Chapters
I awoke to a rooster’s crow and, considering the clear lack of snooze button on said rooster and my inability to reach out and strangle him, I had no choice but to get up, albeit grumbling as I did so. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and took a look around the room.
‘Yup, still in Pony-Land.’
Standing up, I stretched before walking towards the door but paused as I was right before it. There was this nagging feeling at the back of my head that I was forgetting something...
The fantabulous smell of pancakes cooking graced my nostrils, putting a smile on my face and instantly brightening my mood. I walked down the hall with a spring in my step and descended the stairs.
At the end of the staircase was a cozy living room with a small green couch and a plethora of various animal living spaces. My smile faltered for a moment when I noticed the distinct lack of television, but luckily the thought of pancakes and syrup sliding down my throat allowed me to pull through the tragedy. I turned left towards the source of the smell into what I believed to be the kitchen.
My eyes were graced with the sight of my butter yellow hostess making pancakes, skillfully using her mouth as a way to grab the various ingredients and utensils.
I was momentarily disgusted at the thought of everything that had to go in a pony’s mouth considering their lack of hands, but once again that alluring smell managed to keep my mood up.
“Good morning Fluttershy, are those pancakes I’m smelling?”
She jumped a bit after hearing my voice, but then turned towards me, her eyes closed and a beaming smile on her face. When she opened her eyes however, her expression quickly turned to one of horror as she looked into my eyes. She quickly tried to avert her gaze and ended up staring at my waist area.
Next thing I knew her wings spread straight out with an audible *Pomf* and she fainted with a deep blush on her face.
Confused, I began to look myself over and noticed two key things:
I was human again.
I was naked.
I face-palmed at my stupidity for not noticing these things before leaving my room. Eh, the damage was already done, I figured there was no reason to dwell on past mistakes.
There was no clear way of covering up my modesty, but considering the only living being in sight was unconscious, I could manage to ignore it. Turning off the stove, I then scooped Fluttershy into my arms to carry her upstairs, but not without noticing a faint smile accompanying her deep blush, which I decided not to think about. It was a little awkward carrying her with her wings sticking straight out, but I managed.
I exited the kitchen, but then heard a knocking on her front door. I froze, my brain suddenly shutting down out of panic. I heard a slightly raspy female voice:
“Fluttershy, are you there? I need some help…with…tank?”
I saw a rainbow-maned winged-pony, hovering by, and looking through the window next to the door, her gaze was one of curiosity, but quickly changed to anger as she saw the unconscious Fluttershy in my arms. I saw her disappear from the window, and soon the front-door flew open to reveal her standing in the doorway snarling at me.
“What did you do to Fluttershy, Monster!”
I didn’t even get a chance to respond before she flew straight at me with a startling amount of speed, instinctively I sidestepped her and she flew head-first into the banister at the end of the stairway. Defying physics she just seemed to hang there for a moment before falling to the floor and rolling onto her back unconscious.
Seeing the cyan pony twitching on the ground with her tongue lolling out of her mouth was quite a comical sight, ordinarily I would’ve “Rofl’d” however my arms were in use, making it quite hard to roll on the floor, and I realized how unfortunate of a situation this was: I was naked holding an unconscious pony in my arms with another one knocked out on the floor. Not to mention the latter of the ponies called me monster, likely meaning that Humans aren’t exactly a common sight around these parts.
I weighed my options:‘I could dump their bodies in a nearby ravine and run in the opposite direction of civilization to live off the land. Nah, where in the heck would I find a ravine? Plus I quit boyscouts before learning anything useful. I could tie them up and stuff them in a closet… NO, bondage is kinky (LEAVE MY BRAIN DIRTY THOUGHTS, THESE ARE PONIES).’
After some severe self-inflicted mental turmoil I decided it was probably best that I just put them to bed and wait for them to wake up, after which I could explain myself.
Hopefully their reactions would be far more favorable the second time around. But first I need to find a way to cover up...
“Oh dear god these things are F***ing DELICIOUS!”
Just because the only other two people (or ponies…whatever) in the house were unconscious didn’t mean I was going to let these perfectly good pancakes go to waste. Do I regret my rudeness by not waiting for them?
…
Not really.Well played monkey-boy .’ Either he was an extremely expressive rabbit or I was simply imagining things, probably the latter. I took his peace offering and pulled him out of the water.
Setting him on the table, I gestured towards the pancakes. He nodded and began to dig in with gusto.
“Lookie there, I already made my first friend.”
He looked up from eating his pancake, eyed me for a moment and nodded. Apparently ALL the animals here are more intelligent than the ones back home.
Anyways, my furry white friend and I made short work of Fluttershy’s pancakes, enjoying every minute of it. I left a couple for Fluttershy and the rainbow one despite the look of longing the rabbit was giving the plate.
“Okay, so what now?” I thought aloud.
The rabbit shrugged before jumping off the table and hopping out of the house.
After a little thought, I decided that now would be a good time to check on my unconscious friends. I left the kitchen, went up the stairs and turned into Fluttershy’s room. Upon entering, I walked to her bedside. Her wings were still spread out with an ever-present blush on her face; her breath was a little ragged and she was shifting a lot.
As quickly and quietly as I could, I backpedaled out of the room, noticing the signs that she was having a VERY interesting kind of dream. Breathing a sigh of relief in the hall, I turned and walked towards the guest bedroom, where I had set down my Multi-colored “friend.” I opened the door and looked inside.
“Crap...”
The hostile rainbow pony was nowhere to be seen. I quickly entered and began to look around when I noticed that the window was open, allowing a billowing breeze into the room.
“Well this can’t be good.”
I found myself, once again with nothing to do: Fluttershy was still having her dirty dream upstairs, my furry friend was nowhere to be seen and I was awaiting the rainbow pony’s reinforcements, likely a brightly colored pony-brigade, to arrive and attack me. I wasn’t too concerned considering their meager size and weight; I felt that I could easily overpower a group of these pastel ponies if the need were to arise.
But again, I needed to find something to do until the “climactic battle” lest I die of boredom first, that would just be ironic.
Sitting, rather uncomfortably I might add, on the small green couch I looked up at the ceiling and let out a sigh. When I brought my gaze back down I noticed a small squirrel looking at me with an expectant gaze.
“Whatcha need little guy?”
He opened his mouth and pointed into it before looking at me again.
I remembered Fluttershy mentioning that she took care of some ‘animal friends’ and considering Flutters (Let’s be honest, Fluttershy is just a mouthful) has been unconscious since this morning, they likely haven’t been fed yet. Well, it’s not like I had anything better to do.
I stood up and the squirrel, noticing this, went out the front door. Shrugging, I followed.
The exterior of the cottage was quite a sight. Unsurprisingly there were even MORE animal living spaces, primarily bird houses, but there were also trees containing some squirrels and other tree-based animals. To the right of me, a little ways down the path, I noticed a doghouse with a large wooden carrot with the word “Angel” written on it in place of the classic “Fido” or “Spike” nameplate. I looked inside and saw the same white bunny from earlier sleeping peacefully.
Tiptoeing away, I made my way over a bridge that seemed to be completely flush with the path, if not for the stream being clearly running under it, it would be indiscernible.
I looked up and off into the distance. To my surprise, I saw a number of colorful ponies heading in my direction following the path I was standing on. Hovering over the top of them was the blue-coated, rainbow-maned pony from earlier.
“It’s about time...” Looks like I just got out of feeding the animals.
Feeling like a bit of a jerk at the time, I smiled and waved at them. The rainbow one seemed to notice as I saw her gesture towards me with her hoof and the group began to move at a much faster pace. It wasn’t long before they were near enough for me to take in their features:
Leading the pack was a lavender unicorn with a straightened dark purple hair-do complete with a neon pink stripe running down it, slightly off-center. Her tail was similarly styled and her Buttoo (shortened for my sake) was a pink star with several smaller white stars surrounding it. Her eyes were a darker shade of purple than her coat.
The pony to her right was a green-eyed Orange pony with a blonde mane in a ponytail (oh the delightful irony), a Stetson hat resting atop it. Her tail was almost identical to the ponytail in her hair (the irony has been DOUBLED). Her Buttoo was a trinity of red apples, one name came to mind: “Apple Bottom” I also noticed she lacked both wings and a horn, the same as I did in “pony-form”.
To the other side of the Lavender unicorn ran a snow-white unicorn with a curly indigo mane and a matching tail. These ponies clearly lack a sort of creativity if their manes and tails were always so similar. Moving on: on her flank was a group of diamonds, again being a trio. Her blue eyes were different from the others’, being slightly more angular with longer eyelashes and utilizing a sky blue eye shadow.
Hopping, yes hopping, next to the Orange pony was another ‘plain’ pony with a hot pink coat and a curly mane and tail of a slightly darker hue, reminiscent of cotton candy. She had light blue eyes and a Buttoo of three balloons. The broad smile on her face was slightly unnerving.
For the sake of continuity I’ll describe the Rainbow one as well.
The group of ponies were quickly upon me, but stopped a few feet short of where I was standing. The winged-pony had her eyes narrowed, but the others merely gave me gazes of curiosity, but not without a hint of fear in them.
I repeated my gesture of smiling and waving which seemed to break them out of their trance. The lavender one opened her mouth to speak, but slowly, as if talking to a mentally retarded platypus:
“Hell-o, We. Are. Heere. To. Maake. Shh-ure. Our. Frie-nd. Is. Allll. Righ-t.
I decided to humor her.
‘I wonder if these ponies speak spanish?’
“Me gusta papel en unos lapices. Me llamo galaxia y yo vivo en mis pantalones cortos.” I looked at the cottage, gesturing towards it and faked a look of horror. “UNA MOCHILA! DONDE ESTA LA BIBLIOTECA?!?”
They all looked at me in disbelief.
“Uhh.. I don’t think we can communicate with him girls.” The lavender one spoke to her group.
My look of horror disappeared and I had a sly smirk on my face.
“Uhh, Twi...” The Orange pony spoke, pointing at me with her hoof.
The lavender one turned and looked at me in curiosity.
I finally snapped and bust out laughing. Their gazes quickly changed from ones of curiosity to ones saying “this thing isn’t the shiniest horseshoe in the smith shop”.
I slowly regained my composure and spoke:
“I’m just F***ing with you guys, my name’s Stan, wish I could say it’s nice to meet you all, but frankly considering my situation; I’m not happy meeting anyone.”
Their somewhat condescending looks of disbelief quickly evolved into ones of shock. The orange one was the first to break from the stupor.
“Y’all can talk? Are ya some sort of hairless bear or somethin’?”
My previously “bubbly” demeanor took a total 180.
“Bear?”
“Ya, y’all got claws and can walk on yer hind-legs like a bear, ya just missing yer fur is all. Don’t explain why ya can talk though.”
She obviously took my angry look the wrong way and continued:
“It’s alright pardner, we got some cream that can help ya regrow that fur lickity-split.”
This time it was my turn to have a disbelieving look.
Before anyone asks: Yes my stomach controls my emotions. Some people would call it a disorder, but I think of it as an ability.
Anyways, I sighed in response to her statement, my palm swiftly meeting my face.
Once again, my body-language was taken the wrong way, though this time by the pink one.
“You don’t need to hit yourself Stanny Wanny! Applejack is right, we have some cream that can grow your fur back in no time! That way you don’t have to wear that towel anymore!”
I remembered the towel I managed to find, thank god it was big enough to surround my waist. Didn’t want a repeat of this morning after all.
I finally managed to get a word in edge-wise:
“Can I just stop you two right there?”
The pink one, realizing what I said, quickly shut her mouth and again adopted that unnerving smile.
I shuddered involuntarily before speaking again:
“Okay, I’m not a hairless bear, I am hairless by nature as I am a human-”
“I’ve never read about anything called human in any of my books before,and we’ve already cataloged every animal and species in all of Equestria.” The lavender pony cut me off and gave me a ‘Pics or it didn’t happen’ look.
I glared at her, shutting her up and causing her to take a step back. She was obviously a know-it-all.
“I actually AM a human, not that I need you to believe me. Moving on; I didn’t hurt your friend, as I know you likely believe that I have, she merely fell unconscious and I was taking her upstairs to put her to bed before ‘Painbow’ over here decided to attack the banister.” I gestured towards the rainbow pony.
They all gave me sheepish smiles, excluding the rainbow one, who merely narrowed her eyes further and “hmmphed” at me. I continued unabashed:
“Thirdly: Stanny Wanny?”
The pink pony’s smile grew wider.
“Yupadeedooda! I love giving my friends nicknames!”
I was stunned.
‘Friends? I don’t even know her name, she just recently realized I DIDN’T attack her friend, though she used the nickname prior to the finding of this knowledge, and she doesn’t even understand that the whole use of nicknames is to shorten one’s original name...’
‘She is either criminally insane or really stupid, though I am leaning towards the former.’
“Excuse me darling but you’ve been staring into space for quite some time now.” The white pony finally spoke up and cut off my internal monologue. She had a high-class “snobbish” accent.
“Oh, sorry...Just lost in thought for a moment there.”
She looked at me with concern; it seemed quite uncharacteristic given her arrogant facade.
I shook my head and continued:
“Alright, moving on again. As I’ve said my name is Stan, I’m a HUMAN-” I glared at the lavender pony again for emphasis. “-and am completely at a loss as to where I am and how I got here, not to mention how to get back. I’m pretty sure this isn’t even my planet.”
I decided to leave out the whole me being turned into a pony thing, I was going to have to convince Fluttershy to do so as well when she regained consciousness, that is if she doesn’t run away from me in fear. For some reason that thought really depressed me.
I expected the lavender pony to butt-in any moment now to barrage me with questions and/or statements about the impossibility of the situation I was in, but she still had her head down from me glaring at her. I felt a little remorse...A little, which quickly passed.
I was surprised when the white unicorn was the one to respond.
“That is quite unfortunate...Well right now you are on the outskirts of Ponyville which is located in the country of Equestria-”
“Yeah, I gathered that much from what Fluttershy and the purple one over there said.” I recalled Fluttershy mentioning her cottage being near Povyville and Twilight saying something about Equestria.
A flicker of annoyance flashed across her face at my interruption, but she continued on.
“Well, that “Purple One” you are talking about is Twilight Sparkle, the personal student of Princess Celestia.” She was obviously trying to impress me into showing respect for the poor unicorn.
It failed.
“No idea who in the hell that is.”
She harrumphed before explaining:
“Princess Celestia is one of the two co-rulers of Equestria as well as her sister Princess Luna. They control the movements of the sun and moon and are all-powerful Alicorns.” She smirked thinking she had finally colored me impressed.
She didn’t.
“No idea what in the hell an Alicorn is either, and as for the raising of the sun and the moon: Bull s***. The planet revolves around the sun, causing it to raise and lower in the sky. The moon on the other hand revolves around the planet, but has the same effect.”
This statement finally got Twilight, formerly known as the lavender one, to speak up.
“That’s completely untrue! The princesses use magic to change the position of the sun and moon!”
I walked up to her, crouched and put my hand on her cheek. She recoiled for a moment, but ultimately stayed still, albeit with a slight blush adorning her features.
“Sorry to be the one to break this to you sweetheart, but magic doesn’t exist.”
Then of course, life decides to be a b**** and prove me wrong.
One moment I’m crouched next to Twilight, the next moment I’m suspended five feet above the ground while covered in a billowing blue aura.
The white one smirked. Her horn had a matching aura around it.
“You were saying?”
I was left speechless after she put me back on the ground.
Magic is real? This could prove to be very good or very bad, depending on how these unicorns used it. On one hand I could possibly get home, on the other if I put one finger out of place they could easily put me down. Honestly, I was now more than a little afraid of the pastel unicorns.
I finally managed to squeak out pathetically:
“Touché.”
Twilight and the white one looked at each other smiling in victory.
The Orange pony spoke up again:
“If yer tellin’ us right, then odds are that yer gonna have a hard time gettin home, so you might as well at least get tuh know our names. I’m Applejack, you can call me me AJ for short, I run sweet apple acres with my granny and brother Big Macintosh.” She stuck her hoof out to me for a hand/hoof shake. I took it, but soon regretted the decision. She somehow managed to lift me up and down in the air with the strength behind her shake. These ponies are built like freaking tanks. I pulled my sore hand away and gave her a forced smile.
The pink one spoke up next:
“My name is Pinkie Pie and I need to throw you a welcome to Ponyville party!” She gasped, “Or even better! A welcome to Equestria party with everyone in Equestria to meet you and become your friend, there’ll be cake and punch and pin the tail on the pony and cider and confetti-” She went on and on before Twilight stuck a hoof in her mouth (EWW!) to shut her up.
“I don’t think that’s such a great idea Pinkie. Remember what happened with Zecora? The ponies in town probably won’t take kindly to his appearance.”
Pinkie was hit with a large helping of logic. She smiled sheepishly.
“I will get you a party eventually, just you wait...” For some reason that sounded quite sinister coming from the pink pony.
Twilight was up next:
“Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle, personal protégé to Princess Celestia, but you already knew that.”
The white one was the next to speak:
“Good afternoon darling, my name is Rarity and I am the owner and sole designer at the prestigious Carousel Boutique.” She held out her hoof in a slightly different manner than Applejack. I recognized she was awaiting a kiss on her hoof.
Well there was no way in hell that I was going to kiss that dirty hoof that she had been walking on for god-knows how long, how was I supposed to know where the thing has been. I walked up to her and whispered into her ear:
“Not to be rude, but I would rather not kiss something you’ve been walking on.”
She seemed flustered for a moment.
“Why I’ve never even thought of that before. It would be quite vile...” I was more than a little surprised that she was showing actual remorse.
I decided to apologize for whatever reason.
“Don’t worry about it. I feel like we may have gotten off on the wrong foo- err hoof, I apologize for everything that I’ve said earlier that might have offended you or Twilight.” Heck yeah, I can be nice when I need to be.
Rarity looked back at Twilight, who nodded, she turned back towards me with a small smile:
“Apology accepted.”
After the others’ introductions were given, I looked expectantly at the cyan pony hovering above the group.
She gave me another mean glare before flying off.
Twilight spoke up:
“Don’t mind her, she’s just very protective, I’m sure that she’ll learn to trust you in time. Her name is Rainbow Dash, she’s the fastest Pegasus in Equestria.” Ah. Pegasus, I’m surprised I didn’t remember earlier from my previous delvings into mythology.
I watched the Rainbow blur flying away.
“Speaking of Fluttershy, you guys should probably go up and check on her, she might as well meet me too. Though let’s hope she doesn’t faint this time.” I thought for a moment before adding: “And you should probably tell her that I’m likely staying at her place until I can figure out how to get home.” They looked at me in confusion for a moment. “Given it’s on the outskirts of this Ponyville you guys are talking about. Don’t want anyone to see me and freak out.”
Twilight nodded and the group followed her up to the cottage. But not without me hearing her whisper to one of her friends:
“This is not going to be easy.”
I waited patiently outside for them to wake her up and tell her the news of her new “houseguest”.
Suddenly, I saw a window on the second story of the cottage fly open, the butter-yellow Pegasus in question peeking out.
She immediately flew out of the window, I thought she was simply making a break for it by trying to fly away from me.
To my surprise she turned and ran straight into me at breakneck speeds, knocking me over.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Dang these ponies are strong.
She stood over me; her front hooves on my chest and a crazed and hungry look in her large teal eyes.
With a smirk on her face, she spoke huskily in a voice slightly louder than a whisper:
“You’re going to love me...”
I managed to get to get a couple of words out as her face was getting to be dangerously close to my own:
“Well s***.”
Author's Note
Feedback is appreciated.
Chapter Three: Complications
Optimism and pessimism.
There are no such things as just "optimists" or just "pessimists," we are all a mixture of the two, however skewed they may be. Now in regards to the situation I was in, as always, I had two opinions on the matter.
My optimistic side was saying: ‘Well, looks like she doesn't mind that I'm going to be living with her.'
My pessimistic side, on the other hand, was saying: 'My first time is going to be rape by pastel pony?...OH HELL NO!'
I'd blame the ‘first time’ thing on ‘being focused on my career,’ but with my cubicle job and lack of girlfriend, I’m fairly sure no one would believe me. Let's just say I'm not a ladies’ man and leave it at that.
Anyways, I was currently pinned under a deceivingly adorable, yellow Pegasus with clear intentions. Staring into those hungry teal eyes, I found myself to be completely immobile. For the life of me I couldn't move, I couldn't resist, and worst of all, I couldn't scream.
Where in the hell were those ponies I was taking to earlier? I'm sure they don't want 'accessories of rape' on their criminal records. Unless rape is a commonplace in this land... Despite being immobile, I shuddered at the thought.
The pegasus' face was slowly descending towards my own, her eyes half closed.
In essence, I was screwed, both literally and figuratively.
I felt the warmth of her rough breathing on my face, and with that I closed my eyes and awaited my fate.
“FLUTTERSHY!”
A familiar voice called out from the direction of the cottage. My captor faltered for a moment, and I was freed from being immobile.
I was NOT going to waste this window of opportunity.
Placing my hands around Fluttershy’s middle, I tried to throw her as hard as possible into the air with the expectation of her being able catch herself in the air with her wings.
Great plan, great execution, yet poor results.
On the bright side: I did manage to throw the small pegasus into the air and off of me. She let out a startled “Eep!” after take-off.
To my surprise she rose a good ten feet into the air, but also to my surprise her wings were still stuck straight out and not flapping. She dropped like a rock.
I had a split-second decision to make: Catch the potential rapist or let her fall to the ground and possibly be injured.
...
I regret my decision profusely.
I jumped to my feet, and reaching out my arms, caught the pegasus on her downfall, but not without her freaking wings whacking me in the face first.
I looked down at the butter yellow pony cradled in my arms. She looked back up at me with wide eyes for a moment before letting out another adorable “Eep!” and squirming out of my hold and onto the ground. She wasted no time before running into her cottage as fast as humanly possible (not even gonna try...)
I scratched the back of my head in confusion as I watched her go. That right there was definitely not the same pegasus that was about to have her way with me.
I noticed the group of ponies, who were standing in front of the cottage, part to make way, but still remained staring wide-eyed at where I was pinned under Flutters only moments prior. The only exception was Rarity, who still seemed just as surprised, but had escaped the stupor and was looking at me instead.
It was then that I noticed in my haste to get up, my towel, which had loosened after being knocked to the ground, had fallen off my waist, once again leaving me exposed. Luckily the others were still stuck in a daze and failed to notice my nudity, but Rarity couldn’t seem to tear her eyes away from my *erm* ‘area’. Quickly gathering the towel and wrapping it around my waist, I then walked up to the frozen group of ponies.
“Well... It seems that you ‘Humans’ are quite... exposed.”
Rarity spoke a little shakily.
“Yeah well... We usually wear clothing 24/7, but my clothing disappeared after I got here so...” I trailed off. Dang this was awkward...
“OH! Then you simply must let me make you a wardrobe, I’m sure I can make something that will accentuate those muscles of yours quite nicely, I am a seamstress by trade after all!”
I could definitely use some clothing, that’s for sure. Wait...What did she just say?
“Muscles?”
A small smirk grew on my face. This flustered Rarity a bit as she blushed.
“Well uhh...Yes, you do have quite the muscular physique.”
Thank you P90X.
“Thank you for the compliment and the offer, I might have to take you up on it, now lets get back to the problem at hand. What in the HELL just happened!?!”
“I...I’m not sure...”
It was Twilight that spoke, but her gaze didn’t shift from that same spot.
“Well. Maybe we -by we meaning you girls, not me- should go talk to her.”
This seemed to snap all the other girls out of it as they all blinked and nodded in unison yet remained cemented in place.
“Soo...What are you waiting for?”
They jumped a bit, as if just realizing what they were supposed to do, and quickly trotted inside. Rarity took one last glance back at me before following them in.
Once again, I was alone outside while they talked to their friend. I decided to take a seat and enjoy the scenery and it’s ambiance. The place was quite beautiful in a way, but I still missed the smoky smell and sound of police sirens in the city.
Behind me there was some definite sounds of a struggle, in other words, s*** was breaking. A smile grew on my face at the clear misfortune of the ponies, maybe it was a little sadistic, but I just couldn't help it.
Soon a loud “NO!” resounded from inside and the five ponies, less Fluttershy, flew out the front door. I looked over at the pony-pile for a moment before returning my gaze to the scenery again. The sound of a door opening signaled that it was time for round two.
This time the “NO!” I heard sounded a bit more desperate, I looked back at the door opening. The group of friends, looking triumphant, were followed by poor Fluttershy being pulled outside by her tail with a purple aura of magic muttering "NoNoNoNoNoNo," all the while. Once again I looked back out at the beautiful scenery. Soon I heard a small *thump* noise to my right; I didn’t turn my head knowing it to be the still restrained Fluttershy.
It took all my willpower not to ask her: ‘WHY DID YOU GO IN A HORMONE FILLED RAGE AND TACKLE ME?'
“I know your planning on saying ‘sorry’ and all that jazz, but just save it, I’m not going to hold it against you.” I was lying, but she didn’t need to know that. I knew that she was feeling guilty.
“Uhm...I...Uhh...I’m-still-so-sorry-I-don’t-know-what-came-over-me.”
Applejack made a small “Hmph” behind me, not sure why.
After several seconds of awkward silence, I heard a slight shuffling sound followed by someone embracing me for a split second before quickly retreating into the house. There was a loud *slam* from the upper-floor followed by a *click*.
‘Well, looks like she locked herself in her room. Can’t say I’m surprised.’
I relaxed the sudden tension I had from the unexpected hug. Was I really scared of her just then?
The ponies behind me all trotted to my front as I stood up. Twilight spoke first:
“Well, we need to get going, try not to get held-down again.” She gave a nervous chuckle.
I was not amused by her attempt at humor. I glared at her.
“Well..uhh...goodbye, if you need me I’ll be at my library in Ponyville. Just follow the path, It’s a big tree, you can’t miss it.”
She turned to leave, her friends followed her closely.
“Bye Stanny Wanny!”
“See ya later Sugarcube.”
“Goodbye Darling, we’ll check up on you tomorrow at around noon.”
I waved them off, watching them go on their way.
As they neared the bridge, I noticed Rarity whispering something to Twilight, I turned my head to see if I could catch any of what they were saying. I didn’t get a whole lot.
“When...Woke...She...Caught...Naked...* censored* ...Thought...Still...Dream-”
Shrugging, I picked myself up to walk inside and go take a nap. I’ve had enough estrogen for one day and real men take naps.
I made my way upstairs and into the guest bedroom.
“Well this is going to be interesting.”
The bed, considering my new found size, was a little on the small side.
I laid down, albeit with my legs hanging off the end a bit. Pulling the covers up over me, I caught a whiff of myself and cringed a bit.
“Ugh, I need a shower bad.”
Honestly, I could have taken one just then, but ya’ know how it is with laziness...
I managed to ignore my terrible BO and soon fell asleep.
My dreams were filled with evil barnyard animals and a familiar looking goat laughing maniacally. I woke up with a start to the sun rising into the sky.
‘GEEZE! How in the hell did I manage to sleep that freaking long?’
I tried to bring a hand to my face to alleviate the pain from the splitting headache I was having, but all I managed to do was bend my foreleg. Wait...foreleg? My eyes shot open at this realization.
I was a freaking pony again.
I opened up my mouth to shout out:
“Aww Crap.”
Surprisingly, what was produced was a rather strained sounded whinny and a great deal pain in my throat.
‘Wait a minute...’
I lifted up my head to look at my body, finding my neck to be rather dexterous, I did so with ease. What I found myself staring at was the body of an equine, but this was not the same pony body I had before. This time I actually WAS a legit freaking chestnut horse.
‘Fan-Flipping-Tastic.’
With more than a little difficulty, I rolled myself off the bed and onto the floor. I found it far more difficult to stay on my hooves this time around, so I collapsed more often than I’d care to admit. When I finally managed to get to my fee-err hooves, there was a faint clopping noise from the hallway.
My door opened revealing Fluttershy standing there.
“Stan are you alrigh-”
Suddenly she stopped talking and looked at me with wide-eyes.
“S-so...B-beautifu-”
Once again, her wings popped out with a *pomf* noise and she fainted, hitting the floor rather hard. I attempted to roll my eyes, quite difficult as a horse mind you.
‘What was with this girl and fainting? Is it some sort of defense mechanism for when she was...’
I stopped my brain and attempted to beat out all of the dirty thoughts flowing into it.
‘SHE IS A PONY!’
Again with the self-inflicted mental turmoil, it’s becoming a trend in this place.
I made my way to the door, carefully and quietly stepping over the unconscious Fluttershy. Something told me that I didn’t want to be around her when she woke up again. I trotted down the hall.
After an embarrassing failure at going down steps with my lanky quadrupedal legs and a door knocked off its hinges in my frustration (going to have to fix that for Flutters when I’m back to normal.) I finally made it outside into the crisp morning air, the sun only just rising into the sky.
My Mission: Get to Twilight
I looked back at my chestnut body.
‘Yup, definitely in a pinch.’
There was the problem of communication, but I would deal with that hurdle later. In other words, it was future Stan’s problem.
After I made it out the front door and onto the path leading to town, I tried my hoof at galloping.
I was alright at the start-up, though it didn’t last long as I ended up falling off the bridge into the small stream that runs under it; leaving me with a soppy mane, a glistening coat and a severe blow to my pride as I saw my furry friend from earlier laughing his tail off.
I grumbled as best I could as a horse and picked myself up out of the water to get onto the path again. I reserved myself to simply trotting this time.
‘So this is Ponyville.’
It took me a good half-hour to get to the place; I had difficulties keeping my footing/hoofing on the uneven path. Also, on an unrelated note, due to the cool dewy air I was almost just as wet as I was when I first fell into the stream, so I was quite frigid and irritable at the time.
The village had a very Medieval look to it, with its thatched roofs and evident lack of modern technology such as cars and the like. Honestly, I found it to be quaint, like when I visited my Grandparents’ farm as a child.
There were a plethora of ponies, all of which were completely unique in their the colors of their coats and manes.
It appeared that I was about to walk through the center of the market, considering the many ponies setting up stalls and setting out their wares. As soon as I entered, every pony stopped what they were doing and stared at me in shock.
I tried to ignore the stares, but couldn’t help but notice a teal unicorn with a harp or something similar as her buttoo giving me a look with a very strange facial expression and...hearts in her eyes?
I picked up the pace of my trotting, all the more eager to get to Twilight as soon as possible.
About 100 feet in front of me was a large tree, I assumed this to be Twilight’s house based on her description and trotted to the door.
‘Okay I’m here, now what?’
I decided to just hit my head against the door as a ways to knock, screw those freaking doorknobs.
Awaiting the door to open, I heard some footsteps, yes footsteps, coming from behind it. This had me a little excited.
-Up until the point that the door opened revealing a plump little purple lizard standing on two legs, I was a little disappointed, but more so, confused.
The lizard looked at me with a strangely calm gaze before yelling over his shoulder:
“Twilight! There’s a strange looking wet pony at the door!”
There was a little bit of scuffling coming from up the steps, but soon Twilight appeared in a flash of light at the bottom of the steps. I was dumbfounded for a moment but remembered: ‘Magic...’
I stared at her and she stared at me, a look of what I thought to be wonder on her face, soon she took a step back and gestured for me to come in. I obliged and found myself to be in the massive, book-filled tree.
The lizard closed the door and Twilight walked over to him to whisper in his...ear? Wait where in the heck were his ears, are they the green thingies? Oh right, don’t question the mysteries of pony-land. Anyways, his eyes flew open wide and he ran outside. I tried to make a facial expression of confusion, but I’m sure it didn’t look any different than any other “horse face.” I don’t know whether she understood or not, but she still explained.
“That was Spike; I just sent him out on some...errands.”
She started to walk towards me, a strange and familiar look in her eye. Where had I seen it before?
She was quite a bit shorter than me, but reared up on her hind-legs, resting her fore-legs on the sides of my neck to look me in the eyes. It was then that I realized where I saw that look before, previously it was on Fluttershy when she...she...
I was hit with the sudden realization.
‘Oh f*** me.’
“Well, you are quite the strangely handsome creature aren’t you, similar to a pony yet...not.”
I did the only thing that came to mind: I reared up on my hind-legs to knock her off and after getting my forelegs back on the ground again, bucked the front door I was standing in front of as hard as I could.
It flew off its hinges and I quickly got outside.
‘Oh f*** me with a rusty metal spork...’
There surrounding the entrance to the tree was a large group of mares, all with hearts in their eyes, staring right at me. I could only guess as to why. I really should’ve thought ahead of time considering all the luck I’ve had so far.
Apparently horses are the sexiest species alive.
You know, it’s really quite amazing what you can do when under a large amount of stress and/or fear. With the extra adrenaline you can lift more, run more and even use skills you never even knew you had.
This was the first time adrenaline had ever taken over my body; me being a horse made the effects all the more prominent.
I had escaped the group of mares by jumping over the crowd and galloping off. Hell yeah, I learned how to gallop.
This victory was short lived: I, being the genius that I am, ran into the town instead of OUT of it.
Fast-forward to now, there was an even LARGER group of mares chasing me, three of which I recognized: Twilight, The pink pony; Pinkie I think, and AppleBottom.
They all had those creepy hearts for pupils and weren’t going to let me escape anytime soon, luckily they seemed to be pretty out of it, otherwise Twilight would’ve caught me with her magic ages ago.
After the gathering the group and realizing my stupidity for doing so, I finally made a break for the edge of town. There was a treeline a little ways off, and that was my destination.
I decided to take a glance back, and what I saw made my blood run cold: There, running faster than all the others was a huge red pony with a bridle around its neck; a stallion. It seemed to be more muscular and far less feminine than the others. He had a creepy smile on his face and even larger hearts in his eyes, to make matters worse, he was gaining on me.
I was not about to be caught by a gay-pony, that would be the worst possible scenario, you’ve heard those jokes about a horse’s big...
‘Oh dear god’
Putting on a burst of speed, I managed to put some distance between myself and the red stallion.
What I failed to notice was a certain blue pegasus sneaking up on me from above.
“Playing hard to get? I LOVE challenges.”
Anyways, the pegasus was literally right on my tail when she spoke, so I may have freaked out a tiny bit...
Horses tend to react to surprises by bucking, so... you can probably guess what happened.
*K-Crack!*
The little blue pegasus flew straight back into the crowd, knocking over the only other potential threat: the red stallion.
I couldn’t help but feel a little accomplished right then, but I wasn’t out of the woods yet. Or in it...Whatever.
The treeline was only 100 meters in front of me; I put all that I had into the last bit of distance.
Soon the darkness of the forest engulfed me.
Author's Note
Do I really need to say it?
Chapter Four: Ponyville Part One
Being unprepared really sucks: I was unprepared to be flushed down my toilet, I was unprepared to be in a magical pony-land, I unprepared to BE a pony, and I was definitely unprepared for my fear-induced adrenaline rush to end so abruptly.
Remember what I said earlier about it giving you “strength” and “abilities” you never knew you had? Well, what I personally failed to think about was that at the end of an adrenaline rush it not only takes those things away, but basically gives you an equivalent of a twenty coffee cup caffeine crash.
I had escaped the ponies without much trouble after passing into the treeline. For some reason they stopped following me and began to yell useless garbage like: “Everfree!” and “Dangerous!”
There was nothing they could say at the time that would make me to stop and turn back. I had a mission, and that mission was to get as far from those lusty ponies as possible.
Now, I made it a good five more minutes of full-speed galloping before the crash hit me. Which was pretty darn impressive in retrospect, but when that crash hit...Man did it hit me hard.
What the adrenaline rush gave me:
Increased speed and endurance
The ability to gallop
A greater confidence
What the ending “crash” took away:
The speed and endurance
The ability to gallop and stay steady
My dignity
The crash hit me as soon as I began to gallop down a rather steep and rocky hill, normally I wouldn’t have noticed the rockiness of said hill, but life is a d*** like that.
Near the beginning of it, I lost my galloping ability and steadiness, thus ending my run and causing me to trip, fall and begin to roll downhill. Luckily, even though the hill was steep, it was still small, but don’t think that the size of it lessened its crappiness.
The rocks cut me up pretty good, and I swear that I managed to hit EVERY branch within the realm physical possibility, but at least the ending was a bit of a relief from the “trip.” At the base of the hill was a patch of beautiful electric blue flowers, which managed to cushion my landing at least a little bit. Despite the clear lack of “silver lining” in my whole situation, I suddenly had the urge to burst out laughing.
As you can imagine, laughing is quite awkward to do as a horse. It was a little like a hoarse (pun-intended) whinny.
While I continued to laugh for the next minute or so, things started to look a little fuzzy as the crash overtook me. It wasn’t long before I lost consciousness.
I had the strangest dream in which a bright blue pony with a flower in her mane and a familiar looking figure with the head of a goat were whispering to each other, giggling all the while.
Once again, I woke up with a splitting headache. Instinctively I put a hoof up against my head, as if to relieve the pain.
“...”
‘Since when can horses bend their legs to put hooves to their heads? Wait...Not again...’
I turned my head to take a look at my body. Somehow, despite my situation with being in a magical pony-land, I still managed to be surprised by what I saw. It wasn’t as surprising that again I was a gunmetal grey pony. What WAS a big surprise was my newly found wings; for some otherworldly reason I was now a pegasus.
I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be excited by these wings, or angry that I wasn’t human again.
My conflicting emotions finally decided to make me indifferent on the matter entirely.
Now, there was something strange I noticed about these wings, they were much larger than those of Fluttershy and the rainbow pony, whose name escapes me; they also seemed to be polka-dotted with spots only a slightly lighter shade of grey than my coat.
I decided that the size difference was likely due to me being a male, for I had yet to see a male pegasus; the polka-dots, however, I couldn’t really explain. Melanoma perhaps? Wouldn’t be surprising considering the “magic” in this place; odds are that it’s mostly gamma rays, and radiation can pull off some crazy s***.
I picked myself up and out of the blue flowers I was just sleeping in and began to trot up the hill I had only recently fell down. I’m not sure why it was so much easier to walk as a pony compared to walking as a horse but questioning pony-land never seemed to get me anywhere, so I shrugged it off.
It took me a good 30 minutes to get out of the forest and another good five minutes to get to the edge of Ponyville from the treeline. I blame being directionally challenged and way too freaking fast as a horse.
On my way there I had plenty of time to think about my situation and my future in this place. Was I going to be stuck here forever? What was I going to do to make money? Will I ever have bacon again?
I shuddered at the last thought.
‘I need to find something to do in order to stay sane in this place…Wait…Perfect…’
A grin grew on my face as a plan was formed in my head on how I could finally get some much needed entertainment: Troll the ponies.
It was all coming together. Firstly, I had to create an alias so they didn’t recognize me as “Stan.” I deduced that a pony’s name has something to do with their buttoo, like “Twilight” and her star and “AppleBottom” and the apples on her bottom. Looking at my silhouette of a man walking, I came up with two names: Shadow Walker and JayWalker.
I had a very important decision to make: Be bada** or be ironic.
…
Irony always wins, hands-down.
Soon I was walking into the town with a brand new name and a brand new face. As long as I avoided Fluttershy, as she had seen my pony form before, I could easily get away with this.
I casually strolled into the market and spotted my first victim: The pink pony hopping nonchalantly through the market.
‘Wasn’t she the crazy, hyperactive one?’
She caught me looking at her and hopped over to me.
“Hi there! are you new he-”
“HI-MY-NAME-IS-JAYWALKER-OR-JAY-FOR-SHORT. I’M-NEW-HERE-AND-LOVE-TO-PARTY-DO-I-GET-A-PARTY-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH?!?”
The pony fell back onto her haunches about half-way through my obnoxious outburst and gave me a gaze of wonder. When I finished there was a barely visible blush painted on her pink-coated muzzle.
‘MISSION TOO SUCCESSFUL, ABORT ABORT ABORT!’
“SORRY-GOTTA-GO-BYE!”
I sprinted away from the pink pony, leaving her sitting there staring at where I was just standing.
Seeing a carousel shaped building in front of me with an open door, I quickly jumped inside to get out of sight of the pink pony.
“Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, do you wish to place an order?”
Target number two spotted: Rarity, the “fancy” one. I decided to try out my best English accent, just to mix things up.
“Good day. Madame Rarity I presume?” She gave me a small nod. “I am simply here to browse your inventory, I’ve heard much about your skills in the crafting of fine clothing.”
She closed her eyes with a small smile on her face.
“Well. I don’t mean to boast, but my designs are indeed renown across cities like Manehattan and Canterlot. Is that where you’ve heard of me? I’m afraid I don’t recognize your accent, although it is quite elegant.”
Crap.
“Well...I...Indeed, it was a friend in Manehattan that informed me of you. I simply had to have the opportunity to observe your wares.”
Again her eyes were closed, that same smile on her face.
“Excuse me...Miss?”
Her eyes flew open.
“I-I apologize. I umm...just had a sudden inspiration.”
She seemed more than a little flustered; it took quite a bit out of me not to call her out on her fib.
“Well, may I please have a look at your articles Miss Rarity?”
She regained her composure in a snap.
“Why of course darling! Anything for a customer!”
She turned around to lead me to her clothing, giving me a perfect view of her...
*POMF*
‘The hell?’
Her ears perked up and she suddenly froze mid-stride.
“You didn’t...” Her tone was cold and menacing.
For some reason my large, spotted wings were standing at attention on my back, making it slightly difficult to stay balanced considering their large mass.
“I d-didn’t what?”
At this point my accent had degraded to the point of being almost the same as my regular speech.
All of a sudden she turned around. Noticing my wings, she turned red with rage. Her horn was suddenly coated in that familiar, sky blue aura.
“GET OUT!”
Glowing horn equals bad stuff for Stan.
She didn’t need to tell me twice. I made a bee-line for the doorway, but my freaking wings caught the top of it, knocking me on my a**.
Promptly, I was lifted into the air by her billowing, blue aura and thrown away from her boutique.
Right after the aura picked me up I closed my eyes, so I had no idea or control on where I was going to land. Not the smartest idea I’ve ever had, but I was strangely lucky enough to land on what I thought to be pillow of some sort. If I wasn’t a little shaken up at the time, I might have questioned the probability of the situation, alas...
“Thank god for pillows...”
“Are ya calling me fat!?!”
‘Is that...’
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry AppleBottom!”
“WHAT DID YA JUST CALL ME!?!”
“...”
‘S***.’
I was suddenly flung into the air as she abruptly stood up. My wings were still straight out, not offering any sort of way to slow down my ascent nor my descent.
*K-CRACK*
Never before had I felt such a blow to my dignity; or for that matter, my a**. She had bucked me in mid-air right on my flank, sending me even further into the air and over the boutique entirely, yet I continued to rise. Dang that chick was strong.
Now I was having some bittersweet luck with landings today: On one hand, I was landing softly, once on the flowers and the other on Apple...something, on the other hand, my second landing was far from favorable in the events that followed.
My third landing that day didn’t even have a descent, but at least it was soft, oh so very soft...
I suddenly flew through a rather solid yet yielding cloud, which managed to slow me down quite a bit. To my surprise, after flying through one side of the cloud, instead of falling through the other side and towards the ground, I was now laying on said cloud. I was more than a little disoriented at the time and my vision was fuzzy; all I saw was that I was in some sort of enclosed space with a bluish blob in front of me.
“WHAT IN THE HAY ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!?!”
These ponies really need to stop shouting at me.
“Ugh...House?”
Slowly, the rainbow pony from yesterday came into focus; she had a very deep blush on her face and her coat was glistening with sweat. What was she just doing?
“I asked you a question: WHAT IN THE HAY ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOU-”
Suddenly her anger disappeared and she froze while staring at me, more specifically at my wings. She had a glazed look in her eyes.
“So...Big...”
I took a look around the cloud room to find what the heck she was talking about.
‘What?...My wings?’
Taking a look back at her, I noticed that her wings were slowly unfurling as she stared at my own. What in the heck did that mean anyway? Seems like whenever IT happens S*** happens.
When they stood straight out, her eyes changed from looking glazed over to having a very familiar “hungry” look. She took a small step on the cloud towards me, that stare of hers was terrifying.
“H-hello? I-I’m really s-sorry for l-landing in y-your h-house.”
She took another step towards me, a smile on her face.
“I-I’ll just be going now...”
I stood up in the cushy cloud room and turned around to face the hole I had made. Looking down through it, I saw that we were a good 300 feet in the air; there was no safe way to get down.
I glanced over my back and saw the blue pegasus in a pouncing position, still giving me that same look with the creepy smile.
‘Oh F*** that!’
Well, I had to learn to fly sometime.
“FFFFF-” I leapt through the hole. “UUUUU-”
Author's Note
Split into two parts to make my life easier.
Leave thoughts and comments below.
Chapter Five: Ponyville Part Two
Pinkie Pie was having a terrific day: she had already made her rounds saying “Hi!” everypony in town and had even met a new stallion that loved to party; seemingly as much as she did herself.
Under the impression that they were ‘soul-mates,’ she was having more than a few daydreams about this mysterious ‘JayWalker’ she had only met for a moment.
Suddenly her tail began to twitch uncontrollably.
“Oh no! Something is gonna fall!”
She began to scan the skies when her ears began to flop simultaneously as her tail moved to and fro.
“Twitchy tail...Ear-flop...*Gasp* It’s not someTHING falling from the sky, it’s somePONY!”
She continued her scanning with much more gusto and noticed a grey blob in the distance quickly accelerating towards the ground.
Suddenly she disappeared, leaving a pony-shaped cloud of dust and a trail leading in the general direction of the plummeting pony.
There was a royal guard pony stationed in Ponyville merely a day prior as a ‘just-in-case’ procedure after the recent changeling attack in Canterlot. For the sake of not continuing to say ‘royal guard pony,’ let’s just call him Steve.
Steve was having a terrible day; he was stuck in boring ol’ Ponyville, he didn’t know anypony else in the wretched town and now a lanky stallion with a pointed cap was insisting that the town hall had purchased a giant trampoline.
“For the last time: We did not order a giant trampoline.”
The skinny stallion looked a little miffed.
“You know pal, you could’ve told me that before I set it up.”
Steve facehoofed and let out a sigh.
“Oh how I hate this town...”
Suddenly a pink blur shot between the two and the trampoline disappeared, a small pile of bits left in its place.
“-UUUUUDDDDGGGGEEEE”
You never know when there might be innocent ears around, or if these ponies even knew what cursing was. Odds are I’m much better off keeping my language at least fairly clean when in public, don’t want to incur a unicorns wrath, or for that matter Apple*Insert name here*’s, my flank can attest to that.
Oh, I guess you’re wondering what happened after I pulled a ‘Stan’ and in essence committed a form of suicide by jumping through a hole in a cloud 300 feet up in the air to avoid having sexual relations with a pony.
Here goes:
*Ahem*
“-UUUUUDDDDGGGGEEEE”
My wings were still stuck straight up as I quickly plummeted towards the unforgiving ground, failing to offer any sort of resistance to slow my descent. Unfortunately they weren’t responding to any of my attempts to move them either, not that I even knew how to do so; probably should have taken the time to figure out how to use them in retrospect...
About ten feet from the ground I closed my eyes and braced for the inevitable impact.
*BOING*
‘DaF***?’
My eyes quickly shot open as I felt a soft impact and myself actually being propelled upwards in the air. I looked down and saw a random trampoline standing where I was just about to land. About ten feet up I began to plummet again, I quickly scanned the area for anyone that could have placed the trampoline under me before I impacted again.
“OOF!”
‘Now where in the hell did that freaking trampoline go?’
I found myself, once again, on the top of another pony; though this time it was that crazy pink one, Pinkie I think.
She looked up at me with a blush and a small smile.
“My My JayJay, you really...Ugh...Know how to knock a mare off her hooves.”
The events from my earlier attempts at ‘trolling’ her quickly came into the forefront of my mind.
‘Crap...Out of the frying pan and into the fire.’
At least she wasn’t attempting to hold me down like Fluttershy, nor did she have the intent of pouncing on me like the rainbow pony; I guess I was the one on top of her ironically enough.
“Uhh...Hi Pinkie, where did that trampoline go?”
“What trampoline?”
She looked around everywhere, yet avoided eye contact with me. Suddenly a confused look crossed her face and she finally looked me in the eye.
“How do you know my name?”
‘Well s***.’
“You...Uhh...Told me, don’t you remember?”
She looked unconvinced.
“Pinkie Promise?”
