It's Dangerous to Guard Alone!

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, The Legend of Zelda, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 6588

It's so hard to find good help these days...

Brave Heart, former agent of SMILE, has found new purpose as the captain of the Twilit Guard.

He is also the only member of the Twilit Guard.

The only thing worse than that problem will be the solution.

Set during late Season 5. Cover image by ImAFutureGuitarHero, used with permission. No familiarity is needed with the prequel beyond the fact that Pony Link is working as a guard for Princess Twilight.

Published 2022-05-22 19:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2022-05-22 19:50:02 UTC

Take These!

Many ponies misunderstood stealth.

Well, Starlight Glimmer reflected, many ponies misunderstood most things. Like thinking that cutie marks were anything but some vast cosmic joke at the expense of the entire species, or that mutating extra appendages somehow entitled a pony to supreme executive power.

But those were matters for another time, much like her other issues with the current state of affairs. For now, the important topic was stealth. Upon hearing the word, most ponies imagined Shadow Spade skulking through a crime-riddled cityscape or some big cat stalking towards its prey. Ask most ponies to move stealthily and they'd copy the crouching, careful motion in their imagination, even if that drew more attention than walking normally.

Not drawing attention was, after all, the point. Yes, there was some degree of careful movement and hiding in bushes, but that was part of the larger goal: Blending in. Stealth meant camouflage, whether physical or social. Starlight preferred to adapt her surroundings to herself, but she could make do with the converse. For now.

Thus she trotted through Ponyville like she was just another pony, blind to the countless faults of the world and refusing the solution even if she could see them. Blind to the agony and injustice that consumed every second of her waking hours. Blind to how perfectly the giant crystal eyesore on the edge of town symbolized the disparity between the haves and have-nots, and Princess Twilight Sparkle's determination to maintain that separation.

A stallion glanced at Starlight, flinched away from her, and galloped in the opposite direction. At that point, she recognized the tension in her face. She supposed her smile might have become a bit less than perfectly friendly as her thoughts had turned to the princess.

After a deep breath, she corrected her outer mask to its previous, flawless state and opened the doors to Namepending Castle. Such was Princess Twilight's absurd arrogance that she didn't even bother locking them, just like she took the place for granted to the point that she hadn't even named it.

"Library's up the main stairway and on your right, ma'am."

Starlight blinked and turned. A brown earth stallion sat at a reception desk just inside the doorway, his blond mane poking out from a green cap like the back half of a wind sock. The blaze on his muzzle brought back old memories for a moment. Old memories that only fortified Starlight's resolve.

Still, it would be hard to find the primary means of her revenge, what Pinkie Pie had called the "tree-chest-castle-map," with an unexpected development flipping through an issue of Party Cannons & Ammo. Though, distracted as he was...

Starlight casually made her way towards the staircase, her magic worrying at a flap of her saddlebags. At least, that was what it looked like she was doing as she assembled the appropriate magic. She glanced back at the stallion just long enough to fire the slumber spell. It would knock him out all day, which might alert the princess... if she didn't just stuff him in the first broom closet she found.

At least, that had been the plan. She hadn't expected him to roll to the side, off his stool, and behind the desk as her spell splashed against one of the walls. She certainly didn't expect him to say "Thank you, ma'am. It was getting dull" before throwing a boomerang at her.

Surprise wasn't enough for Starlight to lose all focus. She caught the boomerang in her magic and sent it right back, only for the stallion to roll out from behind the desk and kick it back at her in turn. "I'm going to have to ask you to stand down, ma'am."

This continued for a few volleys, the stallion circling closer, the timing getting tighter each time, and the boilerplate warnings getting more insufferable until Starlight gritted her teeth and shouted "Enough!" She fired off a force pulse that sent the boomerang skittering into a corner of the foyer and the stallion—

Had he always been holding that shield?

Starlight glowered and fired off another few shots, which proceeded to bounce off of the shield's polished surface, making her scramble out of the way.

Click-brrrr

"What the—" The bizarre noise explained itself a moment later as four angled graspers grabbed onto Starlight's foreleg. They were attached to a taut chain, which in turn fed back to an automated winch contraption the stallion had pulled from Equality-knew-where. A winch that was rapidly pulling back the chain. Given the masses involved, that meant it was dragging Starlight directly towards the stallion.

"Hiyah!"

It took a lot of guts to headbutt a unicorn. The stallion apparently had guts to spare.

