Old Friends

by False Door

Rating: mature
Tags: Sad, Starlight Glimmer, Romance, Trixie, Profanity, Sunburst, Violence, Sex, Narcotics, Twilight Sparkle, Young Six, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 8806

Starlight loses her old flame, Sunburst to Trixie. Jealousy and reawakened bad memories send her sliding back into old patterns of violence, manipulation and self-destruction.

Starlight invites Sunburst to Ponyville for the holiday season, intending to finally put the moves on him. Unfortunately, her friend Trixie appears to have unknowingly beaten her to the punch. Her worst fears are realized as the two continue to become closer behind the scenes while she's distracted by work until winter break. Confronted with the harsh truth that they are in love, Starlight is torn between the urge to sabotage their relationship and respecting their free will as a good friend. But as the fear of losing Sunburst again opens up old wounds, Starlight struggles to keep from relapsing into old patterns of violence, manipulation and self-destruction.

The gore and suicide/self harm tags are not checked because there technically is none in the story. However, Starlight staves off many intrusive thoughts and fantasies about hurting herself and others. She also becomes apathetic toward her own wellbeing. Just to be clear. She is written as having borderline personality disorder.

Another milestone: My stories are now collectively over 100k words! 🎉

Here's the playlist for the story.

The essential ten…

Stupid - Brendan Maclean
My December - Linkin Park
Paint it, Black - The Rolling Stones
Sweating Bullets - Megadeth
good 4 u - Olivia Rodrigo
Blue Monday - Orgy
Tears from the Moon - Conjur One
Until it Sleeps - Metallica
In the Air Tonight - Phil Collins
Boulevard of Broken Dreams- Green Day

Update 1/29/23:
Out of the blue I was inspired to add an epilogue to this story several months later after writing like five or six other stories since. That's never happened to me before. Weird...

Published 2022-04-11 06:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-01-30 01:10:15 UTC

Chapter 1

The air in Starlight's office was filled with fluttering papers. They danced and ruffled into neat little stacks on the floor, the only staging space large enough to accommodate the last minute project.

She was already late for dinner, which was stressful, but her joyfulness spurred her on in her work. It was Sunburst's first time visiting her in Ponyville, and though things were already not going to plan, the promise of spending Hearth's Warming with him filled her with an uncharacteristic levity. She sighed dreamily as she scribbled down half-baked notations in boxes she'd planned on filling out later. She needed to prepare take-home progress reports for the few students leaving early for winter break.

Starlight clicked the stapler on the corner of every stack in a staccato assembly line process and slipped each one into its own big envelope. Now she just hoped that Twilight Sparkle would cover the rest. She threw on her scarf and beanie, not worrying if it would look too presumptuous to her.

In a blink, she aparated outside of Twilight's office with her stack of labeled envelopes and knocked on the door.

"Enter," came a muffled and alarmingly flat voice from within.

Starlight pushed her way inside, floating her stack with an awkward grin. "Hey, Twilight, could you do me a huge favor? I finished all my reports, well, the ones that needed immediate attention anyway. Could you maybe deliver them for me? Sunburst just got into town and I'm supposed to be having dinner with him and Trixie right now."

"Oh, of course," replied Twilight. "I'm not even busy at the moment."

"Oh, thank you so much!" she gasped in relief. "I gotta go. See you later."

Starlight teleported into town, then once more to the restaurant. She stopped and smiled through the front window where the grills on the glass had piled picturesquely with little white snow parabolas. There in the warm glow of the candles and firelight, she could see Trixie and Sunburst laughing and between them an empty chair waiting for her.

Things were going well. What a relief, thought Starlight. She looked at her own reflection, teasing her mane into place, then hurried inside, making sure to stamp off the little bit of snow collected on her hooves. She pranced straight to their table.

"Hey! So sorry I'm late," she announced breathlessly.

"Starlight!" chimed Sunburst. He got up to hug her before she sat down.

"We already ordered," said Trixie. "But we saved you a menu."

"Thanks," replied Starlight, scooting in her chair. "I was not as caught up as I thought I was. I'm so glad I invited Trixie. You'd have been so bored waiting alone."

Sunburst adjusted his glasses. "Oh, we were having a great time. She was telling me about all of the places she's been. Some of the furthest reaches of Equestria."

"She does get around," laughed Starlight, cracking open the menu.

He turned back to Trixie. "So have you been to Saddle Arabia by chance?"

"Oh, yeah," she replied. "I go there all the time."

"Really?"

"Sure. In fact I'm a favorite of the sultan. I perform at his palace every time I visit."

"So have you been to any of the temples then?" he asked excitedly.

"All of them," she replied smugly, swirling the wine in her glass. "I can go pretty much wherever I want. They treat me like royalty over there."

His jaw dropped. "That's amazing! I'd give a leg to get inside just one."

"I bet I could get you in. You'd just have to come with me next time I go."

Starlight side eyed the two of them and scratched the back of her neck uncomfortably at the proposal. This all sounded a lot more interesting than anything she had to talk about. She quickly made her food selection and then tried to find a segue to pry her way into the conversation, maybe something about travel, but she'd only been to a hoofful of places in her life and the only interesting one was the one she didn't want to discuss with anypony.

"So how has work at Twilight's School of Friendship been?" he asked abruptly.

Starlight perked up, a sparkle in her eye. "Oh, I've been pretty busy with wrapping everything up before winter break. And so many students seem to come in at this time of the year. There are a lot more family issues. But I love being the guidance counselor there. It really feels like I'm making a difference."

