Ponyville40k: Dawn of Friendship

Chapters

Intro
The Dawn of Friendship: Part Two
The Dawn of Friendship: Part Three
The Dawn of Friendship: Part Four
The Dawn of Friendship: Part Five
The Dawn of Friendship: Part Six
Bonus: Lt. Ditzy Doo's Rules of Conduct
The Dawn of Friendship: Part One

Intro

It is the 41st Millenium. For more than a hundred centuries, the Empress Celestia has sat immobile on the Golden Throne of Canterlot. She is the master of ponykind by the will of the gods and ruler of a million worlds by the friendship of her inexhaustible armies. She is the Alicorn of all Equestrium for whom a thousand souls visit every day so that she may never truly be alone.

Yet even in her solemn state, the Empress continues her eternal vigilance. Vast fleets cross the chaos-infested miasma of the Warp, the only route between distant stars, their way lit by the Astronomican, the magical manifestation of the Empress`Will. Vast armies spread friendship in her name on uncounted worlds. Greatest amongst her agents are the Adeptus Astartes, the Space Mareines - blessed, enchanted super-ponies. And their comrades in hooves are legion: the Equestrian Guard and countless Planetary Welcoming Forces, the ever-vigilant Inquisition, the zealous Adeptus Fraternis, and the Tech-Ponies of the Adeptus Mechanicolt to name only a few. But for all their multitude, they are barely enough to hold off the ever-present threat from the hateful, the bigoted, the selfish...and worse.

To be a pony in such times is to be one amongst untold billions. It is to live in the friendliest and most caring regime imaginable. These are the tales of those times. Forget the power of hated and greed, for in the bright future there is only harmony. There is peace amongst the stars, an eternity of friendship and sharing, and the laughter of young fillies.

My name is Twilight Sparkle of her Majesty`s Most Holy Inquisition, the Ordo Harmonious. Mine was a life spent in service and solitude - to study the wonders of magic and ensure harmony is maintained throughout the Equestrium. I used to wonder what friendship could be...until they shared its magic with me...

Editorial Note:

Though the centuries that I had spent serving alongside Inquisitor Twilight Sparkle are long behind me, it was at the behest of the Inquisition that I release her personal memoir collection to the general public. Personally, I would have preferred to have kept the inner thoughts of my dearest friend as private as they had meant to be, the thousandth anniversary of her passing made me reconsider. She was a hero and an inspiration to countless billions and in this current day and age, I felt that what the Equestrium needed most was a hero.

Unfortunately, most of Twilight’s writings and musings were done under the assumption that the records would only ever be read by fellow Inquisitors who were as well-versed in advanced sciences and sorcery. I’ve taken the liberty to add what footnotes I can to help clarify issues for those of you lacking degrees in Equestrian history or Warp Theology.

-Spike Varanus

The Dawn of Friendship: Part Two

The Dawn of Friendship
Part Two

“Sometimes making the right choice means making the choice nopony likes. It’s called ‘tough love’ and it’s what separates the good Inquisitors from the bad.”-High Inquisitor Trixie, Ordo Magikus

Against better judgement, I decided not to stay inside the ship and wait for my senses to realign themselves. Time was of the essence and I wasn’t about to let a pounding headache, a numb face, or the fact the world appeared to be swirling about me, keep me from completing my mission. I stumbled my way out of the lander, passing by Spike who was still in the latrine and likely equally shaken by the ride, and down the boarding ramp. Perhaps ‘stumble’ is not quite accurate as I basically tripped, fell, and tumbled down the ramp, landing on my backside in a dusty, open field. “This is intolerable,” I thought to myself as I laid on my back, staring at the sun looming high above. I wasn’t sure if I should thank the space mareine or have her transferred to some distant ice-ball of a planet. Thankfully, I was above petty revenge and I wasn’t interested in dealing with the considerable amount of backlash and paperwork that revenge would have incurred. With any luck, however, the space mareine would go back to whatever nonsense she had been wasting her time with earlier and I would be able to proceed without further interruptions. And on par with my luck thus far in the day, that hope lasted all of ten seconds when a new pony arrived, blocking the sun momentarily as she stared down at me. Since I could still hear the pegasus laughing somewhere on the far side of my ship, the newcomer had to be somepony else.

