Cultivating the Royal Audience
Being a content creator was probably like slaving under one of the ancient foes of ponykind.
Pipp would have to ask Sunny for the details there, but it felt right. Like the crystal ponies under Emperor Somber Armor, she toiled for hours if not days on her projects, all so her effort could be devoured in moments, her only thanks her insatiable master’s demands for more. Like the Shadow of Chaos, the recommendation algorithm was an inscrutable, incomprehensible force that dictated whether her videos lived or died. Like…
Um…
Pipp looked up from her cereal to the other two mares seated in the Crystal Brighthouse's kitchen. “Hey, Sunny, what’s a good ancient villain I can compare to idiots in my stream chat who are still harassing me over the whole ‘fake flight’ fiasco?”
“Uh…" Sunny, sweetheart that she was, balked at the cruel realities of parasocial relationships. Or she just hadn't had enough coffee yet. "Well, Quibble Pants the Elder was described by his contemporaries as insufferably pedantic, but he wasn’t a villain. He was actually one of the better historians of the Early Twilit Era.”
“‘The Elder’?" Zipp quirked an eyebrow. "Somepony actually decided to name his foal ‘Quibble Pants’ after he had suffer with it?”
“His grandson." Sunny frowned. "What brought this on, Pipp?”
“Look, I love my Pippsqueaks, but sometimes they can get overbearing. And…" Pipp furrowed her brow as she thought. "How do I put this?”
Sunny smiled so brightly, she might as well have brought out her horn and wings. “We’re happy to help, even if it’s awkward. That’s what friends are for!”
Zipp nodded. "Any time, little sis."
“They want me to upload more to my PonlyFans account.”
“Well then." Zipp's smile didn't move an inch. The rest of her stood up and took her plate to the sink. "If anypony needs me, I have a thing at a place. On the other side of town. Wherever Izzy ran off to earlier this morning.” And with that, she flew out of the Brighthouse as quickly as her wings could carry her.
Sunny watched her go, then turned back to Pipp, unease clear in her eyes. “What’s PonlyFans?”
“Oh." Pipp spread her own wings, went over the table, and brought Sunny into a hug. "Oh, you sweet, innocent little filly. How can you ask me to sully you with that knowledge?”
“So it's a sex thing?”
Pipp pulled back and stared at Sunny, trying to figure out if she'd really just heard what she thought she had.
“Pipp?" Sunny gasped, bringing a hoof to her lips. "Oh gosh, was I wrong? I’m so—”
“No, no, it is an NSFW stream." Seeing Sunny's confusion, Pipp added, "Er, not safe for work, you know, because you definitely don’t want your boss catching you watching it. But…" She shook her head. "Sorry, hearing you, our glorious golden symbol of friendship and innocence, say ‘sex’ is just—”
“I’ve had sex, Pipp," Sunny said in a tone as flat as her expression. "I popped my cherry after my senior prom. Hitch has sworn me to secrecy on the details, and that’s putting aside the NDA for what I did to the punch." She snorted and glanced off to one side. "Never mind the awfully familiar drink at the Canterlogic expo that year…”
After a few false starts, Pipp got out a “Wow."
"Yeah, Phyllis may say she doesn't believe in zebras, but she's sure making money off of old Farasi recipes. Not that I disclosed that."
Pipp shook her head again and took a deep breath. "Okay. Okay. Worldview’s crumbling a little, not the first time that’s happened. So, getting back to the stream, I don’t suppose you’d be interested in... you know, joining in?”
Sunny just stared at her for a few moments. “What.” It wasn't a question. Or if it was, it was more along the lines of "Why shouldn't I smite you with alicorn magic here and now?"
It still paled in comparison to the wave of anonymous online bile Pipp had been surfing for years. “Hey, I may be building followings here and in the Bridlewood, but most of my subs still come from Zephyr Heights. They want to know what earth ponies and unicorns are like in bed." She rolled her eyes. "And honestly, if they’re on my PonlyFans, they aren’t exactly getting many dates themselves. So, you in?" She winked and nudged Sunny with a wing. "Help encourage a little tribal unity, if you know what I mean?”
“So… hundreds of ponies. Watching me. Have sex. With you.” Sunny's gaze grew more distant and horrified with every pause.
