Lupin III: Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

Chapters

Lupin
He's a Nice Man
But he's cool
Y'know

Lupin

(Alright sorry for the short Prologue. If you’re at all familiar with Lupin III then you’ll know that it’s a highly visual and fast paced series, which can make it very difficult to write. Especially the opening chase scenes, which usually have no dialogue and are heavily reliant on music. Because I can’t hope to match that level of insanity in writing, I’m just going to let you imagine your own opening chase with https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiTH9Ho48cE playing.)

The day started so normal… actually scratch that, it started normal for Lupin III and his gang. A half hour beforehand and after a stop at a Gas Station for breakfast. Lupin III and his partners Daisuke Jigen and Goemon Ishikawa had just stolen Giordano Bruno’s diary from the Vatican archives using a combination of, brains, brawns, cunning, 5 smoke grenades, sleep inducing bubblegum, a holographic Marian Apparition, and a Spirit Halloween cardinal costume. The heist was going so well at first, but as to be expected, waiting for them in the Borgias apartments (Lupin wanted to use the bathtub) was Inspector Zenigata accompanied by the Swiss Guard. As per usual the chase was intense and somewhat humorous, with the Obilissco del Piazzo being knocked down as the main centerpiece. All and all, with the exception of Goemon settling for a chicken sub, it was a pretty normal day or at least it was until Lupin started fiddling with the book.

Out of nowhere a great shimmering rainbow portal appeared, Jigen who was driving at the time, as rule avoided space time tears, rainbow or otherwise. It is very likely he would have continued this streak if they weren’t blocked on the only exit. Jigen also had a rule not to get arrested at all costs, especially by people considering heretics. So swallowing his pride and his convictions, and ignoring Lupin’s desperate protests about how Roman jails were nice this time of year, Jigen raced through the portal.

For the most part entering a random wormhole would deter even the most well trained police officer, besides by their logic their quarry was as good as dead anyways, so why waste the effort? This line of thought however, was not good enough for Inspector Zenigata who due to a mix of determination, obsession and masochism jumped in right after them. Now the day was not so normal, as Lupin and Jigen were now falling at least 2 miles down in a fiat. Goemon being Goemon, had immediately jumped off the careening hunk of yellow metal leaving his friends alone, presumably confident in their survival. The two crooks who remained in the car were by no means as confident.

“THE BREAKS JIGEN THE BREAKS.” Shouted Lupin as he desperately attempted to buckle his seatbelt as the car continued it’s death roll towards the presumably hard ground.

Jigen shot back at his partner “ HOW THE HELL IS THAT GONNA HELP US?!” his life choices in instant regret as he furiously puffed his second cigarette. The used ones kept in the ashtray flew out the windows of the plummeting vehicle like a volcano of nicotine filled confetti.

“JUST DO IT.” Screamed Lupin who had given up trying to fasten the seatbelt and was then attempting to tie it into several kinds of knots, before he settled on sailor’s for convenience. His tie continued to smack his face over and over again. At this point green ground was already visible, and became more visible each second.

“FINE!” Jigen shouted, his free hand furiously gripping his hat as he slammed his foot unto the breaks. With the grace and finesse of an Elephant ballerina, a white parachute emblazoned with Lupin’s face shot out of the car. The two men breathed a sigh of relief as they gently floated towards the ground, grabbing each other’s shoulders for good measure. This moment of peace was cut short by the parachute catching on fire as the car once more began to accelerate towards the swampy ground.

The car landed in the marsh with a non lethal KAPLOOSH! That sent repent murky waters out in a miniature tidal wave, the uproar of water assured the two men were thoroughly soaked.
“Well,” Mused Jigen through heavy pants, “at least it’s,*huff* over.”. Before Lupin could respond the airbags activated right in Lupin’s face. All Jigen could hear was some muffled shouts that were presumably an insult. He ignored this and lit another cigarette, the one in his mouth put out by swamp water.

Cut to Black

Typed white font appears on the background.

HORSESHOES AND HAND GRENADES

Despite the popular saying, the two waterlogged thieves were by no means thick at the moment. In fact it was relatively clear that one of the things fueling their ability to push the waterlogged FIAT out of the muck was sheer hatred for each other. “URGH.” Lupin groaned before he took a break and put his back to the car, “What hell was that for?!”

“Listen.” Jigen rasped between grunts. “Being here beats.” He gave another grunt as he took an arduous step through the muddy water, ‘’Being burnt at the stake!”

Lupin groaned at Jigen’s ignorance “First of all, they wouldn’t have done that! And second of all how do you know that? We don’t even know if we’re still on the same freaking planet.”

“Oh yeah.” Replied Jigen, the Fiat’s tires groaning as it’s front wheels made purchase on solid ground. “Tell that to the guy who’s book we stole!”

Lupin stopped for a minute realized he was getting left behind and ran up to the car, pushing once more. “This isn’t the sixteenth century Jigen. Or at least it wasn’t then.” At the moment it was entirely possible that the diary had sent them to the outskirts of Rome under the reign of Pope Clement VIII, especially as it was neither’s first brush with time travel. “Anyways I bet you were just mad that you’d have to wear orange for a week!”

“YOU KNOW DAMN WELL I DON’T LOOK GOOD IN ORANGE.” Shouted Jigen with a surprising intensity that caused Lupin to flinch. “Besides, you’re the one who messed around with that damn book in the first place.” Lupin gave a huff and a pout, showing that he conceded to being at fault in his own childish way. It was true he did mess with the book, but it was just so tempting with its weird designs and language only he and around 20 other people could read, if anything it was the books fault for being so interesting. Besides most of human progress had been made by men and women sticking their noses where they didn’t belong.

