The large neon letters looked startlingly out of place against the darkened oak planks of the bar. The letters flashed red and white lights around their edges and jutted out from the bar’s walls on a few inches of metal poles. The letters were hilariously oversized–the building’s roof only met the letters halfway up their length. A Church! the letters exclaimed. Next to the exclamation was a mare’s head of an even bigger size, alternating between smiling pleasantly and winking surprisingly sensually; her mane differed noticeably from the other letters, flashing a myriad of blue, green, orange, yellow.
Twilight Sparkle thought that if it didn’t explicitly say it was church, she would suspect it was a whorehouse.
All across the front of the building, sheets of paper covered the walls like a newspaper; all sported bullet-pointed sentences that only ever listed one single rule– “During worship, leave your rainbow macaroni and cheese outside.”
There was only one-way Twilight could tell this thing was once a bar: the door- which had been spared from any of the papers- had attached to it a small little chalkboard. On it was written in thick, white lines: “Happy Hour is here! Come get your half-priced drinks from 4-10 p.m on weekends!” Apparently, this sign was not neglected, as below those words and presented in a much smaller font like it was code, a small sentence read “Come to the worship in A Church! for some fun and enlihgimnetne.”
Rainbow Dash definitely wrote that, Twilight noted. She looked around at her, at the crowds of ponies that passed by A Church! without the barest hint of interest. Twilight turned to the building with a mix of intrigue and dread. Here was an organization that took over a sleepy little bar overnight, bearing the image and name of one of Twilight’s best friends. What laid in wait behind that chalkboard sign? Would she find the start of a sinister cult whose goals looked to poison the minds of Equestrians forever? It was all a mystery, and Twilight– who was by all accounts a genius– was certain she could figure it all out. With a quick exhale, Twilight opened the door and entered the church.
This is a bar, was Twilight's first thought upon entering; indeed it was a bar. It was also perhaps the hollowed trunk of an oak tree, as every inch of the building was built with wooden planks. What it was not, at least on a first look, was a church. On her left was a long bar, polished so liberally it shone like the sun under the bar’s overhead lights. A short, burly stallion stood behind it, his hooves curled around a rag and cleaning the inside of a mug. He paused momentarily to stare at Twilight with half-interest before returning to his work.
On the far side of the room, there were two large oak wooden doors that lead to the bathrooms. Between them stood the much narrower door to the janitor's closet. From hidden speakers, a rock tune about “the back seats of tractors” played; the singer sounded like the type of stallion who drank craft beers. Next to the bathrooms was a small stage that caught Twilight’s attention. A crowd of ponies wandered around the stage, eyes glazed and movements sluggish. There was even one mare on the stage itself, stumbling around like a zombie and murmuring to herself, her thoughts clouded with drink.
If there was any sign of a church, that must be it. Twilight walked over to one of the empty stools lined along the bar and sat on it; it was rough and entirely unpleasant, but Twilight couldn’t care less. The mystery was deepening.
She tapped the bar gently with her hoof, but gen harder. The bartender looked up with that same half-interested look.
“Is there a church in here?” Twilight asked.
The bartender shrugged. “Of course. Didn’t you read the sign?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “How couldn’t I? Anyways, when does it start?”
“When does what start?”
“Church.”
“You mean the worship?”
“Yeah, sure.”
The bartender pointed at the stage. “It starts in about an hour. Those ponies over there come in early to pray.”
Twilight looked back at the stage, where the mare on the stage was now in a crumpled heap, saliva pooling out the corner of her mouth. Another drunken mare took her place and preceded to poke the collapsed pony with modest enthusiasm.
“Praying? That’s what you call this?”
“I don’t really have a better name for it.”
“Well I’ll give you one then: Drunken wandering.”
The bartender shrugged again. “Call it what you will, we call it praying.”
Twilight sighed and slumped her head down in the polished wood, defeated. “I leave for two weeks, and I come back to this,” she muttered. A random thought suddenly came to mind, and her head perked back up. “By the way, what’s with all those papers about mac and cheese?”
The bartender shrugged, seemingly unsurprised by the question. “Why, you want one?”
“No, not particularly. Do you sell them?”
