I AM GOD... No, seriously!

by Spazz Kid

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Cadance, Sonic the Hedgehog, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Other, Princess Luna
Length: 1283

Even after everything edgy Sonic has done, the gods still don't perceive him as a threat.

Sonic has such intense narcissism that he believes himself a god, to the point where he runs around, telling everyone. After years of no one taking him seriously, he goes on a rampage, killing everything in his path to prove to the rulers of this land that he is serious about this.

There's only one problem with this...

He's not actually a god, and the rulers are.
They also see him as a joke.

Published 2022-04-28 19:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-04-28 19:40:01 UTC

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

Sonic sped through the ruined streets of Canterlot.

These stupid fucking ponies. Laughing at me for all those years, Sonic monologue'd. I told them they'd pay, but they didn't listen. Now look at them. Sonic look at the carnage around him; several hundred mangled corpses were strewn throughout the streets, and the widows of the overly fancy buildings have had bricks thrown them. Not by Sonic, but by the other species in Cantorlot, because Sonic only focused on the ponies. They're all dead now. Expect the unicorns. Magical bastards....

He stopped running at mach 8 quadrillion or whatever, and stared at the giant castle. The only part of Canterlot he hadn't touched. The guards were all missing because they all came out to stop him, so he was free to be extra, and blast through the walls or some shit.

But he wasn't going to break down the walls of the castle with his RADICALSPEEDS. Instead, he was going to run inside, and find the rulers of this land - Princesses Celestia and Luna, both of which had originally laughed at him when he tried to register his likeness as a religion. They didn't understand, THEY DIDN'T GET IT!

Ever since that happened, he decided that, instead of being a kind and benevolent god, like he totally had been for the past three years (come on guys, steeling every apple in Sweet Apple Acres was just a one time thing. That happened every year.), he was going to show the entirety of Equestria why they made a grave mistake. Their final mistake...

He decided to slaughter every pony in Equestria (None of the other races tho, because he found the griffins really hot), and prove to Celestia and Luna that he was a forced to be reckoned with...

And yeah. That happened. He did it.
He killed every non-unicorn pony in Equestria, and he even stole a ridiculously large lollipop from that toddler that used to live down the road from him. FUCK YOU, TREMBLE TROT, YOU MUMBLING LITTLE BITCH!

Ahem, anyway, Sonic was ready to initiate the final phase of his totally tubular 'Angry God' scheme -
Infiltrate the palace, and make the princesses beg for mercy.

This plan was going swimmingly up to this point, so he an intense amount of confidence as he sped through the castle's hallways. He already knew where the princesses would be - the throne room. He didn't remember where it was, but he could run so fast that the effect was pretty much the same.

After about 0.3 seconds, he burst through the door to the throne room, and-

He froze in place. He felt an odd sensation encasing him.
He recognized it immediately.

"Rrrr, fuckin'... let me... GO!" Sonic flailed his spindly limbs at hyper speed, flinging blood off of himself. He was encased in a yellow aura of magic.

"And why would I do that?" Celestia asked, an amused expression on her face. She seemed to enjoy watching Sonic struggle. She was still sitting in her throne, Luna in hers. Sonic hadn't noticed that there were another two alicorns in the room, as he was too focused on his humiliation.

"Because, I SAID SO! And I am your GOD!" Sonic yelled at Celestia and Luna, an infuriated expression on his face. All of the alicorns in the room snorted in unison, prompting Sonic to notice the other two; Princess Twilight and Something Something Cadenza.

"Really? Odd, considering you're currently stuck in place, at our mercy." Celestia teased, prompting Sonic to give an incredulous look.

"I'm at your mercy?" Sonic tried his best to give a mocking laugh. His voice cracked somewhat, due to the fact that he's still a teenager. "HAHA! You're at MY mercy!" He flailed some more, looking less than confident. "As soon as I.. get out of this..."

"Uh huh..." Celestia looked down on him still as the other three chuckled quietly at Sonic's expense. "And how do you aim to do that?"

"I'll, uh, fucking'... uh..." Sonic struggled to come up with an answer as he fruitlessly attempted to escape the magical confines of which he was bound (did that sound smart?). Panic was beginning to fill his mind - had he already failed? Was his plan upended before its climax?

...

NO. Sonic wasn't going to give up that easily - he didn't kill all those innocents for nothing!
If he was an Element o Harmony, he'd be the one of Determination!
...

That's an element, right?

Then Sonic remembered he could do something, something... [insert vague statement here]...

Sonic stopped flailing, making Celestia raise an eyebrow.

"Heh heh..." Sonic chuckled darkly, before rolling himself into a ball. The princesses all watched in confused silence as Sonic began to roll. "Heh heh, hah hah, HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" He gained speed.

All of the princesses watched with mildly confused, but very unimpressed expressions.
After a few seconds, Sonic seemed to be spinning at inconceivable speeds, before an odd sound came from him, and he shot forward ever so slightly. After a few seconds he slowed down, and was just idly floating with a frustrated look on his face.

"Okay, now that you've officially become pathetic, now it's time to talk about your death sentence." Said Celestia, no longer smiling.

Sonic's gaze quickly snapped over to her, "BITCH WHAT"

"Um, yeah, you kinda murdered two-thirds of the pony population. You're not seeing the end of this day." Cadence said, a dark look on her face.

"I- NO! This wasn't how this was supposed to go! You're supposed be bowing down to me, BEGGING ME FOR MERCY!" Sonic yelled, more angry than scared.

"Uh-huh, Twilight, add 'God Complex' to the list." Celestia told the pony in question, who obliged, magicking a comically long piece of parchment in front of her.

"List? List of what?" Sonic asked, actually curious.

"Your various criminal charges and mental issues." Luna answered, a bored look on her face.

"Yes. Now, how about we get to your punishment?" Celestia looked up in thought. "How do we carry out your death sentence...?"

"Let's zap his balls until they explode." Luna still had a bored look on her face. Sonic looked mortified.

"Hmm... That'll work." Said Celestia as she stepped forward.

"WAIT-" Sonic yelled, terrified.

"Sonic the Edgehorg." Celestia stated, staring at him intensely. "I sentence you to death by..

BUSTED BALLS."

Her already glowing horn began to spark.

"WAIT, NO-"

(**|||/|**)

"Alright, he's gone. What do we do about the thousands of dead citizens?" Luna asked Celestia, who was covered in blue blood, because that's the color of Sonic's blood, according to a random 3 AM youtuber.

"Use a resurrection spell."Celestia said, a frustrated tone in her voice.

"... Dark magic? I don't think it'd be responsible for me to use that again, considering..." Luna eluded to Celestia, who groaned.

"Alright, fine. I'll do it." Celestia exited the throne room, and presumably headed to her balcony. Twilight suddenly had a confused look on her face.

"Wait, if we could just revive everypony, why did she kill him?" Twilight pointed at the giant puddle of blue blood on the floor.

"Because he's the reason we need to revive everypony, of course." Cadence said in a matter - of - fact tone. "And by 'we', I mean 'Celestia'."

Luna yawned, before going to exit the throne room herself. "Well, this has been an amazing waste of precious sleeping time. Fuck all of you, I'm going back to sleep."

And go back to sleep she did.

Author's Note

You know what, fuck you!
*un-edgynesses your Sonic.exe*

I believe in Sunky.MPEG supremacy