Time Is a River, and I'm Sopping Wet
Dear Chronodynamics Quarterly,
I've read stories ~~~like~~~ rather different from this in your journal, but I never thought something like this could happen to me.
It was like this...
***
I levitated a book out of the middle of a pile of other books. When I was checking the book I really wanted out of the library's Restricted Section, I'd felt somewhat less conspicuous hiding the forbidden volume amongst many other items.
My assistant ~~~Spike~~~ Best Lizard gave me a skeptical look. "'Time Travel Magic, Volume 2?' You know what happened the LAST time you messed with time travel."
"But this time, it'll be different!" I insisted. "Last time, I traveled to the past. Traveling to the past is almost guaranteed to go wrong, because the past has already happened. But if I travel to the FUTURE, there are no preexisting events to disrupt."
"Still not a good idea. What could possibly be worth taking a risk like this?"
I swallowed. It was embarrassing, but I had to confess. "~~~Spike~~~ Best Lizard, I'm a virgin. I've never slept with another pony."
"Yeah, I know."
"What do you mean, you know? You could at least PRETEND to be surprised."
"~~~Twilight~~~ ~~~Book~~~ Reading Light, I've slept in a basket by the foot of your bed every night of your life, ever since your magic surge in that curio shop when you were a tiny foal unpetrified my ~~~dr~~~ lizard egg. I think if you'd been sleeping with somepony, your ~~~Dragon~~~ Lizard Brother Best Buddy Forever would probably know about it."
"True," I admitted. "But now I have a solution. All I have to do is visit the future."
"~~~Tw~~~ Reading Light, if you really want to sleep with somepony, there are lots of ponies in the present. I'm sure somepony would be happy to--"
"Yes, but in the future I can get advice from an older, more experienced and sophisticated version of myself."
"If advice is what you want, you could ask our friend ~~~Rarity~~~ Fashionable Elegance. I'm sure she knows a thing or two about--"
"Elegance is a very beautiful pony...who lives alone with her cat. I've never seen her so much as go on a date. I don't think she's the best pony to ask."
Best Lizard coughed suddenly. It's always important to take good care of your assistants! "BL," I asked solicitously, "is anything wrong? Are you feeling all right?"
"I'm fine," he said. "It's just...I was wondering about something. How large a gem do you think an engagement ring should have? And does it count if somecreature else found the gem, and you just dug it up for them?"
"I have no idea," I admitted. "But what practical difference does it make? We were talking about me and my perpetually loveless--"
"I think all your friends love you. And your family. And--"
"My SEXLESS state. There, you made me say it. Now do you feel better?"
"Sorry. I was trying to talk you into trying a less drastic solution than time travel magic."
"Yes, you were. You were trying and failing. Because I'm sure this is the most efficient solution. I'll get advice from myself...and if all else fails, I'll follow the age old proverbial solution and--"
Best Lizard coughed again. I really worried he might be coming down with something!
"--ck myself. Self-help. Solving my own problems my own way. A hooves-on solution. A--"
"Yeah, yeah. I give up. Why don't you do your stupid plan already, so we'll find out what horrible mess you make, and I can start helping you clean it up as soon as possible."
I opened the book to my specially bookmarked page, and recited the spell while I visualized the special seventeen-color runes floating in the air.
With a sudden burst of wind (barometric pressure changes significantly from one day to the next, and the odds of a randomly chosen time far in the future having the exact same weather conditions are very unlikely) I was blown into a large, elegant ~~~palace~~~ house.
"Huh," I said. "This place...looks familiar. Are we sure the spell worked right? I would have expected someplace more different."
My faithful assistant wasn't there. The spell must have left him behind...which was just as well, really. The presence of a third party would surely make my visit awkward. This was far, far better!
I turned around, and saw the broad hindquarters of an enormous ~~~XXXX~~~ pony.
"My," I said. "Who are you? Are you me? You certainly...I never expected...you're a bit larger than I thought you'd be."
"Yes," came a voice from the other end of the hindquarters. "I suppose you never had much tact."
"What are you doing there?" I asked. "It looks like you're squishing somepony."
A mellifluous voice laughed. "~~~Twi~~~ Reading, this must be your much younger self, visiting from the past. I remember you telling me this story, about when you were still a virgin."