‘Now how in the hell does she expect me to be able to do that?’
“Sorry but...What?”
She slid out from under me and went through a ridiculous looking set of motions while saying: “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”
I attempted to replicate her actions.
“*grumble* Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my-”
I had no control over the limb, no matter how hard I tried.
Pinkie’s face all of the sudden took on a very menacing glare. Considering the fact that she was the most ‘happy go lucky’ pony I had met as of yet, the look was freaking terrifying.
My trolling was a complete failure, my a** was sore and I was now dealing with convincing a pink pony of a very transparent lie. I decided it was for the best that I simply drop my ruse entirely.
“*sigh* Pinkie, just round up your friends and meet me at Twilight’s please.”
“But wh-”
I interjected,
“Just do it. Please?”
She gave me a suspicious look, but nodded as her bright expression returned.
“Okie Dokie Lokie!”
She began to hop away when I remembered something,
“Wait Pinkie! Which direction is Twilight’s place again?”
She turned to give be a disbelieving look, but still pointed down the road behind me. Upon retrospect, telling a pony to meet you somewhere and then asking that pony where that somewhere is might seem a bit strange...
Screw it, she’s the weird one, not me.
Anyways, I began to make my way down the street and recognized market that I went through earlier to get to Twilight’s tree. As I made my way down it, looking left and right at what ponies consider merchandise, I noticed the red stallion from earlier behind an apple stand. I instantly froze as he caught me looking in his general direction.
Suddenly his eyes widened in recognition, then returned to their half-lidded state as he threw a wink in my direction with a small smile. Needless to say, I did the first thing that came to mind: I sprinted the hell out of there just as quickly as my untrained hooves would allow. I soon found myself drenched in sweat in front of Twilight’s house, chest heaving as my heart tried slow itself down.
‘How *huff* in the heck *huff* did that *huff* freaking stallion *huff* recognize me?’
I knocked on her door weakly and soon heard shuffling hooves that signaled her approach. The door opened with the mare in question standing there.
“Welcome to the Ponyville library, how can I-”
“Oh my gosh! Are you alright sir?”
“I’m *huff* just fine.” I glanced through the doorway. “I’m meeting *huff* you and your friends *huff* here *huff* Pinkie is rounding them up *huff* as we speak.”
A confused look crossed her face as she just stood there.
“Are you *huff* going to invite me in?”
She seemed a little surprised at the question as she jumped a little bit. She smiled sheepishly in embarrassment before motioning for me to come in. I entered her home for the second time that day and quickly made my way towards her couch so I could get some rest from my recent marathon sprint.
Soon after sitting down, she gave me a strange look and trotted towards me.
“I have a couple of questions for you if you don’t mind.”
I shrugged.
“Okay, Shoot.”
“Alright, firstly why are you meeting me and my friends here?”
“You’ll learn that when they all get here, next question.”
She seemed annoyed at my response, but didn’t push it.
“Fine. Secondly, why are you sitting like that? The only other pony I’ve seen sit like that is Lyra and she’s a bit...Eccentric.”
It never really occurred to me that ponies might not sit like humans do and the fact that another pony sat like it seemed a little...Off.
“Well, it’s comfortable and...Actually you’re once again better off waiting for your friends to get here.”
She wrinkled her nose at me, but nodded and sat, or rather laid down next to me like a dog would.
“You know, your voice sounds really familiar...”
“Twilight, just shut up and wait for your friends. Alright?”
She wrinkled her nose again, but managed to stay quiet for the next few minutes as I caught my breath.
Soon the door knocked again and she got up to answer it; five more ponies entered the room, all with VERY different reactions when they saw me sitting there on the couch.
Pinkie just smiled and waved at me.
Twilight seemed thoroughly confused at all of her friends’ reactions and soon joined them in staring at me.
I cleared my throat before beginning my explanation:
“I’m sure you’re all wondering why you were invited here-”
“Yer darn tootin’ we’re wonderin’ why!”
“Look, I’m sorry for landing on top of you but I would prefer it if you would just be quiet for a moment to let me explain.”
She stayed quiet, but kept giving me the death glare
“As I was saying, I’m not exactly who you all think me to be.”
Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak.
“Excluding you of course Fluttershy.”
Her friends all looked at her with confusion as she shrank back a little.
“Anyways, I’m not Jaywalker,” I glanced at Pinkie. “I’m not really from Manehattan as I don’t have an accent as you can clearly tell” I glanced at Rarity. “and...I’m not a pony, it’s me Stan.”
“WHAT?!?”
“SHUSH! Let me explain: Firstly, I woke up this morning as a horse-”
“What’s a horse?”
“It was- or rather I was the thing you all VICIOUSLY pursued this morning!”
All of their eyes opened wide at this realization, with the exception of Rarity, who had not partaken in the chase, and Fluttershy who had become incapacitated upon her first sight of me.
“After you all chased me into the freaking forest, I fell down a hill and knocked myself out, after I came to, I was a pony.”
Unsurprisingly, Pinkie was the first one to shake off the shock and speak.
“*GASP* Now I can throw you that welcome to Ponyville party! And you love parties, it’ll be perfect!”
I turned to look at Twilight.
“Should I be worried about this? I was only joking when I told her about how much I love parties.”
She shook her head.
“It’s just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie, just let it happen.”
‘Heh, “just let it happen” sounds dirty....Wait...NO!’
*Pomf*
‘Why does mind insist that I picture these stupid ponies in dirty ways!?!’
*Pomf*
The wings of the other two pegasi in the room soon joined my own in standing straight up; their eyes were glazed over while staring at me. The other mares in the room were also staring at me, but with blushes on their cheeks and shock showing in their expressions.
“Okay, what in the hell does this wing thing mean and why does it keep happening to me and those two over there.”
“It’s..Umm...called a...erm- wing boner and it-.”
“WHAT!?!”
“You have GOT to be kidding me right now! Is this some kind of cruel joke?”
“I’m afraid not darling, though I guess an apology is in order for how I treated you earlier...”
I waved a hoof dismissively at her.
“Don’t worry about it, apparently with this pony body I have some new...‘preferences’ as it were, and I WAS looking at your goods.”
I was making a small attempt at humor, but her blush simply grew bigger at my words as she looked down to paw at the floor. My wings finally decided to lower again as I spoke:
“Well...What happens now?”
Flutters and little miss rainbow were still staring at me with blank expressions, completely lost to the world, Apple*insert name here* was giving me cross expression and Rarity was beyond embarrassed, resorting to stare at the floor. Twilight was the only pony that was capable/willing to speak to me.
“Well, you have a party to attend later, but right now I want to know how and why you are apparently capable of changing forms.”
“I can’t really answer that question as I’m not really sure myself.” I paused for a moment, putting a hoof my chin in thought. “Though I guess I can tell you all that’s happened after I got here...”
Twilight nodded. And I began my story from the beginning, with some parts left out of course; I decided it wasn’t worth mentioning Mr. Goat Head just yet.
“That was...Quite a story.”
Twilight and I were walking together towards the place known as Sugarcube Corner, apparently this was where Pinkie was employed and held most of her parties.
Twilight had managed to shoo her friends out the door before I told my story with the excuse of helping Pinkie with the party, unfortunately the pegasi had yet to come around, so they were unceremoniously dragged out the door by the other two.
“Yeah...By the way, thanks for sending a letter to your princess to try and help me get back to my world, I really appreciate it.”
She blushed and looked away from me.
“D-don’t mention it, anypony would have done it.”
‘Anypony...Maybe I should start using that from now on.’
I was pulled out of my thoughts by Twilight.
“Well here we are, Sugarcube Corner.”
I was standing in front of a building seemingly straight out of the story “Hansel and Gretel,” it seemed to be made completely out of edible substances. The bite marks on the ‘frosting’ proved that more than a few ponies had been fooled by its candy-like appearance. The lights were off in the building; leading me to believe that this was a sort of ‘surprise party’ despite the fact that Pinkie had said she was throwing me a party basically straight to my face.
We walked towards the door, opened it and entered into the dark building.
“SURPRISE!”
The lights turned on, revealing a plethora of multi-colored ponies, only a few of which I recognized from around town. I was shocked by the sheer turnout, figuring that it would just be the girls and myself.
Suddenly a pie was heading toward me at an extremely high velocity.
*OOF!*
The ‘pie’ tackled me to the ground with a huge grin on its face.
Oh you thought it was a real pie? Unfortunately that wasn’t the case...
“WELCOME TO PONYVILLE! WERE YOU SURPRISED HUHUHUHUH!?!”
I stared in disbelief at the pony standing on my chest.
“No...You told me about it earlier, don’t you remember?”
She continued to smile, though in a more sly than happy manner.
“Oh silly me, I must have forgot, guess I didn’t need to tackle you after all!”
She quickly got off of me a bounced away towards the punch bowl. Twilight helped me up and joined me in watching the pink nut job bounce off.
“What just happened?”
Twilight looked just as surprised as I was.
“I’m...Not sure...”
Suddenly Apple*insert name here* was standing on top of a table with the red stallion from earlier behind her, a big barrel balanced on his back.
“Alright everypony, ah brought some of my hard cider, ya’ll know it ain’t a party without it.”
The crowd was suddenly huddled around the table waiting for their chance to get some booze. I was curious as to how strong pony alcohol could be and quickly left Twilight’s side to join the crowd waiting for cider.
After around five minutes of waiting, Apple*insert name here* grudgingly handed/hoofed me a cup. After taking a look at the tan substance, I decided to finally take a sip…
‘Ugh...My head...I am such a lightweight.’
The night became a blur after that one sip, all I remember is the six mares I had met earlier getting into a heated argument over some stallion and a terrifying pair of large teal eyes.
I ran a hand through my messy hair...
‘Well, at least it looks like I’m human again...’
Suddenly I felt something on my head that DEFINITELY wasn’t hair.
‘Wait…what in the hell is this?’
I pulled the object in question out of my hair and held it in front of my face; it was...A yellow feather? Suddenly there was a sigh of contentment coming from my right side as I felt myself being embraced. My head shot over to look at the source of the noise to reveal Fluttershy with a ruffled mane clinging to my side.
My eyes widened and I tried not to freak out as I turned my head to look at the ceiling again.
‘What happened last night?’
Author's Note
So the other day I gave my cow some FEED, and wouldncha' know it; she gave it right BACK!
Chapter Six: A Rude Awakening
Did you know that there are exactly 27 knots in the wood of the ceiling in Fluttershy’s bedroom? Or that she has seven birdhouses in there, three of which that hold a variety of sparrow? Did you know that I don’t care? Did you know that I know that you don’t care either?
Guess what? I don’t care that you don’t care. What in the hell was I supposed to do at the time? Waking up in an unfamiliar bed with a woman after a night of drinking; scratch that, a PONY mare, a woman would have been MUCH more preferable in this situation. I was freaking terrified.
Sure she was freaking adorable cuddling up next to me and drooling ever so slightly on my arm, but we aren’t even the same species! That is if I even have a species anymore... And to add to my list of unlucky occurrences this fine morning: My ‘Melanoma’ spots had spread to my arms and hands, still barely visible, but definitely there.
My thoughts and nervous counting of random objects around the room were interrupted by a slight shuffling to my side and a petite yawn that signaled the awakening of Fluttershy.
I was suddenly embraced just a little bit tighter by the pegasus as she whispered in my ear.
“Good morning Stanny Bear, how did you sleep?”
‘PET NAMES!?! Dear god, PLEASE don’t say I agreed to this.’
“Erm...J-just f-fine...”
She gently touched a hoof to my face and turned my head to look at her.
“Are you alright Stan? You’re shaking...”
‘Surprise surprise, apparently fear and nervousness make you shake *insert sarcastic eyeroll here*’
I let out a sigh before explaining.
“Well I uhhh...may not EXACTLY remember what happened last night...”
She looked at me confusedly for a moment before her eyes widened to the size of saucers. She managed to squeak out a small reply:
“Oh...My...”
My arm seemed to act on its own accord as it reached out and stroked her mane; she quickly calmed down, but I still needed answers from the pastel pegasus.
“So Fluttershy, can you tell me EXACTLY what happened last night?”
She looked around nervously for a moment, as if hatching a sort of escape plan. Unfortunately this escapee behavior forced me to put ‘Operation: Cuddle Capture’ into effect, much to my displeasure. Don’t get me wrong, in all honesty I’ve wanted to cuddle with one of these adorable ponies since I got here; however, I had hoped it would be in an innocent, platonic manner.
Anyways, I sat up and turned to grab Fluttershy in a large hug, ending any ideas or possibilities of escape. She made a small “eep!” in surprise, but didn’t fight my advance. After she was secured in my arms with her head resting on my shoulder, I whispered quietly into her ear.
“Please Flutters, I really want to know.”
She shivered at my use of her nickname, but ultimately relented.
“Fine... J-just promise you won’t be angry.”
“I promise.”
Stan had excused himself from the group of girls to use the restroom. It was quite obviously for reasons other than relieving himself judging by his unsteadiness and the sickly expression adorning his features.
The six mares, now without Stan in their midst, instantly began to gossip about the stallion in question. Fluttershy felt guilty talking about Stan behind his back, but wanted to hear the others’ opinions of him as much as they wanted to say them.
Twilight was the first to bring up the subject:
“So girls, what do you all think of Stan?”
Fluttershy began to answer quietly, nervousness evident in her voice.
“W-well, I think that I-”
“I think he’s super duper fantastically amazing! He loves to party and he’s random like me, plus he’s really really cute as a pony! Don’t you guys think so too?”
“A-actually Pinkie, I think he-”
“Yeah, and did you see the size of his wings!?! He must be able to fly soo fast; I have got to race him sometime!”
Although she was interrupted again, Fluttershy just smiled dreamily and opened her mouth to voice her agreement. Unfortunately, she wasn’t even allowed a word before Rarity butt-in.
“Rainbow Dash, I doubt he’d partake in such frivolous ventures; the stallion obviously has some experience with the refined side of life. Even if he was looking at my ‘junk’ so to speak, the voice he used on me earlier...” The unicorn involuntarily shuddered
“Sorry Rarity, but I hafta disagree. Although ahm none too fond of Stan, he is a bit of a looker; ah dun see much more outta him than to use as a ‘stress-reliever.’”
The other girls looked stunned by Applejack’s blunt statement; even Fluttershy narrowed her eyes at her earth pony friend.
Applejack just shrugged.
“Ahm the element of honesty, what’d ya expect?”
Twilight decided to end the shocked silence.
“Anyways...Although I will agree with you all that he is ‘cute,’ I think that it’s his origin that’s the most interesting. I mean imagine all of the things we could learn from him and his world! I’m definitely going to need to question him further.” She paused for a moment and put a hoof to her chin. “Speaking of Stan, he’s been in the bathroom for an awful long time...”
The girls looked at each other, nodded in unspoken agreement, and all made their way to the bathroom. Twilight, being in the front of the group, knocked on the door.
“Stan? Are you alright in there?”
There was no answer.
“Stan?”
Twilight and the girls were starting to get worried about their new friend.
“Consarnit Twilight! What are ya waitin fer? Just open up the door!”
Twilight looked back at Applejack nervously before covering the doorknob to the bathroom with her magic. Opening up the door revealed...
*Pomf*
Stan was passed out on the bathroom floor, again in his human form. Due to his lack of clothing as a pony...
“WHAAAT!!!”
Fluttershy winced in response to my outburst and gave me a small pout.
“You promised that you wouldn’t get angry...”
“*sigh* Sorry Fluttershy, I just did NOT expect that. Please continue.”
‘Dear lord, this can’t get any worse.’
Not five seconds after the door was opened, Applejack removed her hat and strategically tossed it to cover his ‘Stanhood’. It was then that they noticed that the entire party had quieted and was now staring through the doorway at the unconscious human; more specifically at the hat now covering his nether regions. Some ponies had faces of fear, some had faces of shock and, strangely enough, one teal unicorn in particular had a creepily large smile on her muzzle.
Rarity stepped in front of the doorway and spoke up, attempting to diffuse the obvious tension permeating the room.
“Go on; resume your partying, nothing to see here.”
Naturally, this did not faze even a small portion of Stan's apparent audience. Letting out a sigh, Twilight stepped forward to explain.
“That thing in there is Stan, he’s an alien but completely harmless.” She paused for a moment. “Just go back to the party please, it’s under control; we’re the elements of harmony after all.”
The crowd grudgingly dispersed and went back to their partying, albeit with much more whispering and rumor spreading than they were previously.
Twilight turned to speak to the group.
“That went surprisingly well, but now what are we going to do with him?”
The mares all looked towards the naked, drooling man unconscious on the bathroom floor.
“Actually, I would like to study him a little bit more and update the princess on the information I’ll learn about his species; I should take him to my library.”
“Well he’s passed out in my place! I should take Stanny Wanny!”
“I need to show him some of my new tricks, I should take him!”
“Rainbow, darling, not to burst your bubble but he likely cannot even stand in your cloud house; not to mention how you would even manage to get him there. Clearly I should take him so I may craft him some clothing to cover up that ‘thing’ of his.”
“Don’t even bother Rarity, ah’ll take Stan. Ah’ll just give him a burlap sack to cover up n’ put ‘im to work on mah farm; besides the critter owes me a new hat, ahm gonna hafta burn this ‘un.”
“Umm...Girls, I think that-”
The mares continued to bicker amongst themselves; again completely ignoring Fluttershy and not allowing her to get a word in.
Fluttershy was frustrated. SHE found Stan, SHE was housing him so clearly SHE deserved to take him home. They were fighting over poor Stan as if he was an object, and Fluttershy wasn’t going to take it anymore.
Fear the anger of a gentle mare.
“GIRLS!"
The five other mares turned to look at Fluttershy but immediately regretted it. They found themselves staring into a pair of seemingly soulless turquoise eyes filled with an immeasurable amount fury.
"You're all fighting over poor Stan like he's a prize! He may not be a pony, but he deserves the same respect as one!"
Stan stirred for a moment from all the commotion and lifted his head; upon seeing the eyes of the angry pegasus, he quickly passed out again.
"Now I'm taking Stan home, no ifs, ands, or buts."
Fluttershy trotted into the bathroom and struggled with wrapping a towel around the unconscious man's waist to replace Applejack's hat. Upon fulfilling this task, she turned to look at Twilight.
"Twilight, if you would be so kind."
The frazzled unicorn nodded and levitated Stan into the air then draped him belly first over Fluttershy's back. She struggled under his weight for a moment before slowly walking out of the bathroom and towards the front door of Sugarcube Corner, but not without accidentally hitting Stan's head against the bathroom doorway, eliciting a pained grunt from the human.
The gathering crowd parted to make way for the pegasus, one pony even going as far as to open the door for her. She left the building without another word.
Applejack watched the door close behind the mare before speaking.
"What in the hay just happened?"
Rarity stared at the closed door; as if afraid the angry pegasus would return.
"I believe we just made Fluttershy angry."
"I appreciate you standing up for me Fluttershy; it must have been hard yelling at your friends."
She pulled her head back and hid behind her mane.
"I-it was no trouble, they deserved it considering how they were treating you."
‘Okay, that explains the whole party situation, but how did I get into her bed and why am I naked again?’
“Now what happened after getting back from the party?”
Fluttershy looked scared; not just tense or frightened, but terrified.
“W-well on the w-way back, I m-may have accidentally d-dropped you...”
My eye twitched involuntarily, but I kept up my nice guy attitude.
“And...”
She looked away from me, clearly embarrassed.
“After that you w-woke up and offered to c-carry me home. You w-were very p-polite and c-cordial from then on.”
‘Note to self: getting drunk apparently turns me into a gentleman.’
“Did anything happen after we got back?”
“Y-yes...”
I raised an eyebrow at her.
“...Are you going to tell me?”
She sighed in defeat, realizing I clearly wasn’t going to drop the subject.
“Fine...W-we got inside and you w-were acting all romantic, so we made love-”
“WHAT!?!”
“-letters.”
She held up two pieces of paper, both with intricate writing scrawled upon their surfaces.
‘Note to self: I have better handwriting drunk than when I’m sober.’
I looked at the two letters she was somehow managing to hold with her hooves, basically telling physics: “F*** You.”
‘Another note: Ask how ponies write and carry things.’
She continued:
“After that you c-carried me upstairs to m-my room and dropped m-me on my b-bed.”
I gave her a slightly scared, quizzical look.
“Now why would I do that...?”
I had my guesses, but wasn’t going to voice them just yet.
“W-well, we played around a little bit.”
“M-meaning?”
“Just some board games.”
“*PHEW* you don’t know how happy I am to hear that Fluttershy.”
She pouted at me.
“But I’m not done.”
By that point I was fairly sure that the entire night was just a string of normal(ish) events without anything inappropriate; but I decided to humor her.
“Okay Fluttershy, what happened next?”
“We did it.”
My heart stopped as I let out a nervous chuckle.
“Did what? P-played Parcheesi?”
She looked me in the eyes and smiled.
“Nope, had sex.”
With that she hopped off the bed and trotted happily towards the door, leaving me frozen in place sitting up in her bed.
‘...’
“WHAT!?!”
“Do we really have to do this now Fluttershy?”
I was walking with a towel around my waist alongside the yellow pegasus to get to Rarity’s boutique, where I was to get measured for some clothing she was going to make for me.
“Yes, Rarity was generous enough to take time out of her busy day to make you some clothes it would be rude to refuse.”
“And you are in dire need of some clothing.”
Today I’ve learned a very important lesson about living in Equestria: Do NOT make Fluttershy angry. The only reason I was going along with this was because I didn’t want to see that crazy mare pissed-off twice in one day.
After that little ‘surprise’ she decided to lay on me this morning, I locked her out of her room and hid under the bed. Not one of my proudest moments, but neither was the one that followed. After several minutes of her trying to persuade me to open the door, she finally decided to fly outside and try to come in through the window. In order to keep her out, I had to come out from under the bed and hold the window closed manually. She was clearly getting frustrated, and it was then that she decided to look up at me in the eyes through the window. I shall not describe what I saw in those large turquoise pools, but what I will say is that I question whether or not this mare is a pony or a demon.
Anyways, we were about a quarter mile from the edge of Ponyville, her attempts at small talk were failing as I had little to no desire to speak at all. I was merely taking in my surroundings.
Finding me unwilling to partake in conversation, she began to trot in front of me. It was then that something rather peculiar happened. My eyes found themselves being drawn to the erm...'rear' in front of me. Psychologically speaking: She was a female sentient being from another world, I had not seen another human female over the past few days and this mare was human in all but body shape. My mind was looking for attractive features and clearly found one as I was now staring at it.
And yes, that was me covering myself for staring at her a**. But that wasn’t the peculiar part, what was peculiar was that my melanoma spotted arm slowly raised itself against my will, wiggled its fingers in my face and...
*SMACK*
Fluttershy and I froze.
She looked back at me in shock, then at my hand; now resting on her flank, covering her Buttoo.
I swear that I heard distant laughter in my head.
Again, she locked eyes with me.
“SORRY! I don’t know what just happened, I couldn’t help myself-”
‘That came out WRONG!’
Her face lost its shocked expression, but was quickly replaced with a sultry smirk.
“It’s fine Stanny, I understand COMPLETELY.”
She turned her head back forward and continued her trot.
‘*Phew* Dodged a bullet there.’’
The walk into town continued without a hitch, but I noticed that Fluttershy’s hips were swaying in a slightly exaggerated manner. I hope I didn’t hurt her with that random spank of mine.
Anyways, we entered into Ponyville and immediately all eyes were on me. Surprisingly enough, they weren’t looks of fear, merely of curiosity and in some cases...desire?
Fluttershy stopped in front of me and looked around at the ponies ogling my strange appearance, their faces immediately filled with terror and they went back to performing their mundane tasks, albeit stealing glances in my direction.
‘D*** Fluttershy, you scary.’
The Boutique was just 100ft ahead of us now.
“Fluttershy!”
“Fluttershy, ah just wanted to apologize fer how ah acted last night...”
‘Sappy apology? No thanks.’
I decided to just go into the Boutique and wait for Fluttershy there; I’m not one for ‘touching’ moments.
I was walking along a row of houses when I realized that I wasn’t moving forward; in fact I was levitating about one foot above the ground while covered by a billowing gold aura. Suddenly a door off to my right side was coated in a similar golden aura and opened up revealing nothing but darkness. I was quickly pulled in, unable to even scream as I was completely blinded by the darkness.
Almost immediately, I was forcibly pushed into a small chair, the aura never leaving me, thus still restricting my movements.
“Hello Stan, I’ve been waiting for you.”
‘Why does crazy s*** like this always happen to ME?’
Author's Note
I like to hear peoples opinions about this story, what is that stuff called again?
Feedsnack?
I’ll be honest here, the heavy breathing on the left side of my head was more than a little terrifying; these ponies may be adorable but d*** are they scary when they want to be. The aura that was still around my body illuminated the area just enough for me to see a sea foam tail with a white stripe running down its length swishing back and forth, in and out of my field of vision.
“Alrighty...Why exactly have you been waiting for me, and better yet, how do you know my name?”
The tail stopped swishing and suddenly disappeared from view. Next thing I knew there was a teal pony mare resting its forelegs on my shoulders staring crazily into my eyes with a large smile on its muzzle, her mane was frazzled and there were bags underneath her strikingly golden eyes.
“I’ve been waiting for you Stan...”
‘...Didn’t she just say that?’
“Okay...Why?”
She merely continued to stare into my eyes, though hers seemed to be moving ever so slightly left and right, as if she were scanning my face.
“Stan...Man...Hands...WANT!”
She screamed out the last part, surprising both me and apparently herself as she jumped back a couple of feet, her forelegs leaving my shoulders.
Suddenly her pupils shrunk and she began to speak in a very different tone of voice.
“No...I don’t want to hurt Stan.”
Her pupils grew again as she suddenly flipped around to respond to her own statement.
“But hands...need hands...YES!”
The creepy grin again spread across her face as her head turned at a snail’s pace to face me. A distant glow appeared in the darkness through one of the doorways in the house and slowly began to float its way towards me, as it came closer I noticed that it appeared to be snake-like as it seemed to slither in mid-air. Of course this was disproven as a rather long rope began to hover in front of my face and wrap around my legs and arms, further binding me to the chair. The knots were shoddy at best, but still managed to keep me secure as I squirmed around.
Another glow appeared through the doorway and shot towards me at a much faster pace; now what I saw would’ve made me s*** my pants if I were wearing any. A large butcher knife was hovering and twirling right in front of my face.
‘Why in the hell do these ponies have butcher knives? I thought they were herbivores!’
The mint green pony slowly began to take steps towards me as the knife hovered next to my left wrist, the smile never left her face.
“W-what are you doing?”
She narrowed her eyes.
“Hands...Want hands...”
She rested the hooves of forelegs on my thighs as she stared into my eyes again. Her head turned suddenly to the side to look at the knife now descending towards my wrist. I could do nothing but watch and squirm as the knife was within centimeters of my hand.
The knife’s advance stopped for a moment.
Suddenly the golden aura disappeared and the knife clattered to the floor, I looked back over at the pony and saw that my speckled right arm was now pinching a small point on her neck.
‘Okay, what just happened...that arm was bound a second ago...I didn’t do that.’
Her eyes rolled back into her head as she suddenly went limp and dropped, her head landing heavily right on my...
“JESUS CHRIST!!!”
“So ya see Fluttershy, ahm’ really sorry for how ah- no we acted last night. We didn’t letcha speak yer piece on what to do with Stan...”
Fluttershy was glad that her friend had seen the error of her ways, but she was still missing one key piece in this apology.
“It’s not me you should be saying sorry to, it’s Stan that deserves an apology- I mean if that’s alright with you...”
A scowl quickly appeared on Applejack’s features.
“Ah ain’t apologizing to that no-good stallion, no way no how.”
Fluttershy opened her mouth to chastise her friend, but was cut off by a loud yell.
“JESUS CHRIST!!!”
‘That sounded like Stan!’
Fluttershy quickly turned from her friend and ran in the direction of the yell, she came upon a house with the door opened just barely agape. She quickly flung it open and jumped inside.
What she saw surprised her, angered her and admittedly...turned her on.
Stan was bound in a chair with one arm free; his free hand was resting on the back of a mint green pony’s head whose muzzle was buried in his crotch. Stan’s head was lolled back in the chair; his eyes were glazed over and his tongue was hanging out of his mouth.
“Oh...My...”
Pain...Never before had I felt such an immeasurable amount of pain in my life, I had been racked before, but no kick in the balls had ever been so...Painful. I mean seriously, this pony’s head was like a sack of bricks.
When I finally made it past the intense ache in my crotch and gained awareness of my surroundings, what I saw almost made me wish that the pain had sent me into unconsciousness.
Light was shining through the doorway to the house casting a shadow over the pony standing there in front of the portal. She was slightly hunched over in a pouncing position, her wings spread out menacingly and a snarl present on her face. The yellow rays of sunlight seemed to make her glow with a golden hue, every feather and feature outlined in the amber light. Her teal eyes were narrowed and her teeth seemed strikingly white. It was shocking, it was terrifying, and it was, dare I say...Sexy.
Now I’m not into bestiality, but I couldn’t help but feel a little pride in myself at the moment with the thought: ‘Yeah, I tapped that.’
Her lips barely moved as she spoke in a dangerous tone with her teeth still bared.
“Stan, what is going on here?”
I looked down at my aching crotch realized the implications of my current situation, the sea foam unicorn and I were in a VERY suggestive set of positions.
“Th-This isn’t what it looks like.”
My tone was an octave higher than usual for several reasons dealing with fear, frustration and...
“Dear god this hurts! Fluttershy, could you just please untie me?!?”
She suddenly stood back up and gazed at me in confusion before realization struck. Her face suddenly was filled with concern as she ran towards me.
“Oh dear! Oh dear! Oh dear!”
She quickly began to attempt to untie the ropes using her teeth. The unicorn’s head was still in my lap, but I just didn’t have the heart to just toss it off with my free hand. She may have tried to cut my hand off, but I wasn’t so evil at to risk giving her a concussion by dropping her head on the hard floor.
‘D*** you conscience...’
After a few moments of Fluttershy struggling with the ropes on my left arm, I was finally freed to remove the pony’s head from my lap and untie my legs; hands make things a helluva lot easier.
Now there was the the question of whether or not I should tie up this apparent serial killer and report her to the authorities, assuming there are authorities in this town.
“S-Stan, w-what happened?”
I let out a long sigh.
“I’m not entirely sure Fluttershy, one minute I was walking to the boutique, the next I was whisked inside by this psychopath’s magic and tied to a chair.”
Fluttershy seemed taken aback for a moment and turned towards the unconscious unicorn in the dimly lit room.
“*Gasp* That’s Lyra! She would never do anything like that!”
‘Bulls*** she wouldn’t, that psycho nearly cut my hand off!’
Of course I didn’t actually SAY that, but I thought it in my head REALLY hard.
“Well she did. Do you guys have any sort of police force I could contact?”
Fluttershy gave me a look of befuddlement.
“You know, authorities?”
Her look didn’t change.
“Okaaaay...”
‘Is this place really so innocent as to not have any cops?’
“Alright, do you have a number to a psycho ward that I could give a call?”
She tilted her head at me.
“Call?”
‘Right, no phones...’
“You know what? Screw it, let’s leave the deranged psychopath laying here so she can zero in on her next victim.”
“A-alright...”
Fluttershy turned to the doorway and briskly trotted outside.
My palm swiftly met my face at her complete obliviousness to my sarcasm, but I followed her nonetheless; let that psycho be someone elses problem.
“-and when I walked in, Stan was tied to the chair!”
A couch suddenly appeared behind Rarity as she fell backwards, all the while her horn continued to glow, levitating the measuring tape she was currently using to figure my dimensions. I’ll admit it, I was still impressed despite its clear theatricality.
“Why that is absolutely DREADFUL! Are you alright Stan?”
“Yeah yeah, I’m fine, can we just get this done please?”
She waved her hoof dismissively.
“I’m almost finished finding your dimensions; I’m dreadfully sorry but you ARE a new species to Equestria after all.”
I sighed but didn’t say anything more as she darted around jotting down my various measurements using the pen and notepad floating next to her head.
“And...Done!”
The measuring tape quickly darted away from me and I was finally allowed to stretch and work out the kink in my back that appeared not long after she forced me to stand straight up.
*Crack*
‘Ahhh yeah...’
My moment of bliss was cut short by a sharp intake of breath to my side followed by a *pomf*.
‘Oh God D*** it.’
I quickly shot my hands to the floor and gathered up my towel, clumsily wrapping it around my torso.
“When are those clothes going to be done again?”
I looked over towards Rarity and saw that she a had a mischievous smirk on her face accompanying her blush.
“A week or so.”
‘A week!?!’
“You’re kidding right?”
She merely shrugged at me.
“I’m afraid not. You’re an entirely new species Stan, not to mention I have many other orders I need to take care of first.”
Unfortunately she had a point.
“Alright...Come on Fluttershy, we best be heading back to your place; I don’t recall you feeding the animals this morning after my little ‘episode.’”
Fluttershy was still frozen in place after that little incident, but after a moment managed to slowly nod and follow me out the door. The fact that her wings had yet to return to their resting position was making me feel a little uneasy.
The trip back to her place was awkward and quiet as the sun had began to set in the sky.
‘Rarity definitely took her sweet time measuring me; those clothes had better be freaking amazing.’
Upon arriving she quickly set about feeding the plethora of animals around the house and despite my help it still took around an hour. By the time we were finished, the sun had completely set in the sky and we went in to eat a simple dinner consisting of hay and salad, one of which I refused to eat, you can probably figure out which one of the two it was. D*** did I miss meat...
The dinner was almost completely silent other than some idle chit-chat here and there while Fluttershy awkwardly played with her food. Soon we cleaned up the table before heading upstairs to go to bed. I walked her up to her door, opened it and gestured for her to go inside, after which I slowly began to pull the door shut.
“Umm St-Stan?”
‘*Sigh* I knew this was coming...’
“What is it Fluttershy?”
She began to nervously paw at the floor.
“A-aren’t you going to c-come in and s-sleep with me?”
‘This girl has to have Multiple Personalities Disorder, one moment she takes advantage of me being drunk, the next she’s...Adorably shy.’
“I’d rather not if it’s all the same to you-”
Suddenly her hoof hit the floor rather hard, causing a resounding thump to fill the room.
“Stanny Bear...”
‘Great, I unwillingly entered into a relationship while I was drunk and now I’m not even the Alpha male.’
“*Sigh* Fine Fluttershy, whatever you say...”
She lifted her head up and gave me a beaming smile before quickly hopping into bed. Closing the door behind me, I grudgingly entered the room and got into bed with her. The bed was still quite small, offering little room for the both of us and causing my legs to still hang off the end. Of course this didn’t seem to bother her as she wrapped her forelegs around me and pressed her head to my chest.
She suddenly pulled back for a moment, looking into my eyes and giving me a small peck on the nose.
“Goodnight Stan.”
‘If only she were human...’
“Goodnight Flutters...”
It wasn’t long before I heard a light snore in front of me; I was quick to follow.
Author's Note
Like a pro, I wasn't aware of Lyra being cliche until AFTER I wrote this chapter. I've done my best to separate myself from the pack, but still feel like a total dunce.
Again, Feedback of any sort is appreciated!
Chapter Eight: A Hare-able Day
Let’s do a little recap here: Yesterday morning I had woken up next to a pegasus pony of the female variety and had quickly learned the implications of my drunken state the night prior:
I had sexual relations with said pony.
Don’t ask me how it happened, or how one would even go about doing such an act; I was obviously quite intoxicated at the time and the mere thought of the deed that I had apparently performed makes me feel more than a little queasy.
When I woke up this morning, was I expecting some sort of break from the insanity that is now my life?
Not really, no.
Would it have been a kind gesture by fate?
Hells yeah.
But noooooooo, my destiny is to forever be the laughing stock of existence...
Being semi-conscious can really screw with your mind.
Myself, being in that mysterious state of half-sleep, felt a large, warm, fuzzy mass and was quickly drawn to it, even going as far as beginning to nuzzle up against it. I blame instincts of course, which were quickly overridden as I heard soft laughter and the fuzzy mass shake in-tune with the aforementioned giggle.
My brain began acting on hyperdrive as I realized just what this mass was and the possible implications of my actions. I opened my eyes and attempted to scurry away from the yellow pegasus. I did NOT want to encourage this insane mare.
But naturally, as soon as I opened my eyes, my sight was met with nothing but yellow as I felt two rather large forelegs quickly wrap around me to pull my now apparently miniscule form close, like one would do with a stuffed animal, quickly ending my attempted escape. Of course that didn’t stop me from attempting to use my now fuzzy little black paws to try and extricate myself from her grip.
‘Paws...Well...At least it’s something new...My thoughts sound different all of the sudden.’
Unfortunately, I was unable to look myself over as per usual to figure out just what the hell I was this time due to Fluttershy’s death hold, but at least it appeared that she wasn’t awake despite the giggling I had heard moments prior.
‘Now what do I do?’
After an embarrassingly long period in which I thought of many deviously clever ideas that admittedly...All failed; I finally had an idea that involved me tickling her with my feet, or whatever the heck they were. This of course ran the risk of her awakening, but I was getting thoroughly annoyed at the time for a number of reasons, the foremost being that I was completely helpless against the choke hold of Big-Bertha-Shy.
Anyways, I proceeded to tickle her chest with my now, well, rather long feet. As planned, she let out a giggle and quickly moved her forehooves off of me and towards the origin of the tickling sensation. I immediately took advantage and hopped out of her grasp towards freedom.
Little known fact: Not only is Fluttershy half-pony half-demon, she is also apparently half-feline as well. That's right, this girl is 150%; 50% more than anyone/pony else.
Not a quarter of a second after lift-off, her right forehoof shot out like lightning and grabbed my foot in mid-air.
'How in the hell do these ponies have the ability to grip with those hooves of theirs!?!'
She did the pony's version of sitting up in bed and dangled me upside down in front of her face. She spun me around to face her, a confused expression adorning her features.
"I don't remember having any black bunnies with white spots living around here."
'Okay, I'm a bunny, that much should've been obvious. Looks like my spots are still hanging around too, where are they this time though?'
I looked up, relative to my dangling position, at my body and saw that my belly to my chest area was covered in white polka dots. I looked back at Fluttershy, who was giving me a gentle smile.
"What are you doing here little girl?"
I felt my blood run cold.
'Did she just say...No. F***ing. Way.'
My right paw drifted to my nether regions where I found... Nothing, that's right, not a F***ing thing.
'...'
Fluttershy smiled at the small bunny dangling from her hoof.
"What are you doing here little girl?"
The bunny froze, her eyes going wide simultaneously as its paw moved towards its groinal area. Suddenly the bunny began to thrash around in her grasp, an angry expression on its face as it squeaked repeatedly at nothing in particular.
Fluttershy, who had realized that she was dangling the bunny upside down, immediately thought that this was the reason for its sudden outburst and quickly placed the bunny on the bed, letting out a string of apologies.
“Oh my! I’m so sorry! Don't hate me!"
The bunny flopped onto its back and began to roll around, still letting out a colorful string of squeaks.
"What's wrong? Was it something I said?"
The bunny's only answer was to begin pawing at its crotch, letting out an occasional, much more desperate sounding squeak. It started to pant from a mixture of exhaustion and...something else, before finally giving in and resting on the bed with its tongue lolled out of its mouth, breathing heavily.
Fluttershy wasn't entirely sure how to respond to the bunny's random outburst, so she merely picked the tired little thing up and nuzzled it gently.
"It's alright, you're going to be fine."
Fluttershy didn't see it, but the bunny was rolling its eyes. Fluttershy pulled the bunny away from her face and looked at it with a calm smile.
"All better?"
The bunny harrumphed, yet nodded curtly at her.
"Good, now I have to freshen up for the day, so I'll meet you downstairs to feed you after I'm done. Okay?"
The bunny still didn't seem happy, but nodded at Fluttershy nevertheless and that was all she needed. Fluttershy set the bunny down, trotted to the restroom and closed the door, one thought in the forefront of her mind:
'Where is Stan?'
Ya' know, I never realized just how many expletives a man can come up upon reaching their breaking point. Nor did I think that pawing at my now newly found 'taco' while yelling/squeaking "Come on!" and "Come back!" desperately would actually give me a pleasurable sensation.
I gotta say:
Bertha-Shy had finally gone out of the room, but now I ran into the issue of finding out it what exactly I was supposed to do. Things didn't turn out so nice for me last time I went into Ponyville for help, so that was out of the question, and I couldn't communicate with Fluttershy so she couldn't offer me any help either. The best I could do was wait it out and act like a regular old bunny for a day; if it was like every other time I'd transformed into something strange, then I'd be human by nightfall.
What's the worst that could happen?
I left Fluttershy’s room via the doggy door and descended the steps with little issue. I was actually quite hungry at the time due to it being early morning, so I figured that I might as well head into the kitchen to wait for Flutters so she could give me a carrot or something.
It was there that I met my second snag of the day in the form of a similarly sized white rabbit, the very same one I met on my second day of being in pony-land.
Anyways, the rabbit was standing on the table, likely in a similar position to my own in waiting for Fluttershy so he could get his paws on some food. Upon seeing me hop in, his eyes went wide, an impossible 'AOOOGA' noise playing in the background, like the horn on a Ford model T.
I could only assume as to what that meant...
'Great, not only was I the sexiest beast alive when I was a horse; apparently I'm the Megan Fox of bunnies.'
The rabbit gawked at me for a moment before gathering himself and giving me a 'sup' nod.
I rolled my eyes at him and hopped over to the counter, using the handles on the drawers to climb up. Clearly, he didn't get the hint of me NOT jumping up next to him as he jumped off the table, hopping towards where I was now resting on the countertop.
He quickly scaled the drawer handles and hopped up next to me. When I scooted away, he followed; when I decided move to the table, unsurprisingly, he made the same decision.
I finally snapped when the little moron decided to squeeze my fluffy, cotton tail. It was an unnecessary and unwelcome advance; so I did the first thing that came to mind: I socked him one right on the cheek.
Now this didn't exactly get the response that I was hoping for...
Suddenly, his ears shot straight up with an audible *FWOOMP* as he put a paw to his raw cheek, a silly smirk adorning his features.
I, again, rolled my eyes at him.
'Great, the bunny's a masochist... Well Mister Snowball, let's see how you like this.'
I turned towards him, my frustration almost bubbling out of me as I drew my leg back and...
*SMACK*
His paws instantly went to his groin as he fell to the table rolling around in pain. Ironically enough, his rolling was so excessive that he actually managed to fall of the table entirely, thus creating even more pain for himself.
Now, for once I was feeling a little guilty, I knew EXACTLY what he was going through and I didn’t like it one bit. This guilt, however, was quickly dashed away when he looked up at me from the floor with tears of pain in his eyes and a smile on his face as he pulled one paw from his crotch to give me the 'call me' motion. How was this possible considering the clear lack of technological communication in this place? I don’t know.
Some people/ponies/animals are just freaking screwed up.
"Little girl? Where are you?"
'Well crap.'
Fluttershy trotted through the doorway and gasped at the White bunny tearing up on the floor.
"Angel!"
'His name is really Angel? Phhhhht- hahaha!'
She quickly scooped him up and cradled him in her forehooves, speaking to him gently.
"What happened?"
He glanced over at me for a moment before making several complex hand-gestures at Fluttershy, causing her to, unsurprisingly, gasp again.
"You fell off the table? Oh you poor dear! Where does it hurt?"
The newly named-at least to me-Angel seemed nervous at the question as his eyes shifted back and forth in thought.
"Don't worry, I can kiss it to make it all better." She offered him a small smile.
Angel was not at all appeased by these words, in fact they seemed to have him more unnerved than ever. He was likely mere moments from ratting me out.
Luckily, right before he began his crazy form of gesture communication, there was a sudden knock at the front door causing Fluttershy to set Angel down on the table.
"Just one moment Angel, I need to get that."
Immediately after she was out of the kitchen, Angel's paws went straight back to his bunny-hood as he winced.
Out of curiosity, I hopped off the table and followed Fluttershy out the doorway and into the living room, leaving Angel to his own devices on top of the table. I was sure he'd be fine, I only gave him 60% power after all.
After I was through the doorway I saw Flutters begin to open the door, revealing none other than...
'Oh god, why in the hell did it have to be her?'
Figure it out yet? I'll give you a hint, she's sea green, enjoys walks on the beach and is an INSANE PSYCHOPATHIC SERIAL KILLER!
Yeah, her.
Fluttershy tensed up upon seeing the mint unicorn in her doorway.
"What is it you need Heartstrings?"
"I-is Stan around?"
'Dang it girl, leave me alone!'
"No, I haven't seen him today. I was actually considering going to your place to make sure he wasn't foalnapped again."
I honestly couldn't tell if Fluttershy was being protective or territorial; hopefully the former, but either way that unicorn was f***ed.
She managed a stuttery reply.
Fluttershy’s demeanor took a complete 180 at her words.
"Oh! I have so many wonderful pets for you to choose from! I even have a song I can sing if it will help you choose! -Now Lyra my dear I cannot express my deli-”
‘Ouch, that’s just cold.’
“Actually, I uhh...” She shifted her gaze through the doorway and locked eyes with me. A smile spread across her face.
‘Oh god! Please no!’
I was lifted off the ground in a billowing teal aura and quickly shot towards the doorway.
‘NOOOOO-’
“I already had something in mind, this bunny is perfect! How much do I owe you for him?”
“Well, thirty bits but it’s actually a gir-”
Lyra cut her off in the nick of time.
“Perfect. I actually don’t have any bits on me right now, so stop by my place anytime you’re in town to pick up the money. See ya later Fluttershy!”
“O-okay. Bye Ly-”
The door was suddenly covered in a teal aura and slammed shut in Fluttershy’s face.
‘OH DEAR GOD! WHY ME?!?’
We weren’t even 100 feet out from Fluttershy’s place before the unicorn began speaking to herself again, this time in that creepy voice from yesterday.
“Stan... Stan has hands. Want hands. YES!”
Her tone again reverted to regular old speech.
“He wasn’t there Dyra, and even if he was, I don’t think that I could handle Fluttershy alone. Sorry, but no hands today.”
Her head suddenly whipped to the side to look at me, a broad grin was on her face.
“But you’re not alone...And hands...Need HANDS!”
‘Well this day is turning out fantabulous...’
We arrived at Lyra’s home after an extremely long and annoying argument between her and... Dyra involving the uses of hands, which was quite one-sided. Here’s an excerpt:
As you can imagine, I wasn’t in the best of moods. This was made all the worse after we arrived at her home and she stepped through the doorway.
“Okay little bunny, I have to go do some...Things.”
She levitated me over to a rather large cage in dark corner of the room that I failed to notice last time I was here.
She turned to face me with a creepy smile.
“This cage was built for something much bigger and...Smarter than you. I’m sure it will be like a mansion to your standards.”
The aura suddenly disappeared and I dropped head first onto the hard bottom of the cage.
I just laid there for a moment as my vision began to get fuzzy watching her glowing horn disappear through a doorway.
‘Wow...What a douche...’
I soon lost consciousness.
‘Ugh...Please tell me I’m not a human again. For once that would be a bad thing.’
I took a hand and put it to my aching head.
‘Crap.’
I stood up shakily, and saw through a tiny crack between the curtains that the sun had already set in the sky.
“*sigh*”
‘Not sure if I should be happy or mad that this nightmare of a day is almost over. I spent nearly all of it unconscious and considering the fact that I probably have a concussion, that can't be very good.’
There was the sound of hooves clopping against wood above my head, reminding me that I was sharing this house with a psychopath and needed to get the heck out of there. Looking up, I noticed that she hadn't even bothered to shut the top of the cage considering my meager size as a bunny.
'Well, better to escape now than never.'
Using the edge of the opening on the cage, I hoisted myself on top of it. Unfortunately, I was none to graceful afterwards...
*BOOM*
"S***!"
There was a sudden silence as I laid there on the hard floor and the clopping of hooves above me stopped abruptly. Then, they suddenly started back up at a much more rapid pace.
'No No No No No! Not her!'
I picked myself up off the floor just as fast as possible and ran towards the front door. As I reached for the doorknob the clopping of hooves stopped again, replaced by heavy breathing behind me.
Turning around, I saw Lyra standing there on the top of the steps, a silly grin on her muzzle and a butcher knife levitating close by.
"HANDS!"
