Trailer Park Ponies

by barkion

Rating: mature
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity, Fluttershy, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3993

Rarity and Rainbow Dash try to get rich, mostly in illegal ways

Rarity and Rainbow Dash have just got out of jail and both have two very different idea's on getting rich.
Rarity wants to go clean and get a job, where as Dash wants to get her dope growing operation up again and maybe even get her grade 11.

Hopefully the "trailer park supervisor dicks" Celestia and Twilight don't get in their way...
(this story is a strange, and truly fucked up piece of work and not at all meant to be taken seriously, if you know the show Trailer Park Boys you might understand the format a little. I wrote this laughing, and I hope many of you laugh too)...

Published 2012-09-17 18:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-18 20:21:05 UTC

I need some smokes or I'm fucked

note- sometimes there is internal monologue, I put the character name with a ":" beside it so you know who's it is...

Rarity: “Greetings all, my name is Rarity, and today is a glorious day. Today is the day I finally get out of prison. I've been looking forwards to this occasion for the past 18 months. While I've been in here, I've been doing a lot of reading and a lot of thinking. And I can truly say I am finished with crime and other such unruly behavior. I just want get back to my abode in Ponyvale and...oh I don't know, maybe start up my own business...”

Rainbow Dash: “Hello my name is Rainbow Dash, and I've been here for 18 months. Today I am getting out, thank fuck. Me and Rarity are getting drunk as tonight, hopefully there'll be some good dope, maybe some chicken fingers, it's gonna be awesome!”

Rarity: “Rainbow Dash and I...alas I feel we cannot be friends anymore. It was her fault we both landed in prison! She just refuses to grow up, life to her is about drinking and marijuana and eating chicken fingers. She has no drive for anything better in life.”

Rainbow Dash: “Rarity can fuck off, I mean its really her fault we were put in jail. You know, her force feeding me drugs and all the other shit. Its her fault, she wants to be like that, fuck her!”

Rarity is first to leave the jail, 2 guards escorting her to the door, and opening it for her. Out in the parking lot, a cab waits for her. Rainbow Dash runs up to the gate, the guards let her out and she runs over to the cab.
“No, no no, Rainbow, you must get your own taxi” Rarity protested, shoving her away from the trunk.
“What? I'm just trying to get back to the fucking park! What's the big deal?!” Rainbow replied angrily.
“Find your own taxi Rainbow Dash, you are not sharing mine” Rarity said and closed the door, the taxi driving away, Rainbow Dash threw her suitcase at the back, hitting the trunk with a thud.

Rarity: “I've been living in Ponyvale since I was a filly. Sometimes I feel my potential might be realized elsewhere, but I have so many dear friends. And I do know Rainbow Dash would be lost without me”

The cab stopped right near her trailer, it was, at one time a flawless white, but now was quite dirty and light smoke seeped from the open living room window.
“Oh for the love of fashion! Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo didn't clean up like I asked, and they're probably partaking in marijuana smoking again!” Rarity let out a sigh and went inside.
The floor was strewn with empty chip bags, beer cans and the like. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were on the couch playing video games.
The room was hazy from all the smoke and the two were clearly intoxicated.
“Hey dude, what's up?” Scootaloo asked, picking up a can of beer.
“I told you two I was getting out today, and I asked you, very kindly, to clean the place for me in exchange for staying here. But you did not do as I had asked, no you have been smoking, and drinking and- eating chips!” Rarity shouted throwing an old chip bag at the two.
“Sorry dude, we thought you were out...like...next week” Sweetie Belle stammered, trying not to laugh.
“Be quiet, both of you clean this up! I am going to go say my hello's to some individuals, you two clean this up, and don't take all day!” Rarity sighed again and went into the kitchen.
She took out a small glass and set it on the counter, going into a cabinet taking out some gin and, in the fridge some tonic water.

Rarity: “I sometimes partake in stronger beverages, gin and tonic is an old favorite, Rainbow Dash told me about it in...grade eight, though I didn't partake until grade ten, by then Rainbow had dropped out and was growing her third batch of marijuana in her father's shed.
Childhood is funny sometimes...”
Rarity smiled and sipped at the drink, going back outside and smelling the mid afternoon air.
“Its a lovely day, ideal for the occasion... I should go say hello to Fluttershy, I bet she misses me!”
Rarity went over to the lot beside her, now housing a few sheds, one of which was Fluttershy's.

