Allergy Warning: Food May Contain Improperly Dressed Demi-Goddess
Éclat was truly an excellent establishment, one of the very best in upper Canterlot.
Golden splendour adorned the smoky-veined ashen-white marble walls that were also painstakingly webbed through after the fact with golden filigree. The regal banners that flowed down the walls in a divinely magical manner were all hoof-woven by skilled artisans, inlaid with the crest of the restaurant at their centre and run through with further multilayered filigree, enchanted to endure without decay and shine brilliantly when they caught the light.
From the decorated ceilings hung some of the most expensive and gaudiest works of art in recent history, the imposingly grand multi-piece chandeliers of precious metals and stones floated in the air, dotted with powerful gem-bound spell-matrixes brought into being by the lands finest spellcasters to ensure they never wavered. Anypony in attendance would marvel, not only at the surround, but at the livery too; for the main carpet was plush red and gold silk Kunglig, the very same the Diarchy bore in the Royal Palace's throne-room, and the chairs and tables were all carved from the purest smooth-grained cherry-tinted solacewood from the homeland of the Kirin, enchanted to never wear or break as the tapestries were.
The proud proprietor of the fancy five-star restaurant merrily trotted through the main chamber on silvery-white hooves, taking in the lovely sight of his enterprise as he smartly weaved between the elegantly dressed staff, visitors, and tables.
Splendid Joust was a sharp and discerning stallion of high tastes, and he had a great care for ensuring the very best, his royal-blue eyes sought out the smallest of details so that everything could be as wonderous as possible for those that paid top bit to finely dine here in sophistication. The tantalising scents of rich spices the world over wafted intermingled with the aromatic wisps of precisely steamed, broiled, and smoked vegetable dishes of the loveliest calibre.
He paused along his trot by a long wall-mirror framed in white-gold and magically straightened the tie of his dress shirt, casting an appraising eye over his spotless pressed suit; it was a ten-thousand bit custom-tailored-with-trim Rodin Fantaissecheval jacket, the cloth was from vigorosità silkworms raised at a luxury suit farm in Tuscaneigh, from a secret magical pattern passed down by a special order of Thestral tailors since the Lunarian Age. It was a finery only the most prestigious could be allowed to own. His sapphire magic gently glowed around his horn as he smoothed back his goldenrod-coloured mane for good measure. It would not do to be unkempt in the company of the high-class, he had many nobles here tonight, even if quite a few of them were lower-noble or upcoming. They had yet to rise and be realised in the world, and his dining experience would assist them in that endeavour to be seen with status.
The night was going wonderfully. They had a full house, patrons were satisfied with their food without a single complaint having been raised thus far, and the expensive wine was flowing faster than they could pour it in some cases. It seemed that nothing could-
Oh, of course, he had to jinx it. He heard Copper Penny's cry of alarm once more.
Turning from his common patrol route he took around the building to get to everything that needed getting to, he took a right past a smart-looking waiter into the gaming lounge where the distinguished patrons and nobles would commonly play high-stakes poker and many other fancies of gambling after their meals, many enthralled within their own tables already awash with bets. Across the soft carpet he went, through the centre of the room and down to the refreshment area, curious as to why so many of them were turned away from their games and looking to the back wall that the drinks bar occupied.
He suddenly paused mid-trot and flinched in shock, as a bottle of the finest Equestrian Red noisily smashed against the small doorway attached to the bar, the sound echoing disgracefully through the gaming lounge to his shame, as a frightfully shook Penny came rushing out of the doorway that connected with the kitchens, the door closing as she quickly fumbled towards him. Elysium's Meadows, the poor girl's neat dress was utterly rife with dessert! Her lovely burgundy mane was out of place around her horn, her cream coat was stained, and her jade-coloured eyes --often so hopeful-- were alight with worry.
"Oh! Oh, dear... Mister Joust, sir! I tried to stop her, I swear I did, sir!" Penny fretted at him in her pretty little Albion accent. "She just appeared, sir! Deaf to the world, can't hear a word, sir! And now she's gone into the kitchens! Oh my, oh dear."