With a few more heaves, several curses and a crapton of grunting the car was out of the swamp and free to land with a disconcerting groan. The sounds of the water that rushed from the doors cracks nearly drowning out all the noises of the forest. “Well.” Panted Lupin as he collapsed against the car, “That wasn’t so bad.” He too fell to the floor with a comical thump, which left Jigen alone to survey the area after sufficient wringing of his hat.

From what Jigen could gather from his admittedly limited knowledge of botany and ecology, the swamp they were in was surprisingly unextraordinary for a place accessed by portals. Mangrove like trees with dirty green hanging leaves dominated the landscape, their trunks going into the water like octopus tentacles in search of prey. The few patches of solid ground including the one he happened to be standing on had sparse coverings of sickly brown grass. This was comforting, grass meant they probably didn’t have to add dinosaurs to their list of concerns. Really the only thing that’d be noteworthy were some of the flowers, many of which were garish shades of pink, green and blue, though once again nothing unheard of in the tropics. Still, the air was too cold to be tropical. The temperature brought up childhood memories of New Jersey in the spring, when his dad would drop him off at his uncle’s for Hebrew school, when he had business to attend to.

Jigen’s mind continued to wander through memories of throaty consonants and heavily bearded old men wrapping him on the knuckles until a sound rang out. It sounded like a woman’s scream mixed with hoofsteps and several cracks. Instinctively he unholstered his gun and stood still as a stone, waiting to see if whatever was making the noise would coming towards them. He sucked in his breath, and continued to tightly grasp his Magnum. Despite his cool exterior, Jigen was afraid, to be fair other men in this situation might be terrified, but for Jigen being scared was bad enough. It wasn’t that he was worried he couldn’t hit it, he had a microsecond aim and could shoot rivets off billboards after all. No, the real worry was whether his rounds would work at all on whatever was out there. He knew they had some explosive rounds in the trunk but by the time it would take to open it, it may be too loud and more importantly, too late. Jigen silently cursed Goemon as he cautiously leaned down to rouse Lupin. “Pssst.. Buddy?”

Lupin looked up groggily “What is it Jigen, can’t you see I’m resting.” His voice was more tired than angry or even irritated, almost endearingly pathetic.

“Yeah.. well I’m afraid we got company so now might not be the best time.” Another cacophony echoed throughout the woods as if to back up his point, rousing Lupin from his pseudo slumber. The apelike man rose, walther clutched shakily before the two of them slid down behind the FIAT. “Any idea what it is?” Asked Jigen.

Lupin snorted, “Why should I know? We could be on another planet, we should be happy we can even breathe here!” He whispered back harshly. Then a feminine scream was heard, the words themselves were muffled and muted by the crashes and growl save for what sounded like ‘Trixie;. Hearing this feminine cry of distress Lupin bolted up, his gun now cocked.

Jigen grabbed his Jacket attempting to pull him down, “What the hell are you doing?” The anger in his voice mixing with fear so as to become even more potent.

“A girl’s in distress, we have to help her.” Lupin said with a surprisingly steely determination as he shook Jigen off and began to slowly creep towards the bushes that shielded them.

“What happened to ‘we’re on another planet?” Jigen shouted as he attempted to grab onto Lupin’s shoulder, his grip even firmer but to no avail.

“How does that change anything?” Asked Lupin who was still too focused on rescuing a potentially non existent damsel to rescue from definitely existent danger.

“Other planets don’t have girls!” Said Jigen just short of a scream before anxiously covering his mouth, the sounds stopped briefly before resuming.

“Well how would their populace reproduce then?” Lupin smirked, he had clearly beaten Jigen with is irrefutable logic.

“You know what I mean!” Growled Jigen as he rushed up besides his red jacketed partner clearly not wanting to be left alone. “Besides even if there are girls, how do you know it’s not just trying to lure in prey?”

Lupin turned around and playfully flicked Jigen’s hat, “Come on Jigen, where’s your sense of chivalry? Of adventure.”

“I don’t know, probably a few lightyears away in Italy maybe.” He deadpanned, realizing that no matter what he did he could not persuade his companion to stop his potentially suicidal choice. Lupin already in a romantic mania, potentially with horny undertones did not deign to give that quip a response and began to part the bushes. His eyes focused intently even before he split the leaf cover like the red sea. Jigen in contrast was trying his best to stifle the shaking that was currently attempting to overtake his body, something that sight that was revealed to them certainly didn’t help with. In front of them down a small hill was what appeared to be an old fashioned Romani wagon, being menaced by what could only be described as some kind of prehistoric reptile that was just being held back by purple light beams. His cigarette fell to the floor, it looked like he now had to worry about dinosaurs after all.

By the time Jigen’s mind had fully registered just what the hell was happening Lupin was already running down the hill at near superhuman speed, his walther waving furiously as he began to scream. Mostly shouts of ‘Hey’ and ‘over here!’, Lupin figured that when dealing with a non sapient adversary he probably didn’t need to think of creative insults to get its attention. With a snarl the beast turned it’s attention towards the screeching primate and let out a mighty roar before returning its focus to the wagon. A small part of Lupin’s ape brain was telling him this wasn’t worth it, but he held his ground regardless. “YEAH!” Lupin shouted, waving his gun in the air giving a shot either in an attempt to scare it or in an attempt to get its attention, even he wasn’t really sure.

The reptile let out a low growl at what must have been a tiny pop to its cavernous ears.. Now the creature’s focus was on him and it was coming much faster than something that size should. Lupin fired several shots into the leviathan, but against the thing’s scaly hide, all they managed to do was piss it off more. The creature now stared at Lupin eye to eye, it’s cold breath against his face smelt of reptile urine and carcasses. At this point all Lupin could do was let out a nervous chuckle as the beast loomed over him, giving him a few sniffs for good measure. Ironically enough the beast recoiled and swatted Lupin with its heavy armored tail and sent the unfortunate felon flying. Lupin’s last thoughts before hitting the ground was that he was vaguely insulted by the thing’s rejection of him.