“Well boy howdy, you look you’ve been put through the wringer,” the mare spoke in an strange, accented voice. Because of the silhouetting effect from the sun, I couldn’t make out much detail until I managed to get back onto my hooves. She was an earth pony, though not just any ordinary pony - her sturdy, orange-pelted frame was draped in a large black, red-lined greatcoat and her blonde mane was tucked under a matching peaked cap. These were not the garments of your average pony but rather a member of another important Equestrian office - the Commissariat.(1) Under normal circumstances, the sight of a commissar was a welcomed relief as they were highly trained in the teachings of friendship and harmony, capable leaders, and could usually kick a fair bit of flank if the situation called for it. A commissar never travelled alone as they were typically attached to an Equestrian Guard regiment (their duties being to maintain harmony and morale amongst the troopers). My hope of continuing my mission without attracting too much attention was now in its death throes as a quick glance to my surroundings revealed that Rainbow Dash had parked my ship in the middle of a courtyard that was being used as a garrison for a guard regiment. Surrounded on all sides by high walls and watch towers, the courtyard housed a large number of tents and cabins, save for a large parade ground which had been host to a number of drilling guardponies prior to my arrival. Thanks to a landing that was about as subtle as an air horn in a cathedral, every guardpony in the area had stampeded over and now surrounded my ship in a wide arc. “You alright there little missy?” the commissar asked.

“I...I think so,” I said groggily, still trying to massage some sensation back into my face.

“Well, it looks like you’ve had it rough...and Ah’d hate to get on yer case but...could you mind explaining why you landed your fancy little ship on top of mah tent?” the commissar inquired as politely as she could before directing my attention back to my ship. Sticking out from beneath the fuselage was a flattened tarp, which I could only assume used to be the commissar’s tent.

“Oh...oh dear, I’m really sorry about that,” I apologized even though the choice of parking spot hadn’t been mine.

“Don’t listen to her AJ,” Rainbow’s voice suddenly interrupted, followed a moment later by the pegasus landing next to me. “This was totally my fault. You see, Twilight here had a little bit of an accident so she needed to get towed somewhere. Now all the spaceports are full because of the no-fly zone so I figured I’d use your landing pad. Then I saw you had a ship on it already so I had to put her down somewhere. But I was kinda coming in too fast so I had to put her down somewhere before we accidentally crash into the keep or the wall or something important. You know how these happen.”

Strangely enough, the commissar seemed to accept Rainbow’s explanation. “Why am Ah not surprised?” she said with a quiet sigh. Judging by their casual familiarity with each other, this was probably not the first time they had crossed paths under such circumstances. Maybe Rainbow had played chicken with the commissar’s ship once. “Fine...just move the dang thing and bring back mah tent, okay?”

“No problem, I’ll get it done in ten seconds flat!” the pegasus said boastfully as she raced off to get to work. What she was quick to discover, however, was that an airborne ship was a lot easier to move compared to one lodged in the dirt. “Almost...got it!” she grunted as she pushed against the vessel with all her might. “Just...don’t start the clock yet...just need to get up to speed!” Slowly, the ship began to plough through the dirt, although the commissar’s tent only wound up getting dragged along for the ride, getting torn to shreds and leaving a trail of the commissar’s personal effects in its wake.

The commissar simply sighed once again, much heavier than before, and buried her face into her hooves. “That Rainbow is one-of-a-kind Ah tells ya,” she muttered to herself, seemingly oblivious to the fact that I was still standing next to her. “Guess Ah’m bunking with Applebloom again.” We watched as Rainbow Dash gradually pushed my lander across but after several minutes we both lost interest and the commissar finally realized that I was still present. “Oh crabapples, Ah completely forgot about ya,” she said as she turned to me, flashing me a warm and friendly smile. “Where are mah manners? Ah’m Commissar Applejack and this here is Fort Sweet Apple - the biggest, bestest stronghold of friendship this side of the Mason-Dixie nebula. Mighty sorry about all this mess...Ah reckon this ain’t how you planned on arriving. Ah imagine you’re probably here for the big feast, right?”

“Uh, sort of,” I hesitantly replied. I still wanted to slip out without drawing too much attention to myself so I had to watch what I said. My research was essential and if the guard regiment got the impression of an imminent invasion from Luna, I ran the risk of being stuck in strategy meetings with planetary officials for hours on end. I needed to know the exact times and dates, otherwise I just risked setting off a panic pandemic at a time when I needed quiet solitude to continue my work. And that was assuming if any of them believed me - what was far more likely would be the usual scoffing followed by reassuring platitudes that I was chasing old mare’s tales. “My name’s Twilight Sparkle and I really need to get into the city to do some work.”

“Well shucks Miss Sparkle-”

“That’s Inquisitor Sparkle!” Rainbow’s voice suddenly interjected from afar. “And when this is over, she’s gonna help set me up with the Wonderbolts!”

“I never promised that!” I shouted without even thinking. So much for maintaining a low profile. As I had feared, the moment the word ‘Inquisitor’ was uttered there was a loud, audible gasp from every pony in attendance.

