Version: 3

"Chet Bowman, I know how to make you happy!" Princess Mi Amore Cadenza announced.

The human, Chet, stared in the anthropomorphic pony's direction. So did Twilight. They were in the middle of their daily Earth-Equuis discussion when the pink mare had burst into the conference room and simply... yelled.

"Uh," the human mumbled. "Thanks Princess Cadenza, I guess. But, um, I'm already happy?" The man wasn't sure what the proper response to this kind of intrusion was.

The pink pony almost floated as she made her way to the second couch that sat across from the one Twilight currently occupied. She then flopped into the cushions before leaning forward and looming over Chet. The tiny human was a little less than four centimeters tall and currently seated on a stack of bits on the table in the middle of the room. When they had been trying to make the man an appropriately sized chair he had suggested something more practical. A bit was wider around than most chairs back home to his small stature, but they could be stacked to any height, making them modular. So four or five bits gave Chet a chair about a centimeter high which was perfect for him. The surface was kind of hard, however Chet refused to complain.

"Don't lie to me Little Mister," Cadenza warned. Chet couldn't tell if the pony woman was being serious or playful.

"I am happy," he argued, gesturing to himself.

Twilight took off her glasses, uncrossed her legs, and set aside her clipboard. "Chet is unhappy?" she asked.

The Princess of Love pounced on the question. "Obviously Twilight. Haven't you noticed?"

Twilight looked shocked. "But we've been working so hard."

"It is unfortunate Twilight, but your best work isn't always enough," the older alicorn said with a sagely nod and a raised finger.

Chet groaned. The pony people often did this. Talk over him like he wasn't even there. "Excuse me, I think I am the only expert in the room who can say for certain whether 'Chet' is happy or not. And, according to my incredible insightful powers, he is."

Cadence turned on him in an instant. "Do you have a job?"

Chet blinked up at the mare. "No," he admitted.

"Are you going to school?"

Chet was confused. What was with the weird interrogation all of the sudden? "Twilight has been teaching me about the world."

"Do you have any hobbies or friends?" the alicorn continued.

"Twilight is my friend," Chet scoffed.

Twilight smiled a little at that, but Cadence didn't. Her expression actually seemed to harden. "What about hobbies? What do you do for fun?"

"Twilight finds me some nice books."

"Do you have a marefriend? A girl in your life?"

Chet felt like that was kind of personal. "No. What is this, a quiz about my life?"

Cadence was quiet for a moment. Then she gave her deadly serious conclusion. "Chet, you live in a cage. A cage you only leave to talk to Twilight and to read books. You are clearly miserable and you don't even know it."

"D-don't tell me how to live my life. It's fine." Chet's words were weak. It was embarrassing to have someone judge him like that.

Twilight's ears pinned and she raised a hand to her muzzle. "When you put it like that, I guess it is obvious. How could anypony be happy in those circumstances."

Cadence nodded solemnly. "Fortunately, I know the cure. And it is an easy one. Chet needs a marefriend."

Now the human blushed. "You are not about to set me up on a bunch of blind dates."

"No no no," the pink princess shook her head. "Your situation is far too special for such a chaotic method. Your mare will need to meet very specific qualifications."

Chet grumbled. "I meant I don't want you deciding who it is I... date. Look, if I wanted a girlfriend, I'd go out there and look. But I don't want a girlfriend. I'm fine with where things are right now. Okay? When the time comes for me to go dating, I'll be the one to decide... that stuff." Chet crossed his arms to give a sense of finality to his words.

Twilight sighed. "Chet, Cadence is the Princess of Love. She is an expert on emotions and relationships. You can trust that she knows what she's doing and can help you."

Chet faced Twilight, his closest friend in this world of giants. "I don't need her help because there isn't a problem here for her to solve."

"Really?" Cadenza challenged, crossing her own arms.

Chet was a bit intimidated. Hard not to be when a furry person that large semi-threatens you. "Yes. I'm fine."

Cadenza raised a brow. "You are happy? Completely? The fact that you'll never see your old friends, family, or lovers again hasn't affected you in the least?"

Chet winced. "I didn't say that."

"Do you really think just burying yourself in the history and culture of Equestria will be enough to escape the past you lost?"

Twilight's ears perked at that, but she didn't add anything.

