Of ponies, CEOs and endless ammunition

by The_0b5erver

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna, Anon, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Science Fiction, Royal Guard
Length: 15253

Following an unforseen accident, a CEO from a dystopian future winds up in a world very different from his own. It's not all bad news however, as he still holds a pretty big bargaining chip when it comes to his position in the hierarchy of this land.

From everyday tasks to world ending crisis solving, a lot of things can be shaken up with the addition of a high-tech firearm wielding sociopath, who claims to have once led an empire. Despite the overall weirdness of the situation, there is only one question that lacks any sort of an answer:

Why does a glorified salesman have more experience in direct combat and weapon crafing than he does in running a business?

Whatever the case may be, the only thing the ruler of Equestria wants is a day without news of him inciting mass hysteria in the population. At this point, she might just about start funding his questionable ventures if it means she can catch a break from property damage reports.

Published 2022-07-20 18:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-07-20 18:50:01 UTC

High impact initial contact

This was a fairly normal night for princess Luna.

Reviewing the few papers addressed to her, banishing nightmares and attending to other small tasks. Right now, she was in the middle of that second activity, suspended in the dreamscape, not moving an inch.

Now, you may be wondering, why was the princess of the night standing still and not making any progress on her duties? Well, the answer was quite simple.

She could hear whistling.

It was a pretty cheerful tune; she could imagine it playing during the early hours of the night as some modern establishments opened to welcome patrons inside.

There however was a problem.

There were only two ways she could hear this whistling, not counting the obvious “going insane” explanation. Option A was if she took somepony out of their dream and into the dreamscape with her, which she hasn’t, so this was not the case.

The other option was a lot more concerning, as it meant that the whistling was coming from the real world.

The real world, in which Luna sat at her desk, with guards posted outside of the only door to her room, which by the way, was locked. There was another entrance to her room, that being from the balcony, but to get to it a pony would have to scale the walls of the castle for a good couple hours, during which they surely would have been noticed by the patrolling pegasi.

There must have been a reasonable explanation to this, but Luna just couldn’t find it. It could have been her sister playing a prank on her, however she knew that it wasn’t, as she saw Celestia’s dream bubble just a couple minutes ago. It was a calm blu-ish grey colour, signifying that the alicorn was in a deep sleep, which in conjunction with seeing the state she was in when heading off to bed eliminated any doubt. But if not Celestia, then who?

The simple tune made it extremely hard to think for some reason. It was half whispered, reminding Luna of how she herself would half-mindedly mimic the especially catchy songs she heard, while reading through especially long and boring documents.

Luna shook her head trying to drown out the tune as much as she could. That of course, didn’t help much, as her physical body remained still regardless of her actions in the realm of dreams.

Could it be a member of her guard? Seeing a bat pony on the way to see the princess of the night wouldn’t exactly be suspicious, and there wasn’t yet a system in place through which the royal guard could communicate with their lunar counterpart to find out who was supposed to be where, so it's not impossible to imagine that even a rookie could make an uncontested landing on her balcony. To do that however, the rookie would need a reason, and a strong one at that.

A lot of things changed over the hundreds of years Luna spent on the moon, and with no way to observe what exactly was transpiring down on the planet, she continued to hold on to the values of her time. Upon her return, it turned out that Equestria no longer had to contest its land with a dozen different kingdoms, so her battle commander attitude heavily contrasted with the general sentiment of the population. That, in combination with what she did to deserve her banishment, meant that her public image wasn’t the best, even among her guards. Actually, scratch that, we might as well call things by their name.

Ponies were terrified of her. Even the guards regularly posted at her chamber’s door sighed in relief after she passed by them. This fear was universal, so if a guard really did show up at her personal quarters, he must be motivated by quite a substantial prize. Seeing as she hasn’t really engaged with her soldiers, she might have missed them crowdfunding a reward for whoever dared to directly interact with her outside of what their duty required…

But there was a much simpler and more realistic explanation:

Not everyone was happy with the change in how the kingdom was run. The very few weeks of her taking over her nightly duties saw multiple attacks on both her and her sister. Luckily, none of them were successful.

Until now.

This was it. The only explanation that made sense. As soon as this thought registered in Luna’s mind, her years of training and combat experience wrestled control away from any other parts of her brain. Abstract ideas arranged themselves into a list, which was then analysed to try and devise a plan of action.

The attacker was not a unicorn, as the balconies were enchanted to block teleportation spells, and an earth pony would never make it up without being spotted. A changeling’s voice would not sound so smooth, and any other species would be too out of place for an infiltration like this.

That only left pegasi and bat ponies. Both species shared the same battle characteristics: lighter frame, more agile, and able to go airborne. These qualities however, would not assist much in a fight against an alicorn, which meant that something else had to be at play.

Magic suppression? That would most definitely limit her capabilities, however seeing as it worked both ways, her opponent would be left with no other option except for hoof to hoof combat, and taking in account her physique, she would win even if she only had one hundredth of her training, so this wasn’t it.

Could it be a magical weapon of some sorts? Definitely could be, but if that’s the case, why did he not use it already? Once she is conscious, there is nearly no spell that would pass her magical defences, so letting her know about an incoming attack would make the assassin's job a whole lot harder.

Oh. Oh no. She needed to end this train of thought quickly, as trying to find logic in an attack on the pony responsible for holding up the moon and stars in the sky would do nothing more than return her to square one and leave her even more confused.

There was a winged pony on her balcony.
He was, by whatever means, armed to face off against her.
Those were all the details she needed to know in order to concentrate on creating a plan of action.

So, what were her options? The obvious two were to run or fight. If she chose to run, she could go for the door, which apart from getting her out of the room would also immediately provide her with support in form of the two guards, but in order for that to come to fruition she would have to open it.

Usually opening a lock wouldn’t be a problem, however the lock in question was a custom made, magic proof marvel of Equestrian engineering. One that would only unlock when presented with the horseshoe on her front right hoof. There was no way she could stand up, turn around, get to the door and unlock it without intervention from whoever was on her balcony.

Alternatively, she could try charging straight ahead, in an attempt to escape from the balcony. This option carried a lot more risk than the last, from the danger that comes with closing in to the opponent, to the fact that in aerial combat her alicorn size would be a disadvantage, the added mass meaning the lighter pony would be far superior in both speed and mobility. Still, once she was out of the room, there were hundreds of possibilities, most of which benefited her.

That seemed to be all for running.

Fighting was pretty self explanatory, though she couldn’t formulate an exact plan until she knew what exactly she was up against.

What else was there to consider? Ah, that’s right, the magic emergency signal. In order to send it out, she would have to forfeit the ability to attack or defend immediately, but having half of the guards on duty dispatched to her immediate location was definitely worth it.

Now, there was one last thing to address. The voice. She heard this voice before.

But no, it must have been just a coincidence, there was no way in the world that it could have been him.

She however didn’t get to come up with an alternative to who it was, as the first verse of the song sounded, confirming her suspicions.

“She fell asleep, paperwork unfinished,
Forgetting to close her bay access door,”

Even before her eyes opened, her horn was aflame with magic, relaying the distress signal to dozens of guard posts around the castle.

“And in her dreams she saw many a soul diminish,”

She scrambled from her sitting position, immediately assuming a low battle stance.

“But only awoke to the boy on her floor!”

The haze in her eyes finally dissipated and the world came into focus.

There, laying on the thick balcony railing was the human.
He was wearing different clothes, his hair was ruffled and he now sported an even stubble on the lower part of his face, but it was most definitely him. He was stretching out the Os in “floor”, while striking a pose: one leg up in the air, head tilted back and holding a canister of some sort as if it was a microphone. Once he ran out of air he swung around, facing her directly while pulling off his dark tinted glasses and spinning them around a finger in one practised motion.

“This, is a great song. Not gonna do the entirety of it though, cause it gets really graphic about them… well, heh… doing what young people do best.”

The princesses’ horn glowed, as a shape began to form next to her head.

For a time now he suspected that despite looking innocent they could do something like this. After all, if something can be weaponized, then given time, it will be.

He honestly expected some sort of a charge up sound to accompany the attack, which it did, but it was way quicker than what he was imagining. Now that he thought about it, it would be pretty logical that a bigger horse would have more magic, though then again, this world has taught him to disregard any and all logical reasoning as soon as magic was mentioned in any capacity, so he hasn’t given any of it much thought.

There was a second problem, which was the fact that he didn’t expect to be met with a magic missile of doom in the first place. Sure, he accounted for the possibility of the situation escalating but he was really hoping that she would at least hear him out beforehand.

