Beating Hearts, Crumbling Walls
All These Words I Don't Just Say
They say that love is the only truth.
And just like any truth, it is not easy to accept.
But even the most rotten of hearts can find the will to beat for another.
To a changeling, love is something to covet. Something to thirst for, it’s like an itch that can never be scratched no matter how much relief you try to bring it; it’s a feeling that won’t go away no matter how much you satisfy it.
And yet, The Changeling Queen couldn’t explain why that feeling went away whenever she was here.
Well, it wasn’t here that made the feeling go away, it was with who she was here.
Chrysalis looked over the balcony, watching the Equestrian sunset with a melancholy she couldn’t understand. She had been in the castle before, so the feeling of being here wasn’t new; neither was the toasty sensation building within her.
She could only describe it as a sunny afternoon. The kind where you just want to lay back and enjoy the warm sun rays on your skin without a care in the world.
It was a tragic truth that Chrysalis didn’t have such a luxury, and neither did the source of that toasty feeling.
“Chrysalis.” A voice as serene and commanding as the sun itself broke the silence.
“Princess.”
Before Chrysalis, stood none other than the regent of Equestria, the Solar Diarch and ruler of the day, Princess Celestia.
Silence lingered for what felt both like an eternity and an instant.
And again, she was made aware that her hunger was gone.
Gone was that gnawing sensation in her stomach, the constant clawing, the bottomless pit in her gut. Instead, here and now, in Celestia’s presence, she felt a warmth she couldn’t describe.
It was as if a soothing warmth overtook that horrible sensation, that endless craving. Whenever Celestia dared to rear her head and show herself, that gnawing sensation fled and vanished, skittering into the darkness and leaving behind only a warmth that Chrysalis simply could not explain.
Or didn’t want to explain.
She thought she understood love, that it was simple. Take it from others and feed on it without looking back, simply snatch it from the clutches of any creature dumb enough to harbour such feelings for another and leave them an empty husk. Love was nothing more than food to a Changeling. And that was true until she met Celestia.
“You know you don’t have to call me that.”
“Very well, Celestia.”
Celestia sighed, Chrysalis constantly built up a wall that she felt she had to tear down.
“Very well,” Celestia said as she trotted over to stand next to Chrysalis, looking over the sunset. Celestia watched quietly as the sun went down and the moon went up.
Many thoughts swirled in her head, many images appeared in her mind, sentences formed and fought to form into coherent thoughts that begged to be said, spoken out loud along with all the feelings that swelled well within her stomach.
Many words were left unsaid.
And yet, neither could deny why they were there.
“Chrysalis—”
“You know we can’t be, Celestia.” The words sunk an icy dagger into Celestia’s heart. Her throat tightened and her eyes flickered, the way her ears flattened against her head and her eyes drooped was enough to make even Chrysalis bite her lower lip. “We each have our duties, responsibilities, subjects to care for—”
“I’m willing to step down as Princess of Equestria.” Celestia didn’t falter in her statement. “My sister can take over my duties.” Chrysalis looked at Celestia with a perplexed expression. “I did her duties for a thousand years, she can—”
Chrysalis chortled, raising a hoof and waving it dismissively at Celestia. “Unlike you, I don’t have a sister to force my duties upon,” Chrysalis explained matter of factly. Celestia’s surprised expression turned into one of rebuttal. Celestia’s mouth opened but Chrysalis pressed on before she could interject. “The hive has me and only me to look out for them, I can’t leave them all without a leader for—” Chrysalis gestured at Celestia and let the following words die on her tongue.
Two regents bound by honour and duty to serve and protect their loyal subjects tied together by an invisible thread neither of them were willing to sever.
“Chrysalis, I—I love you.”
“I know,” Chrysalis said, bearing a smug smile upon her features. “I love you too,” she quickly added, calming Celestia’s feelings and setting them abuzz all the same. “But love is complicated.” Chrysalis frowned and looked away, gazing upon the rising moon as she let her brow furrow and knit itself.
Love wasn’t complicated, it was food and sustenance; whatever was this she was feeling for Celestia had to be something else.
It had to be something else, she told herself, because she knew what love was, and this wasn’t it. It couldn’t be.
She didn’t want it to be.
If this was ‘love’, it had to be different from what she knew. It was such an alien feeling, so strange, so inexplicable. She refused to accept the truth, even when it was staring her down with magenta eyes and a flowing mane that resembled the morning sky itself.
“I know,” Celestia said with a sigh, deflating and letting her head hang from a brief moment before raising it once more to meet Chrysalis’ eyes. “I still want to try, I still want to hold you and kiss you and be with you.” Celestia’s eyes shimmered in the moonlight as tears stung on the corner of her eyes, threatening to fall down her cheeks at a moment’s notice. “Why won’t you give us a chance?”
The words slipped through the cracks in Chrysalis’ armour with ease. It made her feel so vulnerable, not knowing how to handle what she felt; not knowing what to do with it.
“Look, Celestia, what I feel for you is—”
“Don’t tell me it’s not love, we have had this conversation before.” Celestia quickly interjected, her wings ruffling at her flanks before relaxing once more. “Chrysalis—” Celestia’s voice was sweet as honey, despite how tired it sounded. “—I love you.”
