The Human and the Tall One

by TheMadBrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 9539

Something's not right in the land of Equestria. Faceless ponies, strange being's. Seriously, what the hell is going on?

Quick note: I apologise if you received a notification about a new chapter, I accidentally published an unfinished chapter when I fell asleep at the computer :P)

I've just landed in Equestria. Awesome? No not really. Especially when all the ponies don't have faces and are trying to kill me, or hurt me or something. Plus there's that weird wizard wannabe Gary-Stu guy trying to brainwash me and take over Celestia's throne for some revenge plot or something. It also doesn't help that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, but hey, at least I've got to visit my favourite ponies. Maybe I can get back home in time for tea. Mmm, shepherds pie…

Takes place just after the season 3 two parter.
Contains swearing.
Cover art not made by me, but I am working on my own art.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-05-01 02:37:15 UTC

Searching for a princess

          I hopped off the train, stretched my legs and breathed in a breath of lovely Equestrian air. It felt and tasted a lot better without the car fumes and other polluting crap.

     "Welcome to Canterlot!"  Braeburn announced.

"The home of the most awesome princesses ever!"  I exclaimed.

Braeburn shot me a suspicious look.

          I walked towards the castle, looking at anything and everything. The shops that lined the streets, once bustling and loud, were empty and quiet. I was stopping myself from exploding with excitement, which was a monumental task, but I focused on the task at hand, then a voice in my head reminded me of something I needed to do.

You need to talk to Braeburn about his behaviour.

Thanks, you're actually being useful for a change I replied to the voice.

     As if on cue Braeburn suddenly started talking first.

"The names Braeburn, I should 'ave told you sooner but it completely slipped my mind. What's your name?"

     "My name's Chris, just Chris," I replied.

"That's an odd name, so what are your weaknesses?"

     "Well it is a human name so- wait what? Why would you ask that?" I asked confused.

"Oh, uh, ah no reason, was just curious that's all,” the stallion hastily replied, giving me a nervous looking smile.

     "Uh, okay," I slowly replied, and kept on walking towards the castle.

Very strange behaviour, I hope the other ponies aren't like this.

          We had walked for about 5 minutes in complete silence until we had finally reached the castle. I hadn't noticed before, I was too excited, but it was very quiet, in fact, I hadn't seen another pony since I got off the train. Spooky.

     "Hey, where are the guards?"  I questioned.

"Oh uh, beats me, but tha princess should be inside" Braeburn spoke.

     "Well lets go find her!" I shouted, fist pumping the air for no particular reason.

After 20 minutes of searching the castle for princess Celestia, I was hopelessly lost, irritated and confused as to why I hadn't found her yet; on top of that, I was bloody hungry.

     "Hey Braeburn, Do ya know where I can find-"

I turned to where Braeburn was walking, and was met with empty space.

     "Braeburn?" I shouted, looking around trying to spot him round a corner or something.

          I carried on following the corridor, still trying to find Celestia and trying to sort this mess out, when I heard the clopping of hooves coming from behind. Turning to the source of the noise, I finally found who I was looking for. Then I saw it.

And shit a brick.

Do you know the way Celestia can look very intimidating? Well imagine that.

Then imagine it without the face.

That's right, Celestia was a slender pony, and believe me, she looked fucking scary.

So I did the most logical thing I could think of at the current time.

I punched her in the face, well where her face should be, and ran of screaming like a psychotic madman.

          I ran as fast I possibly could, the sound of hooves was getting closer, and I dreaded to think what would happen if she caught me. I ran around a corner, and was met with a painful blow to the face. Pain flared up across my face and my eye swelled up drastically to the point I couldn't see properly. I picked myself up and found myself face to face with Braeburn.

     "What did you do that for Braeburn!?" I shouted at him, but I received no reply, instead I got another hoof to the face.

          Blackness surrounded my vision, I heard a loud booming female voice, the flapping of wings, shouting, and then I fell to the ground unconscious.

          I awoke, groggy, for the third time today and rubbed my face. I felt a huge lump from where Braeburn hit me, and winced from the pain. Hooves sure are hard. I got up quickly and prepared myself to fight.

     "You need not fear me human." a voice boomed, very close to my ear. I recognised the voice. It was the royal Canterlot speaking voice. I turned to the voice and found Princess Luna, looking at me with a slightly worried look plastered across her face. Aw yeah, I just met Princess Luna, success. She was only a bit taller than me, but she was still pretty big. I had to resist the urge to stroke her simmering, flowing mane, it just looked so damn touchable and soft.

     "Ow, what happened?" I asked, rubbing my face; it felt worse than the time I ran into a door full speed, drunk off my ass.

"Oh, um, I am not quite sure" Luna replied, "but rest assured I will get to the bottom of this horrible mess".

     "Well that sounds fantastic" I responded, "but can we get an ice pack or something, my face feels like it's on fire and I think my eyeball did a back flip and came loose".

     "Oh my, let me help you!" She offered.

          The alicorns horn started glowing brightly, and I felt a warm feeling spread across my face, which felt nice; then without warning it suddenly turned ice cold, so cold it made my jaw shiver uncontrollably. Well at least my face wasn't lumpy any more, plus my eye felt a hundred times better.

"Thanks", I replied, "but how did you know I was a human?"

     "I know much about your kind, but my sister knows much more than I" Luna responded, "so I shall let her explain when she awakes."

"And how long will that be?"

     "Not too long, I hope," she tentatively replied.

"What did you actually do to her?" I questioned.

     "I placed a spell on her that would break anything possessing her and place her in a restful sleep" the princess replied, "something possessed her and took away her face, and I wan't to find out who or what did it."

"And what about Braeburn?"

     "Who is this Braeburn you speak of?" Luna asked.

"The other pony that was here, yellowish coat, apple for a cutie mark?"

     "He vanished, I searched for him, but I failed to find him" the alicorn replied defeatedly.