Ah, an irate patron, he quite grasped the situation now. He would have to apologise to Penny later on for thinking she'd caused a mess, though it wasn't without merit to think such in the first place. The lovely mare was awfully quick to jump at sounds and drop what she was carrying within her magic, oftentimes making a terrible mess and costing his business numerous bits.
The sole reason she hadn't been let go was because he knew despite the cost, she would be an absolutely excellent addition to Éclat one day. Once her nerves were steel she'd be able to do more beyond that still. One didn't discard a pony because they were inept, room for growth was always possible. It was wilful ineptitude and a blatant disregard for learning that were to be frowned upon and the pony thus cast out.
"Fear not, Penny, come now, come." He calmed her down as she continued to dance on the spot in a fuss, using his magic to cleanse the very worst of the muck covering her. Very useful utility spell, a shame it didn't get into the clothing itself. "Calm yourself, Penny. Go and properly clean yourself up, get changed into something fresh, and have a nice cup of tea to calm the nerves, hm? I shall deal with this little problem before you return, I'm quite sure."
"Oh dear. If you say so, Mister Joust, sir." She nodded quietly, eyes dancing everywhere in her panic. "Good luck, sir. Oh dear."
He gave Penny a gentle bow with a hoof, and she returned a shaky curtsy and went off between the other staff apologising along the way. He wouldn't need luck, he'd dealt with an angry Gryphoness that was brought here to Éclat --an establishment without meat dishes-- and after she'd then also found out her husband-to-be, a noblestallion, had scorned her by sleeping with her sister. If he could talk that furious hen down and stop her from wrecking the place, he could stop anything.
Straightening his tie with a confident breath in, he held a hoof to the curious patrons in reassurance and swiftly trotted to the door at the drinks bar's end, slipping through with nary a sound as he very quickly picked up the rather loud sounds of a few of his staff getting rather annoyed as crockery smashed. Oh bugger, so much for settling this without a great deal of cost, the Equestrian Red was bad enough.
He went down the hall past the mess of Penny's cart and turned another right into the swinging door of the kitchens, pushing it inward with magic as he rose up to his full height with his most imposing glare set upon his muzzle, and a heart and tongue sharp with rightful indigence that could cut through any issue.
He laid eyes on the troublesome quarry his staff were stalwartly attempting to deal with and his bluster immediately died a most spectacular death.
"P-princess Sparkle?!" He whispered unbelievingly. "My word..."
Princess Twilight Sparkle, the former protégé to the one and only Princess Celestia --whom he wished so very dearly would one day grace Éclat with her presence-- also a benefactor of a few charities in Canterlot and Ponyville that he knew of, and somewhat newly ascended-to-Alicorn-status-and-monarch following grand services above all else in the name of the Crown and Equestria; was currently absolutely destroying the connected kitchens of his establishment and flinging plates, cups, cutlery, and food all over the place as her horn burned brilliantly like a purple beacon.
While being extremely inappropriately dressed in wholly indecent lavender-and-mauve striped long-socks no less! Celestia's Grace, it was completely scandalous! The everyday streetwear referred to as a 'Hood-Eee' she had on that the youths commonly employed as a sort of immature fashion statement wasn't helping the vulgarity of Lady Sparkle's state of dress either, as the long-socks were rather snug around her slender shapely legs, squeezing just so into the curvature of her bo-- Sweet Merciful Luna, it was rather improper of him to be looking at all, and his cheeks burned as he quickly glanced away from her backside. The lewd ensemble was truly only fit for one's bedroom, and only served to make her look far more slovenly alongside her dishevelled moppish mane being tied very simply in a messy ponytail, her tail certainly fared no better.
To top it off, it was quite readily apparent to him that she was somehow fast asleep.
All of this oddity while it appeared that a veritable star system of Éclat's finest hors d'oeuvres surrounded her in an oddly eye-catching, if a tad violent, violet maelstrom. He noted that it was a very expensive small-scale model she was creating, if indeed that was what she was trying to do, he also wasn't quite sure as to her purpose being here, but this utter tomfoolery wasn't making him a happy bunny.
It was as intriguing and disagreeable as it was downright peculiar. He wondered just how he was going to tackle this bewildering situation until she then ensnared the massive dessert tray that had been waiting to go out to the patrons within her magic. It was at that juncture that his beautiful Maître de took far greater exception to the Lady Sparkle's actions.