Fluttershy: “Oh, I've been living in shed's my whole life, completely self sufficient. I find old wagons and fix them up, and sell them back to the malls. I don't see it as stealing, I spend most of what I make on kitty food anyways...”

Fluttershy was in her shed petting a few cats when he saw Rarity and lit up.
“Rarity! You got out! Oh I've missed you” Fluttershy happily exclaimed giving her friend a hug.
“It's lovely to see you, as always. How is everypony? How is the park?” Rarity replied with a cheerful smile.
“Oh, same old same old, that dick Celestia has been going on about how things are gonna change when you two get back but I just ignore her” Fluttershy replied.
Off in the distance a long, cream coloured wagon pulls up, Celestia and Twilight Sparkle getting off and walking over towards Rarity.
“Out of jail already I see Rarity?” Celestia says, rather mockingly shaking her head.
“Where's Rainbow, Rarity?” Twilight adds.
“I am not sure, her and I needed some time apart, I am just saying my hello's to everyone in the park, if you both do not mind” Rarity replies, somewhat annoyed.

Mrs. Celestia: “Rarity? Oh her and Rainbow Dash have been living here their whole lives, I thought things would get better as they got older but it only got worse. Rainbow and Rarity growing dope, shooting off guns, stealing left and right. When I took this job, all I wanted was to make Ponyvale a good place to live, and because of those two, I always feel my goal can't be met...”

“Well when you see her, tell her we said hi” Celestia said, with a smile, and the two got back into the wagon and left.
At the front of the park, Rainbow Dash had just arrived and had grabbed a young filly who was smoking near the broken phone booth.
“Come on Dinky I know you have smokes! Gimmie a god damn smoke!” Rainbow wrestled Dinky to the ground and was trying to pull the cigarettes out of the filly's sattlebag when Celestia and Twilight showed up and pulled them apart.
“Frig off Rainbow!” Twilight shouted, Rainbow turning her attention to Twilight in the rage of the fight.
Dinky ran off, Celestia giving her a light shove and pulling Rainbow off of Twilight.
“Rainbow, knock it off! You know we had peace and quiet here for 18 months and you're here less then 10 minutes and are already doing something illegal!” Celestia snapped, helping Twilight to her feet.
“I wasn't doing anything wrong, Dinky owes me 4 smokes! So you can fuck off Celestia, and you can fuck off Twilight!” Rainbow replied, trying to run after Dinky Hooves but was restrained by Celestia.
“So where are you staying Rainbow?” Twilight asked pulling out a pad and quill.
“At the fuck off hotel Twilight” Rainbow replied, giving an annoyed sigh.
“Lets go Twi- she's not gonna be cooperative today” Celestia said, motioning Twilight to fallow her.

Rainbow Dash: "Dinky owes me those smokes, I lent her 4 before I went to jail and her mom still owes me for that hash I gave her on 420, fucking Celestia doesn't give a shit, all she gives a fuck about is getting wasted and running around with that freak Twilight. I hate those dicks!"

Rarity and Fluttershy were casually sitting on Rarity's deck when Rainbow Dash showed up.
“Rarity, you got any smokes?” she shouted setting her bag against a tree.
“No I do not, please Rainbow Dash I am simply trying to relax on this nice day” Rarity calmly replied, sipping from her drink.
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle rushed out of the house, smiling, quite happy to see Rainbow Dash.
Scootaloo had a big bag of chips, lord knows how old, she had obviously found in Rarity's trailer during the clean up.
“Hey dude what's up?!” Scootaloo asked the two raising their hooves for a hi-five (or is it hoof-five), Rainbow ignored them.
“Yeah whatever” she muttered until she noticed the chips.
“Scootaloo chips, lets go” she said, motioning for the chips, she took a big hand full and went over to Rarity.
“Come on, I got no smokes, no place to stay, don't be a dick let me crash with you for like 2 or 3 weeks, until I get my dope operation up and running- Scootaloo more chips, lets go!” Rainbow Dash said, motioning for more chips, Scootaloo opened the bag for Rainbow Dash, who simply snatched the whole bag away, Scootaloo walking back beside Sweetie Belle.
“I cannot let you stay in my trailer, you are a mess Rainbow Dash, I do not want to partake in crime any more, I'm afraid you will need to find yourself another place to live” she replied shaking her head.
“Fine, fuck you then!” Rainbow Dash shouted, throwing the bag of near empty chips up in the air and walked off.