          Sighing, I stared at Celestia sleeping peacefully, she looked so much better with her face back. She was huge, and I mean huge, she was about a head and neck taller than Luna, which meant she would be towering over me when standing. She was also a lot larger in body size compared to her younger sister, which just made me feel smaller; at least Braebrun and the other ponies were smaller than me.

          While I watched Celestia breathe, a stray thought popped into my mind

"Did ya'll see that?"

"That pony didn't have a face!"

Then it hit me.

Hard.

Harder than a sack of frozen potatoes flying at the speed of sound.

          The pony  running onto the tracks, the black blur I saw out of the corner of my eye while I was on the train, the absence of ponies in Canterlot, the deathly silence.

          Slenderman was in Equestria.

          Actually, I may have overreacted. I didn't have any proof that Slenderman was here, plus I'm pretty sure he doesn't turn ponies into Slender ponies. Nevertheless, it made me paranoid. Very paranoid. I quickly glanced behind me to make sure he wasn't there,

          Celestia stirred and slowly opened her eyes. She blinked a few times and looked at Luna, then me, then focused her tired gaze on Luna.

     "What happened dear sister?" She asked Luna.

"You were possessed by something, or somepony" Luna quietly replied, " it felt very powerful, maybe even as powerful as you, Tia"

Celestia's face darkened slightly as she stood upright, and slowly turned to face me. Yep, she is a very big pony.She literally towered over me, she made me feel tiny.

"Are you responsible for this?" She asked with a soft but stern tone.

     "What? No, absolutely not, I came here looking for you so you can sort this mess out, I don't exactly belong here if you hadn't noticed" I replied motioning to my body.

     "I am well aware of your predicament, young human, but right now, I need you to do something for me, it is of grave importance, I trust you are powerful enough for this task?"

"Powerful enough? And how does everypony know I'm a human!?" I replied exasperatedly.

Luna and Celestia exchanged worried looks. I didn't like that. It was worrying me also.

     "Are you not magical?" the alicorn of the night asked.

"No, why would I be? I'm just a human, anyway we're getting off track. What's this task you want me to complete?"

     "I need you to gather the bearers of the elements of harmony, and stop this malevolent force that threatens my subjects, and all of Equestria" Celestia practically shouted.

"So you need me to find Twilight Sparkle and the gang?" I confirmed.

     "Yes, how did you- never mind, we will discuss that later" Celestia looked at Luna. "I want you to go with him little sister, I fear this won't be an easy task to accomplish alone"

"But what about you Tia? Are you going to be okay on your own?"

     "I will be fine Luna, don't worry, now hurry, I doubt we have time to waste" Celestia replied. She turned her head to me and looked straight into my eyes. That look, it was burning into my soul.

     "Bring the bearers back to the castle when you find them, there are matters I need to discuss with you which may come as a shock to you, and the bearers" she spoke.

That did not sound good. At all.

          I was flying on Luna's back, heading towards Ponyville,which was, well awkward to say the least. Luna didn't seem to mind though, which did little to defuse the awkwardness of the situation. The wind blew through my hair, cooling my face, it felt good, soothing even. I could fly like this for hours.

I felt my stomach grumble. I forgot how hungry I was, and now I was starving.

     "Hey Luna" I shouted over the wind "How long will it be till we get to Ponyville? I'm so hungry I could eat a-"

I stopped myself before the word came out.

Luna looked back at me with a confused look on her face. She looked so cute when she was confused.

     "So hungry you could eat a what?" Luna questioned.

"Oh, uh, a big plateful of chocolate cake" I lied.

     "Oh, well it's not far now, we should be there shortly" Luna replied.

"Can't you just teleport to Ponyville?" I asked.

     "Yes, but I need to conserve my magic in case we run into any obstacles"

"Oh, right" I replied a little deflated. Oh well, at least I can enjoy the flight for longer, but boy I'm hungry.

          We had flown for what felt like an hour, passing over all the lands of Equestria; it looked amazing from a birds eye view, well an alicorns eye view; birds eye? Whatever it still looked awesome. We had flown mostly in silence, partly because the wind made it hard to hear, partly because Luna was quite shy when it came to talking, not as bad as Fluttershy, but spending a thousand years on the moon can really mess up your social skills. And Luna was living proof.

          My stomach started grumbling again, so to distract myself I started working out what I was going to do when I got to Ponyville, I needed some kind of plan of action so I knew what I was doing, instead of just aimlessly wandering the place wondering where to go first; Which happens a lot for me. But my stomach wasn't giving up, and growled even more, disturbing my train of thought.

     "What was that?" Luna suddenly asked, obviously startled my the sound of my stomach.

"It was my stomach" ,I replied "I am very hungry"

     "Well you're in luck, Ponyville is just over there" She pointed with a hoof. Sure enough I could see Ponyville, I could even see Twilights house and Sugarcube Corner. I couldn't wait to get there.

          About 2 minutes later, we touched down in the town square. I jumped off Luna and stretched my arms and legs, happy to be able to get some food down my throat for the first since I came here.

          I started walking to Sugarcube corner, delightfully thinking about what I would order when it occurred to me, I had no bits. Damn, how was I going to pay for food.

BOOM

Dafuq?

"What was that?" Luna asked

     "I think it was a drum," I replied, still confused as to why a drum would be in Ponyville.

          Then, for the second time, it hit me. I knew that sound. I heard it in a game I played recently; I game about finding eight pages in a forest. I knew what the drum meant, and I knew what accompanied that drum.

I turned around, and possibly my worst nightmare came true.

Magic and Chaos

          I shit my pants. No it wasn't Slenderman (thank Celestia). It was about a dozen ponies. Faceless slender ponies. I spotted a few familiar faces in the group, Lyra, Carrot Top, even Derpy had become a slender pony, to see them like this was, was...

Fight them, now.

Shut up you inconsiderate little prick I growled.

yeah yeah, you still love me though.

Fuck you. I hate that voice.