Mon Chéri was a highly fierce pale-cream Unicorn --Éclat bore a certain style amongst its waitresses-- with the flowing raven-black tresses of her mane neatly held by a headband, though with the current predicament some locks had tugged free to frame her face, and her fiery emerald-hued eyes were burning with a greater indignation than he could muster on a bad day. Joust could quite understand why as her dress was stained with what he believed was wine, but more so that Mon Chéri was also the mare that prepared the desserts on special order herself as a point of pride.
"Non! Arrête ça tout de suite!" Chéri shouted at the Alicorn Princess, stomping over to Lady Sparkle and almost getting in her lightly drooling face. Well not quite, seeing as Lady Sparkle had a messy swirl of starters forming a formidable protective barrier around herself, yet Chéri still did get rather close. "Posez ce plateau cette seconde!"
Lady Sparkle promptly complied with a snrk! ...By throwing the heavily laden platter the full length of the first kitchen, causing many of the other staff present to quickly dive out of the path of the rogue desserts as they landed messily across a majority of the preparation counters and the floor.
"Non, non! Espèce de jument folle! Comment oses-tu détruire mon beau travail!" Chéri shouted in anger, her eyes wide with fury as she shook.
Splendid Joust feared she might actually strike Lady Sparkle, before Chéri then wheeled around and faced him instead, and he winced seeing her baleful glare.
"Wha' ze fack iz go'en on, Monsieur Joust!" She angrily exclaimed at him in heavily accented Ponish, she only ever stopped speaking Prench to him when she was well and truly furious. "Why iz she 'ere?! Why du yuu stan' zere wiv yur mouv open like a fish?!"
"I'm not amused myself, Chéri, I heartily assure you." He tried to placate her, bristling as one of the plates Lady Sparkle was breaking into pieces suddenly flew past. "I'm not sure why she's here, but I shall endeavour to find out and will get her out of here as soon as equinely possible, I promise."
"I shud 'ope zo!" She cried out with a stomp, turning her attention back to the young Princess and stomping again as Lady Sparkle snored out loudly, adding even more food from the main courses across the kitchen into her orbiting vortex. "Nuisance! Put et ohl down!"
He gasped, absolutely mortified as a mashed-up stack of roasted carrots was released from the mix and watched as it wetly smushed into Chéri's already-stained dress, making a further mess of it while Lady Sparkle's head then limply lolled back, her mop going over her eyes as she snoozed away.
Joust swore he could hear the steam whistling from Chéri's ears.
"Merde! Sale pute!" She shouted at the Alicorn.
"I say! Don't say such horrendous things to Her Highness, Mon Chéri!" Joust frowned deeply at the nastily vulgar language. "That's incredibly unbecoming of y-"
A vivisected cream and chocolate parfait broke free of the circling galaxy, and swiftly made contact with his extremely expensive silk suit from Tuscaneigh with a soft splat.
His day suddenly went a great deal past bad.
One of his eyelids twitched.
Chéri squeaked and just about forgot her anger, her emerald eyes widening with abject fear as she watched the creamy pastry slowly drip down his formalwear. She very swiftly backed away, and then just as quickly fled the scene, as did the rest of the staff when they saw how fast she made an exit.
"...Forgiven, Chéri." He whispered, not that she heard.
His horn burst into a blazing inferno of sapphire as his magic surged forth. He was going to need to teach Lady Sparkle some very important manners in behaving as a proper Lady should. He wasn't going to dare lay a hoof or magic on her in any way that was unbecoming of a gentlestallion, not at all. No, however; he was first going to give her a wake up call that might possibly slide into the realm of a social faux pas.
The taps of the kitchen sinks violently exploded with water, his corona sharply directing the flow in an instant at the sleeping Alicorn that had so carelessly defiled his restaurant, his staff, and his fucking suit! He watched with no small amount of pleasure as several jettisoning streams of cold water smacked into Lady Sparkle all at once.
There was also some quite mad laughter.
Wait, that was coming from him. Oh, well needs must, there was a time for everything.