These two surprises meant that currently he was completely in the open, with all weapons stowed and the glasses which housed his HUD being nowhere close to his head, while in front of him a telepathic horse princess charged up a magic barrage.

Yeah... He’s had a substantial amount of training in a whole lot of different areas, and although none covered this exact situation, a common theme was present throughout all of it: You do not want a massive, sharp looking projectile pointed at you, regardless of who you're facing off against.

With that being all the useful informaton his mind could muster, he pulled himself together and utilised the standard close quarters tactical manoeuvre commonly known as 'physically hide from your problem until you can figure out what the fuck you are supposed to do or it solves itself'.

Throwing himself off the railing and towards the safe spot created by the rise of a massive bed, which occupied most of the room, he hit the floor a bit too hard resulting in a near total loss of momentum. That was instantly corrected by his mobility improvement kit, the thruster burst of which yanked him to his intended destination, and away from the impact of a magic missile, which shattered the floor mere centimetres away from where his feet were.

A beep from the control unit signified a change in the status of one or more pieces of equipment. During his dive for cover the glasses went off flying further into the room, but he didn’t need a HUD to know exactly what this signal meant.

Climbing all the way up here put quite a strain on the thruster fuel reserves, and this final push left them completely dry, which meant a 5 minute time window during which he could forget about any and all strategies requiring non-human movement or speed.

Those strategies included his planned escape route of jumping off the balcony and aiming for the pond in the gardens below, whereupon the thrusters would be used to slow the fall to the point of it classifying as a daring escape and not a suicide. Following that he would sprint back to the breach in the castle perimeter, collect his robe for identity concealment and disappear into the dark twisty side streets of the city.

Now however, none of that could happen and if anything went wrong, which it already has, he would be stranded until positive that he had his gear back in play.

Giving a nervous chuckle at this development, he pulled a heavy revolver out of its holster.

Not wanting to harm any creature before he got his footing in this kingdom but having anticipated a confrontation at some point, he preloaded it with taser rounds, so at least there wasn’t going to be a need to reload in these conditions.

Still, that was far from the end of his troubles, as he didn’t want to shoot directly at the princess.

Granted, taser rounds did superficial damage, but any damage would be enough to ruin the story of “I was just standing to the side, doing nothing, seeing nothing and you won’t prove otherwise cause you don’t have evidence, fucko” he would pull in case things went south.

With direct shots being phased out the only option left was trying to chain a current between two taser charges. Letting his head drop, he straightened his hand out under the bed and took aim at the area in front of four dark blue hooves. Pulling the trigger, the first taser charge embedded itself into the floor.

Now, the second charge was going to require a lot more work, as it would need to be positioned on the wall behind the princess. Usually this wouldn’t pose a problem, he’d pop up, fire the round, drop back down and be done with it, but currently that plan would miserably fail at the first step as following the bang of the taser round being fired, his hiding position has been targeted with what can be best described as magical suppressive fire.

He was gonna have to get creative here. Spinning the revolver a couple times he lightly tossed it over to a thin manipulator arm which stretched from behind his back. With both hands now free, he pulled out the second tool at his disposal. Cycling the shotgun with a satisfying clack, he once again took aim, this time for a direct hit.

The shotgun kicked back with a deafening bang, but seemingly no other effect.

“Ah, scheisse-”

Did he really just forget what ammunition type he loaded earlier? One day, this was going to cost him more than just a reload and a curse. He was just thankful it was a concussion round and not a spitfire.

Being in the middle of a conflict scenario wasn’t a reason to forgo proper manners, so while ejecting the spent cartridge he called out over the bed:

“Sorry about that!”

The only answer he got was the bed jerking towards him, as an extra powerful spell smashed into it.

Another mechanical appendage snaked its way under his arm to pass him the round he needed. Loading it, he once again took aim and pulled the trigger.

This time instead of instantly sending sparks flying, the shotgun split down the length of the barrel, allowing additional parts to unfold from its frame. The whining noise it made as power surged through its complex system was vaguely similar to the sound with which the magic spears warped into existence, which judging by the sudden panicked stumbling of hooves was noticed by the princess of the night as well. At this point however, there was nothing she could do. The whine reached its apex and the gun discharged a wave of energy with a low bass.

Luna saw the side of the bed closest to her jump up into the air before her hooves were swiped from under her and she felt her back heartily smack into a wall, immediately followed up with gravity taking its course and roughly returning her to the floor.

Snapping her head back towards the bed, she saw the human at full height, one hand holding a smoking mess of wires and tubes which was quickly assembling itself back together, while the other reached for the handgun, suspended behind him by thin metal arms.

Thinking quickly, she ignited her horn and pushed the weapon away before he could get a solid grip on it. Slipping past his fingers it clacked to the ground behind him.

“OH COME ON!” Was the immediate half-angry, half-pleading response.

Looks like she found a winning strategy. Igniting her horn once again, she went for the device in his other hand. It looked a lot heavier, so she decided to pull instead of pushing. Seeing as this time the element of surprise was absent, the human managed to keep his grip.

Not getting the desired result, Luna decided to just pull harder.

Hm. This was surprisingly difficult.

All she needed to do however, was just pull harder until she got what she wanted.

At this point the human was leaning back considerably, his feet scraping along the floor as he was pulled forward.
No, something was definitely not right here. Just how much did that thing weigh?

With a final increase in power, Luna managed to finally twist the weapon out of his arms, but as it flew up, she spotted the reason for its unproportional weight.

Stretching from the human’s belt, there was a sturdy looking chain. A chain which was supporting his entire weight as he was lifted into the air and flung forward, following the trajectory of the gun.

A spark went off in her mind.
She was pulling the gun with all her strength, intending to let it fly over her head.
The human was suspended just below the gun.

She just put him on a direct collision course with her head.

Once this realisation struck home, Luna did the first thing that came to mind: letting the telepathic field drop.

Now, here’s the thing about snap decisions: they often overlook obvious problems that will arise from going through with whatever your mind suggests. At first glance letting go was the logical choice, but right now, Luna’s decision resulted in an unguided, screaming human projectile hurtling towards her, with its speed no longer limited by magic.

As the human’s legs connected with Luna’s chest, she found herself gasping for breath. Fractions of a second later, the hefty mass of the gun connected with the top of her head, but did so at an angle that resulted in it bouncing off, and coming to a stop a couple centimetres later, as it reached its final destination at the human’s forehead.

Luna’s hind legs gave way and the human fell backwards, both of them fighting their bodies for the right to stay conscious. About half a minute worth of panting and head shaking later, they were once again looking at each other, though now neither party looked sure of its success.

Luna was the first one to make a move, going for a punch with a front hoof.

Well, punch might have been a bit of an exaggeration. With how much energy was behind it, the description of an “aggressive caress” would be a lot more fitting.

The human on his part, responded with an equally damaging left hook, which did little more than brush Luna’s mane out of her eyes.

Losing her balance she stumbled forward, and he went for a grab counter attack, wrapping his arms around her neck and wrenching to the side as hard as he could.

Seeing as the night princess was a horse that stood on four legs and outclassed him by weight heavily, it's safe to say this approach wasn’t exactly effective.

After a moment of them standing there, him still trying to tackle Luna to the ground, while she tried to pry him off without falling over, he seemingly gave up.

“Just… Fall… Already…”

He managed to get out between sucking in air, as he leaned on the princess for balance.

“We… Shall not… Yield…”

Came an equally winded reply as she lowered her head, causing his hands to slip off. The sudden change in weight distribution caused her to lose balance, and not being able to move her hooves fast enough, she ended up on the floor as well.

Looking up, she saw that he was already on the move, crawling towards the bed.

“Fight with dignity, fiend!” she called out.

“Fuck off psycho, if you just gave me a minute we wouldn’t have to fight at all!” was the reply from the human who was half way through the process of standing up.

Having hoisted himself up with the help of a bedside table, he turned around to see the princess closing in, horn aimed directly at his neck.
With no real options, he fell onto the bed and rolled a couple times, ending up in the centre of the massive mattress.

Luna clambered up, throwing herself forward, and before he had the chance to move there were two thick equine legs on each side of him, cutting off any further movement possibilities. He felt his torso being lifted from the bed, and moving his eyes upwards saw his tie in the princesses mouth.

After a couple of seconds Luna felt him go limp as he accepted his defeat.

“ALRIGHT, alright, you got me. Now can we pleAAAUGHASE MOTHERFU- AAAGH!”

Huh. That was weird. However, as Luna’s brain turned the details of the last second or two, reasoning for it became incredibly clear. Once he stopped struggling, she decided to drop her flank, which apart from allowing her to rest, would keep him pinned to the bed without her having to put in much work.

