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Just Another Day as a Minimum Wage Slave (Revised)
It was just another slow, boring day as I pulled into the parking lot of Shoppers. I parked my car in the back as I always did, never going farther than two rows up. I turned turned the car off, stepped out, walked into the store, said good morning to Stacey and Tami, punched in, then headed over to the produce room; same old same old, nothing new.
“Morning, Charles, what do you need me to do first today?” I said as cheerfully as I could. I had gotten good at putting on a fake smile everyday, forcing an air of happiness towards my work. On the inside I just wanted to scream at every customer I met; sure there were the good customers who I liked, but they were few and far in between. I couldn't stand most of my customers. It was actually pretty unfair of me: most of them had done nothing to me. I hated myself for it, I wanted to be a friend to everyone I met, not some cynical ass who was ready to snap at any moment.
Maybe that's why I was a fan of My Little Pony. It gave me some temporary relief from this world, let me forget my hatred and anger. I idolized the gentle temperament of the characters, and their flawless humanity, and I guess it gave me something to look up to, an example of how to better myself as a person.
“Morning Tyler. I need you to go out and restock all the citrus fruits and bananas.” Charles was a fairly tall man standing at over 6’ 6”. He always seemed intimidating, but once you got to know him, he was a wuss. No no, I kid. I’m sure he could kick my ass clear across the parking lot. Actually, now that I think about it I’m sure he could break me down into leather, turn me into a shoe, and use me to kick the ass of some other helpless peon across the parking lot if he so desired. Ah, the blessings of Upper Management.
“Thanks, Charles!” I trudged back to the produce cooler, grabbed a u-boat and slung my olive green hoodie over one of the handles. I started loading the needed boxes onto it, three boxes of oranges, two boxes of limes, a box of lemons, two boxes of grapefruits and three boxes of bananas.
I ended up doing tasks similar to this for most of my shift, stocking the fruit, then got back into the produce room and waited twenty or thirty minutes for the stock to diminish so that I could go back out and REstock it. Needless to say, my shift got very boring, very fast.
I rolled the U-boat out into the store and headed for the citrus aisle of the store's produce section. I repeated this task so often that now a days that I just became zoned out. Not like when you're bored during a stupid Biology 101 lecture, but like in a trance almost. Imagine being in a state where you wouldn't notice if a nuke went off until the heat was burning the flesh from your bones.
I pushed the cart out in front of the oranges and pulled out my box cutter. I cut open one of each box and started filling up the oranges and lemons. Turns out the ungodly amount of fruits I had grabbed were completely and utterly unneeded. I only ended up using half a box of oranges and one box of lemons. I just shrugged and walked back into the produce room.
I pulled up a chair, put my feet up on one of the boxes on my carts and laid back and twiddled my thumbs while waiting to go back out and re-stock the fruits. As I sat there, bored, I found myself drifting off into a dream.
I was standing in the middle of a calm looking field, doing nothing, just watching the sky. Suddenly I had a sense of serious unease, like something was watching me with evil intentions. I slowly started walking forward trying to just ignore it. As I continued on the sense of danger became more urgent. I started to run, I looked back over my shoulder but saw nothing. This didn't deter me though, I kept running faster and faster. Soon the field was replaced by a dark forest, it was so sudden I didn't know if I had somehow run into a forest or whether it had just appeared out of nowhere.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a sudden movement. I looked over that way and saw nothing. Another movement came from the opposite direction I had just looked, I looked that way then another from above. This was crazy, I kept seeing things out of the corner of my eyes, but they moved too fast for me to actually see them; so I just kept running. Survival instinct kicked in and I picked up the pace. Suddenly the forest was replaced by my own God damned neighborhood. I was out of breath, and I stopped and leaned against the SUV sitting in the drive way trying to catch my breath. I looked down my drive way and saw something that made my heart stop. Running down the sidewalk was something out of a nightmare, a grey creature resembling a man running on four deformed limbs with the head of a wolf and two red glowing eyes. I was frozen in fear, all I could do was stare at the monstrosity running towards me. I couldn't scream, I couldn't run, I couldn't think. All I could do was stare.
The creature was nearly on me, I was about to scream, it jumped an- "MISTER!" Wait... Wha... "HEY MISTER! WAKE UP!"
I was suddenly jerked awake by the sound of a little girl yelling at me, I groaned and covered my eyes with my hands; for some reason it seemed much brighter then I remembered it being.
"Ugh, kid, why are you back here, what do you want?"
"I just wanted to buy some oranges, mister." I removed my hands from my face and sat up.
"Kid, were you-" I was stopped dead in my tracks, my jaw dropped. Standing in front of me wasn't a little girl, but a God damned pony! It seemed to just be a small orange filly with a red tail and mane. "Uh..." was all I could muster.She tossed me four bits and took two oranges.
"Thanks mister!" she said, running off leaving me holding the bits.
I looked up and saw I was in the middle of a market place fully of multicolored ponies. It reminded me of the farmers markets I used to go to wait my grandmother when I was little. Peo- err, ponies were going from stand to stand, buying fruits and veggies. To one side I saw a pony peddling with a customer, trying to sell a bunch of carrots for what I guessed was a much higher price than what was reasonable. At another stand, it looked like a pegasus and a Unicorn were chatting about when the next rainstorm was scheduled. Off to the side somewhere a few fillies and colts were playing a game of tag and sharing what I guessed were the oranges one of them had just bought off of me.
As I looked around I realized everything was really bright and colorful, just like a cartoon, but live action and with a bit more shading and texturing. Looked at my cart and saw that it, too, was just as colorful. Same deal with my blue jeans and boots. I held up my hands in front of me and just stared at them. From what I was seeing, I too was turned into a much more colorful version of myself.
I looked up again and looked around, and suddenly the realization hit me like a semi truck full of rainbow colored bricks: I was in the middle of the Ponyville market place! My heart started to race. I tried to keep my breathing under control as I shakily sat back in my chair and crossed my hands over my chest. OK, there are two explanations for all of this. One, I'm still asleep and this is just an incredibly awesome dream. Two... I've finally snapped and I'm starting to believe I'm in Ponyville . I found myself acting surprisingly calm for finding out I had gone completely mad. On the outside, at least. On the inside I was freaking out.
That was one of the perks to being a cashier in a story full of annoying, angry, depressing customers: you learn to hold in your emotions and not let them show. There were many a time when I come across a customer who I just wanted to slap across the face. I actually wanted to slap most of my customers across the face. I was so happy when they finally moved me off of cashier work and back into the produce and meat departments.
"Excuse me sir." I looked over and saw a blue coated stallion with a black mane standing there. "How much are your limes?"
I started racking my brain trying to think of a reasonable price, normally limes went six for a dollar at my store, "Hhhh... six for three bits..."
"Wow, six for only three bits, here you go!" The stallion handed me the required bits and trotted off with his limes.
I sat there holding six bits in my hand. It was so unreal to me, actually being there, feeling the cold gold coins in my hand. I pinched myself to make sure I was awake. I took one of the box covers from the cart, set it upside down on the ground, and dropped the coins into it. Ok, lets just stay calm here. I'm going crazy... OK, nothing big... maybe... it will all go away in a few minutes . I sat there for five, ten, then fifteen minutes, just waiting for this multi-colored world of ponies to disappear. But it never did. Part of me was freaking out. I mean, I was hallucinating that I was in Ponyville! This was serious, but, laughably, another part of me was excited for the exact same reasons.
As it started getting to the half hour mark with no change in my environment, I came to the conclusion that none of this would be going away anytime soon. What if I actually am in Equestria!? Wait no, that's silly... but if this is just a dream, or a hallucination, then its pretty damned real...
I continued sitting there for an hour, pondering whether this was real or not while selling the fruits I had to the occasional customer. Some time around noon, about two hours after I had arrived here things began to pick up for me. Apparently citrus fruit was out of season at the moment, so I was one of the few vendors carrying them. I was getting a lot of business.
At this point I had put on the happy minimum wage slave persona, keeping a friendly smile and attitude while selling my produce. I really didn't need to fake my attitude though, most of the customers I received were very friendly and I was happy to serve them. About the worst I saw was just one tired looking customer who handed me some bits and continued on without a word.
With the surprisingly high demand for citrus fruits, my stock soon ran out, except half a box of oranges I had set aside. I looked down into my box of bits and started counting the bits I had made. It came out to about 439 bits. I had no idea whether it was a good haul or not.
I sat back in my chair and thought about what I should do next. I guessed the best idea would be to find Twilight's library. If any on- err, any pony could help me, it would be her.
I gathered up the bits I had and made a bag to carry them in by tying up my hoodie. I was about to get up and go find the library when I overheard two ponies talking.
"Hey, you saw that strange monkey thing in the market, right?"
"Yeah, I bought some oranges from him. Seems like a pretty nice... uhhh, thing."
"Huh, oh well. Oohh! Wouldja look at that, there's another one of 'em over there, talkin' to Bailey!" My heart jumped. YES! There was another human here! Maybe he or she knew what the hell was going on.
I turned around, and he was standing there, as another pony who I guessed was Bailey was walking away. He turned his head back to face forward and started to walk. He was the absolute last person I ever would have expected to find in Equestria.
"Holy shit! Noah!?" It was my closest friend Noah McDonough. He turned to me and a look of absolute relief seemed to cross his face. This kinda clued me in that he probably had no idea what the hell was going on either. It was alright though; if I wasn't going to find out what was going on right away, at least I had a familiar face here with me. I started towards my friend and the pony he was with.
“Well, shoot! Now I've seen two of you!” said Bailey. He must have stopped and turned to us when he heard me call Noah's name.
I walked up to Noah and we embraced in a manly hug. “Dude, Tyler, I am SO glad to see you! I have no idea what is going on!”
“Ok, this is gonna be hard to explain, maybe you should come with me-“ I was cut short as a rattling came from the Barrel Bailey was rolling.
“What in the?!” As Bailey reached down and flipped the lid open, out slid the gargantuan mass of man flesh me and my friends all know as Adam Davis. He looked up at us for a moment, adjusting his glasses.
"Wait a minute. How the hell did you guys get in my barrel?" Of course he wasn't shocked by the ponies and unusual colorfulness of his new environment, then again, I wouldn't have expected him to be.
His sense of humor was odd. Then again, he could also just be having an Asperger's moment. None of us could ever really tell with Adam. Sometimes it seemed like he would do this stuff on purpose, but I had just about given up on trying to figure it out after having known him for several years.
"We didn't, you fell out of it," said Noah, clearly annoyed with Adam.
"Right, well, if it's the same to you gentlemen, I'm gonna go now." I just realized how terribly awkward this must have been for Bailey. Noah said good bye and gave a little wave, and Bailey just continued rolling his barrel.
"Right, I want to go back in my barrel," said Adam, getting to his feet. I turned to him, finally getting over my moment of semi shock.
"Adam, how did you get in a barrel?" I asked, as anyone would.
"I climbed in. Jeez, and I thought I was supposed to be the retard of the group." His smartassness annoyed me to no end sometimes
I sighed, "No, why did you climb in the barrel?"
"'Tis an epic tale, filled with scantily clad women and alcohol!"
Oh for the love of God, I give up!
A/N
Dude you suck. Calling your boss a pussy on the Internet? Oooooo big man here! Watch out guys he's got guts!
Dude, just shut up it's MY chapter.
Nut up and tell your boss how you feel.
I'm not trying to get fired, dude.
Unfortunately for you, Tyler, I am also a brony. Didn't expect me to read this, did you?
Noah, that's you. You just changed your text color.
Tyler, you're fired.
Right. Well I'll come back when you decide to stop dicking around and work on the story. Later.
Oh come on you're no fun! Tyler? TYLER COME BACK! IMMA CRY!
The three friends stood there in an awkward silence.
"Uhhh, well......... at any rate, I can kind of explain things," Tyler finally said. "Lets go to a small cafe I think is near here...."
Noah nodded, seeming to still be in a state of semi shock, and Adam stood there with a big dopey grin.
"Ok, uhhh I think it might be over this way." Tyler turned and started off in a random direction, not exactly sure himself where the cafe he'd seen in the show actually was.
They turned to go and Tyler saw something that made him stop. It was Andre. But something was off, he looked pretty beat up, his clothes were tattered and dirty, he was walking with a limp, and he was covered in various cuts and scratches.
Andre spotted them, and a look of relief seemed to pass his face as he hobbled in their direction. Towards the left, Tyler saw something else, something pink. Oh cool! he thought. It was Pinkie Pie loading her signature party cannon! He watched her as she loaded in a box of confetti, reach for another box without looking, and dump it into the cannon as well.
"So, uh, why is she loading a cannon with a box of office supplies?” asked Noah.
Tyler double checked and saw the contents that were being dumped in. He realized that it was, in fact, labeled ‘Office Supplies’. He looked over and saw that it was aimed right at a small foal wearing a birthday cap.
He looked back and forth rapidly between the foal and the cannon, as the realization dawned on him. She loaded it with yet another box of confetti, his eyes widened. He ran as fast as he could toward the cannon, determined to not see the brains of a young pony splattered on the ground after being in Ponyville for only two hours. Noah and Adam didn't take notice of what Tyler saw though.
“Woah, Tyler, where are you going!” Noah shouted, utterly confused.
“He probably just had Taco Bell before he got here,” Adam answered.
“Not now, Adam.”
“Make me.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
Tyler watched in horror as Pinkie Pie began to pull the string, everything went into slow motion for him. He was running as fast as his legs would carry him, intending to throw himself into the side of the cannon hoping his body weight would be enough to point it away from the foal. Just as the slack in the string was almost gone, Tyler impacted the cannon with his full body weight, knocking it away in a glorious display of girth and might, firing right after his fleshy impact. The sound was deafening to him, and being at the side of the cannon barrel didn't help muffle the sound either.
He watched in slow motion as the contents screamed forward. Unfortunately He saw that in his endeavor had inadvertently pointed the cannon right at Andre, maybe 12 yards away. Oh shit! Tyler thought, terrified for his friends safety.
A stapler make contact with Andres clearly African American forehead while travelling at speeds never before seen by man. Andre slumped to the ground, out cold. He dropped whatever he was holding, something white, and the stapler, now erased from existence by the friction generated by the sheer velocity of itself, had dissipated into nothingness.
Almost instantly, a pegasus was pretty much on top of Andre. She had a beautiful pink mane and light yellow body. Tyler immediately recognized her as Fluttershy.
“Oh my, he’s hurt!” she said, getting behind Andre. “Everypony out of my way!” she exclaimed, her voice reaching a volume equivalent to that of a field mouse being stepped on. She lifted the unconscious young man up onto her back, and flew back to her cottage as fast as she could.
“Guys,we gotta follow her,” Tyler said, already moving in the direction she was flying.
“Aw come on, do have you any idea what that kind of exercise will do to my figure?” Adam complained.
“Yes,” Noah replied, “it will alter it in such a way that your odds of reproduction besides artificial insemination drastically increase, now move it !”
As they approached Fluttershy’s cottage, they saw that the door was slightly open. Tyler walked up to the door and pushed it open further, looking inside. Fluttershy was frantically working to fix Andre up inside a room at the top of some steps, from bandaging his head to fluffing his pillows. She worked furiously, moving incredibly fast. Tyler knocked on the door a few times and asked permission to enter,“May we come in?”
Fluttershy stopped and looked at him for but a moment before quickly answering yes and resuming her busy-bee activity. They walked in and gathered around Andre, being careful not to get in the way. In about 20 minutes, Andre was patched up, and looked pretty out of it. There was also a bunny that she had been fixing up, which Tyler recognized as being the white object they saw with Andre earlier. Watching it sleep, curled up on Andres stomach almost drove Tyler to a HHHNNNNGGGGG attack.
Fluttershy had finally finished fixing their friend up and was preparing some soup for when he would wake up. She came over and set a bowl on the table next to Andre. Fluttershy took a seat on a pillow, and relaxed, having worked hard to help the strange injured creature. A small bunny came up to Fluttershy and pulled on her wing.
“Oh, hi Angel. How are you?” she asked. The bunny looked pissed, kind of like Fluttershy had wronged him. Perhaps he was insecure and felt like these new people were moving in on his lady. He looked at her with fierce contempt. After a moment he opened his mouth and pointed to it. It was clear that Angel was hungry.
“Oh, Angel, you’re hungry. Well, I’m tired right now. Can you maybe wait, like, five minutes for me to rest? I’ll make you some nice soup.”
It was not physically possible to recreate the face that that bunny was now making. Adam had begun watching the scene unfold with peculiar interest.
“Oh, come now, Angel. Please don’t make that face at me.” He persisted, intensifying his gaze. At this point he looked like a ravenous beast that could only be dealt with by proper application of a Holy Hand Grenade. Eventually she gave in.
“Fine. Go have some of the soup from the table. But only some, the rest is for... What’s his name?” She asked, turning to address us. Adam took advantage of this opportunity.
“His name is Fuckface,” Adam said, betraying no hint of shame whatsoever.
“Yes. Angel the rest of the soup is for Fuckface.” Noah and Tyler both face palmed, but couldnt help chuckling a little, especially Tyler, hearing such words come from the mouth of such an innocent creature.
Angel hopped on top of the table and began to eat the soup. After he ate about a fifth of it, Fluttershy spoke up.
“That’s enough, Angel. The rest is for Fuckface.” Adam laughed at this, while Tyler and Noah simply sighed. Angel did not heed her and continued eating.
“Oh, ok maybe just a little more,” she said, backing away. After another few seconds she moved closer. “Ok, that’s more than enough, Angel. Please stop eating.” Angel still would not comply. “Ok, just have it then,” Fluttershy said, backing away. Adam was livid.
“I am sorry, but I must object to this appeasement,” Adam said, stepping forward. “This is exactly the thing that caused World War II where we come from. A great and perilous war that claimed an entire generation throughout the globe!”
“What the frick is he talking about?” Noah whispered to Tyler.
“I have no idea.” he replied.
“You see, the people of Austria took a vote that said that the national religion be American English. This angered Hitler, and so he bombed the American Pearl Harbor. He argued that the American people were weak for their religion, and then the entire population of Germany was angry and began to take over all of Europe!” Adam was moving ever closer to Fluttershy, getting more and more wild-looking. Fluttershy was slowly inching backward, looking scared.
“EVENTUALLY OVER A HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE DIED IN THE WAR! IS THAT WHAT
“And then,” continued the Prosecutor, “he ran after the girl shouting things like ‘Get back here, Osama,’ and ‘You still have to answer for 9/11!’” Adam had been arrested shortly after his harassment of Fluttershy. A trial was quickly set up seeing as crime was virtually non existent in Ponyville. Also the fact that this was a simple public disturbance case helped move things along quickly as well. Within a little over four hours, the court room had been prepared, a jury was gathered, and a prosecuter found.
"Hmmm." The judge was not very amused. "And is this true?"
"Every word," Adam replied, with not even the slightest hesitation or conviction of regret.
"Ok, then. What do you have to say, Adam?" Adam opened his mouth, but Noah cut in before he could speak.
"Your Honor, I represent Adam so I will speak for him, as he is not capable of speaking for himself in a reasonable manner. You see, Adam here has a disorder called Asperger's, a specific disease classified under a horrible mental condition known as Autism where I am from. You see, he is not capable of discerning what is right and wrong in social situations. He is not an excellent example of our race. We are a spiritual, loving, caring, gentle people who are slow to anger, much as yourselves. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive Adam of his transgressions."
The judge seemed content with this answer. "Well, after hearing the testimony from the-" He stopped mid sentence. Looking around the room, he conveyed a sense that there was a problem. Everyone listened intently. Soon, it was obvious what she had stopped for; there was a quiet muffled sound that was coming from the door of the court room. It was growing ever louder, and more distinct, until it was obvious that someone VERY angry was approaching the door. Then, with a furious Sparta kick, the doors flew open.
"....piece of SHIT GOD DAMNED WHORE OF A HUMAN BEING!" said Cody.
"No way," Noah said, mouth agape. This was Cody Baker, Noah's closest friend in the world. He was not a brony, not even close. He was indifferent to the bronies, mostly. Cody turned his head, angry as only Noah could truly know. He looked at Adam, directly between himself and Noah. He pointed right at Adam and his eyes went from angry to bat-shit in 0.0214 seconds.
"YOU," he shouted, drawing closer to Adam. He was right in front of Adam and reached out, grabbed Adam by one of his many fat rolls, then proceeded to - lift Adam over his head !? - then place him back down, patting him on the head, smiling as he did so. He proceeded to turn back and face Noah and return to bat-shit insane attitude. He grabbed Noah by his shirt, and proceeded to slam him into the wall next to them, forearm against Noah's throat.
"Every time something bad or weird happens to me... every stroke of unluckiness, EVERY FUCKING PRACTICAL JOKE was you. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. Now, WHERE THE HELL AM I, AND WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE TALKING HORSES EVERYWHERE!?"
The judge was not happy, not at all. "I beg your pardon, sir, but you must unhand him a-"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP," shouted Cody, livid. He was not in the mood to be addressed by one of Noah's practical joke thingys.
"Excuse me?!" she said, wondering who would dare come into her court and say such things.
"You heard me, douchebag!" retorted Cody, nostrils flaring. Noah finally had the courage to speak.
"Cody, you're in Canterlot, the Royal City of Equestria. We are in a court room right now. That pony is a ju-"
"BULLSHIT! GET ME THE HELL BACK TO MY HOUSE, NOW!"
"I can't, Cody. At least, not that I am able to."
"STOP LYING TO ME, NOAH THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"
"Ahem." Both of them looked over at the door. There, standing in her royal splendor, was Princess Celestia. She looked stern, which signaled, to anypony who actually knew her well, that she was angry.
"My Princess," began the judge, "what are you doing here?"
"I heard that there was a trial going on involving a species never before seen in Equestria. I thought that it would be good to have myself here to develop a diplomacy between our peoples. And to you, sir," she said, turning to Cody. " I would very much like it if you would not use such vulgarity in one of my subjects courtrooms. As to getting you home, we can start working on returning you there if that is your wish."
"How long?" asked Cody.
"I do not know. Where are you from?"
"Your Majesty," Noah said. Even though he didn't know who Princess Celestia really was or her political power, he knew just from what he had witnessed that she was royalty. "we are from a place called Earth. We are not of this world. Where we come from, there is no undiscovered place, and we have mapped our globe. There is no Equestria where we are from."
"I see. Well if that is the case then I am currently unsure of how to return you to your world." If Cody was livid before, then not even God himself could have stopped Cody now.
"WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THIS PISS YOU UNGODLY PIECE OF FUCK HORSE?!" Cody shouted. He ran at the Princess, completely out of control of his emotions. Her horn flickered and it's glow surrounded Cody, and just like that, he was gone. The room was completely silent for a few moments before Adam finally spoke up.
"This is WAY better than porn."
A/N
Adam, why do you always get us into trouble?
Worth it.
Maybe for you. But did you ever consider Andre or Noah or me?
I grow tired of your insolence.
Huh?
Beard powers, ACTIVATE!
Adam, you don't have beard pow- wait, what the shit?! OH DEAR GO -ACK-
I have power here. This is MY domain, mortal!
I need a drink , thought Tyler as he walked. He decided not to go to the Trial, figuring he'd only end up screwing things up if he went. Noah was the only one of their group that had experience with the mental agony that is proving a case and arguing about laws. Well, he was only conscious one, at least. Plus he was somewhat of an orator.
Tyler had stayed with Fluttershy for awhile and watched Andre for an hour just to make sure he was going to be fine then went out to find a bar or club where he could get a drink. He was only 20, but like most guys his age, he'd had tried various alchoholic drinks before. He was never the type to get drunk, but right now, he just wanted to forget everything that was happening. He stopped in the marketplace, trying to find someone who might be able to ask if Ponyville had a bar.
He saw a light blue-green unicorn standing around talking to a whitish unicorn with a mane that was a deep navy blue and a beautiful shade of pink. He decided that they would probably be good to ask, as they were mere background ponies with no significance to the main events that went on in Equestria. OK, the one's name is Lyra, and the other is.... Bonbon! What was so special about Lyra? Eh. It's not important , Tyler thought, impressed that his memory was actually serving him for once. He approached the two mares and stopped about two feet from them. They stopped talking and turned to face him. Their smiles dropped when they saw him. Bonbon's smile came back after a second, but Lyra's jaw dropped slightly.
"Oh, hi there! Can we help you?" asked Bonbon in a sweet tone. Tyler had never heard her voice before, but it was marvelously feminine. Must be why they called her Bonbon...
"Yes, I was wondering if you guys had like a bar or something. Like, you know, a place that sells alcoholic beverages?"
"Yes. If you go down this path," Bonbon pointed down the row of houses to their right, "and keep an eye on the right side, you'll find The Crippled Mare. They sell some of the best cider in Equestria there."
"Awesome, thanks Bonbon!" Tyler said. He immediately realized his mistake, and took off before Bonbon could question him. Bonbon turned to Lyra, eyebrow raised.
"How did that thing know my name?"
"Who cares!? How have we not seen something like him before!?" exclaimed Lyra, oblivious to Bonbon's discomfort.
Augh, my head. What the hell happened? That was one weird ass dream , thought Andre, opening his eyes. He looked up and saw a nice deep drown attributable to the nice wooden ceiling. Wooden ceiling. Wooden ceiling? Andre sat upright, looking around the room. The sudden pain in the right side of his head gave him momentary vertigo, causing him to fallback onto the bed.
The pain throbbing in his head, matching his pulse. He tried it again, more slowly this time. He was able to sit up, and look around. As far as he could tell, he was in a living room of some kind, in what he guessed could have been a small cottage. He put his hand to the side of his head and felt the bandage, and recoiled when it started to sting.
"Ah, crap!" he cursed. After sitting and pondering for a few moments, he decided to get up and look around. After all, if someone went to the trouble of fixing him up, then they wouldn't mind if he looked around, right? He exited the room and walked down a flight of steps into what he assumed was the main room. It was much larger than the bedroom he was just in, and had a kitchen, a table with chairs, and from what he could tell, a door that lead outside.
He walked around the room, taking in the scenery, trying to remember what happened. Ok, so I was in the forest, then I found the bunny. And those things chased me. Then I met that pony, and then - NOAH AND TYLER AND ADAM ARE HERE! He started beaming at the prospect of meeting his best friends in a situation such as the one he was in at the time.
"Ok, Andre, you gotta go find them now," he said to himself, more of a command than a random remark. He made his way over to the door, and opened it with a squeak, and he walked outside. The air was crisp and fresh, and the sun was shining brightly. He walked along the path leading from the door over to a small bridge, which looked like it went in to town. Andre figured that if he was going to find Noah or Tyler, his best bet would be in the town. He walked a little bit, looking down as usual. He rounded a corner -WHAM-
"Oh, I'm sorry I -" he started, looking up.
"ANDRE!"
"TYLER! Dude, where are we, how did we get here, why does my head hurt?" he said, barely able to maintain the floodgates that were his questions.
"Equestria, Ponyville, I have no idea, and Pinkie Pie loaded her confetti cannon with office supplies, I hit it, pointing at you by accident, at which point the stapler made you its bitch." This was surprisingly straight forward.
"OK then. Uh, where are Adam and Noah?" Tyler gave no response. "Well? Where are they?"
"Court." Holy crap.
"Court? What did they do?"
"Er, Adam harassed Fluttershy, and Noah is playing attorney."
"Wait. You let Noah, our ultra conservative, highly outspoken, and arrogant Mormon friend Noah be an attorney in a foreign land to defend the actions of a half-retarded troll?"
"Shit......." Tyler's face fell. He hadn't really thought about the possible consequences of letting Noah represent Adam in court.
"Shit is right!"
"Well, there's nothing we can do now." They looked down in despair as they realized their cause was lost. A familiar voice came from Tyler's left.
"Oh my! What are you doing out of bed?!" Fluttershy said, rushing to Andre's side. Her eyes were wide as she examined him head to toe, including a special examination of his bandages. "We've got to get you back to bed!" she exclaimed. Or in her case, muttered. She got under Andre, putting him on her back, and with speed not seen by anyone since Andre got bitch-slapped by that stapler, Fluttershy flew back to her cottage.
Tyler was left there, bewildered and slightly depressed. With Andre preoccupied by Fluttershy and Noah presumably trying to figure out how to bust Adam out of jail, the prospect of a drink was seeming really good to Tyler right now. He continued his trek for all of sixty feet before he found it: The Crippled Mare. Walking inside he immediately slapped himself. Mentally of course, as otherwise the bartender would think it best to keep Tyler as far away from alcohol as possible.
His reason for his self harassment came from the fact that he expected the traditional look of a bar, and of course everything was bright and colorful. He walked up to the bar and took a seat next to an orange pony wearing a cowboy hat.When the bartender came by, he waved him down.
"Uh hi, I'm kinda new and town, and I'm not really familiar with any Equestrian drinks, could ya recommend anything for a light drinker?"
"The regular cider," he said with a deep and gravelly voice. And for a pony, he was pretty tall, maybe five feet total.
"Guess I'll have that then."
"How old are you?" he asked, eyes narrowing only slightly.
"I'm almost twenty one," Tyler figured that it would be best not to lie before people got to know him. After all, he'd be 21 in a few months, he may as well wait. And Equestrian drinking laws were probably much diffrent from Virginia
"That'll be two bits." Tyler fished out a few bits from his pocket, proud of the fact he could pay his own way. He had decided to keep about twenty bits on him and left the rest of his haul from selling the fruits earlier that day.
"There you are, sir." He took the bits and poured some cider into a mug, and slid it to Tyler. Catching it, Tyler smirked at the thought of being engaged in the stereotypical bar scenario of catching a beer slid to him by the bartender. He raised the mug to his lips, and took a sip. It was probably the best cider he had ever tried, sweet and tangy, but with a twinge of something he didn't recognize. Must be the alcohol , he thought as he took another sip, this time taking more of it into his mouth.
"Yer not from around here, are ya?" said a female vice to his right. Tyler turned to her, and immediately recognized her as Applejack.
"Oh, uhm, no, I'm not." said Tyler, immediately retreating a little into a mental shell. When it came to engaging coustomers at work, Tyler had no problem conversing and making small talk, it came with the job of being a cahseir. But outside of work, Tyler was clueless when it came to conversing and talking to normal people. He would do just about everything he could to keep people from seeing or talking to him if he could help it.
"I thought suh. Ciderwell! Another round for mah friend here!"
"Sure thing AJ!" He immediately filled two more mugs and sent them sliding down the bar. Applejack caught both of them, and placed one in front of Tyler.
"Oh wow, thanks -" Tyler caught himself before he said Applejack's name. Even with the massive amount of fanfics Tyler had read, he still didn't know if it was a smart idea to let any of Ponyvilles citizens know about the show they were apart of. He figured that for the time being, it was best to just keep it to himself. No need to make anyone think he was crazy.
"Mah name's Applejack. Pleased ta meetcha," she said, holding out her hoof. Tyler took it in his hand with a nervous smile and shook. He released and turned back to his drink and took a swig.
"Well, thanks a lot Applejack. My name's Tyler."
"Sure thang, Tahler." Oh my God, her accent is adorable! thought Tyler, as he took another drink. The mugs were small, so with that he finished his cider and went on to his next. heh, mabey this is a chance for me to open up a bit
"So waht brings ya ta Ponyvill Tahler?"
"Heh, well, its kinda a weird story, ya probably wouldn't believe it either."
"Try me," said AJ as she took a sip from her mug.
"Well, I was sitting in the produce room of the store I work at, jsut relaxing a little. I guess I fell asleep, and when I woke up, I was right in the middle if the market place with a cartload of citrus fruits and banana's." Tyler looked down into his mug, no afraid she would start thinking he was some kind of nut job.
"Well, if I were anypony else, Ah'd say you were nuts, but Ah believe ya. Weirder things have happened an well, Ah have a knack fer knowin' when somepony's tellin' the truth or not." Tyler was relieved, maybe if she believed him, she could help point him in the right direction for getting him and his friends back.
"Well thanks Miss Applejack, its good to know someone believes my story."
"So what were ya planin' on doin' ta get home?"
"well I'm not really sure," Tyler sighed, "I was hoping to find a place to stay tonight, possibly for a few days if it turns out, but seeing one of my friends is hurt, and my other two are in court. I'm ju-"
"Say no more, Ah can always use an extra hand on the farm, an Ah got an open guest room. Yer welcome ta stay with mah family fer a few days if yer willin' ta put in a little hard work."
"well lthats awfully kind of you miss Applejack, but I wont lie. I dont know much about working on a farm." Tyler hung his head a little.
"Awww shucks, it ain't that hard ta learn, besides, ya gotta know somethin' that Ah could need?"
Tyler looked up and scratched his chin, "Huh, well I guess I do know a little about home repairs. I can fix a roof and know how to paint a house. And I worked produce at my store, so I know a little about sorting fruits and veggies, finding the lower quality product and getting the good stuff set up"
"Well there ya go! The barns needed a new paint job, and the farm houses roof is a bit leaky, most of the other stuff Ah need help with ain't to hard ta learn anyways, just haulin' apples an cleanin' things up a bit."
Tyler looked over at Applejack and smiled, "well then I'll gladly accept your offer Miss Applejack, I promise to do waht I can to pull my own weight."
"Good ta here, now how about you pay fer the next round this tahm?"
"Heh, no problem," chuckled Tyler as he ordered himself and Applejack another round of ciders. Heh, guess things are starting to look up Tyler thought as he took another sip of cider.
"Dude, why would you do that?" Noah asked as they left the court room. It was lucky that Celestia had been there, otherwise they'd have been screwed. She totally took over and had mercy on the poor beings that were Adams friends by allowing Adam off the hook this one time.
"Because reasons."
"Pardon me, you two. I'd like a word," said Celestia from behind the two. They stopped and turned around to face the royal alicorn who was walking towards them. Noah looked past her and saw a slightly less than happy looking judge trudge off in the opposite direction, muttering. "I know that you are not legally obligated to do anything, but as a show of good faith, I would like Adam to do two things to show me he is able to act kindly in Equestria."
"Anything," Noah said with a smile.
"First, a few hours of community service to help him with the social aspect of living here in Equestria. Is that plausible?"
"Yeah, no problem," said Adam unenthusiastically.
"Splendid. And second, I would like you to write a heart felt apology to Fluttershy."
"WHAT?! Blow it out your ass, sunbutt, that's not happening," Adam said, defiantly. Noah slowly turned his head towards Adam and he looked right at him. Noah's face was a priceless combination of shock, fear, and hatred toward his asshat of a friend.
"E-excuse me?!" Celestia's face now resembled Noah's but minus the fear and much more disbelief. Noah quickly turned to Celestia and tried his best to smooth this over. If that was even possible.