After a good few uninterrupted seconds of copiously dousing her with water he decided he should probably be merciful and relent with the punishment, letting the blasting water from the taps cease so he could admire his hoofwork.
The same eyelid twitched again.
She was entirely untouched, and standing exactly as she had while water flooded down to the floor around her. Her strange little creation of his restaurant's once glorious foods had... formed a sort of messy shield around her in a large wavy bubble, spread out from everything that had previously borne a true form as if she'd put it all in a blender, and the water had only served to simply dilute the barrier a little. He hadn't expected that.
It was at that moment that Lady Sparkle's left wing spasmed and flicked in his direction, and he suddenly knew fear, his whole life flashing before his eyes as he thought that perhaps trying to thwart an Alicorn had not been the greatest course of action in his life, as the now unpalatable mess of formerly wonderful meals and ingredients shot directly at him. He immediately threw up an imposing magical barrier as his horn flared into a steady blue light, yet the chaotic disorder of foodstuffs impelled onward by the magenta spectrum that sustained it simply bypassed his powerful barrier, as if it was so much decorative sugar-paper.
Splendid Joust somewhat lost his sense of being at that moment in time, as he thought he might have registered an Alicorn now free of any swirling matter starting to apathetically shuffle on her hooves past him, amidst the soft sound of liquidised food plipping against the kitchen tiles --although it could have certainly the torrents of water he'd fired at her-- but he was so incredibly livid that he wasn't sure which way was up or what was what.
She then snored rather loudly in his ear, making it flick and bringing him back to reality somewhat. He was slowly coming down from the plateau of absolute fury and into the middling level of considerably irked, which was a good thing really as letting one's anger overcome oneself was quite disagreeable. Exhaling shakily, he watched her depart the kitchens for pastures unknown.
No, not unknown... the gaming lounge.
A cold shock slowly came over him, and despite his sullied suit and poor condition he wrested control of his mental state and clambered over himself to follow in Lady Sparkle's wake, partly slipping on the mess sloughing off of his person and over the floor.
"N-now see here, Your Highness!" He began, her title not forgotten in his ire. "You will halt what you are doing posthaste, do you hear me?!"
She did not hear him, or at least if she did she was wilfully ignoring him. She kept on while he went by her and barged through the swinging door, and he could already see the confused faces of his noble patrons through the bar door ahead, as well as Chéri standing a little shell-shocked in the hallway.
He gave her a slight bow with a nervous scoff, and cast his magic to halt Lady Sparkle's movements as she passed through the swinging door herself, yet it was about as effective as his watery wake-up alarm had been, and she plodded down the hall past his stunned Maître de as his vibrant corona pulled at the Alicorn's items of clothing. No attempt to stop her succeeded until her head sharply made contact with the wooden door up ahead with a resounding thunk.
It stopped her for the barest moment, and she loosed a fairly peeved UHNN, smacking her snoring face into the door again as it bravely continued to put up a fight and bar her entry into the lounge. He thought perhaps this was the end to her rampage and Éclat could suffer no more damage, maybe things could be fine now?
Lady Sparkle's horn mightily blazed, and promptly blasted the door off its hinges.
Mon Chéri fainted.
That would be a resounding no, then. He thanked the door for its admirable efforts and scrambled after her as she slept her way through into the lounge as patrons shouted in alarm and disappeared beneath their tables while the door flew into the centre of the room and landed with a thud. Several eyes fixed on him with incredulous stares and he felt a great shame for his state of dress and the horrendous predicament, however he forced that down and quickly marched after the Alicornic thorn in his side.
"I don't know what you're after, Your Highness, but I want you to leave this establishment immediately!" He demanded of her, and her only response was to let her head tilt to one side as her horn glowed. "Listen here, I say! I-"
Poker chip.
...What?
He blinked as it hovered in his vision, and another joined the first in front of his eyes, a quick stream of them starting to appear while the nobles roused. He swiftly realised that the pesky Alicorn was abducting all the bets from their tables and everypony was quite understandably getting increasingly irate about it. He found himself momentarily transfixed as every last chip, bit, card, and pack were lifted unceremoniously into the air in a great haze of lavender, many nobles crying out and grabbing at their winnings with cries of shock as all the pieces then slowly coalesced from every corner of the room into one giant ball at its centre.