The same couldn't be said about brains. Starlight might not have been able to see straight, but she could still release enough unfocused magic to give an Ursa Minor pause.

It was wrong to take pleasure in others' suffering. Starlight pitied the stallion as he screamed and crumpled to the ground. Once her own head stopped spinning, she made sure he was still breathing, then kicked him in the ribs. Out of pity. Then, as she'd intended, she dragged him by the tail to the first room she could find.

That turned out to be the map room, complete with thrones for Sparkle and her inner circle. Starlight couldn't ask for much more beyond a filing cabinet full of plans to perpetuate the status quo. She stashed the stallion behind the throne furthest from the entrance, sat in it, and reviewed the modifications she'd made to Star Swirl's chronomancy. Plenty of time for the princess to stumble upon her. Soon, her revenge would be complete.

Starlight rubbed the back of her head with a forehoof. "Aaaand yeah, that's pretty much what happened before you came in. Sorry again."

Twilight leaned back in her chair—wings or no, she hated calling it a throne—and sighed. Having the perpetrator available during the after-action report was a nice change of pace from petrifying, banishing, or outright exploding them, but it didn't make looking back at everything that had gone wrong any more enjoyable.

"In my defense," Brave Heart said from Twilight's left, still sporting an ice pack, "most unicorns are too dazed to even make sparks after a headbutt."

"Well, Starlight certainly isn't most unicorns. I should have mentioned her, but I never thought she'd..." Twilight trailed off and hummed to herself. She turned her attention to her new student, sitting shamefacedly on the other side of the Cutie Map. " Honestly, I'm not sure what I thought you were getting up to. I figured the Guard would be handling it."

"I am pretty good at not being noticed when I don't want to be. The invisibility spells don't hurt." Starlight fidgeted for a few moments before she continued. "I'm sorry if this is out of line, but you'll want to get more guards if you don't want this to happen again."

Brave nodded. "I've been telling her that for moons now."

"It's not like my nemeses come seeking me out all the time." Twilight threw up her forelegs. "I'm the Princess of Friendship! I don't usually have nemeses!"

"Well, there's Queen Chrysalis, Lord Tirek, that Trixie mare you told me about, any Hooffields and/or McColts who may resent your interference, arguably Discord—"

Twilight gave her guard a flat look. "Brave Heart."

He shrugged. "I'm just saying, Twilight, the security risk is real."

Starlight tried to burrow into her seat.

"I suppose you have some ideas?" said Twilight.

That got a nod. "I can get in touch with some of my old pals from my freelance adventuring days. We've made a great team before." Brave grimaced. "Fair warning, though, Grevali will want to fight you one-on-one to see if you're worth his time."

The mares traded an uncertain look. "Worth his time... to protect?" said Starlight.

Brave shrugged. "I don't pretend to understand how griffons think, Miss Glimmer."

"How long will it take to contact all of them? Spike can't send letters to ponies he hasn't met. Or other creatures, for that matter." Twilight didn't mention how the time battle had left the poor hatchling exhausted. He'd made it through Starlight's sentencing yesterday, gone to bed, and been dead to the world since. She'd have been a lot more worried if he hadn't gone through the same thing after Discord's first release.

After a few moments, Brave nickered and said, "That's a fair question. They're pretty far afield."

"Well, I'm happy to reunite you with some old friends, but how about you put together a list of some contacts who might be a bit closer?"

"Can do. They can spread the word too." Brave smirked. "Though I'm guessing you don't want any personal ads put out in Warhorse of Fortune."

Twilight returned the expression. "I'd rather not, no."

"Um..." Both turned to Starlight, who flinched at the attention. Twilight held back her sigh. They'd work on that. "You are a princess, right? Can't you just ask for a bunch of troops from the Royal Guard?"

Twilight shook her head. "I don't want to be some unapproachable entity that ponies can only see after filling out three forms and passing a cavity search. If I have to have more guards, I want them to be like Brave Heart."

That prompted a wary look at the stallion. "Genially insane?"

Brave grinned. "Thank you, Miss Glimmer."

"Not exactly." Twilight didn't bother holding back her grin. She wanted Starlight to feel comfortable with a little irreverence. "I want ponies who can be my friends, and each other's. I want ponies who will be happy here, not just carrying out some grim duty because they were ordered to. In short, I want ponies who be at home in Ponyville."

