Boopersnoodle

by TheOnlySaneDraconequus

Rating: everyone
Tags: Discord, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Angel, Fluttershy
Length: 1013

You have a task to complete within the next 24 hours: Boop the Lord of Chaos by any means necessary. This will end well, right?

You have a list of tasks that must be completed, no matter how high the cost or sacrifice involved. The ends shall justify the means, no matter how harsh or cruel your methods. It's for science!!!!
The task you have chosen today is seemingly simple: Boop your boyfriend Discord. He surely won't mind, right?
An entry for the Fluff and Humor categories of the "A Thousand Words" contest.

Published 2022-04-21 01:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-04-21 01:30:00 UTC

Stalk Like a Cat, Boop like a Bee!

It was true, morning in Ponyville shimmered, morning in Ponyville shone. You weren’t certain if everything would be fine or not, but as your brain slowly booted up you grinned. Today was the day. Today, a long-term wish and goal would be realized. Today, the hunt began!

As the town’s colts and fillies passed by, you heard Sweetie Belle mutter, “Uh, oh. Anon’s chuckling deviously again guys…”

You threw the shutters open, causing the group to let out a sound that was a cross between a shriek and a squawk.

“Why, yes, Sweetie, I am!” you said with a manic grin. “For today, goal number 44 on my list shall be accomplished! Shortly after arriving on this fair world of yours, I have wanted to-”

“Sorry, Anon, we don’t have time for your awesome backstory, we’re going to be late to class!” Scootaloo called with a wave goodbye.

You deflated slightly at your monologue being cut short, but no matter. The events that would transpire today would undoubtedly live in the minds of the townsfolk forever and most likely be written into Ponyville’s history book! … Or at least it would cross the police Sargent’s desk that evening.

After a quick breakfast of oatmeal you made your way across town to a certain cottage.

“Heh. Heh. Heh.”

A white rabbit crossed your path, giving you a look that clearly said, “You really need to work on that…”

“It’s an involuntary evil laugh!” you told Angel Bunny.

“Sure, Anon, Sure…” the Beaster Bunny replied through expression. He pointed you in the right direction.

“Thanks!” you said with a cheerful wave. You followed a dirt trail around the back of the house.

Despite running an animal sanctuary on top of being an Element of Harmony Fluttershy still maintained her smaller sanctuary at her home.

You found her busy sorting through nuts for various rodents. “Good morning, Anon,” she called softly.

“Good morning, my fair Fluttershy!” you called. “And isn’t it a lovely morning?”

The corners of Fluttershy’s mouth turned up. “You know Tuesday Tea isn’t until 2, right? Are you going to stay here all day?”

You shrugged. “I suppose. I could help you around the house until then?”

And you did. You conversed with your friend about various topics. “So, goal 44 today?” Fluttershy asked, the picture of innocence.

“Eeyup.”

“Ooh. He isn’t going to like this…” Fluttershy said with a mischievous grin. “You should probably hide. I’ll go get tea ready…”

You found a suitably inconspicuous place for a being twice the height of the average citizen to hide, and somehow managed to successfully keep your so-called “verbal tic” under control.

With all of his usually awesome panache, the unsuspecting victim of your heinous crime teleported in in a shower of confetti and fireworks.

OK, he didn’t take your breath away every time you saw him, as the fact you were still inhaling could attest to, but he was still gorgeous, and he knew it.

Your eyes traced over his lanky form. “Mismatch” was one of your first nicknames for him. He was taller than you by at least a head depending on his mood and posture, but … you didn’t mind that as much as you used to.

Silky brown fur made all the lusher by regular baths in the finest of chocolate milk. A scaly red tail that was perfectly warm to snuggle with on those cold Ponyville nights. A massive paw, all the better to hug you with! Toe beans included. ^^ And his stupid sexy handsome face. Those eyes that were hypnotic without the aid of magic and could convey looks of amazing tenderness or wicked mischief.

OK, you could gush until the cows came home (and had, as the friendly bovines kept teasing you about), but you were on a mission! This wasn’t the time to get distracted!

With surprising limberness, you majestically fell and rolled, creeping out of sight. You stuck to the shadows and the cobwebs. You were just a draught of spring air, nopony here but us shadows!

His head snapped around, and you froze, hugging the underside of the table like a giant fleshy spider.

“Something wrong?” Fluttershy asked sweetly.

He frowned. “I thought I saw - … never mind.”

You made a mad dash for the umbrella stand, and he only noticed it rattling when he heard the noise.

“You don’t have ghosts, do you?” he asked his hostess.

“No, no cryptids here today…” You snickered from inside your ceramic hiding spot.

Once he was properly distracted with the offer of finger foods (and the chance to show off his improving cooking) you crept. Closer. Closer.

You reared up back to your normal bipedal posture. Shadows that had no source covered most of your face, but your eyes glinted in the dark, and your expression of evil satisfaction was terrible to behold.

Inch by inch, you reached closer, taking the opportunity to lightly breathe on the back of his neck.

His head snapped around. “What in the worl- AHHHHH!”

With speed that would have put a striking cobra to shame, your hand lashed out.

Yes! Target acquired, bull’s-eye! “Boop~!” You informed him.

Discord’s eyes widened, rolled into the back of his head, and he fell to the ground, stiff as a plank.

You pulled a composition book out of your pants pocket. The title in your writing was, “Anon’s Pocket Guide to Stupidly Sexy Draconequui,” and below that in a fancier scrawl was, “With annotations by Discord P. Sullivan: expert on the species.”

You clicked your pen. “Hmm. When properly Booped, a Draconequus becomes immobilized, similar to when a kitten is carried by its mother. Undoubtedly, had this weakness been known before this, the history of Equestria would have been quite different. This requires further careful, intimate study in a controlled environment. Is there perhaps a cure for this Achilles’s Heel? In the name of science, I must test a hypothesis.”

You kissed him. He sat up and groaned. “Love you babe!” you called.