Lady Sparkle during this time had heedlessly shambled across the plush carpet to the main chamber where many of the guests were still likely dining. He reconnected to himself and charged towards her.
The massive ball then exploded.
Well, maybe that was too harsh a term, though it definitely popped outward, and assailed everypony, himself included, with tokens and cards. He heard shouts and cries all around him as he almost collided with Lady Sparkle's backside as she'd suddenly jolted forward with a loud snort, thankfully stopping himself short at the point of impact and snapping his head away from staring directly. He was rather glad her tail was so long and messy now.
Truly, he was becoming very tired as she started up again, trundling into the massive dining area without a care in the world as there were shocked gasps likely in regard to her scandalous clothing choices, he glanced back behind himself briefly and didn't see any nobles flailing on the floor in agony so he hoped nopony had been more than lightly pelted with their chips and such else, moving around to where Lady Sparkle was quite intently stepping forth in order to cease any further chaos.
"Your Highness, I really am going to have to insist-" He began with a sigh, before he starkly beheld just how tall she actually was.
She was almost the same height as him despite his impressive stature, he reddened profusely as the briefest idea that her face might correspond with his own reared in the forefront of his mind, and the odd thought rooted him on the spot. He discovered however that such was not the case, as she tripped to one side with a snrk! and simply shoved into him instead. He was no pushover, and yet he was somewhat displaced from the location he'd been standing as if he didn't weigh much more than a small sack of potatoes. He tried not to feel too large a blow against his pride as a stallion, and instantaneously failed in that pursuit.
"Please, uh, remain calm everypony." He said to the chamber's patrons, who were greatly baulking at the rapidly advancing Alicorn. "I-I shall uh, sort this..."
Honestly, he wasn't sure he could sort this.
All he felt was within his power to do was watch the chaos unfold. When he felt that he just sort of... fell, into an almost casual acceptance, actually. He was dealing with something far beyond his pay grade, as it were. The feeling was strangely comforting, this acceptance...
He watched, oddly detached, as Lady Sparkle knocked over a wine cart laden with some very choice vintages and felt nothing but a distant kind of confusion. As the pricey bottles hit the floor from their height and cracked open rather than smash fully, he only felt a sense of unease, and as the exoticly aged liquids slowly permeated into the expensive Kunglig carpet there was only a cold pit at the bottom of his core of vague indifference. It was all as if he'd heard about a distant relative that had died while trying to have sexual relations in a public park while dressed as a circus clown; somewhat upsetting but also so highly insane to him that it went into being morbidly amusing.
Splendid Joust readily believed he had passed from the realm of care.
If he owned a field in which he grew that care, he would insist that it was barren.
The waiting staff and patrons --so shocked into an unmoving stupor at Lady Sparkle's actions-- all collectively jumped in alarm as her horn overflowed into a great purple blaze again, and she seized about every single tray present on the serving carts of the staff, some of which tried to wrestle them back within their own magic and came up woefully short in comparison to an Alicorn's prowess. They tried at least, he supposed.
The myriad of trays flew around into a slipstream surrounding her and many shouted out while diving under their tables in case any should be struck with the enthralled platters, as the closed trays each came to an instant stop before her and she lifted every lid in turn. He blinked as every time she did so and apparently didn't care for what was revealed, she swiftly discarded the tray of whatever lavish meal was upon it into the nearest wall or enchanted banner, a mighty great clatter and smash of metal and crockery accompanying the undercurrent of smushing food against the silk and marble.
He thought it would never end as the nobles and staff cowered and cried out while pandaemonium reigned supreme, he felt like a despondent Captain aboard a Mare-of-War that was slowly being blasted to pieces from enemy ships cannons either side and watching as everything splintered around him. That is until one single small tray in particular stopped and quivered before her awaiting judgement, the swarm of all other collections halting into inertia mid-air as she cast off the lid of her chosen vessel to behold something truly wonderful taking up a majority of its surface.
It was one of Mon Chéri's finest creations.