          A flash, a very bright one as well, interrupted my thoughts. I turned to find Luna literally kicking 50 shades of black blue and purple out of three of the ponies. She looked like she had done this before, which I found a tad worrying. I turned back to the pack of ponies just in time to see Carrot Top jump straight at me. Another part of me kicked in and without a second thought I right hooked the mare. She crumpled. I looked over to Luna who was now in the air, using magic and her wings to blow the rest of the ponies back and tumble over their hooves.

          A sharp pain in my side caused me to fall to the ground in pain. I got up and turned to find my attacker and instead received two hooves to the face, shattering my nose in the process. I stumbled back, clutching my nose in pain. Before the pony could attack me again, I grabbed the faceless ponies head and butted it with my own, causing the pony to stumble back and fall to the ground. It didn't get up. I turned to face Luna, who had finished off the remaining ponies with what looked like a sleeping spell, and started to check myself over.

Not too bad, I thought. I had a bruised side, a broken nose, and a couple of scrapes and cuts. I felt my nose, and realized it wasn't bleeding, which was a big relief and bloody weird at the same time. It should have been bleeding.

     "Are you okay?", Luna asked watching me tend to my wounds.

"Yeah I'm okay, I've been through worse", I replied, rubbing my side and slightly wincing at the pain. "What did you do to the ponies?"

     "I cast a powerful sleeping spell on them, which should keep them asleep for a while, and maybe get rid of whatever is possessing them and taking away their faces", Luna quietly replied. "Are you in pain?".

          Without waiting for an answer, Luna flared up her magic and began quietly healing my wounds. I felt that same warm feeling I got back at Canterlot Castle, only this time I was ready for the icy cold feeling that came afterwards. It definitely felt better when I knew it was coming. Instantly my was had been fixed, which felt weird. The grazes, cuts and bruises disappeared, and the pain in my side quickly subsided.

     "Sorry about the cold", Luna sheepishly said, noticing my jaw was shivering.

"It's fine", I replied giving her a gentle smile. "Now, where should we go for food? I know, how about Sugercube Corner? I'm sure Pinkie Pie will have lots of cupcakes and other awesome treats made already!"

I brief mental image popped into my mind. I pushed it out immediately.

Why did you do that? I thought you liked Cupcakes? the voice spoke.

NO, you like Cupcakes you sick disembodied voice.

Hey hey hey, you were the one who read it in the first place.

Only out of curiosity, I replied exasperatedly.

Whatever, the voice trailed off.

"Is everything okay?" Luna worriedly asked. She must have noticed I spaced out.

     "Yeah, everything's fine. Now let's get some FOOD!" I shouted excitedly.

          I literally skipped to Sugarcube Corner, which was about thirty seconds away from where we were fighting the slender ponies. I ran inside, expecting to be welcomed by Pinkie bouncing up and down because she just met a new pony (person), but instead I was met by an empty house.

"Pinkie Pie?" I shouted, but I got no answer from the pink mare.

     "Muhahahahaha!"

I knew that laugh. That unmistakable evil laugh.

     "Discord!" I shouted excitedly. I couldn't wait to meet my favorite cartoon villain.

"Hmm, you know my name, I can't say that doesn't surprise me".

     "I know much more than just your name" I replied, a huge grin spreading across my face.

          There was a pause; then a bright light filled the room, I heard a popping teleport like sound, then as the light faded Discord, the spirit of chaos and awesomeness appeared, giving me a sinister looking stare.

     "I also know your name, Chris. And I also know you're a human".

"For crying out loud how does everyone know what I am? Have I been here before and not remembered?" I asked frustratingly.

     "I am Discord; I know many things. I know your name, I know you're a human, I know-"

"Yeah yeah I get the picture. Now could you magic up a pizza or something? I think my stomach has started to eat itself", I grumbled, rubbing my abdomen. At that point I looked at Luna, who was giving me that 'what the fuck?' look.

     "Ah Luna, it's been too long. When did we last see each other, hmm oh yes, it was when you and your wretched sister imprisoned me in stone!"

"WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE RULED EQUESTRIA AND MADE EVERYPONIES LIVES MISERABLE!" Luna shouted at Discord in the royal canterlot voice, which is bloody loud. I thought the windows were going to shatter.

     "Guys..."

"Hellooo, I'm the spirit of chaos and disharmony, it's in my nature".

     "YOU STILL SHOULD HAVE TONED DOWN YOUR HORRIFIC ACTS OF CHAOS!" Luna angrily replied.

"Guys...!"

     "Are you still not angry with me for what I said to you before to turned me into a statue?" Discord asked Luna.

"NO! I SAID THOSE THINGS BEFORE YOU DID, SO-"

     "GUYS!" I shouted, using my own brand of royal Canterlot voice; although it wasn't as loud as Luna's, it still got the their attention.

          Immediately, the pair stopped arguing, and Luna stared at me with a look of shock, wonder and 'who the fuck do you think you're talking to?' displayed across her face. It was actually quite amusing, knowing I had just told a princess to shut her trap. With an air of authority, I started barking orders.

     "Discord, magic up a pizza, or some kind of food, I am bloody starving. Luna, go and check upstairs to see if there's anyone up there. And please, no more arguing, I deal with this far to much back at home" I grumbled.

          Imagine my face when they both did as they were told straight away, no questions asked, no buts, nothing. I would be lying if I told you I didn't enjoy thoroughly enjoy that. Although I sounded like a complete dick.

     "Here is your 'pizza' master", Discord spoke sarcastically, levitating the pizza toward me.

"You know what pizza is?" I asked, confounded that ponies, well Discord knew what pizza was.

          Discord didn't bother replying, and instead slumped in the corner of the room tapping his hoof on the hard floor, it seemed like I annoyed him with my random outburst. Oh well, at least I had something to eat now.

          I looked at the pizza. It was nothing special; plain crust, tomato and cheese topping, just a simple pizza. I was still happy with it. I took one of the slices and wolfed it down hungrily, savoring the taste of cheese and tomato mixed with the lovely, crispy base. It was cooked to perfection.

     "You want a piece?" I asked Discord waving a slice towards him.

"Hmm, I suppose it won't harm to try a piece".

