Black Tulip

Roman was in the void. An empty pitch black place. With no one around, only the sound of white noise and the feeling of weightlessness. His whole body felt like it didn't exist. The only thing denying that was the neverending feeling of apathy and cold numbness. It was horrifying.

He thought that if he could just, survive then he could go home. He could see his family; until whatever was left of his family died. His grandfather from a stroke, his uncle in a helicopter crash, his sister in a psychiatric hospital, and his father fought against Iran. And his mother... We don't talk about her.

He could only feel two things. Cold numbness and this ever-tightening knot in his gut. This cold crushing weight on his chest made what used to be his eyes burn. He can't escape, he doesn't even have eyes! Much less limbs to move!

It was a brutal bliss beyond a crushing defeat. He was finally at peace, but he could still think and feel.

I think... therefore, I am... Meaning that I am. I exist. So I must be alive! I must be able to escape! Right?

He tried to move but nothing happened. He tried again, but it was the same result. He tried to thrust himself forward, he tried to yell, kick, scream, shout, cry, and beg. But nothing. Nothing at all. He could almost hear the sound of his heart, shattering into a million pieces. His paper soul was crushed under the weight of a blackened freight train. He was dead, he was in hell. He would be stuck here... Forever.

Oh no! Oh no! Oh please God!

He choked down his sorrow. He continued to deny the reality of his eternal damnation. He struggled frivolously to move his form, even if he'd only be able to move a billionth of a nanoangstrom of his body. He'd be happy. But he couldn't even do that. He couldn't even move his body a single Planck unit in either direction. He no longer exists.

I... N-no longer... No. No, no-no-no. I think, therefore, I AM! I am! I exist! This means that I-i am NOT dead! I have to be alive, I cannot be dead."

It was becoming more and more evident that he was not going to be able to move or do anything. Except for think. He could only think, no more, no less. Only thought was left. The only thing that he had to prove that he was alive, was mere thoughts.

No photos, no home movies, no families, hardly any memories, no friends, no luxuries. Only the cold black vacuum of the void, and ominous white noise. And his shattered soul.

No... No... No. Oh nooo! Oh please God! Oh please God help me!

Twelve billion and nine-hundred million and three hundred thousand and one hundred and eighty-seven. Twelve billion and nine-hundred million and three hundred thousand and one hundred and eighty-eight. Twelve billion and nine-hundred million and three hundred thousand and one hundred and eighty-nine. Twelve billion and nine-hundred million and three hundred thousand and one hundred and ninety.

Twelve billion and nine-hundred million and three hundred thousand and one hundred and ninety seconds. Four hundred and eight years. That's how long I've been in this eternal hell. I can feel my sanity dwindling by the second. Every second I count, the less sane I become, the more I begin to lose grip of reality. It may be a harsh reality, but it's certainly better than the depths of insanity.

Twelve billion and nine-hundred million and nine hundred thousand and nine hundred and twenty-two seconds.

I've held onto a slim hope, a crack in the door that lets a bit of light in. I must not lose my mind. I must survive. Please, God help me. Oh please God.

I-I'm sorry for what I-I've done! Please let me go! Let me rest! PLEASE!

If I could cry, I would cry until my eyes go dry. If I could speak, I would scream until my lungs run out of air. Until mirrors and windows break into pieces. But I...

I...

I-I... I'm still, I-I'm still. I-I'm s-still alive. I have to be. I cannot be dead! It can't be! It can't be!! NO!!

Eighty-five billion and two hundred million and five hundred thousand and seven hundred and twenty-five. Eighty-five billion and two hundred million and five hundred thousand and seven hundred and twenty-six. Eighty-five billion and two hundred million and five hundred thousand and seven hundred and twenty-seven.

Hell is the impossibility of reason. There should be no reason that I have been... somewhere. For nearly two thousand years. The year would probably be 2525... No, wait, no no no... 3500! Yes, that's the-... wait, no

God-motherfucking-damnit! I lost count! I LOST FUCKING COUNT!! YOU SON OF A BITCH FUCKING FATHERFUCKING COCKFUCK!

For the past two millennia... I have counted. I have counted... I have counted. And I have forgotten. My anger... My wrath...

My wrath!

MY WRATH!!. CAN NOT BE DESCRIBED WITH MERE MORTAL WORDS!!

How many seconds have passed?... A trillion? A quintillion? A nonillion? Maybe a novemnonagintillion?

One... Two... Three... Five, damnit where was I? One... Two...

Floating in the neverending vacuum of the void, cold. So very cold. There is no one here but me. I'm... starting to mentally decay. I-I can't remember much, my brain won't cooperate. It probably can't, to be honest.
I'm losing myself to the cold vacuum of this damned space.

Hmm... Welcome, to the soldier side... There is no one here but me...

People... All grow up to die, there is no one here but me...