In the meanwhile Jigen, who had currently been watching the affair in a state of shock and horror had had enough. Eating random aliens is one thing but no million year old brute, with the exception of Pops had the right to lay a claw on Lupin. At that moment the beast was ambling towards his fallen compatriot who was currently asking if he wasn’t good enough to be eaten. Jigen groaned internally as he began to aim, he’d have time to groan externally later as he began to sus out a target. His magnum was a fair deal stronger than Lupin’s walther but he doubted a few KEs would make much a difference to the thing. No, if he wanted to get the thing he needed to take out the soft bits.

Jigen slid down the slope internally cursing himself as he got close enough in range for his plan to work, cursing himself and Lupin under his breath the entire time. Then he took a deep breath, and screamed. “HEY BASTARD! HOW ABOUT SOME EYE SURGERY!” The beast turned with a snarl as Jigen steeled himself. For Jigen the world had begun to cool, time seemed to slow down as things such as taxonomy or electric bills lost their meaning. It was if everything besides advanced trigonometry had been put on hold in his mind, and his only fuel source was his desire to get the job done. His breaths felt heavy, but calm as his finger began to rest on the trigger as the beast seemed to waddle in an awkward slow motion dance towards him.

To the creature who unbeknownst to Jigen and Lupin and most likely itself was called a Tarassque, this is what happened. Two primates showed up and made loud annoying noises, the primates threw rocks it and it became angrier. Then there was more shouting, two of the same loud bangs and all of a sudden all it could see was red. Not in the sense that it was angry, if it was sapient it’d have known it was almost always angry, but literal red as it’s eyes became bloody nonfunctional messes. It roared in agony unused to physical pain as another piercing sensation hit its uvula filling its mouth with the taste of its own bitter black blood.

Jigen watched as the monster writhed and roared, knocking down several trees in the process as it continued on its blind mix of warpath and retreat. He smirked, partly out of relief that his gun still had some use, partly from relief, and partly because of the sheer absurd pointlessness of the situation. Some groaning from the floor alerted him to the reason he risked his ass in the first place. He reached his hand down and slowly but steadily began to drag Lupin up. “Hey man, you alright.”

“Yeah… I’m fine… just humming a little song called ouch.” Lupin eyed his partner woozily, a bit ashamed of what happened. Normally he’d do better in situations like this, after all he’d beaten gods before so what could one measly dragon be to him. As he continued to shakily ascend into the setting sun’s last few warm rays he decided to save his pride and chalk it up to being unprepared. After all, his arsenal of gadgets was made to confuse, distract, encumber and disorient mammals, not destroy massive reptiles. Lupin’s fantasizing was cut short by a fist to his shoulder. “HEY WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?” He screamed at Jigen’s scowling face.

“What for? You could’ve gotten yourself freaking killed!” Lupin tried to think of counterargument before settling on turning around with a huff and heading towards the wagon. Jigen was once again on his tail, “Hey where the hell do you think you’re going.”

“I’m going….to see if we can get a little reward for our services.” The expression on Jigen’s face showed that perhaps he should’ve chosen his words better. He didn’t mean that, and as of late rarely did with anyone besides Fujiko, but if it made Jigen uncomfortable he decided he might as well stick to it. As Lupin approached the wagon he began to make out a camp that fit the whole, Hollywood depiction of Romani shtick its owner had going. There was a shoddy firepit, various lamps and cooking utensils, a couple miscellaneous crates and several clotheslines that stretched from the wagon to the varying trees. He took special notice of the clothesline, if he could see what the inhabitants wore he might be able to tell how many arms, or more importantly breasts they had on average. Yet instead of four armed gowns, or three legged skirts, he found a variety of capes. No pants, no shirt, no shoes, no service just capes. What kind of person alien or not would spend all this time and effort to shield themselves from the elements only to waltz around with nothing but a cowl?

The sound of feminine panting and scampering drew Lupin to the side of the carriage as he gingerly placed a hand on it’s side. “It’s ok miss.” He said making sure to emphasize his tone, “We don’t mean you any harm, we just wanna know where we are.”

His only response was a very loud, very shrill and very intelligible “GET AWAY FROM TRIXIE.” as more sounds of movement could be heard.

“Just calm down alright, all my friend and I want is answers.” He heard more nervous movement. Now it was time for the serious maneuvers. “Alright just to show we don’t mean any harm I’m dropping my gun.” With a loud thump the Walther dropped on the floor, but this intended conciliatory gesture only caused the woman to screech.

Lupin shook his head, this woman whoever she was, was either traumatized or completely hopeless. She didn’t even seem that concerned for himself as she ranted and raved, just someone called Trixie who she seemed to hold in incredibly high esteem. She seemed like a grade a nutjob, but harmless and timid enough not to be that much of a problem.

Finally Lupin had made his way to where the noise was coming from, took one look in front of him, and tried to muffle his squeal. Standing only 50 feet from him was a tiny waist high blue unicorn with huge pleading purple eyes. It was adorned in what looked like a wizard hat and one of the many capes that seemed to sag on the clothesline. Admittedly, even for a guy like him who’d seen more than his fair share of weird stuff, it was hard to tell what it was with the exception of adorable. Seriously if they had these creatures on earth and he settled down, he’d get like three of them. Then a lightbulb went off, ‘Ooooh’ he thought to himself, ‘So this is Trixie. It’d make sense for some crazy… whatever lady who dresses up her pets to freak out by herself in the woods.’

