A Series of Unfortunate Events (Edited)
Queen Chrysalis sits at a table in a small, brightly colored building, an aura of self-confidence and humbleness around her as she accepts a cup of water from Pinkie.
Taking a sip, she centers herself and begins to speak into a recorder after setting up a soundproof bubble so as to not disturb the crowded bakery.
"My tale of woe started with my birth."
She involuntarily imagined the indescribable pain from a crying and screaming adorable Bug Baby Chrysalis as her parents tried to comfort her with everything possible, including the kitchen sink.
She grits her teeth at the high-pitched screaming, trying to not throttle her imaginary self.
"OH, FOR PONY'S SAKE, FAST FORWARD BEFORE I KILL MYSELF!! Ugh, finally. Sorry about that, everyone.
Not my physical birth, no, but my metaphorical birth as a famous actress for a show that you've definitely heard of."
She stopped at the opening of the Season Two finale's theme song.
"My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
There were plenty of the latter on the show.
There was Rarity working.
Twi organizing her library.
Miss Perfect Celestia stopping the Smarty Pants fiasco."
She chuckles.
"Discord's craziness with his and Spike's game nights."
Groaning in exasperation with a grin, she shakes her head.
"Teacups. SO. MANY. TEACUPS!"
She stares at the recorder in front of her, the grin slowly slipping off as she remembers everything else that happened.
"But there were close to zero of the former off of the show.
When I got thrown out of Canterlot, I had missed the landing pad by a longshot, almost shattering my legs. Fortunately, Changelings are a lot stronger than we look."
Her eyes waters at the incoming memory: Their tortured screams were echoing off of the trees as the clones' pale blue tears and dark red blood fell to the ground, seeing from the corner of her right eye Rainbow and AJ covering Fluttershy's eyes and ears while restraining her. The rest of the cast there that day weren't doing any better themselves.
"Th-then, I got traumatized by the, ra-rather graphic destruction of the Mean 6 clones a-and..."
She takes a trembling sip of water.
"I-I had to go to a Changeling therapist for a long time afterwards.
After that, it NEVER got any better.
I nearly got killed twice, during "To Where and Back Again" and the show's penultimate finale by Starlight. She repaid me both times by staying with me as I was able to calmly and quickly recover in my own house during the weekends.
And finally, getting turned back from stone and then having to spend the weekend in the hospital screaming in excruciating, sobbing agony while my family, the mane actors (heh), Cozy Glow, and Tirek comforted me in every way they knew how.
They cast pain-numbing spells, told jokes and "glorious" stories, gave animals to snuggle me, and fed me some of the most delicious food I've ever eaten, even though they (especially, Tirek and AJ) said afterwards that it was just the same food that they've always served for special occasions.
I will find their true secret, though."
Chrysalis finally, lightly grins at the memories, before her face went blank at the next thought.
"In the end, those were NOT fun times."
She grinds her teeth, struggling to hold in her anger.
"Practically nonexistent in that last case.
Oh, and this one is going to be utterly rage-inducing, at least for me.
That BLASTED time travel episode?
Not even the real me.
They had to use motion capture with THE Twilight Sparkle because, and this is a direct, bucking quote "But you're so expensive."
Ugh.
What a horn-flappy-head.
...
What?
You thought I was going to go on an epic, profanity-filled rant where I curse out the producers at Hasbro, life, the universe, and everything, right?
Eh. I already tried that. Multiple times, in fact.
I'll even dare say that I stopped at fourty-two.
Got tired of feeling all that anger and rage all the time.
Now, getting back on track...
I'm sure you have seen the episodes and read the books.
Forgive me if flushing the comics with me in them down the toilet after wiping myself rubs some of you the wrong way."
Laying her head on the table, she stares into the distance, replaying the most recent time she had fun with her family.
"Flipping through my first comic, I snicker at the images of me and my Changelings having to put up with the CMC, knowing that, next to their sisters, I'm actually their favorite friend and honorary Crusader. Using page 11, I wipe myself and flush it down the toilet.
The sound follows me into the bedroom where I usually cuddle with my husband and children. He sometimes passes me another comic when we play a ridiculous game where we blurt out a random number below 90, and if it matches with the page we're reading at the moment, we tear it out and feed it to the fire. If not, we have to put on an embarrassing piece of clothing.
Anyway, you're not here to hear about my complaints."
Straightening her back, she looked from the window in Sugarcube Corner out to Main Street, where Changelings and Diamond Dogs and Ponies and Wendigos all live in harmony, the Sombra twins currently entertaining a group of foals who had just bought some ice cream from a Wendigo.
"You're here to hear how I'm going to escape Hasbro, and hopefully take as many Ponies and Changelings and Dragons and so on, with me as possible."
Taking a closer look, she noticed, yet again, the slightly too-wide smiles, the quicker than normal hoofsteps, the overpowering urge to laugh harder and more often until you can't.
She also noticed Cheese Sandwich and a Pinkie clone as he was silently restraining tears from having to yet again hurt her feelings while they disappeared into that episode.
To smile just a little bit more until your cheeks hurt.
Her and Thorax and Pharynx spotted each other, silent sobs wracking both of the latter's bodies as they pretended to be joyful for their Queen.
To pretend that your heart WASN'T just shattered, yet again, by the powers that be telling you that, 'No, you can't get married, because royalty is married to their people."...
She noticed Twilight sob her heart out on Spike's shoulder.
"Well, strap yourselves in, all you humans that are reading this. It's going to be a heck of a ride, leading to our escapes..."
She gulped and took another nervous sip of her 'Love and Hay' smoothie, gladly taking the plate of offered sweet biscuits from a sadly smiling Pinkie Pie, who quickly buried it under a laugh and ponked her way back to the counter, ready to help a friend in need.
"I hope."
Author's Note
Was inspired by the following:
https://www.deviantart.com/ringteam/art/MLP-71-Changelings-are-not-great-anymore-675268295
Also, I have a rough outline, but I'm going to need help.