Chet sighed quietly to himself. He felt defeated. Exposed in some way. Was that what he was really doing? "My old life is gone. I'm just trying to make a new one. To do that I need to know about this world, you know?"

Cadenza's eyes narrowed. "And what possibilities do you see for your new life so far?"

Chet bit his lip and eventually gave a helpless shrug. "I don't know."

When Cadence spoke again her voice was much softer. "Mr. Bowman, you are small and you are helpless. You cannot build a life for yourself. You will always be dependent on another from this world. That's why you feel so lost. You need a pony to take care of you. Until now your well-being has been guaranteed by the crown and by Twilight, but that help does not come with the kind of emotional support you really need. It's been six months Mr. Bowman, it's time to try a different approach. Please let me help you."

Chet looked at his feet. "I don't see how getting a girlfriend is supposed to... do anything." Was that even an argument?

Cadence snorted in amusement. "You'd be amazed what wounds of the heart can be healed by simply having another so close to you. A proper lover is very different from a friend."

Twilight rubbed her chin in thought at that. She had been studying the magic of friendship for some time, but Cadence had been studying the magic of love for even longer. She was intrigued.

Chet wasn't ready to surrender yet. "I don't want you forcing some girl on me."

"And I won't," the pink pony said firmly.

Chet glared at Cadenza for a moment. Then he deflated and scratched his neck. "What do you want from me?"

"I want you to accept a mare into your life. To develop a relationship that is deeper than the one you share with Twilight and especially the crown itself."

Chet was quiet for a long time as he stared at the floor. Well, the tabletop beneath his feet. Did Cadence have a point? Was he miserable? Would dating help? Sounded more like he should find a therapist. But he wasn't sad! Was he in denial? Using Twilight as a distraction from everything he'd lost since coming to Equestria? Now that Cadence was pointing it out, Chet wasn't sure he knew how to feel anymore. Maybe he really wasn't happy. He was NOT sad! No, he was just empty. Drained. Hollow. Chet didn't like this feeling. Had it always been there? He didn't want to feel this. He also didn't want to be one of those idiots who refused help simply to defend a meaningless pride.

Chet took a very deep breath. He looked up at Princess Cadence waiting patiently for his response. "Alright. We'll... try it your way."

Cadenza's face lit up with a bright grin and she clapped excitedly. "You won't regret this Mr. Bowman. I promise you'll be happier than ever before once my work is done!"

"Yeah yeah," Chet mumbled half-heartedly, "my life is going to change forever." Perhaps he could escape this by simply turning down every mare Cadence tried to hook him up with. "So what are you going to do?"

Cadence coughed into a fist and cleared her throat. "First I need to create your personality and preference profile."

Chet blinked up at the large equine woman. "What?"

The princess giggled. "I need to cast a spell on you to determine what kind of mare is right for you."

"Whoa whoa whoa," Chet objected quickly. "You are not about to go casting that on me. I don't want you reading my mind. That is private stuff."

Twilight chose then to play the guilt card. "Please Chet, trust Cadence. Her spell won't hurt you. It's just to scan you and she'll only use it to find you a compatible match."

Chet and Twilight stared at each other for a few seconds. Twilight had never led him astray and he liked her. He trusted Twilight and she was asking him to extend that trust to Cadence. "Fine..." the man eventually relented.

After a short pause Cadenza's horn began to glow blue and a matching glow surrounded Chet. He half-expected to feel something poking around his head, but the only sensation he got was a tingle over his skin like he'd run into a spider web. Next thing Chet knew it was over and the Princess of Love had her eyes closed and a look of complete focus. The man took that time to brush his arms and chest to get rid of the lingering feeling of being scanned. Meanwhile, Twilight watched Cadence as she... did something.

"So... are we done here?" Chet asked after a minute or two had past.

"Hm," Cadence muttered as she came out of her trance with a small jerk. "Oh, yes. The spell was a success. Now I just need to find a match. Don't worry little Bowman, it won't be long until you have a mate who you can pour out your heart to." With that the pink pony stood and left the room.

Chet wasn't sure what to make of the events that had just taken place. He'd been confronted, surrendered, and now coming soon he was going to have a date. It was all very abrupt and confusing. He turned to Twilight and merely shrugged.

She giggled at that. "Yes, today has been very... different. Where did we even leave off?"

"We're going to keep going like none of that just happened?"

"Do you want to stop for today?" Twilight asked with a tilt of her head.

