Douglas 2: The Douggenning

-TIME UNKNOWN

There are three material things which I truly appreciate: books, coffee, and formalwear. I especially like neckties. I’m wearing my favorite one right now, a line of bright pink diamonds running down solid grey. The tie is just like me: mostly dull with a visible happy streak. Both the tie and my happiness are thanks to very special ponies. I wish there was somepony with me, but my tie has been my only real companion on my exodus. I’ve walked an immeasurable distance, and now I’ve reached a rather disappointing cliff. All I want from a cliff is a pleasant view, yet all I see stretched out in front of me is broken, dry wasteland, perfectly level. If I look down, the drop is level too, meeting the ground perpendicularly. It’s a big drop, by the way. Jumping would probably kill me. Since I like to keep things simple, this situation is pleasing because the solution is also simple. I just have to walk.

-8 MONTHS EARLIER

My name is Douglas, and I’m a librarian. I live in a town inhabited exclusively by myself, and ponies.

I’ll let that sink in for a moment.

Ahem. Anyway, the town I live in is called Ponyville, but right now I was touring the capital city of Canterlot. The world of Equestria is ruled by Princesses Luna and Celestia, the latter being the mentor to my friend Twilight Sparkle. That was the relationship that brought me here. In addition to Twilight, I was accompanied by my personal savior, Pinkie Pie. Apparently, Princess Celestia had spoken to Twilight, and asked that I be brought before her. Given the strangeness of Equestria compared to the world of humans I came from, I tried to give up being surprised, but I guess nopony ever expects to be summoned by magical pony royalty. Pinkie Pie was invited, but she said she couldn’t go. She inexplicably showed up on the train halfway through the trip, because Pinkie. I’m glad to have her with me. Twilight acted as a tour guide for the first day, practically marching us through the city. I’d be lying if I said I could recall any part of the avalanche of facts I was buried in. When the evening finally came, we approached the castle. This was the first royal palace I’ve ever seen, and…well…

Holy shit.

Okay, 2 things: it’s freaking enormous. I was more than dwarfed; it was as if my own size was inconsequential to the point of meaninglessness. At least I was dressed well, since the architecture made the sky look like dirt in comparison to the splendor of the structure before me. I felt like a grain of sugar looking at some monumental work of art. The three went to our room in the castle. The plan was to sleep, then speak to the princess in the morning. The only obstacle was the Lovecraftian nightmare that invaded our room.

-Tuesday, 3:37 AM

I like to think that living things which are inside out tend to not work. Apparently, that was a mistake. The thing in our room was almost entirely a mess of blood vessels latticed over meat colored with the pinks one associates with innards. When it moved, its parts slid over one another with a sound like pudding sharing coitus with gelatin. It was more or less shaped like a wolf, minus the head. At first I thought that there was a cuttlefish pasted onto its face, but then its five sideways eyelids peeled open, revealing eyes with no color, only luminescent gloss. At the moment, I was the only one awake, and I was completely immobilized. It turned towards Pinkie Pie.

Fuck. No.

I vaulted across the room, throwing myself at the monster, impacting it with my entire body at one time. The thing was unmoved, but at least I got its attention. I just needed to get it away from Pinkie. I grabbed the nearest thing in my vicinity and swung. The floor lamp cracked across its head, but when I swung a second time, the creature caught the bludgeon in its teeth and struck my abdomen. Both ponies were now awake, and understandably aghast.

“Douglas, what…?”

“Twilight, I need your help!” Twilight obliged me immediately, stunning the intruder with a bolt of magic. The pain was crippling, but I knew I had to keep my friends safe. I crawled to the intruder and forced myself to lift it. With no small effort, I threw it out the window. It plummeted several stories, but the agony overtook me before I could hear it land.

-KLAUS POV

This body will be mine. These ponies will belong to me. The world will be mine to play with. But I must wait.

Douglas must be drained first.

-DOUGLAS POV, Tuesday, 8:36 AM

I know I broke something, and I doubt it was bone. Broken bones are simple; all you have to do is set the bone and let your body knit itself back together. I felt not like something had broken, but as if something had collapsed. The ungodly sensation permeating all my senses was so fierce that I couldn’t be moved. I lay huddled on the floor for about half an hour, waiting for Twilight to fetch a doctor, while Pinkie just lay at my side. The pain was searing, but the body pressed against my back kept me from unleashing the horrible sounds festering in my throat. I started to cry out when Pinkie got up, but the glow on my skin quickly silenced me as intense healing magic devoured the pain in my body. An unfamiliar voice spoke to me, one that seemed tempered by eons.

“Do you feel well now, Douglas?”

I put a hand to my stomach. The pain was utterly gone. I stood slowly to answer my healer, but found myself without words. I was unprepared for an invitation from royalty, but having royalty before me was something else entirely. The sheer majesty of this pony (who was nearly my own height) was almost enough to put me back on the floor. The navy of her coat was deep enough to depreciate all the light around the alicorn, and as I admired her she raised an eyebrow.

“Twilight, is this behavior natural?”

“I believe so, Princess Luna. This is Douglas’s first time in Canterlot, after all.” Luna. Of course, the mistress of the moon. It finally dawned on me that refusing to speak to this pony might not be the best thing to do.

“Thank you, err…Princess. I-“

“You may call me Luna, Douglas.”
“Uh, right. I feel a lot better, Luna, thank you.”

“Excellent. In that case, it would be much appreciated if you would accompany me to my chambers. We have much to discuss.”

“I can imagine…”