This story is more pony-related than you might think. Read till the end for an epic twist.
“APPLEJACK! DROP EVERYTHING!!! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!!” Rainbow Dash came running into Applejack’s farmhouse, almost out of breath.
Applejack turned to Rainbow Dash and dropped everything, including a metal anvil that she was doing metalworking on, which hurt her hoof really bad. “What’s wrong, sugarcube?” Applejack said. “Did Apple Bloom get hurt!? Did Granny Smith die!? Did Marble Pie go on a murderous rampage with a rock pick an’ kill Big Mac for betrayin’ her!?”
“No! Even WORSE! I'M ALL OUT OF CIDER!!!”
Silence.
Finally, Applejack groaned and rolled her eyes. “What happen’d to the homemade cider Ah taught ya how to make?”
“I drank half of it, and the other half smells and tastes like Desenex because I stepped on the apples with my athlete’s hoof.
“You got any more, AJ? Please? PLEEEASE!?”
“I wish I could help ya, Dashie, but we’re all out.”
Rainbow Dash’s jaw dropped through the floor, making a hole in the floor, and continued all the way through the basement slab, into the earth, and all the way through the planet’s crust, mantle, inner core, and outer core until her jaw became incinerated by the molten hot metal.
“ALL OUT!!?!?” Rainbow Dash screamed (her jaw is okay now because cartoon logic). “But it’s the middle of peak cider season!”
“It a’int just me. All o’ Ponyville’s got a cider shortage. It’s these stupid supply chain issues.”
“Supply chain issues!? Applejack, you literally make the cider in the barn at the back with your own apples. Oh, also, you owe me 10 Bits for the Desenex. I had to buy it after your homemade athlete’s hoof remedy didn’t work.”
“Athlete’s hoof? Ah thought yew said campin’ shoes!” And then they both laughed, but seriously though, Applejack’s needed a hearing aid ever since that head injury in Applebuck Season messed up her inner ear. You know, the reason why rednecks speak in that accent, is because they can’t speak properly due to hearing damage from shooting beer cans in the bayou with their totally-legal Sig Sauer automatic rifles. ‘Cause obviously that’s what all rednecks like Applejack do on a daily basis. 10000% true fact.
“Anyway, how can you have supply chain issues?” Rainbow Dash yelled so Applejack could hear, but then again Rainbow Dash always yells so it works out.
“Well, we do make the cider here, but we bottle all our cider in China. It works out cheaper to ship our cider to China instead of bottlin’ it locally. Wages are cheaper there. So now all our cider’s stuck in some warehouse in Dong-goo-an. Sorry, Dash.”
“You’re telling me you’re all out of cider!?”
“Yep. Unless…”
“Unless what?”
“Twilight helped me set up the mirror portal with the Chinese investors to do our bottlin’. She said if we ran outta cider fer some reason, we could try this link…” Applejack pulled up a laptop (wait, they have laptops in G4?) and opened up a Word Document with nothing but a single hyperlink. “She said to click this if there were a cider emergency, and you’d get unlimited cider. But I a’int tried it before, so I’d be careful.”
“But you HAVE to try it! Think of the CIDER!!! Think about…think about ME!!”
“Why’ve I got an’ obligation to feed ya with cider?”
“Canon lore says we’re married, remember the last episode?”
“That don’t stop people from shippin’ me with my sister and/or mah brother.” Suddenly Sweet Home Alabama started playing in the background, for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Applejack started to walk away. “Wait, I gotta go pee. Catch ya in a few.”
While Applejack was gone, Rainbow Dash eyed the link on the laptop screen.
There was a stern warning under the hyperlink. CLICK TO GET UNLIMITED CIDER FOR ALL ETERNITY. THIS IS EXTREMELY OP. DO NOT USE UNLESS THERE IS AN ABSOLUTE CIDER EMERGENCY.
Rainbow Dash hadn’t drank cider for 24 WHOLE HOURS. Since this was obviously a cider emergency, Rainbow Dash clicked the link.
Suddenly, a red-haired two-legged alien appeared on the 69 inch, 4.20K flatscreen TV, which gave Rainbow Dash a huge shock, because Applejack doesn’t have a 69 inch 4.20K TV. She doesn’t even have a TV because the radio waves messes up with Granny Smith’s hearing aid. So meanwhile Granny Smith is in the upstairs bedroom hearing strange whistling noises in her hearing aid.
“Who are you!?” Rainbow Dash asked the alien on the TV screen.
Link if embed does not work
Hi, Rainbow Dash! I’m Rick Astley, here to tell you about Mitsuya Cider™, the Clear and Natural™, American-bottled cider! One taste, and you’ll never give it up!
“Rick Astley? Who’s that? And how do you already know my name?” Suddenly Rainbow Dash forgot everything else she was going to say. “Wait. Cider!? Did you say CIDER!?”
Here, have a taste, my fine filly!
Suddenly a 350mL bottle of Mitsuya Cider™ appeared in front of Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash examined the beverage. It was certainly different from any of the ciders she’d drank before. It was fizzy, but it didn’t have any foam. And it was clear, instead of urine-yellow colored.
She took a sip. Her eyes lit up. It was delicious! “Wow! It’s so Clear and Natural™!”
Have as many as you like! I have an unlimited supply!