          Instead if taking the piece in my hand, he magicked up his own pizza, and started biting down on a piece. At that point Luna came trotting down.

     "Nopony is up there".

"Oh, hmm, where could they be?" I thought aloud. "Hey Luna, wanna piece of pizza?" I held a piece in her direction.

     "What is this 'pizza' you speak of?" Luna asked quizzically, levitating the pizza slice with her magic. The princess gingerly took a bite out of the slice. Her face instantly lit up and she started chewing fast.

     "Your princess likes this pizza!", Luna exclaimed, swallowing the pizza.

"Hey Discord, magic up another pizza for the princess, It's funny watching her eat".

     "What's so funny about the way I eat?" She asked, slightly annoyed.

"Your facial expressions, that's why it's so funny", I replied, smiling at Luna.

     "Hmph", she replied and started eating her own pizza.

     "So, what do you think we should do princess?" I asked. We had left Sugarcube Corner and were wandering aimlessly somewhere, unsure of what to do. I knew I needed a plan before I got here.

     "We should find Twilight Sparkle", Luna replied

"Oh I've missed that lovely little mare, she was the most I've had in years", Discord spoke.

     "Why are you still here? Shouldn't you be creating chaos somewhere and annoying everybody?" I asked

"Well, I should be, but all the ponies in Ponyville and Canterlot seem to have lost something" Discord said, smiling evilly again.

     "Their faces?"

"Yes, how did you know?" Discord asked, a a look of confusion spread across the draconequus' face.

     "Luna and I met a few of them, and kicked their flanks", I replied grinning at Discords face as it contorted into a large smile.

"Twilight Sparkle has put up a protection spell around her house", Luna announced, pointing with a hoof.

          I looked in the direction of Luna's hoof and sure enough, there was a giant bubble surrounding the massive tree house.

Twilight is still alive, well she isn't a slenderpony. Hopefully.

"Let's go then!" I shouted, and broke into a run.

          I slowed to a stop and stared at the library. It. Was. Huge. The height of the tree was average, same as earth; but the width was massive, wider than any tree I had seen on Earth, and I've seen a lot of trees.

          Suddenly without warning, the tree house and the ground vanished, only to be replaced with the inside of the library, and a very shocked Twilight Sparkle. Her shock, however, instantly turned to pure rage as soon as she saw Discord.

     "What have you done to Ponyville!?" Twilight shouted, seething with rage.

"Woah calm down Twilight, he hasn't done anything", I replied, raising my hands and glancing at Discord, who seemed unfazed by Twilight's reaction.

     "The human is telling the truth", Luna responded, looking at Twilight.

"Sorry princess", Twilight mumbled, staring at the ground, "I should have-"

     "There is no need to apologize, I understand why you reacted the way you did", Luna replied.

"Princess, what's happened to the ponies? They don't have faces and everypony is trying to attack me and-"

     "SLENDERPONY".

"Excuse me?" Twilight stared at me, confused.

     "Uh, forget what I said.We will explain when we get back to Canterlot" I replied.

          Twilight looked me up and down, an inquisitive look on her face, looking at every inch of my body and clothes, getting more curious and excited as she looked. It was starting to worry me.

     "So, you're a human?" She smiled excitedly. "I've never met a human before; well they are myths after all. But I can't believe they exist! What spells can you do? Can you show me please?" Her smile increased tenfold.

"Uh, non. And what d'ya mean myth? And why do you know what I am!?" I shouted, annoyed and confused at the same time. Not a good combination.

          Twilight stepped back, slightly shocked by my reaction, and turned to Luna.

"My sister will explain when we get back to Canterlot, but we must find your friends first Twilight." Luna spoke with an tone of authority. "Do you know where they are?"

     "Hey Discord, why don't you find them? You seem to have unlimited power; I'm sure you could find them. I asked.

"I'm not your personal assistant you know" Discord replied angrily. He really doesn't like me.

     "For crying out loud, forget it then Sir moans-a-lot."

"I'm bored, It's time to bring about a big old storm of chaos. Muhahahaha." Discord gleefully exclaimed; and with a pop, he vanished.

     "Oh dear sweet Celestia" Twilight cried.

"He's the least of our problems", I said, scratching my head.

     "How is he the-"

"Twilight, there's no time to explain. Discord isn't helping, although I would be surprised if he did; we must find your friends and return to Canterlot. Luna explained.

     "Uh, right. What Luna said", I spoke, "We've already tried Sugarcube corner, where should we try next Twilight?"

"How about Carousel Boutique? I'm sure Rarity will be there, she hasn't left her house ever since she started working on her new line of clothing."

     "Brilliant, let's go then" I replied, heading towards the door. Luna and Twilight followed.

It looks like it's gonna get dark soon.

Boy I wasn't looking forward to nighttime.

          We walked/trotted to Carousel Boutique in silence, the clopping of hooves on dirt being the only sound that accompanied us; until Twilight decided to bombard me with her endless tirade of questions she'd obviously been waiting to ask me.

"What's it like in your world?

Do you use magic?

Can you fly?

How old are you?

Are you sure you don't know any spells?

Do you have more advanced technology than ponies?

How long do you live; longer than a dragon?

Do you have dragons in your world?

How many of your kind live on in your world?

Are humans more powerful than-"

"TWILIGHT! Please, stop with the questions; you're giving me a headache" I shouted, rubbing my forehead.

     "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to upset you" Twilight mumbled, tearing up.

Oh jeez don't cry please?" I pleaded. It didn't seem to work. "How about I answer your questions?" I asked reluctantly.

Twilight perked up at that idea.

I took a deep breath.

     "Our world is chaotic, busy, crazy etc. No, I can't use magic because humans aren't magical. Yes we can fly, but we build machines that are capable of flight; that's how we fly.  I am 19 years old. No, I don't know any spells. Like I said, humans aren't magical. Human technology is a lot more advanced compared to pony technology. Humans live on average sixty to seventy years, although some humans have lived longer than a hundred years. No, we don't have dragons, about six billion humans live in my world and I don't know about the last question."