"What he said, Your Majesty, was.... I got nothing." Noah's face fell and he hung is head as he waited to lose it at the hands of a Princess Pony.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH MY, THAT'S A NEW ONE! HEHEHEHE!" Noah's eyes shot open and he looked up. SHE'S LAUGHING! THERE'S HOPE! Noah started to laugh along with her. She was practically splitting at her sides. Noah actually started to tear up in thankfulness that she found it funny. After a moment, Celestia regained her composure.
"Ahem. Well that was certainly one I've not heard before. Very clever. I will be seeing you two again very very soon. Well I hope you two have a nice day." She then turned and walked back to her guards at the end of the hallway. Noah looked over at Adam, who was staring at Celestia's flank with his brow burrowed and his lower lip in his teeth. He turned to Noah and said "Dat ass." Noah facepalmed and started walking towards the other exit, grabbing Adam and leading him along by the arm.
"Alright, lets go find Tyler and Andre. Bout time we all figured out what to do next." Noah said as he led Adam out into the streets of Ponyville to begin looking for their friends.
"And then, it beans him right in the fucking face !" Both Tyler and Applejack bellowed loudly, interrupted only by Tyler's occasional hiccup. Applejack wasn't even tipsy, but Tyler was obviously a bit drunk. He wasn't on his ass yet, but it was getting noticeable.
"Aw gee, yer a whole barrel a laughs aren't ya, Tahler?"
"Nah, you should meet my friend Noah, he's the funny one!"
"Oh, really? He a human like you?"
"Yeah, but a lot smaller than me."
"Oh, interstin'. I would like to meet 'im sometime!"
"Oh, man, he'd probably just -"
"AH LOVE THIS SONG!" She leaped up from the bar stool and grabbed Tyler. He wasn't quite sure how she was managing that, but didn't question it. She led him out into a place devoid of chairs and tables and began to dance. Tyler was, how to put this delicately..... an antisocial fuck-up. He didn't know how to dance. At all. In the slightest. He would be better off in a wheelchair so he'd have an excuse not to dance. Thankfully he was saved from this gruesome torture by an unknown entity.
"Tyler!" He looked and saw Andre standing in the doorway, against the wall next to the entrance. Fluttershy burst through the door, looking around frantically.
"Where is he? There was a bipedal creature with bandages and brown skin! Has anyone seen him?!" Tyler looked over to Andre and smiled a devilish smile. Andres eyes widened and he began pleading with Tyler silently through very obvious hand signs. Tyler looked back at the impatient Fluttershy.
"Look behind you." Tyler usually wasn't the type to pull shit on his friends, especially like this. But having drunk a few too many ciders was clouding his judgment a bit
"FUCK YOU, TOO, TYLER!" Andre shouted as he ran out the door. Futtershy flew frantically after him. Tyler looked to Applejack, who was giggling at what Tyler had just done.
"Well, it's been fun. I gotta go now and help my friend. Hope you have a good night, Applejack."
"Well thank ya. Don't worry about gettin' ta the farm tonight if ya cant make it, go on an help yer friend. Just stop by tahmorrow evenin' an Ah'll help get ya settled in."
"Thanks Applejack, and for the drinks too."
"Anytime!" she said as she waved a short goodbye. Tyler turned and walked over to the exit. Pushing open the double-hinged doors. Fluttershy flew past him to the right, headed back to her cottage, dragging a flailing Andre with her. He broke her grip and began running again, and she turned and pursued him diligently.
"Oh no you don't!"
"LET GO OF ME!" She promptly let go, causing Andre to fall backward on his back. "Augh!"
"Did you not want me to help you?" Fluttershy asked.
"Erm, I mean I did , but then I didn't need you to help me after I woke up."
"Oh. Well I'm sorry. Why didn't you say anything?" Andre was stumped by this question. Upon reflection he had no idea in the slightest why he hadn't said anything.
"Well," Andre said, "thanks for your help, ma'am. But it's getting dark, and I gotta go. Thanks, again."
"Oh no problem, I hope you feel better!"
"Thanks," he replied, walking over to Tyler. Tyler looked around and realized it HAD gotten dark. He estimated it was probably 7 or 8. Or maybe 1. Who knows, all those times look the same. Is that racist? he asked himself. (Luckily) He didn't have time to finish his thought before Andre reached him. "Ok, Tyler, we gotta find Noah and Adam. They have to be out of court by now. And where are we gonna sleep? And.... are you.... drunk?"
"A little, probably. I didn't think the cider was that strong." Andre was not happy. They were missing half of their group, they had no place to sleep, and Tyler was slightly drunk. Just great. How could this get ANY better?
"Hey guys." Well, that's one way , Andre thought after turning to see who it was. It was Noah and Adam.
"Where have you two been?"
"Trying to find you guys actually," Noah said.
"Ok," began Andre, " we need to find a place to sleep."
"Well I figured something out already...... but I don't think she'd be happy if I showed up with an extra friend and two rowdy pinheads tagging along............" Said Tyler between a few small hiccups. Of course, Adam chimed in to meet his quota for being unhelpful.
"Let's find some barrels." Blatantly ignoring Adams comment, Andre decided to take control of this situation since no one else would. His leadership training for JROTC finally came in handy.
"Ok, follow me. I think I know where we can sleep." He began to walk, the others following him. They were a ragtag group of misfits, only slightly more so now than when they were back on Earth. The fact that they all found each other back in High School was pure luck. But it was one of the luckiest things that would ever happen to them.
They came back to Fluttershy's cottage. They all wondered if perhaps Fluttershy would let them stay. Andre knocked on the door. Fluttershy answered and was surprised to see them all. Andre then grasped his face and moaned loudly.
"Ohhh, the paaaiiiin!" Fluttershy gasped and grabbed him. Within the moment, she had Andre back upstairs in the bed. The other three traipsed inside. Noah approached Fluttershy, immediately catching on to Andre's plan.
"Ma'am, I'm terribly sorry to ask this of you, but we don't feel comfortable leaving Andre here. Can we stay and keep him company?" Asked Noah.
Tyler couldn't help but feel a little guilty for his friends taking advantage of Fluttershy's kindness. But he figured he might as well stay her with them tonight and make sure they didn't cause her to much trouble.
"Oh, of course!" This brought smiles to everyone's faces.
"Thanks so much!"
Fluttershy turned slightly and saw Adam, and her face fell.
"Oh, um, I didn't know he would be here," she said, hardly audible. Noah had to think quickly.
"Oh yeah, he was released on one condition." He turned to Adam and put emphasis on all of his words. "He can't speak to you, ma'am, right Adam ?" Noah hoped Adam would comply. He did, thankfully.
"Yeah, I'll behave. Just don't let that bunny Hitler thing near me."
"Oh, um, OK then. I guess it's OK if he's here, too." She slowly fluttered away down to the main room. Tyler immediately got into the bed with Andre.
"Dibs on big spoon." Andre did not hesitate to jump out of the bed.
"That's OK, I prefer the floor anyway."
"OK." Noah said. "Andre and I will take the floor, you two use the bed."
"Fine by me," Adam said crawling into the bed. Noah jacked some pillows and sheets and made a makeshift little cushion for him and Andre.
"Noah," Andre said.
"Yeah?"
"Don't make it gay."
"Don't worry, I won't."
"Alright, thanks."
"Anything for you, honey."
"God fucking dammit, Noah." With a hearty laugh from everyone, they stopped talking and slept.
A/N
It's funny every time.
Why don't I remember this?
Because you were drunk and fell asleep right after you got all gay with your spoon comment.
Huh. Guess I should avoid getting drunk then.
Wait, was that before or after he had passionate sex with Fluttershy?
WHAT?
Nothing.
NO, TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN BY THAT!
That's what's so fun about drunk friends, you can tell them they did stuff that they don't remember.
WHAT HAPPENED, THIS ISN'T FUNNY!
We beg to differ, Tyler.
I hate you all.
Hello, everyone. Noah here. We decided that since we had too many good Ideas, that we'd put the extra ones into the form of deleted scenes and/or alternate endings. Enjoy!
Bailey stopped in front of what was probably his house. He lifted the lid up, and jumped back startled. "WHAT THE HEY?!"
"DAFUQ!?"
"Oh, you scared me to death, sir. I though you was a barrel of rice!"
"And I thought you were Scarlet Johansson naked doing a crab walk. See, nobody wins when you disturb a man during his precious barrel time."
“And then,” continued the Prosecutor, “he ran after the girl shouting things like ‘Get back here, Osama,’ and ‘You still have to answer for 9/11!’”
"Hmmm." The judge was not very amused. "And is this true?"
"Every word," Adam replied, with not even the slightest hesitation or conviction of regret.
"OK, then. What do you have to say, Adam?" Adam got up, now holding a very large bag. He approached the jury with said bag. He presented it proudly to them, allowing the tension and suspense to build before continuing.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, undoing the knot, "I present to you: a bag of dicks." He reached in and began throwing dildos at everyone. It was glorious; plastic penises flew in all directions, striking ponies in the face, draining them of whatever innocence they had.
"Tyler!" He looked and saw Andre standing in the doorway, against the wall next to the entrance. Fluttershy burst through the door, looking around frantically.
"Where is he? There was a bipedal creature with bandages and brown skin! Has anyone seen him?!" Tyler looked over to Andre and smiled a devilish smile. Andres eyes widened and he began pleading with Tyler silently through very obvious hand signs. Tyler looked back at the impatient Fluttershy.
"Look behind you."
"FUCK YOU, TOO, TYLER!" Andre shouted as he ran out the door. Futtershy flew frantically after him. Tyler looked to Applejack, who was giggling at what Tyler had just done.
"Well, it's been fun. I gotta go now and help my friend. Hope you have a good night, Applejack."
"Well thank ya. And welcome to Ponyville, Tahler."
"Thanks, and for the drinks too."
"Anytime!" she said as she waved a short goodbye. Tyler turned and walked over to the exit. He pushed open the double-hinged doors. Fluttershy flew past him to the right, headed back to her cottage, dragging a flailing Andre with her. He broke her grip and began running again, and she turned and pursued him diligently.
"Oh no you don't!"
"LET GO OF ME!" She promptly let go, causing Andre to fall backward on his back. "Augh!"
"Did you not want me to help you?" Fluttershy asked.
"Erm, I mean I did, but then I didn't need you to help me after I woke up."
"Oh. Well I'm sorry. Why didn't you say anything?" Andre was stumped by this question. Upon reflection he had no idea in the slightest why he hadn't said anything.
"Well," Andre said, "thanks for your help, ma'am. But it's getting dark, and I gotta go. Thanks, again."
"Oh no problem, I hope you feel better!"
"Thanks," he replied, walking over to Tyler. Tyler looked around and realized it HAD gotten dark. He estimated it was probably 7 or 8. Or maybe 1. Who knows, all those times look the same. Is that racist? he asked himself. (Luckily) He didn't have time to finish his thought before Andre reached him. Andre then punched Tyler as hard as he could in the stomach.
"Faggot."
Tyler was out cold before he even hit the ground. This was mostly due to his incredibly high blood alcohol content.
A/N
I would like to say that the last sentence is false. I beat Tyler with one punch, he's just too afraid to admit it.
Dude, that's not how it happened and you know it.
Yes it was, I saw the whole thing.
SEE!?
You weren't even back from court yet!
We watched it on the TV inside my beard. Good old Cox Communications.
B-but, how did y-
Beard powers.
...Fair enough.
“Okay, on the count of three.” Noah whispered
Adam simply grinned in anticipation.
“Teach that drunk faggot to rat me out,” Andre huffed.
“Alright, one. Two. THREE!”
With impressive mass, the blob of men jumped up and onto the bed, slamming down on the left side, throwing the sleeping drunk known as Tyler clear up into the air.
“AH!” Tyler woke up mid-flight and landed on the floor with a thud. “God dammit, what the fuck you assholes!?” He groaned sitting up, nearly puking on the floor from the churning in his stomach. “Ah, my fucking head, the hell happened last night?!”
“You got in touch with your Irish roots,” Noah laughed.
"Haha, very freaking funny," Tyler said, still rubbing his head.
"I still say we draw penises on his face," Adam said.
"I'm awake, idiot."
"Doesn't matter to me," he said, perking up at the thought of desecrating someone else's face.
Tyler just shook his head and stood up, insantly falling over on the bed, again nearly puking his guts out, "Ugh, I swear I'll never drink again!"
"Oh, you four are finally up," Fluttershy trotted into the guest room, "are you four hungry, I could make you something real quick."
"No, we're fine. Although would it be to much trouble to ask for a little water?" Tyler asked as he got up.
"Oh not at all, please follow me," Fluttershy trotted out of the room while the four humans followed her. She led them into the kitchen and asked them to sit at the table. Once all four were seated she gave each one of them a cup of water and trotted out of the room.
All four sat around the table in Fluttershys kitchen. No one was sure why though. Tyler rubbed his throbbing head gingerly, not wanting to piss off his nerve cells any more than they already were.
“Alright, just some stuff to start us off, we are stuck in Equestria, specifically, in Ponyville. I have no idea how we got here, or how we’re going to get home. Fortunately, I think I know someone who can help us.”
The other three sat there silently sipping at their cups of water.
“Alright, Andre, Adam. For now I need you two to stay absolutely quiet for now, do not talk until I tell you both it's safe.” Tyler turned to Noah. Both of them spoke German fluently, and Tyler needed at least one of his friends in on the loop about his worries when it came to sharing anything about human society and culture with the innocent denzines of Ponyville.
“Noah, for right now, I need to speak to you in German, there are some things I REALLY need to share with you. ”
Noah nodded and replied to his friend in German. “Right, I understand. What do you need me to know? ” For once, Noah was finally taking things seriously, a Godsend in Tylers opinion.
“Look, like I said, we’re stuck in Equestria. A land from the TV show My Little Pony. ”
“Alright............ I kind of figured that....... But how is this possible!? ” Noah ran his hands through his hair in semi frustration.
“I wish I knew Noah, but I don’t. ” Tyler sighed and looked down, “Now there are some important things we need to go over, alright? ”
“Alright, shoot.”
Tyler hoped that he would be able to get his thoughts accross to Noah, he was the type of guy who would know what he wanted to say, but usually wasnt able to orate it in an understandable way. “Okay, if the show is anything to go off of, ponies are much more innocent than humans. War is virtually non-existent here, at least in the violent sense we know of. Which means that it is of the utmost importance that we mesh with the innocent nature of society here, and not bring the problems and general misfortune of human nature to these innocent lives. Do you understand? ”
“Yeah, I understand. " Tyler sighed in relief, for once someone understood what he was trying to say, " Wait, shouldn't we be telling this to the others? ”
“We will, but not yet. We can’t take the chance that someone will overhear. ”
“Understood. ”
Tyler turned back to Adam and Andre. ““Alright, I think we should all take note of what we have with us. Just, pull out whatever you have and lay it on the table. Mabey something we have can help us”
They all began to empty their pockets. Noah had his backpack, which he promptly put up on the table. He emptied the contents, which consisted of a nice Toshiba laptop, a pair of above-average SNUG headphones, some school supplies and homework, and a book by Stephen Hawking. Adam had only his phone and his wallet. Andre had nothing with him. Tyler pulled out his wallet, pack of cigarettes, a lighter, notebook, his phone, his prized treble harmonica, and his boot knife and laid them on the table. They sat there for a moment staring at their collection of mostly useless stuff for a few moments.
“The fuck do we do with this?” asked Adam, looking around to his friends.
“Well.......... our money is useless here, but I got a couple hundred bits though from selling some illegally obtained goods, or in other words, the shit produce Shoppers has to provide us with,” Tyler replied witha slight chuckle.
“Alright,” began Noah, “but how the heck are we supposed to live here? I mean, none of us have any particular skill sets that are applicable to this region. Our economic use is at a horrendous low. There are no computers here, are there? Thought not.”
“Quit your bitchin’” said Adam. This provoked odd looks from his friends, as Adam is usually not serious about anything, let alone something that is actually important. “We can do this shit, let’s just look this place in the eye, Challenge-Accepted the fuck up, and make it big.” He said it with a conviction that was totally out of his character.
“Adam,” started Andre, “are you feeling okay?”
“No, I’m not. Here we are, a band of social fuck-ups with a chance at becoming something great in a world where people aren't judgmental and we can be ourselves, and all I can hear is complaining. I know it sounds like a retarded Mickey Mouse version of Carpe Diem, but dammit we have a shot to be whatever the hell we want, free from the social criticisms we faced back at home, and I am not about to let you fucktards waste it!” He had raised his voice by the end of his rant. The other three were stunned. Here was Adam, the man who took nothing seriously, berating them for not being optimistic in a situation like this. It was unnerving, but at the same time, it was somewhat inspiring. “I’m hungry. Any food near here?” Well, for the moment anyway.
Tyler sighed and looked to Noah, "Well for the moment I have a job working on a farm that was offered to me, as well as a place to stay. I know a little bit about basic home maintenance and construction crap, I could probably teach you three a little so you at least have some sort of useful skill. As for a place to stay, I have no idea. I'll do what I can to help you guys though."
Fluttershy trotted into the room, a small smile on her face. “Did I hear somepony say they were hungry? Like I said, I’d be happy to make you four a little something to eat.”
“Thank you Miss Fluttershy, but we've taken enough advantage of your kindness already. We’ll just finish up here and be on our ways. We really appreciate you letting us stay here for the night,” said Tyler, with the utmost sincerity in his voice.
“Are you sure? It would be no trouble at all!” replied Fluttershy.
“Thanks, really, but we need to go. There are things we need to do, ma’am,” Noah said, gathering his things into his backpack.
A knock came from the door. “Oh, I’ll be right back, let me get that.” Fluttershy trotted to the door. With a swift movement, the door opened. Fluttershy let out a tiny squeal of surprise when she looked through the doorway and saw Princess Celestia standing on the other side. "P-princess!" she stuttered. "Oh, please come in!"
"Thank you, Fluttershy." Fluttershy moved out of the way as the princess strolled in.
She was the most beautiful thing Tyler had ever seen. She was pure grace with the way she moved, down to the way her mane seemed to flow into the nonexistent wind. It was colorful and sparkling, with a dazzling crystalline sheen prevalent on her coat and mane. She approached the humans sitting at the table, moving as though she had a purpose.
"You two must be friends of Noah and Adam. I am Princess Celestia, guardian of the day, and ruler over this land, which is called Equestria. My sister Luna and I are responsible for protecting this land and turning the night to day, and day to night each morning and evening. I have come here to talk to you concerning your stay here." She turned to Fluttershy and said "May we talk in private?"
"Oh, certainly your majesty," Fluttershy said. She turned, and walked out the door, shutting it gently behind her. Celestia turned back to the humans.
"I will be straightforward with you four: I may not be able to send you back to your world." The face of the four humans fell. Except for Adam, whose face only betrayed mere boredom. "I also want you to know that I am familiar with the human race." This made Andre, Adam, and Noah all look at her quizzically while Tyler's face quickly flushed with a look of panic. How could it be possible for her to know of the humans? "I have seen your world, and I have seen what horrors you unleash upon your own. I have seen the abuse of people, substances, and law. I have seen most of what humanity has to offer. I was waiting until humanity had evolved past such petty things like war and violence before making contact, but that time had not yet come. As to why you four are here, I cannot answer. Have you any ideas as to why you may have been transported here?"
"No, ma'am," said Andre.
"If I knew I'd be back at my house with a plate of bacon." Even then, all Adam could think about was food.
"Your Majesty," Tyler began, "it would have to be something that happened here in Equestria, as magic does not exist where we come from. This means that someone would have had to have been tinkering with a magic spell that brought us all here."
"Wait." Everyone turned to Noah. His friends became apprehensive and anticipated what he was going to say. Besides the fact that he was a sharp tongued troll with little shame, Noah was easily the wisest of the group. The only other person there that could think like him was Andre. In fact, Andre would be on Noah's level if he cared to try. Like most things, Andre would have been excellent at it if he had just put his mind to it, but was too lazy to try. "Look at who is here: me, Tyler, Andre, Adam. You guys are basically the best friends I have in the whole world. I am pretty sure this has something to do with me, considering the company."
"OK," started Andre, "but the same is said for the rest of us. How do you know it is related to you specifically?"
"Because. Cody was also here. None of you guys are friends with Cody like I am. So, the only thing we all have in common is me. But I still have no idea why I was taken here, or why you guys came, either. I don't even know if my hypothesis is right, but that's the only pattern I could find."
"Very impressive," said Celestia with a smile. "I cannot tell the reason why you would be selected, but magic is very closely related to one's feelings and bonds. Your hypothesis does indeed have a plausibility to it. As for now, you four should let my scientists attempt to figure this out. In the meantime, you will have to reside in Ponyville. However," she said, her face hardening ever so slightly, "I will not hesitate to imprison you if I feel that you are bringing temptations to my kingdom. I realize that this sounds very harsh, but I will protect my kingdom, and if I feel that your culture and or nature is bringing others to what I have seen, then you will be imprisoned or exiled. Do I make myself clear?"
"Ma'am," Noah said, standing up. When he drew himself to his full height, he could look her square in the eye. Growing up in a Mormon household, he gave many talks in front of a formal congregation, which allowed him to exercise his ability to articulate and address a formal audience. "You have my solemn vow that we four individuals are men of upstanding moral character. With the exception of Adam. Adam is average, for the most part. We shall not now, nor ever, knowingly or intentionally bring an ethical issue to anyone in Equestria. We shall obey the laws to the fullest and be productive members of this society, should you let us reside in your kingdom." Celestia's gaze softened, and she smiled genuinely, which everyone promptly returned.
"I am glad to hear it, and I shall hold you to that promise. For now, I need you all to go to the town hall to fill out some immigration papers. You see, you are here from another country and therefore will need them. This is specifically for your benefit and for our records, nothing more. Head over to the town hall and some ponies will be waiting to receive you." With that, she walked out the door, said "farewell" to Fluttershy, and departed for Canterlot. They sat around and just looked at each other for a moment.
Fluttershy came back in, and approached them smiling widely, "Oh, wow! You guys must be important to get a personal visit from the Princess like that!" Even though she was happy and exclaiming to the best of her ability, she would've been easily drowned out by the drop of a pin.
"Right," said Tyler, not wanting to shake Fluttershy's faith in them by telling her what they were told. "Well, we have to go now and fill out some paperwork. The Princess asked us to have them since we're not from here."
"Oh, OK, I'll show you guys how to get there!"
They approached the tall building with mild apprehension. This had to be the largest building in Ponyville, but even so, it was still pretty small to the four of them. They lived near the District of Columbia, and had been there many times. The buildings there were far larger than anything in Ponyville.
"Isn't it huge?" Fluttershy asked.
"Yeah," Adam started, "I suppose it's large, but relative to the buildings where we come from, this is small. For a town hall, this would hardly be considered impressive." Fluttershy's face fell.
"Oh." Tyler saw this and knew how easily Fluttershy was hurt, and he jumped in quickly.
"But, the architecture is way different and more visually appealing than our buildings. I love it."
"Oh, yay! I am happy that you guys like our town!" she said, smiling now.
Tyler sighed in relief. He was normally the one doing damage control for his friends; always apologizing for their rudeness or inappropriate jokes. It was something he had gotten used to since they met so long ago in a little A+ classroom in Centreville.
"OK, well, we'll see you later, Fluttershy."
"OK, bye." She turned and walked back to her cottage, a limber Angel hopping steadily beside her.
"OK guys, be cool. Adam, please don't cause a scene," Tyler pleaded.
"Yeah I know. I respect the passport people because without them, Columbus would have never found America." Whether he was serious or not, no one knew. All that mattered was that he vowed to behave. They opened the front door and walked inside slowly, unsure of what would happen once they got inside.
They looked around, and saw a various assortment of ponies walking to and fro or having idle conversations. Two of them looked up from a small set of tables and chairs and started towards them. One was a unicorn with a large camera around his neck, and the other was a pegasus carrying a two-sided saddle bag. The two ponies reached them promptly, the smaller off the two ponies, the one with the camera, addressed them first.
"OK, if you gentlemen will just move over here we can get started."
"Huh. Interesting," Noah said, poring over his new document. "They got my height, weight, species, and place of origin. That's oddly specific for a land that's supposed to be so peaceful, don't you think?" he said, turning to Tyler.
The whole process had taken about an hour. It wasn't a lot of paper work, but it was tedious. They had asked them about everything from name right down to blood type. Several of the questions none of them knew how to answer. As they got to the birth dates they found that saying they were born in the 1990's put them at about 990 years into the future, the correct dates for their births put them all around 980 CR.
"I don't know what you mean," he admitted.
"Well, if this land is so peaceful, then why would they need so much info on someone? I mean back in the States they kept records like this in case you did something ba- oh. Right." He just remembered what Celestia said to them, and it was quite obvious that they would be watched, if only for the time being.
"OK, so what do we do now?" Andre asked.
"Well, I'm not really sure," Noah admitted, "I guess we could just exp-"
"HEY! Tahler! Over here!" They all looked over and saw Applejack running towards them stopping just short of knocking into Adam. "Hey, there! I wanted ta show y'all somethin' mighty cool! Y'all willin' ta come'n see it with me?" This was incredibly sudden, but Tyler jumped into his response before anyone else could.
"Uhhh, sure Applejack, we'd love to!" Her face contorted as she smiled widely, turning around. She looked back and said, "Come on, y'all! Time's a-wastin'!" She darted off, the four humans struggling to keep up. Ponies were incredibly fast compared to humans, even when just walking Adam somehow managed to keep up with his friends, even though he did it with the grace of a constipated back mule. He wasn't even breathing hard, whereas the other three were panting just a little. They ran for about a minute and a half before reaching the Apple Family Farm. She slowed to a walk, and so did her company.
"So," Noah started, "what exactly is it you wanted to show us?" Applejack turned and looked at them, her mouth twitching slightly.
"It's right through here, in the barn." She opened one of the doors wide. It was dark, and difficult to see, but they all walked inside anyway. They all recoiled when the door was slammed shut behind them. Then it was as though a supernova had gone off inside the barn. The whole area was flooded with light and deafening sound. It kind of sounded like a bunch of people saying-
"SURPRISE!" A pink flash darted from the back right into Andres face, smiling wider than its actual head.
"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie and I threw this party just for you guys! Are you surprised, huh, are ya are ya are ya?!" She stood there, smiling, head rapidly moving between the four of them. How did I not see this coming? thought Tyler, mentally berating himself for not getting the hints from Applejacks body language and the fact that they were new in the town.
"Yeah, you sure go- AHHH!" Tyler wasn't done with his sentence before Pinkie grabbed him and threw him into the middle of the room.
"HIT IT, VINYL!"
"With pleasure." The light grey pony magicked a disc into the air and onto the turntable. The glow around her horn intensified, and it surrounded the two gigantic towers on either side of her. Within a moment, she was playing some nice music, DJing with skill and precision. Pinkie Pie started dancing wildly, an absolute beast on the dance floor. Tyler stood there, nervously.He looked around and realized most of the ponies were staring at him waiting for him to start dancing with Pinkie.
Tyler was, again, an antisocial fuck-up. Before, it was a small bar, only him and a few others, and he was drunk. Now he was sober, it was everyone in town, and he was at a party that was thrown for him and his friends. His legs seized up. His breathing became shallow and fast, an uncomfortable heat ran along his back and neck. He thought he was going to have a heart attack, when he felt hands on his shoulders knock him slightly off balance, pushing him to the edge of the room. He turned and saw Noah helping guide him to the wall.
"Thanks, man." Tyler said a little shakily.
"Yeah no problem. I know how you are with these things, so why don't you just stay here for awhile."
"Yeah, that's probably what I'm gonna d-do." Tyler was still trembling slightly. Noah turned and made his way to the dance floor, and proceeded to break it down. Noah was the exact opposite of Tyler in public; he was outgoing, obnoxiously loud and inconsiderate, and he had no problem in front of a crowd of eyes. This made him great at parties, and everyone loved him then. In public places, like malls and the such, people hated him for how rude he was, even when asked to quiet down. The only public place where he really showed respect was at movie theaters.
Tyler watched his friend in awe. He had heard Noah talk about the stuff he did at Mormon dances, but he always thought Noah was blowing hot air. Apparently he wasn't. Noah was throwing down moves excellently. He got on the ground and breakdanced in perfect time with the beat. First a six step, leading into a swipe. He worked with blazing fast footwork, and went right into a windmill. He even approached a mare and led her to dance, expertly leading her through the swing. It was pretty badass.
"So, we just gonna sit here?" Tyler looked to his right and found that Andre and Adam had joined him. The other two were a lot like Tyler, that they sucked at parties and dances. This of course was no fault of their own, they just didn't have the same environment that Noah did growing up; Mormon dances are the shit, and they knew it.
"Well, I am..... you guys just........ do whatever."
"You guys can stay here, I'm hitting the food table!" And Adam did what he said he would. He ate monstrously, devouring parts of one of the leg before he realized that there was no more icing on it. Then he rubbed a cupcake over the length of it and resumed eating.
"So, what do you want to do, Tyler? Adam and Noah are having the times of their lives, and we're just sitting here."
"I don't know dude. I don't do well in crowds. What about you? Why aren't you partying?"
"I don't know how to. I never really went to parties. Never appealed to me, I suppose."
"Hey," said a voice. Tyler turned his head from Andre and looked at Lyra. "You're the guy who asked us for directions yesterday, right?"
"Oh, uh, yeah I think so. I'm Tyler, nice to meet you." He put his hand forward, and Lyra took it with her hoof and they shook. Tyler felt a bit nervous talking to someone he didnt know, always had trouble with it. He couldnt start a conversation in a social setting if his life depended on it, "So what's your name?"
"I'm Lyra. So, what exactly...are you?"
"We're humans." We. Only then did Lyra notice the other human sitting next to Tyler. She immediately offered her hoof.
"Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't notice you. What's your name?"
"Andre," he said, shaking with Lyra.
"Nice to meet you. Anyway, I-" That was as far as she got before everything was instantly drowned out by an unbelievable over pressure of the air around them.
It was amazing. This music was intense and bassy, but it was unique; you could dance to it easily. It wasn't like most of the stuff Noah listened to, the hardcore stuff that got really famous. He decided he'd chance it and ask if he could play a song, as he wanted to share his collection of music with this DJ, hoping she would like it and be able to do something with it.
He gingerly approached her from behind, going around the speakers. He stopped behind her about a foot away. He always got nervous when he approached the DJ at the dances back home, and this time it was even worse, since she was of an entirely different freaking species.
"You want something?" she asked, turning her head back at him, catching him off guard.
"Oh, uh, yeah. I was wondering if I could make a request?"
"I mean, sure. If I got it on one of my records, I'll play it." Oh crap, that's right! Things don't run on electricity here!
"Nevermind, you can't play it."
"Play what?"
"Oh, I was just going to ask if I could play a song or two off of," he got his phone out of his pocket. "this." It began to glow and Vinyl lifted it towards her in her magic.
"What is it?"
"It's a phone. It's used for communication, and it's got a small speaker in it and a microphone so others can hear you can you can hear them."
"Well, I mean if it's got a speaker in it then I could just use magic to have my speakers mimic the movements of the speaker in your.... whatever this thing is." This perked Noah right up.
"Really!?"
"Yeah, shouldn't bee too difficult. I've done it once or twice for boosting purposes."
"OK, start it, and I'll get the song. I think you'll like it."
"Sure thing, bro."
The speaker in Noah's phone began to glow, and the music that was already playing faded; the link was established. Noah scrolled through his music, and found what he was looking for, perhaps the hardest song in his library: X-Rated by Excision. He selected it, and immediately the large speakers went to work. The footsteps caught most of the crowd off guard. Then the growling came, and everyone looked around, slightly frightened. Then the voice came one, and their apprehension died rather quickly.
Explicit expert, the highly exalted. I exercise dance floors, leave'em exhausted Explore an apex sound expedition filled with excess demons, Y'all can bring the exorcisms. I exert stress when I export beats That exhilarate the hard and exterminate the weak. Execution level next, no way to explain it: I'm X-X-X bitch, triple X-Rated
When the bass dropped, it dropped hard . The speakers were pumping out walls of grimy, filthy bass that ended all conversations, and massaged everyone's eardrums. It was awesome; the barometric changes from the compression waves were pure ecstasy, blurring everyone's vision with every bass stab and every note in the beat. Vinyls jaw dropped for only a moment before she was headbanging. Hard . She was into and almost immediately began working magic, literally, on her turntables, mixing it masterfully, giving the right changes, mixes, and adjustment to every single note. After four minutes, it was over.
Vinyl was panting from how fast she was working in order to keep up, she had to use her hooves, and she did it all while maintaining the magical link between the five speakers and head banging. Everyone was looking at her expectantly after the song, and she knew she had nothing to play after that kind of masterpiece. She got her mic, and gave everyone the news.
"Look, I know that we've only been here for an hour, but I can't follow that song up with anything else, so for now, I'm done. I'm gonna take a break, and I'll catch y'all in a little while." She played a generic background track to hold over the crowd while she rested.
"Dude," she said, turning to Noah, "what was that?"
"It was one of the best tracks made by one of the best DJs around where I come from. His name is Excision."
"What kind of music is that? What kind of sound was that? I've never heard anything like it before."
"It's what we call dubstep, and what you just heard is a prime example of dirty bass."
"Tell me more about this dubstep stuff. I gotta get into this." And they talked music.
"What WAS that?" Lyra asked.
"That was just Noah. I wouldn't ask too many questions about what he does." Tyler and Andre had been kind of bobbing their heads to the music as it played, like Noah, they both enjoyed dubstep as well.
"Oooookaaaaay. So anyway, can you tell me more about humans?"
"Yeah, sure. So, uh, what do you want to know?"
"Well, let's start with...." And she asked him questions, and they gave her answers. She seemed very interested in human physiology. So lead the rest of the party; Noah mingled and danced, and played music with Vinyl; Adam ate. And ate. And ate, then used the bathroom, then ate some more. Andre, Tyler and Adam talked with Lyra for a few hours about humans.
And for the first time, in a long while, they all enjoyed themselves.
Celestia closed the magic cloud before her. She had been using it to watch the four humans at their party, examining what they did, how they acted. She could not let them go without surveillance.
At first, she had thought everything would be fine. The humans had seemed nice enough, and she had sensed no ill will comming from them; but when she talked to them at Fluttershy's cottage, she felt something. Something....dark. As soon as she told them what she knew of human issues, it was like she was engulfed in a bath of intense anger. It very quickly became disbelief, and then just as quickly turned into acceptance and then sorrow, deep, painful sorrow. Though the anger was still there somewhat... but like it had been covered and pushed down by stronger emotions. Dangerously bottled up. She had no idea who the violent flashes of emotion came from, but she knew that one of those four humans had a deep inner quarrel, a terrible emotional war within themselves, as though they had one side fighting to get out and rear it's ugly head. She sighed deeply, fatigued, and retired to her bed chambers.