I opened the door and booked it the heck out of there.
I failed to remember a key thing when running out the door into the cool air of dusk: I was, again, completely nude.
So naturally, I was forced to streak through the freaking market, where the ponies were putting away their wares and closing up shop. One of which, I noticed to be...The red stallion.
I refused to look at any of them and kept facing forward, I did however hear some jerk whistle at me.
Rolling my eyes, I continued my sprint to Fluttershy’s cottage.
Fluttershy was sitting at her table, overcome with worry for Stan while she played with the salad in her bowl
She was sure that he could take care of himself, however, that didn’t stop her from talking to all of her friends asking if they’d seen him that day. The fact that none of them had worried her immensely.
‘Oh my. I hope the poor dear didn’t go into the Everfree!’
Fluttershy was almost ready to jump out of her chair and fly out the door, when she heard it fly open.
“JESUS! What a rush!”
The pegasus was out of her chair in less than a second and cautiously walked to her kitchen doorway. Her eyes went wide when she saw Stan hunched over and panting in front of the door.
“STAN!”
She flew towards him at high velocity and bowled him over.
“What the-”
“-f***”
‘Couldn’t I get just a one minute break before being knocked onto the floor?’
The yellow pegasus had both her hind-legs and fore-legs wrapped around me, hugging herself close to me tightly. Apparently she hadn’t seen the fact that I was naked yet as her wings were still lying flat on her back.
Her head was still buried into my chest as she spoke.
“I was so worried about you! Where have you been?”
“Well le-”
I was cut-off as she suddenly pulled her head back from my chest and pressed her lips against mine. My eyes widened in surprise at the sudden advance, and considering the fact that my head and back were on the floor, I couldn’t pull away; however, I didn’t even have the chance to try before she pulled off herself.
She stood over me, a blush adorning her features and a slight smile on her face. I was frozen in shock at what had just occurred, but quickly caught my bearings and replied to her question.
“W-well let’s just say my day was f***ing terrible and leave it at that.”
She tilted her head at me.
“What does f*** mean? You’ve been saying it an awful lot...”
My eyes again widened in shock.
‘Did I really just teach an innocent pony the word F***?’
“Fluttershy, NEVER say that word again.”
She pouted at me.
“Why not?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose as I sighed.
“It’s a slang term from my world used either in anger or when referring to...Intercourse-” Her eyes widened. “Just please don’t use it again.”
She nodded at me.
“...May I please stand up now?”
She clumsily got off me as I began to rise from the floor.
*POMF*
‘Oh god d***it.’
Fluttershy was frozen in place staring at my privates. I walked around her, yet she continued to stare at where I just was. She didn’t even flinch after I waved my hand in front of her face.
Shrugging, I went into the kitchen to get something to eat.
Luckily, there was a perfectly good uneaten bowl of salad on the table, I quickly took the bowl and made short work of it. After finishing, I went back into the living room where Fluttershy was and saw that she was STILL staring at where I just was with her wings erect.
By this point, I figured that she’d snap out of it eventually so I just went up the steps to go to bed, her clock said it was eleven after all.
When walking down the hallway to the guest room, I paused in front of her bedroom door.
'Either way, she's going to climb into bed with me... Might as well use the larger bed in her room.'
Making my decision, I opened the door and stepped into her room, unfortunately, my towel wasn't around, so I had to jump into bed commando. Frankly, I was too worn out to care.
Soon there was trotting outside the bedroom door, followed by Fluttershy peeking in with a smile on her face.
"So Stan..."
"Yes Fluttershy?"
"Wanna f***?"
Author's Note
I gave a choice between awkward and non-awkward for the beginning of next chapter to my readers and well...
... May God have mercy on your souls.
The Discord plot will have much more credence starting next chapter and on from there.
Chapter Nine: Un Poco Problema
Have you ever been stu-.your sanity, I'm going to skip all the jargon and dive headfirst into one of the worst days of my life.
You’re welcome.
It had been a while since the whole bunny Dyra fiasco, though not much had changed. I had avoided Lyra like the plague. I now had some impressive facial stubble. I had yet to hear anything from their ‘benevolent dictator.’ Fluttershy was still 'Flirtershy' and I still didn't have my clothing even though I knew my pants were finished. To my chagrin, Rarity insisted that I wait for the entire outfit to be completed. When I tried to insist otherwise she blew up at me. I mean all I wanted was a freaking pair of pants so I could lose the towel, was that really so much to ask? The only thing she offered me was a crudely made pair of briefs, otherwise known as tighty whities, so I still had to wear the towel around to keep my embarrassment to a minimum.
But I'm ranting about something fairly insignificant, pants wouldn't have done me much good anyways. If anything, they would have made my day all the worse.
It was a Saturday morning, the day of Fluttershy’s big tea party with her friends, something which I was luckily, or maybe unluckily, excused from. I was in high spirits the night prior for Saturday would mark one full week without any sort of transformation. This small anniversary lulled me into a slight sense of security, believing that my plight was merely a strange, temporary reaction to the magic/gamma rays in this place that would never appear again.
Oh how wrong I was.
Twas a pleasant morning, a bit humid perhaps, but the temperature was just right despite me wearing nothing but the undies Rarity crafted for me.
I should probably clarify; it would’ve been a pleasant morning if one were to take into consideration the conditions alone. I on the other hand woke up to a surprise rafting session down the perilous Flutter-Valley.
Oh you’ve never been down Flutter-Valley? Well it’s quite lovely this time of year. It can be humid at times, and the shoreline can become quite slippery but it really is a nice place to sit back and unwind.
I hope that you’re sensing my sarcasm here.
It was clear that once again the world had decided to screw me over, though this time it was just sick and wrong in every sense of the two words. I was but an inch tall and located somewhere that I’d rather not be, ya know, EVER.
Behind me, and well, on top of me, Fluttershy was having a rather vulgar dream, ergo the surprise rafting session
“Oh Stan...mmph.”
‘Oh God, why me?’
Honestly, if I wasn't currently being *erm* well, trapped by the girl, I might’ve been flattered by her interest in me. By pony standards, Fluttershy was like a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model; heck, Rarity said that at one point she actually was a model for some eccentric designer named Photo Finish. If there weren’t such an underwhelming population of stallions in Ponyville, I’m sure they’d all fawn over her. Unfortunately this wasn’t the case, and she had chosen to pursue me, a being from another world and of a completely different species.
She suddenly lifted her body off of my miniscule form, giving me plenty of time to escape Flutter-Valley, unfortunately this only led to having a substantially less moist part of her fall on me abruptly. Caught by surprise, I began to thrash around, only managing to get myself hopelessly tangled in Godzilla-Shy’s pink tail.
‘Well this is just peachy. Something tells me that this is going to be a long day.’
And for once, I was actually right.
"*Yawn*"
“Oh what a beautiful morning."and a fantastic dream...’
“...Stan?”
Picking herself up and off the bed, she gazed around the room a little bit and noticed the bedroom door slightly ajar.
“Oh... He must have already left to meet up with Spike...”
Frowning slightly, she turned her head back towards the bed; more specifically at the slightly damp towel lying on it.
“Oh my, did Stan wet the bed?”
Lowering her head, she sniffed the towel out of curiosity, but quickly pulled her head back.
“Oh no, I didn’t do anything to Stan while he slept did I? I hope I didn’t scare the poor dear off...”
She trotted out of the bedroom and using her wings fluttered down the staircase, at the end of which she landed and turned into the kitchen. On top of the kitchen table, staring her down, sat an irritated-looking Angel tapping his foot on the table and gesturing towards the clock on the wall behind her. The pegasus tilted her head at the bunny for a moment before turning around, her eyes going wide.
"Oh no! Angel, the girls will be here any minute!"
The bunny's paw swiftly met his face as his owner began to fly around the kitchen, rapidly setting out cups and putting her teapot on the stove.
Angel hopped off the table and out of the kitchen, leaving Fluttershy in her stressed state to finish preparing the table for the girls.
"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! *gasp* I haven't brushed my mane and tail yet! Rarity is going to have a fit!"
The pastel pegasus shot out of the kitchen and into the living room. Opening the door to her downstairs bathroom, she quickly jumped inside.
Angel, who was currently 'busy' in the bathroom, noticed the door open and quickly pulled the hair brush with crudely taped on black paper ears away from his lips and attempted to hide it behind his back.
"Oh Angel! Could you please use that brush to groom my mane and tail for me? Stan isn't here and my long handled brush is upstairs."
The bunny, just happy that his owner had apparently not noticed his little make out session with the brush, quickly pulled the makeshift ears off of the hairbrush and set about grooming the pony's mane and tail.
Not long after he began, they were interrupted by a knocking at the cottage’s front door followed by a refined voice.
*knock* *knock* *knock*
"Oh my!"
Fluttershy suddenly turned around and flew out of the room, pulling the brush still stuck in her tail out of Angel's grasp and with her to the door.
She stopped in front of it for a moment to look herself over and upon noticing the brush, quickly flicked her tail sending it sailing over to her couch.
Taking a deep breath, she gathered herself before opening the door.
"Umm. Hello girls."
The white unicorn in front of the spectrum of ponies tilted her head at the shy pegasus.
"Well, aren't you going to invite us in?"
The pegasus' head shot up, blushing slightly in embarrassment.
"Oh! Yes of course, come right in."
The group of ponies trotted passed the pegasus into her abode, soon followed by a poofy, white cat.
"I hope you don't mind that I brought Opal, the dear simply would not let me leave my boutique without her."
"Of course I don't mind, make yourselves at home. Umm, I'll go brew the tea."
Fluttershy began to trot towards the kitchen, but was stopped by a certain cyan colored pegasus who whispered something in her ear. The butter yellow pony's eyes opened wide for a moment as she looked confusedly at her friend.
"No Rainbow Dash, I'm sorry but I don't have any cid-"
The Rainbow maned pegasus shot a hoof to Fluttershy’s mouth.
"Hahaha such a Kidder..."
She wore a sheepish expression as Rarity rolled her eyes and muttered "How un-ladylike" to no one in particular.
Twilight sparkle, who had been following Fluttershy to the kitchen, turned back to the other four ponies in the living room.
"Shall we?"
Rainbow Dash lazily hovered over to the couch and dropped back-first on top of it.
"You guys go on ahead, wake me your tea is done."
Applejack snorted at her friend's display.
"Alright Rainbum Dash, we'll letcha know. Come on Pinkie."
Pinkie narrowed her eyes and frowned slightly at the brush, now on the floor next to the couch, before instantly brightening up and following Applejack into the kitchen.
"Okay dokie lokie!"
You know, I actually learned quite a few things while being stuck in Fluttershy’s tail and brush. Firstly, I had completely forgotten about my guy-time with spike. Secondly, her tail smells like roses. Thirdly, Fluttershy has a long handled brush and is capable of using it herself. The sneaky jerk had been using her lesser known, yet still potent, 'puppy dog eyes' stare to get me to brush her mane for the past week.
*erm*
Anyways, moving on: Fourth, I'm apparently capable of withstanding a surprisingly sizeable amount of G's without being knocked out. And lastly, Rainbow Dash's wings are ticklish.
Now, I'm sure you're wondering just how I figured that last one out. Don’t worry, I'll get to it in a moment.
I'd start at the point where I became stuck in Fluttershy’s hairbrush, but frankly not a heck of a lot happened afterwards besides me screaming like a little girl as I was thrown around like a child's toy.
Let's start at the point where I managed to become unstuck from the hairbrush on the couch hmm?
*ahem*
Well, obviously after a fair amount of struggling I was able to extricate myself from the brush after it had landed on the couch, just in time to watch the group of ponies file into Fluttershy’s cottage, followed by Rarity's demon of a cat.
'Crap, something tells me the cat is gonna cause me some trouble.'
I know that Rarity has this thing with calling every living being 'dear' or 'darling,' but I still don't understand how she could call that creature of her's a term of endearment. It might just be owing to the fact that it decided to shred my towel the first time I saw it, but I really despised the freaking thing.
I got bits and pieces of their conversation as I watched them from the couch, though nothing really of interest occurred. Well, that was until I was watching Flutters on her way out of the living room and Rainbow Dash caught me off guard by deciding to plop back-first onto the couch.
Upon retrospect, just sitting there on the couch spying on the ponies probably wasn't the best possible thing I could've done at the time, but I was... Distracted.
'Dat a**'
Call me a pervert, call me a bestialitist, but being stuck in a land full of sentient female ponies and no humans in sight, even if just for a week, will give you some...Ideas.
*erm* Anyways, being caught with tunnel vision, I was completely unaware of the cyan pegasus then hovering above me. The shadow should have been a dead giveaway, but it wasn’t until the plummeting that I actually noticed her.
‘What the- AHH’
“Fu-OOF!”
‘Crap.’
Luckily the feathery part of her right wing was the only things that had caught me; I was pinned but remained uninjured minus the slight blow to my dignity, but honestly who cares about that?
'Fricking monster ponies, do you guys even watch for others?'
I can only imagine the mortality rate of smaller, inconspicuous creatures and insects in Equestria; these ponies clearly either have terrible senses or simply don't care to watch where they're going. In Rainbow’s case, I’m sure it’s the latter more than anything.
Staying still under her wing was getting me nowhere, so I did what any rational person would do if they were shrunken down and...trapped under a mythical pegasus’ wing...
Okay, not a rational person, more like a person in a psycho-ward suffering from an odd hallucination semi-similar to my nightmare of a life.
Anyways, I began to struggle about, attempting to make headway in removing myself from her wing as she quickly fell asleep and began to snore. Believe it or not, I was actually managing to inch my way out from under the thing, my progress made all the easier as Rainbow’s body began to shake and slightly lift off of me as she chuckled.
‘Okay she’s ticklish... and it's helping me escape, so is this a good thing?’
Suddenly her wing shot out with a *pomf* and I was flung weightless into the air.
‘Nope...’
I shot up like a bullet, momentum taking me a sizable distance into the air before my acceleration ceased and I began to plummet. Strangely enough, that was the exact time that Twilight walked into the room, my trajectory sending me straight in her direction. More specifically at her head.
“Rainbow Dash! The tea is finished.”
“OOF!”
“*yawn* How long was I out?”
My gravity suddenly shifted as Twilight tilted her head and I was forced to grab onto one of her ‘ropes’ of hair. A giant hoof filled my vision as she rubbed a point on her head dangerously close to where I was hanging on for dear life.
“Literally 45 seconds. She was already boiling water when we arrived.”
"Ugh, give me just five minutes."
A bright glow engulfed Twilight's giant horn in front of me as I saw Rainbow Dash rise into the air.
"Come on Rainbow, don't be rude."
Rainbow snorted as Twilight turned into the kitchen with her in tow.
“Like I have a choice...”
Twilight’s ear twitched and nearly knocked into me, but she didn’t offer any other sort of reaction other than dropping Rainbow unceremoniously onto the floor and trotting into the kitchen.
“Twilight, can I safely assume that Rainbow has awoken?”
Applejack smirked at the pegasus.
“Ah take it that ya had a good nap?”
Rainbow rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, all thirty seconds of it."
The gravity shifted again as Twilight turned her head to face Rainbow Dash, forcing me to again grab her mane.
"It was closer to a minute actually."
Applejack snickered as Twilight sat down and levitated the teapot over to her cup to fill it up, casting a blinding light upon me.
She took a quick sip before speaking.
“So what do you girls want to talk about?”
Rainbow opened her mouth to speak, likely to boast about a new trick of hers, but was immediately silenced by Rarity.
“Now Rainbow, it’s only right that we let Fluttershy go first; we are in her home drinking her tea that she was kind enough to make for us.”
‘This sounds less like a friendly chat and more like a formal meeting.’
Rainbow crossed her forehooves and rolled her eyes as Fluttershy’s head shot up from her teacup.
“Oh! I don’t mind, Rainbow can go on ahead.”
This elicited a smirk from Rainbow as she opened her mouth again, Rarity was quick to intervene.
“But darling, you simply must have something to talk about.”
‘Ooh cut off again, I thought this chick was supposed to be fast.”
Fluttershy pulled her head back, partially obscuring it from view behind her cascading mane.
“It’s fine really.”
“Are yer animals all doin’ fine?”
“Oh yes, in fact-”
“Any parties you’re planning on throwing? OH! Am I invited? Can I be, please please pleeeease?!?”
“No, I’m not having a party actually, but-”
“How’s your workout regimen I set up for you been going, has your wing-power gone up?”
“Yes, thanks Rain-”
“Read any good books lately?”
“Oh yes, thanks for letting me bor-”
“How about Stan, make any headway in snagging that stallion’s heart?”
Or rather, I imagine that she did; I had been sitting comfortably on Twilight’s head, already having given up on hanging on considering she wasn’t jerking her head about anywhere.
Big mistake.
At the mention of my name, Twilight apparently sucked some tea down the wrong pipe. Her head shot downwards as her body was racked with coughing.
As you can probably imagine, I was completely caught off-guard by the sudden shaking and gravity shift and was quickly knocked from my perch, unable to get myself a handhold as I plummeted onto her soft thigh, bouncing onto the chair in between her legs.
"Twilight dear, are you quite alright?"
"*cough* Yes, I'm fine I just *cough* got some tea in my wind pipe."
Being slightly disoriented from the fall, I had been simply lying there on the chair with my eyes closed as the ponies continued to talk. I sat up, grabbing my head as I opened my eyes, giving me a rather fine view of Twilight's-
'OH SAY CAN YOU SEE! BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT!'
Yeah, my prudence tends to come out in the form of me singing the national anthem in my head to keep it occupied. Honestly though, these ponies should at least wear diapers or something to cover up, otherwise everything is on display, it's just wrong if you ask me.
I shot a hand to my eyes and quickly stood up and turned around, after which I put my hand back to my side.
Again, big mistake.
'Oh god dang it.'
It really should've registered in my mind that everypony was sitting around the tables and that they were all mares, but alas... It didn’t.
Anyways, without anywhere to turn while keeping my view clear of being filled with... Horse; I made a split second decision to jump onto Twilight's leg and shimmy down it.
It was rather well executed I must say, until of course she shook her leg to get the 'bug', I.e. me, off of her.
'Aww yeah. Oh what the-'
"OOF!"
‘Crap’
The fall was fairly short; seven feet or so relative to my current size, but the sheer unexpectedness of it made it all the more painful.
“Don’t you think that’s a little -I don’t know- personal?”
'You call that personal? Try being an inch tall in between the legs of a pony who forgot to put on their diaper today.'
I let out a pained groan before picking myself up off the ground.
‘Oh great work sherlock, now what are you gonna do?’
Honestly, there wasn’t a heck of a lot I could do at the moment. I was an inch tall and under a monstrous table surrounded by six oblivious ponies that could accidentally crush me without batting an eyelash.
Yeah, my life pretty much sucked right about then.
It was something I noticed out of the corner of my eye that ultimately made my decision. I caught Opal making her way into the kitchen from the living room appearing rather hungry. Maybe I was imagining the hungry part, but this cat was bad news regardless.
'Yeah. No. I hear the counter is awfully nice this time of day.'
I took one last glance at the cat before breaking into a dead on sprint in the opposite direction towards the sink.
"Umm, Rarity I'm going to boil some more water if you don't mind. We can talk about Stan later if you'd like."
"Why of course darling, you go on ahead."
This small exchange was soon followed by the sound of a chair scooting next to me.
'S***!’
*CRASH*
'CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!'
Now, not only was I trying to avoid a vicious feline, but also the hooves of giant yellow pegasus. Can this get any more impossible?
"*Gasp*"
'Oh god, please don't say she saw me.'
"Oh! I forgot the teapot on the table."
'*Phew*'
I continued my sprint as the hooves started to backtrack before catching right back up to me.
"Fluttershy dear!"
"Mmphye- Oh my!"
The teapot crashed against the floor and shattered right in front of me, blocking my path and forcing me to stop. There was a sudden silence as I slowly turned around, finding Fluttershy staring back down at me with wide eyes.
Author's Note
Way out of my comfort zone on this one.
The beginning is SIGNIFICANTLY less awkward than it was earlier, if you'd like to see the unpublished near-explicit draft, I'll furnish it upon request via PM.
Also, a complete genius gave me the idea of splitting this chapter into two parts, so the beginning of next chapter just flows in from this one.
OH! Feedback, yada yada yada.
Chapter Ten: A Brief Reunion
You know what’s really quite unnerving? Having two turquoise eyes, each a sizeable amount larger than you are, staring at you in silence. You can understand where I’m coming from here right?
Fluttershy stood before me frozen in shock, not a word passing in-between us.
It took the sound of a chair scooting followed by Rarity's voice calling out to pull her from her stupor as the unicorn’s hooves began trotting in our direction.
"Oh! I am so sorry Fluttershy, I didn't even consider that you might be holding the teapot in your mouth. Here, let me clean that up for you."
Fluttershy tore her eyes away from me and quickly flipped around to face Rarity.
"NO!"
"I mean umm... I've got it Rarity, don't worry."
Fluttershy let out a rather forced, awkward sounding chuckle.
"It's quite alright Fluttershy, I can handle it."
Fluttershy walked forward and intercepted Rarity, attempting to use her head to push the unicorn back to her seat.
"No Rarity, you're my guest, I'll take care of it."
She didn't budge.
"Please Fluttershy I insist."
Her horn began to glow as I simultaneously started to float into the air. Fluttershy gave her a harsh shove.
"I said, SIT DOWN!"
The aura around me dissipated and I dropped a couple of inches onto the floor as Rarity released her magic and reeled back at Fluttershy’s seemingly random outburst.
I quickly stood back up and looked at her friends at the table, all of which were staring wide-eyed at the pegasus as Rarity scampered to her seat.
Fluttershy turned her head to take a glance back at me before trotting over to where her broom and dustpan were resting against the counter. She walked back over to my position and began to clean up the shattered teapot, her mouth around the broom handle and her hoof using its mystical magnetic powers to hold onto the dustpan, being careful as to not accidentally sweep me up.
She paused for a moment and took a look back at her friends, who all immediately tore their eyes away and began to chatter amongst themselves.
"So how 'bout that Spitfire?"
"Oh yes, she is quite the athlete."
“Yeah! She’s totally awesome!”
Fluttershy turned back to look at me and bent her neck to gesture towards the dustpan with the broom.
'Not like I have much choice now do I...'
I quickly clambered into the dustpan just as Fluttershy began to lift it into the air and was given a rather rough ride to the counter where she set the dustpan down. She took another quick glance at her friends as she was putting the broom away before coming back over to the countertop and gesturing with her head for me to get out of the dustpan.
I was quick to oblige, allowing her to empty the dustpan and set it back next to the broom.
“Umm girls, I’m going to use the little filly’s room if that’s alright.”
“Now Fluttershy, just why wouldn’t tha’ be alright?”
Flutttershy pulled her head behind her mane while she deviously pulled the tip of her tail onto the countertop next to me, wiggling it slightly to clearly show her intention.
‘Crap, that thing drags on the floor lady!’
Standing there resenting the moment ahead was getting me nowhere, so despite my reservations, I grabbed onto it just as it was sliding off the counter and was gently lowered onto the floor.
Now, what happened next caught me completely off-guard. She could have trotted, she could cantered, heck she could have flew to the bathroom for all I cared; but nooooo, she simply had to sprint just as fast as physically possible with her little pony legs as I clung for dear life onto her cotton candy pink tail, whipped about by the insane amount of g-force as the pegasus quickly reached mach one.
I might be exaggerating a little bit, but d*** that chick can run, maybe she's part cheetah? I don't know.
With me in tow, Flashershy -actually that sounds wrong.
I can only imagine the view a person would've gotten if they were behind her *cue inappropriate mental image* HEYO!
"Stan! What happened to you?!?"
'Geeze girl, watch the volume.'
"Please Fluttershy, I'd prefer to be on solid ground and WITH my eardrums still intact."
She blushed slightly in embarrassment as she placed my feet on her muzzle and put it level with the sink to allow me to climb off.
Her enormous teal eyes continued to stare at me as I looked myself over, watching for bruises and making sure that my undergarment was still secure around my waist.
I turned my head back towards her.
"You know, the whole staring thing you got going on is a bit unsettling."
"Oh, sorry."
She lifted her head back up and turned it away from me, awkwardly swinging her right hoof back and forth. My palm quickly became better acquainted with my face.
"*Sigh* I didn't mean that you can't look at me, I'd just prefer it if you didn't stare so intently."
Her head whipped back around abruptly and my vision was completely filled with two large, teal eyes.
"What happened? Why are you tiny? Are you alright? How did you get in the kitchen?"
She crinkled her nose at me.
"And why do you smell funny?"
"One at a time please, and didn’t I say something about volume?"
Her giant eyes blinked at me, but she didn't react in any other way beyond that.
"Okay fine. I don't know what happened, I'm not sure why I'm small, I'm perfectly alright and I rode Twilight into there."
'Probably could have phrased that last one a little bit better.'
"-On her head." I hastily corrected. "I'd rather not answer the last one..."
She tilted her head at me, a confused expression on her features.
“Why not?”
‘Because it’s all your fault! You giant piece of-’
“It’s quite embarrassing for the both of us, let’s just leave it at that.”
Her confused look only seemed to grow more pronounced, but she didn’t attempt dig any further, thank god.
“Soooo, what exactly is the plan? You’ve obviously taken me here to figure out what is going on, but that was a bust. So are you just going to finish your little tea party while I wait here? Cause that ain’t gonna fly.”
She smirked at me.
‘I don’t like that look...’
“You’ll finish the tea party with me.”
‘Aaaand crap.’
“Now, where should I hide you...”
“Umm Fluttershy, I’m not so sure this is a good idea.”
My words fell on deaf ears as she continued to ponder possible hiding places.
“Fluttershy?”
Her expression suddenly brightened as she seemed to have a eureka moment. Without fair warning, she grabbed me with her hoof and extended her wings, holding me in place on the area where they rest at her sides as she folded them back into place.
I was stuck between a wall of feathers and a furry side.
“Perfect.”
Her voice was slightly muffled through her feathers, but she was still slightly louder than normal. I decided to try and wiggle myself around get myself comfortable as I simultaneously tried to scratch an itch on my back. That turned out to be a...bad idea.
“S-stan could you p-please stop moving arouuuu-OH.”
*Pomf*
‘F***.’
I dropped like a rock onto the mat below as her wings shot up, my support suddenly disappearing.
“Oh, I’m so sorry! Stan, are you alright?!?”
‘Dear lord, WATCH THE VOLUME!’
I turned my head to remove my face from being pressed against the fluff of the mat, but I didn’t attempt to stand up.
“Just peachy.” I growled through clenched teeth. “Surprisingly, that wasn’t the first time that has happened to me today.”
Her expression grew hard as she glared at me.
“What?”
‘What’s with the sudden mood swing?’
“Yeah, Rainbow landed on top of me earlier before her wing-erm-pomf’d and shot me out into the air.” I told her. “What’s with the sudden anger?”
Her mean gaze dissipated and she again pulled her head behind her curtain of hair.
“Oh...Umm, nothing. Nothing at all.”
‘If that’s not suspicious, then I don’t know what is.’
“C’mon, out with it.”
“Umm, I’d rather not.”
She wasn’t getting off the hook that easily.
“Fluttershy, just tell me.”
She gave me a defiant look and turned her head away from me.
“No.”
I stood up, thoroughly steamed.
“Just tell me d*** it!”
She flinched and retreated at my outburst, whimpering slightly.
The sheer irony of that moment was outstanding. A giant pony threatened by a one inch tall human? Really?
I pinched the bridge of my nose.
“Look, I’m sorry Fluttershy; but I just don’t understand why you’re so adamant about not telling me.”
She looked at me from behind her mane and let out a sigh.
“Fine, if you really need to know...” She turned her head, refusing to make eye-contact with me. “Touching a pegasus’ wing is a really personal act; you see, it serves as a pleasure point and...”
‘Pleasure point? Wait a minute...’
-Two days ago-
“Stan!”
“Yeah Fluttershy?”
“Could you please come here for a moment, I mean, if you don’t mind that is...”
Stan let out an audible sigh from the kitchen, this mare's constant swinging form commanding to forgiving never ceasing to amaze him. He soon emerged from the kitchen and leaned on the doorway, a small amount of dishwater dripping from his hands.
“Whaddya need Flutters?”
The pegasus turned her head to the side to break eye-contact.
“Umm...I’m a little sore from working with the animals and was wondering if uhh...You’d-give-me-a-wing-rub!”
Stan looked confusedly at the mare.
“Well uhh...Sure, I don’t see why not.”
Fluttershy turned back to face him, a beaming smile accompanying her slight blush.
“Oh thank you!”
She fluttered her wings a bit and landed on the couch to lie down.
Stan walked over to the pegasus on the couch, her wings ruffling slightly in anticipation. He shrugged and wiggled his fingers a bit before reaching down and grabbing hold.
‘Oh you sick piece of-’
“Stan? Stan are you alright?”
I had been standing there for at least a minute, my fists clenched and my eye twitching.
“I’m fan-flipping-tastic.”
“I uhh, figured out where I can keep you...”
I slowly turned my head to face her.
“I’ll just hide you in my mane.”
“Why? Are pegasus ears another pleasure point?”
Her slight blush before breaking eye contact with me again answered that question.
‘You have GOT to be kidding me right now.’
I ran a hand through my hair.
“Look, as long as you keep me in the...Dangly bit away from your ears, then I’m perfectly fine with it.”
She turned back to face me, pouting slightly, but picked my form up nonetheless. Holding her hoof as a platform of sorts next to her mane, she allowed me to grab on and hide within the strands.
“You alright in there?”
I shifted my weight up and down to tug her hair and affirm that I was secure. She seemed to accept this as my gravity shifted a bit and the hair around me bobbed up and down, signalling that she was on the move again back to the tea party.
“Fluttershy! Welcome back, you spent an awful long while in that restroom I’ll have you know.”
“My mane was still a bit...messy, so I went ahead and fixed it. Sorry if I kept you girls waiting...”
“Oh Fluttershy, you need to stop apologizing, it's no fun!”
Fluttershy’s hair swung around a little bit as she sat down.
“Rarity, you have a bit of something on your face.”
“What? Where? Where!?!”
‘Rarity missed a spot on her face? This I gotta see.’
Curiosity got the better of me as I attempted to change positions in order to peek my head out of Fluttershy’s mane.
“Ha! Gotcha Rarity!”
‘What the -CRAP.’
I reached my arm out to grab another strand of hair just as Fluttershy turned her head, causing me to grab nothing but air as the movement made me lose my current handholds.
‘Crap! Crap! Crap!’
My nearness to the end of her hair gave me no time to grab another strand as I plummeted, the fall ahead far from being survivable at my meager size.
‘So this is it, I die falling out of pegasus’ mane onto a gigantic tile floor...That just isn’t right.’
My life began to flash before my eyes, starting with a rather infuriating memory of me getting knocked over by a kid named Randy in middle school. D*** did I hate Randy
‘Life. You must be a sick bastard to show me THAT of all things while I’m falling to my de-’
My thoughts were interrupted by me making contact with a...soft white object?
‘Dafu**?’
I attempted to stand up, only to be knocked off my perch and onto the floor as the white object shifted below me.
“Crud!”
My blood ran cold at the sight before me as I opened my eyes. Staring down at my miniscule form was the herald of nightmares herself, eyes aglow in delight at the feast put before her. Opal licked her lips as her eyes bore down on me.
“Well uhh...Look a mouse!”
“AHHHHHHHHH!”
I’m quite the manly man aren’t I...
Opal let her eyes stray from her delicious-looking prey only for a moment, the promise of a plump mouse fresh from the caretaker’s cottage simply too much to refuse. But she had been duped! The mini-monkey had lied! When her eyes returned to where the monkey lay, it was already gone, several feet ahead advancing quickly towards the door.
‘At long last, a challenge worthy of my talents...Prepare thyself mini-monkey, I WILL give chase.’
The cat almost seemed to smirk in anticipation before taking off after the small screaming man, uttering a warcry of her own as the hunt began.
“Opal!”
“Opal where are you-”
The feline flew thru the backdoor of Fluttershy’s cottage, unphased by her owner’s cry.
“What is that cat up to?”
“Probably just chasing a mouse or something, let the thing have some fun.”
Rarity turned towards her brash friend.
“I’ll have you know that she is not a ‘thing’ but a girl of refined tastes, she wouldn’t partake in such a vulgar activity as chasing mice.”
“Oh I hope you’re right Rarity, I don’t want her to scare away any of my mice frie-”
She absentmindedly reached a hoof to the dangling part of her mane only to find hair; hair and absolutely nothing else.
She felt her heart stop as the implications of Stan’s disappearance and Opal’s apparent chasing entered her mind.
“Oh no...”
I have never run so freaking fast in my entire life; I reached the doorway in Fluttershy’s kitchen in record time. Well, considering my leg size and small muscles it was record time. Fear, adrenaline and a slight bit of urine were all pouring out of me as I ran from the demonic creature. I felt free, I felt strong, I felt like I could...Fly?
‘The hell?’
My feet were no longer touching the ground yet my speed remained constant, only now with an added upward velocity. There was nothing at the time that I could blame this impossible occurrence on; my first thought was unicorn magic, but with no visible aura around me, it seemed highly unlikely. The only evidence I could observe was a slight distortion to the world around me, like heat rising off the hood of a car or an ignited grill.
When I stopped running yet continued to fly at relatively the same pace, the whole situation MAY have gotten to my head a little bit That was my first mistake; my second was to turn around while levitating and attempt to heckle my pursuer.
The cat was a teensy bit closer than I had originally thought...
*THWACK*
Pouncing into the air, Opal smacked my tiny body with her paw, sending me spiraling straight towards a nearby tree, where I made crippling impact and dropped to the base of the trunk.
I was lost to the world, my eyes only catching a fuzzy blur of white as it advanced towards me.
'Sleep...'
My vision became all the blurrier as an ethereal voice, scarily similar to Fluttershy’s, whispered in my ear.
A silly smile found its way onto my face as the world began to spin.
"No."
'Sleep.'
"Nopedy no."
The fuzzy blob had stopped about a foot in front of me.
'Sleep!’
‘You think headed swine! Sleep or you’ll die!’
One thought and one thought alone kept me from giving into the temptation of sleep: There wasn’t a way in hell that I was going out being bossed around; for too many years I’ve been a mannequin. Even if it was with my dying breath, I was finally going to do my own thing.
Yeah, I'm a rebellious little bastard aren't I?
“N-no.”
The white blob pounced just as I noticed my world starting to become...Smaller. My willpower all but spent and my strength fading fast, I finally lost consciousness.
“NO!”
“No! No! No! No! No!”
The pegasus flew about the perimeter of her home, searching for the telltale sign of white fur.
“Opal? Opal!”
Out of the corner of her vision she saw a patch of white slowly making its way towards the house. Quickly turning, she shot towards the patch, soon making out the lavender bow upon its head; a sure sign of the patch’s identity. Opal was walking back towards the house proudly with her head held high and something dangling from her mouth, almost invisible against her white fur.
Fluttershy landed abruptly in front of the cat, slightly startling the creature. Opal, seeing it was just her favorite caretaker, dropped something white at pegasus' hooves and beginning to rub affectionately up against her hoof.
Fluttershy didn’t react to the cat, not budging even an inch from her current position. Her eyes were locked in place on the ground, specifically at the torn and dirty pair of miniature, white briefs lying in front of her.
Her eyes filled with tears as she reached her right forehoof to pick up the undergarments.
“St-Stan? No. No. NO!”
Her hooves dropped out from under her body, her limp, collapsing form nearly landing on top of the cat still rubbing up against her. She just lay there, sobbing and occasionally muttering garbled sentences.
“St-stan...Why? W-why did you leave? N-no it's my fault I-I never should have...STAN!”
A slight rustling from the bush beside her followed by a hiss from Opal caused her to turn her head, eyes still red and puffy.
“Ugh. Fluttershy, what did I tell you about volume?"
She shot to her hooves and slowly approached the bush.
"*Sniff* Stan?"
The man's upper body shot out of the bush, his hand placed against his head.
"Yeah? Who were you expecting, Santa Claus?"
The pegasus in front of me rubbed her eyes with a hoof to clear her vision before staring at me in wonder, as if disbelieving my presence.
“What? Did you think Opal got me-”
She suddenly pounced forward, clearly trying to catch me unaware. But I was ready for her this time around.
I threw my arms out in front of me and caught the pegasus in mid-air, my hands under the point where her forehooves met her body. I held her just far enough to keep her hooves from wrapping around me.
‘Not today!’
She started to struggle about, her hooves reaching towards me desperately.
“St-Stan! B-but Opal had th-those small white p-pants that Rarity made f-for you.”
“Yeah, they didn’t grow with me. Why do you think that I’m hiding in thi-”
I suddenly started to tip backwards.
‘What the?’
It was then that I noticed Fluttershy’s wings buzzing like a hummingbird’s behind her back.
‘Oh you cheeky little-
Unable to correct my balance in time, I fell to the ground in a pile with the mare on top of me. She quickly took advantage and wrapped her hooves around me, burying her face into my chest.
"I-I was so worried that you w-were gone forever and it w-was m-my fault!”
My witty retort caught in my throat as I felt her tears against my bare skin. I let out a sigh before reserving myself to stroking her mane and rubbing her back gently; being extra careful to avoid her wings of course.
“Shhh...It’s alright Flutters, there’s nothing to worry about.”
I smiled slightly at her.
“Everything and everyone is just peachy.” I furrowed my brow. “Well, maybe not Spike, I sorta blew him off today.”
Her sobbing noticeably lessened, even to the point of letting a slight chuckle out. She pulled her head back from my chest and looked at me, her eyes still rimmed with red but also with a small smile on her face.
“I-it’s everypony, and I’m sure Spike will understand considering the circumstances.”
I rolled my eyes jokingly.
“Well, I’m not exactly a pony now am I? And as for the circumstances; please don’t remind me.”
She let out another soft chuckle and sniffled a bit before resting her head back against my chest, sighing contentedly as I stroked her mane.
It was then that something dawned on me: I was just flirting with and am now stroking the hair of...a pony. Not just any pony either, the very same one that had tackled me in a hormone filled rage and nearly...well, I don’t like to think of the implications of that day.
Of course, it was then life had to make things all the more complex for my already stretched-thin mind.
“Well well well, what do we have here?”
‘Is that? No. No!’
Fluttershy quickly turned our heads to face the source of the voice, finding none other than the local gossip-girl of Ponyville herself with a mischievous smirk on her face. Behind the white unicorn, the rest of the girls stood, faces all filled with shock. That is of course excluding Applejack, who was staring at me with her trademark glare.
Fluttershy broke the hug and pulled herself up into a sitting position on my lap, not exactly helping things I must say.
“Okay, this is NOT what it looks like.”
“So it isn’t two lovers-” She made a circular gesture with her hoof. “-in the forest?”
I pulled my body up from lying on the ground into a sitting position.
“No, it isn’t that at all!”
Rarity’s smirk grew.
“That is too bad, it would have been awfully romantic if it were. Well, I’m sure that you wouldn’t mind accompanying us back to the house then hmm?
I met her gaze and narrowed my eyes.
“No, I wouldn’t mind at a-”
It was then that realization struck; the whole reason as to why I was hiding behind the bush in the first place.
‘You piece of-’
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, I was naked behind the bush with Fluttershy sitting in my lap. That alone may come across as a bit suggestive; it wasn’t like I could get up and follow them back either, I was still naked after all.
I momentarily considered using Flutters as a sort of shield for my manhood as I stood up, but ultimately decided that it would probably end badly for the both of us.
“I-I can’t...”
“And why is that?”
“My towel is inside...”
“And where are those -oh what did you call them- undergarments I made for you?”
“Torn to bits I’m afraid.”
To my slight satisfaction, her victorious smirk was accompanied by a slight twitching of her eye.
“No matter, I shall craft you a new pair. Until then, I’ll leave you two alone to ‘finish’ your...activities.”
She turned towards the shocked group of ponies.
“Come on girls!”
She began to trot towards the cottage, the other girls ever so slowly beginning to file after her.
I sat there and watched them enter the cottage before turning my head back towards the pegasus in my lap.
"So she thinks-"
"Umm... Yes."
"But we weren't-"
"I know..."
"Is she going to tell-"
"Uhh, probably."
My palm met my face.
"Great, just great...Can you get off my lap please?”
She blushed and scrambled off of me as I hid myself back in the bush.
“And can you please get me a towel?”
She quickly nodded and began to trot towards the house. She froze suddenly on the path and looked back at me, a strange glint in her eye.
‘Oh god, I don’t like that look at all.’
“Actually no, you can get it yourself.”
She turned around and sat there looking at me, a deceptively sweet smile on her face.
“You’re kidding me right?”
She shook her head slightly, still staring at me with a smile.
‘You perverted little-’
-That night-
Darkness, a cold darkness. All I could see, all I could feel.
It was a strange sensation; not exactly awake and not exactly asleep. I couldn’t move, my eyes weren’t open yet I remained completely aware. I was in small room, that much I could tell, and there were two familiar voices in front of me, one feminine and one masculine.
“I really don’t see what the problem is here, you made him small, I made him delicious. It was hilarious!”
“The problem? The problem?!? The problem is that I almost lost him! I couldn’t levitate him fast enough and had to change him again. Do you know how much chaotic power it took to initiate the change while he was conscious? I won’t be able to use him again for over a month, maybe several!”
“All the more time for me to have him all to myself then!”
“Not if I have anything to say about it...”
“What’s the supposed to-GULK”
Ol’ Goathead stood in front of me, though lacking his regular smirk. This time around he had a body to accompany his head. It appeared to be made up of a mishmosh of creatures, ranging from the talon of a bird to the paw of a lion.
“Don’t think that me saving you means that we’re friends. You’re my only source of enjoyment nowadays and I have a millenia of boredom ahead of me.”
He pointed his lion paw backwards. I shifted my eyes to where he pointed, finding an electric blue mare with a flower in her mane, gagged and tied to the ceiling by her hooves. She was giving me a desperate look.
“Don’t make the same decision that she did and screw with me, it will only end badly.”
His smirk returned.
“And don’t think that I’m finished with you just yet, I’ve still got my eyes on you.”
He grabbed my chin with his paw and sneered at me.
“Stan. Please don’t disappoint.”
Then everything went black.
Author's Note
END SET ONE.
Yup, set one is done. Time to make a new cover and come up with some new forms, but first I have a few things I need to say. Firstly, there's going to be a (possibly sizable) gap in which Stan is entirely human. This is mainly for the sake of developing better relationships with the ponies. They'll be funny, no worries.
Secondly, while I'm writing these chapters, I'll be simultaneously rewriting my first few chapter since they're...rough to say the least. It will remain relatively the same, but with newer ideas and (hopefully) better writing.
Lastly, I'd like to make a small apology to those bothered by the fact that I censor the curse words in this story. Ironically, cussing is against my morals and I can't bring myself to actually type the words out. Plus I feel like it would become too...serious if the words were to be in there. Maybe I'm just making an excuse, but whatever.
And...The bird has been moved to set two for those wondering.
That's all I got.
Adios!
Chapter Eleven: Salad and Sex
“*Sigh*”
You never truly realize how good you have something until it’s gone. Like Nutella, the king of edible spreads, on toast. You run out and revert to the old ways of using classic, simplistic peanut butter, but it’s never truly the same.
And that’s why I was on Fluttershy’s couch with a block of wood in my hand staring at her yellow painted wall:
I missed my television.
Now I’ve never really been one for roleplaying, but what life without television can do to a man...It’s just frightening really.
Seventeen days. For seventeen whole days I've been stuck in pony land.
I pressed the 2 then the 7 of the crudely drawn buttons on the ‘remote’ and imagined that Seinfeld was playing on TBS. Elaine pushing over Jerry while yelling her catch-phrase, “Shut Up!”
I’m not ashamed to admit that I was pretty much lost to the world about then.
In my defense, I hadn’t had a significant source of protein in over two weeks, which, as I’ve read, can drastically affect your mood and brain function if the proper dosage isn’t received. The “Caretaker,” as I’ve taken to calling the pegasus behind her back, almost seemed to be mocking me in the way that she gave fish to bears and otters so freely, not even bothering to ask me if I wanted a bite.
To get something out of the way; I'm actually not particularly fond of the taste of fish, but frankly I would’ve taken anything right about then, as long as it was basted with olive oil and covered in basil and rosemary with a touch of sea-salt before being grilled to perfection, a slight char on its skin.
Dang did I want me some meat.
I didn’t realize that I was drooling, whether it was from my overly descriptive meat-dream or my unentertained mind; but I also didn’t realize the pegasus in the kitchen doorway staring at me either.
Well, until she cleared her throat to grab my attention that is, causing a particularly large strand of drool to drip onto my towel as I quickly turned my head towards the noise.
She lifted her head high into the air, her nose stuck up ever so slightly as she began to strut towards me with her eyes closed.
It would’ve been an impressive performance, had she not taken a small peek of me looking back at her with my empty eyes. As she began to trot closer, her head began to lower, her speed ever decreasing and her ‘strut’ being almost completely lost as she began to seemingly drag her hooves towards me. When she was finally before me, she was a shaking mess, refusing to even lift her head back up to look at me.
I rolled my eyes, realizing that she clearly wanted something, her shyness just again forcing its way through into her mannerisms.
Setting down my ‘remote,’ I placed a hand under her chin and brought up her head to meet my gaze.
“Is there something you need Flutters?”
She shifted her gaze and attempted to pull her head away, but I wasn’t just going to let her off the hook that easily. I gently wrapped my hands around her muzzle, not enough to restrict speech, but enough to keep her from moving away.
“I-I...M-may I join you?”
I looked at her disbelievingly.
“Well it’s your couch.”
She seemed to take that as an affirmative as she fluttered her wings excitedly behind her back and beamed at me. I released her muzzle and allowed her to climb onto the couch next to me, picking up my remote to make more room.
I shifted my gaze back to the wall, and continued my little daydream, though it wasn't long before I heard her clear her throat again.
"What is it?"
"Umm, if you don't mind me asking, what are you doing?"
"SHH! Kramer is about to come in!"
I could only imagine her confusion right about then.
Suddenly, I slapped my knee and burst out laughing.
"Oh that Kramer! What a funny guy." I turned my head towards the pegasus, who was giving me a strange look. "What is it you needed again?"
"Oh nothing..."
Shrugging, I turned up the volume a little bit and returned to my watching.
If I wasn't so distracted, I might’ve felt her shuffle a little bit as she put her head into my lap. If my brain wasn't so fried, I might’ve stopped myself from petting her absentmindedly.
Alas...
The pegasus let out a contented sigh as I continued to gently stroke her mane.
Honestly, the sigh mixed with the added weight against me kinda brought my brain back down to Ear- Equestria, but I didn’t make a movement to stop my hand and pull away. Frankly she was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen; even if she and I were getting COMPLETELY different vibes from the whole situation, her's a bit more... Inappropriate, I didn't really mind. Though it wasn't out of the kindness of my heart to be perfectly honest; I wanted something...
"Uh Flutters?"
"Mmm... Yes Stan?"
"I have a question for you, if you don't mind."
"Of course I don't mind, I actually have one for you too."
"Uhh, you can go first."
She pushed her head against my hand slightly.
"No, you brought it up, you can go first."
'This isn't going to end well.'
I cleared my throat.
"Well, I uhh. I've noticed you giving fish to your bear and otter friends; doesn't it make you feel -I don't know- a bit icky?"
She tensed for just a moment at the word fish, but calmed back down as I continued.
"Oh no, of course not. I only give it to them if any of the poor dears get beached; their diets still consist mainly of berries. It's not like I-I-” She obviously didn't want to finish the thought, so I interrupted.
"Well that's good... OH! I don't mean that's good that they die just that- Oh you know what I meant."
She didn't really react, still just pressing against my hand as I ran my fingers through her mane.
"*Ahem* So uhh... Have any fish?"
"Mmm...Just one, I was actually going to give it to Harry today."
"Harry..."
"The bear."
“Well don’t you think that you may be spoiling him a bit? I mean what if someo-”
“Pony.”
“-Somepony else wanted it?”
She shifted and flipped over onto her back to look up at me, quite awkward with the whole ‘nudity’ thing ponies have going on I must say.
“I really don’t think he’s being spoiled, but I haven’t exactly promised it to him yet.” She tilted her head and looked confusedly at me. “Why? Did somepony you know want it?”
“Well I-uhh. Yes...”