Pipp pouted. “Okay, first off, everypony wants this.” She ran a hoof across the ideal feminine form.
That at least broke Sunny out of her deepening stupor. “You’re like the little sister I never had.”
“Almost everypony. Secondly, it’d be thousands at minimum, thank you very much.”
That sent Sunny right back into it. She backed away towards the front door “Yeaaah, I’m going to go see if Zipp needs help with that thing. At the place.”
Pipp sighed. "Work her up to it, Pipp. We'll get that mare camera-trained eventually." An alicorn was going to be famous whether she liked it or not, and it was Pipp's duty as her most media-savvy friend to prepare her for it. But that still didn't solve the current problem. "Well, I guess we're on Plan H."
Plan H naturally led her to the sheriff's office and, after asking the critters to step outside for a moment, a similar explanation of the Internet's red light district. Hitch turned fascinating colors as Pipp explained the finer details, which only encouraged her to elaborate further.
Still, she could have her fun later. She still needed him to actually agree. Thus, Pipp eventually concluded with, “So, yeah, that’s the situation. You hot to trot?” She capped it off with a winning smile that had graced several album covers.
Hitch just stared at her like she'd been babbling nonsense for the last three minutes. When he finally spoke, it was measured, even, and about as incomprehensible. “Maretime Bay Code of Conduct 12:5:19, Propositioning an Officer.”
“Huh?”
He got out of his chair and started pacing about the office. “See-oh-see 4:14:3, Prostitution Without a License.”
Pipp scowled and flared out her wings. “I am not prostituting myself, I—”
“See-oh-see 7:1:18, Indecency in Media.”
“It’s a private stream!" She stomped a hoof. "We went over this! What, did you think this would be playing on every screen in Zephyr Heights?”
Hitch facehoofed. “My point is that what you’re proposing is a legal nightmare. I haven’t had a chance to look over the legal code of Zephyr Heights, but those violations were just off the top of my head. Look, you’re my friend and we’re still figuring out jurisdiction besides. I can look the other way on this one." He gave her the meaningful look that usually came before noting that an idea was technically illegal. "This once. Please don’t ask me again.”
“Wow." Pipp brought a hoof to her chest before sticking her muzzle in the air. "Okay, fine. I’ll see if Mom can spare a lawyer and we'll have you two hash this out.” She spun on a hoof with acrobatic grace and flounced out with all the bruised dignity generations of royal blood afforded her.
The crabs and pigeon looked up at her as she left the office. She nodded. “He’s all yours, guys.”
Once they were inside, Pipp let herself slump. Yes, there were still witnesses, but they were welcome to look. Heck, it might even give Hitch a little social capital. But she still needed assistance with this project, and asking Jazz led to some ethical issues when she was the earth mare's employer. “So. That just leaves—”
“Hi, Pipp!”
Pipp was getting used to the unicorn sneaking up on her, but she still flinched. “Hi, Izzy.”
“I’ve been getting stuff together for the thing we were going to do for all your magic box friends!”
Only then did Pipp register the wagon full of assorted odds and ends—some of which looked like they were still fresh from the dumpster—hitched to Izzy. “Right, the unicycling special." She'd been so focused on the PonlyFans problem, she'd completely forgotten they'd planned an artistic showcase last week.
Pipp grinned. She was never one to turn down an opportunity when it fell in her lap. "Say, Izzy, how do you feel about a double feature?”
“Sounds fun!" Izzy bounced as much as the harness let her. "I don’t know what it means, but doubles usually are.”
“I’ll explain back at the Brighthouse. Come on.”
The explanation had taken even longer than with Hitch. Given Izzy's unshifting smile, Pipp had kept going back to make sure everything was getting through to her. To the unicorn's credit, it was... for the most part.
"So what's a blockchain?"
"Where did you even hear about that?" Pipp shook her head. "Never mind; it really doesn't matter. You understand what we'd be doing, right?”
Izzy nodded. “Your computer friends will watch us having extra-friendly fun times.”
Pipp shuddered. And she'd thought Sunny talking about sex had been bad. “Do you really need to call it that?”
“Is ‘fucking like pangolins’ better?”
The phrasing and Izzy's wide-eyed innocence combined to make Pipp's stomach lurch. “Somehow worse.”