There are few feelings as bad as knowing exactly what’s about to happen and not being able to do a darn thing about it. It was like watching a train crash in slow-motion. The commissar immediately dashed off, racing over to a large brass bell that was set up in the middle of the courtyard. “Surprise inspection! Every pony in the courtyard! Double time it now!” she shouted as she rang the bell several times. The whole camp burst into action with ponies running en masse across the courtyard, hastily assembling themselves into large columns across the parade ground. All I could was stand there and hope that I could spot an opening through the stampede of ponies that I could potentially escape through. Alas, the only opening I saw that I could make a break through was because all the ponies had finally organized themselves on the parade ground. I had expected at least a few more minutes given the size of the camp but it’s just my luck that I happened to run into one of the few orderly and efficient regiments in the galaxy. Where was the inefficiency of the Administratum when you needed it? If they were running the Equestrian Guard it’d take an executive order filled out in triplicate on gold-leaf paper to get a parade organized and not before a panel convened to discuss whether a parade would be needed in the first place. And by the time the paperwork would have gotten through, the regiment would have been downsized to three ponies in a cart armed with fresh fruit and I would have had enough time to hitchhike my way back to the Golden Throne.

However, with efficiency apparently being the credence for the day, Applejack returned radiating with enough pride that I wished I had brought some sunglasses with me. I didn't even get a word off before she led me off towards the parade ground. The entire regiment of guardponies were arranged into six large columns with each company further subdivided into their respective platoons. At front and center, arranged into two line, were all the officers - one containing all the junior officers and a second with all the senior ones. At the forefront was the commanding officer - a towering red stallion who looked so indifferent to the situation, he might as well have not been there. "This big feller right is Colonel Macintosh," Applejack started. "He once took on a buffalork twice his size and he had that browncoat beat lickity-split! Now he does call the shots around these here parts but just between you and me, Inquisitor, I do most of the real work. He mostly just stands around and looks all fancy for the higher-ups."

"Eeyup," Macintosh replied, apparently also indifferent to being thought of as an over-sized lawn ornament. There must have been considerable trust between the two for a commanding officer to allow a commissar so much control over their regiment. That or he didn't care about that caveat either.

"Next up we got Major Braeburn - sharp as a tack an’ quick as a fiddle,” Applejack continued, directing my attention to the smaller stallion standing next to the colonel. “Just don’t get ‘im talking cause then he ain’t never gonna shut up,” she added in a hushed whisper.

“What was that?” Braeburn spoke up.

“Nuttin’!”Applejack, perhaps in order to avoid getting the major started, quickly shoved me further down the line to continue with the introductions. “Now how about I introduce ya to our fine captains?” she asked, rhetorically of course since she didn’t even wait for a response before resuming. “First up is Captain Apple Fritter - three-time recipient of the Distinguished Harmony Star. Up next is Captain Apple Bumpkin - she’s one of the best shots in all of Ponyville...after me, of course. Now Captain Red Gala heads up our recon division; ain’t nothing that gets past her. Then we got the brothers Captain Red Delicious and Golden Delicious. Don’t you worry if you get the two mixed up - you usually can’t find one without finding the other anyways. And lastly we’ve got Captain Caramel Apple - she’s in charge of logistics and support so if you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to ask her. And if she can’t find it, then it ain’t on this planet. Now up next we got the lieutenants...”

Sweet Celestia, there seemed to be no end to the introductions. Meeting the captains was quick and easy but there were about four to five lieutenants under each captain and Applejack had to make sure I was properly introduced to each and every one of them. To be honest, I was barely paying any attention to the names, simply plastering on the most sincere smile that I could fake and nodding accordingly. The only introduction that I was actually paying attention to was the final one, where I knew I had to start focusing again before another pony thought I promised to dole out more favours. The last lieutenant was a silver pegaus who would have been otherwise unnoteworthy were it not for the fact that one could not look at her and not immediately notice that her eyes weren't aligned quite right. I wondered how exactly a pony like that could have attained the rank of lieutenant and I hoped that she had been given the commission based on her abilities and not some pony returning a favour.

"And this cheery little mare is our newest addition," Applejack as she patted the aforementioned mare on the back. "This here is Lieutenant Ditzy Doo (2) and she's heading the aerial recon team from here on out."

"Is she...uh, okay to fly with that um..." I knew it was a bad idea to bring it up but the words slipped out rather suddenly.

"Oh that?" the commissar replied, chuckling dismissively at my concerns. “Don’tchu fret none Twilight, Ditzy here is one of mah best fliers. How’s that eye treating you today lieutenant?”

The pegasus, beaming with pride, pipped back cheerfully, “It’s getting better Commissar.” Ditzy then tightly shut her eyes, visibly straining at something, and when they re-opened, they were properly aligned. Alas, the triumphant grin on her face was brief as her eyes drifted back out of alignment seconds later. “Aww, ponyfeathers...”

“Just keep working on it. Doc Whooves says it’ll get better in time,” Applejack reassured the pegasus before we continued on. “So there you have it Twilight, that there is the Fourth Apple Guard and while they might not be as fancy as those hoity-toity space mareines-”

“I heard that!” Rainbow objected quite loudly as she dashed over to our position. How in blazes she managed to hear us over the sound of my ship ploughing through the courtyard was beyond me. “Who are you calling hoity-toity?”

