Why Can't Time Stand Still
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
“I let my past go too fast
No time to pause
If I could slow it all down
Like some captain
Whose ship runs aground
I can wait until the tide comes around…”
-Time Stand Still by Rush
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
I’m Fluttershy, the alleged “Element of Kindness”, notorious for having the biggest heart out of anyone in Ponyville. I am no braggart, but not confirming the statement as fact would be odd. For as long as I could remember, I had lived in Ponyville, more precisely, a cottage on the edge of the Everfree Forest with no other company in my home other than my animals.
Friendship had been the driving object in my life. From the day I first met Rainbow Dash to helping defeat Chrysalis and beyond, that magic word has followed me. I was led to believe that friendship would last forever. I mean, why shouldn’t it? It conquers the forces of evil and keeps everypony together. Why would such a powerful force decay so quickly?
I will tell you now; I was dead wrong.
I’m going to assume you’ve heard of our adventures and conquests before; after all, we’ve been in the papers nearly as much as Princess Celestia herself. Us six were the best of friends and did all sorts of zany, crazy things, like delivering an entire tree to another town or becoming the main characters of a (for the most part) six-mare play.
But somehow… after all this time, we fell apart. We’re all living different lives, living in different places, and worst of all, never talk to each other anymore. Even a letter from Twilight is rarer than a benevolent dragon these days.
Now that everypony is gone, not gone gone, mind you; I just follow a basic life now. Get up, feed the animals, read a book or something, feed the animals again, take a nostalgic walk around town or something, feed the animals once more, go to bed, repeat, almost no alteration for years.
Not that it’s a surprise to anypony, but I’m somewhat of an anti-socialite. I never did like Pinkie Pie’s larger parties and absolutely disdained being the center of attention. Heck, my own name gives it away! Fluttershy for crying out loud! You can only imagine how many friends I made after my friends left.
As for love… ugh… that was far out of my reach. I learned that love may well be even more powerful than friendship at the Royal Wedding. The magic I saw unfold before my eyes inspired me to ask out the stallion I’ve been pining after. I was going to go through with that plan… Up until I discovered he had already found someone after my return to Ponyville.
As for what happened after all those years, now in the present day? They’re married. With foals.
I never would have thought it to be possible, but I have truly come to a new revelation that cannot be denied.
I hated my life.
I have never hated anything before; not my childhood bullies, not Gilda, not my crush’s wife, not Trixie, not Discord, not Chrysalis, only my life.
I can’t stand it anymore. My friends are long gone, my love-life is nonexistent, and the Elements of Harmony have virtually no need thanks to Shining Armor’s buffed up military. Heck, the only reason why I’m still around is because my animals still need somepony to take care of them.
If it weren’t for those furry, little guys, I… I really wouldn’t see any reason to stick around. If I were to die tomorrow, would anypony notice? Would anypony care?
Oh my… I didn’t realize how dark that sounded. This isn’t right… It’s like I’m not even me anymore! Why did my life have to turn around? I was fine before, but now… I’m absolutely miserable.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
“I…” I quietly whispered. “I… didn’t really want to tell you… at least not so soon,”
“Why don’t ya?” He asked. His sweet voice sounded so angelic to my ears.
“Because…” I just couldn’t bring myself to spit it out. “B-because… I sorta...” At that point, not even I could hear what I said.
“Yer sorta…?” My crush repeated, trying to get an answer out of me. Why was it so difficult? Just say those three Celestia-forsaken words already!
“I love y-”
Ringringringringring!
I shot awake immediately. Ugh… that dream again. It was bad enough I was still in love with that already-married stallion, but I’ve been having that dream for quite a while now.
With a groan, I shifted my weight so I could face the alarm clock and stop its ringing. I sighed, still in bed. The sunlight peeked in from the opening in my curtains, but I didn’t feel like getting up. Right now, I was really longing for somepony to… I don’t know, talk to? Hug? Anything really? Just because I’ve been living in near-total solitude for the past several years doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely.
I sat there in my bed, just staring at the ceiling, contemplating again. Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, even to the point where my new pet bunny, Spirit, (Angel passed away last year; even he had a more active love life than I did) has to give me a good thump with his foot to wake me out of my daydreams.
My thoughts this morning went to my crush. If you haven’t guessed at this point, it’s Big Macintosh, the stud of the entire town, the only stallion who managed to carry a house, and according to the little amount of gossip that I ever hear, was one of the best lovers on this side of the planet. Life is practically mocking me by making the place he lives at only a few short minutes away from my own home.
As for his wife and kids… oh Celestia, that’s one of the last things I’d ever want to talk about. They practically define my failure of ever managing to get that handsome devil of a stallion to notice me. Bah, why do I even care anymore? He’s got her, she’s got him, there’s the happy ending! Time to wrap up the story book and send the kiddies off to bed!
Happy ending… Pfft… Fairy tales don’t happen. They just don’t. Here I am, savior of the world, one of the key components for the Elements of Harmony, never thinking about myself before anypony else, took care of animals and made sure everypony around was being treated fairly, and what do I get? My entire life shattered slowly before my eyes.