A/N
*arbitrary statement*
*tries logic and reason*
*witty response*
*attempt at a witty response*
*slightly confused*
*joins the gang up on Tyler*
*victoriously smug statement*
*raises middle finger*
It was a jamming party. Then again, it always was with Pinkie. Too bad Vinyl didn't play at my party , thought Twilight Sparkle as she walked around the barn. The scene was quite remarkable, what with all the ponies dancing hard to this new music that the one.....thing introduced. It was very unique and powerful. As would any curious bookworm, Twilight went to go investigate this creature. She found the one who had supplied the music, and paused, wondering how to approach him. Should I just be direct? No, what if that's not part of their culture? Ohhhhh, this sucks. How do I approach him?! What if a direct approach is considered rude? She was snapped out of her thoughts by the loud shouts of Noah, who now had two blocks of hay strapped to his feet.
"RRRAWWR! I AM THE PARTY MONSTER! FEAR MY WRATH!" OK, maybe, they're not THAT sophisticated... She approached him and tried the direct approach.
"Excuse me." She got Noah's attention, and he clumsily attempted to turn around. After about ten seconds of failed attempts, Twilight decided to save him the trouble and just walk around to his front. She looked up at him, almost twice her height with the addition of the makeshift hay-shoes. "Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle. I am pleased to meet you."
Noah smiled and held out his hand. "I'm Noah McDonough, nice to meet you."
Twilight held out her hoof and shook... appendages with him. "I must say, that music you provided, its unlike anything I have ever heard!" she said excitedly.
"Well I'm glad you liked it, I got more where that came from if you're interested."
"Oh, uh, sure! I'd like to hear some more!"
"Alright, follow me." He took off his horrible "shoes" and walked over to the DJ table where Vinyl was. She was sitting down, still resting. "Hey, Vinyl, you up for some more music?"
"Yeah, I can play it, but I'm not gonna DJ. I'm still too tired, so why don't you take over?" Noah's eyes widened slightly.
"Yeah, um, that's really not a good idea."
"Why not? I mean you won't exactly be me , but I'm sure you'll be fine."
"I don't have any experience DJing before. Like, at all." Vinyls smile faded and her eyebrows rose.
"What?! Dude, you mean you have music like that and you've never Djed before?" Noah looked a little embarrassed at her question.
"No." Vinyl got up and walked to the table.
"OK, have you made music at all?"
"Yeah." Noah had made a bit of music, enough to release an "album" which he released for free online back on Earth, as well as several singles. He never got a lot of listeners, but he was extremely proud of what he had done in the past.
"Alright, then. Play some of that, and mix according to," her horn started to glow, and names appeared over every knob and part of the DJ table, "these labels. Just play one of your songs that you know well, and make minor edits. Remember, if it loops, then that usually means you have to do the same thing as before. Not always, but mostly. Start with only a couple, and as you go on, you can get more complicated as you see fit. If you're crashing, I'll help you out, but just try it, OK?" Noah nervously stepped up to the table while Vinyl backed away. He turned on one of his songs, ironically named Vanilla Lullaby, and got ready to start it. Vinyl's horn glowed, securing the connection between the two speakers. Noah hit play, and began to sweat as he realized that everyone was watching him. The music started playing. He looked around at his instruments, hands shaking trying to figure out what to do. He saw one knob, labeled "X-Mod Vol." He grabbed it, and twisted it. The result was a beautiful slow wub sound. He waited for a repeat of the specific sounds, but this time he did it a lot faster. The result was exactly what he thought it would be - a garbled mess of irritating, high pitched noise. He couldn't make it stop, and people started covering their ears and giving frustrated looks towards Noah, who floundered about on the mixing table, making things worse. After a moment, Vinyl stepped in and brought everything back to normal.
"OK, maybe I was wrong to put you in, but it's whatever, we'll just leave it be for now." She resumed her duty at the turntables, mixing the relatively slower song eloquently. Noah walked back over to Twilight, who gave him a reassuring smile.
"Hey, it's alright, Djing is hard from what I have heard from Vinyl. So, I notice you guys have claws, but they're not, like, sharp. Could you talk to me about that?" She saw his face when she started comforting him and realized it wasn't doing any good, so she tactfully changed the subject to get his mind off of it.
"Well, we have what are called hands." He pointed to his right palm with his left hand. "This meaty part right here is called a palm. These," he said, gesturing to his fingers, "are called digits. That's the medical term for it, but we just call them fingers. They allow us to grip things and hold them. They make life possibly for us back on Earth." He was suddenly struck with fond memories of Earth. He remembered his other friends, his family, and his crush. He started feeling a sorrowful wave of wistfulness, and his face went dark, and his gaze dropped.
"Is something the matter?" This took Noah out of his little nostalgic trance.
"What?"
"You just stopped talking and got all depressed-looking."
"Oh, uh, sorry, I kinda just spaced out a bit."
"Huh. OK. Also I couldn't help but notice your friend over there." She gestured to Tyler, who was now listening to his phone while Andre chatted with Lyra. "He seems a little, well, antisocial."
"Yeah, that's Tyler for you." Noah suddenly grinned widely. He listened and recognized his song was just about to end. "I'm gonna pull a little prank on Tyler to get him talking, alright?"
"Um...OK." Noah walked over to Vinyl while pushing pause on his phone.
"Hey what gives?"
"Vinyl, can you focus your magic on two separate speakers at once?"
"Uh, yeah, probably."
"OK, see that guy over there?" He pointed to Tyler.
"Yeah."
"OK, see the wires going into his ears?"
"Yeah."
"They're attached to tiny little speakers inside his ears that are playing music. I want you to focus on them and try and get them playing over the speakers. I want to play a prank on Tyler, a small one that is." Vinyl grinned at this idea.
"Alright, let's try it." Her horn began to glow, and the same glow surrounded Tyler's ear buds. In a moment, a loud beat and guitar came over the speakers.
Ugh. Why do I always end up at parties? I friggin' hate parties. At least I have my music to be antisocial. He listened, eyes closed, to one of his favorite songs. The Price Of A Mile by Sabaton. His ears started feeling weird. They got slightly warm. He thought it was weird but thought nothing of it. The second verse came on, and he started to get really into the music. Suddenly, it was as if it was louder, and he could feel the beat in his chest, almost as if-
"NO!" Tyler's eyes shot open and he removed his ear buds, only to confirm his fear: that song was now being played over the speakers to every single pony in town. oh fuck NONONONONO!!! he thought. He was stunned in his fear, and he listened in horror;
Young men are dying They pay the price Oh how they suffer So tell me what's the price of a mile?
He looked around, at everypony's faces. There were looks of confusion, one or two of horror when they realized what the song was about.
Thousands of feet march to the beat It's an army on the march
He looked back at the turntables and saw Twilight, Vinyl and Noah. Noah was playing the air guitar, Vinyl had her shades raised and looked at Noah quizzically, Twilight's brow was furrowed slightly, like she was thinking.
Long way from home Paying the price in young men's lives!
Then Noah stopped, and his eyes went wide; so did Twilight's. Tyler looked back at the rest of the party goers, and they stopped whatever they were doing and looked at the speakers in disbelief that they were hearing what they were hearing.
Thousands of feat march to the beat It's an army in despair.
Tyler decided it was time to act. He got up and rushed the turntable, but in his size he was not fast enough to reach it before the chorus had finished:
Knee-deep in mud Stuck in the trench with no way out.
Tyler reached the turntable, throwing a venomous glare at Noah before shouting above the speakers to Vinyl.
"Turn it off!" Immediately, the glow surrounding her horn stopped, and so did the glow around the speakers and Tyler's earphones.
The whole barn went absolutely quiet. No one spoke, everypony just looked at them, the two humans and mares at the DJ area. The only sound was coming from Tyler's headphones, a quiet hum of the music that they had just been hearing. He unplugged his headphones, automatically pausing his music. He stuffed his phone into his pocket hastily. It was a few moments before Twilight spoke up.
"Tyler, what was that that you were listening to?" CRAP! Tyler knew exactly what she was asking, and knew that he'd been caught. He hadn't been forced to explain something this embarrassing since his parents found his small Fluttershy figurine he had received as a joke present from his cousin.
"I don't think that this is an appropriate place to discuss my music tastes." A cyan pegasus flew over to Twilight's side, then stepped forward to confront Tyler.
"My friend here asked you a question and you're suspiciously withholding an answer! So tell me, why exactly can't you tell us what the music is about? Huh? HUH!? ANSWER ME!" Tyler could only step back, as he was now being pushed and pressured by a pony less than half his size, legitimate fear overtaking his entire conscious.
"Look, I, um, don't think you want to know."
"Rainbow," Twilight said, "if he doesn't want to tell us, he doesn't really need to, it's not a big deal."
"NO! He's hiding something, and I want to know WHAT! I mean, don't you think it's a little suspicious that he enjoys listening to music that talks about death and killing!?"
"Well, yeah, I guess it's kind of odd..."
"EXACTLY!" She turned back to Tyler and, quick as lightning, she flew up a few feet and got right in his face. "WHAT IS THE SONG ABOUT! TELL ME!" That was it; Tyler had been backed into a corner.
"Fine. I'll tell you, but please... lets wait till the parties over, I, I really don't do well being at the center of attention... especially in front of a whole town."
"Nuh uh, you're gonna spill the beans right no-" Twilight cut her friend off.
"Please Rainbow, lets just wait. It can't be comfortable for him, at all."
Rainbow Dash groaned, "Ugh, fine! But he better tell us after the party."
"Thank you rainbow dash," Twilight turned back to Tyler, "now please relax and try to enjoy the rest of the party, I promise she wont bother you about it anymore."
"Right thanks," okay, now I have to fix things with the ponies Tyler jumped up on the stage and asked Vinyl for the mic. Once she gave it to him he spoke. "I'm really sorry if the song I was listening to scared, upset, or worried any of you. But I promise its nothing more then a simple song from my home about something that happened a very long time ago. Not all my music is like that, so I'd like to share something with all of you that's one of my favorites back home."
Tyler turned to Vinyl and asked her to hook his phone back up to the speakers. Once she had Tyler went through his playlist until he found the song he was looking for.
The song started up with a familiar tune to Noah, he grinned as he realized the song Tyler had chosen and hoped this would help mend things a little.
I remember when We used to laugh About nothing at all It was better than going mad
Some of the ponies seemed to perk up to the song, some smiled and started talking, things were looking good to Tyler so far.
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through Forget 'em all Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall Together we faced it all Remember when we'd
Stay up late and we'd talk all night In a dark room lit by the TV light Through all the hard times in my life Those nights kept me alive
Soon ponies were laughing and joking again, just dancing and enjoying the music. With that Tyler sighed in relief and walked back over to the corner to, once again, retreat into his antisocial shell.
Well, hopefully this wont come back to bite us on the ass
In an effort to regain trust with the ponies, Tyler played a selection of uplifting music from his favorite band, Skillet, throughout the night. Eventually, the party died down, and ponies started leaving. After most had gone, Vinyl decided it was time to pack up. Noah helped her put away her DJ equipment into some boxes, and they struck up conversation, proceeding to hit it off.
"Hey, it was nice talking with ya, bro. If you ever wanna swing by my place, we can talk music and stuff, got it?" She was smiling sincerely at him.
"Hooah." Vinyl's smile faded and she now wore a look of confusion. Having been in Army ROTC for well over two months now, he had a tendency to forget most of the people around him weren't in the ROTC. 'Hooah' is the pronounced version of the Army acronym HUA, meaning "Heard, Understood, and Acknowledged". It can mean anything and anything except for 'no'. For example, its meanings include, but are not limited to, the following:
"Huh?" Realizing his mistake, he quickly corrected himself.
"Oh, I mean, sure, I'd like that." Her smile returned, and she walked out, music equipment in tow. After a few moments the barn was empty except for the Mane Six, the four humans, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who were allowed to stay since they were having a slumber party that night anyway.
"Alright, enough waiting, tell me what the song is about, and tell me why you guys are acting so suspicious about it!" By this time, Andre had joined his two friends. Adam was out cold in the corner, silently enjoying his sugar coma.
Tyler looked at her, "Alright.............. its about a war that occurred nearly a hundred years before any of us were born. Starting on July 28 of 1914 and ending on November 11 of 1918. It was a terrible war that engulfed most of Europe. the major combatants being the Allies, which consisted of the British Empire, France, Russia, Italy, Japan, and the United States near the end of he war, as well as several others I cant remember. Then there was the Central Powers, which consisted of Germany, Austria- Hungary, the Ottoman Empire, and Bulgaria........." Tyler went on into a detailed explanation of the major points of the war and how it was fought,Noah stayed quiet during Tyler's explanation, since he was probably the most knowledgeable when it came to warfare history between 1900 and 1955. In about an hour, Tyler had finished his little lecture.
"S-so," stammered Applejack, "all those people died over some...pride?" Noah and Tyler nodded grimly. Rainbow let her anger get the better of her, naturally; she got into a fighting stance, ready to face off against these violent creatures.
"Look, buddy, how can we trust you, huh? You could be SPIES! Plus you like listening to songs about horrible wars and stuff. So how can I know that you mean us no harm?" Her nostrils were flaring, and she was ready for a fight. Andre decided it was time for him to step in, as Noah and Tyler weren't doing a good job of explaining things.
"Look," he said, drawing her attention, "the song was meant to describe how bad it was, and to imply that war is a bad thing. We're into stuff like that because we're all men from military backgrounds, and we love and honor the armed forces of our country. We are peaceful people, it's just that we're not afraid to put ourselves in harms way if needs be. But we never actively seek conflict. Does that make sense?" Rainbow lowered her guard a degree or two.
"Yeah, I guess."
"Oh please , Rainbow, do behave. There's no way these admittedly large and slightly brutish looking creatures could ever stoop so low as mindless violence," said guess-freaking-who, stepping up and putting a hoof on Andre's leg. "Their kin may be violent, but I can tell that these four are gentlemen, am I right, boys?" They all gave a simultaneous 'yes'.
"Ah agree with Rarity on this one, Dash," Applejack said. "Ah just haven't seen any reason not to trust'em. Besides, Tahler and Ah got ta talkin' and Ah know he's a good feller, and Ah can also tell his friends are just as nice as he is." Now Tyler blushed slightly. To have someone from the group talk about how his character in a positive manner was unusual for Tyler. Rainbow though, was still eyeing them with uncertainty, but she dropped her guard. Mostly.
"Alright, but know this: I'm watching you guys." Tyler exhaled an imperceptible sigh of relief. He relished in the fact that she now trusted him. However, he could not get over the shame he had on behalf of the human race. All the wars, all the fighting, the bloodshed; it was a horror he had planned on keeping from these innocent equines, but he couldn't even make it three days...
"So, then," started Twilight, "what exactly brought you to Equestria?" The three humans looked toward each other, unsure of what to do. Since Tyler was the only one who knew how to deal with these ponies properly, the two smaller humans looked to him questioningly. He nodded, and they told their stories: how Noah fell asleep and woke up in a field, then luckily managed to find his way to Ponyville; how Tyler fell asleep next to a produce cart, then woke up in the Ponyville marketplace; how Andre went for a walk and got lost, then found himself in the Everfree Forest. When they were done, the six ponies looked impressed, with the exception of Pinkie Pie, who was ecstatic.
"OH OH OH THEN WHAT THEN WHAT THEN WHAT!" Her diction was absolutely prefect, allowing her to spit out words faster and more clearly than Weird Al, which is in fact saying something.
"There's nothing more to tell," said Noah. Pinkie's face fell, and her hair deflated ever so slightly.
"Wait," said Rainbow. "What about him ," she asked, pointing to Adams now-stirring, lumpy figure. Adam lifted his head up and groaned. Noah ran over to him and helped him up, they walked back over to the circle in the center of the barn where everyone was seated, and helped him down.
"Oh yeah, how exactly did you end up in the barrel, Adam?" Andre asked pointedly.
"Well, you see it all started when...."
At this point Princess Celestia accidentally cast a silencing spell around the 13 creatures and the reader then missed Adam's story entirely. She realized her mistake and immediately lifted the spell.
"...And then I was woken up by you idiots, and I got out of my lovely barrel."
"WOAH!" they all said, impressed. Applebloom could barely contain her excitement.
"So what ever happened to your lady friend?! Did the pirate man ever get you back!? Tell me more!" Her request was backed up by the rest of the CMC.
"Maybe some other time, tiny snack cake." All three of their faces fell.
Tyler could not help but take in how utterly adorable every single one of the three little ponies were. He had to resist the urge to scoop them up in his arm and squeeze them. He thought that the d'awww would give him a hhhnnnggg attack at any moment. He looked at his friends faces, and noticed that they appeared to be unfazed by the ponies cuteness.
There was a knock on the barn door. Applejack went over to open it to Vinyl.
"Hey, sorry, but I left my sub here, just came by to get it."
"Sure, thang, come on in." Vinyl did just that, walking past them all, giving a passing glance to Noah. She walked up to her subwoofer, magicked it into the air, and began to walk out. Fluttershy spoke for the first time since the end of the party.
"So, um, what where will you guys be staying?" Oh. Crap , thought Tyler. He hadn't even thought about the others.
"Well, I'm staying with Applejack for a little while. I don't know about the others." Vinyl stopped completely, turning back to the others.
"Hey, if one of you needs a place to crash, I can make something on the couch."
"Dibs!" Everyone looked at Noah. Tyler was slightly annoyed at Noah's random declaration.
"Noah, you can't just call dibs. We should discuss i-"
"Back off, Rapunzel." Tyler turned to Adam, who was now standing, and like this he towered over the sitting Tyler. "Bro called dibs, and when a bro calls dibs, that's the end of it. Got it?" Tyler forgot how absolute Adam was when it came to the Bro Code. Noah had given it to him as a birthday present, and he read it and took it to heart. It was pretty much a code of ethics for Adam.
"Alright, fine." It wasn't fine with Tyler, but he'd rather have Noah get away with jumping on the first opportunity like that than go on arguing like a child over something so stupid. Adam quietly sat back down in his spot.
"Alright, cool. You can come on over tonight, if you want."
"Yeah, I'd like that." Noah got up, and left with Vinyl, leaving his friends with the ponies. Applebloom immediately ran up to Applejack and put on her best puppy dog eyes, complete with quivering lip.
"Applejack, can't they all stay? Just for one night!? PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEE!" Applejack made the fatal mistake that Applebloom knew would be her downfall: she looked into the eyes.
"Ah don't know, Ah just....Ah... oh, alraght. But just for TONAGHT." She looked over to Andre and Adam. "Y'all can stay here for tonaght." Andre and Adam gave sincere thank-yous. They resumed their talking. Applejack brought out cider, and sent it around to everyone, with exception of the CMC.
Tyler, Adam, and Andre entertained their hosts with stories of their shenanigans two years earlier in Academy class back in High School. They talked about how Noah had always gotten into trouble because he never learned to keep is large mouth shut and how Adam had no shame in making himself look like a tool in order to make his friends laugh; they laughed and drank into the night. The ponies were not affected much by the alcohol, but Adam and Andre were obviously getting past their limits. Tyler knew better this time than to drink too much, only allowing himself to get buzzed. Andre, now slightly drunk, acted more random and stupid like Adam, who was remarkably quiet.
Andre got up on a ladder and climbed into the little space above and made snide comments about being a falcon or something. Eventually, though, he just fell asleep on some hay, bringing a chuckle from Tyler seeing his friend actually pass out.
Twilight mentioned the disturbances up in the Griffin tribes, how they were warring over what kind of government to hold. The loyalist factions, apparently, wanted to keep the tribal monarchists in control, while the rebels were in favor of a despotism. Adam chimed in, quite unexpectedly.
"Oh bullcrap, both systems are prone to failure. If what I understand is correct, it seems like the Griffins are more like humans personality wise, that is to say that they are more prone to corruption than ponies. Furthermore, despotism will work in the short run but it would only be a matter of time before a corrupted or corruptible person takes control, and then you find yourself on a one way trip right back to where you started." With that, he took another swig of his cider. Everyone was bewildered by Adams sudden sophistication and apt attention to detail.
"Adam," Rarity started, "I didn't know you were in to politics!" she said, happy to see a sudden sophistication in the man.
"Not really, it's just a common sense derived from presented factual basis combined with common knowledge of historical evidence." He took another swig. Tyler couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"Adam, why are you so-" he stopped talking mid-sentence once he realized that Adam had just collapsed. Apparently it was too much for the poor blob. Smiling, the two unicorns in the group lifted him up and plopped him down on a nice hay bed.
With that, it was just Tyler and the Mane Six and the CMC. Tyler didn't fully grasp that concept until he realized that all the eyes were now on him. He started panicking, figuring he would screw something up, let it slip that he knows so much about them. He decided to get as much information as possible to minimize that risk. He turned to the CMC and asked them questions first.
"So, what are your names?"
Scootaloo spoke up first. "I'm Scootaloo, and I'm gonna be fast like Rainbow Dash when I grow up," she said, smiling widely. Tyler looked over to Rainbow Dash, who was now blushing.
"Heh, good luck with that one kid. You're gonna have to train pretty hard to do that ." The other two couldn't hold it anymore.
"Ah'm Applebloom, Applejack's sistar. Ah'm gonna be like AJ and work on tha farm!"
"I'm Sweetie Bell, Rarity's sister. I don't know what I'm gonna do yet." Her voice cracks were so cute, Tyler couldn't help but smile.
"And together," Applebloom started, "we are tha CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!" The other two joined in for a high pitched, pony chorus. Tyler smiled at this, remembering one of his favorite songs, a remix of the CMC Theme by Alex S. He was snapped out of his memory by the stares of the CMC, expecting a reaction.
"Oh. Um, what's a Cutie Mark?" he asked dumbly. The three ponies cocked there heads and raised eyebrows.
"What?"
"How d'ya'll not know what a Cutie Mark is?"
"Well, they don't exist where I come from." This triggered raised eyebrows from the Mane Six as well.
"YOUMEANYOUDON'TGETACUTIEMARK!? OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHTHAT'S HORRIBLE!" sputtered Pinkie Pie, going crazy.
"Look," Twilight said. "A Cutie Mark is a mark that appears on your flank that resembles one's special talent. No two are alike, and one can only get them when they realize what their special talent is. For example, Princess Celestia's cutie mark is the sun, and she raises it every day. Does that make sense?"
Absolutely. "Yeah, I guess so. We don't have cutie marks then, humans don't really have ONE special talent. We kind of do whatever we can learn, though some people do have a knack for doing one specific thing." Tyler turned back to the CMC. "So I'm guessing you three have made it your goal to get your cutie marks as soon as possible?"
"That's right!" Sweetie Bell, exclaimed, again shattering her glass vocal chords.
"Well, I hope you guys find your talents soon." He turned to the others, ready to be bored out of his mind. Since he needs to relearn EVERYTHING he already knew, he asked what would be the most redundant question of his life. "So, how did you guys get YOUR cutie marks?" And they told him in excruciating detail about how they got their cutie marks.
Just calm down, Tyler. It will all be over soon...
Noah and Vinyl walked, subwoofer floating in the air. It was a pleasant, cool night in Ponyville. Noah could not believe how many stars there were in the sky; with constant lights in every area Noah has ever lived, he never got to see this many stars at once before. It was really something. However, he couldn't look up for too long before his neck started to hurt, yet he did it anyway, wanting to absorb as much of the sky's beauty as possible, even while talking to Vinyl.
"And you got more of this stuff?"
"Yeah, lots more."
"Like, how much?"
"Over nine hours." Vinyl stopped in her tracks, causing Noah to fall over her, winding up on his face in the dirt. Guess that's what I get for not watching where I'm going...
"Nine....hours ?"
"Yeah, why?" he asked, getting up and wiping the dirt off of his front.
"Dude. The possibilities are endless ! We might never had to use the same playlist ever again! I mean, with that many songs, we could bring a variety previously unseen in Equestria!" Noah found this amusing, and tried not to smile. The thing about Vinyl's idea was that she was right; everything she was saying was true. This didn't occur to Noah however, as the music industry on Earth is very different, and the idea of just over a hundred songs making that kind of difference was laughable at best.
"Woah, slow down there, Vinyl. It's only a hundred songs." Vinyl rounded on him.
"JUST a hundred songs? Dude, I haven't even made 50 songs, and I have the second highest number of recorded songs on the MARKET! If I suddenly tripled my repertoire of music, I could be the Queen of Music in Equestria!"
"Uh, how many songs do you think there are, Vinyl?" Vinyl paused for a moment before answering.
"Exactly 2,576." What.
"2576?"
"Yup."
"Exactly?"
"Exactly." Noah was now very skeptical at the sanity of this admittedly cool DJ.
"And how do you know that?"
"Because I know pretty much everyone in the biz. Every time one of them makes a song, I know about it. Besides, magic records are only a couple years old so there aren't many people who can produce music anyway."
"OOOOooooooh. So the ability to make music and stuff is only a few years old?"
"Yeah, why?" Noah slapped his forehead.
"That explains it." His eyes went wide as he realized the magnitude of what Vinyl had been saying a few moments prior. "Oh my gosh. Dude, what you were saying is TRUE! We could be LEGENDS!" Noah was now smiling broadly.
"Yeah no kidding!"
"You wanna hear the rest of the songs?"
"DO I!?" Vinyl took off. Noah followed quickly after. Vinyl was pretty fast, as a pony would be, but because of her small size Noah was able to keep up to a decent extent. They raced across town, drawing stares from the townspeople. Some waved to Vinyl, others just ignored them. Either way, they were about to have a blast.
Tyler and the group had a lot of fun telling stories and making jokes that night, and the cider really helped him socialize. The CMC fell asleep before 11pm, and were carried into the house to be put into their bed. After a few good byes, the Barn was empty, save the two snoring baffoons.
AJ led Tyler into the house and upstairs. Down the hall was a small guest room. There wasn't much in it, just a desk, a bed, and a nightstand. To Tyler's relief, it also had its own bathroom.
"Now get a good naght's sleep, alraght, Tahler? Y'all gonna get up early tomorrah ta start workin'."
"Yes, ma'am." Applejack chuckled at the formality.
"Aw, shoot, just call me AJ, alraght sugarcube?"
"Got it, AJ," Tyler said with a smile.
"Alraghty then. Good naght."
"Night, AJ." With that, Applejack closed the barn door leaving Tyler to himself.
Before drifting off Tyler decided to have a look at everything he currently owned. A Shoppers apron, a black polo, a white t-shirt, a pair of dark blue jeans, a brown belt, a pair of brown waterproof hiking boots (which he used at work because of his job in the meat department), a harmonica, a phone, a boot knife, a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and a pair of white cotton gloves. As well as a couple hundred bits.
Tyler sighed, these things were his only real connection to his own world now, it was kind of a depressing thought to him. He thought about what his family must be going through right now, having him just disappear into thin air.
He laid down in bed trying to push these depressing thoughts away as he slowly drifted off into sleep.
Here's the glimpse of things to come, as I promised:
SLIGHT SPOILER, NOTHING SERIOUS
All was quiet inside [withheld location]. [name withheld for spoiler purposes] sat eagerly, awaiting [withheld] intruders entrance. There it was, the sound footsteps coming up the stairs. They were getting closer, until they were right outside the door, then silence. With a thunderous BOOM Adam knocked down the door. Tyler rushed into the room, and stopped mere yards from [name]. Noah and Adam were right behind him.
"Ah," she started, delighted at the chance to kill [withheld] prey. "I'm glad you could join us. [withheld] and I were just talking about you three. But of course, you're too late, [withheld] begun, and we are now unstoppable. Soon, [withheld] will-"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, [insult]!" Tyler reached to his belt and pulled out his [withheld]. With a swift motion, he [withheld]. She slumped to the ground, dead before [withheld] even got there.
"Well," started [withheld], "that was rather....anticlimactic."
Hey guys in case you didn't read the blog, Adam is missing we can't find him, and Andre never wanted to be a contribooting part of this team anyway, so it's just Tyler and I. However, that does NOT mean that AoL or ASI is going to stop. No siree, we're still going strong.
Yeah it's great! I can't wait for the next chapter to see what my friends and I will do! Although, I'm not gonna lie, I don't think it was wise of you to kill off - MMMPH!
SHUT IT PINKIE! Ignore her folks, she's delusional. TYLER! Did you let her in here?!
....maybe.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT PONIES IN THE AUTHORS NOTES!?
I'm sorry, she offered me a cupcake with Rainbow Dash's cutie mark.
Wait. RAINBOW DASH's cutie mark?
Yeah, wh- OH DEAR LORD PINKIE HOW COULD YOU?!*hack* *cough*
LOL YES, HE BOUGHT IT
AHAHAHAHA *snort* that was GREAT!
*brohoof*
Wait, so this isn't like Cupcakes?
Nope, not at all! HAHAHAHAHA
-Sigh- Even Pinkie Pie.....
This chapter dedicated to Genevieve Lewis
April 3rd, 1919 -- 10/31/2012
It was like a massage. Every single nerve in Noah's body felt amazing. The vibrations were relaxing all of his muscles.
"And you got one of these everywhere?"
"Yup!" Vinyl Scratch's house had more speakers than Texas has guns.
"How many do you have!?"
"I got 22 tweeters, 44 woofers, and 32 subs."
"How do you POWER all those things?" Noah immediately facepalmed after realizing that they don't have electricity and anticipated her answer.
"Uhhh, magic, dude. Just like everything else." I should have seen that one coming.... Even on the couch he could still feel the immense power of the subwoofer. "Why, how do you guys power speakers where you come from?"
"Electricity." Vinyl sat up, curious.
"Electricity? Like, lightning ?"
"Well yeah, but usually in far smaller amounts. Like, the battery in my phone holds an electric charge and powers it." Vinyl was evidently confused, but did not press the issue.
"Huh, you guys are weird." Vinyl said bringing a small chuckle from Noah.
"Yeah, I could say the same thing about you guys. The pegasi controlling the weather, the plants can't grow on their own? It's so odd here."
"Woah, that's not normal where you come from?" she asked.
"No." Noah replied flatly
"Dude, that's freakin' weird. OK, I'm tired, so Imma hit the hay. Got anything you like listening to to fall asleep?" Noah smiled the devious smile he always wore when he was about to impress someone.
"Yeah. Link my phone to all your speakers." Her horn glowed, and the connection was secured. Noah scrolled through his phone, looking for his favorite dubstep song to fall asleep to. He found it, and prepared himself before pushing play and resting his phone on the floor next to his couch.
I'm sleepless, you got me wide awake... I'm dreamless, my soul is yours to take... I'm haunted when I look in your eyes... I want this and I won't be denied...
I'm sleepless
The song dropped. Hard The bass was incredible, the melody slow and beautiful. Noah closed his eyes, and was asleep in less than thirty seconds.
"Rise n shine, sugarcube!" Tyler groggily opened his eyes, recoiling at the bright light of the sun now pouring in through the light of his rooms window.
"Morning, Applejack." He wiped the sleep from his eyes and stretched his limbs gratefully, feeling a little embarrassed that AJ had to wake him and wishing he had set his phones alarm, "So, what're we gonna do first?"
"Well, first we're gonna have some breakfast. No use tryin' ta work when ya haven't eaten. Come with me." Tyler obliged, following his employer into the farmhouse.
Tyler saw that Applebloom was sitting at the table eating what looked like a bowl of cereal with a small saddle bag sitting next to her; he figured she must be getting ready for class.
Seeing Tyler enter the kitchen Applebloom looked up and smiled. "Mornin' Tahler."
"Morning Applebloom," Tyler responded with a smile. He still couldn't get over how freaking cute she was. Cute in a D'AWWWWWWW kind of way, not cute in a "I'd like to see where this goes" kind of way.
"Ah have ta go ta school, but when Ah get back, y'all wanna play with me?"
"Uh, if I get time after working, then sure." Tyler looked over to Applejack expectantly.
"Yeah I reckon y'all will get a bit a tahm ta play after Tahler gets offa work. Now, eat up! Y'all are gonna need it." She pushed a bowl of oatmeal over to Tyler.
Tyler wasn't really an oatmeal kind of guy, but it also had all kinds of fruits in it, mostly apples, as though that was not a given. He took his spoon and lifted a bite near his mouth, and sniffed it. It smelled fantastic, so he ate it enthusiastically. To his delight, it tasted as good as it smelled. But because the bowl was so small, and not to mention that Tyler's a fast eater, he finished the entire bowl in 20 seconds.
"Wow, y'all eat maghty quick!"
"Oh sorry, I just eat quickly out of habit, I'm a big guy and I usually get up at the last minute for work, so I usually eat rather quickly. It's not a big deal, really." He didn't want to imply that he also needed more in order to actually be satisfied. Though contrary to his size, Tyler usually only ate one real meal a day, and usually not a big one. When it came right down to it, Tyler would starve before imposing on these, his idols.
"Oh. Ah hadn't considered that. Do ya need another helpin'? We got a lot of it, so don't feel shy 'bout eatin' whatcha need ta!" Tyler smiled at her offer and thanked her, accepting two more bowls before he had a decent sized meal. When everyone was done eating, Applejack and Applebloom cleaned up the table and kitchen, despite Tyler offering to help. With all that done, they were led out into the chilly, dark morning. Tyler stopped.
"Hey, wait, wasn't it light out before?"
"Yeah, but that was for painting a nice mental picture for the readers." Tyler almost jumped out of his skin. He looked down, and Pinkie Pie's head and neck were protruding from his right pocket, staring right up at him. She pulled the rest of herself out and hopped around merrily.
"What the fu-"
"Don't question it, sugarcube."
"But, how could that happen?"
"Well," Pinkie started, "It's magic, I ain't gotta explain jack!" With that, she hopped away happily.
"Uh, fair enough I guess."
"Anyway, come on over here." Tyler followed her, taking in his surroundings, making sure to note how to get to their destination and how to get back. After a few minutes silently walking, Applejack stopped. Applejack turned to Tyler and pointed to one of the many trees.
"OK, now watch what Ah do." She placed the baskets at even intervals around the tree, about a foot away from the base of the trunk. She turned around, and bucked the tree. All the apples fell out and into the baskets. "See? Jus' do that and y'all will do fahn."