I blushed. "Who are you to talk about me and my sex life like--"
The two ponies rolled partway over and around, letting me see more of them. "Oh!" I squeaked nervously. "You're future me! I did it! I cast the spell and it worked and now I'm in the future! But why are you squishing ~~~Princess~Celestia~~~ our old teacher?"
Our former teacher giggled. "In our distant past, thousands of years before today, you discovered a spell that gave you immortality. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for just anypony. That's why the two of us, I and Reading Light, are thousands of years older than just about anypony else in this world."
"Yes," my future self agreed. "Now we two are are among the two oldest...yet eternally, beautifully preserved and very, very desirable...ponies in Equestria."
"But...climbing right on top of your old teacher like that is wrong! You were her student! This is the wrong kind of student-teacher relations!"
"You might think so," my much older and larger self said. "But we two are by far the oldest mutually eligible ponies who exist. When it comes to choosing between cradle robbing somepony far younger than myself, versus romancing and taking to bed somepony who was ONCE my teacher, long ago...well, after enough thousands of years have gone by, that changes things, you know?"
"So," I said. "If the two of you have already talked about this day with each other, you must know what I'm here for. So who wants to go first? Because I am SO ready."
Our old teacher winced slightly. "~~~Tw~~~ Reading Light from the distant past, you're thousands of years younger than I am. I think the age difference would be a bit much."
My older self added, "And I'm thousands of years older than you too. Although I know how to bring you pleasures you can scarcely imagine, I don't think you could handle them. You'd probably become some kind of time travel addict, coming back again and again to beg me for another go-around."
"Oh, come on!" I shouted. "Why is that BOTH of you won't do ANYTHING to keep me from having to stay a virgin FOREVER?"
My older self smiled knowingly. "Doesn't your friend ~~~Rar~~~ Elegance live alone with only her cat for company? I think she might be a lesbian. Or at least she might be desperate and open to trying new things." She scratched her mane with one forehoof. "Although I might be confusing her with somecreature else. That WAS thousands of years ago."
I tried to argue, but a sudden suckage of air pulled me though a spiralling hole in time. When I woke up, I was lying on the floor, with my assistant and one of my best friends bent over me.
"Elegance!" I said. "It's funny you happen to be here. I was just talking with somepony about you."
"Were you?" she replied. She glanced over at my faithful assistant. "Best Lizard here told me you were searching for a solution to a...very specific problem. And MY name came up?"
"Yes," I said. "You were specifically mentioned, as somepony who might be able to help me solve my problem. Because you're--"
Best Lizard grasped Elegance's foreleg with his lizard claws. "Engaged to be married! She just proposed to me while you were away in the future, and I accepted. I'm the happiest lizard in all of ~~~Ponyville~~~ Townplace!"
I groaned. "Am I EVER going to be able to find a special somepony? Somecreature who can love me for who I am? Specifically, somecreature who can give me a good--"
The window blew in, and a wooden crate fell right on top of me, breaking into pieces. My vision blurred. When I could see again, I crawled out from under the wreckage and inspected the crate's fragments. On one piece, I made out a few words: "Naughty Dragon Private Party Supplies And Marital Aids One Gross."
"I see," I said. From somewhere outside, a mare declared, "I just don't know what went wrong! This IS Sugarcube Corner, right?"
"Close enough," I groaned. "Just let me keep a few of these 'party supplies,' and I suppose you can have the rest back."
A cross-eyed pegasus mare flew into the room through the now unclosable window. "But...this shipment is C.O.D. I can't just give the package away. Somepony has to pay me for it."
I have your payment right here!" I shouted. My horn lit up, and I blew that delivery mare into next week. Literally into next week. That isn't any kind of sexual euphemism, unfortunately.
It didn't solve my problem, but I enjoyed it anyway. I know it wasn't very nice, but I'd been under a lot of stress. (And had anypony helped me try to relieve even a little of my stress? No, they had not.)
So that's the story of how I had some amazing experiences but I'm still a complete virgin.
Does anycreature have any advice for me?
Sincerely,
~~~Twi~~~ Reading Light
Author's Note
I discovered people arguing over whether Twilight Sparkle x Princess Celestia is the worst ship ever, so of course I decided to try writing a little of it.
