The Nut Patrol

by DrySpell

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Human, Anon, Porn, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 5753

Protected by the law, The Nut Patrol stalks the streets, watching for anyone who's behind on their Nut Inspections. Pinkie is the leader, and she's got her eyes on Public Enemy #1.

The Nut Patrol is an organization here in Equestria that operates quite similarly to the IRS back on Earth. It doesn't matter where you flee or what corner of the world you decide to hide in. What matters is that you make your deposit.

I decided not to pay up. And that means that the leader of that merry band of pretty ponies may be heading for me soon...

Contains: Human Male on Female Pony ACTION. Slight BDSM Play ACTION (there's a leash). Plot (that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but bear with me). Dubious consent which eventually turns into actual consent. Unrealistic depictions of the male and female libido and stamina... ACTION

Art is here by InsecureFlaky (I added a background)

Published 2022-05-06 16:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-05-06 16:50:01 UTC

Pay Your Dues

For some reason, running through alleyways on this hot summer day, Anon began to remember his first days being whisked away to the magical land of Ponyville. The days when he was a carefree tourist in these magical lands full of wonder. The days when his greatest worry was getting too immersed in everything around him.

“I saw him take a shortcut through here!” Anon took a hard left, then ducked behind a trashcan. His heartbeat was almost as loud as the approaching hoofsteps against the cobblestone. He held his breath as they got deafening, and waited for them to approach. They reached a climax, then quickly sped past his location. With a hefty exhale, he could finally relax and listened to their voices slowly fade away. He rested his head on the wall behind him, taking a moment to catch his breath.

“Fuck, that was close,” he whispered. Though he finally had this moment to himself, staying here was completely out of the question. Once they realized they lost him, they’d surely come back and search for him here. Worse, if she joined their efforts, he’d have no chance at hiding, no matter how far he got. With another deep breath, he got to his feet. He searched his immediate surroundings, then took off in a new direction.

Unlike what his feverous escape would have most believe, Anon wasn’t in any mortal danger. In fact, during his first few weeks here, he wouldn’t have had to be chased. The “Nut Patrol”, as they called themselves, were a group of government-backed ponies who made it their mission to fuck every human they could get their grubby hooves on. Their official purpose was “to mix the cultural activities of both to create something completely new” but anyone who’d been warped over here knew that was all a ruse. Man or woman didn’t matter. Once they were through with you, all you would be is a husk.

Despite these warnings, Anon dutifully showed up to each scheduled inspection when he was asked. The main reason was that he was a law-abiding citizen, of course. Drowning in horse pussy was an afterthought.

But the inspections kept getting more and more frequent. Twice in one day, then three times. It got to the point where he was fucking more than he was eating. They loved him down at the offices, and he was something of a legend among the ponies and humans that knew him.

He ducked away into another alleyway. If he could make his way to a human safehouse, he’d be relatively safe. Disguised as upstanding establishments, these were an elaborate system of hidey-holes created by supportive ponies for humans that wanted to skip out on inspections. The Nut Patrol had knocked over a few, but there was one, long-standing one that they had yet to realize was a stronghold: a horseshoe shop named "The Steady Irons".

As it came into view, Anon focused even more than before. Getting caught now would be more catastrophic than just getting caught alone. He triple checked for any patrols, then dipped into the front of the store.

The old stallion sitting behind the counter was as ordinary as they came. His hair grew over his eyes, shrouding most of his face. Still, in Anon’s experience, he was more perceptive than many others. He cleared his throat, then pressed his hoof onto a damp cloth, turning the page in a novel on his desk.

“It must be quite bad if you’re here, Mr. Anon.” The man spoke with an eloquence foreign to Ponyville, though comforting to Anon. He was surrounded by lines of shiny horseshoes that Anon had heard were quite quality. He scanned the book in front of him with a blank expression.

“Three patrols looking for just me so far,” said Anon, slowly making his way to the desk. “Thankfully, their leader hasn’t popped up anywhere recently. She’s being oddly quiet, but that’s good for me.”