“The one who spends half her day polishing her barding,” she replied teasingly. “Now where’s mah tent?” Oddly enough, the mention of the tent seemed to silence the space mareine, who begrudgingly marched back over to my ship, muttering her displeasure under her breath.

The momentarily lull in the conversation gave me a chance to finally step in and exercise some measure of damage control. I knew what Applejack was looking for - she wanted to get her regiment into the Inquisition’s good books. A commendation from the office of the Inquisition was a badge of honour for any guard regiment and guaranteed them first pick for new postings for the rest of the century, if not longer. On top of that, there were numerous perks for working with the Inquisition, the biggest being authorization for the acquisition of some of the best equipment in the Equestrium. With the allure of the best boots, toys, tanks, and gizmos in the known galaxy, it was easy to understand why every regiment wanted to buddy up with an Inquisitor. The situation was delicate if I were to have any hopes of getting to my research. I just needed Applejack and her troops out of my way long enough so I could get my work done without making it sound like I was scorning them.

“So...I take you and your troops are all from Appleloosa?” I asked, figuring a little small talk would help keep the commissar in a pleasant mood.

“You bet’cha - all of us are Appleloosians, born n’ raised,” Applejack said with pride. I didn’t know much about Appleloosa or its ponies, other than a reputation for fielding strong, tenacious regiments. And the only reason I correctly identified her accent was because the head cook on my cruiser hailed from the same world. “Well, except for a bunch of the pegasus.(3) We ain’t got many of them back home so we had to borrow a few from elsewhere. But hey, after all we’ve been through there as Appleloosian as apple pie in mah books. Why I bet once your done here the boys and gals will think of you like family too!”

Not if I had anything to say about that. “I...probably won’t be planetside for too long. I’m just here to conduct some important research.”

“Oh, I gets ya - ‘research,’” she replied with a playful wink as if I had been speaking in code. “Don’tchu worry, Ah won’t tell the others. We wouldn’t want to get the ponyfolks worried, now would we?”

I knew trying to clarify what I meant would get me nowhere fast so I just played along in the hopes of facilitating a timely departure. “Seriously though, I need to get into the city so I get started on my work.”

“It's a long walk if you want to get anywhere important," Applejack explained as she motioned for me to follow her. "Ah'll get one of mah gals to drive you into town."

"Just so long as it's somepony not too chatty. I can't afford interruptions while I'm working."

"Ah know just the pony for ya," she replied. Thank Celestia something was finally starting to go my way. "She's a might bit on the shy side but she's one of the sweetest mares you'll ever meet. Come on, she's right over this way." Applejack led me on another stroll through the pony ranks, stopping occasionally and scanning through the numbers before continuing on. I was about to interject with another reminder of the hurry when Applejack trotted over to one of the captains. "Dangnabbit...Captain Bumpkin, do you know you where the hay Fluttershy has gone run off to?”

“Again?” the captain replied, followed by quiet grumbling under her breath. She turned to the regiment and called out, “Would somepony be so kind as to please shove Private Fluttershy to the front.”

A bit of an odd request, I thought, but as I soon discovered it was a necessity. Nothing happened at first but slowly, one could hear an odd...squeaking of protest rising out from the the sea of the ponies. “That’s really not...I mean, you don’t have to....no wait, please don’t-eek!” The protesting fell silent when the formation parted slightly and the aforementioned Private Fluttershy was unceremoniously shoved front and center by the ponies behind her. “P-private Fluttershy reporting ma’am...” she said in a barely audible whisper. Applejack describing the private as ‘a might bit shy’ was about as much an understatement as saying that the Luna Heresy was ‘an unpleasant disagreement.’ The young pegasus barely made eye contact with any of us, seemingly more interested in the plot of soil between her hooves; and that was when one could even see her eyes as they were often hidden behind a pink curtain of hair. The helmet she wore was couple sizes too small, while the remainder of her uniform was the opposite, causing her voluminous mane to puff out all along the edges. And here I had been worried about Lt. Ditzy’s ability to fly straight. But on the bright side, she was very quiet so hopefully I’d be able to work without interruptions.

“Now Fluttershy, this here is Inquisitor Twilight Sparkle,” Applejack began, directing the private’s attention over to me. I think Fluttershy looked up for about a half-second, which was more eye contact than she had managed thus far. “She needs to get into town lickity split for some important work. Ah want you to grab one of the red hares and drive Twilight wherever she needs to go. Ya got all that?”

Not surprisingly, the private merely nodded in silence. She slowly walked over to me, which she managed to do without even looking up, and gently motioned for me to follow. “Right this way Miss Sparkle...I mean, Inquisitor...um, if that’s alright with you. We don’t need to leave right away if you need some time...”