Sunburst nodded. "That's nice to hear. You should show me around the campus while I'm here."

"Yeah, that would be great. So what are you working on?"

A sly smirk grew across Sunburst's face. "Have you ever heard of the lost civilization of Zi' Coatali?"

Starlight shook her head in bemusement.

Trixie raised her hoof excitedly. "I have!"

"You- you have?" he blathered. "Really?"

"The locals told me about it while I was passing through the jungles of Talcana and got stuck. It's a really funny story. I wasn't even supposed to be there," she laughed.

Starlight found herself on the outside of the conversation, listening to Trixie's travel stories with cultural and historical sidenotes from Sunburst. The two of them ate their food. Then she got her food slightly later which made her feel even more like an interloper. Before she knew it they were outside in the snow covered plaza, basking in the colorful glow of the big Hearth's Warming tree.

Sunburst yawned a big puff of steam. "Well, I'm pretty tired from the long trip. Think I'll turn in early tonight. We do have plenty of time after all. You can show me around tomorrow."

"Sure," agreed Starlight, trying to shake off the weird feeling. "I should be off earlier tomorrow. About five. I promise I'll show up on time," she giggled.

"Hey, I'm off all day," chimed Trixie. "I could get the tour out of the way and then you could use the rest of the time to do fun stuff."

Starlight's face fell. "Uh, well, the tour was… supposed to be part of the fun stuff. And you don't even… you know… live here really." she looked away and cringed, unsure of how to handle the dynamic of the situation.

Trixie looked at the ground and frowned. "Oh… No, that's fine. Whatever you want. You do it however you want."

"Why don't we just meet right here after work, Starlight," suggested Sunburst with a smile.

Starlight nodded slowly. "Yeah, that sounds good." Who was 'we' though, she wondered. All of them? Part of her was dismayed that she may have accidentally made Trixie a fixture of his whole visit when she wanted him mostly to herself. She'd already made an awkward comment and certainly didn't want to further agitate things by intentionally excluding her.

The three of them plowed through the holiday shopping crowds as they walked to Sunburst's hotel where they parted ways. Starlight sighed and cast a longing glance back at him, wishing she could just have a couple of minutes. Dinner did not go how she envisioned it. They'd barely interacted at all. But it was only the first night. Everything would be fine. She'd have her moment in the coming days.

Chapter 2

Yona sat on the floor pillow in front of Starlight’s desk, dubious of the chairs’ ability to accommodate her large yak frame. She had taken a meandering path, but was now finally coming to her point.

"Yaks no celebrate Hearth's Warming but Yona family want her to come home for break,” she sighed gruffly. “But Yona want stay in Ponyville and celebrate pony holiday with Sandbar family. But if Yona no come home, Yona family be angry."

Starlight glanced at the clock. She needed to wrap this up if she wanted to fit five more students in seventy-five minutes. "You're growing up, Yona. You're already living far away from home. I don't know how things work in Yak culture and I know family is always important, but at some point they'll have to recognize that you're an individual who needs to be allowed to make her own decisions. Balancing family and friends is something all of us have to learn how to do. But Yona, it's a long break, and Hearth's Warming is toward the beginning. You can just celebrate with Sandbar and then go home for the rest of the break.”

Yona's face lit up. "That great idea! Thank you, Miss Glimmer!"

Starlight smiled as Yona shot up and lumbered excitedly out of the room, probably to tell Sandbar the good news.

Little snowflakes gathered delicately in the fuzz of Starlight’s beanie as she scanned over the vibrant plaza. She found Sunburst under the big Hearth's Warming tree and to her chagrin, Trixie was there with him. When Starlight first imagined this moment, Trixie was not part of it, but of course she never explicitly stated that Trixie couldn't come. That seemed rude.

"Hey, you two," she greeted, making a concerted effort not to betray a hint of annoyance in her voice. Her eyes went to the ground where sat a paper bag. "Oh, did you do some holiday shopping?"

Sunburst blinked. "Huh… oh, no, we just did a little bit of antiquing. But don't worry. I still haven't seen much. We spent most of the day just talking at the cafe."

Starlight felt a pang of panic in her heart. Why are they doing things together… without me? They just met. I'm the mutual friend here.

"Forgot I still had this," he chuckled. "I'll just put it back in my room and we can go. Be back in a moment."

Sunburst, vanished in a flash of magic.

Starlight immediately turned to Trixie. "You hung out with him all day?"

"Yeah?" shrugged Trixie. "I didn't have anything else to do."

"You went antiquing with him? You don't even like antiquing."

"Sure I do."

Starlight squinted suspiciously at her.

Trixie looked away and pawed at a clump of snow at her hooves. "Well, he seems to think it's fun, so I thought I'd give it a try," she admitted.

Starlight sighed. "You know, I'm starting to feel a little-"

Suddenly, Sunburst reappeared next to her. "Alright. Where to first?"

Starlight stuffed her grievances deep down inside and put on a semi-genuine smile. "Let's go!"

The lights at town Hall were beautiful. So were the icicles at the frozen over fountain. They plodded through the winter section of the botanical gardens. Trixie never seemed to leave Sunburst's side which prompted Starlight to closely flank his other side as they walked, pointing out anything that looked interesting in hopes of getting his attention, in hopes of getting him to expound on anything he happened to know about so that she could smile, nod and ask more questions to hold him as long as she could before Trixie made another joke or a resonating observation.

Starlight showed Sunburst her new house, which of course Trixie had already seen a dozen times, but she at least feigned interest either to be nice or possibly to not feel excluded from the moment like she had done when she went antiquing with Sunburst.