All my friends were amazing too, they got their happy endings. Twilight’s the royal Librarian of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, Rainbow Dash is the new leader of the Wonderbolts, Applejack is managing Sweet Apple Acres (with a husband, nonetheless), Rarity’s the hottest fashionista in Canterlot, Pinkie Pie’s living a comfortable life hosting parties all over the world, and me? I’m living alone in a cottage filled with animals.
Just where is my happy ending?
Ugh… I put my vicious thoughts behind me for the moment. I don’t need this much negativity so early in the morning.
With some effort, I pulled myself out of bed and rubbed the dust out of my eyes. I headed into the bathroom to fix my mane. I haven’t done this in a few days, as I did not plan to leave my home for those days. Today, however, I needed to get some more food for my animals and, at the very least, needed to look half decent. I didn’t need to look like a homeless wreck (though sure felt like one at the moment).
I let the water run onto hooves before I fix my bed-head. I yawned as I ran my hooves through my mane, flattening parts of my mane that felt like staying up. I picked up my brush and went through my hair with it. Once I’m done, I look up at the mirror and take a good like at myself.
I recall the time that Pinkie had (scarily, if I may add) gone insane over the assumption that we forgot all about her after-party for Gummy. Her coat and mane became so much duller and straighter during her insanity scene. I’m not exactly sure how it happens, but it’s happening to me now.
My mane and tail were practically lifeless compared to their former vitality. The long hairs were a gray-pink hybrid of colors. My coat also visibly dulled. What used to be butter-light yellow was now almost a dull, pale yellow color with a splatter of gray.
I remembered way back when stallions would try to flirt with me that they would tell me I had beautiful, bright, blue eyes. Now? They’re ugly, dull, and almost entirely dark gray, only hints of cyan reminding me of their former glory. If that wasn’t enough, they’ve got noticeable bags under them, thanks to my inability to have a restful sleep.
I did notice a pattern of changes over the years. After about a year after I found out Big Macintosh had married her, I noticed a sudden shade of gray in my colors. It was pretty embarrassing, considering how everypony else was vibrant and colorful, and suddenly there’s an unnaturally grayish pony among them. And over time, I became progressively duller as my life headed further downhill.
You see, I did some research by getting a few books from the library (after Twilight left for Canterlot, it was taken over by some other pony, Written Script I believe) and found out something a little eye-opening for me. It was a very long chapter, but in short, when a pony loses all hope, they lose their color and become gray. The more horribly depressed they are, the less color they have.
I think I’m at the lowest possible point in my life, considering how there is nearly no color left in that mirror in front of me, although I can still pick out the pink and yellow still remaining.
I sigh. No doubt that ponies will notice my odd colors and more-than-likely mock me for it. I mentally decide to wear my bright-blue dress that had a hood to hide myself. It’s sad when your clothing starts having more favorable qualities than you. With the plan in mind, I grab my dress and throw it on as I walk downstairs. Before I leave, I remember to grab my light green saddlebags that I know already had money in them. I ensure myself my dress is on as I open the door.
I had nearly forgotten that it was wintertime. The falling snow and chilly breeze pierced my skin and into my bones, even past the dress and fur. It might feel a little silly wearing a casual dress in freezing weather, but I didn’t feel like changing into my boots and scarf; it’s not like I had anypony to impress. With a muffled “burr,” I put my hood on.
The beautiful snowflakes floated onto the ground as I began my journey to the marketplace which, unfortunately for an anti-socialite as me, was in the center of town. I just hope the dealers keep their prices at regular levels instead of just spontaneously raising when they see me.
As I walk, I couldn’t help but notice the winter’s unique atmosphere. I didn’t get out much anymore, especially when it was snowing, so this was a special occasion. I watched my breath turn thick as I exhaled, then inhale the icy air. Every other minute or so I’d stop to shake the snow off of my dress.
I felt the cold snow under my hooves as I walked. It felt nice to walk on something that wasn’t the hardwood floors of my home or the dry dirt in my backyard. I made a mental note to walk around in the snow more often.
There’s something about the winter weather that’s enchanting. Is it the unique, cold breeze that replaces the warm winds of summer? Or the blankets of snow that now cover the ground and roofs? For me… I’m not entirely sure. The snowfall is beautiful and I like the rush of cold against my body, but they just don’t seem to highlight the season enough for me.
Before I knew it, I was at the Ponyville entrance. I’m surprised it only took me a couple minutes for me to get here. I guess I haven’t traveled to Ponyville for quite a while. I adjust my dress a little bit and head into town.
Unsurprisingly, the sound of chatter from other ponies and the laughter of playing fillies and colts filled the air, a nice contrast from the stinging cold. I reminisce of the days when I did the same, building snowponies when I was a little filly and talking with my friends over hot chocolate at the Red Leaf Café. They’re only bittersweet memories now.
I shake my head to myself. No time for chaining thoughts together. I just had to get some healthy vegetables for my animals and I would be on my way.
