Life is more unpredictable than you will ever comprehend.
That’s what my dad used to tell me. Given that I’ve been stuck in Equestria of all places for the past year and a half, I bet Dad himself is sometimes surprised by how right he was about life. Crazy.
But silver lining, I can’t say my life is bad or boring, even if my dream of playing MLB baseball is doneso. I live in a huge castle, Twilight Sparkle’s castle to be exact. I even got a pretty snazzy office in Twilight’s School of Friendship, as her school’s “non-native bridge to pony society.”
In fact, at this moment, I couldn’t say much of anything. Not till Silverstream finished yapping anyway. Lying back in my chair, I darted my eyes at one wall after another, while rubbing a hand against my geode dangling from my necklace. If the hippogriff sitting on the other side of my desk wouldn’t cool it soon, the temptation to whack my head with one of my baseball bats could become overwhelming. Better resist paying too much attention to the one leaning against a wall.
Though, Silverstream was adorable as all gets out summoning her inner Twilight and Pinkie.
“...and so, isn’t it weird unicorns never grow more food with their magic? Ponies would have waaaaay more food to eat!”
“According to Twilight, unicorns and even alicorns usually can’t safely cast spells on food that could help mass-produce or outright reproduce it.”
“But that doesn’t make sense! Magic is magic! Right?”
“Apparently, it’s due to how unicorn and alicorn magic ‘works’.” I shrugged my hands. “That logic makes my head spin too, but I didn’t write their magic rulebook. Twilight loves answering questions almost as much as she loves asking them, so why not ask her more about it? Starlight wouldn’t mind answering either.”
She grimaced and sank into her chair. Odd. Odder still that she started fidgeting her wings. “I-I could, but they were, uh, busy when I last saw them.”
“Well, even if they were, if it’s about something you’re that curious about, they’d be cool with answering a question or two. I’m here to help with or answer questions about pony culture that you might feel uncomfortable asking a pony, but questions like those are out of my league.”
“Yeah, but...uh…” She gazed away, then snapped her head back to me. “W-what about the deal with ponies’ Hearth’s Warming trees?”
I borrowed one of Applejack’s favorite moves: raising an eyebrow. “Didn’t you ask me about that yesterday and last Monday?”
“U-uh, oops. I forgot.” Silverstream smiled, but it oozed something was up. A giggle that followed only boosted the suspicious factor.
“Is something wrong?”
She shook her head and waved her wings in front of her, a little too hard. “N-no! Nothing’s wrong here! Ha, ha, ha…ooh, that’s right! I have, um, homework. See you later!” She hopped off her chair and zipped out my door. Part of me wanted to pry, but doubted it would have worked. I needed a break from her and her energy anyway, despite how endearing Silverstream’s cheerfulness can be.
“Whew, she’s finally gone, for now.” I glanced at a group picture hanging on the wall of me and the gang, with Twilight (Who else?) standing in the middle. Switching up outfits more often might not be a bad idea for me. I wore the same ones in the picture – white shirt, dark-blue shorts – as I was here. Though, no way was my hat, bearing designs of Twilight’s, Starlight’s, Pinkie’s, Rainbow’s, Applejack’s, Rarity’s, and Fluttershy’s Cutie Marks getting swapped with another hat; I’m always wearing that one and my geode. “I haven’t been nailed with such a long question blitz since my first few weeks with Twili–”
Gallus crept through my door. Odd he crept inside like he felt tense. “Uh, Eric, do you got a minute?”
“Yep, come on in.”
He traipsed inside and sat down. He stared in one direction after another while tapping his talons against his chair’s armrest, or hoofrest since ponies made it. Yep, Gallus definitely wasn't himself.
“What’s up?”
He ceased his “scan” of my office. “I wanna talk about something, but it’s…kinda embarrassing.”
“Embarrassing, huh? You remember how I said every student here can look at me as a big brother, right?”
“I know, but what’s on my mind might be…weird for a griffin.”
I chuckled, straightening myself in my chair. “Gallus, in my old world, pegasi, unicorns, and even griffins are mythical creatures, magic isn’t real, and Equestria has Pinkie Pie. Good luck weirding me out.”
“Heh, point taken.” He slowly exhaled, and said, “Okay, I have feelings for a…pony. One that w-works at the school.”
“Crush on a teacher, huh? Heh heh, I’ve had crushes on teachers too, and there’s nothing wrong with a griffin liking a pony in my opinion. Is it Rarity?”
“No.”
“Fluttershy?”
“No.”
“Rainbow?”
“No.”
“Don’t tell me it’s Starlight.”
“You’re getting warmer.”
“Warmer? Let’s see–wait, is itTwilight?”