“We do now, but nopony really buys them until after the worship. They make it like a tradition or something. Besides, you can’t eat it during worship.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I figured. But let’s be real here for a second. Don’t you think this whole thing is kind of asinine? How did this whole thing start?
The bartender didn’t say anything back; he just went right back with his glasses. He only looked back at her when she tapped on the bar again, hard.
“Fine. If you’re not going to give me answers, I’ll wait for them to come to me. Seems like you can’t be bothered anyways, so just get me a beer, please. One of the cheap ones.” Twilight rarely drank besides an occasional glass of wine at formal gatherings; when it came to canned beer, Twilight never quite brought herself down to its level. That being said, one of her best friends had apparently become the face of a mysterious church that had strict rules on the consumption of macaroni and cheese, so it was safe to say some ponies weren’t feeling quite themselves today.
The bartender grabbed a cold can of Hayweizer and cracked it open, revealing frothy and, most importantly, alcoholic goodness. Twilight drained the whole can in five seconds flat and slammed it down, already calling for another.
This binge went on for the remainder of the hour, with Twilight carefully observing the front door for incoming ponies in between drinks. Many more ponies came in, most of them walking over to the stage and joining the drunkards, eyes closed and heads hung down. Some sat at the bar and ordered a beer, then said no more. One mare tried to strike a conversation with Twilight, but she just ignored her until finally the mare gave up and walked on over to that stage. By the time of the supposed worship, a large crowd had circled around the stage and nopony sat on it anymore. They were waiting for somepony, and they exchanged quiet and excited murmurs Twilight couldn’t understand; probably because of all that beer running in her system.
Besides, Twilight’s attention was mostly fixed on that door, waiting for a single lock of rainbow mane to come flapping through that doorway so she could immediately start to question the mare the mane belonged to.
But it never came. When Twilight and the bartender were the lone inhabitants at the bar, with everyone else now part of the growing crowd, a stallion that appeared out of nowhere walked briskly upstage. He was wearing an expensive-looking purple tie around his neck. He was all smiles, and Twilight could immediately point him out as an important pony for the church, mostly because he didn’t seem drunk.
“Greetings, worshippers,” he said cheerily through the mic. “Thank you all for coming to mass today. It means a lot to Rainbow Dash and all her followers that you took time out of your busy schedules to come to the church.” The stallion held out the mic, anticipating applause, but none came. He brought the mic back to his mouth and continued. “Anyways, we would like it if, for the remainder of the mass, you refrain from talking. Also, please no eating or drinking until after we’re finished.” The stallion suddenly frowned and pointed out a hoof aimed at the middle of the crowd. “That means you, Tony. Come on, you know better.”
Twilight heard somepony grumbling, and an old stallion pushed his way out of the crowd with a plastic cup full of rainbow-colored macaroni bobbing up and down on his back. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll finish it outside.” With that, he was out the door, and the speaker was back to smiling.
“Now then, may I ask everybody to bow their heads in silence as we welcome our savior Rainbow Dash.”
Twilight's ears perked up at the sound of her friend's name and the new music of a funky and totally rad bassline. She immediately turned towards the front door, already forming a million questions for the impending interrogation. But Rainbow Dash never came through that door, and after a few seconds, Twilight’s impatience turned to confusion. She looked back at the crowd of worshippers to see if they were just as confused as her.
Then she saw her.
Wearing a giant, shit-eating grin, Rainbow Dash shoved herself out of the janitor's closet. She was wearing a suit that was too tight on her, and a hoofball cap turned backward. She gave an enthusiastic wave to the crowd, then jogged up to the stage like a hyper talk show host.
This strange entrance was Twilight’s cue to get up; slamming her half-filled beer on the bar, she made to jump off her stool and immediately fly over to her strange, confusing friend for questioning. The thing is, Twilight didn’t realize it until she hit the floor, but she was drunk. She got a little too carried away with the beers, and now she was paying the price. So instead of a heroic jump off her seat, it was really just a dreadfully pathetic stumble that almost made her fall flat on her face. Worse yet, she felt as if her wings were glued firmly to her sides, so flying to that stage wasn’t exactly an option. And though she was ignorantly drunk, she wasn’t stupid; any attempt at even the simplest teleportation spell could send her to Timbucktu, or worse, like Cadence’s “Secret Room” (it was just an accident, but it’s the mistakes that stay with you forever. Forever.)