Nothing but the sound of silence to provide a distraction. Really, the only way I can distract from my situation is through sorrow and... arousal . The urge to have sex and the feeling of blissful agony is the only thing keeping me from losing the last bits of my sanity. Without them...

We fought your wars with all our hearts... You sent us back in body parts... We take our wills with the troops you stole... We pray for your long-lost souls...

Singing. That also keeps me sane.

nine hundred and ninety-nine billion, nine hundred and ninety-nine million and nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand and nine hundred and ninety-nine. One trillion.

One trillion seconds in this hell. Tens of thousands of years probably. All alone, with no hope. I cannot die, I cannot move, I cannot see, I can barely hear, and I can hardly think. But I can certainly feel. I can only feel pain, sorrow, wrath, anger, sexual pleasure, and fear.

Fear...

You should be afraid... Little man.

The cold, harsh, quiet voice spoke. A voice so venomous and acrid that had I been alive, I would have vomited at the sheer sound of it breathing. Nevertheless, speaking. So much pure, unadulterated in the slightest, hatred. hate... Hate!

I did not care for what it had to say. I no longer exist. If I had arms I could kill myself, If I had legs I could run away, if I had a voice... I could reason and speak and be a person. I could yell for help... But nobody will help me. Nobody cares and never will.

They would rather sip lattes and spout communist propaganda while the world suffers.

Kill me... someone... Kill me... Kill me... Kill me... Kill me... Someone... Anyone... Kill me...

No one's going to save you

You'll suffer alone, in this cold, cold void for all eternity. With us.

Join us, Rahid. We'll help you. We'll never betray you ever. Never.

We love you, Rahid! join us! Embrace us, for we are your family!

Your only family.

No one will love you or treat you better than we can. They only care about themselves and their politics and their money. They are a cruel and wicked people.

They only care about themselves.

But we are your friends.

We aren't those greedy, selfish authoritarian whores. We'll never let you go. We'll never let you go off and die in a war you don't belong to, much less any war.

And if anybody harms you...

Kill them all!

AAAAGH!!!

Stop it!!! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!!

We'll never shut up, my little Rahid. You need us.

Friends don't tell other friends to shut up, Rahid!

Now now, Little Rahid. You are in no position to make any demands. After all, you are dead. You failed yourself.

Please...

Who do you think you are, little man?! You're a failure to everyone. Including those traitors, you dared call friends. Ugh. I get sick thinking about them.

Fuck you-

Fuck you? Why would I want to have sex with a pathetic wretch like yourself? Much less copulate with that little thing you call your cock.

Shrimp dick!

Meany traitor!

Asshole failure!

The voices won't stop. They don't want to leave me alone. The madness becomes more and more suffocating every second I count. No one pays attention to me, no one wants to or even can help me. I am dead. My life is ruined and there isn't anything I can do about it.

I cannot run or die. I cannot kill myself or scream and cry. I can only suffer in cold silence, vainly begging the voices to stop as reality shatters around me.

I have no mouth, And I... Must...

SCREAM!!!!

I'm so happy, I'm happier than I can be. I'm just on my way, living every day! Things that bother you... Never bother me!

Reality and fantasy? Have you lost your marbles dude! What even is reality? Yeah, it doesn't exist! Things that bother you never bother me!

Bwahahahaha! Haha! Hahaha! Things that bother you... I'm so happy! So, so happy! I no longer care, about you or the human race!

Dundundunnunu!!

haven't got a lot, I don't need a lot! Human hatred is free and coffee's a dime! Killing in the sunlight! Fucking in the moonlight! Corpses are a good time!

I'm not insane... You're the lunatic! You're the one raping the corpse of third world countries my man! Do some crack! Fuck the government, coffees are only a dime!

Nananananananaman!

I have lost my last threads of sanity. I have lost to this void.

There are no more thoughts left. No more neurological activity beyond a dream-like state. The subject has entered a near-permanent and severe state of complete psychosis caused by severe psychological and emotional trauma. Perpetuated by a very, very long time in complete isolation and sensory deprivation.

Shockingly, he lasted almost, what he perceives as, Half a million years. For us, though, a mere week. If you needed any more proof, sir, that psychological torture is by far the most effective form of integration we have. This Soviet is a prime example.

No marks, no bruises, no proof he could accuse us of committing crimes against humanity. Only the words of a madman. But I mean, who in their right mind would think that we are capable of stooping to such a level. We are the land of the free. And even if there was proof, the united nations wouldn't dare try anything.

We are the nuclear club. We are the propagators of all genocide. We burn through the world's population and resources and then take "shelter" in bunkers. No one has the balls. Because we'll cut them off. Or start a war on their balls.

The war on testicles? Perhaps. It'd fit well with the financial success of the war on terror and all the sweet, juicy, power we got after crushing the communist bastard hippies and the lazy heroin-addicted, fucking negros with the war on drugs.

