Friendship is (Hilarious!) Murder
Krack-a-thoom!
Rainbow Dash’s hooves slammed into the snow, followed by her barrel, the rest of her body, and the remnants of a sleigh. Scattered fragments of wood chips and dust flew through the air, which was filled with the screams of dozens of ponies as they fled the scene. Stray pieces of debris burned only to be quenched by the snow all around, sending spirals of billowy black smoke soaring skyward.
Rainbow stumbled to her hooves, only for them to slip and for her to fall flat on her face. “Ooowww…” she murmured as she tried again, with equally painful consequences.
“Rainbow Dash!”
Smacking her overly dry lips together, Rainbow looked up to see a blurry pair of purple figures rushing at her. “T-Twilight? That you? …why’s there two of you?”
“Rainbow Dash, are you alright?” Twilight asked as she bent over to check her. Her horn lit up, scanning Rainbow with a spell, only for her to frown. She leaned in further and sniffed Rainbow’s breath, then gagged. “Uugh, you’re drunk again, aren’t you?”
“‘Snot my fault the schider’s sho good this time of year,” Rainbow mumbled. She glanced around. “Where’s AJ anyway? I want more cider.”
“That’s what I was coming to ask you,” Twilight said. She looked at the destroyed remnants of the sleigh still attached to the yoke around Rainbow’s neck, and used her magic to unhook it. “What in the wide, wide world of Equestria were you doing with a sleigh? The last time you gave ponies rides, you… oh. Oh no. You did not do that again.”
Rainbow blinked blearily. “Huh?”
Twilight ignored her, trotting over to something out of sight. After a moment she shrieked in terror and galloped back over to Rainbow Dash, holding up something in her magic. “You did! You did do it again! Oh my goodness, Rainbow Dash, what is wrong with you? I could excuse the first time, but a second time? Why?!”
“What are you talking about, Twilight?” Rainbow muttered, squeezing her eyes shut. Her head pounded like the Friendship Express ran it over three times while carrying the entire Apple Family aboard, then once more with the Pies for good measure. Her mouth tasted drier than the San Palomino desert. She needed a drink.
Cider. She needed more cider.
Where the heck was AJ?
“Look at this, Rainbow Dash. Don’t you recognize what this is?”
Twilight shoved a burnt piece of cloth into Rainbow’s face. Her eyes crossed trying to take in the details. “N-no, what is it?”
“Ugh! What do you think it is, Rainbow? It’s a piece of Applejack’s hat! And it’s all burnt up!”
Rainbow’s mental gears visibly chugged. “...but why’s it burnt?”
Twilight hissed. “Gee, I dunno, maybe because you burned it?!”
“I… I did?” Rainbow asked. She tried to stand, only for her stomach to twist up, causing her to fall flat on her face again. “Ow… How’d I do that?”
Twilight spouted out several words in a language that Rainbow Dash didn’t understand…something about puh-talks? “Okay, Rainbow Dash, I know you’re drunk to the gills, but listen to me. What was the last thing you remember doing before crashing?”
“Uuuuh…” Rainbow squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to think. “I… I was… flying the sleigh.”
“Good! Now we’re getting somewhere.” Twilight leaned in. “What were you doing with the sleigh?”
Rainbow groaned, rubbing at a sudden sharp pain in her left temple as she continued, “I… I think Thunderlane challenged me? Said he could pull the Hearth’s Warming sleigh faster than I could. So I showed him. I was dashing about in that one-horse open sleigh!”
Twilight grimaced. “Okay, but what did you do next, hmm?”
“W-well, you can’t just drag a sleigh around without anypony in it, right? So I started asking, but then everyone ran and hid… I figured they were just palling around, so I went and found Pinkie Pie, then Rarity… finally had to track AJ down in her barn. She was hiding in her barn. Who does that?”
“And you didn’t think for a second that maybe, just maybe, they were hiding for a reason?!” Twilight shrieked. “Because you’ve pulled this before, Rainbow Dash! Only this time you’ve really messed up!”
“Twilight, stop shouting, my head hurts,” Rainbow complained as she hid her face in the snow. “A-and I’m thirsty… where’s AJ with her cider?”
“Rainbow! Focus! After you gathered everyone up, what did you do?”
Rainbow looked up at the sky, her eyes crossing. “Uh, well, I took them flying.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yeah?”
“A-and I was going really fast.”
Gritting her teeth, Twilight repeated, “Yeah?”
Rainbow blinked. “I, uh…might’ve… Sonic Rainboomed?”
“Yes, Rainbow. You Sonic Rainboomed.” Twilight sighed. “And, in the process, you burnt them to a crisp.”
Rainbow Dash’s wings blew out, her ears flattening against her skull. “Wha--but Sonic Rainbooms don’t do that!”
“Not normally, but when you do one right into a thundercloud prepared for the last thunderstorm before Hearth’s Warming Eve they sure do!” Twilight snapped. “I can’t believe you did this a second time. I’m going to have a serious talk with someone about your cider habit.”
“Oh, um, did she do it again?” asked Fluttershy, who’d stumbled upon them, peering curiously at the wreckage.
Twilight gave Rainbow a glare that could evaporate mountains before giving Fluttershy a gentler, more understanding nod. “Yup.”
“Oh Rainbow…” Fluttershy let out a world-weary sigh. “I’ll go get the blood sacrifices.”
“And I’ll get my necroponicon… again.” Twilight glared at Rainbow one last time. “Seriously, if I had a bit for every time Rainbow Dash killed one of us…well, I’d only have two, but it’s still not right that it’s happened twice!”
Rainbow Dash didn’t hear any of this, having long since passed unconscious into the snow. She’d later be found, dead of frostbite, and when brought back, told she’d deserved it for her actions.
And she couldn’t blame them. It wasn’t every day that Rainbow Dash murders her friends.
Author's Note
When I saw the thousand words contest, I knew I wanted to write a comedy. It's been a while since I wrote anything, and I was struggling to come up with something.
And then I listened to the Pony Christmas album again at random because it was in my music playlist, and all of a sudden I realized there were some really weird lyrics in Rainbow Dash's song. I'd only ever listened to it once before back when it came out and I must not have noticed then or else I would've written this idea way sooner; as soon as I heard it I couldn't unhear it. It's so bizarre.
But then, ponies celebrate Hearth's Warming, not Christmas, so that whole album is strange.
Thanks for reading! And for those who've been wondering about my health: it's starting to get better again, slowly.
