Rider on the Storm

A low whistle comes a’whistlin’ outta your pie hole as you peer through the telescope, your magnified cone of vision trained squarely onto Canterlot. Place looked great in the pictures already, and the place looked even better from afar like this. Can’t wait to see it up close and personal! But alas, you’re not manning the telescope for sight-seeing; you’re here to take stock of who’s present and accounted for at the city itself.

And wouldn’t you know it, your attack seems to have come at the perfect time: there’s an imperial shitload of ponies gathered up at the city for some kind of big celebration. In terms of troops, they looked well-decorated and well-armed, but their stances betrayed their lack of real experience. Not surprising, seeing how that more or less lines up with what the dossier had said about the Royal Guards.

But man alive, they were all so cute! Even the boys were cutie patooties!

“So tell me something, Anonymous,” you heard Tempest remark off to your side, no doubt still flicking through your dossier on the princesses. “How is it that you are taking this more seriously than the Storm King is?”

“Because I take pride in my work,” you reply with a smile, still peering through the telescope. “That, and I like takin’ every advantage I can get. Makes the curbstomps feel so much better.”

Well, that and the fact that the Storm King is a raging dipshit, but no need to voice that. That comes later.

“Well I can’t deny that this is very helpful. So thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, babe!” you chirp, flashing a thumbs-up in her general direction. “Oop, hang on, I think I can see ‘em now.”

Oh yeah, those are definitely the princesses. Looks like they just came out of their big flashy palace to see to whatever wack-ass celebration they’re holding. All four, present and accounted for. And it looks like Twilight’s doing a musical number with... Oh, that’s convenient! There’s the other Elements of Harmony!

“Oh yeah,” you croon, smiling nice and big. “Everyone’s attending this party.”

“Let me see.”

You do just that, standing aside so she could use the deck-mounted telescope herself. Which gave you plenty of time to fully appreciate just how fucking awful this situation was. Come the fuck on, everyone you need to neutralize all being in the same place at the same time, just begging to be toppled like a row of dominoes? Nuh-uh, this has Finagle’s dirty rat bastard fingerprints all the fuck over it.

Oh sure, you have zero doubts that you were gonna take the city and neutralize most of the other targets; the same thing happened with the hippogriffs, after all! But the hippogriff royalty sure did escape real easy, didn’t they? Something’s gonna go wrong, that much was certain. Now, going off of precedent, context clues, and gut instinct? All the signs point to your most likely escapee candidates being the Elements.

So yeah, you know who you’re focusing on.

“You’re right,” Tempest pipes up, wearing a smile of her own. “They are all there. That’s very thoughtful of them.”

“Right?” you reply, maintaining your smile.

She pulls away from the telescope to look at you, looking noticeably less pissy than she usually is. “Let’s wrap this up quickly. The sooner I get what I want, the sooner I can enjoy all of the spoils of war.”

“Fine by me. Let’s boogie.”

With that, the pair of you head up from the ship’s bow to the captain’s nest. Tempest mans the intercom and radio, issuing the orders to mobilize, while you go ahead and activate the extra-strength storm generator. This model’s got all the extra trimmings; more specifically, the power to create it’s own fuckhuge storm cloud cover. Which, of course, it does. And pretty effectively, too. If there’s one thing you’ll give the Storm King credit for, it’s that he sure knows his storm magic.

Hell, this whole ship’s got all the trimmings, and then some. The King wasn’t willing to divvy up his only two super-warships between you two, insisting on keeping one and making you two share the other. Last-minute decision, of course. Because he’s a jackass like that. Normally that would have been a cooperative disaster, but Tempest became a lot more agreeable after spending all of that post-showdown quality time with you. Y’know, both in and out of magical regenerating bath time. Turns out that half of her attitude problems were down to not getting laid a whole lot. Real shocker.

Still, that newfound understanding translated efficiently into being a better co-op partner. Both you and your boys were, in a rare twist of fate, getting along swimmingly with both her, and her troops. Good thing too, ‘cause you were gonna need some efficient teamwork to make finer mincemeat out of the pony forces.

Finishing up your respective tasks, the two of you head down below deck where the unloading ramp was and get ready for the big, showy reveal. Grubber was already there, of course, practising his speech. You knew Biggs and Wedge were here somewhere as well, hanging out in the crowd of fully armed and operational storm beasts. A shame Cid couldn’t join the party, but that’s okay. He’ll be here for the after-party.

