My Little Pony Is A Nightmare - This is Whyby Stalin with Da SpoonChaptersThe Britishmen ComethCoffee History is a NightmareGrowing Coffee is a NightmareThe Britishmen ComethWe start our story in the home of Matthew Hamlin, AKA the famous youtuber UpIsNotJump, as he is preparing to review a brand new hit VR game about the infamous cartoon series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Now, Matthew isn't a brony, but apparently the reviews of this game have been very positive, claiming to be the most realistic game ever made. Now, the suspicious thing was, that was the only review, and yet, the game got five stars. What was really weird is how a complete stranger had emailed him about this game, asking him to review it, claiming it was worth it for a video. "Right, this totally isn't a scam." Upisnotjump said, as he inspected the games store page, seeing absolutely zero downloads, details, or pictures of the game. However, seeing as he desperately needed content, and the game was free... "Yeah fuck it." He said shrugging his arms in acceptance, hitting the download button, seeing as it was basically free content. The game actually took a fair few minutes to download, which was actually a good sign, as it meant the game probably wasn't a virus and the singular review about realism might be true. While he waited, he did some calibrations of his VR headset, getting it up and running to ensure he was ready to play this so-called masterpiece of VR gaming. After finishing said calibrations, he decided to pet his cat khajiit on the head. "You disgrace me with your pets human." The cat said as he was violated by his human, before a notification popped up on the computer, indicating the download process was complete. Upisnotjump walked over to his computer, clicked the 'Play' button, set up his recording equipment, grasped his headset, and slowly lowered it onto his head. He then reached and gripped his controllers, and waited. And waited... And waited... "Huh, maybe this game really is just shi-" Before he could finish, a bright flash of flight enveloped him, blinding him as he screamed out. "AHHHHHHHHHH-" And with that, he vanished, Kjajiit looking up from looking himself in confusion, before returning to his self licking. It was a nice, peaceful day in the town of Ponyville, until it wasn't. Pinkie, dramatic music please. "Dun dun DUUUUUN!" Thank you Pinkie. "Your welcome, Mr narrator!" Now then, where was I? Oh yes, Twilight and her friends, as well as her brother Shining Armor and his wife, Cadance, and the two diarch sisters, Celestia and Luna, were all having a hang-out at Twilight's castle of friendship, as today was the anniversary of Twilight becoming an alicorn, with much partying being done, courtesy of Pinkie Pie. As everyone chatted and conversed, a bright flash of light suddenly blinded everyone in the room. After it dissipated, everyone looked to the source to a see a strange bi pedal figure wearing some sort of strange helmet on his face and odd tools in his hands. The figure slowly lifted the helmet of their face and looked around, sufficiently confused, as it then spoke. "Where the fuck am I?" The man then noticed the multiple technicolor ponies of varying sizes and colors looking at him weirdly, as he was hit with a realization. "Ah fuck, I see what that guy meant by realistic." Now, Upisnotjump was completely confused about this whole thing, as it wasn't every day a sketchy VR game teleported him to another dimension, but he tried to stay calm. That is, until the purple pony with wings and a horn talked. "Ummmm... Hi?" What followed can be described as a perfectly calm and collected reaction. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" As Upisnotjump screamed, the ponies replied in suite, with more screaming. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" As the ponies screamed, the Britishmen decided to throw his controllers to the ground, and look for a method of escape, as he then saw a large stained glass window. What followed was a perfectly reasonable course of action. Upisnotjump proceeded to YEET himself out the window, falling a full two stories to the ground, as he groaned out in pain. "Ahhh fuck that was a bad idea, why did I do that? Ah fuck it, least I'm away from the magical talking ponies." Suddenly, a loud booming voice sounded out from behind him, as he looked up to see the big white rainbow maned horse looking down at him. "Halt! You have no need to be afraid, strange creature!" The horse spoke out as she flapped her wings, hovering over Upisnotjump, who responded in the way you would expect. "Hows about you go fuck yourself!" He said before breaking out into a full sprint into the town of ponyville, as the ponies watched from the castle in confusion, horror, and in Pinkie's case, excitement, with Luna, Twilight, Cadance, and Rainbow dash, and Fluttershy all quickly taking flight, flying out the damaged window and joining Celestia in pursuit of the strange creature. Meanwhile, Upisnotjump was still in a full on mad dash through the town, before suddenly being blinded by the sun's blinding light, and reacted in a way that made Celestia quite