“I love you too.” The words tumbled out of Chrysalis’ mouth before she even realised it. She sighed and looked away, off into the horizon, eyes on the moon again. “But I can’t be with you, and you know it, we know it.”
Celestia’s lower lip quivered as she stared at Chrysalis. She wanted to yell, to scream and to plead with her, to reason with the queen and to just beg her to give them a chance. But despite everything, Celestia knew she was right. Defeated, she sighed and trotted over to Chrysalis' side and looked up to the moon as well. Sighing once more, Celestia hung her head before turning to gaze at Chrysalis. “I still want to try.”
Celestia’s tail intertwined with Chrysalis, the changeling smiled and sighed softly as she found her cheeks flare up.
“We can’t…” Chrysalis sighed and shook her head. It ate at her, that this feeling—warm, toasty, soothing—filled her with a sensation she couldn’t explain, but one she found herself craving more than she did love, for it was one that actually sated her hunger. “Celestia, I want to, but I can’t abandon my hive.” Chrysalis flicked her tail to make it adjust better into Celestia’s coil.
The sorrow in Chrysalis’ words squeezed at Celestia’s heart. Lifting a hoof, the Princess took the Queen’s chin in her hoof and lifted it, meeting eyes with her beloved.
The image of a mare afraid to give herself a chance was painted clearly on Chrysalis’ visage. Afraid, scared and hesitant. Celestia wished to know, to find a way to impart confidence upon Chrysalis.
The image of a mare ready to throw her power away for a chance at something uncertain shone through Celestia’s face. Chrysalis envied her. She could feel Celestia’s love washing over her, feeding her beyond need. She knew, she knew! Stars, she knew that Celestia was the one. The one and only pony she could feel like this for, the one and only pony willing to give her a chance; and what a chance that was.
But the voice in her head always grew louder the closer Chrysalis was to giving in to Celestia’s pleas.
Before Celestia could lean in for a kiss, Chrysalis looked away yet again, erecting her crumbling wall between them. “I’m the Queen, they look up to me. I can’t abandon them just because I fell in love.” Admitting to it felt strangely liberating, like a weight had been lifted off of her withers; like she could breathe again. “I wish I could, Celestia, I really do, but I can’t, not now.”
Celestia saw a glimmer of hope right there. Something to cling to, something to look forward to. A smile crept upon her features as she ran a hoof through Chrysalis’ mane. “Then, let’s keep going as we are, I can wait.”
Chrysalis’ wings buzzed; a signal which told Celestia that Chrysalis was either excited or happy.
“Let’s not change a thing,” Celestia continued as she kept stroking through Chrysalis’ mane. “We can keep meeting like this, in my castle, away from prying eyes and we can keep enjoying each other’s company.” At Chrysalis’ inquisitive expression, Celestia nodded. “In secret.”
“Do you mean it?” Chrysalis tried not to let too much excitement show. She did a poor job of hiding the buzzing of her wings, or the way the corner of her lips curled upwards into a smile.
Celestia just nodded her head and smiled. “Mmmhmm, just as we are right now.” She leaned in, gently caressing over Chrysalis’ cheek and holding it as she closed in again for a kiss.
This time, Chrysalis didn’t pull away.
She felt, the instant her lips touched Celestia’s, how her fears evaporated like a droplet of water under the summer’s sun. Shadows scurrying away from the light and hiding in fear of being burnt by this wonderful, inexplicable sensation. A sensation she didn’t want to go away.
They kissed for what felt like forever and a second. They kissed like it was the first time. They kissed like they loved each other, they embraced and pulled their lips apart, only to have their horns touch as they dipped their heads, sparks flying about as they tenderly held each other.
“I’m sorry,” said Chrysalis.
“Don’t be, my love.” Celestia’s words mended Chrysalis’ heart.
“But it’s because of me and my insecurities that we have to keep meeting like this.” Chrysalis sighed, peering up at Celestia with eyes that begged for forgiveness. “It’s because of me we have to keep appearances up when we are not under the veil of secrecy.”
Celestia’s smile never wavered. “Well, it’s lucky that you are a changeling then.” The two of them shared a laugh.
Chrysalis felt as if she was still out in the sun as she looked at Celestia, she felt a warmth soothing not only her body, but her mind. “I’ll do it all over again for you if I have to.” Celestia reassured her, sitting down on her haunches. Chrysalis mirrored her.
Facing each other now, like this, Chrysalis didn’t feel so afraid anymore.
“Would you really?” Chrysalis asked, prodding Celestia for answers that she felt she needed to hear.
“Over and over again,” Celestia replied without hesitation. Her words laced with honey and sprinkled with love. A love that was both rich and empowering, nurturing. Love that was nothing but true.
Chrysalis sighed softly and smiled. She smiled because she felt silly at how easily Celestia’s words reassured her, how they made her feel hopeful that, perhaps, one day, they could truly be together like they both wanted to be.
They say that love is the only truth.
And just like any truth, it is not easy to accept.
But even the most rotten of hearts can find the will to change.