And, if things go your way, you’ll get to see him during the first meeting.

You and Tempest spend most of your prep time warming up and double-checking your gear. The magic deflection properties of the armour plating in particular were going to be mighty useful against an enemy that primarily relies on magic, especially if your previous throw-down with Tempest was anything to go off of. Really, the only thing you felt needed double-checking was your pouch of Obsidian Spheres. Twelve shots, all accounted for.

Yeah, it’s pre-game paranoia, you know that. But it never hurts to be sure!

A few dull CRASHes reverberate throughout the ship’s hull as it collides with some stone, no doubt caused by some of those fancy pillars getting in the way of the landing. It was also both a great showcase of the ship’s armour quality, and a great indicator that it was almost game time.

“Alright ladies,” you call out, giving your knuckles a good crack-a-lackin’, “You ready for war?”

Half the room erupts into a chorus of cheers. The other half simply nods in acknowledgement.

“That’s what I like to hear!”

“Just keep it together until we give the signal,” Tempest remarks. “Then you can all have your fun.”

That time, all of the room grunts and nods their acknowledgement. All of the boys definitely felt the change in dynamic between you two, but knew better than to ask.

The momentum of the ship lurches to a stop, prompting you to nod to Grubber. He throws the lever controlling the main ramp, the metal groaning and the pneumatics hissing as it deploys into the freshly overcast plaza, the cool air from outside rushing into the bay with a light whoosh and stirring up some of the intentionally generated ominous fog cover. The ramp finishes deploying, hitting the stone of the ground with a resounding metallic CLUNK, and Grubber wastes no time in booting the roll of red carpet down the ramp, grabbing his funny little jack-in-the-box megaphone thing, and strutting on down to give his little speech.

Already, you could see the shapes of guard ponies scrambling into position from your angle. Heh, not that it was gonna help them.

“Ponies of Equestria,” you hear Grubber announce, putting those public speaking lessons of yours to solid use, “We come before you today on behalf of the one, the only, the fearsome and the powerful, Storm King!”

Fearful murmurs from the Equestrian peanut gallery. Good. Love to hear it.

“And now, without further ado, please put your hooves together for the terrifying Commander Tempest, and the mighty Commander Anonymous!”

With a small nod to one another, the pair of you get your game faces on and start strutting your way down the ramp. She put a little fizzle into her horn for good measure, and you made do with cracking your neck. Won’t lie, it was a tough call between either walking down normally or walking down like an anime villain, but in this particular instance, you settled on the normal approach.

Sure enough, the Royal Guard had all formed up in a semicircle around the ramp, spears pointed out and at the ready. At the head of those guards was one Shining Armour, a figure briefly touched on in your dossier. Apparently his schtick was “Twilight’s brother,” “Cadance’s husband,” “captain of the guard,” and... Nope, that was about it.

Far more interesting were said sister and wife, accompanied by the celestial sisters and encircled with guards of their own, all regarding you two with no shortage of shock. The Elements were nearby, too, and you could see the little dragon Spike muttering something to Twilight.

Shit, that’s right. Spike’s a dragon, isn’t he? That’s going to be an annoying trait to deal with come capture time.

Celestia is the first to speak up, taking a few steps forward. “Tempest, was it? And Anonymous? Is there a particular reason you have come here today?”

Holy shit, the dossier didn’t mention her having the voice of a total dommy mommy. How many of her subjects developed a complex from hearing her voice all the time, you wonder?

“Pleased to meet’cha, your majesties!” you reply with gusto and enthusiasm aplenty, complete with a little bow. “We’re here to take over your nation, enslave your people, and steal all of your magic!”

Aha, there’s the panicked and fearful murmuring from the crowd you’ve waited for!

“We’re on something of a tight schedule,” Tempest adds, “So make this easy on yourselves, and offer us your surrender now.”

Hot damn, she’s puttin’ on her bedroom voice for this one. Nicely done!

“Well at least they’re honest,” you overhear Princess Luna murmur to her sister.

“Haha, yeah, hi there!” Twilight pipes up, walking forward a bit. “Noooooot really sure what this is all about, but I’m sure we can talk things out!”

“I just told you what this is all about,” you reply, quirking an eyebrow. “Where’s the ambiguity in ‘take over your nation, enslave your people, and steal all of your magic,’ exactly?”

“Yeah, erm, could you maybe, y’know, not do that? Please?”