"OK, I'll give it a shot." He picked a rather small looking tree, and walked up to it. He remembered many of the other Human In Equestria fics he would read and how many a time the main character ended up apple bucking on AJs farm and how they would do so, though he seriously doubted the actual ability of an average human to actually succeed in doing so. But he figured he might as well give it a shot He turned so his back was to the tree, lifted his leg in front of him, then swung it back as hard as he could. His leg shot back with incredible force. And it might have worked, if it actually hit the tree. Instead, it propelled him backwards two feet and Tyler ended up with a trunk in his groin. "AAAAAUUUGGH!" Applejack visibly recoiled after watching that, pretty sure she knew what he had just slammed into the tree.
"Oh, you all raght, sugarcube?" He looked at her with a pained expression.
"No." His head fell back down into the dirt. He rolled over, clutching his crotch carefully, trying to prevent any unwanted movement.
"Y'all want me ta get some ice for that?"
"No, it's -AH- fine. I just need a minute." Or ten. After a few moments, Tyler slowly got up, leaning against the tree for support. Applejack approached him, getting real close. She had an odd look on her face, like a mix between happy and tired.
"Ah know what will make ya feel better." She began to massage his groin with her hoof. She stopped suddenly, and put it up his shirt, feeling his stomach. Tyler could not believe his luck that Applejack turned out to be nympho. She began sliding her hoof down his waist, and into his pants until she reached his-
Oh FUCK no! Adam! What the HELL is this?!
Dude, just roll with it, it's not like you're going to get laid anywhere else.
I don't give a fuck! I am NOT having sex with Applejack! God, it's like the start of a bad porno.
Would you rather me make it a bit higher quality?
No, I want you to not make me have sex with Applejack.
Dude, come on! I am TOTALLY being a wingman right now!
NO SEX WITH APPLEJACK, AND THAT. IS. FINAL!
-sigh- Fine. You're no fun, Tyler.
Anyway, back to what ACTUALLY happened. Applejack walked up to him, concerned about his well-being. She looked him in the eyes with a sympathetic smile.
"Look, why don'tcha just recover, and when ya do, come get me an' we'll try again. In the meantahm, Ah'm gonna buck. Y'all just watch me and try to pick up a few things from watchin'. That sound good ta you?" Tyler considered for a moment.
"Yeah, I'm good with that."
"Alraght." And with that, she began bucking trees like there was no tomorrow.
Man, I hope the others are having a better morning than me.
There were stars. Stars EVERYWHERE. Andre got up, shaking his head, like he usually did. This proved to be a BIG mistake. It was as though his headache was a little ball that expanded in response to movement, and now it was occupying the entirety of his now-splitting skull.
He looked around, eyes hurting from the harsh morning light, and realized that he was in the barn. He remembered the events from the day before, though some points were hazy as best. He looked around and realized he was about an inch and a half from the edge of the barn's upper level. Quickly recoiling, much to his heads displeasure, he got onto his feet, and climbed down the ladder to the lower level. He looked around carefully, making sure that he didn't knock anything over in case he stumbled.
"'Bout time you got up." The sudden noise brought shock as well as pain to Andre's head. He turned around and saw Adam, sitting like a pompous king on a thrown of hay he made himself.
"OK, I am never touching alcohol ever again."
"Lightweight. You had less than half of what I drank." Adam deadpanned
Andre was befuddled, "Wait, aren't you feeling, like, hungover?"
"Nah." Adam replied
"What, why? Oh wait it's because of your body size. No, that wouldn't explain why you feel nothing, plus you say you drank more than twice as much as me."
"I have powers here." Adam stated
"Wait, what?"
"Nothing, just go about your day. I shall find my own way. See luckily I know where this story is going and can plan accordingly."
"Oh, I get it. You're still drunk. OK, well, have fun with that." Andre turned and walked out of the barn. His eyes burned when he got outside, his hangover coming back in full force.
He began to walk away from the farm. He knew a basic layout of Sweet Apple Acres from a multitude of reaction pictures he had seen on the Internet. He got an idea of where he was, and wondered what he should do next, since he had literally nothing to do and he had no idea where any of his friends were, except for Adam. He thought about what Fluttershy did for him, and realized that he felt bad about what he did. Being a good little moral person, he decided he'd find Fluttershy and thank her...properly .
Adam, stop. I wanted to help her out with chores and stuff.
What is WRONG with you guys!? What could POSSIBLY be the problem with yellow vagina?
It's not that it's yellow vagina, it's that it's pony vagina. Stop trying to ship us with the ponies. Your beard powers don't compare to my Negro Powers, and I will use them.
Oh? And what powers would that be?
The powers to deliver a swift kick to the nads and get away with it.
You make an interesting argument, Oh Colored One.
Andre made his way to Fluttershy's Cottage. He was there in about half an hour, as he got lost. Twice. He walked up to the cabin door nervously, and knocked on the door three times. He could hear her hoofsteps coming from within, and after a moment she answered the door.
"Oh, Fuckface, how are you?" He decided to ignore his migraine for now and fix the things that needed to be fixed.
"I'm pretty good. I just wanted to came by and thank you for all that you did for me when I was injured and needed a place to stay. I wanted to thank you properly by seeing if there was anything I could help you with. Oh, and also, Fuckface isn't my name. My name is Andre, but Adam just likes messing with people."
"Oh. I'm terribly sorry about not using your real name, Andre. And normally I wouldn't accept an offer like this, but I am exceptionally busy today and an additional hand would be most welcome. Do you like animals?" Aw yeah.
"Yeah, actually I LOVE animals." Fluttershy's eyes lit up.
"Oh wow, that's great! Come in and I'll show you where to start." Andre followed her inside.
Vinyl awakened to her alarm clock, annoyed as usual. Her ears were so accustomed to bass that she had to use a particularly high pitched, droning sound to get up. She walked downstairs, yawning, ready for some breakfast. She walked into the living room, expecting to see Noah fast asleep on the couch. However, she was shocked when she found the place spotless. The blanket was gone, the pillow was, too, and Noah's shirt and - what did he call them, jeans? - were not on either. He was wearing a simple garment, blue, which said "Fruit of the Loom" on it.
I can see where thi-
NO ADAM! You know I don't believe in sex before marriage!
Dude, you're ALREADY IN YOUR BOXERS!
Be that as it may, I have no sexual attraction to Vinyl nor desire for sex, so just drop it.
God, you guys are so uptight.
He was on all fours, kinda, but his body was going up and down repeatedly, and he was counting. But it wasn't normal counting, either.
"One two three TWENTY ONE!" He said one number when he went down and then when he went up, as well, doing two of whatever these things were before moving on to the next of the larger numbers. "One two three TWENTY TWO!" Vinyl just watched him doing what she supposed was an exercise.
She noted his necklace, which was composed of a bunch of metallic beads, with an oval-looking thing, metal as well, with a black outline. The necklace also had a smaller necklace with another one of those oval things on it. As he went down, they struck the wooden floor with a dull, metallic thud. He didn't stop this until he got to thirty, at which point he stopped. He whispered something about recovering, then suddenly stood up. "Army strong!" He huffed for a moment before he noticed Vinyl was standing there.
"Oh, hey. How long have you been standing there?"
"Since twenty."
"Oh. Well, do you know what I was doing?"
"I assume it's exercise?"
"Yeah, they're called push-ups. They're great for discipline and building muscle. Not really much more to it than that. Oh! You want some breakfast?" Vinyl didn't follow. Noah walked into her kitchen, and Vinyl followed, though not mentally. She walked in and gasped. On the table was a nice assortment of cereal, fruit, and waffles.
"Woah. Dude!"
"Yeah, I thought it'd be a nice way of thanking you for your hospitality. Anyway, you got a shower I can use? I'm kind of sweaty and crap."
"Yeah, bro. Down the hall, second door on the right."
"Thanks. Noah left to take his shower, and Vinyl sat down in one of the chairs, ready to dig in. Maybe having this guy around permanently could be a good thing. She took a bite of one of the waffles noting how it was incredibly fluffy, much more so than what she was capable of making. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna have to see how this works out.
Noah grabbed his clothes from the couch and walked over to the shower. He crouched down and entered the bathroom, eventually electing to stay on his knees. He took off his boxers and his dog tags, and got in the cramped shower area. It took him about ten full minutes, but he managed to get every part of himself clean. He got out and grabbed two towels and dried himself, then got in his clothes again. It didn't feel right, but they weren't actually dirty. He managed to keep them relatively clean, and they all passed the sniff test. Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was wearing filthy tattered clothes. He mentally shook it off as he replaced his dog tags and placed them under his shirt. He exited the bathroom and made his way back to the kitchen. He looked in and Vinyl was still eating. She saw him come back in and immediately swallowed her bite so she could speak.
"Hey, come on and have a bite!" Noah smiled.
"Thanks, but I already ate." Vinyl was incredulous. She looked at the clock, and it told her that it was 8:33. She looked back at him.
"Woah, what time did you get up?"
"Six." Her jaw dropped. For Vinyl, 8 o'clock was like 5 AM, and only did it when she had stuff to get done. "Yeah, I know. I was really tired from the party, so I decided to give myself an extra hour of rest." Vinyl couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"Dude, why do you get up so early?"
"Well, it's a long story, but the short version is that I have gotten up early my entire life from religious purposes to Army programs back on Earth, so it feels natural. Plus if I start waking up later then I would become undisciplined, which is something I can't afford to become."
"Huh. Well, anyway, thanks for breakfast dude." Noah smiled widely.
"Yeah, no problem. So when you're done come get me and I'll help you clean up."
"Nah that won't be a problem, I got it."
"You sure?"
"Yeah," Vinyl insisted.
"Alright then." Noah got up from the table, and walked back over to the couch, taking a seat. He leaned forward on the tiny couch, placing his elbows on his legs, clasping his hands together in front of his mouth. And he thought. He thought hard.
About her .
Alright, let's try this again. Tyler picked his leg up again, making sure to align himself perfectly. He thrust his leg backward, and connected powerfully with the tree. And nothing fucking happened. He tried again. This time was a little bit different, as slightly more nothing happened. He had been going at it for well over an hour, trying many different strategies, even throwing the entirety of his two hundred pounds of fat, flesh, and muscle at the tree. Which only served to give him a large embarrassing bruise on his chest. Finally, he managed to make a single, solitary apple fall from the tree. A bruised one.
"Ah, DAMMIT!" He threw the apple on the ground in frustration. He was surprised when Applejack's voice came from right behind him.
"Aw, look sugarcube, it don't matter if ya can't buck apples. There's still plenty a work ta be done on tha farm. I tell ya what, go to tha farmhouse and ask Granny Smith if she needs any help. Sound good?"
"Yeah," Tyler grumbled. He set off on his way, feeling crappy and useless. If there was one thing Tyler hated more then being a burden, it was being a useless burden. Probably gonna be like sweeping or some shit like that. God, I bet even Applebloom could buck better than me.
I walked along the road, ready to pounce on anything I could make a sex joke out of. I thought about the myriad jokes I could make about the balloons this one pony was making, but I thought I shouldn't. After all, I was better than needing something so easy. It was obvious by the flicks of her mane that she-
DUDE COME ON! This story is third person omniscient! You can't just go making it first person whenever you so fancy!
Fine, continue with my part of the chapter.
You know what? NO! You don't get to be in this chapter because you're being an ass. Hope you're happy now.
Awwwwww...
A/N
n-n-n-nothing, its just that the tree gave me a pretty big bruise.
Oh, cool. Let us see it!
......no.
OK, then, we'll look at it by force. BEARD POWERS ACTIVATE!
No, NO! STOP! Hnng!
Alright, I'll lift his shirt and- HOLY CRAP!
AHAHAHAHA its like he has a penis tattooed on his chest!
Damnit, why am I always the butt end of jokes around here
Becuase you're the biggest push over
Fluttershy's garden was absolutely lovely. There were no fences anywhere, the animals just came back to their places when it was time to eat. Andre assumed that the same would happen when it was time for them to go to bed as well. Of course only a few of the groups of critters had legitimate little homes. Those were the ones that were Fluttershy's actual pets, and also the only ones that they had to feed.
Andre was pouring food for some of the kitties and bunnies when he felt a small tug on his pant leg. He looked over to his right, and saw Angel looking fairly discontented, and pointing lazily at the cottage.
"What is it? You want me to go to the cottage? Does Fluttershy want me?" Quick nodding, followed by a quick dash to the cottage door by Angel prompted Andre to go inside. He closed the door, and looked around, trying to find Fluttershy.
"Ma'am?"
"In here!" she called from the kitchen. "And you don't need to call me 'ma'am'. You can just call me Fluttershy."
"OK then, Fluttershy. What is it you needed?"
"Oh it's not what I need, it's what you need. You've been working for hours, and I thought you would be hungry, so I made us some lunch." Upon reflection, Andre realized he was, in fact, starving. He didn't even have breakfast that morning.
"Oh, wow thanks. I'd love some!"
He didn't even know what it was he would be getting. He walked over into the dining room and sat with Fluttershy on a chair that was almost too small for him. It creaked slightly under his weight, making Andre just a little nervous. Fluttershy put down a plate in front of him, and Andre was a little less than eager to eat. There was a large portion of hay on the side of a rather good-looking sandwich. Andre examined the sandwich, picking it up and looking at it with curiosity. Fluttershy had been watching him to see if he would like the food she had prepared, and noticed his curiosity.
"Um, it's got grass, dandelions, and lettuce on it. Is that a problem?" Uh...
"Uhhhh its nothing Miss Fluttershy." Without skipping a beat, he bit into the food. At first is wasn't bad at all, as he happened to get a mouth full of lettuce. However, the taste of the grass and texture of the flowers were less than appetizing with a very bitter taste. He ate probably half of it before attempting to down the hay. The hay had a flavor similar to a burnt toothpick, and was surprisingly easy to put down.
Once Andre finished his lunch he gave Fluttershy a reassuring smile. "That tasted wonderful Miss Fluttershy," stated Andre, holding back his urge to down the glass of water next to him.
Fluttershy smiled and gave a small sigh of relief. "Oh I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Now let's finish the rest of them."
"The....the rest of them?" Flutershy smiled happily and moved aside revealing the small tower of sandwiches behind her.DAMN YOU, POLITENESS!
Noah was still sitting on the couch, deep in thought about her . In other words Tara, his crush from back home.
As he thought about her, a harsh negative feeling crossed his mind, as if he had had something snatched away from him. He had just been about to finally work up the courage to ask her out. This was really a proverbial kick in the nuts for him, but he held out hope; hope that Celestia would be able to return him and his friends back home to Earth, though he was kind of worried about Adam and Tyler. Adam seemed to really enjoy it here and Tyler was living his dream. Getting them to return home where they belong would possibly take a lot of convincing.
Noah continued on thinking of all the things he would do once he got back home when his thoughts were interrupted by Vinyl.
"Hey dude, i was wondering if you wanted to see my studio?"
Hehe, Noah and Vinyl all alo-
*newspaper smack* NO! Bad Adam!
"Sure I'd love to!" Noah said now snapped out of his trance.
"Cool, follow me." Vinyl said as she walked over to the basement night.
Noah happily obliged as he followed her to the door. Noah found going down the stairs was fairly difficult for him as they were designed for a pony and therefore were a bit steeper and narrower.
After nearly tripping several times Noah finally reached the bottom, Noah found himself staring at a very nice personal studio. On the far wall he could see Vinyl's workstation, complete with mixers and knobs and buttons everywhere. To his right he could see the soundproof room that was undoubtedly used for recording vocals or live instruments.
"Wow Vinyl, this is awesome!" Noah stated happily.
"Thanks dude," said Vinyl as she started turning various nobs and switches. "I make ALL my music right here."
"Wow, I can see that," Noah looked around, admiring every piece of equipment as if he were staring at the holy grail of music creation.
"It took me years to gather all this stuff, and a lot of bits, but now I got one of the most advanced studios in all of Equestria," Vinyl said with pride in her voice. She turned to gauge his reaction; he was still in awe at the musical workshop before him Vinyl looked over Noah's relatively tall figure for a moment. "Hmmmm, you're gonna need a job while you're here right?"
"Well, I guess, if I'm gonna be stuck here for months possibly."
Vinyl grinned for a moment. "Well I have an opening at my club if you want it. Just a few things, bar tending, waiting, cleaning. Not really hard stuff, and if you want I can teach you a little DJing so you could help with the music."
A huge grin spread across Noah's face. "Sure. I'd love to help you!" The idea of working as a DJ at a club was a dream come true!
"Great, lets head on down there now so I can show you some stuff before the club opens," said Vinyl as she started up the stairs.
Tyler continued kicking himself for being pretty much useless as he walked up to the farm house. AJ had told him Granny Smith might need some help, when Tyler got to the front steps he saw her sitting there in her rocking chair.
"Uh Mrs. Smith? AJ sent me up here to see if you needed anything."
"Mrs. Smith," she said with a little laugh. "Nopony's called me that in decades. Ya'll can just call me Granny Smith, it's easier that way."
"Yes Mr- err Granny Smith. Well as I was saying, AJ sent me up here to see if there was anything you needed help with."
"Hmmmm." She sat there for a minute thinking. "Well now that Ah think about it, there a few things Ah could use some help with. The garden needs some tendin' ta, Ah'll need help makin' supper later, the barn needs ta be painted, an' the animals need ta be fed."
Tyler smiled a little. "No problem, I can help with any of that," he said with some eagerness in his voice. He was glad to see there were things to be done that he could easily help with.
"Well, somepony sure is eager ta get ta work. Follow me an Ah'll show ya where everything is." Granny Smith got up from her chair and headed to a small tool shed.
When she entered, Tyler felt like he had walked into a handy mans wet dream. Tools of all shapes and sizes lined every inch of the sheds walls, several containers held nails and screws, wires and paints. There was enough hardware here to start up an entire town.
Hehehe. 'Tools.'
"Lot of this stuff is a bit old, but it works better than that gydon crap we get. Everything ya see was made right here in Equestria," she said with a bit of pride. Tyler couldn't help but chuckle a little at that, earning a confused look from the elderly mare. "What's got ya chucklin' like a chicken?"
"Sorry Granny Smith, you just remind me a little of some one I know," Tyler said.
"Ah see, well let's start ya off with paintin' the barn, that sound alright?"
"Sure thing," Tyler replied.
"Well lets get started then." Granny smith began pointing things out to Tyler that he might need.
Tyler gladly followed and listened, making some notes in his notepad so as not to forget anything, a habit he'd developed to compensate for having a little short term memory trouble. For once he felt good about doing a job; he knew he could do most of the stuff Granny Smith was telling him and that he could do it well.
"Aaaaaauuuugggghhhhh..." Andre moaned loudly as he clutched his stomach. He had managed to down the sandwiches, but a mere fifteen minutes later he was curled up on the ground, unable to move because of the pain in his abdomen. Fluttershy was frantic, and somewhat pissed, even though she didn't show it.
"Why didn't you tell me that humans don't eat all that stuff? I would have gladly taken it out."
"I didn't want to - AH!- be rude."
"Ooohhhh, come now. You don't have to be so careful with me. I wouldn't think of it as rude, just another way I get to do a nice thing for a friend." Her words penetrated Andre's psyche. He dwelt upon them before another wave of pain racked his midsection. He then felt a horribly familiar feeling around his cheeks. No, the OTHER cheeks.
"Where's the bathroom!?" She was taken aback by the sudden question.
"Uh, over there." She pointed to a door across the room, which Andre immediately darted for. He got there, and opened it, and was terrified by what he saw: a toilet so small his 8 year old brother wouldn't even be able to use it. He thought fast, very fast, and decided to bite the bullet. He grabbed as much toilet paper as he could and bolted.
More like USAIN bolted!
*newspaper smack*
OW! What was that for!?
Making a crappy pun.
I don't know if you noticed, but the only things that are crappy right now are Andre's buttcheeks.
*smack*
Andre ran as fast as he could into the woods, away from Fluttershy. He found a nice looking log, pulled down his pants and underwear, and relieved himself. It just kept coming, slowly but surely. It wasn't until he heard the cracking of branches that he noticed the colts standing to his right; he was in the campsite of a Colt Scout troop. They all looked at him with bewildered looks, and the Scout Master was a combination of horrified and petrified.
His situation just keeps getting-
Adam if you say 'shittier' I'm gonna use your beard to wipe myself next time.
...
OK, you know what? Fuck it. Nothing could possibly be worse, I might as well enjoy it. Time to pull a Noah. He looked right into the Scout Masters eyes.
"Hey. How's it going?"
Vinyl walked into a small club, which had "Spinning Record" in bright magic lighting out front. Noah followed closely behind her, which was a little more difficult considering her natural walking pace was a bit faster then him.
"Well here she is. Now, let's get you set up before anypony arrives. I just need you to clean up, do trash, etcetera." Subway all over again.
"Sounds awesome. I can do that, easy." Vinyl grinned, as usual.
"Alright. Well, imma get set up over at the DJ station." She paused, and looked back at Noah. "You make music right? Did you have an artist name? Like, an alias?" The question caught Noah off guard.
"Uh, yeah. Why?"
"Mind telling me what it was?"
"Yeah. G-R-K-step, pronounced 'Jerkstep'." She nodded understandingly.
"Alright, sweet." She walked away without saying another word. Well, that was weird , Noah thought, as he took a seat, waiting for the club to fill up.
As time dragged on, the club slowly filled up with stallions and mares. As could be expected, they all ordered cups and cups worth of cider and beverages, and cups and cups found their way to the ground. Noah, with what he realized was actually very little instruction, simply picked up the trash wherever he could. Sometimes there'd be a clearing and he'd quickly get in and scoop up the garbage into a trash bag he got from behind the bar counter.
After about an hour of this repeated process, Noah got tired, as one would expect. He decided to sit down behind the bar and take a short break to rest his legs. The bartender, a mare with whom he was not familiar, approached him.
"Hey, sweetie, I'm gonna take trip ta tha little mare's room, don' let anyone steal tha liquor, got it? Good." She walked off before Noah could answer, so he just went back to his subtle thoughts. Noah only had one reservation about this, that being that somepony would approach him thinking he was a bartender.
Well, it was not long before his fear came true. It was a rather large stallion, clearly drunk, almost on his flank.
"I'll have another Bloody Mary. MAKE IT SHHHNAPPY!" Crap .
"Sir, I'm sorry, but I'm not a bartender. I can't make drinks, but even if I could, I wouldn't make one for you. You're obviously intoxicated." The stallion stared him in the eyes with a clearly annoyed expression. He did not break eye contact.
"Son, get your white ass back there and make me a damn Mary before I buck ya right in the scrotum." Welp, can't argue with that logic . Noah got up, and moved his white ass over to the cabinet, fearing that his currently intact genitals would cease to remain so. He opened the cabinet, and may as well have been looking at modern art: random things in random places that, when combined were glorified by random strangers who were clearly incapable of rational thought.
Noah had seen Bloody Mary's on TV, and they were usually blood red. So, he filled a tall glass from a bottle labeled "Straight Vodka" and added red food coloring. He stirred it for consistency, then served it to the drunk stallion, hoping beyond hope that he wouldn't know the difference.
The stallion grabbed the glass in he mouth, and whipped his head back, downing the glass in one gulp. He replaced the glass, then straightened his neck, meeting Noah's gaze. He wore that same annoyed expression as his body began Operation Pass The Fuck Out. His head connected with the bar with a loud thunk.
"Well then," Noah said, putting the materials back.
"Oh my Celeshtya." Noah turned to see that bartender mare approaching him again. "Not him again!" Noah looked back and forth between the bartender and the drunk, then back to the bartender.
"So, uh, you know him then?"
"Yeeeah I know 'im. He's a regulah. Ulways causin' trouble. Oh, names Majita, nice ta meetcha, sorey 'bout not indrahducin' maself earlia. Had ta run. So what's ya name?" Her Bostonian accent was incredibly sexy, even if she was a pony. Odd .
"Noah, nice to meet you."
"Likewise." They shook, and Noah gestured to the drunk. "So, what are we gonna do about him?" She laughed heartily.
"Yeah, Miss Vinyl mentioned ya'd be werkin' hia. Ya do tha trash, right?"
"That's correct." She gestured with her hooves.
"Then take out the trash!" She cackled loudly at her own jokes and went back to serving drinks. Noah frowned at the prospect of moving the heavy stallion all by himself, but he went to work without a word.
Noah dragged the unconscious stallion into the alley, as he was instructed by the bartender. He thought about taking him out the front, but that would mean dragging him twenty times farther across a very crowded dance floor. While Noah had no problem with the looks he'd get, he didn't have the strength to do it. After all, he wasn't Army Strong yet .
With a final shove, he let the stallion flop onto the ground. He felt bad about leaving the guy there, and decided to wait for a few minutes. He was called back in by Mahita. He was just in time to hear Vinyl make an announcement over the mic.
"Hey, sorry guys, but we gotta go. Manager says we got an emergency or some crap, and we gotta bail right away. I tried to tell him that his Grandma's birthday didn't warrant it, but you know how it is. See y'all TOMORROW!" With that, the entire crowd mumbled and grumbled their way out the door and probably back home.
"Ho. Ly. Shit." That was probably the hardest Tyler has ever worked in his life. When Granny Smith had finally called the day, he elected to lay on the roof and rest for a bit. He had painted the barn, replaced screws, fed basically every non-sentient being on the farm, shoveled crap, did a bunch of other things which won't be mentioned because Noah has difficulty listing things that go on on a farm, and finally finished with replacing a section of shingles on the roof.
Tyler laid in the soft dusk sun for awhile, almost dozing. He was taken from his thoughts by a sudden absence of light on his eyes, and he opened them to see a gigantic red stallion looking down at him with a blank expression.
"Howdy. Ah don' b'lieve we've met proper. Name's Big Macintosh. Y'all can call me Big Mac." He held out his hoof, which was now hovering over Tyler's body. He was instantly thrown into a flashback of days he'd spend on his uncles horse farm, and all the horrible memories of those massive creatures that came with it. Tyler yelped in fear of being crushed and rolled away, managing to to send himself off the roof somehow. He stood up and stared Big Mac in the eye, ready for a fight. However, Big Mac was incredibly surprised, his mouth open and his eyes a bit wider.
"Hey, now, calm yerself down!" Tyler was breathing heavily, his eyes darting around, trying to find the horses that were trying to kill him. Instead, he saw a concerned Big Mac looking at him. He quickly recovered himself, blushing at that embarrassing episode.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I thought you were, um, trying to hurt me." Mac's eyebrow raised.
"What? Why would Ah try'n hurtcha?" Great .
"Well, I, uh, nevermind, its a long story. So you said your name is Big Mac?"
"Eeyup."
"Nice to meet you, I'm-"
"Tahler. I remember ya. I saw y'all workin' all day, and Ah gotta say, Ah'm impressed." They shook, and released. "Ah honestly thought ya wouldn't be able ta pull yer weight when ya couldn't buck worth a hay, but yer alright, Tahler. It's just nahce ta see somepony who's not afraid ta work fer their dinner's all. Welcome ta the farm."
"Thanks, dude. That means a lot actually." Mac dipped his head in a curt nod.
"'Course." With that, Mac turned and lept from the roof and landed with an exerted grunt, and walked inside the house, no doubt about the get some dinner. Tyler thought to himself for a moment, wait....... how did he get up here? then he face palmed, the guy works on a farm, and obviously has to do roof work, and not to mention he was in a world run by cartoon physics.
Tyler chuckled to himself and sat back down. He began thinking about dinner. It was steak night back at his house. Those glorious, glorious steaks that his dad would make. The warmth of his home, the love of his family, his friends. But He thought also to the mental and emotional torment wrought by his own insecurities, exploited by his younger siblings. He remembered the horrible things he had seen, heard. He remembered how cruel the world at home was. His dark thoughts turned inwards towardsd himself, about how hateful and angry he was. His friends would alwyas tell him he was a nice guy, very empatchetic towards others. When Tyler meet a young troubled freshman he took it upon himself to look after teh kid somewhat, kinda be like a big brother to him. But Tyler beleived the negative parts. He had tried so hard to change, to make himself less angry and hateful, to forgive anyone who wronged him, and to ask forgiveness from those he wronged. But he would fall every time, and go back to being the angry little bastard he was.
He was brought back to Equestria by the sun, now magnificently waning beyond the horizon. It was captivating in every way; the beautiful colors, made brighter and magnificent by the nature of the world itself, were so relentless on him. He thought of the peacefulness of this world, how it was so nice, so pleasant, so warm, so kind.
He thought about it for just a few moments before he realized that he felt something that he had not felt in a long time: peace. Not just temporary relief from his troubles, but, in fact, a glorious, overwhelming calm and lack of stress. He had no more unwanted responsibilities, he was currently in a world that he knew virtually everything about, surrounded by kind-hearted ponies who accepted him, and best of all, he had his best friends in the world were with him.
This realization brought to his eye a single tear, which pathetically dribbled down his face, and onto the shingles he had just repaired. He let the beauty sink in for a few minutes, not moving, just staring at the amazing sky. Maybe.... maybe things can change , a smile parted his lips Yeah, things can change .
Noah had finally gotten all of the trash cleaned up from the floor, and sat down, exhausted. The whole club was clear of trash, and two elderly mares were sweeping the bar floor. He closed his eyes to relax for a moment when he felt a weight on his shoulder. He cracked an eye to see Vinyl standing before him, grinning in that way that she always did. Her shades beautifully reflected his face.
"You did a nice job tonight, bro. I'm all packed up, so let's go home, yeah?" Finally!
"Yeah, sure. I'm SO ready to go to bed." He got up, stretched himself, and proceeded out the door with Vinyl. He passed the drunken stallion, still asleep. He paused, wondering if Vinyl might berate him for what he did. "Hey, uh, should we just leave him here?" She looked around for a moment until she saw the red stallion.
"Huh? Oh yeah, he does this like once a week. He always pays for his drinks the next time he comes in, orders whatever he wants, and pays the next week. It's not good for him, but he's our best customer so the boss let's him do it. He'll wake up tomorrow and go home or something, I wouldn't worry about it." That was awful. Or at least, in Noah's opinion. He reasoned that there must have been a good reason for it. After all, he was in a land of magic, friendship, and talking equines. Nothing like Earth.
He began the trek home with his employer/roommate beside him. The sun was setting, he could tell. He looked up at the sky, and was blown away by the magnificent colors. He was now in a clearing, away from buildings and trees, which led to a tiny road that went out of Ponyville to somewhere else. From here, Noah could see the beautiful mountain ranges.
If the sky was magnificent, then the sunset was nothing short of God-like. He could not describe in his mind just how beautiful it looked. He was so stunned that he stopped, wide eyed, dropped jaw to stare. It filled him with beauty. It was a feeling that he hadn't felt since he last saw Tara.
The pure, beautiful radiance drew him in, engulfed him. His entire body grew warm, as memories of his love swirled in his mind. He was brought to mental apex as he remembered the last time she and him were together. She leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He remembered that moment, and many others, all brought to the surface by the dazzling display before him. He could not stop the tears of joy from coming, one on each cheek.
"Dude. You OK?" This question snapped him out of his trance. He could feel the afterfeel of that feel. It was feely.
"Oh, uh....yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." And they walked.
Andre made sure to make the guy uncomfortable, shifting all the awkwardness from himself to the Scout Master. He quickly finished and cleaned up, and left without a word.
After an hour of walking, Andre finally made it to Fluttershy's Cottage. It was really disappointing, seeing as how he had convinced himself that he would get home. In hindsight, it was a stupid assumption. When he got back, he didn't just see the cottage, however. Fluttershy was tending to some of the animals and plants in her garden, no doubt having to work alone since Andre was gone. He was about to call to her, when he noticed something.
Everything was glowing. Everything . The sun was shining through the horizon, on it covered everything in a beautiful glow. Fluttershy turned and it was simply breathtaking. The suns glow surrounded her entire figure, making her appear more like an angel than a pegasus. The glow illuminated her mane, a soft pink glow emanating from it. Her coat amplified the suns yellow texture, creating a perfect outline.
Had she been a human, Andre might have fallen in love right then and there. He looked around, and noted that everything, from Angels cute, snow-white fur, to the flower and plants in the garden, was glowing beautifully. It was as though he was looking into the gates of Olympia, and witnessed the chef of the gods prepare her dish from the vegetables and garden of deification. He was transfixed on this beautiful sight, when it occurred to him: he worked and lived with her.
He, Andre, worked here, and got to be a part of this system, to be a part of this beautiful, almost perfect world. It was so much all at once, that Andre's eyes became watery. He was never a crier, and just having his eyes water was a sign that he was emotionally compromised in some way. He blinked his tears away before they could come out, and approached Fluttershy, keeping the quivering in his voice away.
"Hey, Fluttershy. Sorry about that, I got lost on my way back." She turned to him with a soft smile.
"Oh, it's alright. Just, next time, tell me if you have reservations about food. I mean, if that's OK with you." Oh my God, that's adorable.
"Yeah. Thanks, Fluttershy."
"You're welcome." She went back to her gardening, and Andre could now see past the trees to the great sunset in the mountain horizon. He was filled with the same content feeling as before, knowing that this was where he belonged.
I'm gonna love it here.
It was astounding. The sunset was beautiful, with it's myriad of warm colors refracting over the horizon of the mountains. It left Adam feeling warm and fuzzy, as much as he hated to admit it to himself. He thought back to all the people who hated him, and how, for years, he drew himself up using the hatred of others, trolling them into a frustrated oblivion.
To date, it had only brought him a single consistent friend; and from that friend, he gained three more. As far as he was concerned, they were his brothers, not his friends. And now, he was starting new, in a virtually perfect world of peace, where he could be accepted, where he would be accepted, in all of his weirdness. The sunset brought beautiful understanding to his mind: he knew that this was where he was meant to be. In despite of himself, he let a single teardrop fall from his chin and off of the bridge he sat on, down all four feet into the tiny creek below.
He sighed, happy for the first time in ages, and got off of the ledge, back onto the main part of the bridge. With a loud, metallic clank, he donned his now-detachable beard. He cracked another oblivious smile.
"Yeah, I know I'm gonna love it here."
A/N
So, uh, why'd it take you guys so long to come out with this chapter?
Oh, gee, I don't know, maybe it's that I have no time between my 40 hour a week job, classes, and helping my family with Thanksgiving, and Noah left most of the writing to me since he was working on the Lucidity trilogy or whatever.
Shhhhh. Do you hear that?
Uh...no.
Listen, quiet. It's the sound of BULLCRAP. Your job takes up no more than 25 hours a week, you dropped your ONE class, and you're WAY too lazy to help your family with the trash, let alone a Thanksgiving dinrar.
Well you have so much free time it's actually quite concerning. Why didn't you do it? I mean, you had time for Lucidity and Consequences.
Because you were SO INSISTENT on writing it yourself. Besides, people LOVE that series. Notice how the first one has NO thumbs down?
