As the cannonball plunged towards Anon’s head, he became convinced that this was definitely the worst day of his life. Being teleported to Equestria by Twilight Sparkle via a botched transportation spell—and subsequently learning that it was impossible to ever go home—had been bad enough, but being crushed into bloody pulp by a giant metal ball in a land filled with magical talking horsies was so much worse.
He couldn’t leap clear. He didn’t possess magic to shove it aside. With no other options available, Anon did the only thing he could: He let out the loudest, girliest scream he had ever given as death came for him.
But death didn’t take him.
A blurred mass of purple and pink tackled Anon, knocking him clear as the cannonball slammed into the plaza, blasting chunks of tile into bushes and nearby trees, shattering what few windows remained intact in nearby shops.
Anon was still screaming as he fell to the ground, rolled, and came to a stop. Barely had he realized that he was still alive when a familiar voice came to him. “Anon! Are you alright?!”
“Twilight?! Oh thank God!” Leaping up, Anon grabbed the pony in a death-hug, never so happy to see her in all his life. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
“Anon, you need to go!” Twilight yelled, pulling free of the hug; while she appreciated the gesture, she had more important things to worry about. “Get to the palace and tell Celestia that we can’t hold them back for long!”
Another barrage of cannonballs slammed into the plaza and surrounding buildings, demolishing homes, statues, and monuments that had stood for generations.
“Fine by me!” Anon yelled as he ran, joining the crowds of ponies stampeding towards the palace as Canterlot burned, the city streets hit again and again by a seemingly-endless barrage of cannonballs. Nearby, the city’s clock tower collapsed, the unseen bell tolling one last time as it shot out a tidal wave of dust and soot.
The palace finally came into view, the bridge covered with ponies fleeing through the main gates, ushered along by the Royal Guards. Anon was among the last to get through, the unicorn guards using their magic to raise the drawbridge, allowing the magical shield enveloping the palace to slam down into the earth, preventing any intruders from getting inside.
Gasping, Anon slowed to a stop, taking a moment to catch his breath, his incredibly well-muscled legs already recovered from his mad dash.
“Okay, okay,” Anon said to himself. “Get to Celestia... get to Celestia!” He started off again, the sounds of the invading army and the muffled explosion of spells slamming into the shield encouraging him to hurry.
***
Guards and soldiers ran about, palace staff directing civilians down into the cellars and caves beneath the palace. Anon paid them no heed as he hurried through the halls, apologizing when he bumped into someone, but letting nothing stop him from his task.
Finally reaching the throne room, Anon rushed inside, never so glad to see Celestia in all his life. She was standing beside a table with Thorax, both of them watching a magical display of the battle outside. It wasn’t good: Canterlot was all-but overrun, and the red dots that represented their foes far outnumbered the green dots of the city’s defenders.
Celestia looked up. “Anon.” She was relieved to see him safe, as was Thorax, but both immediately turned back to the display.
“Your Highness,” Anon said. “Twilight sent me! She said they can’t hold the attackers back for long!”
Celestia nodded. “I know... They’ve been captured.”
Six purple dots were moving away from the city and down the mountain.
Anon cursed. Twilight and the others had been captured before, but never had the situation been so dire.
“Twilight and the others have brought us time,” Celestia said. “Now we must find a way to counterattack and take back all that has been lost.”
A muffled explosion caused the chambers to shake. Dust fell from the ceiling.
“But what can we do?” Thorax asked. “We don’t have enough warriors left to repel Grogar’s forces, much less reclaim what he’s taken.”
Celestia’s brows furrowed as she tried to find something among her thousands of years of experience that could help them all.
“How about time travel?” Anon suggested. “I mean, we go back, figure out when Grogar and the others decided to join forces, and then shoot them in the head while they sleep.”
Thorax gasped. “Anon!”
“What? This is war!”
“Yes, but we’re trying to save lives, not take them!”
“Well, considering how Grogar’s about to conquer the last free city on the planet, I think it might be a valid option!”