annoyed. "DAMN YOU SUN!" "You dare curse my sun!?!" "It ain't your sun, it's a celestial body! What, your gonna tell me you somehow control it?" "Why yes, yes I do." "Oh, well then... Whats your name?" "Princess Celestia." "Then allow me to re-direct my rage." Ahem. "DAMN YOU CELESTIA!" He said before running away again, as Celestia had a look of red hot rage on her face, being held back by Luna and Twilight. "Thou must control thyself sister!" "Yeah, you need to calm down, princess!" Celestia slowly nodded, calming herself as she and her fellow princesses continued to pursue the strange humanoid, with everyone else pursuing on foot, as Rainbow dash proceeded to try and tackle Upisnotjump, but failing when he took a sharp turn, causing her to collide with a food cart. As Fluttershy landed to tend to the now dazed Rainbow dash, the princesses continued their pursuit. "Were not gonna hurt you, we promise!" "Yea, no need to be afraid!" Cue Upsinotjump yelling out his dis-agreement. "And you think im gonna trust some weird fucking talking technicolor horned winged ponies that I just met?" Cue Twilight preparing a rebuttal, before realizing he had a point. "Fair enough, but still, I promise we won't hurt you!" Upisnotjump still did not believe them, and was just trying to find a way out of this mess, before he stopped right in front of Shining Armor. "Halt! You shall run no longer! Have you no honor as to simply stand your ground?" Suddenly, Upisnotjump felt highly insulted, feeling he had been dealt a direct blow to his pride, as he raised his hand towards Shining Armor in anger. "You dare throw my honor into question?" Suddenly, Upisnotjump pulled out a manequin arm with a sword at the end of it, raising it for battle. "Have at you!" As Shining Armor stepped back in surprise, he decided to indulge the strange creature, conjuring his own blade made of magic, as an epic duel began. All the other ponies just sat back and watched. "Shouldn't we intervene?" Celestia said, only to be hushed by Pinkie. "Are you kidding me? This is the funnies thing I have seen all day!" Suddenly, everyone was surprised when Upisnotjump pulled out a second manequin arm with another sword on the end. "I shall be known as the grand champion!" Cue him overpowering Shining Armor and bringing the noble pony to his pony knees. "Fear me!" "I yield, I yield!" "Good, now can someone tell me where the FUCK I am?" Seeing the beast was no longer running, and was slightly calmed down, Applejack decided to provide some explanation. "Well, ya in Equestria, mister..." "Just call me Matthew." Celestia was glad to see this bi pedal beast was slightly getting along with everyone, but still remained cautious, as she closely inspected the creature. "Tell me... Matthew, how did you get here?" Cue Upisnotjump just shrugging. "I dunno really, was trying out some sort of sketchy VR game, wound up her instead." "Strange... Tell me, what is this 'VR'?" "Oh, well..." Cue Upisnotjump giving a long and lengthy explanation about the history of VR and VR games in general, lasting over ten minutes before he finally finished. "And that is why VR gaming is a nightmare." To be continued... Coffee History is a NightmareUpIsNotJump had seen and done many strange things in his life. Throwing a mannequin off the roof, playing bad christmas VR games, making his videos, and many many other things. But this, this was the weirdest thing had ever experienced. As he stood in the Castle of Friendship, he was currently being poked and prodded by a purple pony with wings and a horn, while the other ponies simply looked at him. Growing annoyed with the poking, he waved Twilight with his hand angrily. "If your gonna poke, ask me out to dinner first!" Cue Twilight backing up in slight fear and confusion, still un-aware of what this being was capable of. The other ponies were slightly confused and afraid of this unknown being's powers or strengths, except for Shining, who knew that they wielded the blade expertly, even if was with an extended limb. Celestia and Luna could easily sense high level readings of chaos radiating from the creature, chaos that a certain Draconequus had likely already noticed, as a pair of eyes sprouted on a vase, spying on the creature. "I apologize for angering you, I just wanna know what the heck you are!" "Well, if it wasn't obvious, I'm a human." "What's a hyu-man- Wait I remember, but you don't look like any human's I've seen!" "Well, first off, don't emphasize the hu part, and second..." Cue a very deep breath, as a whiteboard displaying the human body appeared. "Humans, other wise known as homo sapiens, are said to have evolved from monkeys, unless you ask those religious fucks then they'll give you something COMPLETELY different. Anyways, humans are most well known for their intelligence, unless they're an anti-vaxxer, and their strength, unless they're an incel. Humans are also known to be bi-pedal creatures, with highly dexterous hands, allowing us to perform advanced tasks like tying knots and beating our meat." Cue Pinkie raising her hoof. "Why do you beat your meat?" UpIsNotJump slightly chuckled while Shining Armor proceeded to go dead