“Of course.” The stallion got to his hooves, then slowly hobbled over to the side. He pushed open the door, then led Anon through it. Beyond it, there was a small storeroom full of random boxes and old furniture. The two made their way to a wardrobe off to the side, pushing it along the floor to reveal a hatch. With a hook of his hoof and a slight tug, the hatch came up, with a ladder leading downward hiding behind it. “You’re the only one that’s come around for today, though I expect others will surely come in soon.”

“Thanks for all you do,” answered Anon, quickly. “And I’m sorry to put you in this danger.” The stallion stared back.

“There’s no need for an apology,” he responded. “In fact… no, nevermind. I will cover the hatch as you descend.” With a nod of acknowledgement, Anon descended into the depths, listening as a heavy object was moved over it to hide its existence. He took a deep breath of relief, then turned and opened the door leading into the safe room proper.

A large object ran forward into him, giving him very little time to react. His hands reached up but they were nowhere near high enough to protect him from it barrelling into him. He fell onto his back, his vision scrambling and his body disorienting. After a few blinks, he finally regained enough consciousness to understand what had hit him. And once he did, he very much wished he hadn’t.

“Stop there, fiend!” Anon’s field of view was almost entirely covered by a maelstrom of curly pink locks. The rest was a mare’s face pressing up against his own. “Hehe. How was that? I’ve been working on my catching criminals catch phrase.”

Pinkie Pie, current leader of the Nut Patrol. Anon’s personal demon.

There was an event that caused Anon to see the Nut Patrol for what they really were. On a hot day like this, called into the offices, he did what many others thought impossible. 10 inspections in a row. Nonsensical and ridiculous, but to them, a new norm in the world of their cultural exchange. The one who brought about this change was the mare in front of him now.

“How the fuck did you find me?” Anon attempted to push up against Pinkie, but he didn’t expect much. It was as futile as it was exhausting. Her ass was simply too fat. “There’s no way you found out about this place so quickly, there weren’t any other patrols around.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” she answered, waving her hoof in a circle. “Just a few bits in the right place would make any stallion crack. That guy up there just got enough to file for retirement three times over.”

“So now you’re stooping to bribes?” said Anon, the worry in his voice mounting rapidly. “It doesn’t matter if you’re backed by Celestia, she won’t let this slide.”

“Oh Nonnie, you’re so silly,” said Pinkie with a small giggle. “That wasn’t a government expense! That came from my own pocket!”

“W-What?” Anon asked. “But… that amount of bits would ruin someone's finances.”

“It was super worth it!” Her eyes narrowed, and her hoof pressed against his chest. She circled it there, sending a chill down Anon’s spine. “After all, thanks to that donation, I get to spend the rest of the day with you.” Pinkie pushed herself off of him, giving him a good view of her eagerly leaking pussy. From the little time she was sitting on him, a small pool of her cum had stained his shirt.

“If you think I’ll just sit here and take it…” Anon pushed up with explosive force, knocking Pinkie off balance and allowing him to quickly turn around. He was quick, but Pinkie was much quicker. Before he could even start to get to his feet, her hoof pressed something against his neck. As he tried to run for the ladder, he was jerked back hard, falling onto his ass. “W-What the hell is this?”

“I knew you’d get a little rowdy, Nonnie. So I put in some extra time to get one of these!” Anon brought his hand to his neck, feeling the leather strap that had been slipped on. As he touched it, it tugged on him, dragging him back towards Pinkie. He’d been leashed. “A friend of mine recommended this to me. It’ll keep ya still for a while.”

Anon knew better than to fight against Pinkie in a contest of strength. Despite their colorful appearances they were creatures of muscle. Fighting against Pinkie as she dragged him further inside would only end up choking him out before he escaped. Gritting his teeth, he followed Pinkie as she pulled him inside. Once the door closed behind him, he knew any escape he could have thought up was out the window.

“Hey, Anon?” Pinkie’s voice took his attention back. Once again, she ran into him, but with much less force. Her forehooves wrapped around his waist, and she pulled him into a makeshift hug. “I’m so glad you’re here with me. I love you…” Anon stood silent for a moment, then sighed.

“Those words would mean a lot more if you weren’t trying to sneakily take off my pants as you said them.” Pinkie giggled, then pulled her head back, revealing her plan. In her mouth was the hem of his jeans, now unfastened from the button they were on before. Next, she reached in, unzipping them with her teeth. With a small shake of her head, his pants fell to his ankles.