Starlight shuddered. "Did anypony else just get a premonition of doom?"

Brave shrugged. "You get used to them."

* A gift from the Minoan embassy that Celestia had offered to get rid of it as a castlewarming gift.

In lieu of a dedicated interview room—which, admittedly, they probably could find if they spent long enough looking through all of the castle's spare rooms—Twilight decided to use the primary library. Talking to her would-be guards in her favorite armchair* would give a much more accurate impression of who they'd be guarding than the crystalline (and far less cushioned) Not-a-Throne of Magic, even with Brave Heart standing at attention by her side.

The first candidate to arrive also appeared to be a big believer in first impressions, if in a different way. Her mane and tail were tied in loose braids, so skillfully combed and conditioned that words like “luscious” and “chocolate waterfall” came to mind practically of their own accord. Her coat was a hue that Rarity might call carnation and Brave Heart might call an indistinct gurgle. Twilight split the difference and mentally labeled it “red light district.”

And then there was the outfit. The fact that the mare was even wearing one stood out, especially in Ponyville. The button-up shirt mostly didn’t, almost too small to make it across the mare’s rib cage and looking more like a sort of fascinator for her torso. The khaki shorts were practically painted on, taking up just barely enough room to cover her cutie mark. Even the unloaded crossbows at her sides only added a sense of enticing danger to the outfit.

But in spite of any thoughts Twilight might have had on the matter, the unicorn had proven respectful, considerate, and thoroughly professional throughout the interview. Twilight gave the application one last review and nodded. “Well, Miss Flechette, I'd say this has gone very well.”

“Wonderful to hear,” the mare said in a cultured Trottingham accent, flashing a smile that belonged on a magazine cover.

Twilight very carefully avoided thinking about what kind of magazine. “There's just one last issue we need to deal with."

One flawlessly maintained eyebrow rose. "Oh?"

"I am going to need to see your cutie mark, Miss Flechette.” The paperwork and references had all been impeccable. Perhaps too impeccable.

Flechette scowled prettily. "Prettily" appeared to be her aesthetic minimum. “Don’t you think you’ve seen enough?”

Twilight shrugged her wings. “It’s part of the standard background check." She raised an eyebrow of her own. "And we don’t normally wear clothes.”

The unicorn mare glanced around the library and cleared her throat. “It’s a bit drafty in here, wouldn’t you say?”

“Miss Flechette, I’m not wearing anything and I feel cold looking at that outfit." Twilight leaned onto one armrest, head in hoof. "Is there anything you’d like to tell me?”

Flechette wilted and turned towards the door, though she still managed to make it look good. “I’ll come back tomorrow. That should get me enough time to get the shorts off.”

“No need.” Twilight lit her horn, preparing Onion Skin's Tiered Transparency Transmutation.

"Wait—" But by the time Flechette said the word, her shorts had already gone see-through.

Compass roses and other eight-pointed stars were a common cutie mark theme among explorers, sophontologists, and diplomats, plotting courses through strange lands and strange cultures. But there was only one pony Twilight knew whose star was made out of crossbow bolts. “I ask again, Is there anything you’d like to tell me, Miss Craft?”

The unicorn mare rolled her eyes. “You do realize that Arrow Craft is as fictional as any of Daring Do's other rivals, yes?”

Twilight nodded. “Oh yes. I’ve met A. K. Yearling myself.”

That got a smile. “Ah. Good.”

Twilight's horn flared again. The library door shut and locked itself as purple light crept up the walls of the room. That last part was purely cosmetic—the teleport wards went active in an instant—but Twilight had her own sense of aesthetics. “I also helped her keep the Rings of Scorchero out of Ahuizotl’s paws.”

“Bugger.” Arrow Craft ran for the door anyway, running up the wall for several steps before rolling into a backflip as she drew the crossbows, lengths of her own golden magic standing in for physical bolts.

Then Twilight grabbed her in midair and telekinetically restrained every joint she had, leaving her no hope of avoiding Brave Heart's boomerang.

"She was very professional when we raided that Umbrum temple," said Brave.

"Uh huh. And how many of the relics went conveniently missing?"

That got a blank look. "Relics?"

Twilight sighed. "Exactly."

The next applicant made himself known long before he actually arrived in the library. Tremors shook the castle for almost a minute, the hairs of the back of Twilight’s neck all stood on end, and as she’d discover later, Sunset Shimmer wrote a nervous entry in their shared journal about something making her lingering inner demon gibber in fear.

