“Roll up, roll up! See the amazing two-winged, one-horned freak while it’s in town! I swear folks, you’ve never seen a horse like this before…!”
…Huh, what the…?
“... Did I mention it’s purple? With lavender streaks? And the most curious star symbol on its backside. I promise you everyone, it’s not painted on! Found the creature myself I did, sleeping the sleep of the damned… where, you might ask sir? Sorry, that’s a trade secret! Wouldn’t want you to scout out the area in case any more of these beauties appear…”
Who’s that… talking? Are they discussing… me? Argh! My eyelids! They feel like ten-ton weights! But I must… find out… what’s going on…
“...What’s that, madam? Your little cherub wants to have her picture taken with my newest acquisition? I can certainly arrange that: for the low, low price of thirty dollars! Usually it would be forty, but as it’s their debut appearance I’ve shaved 25% off the cost for today only! Can’t say fairer than that, can you? Just don’t go showing the photo to any government agencies, if you please…”
Ow! It's as if I’ve been headbutting the wall all night, too! I can barely stand the pain! I can’t just lie here, though. I… have to… know what’s happening….”
“If you all come here bright and early next week, I’ll even have some exclusive, limited edition purple horse merchandise to sell to you lucky, lucky people! Cuddly toys, balloons, snuggies… you want it, I got it! I’m even gonna start a competition to name the creature; First prize gets to feed it a handful of oats, and stroke her mane for not one, not two… but five whole minutes! Or you can take her for a ride… though, only if you’re a kiddy weighing under 100lbs. And I will have some scales on my personage, so don’t try and fool me… ”
...By Star Swirl The Bearded’s greying old beard!! Nopony is riding me around like a wagon (except for Spike, that one time) or petting me as if I were one of Fluttershy’s animals!!! And, I despise oats! Not quite as much as quesadillas, but regardless… I’ve had enough of them describing me like some kind of filly’s plaything when I’m right here! I don’t care how much it hurts to even breathe right now, I’m going to get to the bottom of this! Just… one… big effort… should do it…
“...Look, Mommy! The horsie! It’s moving!!”
An innocent child’s exultant scream heralded sunlight finally pouring back into Twilight Sparkle’s bloodshot eyes, and she staggered to her hooves to take in her suddenly silent surroundings.
She almost wished she’d stayed in the blissful naivety of unconsciousness, once her vision began to fully return.
Failing that, hopefully the horrifying image that’d suddenly appeared was nothing more than a dreadful continuum of some terrible nightmare which’d befallen her.
Soon good old reliable Spike would rouse the tossing and turning mare with a cup of morning tea, the daily newspaper and his usual sarcastic demeanour. ‘Should I run a bath for you, Your Majesty?’ he’d say in a faux-posh accent, and they’d both have a good giggle about it afterwards. If there was one pony who hated being treated like a member of the ruling gentry, it was Twilight.
Neither of these possibilities appeared to be true though, and the gaping mouths of the many differently-sized attired primates gathered outside the large iron cage she currently inhabited seemed all too real. There wasn’t a single familiar sight within eyeshot, and for a few seconds both alicorn and humans stared in amazement at each other, as if it was a challenge to see who’d speak the first word.
I don’t think I’m in Equestria anymore, that’s for sure. This is just like at Canterlot High… except, everyone appears to be pink-skinned. Wait, there are a few brown faces around too, not that it really matters. They don’t seem half as friendly either, locking me up in this cell like I was some sort of common criminal. At least I appear to have retained my equine form here. I suppose I better try communicating with them. Even if they seem, as Rarity might say, like a bunch of brutish savages…
Realising that if she could understand them earlier, the chances of these primitive beings being able to speak her language were good. Twilight went for broke by first clearing her throat before emitting a simple “...Hello…”
…And that was when all hell (not ‘hello’) broke loose.
“W-What? It can talk?!”
“I told you this was some kinda cheap scam! There must be a recording device hidden somewhere…”
“Bet that ‘horn’ is made of plywood! And those ‘wings’? Took ‘em from a mattress and stuck ‘em on with superglue, I bet! Spotted it from a mile off, so I did!”
“Come on dear, we’re going home! This ‘magical, mystical pony’ is just as fake as the rest of the old geezer’s ‘attractions’! A fox with two tails? A rabbit that poops twenty-four ‘carrot’ solid gold nuggets?! Do me a favour!!”
As the crowd began melting away and snatching whatever dollar bills they’d already given to the stall’s owner en route, soon Twilight was left in no doubt who was responsible for her capture and subsequent imprisonment.
