Soft Step wasn’t flying, but her wings ached badly anyway. It wasn’t unusual– in fact, it was a near daily occurrence that they did. Today, though, the feeling was particularly strong, enough to bring tears to her eyes just to look at.
She ate lunch alone in a classroom in the Castle of Friendship, all of the other students spending time with each other. It wasn’t that she was left out. In fact, it was quite the opposite. More than once, she was asked by her classmates to spend time with them. But she always declined, making up excuses from feeling sick to needing to get work for other subjects done. It was never the truth though. There was only ever one reason she wanted to keep herself hidden from everypony else.
“Whirlwind?” Fluttershy suddenly asked, entering the classroom Soft Step was in. “What are you still doing in here?” she asked. “Don’t you want to spend time with the other stallions? I was just down in the lunchroom and heard them asking about you.”
“S-sorry, Miss Fluttershy,” she apologized, her voice sounding to her like metal being scraped against a chalkboard. It was so deep and nasally and masculine, a constant reminder of what she wasn’t when she heard it. There was so much wrong with her, more than she thought she could bear.
“I- I’ll go now,” Soft Step said, quickly getting up to leave and find somewhere else to sulk during her lunch period. Before she could make it out of the room though, Fluttershy stopped her, a gentle wing resting on her shoulder.
“Whirlwind,” Fluttershy spoke softly, her caring, concerned eyes glancing down into Step’s. “Is everything alright? You haven’t gone to lunch with your friends in weeks.”
“I’m fine,” she lied. “I’m just– I’m just feeling sick,” she said. “I think I’ve had allergies recently. I’m okay.”
“Are you sure, Whirl?” the pegasus asked. She practically flinched hearing that name, but didn’t do anything to correct her. She felt too much shame about the way she felt. It was silly. It didn't make any sense to feel almost physical pain because of who she was, and yet, the pain came anyway.
“You can always talk to me,” the mare assured her. “Or Sunburst if you need another stallion to talk to. You’ve seemed so distant this year. What’s going on?”
What was wrong was everything. What was wrong was watching her body slowly morph into something she didn’t want it to be. Watching her jaw change from the roundness she had during foalhood into something more square and rigid, like what she saw of her father. Seeing her wings grow to extend three times the length of her body. Her voice dropping and deepening, the first signs of facial hair showing up on her chin– it was everything. It was a seemingly unstoppable force guiding her body along, changing her further every day.
There were options, of course. She’d heard about other ponies like her, who felt the way she did and changed themselves. Transitioning, it was called. There was even an Earth Pony like her in Cloudsdale who’d done exactly that. He apparently started off as a pegasus filly, but by the time he reached adulthood, was a full grown stallion of an earth pony. It was something she wanted to do– she needed to do– except not as a stallion. Other than that, she largely wanted to follow in his hoofsteps.
But she was afraid, almost deathly so. The stallion she knew was old, older than even her parents were. He talked a lot about how things were when he was growing up. How he was bullied and couldn’t get a job for the longest time and how his parents disowned him. Those things made her leery of ever saying anything, even despite how much as she was hurting. Even more were the things she was reading in the paper. About how ponies in Canterlot’s nobility wanted to create laws against such a change, laws that said things like no matter what she did, she would always be a pegasus and a stallion. Just seeing that made her want to cry. She was barely strong enough to face how she felt. She would never be strong enough to face all of that.
“Nothing,” she lied, whispering so she didn’t have to hear herself speak too much. “I’m fine. I promise.”
“Are you sure?” Fluttershy pressed. “You just seem so sad. You’re a lovely young pega– uh, pony, and deserve to smile.”
Soft Step’s heart jumped at the mare’s little stutter. There was no way she could know who she was. She showed no signs and never told anypony. So why did she stop mid sentence? Soft was grateful for it, but it made her intensely afraid. Did she pick up on her flinch?
“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me,” she said. “I think I know how you feel though, if it means anything.”
She knew how she felt? That seemed impossible. Fluttershy looked so happy and smiled all the time. There were pictures of her as a little pegasus filly in Cloudsdale. How could she know? Or maybe she just meant that she knew about her. Either way though, it didn’t make any sense.
She looked up at Fluttershy anyway, listening intently, wondering what she would say. As much as she hoped she didn’t know, if she did, Fluttershy was the Element of Kindness. There was no way she would be mean to her.
“When I was a filly,” she started, “I had some… trouble, we’ll call it, dealing with being a pegasus. I wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable with having wings or chest feathers, but I felt bad doing things typically associated with pegasi. Things like flying or being in the air or racing and controlling weather just… made me feel terrible. Even now, I still can’t take doing those things very much. I’m much more comfortable on the ground helping my animals or tending my garden or walking instead of flying.”
“But you still have wings,” Soft Step commented. “Why would you keep your wings if you hate them?” Then she blushed, quietly adding, “And um… it’s also- also being a st-st-stallion…”
Even if Fluttershy might have known how she felt, she still felt shameful saying it out loud. She felt like it wasn’t something she should be telling other ponies, even as much as she wanted to say something. She felt like she should be keeping her feelings bottled up.