The earth stallion bucking open the door did nothing to assuage anypony’s concern in this world or any other. He looked like somepony had painted Bulk Biceps green. Or possibly a hornless ox. Stitches that would’ve sent Rarity into a frenzy told of how his dress uniform had begun life as two separate ones. Even so, it still barely contained him.

With a final groundshaking step, he knelt before Twilight, seeming ready to wait for the next thousand years if need be.

She cleared her throat. “Sergeant Jumbo Lassowicz?”

“YES, YOUR HIGHNESS!” The volume control issues also brought Bulk to mind.

Twilight blinked, wiped the spittle off her muzzle, and cast an umbrella spell before looking at the application. She'd been looking at it for a few minutes before the shaking had started. Now she flipped through the back half as it became clear that it would be nearly identical to the front. “Well, I have to say, your service record is impressive. Eight years as a warden of Tartarus is almost unprecedented.”

“THANK YOU, YOUR HIGHNESS!”

After a wince, Twilight added a noise protection spell usually used during heavy construction. “As such, I have to ask, why did you want a transfer to Ponyville?” She cleared her throat. "And, uh, you may rise."

Sergeant Lassowicz did so, his eyes looking at some point above Twilight's head in the same way Brave Heart's did when he was being frustratingly dutiful. “MY SUPERIORS WANTED TO GIVE ME A GREATER CHALLENGE!”

Twilight took a deep breath and buried her face in her hooves for a few moments. “I really wish I could dispute that.”

“THEY CHOSE THE BEST OF THE BEST FOR THE TASK!" Sergeant Lassowicz stomped, sending a few hairline cracks through the floor. "I AM HUGE! THAT MEANS I HAVE HUGE GUTS!”

“Lungs, certainly.”

Twilight had meant to mutter that, but going by how Jumbo flattened his ears, she was already more deaf than she thought, even with the magic earplugs. “SORRY, PRINCESS!” He cleared his throat and brought his voice down to a volume roughly on par with Luna’s when she wasn’t thinking about it. “You don’t speak much in the pit, and when you do, you’ve got to shout over the wails and the electric guitars.”

That got a blink. Twilight glanced at Brave, who gave the slightest shrug he could while standing at attention. After turning back to Jumbo, she just said, “What?”

“I may have developed a few persistent auditory hallucinations while I was down there." After a few false starts, he gave a shaky smile. "Docs said it was environmental, though. Gave me a clean bill of health, physical and mental.”

“So I saw." Twilight still flipped back to those pages to double check. "That said, Ponyville may have more than its share of unusual occurrences, but I worry that you’ll be… well, underutilized.”

“As long as I can be of service at some point, Your Highness." Jumbo raised his head and looked off into a different part of the middle distance, like a recruitment poster come to life. "I’m doing this for all of us. And our children. And our children’s children!”

“That’s… very admirable." Even with ample distractions, Twilight's thoughts drifted back to the note on the very first page of the sergeant's application, and her gaze went with it. "So, uh, I have to ask. How exactly did you get the nickname ‘Doom Slayer,’ anyway?”

“Oh!" Jumbo chuckled at that, assuming that was what the grinding noise like Pinkie trying to make "authentic rock farm smoothies" was supposed to be. "Well, it’s a funny story, really. It involves some combat potions, a chainsaw, and my pet rabbit Daisy…”

After what Twilight could only call a very educational anecdote, she got out of the chair and offered her hoof to the stallion. “I take back what I said earlier, Sergeant Lassowicz. I think you’ll fit right in in Ponyville.”

The next applicant told a story just by walking in. The scar across her left eye contrasted with a crystalline prosthetic horn that part of Twilight wanted to spend the next three days disassembling and examining. The armor that worked well with the new candidate's dark violet fur and evoked Twilight's own palette raised questions, as did the not-quite-familiar Royal Guard rank insignia and the way she stopped short once she actually stepped into the room.

"Princess Twilight?" she said, eyes opened wide. "What are you doing here?"

Twilight shared an uncertain glance with Brave Heart before flipping through her clipboard. None of the applicants matched the mare's description. Finally, she looked back and said, "I live here?"

"Ah." The mare tried to settle herself, but when compared to her earlier easy confidence, her pinned-back ears and uneasy glances spoke of how shaken she still was. "Well then. I probably took a wrong turn, then. If you'll excuse me." She turned to leave, revealing Twilight's cutie mark on her armor's crupper.