pan, before Jump straightened himself up. "Best you don't know. Anyway, we humans have a variety of complex organs, like the kidneys, the intestines, the stomach, the spleen, the ass, loads of different organs, but anyway, all you need to know, is that I am a human, and I do regular human things. If you count making youtube videos and screaming for the sake of comedy regular human things." "Honestly, that seems regular to me!" Rainbow Dash slightly chuckled. "Everything seems regular compared to you, Pinkie." "Yeperoni!" UpIsNotJump simply sighed as he turned to Twilight. "So are you satisfied with my explanation?" "I guess so..." "Good, now can someone please help me figure out where the hell I am, and maybe get me some damn coffee." Suddenly, the vase with eyes vanished in a cloud of smoke, as Discord emerged cackling like a mad man, as UpIsNotJump proceeded to scream. "WHAT IN FUCKS NAME ARE YOU?" "Why, I am Discord, Draconequus master of chaos." "Well, mister master of chaos, can you get me a damn coffee?" "Question, what is coffee?" Cue UpIsNotJump's eyes lighting up, as he took a deep breath, before speaking. "Coffee is without a doubt the most beloved drink in my home country, the UK." Suddenly, an unknown voice began to speak from the void as a certain Britishmen reared his top hatted head. "Well actually I think you'll find there is a more tradiontal-" UpIsNotJump rapidly shushed the Spiffing Brit back into the void before speaking again. "Coffee is the second most used commodity in the entire world, second only to oil... And we all love that. But coffee's history, production, and chemistry are far more complex than most people think. Generally I take a bit of a grim view on the coffee you can get from the big chain coffee houses, and I probably shouldn't name any in particular, but some of my least favorite are [CENSORED], [REDACTED], and Al's toy barn. So what follows now is a short documentary i've made on how larger coffee chains general produce their coffee." Cue the projection of a film playing, as everyone proceeded to take a seat. [A Film By UpIsNotJump] "Here, come come, we found some!" Cue UpIsNotJump running into a shrub and digging through some dirt with his hands. "I can't believe we found some so easily!" He then took a big sniff of the dirt. "Oh yeah... Get that in there!" He then shoved the dirt in a coffee tin, then sprayed into it with a hose. "This is how we source that flavor!" He then dropped the tin on the ground and kicked it a bit, then cutting to a scene of him drinking. "Ten more please!" [End] The ponies all looked extremly confused, as UpIsNotJump re-assured them. "Don't worry, that's not how coffee is actually made, lemme actually explain. Big coffee brands generally source their beans... BEANS, like cereal grains, in that they buy as much as they can at the lowest price possible, and then blend it all together. They then patented it, packaged it, and they *SLAP* slapped it on a plastic lunch box, and your selling it, you want to sell it!" [Part 1, The History] "Legends tells of a ninth century Ethiopian sheep herder named Kaldi, who herded his sheep through the forests of Kapha. He noticed one day after his sheep ate some strange berries, they were imbued with a god like energy. Inquisitve, he too ate the berries, and had the... Natural response..." "Ooooh, why did I eat those berries!" "Although this story is likely to be... Ahem, utter shite, ethiopia is believed to be where Coffee originated, and by the sixteenth century it had already spread through africa and the ottoman empire. Eventually, coffee made its way to Europe, but as it originated from predominately Muslim areas, the europeans, who were christian, didn't initially trust it. So you know, no fucking change there. With Europe came the British east india company, oh good!" Cue aggressive british music. "Realizing that they could make even more money off the suffering of their fellow human beings, they used their advantages to trade coffee further afield like America, and Indonesia. In the beginning, America wasn't too thrilled about Coffee because it was still too expensive to realistically come in Grande sizes. So it went mostly un-noticed until 1770 held the boston tea party, the event was a total failure with not enough clutted cream being served or something, so america boycotted tea, and started drinking coffee instead." "Just to be clear, the boston tea party was actually an american political protest, where American patriots, some of which were disguised as native americans, dumped tea into boston harbor, which caused it to be banned in America, and y'know, less significantly started the entire American revolution. Following this, coffee made its way to mid and South America, and humans quickly realized the perfect climate to grow coffee was in fact, the rain forest. Oh brilliant!" "Okay, I'm starting to see where this is going, maybe we should have just stuck to drinking tea..." And the BritishMen cometh from the void once more. "Now see, this is what ive been talking about-" Only to be silenced once more by the great shushing. "You see, originally coffee was grown in the shade of existing