For a moment, I felt a bit sorry for the private. I was vaguely reminded of my first time meeting Inquisitor Star Swirl, the unicorn who eventually became my instructor. Despite my eagerness to study the art of magic and become an Inquisitor, his reputation was almost terrifying for a young filly. It didn’t help that we met just seconds after I nearly totalled his entire library.(4) The pressure of expectations from an authoritative figure turned me into a completely nervous wreck and compared to Fluttershy now, I was practically a paragon of confidence in my youth. I made a mental note to be gentle on the young pegasus, lest I make things worse for her.

“I would like to leave as soon as possible,” I told her as calmly as I could. “If you could please get the vehicle ready, I just have to go and get a few things from my ship.” I had yet to see any sign of Spike so I decided to head back to my ship in order to check up on him. And speaking of my ship, Rainbow Dash had managed to push it half-way across the courtyard and had it ‘parked’ alongside several of the regiment’s vehicles. I use the term ‘parked’ rather loosely since it was tilted part-way onto its side and was pointing towards the wall, both of which would make take-off an arduous task. As for Rainbow Dash, she was still trying to extricate the tent from beneath the fuselage, not that there was much of a tent left thanks to her. “Hey Spike, we’re moving out. Hurry it up,” I called out as I trotted up the boarding ramp.

“Coming!” he called back.

Unfortunately, as much as I had wanted to rush things along, all the turbulence had left the ship’s cargo hold looking as though a herd of buffalork had just passed through. “I’ll have to organize this all later,” I remarked as I sifted through the mess to find the rest of my research notes. “Well, maybe I could just put these boxes back up...no! You need to focus Twilight! The fate of the galaxy is at stake!” I knew the longer I stayed, the stronger the temptation would become so I simply shouted for Spike to hurry up and headed on my way. It wasn’t hard to find Fluttershy again as she had been kind enough to bring the red hare around and was waiting patiently only a few meters from my ship. A red hare was hardly the pinnacle of comfort and luxury given that they were built on a budget that would make a vending machine seem fancy but they were fast and that’s all I needed right now. Red hares were mostly used for scouting but in regiments with attached aerial recon units it’s job was limited primarily to shuttling ponies around and light infantry support. “My assistant will be here in just a moment,” I told Fluttershy as I climbed into the open canopy passenger compartment. With a practically mute driver, I was able to relax in the relatively spacious passenger compartment (which had seats about as comfortable as a pile of gravel) and read over my notes. A few minutes later, Spike finally came along but he decided to drop down into the co-driver’s seat. At first, I thought this arrangement would give me a distraction-free ride but as it turned out, I wasn’t the one at risk for distractions.

“Oh my! Are you...are you a dragon?” I heard echo from the driver’s compartment. I should have realized something was amiss when I could hear the private’s voice through a half-inch plate of plasteel but I was too focused on my work to pay it any heed.

“Why yes...yes I am,” Spike replied proudly.

“Oh wow. I’ve never actually met a dragon before...I was always told that they were these big, scary things with sharp teeth...”

“I don’t know about the scary part but I should get pretty big in a couple of centuries.”

“But you’re absolutely adorable! How could someone so cute ever become something mean and scary?” I wasn’t certain what the private’s definitions of ‘cute’ and ‘scary’ were but in my books anything that was over fifty spans high and had teeth larger than my head had the potential to be terrifying, regardless of how cute it was at one point in its life. “Are there many dragons in the Inquisition?”

“Uhh...not that I’m aware of. Dragon eggs aren’t exactly easy to come by. Twilight found my egg by a complete fluke.” It wasn’t exactly a fluke to be honest but I came across Spike’s egg when I was still being mentored by Inquisitor Star Swirl. The egg was found cryogenically preserved in the drifting hulk of an ancient dragon starship that Star Swirl and I were exploring in hopes of salvaging something of value. Even the most generous estimates put the number of dragons in the galaxy at a few hundred, even fewer still in possession of the great ships that once terrorized ponies across the Equestrium.(5)

After having listened to the two banter back and forth for several minutes, I realized that there was a lot of chatter but there had been absolutely no driving thus far. “Hey, less talky, more drivey please,” I shouted, pounding on the rear panel of the driver’s hatch.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Fluttershy quickly apologized. The private put the red hare into gear and opened the throttle...only to drive the vehicle backwards straight into a nearby hut. “Oh no! That was the reverse gear,” the private squeaked in distress. She quickly changed gears and tried once more...only to drive backwards even further into the hut. Apparently my driver had forgotten that a red hare had more than one reverse gear (in fact, there are three). After another stream of apologies, Fluttershy tried for a third time to put the vehicle into drive and this time she eased the throttle as delicately as possible. Thankfully, this time the vehicle lurched forward and we were finally able to get on our way.