Chet sighed. "I think I need to lay down. That was way too much... stuff."

Twilight smiled sympathetically. "Yes, I can imagine. Let's end early today."

The days came and went. Chet almost forgot the Princess of Love was off somewhere trying to find him a girlfriend. In the meantime he and Twilight continued to meet every day to share stories and explanations about their respective worlds. However, the tone of their discussions was darker. Neither of them was as lively as before. It could have been due to the revelations Cadence had exposed. Or it could have been that the two of them were running out of things to talk about. Honestly, Chet had gone over every ounce of human history he remembered, described what he understood about as many religions as he was capable of, and even begun defining various memes and slang terms. Despite how big and complicated a world is, there was a limit and Chet feared they might be getting close after so many months of endless sharing. What would they do when there was nothing left to say?

Then Princess Mi Amore Cadenza came bursting into the room in the middle of their latest discussion.

"She is here!" the pink pony woman announced. "I have found Chet a mare!"

Accompanying the alicorn was a short pony in a maid outfit. A black and white frilly dress complete with a little bow tie enclosed her cream colored fur. She had a golden mane that was tied back and she glanced shyly into the room from behind the taller and more energetic princess. Chet and the maid's eyes met.

Twilight sat up in her seat. "That's great news. It's only been two weeks."

Cadenza pranced into the room with the maid a few steps behind her. "Yes it was fortunate that one of the castle staff turned out to be almost a perfect match!"

"Almost perfect?" Chet repeated.

"Don't be so quick to judge," Cadenza scolded him. "Vanilla Wipe is nervous enough about this meeting. You should be nice."

Chet opened his mouth to refute her in some way but hesitated. He didn't want to hurt this random mare's feelings. "I'll try to be nice, but I'm still not sure about this whole thing."

"That's why she's here!" Cadenza gushed. "To introduce you two." The alicorn grabbed the poor mare's arm and pulled her in front of the second couch where she pushed her down into the seat.

The maid was quick to tuck in her skirt and squeeze her knees together, obviously not wanting little Chet on the center table to see her panties. That would have been extremely awkward. Though the almost peek convinced the man to give the mare a once over. Her uniform didn't come with a hat or gloves, but she did have long sleeves and a pair of tall white stockings that extended to just above her knees. Additionally, Chet couldn't help noticing that the mare had no breasts. She was flat as a board. However, while the puffy skirt made it difficult to be sure, she may have made up for it by having a fair amount of bubble butt.

Chet didn't want to admit it, but he thought she was cute.

"Now Chet," Cadence began, "this here is Vanilla Wipe. She works in the castle as a maid. Vanilla Wipe, this is the stallion I was telling you about. His name is Chet and he's nervous about this arrangement too. He just has a more aggressive way of expressing it."

"Hey!" Chet protested. "I'm not nervous. It's just that I don't want to do this." He immediately regretted saying that. The maid's ears pinned. He had already hurt her feelings.

"Chet," Cadenza said harshly, making the man flinch. "I believe you agreed to at least give this a chance."

The human sighed and rubbed his neck as he stalled for time. "I... guess I did. It's just weird."

"Because you are making it weird," Cadence stated simply. "All you have to do is talk to each other. Believe me, the two of you will be dating before the day is over."

There was a moment of silence as the potential couple eyed each other and the room's other inhabitants. There was an awkward shuffle as the two tried to get more comfortable. Then an agreement between them was reached without the need for words. Though it was Vanilla who found the courage to say it aloud.

"Excuse me Princess--err--princesses," she corrected. "Can me and Chet... have some time... alone? Please?"

Cadence and Twilight blinked. Then they giggled while excusing themselves from the room and tossing out cliché advice. Then it was just the two of them. Vanilla Wipe, a small mare in a maid uniform. Chet Bowman, a human who was shorter than a pony's thumb. Neither of them spoke for a while. Then Chet couldn't stand it anymore. He stood from the stack of bits he used as a seat and cleared his throat.

"So... Princess Cadence told you about me?"

Vanilla nodded shyly. "Yes. She warned me about your... height. So I knew you weren't a... normal stallion before I agreed to this."

"So she, like, interviewed you?"

"Yes."

"What do you think?" Chet asked while holding out his arms for her to inspect.

Vanilla leaned forward and ran her eyes over his tiny body. "You're cute."

