Twilight Discovers a Cryptic Book

by DancesWithBaglez

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 2330

Twilight finds a cryptic book. Cue hilarity!

They say that whoever finds the book shall never know a peaceful night again. Nothing could be closer to the truth. It was only a matter of time before Twilight found the old book on a dusty shelf in her library. Once she opened it, however, the very fabric of her being and beliefs would never heal from the scars that the contents of the book left on her very core.
Not be be taken in the smallest amount of seriousness. (set in the universe of one of my other fanfics, "You Are The Father". If you haven't read that one yet, I would recommend it since it will explain a few things.)

Published 2012-09-25 03:04:04 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-25 03:04:04 UTC

The Only Chapter This Story Will Consist Of

"Twilight!"

"Yes, Spike?"

"Where's my blanket? I can't find it anywhere."

The moon slowly crept into the night sky as Spike and Twilight Sparkle prepared for bed. The library had closed only hours ago and there were still many books left lying around the main hall, all left by irresponsible foals who wanted nothing more than to go on with their lives and not bother with picking up their messes. Twilight was content however, with cleaning the remains of the day, seeing as she needed to tire herself before a good night's sleep.

"It's right here, Spike," Twilight said as she parted the sea of literature lying on the floor.

Spike waddled his way down the steps, occasionally stumbling due to his drowsiness. Once he had finally reached the spot where Twilight had found his precious blanket, Spike fell over and began to snore. With a shake of her head, Twilight hoisted the little dragon onto her back along with his blanket and carried his to his basket. When Twilight gently set Spike down, he tossed and turned some before mummbling:

"What's that Rarity? A wet t-shirt contest? I think I can fit that into my schedule."

Twilight chuckled. Ever since Spike's run-in with the writer, he had become slightly more perverted in his thoughts and actions. I wonder what Spike found on that guy's computer to make him act so differently, she thought.

The lavender unicorn returned to the ocean of books and began to tidy up the place. Why she was so tolerant of little foals leaving her precious books lying around the library, she would never know. Finally, there was only one book left to put away. The unicorn levitated the book to put it back on the shelf until she noticed a note pasted on the cover, covering the title. Taking a closer look, Twilight saw that it read: For the love everything that is holy, do NOT open this accursed book!

Being a curious pony, Twilight decided to defy the note that the writer of this fanfiction decided to put on the book and opened it, anyway. Twilight began to read the words aloud to herself:

A rose is the visible result of an infinitude of complicated goings in the bosom of the earth and in the air above, and similarly a work of art is a product of strange activities in a pony's mind.

It is far more difficult to be simple than to be complicated; far more difficult to sacrifice skill and execution in the proper place, than to expand both indiscriminately.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

"What the buck am I reading?" Twilight asked aloud, causing Spike to stir in the process.

"Why yes, Rarity, I'd love to lick the frosting off," he mumbled.

Twilight sighed. Maybe this could wait until morning. It was just a book, after all...right?

The lavender unicorn awoke with a yawn. She had been kept up the entire night both by Spike's perverted outbursts and the complicated text of that book. Rolling out of bed, Twilight noticed that Spike was no longer in his basket. I hope he had a better night's sleep than I did, she thought. The purple pony began to slowly canter down the stairs, swaying a bit from her drowsiness. Once she reached the bottom, her eyes shot open when she noticed Spike laying on the ground next to the book.

"Spike? Spike?!" Twilight cried as she rushed to her assistants side. Spike was clearly conscious, but he was muttering nonsensical things to himself and trembling in the fetal position.

"It...makes...no...sense..." he muttered.

Panic began to pump through the unicorn's heart as she debated what to do.

"I have to find out what powers this book has over those who read it," she said aloud.

Twilight packed the book into her saddlebag and opened the door to the outside world.

"I'll only be gone a while, Spike. Don't move."

Spike responded with a twitch of his head as Twilight dashed out of the tree.

First, Twilight thought she would consult Cheerilee. Since Cheerilee was a school teacher, the lavender unicorn figured that she might know something about the book. A quick knock on the schoolhouse door revealed the school teaching earth pony.

"Hello there, Twilight. How can I help you today?" Cheerilee asked.

Twilight levitated the book in front of the teacher's face and opened to a random page.

"I was hoping that you could tell me if you know what this book is talking about."

Cheerilee looked more closely at the page Twilight opened to:

I think that there is nothing, not even crime, more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself than this incessant business.

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.

Only that in you which is me can hear what I am saying.

After reading the text, Cheerilee looked back at Twilight; her eyes glossy and glazed over. She slowly stepped back into the schoolhouse and shut the door gently.

"I'll take that as a no?" Twilight asked.

The only response she received were the sounds of Cheerilee silently weeping behind the door. Seeing as she wouldn't gain any information from the teacher, Twilight set off to ask somepony else; somepony as intriguing as the book she carried.

"What'cha got there, Twilight?" Pinkie Pie asked as she bounced around her purple friend. Twilight couldn't handle much of Pinkie's tomfoolery today; she was a mare on a mission.

"Pinkie, can you tell me if you understand anything in this book?" asked Twilight, levitating the book out for the prancing pink pony to read.

"Okie dokie lokie!" Pikie replied. She looked closer and began to read to herself:

If a pony who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, are they lucky?

We are all recent leaves on the same old tree of life and if this life has adapted itself to new functions and conditions, it uses the same old basic principles over and over again. There is no real difference between the grass and the pony who eats it.

I tell you everything is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying.

"I think I get it!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Really? What do you get?" asked Twilight, her ears perked.

"I get that whoever wrote this is a total psycho," she replied.