forests. And this was until the 1970's when some ass-hat realized..." "Hmmmm, if you grow coffee in open fields, you actually get a higher yield of coffee!" Said a version of UpIsNotJump wearing a scientist costume and holding a book about Coffee. "Oh, well fucking say no more!" Lumberjack UpIsNotJump said. "Ah yes, but that can reduce bio-diversity in those areas by up to 80%-" "Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm clearing trees!" "While Coffee was spreading through the Americas, the Dutch, were helping it to spread through Asia. And eventually the whole world was drinking it. It's just that good." Cue him taking a sip of a cup of Coffee spawned from out of nowhere. "Oh yeah..." He then chipped his tooth, as Applejack raised her hoof. "That's mighty fine and interesting, but how do you even grow it?" "Well, to answer that..." Author's Note Sorry for late chapter, burn out be hittin hard. Growing Coffee is a Nightmare[Part 2, Growing Coffee.] "So how the hay is coffee even made?" "Well first, off Coffee is grown on Coffee trees, so make sure your getting that down." UpIsNotJump said as Twilight was already writing notes. "There is actually a coffee tree in Kew gardens but I could never fucking find it. Coffee trees breast- breast-" He chuckled slightly at his error before continuing. "Coffee trees grow best in warm humid environments and they can grow in either the shade, or the sun. When coffee is grown in the sun, usually large areas of forest need to be cleared for these new trees to grow. This means that a variety of animals will lose their habitats." That fact alone caused Fluttershy some sadness. "And the now bare earth will eventually be scorched by the sun, ruining the soil. It's the perfect method, boys! And... Girls." "That sounds like a terrible method, it destroys so much!" Applejack exclaimed, with Fluttershy nodding in agreement. "Y-yeah, why would you need all that space?" "Well, the sun is obviously quite the source of energy, so when you grow coffee under the sun, you get a much higher yield of beans... BEANS. But because these plants grow so quickly the soil isn't able to pass on it's flavor to the beans and they are a lot blander. Due to this high yield and low flavor, sun-grown coffee can be sold a lot more cheaply. However, shade-grown does produce a lower yield, but it's far richer in flavor. And it doesn't... Ahem Completely decimate all it comes into contact with." That part made the ponies feel better. UpIsNotJump considered doing the skit with the kitten blood, but considering his current audience, that would likely traumatize them, so he skipped that part and moved on to the next bit. "Coffee tree's actually produce cherries rather than beans, and it's the seeds of these cherries that we call coffee beans. Sure, it's a little bit strange, but what can you do. The basic process of going from cherry to seeds is incredibly complex. But it's mainly about removing the layer around the seeds. Methods can vary, but the gist of it is... Ripe cherries are usually hand, or in your case hoof, picked from trees, and if water is scarce then the beans are processed using the dry method." As he said the dry method, he made a... Disturbing sound meant to emphasize it being dry. "This involves spreading them out and drying them in the sun. They are then manually moved around to prevent them from spoiling. Once dry enough, they are hand moved again to be milled. This removes the cherries outer husk, known as the exocarp, mesocarp, endocarp, magikarp, and gyarados. They are then ready to be exported as green coffee. They call it this as the beans are not yet dark in color, cause well, the beans are green." He then pulled out a water bottle and sprayed water into his mouth, showing it was time for the wet method. "The wet method is more common and generally produces higher quality coffee beans. The wet method requires water... Someone better be getting this down." Twilight nodded nervously, increasing her speed of writing down her notes out of fear. "It involves first pouring the cherries into a pulper, which removes their skin and pulp. These beans are then fermented in water to remove their mucilage layer. As usual, they are agitated and processed by hand as they ferment. The beans are then sun dried as before. Quite a few other steps are usually needed, but this is generally what happens in the exporting countries. It takes dozens of people months of constant work just to make a sack of beans like this." He said holding up a coffee ban bag. "The beans are ready to be exported to other destinations for sale." As he finished his long winded explanation on the growing process, he took a deep breath. "Alright, the next step is processing, but right now I am way too fuckin de-hydrated to keep going, so can someone get me a bottle of water or something?" On cue, Pinkie showed up right next to him, pulling a bottle of water from her mane and handing it to him. "Here ya go!" "Thanks mate." He then proceeded to drink the entire bottle in only a short few seconds. "Ahhh, moist. Now then, where were we? Oh yes, the making of coffee. Get your notepads again because if you guys thought the last part was complicated you have no idea what you ponies are in for now."