Sadly, I was mistaken in my presumption that I would be able to focus on my studies during the ride. Thanks to the chatty pair up front, I had the satisfaction of Spike going into great lengths on his personal study into the culinary arts of gemstone preparations, all of which Fluttershy found terribly interesting down to the most minute of details. Somehow, Commissar Applejack had decided to choose the most xeno-loving pony in the entire Equestrian Guard to be my driver and she was having an absolutely field day with Spike’s undivided attention. As it turned out, Fluttershy was a bit of an amateur xenologist, spending much of her free time learning all she could about alien species. Now far be it for me to stifle the enthusiasm and determination of a Guardpony, for most knew little of the various non-pony species that inhabited the galaxy outside personal experience and old mare’s tales, but her unbridled curiosity was not only distracting me from my studying, it was distracting her from her driving.

Granted, one did not need to fret as much about driving when your vehicle outweighed everything else on the road by almost forty tonnes and was armed with a 30mm cupcake cannon. However, it did not make for a smooth, comfortable, or even remotely peaceful ride when the vehicle was constantly swerving from side-to-side in order to dodge traffic, accompanied by the blaring horns of disgruntled drivers, and slid through corners at twice the recommended speed. And despite Fluttershy’s gentle nature, she certainly wasn’t gentle on the throttle or the brakes as I spent as much time studying my notes as I did bracing myself to prevent from being bounced around the passenger compartment like a pinball. Thankfully, the paved streets of Ponyville were fairly well kept or I would have been equally concerned about being ejected out of the cabin like an unwanted stowaway.

“Are we there yet?” I shouted. Between the traffic, the engine, and their conversation, I doubt my words were heard by anypony. Not that it mattered, however, as the red hare screeched to a halt, which unfortunately threw me face-first into the back-end of the cupcake cannon. Perhaps if my head were not pounding, I would have found a small hint of amusement in the fact that I had once thought that riding with Fluttershy was an improvement over Rainbow Dash. I was still taking tally of my teeth when the driver’s hatch popped open and Fluttershy poked her head out to let me know we had arrived at our destination.

“Are you okay Inquisitor Sparkle?” Fluttershy asked when she noticed the breech-shaped dent in my face.

“I’ll be good once I’m inside and working,” I insisted in a grumble.

“Oh, can I come too?” the private asked. I suspected her reasons were more to do with Spike than an interest in my work and since I didn’t need more interruptions I had to say no.

“Stay with the tank,” I instructed. “You’re welcome to stay too Spike.” Getting rid of both of them would leave me free of interruptions plus it would keep Fluttershy from getting bored and wandering away on me.

My destination was the main observation tower in the city - a massive, towering spire that pierced the clouds, dwarfing everything else in the city by leagues. Hopefully, the precise measuring equipment housed within the tower would be able to give me accurate readings on local star clusters. And with the proper calibrations, it should be able to detect localized distortions in the warp-reality barrier, giving us a means of early detection. My only concern at this point was the ponies who operated the facility - the tech-ponies of the Adeptus Mechanicolt. Personally, I had nothing against the technological wizards who basically controlled the production and development of all technology in the galaxy. It was just that they had a reputation for being...odd. Perhaps odd is not the politest of terms. It would be more accurate to say that they simply had a different set of priorities compared to most ponies and those priorities often left the average pony baffled. Plus, they also seemed to operate on their own set of rules that were just as baffling as their priorities. And their authority was almost immovable - even as an Inquisitor, I had to play nicely with the tech-ponies or risk being shunned by them. The authority of the Inquisition meant little to them in the long run because they knew how irreplaceable they were as an organization. I could rant and wail about wanting to use the observatory until I went blue in the face but if they said no then I was powerless to do anything about it.(6)

“Hello?” I called out as I pushed open the massive brass doors leading into the observatory. “Anypony here?” The atrium appeared to be deserted, my steps echoing down the long, marble-walled corridor. Great columns lined the walls, each one etched with images of the God-Empress within a halo of a large cog. I always found it peculiar how the tech-ponies facilities always seemed to resemble cathedrals more than workshops but they did treat technology as though it were a religion.(7) As I delved deeper into the facility, I could hear a noise in the distance that sounded faintly of the whirling and humming of power tools. I followed the source and found a pony toiling away in a tiny side-room. Even though her back was to me, I could tell it was a tech-pony - normal ponies don’t have a pair of mechanical tendrils sprouting from their back, as well as a third one in place of where her tail should’ve been. All three extra limbs (mechadendrites I believe is the proper technical term for them) were hard at work, shooting off showers of sparks and vibrant flashes of blue and orange, and the noise forced me to shout just to be heard. “Excuse me!” It took three shouts to finally get the tech-ponies attention.

“Just a second,” she replied. The tech-pony turned about and once one of her mechadendrites flipped up the visor that was covering her eyes, she gave me a very scrutinizing gaze as if assessing whether I was worth her time or not. Like most tech-ponies, she was as much machine as she was pony - all four of her legs were chrome-plated steel, polished to a shine and adorned with gold trimming, and fitted on the left side of her head was an optical mount that was connected to the previously mentioned visor. “Since you’re not pulling a cart of flux capacitors, I’m going to presume you are not the deliverymare.”