Rainbow Dash: “Rarity's just being a dick, guess I'll just have to find someplace else to sleep, or something...”

In another area of the park, Twilight and Celestia are driving around, as they often do, keep up appearances as to discourage bad behavior from, mostly, Rainbow Dash.
Twilight motioned to her, lying on the side of the road, surrounded by liquor bottles.

Twilight Sparkle: "Rainbow Dash drinks when she is angry, or stressed, or happy... But worse when she's upset, we'll find her, passed out in the street, liquor bottles all over the place, I mean fillies live here, you can't do that, not to mention half the time she steals the liquor."

Celestia pulled out a phone and called Rarity, looking down at the sleeping Rainbow Dash.
“Yeah, Rarity, It's Mrs. Celestia, yeah, found Rainbow Dash passed out again, you wanna come get her or do you want me to call in the heavies? Alright see you in a few” Celestia closed the phone and sighed.
“Well she's on her way, shame I was hoping they weren't friends anymore...”
Rarity and Fluttershy soon showed up, trying to prop Rainbow Dash up. Fluttershy splashing some water on her face.
“Wake up Rainbow, come on, you can't lie here” Fluttershy said, splashing more water on the unconscious pony.
“...Rarity... I got no place to go...” she murmured softly.
“Don't worry Rainbow Dash, you can stay in my auto for a few days” Rarity replied, helping Rainbow to her feet.

Rarity: "My auto was given to me by my grandmother, as was my trailer.
I remember when she first got it, it was a lovely emerald green...Then she begun to drink and it became more damaged every time she drove it. One day she came home and it was half painted black, I suppose I keep it because I don't have the heart to see it destroyed."

“I don't want to see her wandering around for the rest of the night, you hear me Rarity?! Or I will call the co-”
Celestia stopped when an ash tray flew out of a trailer close by, Golden Harvest running out of the front door as more things were clumsily thrown at her, Pinkie Pie appearing soon after in an old robe with several cigarette burns on it. She was clutching a bottle of whiskey, and her mane was a complete mess.
“NO YOU POUND SAND UP THE EYE OF YOUR COCK!!!”
Golden Harvest tried to calm her down but Pinkie ignores her and continued.
“CALM DOWN?! YOU FUCKING CALM DOWN! WHO'S RUNNING THIS FUCKING TRALER PARK?!?”
Celestia seemed dumbfounded for a second before turning to Twilight.
“I'll go take care of that, you make sure Dashie gets home safe” she gives Twilight a pat on the back before going over to Pinkie's trailer.
“Alright get her up and out of here, come on we can't have her passing out like this” Twilight said, motioning for them to leave.
“Fuck off Twilight” Fluttershy muttered as the two carried Rainbow Dash away.
Upon reaching Rarity's trailer, the two set Rainbow Dash down in the front seat (passenger side, missing door) and went to go inside.
“You sure you want her living here with you, Rarity?” Fluttershy asked softly.
“She won't be here for long, I assure you, I won't have her living in my auto and growing illegal drugs, I won't have it”Rarity sipped her drink before setting it down.
“Would you be interested in sharing a pizza with me?” she asked, Fluttershy nodded with a smile.
“Sure, lets rock some beers” she replied with a nod.

I've Met Cats and Dogs Smarter then Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo

I've Met Cats and Dogs Smarter then Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo

Rainbow Dash slept away soundly in the front seat of Rarity's delapitated car. It had been two days since Rarity let her stay there, and tentions were mounting already.
Rainbow had already aquired 6 marijiuana plants, which were sitting in stolen pots in the back seat. Beside them was a small orange cat, every so often looking around at a noise it heard outside.
Fluttershy was out calling a cat by the name of “Shitrock” when she saw the little kitty inside Rainbow Dash's car, sitting near the plants.
She walked over, rather angrily, and began pounding on the roof, waking Rainbow Dash.
“I want my kitty!” she said trying to open the door.
“Frig off Fluttershy, you said I could have it!” Rainbow shouted, sleepily, trying to turn over.
“I never said you could keep him, and I don't want him living in a fucking car!” Fluttershy replied, opening the door.
“I need him Fluttershy, the squirrels and racoons and shit are gonna eat my weed plants, they're all I have left in the world, please I need the cat to protect them!”
Fluttershy shook her head, taking the cat.
“No kitty of mine is gonna live in a dirty old car, with a neglectful, owner more concerned about weed plants and getting drunk then his pet's well being” Fluttershy walked off back to her shed, whispering to the cat.