Celestia remained silent, her eyes darting over the map as she tried to figure out a way to snatch victory from what looked like an increasingly-likely defeat. Grogar, Chrysalis, Sombra, Tirek, Cozy Glow, and the Pony of Shadows’ armies had spread at unprecedented speed across the planet, capturing settlement after settlement, city after city, until only Canterlot was left. Now, swarmed by an army of soldiers brainwashed by Sombra’s magic, those dedicated to defending harmony were outnumbered almost a thousand to one.
“There are few options at our disposal,” Celestia said, “none of them good.”
“Well, what’s the least worst option?” Anon asked.
“We marshal all our forces, charge out, and strike at Grogar and the other leaders. If they can be stopped, then their army will be momentarily leaderless, giving us time to break Sombra’s spell.”
Anon saw six yellow dots floating far away from Canterlot on the magical map near Ponyville. “If they’re in Ponyville, there’s no way we could sneak up on them,” he said. “They’ll be ready for us... I mean, you... long before you arrive.”
Celestia nodded. “Our last option is to continuously reinforce the shield around the palace and force their soldiers to enter via a narrow gap where they can be defeated one after another.”
“But aren’t there like, millions of them?”
“That… is true,” Celestia admitted. “And defeating them without killing them will be almost impossible.”
“And no matter how many we put down, their numbers will eventually overwhelm us,” Thorax pointed out.
“There’s still time travel,” Anon said.
“We are not traveling through time!” Celestia snapped. “We cannot risk altering the present and the future in ways that might make it worse than it is now!”
“How could it get any worse?!” Anon asked. “Trust me, Celestia, I know what happens when fascists and dictators take over countries back in my world, and it always sucks!”
“It has happened here, too, but in the end, they always fall. Friendship always prevails.”
“Not if they’ve enslaved everyone!”
The chambers shook again.
“How long can you keep the shield going?” Thorax asked Celestia.
“With help from the other unicorns, several hours. A day at most,” Celestia said. “But eventually it will wear out.” She sighed, reluctantly accepting the hard, cold math before her. “I am sorry, everyone… I can see no way out of this.”
“Don’t tell me you’re giving up!” Anon said.
“We may have to in order to save more innocent lives,” Celestia said.
“Screw that! There has to be something we can do!” Anon wished now more than anything that he could cast magic; he’d summon a few military drones from Earth and drop some well-placed missiles on Grogar and his allies. Hell, he’d even take a sniper rifle; Anon had never fired a gun before, but it couldn’t be that hard: aim at your target, squeeze the trigger, and watch their head explode from two miles away. Yeah, there was probably more to it, but he was no soldier. Never was, and never would be, but there had to be something he could do! He couldn’t just-
"Wait."
Interrupted from his mental rambling, Anon turned with Celestia to Throax, who had a hoof to his chin as a thought commanded his attention.
"What?" Anon asked. "What is it?"
"I know what we can do."
"You do?!"
"Yes..." the Changeling eyed Anon. "I don't think you're going to like it, though."
"Thorax, we're on the verge of being enslaved! And since time-travel assassinations are out, we can't be picky!"
“What is your idea?" Celestia asked.
Taking a deep breath, Thorax told them his plan.
Celestia’s jaw dropped. “You… You want to do what?”
Anon didn't reply, though his jaw had dropped as well. He was frozen solid, his mind momentarily shut down from the enormity of what Thorax had suggested.
"I know it's desperate," Thorax admitted, "but it's the only way we can stop Grogar and the others."
Noticing a distinct silence in the room, Celestia turned to Anon. Normally a chatterbox of jokes and light-hearted banter to put others at ease, he was now as silent as any statue standing above a pony's grave. From the look in his face, he fully expected to be in such a grave by day's end.
"Anon-"
"I'm not doing it," he said.
"I would not ask you do it, either, save that our need has never been so great."
"I... I can't do it! Celestia, you know me! I've never said I was brave, but this... this is too much!"
"You are... not exactly known throughout Equestria for your courage,” Celestia admitted. "But I have seen others like you before: those who would rather run than fight. Yet, when things were dire, when their loved ones were in danger, they found their courage, and became some of the bravest warriors I have ever seen." She gently put a hoof on his shoulder. "No one can force you to do this, Anon. But if you succeed, you will save us all."