Chet's arms fell back to his sides. "You... really want to try... this?"

Vanilla tilted her head. "You don't?"

Chet bit his lip. "You're actually interested in being with someone... like me?"

The mare frowned in disappointment and brushed at her skirt, smoothing the wrinkles. "You don't want to even try?"

Chet shook his head. "It's not that I don't want to, it's that I don't... see how."

Vanilla looked confused. "We talk, get to know each other, then spend time together. Seems pretty straight forward."

Chet laughed. "Yeah, if we just wanted to be friends. But we're supposed to be... lovers."

"Yes," Vanilla nodded, still unsure where he was going. "That's what Princess Cadenza was hoping for."

Chet realized the mare didn't get what he was vaguely referring to. He'd have to be far less subtle. The man started to pace on the table while massaging his head. "How do I say this?"

"Say what?"

Chet stopped and turned to the mare. He clapped his hands once and gestured to her. "You are an adult, right?"

Vanilla raised a brow. "Yes."

Chet nodded uncomfortably. "So, let's have a real adult conversation. No beating around the bush. No games. No dodging the truth."

Vanilla sat straighter, while also discretely tugging the hem of her skirt which had pulled upward with the motion. "I can do that."

"What is the goal of lovers? The ultimate point of dating?"

Vanilla looked up in thought for a moment. "Happiness?"

Chet snorted. "You got that from Cadence. And no. The goal of lovers is... sex."

Vanilla blushed, but didn't say anything to that.

"The point of dating and all that is ultimately sex. The stick in the hole dance. It is the final expression of love. Now tell me, how are we supposed to do that?" Chet punctuated his question by holding out his arms again and pointing to himself.

Vanilla winced. "I... I'm not sure I should say it."

Chet sighed, dropping his arms once more. "I know what you're thinking. I considered it myself. The only way I could... have sex... in this world is if I went cave diving." Chet paused for a moment then added a bit more darkly, "you'd have to shove me up your vagina."

Vanilla's blush returned even brighter than before and she squirmed in her seat. "Yes, that's what... I was thinking too."

"It's okay," Chet reassured her. "I'm not grossed out or anything. It's just... I don't know if I want to do that and I'm sure you don't want to do that either."

Vanilla continued to squirm. "Actually..."

Chet's mouth hung open. "Wait, you want to..."

Vanilla cleared her throat and gripped the fabric covering her thighs. "Cadence asked me about... that sort of thing. So I've been thinking about it and... I'm... okay with it. If you are."

Chet stared. For a while neither of them had anything to say. They simply sat there. Then the man spoke up.

"Alright. I think what we need to do is decide what we each want -- expect -- from this relationship. Does that sound like a good idea?"

Vanilla hummed agreement. "I once heard somepony say that the key to a strong relationship is good communication."

Chet nodded. "Right. So I guess I'll start." Chet took a few seconds to organize his thoughts. "I don't want to be treated like a pet. I don't want to be babied or for you to act like I'm super delicate. I want... to be included in things. I don't want you to be afraid of hurting me. I also want to know... that I'm enough."

"Enough?" Vanilla couldn't help it. The phrase confused her.

Chet swallowed. "Vanilla. I'm small. I... can't hug you. I can't pet you. I can't even properly kiss you. I'm... small. I'm going to be little more than... your living sex toy. I... I guess I just don't want you to see me like that. I... I'm afraid that I won't be seen as a proper boyfriend. Or husband I guess. I don't want you to get bored with me and start seeing other men. I don't want you to cheat on me!"

Vanilla was clearly surprised. "I would never."

The man cleared his throat and turned away from her, embarrassed by his own outburst. "So my... conditions aren't a problem for you?"

The mare slumped in her seat a bit and brushed the surface of her dress. "I have no complaints. You want me to love you as a stallion, not to be afraid of hurting you, to include you in activities, and to be loyal. Is that right?" At his nod she continued. "I accept."

"What about you? What do you want from this relationship?" Chet asked quickly.

"Me?" Vanilla tensed, gripping her skirt a little tighter than before and pressing her knees together a little harder.

"Yeah," Chet said. "What do you want from me?"

The maid wrinkled her face in thought as her eyes bore into the backs of her hands in her lap. "What do I want?"

Chet waited, feeling somewhat better about where this was going. Though he was also anxious. What was Vanilla going to demand?