Starlight ended the tour at the School of Friendship.

"It's so grandiose," marveled Sunburst, eyeing every inch of the magnificent foyer, the archways, the columns and the glowing enchanted torches. "It's brand new, but it really exudes an air of classical prestige."

"Is that Sunburst I hear waxing poetic about my school?" giggled Twilight from behind them. "I hope you're here for an interview. We've got teaching positions open."

"Who? Me?" he laughed, embarrassed.

"Of course."

"You'd be a great teacher," added Starlight.

"May- maybe."

"How long are you in town?" asked Twilight.

"A week."

"Aw, you'll be gone when I get back. How are you liking Ponyville though?"

"It's great. There's a lot more to see and do here than I thought."

After a short visit, they parted ways with Twilight and journeyed through the halls.

In Starlight's office, Sunburst examined the autographed poster of Trixie on the wall.

"So, Trixie, when is your next show?" he asked. "I'd love to see it."

"A day after Hearth's Warming. You'll still be in town. You have to come. I'll save you a free front row ticket and a backstage pass. I don't even have those," she giggled. "But I could just invent one for you. I'm sure I could think of something to show you back there."

"So, anyway," interrupted Starlight. "This is my office plant. Her name is Phyllis." She floated the potted plant in between the two of them, breaking their line of sight with one another.

At the end of the night, Starlight was dismayed that she still hadn't been able to just speak frankly with Sunburst on her own terms. Not only that, she still felt like an outsider to Trixie and Sunburst's night. The two mares left the hotel and Starlight walked downcast with Trixie back to her wagon.

"You were right," began Trixie, energetically. "That was actually pretty fun."

Starlight sighed. "Trixie, I don't know how to say this, but our old-friends-catching-up vibe here is kind of being derailed."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm kind of feeling like the third wheel in a situation that I arranged for Sunburst and me." She stopped short of saying that Trixie shouldn't have even been there, hoping that she'd just put things together herself and understand.

"That's not my fault," replied Trixie aghast.

"It… kind of is. You just tagged along without thinking about it and I think… maybe… you're overstepping your boundaries a little "

"My boundaries," she scoffed. "What are you talking about?"

See? I knew there was no way to have this conversation with her. "Sunburst. You know he's been my friend since we were little and you've been being a little flirty with him."

Trixie shrugged dismissively. "So? It's not like he's your coltfriend or something."

"Well… no, he's not right now but still, you can't just…"

Trixie blinked "Wait, did you… like him like that?"

"I, well…" she fumbled awkwardly. For fuck's sake, Starlight, she scolded herself. We're not in grade school. Just tell her. "Yes," she admitted flatly.

Trixie sighed a puff of steam as the two of them stopped at the steps of her wagon. "Starlight, if I'd had known that from the beginning I would have made sure not to cross that line but you had what? Like fifteen years to make a move or something? How am I to believe that you're suddenly serious this time? Are you sure you're not just jealous he's now my friend too?”

Starlight furrowed her brow. "Are you making a pass at him?"

"Yeah," she answered bluntly.

"Well, stop!" blurted Starlight, angrily.

"Wha- what? No! You can't just order me around."

Starlight's eyes narrowed. “Listen, Trixie, I’ve had a lot of shit going on in my life for a long time. I'm actually managing my issues now and things were starting to get better. I’m stable with a good job and I was finally able to start having healthy relationships with other ponies again. For the first time ever, I feel like I can put myself out there. My entire rehabilitation was building toward this moment and then what happens? You swoop in and-"

"I didn't swoop in,” interjected Trixie defensively. "It happened naturally. You invited me to come have dinner with him and then we really hit it off. We have chemistry and lots in common."

Starlight's eye twitched at hearing this. It almost seemed like Trixie had made better inroads with Sunburst than she had since her episode over his cutie mark, years ago.

“Wait," posed Trixie. "if you’re so upset about us spending time together alone, have you talked to Sunburst about it at all?”

“Well… no but-” Starlight became flustered. She knew she had a valid point. She just didn't know how to explain it.

“Of course you haven’t,” smirked Trixie. “Because what are you gonna tell him? He’s not allowed to date anyone and has to stay celibate or something for your theoretical relationship? Makes you sound like a possessive psycho.”

Starlight leaned into her face and glared. “Don’t… call me that,” she growled ominously.

Trixie took a step back. “I-I didn’t call you that. All I'm saying is that it's not just me. It's Sunburst too.”

“Well, if this is really something you’re willing to jeopardize our friendship over-”

Trixie's jaw dropped open. “What? The ball’s not in my court! It’s in yours! I'm not trying to upset you, really; I'm just trying to be happy. Why can't you just be happy that your friends are happy? You need to just let this go.”

Starlight stamped her hoof. "You're not listening to me," she hissed through clenched teeth.

Trixie rolled her eyes. "You don't have an argument. I'm not just going to cancel a relationship because you command me to."

"You don’t get it!” she spat. “You're putting a dagger in my heart!”

"Ugh. I can't talk to you when you're like this," groaned Trixie, climbing to her door. "Go cool down." She disappeared inside and shut the door with a huff.

Starlight stood alone in the snow, face flush, shaking with rage. "Of course I haven't talked to him about it," she muttered angrily. "I haven't had one second alone with him."

Hurt her, she thought.

What?

Go in there and choke her until she understands to back off.

I'm not going to do that! She's my friend… I think. And I don't do things like that anymore.

