Hate Scritches (and Tummy Rubs of Dislike)

by Mockingbirb

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Alternate Universe, Zephyr Breeze, Other
Length: 1379

When Equestria is infiltrated by changelings, the only solution is to starve them out. No matter how long it takes.

When Equestria is infiltrated by changelings, the only solution is to starve them out. No matter how long it takes.

Content Warning: See story title.

(It's 1000 words long...I guess I could enter it in the contest.)

(#1000words 1000words 1000 words)

Published 2022-04-30 15:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-04-30 15:00:01 UTC

Antisocial Networking

Social media and texting were a little different in Equestria. Instead of fancy, high-tech mobile phones, or dragonfire messaging that almost nopony had their own dragon for, the usual method was to write a note, roll it up, put the note inside a long, hollowed-out cork, shove the cork inside the end of a message tube, and blow really hard.

"Pomp!" An arriving message flew out of a receiving tube, and struck the opposite wall of Pinkie's "party planning cave." The cave where she used to plan fun times for dozens or even hundreds of ponies to celebrate all together.

But now, her cave was just a place where she could hide away to keep herself from hugging and nuzzling other ponies. Because hugging and nuzzling other ponies was a way to send them strong vibes of concentrated love. Intense love was exactly the kind of thing that, if that pony was really a changeling, would prolong the changeling infiltration.

But Pinkie had NEEDS. A LOT of ponies had needs. Even if she couldn't get her loving snuggles and nuzzles and scritches, NON-loving snuggles and...other stuff...were better than nothing at all.

Pinkie picked up the cork and pulled out a note. The note was folded up really, really small in a way that made lots of sharp corners and was annoying to unfold and flatten out.

Whoever sent this note, Pinkie was starting to hate that pony already!

The note said:

Do you love me?
o Yes
o No
o Buck off
o Buck you (just an expression)
o Buck you (I really mean it! Like, right now, you stupid bucker!)

P.S. You're ugly and stupid and I already hate you too.

Hate,
Zephyr Breeze

"Hmm," Pinkie said to herself. "Zephyr is Fluttershy's brother, isn't he? He's a real jerk. I hate him. But I NEED my...physical stuff."

Pinkie picked up a pencil in her mouth, and marked the last option. She sent the note, blowing into the tube really, really hard. She hoped she hit that stupid pony right in the face!

After a few minutes, another cork arrived. This note was folded and crumpled even more obnoxiously than the last one. It said:

Meet me outside Sugarcube Corner, you stupid sow. Be there in fifteen minutes, or go buck yourself, I don't care.

Pinkie walked up an escape tunnel, unlocked the tunnel's several locks, went out the door, and relocked everything behind her.

She whistled happily as she trotted and bounced along the street. Without really thinking about it, she started to sing.

"My name is Pinkie Pie
And I am here to say
I'm here to make you smile
And brighten up your day!"

She whacked herself on the face with one forehoof. "No! Bad Pinkie! Don't try to make ponies smile! If you make ponies smile, they might LOVE you. And you know what happens then!" She imagined the changeling queen, Chrysalis, laughing and cackling, sucking up love energy into an enormous egg or cocoon or something...Pinkie wasn't too clear on the specifics of how that worked. But she knew it was something bad!

As Pinkie approached the backside of Sugarcube Corner Bakery, she saw the conceited pale green pony she'd 'hoped' for.

"I knew you couldn't stay away." He leered. "No mare can resist the 'cool Breeze.'"

"Ugh!" Pinkie complained. "You're as insufferable as ever. Is there anypony who loves you at all? Anypony who even LIKES you?"

Breeze tossed his long blonde hair, posing unattractively. "This is a whole new world, and everything's different. Now everypony wants me. I'm practically a social amenity, like a public bathroom."

Pinkie grunted. "Speaking of a public bathroom, bring your stupid plot over here before I get so disgusted I go home."

Zephyr walked closer. He lifted a forehoof, and scritched Pinkie's back. "Doesn't that feel good?" he said softly.

Pinkie had to admit to herself, it DID feel good.

"I should turn over a new leaf," Zephyr said. "I was always inconsiderate of other ponies. But I should care about their feelings."

Pinkie flopped over on her side, letting Zephyr give her ear scritches and tummy rubs. She felt herself fall into a happy trance of physical pleasure.

Zephyr said, "The reason I've always acted the way I do is, I'm not CAPABLE of feeling love for anypony other than myself. And I'm no good at faking it, either." He nuzzled Pinkie's neck, and she felt two venomous fangs poking her skin. "But soon enough, you'll be in a happy dream...inside a cocoon, where all the love will be sucked out of you until you DIE. But at least you'll die happy."

"Stop, in the name of love!" a cute, girlish voice shouted behind him. He pulled his fangs away from Pinkie's neck.

The interrupter proclaimed, "This is a STING! Ha ha ha, what a pun. I amuse even myself."

Pinkie turned her head to look, as a bright ball of magenta light enveloped Zephyr. He shimmered and shook and shrank. When he was the size of a mouse, Twilight leaped out from behind a bush, clapped a jar over him, and fastened the lid to trap him inside.

"I don't think he deserves air holes, do you?" Twilight asked.

Fluttershy came out from behind another bush. "My family always used to give him air holes before, when he was a bad little colt and he misbehaved and we 'grounded' him in our giant bug jar." She shook her head. "And he never learned to behave any better. So let's try WITHOUT air holes."

Zephyr's little bughooves drummed against the jar's side. His mouth moved, but nopony could hear him through the glass. After a few minutes, he fell over, curling up on his side like some other kind of dead bug.

Pinkie gazed up woozily. "Really, Fluttershy? You let Twilight kill your own brother?"

Fluttershy shrugged. "I thought I cared about every little creature in the whole world, but I guess even I have my limits."

Author's Note

The reason Zephyr Breeze can't move out of his parents' house is, nocreature else will ever love him and he'll die. True story! Just ask the writing team!
:trollestia:

To see one of the cutest mane-pulling, stuff-throwing, name-calling ships in horsewords, take a look at Blueshift's Nineteen-Neighty-Four. (link) I'm not saying Twixie... is always the best and cutest ship in MLP. I'm just saying Blueshift wrote the ship very well in the linked story and now my own story will look not so good by comparison.
:twilightsmile:

ENineteen Neighty-Four

MLP: FiM

Comedy

1984 pony style!

Crossover

Alt. Universe

Twilight

Pinkie

Trixie

Shining Armor

Blueshift · 8.3k words  ·  1,202  15 · 20k views

If you just want another story by me about a changeling invasion, you could try my

TDon't Die Laughing

MLP: FiM

Dark

Horror

In a world where insectile monsters feed on ponies' laughter, and the word 'chuckle' is almost synonymous with death, Maud teaches a very special comedy workshop to save ponies' lives.

Violence

Gore

Death

Alt. Universe

Pinkie

Other

Maud Pie

Button Mash

Mockingbirb · 1.4k words  ·  28  4 · 704 views

If you want a good AU short short by someone else about a changeling invasion, why not try Amereep's "Love Bites"? (link)

Something also reminds me of...

TFor the Love of Science

MLP: FiM

Romance

Comedy

Twilight Sparkle has a date... with time!

Twilight

Spike

Doctor Whooves

Main 6

Cold in Gardez · 13k words  ·  704  17 · 12k views