“Who? Is it Spike? Because Twilight specifically told me never to give him any meat, it unnerves her. ”
“No no, it's not Spike it's...Me.”
She furrowed her brow a bit as she processed my words before realization struck, her eyes widening to dinner plates.
"W-w-what? W-why?"
It was clear that she knew exactly why.
"You see, humans are omnivores-"
"Y-yes, I know. B-b-but you haven't eaten any meat since you've gotten here!"
“Well yeah, I don’t necessarily need to eat meat but-”
‘Wait...What did she say?’
“Did you just say that you knew?”
“W-well, if you don’t need m-meat th-then I’ll just g-give it to Harry, if y-you don’t mind...”
I narrowed my eyes.
“You KNEW!” She flinched a bit. “Yet you still gave those pets of yours meat instead of me?!?”
"W-well yes, y-you have those teeth…B-but you never asked so..."
I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath.
"Okay fine, I guess I can kind of understand that, but may I please have that fish?"
She looked away from me.
"N-no."
I raised an eyebrow.
"What?"
She steeled herself and looked back at me with a frown.
"No."
"And just why the hell not?"
"Because you're better than that."
'You have GOT to be kidding me.'
"Believe me Flutters; I am not better than that. Just please let me have the fish, I'm dying here."
She rolled her eyes at me.
‘When did she get so daring?’
“Look, think about what would happen if anypony else found out that you eat meat. Just because I understand and work with meat-eaters doesn’t mean the other ponies will be as...Open to the idea, I know for a fact that Twilight wouldn't take this news very well.”
There's nothing truly like being hit with a large helping of logic.
“So...What I’m getting out of this is that you’re NOT going to give me the fish.”
She gave me a disbelieving look.
“Okay, that’s all I needed to know.”
I lifted the pegasus’ head up from my lap and slipped out from under her to stand up. I began to walk to the door but was stopped right before it by Fluttershy’s voice.
“Where are you going?”
I turned back at her and smiled.
“Fishing.”
I began to walk along the path, forming plans in my head about how I was going about catching me some fish.
‘Okay...No money, so I can’t buy anything...Sticks? No, there isn’t a way in heck that those movies are actually realisti-’
I didn’t make it ten feet before my vision was suddenly filled with yellow as I was knocked to the ground.
"OOF!"
‘Why am I even surprised?’
“Fluhgh-”
“Well, that was graceful... Good thing nopony saw that.”
‘...That is most definitely not Fluttershy.’
“Whoghfg?”
The pony on my head tensed.
“What the buck!”
It quickly rolled off of me, allowing me to stand up and dust myself off.
“By Luna’s tits! What are you?”
‘Oh fun...The one pony in this wretched town that doesn’t know I’m here yet.’
I turned around to see a yellow coated pegasus with an orange mane and tail not dissimilar to fire.
“Man, Human, Homo Sapien, Earthling, Hominin, sexy beast from another planet; take your pick sweetheart.”
She raised an eyebrow at me and tilted her head.
“I think I’ll go with man, it’s got a nice ring to it. Besides, sexy beast is pushing it a little bit, don'cha think?”
I was taken aback for a moment, here I was a sentient bipedal creature from another world and she just took it in stride.
"I'm Spitfire by the way."
She held her hoof out, which I crouched a bit to take.
"Stan. So why did you -uh" I gestured towards the sky. "decide to drop in."
She smiled sheepishly.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that, a cloud came out of nowhere and clipped my wing, you know how it i- well actually, you probably don't." She put a hoof to her chin while she looked at me before her features brightened as she had some sort of inspiration.
"So Stan, I know this little joint in Ponyville that makes a mean Caesar salad, how would you like to join me for lunch? Consider it an apology for crashing into you."
I weighed my options:'Spend possibly countless hours trying to fish or get a free lunch... Well that's a toughie.'
I'm assuming that my decision was fairly obvious.
"Why the heck not?"
She smiled at me.
"Great!"
She began to trot along the path but took a quick look back at me.
"You're not going to get us run out of town are you?"
I rolled my eyes at her and began to follow after.
"Please. I've been in Ponyville for three weeks now; I'm actually surprised that you don't already know about me."
She offered me a smirk in reply.
"Well I'm not exactly from Ponyville, I was just passing through to Cloudsdale."
"...What's Cloudsdale?"
-Meanwhile-
Fluttershy was peeking through the crack of her slightly ajar front door, watching and attempting to listen to the conversation amongst the two on the path.
She had started to walk outside to stop and apologize to Stan, but quickly hid behind the door when she saw the Wonderbolt crash into the man.
Fighting the urge to jump out and see if he was alright, she cracked the door open slightly, just in time to see him stand up and dust himself off.
She hadn’t caught much of the chatter between the two, but what she did catch had her worried sick.
Three words: Sweetheart, lunch and tits.
Tears were beginning to form on the corners of her eyes before she blinked them out.
“B-be strong Fluttershy, you don’t know if they’re actual-”
She couldn’t stop the flow of tears this time around, and they came almost full-force as she fell back on her haunches with her head lowered.
“St-stan...W-why?”
After a few moments, she quelled her sobbing as an idea came into her head.
‘I know! I’ll get some advice from Rainbow Dash!’
She ran a hoof across her eyes to wipe away the tears as a smile came onto her face. Picking herself up, she opened the door and flew outside to find her friend.
She had just reached the cloud layer above her cottage when she realized something: She had no idea where Rainbow Dash was.
'At this time of day she's usually napping... Sweet apple acres?'
The yellow pegasus began to shoot towards the farm, when she saw a small trace of rainbow swishing back and forth just to her right. Altering her course slightly, she gracefully landed on the cloud where her friend lay snoring.
She gently tapped a hoof against the sleeping pegasus.
"Umm Rainbow Dash?"
"Ughelestia no..."
"Rainbow Dash."
"Mmph, no don't put it in there..."
"Rainbow Dash."
"Mmm... Whaddya mean it's funny?"
"Rainbow Dash!"
The cyan pegasus shot up into the air, holding her hooves in a fisticuffs fashion.
"Who? What? Where?" She noticed her timid friend kicking the cloud awkwardly with her hoof and drifted down to her. "Agh, Fluttershy? What do you want?"
"Well umm.... Stan-is-on-a-date-with-Spitfire-and-I-don't-know-what-to-do." She hastily spat out.
"Could you repeat that? Ya know, like twenty percent slower?"
Fluttershy took a deep breath.
"I saw Spitfire crash into Stan this morning and they started talking and he called her sweetheart and they just went to have lunch and sh-she s-said tits!"
Rainbow’s eyes widened.
"Spitfire is in town!?! Oh my gosh, that’s awesome!"
She started to pump her hooves into the air, but soon stopped realizing that she hadn’t heard anything after ‘Spitfire’.
"Wait, what else did you say?"
The yellow pegasus' lip trembled.
"Stan went to have lunch with her..."
Rainbow raised an eyebrow at her.
"And this is bad because..."
Fluttershy gave Rainbow an exasperated look.
"Because he called her sweetheart and she said tits!"
Rainbow landed on the cloud next to Fluttershy.
"I'm sorry, what?"
The yellow pony lifted her head from the cloud, now with a mixture of tears and dew streaming down her face.
"They must be dating!"
Rainbow Dash took a step back from her friend's sudden outburst, before smiling and placing a reassuring hoof on her back.
"Shh, I'm sure it's nothing Fluttershy. Have they even met before today?"
"I don’t th-think so..."
A particularly large sob came from the mare.
"But how do you know it wasn't love at first sight?"
Rainbow snorted.
“Like that garbage exists.” Fluttershy lifted her head up from the cloud and gave her friend a mean look. “I mean uhh...That’s probably not it.”
Fluttershy just buried her head back in the cloud.
“Look Fluttershy, if you’re really that worried about it then you just need to take things to the next level.”
“B-but I -I mean we- have...”
The cyan pegasus’ eyes opened wide in surprise.
“Wait, really?”
Fluttershy lifted her face up from the cloud, but turned her head away from her friend.
“W-well *sniff* yes. It was after his ‘welcome to Ponyville’ party...”
“You mean the one where he got totally smashed from one cup of cider?” Rainbow said in a deadpan tone. Her face filled with surprise at the sudden realization. “You didn’t...”
Fluttershy refused to look at her friend, but nodded nonetheless.
A grin grew on the cyan pony’s face as she patted Fluttershy’s back.
“Wow Fluttershy, I didn’t know you had it in you!”
Fluttershy turned her head back towards Rainbow Dash, yet still didn’t make eye contact.
“Well, he didn’t exactly remember doing it...”
“You didn’t tell him did you?”
Fluttershy bit her lip in reply, her eyes starting to water again.
“Look Fluttershy, I’m pretty sure you don’t have anything to worry about. If you do, then you just need to let him know how much he means to you. Spitfire may be a big shot, Wonderbolt, celebrity pegasus capable of performing tricks with her eyes closed that other pegasi couldn’t even dream of-” Fluttershy’s head lowered as she drove on, Rainbow was quick to notice. “-but you’ve got a long tail! Stallions love long tails!” She let out an awkward chuckle.
Fluttershy didn’t respond, her head still lowered.
“Uhh...Well, I’ve gotta fly; those clouds ain’t gonna clear themselves ya’ know.”
Flutttershy stayed quiet.
“I guess I’ll see you around Fluttershy.”
Rainbow Dash took to the air and flew off, though Fluttershy was too distracted with her thoughts to notice.
‘Show him how much he means to me...but how?’
A grin suddenly spread across the pegasus’ muzzle.
“Oh Stan. You’re going to love me...”
“So, you told me you were a man, but I still don’t really know what that is.”
Spitfire and I were sitting on two piles of hay enjoying our meals around a small outdoor table in the front of the restaurant. It doesn't exactly take a rocket scientist to make a salad, so we got them almost immediately after we ordered.
“Well uhh.” I took a bite of lettuce. “Y’Shee, whirrr ehh smrt-” I swallowed and began to make a twirling gesture with my fork. “Sorry. You see, we’re a smart bipedal race-”
“Well that much is obvious.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Yeah yeah smart a**.”
“I’m not a donkey; but if I was, I’d rather be a smart one than a dumb one.”
I gave her a disbelieving look, but she seemed completely serious.
Well, seemed.
She burst out laughing at my expression and fell backwards off her pile of hay. Feeling a bit devious, I quickly took advantage and tipped over her glass, spilling its contents all over her ‘rofling’ form. Needless to say, she shot up in an instant, dripping with water.
I looked at her nonchalantly.
“What? You looked a little hot, with a name like Spitfire that should hardly come as a surprise.”
She gave me a strangely good-natured smile.
“I like you Stan, you’ve got guts.” Her smile turned a bit more sly. “Maybe we should take things to the next level...”
‘Now what is she-’
Her wings shot out with a *Pomf*.
‘Oh hell no! Not her too!’
I stood up and began to back away from the table, my hands held up defensively.
“Look Spitty-”
I was cut off as her wings suddenly flapped, sending my half-eaten bowl of salad straight at my head.
I froze in place as it hit, the bowl ever so slowly unsticking from my face before falling to the ground. I'm sure that my expression was priceless, this fact reinforced by her laughing as she took another bite of salad.
Not wanting to give her the satisfaction of an angry response, I simply walked back to my pile and sat down, making an attempt at small talk.
"So flirting aside, what do you do for a living?"
Now that got a good reaction, she dropped her fork as she started choking on a crouton. I'm sure she would've been blushing, but the fact that her face was turning blue kind of overrode it.
Again, please don't ask me just how their faces manage to change color while covered in fur, the less I think about these impossibilities the better.
I wanted to laugh, but frankly she was quite literally dying in front of me. But, that's not to say that I didn't chuckle a little bit as I stood up and patted her on the back to help dislodge the crouton.
"*Cough* You're a-*cough*-real piece of work, you know-*cough*-that?"
I smiled as I patted her back a couple of more times before sitting back down.
"Oh please, it's all in good fun."
She rolled her eyes as she cleared her throat.
"Whatever sexy beast." She pursed her lips at me. "Aren't you going to clean that dressing off your face? You've got a perfectly good towel right there."
"Yeah well, I kinda need that." I grabbed a napkin off the table and began to wipe my face. "Besides, a napkin works just fine. That reminds me, you never did answer my question on what you do for a living."
"Well I'm an acrobat."
‘Oooh limber.’
I made a face at her.
"You mean like from the circus?"
She didn't like that comment at all.
"No! An aerial acrobat for the Wonderbolts, I'm actually the captain thank you very much."
“Yeaaaah, never heard of them.”
“B-b-bu-Wha-?”
"You forget that I haven't exactly been here for very lo-"
“And that’s my cue to leave.” She pulled a few coins seemingly out of nowhere and threw them on the table.
"Wait what?"
"You'll see in a minute, or maybe ten seconds, whatever." She started flapping her wings to get airborne. "I'll be passing through Ponyville again soon, we should hang out then."
"Yeah sure-” She was gone in a flash, leaving her uneaten salad on the table. "Oh of course she left. What else did I expect?"
I stood up and walked over to my salad bowl on the ground.
"*Sigh* Such a waste..."
A gust of wind knocked me off my feet as something hit the ground hard behind me.
Funny how one simplistic stupid decision can make your day all the worse. I swear, it was like I was just tempting fate. Don't know what I'm referring to? Well that little 'gust' sent me falling straight towards the salad bowl, plastering it to my face...again.
Why didn't I catch myself? I'm not entirely sure; maybe part of me is just begging to be the laughing stock of this world.
"Is she here?!? Where's Spitfire!?!"
I grumbled into my salad bowl, before being roughly yanked up by my hair with a yelp.
"Shtan whirrsh Shpitfire?"
"Umm…Ow?"
She released my head, letting me drop into the salad bowl once again.
I grumbled a few choice curses that I shan't repeat into the bowl before lifting myself up angrily and turning to see the mare. Rainbow stood there with a large smile on her face, shaking with excitement.
"Well?"
I glared at the pegasus.
"You just missed her."
She looked downtrodden for a moment, but brightened up while looking at me. She stifled a giggle before breaking into all out laughter.
"What?"
She made a poor attempt at holding in her laughter as she turned her head slightly and gestured a hoof towards her cheek. I reached a hand up and pulled a dressing soaked lettuce leaf off my cheek, holding it in front of my face. Not being able to hold it in anymore, Rainbow fell to the ground laughing her tail off.
I rolled my eyes.
"Just perfect..."
“Flutters I’m home!”
I stepped through the doorway to find Fluttershy ever so slowly beginning to peek her head out of the kitchen. She had a confused expression on her face.
“Well so to speak, this isn’t really my home after all.”
Her confused expression left and a slightly saddened one filled its place if only for a moment. She brightened up almost instantly and ran out of the kitchen to meet me at the door.
‘What’s got her so excited?’
“Oh Stan, I’m so glad to see you.” She stopped in front of me. “I just wanted to apologize for how I treated you this morning, you’re a growing...”
“Human.”
“Yes, a growing human and you need your nutrition.”
“Fluttershy, I’m 25, I’m not really growi-”
She suddenly grabbed my hand with her mouth, which was completely gross by the way, and began to pull me into the direction of the kitchen. Humoring her, I didn’t put up much fight and began to file after her.
“Alright Flutters what’s the bit id-”
‘That smell...She didn’t...’
She let go of my hand and gave me a beaming smile, gesturing towards the table. On top of it sat a bowl of salad, a glass of water and a plate with a still steaming...Tuna filet on top of it.
I was speechless to say the least and began to slowly walk towards the plate with my eyes wide. I noticed out of the corner of my vision that Fluttershy was licking her lips, but right then all that mattered was the steaming hot chunk of meat in front of me. Call me overdramatic, but tears were filling my vision as I sat down.
“F-Fluttershy...*sniff* I don’t know what to say.”
She trotted over and sat down in the chair across from mine smiling.
“Don’t say anything, dig in.”
Several thoughts filled my head at that point in time:‘But I just ate half a bowl of salad...Well it was half, clearly not enough.’ ‘Fluttershy, a herbivore, cooked MEAT?!?’ ‘I wonder if she’s sadistic.’ ‘Note to self: Do whatever the hell Fluttershy wants.’ ‘Screw it, no more thinking. I. Want. That.’
I picked up the fork on the table to my right and looked back up at Flutters, who was still giving me a warm smile. She gestured towards the plate, so I did exactly what she told me to do: I dug in.
The first bite told me one thing; Fluttershy is an excellent cook no matter what in the heck she’s cooking.
‘Oh god, this is foodgasmic!’
The second bite told me an entirely different story, a tale of woe involving the poor fish beached against the shore as his family watched in horror.
‘*Sniff* *sniff*’
The third bite was a bit of a douche, it was a particularly hot chunk that decided it would be fine to burn my tongue.
‘Fu- You know what? Totally worth it.’
If I wasn't so distracted, I might’ve heard the heavy breathing coming from the other side of the table. If the food wasn’t so freaking fantastic, I might’ve noticed Fluttershy looking at me with her tongue lolled out of her mouth. Lastly, if my vision wasn’t currently being filled with a particularly delicious hunk of meat, I might’ve noticed an entirely different yellow hunk of meat sitting across from me moving its hoof back and forth under the table.
I don’t know how long it took me to finally notice these strange occurrences, all I know is that the filet was already half-gone when she let out a moan. That’s what it took for me to break out of my food-nosis; it was then that everything clicked.
I dropped my fork on the table, eliciting an ‘eep’ from the pegasus across from me. By the time I lifted my head up to look at her, she had placed her forehooves behind the back of her chair and was looking about the room nonchalantly. Though there was most certainly a blush on her face, a large one at that.
‘Maybe it’s time I start eating the salad instead...’
I reached a shaking hand towards my fork and picked it up. I slowly pierced a dressing covered leaf of lettuce and brought it to my mouth. The taste was odd...Though I couldn’t exactly put my finger on how.
In an attempt to diffuse the awkwardness, I decided to ask Fluttershy about it.
“Uhh Fluttershy, is this dressing expired or something?”
Her eyes widened and she quickly turned her face to look at me; upon seeing me sticking another piece of lettuce into my mouth, a smirk spread across her muzzle.
“Oh no, it’s a special apple family recipe, I just picked it up from sweet apple acres a few minutes before you got here.”
‘Hmm.’
Shrugging, I continued to dig in, though my hand was becoming progressively shakier without explanation. When the salad was half gone and spots were starting to swim into my vision, I looked back up at Fluttershy who was smiling sweetly at me. She slowly brought a hoof under the table to grab something and placed it on tabletop. Sitting there was a bottle with an apple and three x’s marked across the front label.
‘No...’
“Stan are you alright? You look a bit shaky.”
“Yooopsh of crrp...”
‘Son of a-’
And again, the world went black as I passed out.
Author's Note
I decided that I've been making my chapter titles so generic and boring, I think after this one I'm going to rename them all.
Before you ask: Yes, the interlude no longer exists. Frankly, I don't want a 20k word monster chapter chilling in the middle of my story, so I decided to make all of these 'Small stories' a continuation of the actual fic.
"Flutter-valley" from chapter ten and "Luna's tits" from this chapter are copyrighted by Sixpence® Inc.this guy
Final note: Don’t get too mad at Stan next chapter D:
Chapter Twelve: Dressed for Failure
‘Okay, It’s dark, the place smells of chocolate and I can’t move my body...Hmm I wonder where I am.’
“Discord buddy, you can come out now!”
An explosion of color appeared stark against the blackness of my vision, after it cleared señor goaty boy in all his mismatched glory was floating there.
“My my, am I really that obvious?”
I rolled my eyes and made a feeble attempt at crossing my arms across my chest; I was immobilized after all.
“Considering the fact that this is the fifth time you’ve come to me in my dreams and it’s always the same business with me being frozen in place surrounded by apparent chocolatey darkness, then yes.”
“Well sorry for wanting to check on my favorite little ‘sexy beast’ to make sure things are going alright; I don’t want you to spill our little secret now do I.”
“You know perfectly well that I can’t do that.”
A sad but true statement, every time I even attempt to say Discord out in the real world, an unexplainable occurrence always seems to stop me. Whether it’s a bug flying down my throat, me suddenly ‘slipping’ and falling, or me getting the sudden urge to sing ‘Camptown Races’ at the top of my lungs.
“You’ve ruined that song for me by the way.”
He made a sarcastic ‘boohoo’ face.
“Oh I am so sorry, it is such a delightful song. Maybe if you sang it a few more times...”
“Just no.” He smirked at my words. “So what do you want from me this time around? I swear if you make me look at one more picture of griffon erotica...”
“Perhaps you’d like something else then, or maybe somepony else?”
“You forget that I’m not exactly into bestiality.”
“Assuming you’re speaking of cross-species relationships, then you could have fooled me. Seeing what you did with innocent little Fluttershy just a bit ago? Shameful!”
“What I did with Fluttershy?”
“Why yes, what you did with Fluttershy. Do you not remember? Because I can show you...”
Discord and the darkness around me disappeared suddenly, only to be replaced with Fluttershy’s kitchen. I was lying on the floor looking up at the ceiling, still unable to move my limbs.
Beyond my control, I placed a hand against my head, using the other to grab the table next to me to pull myself up and onto the chair in front of me. I rested my head in my hands on the table for a moment before looking up at the pegasus across from me.
“My dearest Fluttershy, why was I just on the floor?”
‘What’s with the English accent?’
Fluttershy’s eyes brightened for a moment before taking on a predatory glare as she smiled at me. Her body suddenly tensed before she leaped out of the chair and pounced at me with her lips puckered and forehooves held out wide.
‘OKAY! STOP ! STOP!’
She froze in the air with her eyes closed and her wings sticking comically outwards.
“Why, do you not like it?”
Fluttershy’s head suddenly retreated into her body like a turtle before Discord’s quickly popped out to take its place.
“Because you could have fooled me.”
I was still incapable of moving anything other than my eyes and mouth, but could see that my arms were held out wide in a similar manner to her’s, ready to receive the pouncing pegasus.
"Perhaps you'd like a different example before we continue?"
Another snap resounded and the room disappeared around me. I was still in a chair, though my head was lolled back and I seemed to be bound up and surrounded by murky semi-darkness. A sudden pain ignited in my crotch, reminding me of exactly what this memory was.
'Oh... Yeah.'
Light streamed into the room as a door flew open suddenly. A gasp was heard and my head lifted itself up to look at the yellow pegasus framed in the light glowing about her form.
Suddenly a voice was heard, seemingly coming from every corner and crevice inside of the room; my voice.
"The yellow rays of sunlight seemed to make her glow with a golden hue, every feather and feature outlined in the amber light. Her teal eyes were narrowed and her bared teeth strikingly white, stark against her shadowed face. It was shocking, it was terrifying, and it was, dare I say...Sexy ." My voice paused for a moment. "Yeah, I tapped that."
The room and bindings disappeared as my dreamscape reverted back to Fluttershy’s kitchen, the sick goat-headed pegasus still floating there, frozen in place.
"My my Stan, that was quite poetic."
"What, so now you can read my thoughts?"
Fluttershy’s hoof swung awkwardly in a dismissive motion before freezing back into place.
"Yes, but it's quite exhausting really. That time I just couldn't resist." His head retreated back into the pegasus’ body and Flutttershy’s returned to fill its place.
“But enough about that, let’s continue.”
The world was set in motion again as the pegasus flew towards me in painfully slow motion; he was obviously trying to milk this for all it was worth.
‘STOP! STOP ! STOP!’
There was no reply.
‘Discord, you’ve proven your point, stop this-’
The pegasus was just an inch away from me before time returned to its normal pace. I fell to the floor with Fluttershy on top of me. Her eyes were closed, her lips locked with mine and I swear to god that I felt a tongue enter my mouth.
Of course I couldn’t confirm or deny this before she disappeared in a puff of yellow smoke, the kitchen soon following after. Discord appeared again in a sudden flash, though strangely he had several cracks running the length of his form with a bright light leaking out.
“Well this is no fun, it seems that you’re waking up Stan. No matter, this little ‘memory’ of yours will pick up where you left off the next time you fall asleep.”
“I’ll look forward to it...”
“In the meantime, there is somepony else I need to have a visit with...”
One more snap was heard before he disappeared and the darkness around me imploded with light.
‘Ugh, my back. Actually, ugh my everything.’
I didn’t know exactly where I was, but judging from the lack of comfort it certainly wasn’t on a mattress. My head was resting on its side when I opened my eyes, sending a shooting pain through my skull from the sudden light. I appeared to be resting on a red and white quilt, a plain dotted with the occasional tree filling my vision. The sun was well on it’s way into the sky, setting the time at around 10-ish.
‘So, Ponyville park. How exactly did I get here?’
An all too familiar warm weight against my chest answered that question as I turned my head to look at the resting intruder. Fluttershy slept soundly on my form, her head moving slightly with the rise and fall of my chest.
The sight of the sleeping pegasus ignited a fire within me. Not a happy flame, not a passionate flame, but an angry flame that radiated outwards from the very core of my being. SHE had drugged me, SHE had taken advantage of me, SHE treated me no better than a 50 year old rapist treats a hooker in a nightclub.
Now, I have multiple ways of venting my frustrations; most of them involve yelling a colorful string of words into and/or at fluffy pieces of furniture I.e. pillows. But surprisingly, there wasn’t a pillow in clear sight; the closest thing being a fluffy yellow pegasus. Unfortunately for her, my mind was too tired and drugged out to really discern a sizable difference.
‘You know what? Why the hell not?’
She was quite honestly the source of all this frustration, so it should be no surprise that I came down on her with a vengeance. Using my arms, I propped myself up abruptly, knocking the sleeping pony off my form and onto the blanket below. I stood up and brushed myself off before bringing my angry gaze onto the pegasus.
"Fluttershy! What in the-"
To my surprise and displeasure, she had managed to stay soundly asleep, even after I stood up. An idea suddenly entered into my head on how one may irritate a dog to no end, by blowing into their ear. I mean she’s a pony and all, but they can’t really be all that different can they? Their physiology of the ear is relatively the same.
I crouched down into saigon squat position, took a deep breath and blew a stream just as hard as I could.
“Mmmm-OH my!”
*Pomf*
She exploded upwards with her wings standing at attention before landing in an awkward pile on on her back. She looked up at me in confusion, a large blush on her face.
‘Wings erect? Blush? What the- Who the- Why the-’
It suddenly dawned on me.
‘Crap. Ears, pleasure point, yeah...’
She looked up at me nervously.
“St-Stan?”
‘What?’
"Are you kidding me right now? Who in the hell did you think it was? I’m the only god d*** human in this place."
She winced at my aggression and pulled her legs tightly against her body together, making herself as small as possible.
“W-well I-”
“What, did you expect some f***ity f*** pal to play house with? Did you want me to be the car, you being the garage?”
“Stan! It’s not-”
“Oh I know exactly what it is; you drugged me, had your way with me and expected me to just completely ignore it and fall head over heels for you!”
Her eyes were beginning well up with tears.
“St-Stan, it isn’t like tha-”
I interrupted.
“Bull f***ing s*** it isn’t. You’ve done nothing but slut around your happy little cottage, expecting me to gladly be your personal sex toy! And one time, whether you had any part in it or not, I actually was!”
“B-b-but Stan...”
“No. I’m done, I’ve put up with enough of your bull s***.”
She was full on crying at this point.
“*sniff* I-I’m sorr-”
I leaned in close to her.
“Look, I’m not the type of guy to fall for false sincerity. I know you’re not sorry, just give it up. ”
She opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off.
“And guess what, I’m not into f***ing animals; take that however way you’d like.”
Her lower lip trembled as looked at me. She suddenly burst into heart wrenching sobs before turning around and sprinting away. Following her example, I turned around, only to find that a small crowd had gathered to watch our little one-sided spat.
“And just what the hell are you guys looking at?”
They dispersed at lightning speed, allowing me to walk onto the path and into Ponyville; if I was going to be a douche today, then I was going to milk it for all it’s worth.
‘Pants, here I come.’
*Dingaling*
"Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, where everything is sleek, sheik and magnifique- Oh Stan! Welcome! My, I am so under dressed."
I looked at the white unicorn in disbelief.
"You know that you ponies don't exactly wear clothing; like, you know, at all."
She smirked at me and took a few steps forward in my direction.
"I love it when you talk dirty...."
I raised an eyebrow in her direction.
“In what universe is that dirty? Oh wait, I guess in a universe FILLED WITH MAGICAL TALKING PONIES!”
She stood in front of me for a moment before rearing up onto her hind legs, propping herself up with her forehooves against my lower chest.
“I heard about your breakup with Fluttershy.” She wrapped her hooves around me in a hug.
‘How could she possibly- you know what, why am I even surprised? Wait...BREAKUP!?!’
She craned her neck to move her muzzle as close to my ear as possible, which in all honesty wasn’t that close.
“Although I don’t really agree with your methods” She whispered to me. “I completely understand why you did it.” She let her hoof wander against my chest. “You want a REAL mare.”
I promptly pulled away, allowing her hooves to fall back to the floor with a *clop*.
“What? No!”
She began to walk towards me with a smirk as I simultaneously backed away from her.
“Nonsense darling, you don’t have to deny it anymore.”
My back made contact with a wall.
‘Crap.’
Her smirk grew a bit more in victory as she reared up again. Luckily for me, I was ready for this advance. I caught her forehooves with my hands and pulled them above my head, her hind legs dangling above the floor and her face right in front of mine.
“Okay no, that is NOT what I came here for: I want my pants. Now.”
“Oooh commanding.” She wrapped her long tail around my waist. “I quite like a stallion with authority.”
I pulled her away from me to extricate her tail from my waist before slinging her under my arm. I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but these ponies are surprisingly light.
“Oh...OH!” She turned her head to look up at me. “Are you going to ravish me?”
“You and I are clearly not on the same page here; just tell me where my pants are at so I can get out of here.”
She paused for a moment as I awkwardly stood there with her under my arm.
“Upstairs, it’s the first door you come across.”
“What? You’re not taking me with you?”
“I don’t see why I'd be carrying you, you’ve got two- sorry, four perfectly good legs right there.”
I began to make my way into the boutique and up the stairs, Rarity’s telltale clop of hooves following close behind. Soon I was before a door with a large, gem encrusted ‘R’ upon its front. Shrugging, I opened the door and walked into the dark room; only to have the door slam shut behind me as the curtains flew open, spilling light into the room.
'Aaaand I'm in Rarity's bedroom...Why am I even surprised?'
Rarity trotted past me with her horn aglow, I could assume based on the glowing that she had just slammed the door shut. Wrapping her tail around my waist again, she looked over her shoulder up at me.
"Why Stan! Why on Equestria would you have followed a mare into her bedroom?"
'How in the hell do they move their tails like that, they're horses for Petes sake, not dogs. Wait... physiology is always a mood killer.'
"So how do you ponies move your tails so skillfully?"
She withdrew her tail from my waist and turned to face me.
"You'll find that that's not the only thing we're skilled at-" She swished her tail behind her flank playfully. "-moving limberly about."
'Okay, that did not go as intended.'
"So uhh... Where are my pants?"
"Oh you'll get your pants, but you may have to wait a bit to try them on... For size."
"Let me repeat myself; where are my pants?
"Why downstairs in closet of my studio of course, I'm just here to collect payment."
"Yeah, not doing that."
"Oh dear, but I must insist."
The knob was suddenly coated in her signature sky blue aura, locking it in place despite my greatest attempts at turning it. Letting out an exasperated sigh, I took my hand away from the door and walked towards the white unicorn starting at me from her vantage point lying on the bed.
She smirked at me walking towards her.
"I just knew you'd come around darling." I now stood in front of her. "No stallion can resist Rari-AHHH!"
I shot my hand out, grabbing her horn right at the base. Frankly, I had no idea what was going to happen, I just hoped it would get that door to open for me.
I didn't expect the freaking thing to shock me, nor did I expect for her to screech and then pass out on the bed, but you can't always get whatcha want now can ya? On the bright side; at the cost of my rapidly numbing arm, her horn wasn't lit anymore leading me to believe that the door was no longer locked into place
Turning around, I made my way back to the entrance of her room. I look a quick look over my shoulder at the sleeping unicorn, shrugged and opened the door to exit the room. I walked down the steps into her studio with my now limp arm flapping about; noticing a purple door just to my right, I turned and opened it up.
'Well there's the pants.'
A pair of navy blue dress pants was currently being displayed on a mannequin of a man surrounded by several bolts of multicolored cloth and other sewing supplies. I could only assume that the man was me, but it seemed a tad bit off. A tad bit off meaning that it was completely missing its upper-body, it was just legs. You’d think of it as a regular kind of thing; just a pair of mannequin legs for displaying, but the saw marks at the waist told me a completely different story: The top half was forcibly removed.
The image of someone, or something sawing the mannequin in half sent a brief shiver down my spine. Shaking my head to clear the thought away, I reached my good arm towards the garment.
Wearing my new pants proudly on the exterior of my being, I walked through Ponyville proper; these things were freaking tricky to get on with one functioning arm. My walk continued along through the market as I made my way towards my next destination: Sweet Apple Acres.
Now I know what you’re thinking, ‘Stan are you F***ING insane! Applejack will play jump rope with your intestines!’ and you might be right, but I was banking on the idea of free-labor appealing to her... Nicer side? Assuming that side exists, towards me at least.
Unfortunately, after that little spat with Flutter-shag-me-all-day-shy, I needed a new place to live and she was the best candidate. I get the vibe from Twilight like she’s dissecting me with her eyeballs, and would love to get down to physically doing so, so she was out of the question. Pinkie Pie is insane, doubt I’d survive five minutes in that atmosphere without punching a filly; something frowned upon in their society. Rainbow Dash lived on a cloud for some retarded reason, so she was out too. Rarity...Well that should be self-explanatory.
Applejack offered the only...hostile, business-like atmosphere that I’d grown so fond of back home. Sarcasm of course, but at least it was familiar to me. Maybe I’d be able to even get some bits on the side, though the thought of her paying me was a bit of a long shot.
Before I knew it, I was surrounded by a forest apple trees, a few resounding thuds coming from somewhere in the distance in front of me. I continued along the path until I saw the orange nightmare herself, bucking her hind legs against an apple tree, causing the fruit to fall impossibly neat into several bushels around the base of the trunk.
There was a similar thud, if ever so slightly louder, that came from behind me. It was followed by a not so feminine gasp. By the time I turned my head to investigate, there was only a flash of red in the corner of my vision that disappeared as abruptly as it had shown up.
“Big Mac, what’re ya-”
I didn’t shift my head, hoping I’d still be able to find the source of the gasp I had heard earlier. The trotting of hooves signalled Applejack’s approach.
“And just what in tarnation are you doin’ here!?!”
I turned my head away from the trees and looked at the snarling mare, her posture making her appear seemingly ready to charge me.
I held up the hand on my good arm in a non-aggressive, ‘don’t gut me and roast me on a spit’ gesture. Needless to say, it came out looking more like, ‘Hi! How are you doing today?’
“Hear me out here, I just need to ask an important question.”
Her tense demeanor imperceptibly lightened, though the snarl didn't leave her face. She curtly nodded at me to continue.
"Well uhh... I need a new place to live and was hoping-"
"No way and now! I'll never let a lily-livered inconsiderate pile of-"
"I'll work on your orchard for free?"
Her anger vanished completely as she lifted her head back up into a far less threatening position. She showed genuine surprise on her face.
'Always hit 'em where it matters; their wallets.'
Her face contorted back to anger, if ever so slightly less so than before.
"And just why would ya want to do that? Did Fluttershy dump your sorry flank?"
'Why does everyone think Fluttershy and I are dating!?!'
"No! I mean, we were never dating!"
She smirked and rolled her eyes at me. I ran a hand through my hair in frustration.
"*Sigh* Look, I just want some new scenery ya know? And uhh...” I paused for a moment before a thought entered my head. “Plus I'm getting a little thick around the waist too, need a new working lifestyle."
The second part was a complete lie, my (almost) vegan diet mixed with the multitude of odd jobs I've been performing for Flutters has left me, if not more fit, then at least more healthy than I was back home.
She slowly walked in my direction with her head tilted slightly to the side. She walked around me a couple of times before stopping in front and putting a hoof to her chin in thought.
"You are looking a might bit pudgier than you were when ya first got here." I rolled my eyes at her jab. "And we are a bit behind this harvestin’ season...”
“Alright sweet!” I started to walk towards the farm house. “I’ll just-”
She lifted a forehoof and held it out in front of my legs to stop me.
“Nuh-uh pard’ner, you’re sleepin in the barn.”
“Oh come on, why in the-”
“The house ain’t got no room for ya anyhow. That reminds me...”
She trotted off to the barn and stepped inside, after a moment she came galloping back with something in her mouth. I held my working arm out and a large burlap sack was deposited in my hand.
“These are your work duds, don’t wanna be ruinin’ those fancy pants of yours now do ya?”
I lifted the burlap up and dangled it in front of my face.
“And just how am I supposed to wear this?”
“Well how did ya wear that towel of yours?”
“Around my waist but-”
“Well there you go! Just wear it ‘round your waist while ya work!”
I dropped the bag on the ground.
“Yeah, not doing that.” A flash of anger went across her face as I dropped the bag, but a smile, albeit a bit forced, filled back in. “Just what work are you planning on me doing anyhow?”
“Why applebucking of course!”
She walked over to a tree still full of delicious looking red apples and bucked it with her hind legs, again making them fall neatly into the bushels around the trunk.
“It’s easy, you just give the tree a good old fashion bu-” Her eyes opened wide in realization. “Oh yeah, ya ain’t a pony...”
‘Ya think?’
“Well, uhh...How good are you at massages?”
“Just no. I’ll just pick the apples thank you very much.”
I walked over to a tree and reached a hand out to grab an apple.
“Picking apples? That sounds mighty exhausting.” She paused for a moment as I picked the apple, deposited it into a bushel and reached for another. “Sounds like it’s right up your alley Stan!”
‘Of all the girls I’ve met in my days, you are by far the biggest bi-’
“If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got something to pick up from Twilight’s. You just keep on apple...Picking, we can set ya up in the barn when I’m back.”
I waved my good arm dismissively and reached for another apple.
“Alright good. Shouldn’t be more than a half-hour. Don’t burn the farm down, ya hear?”
‘Don’t tempt me...’
I soon heard her hooves clopping away as I reached towards a fourth apple.
“STAN!!!”
‘What was that noise?’
I turned my vision from recently cleared apple tree and gazed around a bit.
“STAN!!!”
‘What in the world?’
I noticed a dust cloud trail coming from the horizon and leading towards a hill by the farm. Soon Applejack popped up over the crest of the hill, sprinting in my direction.
“STAN!!! I’M GOING TO BUCK YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!!!”
‘Huh. Didn’t see that one coming.’
She was gaining ground to my current position scarily quick.
‘I should probably...S***!’
The mare was a mere ten feet away from me at that point. I made a split second decision and quickly scaled the trunk of the small apple tree. Luckily my arm was back to functioning at this point.
Settling uncomfortably among the tree’s branches, I looked down at the angry mare now waiting at the base of the trunk.
“Stan! Come down from there so I can beat ya down fer what ya said to Fluttershy!”
“How about I not do that and stay up here?”
She ground her teeth in frustration before turning around and bucking the tree rather hard.
“F***!”
Applejack turned her head and looked behind her back up at me with a smirk.
“What? Can’t handle a good ol’-” She whacked the tree again. “-buck?”
“I can handle a buck just fine, your friend Fluttershy can attest to that.”
‘Okay, WHY IN THE HELL DID I JUST SAY THAT?!?’
Her smirk vanished and her right eye twitched slightly. She suddenly shot her legs out and bucked the tree hard enough to splinter the trunk, forcing me to grab the branches all the tighter. Without another look back, she trotted away in the direction of the barn.
Playing it safe, I decided it was in my best interests to stay up in the tree. That’s not saying I didn’t keep my eye on the crazy orange mare.
‘What is that girl up to?’
Of course, life being life decided to answer that question for me.
Applejack shot out of the barn, again holding something it her mouth. It had a long wooden handle with a red and silver blade at its tip.
‘Is that...an axe?’
Applejack stopped in front of my tree and dropped the axe on the ground.
“Ahm gonna ask ya one more time, come down from there now and I’ll only break three of your limbs.”
“You wouldn’t chop down one of your own apple trees.”
“Try me.”
I didn’t make another move or sound, I just grabbed an apple from a branch I apparently missed and began to munch on it.
“Alright Stanny boy, suit yourself.”
She lowered her head to the ground, picked up the handle of the axe in her mouth and pulled her head back to swing. I flinched and closed my eyes; expectantly waiting for the axe’s impact.
Of course, it never came.
I opened my eyes back up and looked down at the mare. She had dropped the axe on the ground again and was staring with glistening eyes at the trunk of the tree. She walked up next to it and placed a hoof on the trunk with her head lowered.
“Ah- Ahm’ sorry Bethany...”
‘Is she crying over a tree?’
I made a poor attempt at muffling a snort, sending Applejack’s vision straight back up at me. She had tears running down her face at this point, but her expression was far from sad. Her eyes had nothing on Fluttershy’s ‘stare’, but the sheer anger behind them still sent a shiver down my spine.
Redoubled with righteous fury, she lifted the axe back up and took a swing at the tree. The sudden shaking almost making me lose my handholds.
“F***! Applejack, what in the hell are you accomplishing here?!?”
I flinched every time she reared back and made contact with the trunk; I mean come on, that had to hurt her teeth.
“I’m- *thwack* -hoping- *thwack* -to put a- *thwack* -dent- *thwack* -in that thick skull of yours!”
The mare was making impossibly quick progress, chunks of Bethany were flying all over the place. I was put into a place of desperation; I’d rather not die by the hooves of a cute, little, orange pony, I’d be the laughing stock of the afterlife if that were to happen.
“Uhh...AHH stop Applejack, it’s Bethany, please stop!”
She looked up at me.
“Joke’s on you pardner, Bethany is a guy.”
“Why in the hell would you name a guy Bethany?!?”
*K-CRACK*
‘Oh no...’
Applejack dropped the axe, turned around and looked over her shoulder up at me. She smiled a devious smile.
“Game over Stanny boy.”
She shot her legs out and bucked the tree for all she was worth. You’d figure that it’d just tip over, but noooo it had to completely separate from the trunk and fly backwards. I must say: That girl has some legs on her.
“S*** F***!”
I flew out of the branches and fell none too gracefully onto my back, knocking my head rather hard against the ground. I reached a shaking hand to the back of my skull and pulled it in front of my face, it was stained with red.
‘Oh blood...That’s coooo-’
My vision swam with pink dots as I blacked out.
I was suddenly pressed against a wooden floor with my eyes closed and my lips locked with some other being.
‘What the hell?’
The familiar sensation of a tongue entering my mouth cleared away my confusion. When Discord makes a promise, he’s always sure to deliver. I was apparently reliving the ‘lost memory’ of my time with Fluttershy yesterday.
The tongue retreated from my mouth suddenly as the lips pulled away, my body opened its eyes in surprise.
“What is it my dear?”
Fluttershy stood above my form, though strangely with tears streaking down her face. Not happy tears or hysterical tears, but tears of genuine sadness.
My body reached a hand out and rested it on her cheek.
“Fluttershy, it’s me Stanley, why are you crying.”
She recoiled at my touch and slapped my hand away with her hoof.
“*sniff* That’s just it, this isn’t right, you aren’t Stan.”
"My dear, Stan is a brute and a jerk."
She turned her head towards me, eyes filled with furious tears. She placed a forehoof none too gently on my chest.
"Don't say that about him!”
‘The hell is going on here?’
I looked into her angry eyes.
“Well right now Stan isn’t here, I am. I’m the closest you’ll ever get to having a relationship with that-” I made a disgusted face. “-miserable, uncouth-”
The pressure increased on my chest.
“Maaaaan.”
Fluttershy’s rage dissipated as she visibly deflated.
“I-I know...”
“Then let’s make this a day to remember my dear.”
Fluttershy lifted her head back up and looked at me with glistening eyes. Her mouth turned up into a smile and mine soon followed suit.
“*sniff* Yeah, a day to remember.”
“STAN!”
‘What was that?’
“STAN! WAKE UP!”
“Stan...Please wake up.”
I opened my eyes to the world and was treated with the sight of what appeared to be an angel. Light was streaking around her face, framing it with sunbeams and hiding her features.
"Wh-what?"
The figure jumped back in surprise before quickly moving back towards me. Two large turquoise pools were staring at me intently, not a shred of ill will within their depths.
"F-Fluttershy?"
My vision suddenly filled with orange as something roughly hit my forehead with an intense amount of force.
Fluttershy shifted her vision from me onto the source of the orange hoof.
"Applejack!"
Fluttershy looked back down at me as my vision began to swim.
"Stan? Stan!?!"
She lifted her head back up with anger on her features.
I heard a muffled "How dare you!" before blacking out again.
'The hell?'
My surroundings had changed dramatically. I was now in a familiar stretch of plain sitting down with my back against a tree. It was now late in the day, the only source of illumination coming from the moon and stars in front of me. I was made aware of a warm weight leaning against me as it sighed in contentment.
"I-it's so beautiful..."
"Not as beautiful as you my dear."
"Mmmm... NO!"
The pegasus jumped out of my reach, her warmth quickly retreating from my being as the brisk night air filled its place.
"Fluttershy, what is wrong?"
She glared accusingly at me.
"You know perfectly well what's wrong." She trotted towards me and pressed a hoof roughly against my chest. "Don't. Touch. My. Ears."
"Y-you aren't Stan..."
I pursed my lips.
"No my dear, I am not Stan." I stood up and reached a hand out, carefully stroking her mane. I lowered my mouth to her ear. "But I'll do things for you that you can't even dream of Stan doing."
I blew a steady stream of cold air at her ear and she melted under my hand.
"Mmph...N-...NO!"
My doppelganger rolled its eyes.
"So you don't want to have any fun tonight I see." Fluttershy shook her head as she looked at me. "Then what do you want to do my dearest Fluttershy?"
"W-well... When I was a filly, my parents and I used to lay on the clouds and look up at the night sky... W-we t-tried to make constellations out of the scattered stars..."
I raised an eyebrow at her, but laid down on the checkered blanket nonetheless. Fluttershy soon trotted over and laid on her back next to me. She sighed.
“I-I don’t love you Stanley...” She paused. “But I’m glad that you’re around... A-at least I can pretend that you’re Stan...”
“I’m both flattered and disgusted by that.”
And my vision suddenly exploded with light.
I jolted awake into a sitting up position. Looking around, I saw that I was in Fluttershy’s cottage on her couch in the living room.
‘That stupid applebucking b****! I’m going to get you back, mark my words...’
I was brought out of my thoughts by an intake of breath coming from the kitchen. Turning my head, I saw Fluttershy standing in the doorway with a bowl balanced on top of her head.
She lowered her head and looked away from me, nearly spilling the substance in the process. I watched her as she slowly trotted over to me and deposited the bowl on the coffee table in front of me.
“I-I umm...Made you some soup...”
I looked down at the bowl and reached towards the handle of the spoon inside of it. I brought a scoop to my lips and opened my mouth, but made a sudden decision and dropped it back into the bowl.
“OH! I’m sorry, do you not like tomato?”
“I-I’m screwing up e-everything today.”
“Fluttershy-”
“N-no. I-I deserve it; everything I put you through since you’ve gotten here.” She sniffled. “I-I’m so sorry Stan. I-I just wanted you to-”
I placed my hand under her chin and lifted up her head up to look me in the eyes. She stared back at me in surprise. Making another split second decision, I brought the weeping pegasus into a hug, putting her head over my shoulder.
“No Fluttershy, I’m sorry.”
“*Sniff* Wh-what?”
“I made an assumption about you with no grounds -actually, I had some reasons to make the assumption but-” She sniffed again. “Anyways, regardless of what you've done before, I'm the one that needs to apologize.”
“B-b-but-”
“Look, I’m not good with this sappy stuff. Just take my apology and we can get on with our lives.”
“Y-y-” She took a deep breath. “Yes I-I forgive you.”
I rubbed a hand against her back gently, not even taking the time to avoid her wings.
“D-does that mean you’re staying here?”
“Well, I’m pretty sure that if I went back to Applejack’s she’d murder me and use my skull for-”
She suddenly wiggled out of my grasp and embraced me tightly with her forehooves around my neck.
“YES! YES! YES! YES!”
Her wings were flapping excitedly behind her back.