As she plopped down, she felt an uncomfortably cold and blocky object press against her body.

The gun. It was perfectly centred between her and the human’s hips.

Given his voice and appearance, it was quite logical to assume that he was a stallion, and if his basic biology wasn’t too different from a pony’s, it would mean that the area on which the gun was currently applying her entire weight was…

The door smashed open and with a war cry, guards began pouring in. The enthusiasm however, quickly faded as those who made it into the room first took in the scene in front of them:

On the bed, a ruffled looking princess of the night, with her wings stiff and no crown on her head, was straddling a human, whose hands were grasping her flanks. His eyes were wide as he was partially suspended in the air by his tie, which Luna held in her mouth.

What in Tartarus did they just walk into?

Luna let go of the tie, allowing the human to drop down, which elicited a whine from him.

“This… Isn’t what it looks like.”

She had a feeling that this wasn’t a good thing to say in this situation, but it was the only option her mind presented her with.

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET OFF PLEASE!!” Came a shriek from under her. “I GIVE UP, I PROMISE TO DO ANYTHING YOU TELL ME TO, JUST GET OFF!!”

The moment she lifted off the bed the human was gone. She swore she never saw anything move that fast, as her eyes simply failed to register how he made his way over to the side of the bed, instead only catching a glimpse of him rolling off.

Shuffling off the matress and making her way around the corner she found him rolled up on the floor, breathing deeply and whispering something to himself.

Looking over to the guards, she saw that a couple managed to retain their composure, but most were either facing away while blushing deeply, or looked at the display with their mouths wide open.

Making eye contact with a guard who seemed to be keeping himself together, she flicked her eyes over to the shape on the floor and then back to him. Although looking unsure, he lowered his spear and approached the human, but before he was able to do anything else his target called out to him.

“Hey, hey, hey listen, can we just speak for a second? No ranks, no affiliation, just dude to dude conversation.” Not giving the guard a chance to reply, he continued “I just had the entirety of THAT” he vaguely gestured in Luna's direction “sit on me, and I don't mean it in a good way. Take a second, and imagine what I am going through right now, alright?”

It was subtle, but she definitely saw the guard wince and adjust his posture, bringing his hind legs closer together.

“I am in no shape to resist, so just please, be huma… horsane? ponane? Ah forget it, just don’t be a dick.”

The guard turned to Luna, a questioning look on his face. She honestly didn't know what to say. On one hand an intruder should be detained as soon as possible, but on the other he did sound like he was in a great deal of pain.

Sensing that a decision was being weighed up, the human spoke once again.

“Alright, I understand what you’re thinking, I really do, so let’s cut a deal. You give me a second to compose myself, and I will follow you into the dungeon torture chamber or whatever it is you prepared for me, and answer any and all questions you have. Sound good?”

Luna didn’t really see a way for this to get out of hoof, so she gave a curt nod to the guard, who raised his spear and stood at attention.

"Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you..."

His voice trailed off as he sat up, leaning against the side of the bed; which allowed her to take a proper look at him.

He was wearing a suit, which was accented with strips of crimson heavy duty material that would look a lot more fitting on a repair pony's tool belt. The bottom parts of his legs and arms were covered in some sort of armour, the worn paint and a few deep scratches suggesting that it has seen action in the past. Despite this, he somehow regained a formal look. Maybe it was the white gloves? Or maybe the attitude?

Luna felt herself tense up as he reached behind his back. The guards must have noticed it, as there suddenly were a dozen spears pointed at him.

"Hey, relax! It's just something for the pain." He quipped, throwing his six hands into the air. Well, if the thin, metal, claw-like appendages could be considered as hands then it would be six, otherwise it was the normal two.

"Say human, what are these... arms you have coming from your back?"

"At-ta-ta princess, remember our agreement: A minute of peace, then tourture chamber, then all questions answered."

Luna opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again. Something told her it was pointless to argue on this.

With the guards back to their original position, he once again reached behind his back, producing a small tube of some sort. Positioning it over his leg, he winced as he pushed down and held it there for a couple seconds.

"Ah, now that's the stuff"

Whatever he did must have been really effective, as any and all strain was gone from his voice.

"I'm nearly ready, just wanna have one final stretch" he announced, flipping onto his knees and leaning forward until his forehead was touching the floor.

Something is wrong.

Luna's eyes were wide open as her fur stood on end.
She knew this feeling. Every soldier who has been out in the battlefield knew it. Distant, muted, but oh so persistent, it was as if your instincts talked to you directly, highlighting a small patch of colour out of place, or an unfamiliar scent on the wind.

Right now, that tiny voice was dragging her attention towards a sound. It was so quiet that her own breathing nearly drowned it out, but it was most definitely there.

Was it a beep?

And then something else occurred to her:

She couldn't see his hands.

Clack-clack

The world slipped into slow motion as the adrenaline in her blood finally kicked in, but as she moved forwards it became obvious it was too late.

She could see his body unfolding from its original position as an orange glow emanated from the armour on his forearms, the metal heating up in a fraction of a second.

No, no, no, there must be something she can do, however little time there is.

With a burst of flames he is pulled from the kneeling position, and further up into the air. All Luna can do is look on as the human gracefully twists around, aligning the barrel of the gun with her head.

But what disturbs her most is the expression on his face. A smile. A smile of genuine happiness and bliss. She saw that smile before, and she knows what it precedes.

Shouts. The sound of clashing metal. Violent crackle of electricity. It all sounds so distant, but so close. Luna’s head is pounding as she blinks away the bright spots in her vision.

Everything is blurry. She can see flashes, but they don’t look like magic. A dark cloud is quickly rolling in from the side of her vision. Smoke? But where from?

What is going on? She was sitting at her desk, concerned about something… No, someone.

A force pushes her forward, and she can feel clean air entering her lungs.

Someone bad. She remembers seeing them before. He was dangerous. So dangerous that if she saw him she’d have to strike before asking questions.

The smoke clears and she can see dark blue, dotted with little shiny lights. Outside. That’s where she is. It’s beautiful.

Wait… She already did it. She fought him. Fought him and won.

Another push topples her over something, and she suddenly feels very light. All sounds are washed away by the whistling of the wind.

But if she won, what was happening to her now? Something, no, everything went wrong.

That smile…

Suddenly it all came rushing back, the world snapping into focus as her mind finally processed the ground rushing up towards her at a terrifying speed. Throwing open her wings she became aware of a substantial pressure on her back, as her sudden change in aerodynamics amplified the perceived weight ten fold.

Something grabbed her left wing and forced it closed, sending everything back into a spin.

Ground,

Sky,

Ground,

Sky,

Ground-

Splash.

She was dragged through the slimy layer of algae at the bottom of the pond as water poured into her mouth, threatening to choke her.

Finally catching her footing she pushed up towards the surface glistening with moonlight above. Her body was failing, movements sloppy and weak as the muscles fought to keep working without an oxygen supply.

Just… need… to go up… a little further…

With a gasp she broke free of the cold water’s hold, scrambling to get to shore as quickly as possible. As soon as her front hooves touched the ground, she collapsed, not even bothering to get out of the water fully.

“Dumb ass COW!”

The human forcefully flipped her over, grabbing her head and bringing it uncomfortably close to his, so that she had no choice but to look into his eyes.

“You have wings, so why don’t you use them properly when it’s fucking needed?!”

Luna could hear every word, but none of them compared to the dressing down she was receiving in her own head.

You failed Luna. Not for the first time either; remember Nightmare Moon? That’s right Luna, this is the exact same situation.

“hey”

You knew a great evil was coming, and what did you do? Lock it away in your head like a bad memory. Perhaps the thousand years on the moon didn’t teach you anything after all. But don't worry, this time you won’t get to hide away from the consequences.

“Hey!”

You will stand and watch what this monster does to your subjects, your friends. Even your enemies do not deserve what is coming for them, and all of it will be on you and your ignora-

“HEY!”

The shout snaps Luna out of her internal rant, suddenly making her aware of the tears building in her eyes.

“Don’t zone out on me, ok? Listen, I may have gone a bit too far, I admit. You haven’t done that badly, I’m just a bit pissed about nearly dying, that’s all”

She… doesn’t know what to say. All the emotions, scratches and bruises become so much more pronounced as the adrenaline fades, leaving her confused, hurt and freezing. The first tear makes it down her cheek.

“Tch, fucking hell. Come here.”

With a small scowl, the human leans forward and wraps his hands around her neck in a hug. She wants to fight, to run, to scream, but she knows it will all be in vain, so she leans forward and rests her head on his shoulder.

After a couple moments he shifts, turning his mouth towards her ear.