The Britishmen ComethWe start our story in the home of Matthew Hamlin, AKA the famous youtuber UpIsNotJump, as he is preparing to review a brand new hit VR game about the infamous cartoon series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Now, Matthew isn't a brony, but apparently the reviews of this game have been very positive, claiming to be the most realistic game ever made. Now, the suspicious thing was, that was the only review, and yet, the game got five stars. What was really weird is how a complete stranger had emailed him about this game, asking him to review it, claiming it was worth it for a video. "Right, this totally isn't a scam." Upisnotjump said, as he inspected the games store page, seeing absolutely zero downloads, details, or pictures of the game. However, seeing as he desperately needed content, and the game was free... "Yeah fuck it." He said shrugging his arms in acceptance, hitting the download button, seeing as it was basically free content. The game actually took a fair few minutes to download, which was actually a good sign, as it meant the game probably wasn't a virus and the singular review about realism might be true. While he waited, he did some calibrations of his VR headset, getting it up and running to ensure he was ready to play this so-called masterpiece of VR gaming. After finishing said calibrations, he decided to pet his cat khajiit on the head. "You disgrace me with your pets human." The cat said as he was violated by his human, before a notification popped up on the computer, indicating the download process was complete. Upisnotjump walked over to his computer, clicked the 'Play' button, set up his recording equipment, grasped his headset, and slowly lowered it onto his head. He then reached and gripped his controllers, and waited. And waited... And waited... "Huh, maybe this game really is just shi-" Before he could finish, a bright flash of flight enveloped him, blinding him as he screamed out. "AHHHHHHHHHH-" And with that, he vanished, Kjajiit looking up from looking himself in confusion, before returning to his self licking. It was a nice, peaceful day in the town of Ponyville, until it wasn't. Pinkie, dramatic music please. "Dun dun DUUUUUN!" Thank you Pinkie. "Your welcome, Mr narrator!" Now then, where was I? Oh yes, Twilight and her friends, as well as her brother Shining Armor and his wife, Cadance, and the two diarch sisters, Celestia and Luna, were all having a hang-out at Twilight's castle of friendship, as today was the anniversary of Twilight becoming an alicorn, with much partying being done, courtesy of Pinkie Pie. As everyone chatted and conversed, a bright flash of light suddenly blinded everyone in the room. After it dissipated, everyone looked to the source to a see a strange bi pedal figure wearing some sort of strange helmet on his face and odd tools in his hands. The figure slowly lifted the helmet of their face and looked around, sufficiently confused, as it then spoke. "Where the fuck am I?" The man then noticed the multiple technicolor ponies of varying sizes and colors looking at him weirdly, as he was hit with a realization. "Ah fuck, I see what that guy meant by realistic." Now, Upisnotjump was completely confused about this whole thing, as it wasn't every day a sketchy VR game teleported him to another dimension, but he tried to stay calm. That is, until the purple pony with wings and a horn talked. "Ummmm... Hi?" What followed can be described as a perfectly calm and collected reaction. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" As Upisnotjump screamed, the ponies replied in suite, with more screaming. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" As the ponies screamed, the Britishmen decided to throw his controllers to the ground, and look for a method of escape, as he then saw a large stained glass window. What followed was a perfectly reasonable course of action. Upisnotjump proceeded to YEET himself out the window, falling a full two stories to the ground, as he groaned out in pain. "Ahhh fuck that was a bad idea, why did I do that? Ah fuck it, least I'm away from the magical talking ponies." Suddenly, a loud booming voice sounded out from behind him, as he looked up to see the big white rainbow maned horse looking down at him. "Halt! You have no need to be afraid, strange creature!" The horse spoke out as she flapped her wings, hovering over Upisnotjump, who responded in the way you would expect. "Hows about you go fuck yourself!" He said before breaking out into a full sprint into the town of ponyville, as the ponies watched from the castle in confusion, horror, and in Pinkie's case, excitement, with Luna, Twilight, Cadance, and Rainbow dash, and Fluttershy all quickly taking flight, flying out the damaged window and joining Celestia in pursuit of the strange creature. Meanwhile, Upisnotjump was still in a full on mad dash through the town, before suddenly being blinded by the sun's blinding light, and reacted in a way that made Celestia quite annoyed. "DAMN YOU SUN!" "You dare curse my sun!?!" "It ain't