“Ya got me!” She said with a big smile. Anon didn’t share the same enthusiasm. Pinkie pressed her muzzle up against his boxers, slowly coaxing him into action. Despite his wishes, his body reacted quickly, a tent pitched in his pants within a minute. Pinkie giggled again, then pressed her mouth on the bulge. “Mmph, mm mm mm.”

“I can’t nngh, understand you,” mumbled Anon. She continued anyway, humming and mumbling incoherently. Anon’s breathing started getting shallower. “Can we hurry this along?”

“Mmph!” Though Anon still couldn’t understand her words, she was clearly upset. She pulled back, and frowned. “C’mon, Nonnie. Enjoy yourself a little… I know I will.” She pulled back, tugging on the leash. Anon grimaced but followed her again.

The safe room was well furnished to accommodate several humans at once. There was a small kitchen, a living room and a few cots. It was enough to hold people together for long enough for the heat to die down and for them to get back to some semblance of a normal life. But now, it was being defiled by the very thing they were trying to run from.

Instead of leading him to the cots, Pinkie picked an interesting direction. She pulled back and put her forehooves on the counter of the kitchen. Her tail flicked back and forth wildly, and she looked back to Anon.

“Help me up, Anon!” He paused in confusion for a second, but obliged. In the next moment, Pinkie was standing up there, now a head above Anon. Almost immediately, she flipped onto her back, her upside-down head pointing directly at his crotch. “Ooh, this is so cool!”

“What are you doing?” asked Anon.

“Another thing my friend showed me,” she answered, pushing her hoof into his stomach. “Take off your boxers and I’ll show you.” He was reluctant to follow along, but a quick couple of tugs on the leash got him to obey. He pulled down his boxers and released the beast in his pants. He was sure he could see Pinkie’s eyes light up. “Mmm, now matter how many times I see it, I love it.”

“Why? I’m below average for a stallion.”

“But you’re not a stallion, silly,” she said with a giggle. “Nevermind why! Worry about the when.” Anon raised an eyebrow.

“When?”

“When are you gonna shut me up by stuffing that thing inside me?” She opened her mouth wide, barely enough to take in his girth. Anon swallowed as her tongue curled to invite him inside. “I heard that when you do it like this, you can see your dick when it’s inside. That sounds like fun, right?”

Anon didn’t answer. Her provocations were having an unfortunate effect on his reasoning. Over the past month or two, he’d been so stressed, that he didn’t have any time to unwind. A good throat swabbing sounded like just the thing to start off a long-overdue break. He leaned forward, hands planted on either side of her body, and pushed his hips forward.

Pinkie let out a small cry of excitement before pinching down on the tip with her lips. Despite the increased tightness of passage, Anon still pushed through, his efforts being rewarded with a warm squeeze. As he looked down, he could see what Pinkie was talking about before. A lump formed and increased in size the deeper he went in until he was fully inside and his balls rested on Pinkie’s muzzle. With an involuntary twitch of the leg, Pinkie began sucking at the shaft.

“Mphm, mmng.” Once again, Pinkie started talking with her mouth full. This time though, the vibrations stimulated Anon nicely. With a few deep breaths, he pulled back enough to give Pinkie room to both breathe and speak. With a mighty smack, Anon’s cock popped from her lips. “That was tasty, hehe.”

Anon ignored her, then pushed back in with less resistance. She craned her neck back, giving him even more space to push in. With new ground to cover, he got to work, pumping his hips into her face at a steady rate. Every time he thrust in, Pinkie would swathe her tongue over the shaft, nearly circling it entirely as she did so. After a bit, she would lick at the tip, catching any pre that happened to dribble over.

Speaking of, Anon couldn’t help but notice her twitching leg as he fucked her throat. Pinkie told him in the past that it was a sign that she was really enjoying herself. His eyes shifted to her pussy, which had continued leaking with increased intensity. Every few seconds, another drip of her cum would join the pool on the table and slowly drip onto the floor below. Her thighs were slick with it, making a mess of not only her surroundings but herself.