I look around, searching for the marketplace. I notice the still-running Sugar Cube Corner on my right. The bakery was packed with customers, most likely buying hot baked treats like fresh cookies or something similar. I could still remember a multitude of parties that were held there and eating sugary treats.
The Cakes still run Sugar Cube Corner, though the twins are now schoolfillies and occasionally help out in the store. Pinkie Pie must have been teaching them some of her tricks when she babysat, they still occasionally disappear and suddenly reappear, or just stare and maybe wave, as if looking at somepony who wasn’t there.
My thoughts soon wander to Pinkie Pie, the pony who had the inexplicable talent of managing to cheer me up no matter how awfully I was feeling. I remember myself crying in bitterness when I found out Big Macintosh was dating somepony else and how Pinkie Pie threw a “Cheering-Up-Our-Friend-Who-Had-Her-Heart-Broken-And-I-Would-Tell-You-Who-Did-It-But-I-Pinkie-Pie-Swore-That-I-Wouldn’t-Tell-A-Soul” party. At least she tried.
Pinkie Pie had been traveling all over the world as a “world-wide party thrower,” as she put it in her fliers. Advertisements for “Pinkie’s Signature Party Packages” were in nearly every newspaper, including the Canterlot Records, of all things. From the latest I’ve heard, she successfully pulled off a rather large party for some pegasi yearlings in Cloudsdale, despite not being able to stand on the clouds.
The rest of her personal life was sure a lot more exceptional than mine. With all the money that she made, she bought a pretty, pink mansion in Fillydelphia and met a stallion who she later married. I never did find out his name.
I frown. I still had trouble grasping the fact that such a ridiculous and even childish pony managed to fair out so much better than I ever did. The thought practically defied logic itself.
Taking a few steps forward, I decide to leave the bakery behind. No logic in just standing in front of a hunger-inducing bakery reminiscing about a friend whose mane resembled cotton candy.
I continue my walk. The snow still fell, though it was lighter than before. I can see several ponies walking about talking. In fact, I’m pretty sure that those two mares over there were that pink and gray duo that the former Cutie-Mark-Crusaders would lament about.
Even further down the road, I pick out ponies I’ve remembered or seen. There’s Lyra and Bon-Bon by the benches talking, Berry Punch coming out of her house, and I’m pretty sure that’s Cloudkicker moving the gray cloud out of boredom.
It wasn’t much longer until I ran into the former-Carousel Boutique, now a donut shop, of all things. Rarity’s home/dress shop was the housing of so many great designs and clothings. In fact, the blue dress I was wearing right now was one of the last things made by Rarity before she moved to Canterlot.
Rarity would have been happy to see me wearing this old dress again. She loved it when we wore her clothes; to her it was essentially being told “I love your dress so much that I’m wearing it more than just once.” Rarity went on to become one of the most well-known clothing designers in all of Equestria. Practically everypony in Canterlot wears her clothes.
I couldn’t help but try my best to remember what the latest headline about her said, “Eccentric Dress Steals Show” if I recall. It had Rarity’s face in the black-and-white newspaper. Even if she was older, she still had the grace and beauty she did years ago. She also did start wearing a bit more makeup.
Trying to recall, I remember that Rarity had moved to Canterlot, much like Twilight did. I don’t remember if she has a husband or not, and considering how outrageously unreliable the Equestrian tabloids are, I highly doubt I’ll ever know.
Had this been an earlier time, I would’ve heard from her mouth myself. We used to be close, but somehow… we just drifted, just like how the rest of us did. Friendship just doesn’t last forever like I used to think. Hmm…
Once again, I force myself to ignore any memories and trudge past the donut shop. I just wanted to get food for my animals.
I continue my walk, keeping a constant awareness of the snow falling. Every now and then I shake the snow off of dress. I keep looking ahead, not really paying attention to where I’m going, but instead eyeing the snowflakes and admiring their designs. They were so intricate and beautiful. The pegasi who made these must have been really talented.
“Hey, watch it!” I snap back to reality. Apparently, I had just bumped into a brown stallion.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized meekly. “I wasn’t paying attention…”
The stallion glared at me before shoving past me. I vaguely heard him mutter something along the lines of “hueless little…” Well… he called me something synonymous to a female dog.
It was moments like these that made me feel extra worthless. It was enough that everypony I knew and loved has forgotten about me and my entire future is seemingly filled with despair, but strangers treating me like garbage nearly every time I go outside? No difference from kicking a pony when she’s down.
Of course, the old assertiveness lessons I took years and years ago should’ve worked, but the ‘don’t-want-to-be-pushed-around’ spirit just died with the color of my mane. Plus, I doubt it would have even worked on such careless ponies.
I hung my head and slightly tightened my hoodie. I don’t even want to be outside. Too many mean ponies, too many memories, and it was just too cold.
As I walk by Cheerilee’s schoolhouse, I notice some yearling colts hanging out in the park nearby. I heard some of them laughing at me. I hear all sorts of mocking phrases like “gray tail” or “hideous hood.” I could’ve even sworn one called me “Fluttershame.” They appear to be getting slightly more creative with these names.