“Right then, I actually keep my word so here’s the synopsis: We’re gonna stay like this for a bit, then you’ll call off the guards and then I’m gonna have a nice, long talk with you and we'll get all questions answered”

Revelatory introductions

Anon stood in the Everfree grotto - a side room used for negotiation between different species.

It feels like years since he last stepped foot in here, though he knows it couldn’t have been more than 4 months.

Seeing as his arrival was basically the opposite of giving a good first impression, he spent many hours in this room during the first week in Equestria, explaining all that he could to try and clear his name. Surprisingly enough he succeeded in that endeavour but that meant that as the first month came to a close, he lost his status of a novelty alien creature and was told to get lost, albeit in a softer manner.

Walking out after hearing that, he was certain that it would be the last he’ll be seeing of this place, and as months passed by, his belief was only reinforced.

It was tough. Really tough at first. Sleeping on the streets, relying on the empathy of local residents for food and going weeks without a change of clothes. Some nights he even considered taking up the offers of working as a model, but he powered through in the end. There was no way on Earth… sorry, no way on Equus he was going to volunteer himself as a freak show centrepiece.

Ultimately, it worked out in the end. He got picked up by an owner of a workshop in the small industrial part of town, and started work as a carpenter. It wasn’t the most interesting or fulfilling job, neither did it pay extremely well, but Anon enjoyed it nonetheless, seeing as a roof above his head and a good meal was all he wanted from life.

Wake up, work until evening, maybe pop by the library to check out a book - that was his daily routine and he was perfectly content with it. There’s nothing worse than an overly complicated life, he told himself. I like it simple.

Returning to the present, his intuition told him that this, whatever it was, isn’t going to be simple.

Well, he knew that was the case before entering this room, seeing as he was awakened in the middle of the night by some guards knocking down his door and demanding that he report to the castle immediately, but the sheer magnitude of ‘not simple’ he was dealing with only just started to set in.

There was another human in the room.

He already rubbed his eyes and asked the guard who escorted him here to step on his toes to confirm that he wasn’t dreaming, and surprisingly enough it didn’t feel like he was, though maybe it was Luna was pulling a fire prank on him, so he tampered his expectations until he could find out more.

Looking around the room, he spotted the aforementioned Luna, looking rather dishevelled as she whispered something to her sister, who would snap her head upwards and attempt to take a step towards the new human every so often, but would get instantly pulled back to another burst of whispering.

The radiant three - a trio of Celestia’s favourite guards were also present, though only two were standing on the ground. The third guard was firmly pressed up against the human’s chest, and was most likely the subject of the conversation happening between the two parties.

“For the last time, slavery is illegal in Equestria, you cannot purchase a guard!”

“Alright but what if, on a purely theoretical level, he wasn’t a guard?”

“Still no! You cannot buy sentient creatu-”

The guard was cut off, as he was blasted with a handful of bits, which was fairly odd, seeing as the human used both his hands to hold the pony he was bartering over.

Oh... Anon could see a third arm coming from a weird, solid-looking backpack on the newcomer’s back. Having tossed the money, it made a rude gesture before retracting back into its original position, restoring the immaculate metal surface of the device.

Now that he paid more attention to the figure, it was quickly becoming apparent that there was a lot more to this than he originally thought.

There were more arms strutting out of the pack, though these ones were more like what he would expect a robot arm to look like: thin and ending with a tri-point claw. Two of those were firmly placed on his hips in a confident pose, another one was scratching the back of his head and the last one was lazily rotating around with seemingly no purpose.

The other detail which obviously jumped out were the armour pieces on his forearms and lower legs, which looked like they were ripped straight from Halo or some other futuristic shooter. Anon could swear that he saw rocket booster grills on them… Hold the fuck up, was he wearing all that on top of a suit?

“Ah Anonymous, thank you for gracing us with your presence. I do not think I need to explain that the situation at hand is an… unusual one”

Celestia’s voice was soft and royal as always, however he could not deny that there was a certain strain behind it. There were very few things that could get to the ruler of Equestria, so whatever happened must have been pretty serious.

Swallowing nervously, Anon replied in the most concise and to the point manner he could.

“Uhhhh.. Yeaaaah…”

Oh this was just great. Why must his brain be hardwired to shut off whenever he needed it most?

There was a clop as the guard landed on the floor, discarded by the human who now turned to look in his direction.

“Oh finally! Is this all? Can we start talking now? Fucking hell, I can’t believe how much time I’ve wasted waiting. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s great to see another human in this pastel purgatory but ho-ly shit buddy, you sure took your time”

Anon’s brain was torn between shooting back with some smart ass remark and having a bomb ass celebration at hearing some proper swearing. The horse based profanity of this place has been driving him insane since day one.

Before he managed to decide what to commit to, Princess Celestia answered for him.

“Yes, we are ready to begin talks now. Please sit”

The table had only four chairs, two on each side. Celestia and Luna took the ones further away from the door, leaving Anon to sit next to the second ever human in Equestria.

Having accepted that he will never see another one of his kind multiple months ago, this was an emotional rollercoaster like no other. Anon was practically drowning in questions, but as hard as he tried to pick the one to ask, his mind just couldn't form a proper thought, so he just sat down in silence.

“So then, I believe introductions are in order. I am not sure how much you know about the way the human world operates, so I will first introduce myself to the member of my species so that he can help me explain any concepts in terminology you are familiar with, should the need arise.”

Turning to him, the new human raised his hand in a salute, lips slightly curled up in a smile

“John Doe, Chief executive officer of Dross mining. BasDef, Int. gathering and spec. communication specialisations go without saying. Technically I am also the acting commander of the SRI agency, and captain of the Leviathan and Burevestnik, that's HU-27 and LAD-1204 respectively. All of that’s formalities though, just call me Johnny”

‘Fucking what?’ Was what Anon wanted to say, however what came out of his mouth was:

“Anonymous, Carpenter at The Canterlot oaks” as he extended his hand for a shake

Instead of accepting the gesture, Johnny laughed.

“Ehhhh, no. Do it once again, but properly”

He emphasised the last word, and although nothing about his demeanour changed, Anon suddenly felt like he did something wrong.

“What do you mean?”

The clicking and whirring of mechanical arms as they entered his field of view was for some reason causing him to break a sweat.

“Well for starters, do you honestly believe me to take ‘Anonymous’ as an answer for your name?”

“It is my name”

In a flash, Anon was looking down the barrel of a gun.

“You are a funny guy, but not to the point where doing the same joke twice is going to be plausible. Either think of a new one, or ya know, what's even better - tell the truth”

“I- I am-”

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he felt cogs turning as they churned over the foggy memory of talking to Luna in a dream a couple of days ago.

She was for some reason interested in learning about human weaponry, more specifically firearms. That dream was so bizarre he wrote it off as just another creation of his mind, but could it be that Luna and him actually had that talk?

“Right, you know what, fine. You can keep your name, I would have forgotten it by now anyway. How about you tell me where you are from instead?”

Alright, this one was simple, surely he couldn’t mess this up.

“USA”

He saw Johnny’s eyebrows move upward in an exaggerated ‘Oh really?’ gesture.

“USA? Like, the United States of America?”

“Yes”

“Like, USA the country?”

“Yes?”

A theory was slowly, but surely forming in Anon’s head.

“You do realise that when I said to think of another joke I didn’t actually mean it? Your previous allegiance matters little now, so just spit the truth out and we can get on with this”

Breathing deeply, he replied trying to sound as calm as possible “I am telling the truth”

“You are friggin' lying right to my face kiddo, and I don't appreciate you doing it!”

Anon couldn’t keep a level head anymore, his emotions now taking control

“What the fuck is your problem?!”

“No, what the fuck is your problem?! Ju- Fuckin- Out of all the cover stories you could pick, you chose the least believable one! Take a moment, listen to yourself: 'Oooh look at me, I'm from a country!'. How's life at over 120 years old, huh grandpa?!"

The room went quiet as they glared at each other.

In his head, Anon’s theory was being finalised using the information he just heard. Finally once he was confident that he had his ideas in order, he decided to break the silence.

“Alright John, I know this will sound like the most pathetic, unbelievable excuse in the entire world, but it’s the only one that makes any sense in my head. I think... You are from the future, at least in relation to me. I don’t know how to prove it to you, but I really have been telling the truth”

Tensing up, he watched the other human’s finger tighten on the trigger for a couple of seconds, until with a sigh the man finally lifted the gun away, weighing it up in his hand.