“Fuck,” mumbled Anon. He was getting too into it. Despite this, he repositioned his hands on either side of her body and used her as an anchor to thrust even faster. Her moans filled the room, mixed with the sloppy sound of her saliva getting blended in her mouth. He leaned in even more, his speed reaching a boiling point, then smashed his hips forward. A mighty slap followed accompanied by the sound of his seed filling up Pinkie’s mouth.

As she drained his balls, he could hear Pinkie’s hefty gulps. After looking down, he was sure he could see his cum getting swallowed every other second. A few deep breaths later, he pulled away from Pinkie, the leftover cum from his tip sliding down her face and muzzle. After a couple more gulps, Pinkie let out a hefty sigh.

“Ahh, that was great,” hummed Pinkie, slowly flipping over onto her stomach. She wiped her face, then stretched herself out so that her hooves went over the sides. “You never fail to impress, Nonnie!”

“Then that’s it, right?” asked Anon. “That’s my inspection. To do another one, you’ll have to go back to the office.” Pinkie paused, staring at Anon in silence. Then, out of nowhere, she broke into a fit of laughter. She was laughing so hard that she even snorted a couple of times. If Anon could, he’d strangle her then and there.

“Oh, Nonnie, you’re such a jokester!” she answered. “You think I wouldn’t have the inspections already filed before heading out here?” Anon gulped. He may have seemed silly, but Anon knew just how cunning she could be.

“How… How many did you put in?” Pinkie giggled but didn’t answer the question. Instead, she pulled him close again with the leash, then grabbed his wrist in her hoof. She flipped over again and, with a light tug, she coaxed him toward her lower stomach, just above her pussy. She pressed his hand onto it, then slowly circled the area.

“I’ll tell you later,” she mumbled. “But for now… can you do the thing with your fingers?” Controlling Anon’s hand, she slid it over her clit and down to her lips. She was almost impossibly wet and slick. She pressed down until Anon’s fingers pushed past them, then let out a little moan. “Please? I love when you do that…”

“On one condition,” he said. He could clearly see how much Pinkie wanted this and intended to use this knowledge to his advantage. “After this, you let me go. No more inspections, at least for today.” While Pinkie could control him to an extent, his fingers were his own. Nothing they could do could force him to use them. Pinkie whined, but Anon’s stern face never changed.

“Fine… okay,” she said with heavy breaths. Her hoof left his hand and grabbed onto him. “Give it to me, Nonnie.”

Anon slipped his middle and ring fingers inside Pinkie’s pussy as easily as pie. It pulled a low moan from her, but her volume quickly escalated as he got to work. They started slowly with his fingers digging at her. She was tight enough to make moving around tough, but her cum made everything as slick as butter. He pumped his fingers in quicker and quicker, eventually reaching a fast, machine-like rhythm.

The sloppy sounds of his fingering filled the room, along with Pinkie’s voice. Anon was thankful the safe room came equipped with soundproof walls. If they weren’t, he was sure the ponies passing by on the street above them could hear her.

“Mmph, Nonnie.” Her voice was enough to make his dick twitch. “Ah, you’re sooo good.”

“Stop,” grumbled Anon. “Don’t talk like this is a porno.”

“I can’t help iiiiit…” whined Pinkie. Anon switched from pumping back to clawing, pressing up against her g-spot. With a small yelp from Pinkie, he continued faster than before. “L-Lick me too. Please.”

Anon wanted to grumble in protest but decided it wasn’t worth it. He leaned down until his mouth lined up with her clit. Just by breathing near it, it winked furiously. He took the whole thing in his mouth, circling it with his tongue like a small cherry. Pinkie’s moans reached a feverish pitch, and her body trembled in his hold. He recognized these things well and pulled his face away from what would soon be the splash zone.

Her body clenched up. With a mighty moan, clear liquid jetted from her, in between his fingers. Despite her squirting, he didn’t pause for even a second. With the same ferocity, he continued to slosh around her insides, bringing forth even more liquid to spurt from her uncontrollably. After about half a minute, he stopped abruptly, pressing down hard on her g-spot as the last of her orgasm dribbled into his hand. He pulled back his hand now covered in her warm cum, and instinctively licked it.