So, Twilight had to resort to simply walking, which was a problem in of itself. Her hoof-eye coordination was shockingly terrible, and she almost tripped right into the crowd of worshippers. Worse yet, once she entered the horde of ponies, there was no escaping. Twilight felt like a pinball as she was elbowed and shoved around the crowd; her cries and grunts went unnoticed as everypony else’s attention was fixed on the ecstatic rainbow mare currently drumming her hooves on the stage in the tune to “Take Me to the River.” Finally, the crowd decided to let her relax for a moment and allowed Twilight a moment to breathe. She was only a few ponies away from the stage’s front, but Twilight wasn’t exactly in the best mood. Out of breath and equipped with several new and wonderful bruises on her ribs, Twilight decided it was best to simply listen to what Rainbow Dash had to say before tearing her beliefs to shreds.
Once Rainbow Dash finished her fantastic drum solo, she gazed out at the crowd quickly, not even catching Twilight’s eye.
“Wow, what a crowd!” She said, speaking into the mic. “Glad you’re all able to make time in your busy schedules to give thanks to our fair Bejeezus.”
Be-what now?
Rainbow took the microphone from its stand with a wing and began pacing absently around the stage. No pattern to it, just wandering.
“I must say to you, my devoted followers, that the times we live in are dark, with more dark times ahead. Today, I had the displeasure of watching a mare grocery shopping. Alone. My friends, this is simply distressful. As I have stressed countless times, we are all equal. My faults are your faults, and your strengths are my strengths. Therefore, we all have an equal right to choose our groceries. Her coltfriend should have been right there with her, picking the canterlopes and honeydews or any other melons. And I know she had a coltfriend because, quite frankly, she was smoking.”
The worshippers began to whisper their agreement, but with a single swipe of Rainbows hoof, they were silenced.
“Yes, yes, it seems we are all in agreement with this dreadful tale. You are all learning well, and Bejeezus rewards your faithful understanding with a special place for you in his mystical hot tub. But remember, you must absolve yourself of all sins before you are welcome in the Haven. Our fair Bejeezus only takes the purest souls, and we must be ready for him to take us away. Find a mirror, just like I tell you, and scream at it! Could be anything, but just scream! Only with such a passionate yell can Bejeezus take you for himself, and make you in his image. Yes, my friends, that is the way to go to the Haven, and stay away from H-E-double hockey sticks. Also, remember to buy a rainbow mac and cheese bowl after worship. It gives great pleasure to our fair Bejeezus, and it gets rid of your sins much faster.
“Now, I have a special announcement that I want to make.”
She motioned towards somepony to her right, and the spokespony from before climbed on stage. Rainbow handed the microphone to him, and he took it with great enthusiasm.
“What’s up party ponies?” He shouted as he pivoted towards the crowd. “A Church! does indeed have a special announcement we are overjoyed to make, and you’ll be overjoyed to hear it.”
The crowd all collectively leaned in with anticipation, and excited mutters began to rise in volume.
The stallion raised his hoof high above his head, pausing for dramatic effect. Then, like he was throwing down a smoke bomb, he brought it back down to the ground in one swift, fluid motion.
“We’re getting new speakers!” He said this with great gravitas, like he was announcing that a pony just walked on the moon.
A collective groan of disappointment rose from the worshippers, but if the ponies on the stage heard it, then they didn’t care. The stallion just handed back the microphone to Rainbow Dash and jogged off the stage, turning back to tearfully wave at the crowd like he was a beloved sitcom star leaving the show.
Nopony really gave a shit.
“That’s right, we’re getting new speakers! Now you can hear the songs better, and we can create an even more immersive experience for you all to enjoy.”
Rainbow started pacing again, and the crowd quickly got over their disappointment. They stood at rapt attention with their ears risen up, eagerly awaiting the wise words of their leader.
“So, my friends, before we pray, I must tell a tale of Bejeezus. Long ago, when ponies were still separated into tribes, he brought them together. That’s right, he did. And he said for everypony to work together, and they did and now there’s harmony. All from the wise words of our fair Bejeezus. Of course, the Hearth’s Warming Play decides to tell a false narrative. A narrative that excludes our fair Bejeezus. Well, my friends, I am dreterm-deterdin-detrem- hold up. Dreter- determe- dereter- oh Celestia dammit! Dretemmm. Dertdert. Denimretred. Estatic. Determined. Dretimini- oh wait, I said it!”