"Hold on." The mare froze the moment Twilight told her to. Obedience to her voice being that deeply ingrained... "Who are you, exactly?"

The mare shook her head, sides heaving on the verge of hyperventilation. "I really shouldn't answer that question. Not yet, anyway. Please don't ask."

Twilight nodded. "The castle's still bleeding off tachyons from the time battle, isn't it?"

"Possibly." Ever so slowly, the tension began to ease out of the mare. "Not my area of expertise."

Slow clopping outside the room directed everypony's attention to it, where they spotted a wingless, half-asleep Twilight trudging down the corridor and muttering to herself. The unicorn walked past the tableau without any awareness of it, took a turn still in Twilight's muscle memory, and shut the door behind her. After a few moments of silence, Twilight was treated to the unique embarrassment of hearing her own micturition from another room.

"There's no bathroom there," muttered Brave Heart. After a moment, he added, "There's no room there."

"It does explain that one weird dream where Golden Oaks was made of rock candy." If Twilight spoke a bit more loudly than usual, well, she was a princess. That was apparently part of royal privilege. "Now I know why it stuck with me for so long. And don't forget, Pinkie and Cheese Sandwich both had a hoof in creating the castle."

The mystery mare shuddered. "On that note, I should really get of here before I cause some catastrophic paradox."

"Agreed. Thank you for your work in safeguarding the space-time continuum, Captain." Judging by the mare's quiet gasp, swapping out the sun for a six-pointed star hadn't changed what the rest of that insignia meant. "See you when I see you."

The mare saluted and trotted off, her hoofsteps fading to nothing far faster than they should have.

Twilight took a deep breath and nodded to herself. "Brave, please arrange an appointment with Zecora at her earliest convenience. Her amnestics always taste better than anything I can make."

"Yes, Your Highness," he said, which she allowed since they were still technically on official business.

"Any other applicants?"

"Not for today."

"Great." Twilight eased herself out of the chair. "I'll be in my room, screaming into a pillow as I process the implications."

Brave nodded. "Very good, Your Highness."

A strong, confident mare walked into the library, and Twilight felt the strangest sense of déjà vu.

The obvious comparison was to Arrow Craft, especially since both were unicorns. But where the tomb raider had deliberately cultivated sex appeal—Twilight hesitated to use the term, but it was the most accurate one—this mare just had an undeniable but incidental attractiveness that came from keeping herself in peak physical form, holding herself confidently, and being as tall as Luna.

Twilight shook her head and focused on the application. “I have to say, Miss Bombshell, this is an impressive track record, especially for a self-described bounty hunter.”

The mare's blue muzzle wrinkled. “I’m still not sure that’s the best translation for it. Equish isn’t my first language.”

“Yes, you had an... interesting foalhood before your work with the Equestrian Foreign Legion, not that you need me to tell you that." Twilight certainly didn't expect to get any other applicants who'd been raised by harpy monks after losing their parents in the remote wilderness on the other side of the world. "The commendation from Commander Red Earth definitely speaks well for you; I’ve met him myself and he is not easily impressed.”

Bombshell nodded, sending a wave down her blonde ponytail. “He certainly wasn’t.”

Twilight gasped. “Oh. I’m sorry, I hadn’t—”

A raised hoof cut her off. “It’s fine. It was a few years ago. Probably around the time Nightmare Moon returned.”

“I see." Twilight glowered at her clipboard. "That’s another thing my brother never told me.”

“Shining Armor had a lot of hard choices to make." Bombshell shrugged. "Still does, I’m sure, just different ones.”

“I suppose. Getting back to your credentials…” Twilight trailed off as she flipped to the page of notes she'd paper-clipped to the back of the application.

“Yes?”

“Well, I have two concerns. Firstly, since I first received your application, I did some research into the various places you listed, and I found a distressing theme among them.”

Bombshell tilted her head. “That being?”

“Most of them, well…" Twilight hemmed and hawed for a few moments as she tried to find a diplomatic way to phrase her concern. Then she just came out and said, "They're not there anymore.”

“In my defense, I’m not the one who planted or primed most of those explosives. The various pirate groups the Legion was targeting were strong believers in ‘If we can’t have it, no one can.’" Bombshell shook her head. "To say nothing of that changeling queen.”