“Trixie I assume?” He said looking at the horse with a bemused expression as it continued to shake and look around nervously. He leaned against the wall and continued to make eye contact, “I suppose you aren’t used to mommy leaving you alone much huh?” Before he could make a quip about freedom, something happened that shook him to his core.

The tiny unicorn huffed, pawed at the ground…. And spoke. “THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE IS TOTALLY SELF SUFFICIENT! SHE HAS NOT LIVED WITH HER PARENTS FOR MOONS!”

At that moment, if Lupin’s jaw could drop any further, it’d currently be on the ground. “Y-you can talk!” Why was this so surprising to him? Seriously, he once had to marry a super intelligent Dolphin against his will, so why was this talking horse messing with him so bad?

“Of course the Grrreat and Powerful Trixie can talk Ape! Her eloquence is unmatched!” Lupin could only gasp and stammer as his mind tried to wrap around what heck was going on. The first thing he realized as he stared into the angry miniature mythological creature’s purple eyes, was that the horn probably wasn’t just for show.

Then he remembered, unlike vampires and super dolphins, what he saw was biologically impossible. What was it? Was it a genetic experiment? A cyborg? A talented fursuiter? It couldn’t be a ghost or illusion because those didn’t have flesh and blood predators. Still how could this thing be intelligent enough to hold a conversation. It’s eye to head ratio alone seemed to preclude the development of any substantial frontal or prefrontal cortex. And how did she even manage to turn them? Plus judging by it, no her teeth, she was a trunkless herbivore who had achieved sapience which was less likely still. Besides even if it could reach that level of intelligence how could it possibly replicate human speech with it’s muzzle and short stocky neck? He could chalk it up to some kind of psychic phenomena but the amount of energy needed for a lifeform to run that ambiently seemed impossibly high.

Of course none of this came out and instead Lupin lamely said the following as Jigen arrived on the scene still hesitant and frustrated. “You’re not supposed to talk.”

The Unicorn, Trixie assuming he had interpreted her aggressive third person syntax right was now getting up in his face. It would be an adorable display if her anatomy didn’t break several laws of physics and biology. “What do you mean Trrrixie isn’t supposed to talk. Trixie talks to whomever and Whatever she wishes!” She made sure to point a hoof at Lupin at the last bit. Nice to know that the aberration against biophysics considered him a what.

His mind raced for words but his mouth as per usual when off the job didn’t listen, “You’re a horse.” He stated still dazed and confused. Clearly Trixie did not like this as her expression grew even more adorably angry, her horn starting to glow.

Before Trixie had a just a chance to try and fry Lupin both of them suddenly found Jigen between the two of them, clearly taking this situation much better than Lupin. “Hey uhh.. Lady we just saved your ass!”

“Your monkey insulted Trixie! And Trixie does not own a donkey!” The little horse said, snoot pressed into the air in a suitably imperious fashion.

Before Lupin could shoot back about how only he was the monkey, Jigen continued to speak. “Listen my partner’s a freaking idiot who can’t talk to ladies ok. So how about the three of us calm down, and all of us can figure out what the hell is going on.”

Trixie ran a hoof under her chin before angrily plopping to the ground in a frighteningly doglike manner. “Fine.” She said turning her heads away from the two cons with another dramatic swish, “But if you’re compatriot even insinuates that Trixie is a mare of the night one more time, she’s turning him into a Newt!”

He's a Nice Man

Goemon was free falling several hundred yards down onto what looked like a forest, to many this would be horrifying but for Goemon it was just tuesday. Especially when one considers the fact that one of his many unofficial ‘job requirements’ was to stand on top of moving planes in an attempt to cut down enemy aircraft so heights really didn’t bother him. Still he was smart enough to tightly grip his handheld parachute as he slowly fell to earth, watching his companions plummet with a mix of mild concern and disinterest. Goemon knew Lupin would be fine, he was always fine, in fact unlike Jigen he’d basically stopped morning every time the man ‘died’ just because he was certain he’d show up right as rain in a week. Besides, after the whole affair at the Vatican he’d felt he needed a bit of space from his more vocal compatriots.

He tightened his grip around his Zantetsuken, looking down to make sure what Lupin called his ‘raison d’etre’ was still on him. Taking the role of Damocles below him was a lush woodland, more reminiscent of the American Appalachias than those of Italy, a few flocks of brightly colored birds looking like garish flying carpets below him above a calm sea of green. As the green approached him he unsheathed his sword with an ominous hiss, breathed in…. And began to slash. With every movement of his arms more and more branches, leaves and all fell to the forest floor with various thuds and bangs. Each level becoming more and more illuminated by the sunlight that most likely never touched it as Goemon continued to descend further and further down. Finally, after what felt like hours the boggy ground was in sight, he released his parachute, the sound of his own feet hitting the dirt joined the cacophony of smashing and cracking branches from his violent descent. He stood for a bit both taking in his surroundings and admiring his work, around him was a near perfect circle of leaves and wood, that could best be described as some colossal reverse firepit. Goemon turned to his right as he noticed one of the branches was off, he sighed and sheathed his sword. It seemed that he had not only cut several worthless objects, but he didn’t even do that good of a job.

In the middle of wondering whether he should physically move the log into the circle for symmetry’s sake, a quiet squeak immediately caught his attention. To many people, a sound such as this would be inconsequential, but Goemon knew better than to ignore any stimulus he could focus on. After all, to know one’s surroundings was to know one’s battlefield, battlefield’s being something that many locations would turn into in his recent years much to his chagrin. He steadied himself, and breathed deeply avoiding any movement just in case he’d spook the creature or alert it to the fact that it knew he was being watched. Then like a sped up turntable he pivoted, hand held tightly to his sword’s sheath eyes steeled and glaring in a look of cold focus, or consternation if the thing on the receiving end of his icy gaze was Lupin or Fujiko.