Oh please, that kind of fic ALWAYS gets more attention and positive reviews, as human in Equestria fics are so overdone.
Well you're a whore.
You're a slut.
Skank.
Wench.
DUMBLEDORE!
....what?
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
What's that noise?
Tick. Tick.
I don't know, but is sure does have a catchy beat!
Tick. Tick. Tick.
Oh God. Oh God, no.
Tick.
Noah, what's going on?
IT'S A PIPE BOMB!
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!?
Tick.
Tyler, DUCK!
BLAM
Noah, what the fuck just happened?
We got upstaged by the Potter Puppet Pals.
Oh. Well then. I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Same.
Wanna go get a beer?
First off: we're both underage. Second: I'm Mormon.......
Oh yeah. Right.
*sigh*
Of Omnivores and Homosexuals
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the latest chapter of ABSENCE OF LOGIC! With a special guest appearance by Morgan Freeman!
Oh God what could she want!? Tyler asked himself. For the umpteenth fucking time. Twilight would most likely not drag Tyler away from his work unless it was important. Only four days and they've already gotten themselves into trouble. Typical humans...
He arrived shortly, and knocked on the door. Spike opened it, and welcomed him in. After a few exchanged words, Tyler entered the main room of the library, and was surprised to see the entirety of the Mane 6 there, as well as his fellow humans. They all looked at him
"What's going on?" Tyler asked. Twilight spoke first.
"Sit down, please. We all need to ask you some questions regarding humans, for study, as well as questions regarding your stay in Equestria. We all have questions we're going to ask and record, and send to Canterlot for record keeping.
"How straightforward," Noah remarked dryly.
"Yeah, I can do that." Tyler walked over and sat down next to his friends in the small room, and awaited Twilight's questions. "Go ahead." Twilight smiled and cleared her throat.
"Well right now I just want to get all the basics out of the way, where you came from, how you got here, your names and all that."
"Didn't we already go over all of that?" Noah asked
"Yes we did, but I just want to get it all down on paper," she replied.
"Why would you need to do that?" Noah asked, confused.
"Well its mostly for my own sake," she admitted, blushing a little. "You four are the first of a completely alien species. I want to get as much information as I can, and even though we went over some things during the party, we were more of sharing stories as friends then answering any real questions." Noah nodded a bit in understanding of her curiosity. And by nodded in understanding, we mean notBad.jpg.
"Now, lets start from the beginning." Once again the four recounted their story of their names, where they were from, and how they arrived in Equestria. All in all it took about two hours to recount their stories and for Twilight to write it all down.
"Okay, now that all of that's out of the way, lets move onto something more interesting. I was wondering if you four would allow me to examine your bodies?"
"Uhhhhhhhh," rang out a corrous from the humans save Adam who grew a large grin on his face.
Tyler, did you mean 'chorus'?
I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, NOAH.
*giggles like a little girl*
Twilight giggled at their nervousness. "Don't worry, its just a little nudity and examination of your-"
"Twilight," Fluttershy interrupted, "I don't think that they would, um, like that. Why don't we just leave that for, um, doctors. Unless it's OK with them of course." Twilight was, for some reason, determined to see the humans naked.
Giggity.
For scientific purposes.
Double giggity.
"But that's not-"
"Twilight, Ah have tah agree with Fluttershy. We shouldn't be pushin'em tah do somethin' they ain't comfortable with."
Twilight sighed and nodded her head. "Alright, I'm sorry, I just got a little excited over being the first to study a new species. Do you mind if I examine your hands?" Andre smiled and nodded, holding his hand out for Twilight, who began to take notes on everything from his digits right down to the individual placement of hairs. Soon she moved onto his arms, testing the joints seeing how the muscles flexed when its moved, and finally she moved to his head, starting with his ears and eyes.
"Almost done, now open your mouth please," she asked with a smile.
Andre looked over to Tyler with a nervous look. Tyler's mind raced furiously.
Oh shit, we never explained we're omnivores! I have no idea how they'd, er well they have griffins which are carnivores, but then again one was a close trusted friend, and the other was a baker going to a contest... Tyler turned to Noah again with the same nervous look as Andre, this was one of those times when he was glad he and Noah could communicate in a second language as he began talking to Noah in German.
"Dude, we are very possibly, totally fucked here."
"Look dude, just stay calm, we can work through this. We're meat eaters by nature, its not something we can help." Noah told Tyler reassuringly. Tyler always appreciated his friends ability to stay calm under pressure, as it always helped when they were stuck in tough situations.
"I know. It's just... how are a bunch of herbivores going to react to knowing they have a bunch of pradators living arou-"
"Ich spreche auch Deutsch," Twilight said with a smile on her face. Both their faces drained of color. Rainbow Dash growled and flared her wings out.
"I KNEW IT! THEY'RE SPIES!" Twilight moved between them, and stared at Rainbow with a slight frown.
"Rainbow, their speaking Germane. We've haven't had a conflict with Germaney in the entire history of Equestria. Why would they be spies?" Rainbow narrowed her eyes at the humans and pointed to her right eye with her hoof, then to them, indicating that she'd be watching them.
"So, what did they say Twilight?" Pinkie asked, now in Twilight's face. She pushed Pinkie away before responding.
"Oh nothing just idle chat. OK, let's get to the questions." She turned her head so that only the humans would see and gave them a wink with her left eye. "So who wants to go first?" She was talking to her fellow mares, apparently not wanting to go first herself. Rarity decided to go first.
"I shall. I have a few questions regarding your wardrobes, dears. Why do you wear clothes at all times?"
"Well," Tyler began, "it's just the norm where we come from. My best guess would be that after a couple thousand years of humans wearing clothing from reasons ranging between protection, ceremonial purposes, status, comfort, and religious reasons. Its just become normal, though in today's societies its mostly for, er, covering our more... private areas...”
“Oh, I see.” Rarity said with a little blush. “Why don't you tell me about the different outfits you're wearing?”
“Well, my friends are wearing clothes more suited towards just day to day wear, street clothes as some would say. Its nothing fancy and is just built for wear and tear. My clothes are basically the same with the exception of my polo and apron, those are part of my work uniform though I am allowed to wear whatever else I want with it. When I'm running a register I’d wear a pair of khakis and nicer shoes, but when I got here I had been working in produce. So I usually wear a pair of jeans and boots during those shifts so I don't ruin any of my nicer clothes.”
“I see, fascinating,” Rarity said as she scribbled notes down on a piece of paper. “What materials are human clothing usually made of?”
“Most clothing I believe is made from cotton mixed with other things, but clothing can be made from many different materials ranging from Denim, cotton, polyester-"
"Tyler," Noah interrupted, "denim is a combination of those two." Tyler turned to Noah with a blank expression.
"Well you can just gargle some .308's you little jackwagon." The humans all shared a laugh at this typical Internet/gun response. The equines simply stared in confusion. Pinkie, not one to miss out on a joke, tried to understand.
"Uh, hey guys, did I miss something? I didn't get the joke, and if I don't get the joke, then I miss out on some fun and I don't wanna-" Applejack stopped her with a hoof, saving everyone from listening to Pinkie's good-natured tirade.
"Oh, you see," Adam started, "we have these things called gu-"
"NO!" three voices all cried out. Everyone was looking at Adam, while everypony was staring at the three others, not understanding what Adam did wrong. Twilight decided to try and understand what just happened.
"What did he-"
"Nothing," Andre said. "It's just...there are things we'd rather not share with your culture yet. We need time. It's kinda sensitive." Twilight looked at Andre carefully, speaking slowly.
"Alright, I suppose that's reasonable. So, what were you saying Tyler?"
"Oh, right. Denim, cotton, polyester, silk, all kinds of stuff."
"OH, HANG ON, I NEED TO WRITE THIS DOWN!" Rarity was in glee taking down notes on a completely alien culture and its clothing, her fascination with the humans and their clothing almost matched Twilight's curiosity about their world in general. “What about your boots and belt?” Rarity asked pointing to the brown belt and boots Tyler wore. “What are they made of?”
“They're, uh... leather...”
Rarities jaw dropped and the quill fell out of her mouth, Twilight stared in shock and the others shared looks of confusion. Tyler was nearly sweating in fear and nervousness from what he just revealed to the innocent ponies. “Um, whats leather?” asked Rainbow dash.
“Uh, you see Rainbow... leather is-”
“Its dead cow's skin,” Adam blurted out before Tyler could finish.
The color drained from the four remaining ponies faces, save for pinkie whose mane deflated audibly. Tyler’s eye began twitching as he slowly turned to his insolent and ignorant friend.
“OH OH OH OH! HIS EYE IS TWITCHING! DO YOU HAVE A PINKIE-SENSE TOO!?” Pinkies mane had re-inflated at this point and it was as if she had completely forgotten what had just been revealed.
Tyler turned to Pinkie with a somewhat deviant-like emotionless smile. “Yes Pinkie, I do. My eye twitches whenever Adam's about to be hit over the head with a heavy blunt object.”
“Tyler, you know you don't have the balls to-” Adam was cut off as a wooden baseball bat broke itself over his cranium.
“Heeey, that hurt.” Adam frowned and turned to Andre holding the remains of the bat in his hands.
“Yeah well you deserved it, now be quiet and let the big boys talk.” The ponies simply stared at Andre.
“Where did you-”
“I borrowed some beard powers," he quickly replied. The ponies assumed that beard powers were like Pinkie Physics and needed no explanation, so they gave no inquiry.
“Well he's right," said Tyler. "Like we explained, we’re omnivores and cattle consists as a part of our diet. So when a cow is slaughtered we don't just waste parts, we put them to use, such as the hide which can be used to create clothing such as belts coats and shoes."
“I see,” Rarity said trying to shake of her nausea. “So do you four ever wear anything more, exquisite?”
"We do, when the situation calls for it. I mean, I don't wear a suit to go to the market."
Rarity's eyes lit up at the word suits. "Oh, so you wear suits?"
Noah interjected before Tyler could respond. "Yeah, you have no idea. I can pull off a suit like few others can, and I love wearing them." By this time Rarity was practically beaming.
“Oh my, you MUST tell me about the different types of fashion!”
“Well that might be a problem,” Adam said.
“Oh, and why's that?" she asked quizzically.
“Well you see Rarity my darling, we three aren't faggots.” Andre and Tyler facepalmed, understanding what they were about to explain.
"What's a faggot?" Fluttershy asked timidly.
"Well," Andre began, "where we come from, we have homosexuals, or people who are attracted to people of the same sex. The derogatory name for them is faggot, but we use the term with a different meaning from a subculture."
"Oh," Twilight said, "you mean like colt cuddler?" The non-bronies in the room had to keep themselves from cracking up at the term. Tyler opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by Adam.
"So, what's the name for females who like females?" he asked, holding back giggles.
"A filly fooler?" That did it. A cacophony of synchronized laughing erupted from three of the humans. The ponies did not share their enthusiasm. After their momentary laughter died down, they wiped their tears, and serious'd up.
"OK, OK," Tyler said, regaining direction, "who's next with the questions?"
"ME!" Said Rainbow Dash, landing softly in front of the humans. "OK, first off, where you guys come from, were you cool?"
"Oh," started Noah, "we were the COOLEST people ever! We had groupies and everyone wanted to hang with u-"
"We were all basically antisocial weirdos," said Adam flatly. Noah frowned at him and then turned to Rainbow.
"He's right. We really kinda stuck with one another because we're all so similar in personalities. We were in no way cool, but then again, where we come from, cool is almost never a good thing." Rainbow was simply baffled.
"What do you mean by 'not a good thing'?" Noah looked to Andre, who got the hint.
"Well, where we come from the kids our age are usually doing stupid things that are considered cool, and we don't partake in them. We also have interests and hobbies and stuff that are, like, really different from what is considered normal. But in that sense, we were also superior to most of the teenagers at our school. They are doing drugs, partying and getting drunk, and having sex with random people, and we just didn't want any part of that." The ponies were all dumbfounded. AJ stepped forward.
"Why in the hay would y'all wanna go out an' do stuff like that? It's irresponsible and downright dangerous!"
"That's exactly why we stayed away," replied Noah. "We knew that it was dangerous, and we just didn't feel like subjecting ourselves to that kind of societal pressure."
"So then if tha's what y'all consider ta be cool, then what in the hay do y'all consider ta be uncool!? Ah reckon it'd havta be even worse than all that!"
"Not really," said Adam.
"Yeah," said Andre, "they think abstinence and doing what was considered by previous generations to be morally right is uncool. It's not like the uncool stuff is worse than the cool stuff, it's just flip-flopped."
"So then why would you allow it to be that way? Why would you want to live there?" Fluttershy asked, quiet as a mouse. Three of them opened their mouths to respond, but they all closed them immediately. There was silence for a good ten seconds before a low voice came from Tyler's mouth. The top half of his face was hidden under a shadow caused by his dirty blonde hair since his head was tilted down.
"Who said we wanted to?" he replied darkly. There was a moment of silence. Noah never liked it when Tyler got all gloomy and crap, as it really killed whatever the mood was.
"OK, this isn't getting us anywhere," Twilight said, pushing her writing equipment to the side. She walked around the table she was standing behind and approached the humans directly. "If you guys don't mind, I'd like to try a faster, more direct approach." They all looked at each other, then to Tyler, since he was the brony, and he just shrugged. Noah turned to Twilight.
"Sure, I guess." Twilight gave them a warm smile.
"OK, who's first?"
"Dibs!" Noah exclaimed, raising his hand. Twilight walked towards him, and he smiled smugly at the others.
"Why would you call dibs on that?" Andre asked.
"Cuz I can, and so you can't have it first!" Noah replied. They all laughed. They knew Noah only made that joke to distract his friends from worrying. They all appreciated his care for them, but they saw through it like glass. Twilight put her forehooves on Noah's shoulders, and met his eyes. She was barely able to put her horn on his forehead, even when Noah was sitting.
"OK, now I am going to insert my consciousness into your mind, and gather information. I can't see anything you don't want me to, but I ask that you be fair in what you can or can't show me. Do you understand?"
"Yep."
"OK," Twilight said. She squinted her eyes, and her horn glowed as she pressed it into Noah's forehead. He closed his eyes, and instantly he was out cold.
Twilight opened her eyes, and she was in a small room. A cozy, but not cramped space, perfect for two people to live. She looked around, taking note of everything, including the carpet she was sitting on. She walked over next to the bed, and floated herself onto it, sitting on the neatly prepped bedsheets.
There was a closet next to what she assumed was the entrance/exit to the room. The closet opened, and out came Roger Ramjet, hero of our nation!
It wasn't Roger fucking Ramjet, it was a SPARTAN II, you asshats.
Whatever you say, Mr. Ramjet.
And out game a huge being, black and red. It was tall, easily taller than any of the humans she had seen before. It was clad in some kind of thick-looking armor, and in between the plates Twilight could see a jet-black body suit. The reflecting material over the face of the helmet scared Twilight, since she couldn't read the expression. There was a sequence on its left shoulder that read 'N618', and on its chest was an insignia of a faded skull with a gold crown on top of it. This of course made no sense to her. It turned to the door and indicated her to walk through it.
Twilight cautiously walked through the threshold. When the door closed behind her, a multitude of things passed before her eyes. She saw what was definitely a female in a bright white gown holding hands with Noah, who was wearing what was probably a human-sized tuxedo. They kissed passionately, and twilight felt an overwhelming sensation in her chest. It was a kind of love, but one she was not familiar with. It filled her to capacity, and brought tears to her eyes.
In a flash, the scene was replaced by a, and Noah was in a green uniform, but he was a lot bulkier, like he had put on several layers of fat on his chest, and he wore what looked like a helmet. She felt the dedication of a soldier, the honest to Celestia love for fellow soldiers, and something that consumed her senses - the thrill of combat. Explosions and mini-explosions made her head ring. Adrenaline kicked in, and everything went into slow motion.
Instantly, it was gone, replaced with a scene that was exactly opposite the last one; they were in a large room, and there were rows of people sitting on benched. In the front, there was a pulpit that stretched the width of the room, and it was elevated a foot or so. On the far right, she saw Noah standing in a suit, with two other humans, and they appeared to be meddling with something. She couldn't see what it was, as it was behind a white cloth that was bundled up across a table. She felt a quiet reverence, and an utterly consuming respect for her surroundings. And in the blink of an eye, it changed.
She saw that female human from the wedding earlier, with another human male. But she didn't know him, it wasn't Noah. It wasn't the same woman, either. Now it was a taller, more muscular boy with blonde hair. Wait, now it was Tyler!? Andre!? Adam!? The form kept on changing. Based on the fact that it was transforming between Noah's those three and the one human female, Twilight assumed that the personage was representing Noah's loved ones.
The other human pinned what was now a short old woman against a wall, and he pulled his arm back - then launched it forward, striking the woman full-force in the face. He pulled the appendage back for another blow, when something tackled the human. The other personage faded away almost immediately.
The unknown human was now underneath Noah - who was now yelling and beating the individual to a pulp. He pulled out a tiny piece of metal, just a bit bigger than his hand, and pointed it at the helpless shape on the ground. He reached on the top of it, and pulled part of it back. It slid forward with a loud metallic click, and Noah pointed it at the humans leg.
The form was now talking. "Hey, come on, bro. Don't do this."
"Too late," Noah said, menacingly. He flinched his finger, and the metal thing made a loud booming noise. Twilight recoiled, covering her ears with her hooves. Blood flew from the joint in the middle of the mans leg. Noah used the weapon ten more times. Every single time, a horrible, blood-curdling scream echoed from the human on the ground.
Twilight wanted so bad to scream out in disapproval, but she couldn't in spite of herself. Finally, Noah used the weapon one last time on the humans head, silencing it. The ringing silence melted into inky blackness, only resolved when the creaking of a door lit the area around Twilight. She was now in a very tiny closet. She looked behind her, and Noah was standing there, looking in. Twilight left the closet silently, now back in Noah's dorm room.
"So, how was it?" Noah asked cheerfully.
"Uh, it was...f-fine." She seemed perturbed. Noah opened his mouth to reply, but before he could speak, they were back in the Library. He blinked away the dots in his vision, and leaned back, stretching. He had no idea how long they were out, but it was probably not that long.
"How long did that take?"
"Y'all were out fer about two minutes."
"What'd ya see, Twi?" Rainbow asked excitedly. Twilight looked at her and shook her head slightly, her eyes donning a thousand yard stare.
"I'll tell you guys what I found when I'm done. Tyler, you're next." Tyler instantly thought of all the horrible things he's seen and done on the Internet, and the things that involved Twilight or her friends. What would she think if she knew about the show!?
"I-I don't that's-"
"You can hide whatever you don't want to show me." Twilight had to stand with her hind legs on Tyler's, forehooves on his shoulders in order to reach his forehead with her horn. "Are you ready?" With a deep breath, Tyler readied himself.
"Yes." With that, Twilight closed her eyes, and began the spell. Instantly, she appeared...nowhere. She looked around, but there was nothing. Endless white in every single direction. Yet, somehow, she was standing on a surface. She looked behind her and saw a gigantic door, easily twenty feet high, and eight feet wide with chains and locks going up and along the entire surface.
She took a few steps toward the door, fascinated by it's immense size. A loud, high pitched noise scared her to death, as it was previously dead silent. She looked down and saw a very small furry creature, whose tail was under her hoof. She lifted it immediately.
"Oh- I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there!" The creature stood up on its hind legs and massaged its tail. After a few seconds it looked up at Twilight. It was only a few inches tall, but it had a very loud, if squeaky, voice.
"Watch where you're friggin' walking!"
"I'm sorry, I really didn't mean it." She bent down as she said this, trying to get a closer look at the creatures face. Upon inspection, it appeared that the creature was like a wolf, but with more bipedal-like features, and wore a yellow band high on its upper right arm. "So, uh, what exactly are you?"
"A guinea pig. I'm a friggin' werewolf ya dolt!" Twilight recoiled, furrowing her brow at the insult.
"Okay, jeez. Sorry, I've never ween a werewolf before. So, where are we?"
"You serious?" The impatient werewolf leaned on one leg, and put its hands on its sides, cocking its head slightly to the left. If Twilight had to guess, this was most likely a gesture of annoyance. "We're in Tyler's head. You performed the spell for Gods sake!" OK, Twilight, just take a deep breath and deal with it. You can leave soon, she thought.
"OK," she said, forcing a smile, "so what exactly is that door over there?" she asked, pointing with her hoof. The werewolf turned its head to the door, then looked back at Twilight with a bored expression.
"I don't really know, but if I had to venture a guess, it's probably all that shit Tyler don't want you to see. You should try opening the door." Twilight mulled this over for a second, deciding that if any part of Tyler's subconscious suggested for her to open it, then he must actually want her to see it, regardless of whether he initially blocked it off.
"Alright." With that, Twilight headed over to the door. She identified 27 locks on the entire door, all of which now had purple glows around them. With slight concentration, Twilight opened every single one and removed them from around the chains. She dropped them carefully to either side of her, and began work on the chains. The last one fell to the ground with a quiet thud. Twilight magicked the rather large knob, causing it to turn. There was a booming click, and the door began to open.
"GET OUT," a thundering voice called out. The force of the voice caused Twilight to recoil, covering her ears with her hooves; they were ringing painfully. She cracked her eyes open just in time to catch sight of every single chain and lock replaced itself around the door.
Twlight looked behind her, and saw that the minuscule werewolf was on the ground, clutching his sides and laughing hysterically. Twilight got to her feet, facing him. She huffed angrily.
"What's so funny!?"
"You freakin' fell for it! He obviously didn't want you in there! Did you think he secretly wanted you to see it?" This made Twilight turn a little redder in the face.
"N-no. I just-"
"What? You thought you would want to see the kinda shit he's got buried back there? BAHAHAHAHAHA!" He fell backwards in another fit of laughter. After a few moments he regained his composure and stood, wiping away the tears from his mouth, grinning and bearing his tiny, but very sharp teeth. "Seriously, though. Why would you want to see what's behind the door? I mean, he's a human! If he was hidin' it, it's obviously pretty racy." Twilight mulled his words over. Even if he was an annoying little twerp, he still made sense.
"So, if he is hiding basically everything, then why would he let me in in the first place?" she asked. Her furry friend stared at her with a slightly furrowed brow, indicating he was indeed annoyed. He extended his arm out to point at the door, palm up, as if he was presenting something to her.
"Locked door representing entirety of the inner workings of the dude's mind." He used his other hand to gesture to himself. "Tiny werewolf in an infinite white void outside said mind. Do I LOOK like I know what the fuck's going on in there?" Twilight recoiled slightly from his cruel sarcasm and harsh language. She was about to give a half-assed reply when she heard what sounded like very soft footsteps coming from the door.
She turned to the door just in time to see another miniature werewolf, identical to the one she was talking to, walk from behind the door frame. He yawned deeply and scratched his back in a way that would make people who hate cliches foam at the mouth, stopping only when he noticed Twilight and the other wolf. He suddenly got very angry and yelled out at his furry friend.
"Dammit, Sting, how many times have I told you to stop impersonating me!?" Sting ? Twilight looked over to Sting, who was no longer a werewolf. Instead she now saw a ninja-like figure, just as big, with a black mask. The mask had two distinct shapes, one on each side where the eyes would be, but they were odd shapes, like angular sickles, and they were reflected on either side of his face.
He made rapid motions with his hands, obviously a form of silent communication. Twilight wouldn't have understood what he was saying if it hadn't been for the captions. "Hahaha, whatcha gon' do 'bout it, faggot? There's that word again . This apparently pissed off the werewolf, as he rushed Sting with his claws raised. He was surprisingly fast for such a small creature.
He hacked and slashed at Sting repeatedly, and Sting just kept dodging his swipes, laughing silently as he did so. After a few moments of...."fighting", Sting jumped over his friend, and threw a tiny pellet onto the ground. A large cloud of smoke exploded from the point of impact, and they were engulfed. Within a moment, however, the smoke was gone, and so was Sting.
"Sorry about that." Twilight looked over the the werewolf. "Anyway, I'm Tiny. Nice to meet you."
"Uh, yeah. Nice to meet you, too. So, can you tell me anything about the door?" Twilight asked. She didn't expect him to be able to help, but, you never know, right?
"All I know is that it's pretty bad," he said with a nervous smile. "I can tell you some things about Tyler, though." Twilight perked up at this idea.
"OK, that's pretty good."
"Yeah, I guess. All I can really tell you though is his education. That's basically the only thing he let me have." Twilight's ears fell, and her face showed disappointment.
"OK, sure. Talk to me."
And so Tiny and Twilight talked for awhile about Tyler's education and knowledge. Twilight was grossly disappointed in Tyler's understanding of science and mathematics, and his writing skills were apparently poor.
Which is why I'm the one who does most of the writing.
Noah.
Yeah?
Shut the hell up.
"You know, I always thought that werewolves were all evil and nasty and mean." Twilight said.
"Yeah, most of us are, but there are also plenty of good ones." Twilight gave him a warm smile.
"Oh I'm sure. I hope there are more like you, because you are just the cutest little thing I have ever seen!" She looked down at Tiny, and noticed his face was weird: he was staring straight ahead, his eyes were all white, his tiny brow was furrowed, and he was baring his teeth. "Um, are you OK, Tiny?"
"I'M. NOT. CUTE!" he squeaked. Twilight chuckled despite herself.
"Oh wow! That's just adorable!" she remarked, patting him gently on the head. Tiny's claws instantly emerged from his fingertips with a metallic shlink! "I bet a cute little thing like you isn't even capable of malicious thought!" I swear to God I'll cut out your throat and eat it psycho bitch. "Well, better be going then!" Tiny's anger was momentarily forgotten as he remembered something.
"Wait!" he called. Twilight stopped and looked back.
"Yes?"
"There was...something else." Twilight was concerned by the tone in his voice. He sounded like there was indeed something to be worried about.
"And that would be...?"
"Well, it's just...Tyler is kinda...dark inside. I'd be careful." Twilight thought about this for a few seconds before putting on her usual warm smile.
"Thanks a lot, Tiny!"
With that, Twilight ceased her spell, causing her surroundings to evaporate. When she was back in her Library, she looked around, trying to regain her bearings. Being in there for so long (according to her own mental clock) had messed with her mind. In reality, it was only five minutes. She turned to Andre.
"OK, let's do this."
"Go easy, it's my first time." Twilight cocked her head in confusion. She clearly didn't get the reference, so Andre just muttered 'nevermind' and let her continue. Twilight placed her horn on his forehead, and they were off. Twilight opened her eyes, and she was sitting in a white room, and there was a white, bulb-like object in front of her. She could see legs on the other side, and so she supposed that there was something sitting in the object. Slowly, it began to turn.
When it had finally turned all the way, Twilight saw a man sitting in the chair. He was wearing a suit, and one of his legs was crossed over the other. His hands were together, and his digits -fingers? Yes, fingers- were interlocked, and they were in front of his mouth, which was smiling knowingly. He had excellent white hair and white beard, which was black at the tips. He had spots on his face as if someone took a spoon, dipped it into chocolate sauce, and then flecked them on his face.
Noah, what the hell am I reading? This sounds like the opening to an admittedly interesting porno.
Dude. This is Morgan Freeman we're talking about. You know you're loving it.
I never said I wasn't enjoying it, it's just unusual. Please, continue.
They stared at each other for a few seconds before the man lowered his hands to his lap and addressed Twilight. His voice was smooth like silk, but deep and rugged. Twilight had never encountered such a calming voice before. She felt at ease as he spoke, as if she was perfectly safe.
"Good evening, Miss Sparkle." Oh, now this is interesting .
"Good evening, sir. You know my name, so what is yours?" He tilted his head ever so slightly to the right.
"I have any names, ranging from 'Django' to 'God'." Twilight would have been annoyed by his response, but his voice was so calming, so nice. Enveloping .
"So, what would you have me call you, then?" He looked up in thoughtful consideration, then returned his gaze to Twilight.
"'Sir' is just fine, thank you."
"OK then, sir. What can you tell me about Andre's mind?"
"Anything, basically. He has trusted me with judging what is and is not appropriate to share. But I can quickly and easily share with you the extent of his education, since that what you got from Tyler." Twilight flinched, shocked that anyone would be able to access that kind of information without her knowing. Or shew would have if the mans voice didn't practically entrance her.
"How do you know about that?"
"I told you, one of my names is 'God'. In this realm, I can know whatever I choose from the wealth of information of any consciousness that is present. Both yours and Andre's are mine for reviewing as I please." His smile got just a tad wider as he said this, and so did Twilight's.
"OK, then, Mr. Sir, how would that work?" she asked, blushing just a bit. The man leaned forward just a bit, placing his hands neatly on his lap.
"Like this." His raised his right hand and snapped loudly. In an instant, Twilight felt an almost alien intrusion into her brain. Initially she fought it off mentally.
"You need not struggle, you have nothing to fear. As an embodiment of Andre's mind, I still maintain respect for those around me." He chuckled a bit, and Twilight's defenses melted. Oh my Celestia, this man could tell me my friends had been murdered with a chainsaw and I'd be just fine .
She let him insert a massive amount of data directly into her mind. Apparently Andre was proficient at just about everything to which he showed interest. The other things mostly involved activities he never put effort into, and so he was consequently lacking. As suddenly as it happened, the alien feeling went away, and it was just those two, again.
"Satisfactory?" the man asked.
"Yes," Twilight said absentmindedly as she reviewed the new information.
"I also took the liberty of inserting our written language, basic American politics, and general human interaction. I have held much back in the interest of diplomacy, but what I have given you should be sufficient."
"I think this will do. Thank you, sir." A warm smile from both man and mare.
"If that is all, then I'll send you on your way." He raised his left hand in a loosely balled fist. He flicked it upward, at the same time extending his fingers, as if he was waving someone away. Twilight felt a familiar sensation and was thrown out of Andres consciousness. She was surprised, so much so that she actually fell over backward onto the hard wooden floor.
"You OK, sugarcube?" Twilight rolled onto her side, a hoof rubbing her back.
"Yeah, I'm fine. It was incredibly weird, though."
"What do you mean, darling?"
"I'm not really sure how, but the representation of Andre's subconscious was able to see into both mine and Andres minds to the extent that he could somehow initiate a direct mind-to-mind mental transfer via-"
"English, deary." Twilight gave an annoyed sigh.
"His subconscious gave me a bunch of information without actually communicating. Then he was able to manually de-link our minds, even though I was the one who cast the spell."
"See, isn't that far easier?"
"So does that mean he's like, super smart?" asked Tyler.
"Well, he is, but that's not why he was able to. Quite frankly, Andre and Noah are two of the most mentally capable people I have ever met in my entire life, but that's irrelevant." Noah and Andre high-fived each other without looking.
"Andre," Noah whispered.
"Yeah?"
"That was epic."
"Yep."
By the time they had returned their attention to the rest of the group, an unusually large and very boring segment of dialogue had occurred that no one in existence remembers, and therefore it cannot be written down. Twilight was getting ready to go into Adams mind now.
Her horn lit up as it pressed into Adams forehead, and then both their bodies went stiff. After fifteen seconds, Twilight's eyes shot open and she jumped away from Adam.
"EwewewewewewewewewEEEEEEWWWWWWW!" Tyler grabbed Adam by the collar of his shirt and pulled him in close.
"What did you show her!?"
"I don't know," replied Adam with a cordial, shit-eating smile.
"IT WAS A BUNCH OF DOLPHINS HAVING SEX!" Twilight shouted from the ground. She was laying on her side, curled up with her forelegs covering her head, as though she was being beaten. The rest of the ponies, and humans for that matter, looked at Adam with varying levels of confusion and disgust.
Noah walked over to Twilight and hugged her, trying to offer some help. Noah was on the Internet a lot, and knew all about the principal of that which cannot be unseen, so he knew she really needed some support.
"Now why in the hay would yer internal concho-whatever be a buncha dolphins doin', uh, that?" They all looked back at Adam for a response. He smiled smugly at them all.
"It's magic. I ain't gotta explain shit." With that, he walked over to the door and walked out, leaving every equine in the room confused and disturbed. The humans, however, were barely phased.
The other five ponies went home after awhile to tend to their duties and lives. After a few hours of discussing what Andre meant when he said "It's just Adam being Adam," Twilight was recuperated enough to think straight. She called the humans together, and somehow that included Adam, who was not supposed to be in the Library.
This is why we can't have nice things, Adam.
Well, you can't have nice things. I can have almost whatever the fuck I want. BEARD POWERS!
"OK, so, after viewing your minds, I have decided that, in order to properly integrate with Equestrian society, you four need to go to Equestion Basic School." This news elicited a few groans and one instance of "broccoli!" from the four humans. "I don't wanna hear it," Twilight said, raising her voice a little. "That is a final decision. Starting Monday, you four will join Rarity's sister in Ms. Cheerilee's class. Understood?"
"Yes, ma'am," the all disappointingly replied.
"Good. Now if you would all leave, I need to finish up my chores for the day." The humans respected her wish, and quickly departed. Twilight smiled satisfactorily at her actions. She was helping these four lost souls fit in with Equestrian civilization, just as Princess Celestia would want her to.
Yep. That's some good work, Twilight.
AUTHORS NOTE:
Hello, everyone. My name is Morgan Freeman, and I played the part of Andre's inner consciousness. What you read was very interesting indeed. A few things were creepy. Some were depressing, and others were downright hilarious. Now, some of you are wondering how I was able to access Twilight's mind, stop her spell, and transfer pure, raw knowledge between two consciousnesses that are wired in completely different ways. Well, the answer is both complicated and very simple at the same time.
You see, ten billion years ago, when the universe was still relatively young, our solar system began to form. Eventually, it swirled together, pulled by gravity into a molten mass whose exterior eventually hardened into the ten thousand meter thick crust we know today. Fast forward a few billion years, and there was a born a healthy little black baby. And that baby did whatever the fuck he wanted, because he was Morgan Freeman. The end.
The weekend passed quickly for the young heroes, and the dreaded Monday finally came. Twilight took the liberty of informing the Princess of what they were doing, and was surprised to receive bits to pay for the needed school materials, though Rarity made custom saddle bags for them seeing as a normal saddle bag wouldn't fit a human. The end result was a simple brown leather satchel.
Though they dreaded the thought of going to school, they all (eventually) conceded that it was for the best. They were not children, they were all adults, and were capable of understanding that they might be there for a long time, and if that were the case then they'd have to learn the history and receive a proper Equestrian education to become fully functioning members of that society.
They all walked up to the front door and piled into the tiny classroom with a couple dozen other Foals. It was a lovely little room, indeed. As a matter of fact, it was just so absolutely lovely and little that Tyler scraped his head on the ceiling as he walked in. In a lovely way.