          I stopped walking and hunched over, panting and breathing in huge lungfuls of air. How does Pinkie Pie do it so easily?

          Twilight kept walking but slowed her pace slightly, zoned out and absorbing the torrent of information I pretty much shoved down her throat.

"Oh, and where's Spike?" I asked.  hoped he hadn't been turned into a slender dragon.

The fire! The fire would be so hot!

"He's helping Rarity at her boutique, and how do you know who Spike is?" Twilight questioned, giving me a suspicious look.

     "I'll explain later. For now, just assume its part of my power". I regretted it as soon as I said it.

"So you do have power?" Twilight asked, her face instantly lit up with excitement.

     "No no no, I mean, ugh. I'll explain later, can you just stop asking me please?" I asked, hoping she would stay quiet for the rest of the journey. Or at least for ten minutes.

"ugh, fine" Twilight glared at me and kept walking.

          We walked in silence once again. Twilight stayed quiet, and Luna hadn't said a word since we left the library.

          The thundering sound of a drum echoed throughout Ponyville, startling us all. Twilight looked around fearfully, trying to find the source of the noise.

Crap. This isn't good.

          I looked behind me, to the left, then to the right. Nothing. I slowly kept walking, eyes peeled.

BOOM Twilight screamed and ran towards Luna, grabbing her foreleg. I looked to the right, to the left, and behind me. Still nothing.

Definitely not good.

          We passed Sugarcube Corner and neared the town square. I looked around, and spotted the ponies Luna and I had defeated earlier. They were still sleeping soundly on the floor. I noticed their faces had returned. That was a good sign. Luna's spell seemed to be working.

"Princess, what happened to those ponies?" Twilight asked, pointing a hoof at them.

     "I cast a special sleeping spell on them so they wouldn't attack us again." Luna replied. "the spell should also stop whatever is possessing these poor ponies".

Twilight fell silent once again.

Not long til we get to Rarity's,

          The sound of a  drum echoed throughout Ponyville for a third time, startling Twilight, although not as bad as before. The drum was louder than before. not good in the slightest.

Clop. Clop. Clop. Clop

          I looked behind me, and instantly wished I hadn't. Luna and Twilight turned around and gasped in perfect unison.

"Well, we're fucked".

chapter 4

          A mob of faceless ponies stood before us. Not just 12, more like 30. Unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies the lot. They all stood there. Silent, motionless statues. I looked through the crowd and once again spotted many familiar faces, well sort of; Octavia, Bon Bon, Juiced up steroid pony, or Roid Rage as you may know him by; Caramel, Berry Punch, Applejack? How did she become a slenderpony?

     "Howdy partner", a familiar voice shouted. The mob split in half and Braeburn trotted to the front, a strange, creepy smile spread  across his face. "Ya'll coming with me."

Braeburn. That damn Appleoosian who punched (hoofed?) me in the face. TWICE.

     "Howdy partner, I ain't coming with you", I retorted, grinning at the stallion.

"Ya don't 'ave a choice."

     "Well actually, I could just grab Luna and Twilight and telepor-"

          A sickening crack punctured the still air like a gunshot, followed closely by another equally sickening crack. I wheeled around and found Luna and Twilight, unconscious in the dirt; and two faceless pegasi slowly making their way towards me. I looked around. Ponies. Ponies everywhere. I want out!

What's your plan then genius? the voice in my head sneered.

Yeah, like I know what I'm doing.

          I bolted between the two pegasi and ran like mad, narrowly avoiding loose stones on the ground and pumping my legs like a crack dealer running from the police. I could hear the clopping of hooves getting louder and faster every second. They were gaining on me. Up above, pegasi were quickly closing in on me. I stopped dead in my tracks. I was surrounded. The pegasi formed a dense half circle around me. I quickly turned to run, only to be met with two orange hooves bucking me so hard it felt like Arnold Schwarzenegger ran into me with a battering ram. Terminator style. I literally flew back and crashed into the ground, the wind completely knocked out of me.

          I struggled to breathe. I gasped and wheezed, attempting to get as much oxygen as I could into my lungs. My chest screamed with pain with each breath, which only made my situation worse. I slowly got up, ignoring the pain in my chest and focused on escaping.

     "Ya ain't goin' anywhere", Braeburn anounced, trotting towards me. The mob of ponies had caught up, and formed a circle around me.

You're well and truly screwed now aren't you?

Shut up.

          A sudden flash of light blinded me and made my eyes feel like they were burning. The flash disappeared as fast as it came, and standing before me was the prince of chaos himself. The ponies took a couple of steps back; keeping their distance, unsure of what to do.

     "Where the hell did you go?" I shouted. I was still pretty peeved about him disappearing earlier.

"I was spreading wonderful chaos all across Manehatten. I turned the city into a cardboard cotton candy wonderland!" Discord replied, pretty stoked about his achievement.

    "Well while you were prancing about spreading your chaotic fetish everywhere, I was getting chased by these faceless bastards; plus I got bucked by Applejack, which still hurts like a bitch."

          Discord stared at me, confused by my choice of words.

"Ugh, let's just grab Applejack, Luna and Twilight and go" I replied rubbing my head. I suddenly felt lightheaded for some reason.

     "Why should I?" Discord sneered.

"Get 'em!" Braeburn suddenly shouted. Obviously he was sick of our little chat. As soon as he barked his order, the ponies charged.

I hate Braeburn.

"C'mon Discord" I pleaded. The ponies were closing in.

     "Oh fine then, you're the only fun round here anyway" Discord replied.

          With a loud pop, the world flashed out of existence and was replaced with the interior of Sugarcube Corner. I rubbed my eyes and looked around. The place was exactly the same, no moved furniture, no sign of anybody being here. I turned around and noticed someone missing.

     "Where's Luna and Twilight?" I asked, "Didn't you bring them with us?"