Then just teleport her and her stupid wagon to an abandoned wasteland where no one will ever find her.

Horrified, Starlight quickly turned around and left before any more intrusive thoughts could bubble up in her brain.

She went home, confused and distraught and rattled by the unexpected urge accompanied by a vivid fantasy of attacking Trixie.

Everypony has thoughts about violently assaulting someone, she assured herself, laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. But you aren't your thoughts. It's your actions that define you. You have the power to veto every idea that pops into your head and that's what I did and that was a good decision. I make good decisions because I'm a good pony now. No, she corrected herself. I'm a good pony now because I make good decisions. This seemed like an important distinction to make because being a good pony was a journey, not a destination. She couldn't lose sight of that and slip into complacency.

I'll be off from work soon and then there will be plenty of time to turn things around. Trixie will relent that she’s trespassing and we’ll just iron all this out.

But inside her was a pervasive sinking feeling.

Chapter 3

Starlight scribbled absently on a piece of parchment, the quill an outlet for her anxiety.

"I'm just worried all the time that my friends only like me because of my ability to be someone else and not because of who I really am inside," fretted Ocellus.

"Mmm-hmm," muttered Starlight.

The changeling's words melted into the warbling muffled sounds of a voice underwater as the counselor stewed over her own worries.

She was handicapped, trapped at work while Trixie and Sunburst could just run off and do whatever together alone. Though she knew that if it came down to a competition, even on a level playing field, she lacked the confidence and interpersonal skills to compete with Trixie or anyone else. This whole thing was exposing gaps in her abilities that she'd been pretending weren't there.

When she was respectful and demure, she disappeared into the background. When she was aggressive, she was off-putting if not terrifying. She couldn't find a grip between too tight and none at all.

“What should I do?” moaned Ocellus

The question jarred Starlight from her thoughts and she suddenly realized that she hadn’t been listening at all. The paper in front of her was filled with ink doodles of Trixie being smashed by boulders or shot with arrows, exes over her eyes.

What the fuck, she thought, disturbed by what she’d drawn without even being aware. It was like a window into her disgusting subconscious. She quickly crumpled the paper into a ball with her magic and whisked it away.

“Um, well,” she began, looking deep inside for a one-size-fits-all horoscope quality tidbit. “I think you’re doing a good job, all things considered,” she nodded. “I know that can be a struggle...”

“Yes, but is it right to be dating someone who only wants you to look and act like their ex?”

Starlight’s eyes bulged. Holy shit. What? She shook her head. “Uh, no. That sounds toxic. Don’t date anyone who only wants you to be someone else.”

Ocellus looked at the floor in shame. “What if… you’re not dating and it’s just something you do sometimes because you like the attention.”

Starlight frowned. “Don’t do that either. Like you said… Um… something about being worried no one appreciates the real you. That feeling doesn’t just go away. The more you feed it, the worse it’s going to get. Maybe a good exercise would be to give shapeshifting a break for a while after you come back from break. Don’t take requests; don’t do it at all unless you really need to. Just be you. See if that changes how students view you. See who moves on and who stays close. Those are the ones you want to be around.

Ocellus nodded with conviction. “Yeah, I can do that. Thanks a lot. Wow, you're really good."

"Am I?" she breathed inaudibly. "Have a good break if I don't see you, Ocellus."

"You too," she chimed before prancing out the door.

Almost immediately after, Twilight Sparkle poked her head inside. “Knock, knock," she announced. "Just came by to tell you I’m leaving now.” She’d planned on vacating a little early to the Crystal Empire and leaving Starlight in charge of the mostly closed school in her absence.

“Okay,” sighed Starlight.

“Thanks again for doing this.“

Starlight shrugged. “It’s just one and a half days admin left, and then make sure everything stays safe after that.”

“I know,” nodded Twilight, “but you know me; I worry. But I have confidence that the school will be in good hooves while I’m gone. Have a nice Hearth’s Warming. See you towards the end of break.” Twilight began to retract but Starlight quickly spoke up again.

"Um, before you go, can I run a problem by you that came up in one of my counseling sessions?

"Sure. What is it?" asked Twilight, slipping inside and shutting the door behind her for privacy.

"Well, one of the students has an old friend that they've known forever and the problem is that one of her new friends is getting very close to her old friend romantically. This student has feelings for the old friend that she has yet to express and she feels like her new friend is encroaching on their relationship."

Twilight's eyes rolled around in her head as she cogitated. "Hmm… If she's specifically jealous of their budding romantic relationship but didn't make her intentions clear to either of her friends before they got together, then it's fair play. There was nothing to 'encroach' on."

Starlight cleared her throat. "But don't you think there's a sort of sovereignty to the relationship between the old friends that the new friend should respect?"

Twilight considered this for a moment. "No. As long as the new friend isn't being greedy or trying to push them apart. She has to understand that her old friend is an individual with their own agency. If her two friends have mutual feelings for one another and they're both happy then I'm afraid although it may hurt, this is just something she has to get over. Hopefully she can."

Starlight's face fell. She felt like she'd been kicked in the stomach. Twilight had basically restated what Trixie had said, but with a cold objective logic that she couldn't deny.

"Oh… okay," replied Starlight, fighting to keep her throat from closing up and strangling her voice. "Thank- thank you, Twilight. That cleared it up."

"No problem," she smiled. "Oh, gotta get to the station. Later." Twilight vanished in a flash of magic, leaving Starlight alone with her horrible thoughts.