“Yes, about those pirates." Twilight flipped back to the relevant page. "You mentioned they were led by dragons and…”

“Yes?”

“My assistant and adopted little brother is a dragon hatchling. Is that going to be a problem?”

Bombshell scowled and shook her head. “I didn’t take them down because they were dragons, Your Highness. I took them down because they were monsters. I like foals. I just don’t usually have a chance to work with or around them. There was this changeling larva…” She trailed off, a haunted look in her eyes.

After a few moments, Twilight cleared her throat. “Miss Bombshell?”

After a shudder and a deep breath, Bombshell collected herself. “Sorry. Bad memories. Suffice to say, your brother won’t have anything to fear from me.”

“That’s good to know, but I still have something to fear from Mayor Mare.”

“I don’t follow.”

“My friends and I don’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to collateral damage either." Twilight looked around the library. "And we're sitting in Equestria's biggest zoning violation, which doesn't help either. If it were entirely up to me, I’d have no issue with bringing you onboard. But while this is my castle, it’s the mayor's town. We’ve been working together to make sure of that since I first got my wings, so I’ll need to consult with her first." She offered a smile. "But I think we can make this work.”

“I see." Bombshell gave a shallow grin and a loose salute. "Thank you for the opportunity, Your Highness. See you next mission, hopefully.”

The next applicants were a duo, which felt like a mixed bag. Under one hoof, having a group, even a pair, rather than a lone wanderer meant they were more likely to make more social connections if Twilight signed them on. Under another, they were likely a package deal; if Twilight had irreconcilable issues with one, she couldn't ask the other to abandon them in good conscience.

That drawback definitely came to mind as she considered the ponies in the flesh. The shaggy, brown earth stallion seemed nice enough, but that pegasus... The red mare had a sly look in her eyes like Rainbow Dash planning out her more elaborate pranks, which wouldn't be so bad if her cutie mark weren't an explosion.

* When Discord blew up the best seller list, he didn't mix metaphors.

"So, Bear Bone and... Kamikazi." Twilight cleared her throat. Judging the book by its cover never ended well, even if that cover bore a worrying resemblance to The Joy of Anarchy.* "Thank you both for coming."

"No problem, Princess Purple," Kamikazi said with a lopsided grin.

"Kazi!" Bear Bone nudged her with a forehoof. Well, it was probably a nudge from him. It still sent her staggering, not that she seemed to mind. "Be nice, she's royalty."

Kamikazi shrugged her wings. "I didn't vote for her."

Twilight took a deep breath. "May I ask why you applied for the Twilit Guard?"

"Well, we—"

"Notoriety."

Bear Bone sighed and facehoofed. "Come on, Kazi."

"Well, it's true!" Kamikazi shot into the air, the better to throw up her forelegs in outrage. "We've dismantled old globs of dark magic across Equestria that make King Sombra look like a moody teenager, and nopony's even heard of us."

The stallion rolled his eyes. "Because we—"

She waved him off as she landed. "Yeah, yeah, I know why. But maybe the princess here will throw us at the problem the next time some big nasty lumbers in from the Everfree. That ought to be good for a little recognition."

Twilight cleared her throat. "Mr. Bone? Would you say this is accurate?"

"Well..." He huffed out a breath. "It would be nice, sure, but I was more focused on the Everfree than any cheers we'd get along the way. That place has been awful nasty for a long time. Between Luna coming back and the Tree of Harmony recovering, we might be able to get a real handle on it."

"I see." Twilight got out a pencil and added a few notes in her personal shorthand on the joint application alongside the earlier corrections of obvious typos. Apples and clouds featured prominently in the friendship equations. "Experience with dark magic disposal is certainly a big plus. I'm sure I'll run into more given my track record. But I have to ask how you two have accrued so much experience in the field." She flipped through the thick sheaf on papers on her clipboard for emphasis "I've met DMD technicians, and they're generally less... well, intact than you two. My brother's friend Talisman liked to say that you could tell the ones who hadn't gone on missions yet because they still had all their hooves."

Silence filled the room for an uncomfortable stretch of time, nopony able to meet Twilight's gaze. Finally, Bear Bone said, "That's kind of a long story, Your Highness."

"Bear and Kazi have, uh..." Brave Heart bit his lip. "Well, how should I put this? They..."

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Kamikazi took flight again, leaving her forehooves free to press against the sides of her head. And twist.