“MMM...FLUTTERSHY...CAN’T BREATH!”
She quickly released me and dropped down onto all four hooves, blushing slightly in embarrassment. I reached an arm up and rubbed my neck tenderly.
“Now that that’s out of the way.” I stood up. “How about I whip something up for ya? My treat. I mean technically it’s your food but-”
I had began to walk towards the kitchen, but she shot out a hoof and grasped my hand with its magical magnetic powers. I stopped and looked down at her.
“What is it Fluttershy?”
“Now that y-you’re not mad at me. R-remember th-that question I w-was going to ask you y-yesterday?”
I waved a hand dismissively.
“Yes yes, but you never got a chance to ask. So what is it.”
She took a deep breath and adopted a determined expression on her face.
“St-Stan?”
I rolled my eyes and smiled at her shyness.
“Yes Fluttershy?”
“W-would y-you go out on a d-date with me?”
Author's Note
Big thanks to AliCentaur Br0ny and Hollyhock for prereading this bad-boy for me.Jack Kellar for giving me the idea that basically spawned this entire chapter.
This chapter is setting up SO many things in the future it's ridiculous.
If something in this chapter doesn't make sense, don't hesitate to ask about it. It's vague on purpose since it's setting things up, but I'll still answer any questions if you have them.
This monstrosity of a chapter, semi cliff-hanger and the scrapped chapter four material in my blog should tide you over for a little while. Or at least I hope it will
Cue final random thought: I realized Stan doesn't have a last name. Until I come up with something or a better suggestion is put out there, he's going to be Stan Von Luxenlicious.
Chapter Thirteen: Revenge is Orange
With the sugar-sweet idea of revenge fresh in my brain, I made my way to Sweet Apple Acres. People may or may not question my sanity at this point; Applejack is a pony, but dang does the chick have some fight in her.
Now, I knew that this decision I was making could only end badly, but God dang it did I want to get this mare back for my two concussions. Yeah, that whole tree thing mixed with the getting hit by her hoof probably lowered my IQ by a two digit number, maybe that was why I wasn't second guessing myself, but I digress.
I stopped momentarily at the entrance to their orchard to look up at the sign.
'Sweet Apple Acres'
'Y'all come back now, ya hear?'
I'd be lying if I said that vandalism didn't cross my mind at the time, but I didn't want to be too much of a jerk. I only had qualms with two members of the apple family, and frankly one creeps me out to the point of revenge not being viable option for getting him back.
I've found that every one of these ponies has a weird kink for random crap; Flutters for example is a bit of a xenophile. Now, I'm sure that I could add more to her list, like when she wished to carry miniscule mini-me in... Intimate pony places, leading me to believe she has a microphilia thing going on as well, but for the sake of not verbally embarrassing the 'poor' pegasus I won't continue.
But I could. Just for the record.
Anyways, back on track.
I didn't want the red stallion to take my vandalism as a symbolistic delivering of flowers, you can never be too safe around these ponies after all.
I cleared my head of the vandalism idea, brought my gaze back to the path in front of me and began to strut my way into the apple farm. Soon, off in the horizon in the acreage I saw an orange speck standing with its head lowered next to an apple tree. As I began to get closer, I saw that it was bucking the tree behind it with one hind leg half-heartedly, not an apple falling out of place.
Somehow, even as I got closer, my exaggerated walking sequence hadn't caught the pony’s attention yet. I leaned against a tree about ten feet away from her and cleared my throat.
"*Ahem*"
She didn't even flinch.
"*AHEM!*"
Still not even a second glance given in my direction.
"*AHHEEEAAAPPLEJACKEMMM*"
She froze at this. Slowly bringing her head up to look at the source of the dying-parakeet-esque noise. She looked confusedly at me for a moment, with bags under her lifeless eyes. It wasn’t long before her pupils shrunk to pinpricks.
She came to life and backed quickly up against the tree, leaning her back up against it as she fell on her flank attempting to scoot away.
"Y-you stay away from me!"
To say that I was confused at the time would be an understatement.
"And why in the world would you want me to do that?"
"Your demon marefriend that's why!"
'Marefriend? I don’t have a marefriend, what is she- Oh... Dang Fluttershy, what did you do to her?'
I was a little disappointed by this apparent fear, I was hoping to have some retaliation at least, revenge isn't any fun otherwise.
Attempting to elicit a reaction, I pulled an apple off the tree I was leaning on and took a bite out of it. She didn't even bat an eyelash. I chewed the bit of apple and swallowed before responding.
"For the record, I don’t have a girlfriend, nevertheless a marefriend, but I think I know what you’re getting at. So you're afraid of little Flutters, the kindest pony in Ponyville?"
"Afraid? Afraid!?!" She smiled and let out a hysterical laugh. "I don't know what, but that mare ain't a pony, she's somethin' else entirely."
'Dang it Flutters! Let me have some fun too!'
"So... You don't mind if I do this?" I took another apple off the tree and stuffed it into my pocket, it was a tight fit to say the least.
"Anything. Anything that'll get you off my farm and away from me!"
I scowled at her.
"Now you're just no fun."
I dropped the apple I was eating and kicked it off into the forest of trees. Still not getting even a slight reaction from her.
Rolling my eyes, I walked away from the frightened mare, a plan slowly formulating in my head.
She let out a sigh of relief, eliciting a devious smile from me as I, unbeknownst to her, turned off the path and into the orchard.
Applejack shot her legs out at another apple tree, a resounding thump signalling a firm impact. She turned her head, but to her unsurprised dismay, not an apple was out of place.
Her mind was occupied. Actually, occupied is the wrong word. Her mind was filled with terror, the image of two-
'Cyan pools of pure malice, not one bit of the friend I know and love within them.'
She shook her head to clear the thought away, it wasn't Fluttershy’s fault for lashing out at her.
Her heart could only blame herself for the poor decision of attacking the helpless human, but her mind foolishly blamed a different source of Fluttershy’s righteous anger; Stan.
Anger consumed her being, but she knew that any attempt at attacking or lashing out at the human would only cause troubles on her end. Though that's not to say that the mare hadn't considered it, only if it meant bringing Stan down with her.
She was brought out of her thoughts by a sudden rustling of leaves somewhere nearby. Not catching where the source of the noise came from, she looked about cautiously.
There was nothing but trees within sight, not a single bit of movement met her eyes. She glared suspiciously out at the farm around her before slowly bringing her gaze back to the tree. She let out a sigh and rested her head against the trunk, her hat adding some much needed padding.
“Ah just need to apologize...Yeah, I’ll go to Fluttershy and apologize to her.”
A smile came onto the pony’s features as she pulled her head away from the tree, when suddenly the rustling of leaves came back, this time she could clearly hear it above her. She brought her gaze up to the branches of the apple tree.
“Don’t forget about me.”
I dropped onto the surprised pony, sending her legs splayed outwards as I lay victoriously on top of her.
“How do you like them apples?”
‘WAY too cheesy.’
I brought my face down to the struggling, yet immobile pony underneath me. Her green eyes were filled with rage.
“Stan you no good varmint! Get off o’ me!”
“No can do sweetheart, you have something that I want.”
I briefly thought of the irony in this situation; me, a human, on top of a sentient equine similarly to how the non-sentient variety were ridden back home. Mentally shrugging, I reached a hand out and grabbed the angry pony’s hat.
She must’ve known what I was doing, because her squirming under me suddenly became out of control.
“STAN! YOU PUT MY HAT BACK ON THIS INSTANT!”
I winced at her sudden increase in volume.
“Come now, do we really need to resort to yelling? You could always ask nicely you know.”
She huffed under me.
“There’s no way and no how I’m going to ask you nicely. Now let me go and give me back my hat, or I swear to Celestia that I’ll buck your apples so hard that your foals will feel it!"
‘Ouch, that was needlessly descriptive.’
“Now that wasn’t very nice at all.” I placed the hat on my head. “I gotta say that I’ve grown quite fond of this ‘western charm’ thing you got going on. I think I’ll take the hat with me.”
Pulling a thick bit of string from my pocket that I had taken from the barn, I reached back and grabbed Applejack’s tail, bringing it up to her mane.
"STAN WHAT ARE YOU-" She suddenly froze as I grabbed her tail. "let that go."
"Sorry AJ, I'm kinda busy right now, could you repeat that?"
Funnily enough, that actually wasn't a lie; I was quite preoccupied with using the string to tie her tail to her-
"Let. That. GO!"
"Alright alright."
'5, 4, 3, 2, 1-'
"ZERO!"
I hopped off of Applejack and shot like a rocket down the path leading out of the acreage and into Ponyville.
"SORRY APPLEJACK, I GOTTA RUN!"
"STAN! AHM' GONNA KILL YA!"
I brought my gaze back to the road in front of me.
'Let the games begin.'
I'll be honest here, although it may be a cruel thing to do, I'm always one to look for and exploit one's weakness. Thinking/knowing that Applejack had a terrible nights sleep from the bags under her eyes, I figured a chase wouldn't be a bad idea. I had the advantage after all.
I can safely assume that you know what I'm getting at: I was horribly horribly wrong.
Like a cowboy hat wearing dog with its tail between its legs, I raced out of the orchard, my pursuer not ten feet behind me.
"STAN! THERE'S NO USE IN RUNNING! AHM' GONNA CATCH YA!"
"Well I'm doing it anyway!"
Big Macintosh was near the property line of Sweet Apple Acres carrying a bushel of apples back to the barn when the object of his dreams ran by the path in front of him.
Luckily, he had just enough time to drop the bushel and hide behind a nearby tree, albeit peeking his not-so-discreet red and orange head out to watch the creature go by.
He let out a sigh at his shyness and walked out from behind the tree only to see his sister streaking by, running after the human.
Oh you think that by me saying 'streaking by' I meant that she going fast? Well, even in a land in which nudity is an accepted practice, there are... Ways to showcase oneself for the masses. Believe it or not, a pony's lifted tail is actually a rather popular form of 'streaking'. Unfortunately for the red stallion, his vantage point didn't exactly cover anything up.
Big Mac was given a rather detailed look at a not-so-orange part of Applejack as she passed by him. He didn't blush as much as he did turn green.
"STAN! THERE'S NO USE IN RUNNING!"
Stan responded, but at that point, they were too far gone for the stallion to hear anything.
The color on Big Mac's face shifted from green with disgust to green with envy at his sister's pursuit. Clearly she wanted the man for herself and had the assertive means to succeed in her quest.
'Ah need to step up mah game... Eeyup.'
Big Mac brought his eyes away from the chase, picked the bushel back up and shifted his gaze onto the path in front of him. He slowly began lumbering his way to the barn to drop off his load of apples.
‘Dang it! Dang it! Dang it! Dang it!’
Applejack was, unsurprisingly, making up some ground in catching me. We were far out of Sweet Apple Acres, pretty well on our way into Ponyville proper; now that is where the real fun would begin.
I’ve been trapped in Equestria for what, nineteen days now? Whatever it is, it’s been a god-awful long time; I mean only got pants yesterday, that means I went nearly three weeks with nearly nothing but a towel around my waist.
I’m getting off topic here; anyways, I’ve been here a while.
A man without television for a ‘while’ will get bored. A bored man sharing a house with a pegasus who spends every waking moment fawning over him will visit other places. A bored man attempting to avoid said pegasus will go to the library and read a book. A bored cynical jerk like myself will read a book named ‘Ponies Gone Wild’. A smart bored cynical jerk like myself will store information from said book for future purposes in embarrassing other ponies.
Rewind to my previous ‘Eureka!’ moment at Sweet Apple Acres and recall what I did to the poor mare prior to making my escape. See what I’m getting at here?
Turns out ponies can actually streak, though it works a little differently than just being nude, they’re always that way after all. Streaking involves lifting one’s tail and exposing their...Goods, so to speak.
I hope that you’re seeing my plan come together: I’ve pretty much tricked Applejack into streaking through Ponyville.
I find this to be fair revenge for two concussions; given they were healed near instantaneously with Fluttershy’s abnormal knowledge of fixing ‘boo-boos’.
"Stan! Come back here ya varmint!"
In all too short of a time, we finally found ourselves sprinting through the Ponyville marketplace; the perfect place to garner a crowd.
"*Gasp* Applejack? Why are you-"
"Sweetheart! Close your eyes!"
Off to the side, a yellow mare with an orange mane placed her hoof over a similarly colored foal.
"Oh! Ohhhhh..."
'The hell is wrong with that chick?'
Anyways, we sprinted our way through the market, soon coming across Twilight's tree.
Spike had just finished cleaning up a rather large mess of books from one of Twilight's infamous all-night study sessions.
While the unicorn was upstairs sleeping soundly on her bed, she had left a note instructing him to pick up some paper and quills.
To the regular passerby, it would seem to that they weren't running low. In fact, most would think that their current supply held an abundance of supplies, perhaps even a years worth.
These ponies, however, hadn't met Twilight Sparkle.
Spike, having just finished cleanup, walked towards the front door and opened it up, the intent of purchasing supplies for his surrogate sister fresh in his mind.
This thought was quickly dashed away as something else dashed by.
This 'Something else' was blue and tan, quickly followed by something orange, blonde and... Another color the dragon was unfamiliar to seeing on his applebucking friend.
Spike's eyes opened wide as he stood there frozen in the doorway, ever so slowly closing the door as a new idea entered his head.
'Maaaybe I'll just re-shelve the books today...'
"Well this just freaking sucks."
I had managed to expand the gap between me and Applejack significantly.
There was the sound of galloping echoing behind me, but it soon stopped in favor of the sound of something skidding to a halt.
"Well well well Stanny Boy, what do we have here?"
I turned around to see the mare slowly walking towards me with a smile on her face.
"Well I have a hat and you have a bit of string so..."
'A smartass to the very end.'
She snarled at my words and flung her neck to the side, grabbing the string in her mouth and pulling it off her mane and tail. She spat it out on the ground.
I backed up against the wall.
"Aren't you worried about what Fluttershy will do to you?"
She didn't even flinch or slow down.
"It ain't gonna be half of what I'm going to do to you."
She was a foot in front of me now, staring me down.
'Pain in three, two, one-'
*THWACK*
Two minutes later, an angry mare emerged from the alleyway placing a flattened hat on her now ruffled mane. She looked back and forth discreetly before trying to sneak her way out of town.
Four minutes after the mare left, a man stumbled his way out of the alleyway with a silly smile on his face accompanying a black eye and chipped front tooth.
"Tho' worth it."
Author's Note
Happy president's day weekend y'all!
Well, obviously this doesn't tie up any loose ends. It was intended to be the 'opener' to the next chapter that ties up at least some loose ends, but the word count got away from me...again...
In case you haven't figured it out yet, season three isn't cano- *ahem* hasn't occurred in this story (I haven't even seen anything past the apple family reunion) which means...No PegaTwiCorn. It may occur in the sequel (yes, I FINALLY have an ending for this fic and a beginning for the next fic, though it's likely ages away) but I can't be sure.
Cue final random thought: ...Yeah, I got nothing. Leave a comment below with your thoughts? I love to read them ya 'know. :P
Chapter Fourteen: Three D
If there's one thing that I've found myself to be lacking since I've arrived in Pony-Land, it's pride.
I've been steadily losing my personal supply of pride just since that first fateful day when I had to be carried to the cottage unconscious by the petite pegasus Fluttershy. Now, my little Stan-O-Meter had gone up, if ever so slightly, with that little stunt I pulled on Applejack, but of course that work was completely undone with the whole 'beaten up by a three foot tall pony' thing.
It didn't really help things after I woke up either. You see, there was a collar around my neck attached to a leash being held by a little, white, unicorn filly with a two-tone purple curly mane. She was staring intently at me and when her pale green eyes met mine; my unswollen one that is, she started jumping up and down in excitement.
"Oh oh oh! It's awake!" She tugged on the leash, prompting a gagging noise from me. "Come on! I need to show you to Rarity!"
Yeah, I wasn't exactly 'happy' with this pet treatment thing. I started to stand up, albeit slowly.
Unfortunately, she seemed to take this as an affirmative to her command as she started to tug on the leash when I was up.
"Come on slow-poke!"
At that point, I was done with her antics. I grabbed the leash and yanked it up abruptly, funnily enough with the unicorn filly in tow. She dangled in front of me.
"I hate to thay’ it-" I paused and put a hand to my aching jaw. "I hate to thay'- crap."
'Awesome, I sound like a parrot with a lisp... Screw you Applejack.'
"Whathever; I acthually don’t mind thayin’ it. I'm not your pet." Her eyes widened. "I'm Sthan; ya know, the local human of Ponyville."
She pointed the hoof not holding the leash at me.
"You can talk!"
I rolled my eyes.
‘No s*** Sherlock.’
Yes folks, Stan does indeed have a conscience.
“Yeth, I can talk. Now you thaid thomething abou’ Rarithy?”
“B-but you were making all these growly noises while you slept. And you nuzzled up against me when I put the collar on.”
Yes yes, I am notorious for my odd sleeping behavior but hey, it’s a blast at parties.
“Yeah well, I’m a weird thleeper.” I lowered the filly back to the ground and unclipped the leash. “Where did you even ge’ a collar and leath anywayth?”
She turned her head and pointed at the building behind her, i.e the one likely now stained with Stan blood. It had a sign saying-
“Leashes and Quiches. Me and my parents just got back from vacation and they gave me some money to pick something up for my sister, she loves fancy food like quiche. Too bad I spent the money on something else...”
‘Oh Leashes and Quiches, of course they have a store that sells all of TWO things that DON’T EVEN GO TOGETHER! *sigh* remember rule one Stan: Don’t question Pony-Land.’
“Ith your thister Rarithy?”
She turned back towards me and smiled, hopping up and down excitedly.
“Yup!” She suddenly frowned in confusion. “Wait, how do you know Rarity?”
“Well, the mare’s been thrying to jump my bones thince-”
“What does ‘jump my bones’ mean?”
‘Right, filly, young. How can I put this in children's terms...’
“It means Rarithy's been thrying to have sex with me.”
"What does se-"
"THHHH! You can ask Rarithy abou' ith. I need to go thee her anywayth."
Her expression brightened.
"Okay! But why do you need to see her?"
'*Sigh* Children...'
Well, earlier that day prior to leaving the cottage to mess with AJ, Fluttershy had told me to stop by Rarity's later that day to pick something up and well, her up.
Yes, it's true that I didn't reject her request to go on a date, though why she wanted it to be today, that being the day after she asked, is beyond me.
Now, I didn't deny her for a number of reasons. Firstly, I felt terrible for yelling at her and making the assumption that she had taken advantage of me. Secondly, it's next to impossible to say no to her when she makes that... Face, which isn't one you'd find in your nightmares, more like one you'd find in your happiest dreams; needless to say, it was terrifying. Thirdly, I was curious to try 'fancy' pony food. Honestly their diet is ridiculous; hay, barley and lettuce with some fruits and veggies? I couldn't eat half of the stuff without getting my stomach pumped afterwards. I had high hopes for pasta, I really really wanted me some pasta.
But I'm rambling here, let's move on.
"Well, I have tuh go thee Rarithy for a dathe-"
"A date? *gasp* You're dating my sister?!?"
"Well no buth-"
"That's so great! She's been so lonely lately, last night when I slept over she kept yelling the name of some stallion named Stan while I tried to sleep."
'Okay, did NOT need to know that.'
"Stan is weird name for a pony, I don't know why somepony's special talent would be standing. I wonder what his cutie mark is?"
The little filly just would not shut up. I did what needed to be done and grabbed her muzzle with my hand.
"Can we juth get going pleathe?"
She nodded with my hand still around her muzzle and hummed out a "Mmmhmm." I released my hand and she began to trot away.
"Come on Sthan!"
And cue facepalm.
Fact of the day: I'm great with kids.
Another equally relevant yet not 'fact of the day' fact: I don't understand kids. At all.
I'm sure that you're sitting there right now doubting the whole 'good with kids thing', especially considering that I told a little filly what 'jumping my bones' meant. Yes, that was a bit douchey, but I had just gotten a beating, courtesy of miss Applejack-a**, and woke up with a collar around my neck, wouldn't you be a bit pissy too if that were to happen?
Yeah, thought so.
Anyways, the little filly, Sweetie Belle or so she told me, had never in her life been given a piggie back ride. To say that I was taken aback by this news would be understating my feelings by an immense magnitude. Only now do I actually think about the whole quadrupedal pony thing, but thinking that Equestria's residents were jerks just made me feel a little bit better about myself.
The subject had came up when I offered, so of course I had to give the poor girl one, I mean come on who wouldn't?
It was... A bit of a mistake and a bit awkward walking through town to boot, but hey, she was having a blast.
"Sthan! It's right ahead, the Carousel one."
I grumbled at the misuse of my name, but it wasn't like I could correct her with the chipped tooth and all. I was banking on little miss star-butt, i.e Twilight Sparkle, to have a little hocus pocus to fix it for me.
We got to the front door, but I was stopped from knocking with a sudden pulling of my hair. I wish I could say I took it in stride, but honestly I yelped rather loudly and tried to look accusingly up at the little filly on my shoulders.
"No, I wanna do it."
'I'd like to see you try.'
I stood there awkwardly as the filly started to try and reach over my head towards the door. Of course, she failed, and of course I was feeling a bit smug about it.
She lowered her muzzle to my ear.
"Could you help me out a little bit?" She whispered. "Please."
I rolled my eyes, to little effect since she didn't see it.
"Well, becauthe you thaid pleathe."
I leaned forward a little bit, allowing the filly to reach the door.
"Rarity!" She knocked on the door. "Rarity! I'm here, and I brought a friend!"
There was soon some chatter followed by trotting coming from somewhere inside the home. Soon the door opened with Rarity standing there smiling.
“Sweetie Belle! How was the vacation with mother and fa-” Her mouth dropped upon seeing me. “Stan!?! My, you look absolutely horrendous.”
“Why thankth-”
“And you chipped a tooth? What did you do, dance with Pinkie Pie? Come in, I have just the thing.”
I ducked my head to keep Sweetie Belle from hitting the door-frame and walked inside. She was being awfully quiet; I was a bit confused about it until her head popped up -or rather down- in front of mine as she leaned over me and craned her neck to look at my face. Her smile was comically large at this point.
“You’re Stan?!? Oh my gosh! You and my sister will date and get married and have seven foals and-”
“WE ARE NOTH DATHING!”
She frowned a bit and brought her head back up away from mine.
“Not yet...”
I had no idea what she meant by that, but I didn’t like the sound of it at all.
“Stan dear! Come in here please.”
“Stan’s here!?!”
I filed into the kitchen to find Rarity standing next to a table with a half-empty vial floating in her aura nearby.
“Stan, drink this.” She floated it in front of my face. “And do please let Sweetie Belle down.”
I reached over my head and pulled the grappling unicorn off my neck, setting her on the floor while she whined “Aww” all the while.
The vial levitated in front of me, but I just looked at it suspiciously.
“Well?”
“Thorry for being a bit uneathy, but I was drugged rethently and-” The vial whacked against my head. “Fine...”
I reached out and grabbed the vial, her aura dissipating as I pulled off the cork.
‘Whelp, if this knocks me out I might be arrested for murder tomorrow.’
With that thought, I chugged all two ounces of the fluid. It tasted a bit...odd; salty and not entirely unpleasant, but far from being something ‘fruity’ as I would've expected.
"The hell!"
I dropped the vial as my mouth started tingling strangely. I felt my chipped tooth expand, slightly painfully, to fill in the chipped gap. I reached a shaking hand up and felt my newly grown incisor.
"Why it's just a little potion I had Zecora whip up for me last time Sweetie Belle-" She glared accusingly at the little filly, who shrunk under her gaze. "-decided that her 'special talent' must be base jumping."
"Hey!" Sweetie Belle shouted indignantly. "I had a cutie mark for a whole week afterwards!"
"That was a bruise darling, you landed on a rock."
"How was I supposed to know that rocks were 'in this season for exterior decorating'?"
'That... Was actually a pretty good imitation of Rarity.'
"Excuse me." The two ponies looked back at me. "This bickering is interesting and all, but I still have a black eye and I'm supposed to be going on a date this evening."
"Oh, of course!"
She quickly came back with a dripping wet tea bag floating next to her.
"I know that this is no remedy, but it will at least get the swelling down." She floated a piece of ribbon towards her and deposited the tea bag onto it. "For the bruising I'm afraid that I'm going to have to resort to some mineral foundation."
The ribbon wrapped around my head, blinding my black eye and making me wince.
"And by mineral foundation you mean makeup."
Rarity blushed.
"Why umm... Yes, I was hoping you wouldn't know that."
I waved a hand dismissively.
"Not like I have much choice now do I. Don't want to look like a racoon after all."
“Sweetie Belle? Could you fetch my makeup kit please?”
Sweetie Belle didn’t even offer a reply before sprinting out of the room and running up the stairs. As soon as she was gone, I glared at the white mare still in the room with me.
“What are you playing at huh? Yesterday you pulled a Flutters and tried to...you know what with me, and now you’re helping me and her get ready for a date?”
She stuck up her snout and walked past me out of the kitchen; I followed after.
“I’m afraid that I don’t recall any of that.” She stopped suddenly. "I faintly remember somepony touching my horn..." She shivered as a faint smile came onto her face accompanied by a light blush. "Before and after that is a bit fuzzy."
"I don't believe any of that bullsh-"
"Rarity! I found it!"
"-oveling ice cream."
The filly dropped the box at Rarity's hooves and looked up at her.
"Fluttershy is upstairs in your room waiting for you."
Rarity levitated the box up and onto the coffee table in front of the couch.
"Yes yes, I better deal with her first; it’s impolite to keep a lady waiting." She turned towards me. "Stan, just leave that ribbon on for a moment while I deal with Fluttershy."
She gestured towards a couch.
"It shouldn't be more than ten minutes, and I actually have something for you as well. Sweetie Belle, would you please keep Stan company?"
"Okay!"
'Kill me now...'
Rarity froze midway up the steps.
“Oh, and Stan?”
I looked up at her as she turned her neck to look at me out of the corner of her eye. She had a mischievous smile on her face.
“I don’t know what you were doing before you got here, but it’s probably best that you remove that collar. Don’t want to give Fluttershy the wrong idea, now do you?”
"-and then, Fluttershy came along and used her stare on the cockatrice-"
'Tee hee!'
Immaturity; it makes the world go round.
"-and it turned Elizabeak and Twilight back from being stone!"
'I pity the poor creature. No one should have to see those... eyes.'
"That's quite the story Sweetie Belle. You must-"
"Stan darling! Could you please come upstairs?"
"Err, excuse me Sweetie."
I got up from the couch, much to Sweetie Belle's 'Aww’ing displeasure.
"Aww...But you never told me the story of how you got here."
"Maybe next time."
She kept on pouting, but didn't say anything else as I made my way up the steps and into Rarity's room. Well, at least I tried to make my way into her room.
The door slammed right in my face as I was stepping through.
"One moment! You can't see her just yet!"
I held my aching head.
"Then why in the hell would you call me up here?!?"
"Stan? Do you know the meaning of 'one moment'?"
"Well yeah but-"
"Then one moment please!"
'Well that was rude.'
I waited outside the room as some scuffling and whispering came from the door. After what I would say was two moments, the door was opened by a smiling Rarity as she gestured for me to come in. I obliged and looked around the room.
"Where's Fluttershy?"
"Why Stan, we can't spoil the surprise just yet; I still need to give you your clothing for this evening." She looked expectantly at me.
"What?"
She scoffed as her horn began to glow. The ribbon around my head shifted and soon covered both of my eyes.
"Is this really necessary?"
"Why of course dear, I want to gauge your reaction."
I waited for just a moment while the telltale sound of moving fabric met my ears. It wasn't long before the ribbon was completely removed from my head and the blinding sunlight met my eyes, stinging them a bit.
"I'm not usually one for theatrics-" That was absolute BS by the the way. "-but this is where somepony would say..." Something levitated in front of my face. "Ta-da~!"
A blue shirt floated in front of me coated by Rarity's aura, the style was familiar; it looked scarily similar to something from Earth called-
"Spandex? You made me a spandex shirt for a fancy dinner?"
She blushed in embarrassment.
"I prefer to call it Standex. I don't know if you remember this, but I promised that I would craft you an ensemble that would accentuate your physique."
'Well, victory achieved.'
"For a fancy dinner."
She pouted at me in response.
"Your mannequin's top half went missing earlier this week, there wasn't much else I could craft without its dimensions."
"Yeah yeah, whatever. I guess you ponies usually go out in the buff anyways; that's worse than this."
"I'm not sure what that means, but we still have one important thing to do before the big unveiling!”
She levitated the shirt over to me and slung it over my shoulder.
“Fluttershy, we’ll be back in a moment. Come on Stan.” She walked to the door and gestured me over to her with her hoof. “We don’t want her seeing that black eye. You know how she can get.”
The image of a burning barn appeared in my head; I smirked a bit at the thought, but knew that it wasn’t for the best.
“Yeah, you’re probably right...”
Rarity looked at me strangely before trotting out of the room and down the steps, at this point I’m sure that you can assume that I followed after, so I won’t bother saying it.
That made no sense whatsoever.
Well idiocy aside, we made our way downstairs to find Sweetie Belle smiling sweetly on the couch. She opened her mouth, but was shushed by Rarity.
“Now Sweetie, I’m going to need to focus here. Putting on a mineral foundation-”
“You can just call it makeup ya’ know, I’m perfectly aware of what it is.”
She rolled her eyes.
“-Putting on makeup is a very serious task that shouldn’t be taken lightly. One wrong move and I may have to start all the way over.”
‘Not one for theatrics my-’
“Okay! But can I watch?”
“Only if you stay perfectly quiet.”
Sweetie Belle made a zipping motion with her hoof across her mouth and sat down on her haunches next to the couch.
“Stan, will you please put your shirt down, we don’t want it to get dirty.” The box opened in front of me as I sat down on the couch, setting my shirt next to me; a brush and a tan makeup container flew out of it and in front of my face as she set about fixing my eye.
“I see that the swelling has gone down significantly.”
I would’ve responded to that, but a thought was stuck in my head that I couldn’t get rid of.
“Why exactly do you have a skin-tone shade of makeup?”
She stared intently at my eye with a determined look on her face as she worked. She stopped for a moment to respond.
“Every once and a while a pony comes in wanting to spruce up their features along with their new clothing; I must be prepared for everything, though I pity the poor pony that has to live with such a hideous shade of-” She noticed my unamused expression. “OH! But it looks simply ravishing on you darling.”
“Just finish so I can get the hell out of here.”
She kept on dabbing the brush around my eye, occasionally floating a different shade of makeup out of the box and next to the brush. She clearly disliked the tension permeating the room as she attempted to bring about a conversation.
“You used a phrase earlier upstairs; what does it mean exactly?”
“What? In the buff?”
“Yes, that’s the one.”
“It means to go out naked.”
“And what exactly does naked mean?”
‘...You’re joking...’
I guess it made sense; they’re nude nearly one hundred percent of the time after all.
“Well, right now you’re naked.”
Her eyes widened as she jumped back in surprise.
“I am!?! Oh my Celestia, how do I stop?”
You know, I really really wanted my face to become better acquainted with my palm; they were long lost friends after all, but with the makeup and all... I just reserved myself to running a hand through my hair with a sigh.
Of course, that was when Sweetie Belle decided to finally pipe up.
"Am I naked too?"
"Yes, but-"
She suddenly shrieked at the top of her lungs and started running in circles, prompting me to cover my ears.
"Get it off me! Get it off me!"
"Sweetie Belle." She kept on screaming as Rarity and I ground our teeth. "Sweetie Belle!" Still ignored. "SWEETIE BELLE!"
I stood up abruptly and picked the filly up. She continued to run and scream, but her legs were dangling in the air so she didn't actually go anywhere.
"IT MEANS YOU AREN'T WEARING CLOTHES, THAT'S IT!" I set her back on the floor. "Now please just sit still and be quiet while I get my eye fixed!"
She had stopped screaming at this point and looked up at me with a sheepish smile.
"Hehe... Sorry..."
Rarity tapped my leg and levitated a small mirror in front of my face.
"I actually finished right before Sweetie had her little 'episode.' What do you think."
I looked lazily into the mirror.
"I look the same."
Rarity's lip trembled.
"Which means you did perfect!"
Rarity looked at me with a raised eyebrow and an unamused expression.
"Umm... Rarity? I heard some screaming, is everything alright?"
All our gazes shifted to the staircase where Fluttershy stood in all her glor-
‘HOT DAMN!’
Okay, please forgive me. I don’t know how in the hell it happened without breasts or a non-hair-covered butt, but Jesus Christ did that pony look good.
For the record, the whole ‘furry’ movement back home scared the crap outta me, but the strange bout of xenophility that hit right about then... It confused me to say the least. Luckily, without anyone there to judge me, I could temporarily shrug it off. Plus, I still technically wasn’t ‘dating’ a horse, I was just going on a date with a horse. If or when the whole dating thing happens, then you have permission to murder me in my sleep.
I’m sure you want a description, and I’ll give ya one, but realize that you just had to be there.
Fluttershy was wearing a- well, a cloak of sorts that wrapped around her neck and draped back onto the rest of her body, albeit with holes for her wings of course. My assumption is that it’s the pony’s version of a dress. It was shade of cyan similar to her eye color that darkened as it went up from the end; a curved, cloud-like stitch running horizontally across it serving as an indicator of the changing shade. The lighter end had white sparkles; almost star-like in appearance, sewn into the fabric. It was laced around the edges with decorative leaves of varying shades of green that all met at the neck, where a butterfly clasp kept it around her form. Her hair was made up into a seemingly shortened, curly style that removed her bangs and thus her ability to hide behind them; something I’m sure she’d love to do right now consider I was mentally undressing her with my eyes. To my disappointment, with the clothes off she looked just like Fluttershy, which really shouldn’t come as any surprise honestly. I want an explanation as to why and how a pony looks better clothed versus being naked; I mean they gallivant around in their birthday suits all day, but seriously how does this make any sense at all?
“I’ll take it that you like the dress?”
I only let out a grunt in reply.
Fluttershy fluttered- *ahem* Fluttershy moved her wings excitedly and flew down the steps, landing in front of me to give me a hopeful expression.
"Do you really like it?"
"Uh... Yeah?"
"Oh I'm so happy, I could just-" She shook in place, almost looking like she'd explode before letting out a near silent "yay!"
She trotted to my side and rubbed up against me slightly.
“We should get going. I mean, if you want to that is...”
“Yes, you two should be on your way. I made that reservation at Hoofingdale’s for Six o’clock and it’s already Five Thirty.”
“Buh- deh- uhhh...shirt!”
I left Fluttershy’s side and stumbled over to the couch to grab my-... The stuff was literally blue Under Armour, so that’s what I’m going to call it. Anyways, I grabbed my Under Armour and began to struggle to get it on; if you’ve ever worn the stuff you’d know what I’m talking about. After a few moments of struggle and feeling all eyes on me, I walked back over to Fluttershy and... Yeah, that’s it. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do! On earth you could grab a girl’s hand or something, maybe even place a reassuring hand over her shoulder; the three foot tall quadruped in front of me on the other hand... I had nothing.
As if sensing this turmoil, she looked up at me with a smile and reached her foreleg out to grab my hand with her hoof. She pulled away after making contact, but I reached back to grab her hoof myself; there was no way I was leaving this place without a security blanket.
She blushed slightly and turned back to Rarity.
“Thank you for the dress Rarity, I’ll be sure to drop by again to pay-”
“Please darling, I couldn’t accept any payment from you. Just please tell all of your onlookers who made that fabulous ensemble -”
“Rarity did!”
She looked at me with a quirked eyebrow.
“Yes...Stan...You on the other hand, for your shirt that is, may have to offer me something-”
That brought me back to Equestria.
“Oh hey! Would you look at the time; let’s get going Flutters!”
I started to literally drag the pegasus out of the door.
“Bye Rarity! Bye Sweetie Belle!”
“Umm, bye you two...”
“Bye Stan! Bye Fluttershy!”
Rarity didn’t respond, but slowly made her way following us to the door. By the time Fluttershy and I made our way down the path, I felt her gaze on us.
‘I swear, if that pervert is checking me out again I’ll-’
I looked over my shoulder. Not to my surprise, she was indeed staring and biting her lip to hide a smile. However; to my surprise, she wasn’t looking at me- she was looking at my yellow companion trotting happily next to me. More specifically at her... Flank.
I was confused, I was creeped out and I was ever so slightly envious for some odd reason. I dashed the thought away, thank god, and attempted some small talk.
“So -uh Flutters?”
She looked up at me while we walked along to the restaurant.
“Yes Stan?”
“Is Rarity gay?”
You'd be surprised by just how little Fluttershy knows. I'm not saying that she's stupid; far from it in fact, I find her to be quite intuitive when she allows herself to be. I am however saying that her apparent shyness really keeps her from seeing the big picture.
Needless to say, she didn't know Rarity's sexual orientation.
That fact frightened me a little bit; she had clearly shown her interest in me after the big break up- *ahem* big fight between me and little Flutters, and that’s not mentioning the whole...’Yelling my name’ thing that Sweetie Belle overheard, but I know for a freaking fact that she was checking out Fluttershy's goods when we left. It was a confrontation for the future, but an inevitable one I'm sure.
But enough about that, I'm sure your curious about this expectantly awkward date I was having.
"So umm... What do you do for a living Stan?"
'This is going to be a long dinner...'
Hoofington's was a nice medium sized restaurant located on the outskirts of Ponyville; being the only fancy restaurant within any achievable range by walking in Ponyville, naturally it's quite popular. As of yet, I had no idea if this popularity was well founded food-wise, but I had high hopes. We were sitting at a small table for two in the near center of the restaurant surrounded by the other bustling dates going about their business eating and whatnot. Just a quick correction: she was sitting, I on the other hand being a larger-than-pony human didn't have such a luxury. They gave me a stool that worked ever so slightly better, but I was still almost squatting more than sitting.
"I'm fairly sure I've mentioned this before. I don't exactly do anything right now as I'm sure you know."
She blushed and looked away from me.
"-But I used to work for the IRS as a general tax consultant, I'm like a human version of Turbo Tax."
Unsurprisingly she was quite confused.
"Umm... What's the IRS and what's Turbo Tax."
"Let's just say that I do math dealing with money and forget about explaining all that nonsense."
"O-okay, if that's what you want..."
"Fluttershy." I said frustratedly "I'm supposed to be a gentleman here, if you really want an explanation here I can offer it."
She pouted at me.
"But I'm supposed to be a gentlemare and do whatever you want me to do for you to feel comfortable, I read about it in a book."
'A book... Something tells me that-'
"This is your first date isn't it?"
She blushed and looked away again. I let out a sigh and reached a hand under her chin to make her look at me.
"Look. You don't need to be a gentlemare, you're already a gentle mare, that's enough for me. And pray tell, was this book written by a mare or a-"
"Stallion."
"There's your first problem, I don't know how you ponies do dating, but I'm sure as hell not following your rules-"
"Excuse me miss and err- thing, may I interest you two in an appetizer this evening?"
He was a white stallion with a black mane, quite boring to look at I must say; he wore a red vest of sorts and had his mane slicked back into an almost Elvis-like fashion. His cutie mark, formerly known to me as a buttoo before Fluttershy explained to me their significance, was a platter. I could only imagine how much that would suck.
"No thank you, I-I'll just have a salad."
I gave the stallion next to our table a scrutinizing look.
"FYI: Man, not thing. As for the appetizer, I'll agree with Fluttershy on this one and pass. As for my order, please tell me you have spaghetti or things might get a little ugly in here."
I wasn't exactly being menacing, but the stallion sure took it that way as he backpedaled a bit.
"Yes yes we do, I'll get that right for you, goodbye!"
"Stan. That wasn't very nice."
I rolled my eyes at the mare.
"I was kidding, it's not my fault that the guy can't take a joke." I furrowed my brow. "And he didn't even ask us what we want for drinks, what's up with that?"
She rolled her eyes and gestured towards her water glass.
'First she's shy then she's judgemental... Heh. Shy, judgmental, gone.' I looked at the pegasus as if expecting her to disappear. 'No such luck.'
"But that's water, what if I want win-" She raised an eyebrow at me. "Okay, good point, but what if you wanted wine?"
"Well I don't."
"It's the thought that counts and that guy didn't think about it. Hope he's not expecting a tip."
Fluttershy cleared her throat to grab my attention, she was holding a small bag procured seemingly from nowhere. She jangled it around to bring my attention to the coins inside.
'Oh... Yeah.'
As I'm sure you probably are aware, I have no money in this place. Luckily for me, Fluttershy was pretty much loaded; not like Bill Gates loaded but like 'living in Beverly Hills' loaded. It has less to do with her actual income and more to do with her lack of spending it and being extremely money conscientious. Oh and a trust fund, but she doesn't touch that or share any information regarding it, or her parents for that matter. No idea why.
“You would pull the ‘Stan is a freeloader’ card.”
Her pupils shrunk and she shot her forehooves out to swing them back and forth in a ‘no no no’ manner.
“Oh! I’m so sorry, that’s not what I meant at all!”
Her hoof suddenly whacked against her cup making her ice cold water spill, fortunately for the girl, away from her and her nice dress. Unluckily for me, the universe decided that it just flowing off the table and not hitting anyone simply wasn’t possible. So it’s only natural that the water was sent directly in my direction, more specifically on the crotch of my pants.
I stood up abruptly in surprise.
“JESUS CHRIST! COLD! COLD! COLD!”
Listening to my stupid human instincts, I began wiping my hands against my pants to try and get the water out, naturally that didn’t do anything at all.
“OH NO!”
Fluttershy grabbed the cloth napkin from her side of the table in her mouth and stood up to run over to me. I quickly found her face buried in my crotch as she attempted to soak up the water. I jumped backwards and put a hand against her head to keep her from advancing towards me; she sure as hell resisted.
I took a deep and shaky breath.
“I-It’s fine Fluttershy.”
“Buth it's my faulth, I can helpf!”
“Sit back down!” I said with gritted teeth. “We’re making a scene.”
The restaurant around us had gone silent to watch our little show; there were more than a few disgusted looks being thrown at the poor little pegasus in front of me.
Fluttershy released the napkin and blushed profusely, attempting her age-old trick of hiding behind her mane to little effect. She ended up lowering her head and walking slowly back to her seat, cowering under the gazes of the strangers watching her go.
I dabbed my pants a little bit, but it wasn't really working out that well. Eventually I just sat down across from Fluttershy chuckling awkwardly.
"Well that was interesting."
Fluttershy lifted her head up from the table to look at me, tears threatening to flow from her eyes.
'Crap.'
"I-I can't *sniff* do anything right..."
I reached a hand across the table and put a hand on her- well, I guess it's still a shoulder. Anyways, I'm no Dr. Phil but I still tried my best at comforting the poor girl; I could only guess that this date wasn't exactly going the way she had planned it, and it only just started.
"Fluttershy... Please don't worry about it, I'm fine aren't I?" She looked up at me smiling at her. "Please don't cry, I-"
'I'm going to regret saying this.'
"-hate to see pretty girls cry."
That statement wasn't entirely blasphemous but don't expect to get it in writing. Wait... What?
Her expression brightened and her eyes sparkled with wonder at my words. I'm not being sappy or overly-descriptive here; her eyes were legitly sparkling, though it was probably because of the tears. It was then that I realized that this was the first time I had called the mare pretty.
'So much for not getting her hopes up.'
"Y-you think I'm pretty?"
'Think Stan think!'
"No! I mean yes! I mean, for a pony I think you're kinda-"
'This is not helping me.'
Apparently my semi-confirmation was enough for the pegasus as she beamed at me, her wings ruffling excitedly behind her back. I can't help but wonder what sort of connection those things have with her emotions.
"Oh that's so wonderful!" She had absentmindedly started to levitate slightly over the table. "I mean umm..." She landed back in her seat. "That's nice- of you that is."
"Yeah yeah, don't get too inflated."
She tried to force her smile down a bit but it didn't exactly work that well, she still looked like a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck.
"Excuse me madame and... Man, but your dishes are ready."
He looked questioningly at us; Fluttershy lowered her head and I gave him a 'please don't ask' look. Redignifying himself, he grabbed the still tipped over cup off the table.
"Please, do enjoy the meal. I'll get another cup for you my dear."
Fluttershy didn't respond to the expectant waiter, still embarrassed by the whole ordeal. I jumped in.
"Yes, thank you."
He walked away as I reached towards the salad on the platter and placed it in front of Fluttershy, soon grabbing my own spaghetti dish as well but not without noticing some slobber on the edge of the platter.
'Okay eww. This waiter isn't getting a tip even if it kills me.'
"Stan? Anything wrong?"
I noticed that my face was scrunched up in disgust, but I didn't do anything to stop myself.
"Just poor service, nothing more."
She looked at me with pursed lips and a judgmental look but didn't say anything.
'Okay, food’s here, moods are up, time to drop the bombshell question.'
"Fluttershy? I have an important question to ask if you don't mind."
She placed a bite of lettuce in her mouth before looking up at me expectantly.
"What can you tell me about Stanley?"
Her eyes widened as she swallowed her bite, obviously down the wrong pipe if the sudden choking cough was anything to go by. Believe it or not, Fluttershy can even make a cough sound dainty; I wish the same could be said about what causing the cough. The leaf suddenly flew out of her mouth and came sailing at my face but with how the evening had been going thus far, I was ready for everything and tilted my head to dodge it like a boss.
“Madame, are you alrigh-”
A *splat* noise was heard behind me as a look of horror crossed Fluttershy’s face. I looked over my shoulder and saw the jerk of a waiter staring cross-eyed at a chunk of green stuck to his forehead.
“PHHHT! HA!”
‘How’s that for a tip you douchebag!’
I just couldn’t help it! I disliked the guy from the moment he called me ‘thing’.
He blushed profusely and reached a hanky that he pulled from his pocket towards the intruding chunk of lettuce and wiped it off. He lifted his head high and trotted towards the restroom, only stopping to drop the hanky in the garbage.
Grinning like a madman, I brought my gaze back to Fluttershy who was again hiding her face from the restaurant by putting it against the table.
My grin lessened slightly, as I rolled my eyes.
"Fluttershy, that was awesome!" She moved slightly but didn't lift her head up. "How could you not think that was amazing?"
I held a fist out.
"Come on, put it here."
She lifted her head up and looked at my fist.
"B-but I embarrassed myself and that poor waiter, how can you be happy about this?"
"Because that stallion was a jerk that had it coming."
She looked confused at me as I shook my fist back and forth.
"Fine, if you don't want-"
I started to pull my fist away but it was suddenly hit by a hard object. Fluttershy sat there smiling weakly with her hoof against my hand. I resisted the urge to shake it out; quite honestly, hoof bumping was scarily similar to punching a rock, but that's to be expected.
"Good, I'm glad you finally agree with me."
"Umm... I don't, but it would've been rude to refuse."
"Fair enough. But back to my question..."
She looked away from me, clearly knowing exactly what I was referring to.
“About Stanley, wha-”
“How do you know who Stanley is?”
“A dream. That doesn’t matter though, what can you tell me about me- him, whatever.”
"W-well, I guess the first time that I met..." She paused. "Do we have to do this?"
"No, but I'd really like to hear it."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
"Oh good I was worried that-"
"Fluttershy..."
She pouted at me but still continued.
"I-I don’t know where Stanley came from but...I guess I met him that night after your ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party.”
She stopped for a moment as if afraid to go on.
“Please continue, I won’t interrupt.”
I grabbed the fork from my side of the table and took a bite of spaghetti. Resting my elbows on the table, I gave the pegasus my undivided attention.
“O-Okay...Well, you fell unconscious after a sip of cider and-”
“Already knew that.” She looked at me with a sad expression. “Oh right, no interrupting. Carry on.”
“Anyways, I-I tried to carry y-you home but you were really heavy and-”
‘Ouch, that was a hidden insult.’
“I accidentally dropped you...When you hit the ground y-you woke up and had this...accent and were really...Nice.” She took a deep breath. “I-I thought it was just the cider o-or you were finally warming up to Ponyville but you were so...Romantic.”
Her eyes glazed over as she looked at me dreamily. I snapped my finger in front of her face, bringing her back to Equestria. She shook her head as her pupils shrunk.
“Oh! Sorry!”
I rolled my eyes and made a twirling gesture with my hand for her to continue.
“Y-You treated me so nicely and were” She gulped. “being so affectionate.”