When he turned around Goemon expected to see many things, an animal, a child, an adult, maybe even the creaking of a log, but what he saw before him was one of the few things that could make him not only break his stance but gasp. Looking up at him with an almost adorable terror was a little yellow horse with flowing pink hair, besides its massive eyes and unnatural colors the most amazing thing about it was its wings. Goemon quickly racked his knowledge of mythology to figure out what it was, the creature clearly paralyzed was giving him plenty of time as he ran through an entire catalog of unnatural ungulates and equine cryptids. Pegasus, this was a Pegasus, the creature sprung from the blood of Medusa that was supposedly mounted by the Greek heroes Perseus and Bellerephon. Judging by the size, behavior and its overall neotenous features he summarized it was a juvenile, most likely a lone juvenile.

Goemon instantly softened his posture as he began to lean down in an attempt to console the creature, complete with the occasional shushing sound. Admittedly like most people in rural Japan, he didn’t know much about horses, but he felt he was good enough with animals in general to make this work. An idea bolstered by the fact that the pegasus, though clearly nervous was no longer in a state of pants wetting terror in front of the samurai. Goemon began to crouch lower, a gentle smile gracing his face as he put his hand out so as to allow the tiny equine to smell his hand. Cautiously the creature took a hesitant sniff before instantly pulling back, using its wings to better hide its face from this new potential predator. Goemon breathed out deeply as he pulled his hand back before chuckling, “”. Normally he wouldn’t talk much in japanese to foreigners, but seeing as this was an animal he suspected that nothing but his tone mattered.

What Goemon didn’t suspect was what happened immediately after he attempted communications with the creature, specifically that it would respond. In fact not only did it respond but it responded in perfect American english no less! “I-I’m sorry m-mr… uhhh.. Whatever you are.. B-but I don’t understand what you’re saying.” Goemon immediately jumped back in utter fear, it wasn’t just the fact that an animal was now talking to him but the fact that now had to be aware of what he said around it. Especially as by its voice, it sounded like a woman, the conversation partner that made Goemon most nervous.
Quickly composing himself Goemon jumped back this time making trembling eye contact with the talking pony. Normally he’d close his eyes when talking to a member of the opposite gender but at the moment he wanted to have as many reminders as possible she was closer to Mr. Ed than to Fujiko. With a cough and a fair bit of thought Goemon mentally switched to English, glad it was the only western language he knew. “I’m a human.. Ma’am.” He managed to sputter, a noticeable pause before ma’am as he attempted to figure out exactly what to call a talking pony.

“Ooohh ok..” Said the pegasus awkwardly pawing the dirt as she too attempted to look away from him, clearly almost as uncomfortable as he was before another pregnant pause inserted itself into their stilted conversation. “Sorry to ask but w-what’s a human?” Once again there was no malice in her voice and this time an awkward smile graced her face in an attempt at conciliation that clearly wasn’t working.

Goemon awkwardly rubbed his chin as the pegasus continued to wait on a response growing less and less sure of herself by the second. Goemon briefly looked at his hand before an idea struck him, “I suppose you can call us a species of ape.”. He said eyes now turned away from the mare in a desperate attempt to save his dignity.

“Oooh.. I guess that must be sort of obvious… what with the thumb and all.” Goemon nodded, he wondered if she would be able to figure it out much easier if Lupin was around. Especially as he was practically a synonym for apelike in both his looks and behavior. Once again the Pegasus, now clearly emboldened by Goemon’s passivity piped up, “Sorry to intrude b-but are you lost?”

Normally Goemon would come up with some vaguely wise aphorism about how ‘one is never lost when they have their sword’ but truth be told he certainly didn’t feel that way at the moment. For Buddha’s sake he may be on an entirely different planet or perhaps inside the spirit world talking to some strange horse kami. “I suppose I am…. Lost.”. Once again he attempted to sound enigmatic on the last word but it just sort of fell flat.

“You poor dear! Would you like me to take you to ponyville? It’s a wonderful town even if its a bit… hectic sometimes.” Goemon hung his head, he didn’t like being fretted over it made him feel young and he disliked that. Its not that this pegasus was trying to patronize him, in fact he was almost certain she only had good intentions but it still didn’t sit right with him. Despite his serious demeanor he was the youngest member of the Lupin Gang, and it showed, hell in some countries he was the only one who got carded when he ordered a drink. In fact it wouldn’t exactly be an untruth if someone said the reason he acted so traditional and stoic was precisely because he looked so damn young.

“That would be nice.” He said sighing, his head held dejectedly, which apparently gave the Pegasus the impression that he was sad about being lost. Running up to him in the manner that one would approach a stray puppy or a lost child.

She went up against his legs, her big sad blue gaze best described as diabetes inducing and another obstacle to Goemon’s stoic image. “I’ll take you to Twilight she’ll know how to get you home and all better.”

Goemon looked up into the forest desperately searching for a distraction or threat he could focus on without this pastel pegasus reaching any more of his vulnerable side. “I don’t have a home.”. Unfortunately while he nailed the delivery he quickly realized that only made him sound more pitiable.

“Oh Celestia you poor thing! I can’t imagine having to live all on my lonesome.. Without even a place to lay down for the night! That sounds just horrible! Never knowing who to trust, constantly worrying about whether you’ll make it to tomorrow! Having to resort to all sorts of…” Goemon felt vaguely offended as she began to describe his life to and then consider it a living nightmare, before deciding to tune her out as she kept listing more and more accurate detail right down to the hanging off airships bit. The mare gasped mid lecture, “How rude of me! I never asked your name.”

Goemon nodded, “I am called Ishikawa Goemon.” The horse stared at him a bit clearly unused to the formal introduction said with little to no emotion. Typical, he thought to himself, “But you can just call me Goemon if you wish.” At this the mare’s face lightened up instantly.