your sun, it's a celestial body! What, your gonna tell me you somehow control it?" "Why yes, yes I do." "Oh, well then... Whats your name?" "Princess Celestia." "Then allow me to re-direct my rage." Ahem. "DAMN YOU CELESTIA!" He said before running away again, as Celestia had a look of red hot rage on her face, being held back by Luna and Twilight. "Thou must control thyself sister!" "Yeah, you need to calm down, princess!" Celestia slowly nodded, calming herself as she and her fellow princesses continued to pursue the strange humanoid, with everyone else pursuing on foot, as Rainbow dash proceeded to try and tackle Upisnotjump, but failing when he took a sharp turn, causing her to collide with a food cart. As Fluttershy landed to tend to the now dazed Rainbow dash, the princesses continued their pursuit. "Were not gonna hurt you, we promise!" "Yea, no need to be afraid!" Cue Upsinotjump yelling out his dis-agreement. "And you think im gonna trust some weird fucking talking technicolor horned winged ponies that I just met?" Cue Twilight preparing a rebuttal, before realizing he had a point. "Fair enough, but still, I promise we won't hurt you!" Upisnotjump still did not believe them, and was just trying to find a way out of this mess, before he stopped right in front of Shining Armor. "Halt! You shall run no longer! Have you no honor as to simply stand your ground?" Suddenly, Upisnotjump felt highly insulted, feeling he had been dealt a direct blow to his pride, as he raised his hand towards Shining Armor in anger. "You dare throw my honor into question?" Suddenly, Upisnotjump pulled out a manequin arm with a sword at the end of it, raising it for battle. "Have at you!" As Shining Armor stepped back in surprise, he decided to indulge the strange creature, conjuring his own blade made of magic, as an epic duel began. All the other ponies just sat back and watched. "Shouldn't we intervene?" Celestia said, only to be hushed by Pinkie. "Are you kidding me? This is the funnies thing I have seen all day!" Suddenly, everyone was surprised when Upisnotjump pulled out a second manequin arm with another sword on the end. "I shall be known as the grand champion!" Cue him overpowering Shining Armor and bringing the noble pony to his pony knees. "Fear me!" "I yield, I yield!" "Good, now can someone tell me where the FUCK I am?" Seeing the beast was no longer running, and was slightly calmed down, Applejack decided to provide some explanation. "Well, ya in Equestria, mister..." "Just call me Matthew." Celestia was glad to see this bi pedal beast was slightly getting along with everyone, but still remained cautious, as she closely inspected the creature. "Tell me... Matthew, how did you get here?" Cue Upisnotjump just shrugging. "I dunno really, was trying out some sort of sketchy VR game, wound up her instead." "Strange... Tell me, what is this 'VR'?" "Oh, well..." Cue Upisnotjump giving a long and lengthy explanation about the history of VR and VR games in general, lasting over ten minutes before he finally finished. "And that is why VR gaming is a nightmare." To be continued...
Coffee History is a NightmareUpIsNotJump had seen and done many strange things in his life. Throwing a mannequin off the roof, playing bad christmas VR games, making his videos, and many many other things. But this, this was the weirdest thing had ever experienced. As he stood in the Castle of Friendship, he was currently being poked and prodded by a purple pony with wings and a horn, while the other ponies simply looked at him. Growing annoyed with the poking, he waved Twilight with his hand angrily. "If your gonna poke, ask me out to dinner first!" Cue Twilight backing up in slight fear and confusion, still un-aware of what this being was capable of. The other ponies were slightly confused and afraid of this unknown being's powers or strengths, except for Shining, who knew that they wielded the blade expertly, even if was with an extended limb. Celestia and Luna could easily sense high level readings of chaos radiating from the creature, chaos that a certain Draconequus had likely already noticed, as a pair of eyes sprouted on a vase, spying on the creature. "I apologize for angering you, I just wanna know what the heck you are!" "Well, if it wasn't obvious, I'm a human." "What's a hyu-man- Wait I remember, but you don't look like any human's I've seen!" "Well, first off, don't emphasize the hu part, and second..." Cue a very deep breath, as a whiteboard displaying the human body appeared. "Humans, other wise known as homo sapiens, are said to have evolved from monkeys, unless you ask those religious fucks then they'll give you something COMPLETELY different. Anyways, humans are most well known for their intelligence, unless they're an anti-vaxxer, and their strength, unless they're an incel. Humans are also known to be bi-pedal creatures, with highly dexterous hands, allowing us to perform advanced tasks like tying knots and beating our meat." Cue Pinkie raising her hoof. "Why do you beat your meat?" UpIsNotJump slightly chuckled while Shining Armor proceeded to go dead pan, before Jump straightened himself up. "Best you don't