“Well, either way, I think it’ll be a lot of fun! Honestly, one of the things I missed about living on my own was personal fun times whenever I wanted." Izzy gasped. "Hey! Does this mean—”
Pipp shook her head. “No, Izzy, you can’t just rub one out whenever you feel like.”
That got a shrug. “Can’t hurt to ask.”
The SFW stream went off without a hitch. Or Hitch. Their friends had all agreed to leave the Brighthouse's shared bedroom to Pipp and Izzy so long as they kept the camera pointed at Pipp's bed and sanitized everything afterwards.
Izzy showed off her ingenuity with half a dozen different examples, including one she assembled on-stream based on viewers' suggestions... admittedly because her original idea wouldn't be appropriate until later. The best part was that everypony was so fascinated, there hadn't been a peep about wirework since the opening minutes of the stream.
After Izzy demonstrated her brand-new weathervane, Pipp beamed at the camera once more. “Now, due to incredibly popular demand, we’re going to be continuing this over on PonlyFans. Platinum and higher Pippsqueaks can go over to @RealPrincessPipp and see what else Izzy and I can do with all of this. Everypony else, I’m sending you over to raid Berry Breeze. Thank you all so much for your support here, on Neightreon, SubscribeGlimmer, or even in pony at Mane Melody Salon. Pipp pipp hooray!”
She closed the stream, took a deep breath, and mentally prepared herself for the next leg.
"So when do we start lighting up this house?" Izzy's question was enough to get Pipp to crack an eye open. The grin and glowing horn that met her gaze made her wish she hadn't.
"Izzy, love you like a sister, but we talked about the euphemisms." Pipp pulled up the appropriate page. "Changing over will hardly take any time at all. Just need their server to respond." She fluffed her wings with pride. "Not to brag, but PonlyFans does slow down a little when I stream on it."
"Funny, that sounded a lot like bragging anyway," Izzy said with a smile.
"Okay, we're live! Hello again, Pippsqueaks!" Pipp let her expression go from her usual on-camera smile to a more sultry grin. "And welcome to Princess Pipp's Backroom Dealings. The exclusive stream for ponies who want to get closer to royalty than most can claim. Joining us is my very close friend Izzy Moonbow, who..." Pipp glanced at chat, turned to look at her cohost, and facehoofed. "Izzy."
"Yes?" came the answer from a mouth that was facing directly away from the camera.
"One, turn around. Two..." Pipp reached up and brought Izzy's flagging tail down to at least try to cover her winking lower lips. "You're a little ahead of schedule."
Izzy looked back. "But that's what they came for, isn't it?"
"Foreplay is important, Izzy."
"Ohhh." She nodded as she turned around. "Right, I heard about that. Most ponies in the Bridlewood had sex more out of obligation than anything? I had to figure out what felt good on my own." Izzy's expression suddenly grew more solemn. "I had to do a lot on my own, really."
Pipp gasped and wrapped Izzy in a hug. "Oh, that's horrible! I'm so sorry."
Izzy leaned into the embrace, bouncing back just as quickly. "But I have so many friends now! And now I get to meet more of them!" She waved to the camera. "I'm looking forward to this!"
"Well, everypony else is too." Pipp cleared her throat and brought herself back to her PonlyFans smolder. "So, I'm sure you came up with some impressive ideas for personal use. Why don't you show us some of your more intimate bits of unicycling?"
"Does that mean I can show off Mr. Funtime now?"
Pipp gave a patient nod. All the more patient when Izzy turned around again and flashed the audience once more. "Yes, Izzy. I only stopped you because even I can't get away with those kinds of TOS violations on Instagraze."
"Well, here. He. Is!" Izzy slammed a patchwork behemoth of a dildo onto the nightstand they'd been using to showcase her other work.
"Holy rainbows, Izzy, that thing's thick as my leg." Pipp gave the thing a cautious poke, the tip of her hoof pressing into surprisingly squishy material.
"Yeah, he's smaller than he looks." Izzy gave it a firmer press with her own hoof. The compression halted around a much more solid and reasonably sized core. "I figured out real quick that bare crystals aren't the best choice for back there."
Pipp blanched. "Yeah, I would think."
"So I used my stock of old couch cushions to get some foam rubber, but then I realized putting a sponge up my fun bits might have some problems on its own."
"Understandable, yeah." Pipp wasn't sure she'd ever be able to look at sponges or dildos the same way again.