La Rose Magnifique; a sizable and heavy triple-chocolate-cream, whipped double-cream, and custard filled doughnut painstakingly wrought, shaped, and cooked to perfection into the form of a beautiful rose with every petal it bore positively plump with filling, the entire rose covered with a rich white chocolate and finely dusted over with an edible gold-diamond-dust, the wonderous dessert costing exactly two-thousand bits for its sheer finery and splendour.
There was a resounding and ear-splitting crash as every tray that was still complete with food or cleaned bare being held within the Alicorn's mighty telekinetic grasp dropped. The resulting fallout splattered across every little inch that could be reached, without a speck getting on Lady Sparkle at all.
"Ddooooooughk..." She joyfully mumbled out, a light snrk! coming from her as a pleased smile gently spread over her softly sleeping features. "...nnnuuuhhh."
Everypony stared in distress at her as she quickly fell to one side, and sharply threw a massive wing out on the other to bring herself back up just as fast, slowly staggering about as she went in the direction of Éclat's entranceway. The silence was deafening.
While Lady Sparkle bumped into a few rigid waiting staff that were stained head-to-hoof and rather nonplussed, Penny came trotting out of the adjoining room on the left, likely from the staff-only break area, nicely fresh-faced and presentable again in a clean dress. She immediately paused on her way back in as she took in the scene of utter bedlam, and that of forlorn Splendid Joust being matted in churned food, dishes strewn all over everypony and everything, and the Alicorn only now just leaving with their most expensive dessert in thrall.
"Oh... Oh dear."
* * *
Ashen Augury was contently bobbing her head to the harsh beat of whining gem-guitars and heavy drums pounding in her Mareheiser headphones when she stepped out from the corner of the alley onto the high-street, the wholly gothic deathly-white mare was dressed head to hoof in dark faux-leather and belts, minding her own business as she returned from a closed set of old tunnels long-converted into an underground scene for metalheads and punk-rockers. One of favourite bands Quorn had been showing and she couldn't have missed it even if Nightmare Moon returned again and wanted to hang out at her place to share an equal disdain for the modern world. Well, Nightmare Moon could always-
Heavily eyeliner-and-eyeshadow framed amethyst eyes swiftly caught sight from out under jet-black bangs of the really odd lavender Alicorn that commonly made an appearance at --and then subsequently wrecked-- the little convenience store where she worked the till on night-shifts back in Ponyville. She thought that was a little coincidental to catch the sleepy mare here when she herself barely visited Canterlot at all except for the occasional gig.
She watched with a mildly piqued curiosity as the Alicorn moseyed on in a hectically sluggish manner down the moodily gem-lit cobbled street, still just as fast asleep as the last she'd seen her, though now steadily devouring a really fancy pastry. Every iron lamppost she snored along by illuminated the violent pink shock that ran through her messy mane, and Augury felt she should do that with her own mane as it looked pretty good and she needed to change things up. Her eyes flicked to down the street where she saw a huge commotion coming from a stupid frou-frou restaurant for wealthy morons, as several of them all mussed up in really dirty clothes were tripping over themselves after the Alicorn with anger in their voices, echoing through the cool night.
Her eyes went to the magic they were casting tugging on the Alicorn's pink socks --She wears socks a lot, came the prominent thought-- and her dark hoodie, and her eyes travelled to the snoozing Alicorn's peaceful face as she somehow ate her treat, then back to the struggling fancy bastards, then to the Alicorn, back again, she blinked, blinked again.
"Huh." She observed with a noteworthy level of detachment.
She continued walking on to the bus station. It really was not her problem.
Author's Note
Shift Harder says the title, but I much prefer to Sit Harder.
Decided to get a little more in depth with characters this time around, why not. 
I also kept imagining Mon Chéri sounded like Princess Amalia from Wakfu.
Translations for Mon Chéri those of you that can't be arsed doing it your own selves.
Arrêtez ça tout de suite! / Stop that this instant!
Posez ce plateau cette seconde! / Put that tray down this second!
Non, non! Espèce de jument folle! Comment oses-tu détruire mon beau travail! / No, no! You crazy mare! How dare you destroy my beautiful work!
Merde! Sale pute! / Shit! Dirty Whore!
Lemme know your mouthwords. Like Luna's tiny bottom, your comments excite me so.
