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Oh no, Twilight Sparkle is a broom and Celestia has been kidnapped by a sentient lava lamp!
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"SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP--" Twibroom Sweeple hollered at the top of her not-lungs.
"Twilight!" Spike slammed the door open. He was not yet strong enough to tear it off its hinges like Twilight. "You've been transformed into a broom, and Celestia has gone missing again!"
"SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP--" Twibroom continued to holler. She slapped Spike across the face. "SWEEP!"
"Please, Twilight, for the love of all that is books, you need to save the princess!"
Twibroom stopped for a moment mid-sweep. Slowly, she loomed over Spike.
"Do I look like my name is Mario?"
"Uh--"
"SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP--"
Spike proceeded to be swept out the window.
"Unhand me, foul fiend!" Celestia struggled against her restraints like an uncomfortably large hampster tied up in a ball of telephone cabling. "I'll have you know, I am a Princess of Equestria!"
The lava lamp continued to tie Celestia up in its own power cord. "I was once a goat."
Celestia raised a brow.
"Grogar?"
"Nah. Grogar's my half-brother a tenth removed."
"Might I inquire as to why I have been kidnapped?"
"I am lonely."
Celestia nodded as she unfurled her wings, effortlessly slicing through her restraints and causing great harm to the power cord of the sentient lava lamp. "Understandable, have a nice day."
She proceeded to fly directly into a closed window.
Spike plodded along the lonely world--the only road that he has ever known. There were two strange skeleton dudes hangin' out waiting for a human that he came across, but he pretended not to see them and continued onward because this is an MLP fanfic dangit.
"Dangit Twi, why did you have to choose today to turn into a broom?" Spike muttered under his breath. "Now I'm the one that has to save Equestria!"
He walked right past the royal guards and right past Twilight's friends and right past Princess Luna and right past the United States Army, of which had heard that there was oil somewhere nearby and wanted to negotiate a deal with Celestia. He walked right past Butter Knife too, who was currently screaming inside her cactus box™.
"I have returned from the afterlife once again to drag you back with me!" King Sombra the taco cackled as he rose out of a flower pot. "Spike, your days are numbered!"
Spike raised a brow. "Of course my days are numbered. I use a calendar."
"AAAAAUUUGH!" King Sombra shrieked as he shrunk away into a bean. He was now a smol bean. The absolute teensiest. Smol angy tyrant bean boi. Angy bean boi goes to the time-out corn--
Spike tossed King Sombra the bean into a field of corn.
"Huzzah!" Kween Crispylisp swung down from the crow's nest of a pirate ship that had beached itself so hard that it was now in the middle of the continent. "I am a pirate now and you have me treasure!"
"Not now Chryssi go away to your bug place." Spike walked past the changeling.
It was now time for yet another test of his wit.
The potato field.
Potatojack waved at Spike.
Spike ignored her because she was not Applejack.
"Hey!" Potatojack yelled. "Why are you ignoring me?"
Spike ignored her. Again.
Potatojack burrowed up from underneath Spike. She threw a potato cream pie in his face. "Don'tcha know it's potato season?"
Spike just stood there. Trembling.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Uraniumjack materialized beside Potatojack, shaking her violently. "HE'S GONNA BLOW!"
The two 'jacks leapt out of the way as Spike went super-saiyan and destroyed the entire farm. This power he held, this... purpleness... it all came from the God of Purple, Barney the dinosaur.
See, one day, long long ago, Barney met Shaggy in a cave, and--
Ahem. Moving on.
Spike floated back down to the ground, his magical blonde-green hair fading from existence as he powered down. This was a good test of strength for him.
"SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP SWEEP--" Twibroom sang as she rocketed past Spike. Sunset Glimmer chased after the mare-turned-broom, a wrench in her mouth.
~~dear celestia I have no idea what I'm writing in this mess~~
"Wait! Twilight!" Spike yelled as he gave chase. "Twilight! Where are you going?"
"SWEEP!" Twilight yelled back.
"WHAT ARE YOU SWEEPING?"
"CRIIIIIIIIIME!"
"What."
"Are you enjoying your stay, Princess?" the sentient lava lamp poured another cup of tea for Celestia.
Celestia gave a nod as she sipped from the teacup. "I didn't imagine that a lava lamp--"
"Goat." the lava lamp corrected.
"--yes, goat--enjoyed such fine luxuries as I do myself."
"Well, the circumstances of being a sentient lava lamp are certainly peculiar to say the least. It pays the bills, so to say."
Celestia cocked her head.
"Have you ever seen a lava lamp for sale anywhere in Equestria?"
Celestia shook her head.
"Precisely. I rent my time out."
"Ah. May... I ask why I was kidnapped in the first place?"
"I've told you already I'm lonely and you are a pony."
A loud thump reverberated around the room as Twibroom smacked into the same window that Celestia had earlier on.
A knock came at the door shortly after.
"Come in, I don't bother locking the door as I am a lava lamp." the lava lamp said.
Spike opened the door, panting. "Got... you... you--heck."
He proceeded to collapse on the floor.
"We have another guest." Celestia said calmly.
"Indeed we do."
Spike was propped up on an assortment of various bricks at the end of the table, though he was still unconscious. At some point Twibroom had entered as well, propelled by the rocket booster that Sunset Glimmer had secretly wired into her bristles.
"So I suppose I live here now?" Celestia began after the day's events. She took a bite out of the cake in front of her.
"Yes."
"That's quite alright then, I suppose."
And then Equestria withered away because Celly wasn't there to raise the sun and Twilight was a broom still the end.
Author's Note
wtf brain
