Canternet

by bdoubleowo

Rating: mature
Tags: Hitch Trailblazer, Profanity, Random, Izzy Moonbow, Pipp Petals, My Little Pony: A New Generation, Sunny Starscout, Zipp Storm, Sex
Length: 1111

The Mane Five discover the downsides of being Equestrian heroes.

Pipp Petals has discovered the dark side of the Canternet. As a Hitch streamer, she knows this side exists. But she'd never actually seen any herself. Until now.

- Cover art by SoulfulMirror.
- Rated "Sex" for mentions of and discussion about sex. Rated "Mature" because I'm not sure whether I went
too far or not with the actual sex discussion.
- Also there is some Zipp/Hitch shipping.

My first MLP fic in two years, not counting a DSMP/MLP fic I wrote on Ao3. Which I don't count. Damn you Tumblr for being such a weird inspirational source.

Published 2022-05-08 18:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-05-08 18:00:01 UTC

Not Safe For... Well, anypony!

Pipp Petals could not believe her eyes.

Really, she couldn't. What the actual fuck was she looking at?

All she could do was stare at her iPone, her expression similar to one of a mare who had sat on a beehive.

As she stared, there was a knock on her door. Izzy Moonbow, resident fun-loving unicorn of their shared house, trotted in, singing a song. "This is how a unicorn walks- Walks! This is how a unicorn talks- Talks! This is how a unicorn hoo- ooh, what's that, Pipp?" Pipp jumped, surprised, and turned around to see the blue-maned purple unicorn behind her, staring at the phone as well.

Izzy's expression grew from interested to confused. She looked up at Pipp. "So? What is it?"

Pipp facehooved. "Izzy, I am so, so, so sorry!" She got up out of the chair she usually used for livestreaming on Hitch (no, not the sheriff, the social media site) and began walking around in circles. "You see, I've had to deal with this a lot. As a Hitch streamer, the Pippsqueaks are some of my favorite ponies out there!" She smiled widely, then frowned. "However, I must admit there is a side of them that is kind of... shall we say..." She trailed off, thinking of the right word.

"Sexy?" Izzy had taken the phone and was scrolling through the pictures. She blushed. "Ooh, this one's good... Can I borrow this?"

"Izzy!" Pipp cried out, appalled. "Why in Twilight's name would you think that's appropriate?!" She snatched the phone back, blinking at the picture Izzy had called up, then sighed. "Okay, I will admit it, you're not... wrong, that photo is rather hot... but STILL!" Her face had turned bright red, and her wings were outstretched in a position referred to in Pegasi biology books as the "wingboner."

There was the sound of the front door closing. Hitch and Zipp had entered the house, conversing with each other about something. "I'm telling you, Hitch, Maretime Bay is awesome, but you have not lived until you tried out the Zephyr Heights Wonderbolt base. It was built during the Battle of Cloudsdale and it has amazing jet turbines that you can fly in! Even back when magic wasn't around, I would use that shit to practice my flying and gliding... it was fucking rad."

Hitch smirked. "That does sound awesome. But seriously, does it compare to the CanterLogic factory tours? I mean, that company created Earth Pony technology for years, there is so much one can learn there! Well, besides the whole unicorn trap thing, that was a misstep... Although to be fair that was made when we were still enemies."

Zipp shook her head, but she was smiling. "And that's another thing, the Wonderbolt base has zero traps. None for Earth Ponies, none for Unicorns, and of course none for Pegasi. Of course, we don't need those anymore, though!"

Hitch laughed, and that was when they noticed Izzy and Pipp watching them. "Hey sis!" Zipp waved, flying over and landing next to Izzy. "What's up?"

"Nothing!" Pipp screeched, trying furiously to hide her blushing face with her wings. Unfortunately, since she was holding her phone with her feathers, she accidentally showed Hitch and Zipp the full frontal of what was on the screen.

Hitch reeled backwards, shocked at what he saw. "I... I need a minute," he muttered, waving his hoof in the air. "Let me get this straight. Is that... is that me?"

"Yep!" Izzy smirked. "I'm hoping it's accurate, too..." Hitch's face grew bright red.

"So what if it's accurate or not?" Zipp scoffed. "Hitch is hot with or without a large d- I mean, he's hot anyway- I mean... oh Twilight dammit!" She threw her hooves into the air. "Why am I so bad at this?!"

"Can we not talk about my privates, please?!" Hitch's face was now as red as Sprout's. "I mean, seriously!" His legs were crossed in a peculiar position.

The girls all smirked at one another. "Hitch, is there something you don't want us to see?" Zipp asked. Pipp's eyes grew wide.

"Actually, Hitch is right. Can we not talk about this?" She intervened quickly, hoping to get the conversation onto topics that were more Everyone-rating.

"Not talk about what?" asked a familiar voice. Sunny had entered the room, staring at the four others, who were staring back at her with deer-in-headlights expressions and bright red faces.

"Oh." Sunny blinked, realizing what was going on. "Seriously, guys?"

"Izzy started it!" Pipp yelled out, and Izzy gasped in shock.

"What? No! You started it! You were looking at it!" she cried out. Sunny was now very confused.

"Okay, wait, what exactly were you looking at?" she asked, knowing she was going to regret it.

"This!" Zipp had grabbed Pipp's phone and showed it to Sunny, accidentally changing the photo as she did.

Sunny's face had gone bright red. "Izzy? What is this?" She held up the phone, and the others all froze. The image on the phone was no longer a sexy Hitch image, but was now a sexy Izzy image, showing the blue-maned unicorn prostrating herself in front of an unseen camera, her... privates... visible for all to see.

"Oh, it's just fanart." Izzy waved it off. "I see that all the time now that I have access to the Canternet. Honestly, it doesn't bother me much. It did at first, but not much anymore."

"How can that not bother you?!" Hitch cried out, his voice frantic. "Seriously! How?!"

Sunny wasn't really listening. She was scrolling through the photos, seeing lewd image after lewd image appear on the screen. First it was an image of Pipp getting fucked on camera in front of her viewers. Then it was an image of Hitch banging the four mares. Then it was... What the actual fuck?! Was that me and my dad?! "Fuck! What the fuck was that?!" She threw the phone down, swiping right to the Hitch gangbang picture so she wouldn't subject any of the others to the horror she had just seen.

She looked at the others, who were now looking back at her. "Everypony?" Sunny stated, "I think we need therapy after this."

Author's Note

Social media pony puns:
iPone = iPhone
Hitch = Twitch
Canternet = Internet

EDIT: OK SO APPARENTLY "CANTERNET" IS THE CANON NAME??? Found here! IT WAS MENTIONED AT 3:02?? I swear I thought I made that pun but nope, Hasbro beat me to it. 11 days ago. I only watched the episode yesterday though so I swear I had no idea until now. WHAT.