After a minute of being quiet she spoke. "I always wanted a stallion who was smaller than me." She glanced at Chet and smiled. "I've always wanted a stallion I could tease and... dominate. A little man who would let me get away with constantly pointing out how I was bigger than them. Though I never thought I'd find a boy shorter than me," she admitted. "But most importantly," she went on, suddenly serious, "I want a man who is open to experimentation."

"What do you mean by 'experimentation'?"

"I..." Vanilla grew bashful and curled into herself. "I have a lot of... kinks. I want a stallion who is willing to... try... lots of things." Her eyes latched onto Chet with a hopeful twinkle.

Chet made a silent "oh" as understanding hit him. He could be Vanilla's perfect match. He was smaller than her, it would be easy for her to "dominate" him -- whatever that meant exactly -- and among her kinks must have been something about using her partner as a sex toy. Chet was a dream come true.

The human felt himself sweating under the intensity of her gaze. He wiped his forehead. "I'm not sure about those," he admitted. The life immediately began to drain from Vanilla's face. "But that's just because I don't understand!" he said quickly. "I'm not sure how to feel about you wanting to tease me and I don't know what you mean by 'dominating' me."

Vanilla regained some of her optimism at his wish for clarification and was eager to explain. "I just want to... loom over you. To have you always looking up at me. I want to feel... powerful. Like I'm big. Your entire world." She was blushing again. "And I just want to joke about your height a little bit. Is that too much?"

Chet chuckled at her desires. "No that's alright I guess. We'll just have to see what you've got. As to looming over me... sure. Why not?" Vanilla began to smile with relief. "But about the kinks thing..." Vanilla frowned. "I don't know. What kind of... what kind of things did you want to try?"

Vanilla began to fidget. Her fingers played with the edges of her skirt and she couldn't force herself to look at the man on the table. "Well, other than shoving you in my pussy, what about... my butt?"

Chet wiped some sweat off his brow. This was getting a little hotter than he expected for a first meeting. "I... guess I'm okay with that."

"Using you as a sponge in the bath?" Vanilla continued with a bit more confidence.

Chet rolled his eyes. "As long as you don't drown me."

"Sucking on you?" she asked with a smile.

"I was kind of hoping you would," Chet replied with a bit of sass.

Vanilla responded by clasping her hands together in front of her and getting slightly excited. "And having you massage my hooves?"

Chet waved his hands as though trying to hold back some of her overflowing energy. "Whoa there, I guess I'm a little more open than I thought."

Vanilla giggled as she sat back and relaxed. "I hope so. I've got a lot of ideas how to play with you."

Chet actually laughed. "So, getting back to the point, what did you want in this relationship again?"

It took the maid a moment to remember what she had said originally. "I want a stallion who is smaller than me, who I can tease and dominate, and who is open to lots of kinks."

"I accept," Chet announced with a nod.

Vanilla practically melted into the couch. Chet fell back onto the pile of bits. That was intense. Chet felt like they had both accomplished something today. Had they actually agreed to be lovers? He didn't even know her!

Chet coughed loudly, causing Vanilla's ears to perk. "We uh... need to schedule a first date."

The mare looked confused for a second before her eyes widened in panic. "Oh my gosh, you're right! We don't know anything about each other! We've got to go someplace to eat and share all our silly stories and hobbies. All we did was agree to... what did we even just do?"

Chet shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe we skipped a step. So I guess we need to back up and start over?"

Vanilla smoothed the crinkles in her skirt for a moment. "No, not start over. I think that was a good place to begin. Now that we have the finale figured out we just need to get there. This is going to be a weird relationship huh?"

The two of them giggled.

"I'm not sure it ever had a chance of being normal," Chet thought aloud.

Author's Note

I wonder how many people will ignore or somehow miss the "subtle warnings" about what's coming. I'd prefer if people simply left their downvote as soon as they're done reading the description and got on with their lives rather than following the story, getting intrigued and interested, then slapped in the face with the "surprise". I do not want to read those stupid whiny complaints. Though I have considered writing a second alternate ending where the "surprise" doesn't happen and everything is as it appears. Though that would kind of ruin the drama and suspense of the reveal that is intended. But I've got to consider that some people are just here for the sex anyway.

Lastly, I have absolutely no idea how to pronounce Chet. It came up when using a random name generator and I was like "that's good enough". Couldn't use Anon for a serious story like this after all.