On the occasion that I did walk by the school on weekdays, I would hear a great deal of mocking and name-calling from the building during recess times. One colt had gotten a little over his head and yelled out a few words that managed to get himself into detention.
I briefly wonder where the former Cutie Mark Crusaders are now. If I am correct, they should be about the same age as our little group was, more specifically, when we all first met. I remembered seeing them as I went into town for similar reasons as today a few weeks ago. I was disappointingly unsurprised when did not notice me, their former foalsitter.
Seeing those fillies again made me feel bitter and envious. They were still friends and had their futures looking far better than mine. I know I sound mean for thinking so savagely about their friendship, but I… hmm… I really don’t know anymore, not like I ever had a clue in the beginning anyway.
After what seemed like an eternity of walking, I finally got to the Ponyville marketplace. Plenty of ponies, despite the chilly weather, were out buying, bargaining, and trading today. Soon, I would be joining the crowd.
I take the moment to briefly think about what I would need. Definitely more lettuce, more bird seeds and… oh no, more apples.
I usually skipped getting apples, as every time Sweet Apple Acres had its stand up Big Macintosh was the one managing the stand. On occasions, Cheerilee or Apple Bloom would also be at the stand, giving me only further excuses to avoid encounters with the apple stand.
I could never bring myself to talk to Big Macintosh, especially after he got married. Why would I? He’s officially taken and he probably doesn’t even remember me. Actually, now that I think about it, he probably doesn’t even know me, period. I never had the courage to say anything other than “hi” to him, and even then it was only twice. Okay, maybe Applejack, Apple Bloom, or Cheerilee mentioned me to him, but he virtually has no idea I exist.
Unfortunately for me, my animals had been non-verbally showing their dissatisfaction of the lack of the crisp fruit in their diets, so I promised them I’d get some. I sighed and decided to leave the apples for last.
I head into the crowd and start searching for the lettuce stand. It doesn’t take me that long to find the light-green shop, already serving a few people.
I get in line, looking around to pass the waiting time. As if fate would have it, I notice yet another artifact of my former life: the Ponyville Library.
I fondly remembered the times I would just come over to chat with Twilight or ask for any recommendations. And of course, there was the occasional slumber party. Even when Equestria was in certain peril back in the day, we would rally at the library. Ironically, we hardly ever checked out any books (Rainbow Dash being the sole exception).
Twilight had gone back to Canterlot to serve as the Librarian in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, not very surprising, but she was very successful nonetheless. It’s funny how she ends up returning to the very place that helped shape her own future.
“Next!”
I snap back to reality, noticing that the pony in front of me had just left. Thankfully, I didn’t have to be called multiple times like last time. I am quick to pay up the ten bits for several heads of lettuce and stuff them into my saddlebags.
Okay, so far so good. I had managed to already get one item without making a disastrous scene. I can only hope that when I go get the bird seeds and apples, it’s a similar routine.
The bird seed stand owner wasn’t much farther away. Unlike the lettuce stand, there weren’t many ponies there. In fact, the owner’s patrolling birds outnumbered the customers as they circled around the stand.
I couldn’t help but appreciate how beautiful the birds were as they flew. The pony who owned these creatures must have been very talented with these birds, considering they haven’t left the vicinity of the stand and are even performing some formations in the air, reminiscent of a Wonderbolts show.
Being… well, me, I was not socially adept, as I’ve pointed out previously. Now, I also am gray, the kind of gray caused by being depressive, I’ve also pointed this out previously. And finally, let me remind you that ponies tend not to treat me nicely because of my colors and my poor social capabilities. Coupling all of this together, I am an absolute mess in public, a fact I sometimes forget.
“You have very beautiful birds.” I complimented to the stand owner after I bought the seeds I needed.
“Uhh…” The other pony said in a very “I don’t have time for you” way. “Thanks… Now can you step aside? I’ve got other customers.”
I dejectedly walk away from the stand, feeling very stupid. I should have just kept my big mouth shut. No one wanted to hear my opinion or see my face. I sigh. It’s an agonizing existence, knowing nopony cares about you.
I look up into the sky at the birds again, wanting to appreciate their beauty a bit more before continuing. They synchronize their speedy flying, coming close together. Then they make a curve upwards and then separate into different directions, the exact formation of one of the Wonderbolts’ signature forms.
Wonderbolts. Rainbow Dash had always wanted to be one, and she did. She’s hanging out with some of the biggest celebrities in Equestria because of her superb flying. From the latest gossip, she’s been going out with another Wonderbolt, Soarin’, but every week for the past several months the gossip has changed her dating status to some other pony.
It feels disheartening, knowing that your first ever friend has now practically forgotten all about you and your exploits together. Is that really how friendship is? Best friends for a few years, then complete strangers after? Is this what the magic is supposed to be imbued in?
I shake off the thoughts; I had a much bigger problem to tackle next. I swallow in anxiety. This will definitely be the toughest part of my day, and the toughest day out of any other day in the past few months. It will take every ounce of courage, strength, and cunning (all of which are very lacking) that I have to overcome this challenge.