“You know Anonymous, I should shoot you right here and now. I really should, but I won’t. Maybe it's the magic horse land bullshit rubbing off on me. But don't think I'm taking my eyes off you. One wrong move and I promise, I’ll show you every single non-lethal experience worse than death in quick succession”

There was a soft cough from the other side of the table “I will not pretend that I have any idea as to what is happening, but if you don’t mind we have other matters to discuss”

Oh, that’s right. In the heat of the moment Anon completely forgot about the two princesses sitting across from them.

Having holstered his revolver, Johnny sat down and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“Alright first of all, what has Anonymous actually told you about… the human… world…” His voice trailed off, and he inhaled sharply through his teeth “Ooooooh… schei-sse”

Yeah, if his comment about countries not existing for 120 years was true, it would most likely mean that any and all information Anon has cobbled together from the memories of his monotone life was beyond outdated.

“So, I don’t know if you caught the gist of the confrontation me and Anonymous had, but to summarise: we suspect that I may be from way past his time. This means that despite the basics staying the same, we actually come from very different worlds”

Not receiving a reply, he continued “Have you ever discussed the concept of corporations? They are big businesses spanning multiple sectors, however in my world the scale of ‘big’ has been redefined significantly. The best comparison I can make is that a corporation from my time is a kingdom, much like your own. It has its own guards, drafts its own laws and it is led by its king. That king is the CEO, and the CEO is me”

Oh wow, a future in which the world is led by evil mega corporations. However cynical Anon wanted to be, he couldn’t deny the slight feeling of dread he felt at the realisation that the guy who held a gun to his head not a minute ago had been in charge of, as he put it himself, a kingdom.

“My name and rank is all you need to know for now, anything else will have to be explained through hours of history lessons. Now, I already know your names and have a vague idea of what you do. Princess Celestia - raising the sun and representing Equestria as a whole, Princess Luna - raising the moon and controlling the dreams of any creature in this land. Did I miss anything?”

Both princesses briefly shook their heads in response.

“Great, pleasure to make acquaintance with you both. I am sure that you have a lot of questions, and I am prepared to answer them. Let’s start with the obvious: How and why did I get onto Luna’s balcony?”

Standing up, Johnny made his way to the thick curtains covering the only window in the room.

“See, I don’t actually have a habit of invading the private quarters of whoever I want to introduce myself to, but this has been rather urgent. It is to do with your abilities to see and enter the dreams of any creature”

Stopping half way there, he glanced over his shoulder briefly.

“I have a request to make of you, Luna”

The sound of a hoof connecting with the top of the table can be heard for just a second before it is drowned out by Celestia’s royal canterlot voice.

“How dare you! You come to our castle, harm our guards, nearly kill my sister and then have the audacity to ask for something?!”

Surprisingly, Johnny just gives a chuckle as he continues towards his destination.

“You know as well as I do, that the confrontation today was not started by me, Celestia. Though, I do not blame Luna for what she did. We’ve met before, you know? She visited my dream a couple days after I crossed the Equestrian border. With what she’s seen in it, it’s no wonder that her instincts took over”

Celestia was now standing up with her front hooves on the table

“Lies! My sister has seen the darkest nightmares of these lands, led soldiers through battles the likes of which nopony can imagine. There is nothing in this world that can influence her judgement, NOTHING!”

“If that is the case, then why is it you speaking and not your sister?”

The question hung in the air as Johnny made his final steps and pulled the curtain to the side, letting moonlight flood the previously dim room.

“See Celestia, my world is a lot like yours was during the dark ages. Conflict is not an unusual occurrence, instead it’s a constant, forced on by the battle of insurmountable forces to get on top”

He reached into his suit’s inner pocket, producing a rectangular metal case. Popping it open, he picked out a cigarette.

“And yet, it’s very different at the same time. The concepts of honour, mercy and fairness only appear in legends and propaganda spread among the population”

He twisted his elbow towards himself and with a hiss a spot on the gauntlet glowed orange.

Yep, those were definitely rocket boosters. Anon made a mental note to ask about it later.

“I would like to say that I fought as a soldier, but try as I might, I can’t ignore the fact that the outcomes were predetermined. Every battle was in actuality a long, methodical, calculated execution. Men die before they hit the floor, and by the time their corpse lays still another one is struck down. So many lives... Snuffed out in just a minute. It's a normal day for me but a shocking sight for Luna... and anyone else, to be honest with you. If the mortality rates in battle were less than 80%, we'd probably have all our soldiers suffering from PTSD”

He let out a cloud of smoke along with a chuckle.

“You know, I haven’t actually spent that much time out in the field, and still, I was tired of it. And don't get me wrong; I was a good leader, maybe even one of the best, but I just wanted out”

He turned around, looking at every creature around the table in turn.

“This brings us to my arrival to this world. I was given a fresh start, no longer having to pay for the mistakes of past generations, and I took it. I have no plans to take your kingdom from you, or to start one of my own, however that can’t be said about any other humans”

His gaze was now fixed on Luna.

“And now we are back to my request. I ask you to watch for any new humans in this world. There is no telling what will happen if one slips into the castle with malicious intent, though I can assure you that it won’t be good”

Before Luna can respond, Celestia continued her onslaught

“And how can we trust you on that?”

The question prompted another cloud of smoke from the human, who was starting to look rather bemused.

“Celestia, I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about your personal history. I had a basic crash course, but I did not go into details. Throughout all of it, there was a word that kept reappearing again and again; that word being ‘calm’. It is said that even as you defeated the lord of chaos, you did not let your emotions get a hold of you for long, which really makes me wonder: what has you so riled up about this conversation?”

He turned towards the window again, Celestia now glaring daggers at his back

“Are you angry about what happened to your sister, or is it something different? Perhaps an emotion that a true leader cannot show? An emotion that all of us experience when facing the unknown... Are you, by any chance, afraid o’ princess of the sun?”

Looking at Celestia, Anon could see her opening and closing her mouth with a look of pure rage on her face, yet no words came out. Johnny took this time to open the window he was facing.

“Hey, if it makes you feel any better, your fears are not unfounded. I may not be as powerful as you lot, with your wonky-ass magic shenanigans but as long as I am playing my own game, I’ll come out as the winner. To drive my point home - if my intentions were to steal the throne, I would have already murdered Luna and would probably be preoccupied with violently detaching your wings from your body. In other words, I would be doing anything but standing here talking to you, so try and humour the idea of behaving like an adult, if not a ruler of a nation”

The white alicorn slumped back to her seat, still speechless, and the silence started to build.

“You said that you've crossed the border. Why hast thou come to Equestria in the first place?”

This was the first time the princess of the night spoke since the meeting began.

“Now, that’s a great question!”

Flicking the cigarette butt into the night wind, he slammed the window shut and turned around, assuming a stance vaguely reminiscent of a soldier standing at attention with his hands folded behind his back.

“See, I wanted out of the constant large-scale conflict, but I very much enjoyed the other aspects of my job. Innovating, creating, modifying - the work I’ve done has propelled my agency up the ranks of the most effective units... That’s to say that I have a certain knack for solving practical problems”

Turning 90 degrees, he gestured towards the window with his hand

“After coming to terms with what happened to me, I had one question that would determine my journey’s destination. What place on this planet held the most potential? Every time I asked, creatures all as one answered: ‘Equestria’. Originally I didn’t have plans to get involved on a government level, but now that I’m here I might as well make an offer of a lifetime”

He spread his arms to the sides, including the robotic ones on his back. It kind of reminded Anon of that one DaVinci painting, though he is sure that the arms to legs ratio is off.

“Celestia. Luna. You have the resources. I have the blueprints. Imagine what we can achieve, with knowledge from two worlds combined. With my technology powered by your magic, how many diseases can we eradicate? How much can we change for the better in the life of an average citizen? With what I can offer you, we can not only bring peace and prosperity to all of Equestria, no… We can change the world!”

All this time he was taking small steps towards the table, and by the time his final declaration was spoken he was leaning over it, a hand outstretched to each princess.

“I do not want power, I do not want money. All I want is an opportunity to do what I do best. Say yes, and every-body wins”

The room fell silent once again but after a few moments, Anon saw Celestia’s hoof rise from the floor and slowly move towards the hand offered to her, which prompted the smile on Johnny’s face to grow ever so slightly.

“You speak of many great things Mr. Doe…” Her hoof finally made contact with his hand but it did not stop, pushing it away “But I must decline the offer”

With a sudden whizz, the metal arms that have been posing for a grand display retracted into the pack as he straightened out.

“I understand, your highness”

“What?” Anon suddenly had everyone at the table turn their heads towards him. Ah shit, did he say that out loud?