Rainbow Dash cleared her throat and wiped away the thick line of sweat off her brow. “Well, my friends, I am Deere- dartim- drax- determined. Oh, there we go, determined! Yes, we’re I mean you’re I mean I’m determined to bring some truth to our history. So remember, my friends, don’t follow what they tell you. Stand up, and be your own pony! Make your own decisions! Follow in the steps of our fair Bejeezus, and he will reward you handsomely. Praise Bejeezus!”
“Praise Bejeezus!” The crowd erupted at full volume, issuing forth stomps and cheers. Somepony even tried to whistle but they accidentally bit their tongue and that was it for the day. This time, Rainbow let the cheers grow in volume and vigor. When the crowd began chanting “Bejeezus! Bejeezus!” Twilight Sparkle was pretty sure they could be heard all the way in Griffonstone.
“And now, PRAY!” Rainbow shouted this at full volume, her head raised up to the ceiling and hooves pumping in the air. Then in an instant, she changed. She snapped her head back to the crowd, her face stoic and deeply serious. A slight frown tugged at her lips, and she gave a powerful glare at her loyal worshippers. The crowd, as suddenly as a candle flame is snuffed out, collectively shut up and gazed up at their leader with unending patience.
Then nothing happened. For twenty minutes. Twilight did nothing for several reasons: For one, her ears were still ringing from the yelling; her mind was still feeling disoriented from the foolish number of beers she drank; and a stallion so fat he could be legally classified as two ponies stood in front of her, preventing her from moving further up in the crowd and blocking most of her view of the stage. So for twenty minutes, Twilight just sat there in stunned silence as she waited for something to happen.
Eventually, something did.
Rainbow, who had not changed her expression the entire time, whispered into the mic a simple “Praise be Bejeezus. Now we shall conduct the Holy Screaming.”
And screaming they did. A chorus of hellish screams broke through the room, killing Twilight Sparkle’s eardrums and giving her a much-loathed migraine. It wouldn’t stop, no matter how much the alicorn wished it true. She wanted to leave, she wanted to stop this mess. She needed to get away.
In a great, brilliant purple flash, Twilight whisked herself away, and in less than a second, she was standing right next to Rainbow Dash, who was busy with her own wails.
Twilight stood there, frozen in her own indecisiveness, and watched as Rainbow promptly stopped her screaming and turned to look at her friend. Their eyes locked, and Rainbow’s eyes widened in surprise as she took a step backward.
“Wha.”
It was only that brief period of eye contact, that Twilight needed to figure everything out. The revelation hit Twilight so hard, she swore she was levitating. Even with her drunken mind, she pieced everything all together. It was just so obvious.
Rainbow Dash was wasted.
Twilight saw her friend drunk many times before and understood all the symptoms. Glazed over her eyes; a slight hunch in her shoulders; a constant bead of sweat dripping down her cheek. Rainbow Dash was drunk, and everything made sense now.
Everypony had stopped screaming now, more interested in gazing at the two powerful mares that stood before them. Even the spokespony was staring up at them in awe.
“So…” Rainbow started, but then her mouth suddenly clamped up and it did not open again.
“So… you’re drunk,” Twilight said quite bluntly.
Rainbow Dash made a “Pshhhhhh” sound with her lips and threw a friendly hoof around Twilight’s neck. “Oh Twilight, it’s good to see you. Two weeks too long, that’s what I say.”
“You’re drunk Rainbow Dash.”
“You’re right, my friend. I am drunk…. Drunk on passion!”
“And on alcohol.”
“Yes, that too.”
Twilight shook her head as she pushed her friend away. She sighed. “I knew it. That explains everything.”
“Only a little bit!” Rainbow whined. “Just enough to get me going.”
“Rainbow, you’re spewing nonsense.”
The whole crowd gasped, and Rainbow Dash joined them with her own exasperated sigh. “You question the word of our fair Bejeezus?”
“Yes.”
“That’s sacrilege!”
Twilight would have face hooved if her head didn’t already ache from the migraine. Instead, she settled for an eye roll. Nice, simple, to the point.
