Wish Fulfillment

Rally could say she was definitely losing touch with her emotions.

A situation that would’ve made her cry before didn’t now. She felt the dread of the oncoming storm as she tried to sleep, but released none of the tears she normally would have. It had only been two days since she last cried– not long at all, she knew– but she still worried that she was losing touch with her emotions. It was not something that would help her at all, what with her declining mental state. She remembered what it was like before to be stone faced at all times, and knew she didn’t want that back.

It didn’t snow nearly as much as she expected, thankfully. She imagined she would wake up with a foot of the stuff covering her, and was grateful when it was only an inch or two. Perhaps Murphy’s Law wasn’t really out to get her. Any break she could get was good news.

It somehow got colder though, her own body heat now barely enough to keep the bad decently warm. If she was on Earth, she would do everything she could to stay huddled up all day. But she wasn’t on Earth, and knew she had to force herself out. Out into the cold again it was for the stallion.

It was the early morning when Rally woke up, and thankfully, she had a distinct lack of blood in a certain organ, a sign of just how cold it was getting. The wind might not have been blowing, but it felt like it was probably under ten degrees. She hoped the air would warm up with the rising sun and make today's events a little bit bearable. It certainly shone into her eyes as it forced her to get out of her spot.

She tried not to think of how depressing it was to be doing the same thing day after day, but couldn’t help the intense feeling of needing company that washed over her. Just like yesterday, she was feeling lonely all alone out in the open, snowy plain. She wished she had someone to walk with and talk to, bad enough that she would take anyone. Even someone like Moberly would be preferable to being alone.

Please, she thought, as though someone was listening and would answer. Please just let someone come out here and find me. Please.

She got up and brushed the snow off her flattened tent, deciding that she could feel sorry for herself so long as she was working. She carefully rolled it and the sleeping bag up with her teeth, a task that took longer than she knew most ponies would take. As she worked though, she felt the air warm up, nearly warm enough to resemble a morning during early spring. It made her feel just that much better.

So did food and water as well. Bread and cheese weren't much, but were preferable to nothing, as well as some other things she could’ve been sent with. Any ounce of mental strength that she could gather would be important.

She found a way to tie all of her stuff to her back again, and was setting off before long. It was just as boring today as it was yesterday, although now considerably warmer. It was a wonderful change of pace, and provided the motivation she needed to keep advancing toward her end goal. She was moving, and right then, that was what mattered more than anything.

Besides, even given her current bodily ailment and her poor location, she was still a unicorn and still in Equestria. That was something she wanted to keep in her head. Sure, things were bad now, but so was a house that was a fixer upper. A little reconstruction, maybe some cleaning up of the neighborhood, and all of a sudden, she would have a great home in nice spot, something she could be satisfied with for years to come. And this house had the potential to be the home of her dreams, something she never thought possible or even dreamed of on Earth. All of the pain and dysphoria and loneliness was going to be worth it if she could have kids of her own. She would give up a week or a year or however long this adventure would take of her life for that opportunity.

Kind of ridiculous that he didn’t just make me a mare to begin with, or at least fucking put me down in Ponyville, but whatever. It’s not like I’m doing nothing. I’m making progress. I just have to keep moving forward. Even better it would’ve been if she’d just been born correctly the day she came out of her mother’s womb, but she figured that thought might as well be tossed unless some other major miracle presented itself. Not much sense in lamenting whatever wasn’t possible.

She instead focused her attention on trying to find the dot of green she saw at the top of Mount Everhoof. That would be her sign she was truly making progress. She imagined the dot of green would be the Crystal Forest, which meant she’d be that much closer to the Crystal Empire and getting into contact with Twilight Sparkle. Any thought of what would happen when she got to the city would come once she got there. For now, she focused on continuing through the great wide open she was in, and silently hoped her scenery would change soon.

It didn’t change that day, and before she knew it, the stallion was forced to stop again for the night. The temperature dipped right back to where it had been before, and with no progress made on assembling shelter with her teeth, she ended up using the same method as before to protect herself from the cold and any other inclement weather. Still not ideal, but what could she do other than this?