The room fell into an uncomfortable silence contrasting heavily with the loud moans and squishing sounds only a minute prior. The only thing of note was Pinkie’s panting as she regained her composure. Her legs twitched every now and then as well. Instead of watching her, Anon circled the table to the sink and washed his hands. It was much harder than one would think since Pinkie’s cum shot far enough to cover the soap dispenser in it.

“Okay, now that’s it,” said Anon, turning back. Pinkie was still in her ecstasy-drunk state, staring up at the ceiling with stars in her eyes. Anon sighed, then moved closer. “Could you at least take the collar off?” Those words got her to react.

“Nngh,” she shook her head, then looked towards Anon near her hind hooves. Slowly but surely, she flipped over again, getting to her shaky hooves. She turned around to face him. “You’re so amazing, Nonnie, ehehehe.”

“Please take the collar off,” Anon pleaded. Pinkie giggled.

“Okay, okay, you party pooper.” She motioned with her hoof for him to come closer. As he did so, he leaned forward, giving her easy access to his neck. Instead, her hooves rested on his shoulders and she brought their faces together.

Pinkie's tongue broke through Anon’s lips with ease. It pressed and prodded against his until it woke up. She twisted it and flicked at it, humming against him all the while. Anon wanted to push against her, but his body rejected his wish. All it did was arouse and aggravate him. After the kiss as wild as her appearance, she pulled away.

“Why’d you do that?” asked Anon.

“Dunno,” she said. Her smile was wide enough to make up for Anon’s frown. “Why are you hard again?” Anon’s face flushed red, and he shook his head.

“It’s a natural reaction.”

“So you do want to fuck me then?” Her voice peaked with excitement. She leaned past his head to speak into his ear. “Well, what’s the holdup? Rut me like you used to.”

“You’ll run me into the ground,” grumbled Anon. In response, Pinkie giggled and pulled him in closer.

“Any mare would be excited if they found a guy who could keep up with them in bed,” she said. “But I can behave myself. Even if it’s once or twice a week, I’ll wait for you.”

“The others in the patrol would get me anyway.”

“I can put in a word for you,” she said. “You’ll stay with me where nopony else will mess with you.” With each word, Anon could feel his grip on the situation slipping. Despite this, he still held strong, and Pinkie knew he wouldn’t crack that easily. “Come on, Nonnie. We haven’t done it in so long…”

“It’s only been a couple of months—” Anon clenched up as she bit down on his ear. As she pulled and nibbled, she moaned softly, sending horny thoughts directly to his brain.

“Catch me.” With a small hop, Pinkie left the table and landed on Anon’s chest. His hands moved quickly and out of instinct, reaching down to her ass. The ponies still weighed a significant amount of weight, so Anon had to be careful not to drop her. His fingers sunk into her ass and her hind hooves spread out on either side of his body. Once she was finally secured in his grasp, she faced him head-on, closer than before. “Your dick… I want it now.”

Anon gulped. She was right before. He’d returned to a rock-solid hardness thanks to Pinkie. And now, that hard-on was more or less directly positioned in front of her pussy. His body moved faster than his mind and lined his tip up with her. Though he at least thought he should take it slow, his body was tired of pussyfooting around. As soon as it was sure it would penetrate, it thrust his hips forward with enough force to smash a boulder.

“Nngh, ahh…” Pinkie let out a grunt and her legs twitched. “Ooh… I thought you’d reject me again. Thank Celestia you wanted this too.”

“Shut up,” growled Anon. “This is… a quickie. To relieve stress.”

“Mmhm!” hummed Pinkie, her excitement clearly leaking through her voice. “Ready when you are!” Anon scoffed but started anyway.

Her insides were wet, sticky, and soft all at once. Anon almost lost himself thrusting after only a few seconds. Soon he regained his composure, but it only got tougher. Her pussy would squeeze down on him as if it were begging him to stay as deep as possible. As a result, each pump let out a wet squelch when he jabbed against the back and smashed against the pool of cum already inside her.

He ramped up his speed, eventually pulling small whimpers from Pinkie. His grip tightened on her ass, only giving him more thrusting power. Every second, his balls would slap against her ass audibly, their cushioning protecting them from any harm.

“I missed this so much,” mumbled Pinkie, panting. “You always do it just right.” Anon’s heart skipped a beat. He grit his teeth, then sped up once again, much to Pinkie’s enjoyment. “Hehehe, you like it when I praise you, huh?”