“Rainbow Dash, you’ve done nothing but contradict yourself and scream since I’ve seen you. Quite frankly, I think you’re wasting everypony’s time.”
“Noooooo, Twilight,” Rainbow Dash moaned. Her ruby eyes were big now, as innocent as a puppy’s. She was pouting and doing her best to seem unberably cute.
“Rainbow, I don’t like this.”
“Stoooooop Twilight. You’re embarrassing me in front of my friends.”
“Rainbow, you don’t even know what you’re talking about. And now you’re just exploiting the drunkenness of these ponies to spout your drunken nonsense.”
“Hey, I’m not drunk!” A nameless voice called out.
Twilight shrugged. “Okay, mostly drunken ponies.”
“Hey, I’m not drunk either!” Replied another voice.
Just like that, the floodgates were opened.
“I only had one beer!”
“I’m as sober as a sober pony!”
“I’m cool as a cucumber!”
“I’m not drunk, I’m just a little tipsy.”
“I’m pretty drunk.”
“STOP!” Twilight ordered, and everypony immediately quieted down.
“If you’re all sober, why are you listening to this drunk?”
“She’s not drunk, she’s passionate!” The crowd recited.
This time, Twilight did indulge in a face hoof and regretted it immediately. She was seeing stars as she scanned the crowd. She hadn’t realized it before, but most of the worshippers really did seem as dry as a bone. Of course, she couldn’t really see all that well because, well, of her massive headache. But they looked alright from there. None of the stumbling, wasted ponies from over an hour ago were even in attendance.
“Not a good answer. Why are you listening to her ramblings?”
“Because she sounds like she understands things!” One voice cried.
“She speaks the truth!” said another one. “She knows what’s going on when we don’t! She tells us just so!”
Out of the corner of her pained eye, she noticed the spokespony slowly making his way back towards the janitor's closet. She turned on him and gave the best glare she could muster; it was pretty effective. He turned and flinched like he was looking at a lion’s open jaws.
“H-hey, Princess! What it be?”
Twilight was unamused. “Why are you with Rainbow Dash. Answer me, or die.” She wasnt serious, but he didn’t need to know that. His face grew pale at the threat, and his hooves stood in place as if they were frozen in stone.
“Okay, okay! Don’t hurt me, please!” he stammered. “It’s the money, okay? Ponies like her ideas, and they give us money. That’s why... but also, like, praise Bejeezus and stuff.” He gave a very halfhearted attempt at a air pump before booking it towards the janitors closet.
Twilight let him leave, her glare now shifted to the Pegasus, who was doing a terrible job at naturally chuckling.
“What’s up Twi? Long time no see.”
“You’re taking their money? It’s not enough for them to just listen to you spew nonsense?”
Rainbow shook her head. “Well, when you put it like that, then we sound like scammers. But really, we’re just making money off the mac and cheese that the bar sells. Besides, we’re giving it to a good cause.”
Twilight's expression softened at that. “Really? At least there’s one bright side about this whole thing after all. What’s the noble cause?”
“Why, it goes to A Church! of course! How do you think we got those new speakers?”
Twilight didn’t bring back her glare. She just stared at her broadly grinning friend with wide-eyed shock, unbelieving of the filth coming out of her friends mouth.
“I don’t understand. This isn’t you. I don’t even know how this terrible idea could have started.”
Rainbow laughed as she held out her hooves high across either side of her. “Oh Twilight, it started how all ideas start out: as just an idea.”
What Rainbow Dash didn’t tell Twilight was this: the night Twilight left for Canterlot, she got drunk as a skunk at this very bar. There was a standup comedian there, who told such riveting jokes as “my grandma died today. Too bad it’s not my ex-wife!” and “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get hit by a car! Come on, that’s funny, you gotta laugh at that. Come on everypony, please, why aren’t you laughing? I’m funny, please, laugh.” After he left due to sustaining a head injury from a flying beer can, Rainbow Dash, in her drunken state of mind, decided to take a stab at comedy herself. She stunk, but nopony was listening, so it didn’t matter once. Then somepony said “Show me your tits!” and she responded with “How about I let you feel them instead?” The stallion didn’t take her up on her offer; he was a mere prepubescent teen who never even felt the touch of a mare before, so he bolted upon the invitation. But it did bring Rainbow some attention from the other customers, and she decided to talk about things she frankly didn’t understand herself. But everypony seemed to enjoy it, and she was met with cheers and rounds of applause when she stepped off the stage. Before she knew it, she had a church and had gained a loyal following of worshippers in just two weeks. All she had to do was get a little drunk, and she’d find that creative headspace everypony desired. It was also a good place to sell her rainbow macaroni and cheese, an idea she had been meaning to sell for a while. She just had to tweak it to fit it in the whole theme of spiritual enlightenment, and all was good. There was nothing wrong with it if it made ponies feel better about themselves.