“No can do, sorry,” you shrug. “I’m contractually obligated to subjugate you gals. And even if I wasn’t, I’d do it anyways. Just for funsies.”

Something about that last part really set off that Pinkie Pie character, causing her to start shaking like crazy off in the back.

“And besides. We didn’t come here to talk,” said Tempest. “We came here to accomplish.”

Taking the lead, Tempest struts further down the ramp, continuing to speak.

“Listen closely, ladies. Just like the man said, we need your magic. Now, give it up nicely, please. Or we make this difficult.”

“The pair of you certainly have some nerve,” Princess Luna cuts in, taking centre stage. “Have you the faintest notion of who it is that you are threatening right now?”

“Do you?” you chuckle.

Credit where it’s due, that petite cutie of a lunar princess sure could sound intimidating. Too bad intimidation doesn’t really work on you. And judging from her facial expression, she wasn’t really expecting you to have replied that quickly, much less with your level of confidence.

“Lemmie guess,” you continue, striding down the ramp with the exaggerated swagger of a Bond villain. “There’s two of us, and hundreds of you? That about the gist of where you’re going with this?”

She wasn’t looking all that confident anymore.

“Sorry to break it to ‘ya, your highness, but that doesn’t even qualify this as an even match-up.”

You give your knuckles a little crack, prompting the entire fucking line of guards to point their spears in your general direction. Luna was joined by her sister, giving the former a much needed confidence boost.

“You may find this ‘lopsided match-up’ to be much more difficult than you are imagining,” Celestia says, noting the threatening tone she took.

“Oh good,” Tempest hums off to the side, looking your way briefly. “I was hoping they’d choose ‘difficult’.”

Shooting her a little smile, you let an evil chuckle rumble through your throat as you look over the royals. “Y’know, you’re not the first kingdom to say that.”

A snap of your fingers later, and your side’s opening move begins. Seeing your opponents react to the huge wall of airships pouring out of the cloud cover was always one of the best parts of launching invasions, and this time was no exception. The younger princesses in particular looked especially spooked by the sudden numerical swing in your advantage, and the inexperience of their guards couldn’t have been more obvious than at this exact moment, their looks of shock telling you everything you needed to know.

“And you won’t be the last,” you close.

Storm beast boots hit the ground from up above as they airdrop in from the ships, and the side ramps of your super-warship flip open, allowing your elites to swarm on down. With another brief nod to one another, you and Tempest launch into a dead run and a huge overhead jump respectively, barrelling down towards your royal targets with a vengeance.

You bowl through the pitiful guard line before you, knocking the guards dumb enough to block your path flat on their ass as their spears do all of jack and shit against your armour, bouncing off like they were pebbles. The only thing that does stop you is a magical shield, conjured up by that Shining guy and enclosing you in a tight little bubble.

Sadly for him, his brief flash of satisfaction morphed into shock and horror as you whirled towards him and introduced his shield to one of your Obsidian Spheres, touching it to it’s surface and giving him a little taste of their very handy shield-breaking qualities. A few seconds of that was all it took to break it like glass, and you launch the Sphere at him proper before he can recover, taking out one of many annoying obstacles in your path.

With no time to waste, you continue your death run towards the royals, just in time to catch Tempest drop-kicking one of her own Spheres against that Cadance, who had also tried in vain to block it with a shield. As she struggles in vain against her current status of rapid petrification, the other three princesses flap their wings and fan out, taking to the skies. Too far away for a throw, unfortunately. They don’t waste any time either, getting right to work with those magical laser blasts.

Tempest lands next to you, falling into formation as you both dodge and weave around the laser blasts, contemplating your next moves. Their attacks and movements become much more restricted, however, as your troops begin to take possession of the battlefield, lobbing spears and firing crossbows up at them. Only Twilight summons up a shield to block them, the celestial sisters opting to dodge and weave their way around them, just like you two were.

The patterns in their moves were starting to become apparent to you. Celestia’s turning speed and manoeuvrability was the slowest of the royals, but she made up for it by staying super high up in the air, circling around out of harm's way and blasting away like a magical AC-130. Luna was the fastest, and preferred to swoop down and dive-bomb your forces with big magical wave attacks, clearing them out like a snow plow. Twilight was the worst flyer of the three, idling a lot in the air as she turtled behind her shield and tried to focus on supporting her co-rulers and friends.

And with that knowledge, came openings for Sphere chucking.