I didn’t want to know what she meant by that.
“And that night...”
I took the time to take a bite of spaghetti before literally snapping her out of it again.
“O-Oh! Umm...Anyways, the next morning I was so confused and a little...Angry that you didn’t remember anything, I finally thought I was making progress and that you loved me back and it turned out to be nothing!”
I held up my hands defensively while I leaned away from her.
“Hey! Hey! I’m sorry, I had no idea.”
The restaurant around us had gone silent again, but she didn’t seem to notice as she sighed and sat back down in her seat.
“I thought you loved me...But it was all a lie...I was so confused with how you acted until you woke me up one night and got into bed with me. It was when you started sleeping in the guest room. You had that weird voice again and I was scared, you hadn’t acted that way before. When you tried to hug me, I resisted.” She took a shaky breath. “Y-You or h-he said ‘What’s wrong my dear, it’s me Stanley.’ I asked if you were Stan and he said no...I panicked and umm...Bucked you in the head.”
‘Hmm...Wait what!?!’
“Bucked me in the head!?! So that time that I woke up with a headache and gauze wrapped skull it was because of you!?! You told me a bird dropped a rock on my head!”
Honestly, a bird holding a rock large enough to knock me out was highly unlikely, but at that point I was still following my golden rule: Don’t question pony-land.
She flinched.
“I know! I’m so sorry...”
I put a hand propped up by my elbow on the table to my face.
“It’s fine it’s fine, please go on.”
She looked hesitant to continue but ultimately relented.
“I-It turns out that whenever you’re really umm...Tired or out of it, Stanley comes out. H-He’s come out a few times while you’ve been here, mostly when you’re really worn out and falling asleep or when I uh-”
“Drugged me.”
She blushed.
“Yes...I was so sick of you ignoring me and I just couldn’t stand it anymore! I needed a chance to be with you and I-I thought that maybe, just maybe if you thought we umm...Did it again, you’d like me back...”
‘Wow...She’s really pouring her heart out.’
“Please don’t hate me...”
I put a hand to my chin as if in deep thought as she looked horrified at me.
“Well...You did drug me...” Her eyes were starting to water so she looked away from me. “But!” She brought her gaze back up. “I don’t hate you. Honestly, how could I? You’re the nicest, oddest and most perverted pony I’ve met!”
She smiled as her tears changed from being sad to being extremely happy.
“T-that’s the nicest thing anypony’s ever said to me...”
‘...Girl, you need some nicer friends then.’
“So how about we just forget all this nonsense and enjoy dinner hmm?”
“O-Okay... I mean umm-” She cleared her throat. “Yes, I’d like that a lot.”
“Ha! You didn’t really do that did you?”
“Umm...I did but I kinda feel sorry for the poor dragon. He was the biggest scariest thing I’ve ever seen, but I still feel bad making him cry.”
It was around eight o’clock, dinner was over, I strangely had a good time and we were only about one hundred feet away from Fluttershy’s cottage.
“Only you could make a creature one hundred times your size cry.”
“But you did.”
I raised my eyebrow at her as we walked along.
“When you were small remember? You yelled at me...”
“Oh! Uhh...Yeah, sorry about that Fluttershy.”
We had just arrived by the front door, I reached for the knob but was cut off by Fluttershy walking in front of me blocking it.
“So Stan.”
“Yes Fluttershy?”
“Would you like to come upstairs with me?”
“Well, considering that I sleep upstairs too, yes.”
She pouted at me and hit a hoof against the ground indignantly.
“That’s not what I meant!”
I ran a hand down my face.
“Yeah, I know what you meant; this is better-”
She had put a hoof against my hand and was staring at my face with a furrowed brow.
‘What is she- Oh...No...’
I looked down at my now makeup coated palm.
“Stan, what happened to your eye?”
I chuckled nervously.
“Oh you know, an apple hit me.”
For the record, that wasn’t entirely a lie.
“Did Applejack do this?”
“Now Fluttershy-”
“Did she!”
I sighed in defeat.
“Yes, but please please let me handle it. It was provoked anyhow.”
“And just how was it provoked?”
“...”
‘Well crap.’
Meanwhile...
“Hands...Stan...Hands...Stan...Hands YES!”
In a dark home on the other side of town, a teal unicorn was lying on the floor rocking back and forth, occasionally muttering random phrases. For some otherworldly reason, these phrases tended to involve hands in some way.
Suddenly she stopped rocking and stood up abruptly.
“Dyra! We can’t just sit in our house muttering phrases like a crazypony! We have to do something!”
The unicorn’s eyes rolled back into her head as she collapsed on the floor with a smile on her face, she quickly started rolling back and forth on the floor again.
“But hands...Imagine hands and make happy...YES!”
Her smile disappeared and her eyes returned to facing out of her sockets as she twitched there.
“B-but D-Dyra-”
Her pupils suddenly shrank as the smile returned.
“NO! Not do! Not yet! Nothing, do nothing...YES!”
The unicorn clumsily stood up, not dissimilar to a marionette being lifted, and walked/tripped over to a candle-lit corner of the room. There sat a shrine of sorts, surrounded by sticks, leaves and red candles dripping wax onto the wooden floor. In the center sat a figure; or half a figure really, it was cut roughly at the waist with tape both holding it in place on its stand (*cough* cardboard box *cough*) and keeping its right hand connected to its arm. It had a crudely drawn on face and a brown mare’s wig.
The unicorn’s eye twitched and her smile faltered at seeing the wig, but it was all she could find. Her grin returned full force as her horn began to glow and the tape was removed from the hand, making it drop to the floor. It was soon coated in a golden aura as it floated in front of her muzzle
She looked gleefully with crossed-eyes at the hand as she walked away from the shrine and towards the steps. She tripped a bit on the first step, knocking her head against the staircase and making her cheek bleed a little bit, but she remained unphased as she continued to smile and stare at the hand, now with a small trail of blood coming from the corner of her mouth.
She finally made her way clumsily up the steps and finally brought her gaze away from the hand and towards a brown door in front of her. She looked back to the hand as the door was covered in a golden glow, opening up as she walked in.
“Tonight...Hand...Me...Good time...YES!”
The door slammed, a resounding thud pinging throughout the home.
Author's Note
Preread by Hollyhock
Real chapter name: A Dinner, a Date and Dyra.
Answers questions and raises them, but this is my story, I have the right to do what I want. To those who thinking 'Oh noes, he dun made Flutty and Stan-O daters! Dis fic es over!' My response to that is no. Sure he went ON a date, but the whole relationshippy things going on (not solely with Fluttershy) are far from over.
I'm sure you may have noticed a certain word I used in this chapter that I usually censor or avoid saying altogether. Frankly, it had much less effect censored or with a different choice of phrasing. I made a judgement call, but don't expect it to keep on occurring :P
I like reading comments *hint* *hint*.
Chapter Sixteen: Helping Han- Hoo- Whatever
Darkness and light. Strange how these sensations can be felt, seen, and in some cases, even heard. Stereotypically, darkness is icy and quiet; on the flip side, light is its near opposite. Light is given the aspects of warmth and, on occasion, soothing sounds.
I opened my eyes to the cold and silence of darkness, floating without a destination but the abyss stretching wide in my vision. But, as you can probably assume, this proved to be quite short lived. My body jolted as my vision exploded with light and gravity suddenly turned back on. I found myself to be falling to the ground in the sunlit kitchen I'd grown so accustomed to. The sudden change was a weird sensation really; at first there was nothing, and then there was everything.
And everything was freaking enormous.
That's right folks, I was once again a teeny tiny little man; albeit with a couple of additions and subtractions that I wasn't exactly 'prepared' to find given I screamed like a little girl when I did so.
As I stood there and scanned about the room, I saw a pink, snake-like appendage moving to and fro just in the corner of my vision. Imagine my surprise when I turned to look at this strange new object only to find that it moved with me to evade my vision.
I'll omit the freak out scene for your sake as it took an embarrassingly long time for me to finally put two and two together that this 'object' was actually a part of me.
And yes, that does mean that I spun around chasing the thing more times than I'd care to admit.
Anyways, I'll just jump right into the much more important, yet still completely pointless, babbling that occurred when I stopped screaming and grabbed the appendage.
"What the- Why the-... A tail!?!" I stared at the pink mouse tail as I absentmindedly put a hand to my head, only to find a dinner-plate-sized- "And Dumbo ears!?! What the garbage is going on here?!?"
I may have been a bit off with the Dumbo association, but at the time it didn't really matter that much.
Not sure why I was a mouse-man hybrid standing in the middle of the floor in Fluttershy's kitchen, but at least it was something new.
Kinda.
Sorta.
Whatever.
While I was checking out these new additions of mine, there was a soft clopping behind me that I failed to really pay a lot of attention to; at the time I chalked it up as background noise.
"Well well well. Would you look at what I have here. A worthless little pest loitering in the middle of my floor."
I froze at the voice and released my tail, ever so slowly turning to face the source.
Fluttershy stood there with a grin near dripping with venomous malice. Let me just say this: it sure as hell didn't fit the mare.
"Fluttershy?"
Her grin grew all the wider.
"In the flesh." She said huskily. "And speaking of flesh"
Her smile grew devilish as her teeth began to extend and sharpen into very un-pony-like fangs. She began to close in, still locking eyes with me as her irises elongated to be cat-like in nature. Her tail, which was moving playfully behind her, began to get much more freedom of movement as it thinned out to be not dissimilar to that of a panther’s.
"yours sounds pretty good right now."
‘Cat-pony hybrid... I KNEW IT!’
Quote me on that; I did in fact freaking know it.
I had my back against a cupboard beneath the counter as she trotted all the closer. I shut my eyes and looked away, preparing for whatever hell-influenced fate she had planned for me. It wasn’t long before the clopping stopped and I felt her hot, rancid breath on me. I cringed slightly and gritted my teeth.
“Run.”
I opened my eyes and stared at hers.
“Wh-wha?”
She lifted her head back up.
“I said,” she slammed a hoof down in front of me, “run!”
She didn’t have to tell me thrice; she had already done it twice after all.
I took off running between her legs, making a beeline for the living room. I may or may not have had a plan at the time, I was just getting the hell away from the evil mare.
I made it most of the way to the doorway before I heard trotting behind me. Taking a look back over my shoulder, I saw that she was walking, freaking walking, and still catching up to me. Needless to say, I felt pretty much cheated at that point.
"Come on Stan, give me a show."
'Well sorry that my legs are like TIC-TACS!'
Okay, two Tic-Tacs; but you get my point here, they were short.
I made some good progress as the crashing behind me grew louder and I approached the first hiding place I could think of.
The couch.
I took a quick look back and saw that she was almost upon me. I quickly dove under the couch, but... It wasn’t one of my best ideas honestly. I could have just crouched and made it a safe distance away from her. As it was, I soon found her hot breath blowing over my back as she stuck her muzzle under the couch to grab me. She probably would have too, had I not army crawled that extra foot away to safety.
I looked over my shoulder and saw the pony pursing her lips as she pulled her muzzle out from under the couch. The ground shook as she stomped her hoof against the floor in frustration.
"That isn't fair!"
I rolled my eyes and called back.
"Well too damn bad; when my freaking life is on the line, don't be surprised when I cheat."
Although I was far from being safe, for the time being I felt at least secure with my current situation. So you can imagine my unhappy surprise when a snap resounded throughout the cottage and the couch above me disappeared in a puff. I flopped over and looked fearfully at the pegasus now standing above me.
"When my entertainment is on the line, don't be surprised when I cheat too."
'...Well this is bull.'
I shot up and sprinted towards the next best thing, the coffee table, only to find it disappear right before me as another snap was heard.
"Ah, ah, ah. This is supposed to be a chase, not hide and seek."
"What kind of sick and twisted mare are you!?!"
Her smile grew all the wider.
"Your sick and twisted mare."
With that, she pounced over and pinned me under her hoof.
"*Sigh* You make this too easy Stanny Bear."
Her muzzle began to descend towards me as her mouth opened, revealing her glistening fangs.
‘Okay...She’s magic, she’s a hybrid, she’s hostile and she can snap...When did all this happen?’
Her rancid breath began to beat against my form.
‘WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING-...’
‘Oh.’
It all hit me right then.
This wasn’t real, there was no way in heck that this could be real. And if this wasn’t real, then it had to be a dream, it just had to be. Sure, that knowledge didn’t stop the pegasus from descending, nor did it deaden my emotions or feelings. But with the awareness of a dream comes lucidity. And with lucidity comes control.
I smiled slightly as I saw her descend. She closed her mouth at my expression and looked at me confusedly.
“What are you smiling about?”
“Nothing, nothing at all.”
My grin grew all the wider as I pulled my arm out from underneath the monstrosity’s hoof and let out a small snap of my own.
Everything poofed out of existence as I found myself to be, again, floating in the void with, surprise, Mr. Goathead.
“I gotta say, you almost had me there. You’re getting better at this.”
Discord smirked slightly, but still had a hint of frustration in his eyes.
“And here I was thinking that Cattershy was far-fetched; it really took you until the snapping?”
“It was a dream, give me a break.” A smile grew on my face. “Not like you can touch me out in the real world.”
He gave me a miffed look.
“And what, pray tell, gives you that idea?”
“You told me yourself; remember that fiasco with the Blue mare?”
“PoJo? My, I forgot about her...”
“Pojo...?”
He waved his lion paw dismissively.
“Poison Joke. Just an old flame; nothing more.”
I looked at the chimera-like creature.
‘An old flame? Someone wanted to date that?’
He looked unamusedly back at me.
“Now that was just rude. You remember where we are right?”
Right, dream, mind-reading; blah-blah-blah.
"Yeah yeah, dreaming. Speaking of which, assuming this is like every other meeting we’ve had, then I should be waking up pretty soon. So I guess I'll be seeing you in... What, 23 hours or so?"
He raised an eyebrow at me and frowned.
"What makes you so sure."
"You're predictable that's why.” The temperature in the void raised a few degrees. “You're like a ten year old girl with a new barbie; you won't let it leave your sight and you sure as hell won't let anyone else touch it."
Lesson of the day: Don't call a god of chaos predictable.
"Predictable." His red irises began to glow as a scowl overtook his features. "You think I'm predictable?"
I shrugged.
"Well yeah. The chocolate thing, the whole dream spiel-"
Cracks leaking a white light began to form along his body. Anger clouded his features as a red glow began to compete with the radiant white.
"Predictable!?!"
Heat began to permeate the dreamscape as the red intensified. I tried taking a step back from the deity, but remained rooted, floating in the expanse.
"How's this for predictable?!?"
He suddenly shot a talon out and grabbed my arm, the cracks beginning to streak down the clawed limb. I made a feeble attempt at pulling away, but only succeeded in causing a smirk to grow on his face as the cracks grew wider. The fissures showed no sign of stopping as they reached the ends of his claws. The cracks spread like the ice on a frozen lake across his talon onto my own arm. I tried to move, I tried to scream; but all I could do was watch as the cracking began to spread.
I brought my scared gaze away from my arm and looked into the eyes of the now beaming creature.
"Have a good day Stan.”
‘Ugh...Geezus, Discord give me a break already!’
I opened my eyes to see- “What the hell!” *ahem* as I was saying, I opened my eyes to see two strange things in front of me. The first one was pretty hard to miss, being a pastel yellow pony after all. Her eyes flew open as she released the hug-chokehold she had on me and shot into the air.
“Oh no! I’m so sorry Stan, I had a nightmare!”
And yes, although I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, I finally was sleeping in the guest room again. Not that it really helped things.
*ahem*
Anyways, the second strange thing-
“I have hooves!?!”
I sat up abruptly in the bed and stared down at my new gray appendages, now where my arms should be. I was still human, don’t get me wrong, I just had hooves for my hands and-
“My feet too!?!” I lifted up the blanket around me and stared at where my feet should be. “I swear on my life, Dis-”
Appearing out of nowhere above me a white blob, i.e. bird feces, dropped onto my cheek, cutting me off and making me fume with rage.
I reached a hoof into the wipe it off, but only succeeded in rubbing it further around my face.
“Umm, Stan?” I didn’t offer a reply, my mind still a raging inferno. “I’m sorry for slipping into bed with you...You see, I had this nightmare and-”
“Yes yes, perfectly innocent.” I waved a hoof dismissively, only to catch the clear lack of hand on my arm to bring up the subject again. “I have freaking hooves!?!”
“W-well yes? It’s not the weirdest thing that-”
“Weirdness is not the point! How in the hell did it happen!?! I have another whole week-” Aaaand, cue second bird dropping on my other cheek. “GAH!!!”
"Stan, are you alright?"
'Does she not notice the freaking poop!?!'
I made another poor attempt at rubbing off the- ugh, I hate saying poop... Feces, and again spread it across my face like makeup.
'God, I look like a freaking mime.'
"'Alright' is not the word I'd use..."
She opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by a rapping coming from the window. She gave me an apologetic look before getting off the bed and walking over to where the sound came from. I was pretty occupied with the whole 'wiping my face' thing, so I kind of ignored her.
Until I heard quite honestly the weirdest name in the world.
"Owlowiscious? What are you doing here?"
I stopped my feces facial treatment and turned my head towards the window. Fluttershy was standing there talking to an owl, which shouldn't be surprising honestly given her 'caretaker' status, but I'm an idiot and thus was somehow thrown off by the development.
"Owlicious?"
Fluttershy turned back towards me.
"Oh! Sorry Stan, this is Owlowiscious."
The bird jumped off the windowsill and onto Fluttershy's back.
"Ollowiscious?"
"No no no, Owlow iscious."
"Who in the hell would name their owl Allowicious?"
The bird dropped a small piece of parchment from his mouth onto the floor and let out a "Who?"
'Smart bird.'
"Stan, it's Owlow- *sigh* never mind..."
She picked up the scroll with her hoof and looked back up at me.
"Stan could you please-" I gazed unamusedly at her with crossed hooves. "Umm... Never mind..."
She dropped the scroll back on the ground and daintily went about unrolling it with her giant meat-hooves. I know that the expression is meat-hands, but I think this works in the context; they might as well have been meat-hands considering the trouble she was having.
After several moments of me wiping my face and cleaning my hooves against the bed sheets- that needed to be washed anyway, just for the record- she let out a gasp.
"Stan? Do you have any plans today?"
"You mean other than relearning to walk?"
"Umm... Yes?"
"Then no."
"Well... Twilight just finished that essay ‘Fruit Bats and Their Applications to Society’ and wanted to," she looked back down at the paper, "bring you in for questioning?"
I looked at the pegasus who was pursing her lips at the note.
'Okay, so I'm not the only one that thinks that sounds a little... Off.'
I should have hardly been surprised, Twilight has been wanting to get me alone with her for more than a small while, her lack of time was the only thing holding the mare back. I still feel a bit put off by the fact that freaking fruit bats take precedence over the ‘discovery’ of new species, in other words the discovery of me, but you can't win 'em all.
"So Twilight named the bird Owlowiscious? May I ask why, or better yet, why I haven't seen him before?"
"Well, she told me he's named after a famous pegascientist"
Not sure how in the hell she said that with a straight face.
"and she keeps him pretty busy arranging the books in her library."
'Super smart bird, but that's gotta be borderline animal abuse.'
"Sooo... Can I take a rain check?"
She looked at me with a furrowed brow.
"Why?"
"I can think of four good reasons..."
‘And they’re all appendages...’
She rolled her eyes at me.
"You'll be fine, she just wants to ask you some questions."
"It's not being fine I'm worried about, it's-"
I attempted to get up off the bed to stand in front of it, but only lasted a few moments before beginning a fast descent to meet the ground face first. Luckily, Owl-dude-guy flew off Fluttershy’s back as she jumped in and tried to save me.
‘Tried’...
Instead of the ground, I face planted into her and caused her to collapse to the ground with me; apparently I'm one heavy son of a gun.
"That..."
It really should've registered that I was breathing into her wing, but I didn't give it a second thought before trying to get back up. It took more than a small amount of effort on both my own and Fluttershy’s part, but I managed to get back up and sit on the bed.
“So you see my point.”
“Well...You should still go, it would be rude to just ignore her.”
"Explain to me just how in the hell I'll get there."
"W-well" She looked away from me with a blush. "remember when you w-were passed out and I-I carried you home? Y-you know that I'm s-strong enough, so... Y-you could ride me-"
"Not happening." I deadpanned. "I'll go, but I’d take the painful, hazardous walk over that thank you."
I stood up and managed to keep my balance, but not without some wobbling.
"But first things first" I looked down at my briefs. "I need to put on some pants."
Fluttershy gave me a familiar, devilish smirk.
"Why? I think you look-"
"Not the time Fluttershy. Could you please grab my pants for me?"
She pouted and looked ready to protest, but turned and walked over to the dresser, which my pants were folded on top of. She grabbed them and walked back to me.
I took the pants and looked down at my hooved arms. A rather saddening thought entered my head.
I shoved the idea of the possible handicap away and laid back on the bed with my legs sticking out the end. Luckily those magical, magnetic powers in these ponies' hooves were in mine as well, so I was able to unfold the blue pants to go about putting them on. It took some work, but I managed to perform all of the ‘pants-putting-on’ procedures, minus the final step... No matter how hard I tried.
“Come on. Come on. Come on you freaking zipper!” I let out a sigh and sat up with a sheepish expression. "Uh...Fluttershy?"
She looked away from the owl in the windowsill she was...’chit-chatting’ with and stared curiously up at me.
“I...Maaay need some help with the pants...”
She looked confused for a moment before a blush spread across her face.
“Oh...My...”
I waved my hooves in a ‘nonono’ gesture.
“Just the zipper and button!”
‘Like that makes it any better...’
I swear that I saw her wings twitch slightly, but she nodded and hesitantly trotted over. I stood up shakily and held my pants to keep them from sliding off.
She stood in front of me, her head level with my...yeah, and looked at my face for affirmation. I cringed and looked away, but still nodded.
Her hot breath rolled across the thin layer protecting my modesty as I stood there, waiting in regretful anticipation. She just waited there for a moment, almost teasing me with her heavy, over exaggerated breathing.
For the first time ever, the girl made me blush...And it wasn’t just stemming from my embarrassment.
“F-Fluttershy?” I stuttered out. “W-what are y-you-”
She suddenly grabbed ahold of the zipper between her teeth and ever-so-slowly began to crane her neck; moving the zipper upwards with her head.
‘Oh god oh god oh god...PLEASE HURRY!’
I’m sure you can all figure out why I was all too happy with this ordeal to end.
*zzzzzzzzzz*
‘She’s teasing me...She has to be.’
*zzzzzzzzzz*
‘It does not take this long to zip up a pair of pants...It’s going to get a helluva lot harder for you in a second if you don’t hurry up!’
I brought my gaze back towards her as she exhaled a rather deep and warm breath against me. She had her eyes closed, a vivid blush stark against her pastel-yellow fur. She didn’t look happy, sad or otherwise, just...Focused.
*zzzzzip!*
‘Oh thank god!’
In the nick of time too. I put my hoof against the pegasus’ head and pushed her away from me.
“Th-thank-you-Fluttershy-n-n-now-I-really-need-to-go”
She opened her eyes and looked at me.
“But your pants are still unbuttoned.”
I wobbled a bit as I tried to walk around her, but was soon cut off.
“They’ll stay on, just please let me-”
She reared up on her hindlegs and set her forehooves against my chest.
“Stan, I insist.”
She gave me a little shove, only enough to make me tip over and fall back on the bed.
“*OOF!* Fluttershy please let meeeEEE!”
I suddenly found her curtain of mane tickling against my bare stomach as she began to button my pants.
Sounds innocent enough sure, but-
...
Okay, it doesn’t sound innocent at all, but she could have made it a little moreso if she didn’t decide to use her freaking tongue !
Apparently buttoning a pair of pants with your mouth takes some creativity.
She slowly snaked her tongue out of her mouth as I tried to sit up, to no avail of course; she shoved me right back down. I gave it another try, but it ended with the same turn out. Eventually I just gave up and stared at the ceiling, trying to clear my mind of all the thoughts running through it. Really hard with a moist tongue tracing along the skin fairly near to your unmentionables mind you.
‘Please don’t notice...PLEASE don’t notice.’
Notice what you say? Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other...LOVE each other, daddy gets a-
I’ll just stop there, hopefully you understand my point.
I heard a gasp from her and craned my neck to watch as she suddenly retreated, a string of saliva from her mouth following her for just a moment. I sat up and looked down at my pants before bringing my gaze back to the pegasus in front of me. She was looking away with a blush, kicking the floor with her hoof.
“Umm...I did it...”
“Err- Thank you...I guess...”
I couldn’t help but feel a pang of disappointment at the time.
And following that ‘pang’, I couldn’t help but feel a disgust towards myself at the aforementioned emotion.
I was conflicted, needless to say.
I stood back up shakily.
“Umm Stan? Don’t you need your shirt?”
A mental image shot through my head of Fluttershy and I-
“NO!” I stumbled to the door and looked back at her. “I mean...Heh, I’ll just get going. I don’t want to keep Twilight waiting.”
“Do you want me to come with yo-”
“No. No. No. That won’t be necessary.”
'I need all the time I can get away from this mare.'
She looked saddened by my words, almost ready to reveal one of the most powerful tools in her arsenal...The eyes. I quickly turned around and reached a hoof towards the doorknob, but...
“Uh Fluttershy?”
She trotted up next to me.
“Yes?”
I gestured towards the knob.
“Could you help me out here...”
Twilight was standing next to her desk, patiently waiting for Owlowiscious to return with Stan. And by patiently waiting, she was furiously scribbling on the parchment in front of her.
"I guess punctuality isn't one of his race's traits."
You'd figure that this fact would be a minor part, more of an afterthought really, in her notes, but she wrote it boldly and underlined. Whether this was out of anger or actual significance was still to be determined.
She couldn't help but have a small feeling of worry for her pet and, in a smaller part of herself, Stan, but she couldn't figure out how a trip to Fluttershy's and back could end up being a perilous journey.
She glanced up at the clock on her wall for the fifth time that minute and scowled.
"Thirty minutes..." She made another rough note on the parchment and suddenly slammed the quill against her desk. "Gah!"
She stepped away from the desk and made her way towards the door.
"Of all the inconsiderate, impolite-" She slung the door open. "AHH!"
She jumped back in surprise.
"Hey Twilight."
Stan stood there with Owlowiscious on his shoulder, his pants were ripped, he was covered in dirt, his face was caked with a thin layer of a mysterious white substance and his hands and feet were... Seemingly missing.
He stood there awkwardly and shifted uncomfortably as she gawked at him.
"Well? Aren't you going to invite me in?"
"Oh! Uh, right. Please come in."
I stepped shakily through the portal as Owlowiscious flew off my shoulder and onto a desk to my right.
“Sorry it took so long but...Well, the hooves and all.”
She closed the door behind me and turned to look at me curiously.
“Hooves?”
I held out my arms for her to see.
“Yeah, hooves. Not the easiest things to walk on you know.”
I had hoped to leave the subject there, but alas.
“Why do you have hooves all of the sudden? What happened to your...Other things?”
“Hands and feet, and it was-” I stopped myself and looked up into the air above me expectantly. “I mean- I have absolutely no idea how it happened.”
She looked skeptically at me.
"So you have absolutely no idea as to why you have hooves?" I shrugged at her and she let out a sigh. “Well... So much for comparing your feet to Spike’s claws...”
“I think you mean my hands, but yeah, that ain’t gonna happen. It’ll probably pass, like every other freaking time."
Her eyes suddenly brightened.
"Well, that's one more thing to get to the bottom of!"
'I don't like the sound of that.'
I suddenly lost my balance on the wretched hooves I was standing on and stumbled for a moment.
"So how long is this going to take, I was hoping that I’d be able to-” I paused as she looked at me, waiting for me to continue. “Okay, I didn’t really have any other plans, but I’d rather go swimming in a lake or something than sit here and answer questions all day.”
“Well, it depends on how much you know.”
“...So you’re saying that if I’m dumb I can leave early?”
“Not necessarily, I-”
“That’s how you said it and that’s how I’ll read it.”
She snorted and walked over to a stool next to her couch to sit down. She gestured towards the couch and I struggled over to it. You could say that I sat down, but to be more accurate: I ‘fell’ into the seat.
“So, let’s start wi-”
“I’m hungry.”
“With your diet.”
“I eat everything and anything, so can I have an orange or something?”
She snorted, but stood back up to walk into the kitchen. She soon returned with an apple floating next to her, which she levitated into my lap. I looked at the apple, then back up at her with a raised eyebrow.
“I asked for an ora-”
Her horn suddenly took on a vibrant, almost white, hue of purple. I looked at her confusedly as she lowered her head and shot a ray of light out of her horn towards the apple.
“SWEET JESUS!”
I jolted upwards in my seat as the ray hit the apple and suddenly disappeared, leaving a plump, orange...orange where I was just sitting.
"Okay. Warn me next time you're going to do that please." I stared at the orange in a mixture of disdain and interest. "And please be careful where you're aiming."
She rolled her eyes at me with a smirk.
"Fine fine, I'm sor-"
"What would've happened if you missed?"
"What?"
"If you missed, what would it have done to..." I gestured a hoof towards my groin. "You know."
She looked sheepishly at me.
"Well uhh... You see, it turns things into oranges so..."
My eyelid twitched as I looked at her unamusedly.
"Don't. Do it again." I picked the orange up between two hooves, and looked at the skin unhappily. "*Sigh* Uh, Twilight? Could you get the peel off for me?"
'Well I'm about as useless as a five year old.'
"Maybe the apple would've been better?"
"I know where that apple came from; I wouldn't trust it for a second."
She lifted the orange in her lavender aura and began to peel the skin back in a lotus pattern. I have to admit, it was pretty freaking sweet. As if expecting my next gripe, she separated all of the segments and dropped them into my eagerly waiting hooves.
"Okay, so now we can finally get down to my question-"
"GOD! Ugh, freaking hooves!"
I had managed to squish the segments between my hooves on their journey to my eagerly waiting mouth, spraying my face with their sticky juices.
I looked at Twilight with embarrassment, she was giving me an annoyed, almost furious, gaze.
She let out a loud, drawn-out sigh and stood up to walk back into the kitchen.
"So you're mammals, like us."
"Obviously."
"And your mares, for the most part, have one foal at a time."
"Women and babies, but yes."
"And you're behind us technologically."
"Ye- wait, no."
"But you don't have magic."
"Yes, but we have electricity. We are far ahead of you in that department."
"And what is this 'Eleck tris tittie'?"
"Please, please call it electricity. It’s a uh...Form of energy used to power our appliances and such.”
“Ah. So it’s like Thaumicity?”
“...What?”
“Thaumicity, it’s a thaumic charge stored in cylinders containing highly conductive crystals charged by unicorns-” And blah-bity blah blah blah.
This mare could talk.
And talk.
And talk-talk-talk.
And it wasn’t even the interesting kind of conversation that you’d have with a friend, it was more of a lecture, like what you’d deal with in college. It was obvious that she loved to flaunt her intelligence.
That or she liked to teach.
Regardless, I pretty much tuned her out when she went on these conversational tangents.
“-And it’s measured in Clydesdales.”
I nodded in an uninterested way as I stared at the bookcase across the room from me.
“Yup, Clydesdales...Clydesdales?” I brought my gaze back to the unicorn. “Your electricity is measured in something called Clydesdales?”
“Thaumicity, and yes. It was named after a magician named Charles-Augustin de Clydesdale, he pioneered the idea of opposite magical forces attracting and repelling-”
“Let me get this straight. You have, or rather had, no idea what a horse was before that little...Episode I had?” I raised an eyebrow. “Magician?”
“Well, horses are a part of our history but nopony actually knew what they looked like. You actually haven’t touched on horses ye-”
“So your ‘Coulomb’ is a ‘Clydesdale’, your ‘Physicists’ are ‘Magicians’’ and despite the former being a particular species of horse, you still have no physical idea of what a horse is.”
“Coulomb?”
‘Not taking the bait you tricky dweeb.’
“*Sigh* Forget I said anything.” I made a poor attempt at reclining on the couch. “Go on.”
“Well, thaumicity-”
“The questions, not...Thaumy-doodle whatever.”
She looked at me with a blank expression, as if trying to read me.
“Alright.” A clipboard levitated in front of her as she made a small note. “Mating.”
I froze and slowly began to sit back up.
“What?”
“Mating, what does your species do in regards to mating? Do they have romance? Do they just get together and-”
“I do not feel comfortable answering this.”
“Well it’s merely for education’s sake.” I pursed my lips at her as she stared at me expectantly. “Would it help if I told you a joke?”
“And just how would that help?”
“Well, I’ve read that keeping the mood less serious in a conversation can help when talking about serious subjects.”
I rolled a hoof at her.
“Go on.”
“Well” She cleared her throat. “Why was six afraid of seven.”
I let out a sigh at the piteous attempt at humor.
“Because seven ate nine, now can we move on-”
“No, a number is a non-living concept dealing with numerals and as such isn’t incapable of feeling fear.”
“...”
‘Just...What?’
I looked at her, just to see if she was messing with me, but she seemed completely serious.
“Okay, drop the ruse, that was terrible.”
She smiled slightly.
“You thought it was funny, don’t lie. I can read you like a book.”
“Don't flatter yourself, you can read me like a sticky note that went through the washing machine.”
“What’s a sticky note?”
My eye twitched again as I stared at her in disbelief.
“NOTHING!” I threw up my hooves in frustration. “Absolutely. Nothing.”
“Sooo... Back to mating.”
‘GAH!’
Waterboarding, The Judas Chair, The Brazen Bull. They had nothing, I repeat, nothing on this girl and her innocent interrogation.
If you don’t know what those are, don’t take the time to look them up if you want to keep your lunch.
“It’s the exact same as it is here. Now can you ask something else please?”
“Well, I’d still like some details. Perhaps you could contrast a past relationship with the one you’re having with Fluttershy?”
I narrowed my eyes.
“We are not in a relationship.” I pointed a hoof at her for emphasis. “Friends, if that. Nothing more.”
“What about the date-”
“Purely platonic, I couldn’t say no.”
“Because...You’re attracted to her?”
“GET OFF THE MATING SUBJECT PLEASE!”
“You didn’t say no.” She smiled mischievously and made a note on her clipboard. “Okay, since you won’t talk about mating, I just need to perform a little scan and then you’re free to go.”
“...Forever?”
“Of course not.”
“But you just said-”
“For today.”
‘Of course.’
“So by scan you mean...What exactly?”
“Just a quick magical scan to see what magic your body holds.”
‘Which would be none.’
“And then we’re done?”
“For today.”
“Okay, sure. Scan away Sparkle.”
She snorted and stepped over to where I sat as her horn began to glow. I watched in a half-interest as she started to navigate the horn on her around to the various parts of my body. Frankly, she looked kinda ridiculous.
When she got to the end of my right hoof, her horn’s shade began to dim to a darker lavender.
“That’s peculiar.” She narrowed her eyes as her horn grew all the brighter. “Stan have you been in contact with any-”
Suddenly a spark ignited from my skin, upon contacting her horn, her aura turned a sickly yellow and-
*BOOM*
The unicorn shot into the air as a small explosion appeared in the gap between the horn and my hoof. She was sent spiraling to the other half of the tree-house, where she landed in a heap.
“Just protecting my investment.”
“Twilight!”
I shot off the couch and stumbled my way over to her.
“Twilight are you oka-” My eyes widened. “What the hell!”
Her eyes began to flutter open as she raspily spoke.
“W-what happened.”
“Your horn just freaking exploded!” Her expression grew panicked. “-But you’re fine!”
“Oh thank Celestia...”
“Uh...Don’t thank her yet.”
Twilight was perfectly fine, just for the record. She didn’t look like she bruised or suffered from any sort of contusions or the like. She did, however, have some...New things.
“Why do my hooves feel funny?”
“Heh...What hooves?”
Her eyes shot back open.
Yes, Discord may be a douche, but he’s got a sense of humor. I have to at least give him that.
At the ends of Twilight’s forelegs, in the places of her hooves, was a pair of purple-skinned hands. As you can probably assume, she had feet at the ends of her hindlegs as well. It was kinda scary-looking to be honest.
She shot into standing position, but quickly fell back over and rolled onto her back.
“AHH!” She held the appendages to the end of her muzzle, moving the fingers around. “What are these things!?!”
“Hands and feet, you know, the things you wanted to ‘study’?”
She shot back up, but began to tip over again.
“This isn’t funny!” She corrected her balance. “This is a serious problem!”
“Well you’re not the only one with a problem sweetheart.”
“What.” She said exasperatedly. “What could possibly be worse than this?”
“I have to use the restroom.”
Author's Note
Well howdy doody folks. Sorry it took so long, but I may or may not have purchased BF3 recently...*cough* username is Dillectable *cough*
Anywho, I believe a- well, several thank yous are in order. Last chapter was by-far my largest ever with 150 new favorites and near 100 new likes. With that I achieved my dream of having a 20:1 Like-to-Dislike ratio!
Then lost it soon thereafter... Then got it back! Then lost it again... But it happened!
Anyways, thanks to everyone for the likes and favorites you've given to me, I never in my wildest dreams thought people would WANT to read this thing D:
Further thanks list:
Sixpence: For being awesome and having the genius idea that was 'Thaumicity'
HollyHock: For doing the cover this time around and prereading
AliCentaur Br0ny: For doing an awesome job proofreading this chapter for me
“By Celestia’s furry plot!”
I slammed the front door to the library behind me, nearly falling over in the process, but frankly I’d do anything to get away from that crazy, magic-shooting unicorn.
"They're just han-"
*ZZAP*
"AHH!"
"You could try something other than burning them off you know!"
It grew strangely silent in the library.
"Uh... Twilight?"
"Burning them off! Genius!"
"Okay, was not making a suggestion!"
There was the sound of padded footing on steps, growing further and further away as I stood behind the door.
"Twilight! Stop!"
I reached towards the doorknob, but ran into the age old problem of having hooves and not having any idea on how to use them.
...
Which made me question how I opened the door to get outside in the first place.
"Twilight! Can you even hear me!?!"
I knocked frantically on the door as the padding grew so distant as to be out of earshot.
"Twilight!... You know what? Screw it, I hope you light your mane on fire while you're at it."
From frustration grows douchebaggery, let that be a lesson for all you kiddos out there.
I turned from the door and looked out at the town of Ponyville with slumped shoulders.
'...What now?'
With that wonderfully positive mindset, I took a step into town; quite carefully I might add, the hooves were still pretty tricky. Though it wasn’t currently very pressing, I still had to use the restroom. If I could hold it in with those crazy, magic lightning bolts flying around; I felt like I could last maybe an hour without dying of an internal explosion. That, of course, doesn’t really account for discomfort, but it wasn’t my first ‘hold teh peepee’ rodeo.
I wandered throughout the town without a clear destination, turning the heads of Ponyville's denizens from my train wrecked appearance. It was odd, it was like there was this figurative weight on my shoulders. I felt burdened physically, but I knew it had to be mentally. After all, it wasn't as if there was anything on my-
"Hiya!"
Pinkie Pie was leaning over my head and giving me a fierce frown.
Or a sickeningly wide, upside-down grin. Take your pick.
I wasn't sure how she had managed to get on my shoulders in the first place, especially without me noticing, but she always seemed to show up in the darndest of places.
Strangely, it’s often when I go swimming in that lake behind Fluttershy's cottage.
I wasn't really in a bad mood, I wasn’t really in a good one either; boredom does that to you, but I still answered her with a smidgen of enthusiasm. I knew how much she valued the stuff.
"Hey Pinks, what's up?"
"Well," She brought her head back up, sitting on my shoulders as I stood there, "I guess you could say that I'm up!"
'Gah! Screw literal interpretations.'
"Yeah, I can see that. Could you get off please?"
I know that I gave Sweetie Belle a piggie back ride at one point, but giving one to a full grown mare just felt... wrong. Not wrong in the sense of, 'Oh she needs to grow up', more like, 'I know what's being pressed up against the back of my head and I don't like it one bit.'
Not going to spell it out for you.
"Aww, Stanny. But you're sooo comfortable ."
I liked Pinkie, I really did, but I didn't like the way she said 'comfortable' in that context. I know I may have said something about her being too crazy for me, but think of it like this: She’s like vitamins “K”, “A”, “D” and “E”. As our body cannot remove the aforementioned vitamins via the excretion of wastes, taking them in high concentrations in a short period of time can lead to a potentially dangerous build-up that may ultimately end in death.
Yes kiddos, have a little Biology lesson courtesy of Stan. At least now you can leave here with something useful for once.
Sure, it wouldn’t technically kill me being around the mare, but I may kill me if I stay around her for too long.
“Comfortable for you, not for me.”
“*GASP* You have hooves JayJay!?!”
“*Sigh* Yes, I do. And how many times have I told you that I’m not JayWalker anymore?”
“Fourty-Nine before you just said that, and now it’s fifty! This calls for a fiftieth anni- anniver- time that you’ve told me that you’re not JayJay party!”
I tried to pick her up between my hooves, but frankly it seemed more like I was groping the mare than actually picking her up. Something reinforced by the response I was getting.
“Ooo~ At least take me out for cupcakes first!”
“Look, no party, no cupcakes; I just need to-”
‘ Think Stan, think. ..’
“Go to Rarity’s to get my pants fixed!”
And cue ‘crap, why did I say that?' moment.
"O-Oh..."
"Heh, sorry Pinks. Can't go gallivanting around town on display now, can I? That was rhetorical by the way, don't answer it."
The weight disappeared off of my shoulders and I soon found Pinkie standing next to me.
"Can I come?"
"I don't think that's such a great idea, you'll be bored to tears."
"Bored to tears?!? I don't wanna cry!"
"Yes yes, we don't want that to happen."
I awkwardly took a step away from the mare. You know, like that moment when you're talking to a stranger and you're not sure when the conversation is supposed to end, so all you want to do is get the hell outta there.
"Sooo, I'll see you later?"
"But later sounds so late! Can you see me sooner?"
I smirked a bit at her antics.
"Sure, sooner."
She smiled brightly at me as I turned around.
"Bye Stanny!"
"Adiós Pink-” A jolt of urgency suddenly shot through my body. ”-EEEE!”
I stumbled a bit and resisted the urge to shoot my hooves towards my crotch, god knows how much that would hurt.
‘Ugh. Level one of restroom urgency achieved.’
Let it be known that it comes in stages...
Three stages.
Bleh. Don't you just love those moments where you make a stupid mistake?
Frankly, a day with Pinkie, and to an extent, baked goods, would've been pretty nice. Instead, I made a stupid excuse to shoo her away while I went to Rarity's.
Needless to say, it was quite the regrettable decision; something that I was quick to learn as I arrived at her boutique.
*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*
“Welcome to the Carousel Bo-”
“Cut the crap, it’s Stan.”
“OH! Stan!”
The door in front of me flew open to reveal the beaming unicorn.
“Darling how are you- AHHHHHH!”
“WOAH WOAH!” I looked myself over. “What in the hell is wrong!?!”
A light bulb clicked on in my head.
“Right, the hooves. You see-”
“My pants! They're an absolute disaster!” The unicorn shot towards me and began inspecting the slacks. She looked into my eyes with a menacing glare and prodded me with her hoof harshly. “What. Did. You. DO!”
“Hey! It’s not like I did it on purpose!” She continued to look angrily at me. “Look, walking into town without your feet is freaking difficult. These hooves have quite the learning curve, I'd like to see you-” She raised an eyebrow at me. “Okay, but you have four limbs for walking; I’m working with two here.”
She looked into my eyes for a few more moments before snorting and gesturing for me to come in.
“Hooves are hardly an excuse for ruining my work, you could’ve simply gone without them you know.”
I stepped inside and glanced around her tidy storefront.
“I went without a shirt, that’s about my limit for nudity nowadays.”
She walked past me and started up the steps, naturally I followed after. Honestly, you could say that I ‘crawled’ given the fact that I used all four limbs for stability, but let’s just say that I walked to provide a less embarrassing mental picture.
“I don’t know why you couldn’t have donned that towel of yours, I thought it had a very... rustic quality?”
We made it to the top of the steps, and after getting my stability back on two hooves, the two of us turned into her room and makeshift studio.
“What part of ‘I have hooves and don’t know how to use them’ do you not understand?”
“If you were able to put on a pair of pants I’m sure that you could figure it out, if not, then just ask Fluttershy for help.”
‘Ugh. I did, and it was the worst- secondworst mistake I’ve made today.’
Oh, what’s the worst? Well, I pissed of a demi-deity and went to Rarity’s willingly; those two are pretty much on par for stupidity.
"Heh" I looked away from her. "Why in the world would I do that?"
She turned towards me with a raised eyebrow, a smirk slowly growing on her face.
"Did you have any troubles with the zipper?"
A raging blush found its way onto my cheeks.
“N-none at all.”
She took a step towards a clothing rack to her right side.
“Well, zippers are almost exclusively found on unicorn wear; Earth Ponies and Pegasi need to get... cr eative to operate them.”
“Creative how exactly?”
She began to sift through the articles of clothing on the rack.
“Without a partner, they can’t really use them quite honestly. With a partner on the other hand...Well, lets just say that there’s a reason why pants aren’t a popular piece of clothing for the average pony; near all of my shipments of pants go to Canterlot, the population there is primarily unicorns.”
“Well Erm- Why are you telling me this exactly?”
She looked over her shoulder at me.
“Did Fluttershy help you put them on?”
“Pfft!” I looked away from her. “No! I wore them to bed with me.”
Her hoof froze on a frilly pink dress.
“So you wore my one-of-a-kind extraterrestrial-wear pants to sleep... And ran the risk of defiling them with your-” She snorted. “nightly secretions.”
“No way!”
“So you didn’t wear them while you slept?”
“You see-”
“Did you or did you not?”
You know, I’m really beginning to hate this interrogation thing the ponies keep pulling on me. I swear to God, they seem to always know what went down; my mannerisms pretty much serve to concrete that, yet they still hound me to hell and back.
I let out a sigh and looked back at her.
“Look, you know perfectly well what went down. Why make me come up with these stupid excuses?”
Frankly, it was sadistic. It was like putting a rubber steak in front of a bear on a treadmill.
...
Terrible analogy, let’s carry on.
“Because darling, it’s sooo much nicer to hear the juicy details come from your mouth.”
“Riiiight...”
‘Or you just want to watch me squirm you sadistic bi-”
“So are you going to fix my pants or not?”
She turned from the clothing rack and walked back towards me. Honestly, I’m not quite sure why she started rifling through it in the first place.
“Well yes, but it may take some time.” Inspiration struck her features. “And I may have to ask you a favor in return.”
I crossed my hooves and looked warily at her; a gesture that really loses its effect when you stumble while doing it.
“Woah-woah-woah” She rolled her eyes and caught me with her magic to correct my balance. “Sorry, the whole hoof thing-”
‘Why am I apologizing?’
“Whatever. So how long is ‘some time’ and what’s this favor?”
“Well, the pants I should have done by the end of the day.”
“And in the meantime...”
“I made a spare pair, given they aren’t exactly the same...style.”
"And you're only telling me this now?"
"I haven't had the need to before."
She quickly pulled something out of it with her aura, holding it behind herself and out of my view.
Not sure what it is with this girl and her constant attempts at subtlety.
“Now Stan darling, I need you to be perfectly honest about what you think of this design; I think I may be onto something pretty revolutionary.” She smiled sweetly at me. “Now if you could close your eyes-”
“No.”
“Excuse me-”
“I don’t like to keep my eyes off you ponies.”
She started swishing her tail behind her ass.
Pfft-! Heh, it's all about the phrasing isn't it?
“Oh really ?”
"Yes really . I look away from you guys for two seconds and find out that you've drugged my salad and started masturbating under the table."
"W-wha?"
I waved a hand dismissively.
"Nothing, just an example. Now the pants-"
Something suddenly came flying at my head and plastered itself to my face.
"Whff?"
"It's called improvising dear, I didn't have a blindfold. Now if you could just pull it from your face and... Gaze upon my creation ~!"
Perhaps it's the mere knowledge that we've rolled our eyes that gives us such a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. The idea that this poor, far from innocent, victim of circumstance is the target of our displeasure. She couldn't see my eyes from behind the strange article, but I'll just say this: My optic nerves were none too happy with me with the sheer exaggeration of it all. I wouldn't be surprised if she could just feel it; feel the inevitable vertigo that comes with such an impressive spin.