I was going to buy apples from Big Macintosh.
As I try to find his stand in the big marketplace, I constantly tell myself, “Just go and buy some apples, you don’t even have to talk to him, maybe just point at the red delicious that you need.” Of course, it sounded simple. But there’s just something about that stallion that made me fall for him. Was it because he had a muscular, attractive physique? Or was it his quiet, caring nature that practically mirrored mine? Whatever it was, I was still harboring my dumb crush on the lovable stallion.
The Apple Family’s stall was not hard to find, as it was the only stand with a very large red apple sign sticking out of the top about ten feet into the air, making it easy to spot. I walked over to the stand and, much to my discomfort, Big Macintosh was running the stand again.
I hesitate about going up to the handsome stallion and buying his apples, both because I actually had to go up to him and because of the significantly busy line that, no doubt I’d be in for a while. Can’t skip it this time; my rabbits were getting agitated from the lack of the moist fruit lately.
I get in line. There are about fifteen or so ponies in front of me, so I knew this would take some time. I sighed and decided to look around to pass the waiting time.
I notice the friendly ponies talking amongst themselves, shopping and browsing as they socialized. I pick out several more ponies that instantly came to mind as I saw them. There’s Derpy over by the muffin stand with her family, the Flower Trio of Lily, Daisy, and Rose, and Berry Punch with her now-adult foal, Berry Pinch.
The line shrunk to about eight ponies. I decide to look up at the sky. I squint to avoid having snow fall into my eyes. Even though it’s snowing, the sun is still out, creating a shine against the snow below. I can see Cloudsdale from my spot and its famous rainbow factory. A bit to the right of it I also see Rainbow’s former home.
I must have been staring at the sky longer than I thought, because a rough nudge from behind me told me that there were only three ponies in front of me. My heart starts beating rapidly and thoughts of how to greet him are going through my head.
Should I just keep quiet and point to whichever apples I needed? No… that would be rude…
Two ponies left.
Get into a conversation? Well, I don’t exactly have anything to talk about…
Only one pony left.
Oh my goodness oh my goodness, stop serving customers so quickly!
The red mare in front of me left and I was finally out of time. Here I was, confronting Big Macintosh.
I walk up closer and mumble a weak, “Hello.” I can’t bring myself to look him in the eye. I was never able to do it years ago; I definitely won’t be able to now.
Out of the very tip of my eyes I could barely see Big Macintosh’s stoic face. He hasn’t changed a bit. “Howdy,” he said. His voice hasn’t changed either. “What can ah getcha?”
“Umm…” I said indecisively. “I-I’ll take a… peck of r-red delicious a-apples please.” I couldn’t believe how stupid I sounded, stuttering after every other word.
Feeling that Big Macintosh had finally turned away from me, I lift my head back up. There are several large baskets behind the stand, each one about halfway filled with apples. He’s already filling up a smaller one with red apples.
I couldn’t help but stare at the handsome stallion. Age hasn’t done any damage to him yet –though I think his mane is a tad bit longer. How I would love those strong forelegs wrapped around me… Agh! What am I thinking?! He’s a married pony, completely, 100%, off-bounds.
And that was the worst part of it all, is that the somepony that I fell head over hooves for was taken. My attraction to him was like one out of a little filly’s storybook; the only one in the world for me, I’d never love another stallion, he is Mr. Perfect. Unfortunately, it was no fairy tale. He never noticed me, he went for somepony else and I was left longing after him like a puppy that couldn’t his treat that was a few inches out of reach.
And from what would soon unfold, my torment would not end soon.
Big Macintosh tied up the basket and was just about to bring it to me until he caught eye of a magenta mare heading towards him. He put the basket aside and mouthed, “’Scuse me, mam,” to me before heading towards her.
I only watched with envy as they kissed briefly when they got within touching range.
“Howdy, sugarcube,” Big Macintosh said, grinning. “What brings ya over here, hon?”
“Well,” Cheerilee said, also smiling. “I was getting a few more supplies for the classroom and thought, ‘Why not stop by my hubby’s stand?’”
I felt a mixture of sick, guilty, jealous, and downright venomous towards the scene unfolding. They both looked so happy and care-free. I could practically feel their deep emotions for each other, and it was stinging me worse than a killer bee attack.
“The kids also wanted me to pick up some of their favorite cupcakes when I go pick them up from Braeburn’s.” Cheerilee continued. “Once you’re done here, we can go pick them up together.”
“Sounds good,” Big Macintosh replied, giving her a peck on the cheek. “Ah gotta get back to the stand. Somepony’s been waiting for quite a bit. Looked a bit familiar, but hey, I wouldn’t know.”
Of course, he wouldn’t know me. Even when I was spying on him from the trees on the farm, he never noticed. He would never know about me or my feelings.
Cheerilee looked past Big Macintosh briefly to see exactly who he was talking about. I noticed the odd look she was giving me, as if she were looking at some kind of ugly mutant, which I might as well have been.