Rainbow Dash; It's like everybody's fucking against me, I try and grow weed plants and Fluttershy won't give me a cat, I need a place to stay, Rarity makes me live in a car...Which I mean isn't that bad, but still, they don't get how important these weed plants are to me... Fuck...

Rarity looked out her window, sure enough Rainbow Dash was still there, and so were the plants. She wanted to kick Rainbow out of her car and go clean but she just couldn't do that to her friend. All day yesterday she was thinking of what to do, and she felt the bottom line was she couldn't turn her friend away... Going clean would just have to wait.
“Rainbow Dash, You and I need to talk” Rarity said, motioning Rainbow to come inside, but stopped her at the door when she got a strong wiff of liquor and chips.
“Listen, Rainbow Dash, your little marijuana operation, do you have any real plans for when those plants get bigger?” Rarity asked, trying not to take deep breaths.
“Well...not really...got the plants in the car...I could have Luna hide them at her place” Rainbow muttered trying to think.
“Rainbow, Luna lives at the garbage dump, bees constantly fallow her around and she urinates in old soda bottles, that is no place for something we could sell in order to retire. I have been thinking about it, and have a great idea where to put it all” Rarity motioned Rainbow aside, walking down the steps towards the car.
“Where!?”
“DJ-Pon3's old camper...”

DJ-Pon3, as she does most days, sits outside, on the picnic table with several of her friends, playing music, singing, smoking or just causing a disturbance to much of the close by neighbours.
“Yeah I'z wubbin that shit hard, before it was cool, before that gimp mol'fucka Skrillex, I'z the pony who gets it done!”
“Vinyl! I thought I had asked you to stop talking like that, please, it's a horrid misuse of the english language!” Octavia snapped, poking her head out the window.
“Dawg I know you didn't just call me by my government name” DJ-Pon3 replied, pulling down her glasses slightly so Octavia could see her eyes.
“Vinyl Scratch!”
“Slave name!!”
“And when are you going to get that hash out of my cello case?! It's been 3 days, you said it would be out in one, I am getting sick of all this! I don't want hash in my cello case!” Octavia walked back inside though her voice was still clear.
“Don't be yellin' about hash Tavi-”
“Don't call me Tavi!”

DJ-Pon3; “damn these ballz 'n' chains be trippin'. I go and put hash in her case for a few days and she flips, know what I sayin'. That hash pays the rent, and when I find a good buyer, I sell the shit, and make the bling, know what I sayin'?! Dj-Pon3 is hard as fuck, thats just how I roll...Dope, guns, wubs, ho's, liquor, unmarked bills, unlisenced night clubs...That's what DJ-Pon3 and the Pon3 Pile is about, know what I sayin'?!”

Octavia; I met Vinyl, about 7 years ago, she was the bus...girl, at a lovely resturant called Maison Plaisir which sadly burned down and become a Gulp 'n' Donair...but I digress. I was playing there, and ...we somehow got to talking after the show, it was love at first sight. She courted me like a lady and we became serious, I helped her with her music career... She got me a ring... It's love, it really is... We do fight, but every couple does, she likes to play the tough pony but every night she tells me how much she loves me.

DJ-Pon3; “Aww Tavi's just a fling, D.J to the P.O.N-3 don't get tied down. Her and I met in a KFG, and she was drunk. So we go in the ladies and get our freak owwwn! I made her a star, with that, thing she has, the jello? Err...I-I'm keepin it real, ain't no wubs in that shit!”