Starlight hung her head, studying the woodgrain of her desk. She'd naively hoped that Sunburst was a static creature. Something that would always be there waiting like a porcelain figurine high upon a shelf that she could get down whenever she was ready.

It didn't take her long before trying to justify needing a second opinion on the matter. Twilight didn't really have all the details of the story, Starlight reasoned to herself. Her ruling would have been different if I'd told her the whole thing. The Princess of Friendship and headmare and founder of a school of friendship can be… wrong about friendship. You know, maybe the problem is that this is actually more of a love question. Maybe I should ask Cadance. Trixie is in the wrong. She should have asked me about him. She shouldn't have just assumed. And how do I know if their feelings are mutual? Just because Trixie is after him doesn't mean he reciprocates. The unanswered question gave her a glimmer of hope.

Stepping into Twilight's horseshoes meant Starlight couldn't get away from work early. On top of that, she still had to do her Hearth's Warming shopping for everyone, including Sunburst and… Trixie, she supposed. Obviously she had to do it without them. The best time to get it done was right after work. She'd be ceding an entire day to them together alone and after hearing about Trixie's sordid intentions, the thought left her feeling sick.

In the late evening, Starlight wandered in and out of shops in a daze. Everything around her was so bright and flamboyant. She should have been ecstatic like she was with the promise of that first night before it all eroded. Now all she felt was despair and silent desperation.

She got Sunburst a book and Trixie a set of leg warmers. She'd shopped for everyone except for Twilight, which she could put off till later.

Walking down the street with her saddle bag, she passed a glowing arch at the edge of the park. It marked the entrance of the Hearth's Warming Walk, a holiday themed walkthrough exhibit with light up decorations.

As Starlight glanced at the attraction, she saw to her dismay, Trixie and Sunburst disappearing inside. She stopped in her tracks, mouth agape.

That's like… a romantic thing, she thought. I was going to do that with him. Her heart sank but she followed the two into the park at a distance. They were talking with each other but she couldn't make out a word they said. The path was marked with lit archways and lined with decorated trees and glowing dioramas.

Sunburst stopped to point out a display, no doubt making some historical comment to Trixie. Starlight's face was a picture of anguish but still she followed them further.

Eventually the two stopped to talk beneath an archway under a gridded veil of white lights. Trixie pointed up in surprise. Starlight's gaze followed her hoof to a sprig of mistletoe hanging above them. When she looked back down, Trixie was planting a chaste kiss on Sunburst's cheek.

Starlight pressed a hoof over her crushed heart. It felt as if the ground beneath her had crumbled away and she was falling, her stomach twisting in knots and then suddenly unfathomable white hot rage. Starlight clenched her teeth. How could she?

"I'll kill you," she seethed. She snapped off the biggest icicle in sight with her magic, as long as a leg, and trained it on Trixie's neck. She envisioned it traveling half way through her and getting stuck before she dropped to the ground. The gruesome premonition was enough to shock her back into her senses just as she hurled the icicle. Her flinch at the sudden awareness of her actions skewed her trajectory and the ice javelin shattered on a nearby tree. A small shard stuck out where it had penetrated the bark.

Starlight gasped at how close she'd just come to seriously injuring Trixie without a thought.

Startled by the sound, Sunburst and Trixie looked at the tree in bewilderment. Starlight vanished from the scene before anyone could notice her.

That night Starlight laid awake in bed, marinating in betrayal and pondering how quickly everything seemed to be unraveling. Her sense of self, her emotional stability, they were being rocked at the foundation by the threat of losing Sunburst again. It was the same old wounds. She never realized before. This wasn't healthy. She wasn't rehabilitated at all and she was more fragile than ever… and more dangerous.

Chapter 4

Starlight knocked somewhat modestly on Sunburst's door. The only other sound in the haunting early hours of the snow-dampened morning was her own dire breath. She waited anxiously for a while and was about to knock again when she heard the lock click. She swallowed as the door cracked open and a spectacleless Sunburst squinted groggily through the gap.

"Starlight?"

"Yeah, remember me?" she smiled weakly. "Sorry I didn't get to see you yesterday or really at all during your trip. I just stopped by to see if you'd want to play Dragon Pit, just like we used to." She floated the board game box in front of him.

"But it's four o'clock in the morning," he mumbled.

"I know, but I have time right now before I go to work."

He sighed. "I would like to but you know, we could just play after you get off from work with Trixie. It's better with more-"

"Sometimes it's best with just two players," she argued desperately.

Sunburst bit his lip in hesitation and for a heart stopping moment, Starlight considered the possibility that Trixie was actually in his bed as they spoke.

"Um… O-okay," he finally agreed, pulling open the door for her.

Starlight entered, allowing herself a premature sigh of relief. “Thanks.” She pulled the little table out from the wall, placing it between the only chair and the edge of the bed, all the while telling herself that this was an acceptable thing to do and only borderline crazy and desperate.

Starlight sat in the chair while Sunburst took the bed after lighting a lamp.

"You can go fir- What happened to your goatee?" she gasped, looking at Sunburst's abnormally naked chin.

"I-I just shaved it," he replied, touching the spot with one hoof.

"Why?" she frowned.

"No… no particular reason, just trying something different… Like it?"

"Yeah but… I liked it the way it was."

"Oh,” he muttered sadly. “I'll roll." He took the die and dropped it on the table, then moved his marker accordingly. Starlight did the same for her turn.

"It's really nice to have you here. I hope you're enjoying… everything."

"It's been very nice,” he agreed. “Thank you for showing me how nice it is."