“Oh,” she said, suddenly not as interested or happy as before. “In that case, let me stop interrupting you.”
“Hey,” Big Macintosh said, detecting a problem. “There ain’t a problem with me serving somepony, is there?”
“No, no,” Cheerilee replied. “It’s just that… Well, that’s Fluttershy.”
“Who?”
If it weren’t for the fact I was still waiting in line for my apples, I would’ve just huddled into a corner and sulked right about now.
“One of your sister’s friends,” Cheerilee explained. “Well… from what I’ve been told by nigh-everypony, she’s been harboring a crush on you for years.”
Oh. Dear. Celestia.
“Wait, who’s been tellin’ ya this?” Big Macintosh asked, interested. Ohh… Why did he have to bring me up?!
“Everypony saw it was obvious.” Cheerilee said. Oh… shut up shut up shut up! “In fact, that other pegasus, Rainbow Dash I believe, saw her hanging around your farm in the trees at times when you were working.”
Big Macintosh looked back to me. A face of disgust mixed with confusion was staring at me. I hid further under my hoodie. This day couldn’t possibly get any worse.
He turned back to his wife. “That’s… really creepy,” Big Macintosh said after a while. “She’s lookin’ a might too skinny to be anything near attractive. Plus, she’s got the ugliest colors I’ve ever seen on anypony. Pink and gray don’t mix.”
The impact of those words hit me harder than anything I have ever felt. I’m a creep… weirdo... and the most undesirable pony to have ever lived right now. What am I even doing here? I should have just stayed back home!
“What she’s doing here, I wonder…” Cheerilee said suspiciously. “Not trying to woo my hubby, I hope.”
“Well,” Big Macintosh said, two firm eyes locked into a more hateful expression. “I ain’t toleratin’ anypony who’s out to ruin a perfectly fine relationship.”
Out to ruin?! I couldn’t believe my ears. I could hear the tone of anger in his voice. This was awful, just awful… And yet, the more I heard them… I suddenly found myself agreeing with them.
I was not a pretty mare, not by a long shot. My colors were the ugliest gray shades I’ve seen. And how I’ve been trying to spy on Big Macintosh years and years ago? I felt revolted at myself. Pathetic, worthless, meaningless, undeserving, repulsive… I… I…
I couldn’t take it.
Tears were rolling down my face as I kept my head turned towards the ground. I hated who I am. I hated what I’ve become. Why couldn't I just go away and leave everypony in peace?!
“Miss?” I heard that Southern-accented voice. I could tell from his tone he was absolutely disgusted with me. “Are ya gonna be payin’ fer this?”
Without caring or knowing what I was doing, I angrily take off my saddlebags and throw them onto the counter. “Take it. Keep your apples. I’m done.”
I didn’t care if about fifty other ponies were staring at the scene I made. I didn’t care that I ran off back to my house with no bits or food. I didn’t care. I don’t want to care anymore.
I ran for what seemed like hours, though it was really only a few minutes. Fresh tears kept coming out my eyes and there was a burning pain I could feel in my chest. I saw my cottage and dashed faster. I wanted lock everypony out and away from me.
I ran to the door, opened it, and then slammed it shut as I entered my house. The few animals that were still inside right now looked up at me, but I ignored them. I flew up the stairs and back into my room, slamming that door as well.
I jumped onto my bed and bawled like a baby into the sheets. I cried, screamed, and flailed pathetically in my bed. I couldn’t understand. Why did I have to get stuck with this damnable excuse of a life? My friends are gone, my small hope for any romance is gone, even my Celestia-damn physical appearance is nothing.
I cried and cried, making my sheets wet with tears. I was screaming so loudly that my own ears were hurting. I was kicking the pillows hard enough to actually tear through a few of them. I banged my head against the mattress. I was hurting so much and it was unbearable.
It must have been hours that I just sat there crying and crying. My whole life was just not worth it. Nopony cared, nopony noticed, nopony came. It was just me, myself, and I, and it was lonely to the point where it hurt.
My chest was filled with the most unbearable, burning sensation I ever felt. Almost as though an entire part of my heart was missing or cut out. I had done my research before, if an emotion was strong enough, you could physically feel its effects. Right now, I was learning that depression, loneliness, and helplessness were more painful than being split in two.
The nonstop crying and pain was just too much; it made me tired. Eventually, I curled up into the most compact ball I ever became and cried myself to sleep.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
“I…” I quietly whispered. “I… didn’t really want to tell you… at least not so soon,”
“Why don’t ya?” He asked. His sweet voice sounded angelic to my ears.
“Because…” I just couldn’t bring myself to spit it out. “B-because… I sorta...” At that point, not even I could hear what I said.
“Yer sorta…?” Big Macintosh repeated, trying to get an answer out of me. Why was it so difficult? Just say those three Celestia-forsaken words already!
“I love you.” I squeaked.
Instead of being happy, or shouting “Ah love ya too,” I got something else.
His face suddenly became full of disdain and hatred. “Ah knew there was somethin’ up with you, dumb girl,”
“W-W-What?” I shakily said. Why was he so hateful?