“My name is Fluttershy, there now we finally know each other.. Well… formally that is.” The rest of the walk for the most part was uneventful, both parties happy to keep relatively quiet. Occasionally Fluttershy would break the silence by pointing out a bird or rodent and Goemon would nod and make a thoughtful hum. Judging by the way she talked about these creatures as if she knew them, and how many of these presumably wild animals came up to her of their own will it seemed that this Fluttershy had quite a way with animals. In fact several birds even sang for her on command, something that on earth he would consider impossible. Goemon pondered if this was a form of magic or codependent evolution, either way it was relatively clear that the forest revolved around her.

Eventually the dark cover of the forest became sparser and sparser as various bushes and meadows came into view. The sun was blindingly bright after the dark forest which forced Goemon to squint, but Fluttershy seemed to be just fine. After a good 20 minutes of watching Fluttershy use her wings for just about everything but flying, and pondering if it would be impolite to bring about what may be a disability to his host before finally giving in. “You have wings yet you always walk. Can you not fly?”

Fluttershy made a disappointed ohh before stooping her head, eyes now much more nervous than before. “Ummm.. I can fly… I’m just not very… good.” Her body language cleary showed she was incredibly ashamed of this fact.
“But you can fly.. Correct?” He asked making sure to make his voice sound as neutral as possible so as not to make the situation any worse than it already was.

“Mhmm”

“May I see you.. fly that is?” Asked Goemon, genuine curiosity at what constituted bad flying or how a horse would develop wings overcoming his admittedly large trepidation.

“You really wouldn’t want to… almost every other pegasus is better.” Fluttershy looked really antsy with this. Goemon was too focused on the revelation that there were not only other pegasus, but enough for her to use that kind of grammar to refer to them for it to be on the forefront. Still even he in his infinite social awkwardness could tell the poor… girl? Could use as pick me up.

“That may be true.” He said placing his hand on her withers eliciting a small eep and a nervous blush, “But seeing as you are the first Pegasus I’ve seen I wouldn’t be able to tell.”

Fluttershy gulped before smiling that same fragile smile as before, “I-I suppose that’s true. Well here goes nothing.” With several large flaps Fluttershy began to lift off the ground, hooves dangling free. Despite the lack of strong currents Fluttershy continued to flit about like a bird making slow gentle arcs around the stunned samurai. Then as quickly as she had left the earth she had returned. “Sorry… I’m sure that was-”

“Incredible” Responded Goemon absolutely stunned, true he’d seen quite a few bizarre things in his time and his fair share of ‘mythical creatures’ but this was something else. To Fluttershy something as impossible as flying as a large vertebrate with solid bones was apparently normal as a light jog. “Does it exhaust you?”

“No… well only when I try flying really fast but I almost never do that.” Goemon nodded still a bit stunned at just how easy this came to her. In his childhood he had watched cranes taking off and compared to her they seemed to be struggling, perhaps the flying was not due to her wing muscles but some form of magic similar to dragon fire. If he was a bolder man he might’ve reached out and touched the wings but seeing as he wasn’t simply watching them was enough.

Before either party could get in another word a bouncing pink ball of fur or judging by the smell, cotton candy was now right between them. “A HUMAN ? OHMIGOSH OHMIGOSH OHMIGOSH!”. At the appearance of the intruder Fluttershy was merely embarrassed but Goemon, well poor Goemon was slightly mortified. You see there’s this joke on the internet that if various pieces of 21st century media were shown to a victorian child, the victorian child would die instantly. Well in this case Pinkie Pie was very much the 21st century media and Goemon was absolutely the victorian child. The fuzzy pink menace quickly turned to Fluttershy eyes so bright Goemon could swear that they were sparkling, “FLUTTERSHY I DIDN’T KNOW YOU COULD MAKE FRIENDS WITH EXTINCT ANIMALS! Can I see a Dodo, or how about a Ophiotaur!?”

“Pinkie!” Fluttershy chastised booping her firmly on the nose, “Can’t you see your scaring him?”. With the same hoof that once was placed on Pinkie’s nose gestured to the stunned Samurai who was looking back at the pink mare with horror and confusion.

“Oh sorry.” Said Pinkie quieting down a bit, “I should've realized modern times can be scary for a human, there aren’t even any mammoths for him to hunt!” Pinkie bounded over to Goemon who was still just a wee bit paralyzed from the shock. She extended a hoof which he awkwardly took before shaking it with incredible strength. “Hi my name’s Pinkie Pie! And I’m-” Goemon got none of the rest of what she said but he assumed it was most likely positive. Like Fluttershy she mentioned taking him to someone named Twilight Sparkle several times.

But he's cool

Shining Armor pawed the checkerboard floors of Canterlot Palace in a mix of fear and irritation as he looked on the spectacle before him, a few of his stallions noticing his tension wearily leaned their heads just in case their commander was once again ready to rear into action despite his still diminished strength. Around a hundred feet from his face, and talk yelling to the princess herself was a very large human who had been doing that for around an hour already. Though he wasn’t a paleontologist or a mythographer, Shining judged by his voice as well as the way this human had barged in and immediately acted like he had some kind of authority to talk to Princess Celestia of all ponies without even requesting an audience, Shining Armor had to guess this human was male. The human, or ‘inspector Zen and gata’ as he called himself was still wildly gesticulating in front of the princess either completely oblivious to the slack jawed confusion, indignation and horror of the various ponies that surrounded the man. Not that any of them attempted to do anything, word on the street was that he had shrugged off several attempts by the ROYAL GUARD to block his entrance and hadn’t used enough force for Shining Armor to get personally involved save as a safety precaution in case the human somehow got even rowdier. Still even though he was forced to not do anything, Shining was clearly disgusted by the lack of respect this literal alien with no jurisdiction was showing the sun raiser herself to demand that he take control of all of Equestria’s armed forces, in the name of hunting down a petty crook! Shining almost hoped he got a little too aggressive with the princess or the guards, just so he could give him a bit of a lesson in humility.