"Ah!" Twilight flinched back and fired a stun beam reflexively.

Kamikazi's body hit the floor. Her detached head bounced a few times before rolling to a stop against a writing desk. "Gah!" it cried. "Why's she need guards again?"

Brave Heart moved to block Twilight as she rose out of her chair. "Twilight! Easy!"

"She's a lich!" Twilight pushed off the cushion as she took flight herself.

"She's a sanctioned lich!" Brave countered.

"I put my date of birth right there on the dumb form! You think you're going to look this good when you're... Wait, darn, alicorn." Kamikazi sighed as her body trotted to her head and took hold of it. "Point stands, though. Do the math, Cannon-Face."

Twilight quirked an eyebrow and turned to Bear Bone. "I don't suppose you'd care to explain this?"

"There was an... incident with an old griffin witch's lair a few centuries ago." Bear Bone removed his bear-tooth necklace long enough for Twilight to take in his blackened sclera before putting it back on and reestablishing the literal illusion of normalcy. "It all just kind of happened. One minute we were exploring the ruins. The next, well..."

"Breathing became optional," said Kamikazi, twisting her neck back and forth now that she'd reassembled herself. "Argh. Every alicorn packs a wallop. I thought it might just be Celestia."

"Will you treat her with a bit more respect?" said Bear.

"I'll think about it."

"Their phylacteries are in secure containment in Canterlot," Brave noted. "They're a bit of an open secret in my circles, Your Highness. My apologies for not fully informing you."

"It's fine. I doubt I'd be so open-minded if I'd known ahead of time." Twilight sighed. "So you're relatively obscure because—"

"We haven't had a good job in almost fifty years, yeah." Kamikazi snorted. "Wandering the earth looking for random adventures gets old after a while, Your Hair-Triggeredness."

Bear gave her another healthy nudge. "Kazi, you're not helping."

"Have you even met me?"

Twilight sat back down and took a deep breath to steady herself. "I'm... going to need to think about this. Brave putting in a good word for you does help, but..."

"We understand, Your Highness," said Bear.

"We don't like it, but we understand."

"Though you don't need my permission to explore the Everfree."

Kamikazi shrugged her wings. "Could we get it anyway?"

"We've had a few... misunderstandings over the years," added Bear. "Hanging around creepy forests and old ruins could be asking for trouble."

Twilight nodded. "I can see that. I'll get something in writing."

The next pony to come into the library was another strong, confident, imposing mare. Though in this case, Twilight had already met her.

"Luna?"

She gave her fellow princess a nod. "Well met, Twilight. Your bannerstallion told us you sought to expand your personal forces."

Twilight looked back and forth between the other ponies in the room. "'Us' meaning..."

"Both sisters, Your Highness," said Brave Heart.

Another nod from Luna. "As the royal 'we' was always intended."

Twilight sighed and gave Brave a flat look. "Seriously? I was actively trying to avoid this." She turned back to Luna. "No offense intended, but I don't want to just march a chunk of the Royal Guard into Ponyville."

"The Guard isn't a uniform herd," said Brave. "There are plenty of ponies who are on survey teams, border patrol, all kinds of long-term, long-distance duties. Many of them would love an assignment closer to home while still being part of a relatively small deployment."

"Oh." Twilight coughed into a fetlock. "Why didn't you tell me that earlier?"

"This seemed like a case where it was better to beg forgiveness than debate you for a moon." Brave cleared his throat and offered a sheepish grin. "Your Highness."

Luna nodded. "It is a fine captain who knows his liege well enough to work around her for her own benefit. You are fortunate to have him, Twilight.

"Moreover, I approve of your initiative in seeking another group of boon companions beyond your fellow Bearers. While I remember the discomfort that comes as one assumes the throne, the fact remains that you are a princess. Certain expectations must be met, and a staff that consists of yourself, one guardspony, and your little brother scarcely qualifies." Luna looked around the library. "I am unsure how you even keep your palace clean."

Twilight shrugged her wings. "My current hypothesis is that the place eats dust."

"Ah. This is why I never delved into the deeper mysteries of Harmony. I have always found them more terrifying than reassuring, even among the Elements I once bore." Luna shuddered. "Especially Laughter."

"Luna, I'm always happy to see you, but don't you have more pressing duties?"