Starlight smiled at him though he was unaware, gazing absently into the little volcano. "Remember when we were playing this when we were little and I tried to act out falling in the pit and broke my mom's decorative plate? Then we replaced it with a round piece of wood and hoped that she wouldn't look too close before we figured out how to do a restoration spell?"

Sunburst laughed as he moved his pawn. "Yeah. Then we finally put it back together but it looked kind of weird."

"I don't think she ever figured it out though," giggled Starlight. She rolled again and fell into the pit. "I miss those days," she continued in a suddenly somber tone. "They were… simple. You were my only real friend back then."

"Starlight?" he murmured, noticing her sudden shift in mood.

"Back then, did you ever wonder where we'd be at this point in our lives?"

"Of course. Doesn't everypony do that?"

Starlight nodded. "I think so. When you're that little, just starting out, it's like the entire world is open to you. There are so many paths you can take, so many futures you can have.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Did any of your futures… have… me in them?"

He looked straight into her. It felt like all the oxygen had been sucked from the room. He didn’t have to ask what she meant. Her eyes and her quivering lips said it all.

"I'd be lying if I said 'no,'" he replied with quiet conviction. "Is that… how you feel?"

"Yes," she nodded.

He looked back down at the volcano, dispirited. "How long?"

"It's hard to say. I knew for sure when I saw you again in the Crystal Empire, but it feels like it's always been there. Even when I was… gone, I never stopped thinking about you."

"It was the same for me," he replied, rubbing his face with one hoof. He shook his head. "I had no idea… Why now?"

"Because now was the right time for me. I've been a mess for so long and then I got it all together and I invited you here and it was going to be amazing… and then it was torture."

"I never thought you were a mess," he breathed.

"You haven't seen me at my worst. You hadn't seen me since high school."

"I wouldn't have said no," he argued.

"I felt like I owed it to you," she cried, knowing that that sort of mindset was unhealthy, something she'd steer a student away from.

"I never said anything either though,” he conceded. “I thought you viewed me as a brother and it would just make things weird."

She shook her head. "It doesn't even matter now, does it? None of this."

His apprehensive pause was the answer she feared more than anything.

Starlight was entitled to this relationship. She had history and seniority. Trixie was a usurper, a parasite. She was imperfect like her too, but the fact that she could just drop in and catch his eye in a matter of days was infuriating to no end and it highlighted just how stunted and dysfunctional Starlight was that she’d had to work her way up so far just to reach the bottom rung of the ladder.

"It still matters, Starlight, but… We can't be together like that now."

Before he could utter another word, Starlight grabbed his head with her magic and pulled him close to her. Over the game board, she pressed her lips to his.

When she released him, Sunburst fell back to the bed, eyes huge with shock.

"I'm- I'm sorry," she stammered. "That was way out of line. I still have trouble respecting everyone's free will." She stumbled out of her chair and began stuffing the game back in the box, fighting back tears. "I shouldn't even be here," she choked. "It's inappropriate now. I'm sorry."

Starlight put the lid on and vanished in a burst of magic.

Chapter 5

After her final day of work before her break, Starlight didn't seek to connect with Sunburst or anyone. She simply went home and cried and moped. She couldn't help but wonder how things would have turned out had she not invited Trixie to that dinner. Even if it was unintended, the feeling of betrayal was real and so very bitter, but so was the feeling of having done this to herself through her own folly. It would have been worth having him sit there alone and bored for twenty minutes to make that world of difference. She was losing him again, but it hurt so much worse this time.

Use a mind spell to drive a wedge between them, she thought. Easy. No one will ever know.

I'll know, she countered. Good friends don't selfishly sabotage relationships.

There came a knock at the door. Hesitantly she answered, opening it to see Mudbriar, Maud, Sunburst, and Trixie. A cornucopia of conflicting emotions washed over her but it was anger that took the wheel.

"Oh, good, you're here," chimed Sunburst.

Starlight's eyes rested intensely on Trixie, who was looking away uncomfortably. "Oh, well if it isn't a bunch of happy friends who all met through me," she grumbled.

"Technically I met Maud through my own serendipitous merit and by extension the others," corrected Mudbriar.

"We wanted to see if you'd like to go ice-skating with us," asked Sunburst.

She truly wanted to go and spend time with her friends, especially Maud and Mudbriar, who hadn't stabbed her in the back. Not to mention, further isolating from the situation felt like she was conceding defeat to Trixie. But on the other hoof, she couldn't stand the thought of being with Trixie and Sunburst at the same time, especially with the looming sensation of losing grip on her darkest impulses. One more episode of jealousy and she might do something she could never take back.

She exhaled with feigned indifference, determined to hurt as much as she could. "Well I'd love to go with you, but we're not all self employed magicians and freelance scholars. Got a lot of responsibilities and such."

The tentative smile on Sunburst's face evaporated into crushed disappointment.

"But don't worry, you'll have fun without me," added Starlight coldly. "You seem to be very good at that." She shut the door abruptly ending the conversation.

For a moment everyone just stood in silent shock. Finally Sunburst turned to the rest of the group.

"Um… Why don't you all go to the lake and I'll catch up with you." He waited for them to depart before knocking on the door again. "Starlight? It's just me. Can we talk?"

But Starlight had already left.

Starlight paced around her school office, fuming. "You could have just gracefully bowed out," she grumbled to herself. "It wasn't necessary to be an asshole. But how can they just think we can all move on like everything's the same as always? Like we can all still be friends? My feelings don't even matter!" She drove a hoof through the drywall. She stared into the dark hole she'd made, seething, unable to define the exact origin of her anger. It was just everything. "Shit," she breathed.