“Bingo,” he answered meekly. No way. Twilight? Twilight Sparkle?! Gallus, who hated homework as much as I did – a lot – was smitten with Twilight, the studious – albeit adorkable – perennial teachers’ pet type?!
Wow. Twilight is a cute mare for sure, but this was a shocking turn of events regardless. Though, it explains why she stopped complaining about Gallus catching Zzzs during her Equestrian history lessons. Ha, I almost tore my stomach from laughing the first time she told me about it. Still remember Twi groaning when I acted like she had sent me to dreamland during our next reading session. Twice.
Hold it. My brain was slow to register that this wasn't good. Not only couldn’t I drive my teacher crushes out of my head when I was “crushed”, but my grades sucked bad enough without Cupid using yours truly’s butt for target practice. If Gallus was the same way…yeah.
“Oh. Y-you have a crush on Twilight?”
“Not just that. I might love her!”
He might be a tad too young to understand what love is, but Gallus merely thinking he was in love made this worse. If he was anything like me when I had crushes on teachers, trying to explain why Twillus couldn’t happen wasn’t an option. He might fall for Twi harder if anything.
No, this would require a different gameplan.
“Uh, what did she do to make you fall in ‘love’ with her?”
“When I got another ‘D’ on my last Equestrian history test, she offered to give some one-on-one lessons. Then, when we started her first lesson a few days ago, she sat beside me.” He laid his talons over his chest while smiling. Kinda felt weird seeing the usually blunt, bold, and sometimes snarky Gallus acting like this. “Being so close to her, I felt fuzzy and warm inside. It felt…good, and I never felt that way before. Now that I think of it, she chose to sit so close, so maybe she loves meback!”
“I have a hunch you misread her intentions, but is there anything else about her that…sparked this ‘love’ of yours?”
He stroked his forehead. “Well, she’s nice, pretty, and just thinking about her mane makes me feel fuzzy again. Oh, she has big hips.”
“Big hips? She doesn’t…” My eyes widened. Twilight needed to lay off the hayburgers! “Whoa. Her hips have gotten–no!” I slapped my cheek. Wasn’t the time to ponder how Twi’s “plumper” hips had evaded my notice.
“All right, Gallus, listen to me, guy-to-guy.” I leaned forward; Gallus followed suit by leaning toward me. Safe to assume his full attention was squarely on me. “I live with Twilight and look at her as a big sister. But no matter how huge her hips might be, you don’t want her as a girlfriend!”
“Uh, it’s not only her, in your words, huge hips–”
“And you still don’t want her! As a headmare or teacher, yes. As a princess, yes. As a friend, sister, or even mother, yes. But as a girlfriend, N-O!”
“Why not?”
“For starters, Twilight is a control freak and hyper-perfectionist, so she can be very high-maintenance.”
“She doesn’t seem like that with me. Maybe just a little.”
“That’s probably because she tries to keep her full-blown perfectionist side under wraps when around her students. But if you were her boyfriend and she unwraps herself, you’d be in for an aggravating ride!”
“Uh…” Gallus frowned and grimaced. Good sign. Or not, since a confident-looking smile curled on his face. “W-well, it may be hard, but if she wants a perfect boyfriend, I can be it!”
Great, that didn’t work. Better step it up. “Oh brother, if only you knew that would be the easy part.”
“Easy?” he asked with a tilt of his head.
“Tell me, do you remember the day when I was yawning the whole day?”
“Yeah?”
“That was due to Twilight stressing out and panicking the night before over some checklists she forgot to write, so Starlight, Spike, and I were stuck struggling to calm her down. If you want to play boyfriend, you might have to join the alicorn-calming party. Day or night!”
That smile of Gallus’s deflated as he flinched back again. He peeked at my group picture on the wall, probably focusing on the purple alicorn in it. “Oh, w-well–”
“If you still believe having Princess Twilight Sparkle as your girlfriend wouldn’t be that bad, picture this: you could be hanging out with your friends, minding your own business, then BOOM!” I pounded my desk for extra emphasis; Gallus jumped a bit in his chair. “Without warning, you could be stranded in Twilight Stress-out City! If you choose to become her boyfriend, expect your first of many, many visits, soon.”
Were that drops of sweat running down that griffin’s forehead? I think so! “I…*gulp*...see. M-maybe I’m not in love after all. Could it break her heart?”
Had to suppress a laugh. “Doubt you need to worry about that. In fact, did she blush, act nervous, or play with her mane during her one-on-one lesson?”
He rolled up his eyes. Must have been deep in thought. “Uh…no. She was really into her lessons, but she never blushed, acted nervous, or did anything with her mane.”
“Then there you go. Twilight is the type of mare that will do one or more of those actions if she’s near someone she likes, if not loves. If none of that happened around you…?” I motioned a “You get it?” hand toward ex-lovergriffin.