“I just feel terrible,” she whispered looking at her hooves. “I… I don’t know how I can live like this.”
“Hmmm. Well, I don’t know if I can say anything about wanting to be a filly. I can certainly say being a mare is nice, and I don't think I'd ever want to be a stallion, but beyond that, I don't know. I can only speak about what happened to me.”
So then she did know. She knew how Step felt and how she was suffering and the feeling she had. It made her wings extend automatically as she felt embarrassed, something that made her take a deep, uncomfortable breath. She hated how much they seemed to move on their own sometimes and wished they would just fall off.
“I don’t know if I have species dysphoria or not, but I do know I’m much happier with myself living life like an Earth Pony. Just being able to be myself has helped me open up more than I used to. I don’t know if I’d have surgery on my wings. They don’t make me feel too bad. But it might be that being myself has helped me feel that way.”
She didn’t know if she’d ever be able to be herself enough to not want her wings and pointed jaw and other unmentionable things gone. It just felt too awful. More than that, she didn’t know if she could ever tell her parents or friends or anypony. She never did… until now. But did this really count? Fluttershy talked like she already knew.
“Did you ever tell your friends?” Soft Step asked carefully, looking into her eyes for a second before putting her gaze back to her hooves.
“Some of them. Rainbow Dash knows how I feel the most. She and I talked for a long time the day I told her. She was as nice as can be, and told me she’d be there for me no matter what. I don’t know if she or I would call me transspecies though, but either way, I know she always has my back, just like I have hers.”
“I… eep,” she squeaked, wracked with anxiety with what she was about to say. “I… I– I know I am.” She took a breath before nervously finishing, “I kn-know I’m… t-t-t-transgender… and transspecies.”
“And that’s okay,” Fluttershy assured her, using a comforting wing to pull Soft Step in. “It’s okay to feel the way you do.”
“I don’t know how it can be,” she said back quietly, a tear dripping down her cheek. “This feels terrible. I don’t want to change like this. I want it to stop, but I… I don’t think it will.” She sniffled, letting another tear drip down before finishing, “It just hurts so bad.”
“I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt,” the yellow mare explained, “but it’s okay to feel the way you do. It’s okay to want to be yourself.”
“But what’s everypony else gonna say?” she asked. “I– I don’t… I don’t want them to hate me…”
“I’m sure your friends will be kind to you if you tell them,” Fluttershy assured her. “They were just talking about how much they missed having you at lunch with them. I’m sure they’ll be nothing but kind to you.”
“I… I’ve heard though, um… a- a lot of stuff about how what ponies in Canterlot are trying to do. I read in the newspaper that- that, um… p-ponies are trying to p-p-pass laws about not being able to change…”
“I know what you’re talking about,” Fluttershy said. “I read that, too. But I promise that Princess Celestia would never let a law that hurts anypony pass. Headmare Twilight would be on her in a second if she did, and I would be on Twilight if she wasn’t. You don’t have anything to worry about.”
“But what about what other ponies say?” she asked nervously. “I heard from an Earth Pony in Cloudsdale that a lot of ponies are mean. He- he says things like how his parents hated him and his friends abandoned him, and I don’t want that to happen to me.”
“Ponies today are a lot nicer than they were back when he was growing up. A lot’s changed in the last few years, especially with Twilight around. Equestria has changed a lot, and I’m sure the ponies in your life will be nothing but kind.”
It sounded so nice to hear, but she wasn’t sure if it was true. It was just so nerve wracking. She couldn’t imagine having to say something bigger than this to anypony. Confessing how she felt to somepony would be the biggest conversation of her life.
“I… I don’t– I don’t know… I’m not ready for that. I can’t do it.”
“That’s okay. Don’t let me push you into something you’re not ready for. You take all the time you need. But can I ask if you want me to call you something else? It doesn’t seem like you like your name very much.”
“Umm… umm… you… um…” She was blushing profusely as she got out, “It’s… S-s-soft Step…”
“That’s a very lovely name, Soft Step, especially for a soft, nice mare like you.” She was thoroughly embarrassed by the words directed her way, but smiled widely anyway as she looked at her hooves. That felt so much nicer to hear from somepony else than it did to tell only herself, much more nice than she thought it would.
“Thank you,” she whispered happily. “But, um, p-please don’t, um, tell anypony else about this?”
“Not a soul. I won’t tell anypony until you’re ready. But whenever you are, I’m sure your friends will be there for you and support you.”
“You think so?”
“I know so. They’re your friends, so I know they will. Now why don’t you go out to the cafeteria and spend time with them, Soft Step?”
Another wave of niceness made its way over her as she agreed and headed down to the cafeteria to sit down. Her friends were clearly happy to see her, even if she was mostly quiet in front of them. She debated whether or not she should tell them what she told Fluttershy as she flinched hearing her name, but ultimately decided not to. Not yet. She was much too nervous.
But maybe someday soon she would? Hopefully. They were her friends, after all. She hoped one day she could let them see who she was. If that day came, when that day came, it was going to be amazing.