Anon said nothing, but Celestia could tell he was searching for something to prove that this plan wouldn’t work, and that this was all folly.
"Anon... please. For our friends.”
***
You can do this, Anon kept thinking to himself as he forced his feet to walk down the streets of Ponyville. You can do this. You can do this! But the words gave him no courage or heroic willpower to do what was needed: he was surrounded by thousands of soldiers from Grogar’s army, all bewitched and mind-controlled with not only his magic, but Sombra’s as well. There were so many of them, ponies he recognized and knew and loved, all of whom now stared blankly ahead. If given the order, they would attack him without a second thought.
You can do this! Be brave! Brave like Twilight and the others! If a bunch of talking horsies can face down monsters and win, so can you!
Long used to the hostility of Earth’s wars and conflicts, Anon had always been amazed at how brave Equestira’s ponies could be, confronting monsters, tyrants, and even elemental spirits time and time again, no matter how badly the odds were stacked against them. It had been humbling to see them so brave, and to know that he would never have that courage, too.
Whenever he had faced monsters and freaks when traveling with Twilight and her friends, Anon had always screamed and ran away as fast as he could. Let his magically-inclined and much stronger pony friends take care of it while he ran away to get backup. It wasn’t the bravest thing to do, but Anon had kept telling himself that someone had to get backup, so why not him? Besides, he didn’t want glory, or to see himself immortalized in stained-glass besides Equestria’s mightiest heroes; all he wanted was a nice, peaceful life in that lovely cottage in Canterlot, and to run his massage parlor, where his fingers gave him an unbeatable advantage over all the other masseuses in the land.
But running away wasn’t an option this time. Twilight and her friends couldn’t help him; there was no backup he could get, and there was nowhere he could run and hide. It was all up to him, and if he failed, every free being in Equus would be enslaved for the rest of their lives, himself included.
No pressure.
At last, Anon reached Twilight’s castle, now draped in the banners of Grogar and his allies. They all stood outside the palace’s gates: Grogar, Queen Chrysalis, Lord Tirek, Sombra, the Pony of Shadows, the Storm King, and Cozy Glow, all watching him approach.
It took all of Anon’s self-control not to run away at feeling their malevolent gazes. He hoped they didn’t see the wet spot on his pants.
Okay, Anon, you can do this! Focus! Remember the plan!
“Anon!”
Anon looked up. Floating behind Grogar and the others were several cages constructed from magic-nullifying black stone, and within them were Twilight and the other Bearers, along with Luna and other leaders of Equus, all guarded by dozens of heavily-armed soldiers with magically-enhanced axes that could cleave a Minotaur in two with a single stroke.
“Darling, don’t tell me you’re giving up!” Rarity called out.
Anon didn’t answer. He wanted to reassure them that it was all right, but he had to stay focused on his mission, lest what little courage he had slipped away.
Stopping before Equestria’s greatest villains, Anon took a deep breath. “I have come to parlay!”
“He’s come to do what?” Cozy Glow asked.
“He’s come to negotiate a surrender!” Chrysalis said, not bothering to hide her glee.
Twilight and the others groaned. A few wept, despairing over hearing the words that would seal their doom.
Grogar came forward. “Celestia sent you? The human? She must be more desperate than I thought.”
“Will you hear me?” Anon asked, squeezing his fists to try and stop them from shaking.
“I shall hear you, ape. But I shall speak first: If you and your pony friends throw down your weapons and yield control of this world to me, I will spare your lives. And before you speak, let me remind you that you are in no position to dictate terms, so do not waste time trying to get a better offer than mine.”
“Uhh, okay... How about this? We settle this like men! I mean, like ponies.”
“And how will we do that?”
Anon took a deep breath. “Trial by champion in a fight to the death!”
“Really? Then tell me, who is Celestia’s champion going to be? Twilight Sparkle? Perhaps a friend of hers?”
“Me.”
Anon’s response was so unexpected that Grogar and his companions couldn’t muster up any villainous laughs. Behind them, Twilight’s eyes almost bulged out of their sockets, as did the eyes of her friends, all wondering if Anon was insane, had a death wish, or both.