“N-No,” breathed Anon. “I just… want to finish this as quickly as possible.” Pinkie wrapped her forehooves around his back, pulling them even closer together. Anon’s heartbeat got louder in his ears with each passing second, coming to a deafening peak in his ears.

“Finish me, then,” said Pinkie. Her tail twitched back and forth violently. She knew he was close. “Cream this p—”

“Do not say that,” warned Anon. With a giggle, she leaned up with a kiss that sealed the deal.

Cum exploded from him with a deep and guttural grunt from his lips. He pulled her as far down on his dick as it would go, making sure that the cum would definitely splash against the back of her pussy. She clenched down on him with each heartbeat that banged against his chest, and it felt amazing. His cum slowly dribbled down, coating his cock with it once again before dripping out of Pinkie and onto the floor below.

“So warm…” she mumbled. “And so much, too.” After a few seconds of catching his breath, he pulled out, more cum dribbling into a mess on the floor. Anon made a mental note to eventually clean that up. In the meantime, he looked at Pinkie, a scheme brewing in his mind.

“There’s more where that came from.” Pinkie’s ears perked up, and she quickly looked up to face Anon. A smile had spread across his face, and determination burned in his eyes. “I’ve finally got the perfect plan to get you off of me.”

“Ooh, what is it?” Pinkie’s eyes burned as well, with pure excitement and joy.

“I’m gonna fuck you until you’re sick of me,” he said. He led them to the cots at the back of the room. He flipped her onto her stomach and pressed her head into the soft pillow on top of it. With her head down, he was free to pull on her tail until her ass pushed skyward. “You’re gonna get so fed up of sex today that you’ll never want to see me again.”

“Good plan!” exclaimed Pinkie with a giggle. She shook her hips, her massive ass swaying seductively in Anon’s face. “Good luck. You already know that I’m quite insatiab—” Her voice was cut off by a yelp after he thrust in. He tugged on her tail like she did his leash, which now lay on the ground next to the cot.

Anon was in control of the situation now. Definitely. For sure.

From there, Anon pulled out all the stops. He dug deep and brought out all of his experience. Any position you can name, he did it. Doggystyle at the start, then cowgirl. Missionary and mating press. Even the far-out ones like The chicken wing hing ding and the double-decker ball buster: he did them all.

Though everyone has their limit. No matter how many times he came inside Pinkie, he was acutely aware that his body had learned its lesson for acting before it thought. As he laid down on the cot, his entire lower body ached, covered in both his own cum as well as Pinkie’s. Laying next to him using his arm as a pillow, was Pinkie. She hadn’t stopped dripping cum for the last hour, and if her murmurs and hums were anything to go off of, she enjoyed it.

“How… how many times was that?” asked Anon, breathlessly. Pinkie didn’t answer right away, instead turning a bit to face him. She placed her hoof on his chest, then giggled.

“44!” Her voice was just as giddy and bubbly as it was at the start. “With that much, I’ll definitely be having your foals, Nonnie.”

“Yeah right,” groaned Anon. He put his free hand over his head. “So? Did it work?”

“Yup, yup!” she said, clambering on top of Anon once again. “Completely satisfied! I think that'll last me for a while!”

“Thank God.” Anon took a deep breath of relief. After a bit of silence, he removed his hand and looked at Pinkie again. “By the way… earlier, how many of those inspections did you put in?” Pinkie giggled.

“None!”

“N-None?”

“I told you before, this was a personal thing,” she elaborated. “I spent my own money, and took today off specifically for this.” She smiled. “I did tell a bit of a lie though, didn’t I?” Anon laid there with his mouth agape. Pinkie was cunning, but he never expected her to play him so well with such a simple trick. The absurdity of it made him chuckle.

“That’s ridiculous,” he said. “Why would you do any of this?”

“I told you that, too!” she exclaimed. With her hoofs wrapped around his body, she rubbed her muzzle into him. “Cause I love you.”

“You’ve got a really peculiar way of showing it.”

“Maybe!” She pushed up from him. “Hey, let’s go again!”

“I thought you said you were satisfied?” asked Anon, dumbfounded. Pinkie chuckled, then rubbed her hips against Anon’s bottoms. Despite having ‘learned its lesson’ minutes prior, it seemed like his body was extremely forgetful.