As soon as they walked in, the atmosphere changed drastically, as they knew it would. All of the little fillies and colts stopped talking and gaped at them. Except for the CMC, who waved at them with giddy smiles. Ms. Cheerilee, who was reading the paper, looked up when she noticed the sudden quiet, and looked at the humans. She stood up from her desk and walked up to the four humans, giving each one of them a quick hug, which brought a confused look from the four boys, which they quickly shrugged off as normal pony behavior.
"I'm so glad to meet you four! It's always wonderful when I receive new students and I was so excited when I heard it would be you four joining my class." Cheerlie stepped away from the three humans and turned to address the rest of the class. "We have three new students coming in today, class. They are not ponies like we are, but instead they're what are called 'hoomans.'" She turned to her new students again. "Now we'll go around the room one by one and give our names, our favorite activity, our hobbies and/or special talent. Starting with you three."
Noah and Andre, in an impressive coordinated movement of dickery, pushed Tyler forward by the shoulders. He stumbled forward, regaining his balance in the middle of the front of the classroom. Noah and Andre gave a subtle fist bump as they watched Tyler start to freak.
"Uh, my name is Tyler, and I am a human, and I like to...to....uh..." SHIT! Why do my interests only include things that don't exist here!? "Harmonica. I love playing harmonica." They all went 'ooh' and 'ahhh' at this.
"Well maybe you can play a song for us sometime," Ms. Cheerilee suggested.
"Oh, sorry, I don't have my harmo-" Tyler was interrupted by something hard but light striking the side of his head. He looked down and saw his lucky harmonica at his feet. He looked over to Noah and Andre, who were both wearing smiles that said 'Do it, faggot!'
Tyler picked it up and stared at it in his hands; the class waited quietly. He looked over at his friends, giving them a subtle I-will-strangle-you-with-each-others-intestines look. He looked back to his harmonica and placed his lips to it, and drew in a breath. The harmonica screeched a bit, but when he began to play, the tune came together harmonically.
'Harmonically'?
Yes, that's how the tune came together.
On the harmonica.
Yes.
You mean to tell me that there was not a SINGLE other word you could have used to describe the melody?
Well, what would you suggest?
Perhaps melodious?
'The melody was melodious.' I can't write that, Andre, get your crap together.
But it's fine to write that the tune for the harmonica came together harmonically?
YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN A DAMN THING SINCE CHAPTER TWO, YOU DON'T GET AN OPINION
Thought so.
The humans recognized the tune as that of Nearer My God To Thee , Tyler's first and favorite song he learned to play on a harmonica, and one which he had spent hours practicing over and over again. Tyler always enjoyed old church hymns and christian music, even though he wasn't religious. In fact he was agnostic when it came to his beliefs. Old Hymns and christian music were just comforting to him in a non-religious way he couldn't explain, and he enjoyed it just as much as any other type of music.
A little insecure in our beliefs are we?
Shut up, I am not.
Come on Tyler, Jesus loves you.
Shut up Noah.
The ponies, however, had never heard such a tune. In the interest of making sure it sounded right, Tyler played it slowly. To Noah, the sound was magnificent, as he had always grown up with hymns like this in his life, being the good little Mormon Jew-berry that he is. The ponies had a similar view.
Ms. Cheerilee was in awe by the time Tyler was playing the chorus notes. Her mouth was slightly agape and she simply stared. A few of the children, including the CMC, were rocking themselves slowly back and forth to the tune, and they were all smiling contently, as if being sung a lullaby. Tyler was very surprised at how the tune's intensity was seemingly amplified relative to the last time he played it. Tyler thought about this and came to the conclusion that it must be like how Adam can do Pinkie Physics and how the environment appears bright and colorful.
In his absentmindedness, Tyler inhaled on one of the holes when he should have exhaled, and the entire tune was lost. He fumbled, trying to regain his place, but as any harmonica player knows, once you stop it's almost impossible to get back to where you were. The result was a version of Nearer My God To Thee that sounded like a harmonica version of the 20th Century Fox flute edition . It was a glorious failure, and Tyler quickly stopped playing. He could hear Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon in the back trying to contain their laughter. With a red face, Tyler walked back to stand among his fellow humans. Ms. Cheerilee was aware of how Tyler felt, and decided to move along to take the attention off of Tyler.
"OK, next student! How about you, with the black saddlebag?" It took Noah a second to catch that she was referring to his backpack.
"Oh, OK." Noah walked to where Tyler was standing before and face the class. As little as he cared for My Little Pony, he could hardly contain his d'awww when he looked at the classroom full of adorable foals. "Hello, I'm Noah. I am interested in programming. Don't worry about what that means, it'd take literally hours to explain it properly to a scientist, let alone children. My hobbies include vide- uh, I mean, playing games and listening to music. My special talent would be...huh. I actually have no idea what my special talent would be. I'm not particularly good at anything. Maybe leading, I don't know."
It was true; Noah was a good leader. In some cases, he could be a fantastic leader. When he was assigned to talk about something, he wrote his plan/speech on a paper and practiced it many times. Then, when he was actually speaking, he combined his writing with charismatic display and light comedy to command his audience. He could also lead a group just as effectively. Well, most of the time.
Well we definitely know who wrote THAT paragraph.
"Well, I certainly hope you're good at working with others!" Ms. Cheerilee said with a smile. "We don't really have leaders when we split into groups for projects or anything like that."
"That's OK, I'll just deal," Noah replied with a forced smile. With that, he walked back next to Tyler. Andre stepped forward without his name being called and got the class' attention.
"OK, my name is Andre, and my favorite activity is reading. Uhm, let's see, I don't think I have any special talents. I mean, I read really fast, but I don't think that that counts."
"OF COURSE IT DOES!" Andre turned to Ms. Cheerilee, slightly surprised. "Andre, do not ever let anypony tell you that your special talent isn't special, because you are special in your own way and NO PONY can ever take that from you." She was frowning slightly, as if she was a coach giving some advice to a player to cheer him up. Andre was caught slightly off guard.
"Uh, OK."
"I'm serious," she said, walking around her desk to Andre, meeting his eyes the entire way. "The very idea of somepony implying that your talent is useless it the epitome of meanness! There is no greater lie than that of somepony not being special!" Now she had turned and addressed the entire class. She went on a tirade for a good hour before finally calming down, and by that time the humans had just sat down in front of the door waiting for her to finish. The class was profusely bored, but she took no note.
"Oh, sorry for taking so long. You," she said, pointing a hoof to Adam. "We still haven't introduced you yet. Why don't you do that?" With a smile, Adam got in front of the class.
"Hi, I'm Adam, my favorite activity is fap-"
"SHUT UP!" his friends yelled. Everyone in the classroom, including the teacher, looked between the humans with confusion. Adam just laughed stupidly.
"Ok ok ok, my favorite activity is Star Wars: The Old Republic. Don't ask, it's a game you guys don't have here. My hobbies include gaming and being disgusting. My special talent would be disobeying the laws of physics."
He then proceeded to pull out a hacksaw from the midst of his inch and a half long beard and inserted it into Noah's-
Giggity
-backpack which he somehow procured. He waddled over to Noah and handed him his backpack and sat back down. Ms. Cheerilee blinked a couple of times trying to figure out what in Celestia's name she just saw, then remembered that they were far behind schedule.
"Oh my, it appears we are a bit behind scheduled students, so if you four would find a seat we ca..." She stopped when she realized that there was no way these four humans would fit in the seats. "Actually, for the time being you four can sit in the back against the wall, I'm afraid you're a bit too big for our desks." The four shrugged and walked to the back of the class, Andre and Adam sitting down against the wall while Noah and Tyler stood against it because they were both more comfortable when they were standing.
"Okay class, today we will be starting the day with a journal entry. You are to write about a fun time you spent with your family." The foals in the room pulled out their note books and began scribbling various things down from a time they went to a park, or a birthday party they attended or some other little kid stuff.
Andre rolled his eyes, the memories of doing this crap in grade school flooding back to him, as he couldn't see any real reason for him and his friends to be here. Tyler and Noah had similar reservations, but they were not one to question authority, so they took it like little bitches.
The time passed slowly for the four humans as they quickly wrote a few BS'd lines in their journals, eventually just whispering among themselves until Ms. Cheerilee shushed them, as she was about to begin the days history lecture. She stood in front of the class, a picture of the Equestrian flag on the chalk board. She quickly went over some of the flags meaning and history for her students and the beginning of Equestria's government. Noah and Tyler were diligently taking notes, finding this simple grade school lesson on another countries history fascinating. Andre sat there staring out the Window, showing no interest in learning whatsoever, and Adam was sitting in a human-sized chair in front of Diamond Tiara, with eyeballs painted over his eyelids, snoring softly. His peers wondered where the chair had come from, but couldn't figure it out, but they also hadn't the courage to wake the sleeping giant and ask.
The rest of the class seemed to share the same enthusiasm as Andre and Adam, and at first Ms. Cheerilee didn't notice, but a vacuum of attention is hard to ignore. After a few minutes, she caught on, and felt the need to make lesson more exciting. The first class with my new students shouldn't be boring! After a moments thought, an idea hit her. This is a wondrous opportunity for my students to learn of another species' culture and history first hand ! She smiled widely and set her chalk down, barely containing her excitement.
"You're all right, this is boring. I have a new idea for a lesson plan." The students looked up, interested in an escape from this boring lesson. "If our new students feel up to it, maybe they could share a bit of their history with us!"
The four looked between each other and shrugged; Noah and Tyler were probably the more knowledgeable when it came to history, Tyler's knowledge pertaining largely to war and military, and Noah to government and economy, while both sharing a reasonable amount on the foundation. Noah spoke up at the challenge.
"Yeah, sure, why not? Tyler and I know our history well enough." Tyler and Noah approached the chalkboard and picked up a few pieces of colored chalk, Tyler began drawing an american flag on the board, figuring it was as good a place as any to start.
"We come from a country called the United States of America, and this is our current flag, sometimes referred to as 'Old Glory'. The thirteen stripes represent the thirteen original colonies our nation formed from, and each star represents a state within our union, which currently numbers fifty. We four live in the state of 'Virginia'. Our nation is a constitutional republic split up by a two party system and consisting of three branches of government, the executive, judicial, and legislative branches. Our nations current Motto is 'In God we trust', though a more traditional motto is 'E Pluribus Unum ' which is 'Out of many, one' in an ancient language called Latin. It's meant to symbolize unity." Most of the foals were fairly attentive throughout his quick little spiel, and when he was done, Noah took over.
"So we lived in America, and we were the best in almost every regard. Now that sounds like it's just talk, but it's true. No one ever doubted that we had the strongest military, that's just a fact. We also had the best healthcare in the world. Our quality of medical care was so high that people would come to America from other countries just to get it." Now almost all of the class was listening intently.
"We also had the biggest economic influence in the world. If America's economy was crappy, then most of the world would soon follow. Unfortunately, our country, while I love it, is filled with morons who put bad people in charge, and it has been devastating to us. We won't be the best for much longer, but for awhile things were pretty fantastic."
"So, yeah, that's most of the basics of our country. We don't really have a specific culture per se, but like a bunch of cultures have added to and blended into the American 'culture'."
"If all that's true, then how come we've never even HEARD of the United State of America?" Diamond Tiara asked. Her voice dripped of sarcasm, and her cohort laughed quietly as Diamond smiled smugly, believing herself to somehow have gained a minor victory of some kind.
After her remark was silence for a few seconds. Tyler opened his mouth to answer, but he was cut off by a loud screech. Adam's eyes shot open and he suddenly two feet off the ground, and held it for just long enough to shout "LUNCH TIME!" before blazing out of the classroom like a rocket. The foals quickly rose from their seats to follow their oversize classmate, shuffling past the three others. Last out, but before the humans, were Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. They stopped in front of their large classmates. Oh no , Tyler thought.
"Hey! Down here!" They all looked down at the two fillies before them. "Listen up. I'm Diamond Tiara and she's Silver Spoon. We're the best ponies in this classroom, and we're in charge. Got it?" Noah, Andre and Adam looked at each other for a moment before erupting in thundering, cacophonous laughter. Adam came back with a mouthful of cafeteria food already jammed in his hamster-like jaw.
"Oh that's rich!" Noah said, wiping away tears. Diamond Tiara's face contorted with anger at being disrespected.
"Hey! Don't laugh at me!" she squeaked.
"Then don't act like such cu-"
"ADAM!" they all shouted. Adam rolled his four eyes and sighed.
"Oh yeah," Silver Spoon said. "By the way, if you think we're stupid enough to believe any of the garbage you told us about your stupid little country, then you're sadly mistaken. Best military in the world? Please, I bet you're soldiers are a bunch of wimps."
Oh. Shit.
It's a good thing that Adam had beard powers. His beard grew three tendrils which latched onto his friends' mouths just before they spewed a volley of curses and insults at Silver Spoon in an attempt to verbally, in the vernacular, 'fuck the bitch up'. One thing you never do in front of those three men is insult the troops. They will have your ass on their fireplace. Unless, you know, beard powers. The two fillies instantly took the hint and ran off, not before sticking their tongues out at the four humans. Once they were safely out of sight Adam let his friends go.
"Geez and I thought it was me who needed to watch the language." Adams friends grumbled a few unkind things before turning and heading towards the cafeteria. It wasn't very big, not to the humans at least, but then it didn't need to be in a school with less then a hundred students. They noticed a table at the back, a few tables away from the rest of their peers, and bee-lined straight for it. They sat down, talking about how they remembered doing that exact same thing when they were in Middle School. They all nostalgia'd all over the place. Until Ms. Cheerilee walked over.
"Excuse me, boys. I couldn't help but notice that you four aren't eating anything. Did you bring lunches?" The humans looked at each other before turning back to Ms. Cheerilee and shaking their heads. Ms. Cheerilee's eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. "What!? What do you mean you boys don't have lunch!? Oh my, I have to get you four something to eat right awa-"
"No," Tyler interrupted, "we're fine, really. We're all used to not eating lunch."
"Yeah," said Andre, and Noah chimed in with with a 'yep'. Adam rubbed his large gut with both hands and softly cried, but no one saw this. Ms. Cheerilee tilted her head in confusion, as is becoming increasingly common in this story, and kept her mouth open slightly.
"What? But, you four are so big, you must need a lot of food to keep you satisfied. How can you skip a meal and be fine?"
"Because we eat enough already," Noah replied. "Really, ma'am, it's not a big deal. But we're very impressed that you care." He gave her an "any-adult-who-doesn't-know-me-will-do-whatever-I-want-if-I-give-this-type-of" smile at her and said, in an overly innocent voice, "You don't need to worry we'll be just fine." Ms. Cheerilee still looked concerned, but then (probably) forced a smile.
"Well, alright. If you need anything, let me know."
"Will do, Madam Fruit Punch," Adam said as his teacher walked away. They all turned back to face each other, and Noah started off the conversation with "Like a friggin' charm." They laughed heartily at his joke, and continued talking and sharing stories from their younger years.
They all talked and laughed and joked almost all the time nowadays. With no computers to speak of, no Internet, or anything of the sort, they had to resort to the old styles of hanging out with friends. And what's more, they found that they missed it dearly . At one point in time they all saw each other every school day and talked and laughed and hung out. However, the following two years were not so kind. Matter of fact, they missed it so much that it seemed like that was all they wanted to do when they were with each other.
All was good for about twenty minutes. Ms. Cheerilee asked that the students start cleaning up before they went out to recess. Five or eight foals dumped their food in a trash can right next to the humans table, and the foals gave the humans interested glances before turning and heading towards the door. The four humans didn't do anything since they didn't eat, but just sat in silence, since their conversation was now lost to them due to their bad short-term memory, Andre because he smoked weed all the time, and the other three because reasons.
Is it because I'm black?
Yes and no.
Yes AND no? Explain.
It's partly because you're black, and also partly because we can.
Because you can.
Yep.
If that's an issue take it up with the beard powers.
What? Why the beard powers?
It got promoted to Head Executive Producer and got the property rights. It's also biased because it saw an African with a beard that was bigger than it.
The foals cleaned up their plates and filed in front of the door to leave, but the humans just stayed seated, hoping that they could just stay inside as they were all used to doing back home. They were about to restart their conversation when Ms. Cheerilee called them out shortly before exiting herself. The three non-fat humans complied in silence, while the largest of them stayed behind.
Adam noticed that Diamond Tiara was staying behind as well. They eyed each other with mild discontent. Diamond Tiara walked over, not breaking her stare. She stopped about two feet from Adams seat, jumped onto the one next to him and put her hooves on the table, holding herself up high in a feeble attempt at looking more impressive. She met Adams gaze with intensity now.
"Listen up you fat lard." She was slightly unnerved by Adams bearing; usually people recoiled in shock at such an insult. "I'M the top foal around here. I know you might have some degree of control over your little clique or whatever, but when it comes to the social scene, I control the school. Got it?"
The words were barely out of her mouth before Adams beard once again extending tendrils in every direction like a glorious, Fuzzie Slenderman, only this time the tendrils ended in six-inch-long spikes. Immediately they darted into the trashcan, turning it over and spilling out milk cartons and half-eaten food. When the food was on the floor, the tendrils impaled the food, and began pulsing as they transported moisture and nutrients back into Adams body.
Diamond Tiara looked on in horror and disgust as the leftovers were consumed, leaving nothing but pale brown mush. After twelve seconds, all the trashed foods were gone, and the tendrils sneaked back into place on Adams face as a four inch long beard, an inch and a half longer than it was beforehand.
"What were you saying?" Diamond Tiara said nothing for a moment, but ran out of the lunchroom screaming. Adam smiled smugly and pet his beard, which purred in delighted response.
The three other humans piled into the courtyard with their tiny snack-sized classmates, instantly noting the incredible amount of fuck-all to do. They sat down in a shady spot behind the schoolhouse, wanting to get away from the children. They all decided to just sit and talk before going to class. That is, until Noah heard something.
He looked over to his right, and noticed a young colt crying softly while a small orange filly put a fore leg over his drooping neck, probably trying to console him. Noah gave an annoyed sigh. The crap I put up with . He silently rose, and began walking over to the two foals. If Noah had one true, real weakness, it was kids. He couldn't stand seeing them hurt, crying, or otherwise in distress, and everyone back home knew it.
They didn't see him coming, as he was walking behind them. They didn't know he was there until he was standing right behind them. The orange filly, actually a pegasus, as Noah found out upon getting closer, turned first. Noah recognized her as Scootaloo, one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. She looked at Noah with a cocked head.
"Hey, Noah. What do you need?" Noah looked at her with a serious expression. He said nothing, electing to ignore her question for the time being. Instead he walked around in front of the colt who was crying. The foal had a deep navy blue coat, with a lighter sky blue mane. He sat on his haunches, head hung in sorrow. Noah took a knee in front of the poor child, running his hand through the colts mane.
"Hey, there. My name's Noah, in case you don't remember," he said softly. "What's your name?" The colt sniffled loudly and looked up. His eyes, a pale yellow, were large and watery, and tears had darkened his already solid coat. He had a half-inch thick scar running vertically over his right eye, onto his eyelid; it expanded an inch in both directions over the eye socket, as if he had closed the eye and held it against a white-hot brand for a few seconds.
"Navy Blue," he said, hiccuping the last syllable. Noah gave him a warm smile.
"Hello, Navy. Why are you crying?" Navy put his head down again and sobbed once.
"Lickety Split called him out about his scar," Scootaloo said. Noah smiled at them both.
"Oh, is that all? Come on, that's-"
"Not really. Do you know how Navy got his scar?" Noah shook his head. "His parents died in a fire a few years ago, and that scar is where a burning piece of wood dropped on him. It's the only thing he has to remember his parents, and Lickety called it ugly and that his adoptive parents don't love him because of it." Now Scootaloo's eyes were watery as well. Though she didn't cry, her voice was no longer even. Noah's expression hardened, and he stood up straight.
"Where is he?" His expression, to the young strangers, was unreadable - blank even. But his friends would have known better had they seen his expression; Noah was about to slap a bitch. Scootaloo looked up at him for a moment before pointing over to her right. Noah looked and, about 75 yards away, a couple of foals were sitting next to a small collection of trees. Noah turned and immediately began walking.
His gait was determined and he was standing tall, and even from behind, Scootaloo couldn't help but be impressed as the size of a human. She watched for just a moment longer before looking back to Noah's friends, now engaged in conversation underneath a few trees. She turned back to where Noah was heading when she realized that she wanted to watch whatever it was he was about to do. She stood and used her hoof to motion her friend to stand and follow her. Navy resisted, wanting to sit and wallow. Well, Scootaloo wasn't having any of that in her presence.
"Get up! Come on, don't you wanna be there when Noah tells them off?" Navy's face went thoughtful for a moment and, though he was still sniffing softly, he gave in to Scootaloo's suggestion.
There were three colts in total, one of them slightly, though noticeably, larger. His cutie mark was a boom mic. Noah approached quickly, and they noticed him almost immediately.They stopped talking and looked over to him, seeming interested until they noticed Scootaloo and Navy walking behind him, at which point their expressions went sour. One of the smaller colts spoke first.
"Yo, what you want, bro?" He had a jet black coat and mane with bright green eyes. His mane was cropped short, as was his tail. Noah stared him down, and the colt stayed silent. The larger of the three didn't like that.
"Eh, you tryna start something? Name's Lickety Split," Noah's eyes darted to him as soon as he said the name, "and this is my crew." He gestured to the colts next to him. The other colt was a dull green with a darker green for a mane. In contrast to the others, his mane was long and shaggy, covering his eyes. Lickety was about two inches taller than both, and had a bright red mane with a purple mane, a few shades lighter than Scootaloo's. His mane was average length, with his tail behind longer than usual.
"This here's Mikey Boom," he said, gesturing to the black colt, "and this is Dr. Jay."
"Call me DJ, cuddla," DJ said.
"Anyway, what are you doing with those two?" He pointed a hoof at the two foals standing behind Noah. Noah didn't break his gaze.
"You said something terrible and hurtful, and you're going to apologize right now." The trio looked back to each other before falling backward in uncontrolled laughter. After a few moments they got back up, wiping their tears away.
"And why the crap would I do that?" he said, giggling the whole time.
"Because you're a worthless sack of meat and a pathetic excuse for an individual, and being nice is the only way to change that." They all stopped, shocked at Noah's harsh words. Lickety's face contorted with rage and he stepped closer to Noah.
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME!?"
"You heard just fine," Noah replied.
"Alright, alright. DJ, give me a beat!" Taking his cue, DJ started beatboxing an admittedly impressive beat. You gotta be joking , Noah thought as all the pieces clicked into place.
"Yo, check this out:
When he was done, his 'crew' was basically 'ooh'-ing the way people do when they witness someone get dissed. Noah turned to look behind him and now Scootaloo's eyes were watering at Lickety's words. That was it.
"DJ," Noah said, "give me a beat." DJ was confused for a second, but then he started giving a slightly different variation of the same beat. Noah cleared his throat.
"Ok, I see how it is:
Noah.
Dude, come on, let me have this.
Eeyunope. Tell them or I will.
Fine! I didn't actually rap against Lickety Split. But I wanted to.
When Lickety was done rapping, Noah reached down and picked him up. "HEY! PUT ME DOWN!" the tiny colt whined. However, his pleas went unheeded as Noah began manipulating Lickety. Within a moment Noah was clutching a tight, ellipse-shaped object that vaguely resembled Lickety Split.
"HEY TYLER! CATCH!" Noah shouted as he punted to poor foal at Tyler. Tyler looked up and let out an uncharacteristic squeak as he saw the colt falling toward him. He quickly jumped up and caught the foal safely in his arms and hugged him close.
"NOAH!? WHAT THE HELL! WE CANT JUST USE A FOAL AS A FOO-"
"He made one of Scootaloo's friends cry," Noah said cutting Tyler off.
"Anyone up for a game of 500?" Tyler said with a blank expression.
"Nah, let's just play football with him," Noah said chuckling a little.
"What's this? Playing football with a bully as the ball?" Andre asked standing up. "I'm game!"
"PUT ME DOWN YOU STUPID COLT-CU - AAAAAAGGGHHH!" With a mighty toss, Tyler sent the fickle foal flying ferociously at the fourth human, who caught it in the tendrils of his fucking beard.
"I don't want this," said Adam. "I'm not your trashcan!" Adam tossed Lickety to Andre, who caught the ball, er, colt, midair like a freakin' quarterback.
Quarterbacks don't catch balls, they throw them.
Fine. Linebacker then.
WIDE RECEIVER! Oh, just let me write this you retard.
Noah and Tyler immediately began playing Smear the Queer with Andre, who was obviously the queer. Andre was about to get 215 pounds of Tyler smashing into him, so he threw the still-wadded-up foal to his side, who quickly uncurled and ran back to his friends. Andre got the wind knocked out of him as both Tyler and Noah collided with his chest and brought him to the ground. When they got off, Andre was gasping for air.
"Not...cool... I threw...the colt...away!" Noah just laughed at his friend.
"Dude, we were playing Smear the Queer, not tackle the guy who's holding a wadded up foal. Last I checked, you're still a huge queer." They all laughed (Andre quite painfully) and helped Andre to his feet. They continued to support him by the arms, subtly reminding him of how they totaled him, implying that he was hurt so bad that they needed to support him. Andre responded by shaking them off and smiling.
They walked back to their previous spot to hang out, talking and laughing as they usually did. Noah stood, as he preferred, while Andre, Tyler and Adam continued a conversation. Noah turned when he felt a tug on his right pant leg. He looked down and saw both Scootaloo and Navy looking up at him. He smiled softly and took a knee next to them, looking them in the eyes. It just occurred to him that he totally forgot about the two little foals. He felt a twinge of embarrassment.
"Hey, you guys alri- oh." They both jumped on Noah, wrapping their forelegs around Noah's neck, prompting him to catch them by putting his arms around their haunches to support them. Noah could feel his left should get slightly damp where Navy put his head.
"Thank you, sir." Noah smiled. His immediate reply, which he stifled, was 'Don't call me sir, I work for a living,' as was the common saying among enlisted members of the military. "Now he won't bother me ever again!" Noah noted that Navy, despite being the same size as Scootaloo, was significantly heavier.
"Yeah, thanks Noah! You're a cool dude, you know that?" Noah gently pulled them away and put them on the ground, and followed up by petting them both on the head. Holy crap, these little guys are adorable. Perhaps the bronies were on to something...
"No problem guys," he said quietly. "If you ever need help with anything, and I mean anything, you give me a shout, alright?" They both nodded in acknowledgement. "Alright, now go play." They turned and did as instructed. Noah returned to the conversation, somewhat lost in thought at how it felt to see others being made so happy by his help. He was brought out of his thought by Adam.
"Ok, Noah, settle this for us. What's worse, sucking Bad Luck Brian's dick or being molested repeatedly by a younger sibling?" Noah's mouth dropped and he sputtered a broken "what?" His friends just laughed at his confusion.
"That's what happens when you're absent from the conversation, Noah," Tyler said, glad to not be the butt of the joke... for once. Noah smiled and shook his head a few times and joined their conversation. They just talked and joked until the end of recess, when Ms. Cheerilee called them all inside. When the humans were seated, Ms. Cheerilee addressed the humans again.
"Noah, Tyler, I don't want to put you on the spot again, but Diamond Tiara asked a question earlier, and I'm sure we're all wondering what the answer is. Would you mind sharing?" Noah and Tyler looked at each other and shrugged, Tyler silently gesturing for Noah to answer.
"Well, to put it simply, we're not from this world. We come from a planet called 'Earth;, but we all have no idea how we got here. There's nothing more than that that I can tell you, really, and that's why you've never heard of humans, or our nations."
"Oh. Wow." That was all Ms. Cheerilee could manage. The class began quietly whispering about this revelation. Ms. Cheerilee saw what kind of confusion this could cause, and immediately stopped it so she could keep her class on track. "Kids, quiet now. The boys probably don't want you talking about them, and thinking of home might be painful for them, so for now we're just going to drop the subject entirely."
It was class time again, Ms.Cherilee launched right into a lecture on something or other. The three smaller humans would know the subject matter where the bearded one would not. For no discernible reason Adam was sitting in a throne made of solid pepper jack cheese.
The unorthodox chair was not what disturbed his focus, but rather little Silver Spoon kicking his chair repeatedly. One could hear her chuckling and muttering taunts, like "Come on, stop me hairball!". The large man in his melting throne would tolerate this no longer, and so he turned around to address his annoyance.
"If you keep hitting my chair with that hoof I'm taking it".
Diamond Tiara closed her eyes and quietly laughed at the response only to open them up again and see Adam with an entirely different beard style. He went from your basic unkempt four inch beard to a dwarf-style double braid that went below his abdomen, topped off with a large handlebar mustache that seemed to challenge all testosterone-heavy organisms to a friendly game of fisticuffs. Adam began to manipulate the braids to pick up a fanny pack from within the fondue armrest, which still dripped with cheese.
The fanny pack was unnaturally small, even compared to a filly. The lips of the pack remained open as the second braid removed a 28-inch hacksaw from what was effectively a wide-lipped coin purse. Adam grabbed the hacksaw and jammed it into the back of the melting chair at a 17-degree angle.
"Your move, Second-rate Soup Utensil." The small filly was too terrified to correct him. Ms. Cheerilee brought their attention back to her with a loud throat clearing.
"And as you can see, Adam and Silver, the sine coefficient is approximate to that of the inverse cosine equation." Noah quickly scribbled this down, trying to make sense of the random shapes and figures in his notes. Andre wrote it down but didn't get it at all, and Tyler was simply dumbfounded. Apparently foals were doing advanced trigonometric equations in their early school days, which was hilarious since when Tyler and Noah were asked to solve an equation, and they somehow ended up with pi. The correct answer, of course, was 23.
After this inhumane humiliation at not being able to do what is considered basic math, the two just put their heads down until the next bell rang. Luckily, it just so happened to be the bell signalling the end of the school day. With a hurried pace, they all made for the door and exited into the courtyard just ahead of their equine classmates. They stopped, trying to figure out what to do now that school was done. Andre was just about to make a suggestion when they heard a tiny voice behind.
"H-hey guys. What's up?" They all turned and looked down at a tiny little foal with white fur and brown spots, including a large one surrounding his left eye.
"Nothin' much, snack cake, how you doing?" Adam was still hungry.
"Oh, uh, I'm alright." He shrank back just a hair, as if he was trying to muster courage. "Actually, I was wondering if, maybe I could...uh, hangoutwithyou?" He sputtered the last four words out quickly, ending with a nervous smile. All four of them looked at each other, then back to Pisqueak. How could they refuse those big pony eyes?
"Uh, sure," Andre said, knowing that allowing him to hang out with them would be bad for the young colt. If only he wasn't so damn adorable ! Pipsqueaks eyes lit up like a Christmas tree at this. He cheered and darted to Andre's leg, rubbing against his shin. He looked up and, for just a second, Andre could have sworn he saw a perfect f-pointed yellow star in the colts eyes.
"Sweet! So, what are we gonna do first?" He was smiling broadly, looking between the four of them expectantly. Again, the humans looked to each other, wondering what they were going to do now that school was over. And then they all conveniently remembered that they were all going separate ways - to work .
"Well, he can't come with me," Tyler said. "He can't exactly work on a farm."
"He shouldn't come with me," Noah said. "A club is no place for a colt."
"And," Andre said, "he can't go with Adam because-"
"Bad influence, corruption, yeah yeah yeah," Adam finished. "So I guess he's going with you, black man." Andre shrugged at the thought of this.
"Alright, I'll see what Fluttershy thinks of this." He looked down at his leg and smiled at the colt. "We'll have to talk to Fluttershy first, ok?" Pipsqueak nodded furiously, his smile as broad as ever. Andre stood, staring at Pipsqeuak. He looked up, and around, fidgeting slightly, waiting for Pipsqueak to let go. He didn't.
"So, uh, you wanna let go of my leg?" Pipsqueaks smile was replaced by a blank look for a second before Pipsqueak realized that Andre couldn't properly while he was attached. Pipsqueak let go and blushed slightly, not that anyone could see it beneath his coat. Andre smiled and began walking the path to Fluttershy's cottage. Andre stopped when Adam called out his name.
"Andre!" Andre turned slightly and looked over his shoulder at his fat friend.
"Yeah?"
"Call him 'Pip' from now on, it's easier to write!" Aaaaaaand Andre accepted this unquestioningly and so did Pip. And they went their separate ways, the end.
loljk
Andre continued on his way, Pip in tow. His three friends watched him walk away, wondering if Andre was any good with children. Noah turned to his friends, ready to suggest they go home, and was surprised by the notorious lack of Adam.
"Where'd Adam go?" Tyler noticed what Noah was talking about, and did a full 360.
"Uh, I dunno." Noah rolled his eyes and gave an impatient sigh.
"Ok, well, anyway. We oughtta go home. I don't know about you, but I'm tired. And I still have work." Tyler's eyes glazed slightly as he instantly began reviewing his mental checklist of things to do back at the farm.
"Damn. So do I," Tyler said, frowning deeply. "Man, I thought I was fucking done with this shit when I graduated." Noah stared at the ground.
"Yeah, I know what you mean, bro. It's messed up."
"Hey!" came a voice from their right. They looked up and over to the source of the voice, and noticed two shapes becoming larger and larger. One was light green, the other white. "Whatcha two doing?" Noah smiled.
"Hey Vinyl. Hello - Lyra?" Lyra smiled in return.
"Yeah, that's right."
"So whatcha guys doing right now?" Vinyl asked quickly. Noah looked at Tyler, who shrugged, then turned back to Vinyl.
"Uh, we were about to got back home to get ready for work."
"Oh that won't be necessary," Vinyl said, raising her shades. She revealed her amazing ruby eyes and stared straight at Noah. "I got us off tonight. You too, Tyler," she added. Tyler's eyes raised in surprise.
"Oh, how did you manage that?"
"She ," Lyra interjected, "did nothing. I got you out of work tonight. I asked AJ really nicely to let you off tonight." Tyler looked at her blankly.
"Uh...why?" Lyra closed her eyes and smiled in that stereotypical anime way that girls apparently always do.
"Because I wanted to get to know you better!"
Giggity.
"Yep," said Vinyl, "tonight, we're gonna go to Sugarcube Corner, we're meeting up with Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Caramel and Big Mac to go out partying tonight. How does that sound?" Noah and Tyler looked at each other, and Noah shrugged.
"Sure, I'm in, how about you Tyler?" Tyler looked between the three momentarily, feeling his antisocial insecurities swell up at the mere mention of going out partying.
"Errr well, I'd love to but I really think it'd be better if I went back to the farm and got some work done, besides I have a bit of homework I should be doing anyways..."