“You?!” Tirek said. “You want to fight us?!”
“Yes!”
“We’re doomed,” Rainbow Dash groaned.
Pinkie’s mane collapsed to the sound of a deflating balloon.
“Your attempts at humor are… amusing, I admit,” Grogar said.
“You think I’m joking?”
“You obviously are.”
“Do you really think I would come down here, alone, surrounded by your entire army, if I wasn’t dead serious?”
“Or you’ve lost your mind. Or, more likely, you’re trying to delay us while Celestia carries out a scheme of hers.”
Anon breathed deeply, looking to Twilight and the others, using the mental image of them in chains and enslaved to give him the strength to continue. “I know I’m a coward. Hell, I always run away when any of you show up. But I’m not going to run... not this time.”
Breathing deep, Anon stood tall, waiting for Grogar’s answer.
“Fine.” Grogar said. “If you wish to die, then we will be happy to accommodate you.”
The others walked forward.
“But I warn you… it will be slow.”
Chrysalis hissed. Sombra’s horn glowed. Tirek stomped his hooves, making the earth shake. The Pony of Shadows spread his darkness, the Storm King twirled his staff, and Cozy Glow gave the most evil smile she could as she took out a switchblade and flicked it open.
Anon’s heart pounded so hard he thought it would explode. This was it. There was no turning back. It was do or die. Fail or succeed.
Anon stood tall, making himself as big as he could, like a man trying to intimidate a charging bear. “Grogar! Chrysalis! Tirek! Sombra! Pony of Shadows! Storm King! Cozy Glow! I, Equestria’s champion, challenge you to face me in combat! If I fall, then Equestria is yours. But if you fall, then all your captives will be released, your armies shall be freed from your control, and these lands returned to their rightful inhabitants! Do you agree to these terms?”
“We do,” Grogar said.
His hoof pawed the ground.
“Anon, please, don’t!” Twilight yelled. “There has to be another way!”
Anon’s would-be victims watched, not the least-bit intimidated at his own rather-feeble attempts to look intimidating. Anon didn’t relish the thought of killing them, but if doing so was necessary to save this world and the lives of millions, then he could live with that. But the others surrounding them were another matter.
“I have only one request,” Anon said. “I request that you withdraw your soldiers.”
“And why is that?” Grogar asked.
“So that there is no chance of them being harmed during our conflict.”
Sighing, Grogar indicated for the soldiers to withdraw. They did, save the guards keeping an eye on Twilight and the others.
Once the soldiers had withdrawn past the borders of Ponyville, Anon cracked his knuckles, breathed deep, and tore off his jacket, shirt, and tie, revealing the slightly-flabby torso of a typical human.
“Oh, look at the muscled ape!” Tirek taunted. “I’m so scared!”
A smile crept across Anon’s face. “You should be.”
“And why is that?”
“Celestia asked me to become Equestria's champion because I'm the only one you would all agree to face. And because she knew I wouldn't stand a chance in a fair fight, she gave me a little something to level the playing field."
He clenched his fists.
“She gave me her magic. All of it.”
Everyone’s grins vanished.
“And not just her regular magic,” Anon said, “but her dark magic as well!”
A pillar of fire erupted from within Anon’s body, instantly incinerating his pants, shoes, and remaining clothing. His skin turned a dark, crusty black, now covered with veins of magma that dripped onto the ground, burning the dead grass.
“No way!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
Grogar and his allies stepped back, eyes wide, shocked and terrified to see that Anon was no longer a pitiful human, but a god, his physique lean and bulging with chiseled muscle, his courage boosted to incalculable heights, and his will now as unbreakable as the earth beneath his feet.
Anon glared at his opponents. This power… it was unlike anything he had ever felt before! All his fear was gone, all doubts and worries evaporated. He had never felt more confident, more courageous, and more capable. He had the strength to do what had to be done. He had the power to win, and he would!
He would save his pony friends and the world that he had come to call home.
With a crack of the knuckles, Anon smiled as he started towards his opponents.
Then he realized that he was on fire.