Celestia, being the bastion of patience and decorum that she was handled the situation with the grace, civility and nobility that was expected from any pony who could deal with his sister when she got into one of her ‘moods’. Her face was a perfect serene mask that though not a smile so as not to offend the admittedly ridiculous human still carried no signs of anger, fear or anything else that would alert the already frazzled mares and stallions present. After the human had finally shut his mouth, Celestia sighed and put a hoof to her snout as intending to showcase that the wise leader of ponykind was clearly mulling what this intruder had said thoroughly. “Inspector.”

“Yes your highness.” He barked, like a child absolutely ready to say the answer to a question that they most likely didn’t know.

“If this… Lupin… is as you say merely a thief, especially a relatively conspicuous one due to his species, wouldn’t it better to simply leave him to the local authorities.” Shining saw the human tense, that line clearly struck a nerve as even more frantic energy seemed to fill his body. The human, most likely in an attempt to stop himself from literally exploding grabbed onto his tie and tugged it tightly.

“Your highness! Lupin isn’t ‘merely a thief’, he’s my world’s premier criminal mastermind, one that’s continually avoided and escaped arrest over two thousand times!” Shining Armor snorted, he wondered if the human didn’t know that by hyping this ‘Lupin’ up he only served to make himself look foolish.

“Inspector… this still doesn’t explain why we should allocate almost all of her military and police resources to catching someone whose most dangerous goal is to steal some common gems.”

“Common gems? COMMON GEMS!” The human had moved from talk screaming to scream screaming, several guard immediately raised their spears but once again Celestia silently ordered them to put them down. “Not only does Lupin only go after the world’s rarest objects but he’ll do absolutely anything to get them! This is a man who created a new fault line because he wanted some pajamas! A man who built a pyramid and took control of a whole country’s antiquities department because he didn’t like some insurance scammers! A MAN WHO ALMOST CAUSED A COMPLETE SOCIETAL COLLAPSE BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE STALKING HIM ON SOCIAL MEDIA!” The human paused, arms falling to his side as just a slight hint of embarrassment came over his face from the last outburst. He ran his rather large hand over his face and let out a heavy breath. “Listen your highness, I’m sorry for the outburst but not going on red alert the minute he steps into your nation is the absolute worst thing you can do! In fact if you don’t do anything he’ll probably be walking away with Equestria’s treasury by the end of next week.”

Celestia, though not mad began to look uncomfortable either due to the potential danger of this Lupin character or due to the potential mental instability of the human who had decided to ‘grace her with his presence’. She rubbed the underside of her jaw a little more vigorously this time doing it for real instead of merely to show that she was taking this seriously. “Alright Inspector, if what you’re saying is true then this Lupin may very well be a major threat to Equestrian security.” The human’s eyes lit up as he practically jumped for joy before Celestia’s next words caused him to sag like a pierced balloon, “But even so as a member of an outside agency with no formal ties to the Equestrian government I am afraid I cannot let you lead the forces intended to take him on.”

“You can’t do this, the ICPO protocol states that…”

“Protocol or not, from what you’ve told me I’ve gathered that your ICPO doesn’t exist on this planet.”
Shining smirked a bit at this verbal takedown as the once proud human seemed to deflate just a little bit more with every word.

“But I’m the only one here whose familiar with his tactics!”

Celestia gave one of her trademark gentle smiles, the kind she used to give Twilight as a filly when she was upset that she didn’t have something important to do. “Which is why if a task force is created then you will be put on as chief consultant. And in the meantime I give you full freedom to explore Equestria.”

“You mean when a task force is created?” He asked a little bit of venom in his voice.

“If, even though he may be a potential threat, Equestria does not believe in pre emptive action for crimes not committed. And seeing as Lupin has not committed any crimes in Equestria nor is there any record of his crimes save for your admittedly quite impressive testimony, we cannot prosecute him.”

“You’re serious?” He asked with a far bit of incredulity.

“Gravely” Responded the Solar Diarch.

The human hung his head low before once again meeting Celestia in the eye with little to no hesitation, “Very well your highness. I realize I have no place to stop you from following your own laws” He said before compulsively straightening his tie, “But I’m warning you that you’re making an awful mistake.” After that he merely gave a salute and began to briskly walk away not even deigning to acknowledge the rest of the court. Celestia’s eyes grew just a bit wider at this strange creature’s exit which was almost as strange as his entrance.

A vein popped in Shining’s head, this was too much! Bursting in like you owned the place was one thing but not even waiting for her to dismiss you was another thing entirely. In a burst of speed the white Unicorn had cornered the bedraggled detective horn glowing though admittedly with very little inclination to fire. “And just where do you think you’re going?” Shouted Shining.

“To find Lupin.” He sad matter o-factly quite literally walking around Shining Armor, his eyes still intently focused on the door.

“Did you not hear what the Princess said? You have no authority to arrest him!” Screamed Shining who was now furiously trotting alongside the inspector.

“I know. I never said I was going to arrest him.”

Shining stopped, in one of the very few times in his incredibly eventful life he had been stumped. Seriously? What was wrong with this human?! “So why in Tartarus are you going after him.”

“If he knows I’m here.. he’ll know that if he gets too cocky..” Zenigata pulled out a pair of handcuffs as several more fell to the floor, “There’ll be repercussions.” With that the inspector walked out, paying no heed to the crowd of ponies who had come to gawk at him. Jacket swaying in the breeze as he vanished into the crowd of reporters eager to pester him about just who and what he was. All Shining could do was join in their baffled silence as this four in a world oddity walked off into the sunset.