          Discord sighed heavily, clicked his fingers/talons and, with a flash the princess and Twilight materialized on the hard floor in a heap. Luna's cyan eyes fluttered open and her face contorted into a look of confusion and fear. Damn she looked cute. Twilight didn't stir; that hoof to the head most definitely knocked Twilight out. I looked around the room once more, checking my surroundings, before preparing for what we were going to do next.

     "Luna, can you cast that sleeping spell on Applejack when she arrives?"

Luna sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Yes, but you will have to keep her still so the spell works correctly."

     "Hey Prince of Chaos, bring in..." I paused for silly dramatic effect. "...Applejack."

          Discord clicked his talons, and the crazy, faceless orange mare popped into the empty space in front of me. I pounced on her, and held her legs together whilst pressing my body weight against her, constricting her movement. Applejack kicked and writhed and bucked. I was amazed she hadn't broke free yet.

     "Luna quick do the sleepy spell now!"

          Luna trotted over and fired up her horn. Her magical aura completely encased Applejack and I in a shimmering haze of blue. I stepped back as Luna levitated the cowpony, watching as her kicks and struggles slowly dissipated as her body began to shut down, ready for sleeping. Luna slowly lowered Applejack to the floor. I watched in awe as the mares facial features returned to her face. The eyes came first, starting at the edges and slowly filling in the colour. The mouth came next; the jaw forming first, then the lips molded themselves perfectly onto her face. Finally her freckles faded into view, completing the face.

     "That is bloody weird, and cool a the same time" I muttered.

The cobalt blue aura vanished and Luna stumbled, losing her balance.

     "Luna, you okay?" I asked, rushing to her side. I wrapped an arm around her neck, keeping her steady.

"uh, yes, I am fine" the princess replied, rubbing her head, "I used a lot of my magic for that spell; whatever's possessing these ponies, they have incredibly powerful magic, maybe more powerful than my dear sister."

Well that doesn't sound good does it?

"Hmm, we will have to find the other elements as quickly as we can" I said, stroking my imaginary Dumbledore sized beard, pondering what do to next. Luna and Discord stood idly, waiting for whatever my idea was going to be.

     "Discord, you can search the Everfree forest while Luna and I search around Ponyv-OH MY GOD CUPCAKES!"

          I ran over to the counter and grabbed two of the cakes from the box; how did I miss these earlier, and shoved in my mouth completely devouring them. They tasted so damn good, ten no, a hundred times better than the ones back home. I grabbed two more and demolished them, savoring the sweet taste of icing mixed with the crumbly moist texture of the sponge.

          I grabbed the box and turned around. Luna and Discord stared at me, utterly bewildered by my sudden outburst, as if I'd turned rabid or something. I grabbed a napkin from the counter and wiped all the crumbs and icing off my face

     "Anyway," I started, "Discord, you go to the Everfree Forest and Luna and I will search around Ponyville."

"Hello? Spirit of chaos and disharmony here, why should I take orders from the likes of you?" Discord shouted.

     "Because if you don't, all of Equestria will lie in ruins and you wont be able to have fun tormenting the ponies with your chaos and whatnot. Would you like that? Being free from your stone prison but not being able to do what you love most because you didn't listen to what I said?" I asked staring right into his eyes.

          Discord paused and scratched his chin.

"Hmm, I guess your right about that..." Discord trailed off, I didn't hear what he said. My vision became blurry and my head started spinning. I fell on my ass waiting for the dizziness to pass. It didn't pass. I sat on the floor for what felt like ten minutes before I attempted to get up. I failed.

     "Forget it I'll stay on the floor for a while" I muttered, holding my head in my hands, waiting for the dizziness to pass. Maybe I got slipped some strange new drug, or maybe the air in Equestria was killing me, I don't know. I hope it isn't the latter.

Good first impression; first time meeting ponies and you can't even stand up straight.

Worthless, useless scumbag.

You will never achieve anything in your pathetic little life.

"Oh shut up with your boring, old, repetitive crap", I shouted, startling the only two other conscious beings in the room.

     "Excuse me?" the princess asked, giving me a confused and anxious look. Discord merely stared at me with a look of utter confusion.

"Oh, er nothing, forget about it", I quickly replied, I don't think it would be a good idea telling them I speak to voices in my head.

          Twilight stirred and slowly opened her eyes. She gazed wearily over her surroundings, visibly confused at the whole situation. Who could blame her? She was sat in Sugarcube corner with Discord, Princess Luna, an unconscious Applejack and a six foot tall human; plus, the ponies of Ponyville had no faces. I don't think the situation could have been more confusing.

Actually, it probably could have.

     "Uh, what happened-OW!", Twilight cried, holding a hoof to her head.

"You got bucked in the head by a pony", I replied, rubbing my own head, grinning at the same time.

     "But, why would-"

"Cupcake?" I asked, handing the box over to Twilight.The mare merely stared at me like I was mad. Actually, I am a bit off the rails.

"I, er, thanks?" Twilight replied, levitating a cupcake from the box..

"NOW" I dropped the box of cupcakes, jumped to my feet and faced Twilight. The mare jumped back in fright , dropped the cupcake and stared up at me, displaying the most adorable frightened expression I had ever seen.

     "This is the plan", I continued, "Luna, you, Applejack and I are going to search all around Ponyville for your friends, because we will need the elements of harmony. Discord is going to search the Everfree Forest because he's a bad-ass and won't take shit from nopony, and he has unlimited power so he could kick anypony's flank. That was a compliment by the way" I looked towards Discord and gave him my cheekiest grin. He in turn gave me a bored, unimpressed look.

"Erm, Princess Luna?" Twilight questioned, completely unsure of what to do.

     "We will follow through with the human's plan, It's the only plan we have at the moment, and I will need to raise the moon very soon" Luna replied.

"Hang on, It's getting dark soon? How long do we have left until nighttime?" I nervously asked.

          Luna walked to the window of the cafe and stared up towards the sky.

"I must raise the moon in 1 hour and 12 minutes."

     "Oh shit, we better get moving fast then" I grabbed the box of cupcakes and made my way towards the door.