know. Anyway, we humans have a variety of complex organs, like the kidneys, the intestines, the stomach, the spleen, the ass, loads of different organs, but anyway, all you need to know, is that I am a human, and I do regular human things. If you count making youtube videos and screaming for the sake of comedy regular human things." "Honestly, that seems regular to me!" Rainbow Dash slightly chuckled. "Everything seems regular compared to you, Pinkie." "Yeperoni!" UpIsNotJump simply sighed as he turned to Twilight. "So are you satisfied with my explanation?" "I guess so..." "Good, now can someone please help me figure out where the hell I am, and maybe get me some damn coffee." Suddenly, the vase with eyes vanished in a cloud of smoke, as Discord emerged cackling like a mad man, as UpIsNotJump proceeded to scream. "WHAT IN FUCKS NAME ARE YOU?" "Why, I am Discord, Draconequus master of chaos." "Well, mister master of chaos, can you get me a damn coffee?" "Question, what is coffee?" Cue UpIsNotJump's eyes lighting up, as he took a deep breath, before speaking. "Coffee is without a doubt the most beloved drink in my home country, the UK." Suddenly, an unknown voice began to speak from the void as a certain Britishmen reared his top hatted head. "Well actually I think you'll find there is a more tradiontal-" UpIsNotJump rapidly shushed the Spiffing Brit back into the void before speaking again. "Coffee is the second most used commodity in the entire world, second only to oil... And we all love that. But coffee's history, production, and chemistry are far more complex than most people think. Generally I take a bit of a grim view on the coffee you can get from the big chain coffee houses, and I probably shouldn't name any in particular, but some of my least favorite are [CENSORED], [REDACTED], and Al's toy barn. So what follows now is a short documentary i've made on how larger coffee chains general produce their coffee." Cue the projection of a film playing, as everyone proceeded to take a seat. [A Film By UpIsNotJump] "Here, come come, we found some!" Cue UpIsNotJump running into a shrub and digging through some dirt with his hands. "I can't believe we found some so easily!" He then took a big sniff of the dirt. "Oh yeah... Get that in there!" He then shoved the dirt in a coffee tin, then sprayed into it with a hose. "This is how we source that flavor!" He then dropped the tin on the ground and kicked it a bit, then cutting to a scene of him drinking. "Ten more please!" [End] The ponies all looked extremly confused, as UpIsNotJump re-assured them. "Don't worry, that's not how coffee is actually made, lemme actually explain. Big coffee brands generally source their beans... BEANS, like cereal grains, in that they buy as much as they can at the lowest price possible, and then blend it all together. They then patented it, packaged it, and they *SLAP* slapped it on a plastic lunch box, and your selling it, you want to sell it!" [Part 1, The History] "Legends tells of a ninth century Ethiopian sheep herder named Kaldi, who herded his sheep through the forests of Kapha. He noticed one day after his sheep ate some strange berries, they were imbued with a god like energy. Inquisitve, he too ate the berries, and had the... Natural response..." "Ooooh, why did I eat those berries!" "Although this story is likely to be... Ahem, utter shite, ethiopia is believed to be where Coffee originated, and by the sixteenth century it had already spread through africa and the ottoman empire. Eventually, coffee made its way to Europe, but as it originated from predominately Muslim areas, the europeans, who were christian, didn't initially trust it. So you know, no fucking change there. With Europe came the British east india company, oh good!" Cue aggressive british music. "Realizing that they could make even more money off the suffering of their fellow human beings, they used their advantages to trade coffee further afield like America, and Indonesia. In the beginning, America wasn't too thrilled about Coffee because it was still too expensive to realistically come in Grande sizes. So it went mostly un-noticed until 1770 held the boston tea party, the event was a total failure with not enough clutted cream being served or something, so america boycotted tea, and started drinking coffee instead." "Just to be clear, the boston tea party was actually an american political protest, where American patriots, some of which were disguised as native americans, dumped tea into boston harbor, which caused it to be banned in America, and y'know, less significantly started the entire American revolution. Following this, coffee made its way to mid and South America, and humans quickly realized the perfect climate to grow coffee was in fact, the rain forest. Oh brilliant!" "Okay, I'm starting to see where this is going, maybe we should have just stuck to drinking tea..." And the BritishMen cometh from the void once more. "Now see, this is what ive been talking about-" Only to be silenced once more by the great shushing. "You see, originally coffee was grown in the shade of existing forests. And this was until the 1970's when some ass-hat