“No, no, no, that answer makes total sense Anonymous. Now that I think about it, what I’m promising sounds too good to be true”

Now all eyes were on Johnny, who turned away from them and struck a confident pose that would look right at home on a propaganda poster

“Nobody in their right mind would accept an impossible deal, but this puts my next target right in front of me. All I need to do, is make the impossible possible!”

Ignoring the three pairs of raised brows, he continued

“Come along Anonymous, we must get a move on!”

“Wait, we have not-” Celestia started, but was nearly instantly cut off

“I am afraid we’ll have to finish here. Even if I wasn’t leaving, I can feel the drugs wearing off and I’m not planning on having a discussion once they do”

At this point he was dragging Anon off his chair and towards the door

“Wait, wait, wait, what drugs? And where are we even going?” He protested

“Ach- drugs, painkillers, whatever! It’s a long story my friend, but in short: my private parts can now be used as a mould for shotgun iron sights. As for where we are going, I’m gonna crash at your bay for the night”

“Oh hell no, you are not staying over, my room is claustrophobic enough!”

“Tch, it’s gonna be fine, just trust me”

“You nearly killed me 10 minutes ago!”

“Oh do be quiet, it’s not like you would have reacted differently if you had a gun and were suspecting me to be an assassin sent after you!”

“Yes I would have!”

“You are obviously becoming incoherent from sleep deprivation, we need to get you to bed right this very instant!”

“I am fine, you psycho! CELESTIA! HELP!”

The argument echoed through the empty marble hallways of the castle, catching the attention of a couple servants on night shift, however with a shake of their head they continued on with their duties. Night shift didn’t pay nearly enough for this.

Starter relay

Opening his eyes, Anon felt the morning sun warming a patch on his bed.

Hm, weird. That only ever happened if he stayed in bed past 7:30, as that was the exact time the sun peeked into his window. He very rarely got to experience that, seeing as his shift started at 7 sharp.

Wait…

He shot up in bed, instantly awake.

His shift! Oh no. No, no, no, no, no! At the very least he was late by 30 minutes, which was an absolute disaster. There’s no way he’ll be seeing his week’s pay now, and that means cancelling his library membership to make ends meet for the month ahead…

As his mind raced through calculations of what expenses he will have to cut, two words got picked out and shoved to the forefront of his attention:

Day off.

Exhaling heavily, he fell back onto the bed.

Jesus, for a second there he thought he was completely screwed. If not for a human from the future appearing in Equestria, this would have turned out really, really badly.

Now, seeing as he wouldn’t be losing his finances, he needed to come up with a plan for today. Firstly, he’ll make breakfast - nothing fancy, simple fried eggs would do nicely. The library opened at 10, so he would have a couple hours to kill. Maybe wondering to the Cloud Stadium and back would be the perfe-

Wait…

He shot up once again.

A human from the future! He scrambled to look and feel around his bed. With the shit that guy pulled yesterday, Anon would not be surprised if he sneaked from the couch and into his bed during the night for whatever reason. Following a proper examination, it was determined that his bed only contained one human, which was Anonymous himself.

Phew alright, breathe in, breathe out.

Glancing around the room didn’t reveal anything out of the ordinary, so narrowing his eyes Anon scanned every object in the room very carefully, looking for signs of tampering or containing a deranged, gunslinging CEO.

Okay let's see now…

Bookcase - looks the exact same. All books are in their correct places, and it doesn’t look like it’s been moved.

Clothes chest - closed shut with no signs of clothing being taken out of it by someone with the intention to hide inside.

The work table - doesn't look like it saw much action either, although…

Yeah hold on, that’s not where that cup was!

Oh, what have you done Johnny? Is that an improvised explosive charge waiting for me, or is it a camera to spy on me while I sleep? Maybe you even went as far as…

Wait no, I moved it when I took a sip of water before leaving for the castle yesterday.
Hmm… Alright suspicious table, you get a pass, but know that I’ll be keeping my eye on you.

Hesitantly swinging his legs off the bed, Anon stood up.

It was quiet. No sound of talking, no gunshots, no... anything really.

Perhaps he just imagined it all? Yeah, yeah, definitely. A CEO from the future that fought Luna and then got defeated when she sat on his balls?

Fucking hell, he needed to remember what he had for dinner yesterday and never order it again. Maybe also talk to Luna herself to ask for this kind of thing to not ever repeat.

Although... If he did imagine it all, then right now he does not have a day off, which means…

Nope, a CEO from the future it is!

Walking out of his room and into the narrow corridor, Anon made his way to the ‘living room’, which in actuality was a cellar containing a bunch of boxes, full of old workshop tools and parts as well as a single sofa.

If there really was another human, this is where he would be sleeping, yet the room was empty. Poking the sofa cushions just in case his unwelcome guest turned invisible overnight, Anon confirmed that the room really was devoid of any Johnnies. Turning around with a shrug, he made his way to the room on the opposite side of the corridor.

Entering the kitchen, he could breathe out with relief, as the pile of still wet cooking utensils on the side of the sink confirmed that there had been another human in here, which in turn meant that he did in fact have a day off.

Moving his gaze to the table, Anon spotted a plate neatly stacked with what looked like hash browns. Well, a gift from a power-hungry sociopath or not, one simply does not decline proper food.

Approaching the table, he could see that one seat had cutlery neatly arranged around a note in the middle. Picking it up, he scanned through it.

Morning, ‘Non!

I’m going out for a while, wanna take a look at the city and grab a couple things. Enjoy the food I managed to cobble together from whatever you had in your cupboards, I can personally guarantee that it is 62.3% safe for consumption, with no long term health repercussions! ...I think.

Love,
Johnny

P.S. This message will self-destruct 20 seconds after you’ve picked it up, be sure to leave the blast radius when it does.

P.P.S. It actually won’t ‘cause it’s just a normal piece of paper. You don’t have to admit it, but I totally got you with this one.

“Piece of shit” Anon mumbled under his breath, reading the P.P.S. after he threw the paper into the corridor as hard as he could and consequently spent 3 minutes crawling on the floor to find it.

Well, at least he could enjoy some breakfast. He’ll never admit it, but those hash browns have been the best food he had since his stay at the castle.

Maybe it’s for the best, because if he did, Johnny would in turn admit to slightly soaking them in a chemical that manually encouraged the production of dopamine by the brain.

But hey, no harm no foul.

The serenity of the morning ended once Johnny made his return, busting the door open with a practised kick.

Having lost his jacket, arm mounted rocket boosters and the freaky multi-arm backpack somewhere, he now sported a more casual look with the sleeves on his white shirt rolled up to the elbows, and a tactical harness strapped across his chest.

Now, one gun was apparently not enough for a morning walk through a land of pastel coloured horses. Neither was two. Or three, for that matter. In total, there were four firearms on his frame:

A revolver with which Anon got all too familiar the previous night was holstered on his hip. In that incident, he didn’t get a chance to get a good look at it, so only now was the sheer size of the thing becoming apparent. What the hell did he plan to shoot at? Zeppelins?

Another two pistol grips were poking out of the underarm holsters, while the tactical harness mentioned before held a shotgun strapped to his back. It most likely was the weapon responsible for Johnny’s fiasko in battling the princess of the night, but Anon knew better than to ask directly.

What completed the entire ensemble was a massive sledgehammer on the other side of his back. Once this fact hit home, Anon abandoned all attempts at trying to find logic in this set up.

In any case, he had all but 30 seconds to comprehend all this, as he was dragged out of his kitchen, down the stairs and towards the castle once again.

With the sheer amount of weaponry Johnny was bringing with him, it was pretty obvious that he was going to attempt something dumb, like duelling the princesses or trying to take on the entirety of the royal guard at once, however Anon was quickly learning that whatever he imagined as the worst case scenario, wouldn't compare with the what his companion actually had in store.

Once they were at the gates, Johnny casually strolled right through with a friendly wave and a comment about the sun being nice today, and he didn’t stop there, oh no. They must have walked through half the entire castle, passing through multiple negotiation rooms and offices which most definitely required a high clearance level, however it wasn't until they reached the throne room door that a guard questioned their right to enter.

In response, Johnny without fail rattled off an ‘order from the princess of the night herself’ which stated that he was to take over morning court due to both princesses being preoccupied. One back and forth with the guard later, which of course included threats of getting him fired, has led to where they were now.

And still, that wasn’t the craziest part about it. Having done all that, Johnny didn’t sit at the throne and roleplay as a tyrant, neither did he dismiss the concerns of the ponies that stepped through the door. He just… did morning court like a normal person would.

It most definitely wasn't the same as Celestia's morning court as he got straight to the point with every issue, but what he lacked in pleasant interactions he made up for in speed. The visitors flew by, taking only 3 minutes to process each.