"But what about Applejack? We need her for the elements to work" Twilight spoke, motioning to the unconscious mare.

     "Oh yeah. I know, I'll carry her!"

"You'll carry Applejack?" Twilight gave me a skeptical look, then looked at Applejack, comparing size. "I don't think you can carry Applejack, she's probably too heavy."

     "Nonsense, she's smaller than me" I remarked. I dropped the cupcake box and walked over to Applejack. I went down on one knee and grabbed the orange mare under her forelegs, like a baby, and heaved her over my shoulder.

     "See, not hard" I smirked at Twilight.

Then my vision and balance decided to go on strike and I fell. Hard.

     Discord guffawed and Twilight even giggled a little bit. Luna just raised an eyebrow and gave me that look which mother's usually give then their child is being silly. I jumped up and brushed myself off, fixed my coat and grinned sheepishly at Twilight.

     "Yeah okay, I can't lift Applejack."

"Uh, wha' the hay-"

          I turned to face Applejack, who was slowly stirring and waking up. I stepped back, not wanting to get bucked again by the female, ponified equivalent of Rocky Balboa. It was bad enough the first time.

     "Applejack are you alright?" Twilight rushed over and helped her friend up, a look of worry glued itself to her face.

"Ahm alright sugar cube, ah bit sore in tha' head though."

    Luna stepped toward Applejack as she spoke. "Who did this to you?

"Ah have no idea, all ah remember was bucking some trees then ah woke up here."

     "Did you see anyone? Maybe a tall creature with no face?" I asked, hoping she said no.

Applejack looked at me, staring at my size and stepped back; a huge look of bewilderment spread across her face

     "Fuck fuckity fuck fuck." I turned to Luna. "How long did you say we have until you have to raise the moon?"

"1 hour and 6 minutes."

     "Shit, we need to get moving like muffins in an oven."

"Erm, muffins don't move in an oven" Twilight corrected, dumbfounded by the ridiculous statement.

    "I er, wasn't sure where I was going with that" I mumbled. Damn my stupid drunken arse.

Dropping in

          Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

          I instinctively slammed my hand onto the desk next to my bed to silence the alarm, but my hand instead met nothing but a rough, hard surface.

I woke up groggy and disorientated, nothing I wasn't used to, and rubbed my eyes. The sun was shining and the wind was blowing on my face. That's when I realised...where the bloody hell was I? I started thinking, maybe I stumbled into a field and fell asleep, I hope I haven't been robbed. I checked my pockets anxiously, and found my wallet, a lighter, my phone and a box of cigarettes. I had no idea where the cigarettes or lighter came from, I didn't have any when I left. I checked my phone to figure out the time, and found an unread message from one of my friends.

"Hey, where have you gone man?"  That's all it said.

          I went to reply but I spotted the no signal symbol on the screen. Dammit. I forgot about it and got my bearings. I was in a desert, oh how wonderful, and looked around. Nothing. Just sand and trees and the sun. My vision blurred and swayed. I rubbed them once more, harder this time, and started walking.

          Five minutes later, and I still had no idea where I was. I looked up to the sky. It was a bright clear cyan with not a single cloud floating in the vast blue expanses. I looked around once more in the hopes of spotting something other than sand or trees. That's when I looked at the ground. It was a colourful, bright shade of brown, with hardly any detail whatsoever and a strange, cartoon like appearance to it.

Shit, I thought, someone's given me a big dose of acid and crack. I started to wonder where I actually was.

          I looked up and spotted a strange shape shimmering in the distance. I stretched my tired legs and jogged towards the strange shape of possible doom. The shape slowly took the form of a small building, then more small buildings and finally, as I stopped to catch my breath, the shape took the form of a town, much like those wild west type towns from the films.

Looks a lot like Appleoosa I mused.

          A train whistled nearby. I quickly looked around and spotted a train slowing to a stop. I watched as the ponies pulling the train sat on the ground and rested.

The ponies sat on the ground.

Ponies.

My jaw literally dropped and my brain ground to a halt. I stared at the ponies, completely gobsmacked at what I was witnessing. Then it hit me. Like a baseball bat to a mailbox.

I was in Equestria.

Holy fucking shit.

Then I passed out. Typical.

          I woke up again in a dark and musty room, even more groggy than last time and with a splitting headache and pins and needles in my feet to boot.

     "Howdy partner!" someone exclaimed.

I shit myself. Once I recovered, I got up, and turned to the source of this strange noise. That's when I saw him.

Braeburn. Fucking Braeburn.

          I stared, rubbed my eyes and looked harder; yep it was definitely Braeburn, and I was definitely in Equestria, at least I hoped I was in Equestria and not some shady place of doom on Earth tripping major ball sack. That's when about 12 million thoughts raced through my head at the same time.

Holy mother of Celestia i'm actually in Equestria!

So awesome!

I'm scared.

Actually i'm terrified.

Muffins!

OMG I hope I meet Fluttershy!

Party with Pinkie Pie!

Am I still on acid?

Sonic rainboom!

Home?

I've definitely been slipped something dodgy.

          I decided to keep calm and not get too worked up about all of this. It was easier than I thought. Most likely because I was extremely tired and possibly hungover, and I still thought I was on acid; which seemed like the most realistic solution as to why I was in a cartoon pony world.

"How ya feelin?" Braeburn inquired.

     "Eh, I've felt better," I tiredly replied.

You're slow today aren't you? A voice in my head sneered.

Shut it you I replied internally to the voice, it immediately fell silent.

"So uh, what in the hay are you?" the pony quizzed.

    "I'm a human, from another world, possibly another universe. And don't ask me how I got here because I haven't a bloody clue. Can you get me to Canterlot?" I asked the puzzled pony.

"How do you know about Canterlot?" Braeburn inquired, giving me what I could call an evil eye.

     "Not important, I need to get to Canterlot so I can speak to Princess Celestia and sort this mess out, can you get me there?" I repeated.

"Well we have a train which can get you to Ponyville, then it will take you to Canterlot," He replied.