realized..." "Hmmmm, if you grow coffee in open fields, you actually get a higher yield of coffee!" Said a version of UpIsNotJump wearing a scientist costume and holding a book about Coffee. "Oh, well fucking say no more!" Lumberjack UpIsNotJump said. "Ah yes, but that can reduce bio-diversity in those areas by up to 80%-" "Sorry, I can't hear you, I'm clearing trees!" "While Coffee was spreading through the Americas, the Dutch, were helping it to spread through Asia. And eventually the whole world was drinking it. It's just that good." Cue him taking a sip of a cup of Coffee spawned from out of nowhere. "Oh yeah..." He then chipped his tooth, as Applejack raised her hoof. "That's mighty fine and interesting, but how do you even grow it?" "Well, to answer that..." Author's Note Sorry for late chapter, burn out be hittin hard.
Growing Coffee is a Nightmare[Part 2, Growing Coffee.] "So how the hay is coffee even made?" "Well first, off Coffee is grown on Coffee trees, so make sure your getting that down." UpIsNotJump said as Twilight was already writing notes. "There is actually a coffee tree in Kew gardens but I could never fucking find it. Coffee trees breast- breast-" He chuckled slightly at his error before continuing. "Coffee trees grow best in warm humid environments and they can grow in either the shade, or the sun. When coffee is grown in the sun, usually large areas of forest need to be cleared for these new trees to grow. This means that a variety of animals will lose their habitats." That fact alone caused Fluttershy some sadness. "And the now bare earth will eventually be scorched by the sun, ruining the soil. It's the perfect method, boys! And... Girls." "That sounds like a terrible method, it destroys so much!" Applejack exclaimed, with Fluttershy nodding in agreement. "Y-yeah, why would you need all that space?" "Well, the sun is obviously quite the source of energy, so when you grow coffee under the sun, you get a much higher yield of beans... BEANS. But because these plants grow so quickly the soil isn't able to pass on it's flavor to the beans and they are a lot blander. Due to this high yield and low flavor, sun-grown coffee can be sold a lot more cheaply. However, shade-grown does produce a lower yield, but it's far richer in flavor. And it doesn't... Ahem Completely decimate all it comes into contact with." That part made the ponies feel better. UpIsNotJump considered doing the skit with the kitten blood, but considering his current audience, that would likely traumatize them, so he skipped that part and moved on to the next bit. "Coffee tree's actually produce cherries rather than beans, and it's the seeds of these cherries that we call coffee beans. Sure, it's a little bit strange, but what can you do. The basic process of going from cherry to seeds is incredibly complex. But it's mainly about removing the layer around the seeds. Methods can vary, but the gist of it is... Ripe cherries are usually hand, or in your case hoof, picked from trees, and if water is scarce then the beans are processed using the dry method." As he said the dry method, he made a... Disturbing sound meant to emphasize it being dry. "This involves spreading them out and drying them in the sun. They are then manually moved around to prevent them from spoiling. Once dry enough, they are hand moved again to be milled. This removes the cherries outer husk, known as the exocarp, mesocarp, endocarp, magikarp, and gyarados. They are then ready to be exported as green coffee. They call it this as the beans are not yet dark in color, cause well, the beans are green." He then pulled out a water bottle and sprayed water into his mouth, showing it was time for the wet method. "The wet method is more common and generally produces higher quality coffee beans. The wet method requires water... Someone better be getting this down." Twilight nodded nervously, increasing her speed of writing down her notes out of fear. "It involves first pouring the cherries into a pulper, which removes their skin and pulp. These beans are then fermented in water to remove their mucilage layer. As usual, they are agitated and processed by hand as they ferment. The beans are then sun dried as before. Quite a few other steps are usually needed, but this is generally what happens in the exporting countries. It takes dozens of people months of constant work just to make a sack of beans like this." He said holding up a coffee ban bag. "The beans are ready to be exported to other destinations for sale." As he finished his long winded explanation on the growing process, he took a deep breath. "Alright, the next step is processing, but right now I am way too fuckin de-hydrated to keep going, so can someone get me a bottle of water or something?" On cue, Pinkie showed up right next to him, pulling a bottle of water from her mane and handing it to him. "Here ya go!" "Thanks mate." He then proceeded to drink the entire bottle in only a short few seconds. "Ahhh, moist. Now then, where were we? Oh yes, the making of coffee. Get your notepads again because if you guys thought the last part was complicated you have no idea what you ponies are in for now."