“Give me a boost,” Tempest calls out. “I can reach Celestia that way!”

“Comin’ right up,” you holler back.

Grabbing her by the barrel, you launch high up into the air with the strongest jump you can muster. Bracing her hindlegs against your chest, she uses you as a platform to jump off of, launching herself towards Celestia like a guided missile and sending you flying back down to the ground. Looking away briefly in order to nail your landing, you look back up just in time to see a rapidly petrifying Celestia dropping back down to Earth, yelling and flailing about as she fell.

Predictably, Luna ceased her current attack in order to save her sister from her hot date with the concrete. But Tempest wasn’t slacking off during her own freefall down to Earth, using the distraction to lob another Sphere down from up on high. She timed it just right, the Sphere impacting against a very surprised lunar princess just as she caught her sister’s statue and gave it a gentle landing.

Your attention, however, was on the purple princess of the bunch. Once you were back on your feet, you sprinted your way towards her, a Sphere queued up in your grasp and ready to chuck. She saw you coming too late, the Sphere having already left your hand and halfway through the air to hit her. Out of desperation, she tries redirecting her shield to block against it, but even with her impressive pool of magic to call on, it only manages to stop it for all of seven seconds.

But then, fast enough that you’d miss it if you so much as blinked, a rainbow blur shot through the sky just as her shield broke, intercepting the princess and pulling her out of the Sphere’s path as it arcs through the open air and collides with some gray, derpy-eyed pegasus off in the distance.

Of course. It couldn’t be that easy, could it? That Rainbow Dash pony was noted as having a habit of last-minute saves, and sure enough, there she was again.

You can see Tempest racing towards you in the distance, but you don’t have time to regroup with her; your efforts are focused on pursuing your two runaway Elements before that rainbow contrail of theirs fades away and their aerial trail goes cold. You commit the trail to memory as you continue to sprint after them, leaping up on top of a building and parkouring across the rooftops at one point during the chase. The trail stops near the side of one of the river banks, revealing the entire Element posse plus one Spike the dragon.

They hear you jumping down to continue your pursuit, and as a group, they take off across a bridge over the river towards the train station, where one of the trains was beginning to move out of the station. They try for that train first, but are stopped by a familiar bolt of unstable lightning firing overhead, detonating against the engine car and derailing the train in a very explosive fashion.

They skid to a halt before the burning wreck just as Tempest finishes catching up to you, leaping down from the rooftops next to you and panting with exertion, much like you were. The Elements plus dragon make to run back across the bridge, but quickly divert their course once they see the two of you charging down that same bridge, taking off down the train tracks.

“You weren’t joking,” Tempest pants. “Those six are the hardest to catch.”

“Man, I hate being right,” you pant back.

Your chase continues down the train bridge, the six ponies and their plus one continuing to do a great job of keeping their distance. Digging through your armour, you pull out your pre-loaded flare gun and fire it skyward, marking your location for rapid airship support with a red flare. Your pursuit along the bridge takes you straight out of Canterlot, but their run came to a dead stop once the stone bridge of the Canterlot approach gave way to the timber trestle bridge of the rest of the mountain railway line, leaving them with no ground to run on save for the widely spaced railroad ties - too wide for them to just hop, skip, and jump across.

Even if they wanted to take their chances hopping across the sleepers, your airship support came in at just the right time to prevent that; one ship landed right on top of the trestle bridge, collapsing part of it and blocking their path. Three more ships hovered their way into position, blocking off the aerial escape routes with plenty of crossbow-wielding storm beasts up on deck, ready to fire.

The two of you slow your roll, dropping to a brisk walk as all seven of them back themselves up against the open bridge, Twilight keeping a shield powered up over them as they face towards you both. A fair few of them - Spike, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie - panic-whisper to one another, no doubt debating about what they should do now.

“Not gonna lie,” you call out to them, idly juggling a Sphere around in your left hand. “That was quite the workout you gave us there! But it’s the end of the line for you gals.”

“Make this easy on yourselves,” Tempest adds, “And come quietly.”

They don’t respond, but it’s easy to see that they’re all nervous as hell, with Twilight in particular sweating bullets. Spike does a big ‘epiphany’ face, and you pay extra attention to him as he points down, straight towards--

The river.

“Fuck,” you hiss, catching your Sphere. “They’re going for the river!”