As weird as this situation was, it undoubtedly has been going well.

Until now.

The pony currently standing on the red carpet has been rambling away for the past 10 minutes, though his entire speech could be summarised in one sentence - 'the building safety regulations are too strict', which was obviously getting on Johnny's nerves.

He didn't show it from the front, still smiling and politely answering the questions the pony occasionally asked him, but the hands he held behind his back were slowly but surely curling up into fists.

"Have you got any experience in construction business?" Another question from the stuck up construction magnate, breaking up the constant stream of words.

"I do, yes" Came the reponse accompanied by a fake smile

"Well, it's quite obvious that you don't, as any self respecting..." The pony restarts his monotone word dump, oblivious to the fact that his listener has turned around and was walking away.

Having reached his destination, Johnny hoisted up the sledgehammer that has been resting against the golden side of the throne ever since he made the decision to stay here for the entire morning.

Spotting what the creature was holding as it approached him again, the business pony started to falter with his words.

"Wh- Excuse me sir, but I do not understand how a demolition appliance can help us in resolving this-"

He is cut off as Johnny shushed at him

"Shhhh shh shh... Mr Dalepouch, what you have said in court today is extremely serious, and I promise to work my hardest to pass your concerns on to the safety regulators..."

At this point he has circled the pony from behind and stood in line with his front hooves, letting the sledgehammer drop between them.

"But you see, something else has me worried. You most likely don't know this, but us humans have a premonition ability. It's faint, but we can make out the near future of the creatures around us"

Kneeling down, he brings his eyes on level with the pony

"I feel a dark energy gathering around you, however I need to administer a test of sorts, to figure out what it is exactly that the future holds. It's a simple question so don't think about it too hard"

He makes a dramatic pause before continuing "Above or below? Let your soul choose the answer"

The silver pony somehow becomes whiter as his hooves tremble, yet he still gives an answer "A- a- above"

Johnny immediately exhales sharply and covers his eyes

"Ooooh... Mr. Dalepouch, I see an accident taking place in your life soon, maybe even today. Say, do you perhaps have any plans for the evening?"

"W- Well am due to attend a party this a- afternoon... But what is the problem? What more can you see?" The terrified stallion stammers.

"Hm, yes... This accident will happen at the party..." Comes a reply from a very focused looking human, who rubs his temples in a gesture that screams 'I am reading the future through immense fucking concentration right now'

"I cannot say what it is for sure, but it is very serious, maybe even deadly"

"W- What!? Deadly!?" The pony's hind legs give way and he smacks onto his rump "No, this can't be happening! Mr. Human, there must be a way to avoid it, right? Please tell me there is a way!"

Johnny hides his face behind his hands, but from his perspective Anon can see a smile growing on his face

"Fate is a cruel and complicated thing that will take what is due no matter the circumstances. There is no way to avoid it completely, but there is an ancient method..."

Celestia was not having a good day. In her time she saw protests, ancient horrors trying to take over her land, natural disasters of such scale that many ponies could not even begin to imagine the aftermath... But being woken up in the middle of the night? Yeah, that was a real national tragedy.

Still, if her perils ended there this day would have been largely tolerable, but alas, that was far from the end. Yesterday's events promised a lot, and she did mean a lot of paperwork.

Firstly, her sister's entire room would have to be re-furnished, which meant putting in custom orders for alicorn-sized appliances.

Coincidentally, said orders could only be accepted by the Canterlot Oaks - a woodworking shop which she has been relentlessly pressuring over the past few months over their questionable business practice of cancelling their employee's pay should they accumulate more than 30 minutes of lateness in a week.

There was no way Mortise, the owner of the place, was going to accept those orders without her rolling back all the progress she made, and she wouldn't just be able to pick up where she left off after completing the transaction, as by that point his lawyers would have picked through the case and came up with counter arguments to every point raised.

Then there was the issue of the guard. Oh, she can hear Shining Armour talking already: reciting the perimeters around the castle, the pegasi patrol schedules, the fact that their defences are impenetrable by all means...

That last point annoyed her greatly. She's done it before with countless other captains - an argument the outcome of which was certain every time:

“Your majesty, I can swear on my position as the captain of the guard, the castle perimeter is secured absolutely flawlessly”

“Is that so, captain? Perhaps you would care to explain yesterday’s infiltration then, hm?”

“I- uh… Please give me a moment to discuss with the shift commander”

Some time later, the captain would return with a heap of reports from every guard on duty and the next few agonising hours would be spent leaning over a scheme of the castle:

Drawing out the infiltrator's path and patrol movements, comparing different reports, collecting pictures of what view each vantage point gave; only to discover a 7 second window in which a particular gate wasn't being watched, or a guard that turned to look at a mare passing by to be the point which caused the entire complex scheme to fall apart.

And then there is the human...

Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly as she rounded a corner and continued towards the throne room.

Seeing as it wasn't the first recorded case of his kind appearing in Equestria, she didn't have to do all that much work with the media, but the way he held himself told her that this was not their last interaction by far. Plus, she had to admit:

If his promise of being able to change the course of history was true, she most certainly would have a big decision on her hooves. Yet Celestia needed more than just pretty words to convince her. A detailed report on what it is exactly he'll set out to achieve, complete with graphs, predictions and... Oh, that's just more paperwork!

Now that she looked around, practically everything threatened her with that dreaded activity:

The servant mare cleaning the floor was probably drafting up a letter asking for a raise,

The guards positioned along the corridor were waiting for the end of their shift just so they could run off and request an upgrade for the training equipment,

A pony in the post office uniform brought letters from far away, all of which probably required her attention.

The crack in a white marble pillar, a loud conversation coming from a side room, some noble wandering from room to room, a pony being carried past her on a stretcher - all this and so much more just reeked of long parchments stacked on her work desk.

Ah, if only she could strike down any pony that brought her a form to sign, and have them be carried away just like that...

But no. It was an absolutely abhorrent act, one that woudn't be carried out even by the most vicious and heartless ponies in power.

No changeling, not even a minotaur would do something like that, as a creature would have to be violent, totally apathetic and absolutely sure in a lack of repercussions for itself to hurt another just to not deal with a couple sheets of paper.

This description didn't fit Celestia. Though it did seem to fit a certain...

She halted suddenly, her golden horseshoes clanking against the marble floor. Looking back, she just caught a glimpse of the medic ponies disappearing behind a corner with their patient.

There was only one place in the direction they came from - The throne room.

Turning back, Celestia quickened her walking pace. She would run, but being a princess, it wasn't something she could do: In peaceful times it would leave the ponies laughing, while in a time of crisis it would send them into a panic.

Turning into the last corridor stretch before her destination, she felt her heart sink. Our of the two options listed above, it would have definitely been the second one.

Bodies covered the floor, some trying to crawl further away from the door, while others just laid still and wheezed quietly. Surprisingly, behind the pained grimaces she didn't see fear or anger... Was it relief?

A certain face jumped out from the crowd - The stallion was sitting against a wall between two nobles. She couldn't see his cutie mark, neither was he wearing his armour, but she knew exactly who he was.

Royal Gleam was one of the most controversial guards in the entire history of her rule over Equestria. As his name suggested, he was very in touch with the high society in Canterlot. In fact, his connections in certain places were so potent that Celestia wondered why he would even choose to stay in the guard. The explanation she landed on was that his position made him a novelty and gave him an air of authority, which made him more valuable to the nobles who already knew him, while those who didn't would be more likely to strike up a conversation.

The reason Celestia picked him out from the dozens of other ponies on the floor was the simple truth that despite being on loan to a noble family as a bodyguard 90% of the time, he was still a member of the Royal Guard. And yet, he was here. Just like the rest of the ponies. There were no alarms, no specialised medic team coming to pick him up.

Something was really, really wrong.

Breathing in, Celestia did her best to calm herself. Right now, she was either going to get an explanation or there will be a historic occurence of public executions being re-instated for a day.

With that thought ringing in her mind, she carefully made her way forward and pushed the heavy door open.

"Of course ma'am, we fully understand the concern. The guard patrol routes will be altered to cover that alley, expect the change in the next three days"

"Oh thank you Duke Johnillimbious the third! Please pass my thanks onto Lord Vader as well" Replies a mare, bouncing out of the room.

Slowly circling around the side of the massive throne, Celestia finally got a view of the new human. He changed his clothes at some point, and now had some sort of a hammer hanging from a harness on his back.

After the echo of the door closing shut faded, he dropped out of his stance and went for a stretch, the sound of cracking joints filling the room momentarily.

"What kind of name is Lord Vader? Friggin' stupid..." He mused to himself, straightening out.