“That was then and this is now!” she answered. “Besides, until you say it back, I’ll never really be satisfied.” Anon groaned as Pinkie got back into position. With a dark laugh, he looked right up to the ceiling and grabbed her hips.

“Looks like it’s going to be a long night, then.”

With a quiet close of the shop’s door, three humans enter what they know to be one of the best safehouses around: The Steady Irons. They all check their surroundings, then approach the shopkeeper. To their dismay, he puts a hoof up.

“Sorry, young ones,” he said, stopping them in their tracks with just the gesture. “The safehouse is… closed. You’ll have to look for another one.”

“There’s no time,” says the girl in the back. “They're prowling the streets even more ferociously than before. If we don’t wait them out now, we’re done for.”

“My apologies, but—”

“Listen, we’ll pay double, no, triple the usual rate,” said the man in front. He pulled out a sack of bits, ripe and laden with a golden shine. Still, the stallion’s hoof remained raised and he shook his head.

“Money is not the issue,” he answered. “Right now… for the foreseeable future, there will be complications with using this place as a safe haven—”

“Ah, they’re searching the stores on the block!” The third man spoke up, pushing past the other two and heading for the back door. “I’m sorry old man, but we need to get out of here, and fast!”

“He’s right,” said the woman, similarly heading for the door. “I’ll pay you back myself, but please. We have to stay here.” Without another word, the two were gone. The last man stayed, nodded his head, then followed suit.

Now in the backroom, the three moved the wardrobe that normally hid the hatch, then opened it up. Quickly, yet quietly, they descended into the safehouse, managing to hide it somewhat once they were completely underground. Afterward, they all took a deep sigh of relief.

“We’ll probably have to stay here for a few days,” said the first man, grasping the handle. “It should be okay, despite—”

“Oh, fuck yeah…!” The voice shot through the air as soon as the door was opened. The three were hit with a thick stench of sex, not to mention the sounds. Moaning, groaning, slapping, and squelching, all mixed together. “Mmph, I’m cumming!”

The three watched what appeared to be the chief of The Nut Patrol getting piped by public enemy number 1. With an explosive showing, he came inside of her, the extra seed quickly spilling onto the floor. In fact, despite looking all around them, they couldn’t spot a single thing that wasn’t covered in some manner of sexual body fluid. Their attention was grabbed once again when, with a mighty schlick sound, Anon pulled out and wiped his forehead. Only then did he turn to face the three.

“Hey guys,” he said, breathing heavily. “Erm… this is kinda awkward, huh?”

“People you know?” Pinkie Pie turned to the door to face them, then waved a hoof. “Hiya! Nice to meet ya. I’m Anon’s girlfriend, Pinkie!”

“You’re not my girlfriend,” he said sternly. In response, she giggled.

“You can’t take it back now, Nonnie,” she said. “You already said you liked me.”

“When?”

“What would have been inspection number 89,” she answered. “Anyways, you three are free to take a seat um… wherever you can find a spot!” She turned back to Anon, spreading her hind hooves apart, thick strings of cum branching from one thigh to the other. “Anon and I will start Inspection number 95!”

“In front of others?” Pinkie giggled.

“It kinda turns me on.”

“Everything turns you on.”

Their bickering continued, the three standing at the door too flabbergasted to even make a sound. Eventually, the second man broke the silence.

“There's... another safe house a ways away,” he said. “Let’s try our luck there.”

“B-But the patrols…” The first man’s attempt at reason was stopped by the woman. She shook her head, then reached for the door handle.

After closing the door, the three scaled the ladder and escaped the hatch. They left through the front, running into the old stallion at the front.

“They’ve been at it since Noon,” he said, not looking up. “I’m not sure when they’ll stop.” He pushed the bits he was paid forward, back to the man. “I’m not sure if they will. This very well could be the day this stronghold falls.”

“Damnit.” the first man shook his head. “Well, we wish you the best of luck with… that.” He looked up, his golden eyes clear through the parts in his hair.

“Thank you kindly, sirs and miss,” he responded. “I will need all the luck I can get.”

Author's Note

After-Sex Smoke