Tempest responds by bolting forwards towards them, readying her own Sphere. Calling out to the airships to open fire, you jump down off the bridge first, angling your approach towards the mountain face. Summoning your inner Neo, you run down and along it’s steep slope, fishing for an angle to catch the escaping princess with your Sphere.

By the time Tempest boots her Sphere towards Twilight, they’ve already taken the plunge, jumping down off the bridge and towards the raging river underneath as both crossbow bolts and the smoke cloud of her Sphere impact against their previous position.

They realize too late that you were waiting for them, and the Sphere leaves your hand, screwballing straight towards Twilight.

Spike, riding shotgun on her back, cries out with a loud, protracted “no” as he jumps off and towards the sphere, where he fucking takes the hit and saves her, damn it damn it, damn it!

They fall too fast for you to pursue, and the cliff face becomes too steep for you to Neo across without going into a freefall yourself, forcing you to punch into the mountainside to stop yourself. A huge gouge is scalloped out of the rock face as your momentum comes to a stop, and all you can do is hang out from your vantage point as the Elements and a notably not petrifying Spike plummet into the river.

Fuck you, Murphy. Fuck you, fuck your mother, and fuck your Marker. You hope he fucking dies in a high-speed car crash, and failing that, that he falls head-first and gets his neck cracked. And you especially hope that his fuck-buddy Sod has some beautiful children that die from cancer, and that he ends up catching Zika when his wife gets pregnant.

After punching the rock face with your free hand out of anger, you punch it once again out of need as you begin rock-climbing your way back up the mountain. You eventually get high up enough to jump back down onto the bridge, and you land right next to a similarly fuming Tempest. Who was also busy glaring down at the river.

“What are you all standing there for?!” she snaps at the airships. “Follow the river! After them! Now!”

The airships kick into gear as quick as they can, screaming off towards their watery destination. Taking a moment to suck in a deep breath - through the nose and out the mouth - she calms herself enough to at least hold a conversation.

“I didn’t think they would be that hard to catch,” she grumbles. “We need to get down there, now. Before they get away.”

“Don’t bother,” you sigh, voice still dripping with piss and vinegar as you squat next to her, joining her in staring at the river. “This damn river has a ton of forks, and they could be anywhere along one of them. For now, they have gotten away.”

“Then what, exactly, do you propose we do?”

“Secure the rest of the city. Then rest for a bit.”

“What?! Why?”

“You can’t plan when you’re tired and pissed off, babe. Believe me, I’ve tried.” You let out a tired sigh as you continue talking. “We’ll find ‘em. There’s only so many places they can go.”

“Unbelievable,” she snorts, more to herself than to you. “This close, and they still got away...!”

“C’mon,” you say, letting out a tired groan as you stand back upright. “Let’s get out of here.”

She complies after a moment’s pause, falling in next to you as you walk back towards the smoking city, the airships still lumbering above it.

Man. Even though you knew something like this was gonna happen, it still puts an entire bald-faced hornet’s nest in your bonnet.

Hours later...

“Please, no!” the mint-coloured mare squealed in a mix of laughter and horror. “Not like this! Not like this, I’m not ready! Nooohohooooo!”

Her pleas fall on deaf ears as you continue to assault her cute little tum-tum with your bare hands, her hooves kicking around wildly as she twists and squirms in your lap. Funnily enough, despite all of the flailing and protesting, she never makes a serious escape attempt in spite of your poor hold on her and the notable lack of guards.

Your eyes turn to the cages full of other captive ponies, all looking on at your adorable debauchery with varying degrees of shock and horror.

“How about it, ladies?” you ask of the other captives with a big smile on your face. “Still plenty of open positions for the role of personal servant!”

Might be crazy for thinking this, but you think the chorus of angry and horrified shrieks is supposed to be a “no”.

“Eh, suit yourselves,” you shrug, looking back down at your minty servant-to-be with an evil grin. “Just means that there’s more for you.”

“I already gave uuuhuhuuuup!”

“I know you did. You wanna know what else I know?” You lower your head down towards her, whispering directly into her ear. “That you’re secretly enjoying this.”

She gasps loudly, pupils shrinking to the size of pinpricks as her body freezes up for a brief moment. Whether that was from your words or from itching a real tender spot on her tummy was a multiple choice question everyone knew the answers to.

Aw shit, you just noticed the time. Damn it.

“Welp,” you announce to your captive audience with a shrug of your shoulders. “As much as I’d like to keep doling out the early bird rewards, I’ve got work to do.”