Lyra, Vinyl, and Noah sighed in disapointment that Tyler didn't want to go, and Noah frowned in annoyance.
"Oh well...alright...next time maybe?" Lyra asked.
"Yeah sure...I'm really sorry girls, but I really shouldn't slack off on this, I do appreciate you trying to get me the day off Lyra," Tyler said, doing his best to try and fix everyone's mood...and failing miserably.
Lyra cheered up a bit and put her smile back on. "Nah don't worry about it, like you said, maybe next time. Come on Noah, Vinyl. Those milk shakes are just waiting for us!"
"Awwww yeah!" cried Noah. "See ya later Tyler."
"Later man," With that Tyler continued his walk back down to Sweet Apple Acres while the others went their ways.
Princess Celestia sighed as she finally finished the mountain of paperwork sitting on her Royal Mahogany. She sat back on her haunches, taking a short rest before standing back up. She took a few moments to stretch her wings - one of the rare pleasures she could take freely in her line of work. After all, she had to remain prim, proper and presentable at all times, being a princess.
She walked over to her large, luxurious bed and plopped on top of it like a watermelon from the top of a Manehattan building, savoring the feeling of relaxing her previously tense muscles. It was glorious. By her estimates, she had roughly an hour before she had to get up to start her court appearances, which would flow right into another eight straight hours of your usual princessy bullshit. She was just about to fall asleep when a loud crash brought her back to full consciousness. And battle stance.
Her horn was engulfed in bluish-white magic, enough of it to level the east wing of the castle. She pointed her horn in the direction of the noise, and waited a single moment for the dust to clear. A figure rose out of the wreckage and splinters, gray in appearance, with large, glowing yellow eyes. Which were looking in different directions?
"Derpy?!" Celestia gasped.
"That's me!" she replied. "I have this letter for you from some griffon dude." She reached into her bag and puled out a rather glorious-looking envelope. By the time Celestia looked up again, Derpy was already gone, leaving Celestia with the letter. She carefully opened the letter with her magic. She recognized the handwriting as that of Cesare, current leader of the Griffon tribes. Her brows raised slowly as she read the letter, growing ever more surprised at its contents. When she was done, she simply stared.
"Oh my..." She turned to her table and magicked some ink, a pen and a piece of parchment in front of her and began to write.
A/N
Adam, that fondue chair was absolutely mortifying.
You mean IS.
Is? What do you... OH JESUS WHY THE HELL IS THAT THING IN THE HOUSE!?
I wanted a souvenir.
ADAM, THE FIRST DAY OF EQUESTRIAN SCHOOL FOR US WAS LIKE FIVE YEARS AGO! GET RID OF IT!
Only when you can pry it from my dead, cheesy ass.
In all seriousness, sorry for the long wait. The next chapter will be up in in the next 2 or 3 days as we are already almost done with it. We'll try not to let this happen again, and we have a new work schedule to make sure that we are getting work done every single day. We all love you very much and hope that you'll continue to put up with our crap. Thanks and have a nice night!
Three weeks later
Dear Princess Celestia,
I am writing to you concerning my friend Cody. I have not heard from him since the incident at the court room. I want to know if he's ok, and I also want to know what you need from us, if anything, in order to send us home. We are willing to provide anything at all. Please tell Cody that I'm going to explain everything next time we meet.
Thank you, Your Majesty,
~Noah McDonough
Celestia let out a sigh as she finished reading Noah's letter. It was nice to know that Cody's friends still cared about him. Unfortunately, Cody's aggressive behavior had not subsided since he arrived, granted there was much less yelling and screaming. Now it was a more despisatory silence. He refused to speak with her or anypony who visited him unless he was forced and always glared at them with a deep hatred.
After the incident in the court room Celestia had teleported Cody into a room in the castle with a locked door and a window overhanging a long drop to the ground below. It was not something Celestia wanted to do, or perpetuate, but until she felt he could be allowed in society with guarantee that he wouldn't lash out and hurt someone, she had to keep him somewhere where he couldn't hurt anyone. While he had acted fairly aggressive upon his arrival, he was hardly a threat, just a lost colt who was channeling his fear into anger.
For the first few days when she would try to approach him he'd scream all manner of obscenities at her, demanding to be released and told where his friends were. Even through all the hatred, Celestia still pitied him. His anger was understandable and forgivable in her eyes, being dragged out of his world and into hers with no current way back known would be a devastating blow for anyone; she could even name one or two of her own subjects who would act just as he had.
For now he was still locked in his room and under guard, mostly for his own safety. She wasn't too worried about him hurting someone, as she was certain a guard would be able to subdue a young and untrained human before he was able to do anything to anypony. Still, it was rather....interesting having a child of such a species living in the palace. Just the mere thought of such a situation prompted a surge of interest from the princess. With a slightly exasperated sigh, she rose from her cushion and made for Cody's room. After a few minutes, she had reached the door to the room. A door. A DOOR. Not guards!
With an immense blast of magic, she flung the double doors open and ran inside. Both guards were hog-tied on the floor with fabric stuffed in their mouths. They looked at her with relief that they had been found then gestured as best they could to the...open window.
"Oh no..."
Two Weeks later
"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!" The high pitched drawl was accompanied by a recurring feeling of pressure on Tylers chest. He groggily opened his eyes and nearly had a heart attack from adorableness at the brightly-colored ball of d'awww jumping up and down on top of him. Tyler looked to his left out the barn window, and noticed the lack of sunlight; he didn't have to get up for at least an hour.
"Applebloom, why am I awake before sun-up?" Oh God, they're rubbing off on me , he thought with an internal smile. It was internal because no one can genuinely smile that early in the morning. Except of course an overly-excited filly.
"Today's the first day of Show-n-Tell!"
"Uh...so?"
"Look what Ah found!" She then reached back and dug her face into her tiny saddlebag, and withdrew something. Something squirming. That she then dropped onto the top of one of her upturned hooves. "It's a field mouse!" The tiny grey furball looked blankly at Tyler, then patiently waited for the scene to end so he could go back to his trailer and get his check.
"Ok. Still not sure why I'm awake." That came out much more cross than he intended. He saw the results of his carelessness immediately when Appleblooms face fell. Oh crap, Tyler thought.
"Oh. Ah just thought ya'd like tah see..." Her voice sounded disappointed, and she replaced the tiny rodent back into her saddlebag. Her eyes stayed pointed downward as she turned to jump off of Tyler and down to the floor. Her actions were cut off when the platform she was standing on started shifting, and before she knew it she was immobilized in a tight hug from the significantly larger human.
"I'm sorry, Applebloom. I didn't mean to snap like that, I'm just tired. Tell me all about how you found it." He gave her a smile as he loosened his embrace, and that smile widened when Applebloom looked up at him with an even bigger smile.
"Well, I was out in tha orchard tryna figure out what Ah wanted tah bring and..." She told her story, and Tyler listened with enthusiasm. He wanted to sleep, but there was no way he could have passed up seeing Applebloom so happy. By the time he was done, the sun was over the horizon, which meant that Tyler only had about a half hour before he was supposed to be up, so he decided not to go back to sleep and just get started on his chores.
Tyler had been working on his chores and schoolwork more and more over the past few weeks, and he just kept on improving. However, his improvement was worrying: he had virtually become a hermit over the short time span of two weeks. He only socialized at school, and even then, he only talked to Noah, Andre and Adam, and even then it was only when they came by to see him. Applejack tried to get him to be more social by sending him into towns on errands, and while Tyler did what he was asked, he never stayed out a second longer than he had to. When Applejack finally mentioned to Tyler straight that he needed to be acting more sociable her would just smile and nod, then try changing the subject.
6:29 AM. Everything was quiet and still in the living room. Vinyl Scratch slept peacefully on one of her couches, snugly placed against a wall in the living room. Noah slept just as peacefully on the couch exactly opposite to hers. 6:30 AM. The room was instantly filled with an annoying high-pitched screeching. Vinyls eyes opened groggily as she attuned her mind to consciousness. She raised her head and looked over at Noah's couch with bleary vision. Her head plopped back down onto her pillow and she groaned at being woken up so early.
"Noah," she said, trying to get his attention. He still didn't budge. "NOAH," she iterated, this time with more force. His absent response communicated that he wasn't going to be woken up through his sense of hearing. A light blue glow crept around Vinyls horn, and it connected with a very large plastic bag filled with empty energy drink cans that the two had stockpiled over the course of a week and a half. She levitated the bag over Noah's couch, then promptly turned it upside down, allowing it's contents to cover Noah and most of the couch. Vinyl heard a small groan, and giggled as Noah's head emerged from the pile, a crumpled can sitting atop his cranium.
"Your alarm's going off."
"No it's not, don't lie to me," Noah said as he got up and turned off his phone, spilling no less than 80 cans onto the floor. Vinyl laughed a bit. She had grown accustomed to his somewhat unique sense of humor, and knew when he was trying to be clever. Vinyl was one of four people who really understood his humor now.
"Right. Well, it's Show and Tell day. I gotta figure out what I'm gonna present." Noah dropped down and began his morning routine, starting with push-ups. Every morning, he did some exercise, and had a bit of breakfast after he showered. Over the past few weeks, he had been feeling a lot more energetic. His social life had also been changed dramatically. Back home, he didn't have the means to hang out with his friends, nor did he have the desire. He always connected with them through the Internet or something. This new type of socializing was awesome, actually hanging out face to face with his friends, and meeting with real physical people rather then pixels on a computer screen was just so much better to him. Everyone he cared about was in the same small town as him. Everyone except his family and...Oh yeah .
While Noah had become better at just ignoring the fact that he might be in another dimension , he just couldn't get it off of his mind. He often thought of the scientific implications of this whole thing, then quickly stowed those thoughts away, knowing that he'd only hurt his head trying to figure it all out. After all, why not leave it to the magical Princess that moves a bucking sun every day? He stowed his thoughts away and focused on his chest and arms, waiting for that feeling that he was approaching muscle failure.
Vinyl watched Noah as he did his push-ups, still fascinated by the incredible difference in human/pony anatomy. He wasn't particularly muscular, but he had tone. She noticed the veins popping slightly on his arms as he did that pushy exercise. She traced his body with her eyes, from his arms to his back, then his legs, wondering if all humans were like that.
Noah had turned over onto his back and began doing 'crunchies', or something like that. It was supposed to work out abdominal muscles, or so he said. Vinyl didn't know since she'd never done them. As she stared, she wondered how similar humans were to ponies as far as social interaction, media, and all those other things. She broke her gaze after a moment and went into the kitchen, still within sight of Noah, to get herself something to eat.
Noah noticed his roomie leaving and looked as she left the room. Even since he had overcome his ADHD the year before, sometimes he just gets distracted. He had stopped his push-ups at the rest position, and stared at Vinyl as he got lost in thought, not abnormal for him. Thinking about everything, nothing, something in between, it didn't really matter. Sometimes he just daydreamed randomly during the day, thinking about whatever piques his interest at random times.
"Uh...Noah?" Noah snapped out of his thoughts and was aware that she was now inadvertently staring at Vinyl's flanks.
"Huh?" His eyes immediately rose to meet Vinyl's.
"Were you just staring at my butt?" Noah began blushing furiously.
"What!? No - I mean, yes, but, like, I didn't mean to." Vinyl grinned slightly.
"Ok."
"Not that I wouldn't want to," Noah blurted. He realized what he said when Vinyl raised her eyebrow at him. "I mean, someone may want to, but not me. Not that-"
"Hey. It's fine. I know what you're trying to say." Noah was so glad that he didn't have to speak anymore.
"Right. Good. I'm, uh, gonna go, er, shower." Without another moments hesitation, he got up and basically sprinted over to the bathroom. When he had shut the door, she immediately began to bang her head softly on one of the walls. "Stupid stupid STUPID!"
"Well that was odd," Vinyl remarked to herself, still standing in the kitchen.
Tyler eventually decided against bringing anything for Show and Tell, electing to use the time to sleep. Of course, he didn't tell anyone this. Not yet at least. He didn't want Applebloom or Applejack to make him bring anything for fear of painful nagging. He had just finished cleaning his bowl from breakfast, and walked out the front door of the farmhouse, being rushed the whole time by Applebloom, who was very insistent that they leave to make that they would be on time.
"Ok, let's -" Tyler started.
"FAHNALLY! Now let's go before we're late ya turtle!" Applebloom turned and immediately began walking at a fast pace towards the school, with Tyler walking alongside her. He was glad that he was so tall, otherwise he'd have to jog to keep up with her, and he didn't feel like running when he was so tired. They had just entered the town when Tyler saw a very familiar light-green pony trot up to him with a large smile on her face.
"Hey Lyra," Tyler said.
"Hey. Where you headed?"
"We're going tah Show n Tell!" Applebloom exclaimed. Tyler immediately looked away his face becoming bright red, embarrassed to be in the same level of schooling as a child.
"Yeah..."
"Oh, uh, cool." Lyra said. She immediately noticed how Tyler got uncomfortable. "Hey, Applebloom, why don't you go on ahead to class. I need to borrow Tyler for a minute." Applebloom opened her mouth to protest, but then remembered that both Tyler and Lyra were grown-ups.
And you never, EVER back talk grown-ups. My daddy beat my ass when I talked back to him. Just kidding, I'm black, so I don't have a dad.
"Ok, but don't you be late, Tahler!" With that, she continued to the school, leaving Tyler and Lyra alone.
"So, what'd you need?" Tyler asked.
"Oh, well, I just wanted to ask you something." Lyra's ears twitched slightly.
"Yeah? What is it?" Lyra's ears twitched slightly.
"Well, I haven't really seen you around lately, and I was just wondering if maybe you'd like to hang out sometime? Like, got to Sugarcube Corner for a milkshake or something?" She gave him a genuine smile. Tyler was still caught way off-guard though.
"Uh - sure." Lyra's face lit up and his acceptance. Tyler's, however, fell noticeably. Noticeable to all but Lyra of course.
"SWEET! Ok, I'll meet you there today at 7. Later!" Lyra turned and walked away, a very slight spring in her step. Tyler just kinda stared into space until that whole situation finally clicked into place: he and Lyra were gonna hang out.
"SHIT!" Why would I agree to that! Tyler's mind entered 'Doomsday' mode as he envisioned everything that could, or in his mind would , go wrong. Midst his panic, it did not notice the entity approaching from his right.
"Hey Tyler, what's up?" Andre said. "Dude, you ok? You look shaken up."
"What? Oh no, I'm fine." They stood for a few moments, and looked at each other.
"Well, we ought to get to class," Andre said.
"Huh? Oh right!"
Other than a menacing glare from Applebloom for nearly being late, the school day started off normally. Tyler, when asked about what he brought for Show and Tell, told Ms. Cheerilee about how he had nothing to show, then put his head back down on the table. Ms. Cheerilee walked up to his new, properly-sized desk.
"Tyler?" Tyler picked his head up off of the table and sat up straight.
"Yes?" Cheerilee leaned in close, scrutinizing him.
"Tyler, are you feeling ok?" Tyler blinked.
"Uh, yeah, why?" Cheerilee was now wearing a worried expression; the entire class just stopped.
"Well, you're more tired than usual. Are you doing more work at the farm?"
"What? Oh, no. I just didn't get a lot of sleep last night." He glanced over at Applebloom, who just shrugged, then looked back at his teacher.
"What!? Tyler, you need to be getting proper amounts of sleep!"
"Yeah Tyler, get normal amounts of sleep," Adam chided.
"Well," Tyler started, "I usually get plenty of sleep, it's just that last night I didn't." Cheerilee stared at him for a moment with a concerned expression.
"Ok then. As long as you're getting enough sleep on a normal basis..." With that, she resumed the Show and tell presentations. Tyler thought it odd that she showed so much concern over one night of little sleep, but promptly began to rectify that issue on his desk.
The rest of the day was basically normal, the only thing out of the ordinary was that there would be a test the following day on algebraic functions. As the class began to leave, Cheerilee gave her last instruction of the day.
"Oh, and Tyler!" Tyler turned to face her. "Promise me you'll keep getting enough sleep, ok?" What?
"Oh...kay?"
"Ok then. You can go now."
"Well, that was weird," Tyler remarked as he caught up to his friends.
"What was?" Noah asked.
"Cheerilee seemed overly concerned about my tiredness. It was just...I don't know, weird."
"Well," Adam started, "maybe you wouldn't be tired if you went to bed at a reasonable hour instead of playing grab-ass with Applejack all night long." Three of them laughed, while Tyler only smiled.
"Yeah yeah, very funny."
"Tahler, what's 'grab-ass'? And why did y'all play it without me?!" Tyler looked down at Applebloom, realizing that he might be screwed.
"Great," he said, looking at Adam. "Now I have to explain this to a child. Good job Adam." He looked back to Applebloom. "He was kidding. AJ and I didn't play any games, and don't say that again. It's a bad word, ok?" Appleblooms eye got wide and...started watering. God dammit...
"P-please don't tell Applejack! Ah didn't know, I swear!"
"It's ok Applebloom, I won't tell Applejack, and I'm not mad. Well, not at you." With that he shot a venomous glare at Adam. If it wasn't for him, Applebloom would never have started crying, and no one makes Applebloom cry without vengeance. Except Adam, because Beard Powers.
Damn straight.
No! No, this is NOT alright! Adam is not the one of the four of us who should have superhuman-
It's ok, I can use my negro powers to trump his beard powers if needs be.
But what about Ultimate Beard Powers?
Fuck.
Don't worry, Andre. Negro powers, when in the presence of a police siren and flashing lights, quadruple in strength.
I think I can beat that.
No, you can't. There's a hierarchy.
You...you're just fuckin' with me, right?
Nope. It goes, from lowest to highest, beard powers, negro powers, Ultimate beard powers, negro powers when police are near, then the universe trying to correct its wrongs, and then, just above the infinite power of the universe, is a brony when a pony starts crying.
Lord help any unfortunate bastard that happens to fuck with a pony when we are near.
"Ya promise?" she asked with a sniffle. Noah, Tyler and Andre couldn't help but smile at the adorable adorableness.
"Of course," Tyler responded. "Now go on home and start on your homework. I'll be home in a few minutes." Tyler caught himself for a minuteHome? he shook his head No Im not starting to think of this place that way, just telling Applebloom to go back to HER home...... right? thus began one of Tylers heated internal conflicts and self berating for his method of thinking,
"Ok." Applebloom ran ahead of the humans in the direction of the farm.
"So, what are you all up to today?" Andre asked.
"I'm just gonna be working and doing homework. The usual," Tyler replied. Then he remembered. "Oh, and I'm hanging out with Lyra."
"Yeah, Vinyl wants to take me to some underground club over in Manehattan."
"Well," Andre started, "Fluttershy wants me to feed the animals and I'm done. But you're both busy tonight. Damn."
"I'M NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!" came a familiar voice from above. Adam smacked against the ground with the dull thud of a hundred thousands grams of trans fat. "I'll hang out with you, Andre!"
"Sweet. What do you wanna do?"
"You two should go dick around in the Everfree," Tyler suggested.
"There is nothing about this plan that could possibly go wrong!" Andre said with an enthusiastic smile.
Several Hours Later...
Noah walked through the door to the club, totally unsure of what to expect. And he was not expecting what he saw: a normal club. But slightly fancier. And 'fancier' here just means it had slightly more expensive decor. It was still...interesting. The beats were pretty nice, the music was moving. Ponies of all shapes and sizes blah blah blah they were all dancing. The room itself was large, probably about as three times big as Vinyls ground floor. The walls were matte black with dark purple curving designs running up and along the surface of each wall. They looked like normal violet in regular light, but when the black light hit them, they glowed a bright brilliant white. The strobes went back and forth from low, white light, harsh red light, and a low, soothing black light. The overall effect was highly entertaining. Noah could have just sat in a chair and stared at the wall for an entire hour. Vinyl had different plans in mind.
"So, what do you think?" She had to shout to be heard over the impressive speakers, but she was still relatively clear since Noah was still pretty close.
"So far I'm likin' it. The strobes effects on the walls are cool, and the music isn't bad." Vinyl grinned at him.
"Oh yeah? Well it just so happens that I chose the line-up tonight. This song ends in about 30 seconds, and the next one is gonna kill."
"We'll see," Noah said - shouted. He turned his nose up, then opened one eye to look down and gauge Vinyl's reaction. Just as he intended, she was slightly incredulous that he would question her. When he had confirmed his ruse worked, he let his smile show. When it became apparent that he was joking, they both laughed at the passive and odd joke. Though to the other ponies they appeared silent and looked absolutely ridiculous. I mean, have you ever actually seen someone legit laugh their asses off with no sound coming out? Shit's freaky yo.
The song came to a nice end, and a beautiful moogish synth came one, followed by a deep, powerful bassline. With that, Noah and Vinyl danced. Vinyl was dancing rather slowly, having her muscles pull her body in different directions according to the beat of the music, being almost perfectly fluid. Noah was moving much faster, popping and locking somewhat well. Of course he knew that he still kinda sucked at it, but none of the ponies knew it. He occasionally dropped a power move for the Hell of it, thoroughly impressing everypony in the club. But he didn't care, he just wanted to dance. It was incessantly annoying to have to watch out for the ponies that always wanted to get close to him to watch him dance, because then his power moves made the immediate area very dangerous. Of course, they eventually had to rest their tired limbs. When they did, Vinyl showed Noah around to a small booth, where they both sat and rested. The music was much quieter here, as they were away from the speakers and around a corner, so they could speak at nearly normal volume and hear each other.
"So you made this lineup yourself?"
"Yep," Vinyl replied, smiling. "Nothing but the best tonight. That DJ up there is gonna get good press for sure, man."
"Well that was nice of you. Hey, maybe you can let me DJ sometime. I can't actually do anything, but I can sure as hell fake it." Vinyl chuckled a bit, and signaled a waitress. Why they had waitresses in a club, Noah would never know.
"Hey, what can I getcha?"
"I'll have an apple flavored martini," Vinyl said.
"All right, one appletini-" Vinyl put her leg around the poor pegasus mare and pulled her in close, giving her a look of pure hatred.
"I said an apple-flavored martini. If you come back with that fruity-ass shit water I swear to Celestia I will break your wings and use your limp body as a jump rope, do you understand me?" She practically hissed the entire thing. When the waitress was done sputtering a confirmation, Vinyl let her go and she darted off to the bar. "Some people, am I right?" she asked.
"Yeah, it's terrible," Noah agreed, wide-eyed and fearful.
"So, how's school? Are your grades good? Do any of the other colts steal your milk money?" Vinyl teased.
"Last time I saw anyone try and bully anyone else, I wadded them up into an oval and played a human sport with their body as the ball."
"So you beat up children?" Noah smiled, knowing he'd been beat.
"Yeah, I suppose I do." The pegasus waitress came back, trembling slightly, and dropped off the apple-flavored martini, muttered something about 'on the house', and darted away again, presumably to cry herself to sleep with a bottle of jack. Nobody knew it, but that pegasus mare has self-esteem issues and will probably come back in one of the future chapters. I mean, wait, what?
"So what's next? You gonna tackle an old stallion for not walking fast enough?"
"Not my fault, I didn't see him."
"And why was that?"
"I was busy looking up and running to try and catch the colt-ball." They both laughed at his remark, and Vinyl downed her drink in one gulp.
"So how do you make your music?" she asked, looking at him expectantly. Shit , Noah thought, knowing this question would eventually come.
"Well, I have this device. It's called a computer. It does stuff with electricity and inconceivable amounts of zero's and one's to do calculations and all manner of stuff, and these manipulations are instigated by programs, which are more one's and zero's. One type of program can be used for making music." Vinyl stared, expression completely neutral, as she tried to comprehend what he said. "Basically, I do it on my laptop."
"Oh. You should have just said that." Noah smiled and laughed, knowing that he over thought one of his explanations yet again.
"Yeah,. I'd love to make more on my laptop."
"Wait, why can't you make more?"
"It's out of power."
"What?"
"Okay, laptops have these things called a battery. The battery stored power in the form of electricity, and that powers the device."
"Wait. Electricity. Like, lightning?"
"Well yes, but much, much smaller amounts."
"Woooooaaaaahhh. Can we power it some other way?"
"Not that I know of," Noah said, sounding a little depressed. Not being able to make music sucked for the young artist.
Just for the record, I cringe every time you use archaic language unnecessarily like that.
Vinyl recognized the slightly depressed tone in his voice. "Do you wanna go dance some more?" That did the trick.
"Absolutely."
They danced for a couple hours, taking occasional breaks during which Noah would hydrate and Vinyl would down a drink or two. Despite her small size, she could hold her alcohol, or at least that's what Noah assumed. Either that or Equestrian drinks had less alcohol in them than human alcoholic drinks.
Now of course with all the hydrating, Noah eventually had to dehydrate.
Seriously? There was NOTHING better you could have used to say Noah had to take a piss? I mean Jesus Christ guys...
Now of course with all the liquid he drank, Noah eventually had to release the tides of urine from his penis.
There, happy?
You walked right into that one, Andre.
He went to the gentlecolts room while Vinyl was ordering her drink, and he didn't come back for some time. Between Noah's large bladder and his difficulty positioning himself over the tiny target, it was indeed difficult to use the facilities in this particular establishment since they were cramped stalls instead of actual rooms. But of course, that's the price you pay for wanting to avoid carpet bombing the floor with piss. As Noah was walking back to the bar, he noticed Vinyl becoming rather...friendly with a stallion the same color as the piss Noah tried so hard to get into the toilet. He only caught the end of their conversation as he got close.
"I would LOVE to go and crash at your place! Oh look, we can bring Noah too! It'll be a slumber party! *snort* Hahahaha!" The yellow pony eyed Noah carefully.
"Yeah, I was thinking more of a two person thing so I could get to know you better. Whaddya say?" Vinyl looked unsure while considering this statement.
"Uh...I mean, sure, I guess?"
"Oh really?" Noah asked hypothetically. "Cuz I think Vinyl's going home alright, but not with you, scumbag. Let's go, Vinyl." Noah put his hand on the back of Vinyls neck and used that to guide her to come with him. It was slightly awkward since he really wasn't sure where to put his hand. On a human, he'd just put it on the shoulder or grab the arm, but Vinyl was a foot and a half shorter than him, so he made a guess. He did not break eye contact with the yellow stallion until he and Vinyl were walking away.
The trek home was slow since Vinyl couldn't walk at her usual pace. She trudged along, giggling and smiling merrily despite her inability to walk correctly. After about 15 minutes, Noah stopped her.
"Hey, come on we gotta get home bro. What are you, tired? You slow turtle thing..." Heh. Better not let her know the things she says when she's intoxicated , Noah thought as he bent down next to her.
"No, it's just that I figured out a much faster way of getting us home." Vinyl had a look of confusion which turned into surprise when Noah put his hands on either side of her stomach. With a grunt, he lifted Vinyl up, putting his right hand along her side so his palm rested on the shoulder joint of her right foreleg. His left arm wrapped around her legs and pressed them to his torso so that the hold was secure, like how one would carry a lamb. When he felt his grip was right, Noah began walking forward at his usual quick pace.
"Woah, ok. This work I guess, hahah."
"I'm glad." For a few minutes, neither of them said anything. However, as time went on, Noah could feel Vinyls head start lolling around more and more, indicating that she was going to fall asleep. Her head finally landed softly against his left shoulder. She opened her mouth slightly and began muttering quietly.
"Noah, I'm so glad you're here." What?
"What?" Vinyl didn't respond. "Vinyl? What did you say?" Still no response. Did she say that she's glad I'm here? Well, I guess it's always good to have a designated driver...carrier. Whatever. Noah smiled as he finally fulfilled the calling he was born to do as a sober Mormon.
When he finally reached the house, he carefully pushed open the door, careful not to bump Vinyls head against the door frame. He walked up the steps and carefully slid into Vinyls room. He moved over to the bed, and carefully laid Vinyl down on it, and pulled a blanket over her body. Noah quietly closed the door, walked down the stairs, and sat on the couch.
"I'm not tired yet."
Earlier
Tyler stopped and looked up at the cupcake-shaped sign that hung over the entrance the Sugarcube Corner. He took a deep breath to stereotypically muster his courage, and walked inside. Ponies glanced over at him because the bell rang, and their gazes lasted a few seconds longer than they would have if he wasn't human. He was used to it by this point, but one pair of golden eyes caught his. The light green pony smiled widely and waved a hoof at him. Tyler returned the gesture with a half-hearted smile, and made his way over to the corner table.
"Hey, Lyra."
"Hey, Tyler, how you doing?"
"I'm pretty good. How about you?"
"Not too bad." She cocked her head slightly to the left, never breaking eye contact. There was something...weird...about her smile. Tyler sat down just as Pinkie Pie arrived to the table with a milkshake in a glass, two pink straws poking out of it.
"Here you are Lyra! With extra sprinkles and cream!" She hastily laid the glass down on the table, giggling furiously, and then quickly slinked away from the table. That's pretty unusual for Pinkie Pie to just leave without rambling on about something, Lyra thought. She leaned forward and began to sip from one of the straws.
"Oh wow, that looks good, Lyra." Lyra stopped drinking for a moment. "Does it usually come with two straws?" Lyra looked down at the milkshake, noticing the two straws for the first time.
"Oh. Uh, no. Usually only one straw. If you want I could order one for you."
"Nah that's ok, I'll just get it myself, but thanks though."
"You're welcome."
He waved Pinkie over and ordered himself a milkshake just like Lyra's. Pinkie Pie was somewhat confused when she saw that Lyra's milkshake was still not gone.
"What, did you two not finish the first one?" Us two? Lyra and Tyler thought simultaneously. "Alright, one super-duper awesome milkshake - right here." She materialized a milkshake and set it down in front of Tyler because fuck you, Pinkie Physics.
Tyler was indeed confused, but his confusion was lost the moment he remembered the milkshake. He picked up the cold glass and brought the straw to his mouth., and it was breathtaking: the milkshake expertly combined perfect levels of rich chocolate, birthday cake and cookie dough, with sprinkles throughout the mix bringing all the flavors together. It would have promptly brought him within the boundaries of any mare’s front lawn.
“Holy crap that’s amazing! Pinkie Pie you’ve outdone yourself!” His kind remark drew questioning looks from most of the patrons in the room. Lyra leaned towards Tyler, getting right next to him.
“Tyler,” she whispered, “that’s called the ‘House Classic’. It’s been here since they opened.” Tyler looked around the room, his expression perfectly neutral. He deliberately removed the straw from the glass, picked the glass up, and drained its contents in one gulp, all while wearing that same expression. He replaced the glass, stood up very casually, and walked straight out the door. I can never come back to this place again , he thought.
Lyra took one last gulp of her own milkshake then hurried after Tyler. What in Equestria has gotten into him!? she thought. Lyra easily caught up with him after a few moments, thanks to her much longer strides, but something was...off.
“Tyler?” She noticed he had his entire hand spread out over his face, and was very slowly pulling it down as he walked. “Hey what was that?”
“I was an idiot.”
“What? How?” Tyler removed his hand and looked at Lyra as he walked, and his face was as red as a beat.
“I said Pinkie Pie outdid herself when in fact she didn’t. I bet the entire place was laughing by the time I left. This is why I hate going out in public, I always say or do something incredibly stupid.” Lyra’s face assumed an expression of disbelief at hearing his explanation.
“What? It wasn’t stupid, you didn’t know! Hey, I did the exact same thing the first time I ordered the House Classic.” Tylers annoyed expression softened just a little bit.
“Really?”
“No,” she said, causing Tyler's expression to return and his gaze to looking angrily ahead of him, “but it’s nothing to be worked up about!” Tyler grumbled something in response, but Lyra couldn’t make out what he said. She looked down for a minute as they walked, not saying anything else. Come on Lyra, THINK! You have to salvage this hang out! Her head shot up with a wide smile as she got an idea.
“Hey Tyler.”
“Yeah?” His tone clearly showed his annoyance at himself.
“Follow me.” Lyra picked up her pace and was soon trotting faster than Tyler could walk. He picked his pace up as well, jogging along side her.
Fuck, running Tyler thought as he jogged. Though he was in much better shape than in previous months, cardio was still not among his list of talents. Unlike his smaller companions, Tyler’s fitness increase mostly revolved around fat trimming and muscle building due to all the heavy lifting but little runnign around he did on the farm., whereas Andre and Noah had mostly increased in physical stamina, while also gaining a little muscle.
Tyler jogged with Lyra, wondering all the while when they were going to stop. Tyler didn’t even notice the sky turn orange as the sun set beyond the horizon. Finally, after a good 20 minutes, they stopped. Lyra slowed to a trot, then finally to a walk as they made their way into a very large open field. Try as he might, Tyler just couldn’t figure out why they were there. He was relieved to be able to finally stop, but he was already out of breath, rendering him incapable of asking Lyra about their location.
“So, here we are.” Tyler just gave her a questioning look as he caught his breath. “Just us. Nopony around for you to be awkward in front of.” She gave him a genuine smile and laid down in the grass. Wow. She actually did this, came all the way out here, just to make me feel more secure? He gave a small smile of gratitude and sat down against a tree near them. For a short time, they were in silence. Silence which Lyra needed to break.
“So, what have you been doing since you...arrived?”
“Work. I work at Sweet Apple Acres and then I also do schoolwork.” Lyra turned to Tyler, again disbelieving.
“So, is that really all you’ve done since you got here? Farming?”
“That’s right. But there’s a lot more in me than farming.”
And with that, Lyra and Tyler launched into conversation. They shared information about themselves, and found that they had more in common than they previously thought. Their chat spanned a few hours, and when the sun had finally sunk over the horizon, they were content with looking at the stars. And that’s what they did.
“You know, I’ve always liked astronomy, even back home.”
“Is that the study of stars?”
“Yeah, I’ve always found it interesting. Just the thought of billions of tons worth of gas constantly burning in a fusion furnace which we then see billions of years later is just so...epic!” Lyra blinked, not really understanding what he was talking about, but decided to roll with it anyway.
“Oh yeah, I totally understand what you mean. Tyler, it’s been really nice hanging out with you.” Uhhh, what? Alright I guess it wasn't supposed to be a date then...
“Oh. Yeah, it’s been fun hanging out with you too. Well, it’s late, and I have a test tomorrow.”
“Awww, really?” Tyler blushed in embarrassment, knowing that he was taking a test meant for children and that it was getting in the way of his meager and pathetic social life.
“Yeah.” They both rose to their respective end-of-leg organ and began walking back to the edge of Ponyville. It was a long walk, about 20 minutes total, and when they got to the edge of town, they were about to part ways.
“So, we can do this...again sometime?” Lyra asked sheepishly.
“Uh, yeah sure. Whenever really.” Lyra’s eyes grew wide.