“...You!!”
An absolutely apoplectic ruddy-faced elderly man, sporting a whitish handlebar moustache that curved all the way around his cheeks and a metallic walking stick with a sharpened edge hobbled over to the cage’s edge to glower ruefully at the alicorn contained within. The fact she’d been the first equine to ever say a word in pure English didn’t seem to impress him at all… in fact, it had quite the opposite effect.
“Don’t you know, horsie? You’re not supposed to make the exhibit too fantastical, or you ruin the illusion! All you had to do is keep your mouth shut, and I could’ve made enough in one month to retire on! Instead, now I’m going to have to do something I didn’t want to even think about. Hope you don’t mind radical surgery…”
“Well, excuse me for wanting to know where I am, and what on Tartarus you’re planning on doing with me! I’ve just been crowned Princess; I should be back home, planning the future of my realm and subjects, not cooped up inside this box with bars talking to… wait, what was that you just said about radical surgery?!”
“Hmm?” The old guy hadn’t really been listening to a word Twilight was saying, he was too busy examining the pointed part of his silvery walking aid. “Well, seeing as how you can’t control your temper, and will dissuade crowds everywhere the moment you start spilling your guts, the only viable solution for me is sever your vocal cords. I was already planning on clipping your wings later, but this new job will require some added professional help. I wonder if perhaps Tina could assist me…?”
“WHAT?!” Twilight roared out loud, outraged at what she’d just heard and the nonchalant tone her new ‘master’ had used. “Who do you think you… well, I was planning to solve this problem with diplomatic means, but if that’s your goal I’m afraid you’ve left me with no choice. Step out of the way, if you value your life. I’m about to blast my way out of this jail, so if you’ve got any sense you’ll steer well clear of the explosion. Here we go…”
The senior human looked momentarily concerned, and instinctively took a few steps backwards to gaze intriguingly at a straining Twilight as she attempted to conjure up all her considerable magical talents into one almighty ray of light.
“Here… goes. Any… second now. I’ll… be free as a-a.”
Sadly though, all the confidence in the world couldn’t seem to change the fact that her magic didn’t seem to work in this new universe. As that fact became clear and Twilight collapsed from sheer despair and exhaustion, a visibly relieved old man shambled forward to pat Twilight lightly on the muzzle with the blunt edge of his cane.
“Come now, it’s not so bad here! After your operation, I swear you’ll feel so much better! Horses shouldn’t fly or speak, anyway. It’s unnatural! If the Good Lord had meant for your species to be this way, he would’ve made all of you the same!”
I can’t believe… I’m stuck here…
“...Later on, I’ll introduce you to Tina! You’ll like her; she’s my granddaughter, a trainee vet and a total sweetheart to boot! And you know the best part? She treats all my special animals for free! When you wake up after your op, you’ll have a saddlebag full of nutritious oats to eat, a cool scar on your neck to show everyone and a fully mucked-out cage! Treatment fit for a ‘Princess’, I’m sure you agree(!)”
“Listen to me, whoever-you-are!” Twilight finally snapped out of her temporal despondency to jump up and glare at the irritating geezer square in the eyes. “I’m not a ‘horse’, I’m a pony! I can’t stand oats… and I most certainly do not require being ‘mucked out’, if that means what I think it does! You are not going to touch me either; I’ll have escaped long before that, mark my words! For I am Twilight Sparkle, and I never give up…!”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” The old man seemed unimpressed at the alicorn’s impassioned speech. “You’ll soon see how things work around here, once we’ve crushed that ‘indomitable’ spirit of yours. You make me money, you eat, You don’t, you won’t. It’s as simple as that. I’ll always let you have fresh water for free, though. See what a nice guy I am? Oh by the way ‘Twilight Sparkle’, my name is T.P Barmy, custodian of Barmy’s Brilliant and Beguiling Bevy of Bizarre Beasties! And you now have the honour of being my new prize exhibit! Rest easy my dear, soon Tina will be visiting to prep you for surgery. In the meantime, ol’ T.P will be imbibing some liquid refreshment to celebrate his new purple goldmine. ‘I’m in the money, I’m in the money’…”
As T.P Barmy joyfully skipped away singing the opening refrain of a show-tune Twilight had never heard before, she sank once more to the plain floor of her outdoor cell. All her bravado from earlier had completely disappeared; she simply had no idea to get away without the use of her powers after solely relying on them for so long.
All I can do now is wait for an opportunity to escape, and grab it with four hooves. At least all my friends are safe back on Equestria, though they must be worried sick about me. Once I get out of here, the first thing I must do is try to get a message to them. After finding out where I am, of course…
Unluckily for Twilight though, things weren’t quite that simple.