“Um...no. My name is Inquisitor Twilight Sparkle and I-”

“Inquisitor you say?” the tech-pony replied, her eyes widening momentarily. Given how every other pony has reacted to the word ‘Inquisitor’ one would think I would have been more careful with tossing it around. Alas, I had thought it would have expedited the process. What a fool I was. “Sweet cogs of Celestia, why didn’t you say so sooner? Come with me, my dear. We simply must do something to fix you up.”

“But I need to...wait, what do you mean by fix? Fix what?” I questioned as a mechanical arm snaked around my shoulder and led me along.

“Why fix all of this dear Inquisitor,” she said, gesturing to...well, all of me. “I cannot understand how you can tolerate walking around all the time on those flabby, old, fleshy appendages you call legs. No optics, no sensors...why I don’t even see any chip slots for neural implants. What kind of Inquisitor are you if you aren’t sporting the latest in technological accessories? Hmm...and while we’re at it, perhaps we can do something to trim that little bit of excess ‘you’ around the waistline.”

“Hey! I like me the way I am,” I protested as the claws at the ends of her robotic tendrils pinched at my sides.

“But why be you when you can be a much better you?” she asked rhetorically. The tech-pony then stomped one of her hooves, prompting a tiny wheel to pop out of the bottom of each hoof. “Now come, come please! Let me show what potential you hold,” she continued as the wheels came to life and she started driving down the hall. Since she was the only tech-pony in sight, I had no choice but to give chase if I wanted to gain access to the observatory’s systems. Unfortunately, that just gave the tech-pony the completely wrong impression. “Honestly, I’m surprised you ponies haven’t come to me sooner. The Inquisition is all about demanding the best and quite frankly my genius goes unappreciated by the primitive barbarians of this world. And all the dust and dirt...ick! It’s absolutely revolting. But finally all my hard work and patience has paid off and everypony will know the brilliance of Rarity!”

The tech-pony left me few opportunities to try and steer the conversation back on course. By the time she came to a stop, I had been led probably half-way through the bottom floor of the observatory. “Listen, I really need to talk to you. It’s important,” I said as I slowed to a halt, slightly winded from the chase. Perhaps I could have benefited from losing a little bit of excess me.

“Of course! Nothing is more important than ensuring the satisfaction of Her Empress’ most loyal servants,” Rarity said enthusiastically and, of course, completely misinterpreting my remarks. The room I had been led to was adorned with various monitors and devices of unknown purpose, all suspended from the ceiling by massive conduits. Before I could argue further, she shoved me onto a raised platform in the center of the room and the machines began to come to life. “Now hold still and smile,” she instructed. My smile was probably more along the lines of a dumbfounded gaze as small orbs began to rise all around me, shining bright, green lights over my body. It took me a moment to realize I was on some kind of scanning platform, though the purpose of which did not become obvious until a mechanical arm suddenly descended from the ceiling and dropped some kind of jet-engine onto my back. “Flight accessories are all the rage with Inquisitors today. After all, why leave the skies just to the pegasus? This uses a duel-stage turbofan-scramjet hybrid design, allowing for control and fuel-efficiency at both sub and super-sonic speeds. Well, what do you think?”

“It’s...kind of heavy...” I groaned under the strain of trying to stay upright. The darn thing weighed a tonne and if she didn’t get rid of it soon she would have to scrap me off the floor with a spatula.

“Well if the weight is a bother then we can fit you easily with these bionic legs,” she explained as additional arms emerged from the floor around me, each one holding up a robotic appendage. “Now normally the bracer upgrades would cost extra but I’m willing to give you the Inquisitor’s discount and throw them in for half-price.”

“This...isn’t really what I wanted...” I tried to interject, only to get cut-off as usual.

“Ah, of course! How silly of me. What was I thinking?” Rarity scoffed playfully. Thankfully, the arm came back and removed the jet engine...only to come back and strap on a pair of mechanical wings. Unlike the previous, these were far lighter, composed of thin metallic feathers attached to a gold-plated lattice. “Clearly you are a pony of discriminating tastes. These beauties are the Sanguinius MkV, crafted by yours truly no less. These offer the very latest in anti-grav skimmer technology - fast, agile, completely silent, and utterly invisible to all major EM auspex scanners. And best of all, we can customize the colour so you never have to worry about it clashing with your style. Just be sure when all your fellow Inquisitors are gazing in awe-struck silence, you let them know you got them from Rarity.”

“Uhh...they’re nice and all but...”