Starlight went to her desk and began rummaging violently through the drawers. She yanked the middle one open with her magic and saw something that stopped her cold in her tracks.

Well, if it isn't my other old friend.

She found the unopened bottle of spiced rum laying on its side but it was noticed secondarily to the alluring metallic shimmer in the drawer. Within the chaotic jumble of office supplies she made with her carelessness was a now scattered packet of razor blades.

She'd almost gotten to the point where she just viewed them as ordinary tools like rubber bands or binder clips with no viceral memories attached. She was able to have them right there in her desk, even forgetting about them most of the time. Every single day she’d manage to make it through without abusing them even though they were always there if she needed them. It affirmed how far she'd come and how well she could cope now but today was different than three days ago.

She stared, mesmerized by the glint of the shiniest blade, imagining pretty red drips sliding down a pink backdrop.

You were the worst friend but you were always there for me.

Please, Starlight, something inside her pleaded. Just take the alcohol.

Slowly her eyes abandoned the glint and landed on the rum which she floated up into the air. She ripped off the foil and pulled out the cork, immediately inverting the bottle into her mouth for a big swig. Starlight slammed the bottle down on the desk and collapsed back into her chair with a gasp. She kicked the drawer shut with one leg but could still see the blades clearly in her mind's eye.

She downed another gulp as soon as she caught her breath, wanting to get buzzed ASAP. Her eyes fell on the framed photo of her and Trixie on the corner of the desk and she reflexively swatted it away, the glass shattering on impact with the wall. She slumped over, laying her cheek on the desk and began to sob as the warmth filled up her insides.

Well, you diligently went to your job despite it hamstringing your love plans. You went holiday shopping for a backstabber in good faith. You invested your trust in them and respected their autonomy and refused to interfere. Look at what being a 'good pony' got you. Look what you lost. Look what you could have had with me.

“You got exactly what you deserved for trusting other ponies again and allowing them to have free will," she whispered. "You’re so pathetic now thanks to Twilight." Her eyes crawled up the wall to the very dignified formal portrait of the headmare. It was weird to see her not smiling.

"The old you would have crushed her enemies and just taken what she wanted. Why don’t you just do that?” She could do that. It would be easy and euphoric, at least for a moment. To feel that rush of potency and control again.

She knew why she wouldn't do that. Forcing ponies to stay with her didn’t make real happiness… but allowing ponies to leave did cause real pain.

They had a name for what was wrong with her, but as an adult now working with teens, she felt like the problem was she'd just been a teenager her whole life.

It was wet beneath her cheek now. Starlight drank again until she had less than half a bottle left and her throat burned. She stood up and wobbled out the door into the hall.

Her hoof steps echoed through the lonely corridors. The school was a ghost town. Everyone was gone now but her. She had no work to finish; she had no reason to be here. She just needed somewhere to fall apart in peace.

Her eyes flicked up as she heard a door close. Who was still here? She saw the griffon Gallus straightening a satchel around his neck.

She'd always appreciated his down to earth realism and witty sarcasm. The moment she saw him, a desperate idea crossed her mind. She needed a consolation, an ego boost.

"Oh, hi, Counselor Glimmer," he said in surprise.

"You can just call me Starlight," she laughed. "You're leaving awfully late."

"Yeah, I just had to get something."

"You flying back home now?"

"Actually I was going to take the night train with my friends first just for fun before I went home."

“That sounds nice," she nodded, looking him up and down. "Y’know, it sounds like you have some time to kill before that train,” she smirked, placing a hoof on his chest. She leaned in close and Gallus could immediately smell the liquor on her hot breath.

“I-I, Um,” he stammered, shrinking back from her. “Miss Glimmer?”

“C’mon” she purred. “It's a no-brainer. We can be as gentle or rough as you want. My office or your bed? Or even right here in the hall,” she giggled irreverently. “No one’s here.”

Gallus swallowed. “I really should meet up with them,” his voice cracked. “They’re actually expecting me. Sorry. Um, have a nice Hearth's Warming though.” He sidestepped her and strode briskly away, wings unfurling for liftoff but Starlight captured him with her magic and yanked him back to her, roughly flipping him over and pinning him faceup on the ground.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she snarled in his face. “I’m right here! Ready! Are you not into ponies or something?”

“Uh- uh, well,” he quivered.

“Bullshit! I’ve seen you checking Shimmy’s ass in the halls at least half a dozen times! Am I too old? Is that it?”

“No. I just-”

“Too ugly, then?” she sneered.

“Miss Glimmer, please!” he cried. “You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re doing.”

Her face fell in horror as seeing the fear in his eyes snapped her back to her senses. She released the griffon immediately. Gallus righted himself and bounded away fearfully.

“I’m so sorry, Gallus,” she sputtered in shame. “I don’t know what I was-” she looked down the hall but he was already gone. "Have a nice… break… Fuck…"

Starlight aparated back into her office chair, and buried her face in her hooves. It felt like everything inside her was disintegrating and she had no idea how to stop it.

She was glad that at least Gallus had the good sense to say no, but getting rejected by a horny teen still did not feel good. She just wanted something to make her feel pretty and wanted, but instead she now felt worse than garbage.

She swallowed more rum as her mind inevitably returned to the shiny blades. She opened the middle drawer cautiously as if she expected a coiled snake to leap out at her. Slowly she craned her neck to peer inside, only stopping when she saw the inviting glint again. She counted each one and found that there were eight.