You see, all of her closest friends weren’t to be found back in Equestria.
They were much nearer than that, in fact. In exactly the same place Twilight was.
On the backward planet known to its most intelligent inhabitants as ‘Earth”.
And on this aforementioned floating rock, there happened to be seven continents.
Inside each continent, a most trusted member of Twilight’s inner circle was stirring.
Twilight had been the first to rise, in a little place called North America.
Next we’ll follow the adventures of Spike the dragon, who’ll find himself unceremoniously dumped in a vast metropolis populated by billions of people…
In other words, Asia.
Author's Note
After seven long months, looks like I'm dipping my toe back into the world of fimfiction.
I wasn't sure I'd write again, but the seed for this idea was planted in my brain one day whilst out jogging, and simply REFUSED to go away... so here I am planting it to see if it grows into anything worthwhile. (Gosh, that was deep) 
Bear in mind that I am very much a 'popularist' writer; the more people seem interested in a story, the more likely I am to update.
So if you like what you've read so far... please! I want to hear from you! The future of this fic could depend... on YOU. (Emotional blackmail alert) 
As for the rest of my pending works, if and when I do get to them, they'll be finished one-by-one until I move to the next story.
Because if there's one thing I've learned about myself since I signed up here all those many moons ago, it's that I can't multitask to save my life.
In fact... ack! I've been trying to type this and dunk my digestive biscuit into my tea simultaneously, and of course the bloody thing has only gone and spilt all over my laptop! 
Must dash... I shall return (with a hundred sheets of loo roll, that is). 
(But seriously: it's good to be here again, and even after the show is gone, a thriving community of misfits, miscreants and misanthropes lingers on! Happy to rejoin the herd!) 
2. "Baba, there's a dragon in our basement".
“P-Please no Twi, just a few more minutes. I’ll tidy my room later, I swear. Those comic books scattered everywhere are just a design choice, honest. Who are you to tell me how to decorate my new… ow.”
Spike turned slightly in his sleep as he heard a female voice he assumed belonged to a certain alicorn, before a sharp nudge in his ribs fully restored him to his senses.
“Okay, okay… there’s no need for that! Don’t you think I deserve a bit of a lie-in, anyway? Compering your ceremony yesterday was a tough job; I burnt through seven suits alone during the dress rehearsal! W-Wait… you’re n-not… a-and this i-isn’t…”
What slowly dawned on the distressed dragon as his vision began the heedless transition from black-and-white to glorious technicolour was that he no longer resided in the plushest quarters of the Canterlotian castle.
It resembled some kind of dusty old cellar; Twilight’s library without all the books. And the curiously-dressed two-legged individual crouched by his side prodding his prone form with some kind of pointy stick was most definitely not any kind of pony.
“Aaarrrggh!!” Spike was loath to scream like a little filly at the best of times; considering himself quite the brave warrior in comparison to his small stature after all he’d done to save Equestria.
Waking up in a strange place, being ‘attacked’ by a stranger by strange implements definitely qualified as the right occasion to panic though, in his view.
Yep, the whole situation was very strange indeed.
(Apparently, helping Twilight edit and catalogue her many speeches over the years hadn’t improved Spike’s vocabulary a jot. Go figure.)
Regardless, the terrified drake was now to be found trembling in the corner of the dirty room where he’d crawled, and there was to be no escape from the approaching behemoth as it slowly bore down on him relentlessly.
I thought my biggest problem today would be clearing up the mess left over from last night’s celebrations… I certainly didn’t think I’d be kidnapped and held against my will by some kind of hairless ape! Oh Twilight, I promise that if you swoop in now to save me as usual I’ll never complain about having to work overtime ever again…
“Ni hao”? An oddly-accented female voice came from the direction of the almond-skinned beast, as it towered over the mentally-pleading dragon.
“...P-Pardon?” Spike opened his eyes a scooch as he instinctively answered the inquisitive creature. Well if it’s trying to communicate, that can only be a good thing, right? Of course, I have no idea what it’s saying… but at least it appears I’m not dealing with a soulless predator…
The female ‘monster’ frowned a little at Spike’s stammered one word reply, and took a few seconds to consider her answer. “Hello? Is that… better? You speak… English, yes?”
“Hold it…” Upon hearing the young girl talk to him in (almost) perfect Ponyish, Spike’s overriding emotion turned in a moment from sheer terror to undisguised amazement. “You… understand me?!”