As if on cue, a narrow opening appeared in the door, and another human head poked inside

"Hey Johnny, we've got... another one..." Anon's eyes went wide as he spotted Celestia standing only a few paces behind the intended reciepient of the message. Judging by his reaction, her arrival has not been counted on.

Glancing back into the corridor and obviously not finding any reassurance there, he cleared his throat and dropped his voice down to a whisper "Horse behind you Johnny"

Visually stiffening up, Johnny went to turn his head but didn't dare to actually face Celestia "What, the big one?"

"Yes, the big one"

Drawing a sharp inhale, he crouched down slightly before gesturing agressively in sync with the whisper-shouted words "Go. Get. The. Gun."

"What?!" Anon threw both his hands up before pointing in her direction "I am not shooting the princess, full stop"

"Jus- Fuckin- We are not going to shoot the princess, okay?"

"Oh really?" Having now made his way into the room fully, Anon stood with his hands on his hips "Then why do we need the gun?"

"Be-cause! We are going to attempt peaceful negotiations, but in the very unlikely event of them failing, I... we need a back up plan"

Still, Anon stood his ground "Nope, not a chance"

"Kusottare! Once this is over you can bet I'm turning your ass into tortellini... Whatever that means. I honestly have no idea, saw that word in one of your books but didn't get to the actual chapter on it"

"You went through my books?!" Anon begins, but is instantly cut off

"Shhh... sh- sh- sh- shhhhh... ut the fuck up Anon. Your incompetence in following simple orders has put us both into an unpleasant situation, and I need you to be quiet before you do any more damage" Satisfied that Anonymous wasn't going to attempt speaking, he continued "Now then, watch and learn how a real man solves diplomatic proble-"

Not giving him a chance to finish, Celestia used her magic to yank him over to her.

"John Doe!" The royal canterlot voice did not convey the full extent of her rage, but even then it was more than enough for anypony to realise that this was beyond serious "You are going to give us an explanation now"

Having caught his balance, Johnny threw his hands out in front of him.

"Woah, woah, woah! Pendejo, let's tap the breaks here! I am afraid this is all a massive misunderstanding"

"How so?" Celestia felt her eyes narrow

"Due to both you and Luna being out of commision for the morning, I chose to pick up the slack and cover morning court. Not trying to take over the kingdom, really. No tricks, pure altruism"

Alright Celestia, just keep calm. If you let your hooves do the talking, you'll be no better than him.

You've stopped wars through deplomacy before, and this is just the same... except it happened right under your nose. Speaking of, remember to have Shining find and replace every single guard who allowed this.

Now, back to the issue at hand.

Glancing over at the back door, Johnny's expression changed to a forced smile as he tapped himself on the forhead with a palm.

"Ahhhhh... Ok, I see the issue here. Uh, so this one... Whew, funny story actually!" He takes a pause to scratch the back of his head before continuing "Right so, there I was, taking morning court. Everything's going well, I'm already thinking of how pleased you're gonna be, not having to deal with this after being woken up and all, when out of nowhere this asshole shows up and grinds the entire thing to a stop with his complaints about... Well, I can't really remember what it was"

Celestia could easily point out the fact that he shouldn't have been doing morning court in the first place, but she decided to keep quiet until she heard the full story.

"So, I try to sort it out - have a little back and forth. Gonna spare you the details here but one thing led to another, I convinced him that I can see the future and that the only way for him to avoid certain death is getting smacked with a sledgehammer by me, tossed him out to the corridor and moved on with my day"

Well... That escalated quickly. As much as she wanted to hear the spared details, the story didn't yet explain how it went from a single occurence to half the high society of Canterlot ending up on the floor, so she decided to keep her questioning on hold a little longer.

"Well what do you know, apparently somewhere in my persuasion story I said something I shouldn't have said; what was it again?"

"The party" Anon offers

"Huh?"

"You said that the accident was going to happen at a party"

"Oh, that's right. Now, that genius decided to send a message out to the rest of the peop- Sorry, ponies due to attend that party and since then we've had nobles coming in and volounteering to be smacked. Don't get me wrong, originally I wasn't so sure about doing it, but Anon convinced me that they defintiely deserve it"

"I did not!"

Pointing at Johnny, Anonymous looked determined to defend his case.

"Celestia, you know I wouldn't do it. He practically forced me into this, I am the victim here!"

This comment came much to Johnny's disapproval, causing it to be rebuked instantly.

"Oh ho-ho, so I am the bad guy now? Listen, on a purely theoretical level, I would have no grudges against them, which mea-"

"SILENCE!"

Celestia needed to stop the conversation from getting sidetracked, so in an effort to bring everyone back on course and sort out her own thoughts she decided to clarify.

"You are telling me that ponies would come through that door and ask to be hurt, knowing exactly what they are signing up for?"

Breaking from their anger-fuelled staring competition, both humans face her.

"Affirmative"

"Yep"

Closing her eyes, Celestia filled her lungs preparing to dish out words that she has not spoken for a good two thousand years now, but before she could begin the front door burst wide open.

The newly arrived pony, having used her body as a battering ram, got thrown off balance and after sliding a considerable distance on the slippery marble floor, came to a stop a couple paces from them. Before anyone could as much as share a glance, she crawled forward and wrapped her hooves around Johnny's leg, completely ignoring the soveirgn ruler of this land standing right next to her.

"Oh mister human! You must help me escape this terrible fate!"

Giving Celestia a shrug, Johnny shook the mare off and took a step to the side, drawing his accident prevental tool.

"Alright lady, above or below?"

Before Celestia had a chance to intervene, the unfortunate noble blurted out her reply:

"Below!"

With a whoosh, the sledgehammer flew down in a low arc, sending the mare sliding further into the room to different responses from everyone present; Johnny fist bumps the air and goes for a short victory stroll, Anon drops his head and groans while Celestia changes colour a couple of times, not quite sure on what emotion to settle on.

"Cheater!" Anon proclaims, making his way towards the now still pony on the ground.

"Hey, even if I am you can't deny that getting results so consistently is impressive. And let's be honest, even if I lost, I wouldn't be doing clean up. It's just not my style"

"Not my style my ass..." Comes the response from Anon, now preoccupied with dragging the body towards the back door.

"Oh I will, just wait until evening sweet-cheeks"

Celestia meanwhile is still frozen in place. A part of her does not want to believe what she is seeing. Not only are her subjects being hurt in the one place supposed to provide a solution for their problems, but those responsible have turned it into a game.

This fact fills her with a feeling she is unfamiliar with, it's as if she is burning from the inside out, her subconscious urging her to scorch the planet in pursuit of achieving justice. As strong as that feeling is, it's unable to overcome the sickly sweet sensation of heaviness spreading through her entire body.

"I- I will tell them the truth"

She took a couple shaky steps after Anon, but was stopped when the metal handle of the sledgehammer appeared in front of her chest.

"Woah-hey-hey, hold it there for just a moment. You can go out and tell them the truth, I'm not gonna stop you, but think for a second what the public would think. They'll partially blame you, regardless of what you decide to do afterwards. I would have stopped earlier if I could, but... Well, you're smart enough, figure out the rest"

With that, the barrier lifted away, however she remained in place.

He was right. If word got out that she let something like this happen in her castle, no amount of PR work would cover it up. He had her in a perfect gambit - Either let them go without any charges or punish them and suffer the consequences for hundreds of years into the future. Lose - Lose.

"Alright, this looks really bad, I admit. How-e-ver, the rest of day court actually went really well. Actually, you know what? It's always better to show than tell, right? Come on"

Still in a stupor, Celestia has no brainpower to spare on resisting the arm wrapping around her neck, allowing herself to be led to the throne as Johnny shouts orders to the guards outside.

"NEXT ONE FORWARD, PRONTO!"

The door opens and surprisingly, a pony in uniform trots in. Taking position in front of them, he takes a bow.

"Ok, I'll talk you through my thought process in maximising efficiency here. First of all, we need to find out what exactly the problem is, as literally 60% of the inquiries today were solved with a yes, no or a fuck off. So then..." Turning to the guard, he clicks his heels together "Report, soldier!"

Raising his hoof in a salute, he does as told.

"Sir! There is a riot in the prison block and multiple inmates managed to escape. They are moving towards the east wing of the castle and it is entirely possible that our defences may be overwhelmed, allowing some to escape to the city"

Humming in approval, Johnny starts a slow gait towards the room entrance.

"Great, now that we know what the problem is, we can start working on finding a solu-"

Suddenly freezing half way through a step, his smile disappeared as he snapped his head towards the guard.

"There's a what?"