“OH FUCK!” Anon screamed. “OH FUCK THIS HURTS! OH SHIT FUCK GODDAMNIT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Anon erupted, sending out a massive wall of fire as hot as the sun. Grogar saw it coming and managed to leap clear. Sombra tried to do the same, but the wall incinerated him, his body and horn disintegrated by the Flames of Justice. Tirek’s mass slowed him down, then his flesh, blood, and muscles were blasted off his skeleton, leaving it charred and standing comically for a moment before collapsing to the ground.
“FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!” Anon screamed, a torrent of lava spewing from his mouth that melted Grogar and his bell.
Chrysalis shrieked as the lava engulfed her, too, turning the Queen of the Changelings into a pile of boiling hot goop.
The Storm King hurled several of his stone crystals in a desperate attempt to turn Anon to stone. But the crystals that had allowed Tempest Shadow to conquer Canterlot with ease melted from Anon’s heat before they even reached him. Anon didn’t even see them, for he ran to the Storm King and grabbed him, shaking him up and down.
“MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP!”
Fire erupted from Anon's mouth like a flamethrower, melting the Storm King’s head and ending his reign of terror, as well as all his media contracts and merchandising deals.
“SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!”
The Pony of Shadows shot out smoky tendrils to grab Anon. Ensnaring him, he dragged the shrieking human into his mass, laughing as he took all of Celestia’s magic into himself.
His laughter turned into an agonized scream as he erupted into flames and was erased from existence, leaving Anon standing upon the field none the worse for wear, save that he was still on fire and still screaming.
Cozy Glow, contemplating her choices in life that had led her to this point, threw her switchblade to the ground and flew away as fast as her little wings could carry her.
“You did it, Anon!” Pinkie Pie yelled. “Hooray!”
Anon ran for the cages, the guards dropping their weapons and running away from the homicidal inter-dimensional ape-god who was on fire. Reaching Twilight’s cage, Anon grabbed the bars and tore them away, the rock melting into slag between his fingers.
“OHMYGODTWILIGHTTHISHURTSOGODDAMNMUCHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”
Yanking off the inhibitor ring that had been shoved onto her horn, Twilight immediately cast the strongest spell she knew, grabbing onto Celestia’s magic and calming it down until she finally contained it.
Anon’s cracked, blackened skin fell off, revealing healthy, normal skin. The flames vanished, and Anon’s godlike physique receded until he was his usual, non-muscled self. He collapsed to the ground, wisps of smoke rising off his body as he panted, overcome with the sheer bliss of no longer being on fire.
“Oh, Anon, you did it!” Fluttershy said as she flew up, beaming. “I’m so proud of you!” She grabbed Anon in the tightest hug she could, and was quickly joined by Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, then Twilight, and Luna, and then all the other heroes Grogar had imprisoned.
Practically buried beneath all the affection being lavished on him, Anon wanted to thank them all and say that it was all right, that all that mattered was that they were safe, that Equus was safe, and that its greatest villains were no more. But he was still worn out from wielding so much magic, and was content to just lie there in the embrace of his pony friends, letting them all hug him. It felt good. Really good, so much better than when they usually did it.
Then Anon realized that was because he was naked.
***
In the years to come, legends were told throughout the land about Anon, the legendary savior of Equestria and Equus alike. Given the honorary title of defender of the realm, he became a hero to all those he had saved from Grogar and his allies, including all the soldiers freed from his brainwashing.
Though flattered by the praise, Anon was more than happy to return Celestia’s magic, earning him even more praise from those who admired him for willingly giving up god-like power. If the need came, Anon would have reluctantly wielded Celestia’s magic again, but all the would-be tyrants in Equus realized it wasn’t wise to face off against an inter-dimensional talking ape with the powers of a god; whenever any monsters and conquerors saw Anon during his adventures with Twilight and her friends, they would scream and run away to try and get backup.
And thus it was that Anon, hero of Equestria, lived out his days in peace and happiness, content to give ponies back rubs, massages, and helping them feel good for the rest of his days. And forever after, he was remembered by a stained glass window in the Royal Palace commemorating his deeds... though he never got used to seeing himself being naked and on fire while screaming his head off.