“Yes, yes I do! I learn many languages at school!” The girl suddenly clapped her hands together in sheer joy, and as she crouched down until she was about Spike’s size she didn’t seem half as scary anymore. “First, it is great honour one so revered is visiting in our humble home…”
“Wait, wait…” Spike declared a time-out as he swiftly got back onto his feet. “No-one likes a bit of hero-worship than me… but, there’s a time and a place for everything. First, where on Equestria am I? Second, how did I end up here? Thirdly, who the Celestia are you? And lastly…”
“Yes, honourable dragon?”
“What is ‘Ing-glish’? And seeing as we’ve just met, maybe I should be the first to tell you; I’m not that honourable…”
…………………………………
“...So you’re telling me you were cooking in your kitchen…”
“That’s right, Mr Spike! Baba come home soon, and I stir pot of soup when I hear loud crash come from downstairs. I arm myself with spare chopsticks, and I discover you there resting. Sorry I nudge you, but I need to see if you real. Not every day mythical creature end up in basement.”
“I see.” Spike nodded as if this cleared everything up, when it didn’t really at all. “And you’re telling me I’m on a planet called ‘Urth’, in a place called…”
“‘China’ in English, or Ponyish if you like. We call it ‘Zhonghua’ in Mandarin, though. It beautiful country! Many people live here, and be happy to see such a legendary figure in history.”
“Uh-huh.” Spike answered sceptically, as he wasn’t willing to risk that all the inhabitants of this unfamiliar location were as nice as this cheerful dark-haired girl. “...Sorry, what did you say your name was again?”
“Oh, apologies! My name is Su-Ling, and I fourteen years old! Ever since Mama die I take care of Baba by self, as no brothers or sisters to help. It hard work, but I very happy to see smile on his face when he come home every evening! And when he see you, maybe he smile for change too…!”
“...Yeah, perhaps later.” Spike’s inner voice still told him the less people he met in this weird new reality, the better. “Look, as much as it’s been nice to hear about your life history and all, I fear I can’t stay long. I need to find out how I got here, and how to return as quickly as possible. Everypony must be so worried about me! No offense, but I don’t belong here…”
“Oh, no Mr Spike! You always welcome here! You our honoured guest!” Su-Ling had obviously misinterpreted the dragon’s words, and suddenly grabbed him by the claw. “Basement no place for important dragon! You come upstairs, and see the house! I give you guided tour! It be true pleasure! Then later, you join us for Wanfan! We having Yunnan rice noodle soup; my speciality!”
“Y-You’re not listening to me, Su-Ling!” Spike had genuinely enjoyed his host’s company and the offer of foreign cuisine did sound tempting, but certain things should always take precedence. “I can’t waste any time in trying to get back home! For all I know, the more time I spend here, the chances of me returning to Equestria could be decreasing by the second! Now, are you going to help me, or am I going to have to find out that information by myself?”
The so-far bubbly and boisterous Su-Ling stopped trying to drag Spike to the second floor, and seemed very upset; some would even say crestfallen. But just as the guilty dragon began to see telltale signs of teardrops appear in his host’s oval eyes…
‘BANG!’ That was the sound of something being slammed upstairs, followed by a few brusque words shouted loudly which Spike couldn’t quite make out (he did catch Su-Ling’s name at the end of them, though).
“Oh, no! Baba home early! I do not know why, but I not even finish cooking chicken yet!! I spend lot of time here talking to you, and now soup be late! He will not be happy…” Su-ling seemed more anxious about the fact that her meal wasn’t ready yet than the prospect of introducing her father to a hitherto undiscovered species.
Spike felt sympathy for her plight, but he intended to make his position very clear. “Listen, Su-Ling. Could you… not tell your da… ‘Baba’ there’s a dragon in your cellar yet? I need to consider my next move carefully, before I let anyone else know I’m here. Could you do that for me, please?”
Su-Ling paused for a second, before asking something quite unexpected. “M-Mr Spike?”
“Yes?”
“Can you… breathe fire?”
“Well, I’d be a pretty disappointing dragon if I couldn’t.”
“You show me that, and I keep you hidden away very safe. Do we have deal?”
“...Sure, Su-Ling, if that’s what it takes. Hope you don’t mind that it’s green, though. Now back away… and move anything flammable, if you please…”
Author's Note
Well, I tried. Knowing next-to-nothing about Chinese culture and language I did my best with a crash course in Internet terminology, and now of course I'm an expert! Hope I haven't offended too many people, and you're still here for the next chapter... 
Which is incidentally will feature wait and see in wouldn't you like to know. Bet you can't wait! 