"So that's where the umbrella stockpile came in." Izzy took Mr. Funtime in her magic, showed a zipper to the camera, pulled it open, and extracted the yellowed inner structure. "Once I had a waterproof, washable slipcover, ta-da!" She reassembled it and kissed the tip. "Mr. Funtime! We've been through a lot together. I'd have brought him with me when we tried to cheer up Sunny after the two-crystal thing didn't work, but we were in too much of a hurry."
Pipp shook her head. "Yeah, not sure how well that would've gone. Also, good question from chat, where did you even get foam rubber couch cushions in the Bridlewood?"
"Oh, we have our ways," Izzy said with a sly grin.
"I'd dig into that further most days, but I know we're not here for that." Despite her continued misgivings, Pipp put on her seductive face and lowered her voice to a husky drawl. "So, got anything two ponies can share?"
"Oh! Oh! I was hoping you asked!" Izzy, bless her, actually jumped for joy before going back to the pile of stuff behind her. Her excitement was clear to see as well as hear. And, for Pipp, to smell. "I've actually been working on something for a while." She turned back, holding up what looked like a cross between a lasso and the world's largest friendship bracelet, a sizable coil of pale pink rope—well, probably rope—threaded through a number of molded plastic geegaws. "Ta-da!"
After a few seconds of thought and tilting her head, Pipp said, "Okay, I have to admit, I'm stumped. What am I looking at?"
"This is a personalized, bespoke, artisanal..." Izzy trailed off and adopted a worrying grin. Despite being mostly pink and wrapped in the rainbows of her magic, the rope managed to loom. "Well, it may be easier if I just show you."
"Show me wha—" Pipp got cut off by Izzy and the rope pouncing on her.
It all happened too fast for her to track, just a blur of silk and the occasional plastic chunk sliding against her coat amid cheerful commentary. "Here, and here, oh, and we can't forget here, of course not."
"Izzy, I'd really like to know what the heck you're—"
"And the piece of resistance!" Izzy grabbed one end of the rope with her mouth, secured the other in her magic, and pulled.
The entire assembly cinched tight, binding Pipp's wings and legs to her sides. Bits and bobs ground against her flight muscles, her teats, her clit, even that one spot on the back of her neck she hadn't told anypony about. The net result has a full-body shudder, and that just compounded the stimulation. "Eep!"
Izzy just grinned. "Ooh, that's what we like to hear." There was plenty of rope left, and she began lifting it up to one of the bedroom's rafters, weaving in multiple supporting lengths that left Pipp's weight evenly suspended about a ponylength above the floor.
"I'm not sure I'm comf—" Pipp's warning fell off to a throaty groan as gravity and tension started taking over for magic, sending shudders of sensation down her spine. "Ohhhh rainbows." Squirming only made it worse. Or possibly better.
"It's been carefully measured to your exact dimensions," said Izzy. "See, most bondage just makes it so you can't move, but that got really boring when I did it to myself. So I made a version that lets you tease yourself! Take a look, everypony!"
The growing fuzz in Pipp's mind cleared out as she processed that last bit. "Izzy, wait—"
Magic grabbed her again, spinning her so she was facing away from the camera. A hooftip caressed her lower lips with all the tenderness Izzy hadn't shown until now. "Oh yeah, somepony's having a good time." Pipp felt the unicorn's tongue drag up from near her teats allll the way up to the bottom edge of her asshole.
Pipp wriggled in place, panting as her mind whirled. "Izzy, I—"
"Now, how about we—"
"Safeword, damn it!"
She'd never been happier to hear hoofsteps moving away from her. "Huh?"
A bit of shaking back and forth got Pipp to spin in Izzy's general direction. "What did I say about foreplay?"
The glare lost some impact as she kept going, but Izzy still looked chastened. "I thought that was what I was doing."
"Give me a sec to adjust, filly. I'm okay with this sort of thing, but I'd like to know you made a bondage harness out of..." Pipp trailed off and tried to look at her binds. That just ended up teasing her nipples more, though she wasn't exactly complaining. "Mmm. What is this, anyway?"
"Oh right, I forgot!" Izzy clonked herself on the head with a hoof "Part of the personalized, bespoke stuff is that I made this using mostly stuff I got from you!"