Y'know

Trixie watched the two Hyoo-manes with annoyed disinterest as they continued to yammer about the implications of things that most foals took for granted. Seriously the fact that she of all ponies had to explain Equestria’s government to them was already a major red flag for ther intelligence. At first being helped, not saved Trixie could save herself, by too members of a species she’d never heard of before was admittedly rather interesting but after about an hour of getting to know them the novelty had absolutely worn off. Certainly the fact that they had helped themselves to her supplies hadn’t exactly helped the matter especially with how hard food, let alone good alcohol was to come across.

“Moving the sun! I’m telling you this Celestia is some kind of authoritarian cult leader!” Yelled the sideburned biped named Lupin with screechy conviction as his bearded companion, Jigen simply harrumphed and lowered his hat even further over his eyes.

“Listen after the crap we’ve seen today I’m pretty willing to bet she actually does raise the sun.” Said Jigen puffing on his strange extraordinarily thin pipe whose presence caused Trixie to cough in close proximity. Normally Trixie was used to the smoke being no stranger to dens of sin and vice, but whatever he was smoking was at least twice as pungent as the most pungent Abyssinian Tobacco.

“Please are you telling me a Kardashev two civilization wouldn’t have invented automated transport!” He said gesturing towards Trixie’s wagon in a manner that made her feel slightly offended.

“They’re freaking magic Horses Lupin of course they wouldn’t have invented cars! Besides everyone here has magic so maybe they just summoned a Caplan Thruster! Or hell move it with magic.”

“Hey you know as well as I do that a Caplan Thruster would just move the solar system! The world would still rotate around the sun normally!”

“Well maybe the planets in tidal lock or some crap, and either way it isn’t our problem.” Said Jigen leaning as he scanned for more of the trail mix that he and his compatriot had been, ‘helping themselves to’ much to Trixie’s chagrin as Lupin downed another whole packet into his mouth.

“Trust me it’ll be our problem soon.” He said between intermittent crunching.

“It wouldn’t be if you didn’t send us here in the first place!” Said Jigen

“Like it wouldn’t have happened anyways!” Replied Lupin.

“The reason this crap always freaking happens is because of you!”

“And it’s because of me that it always work out in the end!”

That’s it, taking her hospitality was one thing but Trixie refused to be subjected to their petty infighting especially if it wasn’t over which one was more deserving to be in her presence. “Are you two done throwing Tantrums or will Trixie have to seal your mouths shut?” She yelled horn glowing, which causing them to freeze. Of course she absolutely lacked the power to do so but at the moment her two guests didn’t know that. Trixie trotted between the two of them and lifted up several bags of food with her telekinesis. “Besides you vagrants owe Trixie for letting you share her fire, especially after taking a full weeks worth of her supplies.”

“Sorry.. you’re right.” Said Lupin ruffling his coat before giving Jigen one last glare. “I guess the two of us haven’t exactly been model house-er trailer guests.” He said bowing his head slightly awkwardly still with that catlike smile. “Unfortunately.” He said pulling out his pocekts, “Besides some foreign currency and cigarettes we don’t really have much on us.”

“Great.” Groaned Trixie, the only people who’d try and group up with her were even worse off than her. Truly her famous selflessness was really paying off.

“But.” Said Lupin before Trixie could make another snap at the two, “If you give us a few days we can more than make it up to you.” He said eyes now half cocked suggestively.

“If you’re implying what Trixie thinks your implying, it won’t be your mouth that’ll get sealed shut..” She growled causing Lupin to wince.

“What.. oh wait God no.” He said shocked and just a bit horrified. “What I mean is that me and my associate have a very particular set of skills that can be quite useful when it comes to.. compensation.” His eyebrows almost seemed to ride a rollercoaster on that last word as the realization dawned on Trixie.

“You two are thieves.” She whispered to herself. Not just burglars, or hoodlums but honest to harmony professional thieves. At her disposal no less! Now Trixie wasn’t exactly the kind of Mare who’d steal from others herself but she was by no means too moral to pass down this kind of opportunity.

“Oh not just any thieves.” Said Lupin with obvious pride. “I’d say we’re probably the world’s best. Wouldn’t you agree Jigen?”

“Mhmm.” Hummed Jigen lighting another one of his strange disposable pipes.

“But wait.” Said Trixie as a newfound skepticism begun to flood her mind. “If you poni-hyoomanes are such great thieves how come you freak out at basic magic? Let alone not know who Celestia is.”

“You’re right.” Said Lupin giving himself a playful slap. “I should’ve said we’re OUR world’s best thieves. As you can probably tell we aren’t exactly from around here. But the point still stands, anything you want, we can absolutely get.”

“Anything?” She asked quizzically.

“Yep anything you want, bank vaults, jewlery, classified documents. Hell give us a week and I’d imagine we could steal the crown right off of Princess Celenia-“

“Celestia” She corrected.

“Right, right off of Princess Celestia’s head!”

On one hand that was quite a claim and the ‘our world’s best thieves’ was a pretty easy excuse to make and even if it was true, it was entirely possible that the security where they come from was laughable compared to what you’d find in a one clerk bank in Appleloosa. Still the sheer amount of confidence the being exhuded combined with the reflexes they showed when fighting off the Tarrasque did a fair amount of work in bolstering Trixie’s confidence in these two odd creatures. Trixie rubbed the underside of her muzzle before a sinister smirk came across her face.

“Well there is one thing…”

"And that is?" Asked Lupin with a fair bit of curiosity.

"How are you at stealing ancient cursed artifacts?"