Tears on the pillow. I remember when it was blood wetting it. It wasn't more than a couple months ago at this point. I remember that first night, staying awake wondering if I should call someone. It wouldn't have made a difference, that's the only consolation I have. Things got fucked up, but at least I didn't fuck up.
It's unfair. I know life is like that, and I know I'm far from the first person who has any right to complain about it all things considered, but I'm not going to suck it up just because of that. I always knew I'd end up with something like this, but it wasn't supposed to go this way.
Maybe I should sleep it over for tonight. Who am I kidding, it's not going to let me sleep, not for another half hour at least. Maybe more. Maybe I'll have to wait until I pass out in spite of it, again. I haven't gotten to the point where I can just ignore it, not when I'm alone, not when it's quiet. Maybe I never will.
Ear infection. I made it a point my whole life to go around with headphones all day long and blast music at concerts and parties from equipment I'm not even sure I'd be legally allowed to operate if anyone in charge of deciding these things got a look at it, and the thing that gave me tinnitus was a stupid ear infection. It's like the universe is mocking me.
Sure, sure, maybe there was a correlation between the two. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten sick in the first place if I hadn't gone around wearing headphones so much. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten it as bad if I hadn't already made the whole area so vulnerable. Doesn't change the fact that if I was going to end up with this, I'd have much preferred to skip the part where it hurt like a bitch for a week. Just have it start one day and force me to live with it, I'd have been fine with that. Well, no, I wouldn't have been, but I would have liked it better than what I got.
I think the worst part might not be how hard it makes it to fall asleep. That's up there, it's up there for sure, but it's probably not the worst thing. It keeps me up, but eventually it goes quiet enough. Eventually I get tired enough to just pass out. No, the worst part is during the day. When I'm trying to focus on something. You try doing that with a whistle constantly blowing inside your ear. You try coming up with music with that thing constantly going on, with no way to shut it off.
At least I'm already used to overusing headphones. That mostly does the trick with blocking it out. Drown it out with something louder, I didn't even have to raise the volume I usually use to get there. Works great when you're on the bus, or on break trying to relax. Works a little less well when you're trying to follow a lesson, but that's how it is. At least now I've got somewhat of an excuse for paying little attention.
But I think I know what the worst part actually is. It's not being able to hear her properly when she plays. That's not something you listen to through headphones, you do it in person. And it's not amped the hell up like singing and the music the bands play. Especially not when she practices. It's a pretty private thing, she can't bother the people in the nearby rooms after all. I always loved listening to her practice. Can't really do that properly nowadays, not without this damned thing getting in the way.
I'd like to tell myself it's going to get better. That's what people usually do with this kind of stuff. Point is, it's not going to get better. I know it's not. The doctors have agreed it's not. It's only going to get worse, and it's only going to be made worse by the things I do to not have to deal with it as much.
The infection, yeah, that got better. No more bleeding out my ear, no more pain keeping me awake. That was real bad. That kept me up even past exhaustion. I'm glad it's gone now, I'm glad I don't have to shove meds up my ear anymore. I went through at least three different brands between drops and creams. Worked out in the end at least, now the ear's as healthy as the other one. Constant whistling aside at least.
It's not even properly a whistle. It's closer to a string sound than to something you blow into, except for the part where it's held and consistent. I suppose it's actually closest to a synth sound, despite being as far away from that as possible. There's some irony in that, I guess. Again, really feels like the universe is having fun with me. Maybe one day I'll learn to laugh at this too. Maybe I'd better, considering there's no getting better and wallowing in misery won't do me any good.
Maybe it'll get some new music out of me. I'm not sure depression goes well with club music, but it can't hurt to try. Not more than getting this thing did at least. Worst thing I ditch the project, and work on something with a single note held through the whole thing, just to give everyone else a taste of what it's like. Make it not fit the rest of the piece at all. Or maybe not. No reason to make bad music just because I can't properly enjoy the good stuff anymore.
I think I'm getting there for tonight. That sweet spot where it's low enough for me to ignore it, and I'm tired enough to do so. I better stop thinking and sleep while I've got my chance.