So this was the reason for the church and Rainbow’s actions, but she didn’t tell Twilight any of this because she didn’t like to talk to meany-heads.
Twilight shook her head, her eyes clouded with disappointment. “Rainbow, this is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. Maybe the most harmful. You should be ashamed.”
“Hey, don’t be mean to her!” Yelled a caring worshipper. With a flash of magic, they were gone, along with the rest of the crowd, leaving only Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle with her glowing horn.
If only I did that earlier.
“Nooooo, why’d you do that?”
“So, so that we could talk. Me and you, no distractions. Forever, if need be.”
“Where they go?”
Twilight shrugged. “Somewhere. Hopefully they’re close. I’m a little drunk, so I don’t know exactly where.”
“You’re drunk?”
“What? Nooooooooo.”
“Nononononono, you drunk. We, we both drunk.”
“But you, you bad drunk. You gotta close the church.”
“I don’t wanna.”
“It’s stupid.”
“You’re stupid.”
“Stop the church.”
“But ponies like what I say.”
“Only because you sound smart. I don’t think they really care about the words, just that you're the one that says them.”
“Nooooooo, you lie.”
“No.”
“No?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“Listen Rainbow, I’m gonna tell Celestia if you don’t shut this down. She wouldn’t be happy, I’m sure.”
“Noooo, I don’t wanna get in trouble.”
“Then stop the church. Don’t take ponies money. Don’t tell them things that sound nice only at the surface level. Be better. Be Rainbow Dash.”
Rainbow Dash looked vacantly around the room as she processed Twilights words, as if waiting for somepony to give their own opposing opinion. When nopony showed up to give any such opinion, Rainbow sighed and hung her head in shame. For the first time in two weeks, Rainbow Dash had come to her senses.
“Fine. I guess… as long as I can still sell my macaroni and cheese.”
“Nopony gives a fuck about your macaroni and cheese.”
“Twilight! Use your words, not your language. Also, everypony wanted a piece of my pie. Or pasta.”
“Yeah, because they thought it would put them in a hot tub.”
“Well, that, sure. But also because it’s delicious! Here, try some.”
“I don’t want any.” Rainbow didn’t hear, or maybe she just didn’t care. She was already digging through the inside pocket of her suit. She finally pulled forth a hot, steaming cup of rainbow macaroni and cheese.
“You kept that thing in there the whole time? How is it even still hot?” Twilight said, eyeing the cup suspiciously.
Rainbow nodded. “Yes. Now eat it.”
“No.”
“Do it. It won’t help you get in the mystical hot tub with Bejeezus, but it will blow your mind with its wide range of flavors.” Rainbow took a step forward.
“I said no.” Twilight took a step back, then fell off the stage right on her back. She began flailing her hooves wildly in the air, but when Rainbow made no movement to help her back up, she let the, sprawl at her sides.
“Oof.”
“Eat the pasta.”
“Okay, fine.”
-
“And if you read the notes I have provided you, I think you’ll find great promise in this project. Advertising-wise, I’ll be my own spokespony. My worldwide recognition should be enough to sell a fortune. And hey, if we make a profit, I think we can expand our line of products. I already have a white cheddar sauce in the works, and we can even add breadcrumbs later on. So, what do you say?”
The agent closed the Manila folder and slid it across his desk, over to the rainbow-maned pony.
“I like it. This is a very interesting product you got here. The sample you brought me tasted phenomenal, and I love your marketing strategy. With endorsements from both of you, I think this could make a real tear on the shelves.”
He then turned his look to the alicorn sitting next to the pegasus.
“What do you think, Princess?”
Twilight Sparkle smiled and leaned back comfortably in her seat.
“I think we have something here.”