For a few moments, Starlight lost her presence of mind. She was emotionally exhausted and her head was beginning to swim from the alcohol. Before she knew what was happening, she was floating all eight of the box cutter blades out of the drawer in a procession. She gathered them in a regimented circle, turning and twirling in the air like a synchronized swim team or a carnival ride. They shimmered as the light played over them. She focused her powers, even through the inebriation and they began to glow orange, getting hotter and hotter and then suddenly they were wilting in flames. She stared into the center of their communal fire, losing herself.

What are you going to do now? You're done with this place. There's nothing left for you here. Burn it to the ground.

She glanced over at the floor to ceiling curtains and without any further thought, shot the smoldering blades at the base of the fabric. She sighed, propping her chin up on one hoof, watching with cold, compassionless apathy as a wisp of smoke sprouted before a little orange bloom.

Well, somepony will have to take you seriously now, won't they? You'll be infamous again.

It's about time. I was always better at being infamous than I ever was at anything else.

So are you going to watch from the outside? I'm sure it'll be hauntingly beautiful.

Or I can just sit here and wait for the smoke and flames to take me. Whatever. I like to keep my options open.

Slowly the fire began to catch and crawl upward as Starlight sank into the embrace of her old self and… whatever.

You can't just leave that decision up in the air. Either you're alive and being hunted or you die in a tragedy and many will cry at your funeral. Surely you have a preference.

Starlight shrugged.

Many will cry at my funeral? Even the old me didn't have delusions of grandeur that grand.

You mean the insidious you wouldn’t. The actual old you was a happy filly.

That was before I was an angsty teen and then an angsty young adult and then an angsty adult dabbling in benevolence and then here we are again.

It’s been a roller coaster.

And I want off.

You’re just leaving another hole.

Starlight’s eyes scanned over to the literal hole that she’d left in the wall.

You tried to make a career in service of the ideal of friendship, and now you’re going to sabotage it for so many just because you could never figure it out for yourself. You didn’t think for a second that that’s not fair to the kids.

Tears began to flow down her cheeks and she looked back at the smoldering curtain, the flames now licking the ceiling, threatening to spread to the structure. She tore the cloth down from its rings with her magic, dropping it to the floor in a pile. Then she tore down the other curtain and used it to smother what was left of the fire.

The moment didn’t feel like an epiphany. It didn’t feel transformative or redemptive. It felt like another narrowly avoided disaster that she’d created in a runaway chain of escalating disasters. She'd eked out one more win for sanity, but for how much longer?

Starlight surveyed the destruction in the room and shook her head. "I can't stay here,” she whispered. “I have to leave before I really hurt someone. I should never have even come here. What the hell was Twilight thinking?"

She took one last swig from the bottle, not quite finishing it. Then she wiped the tears from her eyes and aparated to the outskirts of town, a vacant field some distance from Ponyville proper. The snow was falling quietly in bit-sized flakes.

Starlight grimly chose a direction, a spot on the horizon where there were no lights and simply started walking.

Epilogue

A soft breeze blew through the window, rustling the scroll on Sunburst's desk. He sighed as his eyes drifted back to the stone tablet laying beside it. The writing below the image was something obscure and long dead. He was sure he'd seen it before but he just couldn't recall the name or origin. One thing he was certain of, the artifact was out of place at the Crystal Empire dig site where it was uncovered.

As a matter of pride, he was still reluctant to ask for help on this. He didn't care if it took another week, he wouldn't reach out until he compared the tableau with every last sample he had.

"Dad," called a small voice from behind him. "I'm bored; can we do something?"

"Yeah, in a minute," muttered Sunburst absently.

The young colt sighed impatiently and began milling around and exploring his father's study. Rarely did he come inside. He wasn't supposed to enter unsupervised and if someone was inside, it was always his father and he was busy working.

His eyes scanned across the countless floor to ceiling cubbies and compartments stuffed with old scrolls and loose yellowed papers. Occasionally there was a splash of color in a shelved artifact or enchanted item. His gaze landed on a faded box up high in a forgotten place. It looked like it hadn't been touched in a decade. A layer of dust obscured a panel of intriguing colorful graphics and a name that he couldn't quite make out. Whatever it was, it looked out of place.

Hat Trick's eyes flicked over to his father who was still hunched over the desk, shuffling through documents. He looked back at the box and concentrated, grabbing it carefully with his magic and pulling it down. He drew it close and blew off a thick layer of dust, revealing the words Dragon Pit. The colt smiled. He looked back at his dad and held up the box.

"Hey, can we play this?"

Sunburst rubbed his eyes under his glasses before turning in his seat to look. His mouth dropped open in anguished surprise when he saw the old box and a flood of suppressed memories forced its way back into his brain.

"Dad?" Hat Trick's smile faltered at his expression, thinking that he must have touched something he shouldn't have. "Uh, ss- sorry."

Before he could float the game back where he got it from, Sunburst took it with his magic. He ran a hoof slowly over the dirty cover, remembering the last time he'd played and how the game ended. He couldn't so much as even look at his copy since. An ache gathered in his chest. He swallowed and set his glasses on the desk so he could wipe his eyes with one hoof.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, uh… The dust is irritating my eyes I guess. Haven't played this one in a long time." Sunburst paused, trying to hold himself together. He put on a weak smile. "Um… Why don't you go set it up and I'll be there in a minute?"

Author's Note

I made an Old Friends Playlist

This story now has a sequel called Imperfect Strangers.

Thanks for reading!
Ignore the date on the last post and don't be afraid to leave a comment if you have a thought.