Your hands clear the path down to her belly button, your head following the approach vector to navel city.

“No, please!” she yelps. “Anything but that!”

phhhhhhhhbbbbttt

All the little pony could do against your horrifying raspberry assault against the capital of tum-tum valley was scream and thrash. Within seconds, she lost the energy to do even that much, squealing and shuddering instead.

By the time you were finished with her, she was nothing more but a limp, shivering mess of mare in your hold. Small rivulets of tears leaked down her glazed eyes along with a small stream of drool from her big, goofy smile, complete with the occasional giggle-hiccup escaping her throat.

Oh, and a large portion of your captives had fainted on the spot. But the morbidly interested looks of some of them hadn’t escaped your notice. Definitely committing them to memory for later.

“Oh yeah,” you chortle. “You’re a keeper.”

Clipping her new collar into place, you lower her back down into her new pet carrier home with a parting pet before turning to leave the improvised prisoner block, slipping your gauntlets back on as you went. Getting handsy with your POW’s was just the pick-me-up your formerly grouchy ass needed, more than enough to keep you in high spirits as you strode your way through the newly conquered plaza to the castle proper, where Tempest was no doubt hanging out.

Nonconsensual tickling and serial petting notwithstanding, seeing all of the big, Mordor-style lines of chained-up ponies being led around by the storm beasts threatened to crack your smile in two for the second time today. You have absolutely no idea why the Storm King had such a raging hate-stiffy for all things cute and adorable, and seeing this ongoing display of teenage edginess done in his name was nothing short of absurd to you. You!

Like seriously, did he get rejected by some cute storm girl when he was in high school or something? Is this some kind of protracted revenge against his teenage traumatizers? Hell, you’d believe it. He sure as shit still acts like a moody teenager, no surprise his goals would be those of one, too. You’d even put fifty bucks down on him fighting to eliminate the horrifying threat of cooties while he’s at it, too.

Just one of many things that’ll be changing once your ass is on that throne of his.

The elite guards protecting the door - a large chunk of them wearing the discreet little lapel pins marking them as turncoats to your side - saluted and opened the huge castle doors as you approached, quickly shutting them behind you as you stride inside and towards the throne room.

Three out of four princess statues greeted you there, already taken from their former resting places and arranged in a little circle around the room’s central dais thing. Still, you can’t help but let your eyes drift on over towards the Twilight Sparkle-sized vacancy in the circle.

A big part of you wants to be angry over Twilight managing to get away, but the A-non doesn’t get mad. He gets even. Sadistic, even. Good thing you already had a provisional plan ready to roll for the occasion! God bless Wedge and his documentation skills, honestly.

But first, you need to find your co-op partner. Who just so happened to be through the curtain doors behind the thrones, leading to the high-up royal balcony overlooking the big plaza you’d made first contact in. There she was, gazing out across the balcony at the sights and sounds of conquest.

“There ‘ya are!” you cheer with a clap of your hands. “Had a feeling you’d be up here.”

“You’re late,” she states without looking back at you.

“For what, the magic Skype call?” you scoff. “The big bad Storm Dipshit is always at least ten minutes late to those. I’m perfectly on schedule, thank you very much.”

She only responds with the traditional snort of annoyance as you close the distance and take up position next to her, peering down the balcony at the sight below.

It was somehow even uglier up here than when you were watching down on the ground.

“What are we supposed to tell him?” she asks, the trace amounts of fear in her voice not escaping your notice.

“We tell him that the city’s ours, of course!” you cheer. “And that we bagged 75% of the princesses! Even by med school standards, that’s a passing grade!”

“That’s not what I mean! What do we say about Twilight?”

“Oh, her?” you chuckle. “Leave that to me.”

“Don’t tell me you’re going to lie to him?”

“I always lie to him, babe. Same way he always lies to us!”

Her head turns to face you, unsure of what you meant by that. But you were already backing away from the railing by then, walking back towards the throne room.

“C’mon, let’s get this over with.”

The two of you assemble around the centre of the room where the statues were, with you leaning up against the Celestia statue like the baller you were. The doors to the throne room open a few minutes later, with Grubber and a pair of elite storm beasts - one of them a defector - walking on in. The shortest one of the trio carried the Skype potion.

Man, thirteen minutes late to his own fucking meeting, and on invasion day no less. This guy has zero sense of urgency. Whatever happened to business before pleasure?