“You’re nothin’. Just another hopeless, brain-dead, stupid mare aimin’ too high.”
“B-b-but-”
“But NOTHING! You ain’t got nothin’ fer yourself.”
Big Macintosh had a swirly, green aura surround him, then transformed into the most toughest, most horrifying Changeling I had ever seen. Huge, pointy fangs for teeth, bloody red hooves, his eyes were red and fiery, very strange for a Changeling.
“H-h-how…” I stuttered.
“Oh come now.” The changeling said. “Did you really think you would ever have a chance with anypony, let alone ‘Big Macky’? Look around you,”
I obeyed, and saw them all behind me. Twilight, Pinkie, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash… even the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Spike were all there. One by one, they all transformed into equally terrifying Changelings. I was surrounded and my heart was beating faster than I could ever imagine.
“Your friends were never there,” The big changeling triumphantly gloated. “They never cared because they were never your friends!”
“Th-th-that’s n-not true!” I squeaked back, though very unconfident in my words.
The Changeling wickedly laughed. “You’re only lying to yourself! You haven’t had a friend in years, you never did.”
He approached me as I backed up. I bumped into the other changelings. I had nowhere to run. He was grinning maniacally. With all his breath, he yelled out.
“YOU’RE ALL ALONE.”
“AHH!”
I awoke with a startle. That was the worst nightmare I had ever experienced. I felt so much fear from those false images.
And then I remembered, those images weren’t so false.
My dream made me start thinking. Why would my friends all abandon me? Why didn’t they bother visiting or even writing a letter? Some “friends” indeed.
I felt sweat running down my face. The dream was just that bad. I tiredly walk over to the bathroom, to tired and stressed to bother walking at any speed faster than a tortoise.
As I’m throwing water onto my face, I notice something about the mirror. I look into it and- no! That can’t be right. My eyes must be playing games with me. I know I was tough to look at now, but…
I put some extra water in my eyes and rub out any gunk in them and look into the mirror again. I just can’t believe it.
I was entirely gray. There was no more pink in my mane, yellow in my coat, or blue in my eyes. It was all in grayscale. I couldn’t believe it. And I knew exactly what this meant. I was completely, utterly, 100%, in deep in despair, depression, and sadness.
And I felt it.
The pain in my chest was still there. My breathing is shaky and I’m still sniffling from crying earlier. I don’t know what to do anymore. There was nopony in the world that would care if I were dead. Not Twilight, not Rarity, not Rainbow Dash, nopony at all.
… No pony at all…
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
It’s been three days since the day I discovered my total loss of color. The pain in my heart has been growing steadily and every day I feel lonely and tired; specifically, more than usual. I haven’t left my house and my animals are all concerned.
For years I’ve felt nothing but the agony and pain of being isolated from the world. For years I’ve felt nothing but the killing loneliness that formed when our friendship dissolved. For years, I wanted to pain to end.
I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, if I did something different or just said something, I wouldn’t be in the mess I am today. Heck, I would be nowhere near as depressed as I am now if I even had at least one of my old friends to write to.
But now, it’s far too late to reconcile. I know that I’ll never forgive myself for what I’m going to do next. I know that if anypony ever found out about what I was going to do, they’d shame me forever. But it needs to end.
I tied up my bindle. It only held about three days worth of food, maybe a little too much for what I was planning. Maybe I should’ve left it half empty?
I slowly walk downstairs, taking note of the lack of animals. Without me, nopony would care for the animals, so I set them free. A lot of them, so used to the comfort of living domesticated, had to be donated to a zoo that somepony was planning to build in Ponyville. I’m sure they’d like it there. The domestic animals, however, were sent to a pet shop. The mare there gave me the only genuine "thank you" I've heard in years.
Almost everything is gone, as if my home were robbed clean. I had given everything away, to strangers and vaguely familiar ponies. I even sent a tiny pair of purple aviator goggles to Rainbow Dash, who still had Tank. I left my empty cottage.
I turn towards the direction of my backyard, the vast Everfree Forest in view. It was a very beautiful habitat, but very dangerous. I smile sadly. It wouldn’t be that much longer.
Soon, my pain will end. The torment of being alone forever will dissipate. Who knows? I might even meet my parents and Angel again. It’s been a very long time since I saw any of them.
The years of isolation will become forgotten and painless. I can finally forget all about the sadness, anger, and loneliness that I’ve endured for so long.
As I walk forward to my doom, I hear one of my animals. I found it odd, considering I had given just about all of them away. I turn towards the direction of the calls to see a sad-faced shepherd dog heading right for me.
He slows down once he gets close and shows off his big, pleading eyes. He was one of the many animals I had, though it’s a wonder how he managed to get out of the pound.
I rubbed his head briefly before kindly shooing him. “Come on now, go back to the pound. I’m not going to be able to care for you where I’m going.”
The dog, understanding me, dejectedly hung his head. It made me feel sad, seeing the proud creature so depressed. I could immediately tell that he didn’t want to go to the pound, but he couldn’t stay with me. He just wanted somepony to care for him.