Suddenly, with a few flashes of light, at least twenty more bottles of Mitsuya Cider™ appeared.
Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened. “An…an…an unlimi…UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF CIDER!?!?!?”
Yes, my fine filly. And it’s all for you!!
And by the sheer mental willpower created by Rainbow Dash’s cider craving, Rick Astley popped out of the screen, holding yet another bottle of Mitsuya Cider™ in his hand.
Rainbow Dash took the bottle, downed the drink in one gulp, and threw the bottle into the pile of 21 empty Mitsuya Cider™ bottles. After burping a few times, the ciderholic Wonderbolt staggered forward to hug Rick Astley.
“I love you, Rick Astley. Mr. Unlimited Cider Supply.”
At that moment, Applejack came back from the toilet. First she heard Granny Smith upstairs cursing at her messed up hearing aid. Then she saw the giant-screen TV in the living room. Then she saw all the empty glass bottles lying around.
Then she saw Rainbow Dash. Her wife. Nuzzling her snoot in the tummy of a two-legged alien hoo-man.
“Rainbow Dash!? What the hay is goin’ on here!?”
“Applejack, I’m leaving you!” she hugged the human tighter. “I found someone else who’ll give me unlimited cider, and he’ll never give me up, never let me down, never run around and desert me!!! Unlike some ponies!”
“Rainbow Dash, I was gone fer TWO MINUTES!!”
“120 seconds too long!!”
Hello, Applejack. Would you like a bottle of Clear and Natural Mitsuya Cider™?
Applejack, with a raised brow, took the bottle the human offered her. She opened the cap and took a sip. “Wait…Dash…this a’int even real cider! This here’s just a sugar soda that’s called ‘cider’! It don’t even got apples in ‘em!”
“I don’t CARE!” Rainbow Dash said. “It’s called cider and I love it! And you hurt my feelings when you said you were out of cider today. Rick-kun has an unlimited supply for all eternity and that’s why I love him and I want to marry him.”
“You’ve known him fer three minutes, Rainbow Dash! You wouldn’t even kiss me till after twenty-five dates!”
“I guess that goes to show how much I love Rick and his unlimited cider.” Rainbow Dash said with lustful eyes. “You’ll never give me up, and never let me down, won’t you, Rick?”
Of course, my fine filly. The human hugged Rainbow Dash tighter.
“Don’t ya believe his lies, Rainbow Dash!” the Element of Honesty said. “He will give you up and let you down, guaranteed!!”
“How can you be so sure? Don't you hear him singing?”
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…
“Well, it stands to reason, don’t it!?” Applejack said. “When he dies, after 50 years, or 70 years tops, he will give you up and let you down! The only way he could truly never give you up or let you down is if he were immortal!! Unless…”
Suddenly a purple flash of light filled the room.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash made two new holes in the floor with their jaws.
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!? YOU’RE RICK ASTLEY!??”
“Of course, my little ponies! As an immortal alicorn, what better way to use my powers for good than by transforming into a British pop star to create the only truly immortal internet meme—the Rickroll!!”
“But what’s that gotta do with cider?” Applejack asked.
“For the past 20 years, in between royal meetings, I’ve been taking regular trips to Earth through the mirror portal I built—the same mirror portal I used to send your cider to the bottling plant in China, Applejack. I would transform myself into my OC ‘Rick Astley’ as a way to conceal my identity while on Earth. It was during my time there that I discovered a magic spell to create unlimited cider—the Mistuya Cider™ Sponsorship Deal magic spell!”
“That’s so AWESOME!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
“Oh, but what joy is being able to have the power to never give you up, to never let you down, to never run around and desert you, to create unlimited cider...without somepony to share that cider with? Without somepony to never give up…?”
Suddenly, Twilight and Dash’s eyes locked. For a moment there was nopony else in Equestria but the two of them, or something cheesy like that yada yada.
Rainbow Dash approached Twilight. The purple alicorn smelled of dankness. She smelled of dank memes. “Twilight…it took me 222 episodes, nine seasons, plus an unspecified future time skip for me to realize that you, yes you, are the one I’m truly destined for.”
Applejack felt faint, watching what was unfolding before her very eyes.
“Dashie-chan?”
“Yes, Twi~~cane~~-chan?”
“I love you, Rainbow Dash, my airplane in the night sky.”
“I love you too, Twilight. My Pony Girl.”
Twilight and Rainbow Dash began walking out of the farmhouse, hoof in hoof. “You’ll be getting the divorce papers from my lawyer in the morning, Applejack! Suckaaaa~~!!!”
“NOOOOOOO~!” Applejack screamed, her jaw dropping to the molten inner core of the planet, and this time her jaw actually got incinerated because it’s almost the end of the story and I don’t need Applejack’s jaw for the plot anymore.
“Come, Rainbow Dash. My Aston Martin is waiting outside. I got one from my trips to Earth as Rick Astley.”
As they walked to the car, Twilight’s cell phone started playing the Never Gonna Give You Up ringtone. She quickly declined the call, but Rainbow Dash caught a brief glimpse of the caller ID.
“Erm…Twilight?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“Who’s ‘Mordecai’?”
Author's Note
Now, go to your nearest Asian grocery, buy a bottle of Mitsuya Cider, and say that a My Little Pony fanfic sent you here.