“Heya, boss!” Grubber waves.

“’Sup, lil’ G?” you shoot back with a wink and a finger-gun. “How’d the pantry raid go?”

“Oh it was so good!” he all but drools. “Boss, you’ve gotta come by and try the sponge cake they’ve got--”

fzzzzZZZZTT

And there goes Tempest with the horn-borne Sith Lord display, shutting him up and accelerating his walk to the basin of water in the middle of the statue ring. He pours the potion out into it, the blue cloud of Skype magic billowing up as the Storm King’s ugly mug materializes inside of it.

Well, the back of it, anyways. How someone boomers up magic is beyond you.

“Where am I supposed to be looking? I never understood how this spell works. Tempest!”

Tempest made to answer, but you were faster.

“Heeeeeeere, hoggy-hoggy-hoggy!” you mock in the worst Southern accent imaginable, “Suuuuuuuuuuuuu~ey!”

Miraculously, his fumbling came to a swift stop the second you started making fun of him, the disingenuous dipshit instantly turning to face you with a furious glare. Amazing how that works, huh? Oh, and wouldn’t you know it, he looks extra pissy with you today. Couldn’t possibly have been because of Cid leaking some information to him on purpose. Of course not, that’d be silly.

“You’re lucky I still need you, commander,” he hisses. “Otherwise--”

“Oww, ow-ow-ouch!” you recoil in faux pain, rubbing your back. “Sorry, back cramp!”

“Back cramp?”

“Yeah, it’s really hard on my back, having to carry your entire plan like this! God, I hope they’ve got ice packs here!”

“Listen here, you little bastard!” he bellows, all ready and fixin’ to holler.

“In the flesh, on my grind, and working nine-to-five!” you shrug with a smile.

“Enough!” Tempest shouts.

“What?” you faux-complain, unable to keep from grinning. “He started it!”

“I don’t care who started it,” she snarls, “I’ll finish it!”

“What, right here? In front of the boss-man?” you titter, girly hand motions and all. “Ooh guuuurl, I didn’t think you were into that exhibition shit. I like it!”

The embarrassed blush across her face was the only warning you got.

fzzZZZAP

You reach out in an instant and snatch the lightning bolt right out of the air, it’s power coursing and crackling along the metal of your gauntlet. Then, with a quick flick of your wrist, you redirect the bolt through the distant curtain door with pinpoint accuracy. An explosion and what you swear is a Wilhelm scream rings out in the distance a few seconds after. The entire motion doesn’t take more than a few seconds, and leaves Tempest one very surprised mare. After all, she never saw you do that during your big throw-down.

“Careful there, Commander,” you intone with a large degree of seriousness, the smile on your face remaining even as you blow the smoke from your fingertips away. “Wouldn’t want to damage the merchandise, now would we?”

“No,” the Storm King finally pipes up all threatening-like, “You wouldn’t. Not if either of you knows what’s good for you.”

“I know what ‘ya mean, boss-man,” you hum with a shrug, casually rolling your shoulders. “Hard to find good, trustworthy help these days, am I right?”

His eye definitely twitched. How you were able to keep the shit-eating grin off of your face in spite of that reaction is a mystery you don’t care to discover the answer to.

“I certainly hope that the two of you have good news to report.”

“‘Course we do! Who do ‘ya think you’re talking to here? We came, we saw, we conquered. Ain’t that right, Tempie?”

“Yes,” Tempest finally says to the King, looking away from you and stowing her no doubt numerous questions for the moment. “The entire city is ours. Can’t really say it was all that hard, either.”

“And those princesses?”

Tempest hesitated in answering, leaving you the perfect opening to butt in.

“Numero quattro out of four hadn’t shown up to the city yet,” you lie like the smooth criminal you always were. “Turns out they were still in that Ponyville place. We’d be busy chasing their asses down right now if you hadn’t dragged us into this call.”

“Are you blaming me for your lack of progress, commander?” he hisses, clearly not liking the implications of your statement.

“Goddamn right I am,” you continue, allowing some of your frustrations from the pursuit to spice up your sentence. “And if they do give us the slip because of this waste of fucking time, I’m blaming you for that, too. Just so that we’re crystal clear.”

Ahh, the impotent, barely contained rage of a banana dictator. Few things are as sugary sweet in life. Apparently Grubber and Tempest both disagree, seeing how the former is shivering and taking cover behind one of the statues, and the latter is more or less gaping at your brazen back-talking.