     "Cool, can you take me to the train?"

"Don't you wanna rest first?"

     "Nope, need to get to Canterlot now, I have a feeling something bad is going to happen," I answered, slightly impatient.

"Well I can get tha train ta leave in ten minutes, how's that?"

     "That's perfect. Do you have any water? I'm parched and possibly hallucinating, and how long have I been here?"

"We sure do, and you've been here fer about an hour. Come down when ya ready," he enthusiastically replied, trotting out of the room and downstairs.

          Something wasn't right about him. He didn't seem very, fazed about my sudden appearance, as if he had seen another human before. I shrugged it off, too tired to think about it and decided to stretch my legs and take in my surroundings. There was a wooden bedside table next to the bed I was sleeping on, a lamp, a chair in the corner, nothing much, just a normal, albeit pretty dusty, boring room. Everything looked like it did in the show, but with a strange 3D real life effect on top. Even Braeburn looked just like he did in the show, but with that strange 3D effect he looked uber strange. My eyes blurred again, and the room contorted into a quivering mass of bright colors.

Tripping balls!

I thought I told you to shut it I replied to the voice in my sore head, rubbing my eyes at the same time.

"The trains ready but you gotta get on now if you wanna get to Canterlot" Braeburn shouted from wherever he was.

"I will be right there" I shouted back. I checked my pockets once more to make sure I had everything, I blinked a few times, getting rid of the quivering mass of colour that was the room, ducked through the tiny doorway and proceeded to go downstairs.

          I entered what seemed to be their kitchen, I was greeted by several ponies, a couple of them were mares, the rest were bulky stallions. I towered over them. The larger stallions were almost as tall as me, their heads were pretty much level with my chest, and the mares were just a bit smaller than the stallions, although probably the same height when standing on two legs. All of whom, except Braeburn, had puzzled and frightened looks spread across their faces. Strange.

   "Here you go, better drink it quick, the trains gonna leave soon" Braeburn spoke as he pushed a glass of water across the table.

     "Thank you" I replied, downing the water in one gulp. It was the most refreshing drink of water I'd ever had.

I set the glass down and followed Braeburn to the train station.

          We arrived at the train station, and I marveled at the train. It looked just like the train from the show, only bigger, brighter and 3D. The pastel colours looked brighter and trippier than I ever imagined, which only served to make this experience more like an acid trip with added sparkles.

          I clambered into one of the small seats, attempting to hide myself from any other passengers. I didn't want to get kicked off the train as it was my only transport to Canterlot. The train lurched forward and slowly sped up, the wild west flashing past in a blur of brown, blue and yellow. I stuck my head out of the window and felt the cool breeze blowing on my face, already waking and sobering me up more.

          I started wondering what I was going to do when I got to Canterlot. What will I do? Run up to the princess and shout about some sort of random ass disaster? Run around like a headless chicken for no particular reason? Shout about Old Spice body wash? I don't know. What I do know is my head is very sore and I still think I have been drugged by someone who concocted a devilish brew of acid and cocaine. I sat down in the chair and relaxed, slowly closing my eyes. In the corner of my eye, I saw black. it was only there for a second, but it was long enough for me to realise what it was.

A black blur. Shocker.

          The carriage door and opened and Braeburn stepped in, looking flustered and in general, strange. His eyes were darting left right and center, as if something were watching his every move. Very strange pony. I wondered where he'd been; and what he was doing.

Doing bench presses with the prime minister?

What? That's the most idiotic thing you've ever said. Ever. Be quiet.

"Ya'll right there partner?"  Braeburn asked, eyeing me quizzically.

     "Yep, I'm positively dandy," I sarcastically muttered.

"Well if ya need anythin' i'll be in tha next carriage," he shouted, and then he was gone again.

I wonder if ponies understand sarcasm

I yawned and rubbed my eyes, feeling the heavy weight of sleep dragging my eyelids down, pulling me to the land of sleep and awesome dreams.

I just barely got to sleep when i felt the train suddenly lurch. The wheels screeched along the tracks, sending all the passengers flying. I fell forward, with considerable force and face planted the seat in front of me hard. Very hard.

     "MOTHERFU-"

"Ya'll right there?"  Braeburn frantically asked

     "Yeah, i'm just perfect," I shouted, rubbing my very sore head.

Now a sore head to go along with this headache

     "sorry 'bout that, some pony just ran out on to the tracks,"  he explained.

Because that isn't out of the ordinary at all.

     "Did ya'll see that?" A pony exclaimed.

"That pony didn't have a face!" another pony shouted.

          I looked out the window, ignoring the ponies inane rambling and focused on trying to get back to sleep, which was proving much harder than I thought. I could hear the other ponies talking about me, confused as to what I was, but too scared to talk to me or even look at me straight, I remembered that I needed to talk to Braeburn about that, and why he was so calm when I was around. It was very strange behaviour. The ponies started talking about the faceless pony again and I felt something niggling away at the back of my mind, I couldn't shake it. Something seemed familiar, like I had heard of it before. Familiar, but not in a good way.

          After what felt like 5 hours of just staring out of the window, a blank look on my face and completely zoned out, the train lurched and slowed down. I snapped out of my daze, sat up and looked out of the window into the distance. I could see Canterlot castle. It was huge. And let me tell you, it looked amazing in real life. It looked awesome. Absolutely awesome, actually. Incredibly awesome in fact. From the huge waterfalls to the towering spires, everything looked majestic and bloody amazing.

"We're here!" Braeburn loudly announced.

I had arrived in Canterlot. Fuck yeah!

Cancelled

This story has been cancelled. I haven't written for months, I haven't fully planned out the story and I feel I could have done a hell of a lot better. Don't worry though, I will be rewriting this, although I will probably delete this one and upload the new one, as I wouldn't want this left around. In the meantime, while I plan this story more, I will start writing up some ideas I've had over the past few days.

I have published chapter 4, which is no where near finished, but I figured you guys would want to read it anyway.

Hopefully soon, I will have a much better written version of this story. Until then, peace out, :)