Guards N' Morons: Equestrian Chaos

by Stalin with Da Spoon

Rating: teen
Tags: Queen Chrysalis, Cozy Glow, Random, Adventure, Violence, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Tirek, Comedy
Length: 1692

The legion of doom is on the verge of victory as they prepare to take over, so Celestia turns to summoning warriors from an alternate dimension to assist them. What she doesn't expect is the ones she summoned reeking havoc of their own.

In a last ditch effort to save equestria from the legion of doom and stop them from taking over and destroying harmony, Celestia uses a very unstable summoning spell to bring forth legendary warriors from another dimension to come to their aid. What she doesn't expect is these warriors are more chaotic than even she could've predicted, and when it comes time for them to face down the villains, lets just say the turns will be tabled.

Note: Had to censor the title because people get pissy when the R word gets flung.

Published 2022-04-20 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-04-20 00:30:01 UTC

Unleash the Master of Swag

"ponies are gay lolololol"

Fresh Spaghetti Tubby Factory, The Door.

Nobody knows whats behind the heavily armored door that Chris and Swag are guarding. Maybe its the room where they keep the spaghetti formula? Who knows, but neither of the guards questioned it, especially Swag, as he was too busy spinning around in circles, doing his impression of a roflcopter.

"My roflcopter goes SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI-"

"Shut the fuck up Swag, you have been doing that for the past ten minutes."

"Fuck you, Chris, Im bored as shit, I need something to do." Just as he said this, a sudden flash of red light flashed at the two guards, as Swag stared directly at it, while Chris closed his eyes. And where the flash occured, there seemed to be a red vortex, slowly spinning as it crackled with electricity. "Neat. Chris, Im gonna jump in."

"No you moron! Do you not remember the time that weird wizard guy sent us through a portal?"

"Yes, but I see no weird hobo wizards around, and I'm still bored as shit, so im going in anyways, lololol." He says before charging in. "LEROY JENKINS! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"

"Sigh." Chris said as he quickly charged in after his dumb ass friend, the vortex sealing behind them.

The Canterlot Throne Room.

Celestia and Luna stood side by side, staring down the Legion of Doom, with both alicorn sisters being weakened, on the brink of collapse, as Chrysalis speaks with venom in her voice.

"Its over, pathetic Celestia! Just give in and accept our victory over Equestria!"

Celestia grunted, as she used her royal Canterlot voice in defiance. "NEVER! Friendship and harmony shall prevail!" As she grunted in pain, her sister was struck with an idea.

"Sister, we must use the forbidden spell!"

"The summoner spell? It has not been used in eons!"

"But we must! For the good of Equestria!"

"Very well... Together, we hereby invoke the spell of summoning! We request the greatest warriors of the worlds beyond come to our aid!" She said as her horn began to glow, along with Luna's while the legion of doom looked on with curiosity, until suddenly a bright flash of light blinded them, a vortex appearing, as a very strange bi-pedal creature came charging through.

"Wahoo, weird technicolor dimension, Chris, you gotta see this." Swag said as he turned to his friend who was running out of the portal.

"For fuck sake Swag, what have you gotten us into now?" Chris said observing his surroundings, before an unfamiliar voice spoke.

"Really Celestia? You summon hairless apes to fight us? How laughable!" As the legion of doom broke out into laughter, Swag slowly turned around, anger in his eyes.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH? ILL HAVE YOU KNOW I GRADUATED TOP OF MY CLASS IN THE NAVY SEAL-" As the man yelled with rage and the legion of doom slowly backed away in confusion and fear, Chris spoke and interrupted his friend.

"Swag, shut the fuck up. First off, where the hell are we?" He then turned to the two alicorn sisters staring in amazement at what they had summoned. "Ah shit, weird giant unicorns." Celestia looked confused, wondering if they had said the spell wrong or something, before going with it and speaking to the new arrivals.

"Greetings heroes from another dimension! I am princess Celestia, and my sister and I request your aid in defending Equestria from these villainous fiends!" She said pointing towards the legion of doom, who resumed their stance of battle.

"Alright fine, you want us to help save the day, we'll do it. Swag, beat their asses." Swag's eyes lit up red as he glared at the villains, before turning to Chris.

"Do this mean I can do the thing, Chris?"

Sigh "Yes, go for it."

"BOIIIIIIIIIIIII." Suddenly, he pulled forth a massive spear from seemingly thin air, as the villains looked on with fear in their eyes. "Time to banish some scrubs from existence lol."

As he said, the villains resumed a battle stance, as Tirek snarled and charged a blast of red magical energy, sending it towards Swag, who exploded in a burst of energy. As the villains smiled while the dust cleared, they had looks of horror to see Swag as completely unphased. "HOW!?! WHAT IS THIS SORCERY?"