“I swear to God, if I don’t die out here, I’m gonna find Lord Zulu and punch him in his fucking face,” Rally said aloud as she huddled up again. “He’s dead if I ever see him or talk to him again.” Not that such a thing was very likely in her opinion.

Even given everything though, she felt like she was managing decently in spite of the situation. Perhaps it was better than most ponies might have fared. She remembered times when she was a teenager and she would get depressed enough that she wouldn’t move from under her covers all day. She wasn’t at that stage yet, which was something.

Not to mention, she was getting exercise, something she thought she needed. Even if her legs wanted to kill her, slimming down from how husky she was would make her feel a little better. Not as much as much as straight up not being a stallion would make her, or not being in the cold, or having a nice dinner, or a hundred other things, but losing weight was something. Once again, she knew she had to take what she could get.

Another day it was that she woke up when the morning came, and another day she knew it would be spent walking. She tried not to feel so aggravated by it, but second to being lonely, walking out here was boring. She couldn’t imagine a task worse than what she had, other than one that required her to sit in place and watch paint dry. What could she do to pass the time?

Singing helped, although after she went through the five or six albums she could actually remember the lyrics to, decided her time would be better spent working on voice training. Harder for her to do without a recorder to listen to her voice through, but she did it once before, and had the general gist of the idea. Besides, it was better than continuing to stare at the eternal snowy nothingness that was starting to drive her crazy. At least on the mountain there was some variety, and as much as she hated the cold and wind, the blistering feeling of it gave her mind some attention.

Not that she wasn’t still sore and becoming more so. Her legs and back were starting to ache now from being out here, something that wasn’t helped by sleeping on the ground. She needed another break and a bed to lay in, but she knew she wasn’t going to get one until she got to her destination. She was certain she was going to be ripped by the top she got to the city. Ripped and suffering from chronic back pain, probably.

And dysphoria. Couldn’t forget the dysphoria. She wondered how bad it was going to be once she actually received a proper break from pretending to be a survival expert.

She also tried to work on her magic while she walked. She found herself wishing she asked Rusty Bucket about it, but not enough to turn around and talk to him. She just did her best to try and force it to work, a nearly impossible task since she had no idea what she was doing. She looked up at the appendage sticking out of her forehead as though it would help, but nothing came. Not light or aura or even a spark. The stallion was currently magically inept, not to her surprise.

She figured she was doing something though because a headache was starting to set in from all day spent trying to get it to work. Staring at the blinding white snow field didn’t help either. It was around sundown when she officially stopped because of how hard her head was pounding. She’d managed to give herself a migraine trying to use magic.

This is completely useless, she thought angrily as she set up her tent and sleeping bag in the same way she did before, carefully laying down on top of it and looking up at the stars while it was still a little warm out. I don’t have magic, or hoof grip, or any idea where I’m going other than forward…

And she was alone out here. Once again, she felt that horrible pang of loneliness settle over her, enough to bring tears to her eyes. She wished she had someone to talk to, to tell her what she should be doing, to just keep her mind active and stop her from thinking about everything that was wrong.

And I’m not even myself anymore, Rally thought as the dysphoria started to kick in hard. I can’t live like this. I’m going to die out here alone like this.

She cried, shutting her eyes tightly and letting the tears drip down her cheeks. She hated this deeply, and wished she would’ve just not tried to joke with him. Why was this okay? On what level would someone say she deserved this?

She remembered the dream she had about Lord Zulu as the air got colder and the wind started to blow. “Enjoy your future as the stallion you were born to be,” he told her. She couldn’t imagine that there was any way she was born to be a stallion, but with as hard as the dysphoria was kicking in all of a sudden, she had to wonder if it was true. Maybe Lord Zulu was right. After all, she did spend all but the last few years of her life as exactly that. What did that tell her?

Why should I even keep going? she wondered, knowing it was bad thinking but unable to help the unhealthy thoughts entering her mind as her mental state deteriorated. Why shouldn’t I just lie out here and get hypothermia? I don’t want to do this again.

Nothing but the wind answered, at least not for a while. Eventually though, her crying and self loathing was interrupted by a white hot flash of light entering her vision.