I put my hooves to my face, the blinding cerulean aura disappearing from my vision as Rarity released her magic, allowing the garment to fall into my hold. I pulled the... stretchy cloth from my face and held it out at arms length.
It was a small piece of clothing; black and actually not particularly small in the length department but... Well, let's just say that it would do excellent at displaying jewels if you catch my drift.
“What... are these?”
“Shorts!”
“Compression shorts.”
“Standex Shorts!”
“Right.”
"Well Stan? What do you think?"
"...Do you have anything else for me? To, I don't know, go over it?"
She pouted at me.
“You don’t like it?” Anger strayed onto her features as she looked away from me and at the floor. “I knew it! It was a stupid idea; I’m so sorry Stan, I just-”
“No no no no no,”
‘Don’t. You. Dare.’
“I like them! I really do.”
‘WHY? WHY?’
I couldn’t really explain why I lied through my teeth to the girl, but well... Gah, screw it. I was being far too nice that day. Maybe it was the subliminal ‘I’ll kill myself if I’m not perfect’ messages coming from that angry expression on her face.
“You do!?! Oh Stan! I’m so glad!”
...
And tipped me the frick over.
“RARITY HOOVE-GAH!-OOF!”
I hit the ground and just lay there looking up at the ceiling as Rarity snuggled up against my chest, clearly not even caring that she knocked me over. I reached towards the newly gained aching spot on my head, but only really succeeded in knocking it pretty hard with my rock-like hoof. Concussive amnesia I’m sure; I’m never that dumb usually...
Yeah, shut up.
“Rarity,” I croaked out, “what was that favor you wanted in exchange for these?”
She pulled her head from my chest and looked at me, her mane now slightly frazzled in an insane kinda way. A smile grew on her face.
“I want in.”
“Beg pardon?”
“I. Want. In.”
“In what? My pants?”
Confusion grew on her face at that. Clearly in a nudist society some of those phrases and quips lose their effectiveness.
“Wha-” She shut her eyes tightly for a moment. “Never mind that, I just want in; that’s all you need to know.”
“I’m not sure I like the sound of that, but...Okay?”
“Well darling, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to ask you to disrobe. Can’t fix those pants while you have them on, now can I?”
“Alright.”
I started to get up, but with the added weight of the unicorn on my front... Well, hooves just aren’t that useful okay?
“Uh, Rarity?”
“Oh! Right. Sorry dear.”
Which was kinda demeaning to be honest.
“Alright, well...Do you have a dressing room?”
“Yes, but it’s downstairs; you can get changed in here, I don’t mind.”
‘Naturally.’
“Yeah, I think I’ll just hazard the steps.” I began to walk towards the door, but remembered something rather unpleasant. “Uh Rarity...*ahem* the zipper?”
Pinkie Pie was walking quietly through town, deep in thought.
Yes, you read that correctly, quietly and in thought; quite paradoxical in all honesty.
Normally she would be hopping around town brightening the spirits of the residents with her regular chipper self, but something a certain man had told her recently had her thoroughly confused.
‘How many times have I told you that I’m not JayWalker anymore?’
‘Anymore?’
That one word, it just resonated with her. She enjoyed being around Stan just as much as she enjoyed being around everypony else, but there was something about that JayWalker that made her heart race and her knees go all ‘quakey wakey.’
Sure, she hadn’t seen that side of Stan for some time, and even then it was just for a day; but during that party, he was so...
“Right for me.”
All it took was a single sip of cider for that stallion to come out, so why didn’t she just offer Stan a drink? The thought was promising, but somewhere deep within the recesses of her mind something was whispering ‘Cliche, Cliche.’ She suddenly froze while on her way through the market.
It all suddenly clicked! The hooves, the fiftieth anniversary of calling Stan ‘JayWalker’, him saying ‘I’m not JayWalker anymore?’ They were all signs; signs saying that JayWalker was coming back!
A wide grin spread across her face as her mind went into hyperdrive. So he had hooves again... But JayWalker was a pegasus, Stan needed wings!
“PINKIE!”
“Huh, what?”
As it turned out, she had stopped right in the front of Applejack’s stand.
“Ah’ve called your name a good four times Pinkie, are ya feelin’ alright?”
She had to find a way to get wings on that man...It was the logical next step-
“Uh, Pinkie?”
“Oh! Sorry I just have a very important-”
‘CUPCAKE! That’s it!’
“CUPCAKE! A cupcake to make!”
A poof of dust appeared in front of the orange mare’s stand as her pink friend sped off to Celestia knows where.
Applejack watched the pink blur, a confused expression adorning her freckled face.
“Ah swear, that mare is just too much.”
Pinkie quickly found herself in front of Twilight’s library, the mission playing through her mind like a broken record:
Get Stan wings.
Ponies often take her for granted. She was sure that Twilight would have thought that her babblings would have fallen on deaf, pink ears; but fortunately for the pink pony, she had a far better memory than her friends gave her credit for. When Twilight was talking about a breakthrough on her pegasus wing potion, Pinkie had been secretly all-ears.
You see, the spell that Twilight knew to create temporary wings on a non-pegasus pony was both taxing and had fragile results. Since her first successful, yet exhausting, attempt at performing this spell, the unicorn was determined to create a potion capable of producing, although still temporary, a hardier pair of wings.
Although this wasn’t her primary experiment, nor her first hobby, it was sixth out of twenty in her list of semi-hobbies. She simply didn’t have the time to fit it into her busy schedule. As such, according to her ideals; this hobby was fed her time on insomniatic nights. Only recently did she actually make headway in the potions creation, but I digress.
From Twilight’s description, the potion was finally ready for testing, so Pinkie was just doing her a favor right? Regardless, she needed to get that potion first.
With scarcely a sound, Pinkie opened the door to the library and slipped inside.
“OW! OW! OW! OW!”
Screams were coming from the upper level of the treehouse, causing the pony to pause for a moment. Pinkie briefly considered investigating, but she knew how much Twilight hated to be interrupted during an experiment. Something about possibly cataclysmic mixtures and explosions or the like; Pinkie was, ironically, not listening to her much that time around.
Escaping her thoughts, Pinkie slunk low to the floor and crawled over-exaggeratedly towards the door on the opposite end of the room. The lab was in the basement, she remembered that much from her friend’s obsession with her Pinkie-sense.
After another near silent door opening, Pinkie shot down the steps and began to scan the cramped space.
“What color was it again...”
Twilight had said something about poison joke being an ingredient, so Pinkie figured blue would be a good place to start.
Odd machinery lined the walls of the basement, some of which was familiar to the mare, the others...Well, not so much.
Resisting the ever-so-satisfying urge to press the multitude of buttons around her, Pinkie searched the large table in the middle of the room, the beakers, flasks and graduated cylinders serving as a fine indicator that this was in fact the right place. She had no idea why she knew what a graduated cylinder was, but even Pinkie had learned to not question herself.
“Blue...Blue...Blue-”
Her gaze fell upon a clear flask containing a bubbling, royal purple liquid. On its front was a small label with a crudely drawn on wing.
Pinkie grinned widely and grabbed the flask.
She had a cupcake to make.
Author's Note
End of the school year, really busy. Sorry for the lateness...
Relatively dull as per the norm.
(And short, thus the name.)
Anywho, set-up chapter. Next chapter is my last before starting up transformations again.
Let's end this streak of humanity with a bang shall we?
Comment por favor, me gusta leerlo. (Totally butchered that I'm sure.)
Oh, and I know you'll all hate me, but I started another fic and it isn't comedy. Not worth linking just for that reason, but worthy of mentioning (for excuse purposes :P)
Chapter Eighteen: Phase Three
Phase one:
Phase two:
Phase three:
Yeah, sounds like it sucks doesn't it?
Well it does.
A. Lot.
Did I expect to hit phase two as I was strutting- *ahem* trotting out of Rarity’s. And yes, horse euphemisms are going to be a recurring theme as this plague... plagues me?
That sounded dumber than I had hoped.
*Ahem* As I was saying: Was I expecting to double over in pain, making a stupid, stupid attempt to hold in the floodgates as I exited Rarity’s abode?
Not really, no.
It was quite an unfortunate set of circumstances. Maybe even comically so, but I was on the brunt end of this, so... not fun.
Now, before I move on: If I may ask, have you ever been racked, i.e hit in the family jewels with a sledgehammer? Well, don't take this as bragging as 'I don't even lift bro', but nevertheless, I’m fairly sure that my hoof coming towards my crotch at high velocity would pretty well classify as, at the very least, a small sledge.
Regardless of its classification, instinct sucks. I mean seriously, what help does ‘holding’ it do? It’s like trying to stop a waterfall with a waffle. Which makes no sense whatsoever, but that’s the point! What. Good. Does. It. Do?
If I didn’t make it clear enough, I’m sure you can all figure out what happened. I stepped outside, found a meadow full of roses daisies, and jumped in with a silly smile on my tear-soaked face.
If you believed that, you’re an idiot. If you think I’m an idiot, then you’ve officially earned my respect.
“Thanks Rarit-EEEE!”
*Fwoomp*
“GAH!!!”
The mere fact that my hoof managed to make a noise while traveling through the air should say something about how painful this experience was. I doubled over onto the ground, and yet again shot my hooves to my crotch in an even stupider attempt to somehow dull the pain. I mean seriously! What in the hell is with us humans and putting our hands places where they don’t belong? Do we think that they’ll perform some sort of miracle?
As you can imagine, the word ‘mommy’ escaped my mouth in a far higher tone than usual as I curled up into the fetal position. Apparently, neither Standex nor ‘Stan’ can absorb impact very well.
“Stan are you quite alright?”
‘Like a crushed cucumber on the sidewalk...’
“Just peachy-”
“Are you sure?”
“Do I sound unsure?”
‘Yes.’
“Well, I guess not... Just make sure to return some time tomorrow pick up your pants.”
I nodded, my mind not putting two and two together that she wouldn’t see it.
“Stan?”
“Yes,” I hissed out, “I heard you.”
A door slamming from upstairs signalled that Rarity had finally left me alone.
By now, I’m sure that you’re wondering why I didn’t just use Rarity’s restroom. I wish that I had a good excuse for this, but frankly there were just couple of things about her bathroom that I didn’t like. Firstly, her bathroom was in her room, which in my eyes is a big no-no. Secondly, it had saloon doors; you know, those doors found on a bar in one of those old western flicks? Yeah, didn’t like that exposure. Lastly, I told her that I’d ‘hazard the steps’ and I’m a man of my word. Which basically means that I didn’t want to put up with her grilling, but regardless, I hope you understand where I’m coming from.
I was regretting my decision right about then, but by that time it was quite obviously too late.
Now, a man lying on the ground in the fetal position in skin-tight shorts with tears in his eyes would be an odd sight on earth; that's not to mention the addition of hooves and subtraction of hands and feet. A man in the same position in the front of a carousel shaped building in Pony-land... well, it attracts some gazes.
(Un)Fortunately for me, not all of them were inhospitable.
“Hey Stanny! *gasp* Are you trying to be a roly poly bug?!? I love role playing! Ooo! Ooo! Can I be a bird then?”
Before I was even able to react to the insanity that is Pinkie Pie’s presence, I was suddenly burdened with a familiar weight as she stood on top of me, her breath pouring over my ear as I tried to make myself smaller. It may have been pathetic, but it was a small moment of vulnerability, don’t judge.
“CAW!”
Her maw enclosed around my ear as she started chewing on my lobe.
“What the-! PINKIE!”
Yeah, that pretty much brought me back to the land of the living. I quickly shot up into a wobbly standing position, knocking her off me and onto the ground.
“Oh! Are you a bear now? Ooo! Pretend I’m a jar of honey!”
I will NOT describe the position that she put herself in after I stood up. Screw flow, screw imagery; it was not, I repeat, not good.
I clonked myself pretty good in the head as I shot up a hoof to cover my eyes.
“Jesus Pinkie! Stop!”
“...”
“Pinkie?”
‘The girl knows how to role-play, I’ll give her that.’
“Okay, can you be, I don’t know, Pinkie Pie now? I’ll be Stan, you’ll be Pinkie and we’ll have a pointless conversation about nothing! It’ll be great!”
Just learn to speak her language and you’ll make leaps and bounds with this girl.
…
Depending on how you read that statement of course.
“Oh! Okay!”
“Are you decent?”
“I’m decent!”
I’m fairly sure that she had no idea what I meant, but I was also fairly sure that she wasn’t... being a honey jar anymore either. I removed the hoof from my vision and let out a sigh of relief.
“So what brings you here Pinks?”
“I was just wondering what you’re doing today!”
“Uh... no idea? Did you want to hang out or somethi-”
“Nope, I’m reeaally busy.”
“So you came here, real busy and all, and just wanted to know what I’m doing, you don’t want to do it with me?”
“Mmhmm.”
‘...That’s totally not suspicious.’
“Oh Stanny! I love your new pants!”
Which brought my attention back to the fact that I was near ‘on display’ for Ponyville’s denizens. And of course, Pinkie being Pinkie, had to come up and touch my new piece of clothing; right on the-
“JESUS!”
I shot backwards and fell into Rarity’s bush.
“Call me Pinkie Pie!” She put a hoof to her chin. “I don’t know any Jesus- Jesuses...Jesi!”
I gathered myself into the bush and popped my upper half out. At the very least, I could hide my more ‘exposed’ bits. I don’t know if it was ‘phase two’ or Pinkie, but I was dying in some creative ways about then. It’s amazing what a man can come up with.
“Thank you Pinkie,” I said through clenched teeth. “as for what I’m doing; well swimming sounds pretty nice.”
Which was just about the only thing I could do without all eyes on me, depending on where I did it of course; swimming in their fountain would catch some attention, and lawsuits, I’m sure.
“Sounds great! I’ll see you later Stanny!”
And then she was gone, a small puff of dirt serving as the only indication that she had been with me in the first place.
“What the- Why the-” I let out a sigh, “Pinkie...”
Pinkie grinned widely as she galloped over to Sugarcube corner. She felt like a private-eye, her ingenious interrogation was completely successful; Stan was going to be swimming today!
She suddenly froze mid-stride and skidded to a halt.
But where.
The thought worried her for a brief moment, but there weren’t that many ponds and lakes around Ponyville, plus she had seen Stan at the one near Fluttershy’s often enough.
The grin returned as she picked the pace back up, arriving at the bakery in near no time at all.
Ignoring the greetings of her employers, she shot into the kitchen and immediately got to work, murmuring the tune of a familiar song as she gathered the ingredients.
“D-d-d cup of flour,” She grabbed a cup, dutifully filling it with flour before putting into the bowl before her. “add it to the mix... Something sweet not sour.”
She trotted over to the pantry and grabbed the bag of sugar in her teeth.
“A-bith-uvv-sult-thust-a-pinth.” She poured in a heaping amount of sugar and dashed a bit of salt from her shaker over the mix. “Such a cinch...Teaspoon of vanilla.”
Not bothering to measure it, she grabbed a bottle off the counter and poured a small portion of vanilla extract into her concoction.
“Now eggs, butter, milk...”
She trotted to the refrigerator and opened it up, quickly grabbing and tossing the aforementioned ingredients onto the countertop with such a juggling dexterity that it would make a clown proud. After adding the ingredients; spoon in hoof, she began to mix the blend into a fine batter.
“One final ingredient...”
Reaching into her mane, she procured a clear flask filled to its brim with a glowing purple fluid. With a smirk on her muzzle, she pulled off the stopper and poured its contents into the batter, an eerie, purple light dancing about her features.
She quickly grabbed her spoon again and set about mixing the concoction into the dough. The consistency was parallel to that of real batter for a moment, but to her surprise, as she continued to mix the dough, it began to yield all too easily to her mixing utensil, almost like stirring water. Furrowing her brow, she pulled the spoon out of the batter.
Perhaps spoon is the wrong word to use here.
*Ahem*
Her eyes went wide as she pulled her now burnt ‘handle’ from the glowing purple batter, the scoop now entirely missing. With a dropped jaw, she looked down into the bowl at the half-mixed concoction. She briefly considered tossing it out; the wooden scoop would make for poor flavor she was sure, but then again, she was fairly certain beavers ate wood...
“All the healthier!”
With a grin, she pulled a pan with a dozen cupped-out slots from beneath the cupboard.
“Cupcakes, so sweet and tasty!~”
“CANNONBAA- SHIIIIIIIIIIII-”
Note to self and anyone else reading this: Don’t run on wet ground, especially when you're only working with two hooves. Lifeguards put up those ‘no running’ signs for a reason folks, and that’s to make sure that idiots don’t idiot.
Perhaps this is better advice: Don’t be stupid, stupid hurts.
It’s lucky that I was on soft grass; soft, slick freaking grass, but grass nevertheless. And at least I can walk away from the experience with as much loss as gain; my IQ may have dropped, but now I know not to run on wet ground!
That’s called thinking on the bright side, try it sometime.
Anywho, getting a nice little running start, I charged towards the lake with pirate-like intent. To me, the lake was a Spanish Galleon near begging to be plundered; to be sunk to the darkest depths of the... lake. Lakeception if you will. I on the other hand, I was the instrument of its demise; the cannonball.
Things started off surprisingly well considering it was my first time running on these little, piece-of-crap hoof thingies; I may have even made it a good seven feet forward.
Which would have been nicer if I hadn’t started twenty feet back, tracking water all the while.
With a curse befitting a sailor; not so much a cannonball, but whatever, I fell with the utmost grace upon my sweet head.
And damn did I get some air.
Like seriously, rising three feet into the sky from just slipping? It was hard to be mad about something so awesome! Which is probably a good indicator that I need to stop talking to Rainbow Dash...
“MOTHER OF-”
*THUNK*
“F-fff-Flipflops~?”
Temporary brain damage does the darndest things to a person. Making them say flipflops melodically may or may not be one of the ‘darned’ things.
'Oh God, I better not have broken-'
A snapping noise sounded as I was getting up, freezing both my thoughts and my heart. For the umpteenth time that day, I nearly wet my drawers. Trying to be smart about it, I let myself fall back to the ground, which may or may not have been a great idea.
The second snap said no, but the lack of extremity-related pain said yes. In fact, the only pain I felt, besides the likely concussion that is, was a stabbing feeling in my back; almost as if a stick-
'...You're kidding.'
I propped myself into sitting position on one hoof and reached underneath me towards the pain's point of origin. Of course I had grabbing in mind, but as it turns out, that 'magically magnetic power' in these hooves of mine was really on and off. Sometimes I could open doors, other times I could scarcely hold a feather. Naturally it was off this time around
And of course it was then that the hoof propping me up decided to slide out from under me. I swear; sometimes I just wonder if my life is some sort of sick comedy that people sitting in computer chairs read while sipping an icy cold cola.
Of course that's total poppycock, but I still entertain the thought.
Now the snap that I heard there... Well, it was all too ironic and all too real.
"MOTHER FFFF...” I bit back the curse and sat up, the searing pain in my arm making me none too happy. “Why? FREAKING WHY?!?”
I'm going to mix things up a bit here. Instead of being a Debby Downer and giving you the good news followed by the bad news, I'll alternate between them! Now isn't that just a grand idea?
Good news: it was only the fifth broken limb I've ever gotten!
That's not really good news, but I'm trying to think on the brighter side of things so bear with me here.
Anywho, the not so gooder news was that it was my second one since arriving in Ponyville! I'd tell you how the first one happened, but frankly it's kind of a pathetic story involving a kite and a stick of butter. I'm sure you already think little of me, so why make it worse, am I right?
You know, thinking about it a bit, this is actually better news considering that I had a magical little friend who... Actually kinda sucks at mending bones, but on the fourth try or so she usually gets it right. Actually, let's save that for the next 'good news' portion.
*ahem*
Good news: I have a magical little friend that can fix my little bone problem! And you're a pervert! I know you how you read that.
Anyways, if you're ever around Ponyville with a shattered femur, call up contact Twilight Sparkle. You may end up with a backwards leg for a little while which she’ll blame on some BS about different bone structures; that’s an interesting story for a later date, but like I said, she gets it right eventually.
Wincing all the while, I made a meager attempt at standing up; frankly, I didn’t really realize just how important those forehooves were for getting me on my... hindhooves? Whatever, they're now hoofeet as far I'm concerned.
Getting back onto my hoofeet was a bit of a struggle, I didn't fall on my loosey-goosey, broken arm luckily, but it still wasn't very easy. The grimace on my face wasn't stemming purely from the pain you know.
I hissed in pain at the shifting of the limb and started to carefully walk in the direction of Ponyville. I wasn't near Fluttershy's I'll have you know, I was next to a small lake on the edge of the Neverpee? Yeah, Neverpee forest. As you can imagine, I didn't want her to get... excited from my new attire.
I made it a few pained steps before... Well...
Cue phase three.
"OH GOD! OH GOD!"
At this point in the three stage system of the expelling of urine, you have approximately two minutes before your body decides 'screw it' and goes all on its own. That was something I did not want to happen.
The only reason I hadn't gone yet in my seclusion was difficulties removing myself from these... 'Standex' shorts. With one usable limb for their removal, I was all but screwed.
Of course that didn't stop me from 'galloping' strangely steadily into the Neverpee forest, my broken arm seemingly numbed from the immense pain coming from elsewhere.
Breaking through the treeline, I shot forward between the closely bunched trees with no real destination in mind. I just needed complete isolation, even moreso than that little lake. Unfortunately, I had in fact seen ponies near it before.
As I shot through the forest, the thickening foliage began allowing less and less sunlight onto the forest floor, I spotted a tall bush to the side of me and quickly scrambled behind it.
This is the part where I should be saying 'I dropped my drawers and *erm* relieved myself', with that being the exact phrasing I'd use.
However, with two working hooves, I couldn't take off these stupid pants.
With one...
"...Well frick."
In a nearby tree, a totally conspicuous pink pony watched a certain hooved human backtrack several steps with a determined expression on his face.
Frankly, she was bored.
It wasn’t as if watching who she thought to be her future husband was terribly unexciting, there were a couple of moments when he breached the water that had her a bit excited, but she was on a mission. She couldn’t just waltz up to the man with a glowing purple cupcake expecting everything to be all hunky dory, she had to be a bit more creative than that. She didn’t want him to think she was some sort of stalker or anything.
That and she thought that being mysterious would be infinitely more fun.
At that point in time however, she hadn’t really thought about how long she’d have to be waiting there.
“MOTHER OF- f-fff-Flipflops~?”
Pinkie, who had been falling into borderline ‘siesta’ mode, jumped in surprise at the sudden noise and brought her gaze down to where the man was now lying dazedly on the ground. It took a very un-Pinkie-like amount of self-control to not jump down and see if he was alright, but she was determined to get this 'cupcake planting' just right.
To her relief, Stan sat up with little un-hoof-related difficulty.
Letting out a breath she didn't know she was holding, she relaxed on the branch and shut her eyes.
"MOTHER FFFF... Why? FREAKING WHY?!?”
Almost halfheartedly, Pinkie's eyes shot open as she again stared down at the man.
Stan was cradling one of his hooves with a fierce grimace on his face. This time around, he seemed to be in real pain.
Biting her lip, Pinkie wrapped her hooves around the branch she was on and remained still. If this wasn’t a test of her willpower, she didn’t know what was.
Unblinkingly, she watched Stan get up and began to walk hoof-draggingly in the opposite direction of the lake, towards Ponyville. This had her a bit worried with the thought that all this waiting was for naught, but soon the man froze, a completely different; completely desperate expression taking over his face.
“OH GOD! OH GOD!”
In a flash, the man disappeared into the forest and Pinkie hopped from her perch sprung into action. She didn’t know why he had disappeared, but nopony goes into the forest with the intention of staying in there; she was sure he’d be back.
Or at least she hoped he would...
She quickly pulled a small, brown, paper bag from her mane, set it in a dry spot near the lake’s edge and began to trot away.
Or rather tried.
Part of her wanted to get in and out before being seen, but another part of her was exceedingly worried about Stan.
Why was he cradling his arm? Why did he run off like that? Was he suffering from a head injury?
Casting a sidelong glance at the bag, the treeline and finally Ponyville in the horizon in front of her; she let out a snort and shot after Stan into the forest.
So...Heh, how’s life?
Oh mine? Well, I can complain, let’s just say that much. Wetting your pants kinda ruins your day after all.
I’m sure an explanation is in order, despite you pretty much having the entire ‘dizzle’ figured out by now.
Hooves-Ability+Clothing÷One=Dissatisfaction=Unhappiness=Freaking worst day ever.
That’s right, I’m completely and totally unashamed to admit that my brand new Standex pants are now in fact soaked with golden dreams. Okay, I might be a bit ashamed by that... and my use of ‘golden dreams’, but who’s here to make fun of me?
I was handicapped for Pete’s sake. One working hoof, one useless one dangling at my side sending agonizing pain to my brain. Not exactly the ideal set-up I’ll have you know.
Now, to bring back a little ‘Stanny-Flair’, have a small psychological insight related to my plight and failed solutions, as per the norm.
*ahem*
Desperation.
It’s amazing what this small feeling will do to a person. I mean, sure, it comes hand in hand with other feelings such as pain, stress, guilt, etcetera; but seriously, the things a person may try to do in order to rid themselves of this feeling is really quite amazing.
To put this in perspective: My sides and waist are bruised and scratched, my back feels like it was folded like a gum-wrapper, the pants are now effectively ruined and not only because of the urine, and finally, my arse was chafing like none other.
Now, to put this perspective into perspective via narration.
In the small clearing behind the bush, realizing my hoof-related predicament, I began to panic. With my good hoof, I pathetically and painfully tried to slide the pants off my legs in all too forceful of a fashion.
Hooves, unfortunately, aren’t exactly ‘smooth’ nor are they ‘soft’. The only fruits of my labor were some severely bruised sides and some slight skin loss. For the sake of painting a picture, let’s call these ‘fruits’ papayas, since those things are just freaking gross.
Though this wasn’t the only reason my sides were in such poor condition. Noooo, I just had to try something else.
Finding the lowest hanging branch within the vicinity, I quickly scrambled towards it and began to try ‘snagging’ it to my pants to pull them off. It was a somewhat admirable effort, the closest I had gotten to getting rid of these pants honestly, but beyond some holes, scratches on my legs and waist, and getting something near being inserted into somewhere it did not belong, little actual progress was made.
This leads me to last two attempts, both of which had required me to fall onto my rump.
Now, I’m not a contortionist by any means, I can barely even touch my toes. As you can imagine, trying to pull my pants off with my mouth got me next to nowhere. I tried, I tried really hard to bend my back to get there; almost broke it in the process I’m sure, but I still didn’t even get close to that dreadful waistband.
So there I was left on the ground, scooting myself backwards in an even more meager attempt to remove the pants via friction as pained tears began to enter my eyes. Okay, that’s a bit overly dramatic. I wasn’t crying, but I might as well have been, given my pathetic expression: Dull lifeless eyes with a gaping mouth? Totally worthy of a Calvin Klein magazine I’m sure, God knows I was dressed for it.
Isn't life just grand?
"Uh! Uh! Ahhhhh..."
That vocalization was unwanted and unnecessary. I'd like to offer an apology if I may.
Good news is that I pretty much came back to planet... whatever this is. Apparently Equestria is just a country.
Oh! Right, off track.
Good news is that I pretty much came back to planet pony after that little episode, specifically at the climax.
"Oh damnit."
Gingerly, I put my good hoof to the pants to see just how bad it was. Gross, yes. Ineffectual, that too. But let's be honest here, you all would have done it.
Needless to say, it did next to nothing.
Allowing a quick little eye roll directed towards myself, I slowly began to get back up, sending a quick little whiff of-
"Wooo!" I stood up and waved a.. urine-covered hoof in front of my nose to diffuse the scent... Like a moron. "Well crap."
'Now what?'
It was clear that to preserve my dignity, I couldn't exactly waltz back into Ponyville coated in... Bleh. Plus my arm was still pretty borked. Okay, very borked. But seriously, I'm pretty sure that Twilight already thought pretty little of me, I wasn't about to tell her that I wet my pants.
Regardless, I began to backtrack to the lake, cradling my arm all the while. The thing had been whipping around limply pretty much the entire time I was sprinting into the forest, doing something like that'll come back to bite you in the arse. Every step sent a small burst of pain shooting up the limb.
On my way out, however, I swear to God that I heard a rustle of leaves. And then a gasp. And then a gagging noise.
Usually, I'd pass it off as hearing things, but come on; all three of them in quick succession? Blasphemy I say.
I froze as a blush came over my face.
"A-anyone there?"
The forest was dead quiet once more. I allowed myself a few moments to look around before starting my stumbling walk back up, at a much faster pace of course.
I was more embarrassed than afraid for my life. I mean sure, there were some crazy creatures here; Fluttershy’s scorpio-cat-o pal nearly gave me a heart attack the first time I saw him, but to be eaten while coated in urine? That would just be terrible for the both of us. Plus all that would be left would be a pair of pee-soaked pants. That's almost like dying a second time just from the embarrassment.
Wincing with every jostling step, the sun began to show through the foliage and I soon found myself back at the lake. A small smile found its way onto my face as I stepped to the lake's edge... And waded into the water.
Okay stop judging me, I had to get clean somehow!
If that meant being that one party pooper that lets loose in the pool, then just deal with it; I didn't exactly have another choice now did I? Besides, I was suffering too. Think about my arm here people, that thing freaking hurt.around it at the very least.
Though I felt a little less guilty about that when compared to-
‘Poor fish...’
I looked down into the clear water, now up to my neck, as the fish dispersed away from me. Whether this be from my presence or ‘presence’ was still to be determined.
Weird how I actually felt worse about the fish as compared to the possibly innocent foal jumping into the lake, but maybe Fluttershy is rubbing off on me.
...
Rephrase: Maybe Fluttershy is subliminally teaching me animal empathy.
That or angst towards certain ponies was holding me back.
Take your pick.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t exactly swim around without crying out in pain, so I was pretty well stuck just soaking there. Not the best way to clean one’s self, but you know how it is.
Actually you probably don’t...
Screw you, ya lucky bastard.
Allowing myself several minutes to... ferment and enjoy a lovely mixture of pleasure from the sunshine and pain from my arm, I soon started making my way back to shore. Where...something was waiting for me, oddly enough.
On the side of the shore, just out of reach from the small puddle I had made, was a small brown bag, like the kind you’d bring to an elementary school. I stepped before it, drip-drying, and brought my gaze up to look around the lakeside.
“Hello?”
An echo and a slight ruffling of leaves from the wind met my ears, but otherwise there was no reply.
I furrowed my brows, but still reached down to try and pick up the bag. Fact of the matter is that I never really learn... but at the very least, I could stay on my hooves pretty well; grabbing the bag on the other ~~hand~~ hoof...
"Come on, come on, come on-"
I prodded the bag with my hoof, the hope that it would stick like glue in the forefront of my mind, but as you can imagine, I had no such luck. Letting out an exaggerated sigh, I pushed the bag against my hoofoot and started to shimmy it up my leg until I could balance the bottom on top of my hooved arm.
I carefully brought it to my face, but... well, I couldn’t open the freaking thing. And so I did the next best thing, I buried my face into the opening to see what was inside. The sudden flash of purple hurt my eyes, but when my vision cleared, I found myself staring at a luminescent purple cupcake.
Why was it glowing you may ask? Screw everything I used to know on Earth, that’s why.
Ordinarily, I would’ve tossed the radioactive plague miles away from me, but the smell... oh God the smell...
I could recognize a Pinkie Pie cupcake any day of the week, and not by sight, but the scent... it was smushed, yes, it was glowing, yes, but you’ve never had a Pinkie-cake before. For a week there, I may have had a small love affair with the things. Okay, maybe not so small.
Fine, maybe so much so that Fluttershy cut me off from them entirely. No no, she didn’t overpower me or anything, but Twilight sure as hell did. I must’ve gained five pounds that week...
It was absolutely fantastic.
Upon this revelation, I swiftly removed my head from the opening and started ripping open the bag to gain access to the culinary delight, a grin adorning my features all the while. Not with my hands, oh no, I didn’t have any; but with my teeth and jaw. Like a ravenous canine, I came down upon that bag with a terrible vengeance, and soon my mouth was filled with a papery taste, the ground was littered in paper flakes, and there was a fantastic looki- *ahem* smelling cupcake resting on my hoof.
I can’t honestly say what happened next.
I blanked out for a moment there; when I came to, the cupcake was gone and I was stricken with sadness.
“Gosh dang it! Every time...”
Yeah, the cupcakes may be fantastic, but I was able to enjoy very few of them unfortunately. I don’t know what sort of eating instinct lies within me, but I don’t have to like it.
And in this entire span of time, I didn’t once think of my arm; I didn’t once think of the weirdness of the random cupcake; I didn’t once take a good look around me.
Pinkie waited in the bushes in the treeline, watching Stan wade happily into the lake. She was slightly disgusted by what she had found... and smelled in the forest, but honestly, she could look past that little 'incident' for her soulmate. After all, she had met stallions who had wet themselves, it wasn’t entirely rare.
Then again, she was volunteering at the local nursing home whenever those occurrences... occurred...
Regardless, she had high hopes that it was a one-time deal.
Her train of thought was knocked out of whack as she heard a splash and saw Stan rising out of the lake. Her heart began to race as he stepped out of the lake and inspected the bag at its edge. She grinned when he grinned
Honestly, the mare was probably near death by the time the man had unveiled the cupcake, having her heart go at that rate for so long couldn’t be good for her.
With a smirk, she watched him messily devour the cupcake; letting out a near silent “Yes!” as he finished.
She had no idea how long it would take for the potion to take effect, but as the human walked away with one hoof scratching his back, she hadn’t been happier in a long time.
“Twilight! Twilight, are you there?”
“Stan?”
The sound of padding getting closer to the door met my ears, thoroughly confusing me.
“HANDS!!”
“LYRA, BE QUIET!”
‘Lyra?’
The padding soon stopped and the doorknob turned, though strangely it wasn’t coated in a purple aura. Soon, a small purple unicorn, almost exactly how I left her, was greeting me with a grin.
“Stan! I’m so glad to see you!”
“Twilight! I’m glad to see you too!” I propped up my busted arm on my other one with a wince. “Fix it!”
Oh how I love false enthusiasm.
Her grin faded and an unamused look took over her muzzle.
“Really? Again?”
I faked a miffed look.
“Oh please, you’re just as bad as I am. Just look at your-... Uh, Twilight? Why do you still have hands?”
She almost looked confused for a moment, but shot her head up in realization after a moment.
“Oh! Right! You see-”
“And why are they wrapped in gauze?” Her eye twitched. “Right, continue.”
“As I was saying, I’ve found these ‘hands’ of yours to be a lot more useful than I had originally-”
“HANDS!!!”
Twilight turned her head and shouted up the steps.
“Lyra! I swear to Celestia!”
“Lyra as in-”
She brought her gaze back towards me.
“Heartstrings, yes.”
“Uh... I feel like I should already know the answer, but why?”
“It’s a long story. Wait...you know her?”
“Yes, and it’s a longer story I’m sure.”
She looked conflicted for a moment, as if deciding whether asking me was worth it or not. Fact of the matter was that it wasn’t; I wasn’t going to tell her crap.
Making a decision, she shook her head and turned around to face the steps, soon gesturing for me to follow.
“Could you come upstairs with me?”
‘Smart mare.’
“Will you fix any other broken bones I’ll get if I fall?”
She merely rolled her eyes at me and started up the steps. I followed after.
“So as I was saying, though I’m not so sure about the feet things, these hands of yours are quite a bit more useful than I had originally thought. After a few... attempts at getting rid of them, I finally stopped and viewed them from a more... scientific standpoint.”
“So you picked something up.”
She stopped at the top of the steps.
“How did you- Ugh, yes. But being able to wrap your... fringers around a beaker... around a test tube... It’s just so right. Magic is great and all, but it almost feels like-”
“Cheating? Oh, and they’re called ‘fingers’ for the record."
“Stop finishing my thoughts please, it’s really throwing me off.”
“Right, sorry.”
She started back up, and soon we were before her bedroom door.
Let me just put into perspective how odd it was seeing her rear up on her ‘feet’ and grab the doorknob. It was like a walrus playing hopscotch with the Tasmanian Devil. It just didn’t fit the three foot tall pony in front of me.
“HAND- W-where am I?”
“Not falling for it Lyra.”
I followed her into her room, where she had set up a small chemistry table and a-
“A cage? I mean, don’t get me wrong, that pony deserves a cage, but where in the heck did you get the thing? ”
“Cages and Pages, it was right next to the notebook paper.”
‘Of course it was.’
I absentmindedly put a hoof to my back and began rubbing a rather itchy spot.
“So you told me why you’ve kept them-”
“Temporarily.”
“Right, temporarily, but why the gauze?”
A blush came over her face as she looked away.
‘She didn’t actually-’
“You didn’t really try burning them off did you?”
Silence overtook the room, which was a response in itself.
“Oh my gosh Twilight, you knew I was joking right?”
“Yes!” Which meant no. “But I was desperate, they, they... felt wrong...”
A shooting pain up my arm reminded me of my predicament. I hissed through my teeth and brought the hoof on my back towards the arm.
“Ugh, could you-” I gestured my good hoof towards the arm. “you know?”
Her head shot back up as she looked at me sheepishly.
“Heh, right. Sorry.”
She got into a ready stance as her horn began to glow a vibrant shade of violet, but oddly, it soon dimmed thereafter.
“Uhh... why-”
“Actually, would you mind trying a little-”
“Twilight...”
“What? I’ve been trying to learn a bit of potion-making from Zecora and-”
“Need a guinea pig.” I let out a sigh. “Not like I have much choice now do I?”
“Nope!”
I glanced unamusedly around the room as she got her stuff together.
‘This girl really does love books. I wonder if-’
My gaze passed over the now empty cage.
‘Crap.’
“Uh Twiligh-”
“HANDS!”
I closed my eyes and prepared for impact, but it never came. Only after a few moments of standing there in disbelief, did I finally open them; then I was disbelieving things all the more.
“Not the time Lyra.”
The teal unicorn was struggling inside of Twilight’s lavender aura as the purple pony picked up and set down a multitude of similarly colored liquids with her hands. The crazy mare showed no sure sign of being able to get free.
“Ah! Here it is.”
I continued to stare at the insane, mint mare floating there... With a hint of jealousy. girl made it look sooo easy, I nearly lost a hand to the crazy pony, and she just effortlessly stopped her.
And, as with the trend, I found myself all the more surprised as Twilight reared up and walked , yes walked up to me. Like on two feet. Sure, it was unsteady at best, but the fact of the matter was that she could do it!
Right about then, I was beginning to toy with the ‘diapers on ponies’ idea again. They still show way too much in my opinion.
She stuck a green-filled vial out in front of me.
“Drink this.”
I looked unamusedly at her.
“Oh! Right, sorry.”
The teal unicorn still struggling in the background floated back over to the side of the room and was dropped unceremoniously into her cage; after which, the vial in front of me began to glow and levitate towards my mouth.
“It should be able to fix your arm, the recipe is straight from Zecora, I just haven’t been able to use it yet.”
I still had no idea who Zecora was, and I wasn’t about to admit it to Twilight and get some ridiculous explanation/introduction, but I still allowed the vial to reach my lips.
It kinda tasted like strawberries.
Rotten strawberries.
The emptied vial floated from my mouth as I waited there.
“So how long is this supposed to-”
I let out a pained moan as what I could only assume were my bones, began to shift in my arm. It was fast acting, I had to give her that.
“You were saying?”
“Shut up.”
My arm stopped tingling as a pair of particularly terrible pair of itches found their way onto my back. The timing was just too opportune for me to miss. It’s the itches that you couldn’t scratch before that feel so amazing. Now that I had two working ‘scratch limbs’, well-
“Ahhh...that’s the ticket...”
“Do you want me to leave or-?”
The apparent smart aleck of the day was giggling at my silly, happy expression
“Oh shut up Twilight,” I turned around. “I think I might have a ra-”
“AHHHHH!!!”
“WHAT WHAT!?!”
When a man isn’t supposed to have feathers, he’s not supposed to have feathers; I’m just saying that it’s common sense. When those suckers start to poke through your skin, it itches like a MOFO.
Of course, I had to get the hell out of Twilight’s treehouse on the discovery of those stubby, little feather-covered nubs on my back; I went there to be fixed, not dissected.
That and it was getting late. Sure, I was getting better at the hoof-walking, but I’m sure that walking in the dead of the night would pretty much make all that experience completely worthless. Heck, it was still dark by the time I got back to Fluttershy’s, lucky coincidence I guess.
I walked to the doorstep of Fluttershy’s cottage with the intention of knocking, but the door was already slightly ajar. My brows furrowed as I tilted my head in confusion, but I still took my time before opening the door. Frankly, I had walked in on some weird stuff happening in that house and I didn’t want to make the same mistake again. You do not want to know what Angel does in his free-time.
“Fluttershy are you-”
“Mmmph...”
“Fluttershy?”
I gave the door a slight push and it slowly swung open.
“Sthan?” A weak voice said. “NO NO NO! Don’th look!”
As the door opened and a flash of yellow met my vision, I quickly shut my eyes and put a hoof in front of my face.
“Fluttershy, what’s wrong!?!”
I stumbled through the doorway and amazingly stumbled some more as something suddenly assaulted me. Nothing truly physical no, but rather something extremely smelly that was just reeking throughout the home. I gagged as a mix of something floral, apple-y and alcohol-y met my nostrils.
This was a time where a pair of hands would have done me nicely, if just to hold my nose shut.
A slight shuffling noise to the left caught my attention and I turned towards the source.
“Fluttershy? Are you alright?”
“One sthecond!”
‘She doesn’t sound too fantabulous...’
“Fluttershy, you sound a little-”
“Okay, you canth openth your eyesth now.”
It was clear that she was trying to sound sexy, which frightened me a bit, but the fact that she came off as sounding like she had a mouth full of cotton kinda undid the effect.
Not that it would’ve worked anyways.
I removed the hoof from my eyes and opened my eyelids.
“This better not be some sort of-”
And I quickly regretted doing so
Fluttershy was posing sultrily on the couch, covered in rose-petals and reeking of alcohol. To put ‘sultrily’ into perspective, imagine a dog lying on its back in preparation for a belly rub.
Yeah, that.
Now imagine this dog as a yellow equine with a more... developed anatomy.
Now stop imagining it, you’re making me uncomfortable.
“Fluttershy...”
I tried to be mad, confused or even disgusted, but all that could really come to my head was a sense of pity...
And oddly sympathy.
“Shtan! Mmm reddy fer yooo...”
“Fluttershy please...”
Her eyes shot back open as she let out a rather loud hiccup. She smiled and made a ‘come here’ gesture with her hoof.
I looked at the coffee table, a pair of scissors, an empty bottle and a set of stems from the now ruined rose bouquet on its surface.
I pursed my lips and took a step towards the pegasus.
“Oh Sthan, I knew you’d- Ooo~”
I struggled to heft the the pegasus into my arms and cradled her to my chest, allowing the plethora of rose petals fall to the ground around me.
“Please shut up Flutters.”
She hummed in response and clung herself to my chest, her tail wrapping itself around my waist. I took a few steps towards the stairs as the pegasus began to quietly snore in my grasp, a small smirk finding its way to my face from the noise.
She was an attempted rapist, sure; she was a microphiliac, yeah; but I’ll be damned if she wasn’t adorable.
I shakily made my way up the staircase, something that probably should’ve woken the poor girl up, but she remained quietly against me without complaint.
We soon- well, I soon found myself before her open bedroom door. Call that an even luckier coincidence, not sure what the hell I would’ve done if it were closed. Anyways, I slowly and quietly walked inside to place her carefully on the bed.
Something that would’ve been a helluva lot easier if she weren’t clinging onto me like a fat guy to a jar of jellybeans.
“Come on, come on-”
She moaned in protest as I extricated her limbs from my torso, but still remained asleep as I set her on the bed.
I took a step back from the bedside and took her in.
Her frazzled mane, her messy feathers, her... drool. I know that there are times of weakness in a man, this was surely one of mine, but I had never felt such a feeling towards the girl before.
I didn’t quite know what to call it exactly, pity, hunger- okay not that, but regardless it confused me.
Before I knew what I was doing, I lowered my head to the mare and placed a small innocent peck on her forehead.
“Sweet dreams Fluttershy.”
I slowly turned and walked from the room.
In a nearby bush, looking through a pair of binoculars into Fluttershy’s uncurtained window was a very distressed Pinkie Pie. She had originally planned to see how far Stan was in the ‘transformation’ but when she saw Fluttershy covered in red petals on the couch, she stayed to watch the proverbial fireworks. Not the ‘fun’ ones, but the ‘angry’ ones.
Ones, that never came.
As she saw the man pick up the small pony into his arms and walk up the stairs, she quickly shifted her focus to the bedroom window on the second floor.
It seemed innocent enough at first, he set her in bed and tucked her in, but what followed near broke her heart...
When Stan kissed Fluttershy.
Tears came to the pink pony’s eyes as she took the binoculars from her eyes and tossed them away with far too much force. Gritting her teeth, the pony looked away from the cottage, trying and failing to hold back an an intense anger and disappointment from taking over her being.
Trying and failing to keep her hair puffy and happy.
“Damn it Fluttershy... Celestia damn it Fluttershy...”
Author's Note
Whelp, this chapter has been done for a week now. I didn't want to post it un-fixed, so I waited a while.
Between graduation, the party, extended family staying over; I haven't had much time as of late. Good news is that I look d*** sexy in my senior pics, but I digress. Now it's summer, I'm a free man and will have plenty of time to... find a job.
Anywho, my dream is to wrap up this fic by summer's end, though I don't know if that'll happen or not. I started 'Letters from the moon' as I'm sure you know, AND I started another 'secret' comedy fic that probably won't see the light of day for a while. But I'm really loving it already.
Thanks:
To AliCentaur Br0ny for doing a great job prereading this for me and staying up willingly in the wee hours of morn' doing so.
And to reduce butt-hurt levels, here's my thanks for HollyHock.
*ahem*
Thanks to the awesome HollyHock for doing an awesome job being awesome and awesomely reading my ~~awesome~~ fic to check for awesome errors.
Awesome.
One last 'hurrah': My favorite tv-show Arrested Development has its fourth season coming out! I'm off the wall excited for this :D (this may or may not cut into my writing time)
-Flutty G out
How are you doing this fine evening/morning/afternoon/night? Me? Well, My day has been pretty good, good being a relative term meaning absolutely terrible. Frankly, I don't know where I am or why I was put here, all I know is that my toilet is apparently not only a portal to the mystical land of human defecation and dead goldfish, but also a portal to another dimension.
I'll offer a much needed explanation in a moment; right now I feel like I need an introduction.
You know what? This is a story. Why am I wasting my time describing something that you could care less about and will forget in a couple of minutes? Time for some puffing.
For all intents and purposes, the part of Stan Von Luxemburg will now be played by Brad Pitt.
Now lets move on to the meat of my tale, shall we?
It was an all too regular morning waking up to my phone’s alarm playing my favorite song; of which I was beginning to grow tired of, but that’s irrelevant.
Anyways, being the lazy pile of garbage that I am, I didn’t even bother opening my eyes before reaching over to the aforementioned phone to attempt to navigate to the snooze function; quite difficult considering the phone was a touch screen mind you. Luckily I was skilled in navigating my dear phone’s screen to the point where finding that snooze function for that precious extra five minutes of sleep had become second nature for me. Of course I’m exaggerating, but I managed to activate the function regardless.
Naturally I wasn’t able to capitalize upon those lovely extra minutes as I felt/smelt a foreign warm, chocolatey breath on my face.
My eyes shot open and what I saw was more than a little surprising. There having a grand old time staring and smirking at my sleeping form was a floating goat head. Unfortunately I’m not lying, I’m fairly sure I’m not crazy and the pain from me hitting my head on the headboard of my bed in surprise basically dismissed any thoughts in my mind that I was simply dreaming. Oh, but this wasn’t any ordinary goat head, it almost seemed as if it were the product of an insane child’s imagination.
The head was that of a goat, but several of its defining features were seemingly from a mishmosh of animals. It had one deer antler and one regular goat horn, it’s eyes were yellow with red irises/pupils, one of which was larger than the other, lastly it had a beard and eyebrows that were much larger than I had ever seen on a goat, they almost seemed to human in nature.
In retrospect, I handled the situation fairly well considering the fact that I didn’t scream bloody murder and was actually able to squeak out a pathetic greeting, even though it came out much more like a question.