Twilight's ears drooped. Even Pinkie had no clue what the book was talking about, and she was the weirdest pony in town according to the recent census. The bubbly pink pony bounded away while Twilight placed the book back in her bag and cantered to her next subject.

"Hello Twilight. How are you? Are you perhaps searching for a special brew?" Zecora asked, rhyming as usual.

"Hi, Zecora. Listen, I have a little problem that I was hoping you could help me with," said Twilight.

Zecora scratched her chin with her hoof before replying. "Ah, I see. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."

The zebra grabbed a small vial and handed it to Twilight.

"This potion should do the trick. It will end your menopause very quick!"

The unicorn's eyes shot open and a light blush crossed her muzzle. "No! That's not what I meant! I wanted to see if you knew what this book was talking about, not how to end my menopause!" Twilight snapped as she pulled the book from her bag with her magic and threw it on the floor in front of Zecora.

Zecora opened the book and began to read:

What you see, yet cannot see over, is as good as infinite.

Life has the name of life, but in reality it is death.

The observer, when he seems to himself to be observing a stone, is really, if physics is to be believed, observing the effects of the stone on himself.

Zecora looked up from the book and spoke. "The text of this book leaves me in doubt. I'm going to go cry now, so get the buck out."

With a surprised look on her muzzle, Twilight picked the book up once more and left the zebras hut, all the while hearing Zecora's hushed cursing and sobbing. The lavender unicorn knew that there were only three options left: Princess Luna, Princess Celestia, and the writer. Considering what happened to Spike's psyche after his encounters with the writer, Twilight decided that she would try the princesses.

"Twilight Sparkle, how may we assist thee?" Luna asked, her face one of happiness and curiosity.

Twilight nervously set the book on the ground in front of the royal sister of the night. "Can you understand what this book is talking about?" she asked.

Luna lifted the book into the air with her magic and began to read:

There is no tomorrow. There is only a planet turning on it's axis, and a creature given to optimistic fantasies.

The unreal is more powerful than the real... because it is only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, and fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. Ponies, well, they die.

Reason and faith are both banks of the same river.

"Twilight Sparkle, what be this atrocity thou hast brought to us?" Luna boomed in her Royal Canterlot Voice.

"I just wanted to see-"

"Now we must contemplate life and many moody topics. Alone."

The nocturnal princess spread her wings and shot an agry yet disheartened glance at Twilight.

"Don't even think that you're going to play any more video games with me," she hissed before shooting into the sky. Twilight's eyes followed the lunar alicorn as she flew farther and farther away towards the moon. After a few minutes, Twilight could see a large message being carved into the surface of the moon. Once the message was finished, Twilight gasped when she read what it said: Twilight Sparkle has a penis.

"Luna, I swear to Celestia..." the unicorn muttered to herself as she rubbed her hoof against her forehead. She'd have a lot of explaining to do to her friends once they gazed upon the writing in the moon. With a sigh, Twilight went to find her last hope.

"And...then...they...kissed..." Celestia whispered to herself as she tapped the corresponding letters on her keyboard.

"Princess!" Twilight exclaimed as she dashed into Celestia's chambers.

"I wasn't writing My Little Human fanfiction!" declared Celestia as she blocked her screen with her body, glancing over her shoulders with a nervous look on her face.

Twilight cocked an eyebrow at her oddly behaving mentor, but quickly pushed the suspicions out of her head and threw the book to Celestia.

"Princess, please tell me what this book is talking about."

The princess of the sun opened the book and began to read:

See without looking, hear without listening, breath without thinking.

The mind of a pony is inspired enough when it comes to inventing horrors; it is when it tries to invent a heaven that it shows itself cloddish.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement, but the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

"Nope," said Celestia.

"Excuse me?" asked Twilight.

"Nope. Nope. Nope," Celestia kept saying as she turned over her keyboard to reveal a large read button labeled: Abort.

The princess smashed the button, causing the throne beneath her to rocket into the air. Like a speeding bullet, the confounded-looking princess continued to hurdle towards the sun, finally landing on it's harsh surface with an audible poof.

Twilight shuddered. She had only one option left. She would have to consult the wisdom of the writer.

For the sake of plot convenience, the writer created another stairway to his lair, allowing Twilight to uneventfully reach the dwellings of the composer of this fanfiction.

Upon opening the door, Twilight noticed the brown-haired teen typing furiously on his keyboard. A plushie of Lyra and a bottle of Dr. Pepper sat next to his laptop, keeping him company as he crafted the world that he was currently writing about.

"Um, Mr. Writer, sir," Twilight managed to mumble, causing the writer to turn around in his revolving chair.

"Oh hey, Twilight! What's up?" the writer asked.

The purple pony handed the book to the writer and motioned for him to open it. "I have no idea what this book is talking about, and everypony that reads it goes crazy. Please help, Mr. Writer. You're my last hope."

The teenager looker curiously at the book. Finding the note on the cover, he promptly tore it off. He opened the book and began to read:

I am not certain of the hereafter. Frankly, I'm not all that certain of the here.

Before I traveled my road, I was my road.

To believe with certainty, we must begin with doubting.

"Well?" she asked.

"The book was upside down," the teenager replied.

There was a long pause as Twilight absorbed this information.

"What?" she asked after what seemed like hours.

"I said the book was upside down. See?"

He showed the cover of the book to Twilight: The Three Little Ponies.

Twilight opened the book and read once more:

The Three Little Ponies: A Foal's Story. Once upon a time, there were three little ponies. They built some houses and then some jackass came and knocked them down. They reported the douche-bag diamond dog to the police. Luckily, their houses were insured so they ended up getting a complete upgrade without spending a dime. Isn't the Equestrian economy great? The end.

Twilight set the book down, then looked at the writer with a dumbfounded gaze.

"Buck my life."