I looked back at the forest, then back at the dog. “I’m really, really sorry,” I quietly said, sitting down next to the dog and putting my bindle on the ground. “But I have to go… I won’t come back…”
I can feel myself trembling as I spoke. I looked at the decision. I was going to the Everfree Forest to die, thinking I would be better off dead than alive. Yet even after I tried my best to make sure my things went to good ponies who needed them and trying to get my animals to happy homes, I still failed this one, sad shepherd dog.
I pat his head. “I-I wish I had the heart to stay,” I sniffled, wiping a newly-formed tear out of my eye. “But… I can’t go on anymore. Everypony else has abandoned me. You’d be much better off with somepony who can love you better than I ever could.”
The dog looked at me, tears forming in his tears as well.
“I wish that…” I whisper, mostly to myself. “I could just make time stand still. I want to go back to the old days when the worst of my worries was which day to anticipate a surprise Pinkie Pie party. I want to go have adventures with my friends again. I want to have my friends back… I want my stallion… I want to go back.
“If I could turn time back, I could relive the old days of being with my friends and all those happy memories. Going to parties and traveling all over the world… the life, I was living it, but now it’s faded away. How did that old saying go? ‘Every day has its dawn…’ I found that one out the hard way, and the sun isn’t rising again.
“I feel a little silly, talking to you,” I continue. The dog seemed to understand, not taking his depressed eyes off me. “But I’ll admit, you’re the only one who’s ever wanted to listen to me in so long. I’d imagine you could make an owner very happy.” I rub his back again with my gray hoof. He whimpered, begging me not to go.
I sigh. “I wish I could do something…”
I looked up, noticing how the sun was slowly starting to set. Orange filled the sky, one of the few things I enjoyed as a lone mare. I close my eyes and feel the warmth and enjoying the silence. This may be the last time I see Celestia’s sun set.
I open my eyes and look out towards Ponyville. I happen to notice Sweet Apple Acres again. The home of the stallion I loved so much. I couldn’t bear to see him again, especially after that day. I wish I could at least give him something to let him remember me.
“I think…” I slowly said. I smile weakly at the dog. “I’ll make one last errand before I disappear…”
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
I hastily ran back to my cottage. I decided that if I was going to go, I might as well leave a little something behind.
The dog, which I named “Haralson,” wanted an owner, but not one while waiting at the pound. I decided to sneak him into Sweet Apple Acres and let Big Macintosh “accidentally” find him. I hope he makes the big pony happy.
I look back at Ponyville one last time from my front yard. It was nighttime and would’ve been pitch black had it not been for the many stars in the sky. This was it. I would leave the place I lived in for so long and leave behind every memory of good times and bad.
I decided to say a few words to the town before my departure.
I sighed. “Goodbye Ponyville,” I quietly said. “I’ll miss you and everypony in there. The crazies, the sane… the pretty, the ugly… the kind, the mean… everypony and everything.
I close my eyes, and speak farewells. “Goodbye Twilight. Thank you for the teachings and adventures that started ever since you arrived. May Celestia have your loyalty and talent.
“Goodbye Rarity. You were the best friend I ever had and the most generous soul I ever met. I hope your career lasts for a long, long time.
“Goodbye Rainbow Dash. You taught me so much ever since I met you and could never repay you for all that you’ve done for me. I hope you have a great, long life ahead of you.
“Goodbye Applejack. You were kind, honest, and the one who never gave up no matter what. I hope you have the best harvests in all of Equestria… I know you like a plentiful harvest.
“Goodbye Pinkie Pie. You were the heart of our group. You were funny and fun to be around. I hope you never have to stop the party.
“Finally… Goodbye Big Macintosh. You don’t know me well, if at all, but I just hope that you and Cheerilee have a wonderful, happy life together.
“I doubt you guys can hear me, but if you could somehow know about this, then I just want you all to know that you were the best friends anypony could ever ask for. I pray to the princesses that none of you ever have to go through the terrible suffering I had to endure. I would never in a million years ever want such pain to be inflicted onto anypony else.”
I open my misty eyes and look at the forest. I slowly walk towards it. I looked back at Ponyville one more time, appreciating the beautiful moonlight upon the town.
“Farewell, everypony.” I whispered as I trudge into the forest.
I never came back, though I did leave one thing other thing behind. Taped on my front door was a little note. I’m not sure if anypony will ever find it, but if somepony did, I hope he or she gets the message clear.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Everything passes with time, I’ve been taught
Cherish the good moments while they last
Appreciate the friends you’ve got
Don’t let it all fade into the past
All of my friends have gone
Everypony has forgotten
Only little Fluttershy’s hasn’t won
Left unnourished and to become rotten
All I ever wanted was to have my friends back,
To extinguish the pain in my heart,
And maybe get a kiss from Big Mac
But it was not meant from the start
Nothing is left but torments and tears
I’ve left my home on the hill
All I wonder after all these years
Is “Why can’t time stand still?”