“Then she isn’t in love or anything with me!” he answered with a big ‘ol smile. “Great! My next class starts in a few minutes, but could we keep my almost falling in love a secret?”
“Secret? What secret?” I gave a knowing thumbs-up.
“I ‘forgot’, and thanks.” He hopped out of his chair and strutted away–now he was acting more like the Gallus I knew. Though, the concern he held toward Twilight’s feelings surprised me a little. Either the school’s lessons paid off or I simply underestimated him.
However, I might have over-milked Twilight’s flaws and quirks a tad. I would have moved out of the castle months ago if she was that hard to live with, or if her late-night stressing out was a habit. Her upsides, being one of the nicest ponies in Equestria for starters, more than offset sometimes being a royal pain anyway.
Rainbow peeked through my doorway. “Hey, Eric, I saw Twilight stomping along and grumbling, and I heard her mutter your name. What happened?”
“She was? Beats me why she’s mad at–wait. How long ago did you see her in that bad mood?”
“About a couple of minutes ago.”
“Was she coming from the direction of my office?”
“Yeah.”
I facepalmed. Turned out, I put my foot in my mouth, again, during that talk with Gallus. “I might know what’s–”
“Eric Reed, can you please come to my office? Now?”a familiar, stern voice asked over the school’s intercom. Okay, more like “demanded” instead of “asked.”
“Uh-oh.” I slumped down into my chair. Man did I feel small. “Not her no-nonsense voice.”
“What you do?”
“I’ll tell you later.” I pushed myself out of my chair, blowing a sigh. “I gotta hurry and get chewed out by an angry princess.”
Bracing to face the music, I forced myself to Twilight’s office. Thought my days of being ordered to a principal's office were long over. Even if it only happened once over a prank that went wrong.
I slink into Twilight’s office and…gulp. Stomach, sank.
Twilight sat behind her desk, tapping one of her hooves on it, just missing a stack of papers. The sound of the hoof-taps sent shivers through me, and the glare in that alicorn’s eyes, again, gulp. Only one other creature, be it human, pony, or whatever, had ever given me those eyes: my mom, when she was mad at me.
Oh boy. I could have closed my door before my “human-to-griffin” talk, but nooooo! It picked the time to slip my mind.
“Can you close the door, please?”
Had no issue with closing the door, but it just had to feel like closing a coffin as I did.
“Good. Would you like to take a seat?”
‘Let’s get this over with.’ I stepped to the desk and sat in front of her deck; she stopped tapping her hoof. Wanted to say something, but the scowl from Twi’s eyes…nope. I could barely eek words out when Mom looked at me like that. Seeing that same glare from Momlight implored the obedient boy in me to stay quiet, unless any words spoken were of the “I’m sorry” sort.
“Now, I happened to overhear part of your ‘talk’ with Gallus–”
“Okay, I wasn’t the most flattering towards you, but he said he had a crush on you and I got carried away talking him out of it! I'm sorry, and I don’t think you’d actually make a lousy girl–”
“Wait, I understand that part,” Twilight assured in a gentler voice, her glare melting like butter, “and I’m not mad over it. At least I know to avoid sitting that close to any of my students in the future.”
“You’re not mad?” I asked, sweet waves of relief filling me. Seemed like I was off the hook, but was there a catch? “Are you ‘disappointed’ then?”
She shook her head with her eyes closed. “No, not disappointed either mostly, and I’m sure you will clear up any misunderstandings that might arise from your talk.”
I chuckled sheepishly, but I slumped down again. Had to hope that possible mess wouldn’t rock the school.
“Besides, Starlight did a similar thing last week when Silverstream told her that she developed a crush onyou.”
Oh. That was the reason Silverstream had been visiting me so much lately! Guess whatever Starlight said either failed or plumb backfired–wouldn’t be the first time that unicorn’s ideas went belly-up. “That explains a few things, and I better cook up a way to let my ‘admirer’ down easy later. But if you’re not mad or disappointed, why you sound upset when you called me in here?”
“It’s just…” Twilight’s ears drooped as she stared down at her chair. “I admit my hips have grown a little wider as of late, but did you really have to call them ‘huge’?”
Author's Note
If I were Eric, I wouldn't want to answer Twilight's question about her hips. What would you say if you were him?
By the way, if you're wondering where the idea of "unicorns and alicorns can't safely use magic to boost Equestria's food production" came from, it's my little headcanon on why none seem to do it in canon, unless I forgot about something. I don't think the idea is too far-fetched, given the sometimes ridiculous canon magic limits. For example, Twilight can literally create life from an inanimate object with magic (she did it in "Every Little Thing She Does") yet her magic couldn't fix Rarity's ruined mane. I know the latter was purely for plot reasons and it's not something I'd take too seriously because of it, but still 