"U wot m8?" He raised his spear high into the air. "Congratulations, your free trial of existence has ended. LEROY JENKINS." Swag screamed as he charged forward, with the villains quickly screaming in fear as well, taking off out of the throne room and into the halls of the castle, with Swag chasing after them, Chris following suit. "Hi ho hi ho, off to banish some scrubs I go."

Celestia and Luna looked at each other with confusion, before shrugging and giving chase, hoping to assist their inter-dimensional allies. Meanwhile, the legion of doom was busy blowing open a hole in a wall as they jumped through, running off into the distance, with Swag slowly watching them run, hands on his hips as he glared.

"Not on my watch, bitches." Soon, Chris appeared next to Swag, huffing and puffing from running through the massive castle.

"Ugh, damn, they got away!"

"Not for long, Chris. Prepare the death wagon."

A short while later...

As the legion of doom were retreating farther and farther from Canterlot, trying to get as much distance as they can from the strange spear wielding creature, before they heard a strange honking noise behind them, as they turned to see a military humvee driving towards them, with Swag on top of it.

"TIME TO DIE! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL." Cozy glow screamed to her comrades in panic.

"RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY!" She said as the three villains quickly began making a mad dash away, with Tirek screaming like a lunatic.

"IM RUNNING AS FAST AS MY LEGS CAN CARRY ME!"

"Then let me carry you, you dead weight!" Chrysalis snarled as her wings extended out and she gripped her centaur comrade with the help of Cozy glow, as they slowly ascended into the air.

"Goddamn it, they are getting away!" Chris said with fury as he drove the humvee.

"Well that's why I brought the fun stick." Swag says pulling an RPG out of thin air. "Do you smell that Chris?" He says sniffing the rocket launcher with a long sniff. "Smells like bitches gonna die tonight."

"You need serious help dude."

"No u." Swag says before firing off a barrage of missiles towards the retreating foes, until he gets a lucky shot, impacting them as they fell to the ground in pain.

"AGH! YOU KNOW WHAT, LETS JUST GO AHEAD AND FIGHT, WE CAN TAKE EM!" Tirek said standing alongside Cozy and Chrysalis, grim looks on their faces as they stared down the approaching vehicle.

"Im boutta whip somebody's ass..." Swag said as the vehicle approached, before he dismounted and approached with no weapon in hand. "Are you prepared to face my ultimate swagness?" The villains just snarled, before a burst of life appeared from behind Swag, as he turned to see a massive army of ponies and other things behind him. "What the fuck, where did all these ponies come from?" Just then, he soon saw the element bearers floating above him, including Twilight sparkle, looking charged up. "Ah hell nah, these bitches are mine, you can't have em." Swag said angrily to the element bearers, as they looked on in confusion.

"Uhhhh... What?" Twilight said, as she turned to Celestia on the ground.

"I shall explain later, but its best you honor the creatures wishes!" Twilight shrugged, as Swag turned back towards the villainous trio, who were most likely about to piss themselves.

"Engage swag mode." Suddenly, a pair of MLG glasses appeared on Swag's face, as he began break dancing, with swag levels reaching max and the villains suddenly feeling their bodies move uncontrollably.

"What... is this feeling?"

"I dunno, but I like it!" Cozy glow said before she said dancing as well, Tirek soon following.

"Yeah, get funky!" Chrysalis sighed, then shrugged and started breakdancing as well, the element bearers and the army of ponies just watching with pure confusion as their mortal enemies danced.

"Swag swag swag, bitch." Swag said before the villains suddenly collapsed from exhaustion of dancing too hard, and he stood victorious over his foes. "Lololololol, I won bitches, I won bitches, I won bitches." Cue him dancing upon his enemies. "I am victorious, bow before my superior swagness." The element bearers just shrugged as they powered down, and approached the strange man.

"Well, I can sufficiently say that this is the weirdest day I have ever had, but thank you for saving us from-"

"Wheres my money?"

"Um... What?"

"I want my money all yo bitch ass ponies." Before he could start ranting, Chris punched him in the balls. "AHHHHH, MY BALLS."

"Shut up you damn fool. Anyways, since we are done here, can you send us back home now?" Celestia nodded to her sister, as they both used their magic to rip open a portal, as Chris grabbed Swag and dragged him through it.

"WAIT NO, I WANT TO GET PAID-" Before he could finish, the portal closed, leaving the ponies with three unconscious evil doers.

"Well... Now what?"

"I guess we could try to reform em." Applejack said, as everyone else shrugged. Surely it wouldn't backfire right?

Back at the factory...

As Chris dragged Swag's fat ass through the portal, Swag got up and slapped Chris.

"Damn you Chris, I wanted some money."

"There ponies, Swag, they don't got money."

"BItch, I don't give a fuck, I want my money."

"Just shut up and get back to work." Chris said as he returned to standing guard beside Swag, still unsure about them going to an alternate dimension and beating a trio of bad guys.

Meanwhile, Swag began spinning again. "My roflcopter goes SOI SOI SOI-" He was then shot in the nuts by Chris. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- MY BALLS."