“I suggest,” he hisses through his teeth. “That you get on top of this right away.”

“Oh I’d love to, believe me, but there’s this long-ass call I’m on with this loud, obnoxious asshole who just can’t--”

“Give us three days,” Tempest cuts in, recomposing herself for the not-camera while trying to avoid another verbal armageddon between you and the King. “We’ll have everything taken care of by the time you arrive.”

“You had better,” the King all but growls, his anger lasered onto her now. “Don’t you forget, now. Only I have the power to make you whole.”

He brings the Staff of Sacanas into view at last. You had expected him to start waving that thing around a lot more, but you guess your hot bantz were just more appealing than a weather-affecting magic staff of mass destruction missing most of it’s true power.

“Make this twig work, and you’ll get your reward,” he continues. “Fail me, and your horn won’t be the only--”

“Oh sweet mother o’ mercy, Jesus H. Christ,” you groan, pinching the bridge of your nose in legitimately annoyance. “For once in your fucking life, can you find a better incentive for her than her horn?”

Huh, guess that must’ve been the last straw for his temper. Not that you could see him launch into his apoplectic rage fit, given that the call decided to cut out mere seconds into his hollerin’.

“H-heheheh,” Grubber pipes up, nervous as all hell. “G-guess we got bad service out here. Y-you, uh, want me to call him back?”

“Hell no,” you chuckle. “Let him stew. If the dumb fuck wants something done fast, he’d better learn to start doin’ it himself. We, meanwhile, will be doing this right.”

You stop leaning against the Celestia statue, striding on over towards Grubber and kneeling down to his level.

“Do me a couple’a solids. First, prepare our ship. We’ve got some vagabond heroes to hunt down. Second, bring some of that cake. I’m dyin’ to see how it tastes.”

“On it, boss!”

Throwing up a salute, he takes off with the kind of speed only food motivation can bring out of a man, his two accompanying elite guards struggling for a beat to catch up. But sure enough, it’s not long before you and your co-commander are once again left by your lonesomes in the throne room, statuesque company notwithstanding. As for her expression? It couldn’t decide whether it was angry with you, or confused by you.

“Since when could you do that?” she asks, though the question sounds more like a demand to your ears.

“Do what?”

“You know what I’m talking about! How did you deflect my magic like that?”

“Oh, that? I always save some skills for emergencies.” you chortle, waggling your fingers as your grin returns to it’s rightful place on your lovely mug. “And that wasn’t even the coolest one!”

“And you didn’t think it was important to--?!” she starts, before stomping the ground in a huff. “Raagh, forget it!”

“S’for the best, really. What ‘ya don’t know, can’t hurt you!”

And more importantly, what she doesn’t know can’t compromise her performance. Like knowing your real endgame for this invasion, or knowing about the Storm King’s plan to stab both her and you in the back once you’ve both secured the power sources for the Staff of Sacanas. Right now, you needed peak performance Tempest, not melancholy betrayed Tempest.

But no need to dwell on that now. Not when you’ve got an annoyed pony to shoot the breeze with!

“Just... tell me that we know where those ponies are going.”

“No idea,” you shrug.

“Of course,” she grumbles.

“But!” you pipe up, raised finger and all, “I’ve got a good list of all the possible places they could be. All we’ve gotta do is search ‘em in order!”

“And if they’re not in any of those places?”

“Then we hit up Klugetown, of course!”

Tempest tilts her head in confusion. “Klugetown? Why would they go there?”

“There’s only two reasons people end up in that Godforsaken shithole, babe. Either they’re horribly lost, or they’re the scum of the earth. And there’s a damn good chance that they are, in point of fact, horribly lost.”

“How?”

“Ahh, now that’s the question! Are they lost and trying to find somewhere, or lost and trying to find something? Like, for instance, anyone and anything that can help them out of their current predicament?”

“Hm. Fair enough. It’s not much of a plan, but it’s something.”

“You’re always welcome to suggest a better one,” you wink.

She looks away from you, unwilling to answer that question. “How long is it going to take to search every place on that list of yours?”

“If we’re quick? A day and a half, give or take.”

“Then let’s get moving.”

And off she goes, speed-trotting towards the exit. You follow behind at a leisurely pace, chuckling to yourself.

So far, so good. Only thing to do now is see how long this wild goose chase goes on for.