“Uhh...H-hello?”
The strange head’s eyes suddenly opened wide in surprise at my greeting before quickly reverting to their previous half-lidded state. It’s smirk grew just a little bit wider as it spoke.
“Oh! A chaotic creature in a chaotic world yet still capable of speaking Equestrian basic. How interesting...” The head paused for a moment. “What, pray tell, is your name creature?”
I’ll be honest here, I was scared, but more so pissed off at this...creature that came uninvited into my house, spied on me sleeping and had the audacity to call ME a creature. Maybe I was being a teensy bit hypocritical with the creature comment, but like a lot people out there I am NOT a morning person by any means. My mood was far from favorable at the time.
My fear and confusion were temporarily forced aside by my anger directed towards the floating goat head.
“You’re one to talk, at least I’m not a floating head who stares at sleeping men for kicks and giggles. I’m Stan and I am NOT the creature here, you are. And why are you the one asking questions goat boy, you’re the one invading MY room and defying the laws of physics, if anything is out of the ordinary and worthy of questioning it’s you.” I spoke this with steadily increasing volume.
His face took on an even further amused expression at my angry rant.
“Well well well, you seem to have quite the temper there Stan. Excellent...As for introductions, I’m Discord, a demigod of chaos-” My jaw dropped at his statement. “-albeit a weakened one. I could give you a lengthy monologue about my life, but it would take years and frankly it would be quite boring to both you and I. Anyways, in my current weakened state, I can only make small insignificant changes in the world that produce rather unamusing results, like causing somepony to tip over a candle to set a house on fire for example. Like I said, unamusing.”
Somepony? Where in the hell was this thing from?
“This is where you come in Stan! If I pool all of my current chaotic power into a reservoir I can bring a creature from another dimension to the lovely land of Equestria to spread some much needed chaos. You’ve been chosen from billions of unwilling applicants from your world to become my personal tool of amusement. So what do you say Stan?”
I closed my gaping jaw, giving this so-called ‘god’ a fierce glare as I retorted,
“Not interested.”
The head suddenly burst out laughing.
“You make it sound like you have a choice in the matter!”
I shoved the cackling head out of my face which proceeded to explode into confetti as it hit the ceiling, coating me and my entire room with the colorful paper flakes.
‘I don’t even want to know...’
Cursing whatever deity was out there, I got out of bed, walked into my bathroom and dunked my head in cold water. I had no explanation for what just happened, so I simply chose to pretend that the event never transpired and go about my daily routine at my dead-end cubicle job helping out people too mentally deficient to be able to fill out tax forms on their own. But at least I was getting off early and my work-buds were buying me Mexican for lunch.
“Oh dear god!”
I yelled after bolting through my doorway.
Note to self: Never go to a Mexican restaurant with a name like: ‘Los Pantalones Azules’ which translates to ‘The Blue Pants’ in english.
After a grueling drive home in my old and now stinking pile o’ junk I like to call to call a car, I raced up my steps and jumped through the doorway into my rather inviting restroom. Upon entering, I quickly dropped my pants and *erm* ‘relieved myself,’ I won’t go into details there.
*ahem*
Moving along:
I remained on my throne for a good 10 minutes in the case of any ‘aftershocks.’ (I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about.)
Confident the crisis was averted with no apparent casualties, I tried to stand up only to run into unforeseen difficulties: Somehow I had managed to get myself hopelessly suction-cupped to my toilet; so much so in fact that I was completely incapable of even shifting the slightest bit. I swear, not even a body-builder could have been able to loosen the toilet’s hold on my rear. Groaning in defeat, I pulled my phone from my pocket to google ‘How to get unstuck from a toilet’, when suddenly I felt the power of the suction on me increase.
Impossibly, the toilet was beginning to literally suck me into its depths, somewhere I had absolutely no intention to go. I flailed my arms in desperation, failing to find any handhold as my toilet literally began to grow in size under me to compensate for my larger size to pull me in.
I finally decided that the matter was entirely hopeless and that this was likely a very vivid night terror; honestly I’ve had stranger ones. I let my body go limp as I was quite literally ‘flushed’ down my toilet. I’m sure that anyone seeing a grown man be flushed down a toilet would’ve been falling out of their chairs laughing, I know that I would’ve, this was YouTube viral video material here. Unfortunately, being the victim of this unfortunate circumstance, I was screaming like a little girl all the while until the defiled water filled my lungs, quickly sending me into an unconscious state.
I hate Mondays.
Pain, suffering, misfortune; just to name a few of the feelings going through my head right now, but perhaps I’m being a little over dramatic. Let me try this again:
*Ahem*
My head feels like an overinflated balloon, my legs and arms, not faring any better, could likely be contrasted with being hit by a sledgehammer on the knee and elbow joints and completely bent in the wrong directions, not to mention that I couldn’t even feel my hands and feet.
After a few minutes of wallowing in self-pity, I finally managed to crack open my eyes; yet all I saw was grass and a sunny stretch of plains.
‘I’m in a freaking meadow!?! This is anticlimactic AND outright impossible. I sleep soundly at night knowing that sewage isn’t dumped into lush, green meadows.’
There wasn’t a heck of a lot I could do considering my apparently mutilated body, so I simply laid there taking in the soothing sights and sounds, though I will admit that I was cursing up a storm in my head.
‘Well, this place is quite calming and at least the pain in my body is...gone?’
My mind was racing as I laid there in disbelief, how can my body be COMPLETELY mutilated yet I feel no pain whatsoever?
I had two explanations for said occurrence:
Miraculous recovery
Or (Far more likely) The pain is so intense that my brain is rejecting it.
Well, only one very possibly painful way to find out.
I tried bending my leg, with mixed results that nearly gave me a heart attack; my leg could bend just fine but... only forwards in the wrong direction. My mind by this point was pretty much done, the stress, the pain, or lack thereof, and complete bizarreness of the situation was really weighing it down.
Instinctually, I turned my head to take a look at my body. My eyes widened and my brain came back alive with only one thought playing over and over like a broken record:
‘What in the hell is this?’
In the place of my previously humanoid body was the body of a gunmetal grey…horse?
‘…’
I like to consider myself a pretty intelligent person, even in stressful situations, so being aware that attempting to scream while being a horse would likely lead to an intense amount of pain as my underdeveloped vocal cords would be under huge strain, I did what I know horses can do: I stood up, began to whip my body around, neighing, whinnying and bucking up a storm.
I continued to do so for a good 10 minutes, as I could have likely been considered certifiably insane at the time, that was until I heard a quiet voice behind me.
“Umm…excuse me s-sir, b-but may I ask what you’re d-doing?”
I quickly whipped around to find the source of the voice, only finding a pastel yellow horse with dimensions not dissimilar to my own, giving me a concerned gaze with her large teal eyes.
I blinked and shook my head for a moment.
Not finding anything that could have spoken behind me, I passed it off as me hearing things.
That was until I saw the freaking horse open its mouth to speak using that quiet voice.
"Are you a-alright s-sir?"
I stared in disbelief at the apparent female and noticed her very human bubble gum pink hairstyle with matching tail and...wings?
“...”
Unable to take the sheer impossibility of the situation, I promptly fainted on the spot.
Author's Note
Feedback is always appreciated!
P.S. He's obviously a pony next chapter. Don't shoot me just yet, it's just temporary.
Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong WILL go wrong.
In my opinion, I just recently disproved this rather famous theory. To clarify: everything that could go wrong went wrong; it’s just that things that were previously considered impossible, and thus couldn’t go wrong, went wrong as well.
Namely:
Prior to being sucked down my toilet, I was a human, now I am a small horse.
I was sucked down my toilet.
Making contact with another of this apparently “advanced” species of horse, I learned that we are capable of speech and sentient thought.
But enough about this so called “law” I bet you all are wondering what happened after I made first contact and...Admittedly fainted in a rather pathetic fashion.
-Some time ago-
I woke up from a rather disturbing nightmare; involving being crushed under a yellow monster, with a feeling of warmth next to me. I wasn’t keen on opening my eyes at the time so I tried to feel what this source could be, that was until I remembered the situation I was in and realized that I didn’t have hands.
Letting out a quiet groan, I tried to gather my thoughts.
‘Let’s see, I’m a horse. Check. A horse capable of speech.’
I quietly whispered a couple of choice curse words.
‘Check.’
I continued on through my mental checklist until I heard a small sigh from right next to me. I tensed up as my eyes shot open, revealing an unfamiliar wooden ceiling. I slowly turned my head and noticed a calmly sleeping winged horse lying right next to me.
For the sake of not having to constantly say “winged horsey” and sounding like a complete moron, I shall refer to her as “Butter Butt” referring to her butter-colored coat and trinity of butterflies on her...Flank, if I recall horse anatomy correctly.
Moving on.
I proceeded to calmly tap her on the side to wake her up and question why she was lying next to me.
By calmly tapping her side I mean I screamed my head off, causing her to jolt awake.
I then, being the complete genius that I am, jumped up and off the bed, of which I didn’t realize I was laying on, and landed right on my head, once again sending me into an unconscious state.
It’s times like these that REALLY make me hate my life.
For the THIRD time that day I woke up after another bout of being knocked out; although this time to outside stimuli, a gentle poking on my side and a quiet voice yelling:
“Sir! Sir! Are you alright?”
I’m sure you noticed the oxymoron I just used, “a quiet voice yelling.”
Clarification: The quiet voice WAS yelling, however, due to the voice being quiet in nature, the yelling sounded much more like a regular person’s “conversational voice”
Anyways, my eyes flew open and I quickly jumped to my hooves, soon locating the possible hostile in the vicinity; I gave the mare a harsh glare.
Given the circumstances of me being conscious, lacking the possibility of falling unconscious again, I finally had a chance to get a good look at her:
She, as I’ve noticed before, had a pastel/butter yellow colored coat with a cascading bubblegum pink hair-do (mane-do?) Her tail was of the same coloring with a similarly cascading style and appeared to be much longer than my own, actually managing to touch the floor.
After gazing at her tail for a moment, I then got a much better look at Butter Butt’s err… “butter butt.” As prior mentioned, there was a trio of butterflies with cyan bodies and pink wings on each flank.
My eyes then went to her face and I realized something unusual. Her body, while clearly equine, was far different than that of a real horse and her face seemed far more…Expressive and cartoony as well. I stared right into her large teal eyes, but not without noticing a slight blush on her face.
Don’t ask me how an animal can blush through its coat, it just did, considering my situation it wasn’t the strangest thing to happen that day.
She opened her mouth to speak:
“Umm...W-why are you staring at me?”
By that point I realized that considering the sentient thought of the horse, their society likely has similar cultural norms and taboos. And I was just staring at her “butt” just moments earlier.
My confident bravado quickly vanished as my pupils shrank and I quickly uttered a sea of apologies.
“I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!”
At this she seemed stunned for a moment before giving me a soft smile.
“It’s alright, but if you don’t me asking, what is your name.”
I quickly gathered myself and responded.
“My name is Stan, pleasure to make your acquaintance.”
I then held out my hoof for a hand-shake, but soon mentally face-palmed as I realized this gesture would likely be unknown to the girl. To my surprise she gripped my hoof, and shook it daintily. Again, not going to even try to explain the impossibility.
“That’s a strange name…”
Realizing her rude comment, she quickly shot a hoof to her mouth and almost suddenly appeared to remember she was shy, as she hung her head and took a step back from me.
Now usually such a comment would offend me and I would offer an appropriately rude response, however something about this girl was just so…disarming. After seeing her response after she realized what she said, my heart melted and I felt compelled to comfort her.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, Stan IS a strange name, and I get that a lot.”
For the record, it really isn’t and I really don’t.
She finally managed to look up at my smiling face through her bangs and murmured something inaudible.
“…m…fl…y”
“I’m sorry, what was that?”
The volume, although just barely audible, still was enough for me to hear her clearly the second time around.
“I’m Fluttershy…”
Drat, well no more referring to her as Butter Butt.
“And I’m really sorry for calling your name strange...”
I merely smiled at her,
“Don’t worry about it, but if I may ask, why were you sleeping next to me?”
She froze as a deep blush spread across her face; she managed to stutter out a response.
“Y-you were sh-shaking in y-your s-sleep and I th-thought you were c-cold so I t-tried to warm y-you up by…”
Seems legit, I was having a nightmare after all. That explained the sleeping situation, and judging by her blush I can safely assume that it’s a personal act to sleep with another here as well, cementing my theory on their societal norms.
Then I finally remembered that I was in an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar…horse. How did I get here, am I some genetically altered super horse? Now was the time to get answers.
“Well thank you for caring about my well-being Fluttershy, but how did I get here and better yet, where am I?”
I stopped myself from asking about my current species, knowing that she would likely think of me as an insane person…err..horse.
“Well after I found you in the meadow behind my cottage…Umm…having a mental breakdown and…fainting, I carried you to my home so you could get some rest.”
I was impressed by her ability to carry me, but that didn’t manage to dash away any of the embarrassment I felt considering she had to do so.
Darn it, I’m off topic again.
Anyways, I took a good look around the room noticing her bed and the window next to it, looking out I noticed we were on the second story of her house. I also noticed that the meadow I was in before was just visible about a quarter mile from the window, how I failed to notice the house before is beyond me.
“Am I near a town of any sort?”
“Oh yes, I only live about a mile away from Ponyville so my animal friends don’t distract the other ponies going about their business.”
PONIES! I knew it was only a matter of time before I learned what I was, however that doesn’t answer the question of her having wings…Ehh, that’s future Stan’s problem.
‘ Wait..animals? ’
Glancing around the room again, I saw a few choice pieces of architecture that I failed to notice before: Bird houses hanging from the ceiling, mouse holes in the walls and a doggy door on the…door. I noticed some birds in the houses staring at me with curiosity.
“That’s very…nice of you to take care of these animals, but do you know anyone that can help me get my bearings, I’m kind of lost…”
Thinking I was beyond help sure didn’t stop me from asking, I considered pulling the “I don’t remember anything” card, but considering how much money I’ve lost playing poker, I decided it wasn’t playing to my strengths.
“Sure! I have a friend up at the library that can help you out, she’s a unicorn and really smart, but it’s getting kind of late, maybe you should see her tomorrow.”
Normally I would’ve noticed her sudden exuberance and questioned her about it, however one word caught my attention: “Unicorn.”
Where in the hell was I? A land filled with mythological talking ponies?
I tried and only just managed to remain calm. Despite my lengthy amount of time I spent unconscious that day, I REALLY needed to take a nap and collect my thoughts.
“I h-hope you don’t mind me asking, but can I sleep here for the night, I’m really tired and have nowhere else to go…”
I just barely kept nervous stutter in check, but I’m fairly sure my facial expression was far from calm and collected.
“Oh sure, the guest room is just down the hall.”
I nodded and turned, but noticed something strange about the whole situation.
“If the guest room is down the hall, was I sleeping in your room, in your bed?”
A nervous look flashed quickly across her face so quickly that it was almost imperceptible by me.
“The uhh…guest room was dirty so I uhh…cleaned it before getting...into…bed…with…you…”
I would’ve inquired further, but frankly I was no longer in the mood, so I shrugged (or tried to) and trotted towards the door. Finding out how to open it without hands was…different to say the least, I managed to do so, but not without completely slobbering all over the knob. Hopefully I didn’t look too strange to Fluttershy.
After another embarrassingly slobbery door opening, this time with the guest room door. I walked into my temporary place of rest. I took a look around and noticed a mirror on top of a dresser; I decided maybe it would be in my interest to actually know what I look like.
I looked into the mirror and took my new appearance in.
Staring back at me was a gunmetal grey stallion with electric blue eyes, my trademark unkempt brown hair, plus a slightly spiky brown tail. I noticed that I too had a butt tattoo, although mine appeared to be a silhouette of a man walking, likely myself. I decided to ask Fluttershy what exactly these were tomorrow, hopefully in a non-suspicious manner.
Finished with my self-inspection, I climbed into bed, not even bothering with the covers considering my lack of hands.
I fell into a deep sleep.
Author's Note
Feedback is appreciated!
Chapter Fifteen: Skittle Seduction
*Thwack*
Another tree bucked and cleared of its spoils courtesy of a very tired and conflicted orange earth pony. She had bags under her eyes for lack of sleep though it really wasn’t her nightmares that kept waking her up at night, it was her dreams.
She trotted around the tree to where one of her bushels lay and lowered her head to pick it up. Unfortunately for the pony, her exhausted body read this as a small moment of respite and was quick to take advantage for some much needed shut eye. As soon as her mouth closed around the handle, her eyelids drooped and she began to doze off.
“Applejack, you naughty mare.”
Her bloodshot eyes shot open as she scanned everywhere within her immediate view of the orchard for the disembodied voice. Again, even the fifteenth time of hearing it and scanning around, she found herself completely and totally alone. Gritting her teeth, she mentally scolded herself as she picked up the bushel and balanced it on her back.
“Oh Applejack, you aren’t helping yourself here; it’s the spineless ones that I go for. If you really want me then you need to stop working out that back of yours. ”
Applejack merely narrowed her eyes and continued to trudge along the path. She recognized the voice and what would happen if she listened to it; the last thing she wanted to do was drop her bushel in favor of having a dirty-
"Consarnit!"
Her mind flooded with suggestive mental images; her only protection being her slight power over the appearance of the characters within them. Needless to say, she found her head filled with several images of her in intimate positions with a giant dirty-mouthed apple.
She involuntarily shuddered, unbeknownst to her causing the bushel to tip slightly on her back. The further jostling from her tired, hoof-dragging walk was more than enough to completely dislodge the container. By the time she noticed this development happening behind her, it was too late. She turned her neck suddenly in a desperate attempt to catch the bushel as it fell, but this only ended in her joining the apples as she knocked her forehooves into each other, effectively tripping herself.
She hit the ground hard, losing her hat in the process, too tired to make any attempt to catch it or herself. She just lay there with half lidded eyes as the apples, now likely bruised, rolled around her. One particularly shiny apple rolled in front of her muzzle, catching a slight bit of sunlight on its waxy coating to give Applejack's reflection an almost angelic glow. She stared at the image of herself as a small smile found its way onto her muzzle.
"Now that is a mighty good lookin' apple."
"But not as good looking as the mare it's reflecting."
Applejack's eyes widened as her image morphed and distorted on the apple's skin until it resembled the face of somepony- or rather someone she hoped not to see that day. She subconsciously ran a hoof down her mane to straighten it for no one in particular as she glared at the smiling image of the human in the apple.
"Don't talk fancy to me, I hate you and everything you've done to me and my friendship with Fluttershy."
"Do you hate me? Swear it on the deed to your precious orchard and I promise that I'll leave you alone."
A bead of sweat ran horizontally down the pony’s forehead and dripped onto the dirt path.
"D-Don't think that I won't!"
"I don't think that you won't," Applejack relaxed a bit. "I know that you won't."
Applejack stood up clumsily and stared down the apple in front of her and the image upon it. She dangled a hoof above it as the face continued to smile at her. Suddenly her hoof dropped and the apple flattened with a sickening squelch, spraying her foreleg with the sticky juices.
She let out an exhausted sigh and turned her head to the right to take a look down the path. Framed by the freshly emptied trees around the worn walkway was a trail of crushed apples and wet hoofprints leading to her current position.
Her gaze was brought down to her dirty and sticky forehooves as she let out another sigh.
It had been like this ever since yesterday when Stan tricked her into streaking through Ponyville. She didn't know how or why, but the image of the infuriating human wouldn't leave her head.
She was always a leader; a voice of reason within her friendship circle, but Stan just stripped it all away with his presence. Ponies always thought of her as the tomcolt of the apple family, especially with that brother of hers. Stan and his constant degradation made her feel less like a stallion and more like a dependent mare.
And she craved that about him.
She shook her head to clear the thought away and picked up her hat. She knew what she needed to do; the only way to rid her head of an idea was to buck it forwards backwards and sideways, just like her Granny Smith used to tell her.
Although Granny Smith meant something else entirely with that advice, Applejack saw it the way she wanted to see it: As an opportunity.
With renewed vigor, Applejack began to pick up the bruised apples around her. One of these days she had to make a plan to get Stan alone and away from that pegasus friend of hers.
“Stan! Could you come into the kitchen please? I mean, If you don’t mind that is.”
I rolled my eyes and stood up from the couch, handing my wooden remote to the bunny sitting next to me. I don’t know why he started partaking in this stupid pleasure of mine, but I wasn’t going to complain; the company was nice and he seemed to be enjoying himself.
I’ll admit that I freaked out a little bit when he laughed at the same imaginary bits that I did, but again; Pony-Land and all that gamma ray/magic garbage.
I walked into the kitchen and saw the butter-yellow pegasus going about her business tidying the kitchen. She was zippy and precise as she flew about the room moving dishes in the cupboard and whatnot, but despite just calling me, she was completely oblivious to my presence.
Leaning against the door frame, I watched her go with a smile. Honestly, I was starting to grow fond of the girl and her mannerisms.
You know what? I totally phrased that wrong; I was beginning to like her.
Okay, screw you, you knew what I meant the first time around. I didn't like like her, but I did in fact like her.
Screw you and explanations.
I cleared my throat to get her attention, making her wings suddenly freeze as she fell to floor with a *meep!*. She sat on the floor with her head lowered and an eyeball peeking out at me from behind her mane.
"You needed me for something?"
"Oh!" She lifted her head up. "Umm... I was just wondering if you'd mind going out to pick a few things up for me."
"So you need me to go grocery shopping?"
"I'm so sorry! I never should've asked, forget I said anythi-"
"Sure, I'd love to get some fresh air. Watching too much TV is bad for you anyhow."
"Umm what's TV-"
"So what do you need me to get?"
She blushed and flew up and over to the counter. I followed and peeked over her to see her writing a list with a pen in her mouth. I don't know how that's possible, but it was gross and sure as hell limited what I could use to write; there was no way in hell I was using any of their slobber-soaked writing utensils.
'Okay, carrots, lettuce, rose petals- wait why?' I shook my head to lose the thought. 'flour, chicken feed- oh great, those will be fun to lift back here. Gauze, aloe leaves...'
"Is that it?"
She jumped in surprise at my voice and turned around suddenly, sending the saliva-coated pen straight at my forehead. Unfortunately I wasn't part cat, therefore my reaction rivaled that of a two toed sloth. I furrowed my brow as the pen made impact and felt the saliva streaking down my face.
"Oh I'm so sorry!"
She looked left and right for a towel or napkin of some sort, but for some strange freaking reason there was none in sight. She obviously needed to learn something about keeping stock.
You may recall me calling this mare intuitive, taken from context: 'quite intuitive when she allows herself to be.' She's intuitive alright, but also awkward as hell. Clearly with the idea of 'an eye for an eye' in her head, she flew up to eye-level with me and cleaned the spit off my face by nuzzling her face against my forehead.
That's all fine and dandy; awkward and weird but effective. There was only the problem of her not stopping.
"Mmmm..."
"Uh, Fluttershy?"
I took a step back but she kept her head pressed against mine.
"*ahem* FLUTTERSHY!"
"Hmm? Oh!" She suddenly pulled away. "I’m sorry!"
'Someone's awfully affectionate.'
"Yeah yeah, it's fine whatever." Better not to dwell on it, I can only blame myself for encouraging her with that date anyhow. "So the list?"
She gave me a sheepish smile before flying over to the counter where the list lay to pick it up. She flew it back over and deposited it in my hand.
"So uhh... Where exactly do I find all this crap?"
"Oh! Umm... Let me write that down."
She lowered her head to pick up the now dirty pe-
"DON’T!" I called out, stopping her an inch from the pen. "Pick. That. Up."
I gently pushed her away and bent over to pick up the pen. Sure, pinching it with two fingers ended up looking a bit more dainty than I would have liked, but there was no way that I was going to let her use her mouth to pick the dirty thing up. What if one of these days she decides to kiss-
...
Nothing, I didn't say a freaking thing.
“I’ll just ask around the market, don’t worry about it.”
“O-Okay Stan...Umm, if you see Roseluck I think she'd be willing would help you out.”
“And she looks like...”
‘Something to do with roses probably.’
“Well, her cutie mark is a ro-”
“A rose, got it.” I looked disgustedly at the pen I was holding. “How about I pick you a new pen too.”
“No no no. You don’t have to do tha-”
“Please." I walked over to her garbage can and dropped the pen inside. "I insist.”
I looked at her expectantly, but she just blushed and broke eye-contact.
"Uh, Fluttershy? Bits?"
She jumped a bit and turned to open the drawer behind her. She grabbed a small bag in her mouth and walked it over to me. I reached out and grabbed it from her.
"This should be more than enough. I'm not very good at haggling so I always bring extra..."
"Alrighty then. I guess that I'll be back soon."
I made my way out of the kitchen and towards the front door, but was stopped by a sudden gasp and someone calling out "Wait!".
I turned around to see Fluttershy in the kitchen doorway.
"Please be careful, I don't want you to get hurt."
I absentmindedly put a hand up to my still slightly blackened eye.
'Ouch, no confidence in me whatsoever.'
"I think I can handle myself."
If I hadn't have left so abruptly, I might have seen Fluttershy giving me a worried look.
Life is a b****. I really can’t think of better way to put this. Sure, the whole ‘flushed down a toilet to live in Pony-Land’ thing was impossible for anyone other than me, but honestly, everything else that has, and will likely continue to happen to me... It was like pouring salt in my wounds, and for the record, my wounds were freaking big ones.
The only reason I'm bothering to say that is because of what happened when I made my way into Ponyville.
It just so happened that history decided to repeat itself and drop another heaping scoop of salt in my gaping wound of pride.
I'm sure that I've mentioned my pride before; the lack of it was really starting to get on my nerves.
Not one step into the market, all eyes were on me. Now, this was something I had grown used to in the time I've spent in the quaint little town. I was a bit odd to them after all, plus most of the stares weren't hostile.
Keyword here: Most.
Anyways, it wasn't the stares that bothered me at first . My first and foremost concern at the time was directed towards the trail in front of me, more specifically how rocky and jagged this trail was. You see, after taking a single step into the town, I found myself to be suddenly bowled over by an unknown figure from behind.
Apparently I've grown to be a bit of a cynical bastard while living in this place considering that the only thing I did while falling forwards to my inevitable fate of face planting on the ground was roll my eyes. You'd be surprised at how few things surprised me nowadays, me walking on a path was just tempting fate to screw me over.
"*OOF*"
'Ground-to-face contact in 3...2...1' I impacted, albeit softer that I would've thought. 'Aaaaand I love living...'
I grumbled into the dirt as I felt the stares and heard the snickering of the ponies around me. Suddenly something wrapped around my chest and waist and tried to pull me up, naturally it didn't work.
"Ugh... Stan, you need to lose some weight. I tried to catch ya."
'Is that...'
"Spitty?"
I put my hands on the ground to help prop me up as the force behind me increased. After a fair amount of effort, I made my way back into standing position. I looked down at myself and saw two pairs of blue legs detach themselves from my torso. Oh, and my shirt and pants were largely undamaged, but that's not really important. I needed Rarity to make me another pair anyhow, I couldn't wear this same set of dirty clothes every day.
There was a disgusted snort behind me as the pegasus flew around to my front and turned while floating to me.
"Do you have to call me Spitty?"
She was, for some strange reason, wearing a blue jumpsuit of sorts that really accentuated-
'Woah! Uh... She looks different.'
I was broken from my reverie by a hoof waving in front of my face.
"Equestria to Stan! I asked you a question you know."
"Buh-Deh-uh..." I shook my head. "Sorry, that flank- FALL, I SAID FALL!" She raised an eyebrow at me. "Brain's a bit jumbled up right now, sorry."
She gave me a scrutinizing gaze before smiling and hitting me playfully on the arm.
"S'all right. So how you been?"
"Uhh...Good? Yes good!"
I peeked a look over her shoulder and noticed that the ponies had shifted their gazes away from me entirely; Spitfire was now the center of attention.
"Spitty?" I gestured towards the crowd gathering at a slight distance behind her. "You're getting an audience."
"Surprise surprise..."
Her face suddenly lit up in realization.
"Oh! Right!"
She reached a hoof into her mane and pulled out two silver tickets.
'That's a weird way to carry things.'
"I know that I told you I'd be back here to hang out, buuuut... Life's gotten a little busy on me lately."
"No worries, but" I gestured towards the slips she was holding. "What are those?"
She grinned at me.
"These babies" She waved the tickets in front of my face. "are platform tickets to the next Wonderbolts show in Canterlot."
"Your silly circus group?"
"Ha ha, very funny. Anyways, I wanted to give you a couple so you can see what our 'silly circus group' is all about."
"Why a couple?"
"Well, in case you have a marefriend of course."
I raised an eyebrow at her and gestured towards my body.
"What? You have clothes now?"
I looked disbelievingly at her.
"Kidding!" She raised her hooves up in mock-surrender. "You can never be too careful."
She smirked again and prodded me with her hoof.
"Maybe now's the time to ask somepony out killer."
I crossed my arms and gave her an unamused look.
"Yeah, not doing that."
She rolled her eyes with the smirk still plastered to her muzzle.
"Whatever, just bring a friend then. It's in about a month so you've got some time."
The crowd of ponies had encircled us and were slowly inching closer.
Spitfire floated towards me and put her muzzle to my ear.
"I'm gonna get outta here." She whispered. "I'd rather not spend the day writing autographs."
I shivered involuntarily at the warm breath on my ear and, admittedly, blushed slightly.
She hoofed me the tickets and shot into the air above me.
"See ya Stan!"
She began to fly away before my brain started functioning again.
"Buh-deh *ahem* See ya Spits!"
She froze suddenly in the air about two hundred feet away from me and turned around. I could almost feel her glare glare from where I stood. She turned back around and shot away.
I scratched the back of my head as I watched her go.
'That was odd.'
I brought my gaze back in front of me and saw the crowd looking at me expectantly.
"What are you all looking at?"
Their gazes shifted to the tickets I was holding.
“Wishful thinking.” I stuffed the tickets into my pocket, but they still stuck out slightly. “I don’t even know half of your names.”
“Oh! I’m Carrot Top!”
“Colgate.”
“Berry Punch!”
The voices around me became deafening as the ponies all tried to introduce themselves at the same times.
I ran a frustrated hand through my hair before finally reaching my breaking point.
“Shut the HELL UP!” They all silenced and stared at me. “Look, no offense to you guys, but I’m not taking any of you.”
I closed my eyes and cleared my throat.
“But-”
My shoulders slumped slightly.
“Maybe if I got to know you all better...”
“Rainbow Dash! She was right over here!”
“Where? I don’t see her.”
An orange pegasus filly soon came streaking into the market with Little Miss Rainbow right on her tail.
‘Oh. Well this is just going to be fantabulous.’
It’s not that I didn’t like the mare or anything, she was just a bit...
Okay, I wasn’t a big fan of her, but can you blame me? Beyond her attempting to attack me, sending my face into a bowl of salad and having some very boring conversations in town with me about her ‘latest tricks’ we haven’t really had many interactions.
Well, interesting, non-painful ones that is.
The two ignored me completely as they scanned around the town.
"Who? Stan?"
'And that's my cue to leave.'
I turned around to make my way towards the market, but was almost instantly stopped by Rainbow as she flew in front of me. She was grinning like a madmare, the sickening excitement almost bubbling out of her.
"Did you see Spitfire anywhere around here!?!"
"No."
Her expression fell as she landed on the ground before me and lowered her head. She started to raise it back up to look at me but froze at my midsection. A look of wonder overtook her features as the smile returned full force.
She suddenly shot into the air in front of me and pressed her snout against my nose.
"You have tickets to see the Wonderbolts!?!"
'Her breath smells like skittles.... What the hell is that all about?'
She suddenly dropped back to the ground, grabbed the tickets and flew into the air out of my reach.
"What the- Rainbow Dash, get the hell back down here!"
She completely ignored me as she kept staring at the tickets.
“And they’re to the Wonderbolts’ platform!?!” She held the tickets against her chest and spun around in the air. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”
“RAINBOW DASH!”
She looked over her shoulder at me before spinning around to face me.
“What?”
“You realize that those tickets are mine right?”
She looked conflicted for a moment before something that looked scarily like realization crossed her face.
"And you're taking Fluttershy right?"
I snatched them from her hoof and looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
"Not necessarily, I-"
She shot into the air in front of me and again shoved her snout against my nose.
“Really!?!”
I put a hand against her head and pushed her away.
“-Don’t know if I’m going.”
“What? How could you not go to a wonderbolts show if you have tickets!”
"And just who are you?"
"Well I'm Scoot-"
Rainbow Dash, who had been floating there slack jawed there for a moment, finally spoke up.
"What!?! You have tickets to see the Wonderbolts and you're not even using them!?!"
"Well yeah, it's in Canterlo-"
"I don't give a flying hoof where it is. You're. Going."
"Look Rainbow, I'd love to-" Her eyes brightened in victory. "-but I don't think that a big city like that would be as... Welcoming as Ponyville has been for me. Until that princess of yours invites me with the ‘all-clear’, don't expect me to just drop everything to head to a city completely oblivious to me."
"Then what are you going to do with the tickets?"
"I'll sell them, I'd never give these puppies away from free, they've gotta be worth a pretty penny right?"
She went slack jawed again as she looked at me, suddenly her face took on a red hue as she looked angrily at me.
"Stan! The Wonderbolts are the greatest performers in Equestria and you've got tickets to their platform! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, if you don't go I'll-I'll... I'll kill you!"
I raised an eyebrow at her.
"You don't have any money do you."
She visibly deflated.
"No..."
"Ooh ooh! I do, I do!" The orange filly that had been standing there observing the show started jumping up and down. "I have a whole seven bits! You can have those Rainbow!"
"Uh squirt? That's not enough to even pay the train ticket there- not that I need one with wings and all."
'What is this mare playing at?'
"You want me to take you with me don't you?"
"Pfff-pshh wha?"
"Fine I'll go."
"Like I'd want you to- What!?!"
"Don't know how I will, but that's future Stan’s problem." I parted the two girls. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some shopping to do."
I started to walk off, but soon found Rainbow Dash floating in front of me.
“Stan! That’s so awesome!” She latched herself to me in a hug. “I can’t wait to go!”
I tapped the mare on the shoulder.
“Uhh Rainbow?”
“Hmm?”
“I never said that I was taking you.”
“That’s alright Stan-” She started uncharacteristically quiet as she nuzzled her muzzle- hey, that rhymed!- against my chest. “we can-” She paused for a moment. “WHAT!?!”
She detached herself from me and gave me a harsh glare. I returned a bored look in her direction.
“What was all that nonsense about ‘fine I’ll go Rainbow, you make it sound great!’.”
‘I do not even sound like that.’
“Well, you told me it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
“Well duh! It pretty much is!”
“You convinced me to go, simple as that.” I walked past her. “Now if you’ll excuse me.”
I, again, found her right up in my face.
“No! You’re taking me and that’s final!”
I stuck a pinkie finger in my ear and looked unamusedly at her.
“Look sweetheart, you aren’t exactly helping your case right now. I really do need to get some shopping done.”
“Guys wait for me!”still didn’t know the name of came galloping up to where I was walking with Rainbow floating backwards in front of me.
Rainbow looked over my shoulder at the filly with a conflicted look.
“Uhh, Scootaloo? Don’t you have a CMC meeting today?”
“No Rainbow Dash, you knew tha-”
Rainbow’s look turned desperate.
“I mean umm...Yeah, I better get over to the clubhouse right away!”
“Now what did you do that for-”
“Stan.” She said huskily. Well, more huskily than normal at least. "About those tickets..."
"Can it wait until after I'm done shopping? Flutters is waiting on me you know."
"Oh it can wait, in fact, why don't I help you out?" She landed and started to trot in front of me in the direction of the market. "Just remember" Her hips started swaying exaggeratedly as she walked. "Hooves off the merchandise."
'I can see where this is going.'
“How about you don’t help me and instead hang out with Squirtaloo.”
She stopped and looked back at me.
“It’s Scootaloo, and you heard her, she has a meeting. It's too bad that we don't have a meeting. ”
I rolled my eyes.
“We both know that’s bull.... And what?" She winked at me. "*Sigh* Look, why don’t you just let me go on my merry way and we can talk about this later, okay?”
'Like it'll help her case.'
I walked past her as she stood there looking deep in thought. She suddenly appeared in front of me again, nearly tripping me in the process.
“I actually have some shopping to do too! We can do it together!”
“You just told me that you don’t have any cash.”
“Psh, I can get that lickety split.”
She took off and shot in a seemingly random direction. I watched her go and started walking towards the market. I was thinking that maybe just maybe I could get my shopping done before she got back.
“Four bits!”
“For the last time: the price is seven bits firm! I’m not even haggling!”
I watched the two ponies hissy fitting and the like with a smirk on my face. All this because Rainbow Dash insisted that she could get me a better price on the chicken feed. I didn’t believe her for a second; that Mr. Buy Gok was a stubborn one, but it was worth letting her try just to watch the show.
Buy Gok was an interesting pony; while other ponies had characteristics becoming of their name, I just could not make the connection with him. With his white coat, wings and red mane and goatee combo, he looked like a chicken.
Someone please explain to me what the hell ‘Buy Gok’ has to do with chickens.
I'm getting off topic.
Anywho, as I'm sure you figured out by now, I didn't get my shopping done before Rainbow got back; heck, I didn't even get to the market before she was back. She may be a bit of a boaster, but I'll be damned if it ain't for a reason.
I still didn't believe the whole 'shopping' shindig, but at the very least I could use her help with bringing the groceries back to the cottage. She was wearing these weird... Bags that were connected by a strap slung over her back. I'm tempted to call them saddlebags, but I have this feeling that saddles don't exactly exist here with the whole sentience thing. Regardless of their name, I wasn't complaining, she was carrying everything I'd bought so far anyhow.
And yes, chivalry is dead.
"Stan!" Buy Gok brought me out of my reverie. "Could you please tell your marefriend here that my prices are firm?"
Rainbow seemed taken aback at the whole marefriend thing, but was quick to change her blush into an angry glow. Strangely enough, that anger was gone about as quickly as the blush as she turned to me with a smirk.
"That's one of the few things I don't like firm ."
'Oh God, here we go again.'
Apparently the girl's way of 'flirting' and 'seduction' involve a helluva lot of innuendos. I can't really guarantee that she was trying to seduce me, but with the way she was parading around the market with me behind her.... Well, let’s just say that I've gotten quite a view; far more than normal.
I rolled my eyes at the pegasus and stepped forward to the stand. I pulled out the bag and started counting out bits.
"So what was it again, six bits?"
"Seven."
"Can't blame guy for trying..."
"What was that?"
I set the seven gold bits on the counter.
"Nothing nothing..."
He lowered his head under the stand and brought a medium sized burlap sack up on the counter.
"Now you and your marefriend have a good day."
'Funny how money can flip a man's mood so easily.'
"She's not my marefriend, but whatever." I grabbed the bag, slung it under my arm and turned my head towards the cyan pegasus beside me. "Come on Rainbow, I believe you have some groceries to pick up as well?"
She looked nervous for a moment but managed to force a smile.
"Uh yeah. Umm... What do you have left to get? Maybe it'll jog my memory."
I sighed and pulled the list from my pocket.
"Okay, we've picked up carrots, lettuce, gauze, aloe-"
"Hey Stan, you see those cabbage heads over there all stacked on top of each other ?" I brought my gaze up and indeed saw the cabbage mountain. "We should try that some time."
My eyes were in danger of separating from the optic nerve from over rolling at this point.
"Look. Rainbow, that was just terrible."
She had found her way in front of me again and was swishing her tail around playfully, not taking a look back at me.
"Alright, so all we have left to pick up are some roses and flour." I looked expectantly at the pegasus, who was still trotting along ignoring me. "Anything coming back yet? You haven't bought anything you know."
She stumbled a bit in front of me.
“Uhh...Flour! Yeah flour, that’s what I need.”
It’s funny how people and ponies will go through with a lie with the utmost confidence despite it’s transparency to those around them.
“Okay, we can get that last then. So...Where are the roses?”
An *ahem* to my left brought my attention to a light-beige mare with a two-toned mane consisting of pink and burgundy. She was behind a stand covered with- you know what? Take a wild guess.
I walked over to her with a sheepish smile.
“Hey there sir! What can I get for you today?”
“Well...Some french fries sound pretty good right now” She looked at me disbelievingly. “But considering that this is a rose stand, I don’t think I’ll find that here. I’ll take...A dozen roses?”
“Getting something nice for a pretty marefriend? Perhaps for Miss Fluttershy?”
“How do you know- she's not my-” I let out a sigh. “Look, I’m just picking up groceries, that’s all.”
The mare started grabbing and bundling the roses together. Normally I would have been intrigued on how an un-unicorn, un-pegasus pony would do so, but I was double checking the list Flutters gave me.
“Oh! Wait!” I called out. She stopped bundling the roses. “It’s rose petals that I need, not roses. Sorry about that.”
The bundle dropped to the ground as she stood there with a blush accompanying her shocked expression.
“Err- are you sure?”
Rainbow Dash was parading through the market without a care in the world. She was wondering why Stan had become so quiet all of the sudden, but she chalked it up to him being too focused on the lovely azure flanks in his face.
The thought brought a smirk to her face, she knew that he had a thing for ponies no matter how he protested. He and Fluttershy wouldn’t have...Done the deed otherwise.
‘That Wonderbolt ticket will be mine in no time.’
She caught sight of a gourd and cucumber filled cart in the corner of her eye and her smirk grew all the wider.
“Have you noticed how sooo many vegetables are long and hard?” There was no response behind her, but she continued without a hitch. “Too bad the only thing I want long and hard isn't sold here."
There was still no response behind her.
"Maybe you can help me out with that."
The lack of response this time around really confused her, what stallion in this universe wouldn't respond to a smoking hot mare basically asking for it.
Rainbow Dash totally isn't narcissistic.
She stopped suddenly and looked behind her with confusion on her face.
"Stan?"
The man she had been leading through the market was nowhere in sight; in fact, the only thing in sight was a line of vendors all trying and failing to suppress a bout of chuckles while looking at her.
She blushed furiously in embarrassment.
'That soggy piece of hay! He ditched me!'
"D-did you really mean that?"
A lanky, white earth pony stallion with glasses and a bad case of acne had appeared next to her and was looking at her hopefully.
"Eugh- No! I wasn't talking to you!"
"Well, then who were you talking to?"
He smiled and gestured a hoof around the market; other than the vendors, there was nopony else in the immediate area.
"Well I- I mean me and my-" The stallion was still smiling victoriously. "Just get out of here before I buck you into next week perv!"
She shot her wings out menacingly and glared at the stallion. His confidence vanished and he cowered under her gaze, prompting her to roll her eyes.
"Whatever, I'm outta here."
The pegasus suddenly shot up into the air and flew away, leaving the small stallion cowering there.
'So close...'
Oh Fluttershy... At this point, I really don't know what to make of the girl. After that date, I thought I finally had her down. Next thing I know, she pulls a stunt like this.
You see, roses are one thing. A gift for your beloved to show affection or maybe just to serve as a decoration around the house.
Rose petals are something else entirely.
According to the mare in front of me, they serve as an aphrodisiac of sorts. Now the roses themselves obviously have these petals as well, but given their beauty and utility as a decoration, they're less of a taboo to buy.
Buying rose petals is like buying condoms, it's freaking awkward in the checkout line.
“So...How many do you nee-”
“None.”
The mare looked both saddened and relieved. Frankly, I felt a little bad about it.
“Look, just give me the dozen roses I asked for earlier.”
“You’re not going to take the petals off are you-”
“The petals are not leaving the plant if I have anything to say about it.”
She pursed her lips as if disbelieving me, but picked the still bundled flowers from the ground up in her mouth nonetheless. She held her head out for me to grab them.
“That will be twelve bits.”
I set down the feed and reached into my pocket to pull out the money bag but-
“Stan!”
A sudden gust of wind caught me off guard and sent the bag of bits to the ground, spilling its contents just about everywhere.
“Why did you leave me walking through the market all on my own? I was talking to myself for like five minutes there! Not cool. At all.”
I was crouched on the ground picking up coins at this point. Needless to say, I wasn’t happy in the slightest.
“Look, it’s not my fault that you were too focused on shaking that stupid a** of yours to notice that I was gone.” A sudden realization hit me. “Crap Rainbow! The merchandise!”
I gave up on the coins for a moment and rushed over the pegasus to check the bags she was carrying.
“Why in the hell are you flying around like that when you’re carrying another person’s groceries!”
“You went missing? How else was I supposed to find you!”
“Oh, I don’t know... Walking perhaps?”
Surprisingly, nothing was ruined or lost from the bags. I stood back up and took a step away from the mare.
“Walking!?! Stan, I’m a pegasus, why in the hay would I walk when I could fly!”
“Fluttershy does it just fine, I don’t understand why you can’t; you have four perfectly good hooves right there. Maybe I should take her to the Wonderbolts show.”
“Umm...guys?”
“Go ahead, see if I care!” Rainbow Dash turned away from me and held her snout up. “I wouldn’t want to go anywhere with you anyways!"
“Oh yeah?”
She flipped around to glare at me.
“Yeah!”
"So you're not going to flirt with me anymore?"
"Yeah, that's right!"
"Or kiss my arse."
Her face scrunched up in disgust; I could only assume that meant she suffered through the curse that is mental imagery.
"You can take whoever the the hay you want, I don't care anymore."
She huffed and turned away from me.
"Fine, you can go."
"Stan, I don't care anymore take whoeve-" She froze, ever so slowly turning back towards me. "What did you just say?"
"I said you could go."
"But- You- Me- Fight-"
"Rainbow look, I haven't had a good argument in ages. Every time I try and yell at someo- *ahem* pony, they either don't fight back or I get my a** handed to me. This is refreshing, for once it's not like I'm arguing with a teddy bear or the Hulk, if the Hulk was three feet tall and wore a cowboy hat that is."
Her smile began to appear and grow as I continued on. When I finished, she suddenly shot out at me, the bags slipping off her back and onto the ground from the sudden g-force. I soon found the pegasus wrapped around me in a bone crushing hug.
"Thankyou-Thankyou-Thankyou! This is going to be sick!" She suddenly detached herself from me. "I mean umm... What makes you think that I still want to go with you, you jerkish pile of-"
"Rainbow, there's a time and a place for a good argument. We're done."
I handed her the second ticket as her angry gaze dissipated and she smiled sheepishly.
"Heh, sorry..."
"Could you two please leave? You're scaring the other customers."
"Yeah, uh... Sorry about that. Let's go Rainbow, we're not quite done ye-"
"Psh, I've got the ticket, I don't need to suck up to you anymore."
Rainbow disappeared in a flash, leaving the bags still laying on the ground.
I couldn't help but smirk slightly as I watched her go; that girl kind of reminded me of...
Me.
“Fluttershy, I’m back!”
I slung the door open and stepped into the cottage, double-bag slung over my shoulder, chicken feed under one arm and the roses behind my back. Fluttershy was looking scaredly at me from the top of the steps, all but her eyes obscured behind the wall.
“H-how did it go, d-did you get everything alright.”
“Yup!” I responded brightly. “Even got the roses!”
She suddenly popped out from the top of the steps.
“Oh! Umm...” She looked downtrodden. “That’s nice...”
I rolled my eyes and walked into the cottage at the end of the steps to meet her.
“Yeah, it is. So do you have a vase or something I can put these things in?”
She flew down the steps and into the kitchen, not giving me a second glance. I followed after and set the groceries down on the table.
“Alrighty so where is the-”
“Didn’t I ask you to get rose petals?”
I feigned a look of confusion and pulled the list out of my pocket to look at it.
“Oh! So you did! Sorry about that, I can go back-”
“*sigh* No no, it’s fine...”
‘You are one sneaky piece of crap.’
She pulled a large glass vase from the cupboard and flew it over to the faucet.
“So...” I awkwardly said as she filled the container with water. “I forgot the pen." She didn't respond. "And I have a date with Rainbow Dash in a month, hope that’s not a big deal-”
There was the sound of glass shattering as the vase hit the floor, sending shards and water everywhere.
“Wh-what?”
Author's Note
Hardest chapter to write yet and I'm not a fan of how it turned out, but whatever. Next chapter will more than make up for this slack if I have anything to say about it.
If you've gotten this far, here's a comment Question that's been nagging me for a while:
Edited cover courtesy of Hollyhock.