"Like?" Pipp said, half-listening. The more she wriggled, the more she found how to get it just the way she liked it. The clit flicker, the rounded bits digging into the bases of her wings like a good massage...
"Well, most of the cord is actually wires from electronicky things you've thrown out, but I covered it in a whole bunch of silk from dresses you threw out during that closet minimalizing you did last moon." Izzy grinned, went low, and adjusted one chunk that had slipped off a nipple, but not before offering a kiss. "Tying ponies up is fun, but cutting off circulation sure isn't."
"And all the, you know, bits?"
"Some of them are plastic from the electronickies. Some I found around town, but they made me think of you." Izzy kept circling Pipp, making further tweaks that made the whole thing even better to grind against. "Especially the cute one that's right over your fun button!" That got a kiss as well.
"I'm... flattered, Izzy. Really." Also weirded out, but the gift was heartfelt enough that she could look past that. "But still, some kind of warning might be nice in the future."
Izzy gave her a sly smile. “I mean, you say that, but you're also definitely enjoying the fun button tickler."
“Well…” Pipp thought about stopping. Really, she did. But in the end she did the closest thing she could to a shrug—which made that one bead at the back of her ear work wonders—and said, “I literally asked for this. May as well enjoy it."
"That's the spirit!” Izzy pranced her way back in front of the camera. “And now, everypony, it's time for the graaand finale!"
Pipp did stop at that point, as much at the reminder that she had an audience as dealing with yet another surprise. "What's the grand finale?"
"Well, I was going to use Mr. Funtime, but he's a one-mare stallion.” Izzy hefted the behemoth and gave it another kiss before tossing it in the general direction of her bed. “Besides, everypony wants to see what any unicorn can do in bed, not just me. So I went with Plan B!"
The chill running down Pipp’s spine made for an interesting contrast with the heat still filling her loins. “’Plan B' meaning..."
"Imma stick my horn in your cooter!" Izzy’s manic grin faltered as she cleared her throat. “Um, if you're okay with that."
Pipp thought about it for a moment. Well, really she thought about thinking about it, but she’d edged herself enough that she couldn’t really care. "I'm horrified, yet intrigued. Go ahead. Just turn me to the side so everypony gets a good view!“
“You’re the princess!“ Izzy corrected their positioning, then started dragging the tip of her horn around the edge of Pipp’s entrance. The not-quite-bony material left tingles in its wake, Pipp able to feel each tiny, swirling engraving on the surface.
Under other circumstances, it might be nice. Right now… “Izzy, I’m wetter than Cloudpuff in heat. You can jam it in!”
“If you say so!”
Retreating hoofsteps made Pipp’s eyes bug out. “Not like—!”
But Izzy had already charged. And judging by the multicolored shadows before Pipp, she’d done with her magic active.
It was easily among the top five strangest orgasms of Pipp’s life.
"So," Sunny said at breakfast the next day, unable to make eye contact with with anypony. "How did it go?"
"It was so much fun!” Izzy cried, putting a forearm around Sunny’s withers. “You'll love it, Sunny. You won't even know they're there."
That got a shudder. “I’d really rather not." Sunny turning away ended up with her looking at Pipp, letting her see the pegasus sulking as she looked at her phone. "Pipp? Everything okay?"
"Oh, fine. Fine. It's just..." Pipp sighed and showed the screen to Sunny.
It showed an image of Pipp mid-shout. Probably from last night’s stream going by the rope around her, but thankfully not showing anything from the neck down. Words had been added above and below her gaping face. Sunny read them in turn. “Visible unicorn. Bottom text.” She frowned. “I don't get it."
Zipp snorted and turned to look. “They memed you?"
Pipp sighed. “Yuuuup."
"Amazing."
"Somepony want to let me in on the joke?" said Sunny.
Pipp scowled and went back to scrolling through her feed. “Long story short, I’m a laughingstock, and probably will be for the next week or so."
“Oh.” Izzy pouted. “Does that mean no more fun times?"
Pipp gave her a smile. “We'll talk about it."
"Preferably not at the breakfast table." Sunny hadn’t meant for her horn and wings to flash into existence, but at least it got everypony to agree.
Author's Note
I've decided the little mouse-armadillo things in Alphabittle's teahouse are tiny little pangolins, and you can't stop me.