But don't worry, you won't care. Because we are protecting you from those ~~freedom-loving gun owners~~ disgusting vile nazis and their guns. ~~Actually progressive people who care about actual issues like poverty and government tyranny and not LGBT politics~~. And those stupid fucking communists and their traitorous buddyfuckers who dared to suggest that we have killed people in cold blood.

Terrorists against... The state! State terrorists they are! Yes sir! Kill them all! Ban the guns! Save our power! Else they may kill us, the rich, but they need us. Their just lumps of clay for the molding. They need us...!

Blown to bits are civilian targets! Parade! Laugh! Rejoin! Sing! We are the victors of nothing! Spend money on the war, let the people turn to whores! Let them starve, for they make us an extra dollar! We are the killers of the Kennedys with no fright, it's the American way!

Freedom cried the marching man, flags ripped out their poor hands! Beaten! Slain! Tortured! Killed! Their only mistake is being born! Invade countries for their oil! Teach the memorized children warfare! Send them all down to boil! Iraq, Grenda, Nam, and chile! The Truman doctrine for the win!

Cold. So cold. Nothing but black and cold.

So very cold...

God help me.

I feel nothing but agony, I want to die. Please let me die. I want to kill myself. Please let me kill myself, God. Anywhere but here. No more pain. Millions of years by now, haven't I repented enough?

Does anyone even care anymore?

Silence.

I didn't even get to experience life. I was abandoned by God, to rot in the void. I have no mouth, and I must scream. My sanity has long since dissipated, my will to live non-existent, my morals long dead, my body no longer feels, and my soul shattered into one trillion pieces.

Everything I knew, everyone I loved, everything I experienced, gone. No longer matters. The world I knew, no longer exists. And along with it, I go. Into the void, until the end of time and the universe. Maybe I'll persist. But it's been nearly a million years, anything that, was, in my time. Never existed. At least to whatever life still exists on earth.

The only things that exist now... The frigid cold and suffocating darkness. And the voices. They never stopped, they never will, and I fear that I'll go fully insane without them. That's assuming that I can still feel fear after the sheer immensity of the fear I feel on a daily basis. So much that any more would not have any effects on me whatsoever.

So much pain that any more would be so thoroughly dulled by the immensity of the current wave of pain. That It would have absolutely no effect whatsoever. It's the same story with the anger, grief, hopelessness, sexual urges, apprehension, paranoia, and everything else. So much that anymore has no effect. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot drink, I'm in everlasting agony, nay, no word can describe it. Everything, Hurtssss.

I have been abandoned by God, I have no mouth, and I must scream.

Three million years...

I'm older than the entire human species. I lasted longer than the human species. Even longer than the cockroaches and water bears.
Longer than the last ice age, longer than the theorized next eruption of the Yellowstone supervolcano, longer than all the wars waged by the human race combined, longer than the oldest states, longer than South America when it was an island. Longer than most of anything, really.

I would kill myself had I not been dead for three million years. I would commit suicide if I existed for three million. I would bang my head bloody against a wall If I wasn't in the void for three million years.

I would jump in front of a train, drink a gallon of bleach, mix methamphetamine with heroin, shoot myself, tie a noose with rope, stick a knife into my wrists, drown in a pond, covered myself with black widow spiders on bull testosterone, punch an armed soldier, pull the pin off a grenade, jump into the turbines of a plane.

I would do anything to just die. To stop the agony and suffering. Get out of this petty sanity-killing hell that deprives me of anything other than agony and perversion.

But God, oh God. You sick old fucking, fuck. You, hehehe just won't let me, die!. Does it give you pride? Does it make you feel like such a big man? To torture a child, big man? For not sucking your cock, big man? Oh, I'm sure you would love that, big man? You old sick fucking bastard!

You're such a big man for torturing a child, big man?

a defenseless child forced by corrupt fuckers into fighting a war about money. To fuel a dying country supported by the frozen and mangled corpses of fifty million people. Some, children like me. But you're such a big man, big man.

Well, hehehehe, I've got big news for you, pfff-haha, Fuck you! Big man! Fuck. You.

What do I feel? What do I say? Fuck you, it all goes away! What do I feel? What do I say? Fuck you, it all goes away! In the end, all goes away! What do I feel? What do I say? Fuck you, it all goes away! In the end, it all goes away!

What do I feel? What do I say? In the end, it all goes away! What do I feel? What do I say? In the end, it all goes away! What do I feel? What do I say? In the end, it all goes away! In the end, it all goes away! In the end, it all fades away!

Fuuuuccckkkk!!!

Author's Note

Everything in this chapter is roman In the void. The scene where someone is talking about Iraq and grenada is just him basically going apeshit. Although America is still an imperialist nation, that scene was him losing his shit and desperately trying to stay sane.

Yeah, this was a wild chapter. However, it is him being essentially mentally locked away in the void and suffering under severe sensory deprivation. And his sense of time has been so distorted that a couple of days to him is over three million years.

So, yeah, sorry about the craziness. The next chapter will be much more coherent.