“Ok, awesome! Well, I’ll see you later!” Lyra turned and trotted off to her house, a nice spring to her step. Why is she always so happy around me? Tyler thought.
Lyra was pushed from his mind when he saw two figures coming from the opposite direction that Lyra went. As they got closer, he saw that it was Andre and Adam. They both looked they had been in the forest for a full day, but Adam also looked comically injured and scratched. When they met up, they gave the usual token greetings. As a responsible adult, Tyler totally suggested they go home, study, and get some rest. Just kidding. They went to the bar.
“And THEN he runs STRAIGHT AT THE FUCKING MANTICORE AND GRABS ITS GIANT-ASS PAW!” Andre said, causing Tyler to howl with laughter, spilling a bit of his cider. “Then,” Andre continued, “Adam looked at the padding on the things paws. Now, what were you doing Adam?” Adam didn’t answer. “Adam. What were you doing with the manticores paw?”
“I was checking for a thorn.” This caused laughter to literally erupt from his less sober friends.
“Why the HELL would you look for a thorn you dumbass!?” Tyler asked while laughing.
“Look, in my defense, any time a lion is pissed at you, that means that it has a thorn in its paw and if you remove it, it will be your friend.” Tyler and Andre simply stared at Adam with neutral expressions.
“That is the DUMBEST FUCKING THING I’VE EVER HEARD!” Tyler didn’t even finish the sentence before he and Andre were laughing again. They both finished with gulps from their mugs, still smiling and giggling.
“GUESS WHO IT IS!” came a voice from behind them. “I knew I’d find you losers in here!” They all turned around and greeted the final piece of their horrible puzzle. Noah sat next to Andre and put an arm around him like he always does to his friends.
“Hey, we need a virgin down here!” Tyler said to the bartender.
“Scratch that,” Noah said, “we already got three right here.” They gave a little recognition at Noah’s horrible joke, and then left it up to the readers to figure out which one wasn’t a virgin. They had a good time, all of them, mocking Adams ridiculous handling of a manticore, and three of them got plenty drunk. Their fun was brought to a screeching halt at about 12:30am.
“WHAT ON EQUIS ARE YOU FOUR DOING!?” The entire bar had gone totally silent. Many of the ponies from town knew that the humans were going to school with their kids, and so they knew of the relationship between them and Cheerilee. And because of that, they all had the fear of death in their eyes. “YOU HAVE A TEST IN NINE HOURS!” The humans looked at their teacher with a neutral gaze.
“Yeah? And?” Tyler asked boldly.
“AND!? And you need to get your butts home and study or get to bed!”
“But...no.” Also, it turns out Tyler gets ballsy when he’s drunk. The others were just looking back and forth between the two.
“Tyler! You will get home and go to bed or study THIS INSTANT! I will not tell you again!” Cheerilee said with authority. Tyler then began laughing.
Oh how fucking wrong he was. She was like an impossible purple blur. In an instant, she was pulling Tyler by the ear. Tyler yelled in pain as she dragged him by his poor little ear across the bar. She stopped, and turned back, giving a death glare to the other humans, who promptly caught up with Cheerilee and walked with her for fear of getting dragged by the ear as well. They walked for a little bit until they ended up back at Cheerilee’s house. She sat them all down in her living room, and told them to stay. She disappeared for a few seconds before coming back with three cups of a mysterious liquid.
“Ok, now you three are going to drink every single last drop of this medicine, understand?”
“Yes ma’am,” they all said in unison, Tyler while rubbing his sore ear. They took their cups and they all drained them, instantly coughing and sputtering. It tasted awful, as they knew it would, since all medicine has to taste like Satans fermented foot fungus in stories. After a few seconds, they all gripped their heads and began groaning in pain.
“What’s going on with them?” Noah asked.
“HANGOVER!” Adam shouted. “OH VISHNU, IT HURTS!”
“Yes,” Cheerilee confirmed. “It’s a medicine that speeds up the sobering process.” She walked over to a nearby table and picked up four copies of the same book and plopped them down on the floor. “Now you four are going to study for an hour then it’s off to bed! Understand?” They all nodded and picked up their books, lest they suffer anymore at the hands of the all powerful Overmare of Ponyville’s students.
Spike snored softly in his tiny little bed as he dreamed of crystals and gems. It was quite funny when he rose a foot into the air and turned over his bed when he landed. He burped loudly, causing a beautiful green smoke cloud which solidified into a nice little letter, stamped with the royal emblem. He took one look at it, then passed out again.
“Ugh...No, Rarity, I don’t like ropes.” Afterall, he was only a baby dragon.
“Un...Spike?” Twilight said, weariness in her voice. When no response came, she let out a slight groan and left her comfortable bed in exchange for the wooden floor to go see what caused the thump she had heard. She got to the foot of Spikes teeny bed. She was turning to go back to her bed when she barely noticed the bright royal emblem on the letter at her hooves. Her nerves jumped, causing her to instantly, if temporarily, wake. She quickly scooped up the letter and read it, using her horn’s glow to see in the dark morning. She read aloud:
“My Most Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,
There will be an international meeting in the coming months between Equestria and the surrounding nations. News of our human guests has spread among their representatives, and they have requested the presence of our guests for diplomatic purposes. The date and time have yet to be established, but it will take place at Canterlot Castle. Please forward this message to Tyler, Noah, Andre and Adam as soon as is convenient for you. I expect them to dress according to what is normally considered dapper for their species in order to help with sharing culture, as requested the Minister of Germaney. I suspect this is because he wants to share culture and other things. I wish for you and Rarity to instruct them in basic etiquette when dealing with representatives of a foreign nation. Please fill the humans in on anything that you feel they will need to know in order to function at such an event. Write back to me once you have informed the humans and they are aware of what is expected of them.
"WE HAVE TO HURRY SPIKE, LET'S GO!" Spike groaned under the weight of the seven books he was carrying.
"Twilight, we don't have to -ung!- get there immediately! The letter said to go whenever it was convenient."
"The meeting could be at any time, Spike, and we have to make sure they're ready!" Twilight said as she piled three more books on top of her already overloaded assistant.
"Ack! And do we really need....all these books?" Twilight turned and practically got in Spikes face.
"YES! They have to know EVERYTHING about talking to diplomats if they're going to make lasting diplomatic relationships on a quantifiable, manageable juxtaposition!" Spike simply stared, not quite understanding half of the sentence.
"Uh. Ok." After stacking a few more books on Spike, Twilight teleported them to the schoolhouse in a brilliant purple flash. She hated to pull the boys out of school, but this, in her eyes, was so much more important. Twilight immediately rushed to the door while Spike hobbled along at his own pace, groaning under the weight of the heavy paper. Twilight opened the door, and looked around at all the eyes that were now looking right at her. It took her only a second to spot the large humans she was looking for.
"Hey! Noah, Andre, Adam, Tyler, I need you four to come with me right now!" And all at once, every single head looked at the humans, and then to Ms. Cheerilee.
"Hold on," Cheerilee interjected, "why do you need my students? Can't you see they're taking a test?" Twilight smiled reassuringly at Cheerilee as she responded.
"Well, I need them to come with me. We have things to discuss regarding Canterlot matters." Cheerilee was utterly and completely unfazed.
"Ok, well I'll have them go to your library as soon as they're done." Twilight gave a half-nervous smile at this, and rubbed the back of her head. This would not be easy, but at least she was going to get to say something authoritative.
"Well, see, the thing is that these four need to learn things to prepare for a meeting on the Princess' orders." She didn't show it, but inside she beamed with pride at being a courier for the Princess' wishes. She stood a bit straighter, smiling to herself.
"Hm. Well I'm sorry to hear that, Twilight. Whatever it is that they're going to learn will have to wait until this test is over." What!?
"Yeah!" Adam exclaimed. "I need to learn me an edjumuhcation!" With the entire room staring at him, he silently went back to his test; the rest of the foals and the other humans turned their heads back to the front.
"Ok, I know how important an education is, I really do, but-"
"Twilight, they are not leaving until they finish the test. I realize that the Princess may have asked for their cooperation, but as their teacher, I still have guardianship over them, and I have decided that they will finish their test first. Now if that will be all, please leave the classroom, we've distracted the class enough."
"Fine," Twilight said, turning to the door. She crossed the threshold just as Spike came through the door, panting from all the books he was carrying. As he finally dropped from exhaustion, Twilight tsk'd angrily. "Spike, why are you just laying around?"
"Why did you make me carry these books when we could have just walked the humans back to the library!?" Spike shot back angrily. Twilight thought for a moment, deciding that his question was indeed very valid.
"Uh, because, I...wasn't thinking?" She said, smiling awkwardly before quickly teleporting the books back to the library.
After Twilight and Spike teleported away, Cheerilee smirked to herself and returned to her desk. Her eye was caught by a hand, placed high in the air.
"Yes, Noah?"
"What did you mean when you told Twilight that you still have guardianship over us?" Cheerilee blinked in confusion.
"It means I have guardianship over you four. Simple as that." Noah frowned, still not understanding.
"Right. Since when to do teachers have guardianship over their students who are clearly adults?" Cheerilees eyes widened in sudden clarity, like someone who realized the condom broke mid-orgasm.
"Oh! You wouldn't know this. In Equestria, teachers act as a third guardian over their students. This includes extracurricular times as well."
"So...you have the same authority as a parent? Even outside of school?"
"That is correct," she replied, a motherly smile adorning her face.
"Hm. Alright." Noah dropped his head, looking back to and resuming his test, accepting this without any questioning whatsoever because it made perfect and total sense to him. Cheerilee smiled and looked over the classroom full of precious students for a few moments before picking up the days paper and resuming her reading.
"So you want the four of us," Noah said, gesturing to his friends, "to go to a formal diplomatic meeting?" Twilight rolled her eyes at the question.
"No, the princess wants you to go to a formal diplomatic meeting."
"Look," Adam said, "I'm not going and that's final. I do stupid shit but I'm not senseless enough to attempt such an event, so later peeps." With that, he showed himself out of the library, using his beard to open and close the door. Twilight opened her mouth to object, but knowing what she did about Adam, she knew that letting him go was for the best.
"Right, well that leaves three of you. You need to study," she said, her horn glowing as she levitated the small mountain of books she had picked out (had Spike pick out) just for them, "all of these by next month." With a loud thump, the book pile fell down in front of them. They all stared at the pile, then looked at Twilight. Tyler, standing slightly in front of his smaller friends, then looked at each of them in turn.
"That's not happening, Twilight. I'm sorry, but we're not going to study," he bent over, picking up the top book, "'Proper Handkerchief Etiquette.'" He looked at her with an 'is dis nigga serious?' expression, which she returned with disbelief.
"WHAT!? Guys, this isn't like going to meet a date or something, this is an actual formal event! This could quite possibly be one of the single most important events you'll ever attend! You need to know everything you can about these kinds of things before you go."
"No," Noah replied, "we don't. Andre and I are fine under pressure, and Tyler doesn't quite give a crap. If they have an issue with us, then too bad. We'll go for the sake of being able to say we did and meeting people from other nations, but we're not going to do," he gestured to the pile of books, "this. Right guys?" They both nodded their heads and gave verbal confirmation of what Noah said.
"I mean," Andre said, "it's not to be disrespectful, it's just that none of us have that kind of dedication, nor do we really care. We're all pretty well acquainted with formal scenarios to be able to bullshit our way through it anyway, right guys?"
"NO!" Twilight shouted fearfully. "You can't just leave something like this up to faking it! This is WAY too important!" It was evident that she was freaking out. Not only was her voice loud, but her mane was becoming slightly disheveled.
"I don't think you know who you're talking to," Noah said, stepping forward. "I am the master BS-er. I have BS'd every essay I have ever written with the exception of a very select few, and I have learned how to talk so that I sound competent when I'm really not." Tyler and Andre began to chuckle. "On a particular subject," Noah corrected upon realizing what he'd said.
"But...b-but-"
"I'm sorry Twilight. But you're asking each of us to read more books in a month than we have our entire lives." Tyler tried to sound apologetic.
"Well," Andre said, "I could pro-" His sentence was cut off by Noah placing his hand over Andres mouth.
"Shhh! Just don't," Noah whispered.
"I, you...alright, fine." Twilight began to put the books back. "But you'll at least dress nice, right?"
"Well of course we will," Noah replied. "We wouldn't want to show up unprepared, would we?"
A/N:
Thanks for talking about my genitals guys.That really means a lot to me.
I'm gonna play the role of the $10 hooker and say that I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole.
What if I pay double?
Ugh...saddle up cowboy, this is gonna be a bumpy ride.
“And as you can clearly see, the cell wall is thick, and bigger than the cell membrane of animal cells.”
It was another boring day in Bio101. If it wasn’t for the fact that the class and the labs were 4 credits apiece, I would have totally dropped the class. I already knew so much about Biology, and it was so easy, I could not, for the life of me, stay focused. I mean, there I was, perfect grades in every Chemistry class I had ever taken, and I was being subject to a class that I took four years earlier as a Freshman in High School. It was murder. I had even started hitting myself on the head to a steady beat to keep myself conscious. How anyone could be satisfied with something so simple and unchallenging, I thought I would never know. Maybe one day I would be able to rationalize it while falling asleep, bored. Speaking of, for several days beforehand, I had been having marvelous dreams. OH! What was that one? The one where I was walking through the forest, and – OH YEAH! The Predator came out, but he was pink. And he took off the mask, and it was a sexy girl. I moved up to her to try and lay down some smoothness. She ended up Sparta kicking me right in the chest, but like slow motion kind of. And then, I started falling.
Falling.
Falling.
I awoke with a start. It was not every day that you startle yourself awake from a dream. I did not bother opening my eyes, it wouldn’t matter anyway; the professor knew I didn't pay attention. The feeling was uncomfortable to say the least. I propped myself up on one arm, my elbow on the desk, my hand on my left cheek. It was a lot less comfortable this time, though. But at the same time, it was pleasant. I was so immersed in my own thoughts that I had managed to drone out the professor! Great , I thought, now that I am aware of it, I am gonna lose it and start hearing her again. Whatever . But, her voice didn’t come. Perhaps I was far enough out of consciousness that I could tune her out. It was definitely nice. I was a little warm, but that was ok. It was kind of nice, silence, warmth, birds singing. The birds were always pleasant in Northern Virginia. The breeze was also very pleasant. Wait. Breeze?
I opened an eye and I could not believe what the photons that were being registered by my eyes told me. I was now in the middle of a field. A freaking. Field. There were beautiful daisies, and wild flowers, and 3 inch high grass for a mile. There was also a forest roughly, I want to say, a hundred fifty, maybe two hundred meters to my left. This was startling, so much so that I fell out of my chair. I started hyperventilating, and looking around wildly. This had to be a dream. I pinched myself to the point where I almost yelped. I was still in there. I got up, taking in the beautiful scenery. Everything was so rich in color, as though someone went into Photoshop and magnified the intensity of the colors. The apparent beauty didn’t deter my sense of rationalization, as I could not yet define any form of realism from my current predicament relative to my previous one. I mean, how the heck was I supposed to conform to this reality when simply being there in the first place violated the very concept of defined reality. It also violated many laws of physics, a subject in which I was very much learned. My head started to spin. Eventually I was able to regain my composure.
I picked up my backpack, and slung it over my shoulders. A 6 pound laptop, some loose leaf paper, and a pair of headphones were inside. I turned to the forest, and I noticed a small path - it couldn't even really be called a path, it was so slim. I figured it was better than aimlessly wandering a field, so I started walking towards it. It was a good thing I decided to wear jeans that day, otherwise it would have been excruciatingly uncomfortable to walk through the woods.
I walked for what seemed to be like 10 minutes, could have been more or less, and I came to a stream. It was roughly 10 feet wide, and looked like it was no more than 6 inches deep at any point. There was a small bridge about 10 meters up the trail, and while the trail continued off into the forest, I went over the bridge. I was tired of the forest already, as I was not much of a nature person, and the bridge implied that there would be civilization near my location. I continued for what could have been anywhere between an hour to maybe two, before the path came out to a clearing. There it was, what looked like a small village.
Perfect! These guys can probably tell me where I am and how to get back to Buena Vista ! I quickened my pace, and started toward the village. I was looking around, and I happened to glance to my right at the right moment to see what appeared to be a small horse call out to its child to call them inside, to which they complied. I stopped dead in my tracks. What in God’s name did I just witness? I looked back over and saw a friend of the child horse, a smaller one that was cyan in color and had, Good Lord, wings!? It picked up its toys and started back to, I assumed, its own parents. What the heck is going on? I asked this to myself in my own mind, half expecting an answer from divine inspiration, a moment of clear thought, or just a lucky guess. An inference, maybe? Nope. Nothing. Nothing at all. I remember a funny picture of Spiderman holding his hands out in front of him, close to the right side of the screen, and it was labeled “I’m gonna back away slowly, and come back when there’s less weird shit.” That’s pretty much how I felt. However, I decided it would be worth it to continue into the town.
I happened upon another horse, though honestly it was maybe 4 feet tall, so I suppose the proper word was pony. He had a dull purple coat and a violet mane, and he sported circular glasses and was chewing on a single piece of hay. He was also rolling a barrel along the ground in the opposite direction as me. He noticed me looking, and, naturally, I looked away. When we were about 4 feet away he stopped and he held out his hand, I mean, what, hoof? Yes, hoof. He extended his hoof to me, and he gave me a friendly smile.
“Hello, there, good sir! I don’t believe I’ve seen you ‘round here before!” he said, practically beaming. By this time I had reached out and shook his hoof, and finished the hand, hoof, whatever shake. “You new here?” I was thunderstruck by the fact that he spoke English, and not only did he speak English, he spoke it fluently, and in the same dialect that I was used to hearing. That was unbelievable.
“Uh, yeah, I guess. I don’t really know where I am. Could you help me?” I was a confident person, so I usually never had a problem asking friendly people for help. I was raised with the kindness and outgoing personality that all my West Virginian family shared, even if I didn't share the accent, and I also inherited a communication skill from growing up in a Mormon family. The talks in front of the congregation made one on one much easier, since the Youth knew what it was like to give a talk in front of 300+ people. But talking to this pony threw me off completely.
“Sure I could, I’d love to! You happen to be in Ponyville.” He said this with a remarkable pride, but it didn't seem prideful. Yet, there was definitely a way that he said it that stated ‘I love this place and think it’s the best!’
“Uh huh, and which state are we in?” He suddenly looked perplexed.
“Er, I guess, Equestria? It’s more of a country really, but you could think of it as a state, of peacefulness that is.”
“Right. So, um, are there any humans I can talk to?”
“ Any what?”
“Humans? You know, people? Like me?”
“Well see that’s the thing, I never really seen anyone or thing like yourself. I was gonna ask you what kind you are, but I was trying to do it in a non-rude fashion. “
“So you don’t know of any humans at all?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
“None at all.” This was absolutely horrible. There I was, alone, no bearings, in a land of brightly colored talking ponies, possibly the only human, no contact with my old home. Just. Freaking. Great.
“Well, thank you anyway, sir,” I said, my voice only slightly betraying my emotional unrest.
“You are very welcome. By the way, my name is Bailey.”
“Oh, uh, Noah. Nice to meet you.”
“Same. You have a nice day, Noah.”
“Have a better one.” I turned to walk away when I heard a very familiar voice ring out from my right.
“Holy shit. Noah?” I turned to the voice, and it was Tyler Howard. My best friend from back in Virginia. My heart jumped to see a familiar face, and one so close as well. He was standing behind a produce cart, and he started walking over to where I was standing.
“Well, shoot! Now I've seen two of you!” said Bailey, apparently standing behind me. He must have stopped when he heard my name. “How about that, eh?”
“Yeah, no kidding,” I replied. Tyler reached me and I stepped forward. I reached my hand out wide right, and we did our side five greeting, grabbed each other’s hands and pulled into a one armed hug kind of deal. But not like a regular hug. It was a manly hug. Shut up.
“Dude, Tyler, I am SO glad to see you! I have no idea what is going on!”
“Ok, this is gonna be hard to explain, maybe you should come with me-“ His statement was cut short. There was a rattling emanating from inside Bailey’s barrel. And - oinking?
“What in the?!” Bailey said, just as surprised as we were. He reached down and flipped the lid open. And out from inside of it crawled a large mass, blue-gray, and OH DEAR SWEET LORD, HOW THE BLOODY FRICK DID ADAM GET IN A BARREL!?!?!? Adam Davis was another really good friend of Tyler and I. He was a particularly fat man, so much so that I could silence the squeakiest of door hinges with a single drop of his grease-saturated blood. He also had the undeniable ability to grow a beard in ways that one could only describe as ‘epic’.
“Wait a minute, how the hell did you guys get into my barrel?”
“We didn’t, you fell out of it.” I was very annoyed at Adams stupidity. How could he be trying to make jokes at a time like this? Oh, right. He's Adam. Bailey was uncomfortable at this point, and started to walk off.
“Right, well, if it’s the same to you gentlemen, I’m gonna go now.”
“See ya, Bailey,” I said, giving a small wave.
“Right, I want to go back in my barrel,” Adam said.
Tyler finally found the words to speak; “Adam, how did you get in the barrel?”
"I climbed in. Jeez, and I thought I was supposed to be the retard of the group."
*sigh* "No, Adam, I mean why did you climb in the barrel?"
“Tis an epic tale, filled with scantily clad women and alcohol!”
A/N
Every chapter will have an authors note. Also, this is my chapter, the others are coming soon. What? "Who's 'me?'" OH! Right, the authors are color coded in this section.
Nice one, dumbass.
Shut up, Tyler! Now, obviously Tyler is blue. I, Noah, am red, Andre is brown because he is black, and Adam gets silver because he's been absent like a loser.
This is true. I am black.
View Online
Next Time, I'm Staying My Ass at Home (revised)
Click. Click. Click.
Slowly and methodically, I pressed the right arrow key of my laptop. Click . With each press, the bright screen would darken, then light up again portraying a different picture. Each as unfunny as the last. Click . Gore. Click . Stupid pun. Click . Attention whore. What was the Internet coming to? Was it too much to ask for a few funny pictures that hadn’t been posted dozens of times before? I shook my head in disgust, promising myself that if something funny didn’t show up in the next picture I’d throw my laptop into the trash. Click .
As the page loaded, my eyes were met with a dazzling array of colors. A collection of smiling faces on equine bodies greeted me, and I knew I had wandered into yet another “My Little Pony” post. I sighed, burying my face into my hands and shutting my laptop with a snap. I could not for the life of me understand the appeal behind these multicolored creatures. You want to watch cartoons? Fine, I get it. I had my fair share of nostalgic “guilty pleasures,” but to be so obsessed with a modern-made show marketed for little girls? That’s where they lost me. “Bronies,” they called themselves, posting hundreds upon hundreds of captioned pony art on image hosting sites around the net. The phenomenon was both interesting and off-putting in a way.
I stood up from my chair and stretched, working out the stiffness that had built up over an hour of surfing the web. Looking through my window I noticed the sun peeking out from behind a row of houses. Nothing like watching a suburban sunrise to make you feel like a grade-A night owl. I decided it wouldn’t do me much good to stay cooped up in my room all day, pondering the nonsensical nature of today’s society; so I threw on a pair of jeans and grabbed my trusty hoody, setting out for a morning walk through my neighborhood.
I don’t hate bronies. I see no reason to ruin whatever enjoyment they gain from watching a cartoon, so long as they don’t try to shove their candy-flavored rainbows down my throat. I was merely confused by the idea that they would exist. It was while mulling over this puzzling concept that I found myself walking down the old bike trail that led through a patch of woods. I was subconsciously drawn to the trail, although not without reason. The trail reminded me of old times, back when my brother and I would ride our bikes everyday, breathing in the beautiful scenery and just talking about life. Those days are long gone now, though. He has his own life, and I have mine. I guess that’s just the way things turn out.
The rising sun painted the sky a brilliant orange, bathing my surroundings in a warm glow. On a whim, I veered off the trail, heading into the woods. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe I wanted to make my rare outdoor excursion last a bit longer. Maybe I was craving a little adventure. Whatever the reason was, I found myself regretting it very soon after. The ground was uneven and I was constantly stumbling. Everything was wet with dew, and my sneakers were becoming uncomfortably damp. My glasses were getting flecked with droplets of moisture and dust particles. Things were constantly brushing up against my face, and my mild arachnophobia automatically assumed I was diving into a thicket of spiderwebs. As beautiful as the forest was, with the sunrise making the colors look especially vibrant, I was only interested in getting back to my house. Unfortunately, I made a wrong turn at some point during my excursion, which resulted in a complete loss of my bearings. I had no idea which way led back to the trail, and I was becoming less and less familiar with my surroundings as I moved on.
Cursing under my breath, I tried in vain to recognize even a single landmark. Had I passed that tree before? Was that the same rock I had seen a few minutes before? Try as I might, I could find no indication of which way was correct. At this point I severely regretted not grabbing my phone when I left. Google maps would have been extremely useful right about then. I could just picture it sitting on the floor in my room, plugged into the wall despite being at pretty much full charge. Mocking me.
I grumbled and stomped through the woods, hoping to find some shred of civilization. For what felt like hours (but was probably closer to a few minutes) I was met with nothing but the cruel immensity of mother nature. Finally, I'd had enough. Taking a quick glance around, I spotted a tall looking tree with a few low branches. Perfect. I rubbed my hands together and jumped into the air, grabbing onto it's lowest branch. My upper body strength wasn't exactly what it used to be, so it took me a couple of moments to pull myself up. When I had succeeded in reaching branch #1, I got to work on branch #2. I felt foolish, climbing a tree like I was a little kid, but it was a strangely nice feeling. Now I wasn't climbing that tree because I lost my mind and thought I was monkey. I figured that getting high enough would give me a nice vantage point to see where the nearest block of houses was. It's just a patch of trees , I reasoned, it can't be that big.
Oh how wrong I was.
As I reached the highest branch that I felt would comfortably support me, I finally took a look at the forest that had been giving me grief for so long. My jaw dropped. As far as I could see, a blanket of trees was stretched out before me. In the distance I could see a range of jagged mountains. Panicking, I frantically looked to either side of me, praying to see something normal. Instead, I saw more and more trees. "No no no no no no no..." I mumbled, my stomach feeling queasy with anxiety. This wasn't right, these weren't the woods I had entered. I made a full 360 degree turn, searching for any sign of other people. Unfortunately my extreme anxiety made my legs wobbly, and I couldn't manage to keep my balance on the branch. With a surprised yell and much arm flailing, toppled out of the tree, apparently hitting EVERY SINGLE BRANCH on the way down. With a resounding thud, my back slammed into the dirt, and I laid there dazed for a few moments.
A myriad of questions swam through my head, so many that I couldn't even begin to start articulating them. So instead I shut that part of my brain off, until the time came that I could sort through them and make sense of this extraordinary situation. For now, I crawled up off of the ground and dusted myself off. Looking up to the sky, I took note of the sun, which had finished it's beautiful sunrise and was now hanging awkwardly above the treeline, and I set off in the opposite direction. I wasn't just choosing a random direction and barreling forward blindly, hoping to run into someone. I had seen something very interesting as I was turning up on that branch, right before I fell. It was only a glimpse, but it was enough for to be sure. A village, to the west of my position. I didn't know if it was friendly, or inhabited, but it was my only option.
After trekking for maybe 15 minutes (it was hard to tell without my phone to give me the time), I began to get the distinct feeling that I was being watched. Not only that, but the beauty of my surroundings had long outlasted their novelty, and the true harshness of the environment was starting to make me feel uneasy. I would hear the cries of animals in the distance, the rustling of wind through the trees, and behind it all the steady thump of my heartbeat in my ears. Snap! The sound of branch breaking underfoot. I whipped my head around toward the source of the sound, but of course there was nothing there. Even so, I stayed still for the next few moments, listening intently for anything that might betray something nearby. After a while I decided to continue, but I wasn't convinced that what I heard was just nothing. I still felt a pair of eyes boring into the back of my skull.
I hardly made it more than a few steps before I caught something white moving in the corner of my eye. My heart jumped and I flinched, ducking and raising my hands to protect myself, but a blow never came. Confused, I lowered my hands and scanned the area for the white object that had freaked me out. A couple of yards away from me, in a very small clearing, I spied the culprit. A devilishly cute rabbit, it's coat as white fresh snow, limping along with difficulty. Curious, I slowly approached the creature, but as soon as it heard me coming it squeaked with surprise and tried to run away. Instead it just stumbled into the dirt, and eventually gave up and looked back up at me with a pair of sad, dark eyes.
All of my D'aww.
"Don't worry, little guy." I whispered, trying to reassure the the injured rabbit. "I'm not going to hurt you" The bunny seemed to understand, and it stopped trembling as it's expression became one of hope. "That's right buddy, you're safe..." I continued, slowly reaching out to pick up the creature.He gave me what I assume was a smile, but almost instantly it eyes widened and it's bunny face displayed a look of sheer terror. I was confused until I heard another Snap , this one directly behind me. Without thinking I scooped the rabbit up off the ground and tucked it to my chest, throwing myself to the side and rolling out of the clearing. Just in time, too, because right before I lost sight of the clearing, I could make out a dark shape pouncing, landing where I had been just moments before.
I heard snarling and howling coming from multiple sources now, I realized then that I had been led into a trap. A pack of hunters had been tracking me since I started walking, and their hunt wasn't over. I leaped off of the ground, still cradling the terrified bunny in my arms, and set off in a dead sprint away from the snarling beasts. I could hear them barking and yelping behind me, but I knew couldn't afford to turn around and check how close they were. My chest was heaving and my legs were burning. I wasn't used to jogging, let alone sprinting through a forest with a pack of animals at my heels. The only that kept me going was the realization that my life was in legitimate danger. Adrenaline pumped through my veins, allowing me to blaze through the woods while avoiding trees and keeping my footing. But I knew it wasn't enough. I could hear the creatures getting closer, and I was quickly running out of juice. I heard a triumphant snarl, and felt a tug at the back of my sweater.
This is it I thought to myself, This is how I die. I was resigned to the fact that this would be my last day. Someone must have been watching over me, however, because with a terrific tearing sound, I felt the pressure against my back release. With a final burst of energy, I dove forward in between a pair of trees and slammed into the ground, rolling for a few feet before stopping. For a moment I stayed curled up, my body tense and anticipating an attack. When no pain came, I finally opened up my eyes, to see I had finally made it out of the forest. Just inside the line of trees I could see maybe 4 or 5 wolves, all watching me with pure hatred in their eyes. They didn't dare leave the shadow of the forest, and that was a lucky break that I decided not to question. I was alive. I stood up on wobbly legs, feeling giddy about my close call, and looked at the rabbit in my arms. It was unconscious, but still breathing. With one last look at the forest, and seeing the wolves retreating into it's depths, and turned and walked toward the village in the distance.
After 20 minutes of ~~walking~~ limping, I was finally close to the village. I didn't even think we had villages like this in Virginia. It was odd, but at the same time peaceful. I looked down at the rabbit and it was still out cold. I noticed that it looked odd though. Like, it was white. Like, it was whiter on the outside than I am on the inside, which is pretty white. I looked up and noticed that the town was weird looking, even more so than I previously thought. All the colors were.... full. Like, they were brighter than I thought was normal, everything seemed brighter and more potent than what one would normally expect. As I drew closer, I saw someone walking towards me pushing a barrel. Perfect, I thought with relief, He can probably tell me where I am! I quickened my decrepit pace a little bit, and was finally able to reach the speed of a retarded watermelon. Eventually I was close enough to see the mans face. As if my day couldn't get any stupider...
It was a pony. Not just any pony, but a Little Pony. Of the My variety. I froze, my mouth slightly agape, and he rolled up to me and stopped. He looked over at me with surprise.
"Oh, well how about that! There's loads of you things today!" he exclaimed.
It was at this point that my brain finally snapped. The sheer confusion and the absurdity of the situation forced me into a state of shock, and my rational brain said "Screw it," deciding to accept the obvious hallucination as reality.
"Have you seen others like me?" I asked, desperate for an answer, even if it came from a miniature cartoon horse.
"Yeah, there were three others over in town." he replied, pointing in the direction of the little village.
"Thanks." I mumbled to the kind pony, before doubling my efforts of mobility up to 'incapacitated lemon'.
Despite my mental numbness, the fact that there were other humans in this situation relieved me greatly. The infinite questions that had been lurking under the surface of my mind before started to bubble up again. All I had to do was find these other people, and we could find the way home together.
I reached the edge of town and I looked around, and saw them; a trio of humans in the midst of an equine rainbow. I resumed my lemon pace with renewed vigor. I closed roughly half the distance before I heard a loud noise. BANG! Then, everything went dark.
A/N
You got lucky this time, Andre. Next time it could be the cops.
Why would I worry about the cops finding me? Is it because I'm black?
I was actually referring to the first degree murder and perjury charges.
Man, those guys had it coming. They was talking shit, I'm innocent.
Alright, fuckers, Adam here. Tyler and Noah are too busy jacking each other off so I'm going to use my beard powers to entertain you guys. HHHHHNNNNNGGGG
WHAT THE, WHERE AM I?!
Hahaha, simmer down, Twilight! You're with Adam and I, we have to entertain the Bronies!
What? Pinkie, where are we? Why is Adam here, and what is a 'brony'?
All you need to know is that you gotta wear these socks.
Uhm, what?
Nevermind. Just say something funny.
Tiddlywank.
That will do. HNNNNGGGG
*POP*
OK, who next?
Uh I don't know, how about -whisper-
GENIUS.jpg! HHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGGG
Woah, wait, I didn't use my teleportation powers!
Hiya Lightspeed, how's it going?
Pretty good. Why did you guys bring me here? I was in the middle of seeing what happens in Dreams Do Come True, and suddenly I'm here! If I ever want to travel to different dimensions, then I could just do it myself.
ADAM! WHAT THE SHIT, MAN!? WE CAN'T HAVE THE FUCKING READERS IN OUR GOD DAMNED FICTION! Lightspeed, I'm terribly sorry but you gotta leave, dude.
If you were fucking sorry then you'd get on with the next chapter of Absence of Logic, dickweed. Seriously you guys keep less promises than Obama.
Look, I hate to admit it, but he's right, Tyler.
Psst. Adam. Popcorn?
Omnomnomnomnom
Look, we're working on it.
Yeah I see through your shit, dude. You guys put out like four new stories in the past FIVE DAYS dude! Quit the bullshit and get on with what we came here for!
OK, fine, tomorrow for sure. Can you please leave now?
Sure. BZZZZT
Adam, STOP LETTING PEOPLE IN HERE!
Tyler, shut the hell up. Your God cannot help you now, so show some respect.
....
Fucking thought so.
/)(\