“DJ-Pon3!” Rarity called, waving to her, trying to get her attention.
“Aww shit, you guys outta jail! Good to see ya dawg” DJ Pon3 replied, giving Rarity a hug and a hi five to Rainbow Dash.
“So what can I and these hard as fuck Pon3's do for ya, Rares?” she asked, nudging one of her friends.
“We need to borrow your old camping trailer, Rainbow Dash and I have an idea on how to make money” Rarity replied, trying to speak softly.
“Aww shit, gettin' yer dope on eh Dash?! Yeah I can hook yous guys up with all the shit ya need, long as I gets my cut” she replied smiling.
“Of course, just set it up, put all the machinery and plants inside and then bring it to my lot, but be descrete, we cannot let Celestia or Twilight know about anything we are doing!” Rarity said, looking around, nervous the two would show up.
“Fuck those dicks, I've been growing dope since I was in grade seven” Rainbow Dash cut in. Rarity sighed and continued.
“And how many times have you been in jail, Rainbow Dash? I did not want to stoop this low, growing these awful plants with you, but its what fate has handed us so let me do the talking and planning, if you do not mind!”

Rainbow Dash; everypony things Rarity is the brains of the operation because she is so smart. I mean...I'm smart to, for things like playing hockey and growing dope. That makes me smart.
Her brain is on a different level then my brain, self smarted, and...I...fuck...Well I am smart!

Fluttershy; oh well, Rainbow Dash's brain doesn't work like other people's. You give her one task, and she's fine, you throw two or three at her and she's fucked. Only way she can possibly handle something like that is a list, even then it takes a few tries.
“Now, Rainbow Dash, you go find Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, obtain some automobile parts so we can fix up that derilect auto you are living in, and meet me back at my trailer when you are done” Rarity said, pointing off to where she assumed Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were.
“I'm not hanging out with those dicks!” Rainbow Dash snapped angrily.
“If you want to keep living in that auto you will! I have everything under control here, now go find those two, obtain some parts, I don't know where, and meet me back at my trailer!”
“Fuck sakes...” Rainbow Dash sighed, lighting up a cigerette.

Rainbow Dash wandered around for a few minutes shouting “fuck goofs” at the top of her lungs before Pinkie appeared on her porch.
“STOP FUCKING YELLING!” she screamed, her voice cracked. She was about to take another swig of her unidentified bottle before ducking back inside. Rainbow Dash hadn't noticed until a bottle hit the back of her head. Several fillies were throwing bottles at them, before running off when Rainbow Dash regained her balance.
“Fucking bottle kids...”
After two more minutes of solid yelling, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo appeared, running down the street, hands raised for a hi five.
“Hey Dash what's up!” Scootaloo said smiling.
“Do you need any help with anything?” Sweetie Belle added.
“Yeah, first off, hands down, you look like dicks, third, Scootaloo, two smokes, lets go!” Rainbow Dash clopped her hoof on the ground, Scootaloo reluctantly giving her two cigarettes.

Rainbow Dash; Oh I've known Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle since they were six. They are the stupidest fuck giraffe's in the dumb dumb salad. I've met cats and dogs smarter then those two. But that's why we work with them, cause they go to jail and not us, its perfect.

Scootaloo; you know, hard days aside, and everyone has hard days, I think Rarity and Rainbow Dash really respect us.
Sweetie Belle; yeah they can act hard but they got a lot on their plate, I don't wanna sound mushy, but I love those guys.

Rainbow Dash; I just can't stand working with those dicks, they just fuck up so much...

“Alright, Rarity needs some car parts, I donno where we're gonna find them, but its your jobs to help me with that, and I'm hungry so I want some Donairs” Rainbow Dash explained.
“Okay, yeah we can do that, Sweetie Belle and I'll go borrow Bon Bon's car and meet you back here in five!” Scootaloo replied and the two ran off.
The two met back with Rainbow Dash a few moments later, Rainbow telling them to first go to Gulp 'n' Donair, then deciding to simply steal car parts from the cars there.
“Come on you dicks! Hurry it up” Rainbow Dash shouted throwing a can at the two as they tried to take parts out of a car.
She sighed after a few moments, throwing what was left of her donair behind her and went outback to take a pee, upon returning saw the police showed up and were arresting Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.
“Oh fuck, those idiots did fuck up! Now what am I gonna do?!” Rainbow muttered to herself, angrily, and slipped away behind the strip mall and walked back to the park.

“Fucking Dicks!”