That got a nod and a smirk. "It is true. Rife as my schedule is with such minor concerns as watching over the dream realm and guiding the Moon, I cannot personally defend you. But I have not come to offer my own services as your mare-at-arms." Luna turned to the door. "Ladies?"

Five mares marched in, formed a line behind Luna, and saluted. Jagged yellow highlights stood out against their sleek purple-and-black bodysuits. They even arrayed themselves symmetrically, the pegasi on the outside, followed by the earth mares and the unicorn the center.

The effect was somewhat lessened by the beige pegasus on the right smirking and saying, "No ladies in the hallway, Your Highness. Just us."

Luna returned the grin. "I suppose you will have to suffice. At ease, you roustabouts."

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Those uniforms seem familiar."

"As well they should, for you were among the first to see them when I wrought them from Rainbow Dash's dreams. For all the regrettable deeds I did in my madness, even madness may produce something usable at times." Luna's brow furrowed, but she redoubled her grin a moment later. "'Shadowbolt' is a fine name for an elite battalion sworn to the moon. Perhaps even better for one sworn to twilight."

The mare who'd spoken up earlier waved. "Sergeant Indigo Zap. I'm in charge of these lunkheads."

That provoked a variety of angry comments regarding Sergeant Zap's hygiene, education, and parentage. Many of them drowned out one another, but Twilight caught enough to fold her ears back and blush.

"Hey, I'm the highest ranked mare here!" Zap barked.

The pink mare next to her shook her head. "Indy, I'm sure you're real proud of the stripes you found in that box of Frosted Mini-Bales, but that was in the Day Guard. Everypony knows we all listen to Sugarcoat."

"As you should," said the other earth mare, an icy blue with a mane done up in twintails that probably weren't regulation. She nodded to Twilight. "Your Highness."

"I'm Lemon Zest, for the record," the pink mare with a grin wide enough to make Twilight wonder if she was better described as Pink. "Nice to meet you; we'll try not to make more of a mess than the locals."

The other pegasus, a freckled yellow mare, snorted at that. "Bold claim there."

"More for some of us than others," said the unicorn, a light blue mare with bangs close to Twilight's. "Sunny Flare, Your Highness."

"And I'm Sour Sweet! Oh, I do so love new places and new ponies!" The pegasus went from cheer to sneer in an eyeblink. "They don't suspect anything."

"You said that last part out loud," said Twilight.

That just got a blank look. "Yeah, and?"

After taking a moment to digest that, Twilight took another to consider her next sentence. "You know, you're still the most suitable candidates since Sergeant Lassowicz."

Lemon Zest perked up at that, despite already seeming to be at maximum perk. "Doomguy's here? Awesome! I was on Tartarus Patrol with him until they transferred me for 'inappropriate recreational activities.'" She snorted. "Like I wasn't just setting the mood."

Twilight turned to her fellow princess. "Luna, I've been friends with Pinkie Pie long enough that I can tell when a mare's waiting to deliver the punchline."

That got a shake of the head. "Oh, my recommendation is no jest. For all their folly off the battlefield, these mares have proven more than capable on it."

"Even if we are the worst assassins ever," said Sour Sweet.

Sugarcoat nudged her with a shoulder. Sunny Flare added, "Not that we've ever been sent on any assassinations."

"And if we have," Lemon Zest chimed in, "you didn't hear it from us!"

"Uh..." Twilight looked to Luna for reassurance.

The smile that answered her came close. "Rest assured, Twilight, I do not send you blades in the night. Rather, I sought to meet that most vital of your criteria, the one good Sir Brave Heart made sure to note in his missive to us. You wanted ponies who would be at home in Ponyville. Those who would, to use the common vernacular, blend in."

Far too late, the explanation for the last week came to Twilight's mind. She groaned. "And every pony in this town is crazy."

Luna's smile didn't shift an inch. "Your words, my savior, not mine."

Author's Note

Onion Skin's Tiered Transparency Transmutation first appeared in another of my silly crossovers.

Samus Aran is canonically 6’3”. That Chozo DNA works wonders.

Bear Bone and Kamikazi are borrowed with permission from Banjo64, specifically from Undead Robot Bug Crusaders, one of the best stories on the site whose title can be sung to the tune of the old TMNT cartoon's theme song.

And this story is dedicated to the dearly departed Darth Link 22, whose Integration provided the inspiration for making one Twilight's classmates the other's guards. Though, admittedly, that Twilight brought on Flash Sentry to lead her personal guard.