“Oh don’t worry, we’re not finished yet,” Rarity interrupted...again! “We can’t have you leaving with those and not include the matching bionic legs.” Once again, another set of legs emerged from below, this time showing off a set that looked almost identical to the ones that Rarity possessed. “And I’ll tell you what, I’ll be willing to throw these lovely enhancements in for free on one little caveat - take me with you! You cannot imagine how it feels to be surrounded by all these primitive ponies! My talents are wasting away on this backwater mudball. You have to take me with you - you simply must! The Inquisition needs a tech-pony of my genius. I was built to be a part of that glorious life - to work and build with the greatest minds the galaxy has ever seen.”

“I...uh, er...” Now I was just left speechless. The tech-pony had gone from flattering to pleading so quickly that I barely had time to catch my bearings. “I...might be able to talk to my superiors...” I said hesitantly, wanting to be reassuring without committing too much. “But this isn’t really what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Worry not, m’dear. We shall have plenty of time to talk in the post-op.”

“Post what?”

“We must get the operation started right away, no?” Rarity explained as one of the mechadendrites raised above her head and expanded into a large, circular saw blade.

“What? Are you crazy?” I yelped in protest.

Oddly enough, she stopped for a brief instant and cast a glance between me and the saw blade. “You’re right. Adamantium blades are so last millennium. The laser-cutter will speed up the recovery process. Don’t go anywhere - I’ll be right back.” Like hay I was going to wait around. The second that Rarity disappeared, I bolted out the door as fast as my fleshy, organic legs could carry me. I was beginning to wonder if every pony on this planet was flipping crazy or if it was just my luck. Either way, I raced back to the red hare and jumped into the back compartment.

“Oh, Miss Twilight...I didn’t know you were going to be back so soon,” Fluttershy remarked upon my arrival. “Are you finished already?”

“Just drive!” I shouted.

“Oh...uh, where to?”

“I don’t care! Just anywhere but here!” Thankfully, Fluttershy didn’t question any further and threw the red hare into overdrive. Fate of the galaxy or not, I wasn’t prepared to give my legs up to use an observatory. I would just have to come up with a new plan...preferably one that kept me far, far away from any tech-ponies.

Footnotes:
1) A commissar’s official duties were to maintain and oversee the morale, discipline, harmony, and loyalty of the Guardpony regiment they were attached to. Like Inquisitors, they were accountable to few others and had a great deal of operational freedom.
2) Yes, that is the same Ditzy Doo, Hero of the Equestrium, whose exploits became famous in the early part of the 42nd millennium.
3) Though pegasus can be found across the galaxy, on average they make up about 15% of the population on most planets. On Appleloosa, it’s only 9%. Most airborne specialists, such as recon, are from the handful of pegasus-exclusive worlds, where they are trained and attached to other regiments as needed.
4) ‘Set on fire’ would be more accurate.
5) Celestia’s rise to power and the Great Crusade were responsible for driving away most of the dragons in the known galaxy. Most have since fled beyond the galaxy’s edge but the derelict hulks of their ancient ships still drift through the galaxy.
6) As per the terms of the Treaty of Technological Harmony, the Adeptus Mechanicolt is required to heed the requests of the Inquisition. However, try to remind them of that and you’ll quickly find your transmission suddenly losing its connection.
7) They are, in fact, one and the same. Mechanicolt doctrine strives towards technological perfection as the penultimate expression of dedication to Celestia and her dreams of prosperity for all ponykind. As such, they horde all technological in sight, sharing only what they deem the rest of us fit to utilize. Their selfishness is reluctantly tolerated by the Inquisition.

The Dawn of Friendship: Part Three

The Dawn of Friendship
Part Three
"When beset by doubt,
Wave your hooves and shout.
Witness danger’s gleam,
Open wide and scream."
-a popular poem amongst Cutie Mark Crusaders

Inquisitors are supposed to represent the bravest and most selfless ponies from across the Equestrium. We are expected to brave any danger and make whatever sacrifice necessary in order to ensure the continued prosperity of Her empire. And yet, despite all that, I was prepared to let all of Ponyville fall into madness if it meant getting away from the seemingly crazed tech-pony. Unsurprisingly, the sight of an Inquisitor fleeing like a scared filly aroused Spike's concern and curiosity, prompting the obvious inquiries as to what had transpired. I deflected the questions with vague answers in hopes of preserving what little sense of dignity I had remaining but I doubt my attempts were very convincing. Had any other member of the Inquisition bore witness to my pathetic display of authority, I would have been laughed right out of the organization.(1) My mentor had always told that I needed to spend more time around ponies rather than books and the results of my refusal to heed that lesson were finally beginning to set in. I had always anticipated that the mere weight of my office's authority would be sufficient to handle any situation but as the day had been successful in teaching me, I had my work cut out for me.

It wasn't until the observatory was far behind us that I was finally able to breath a sigh of relief and instruct my driver to pull over to the side of the road. Unfortunately, on a crowded city street there wasn’t much room anywhere to conveniently pull over, let alone in a forty-tonne tank, and Fluttershy’s attempt to follow my instructions to the letter resulted in her bumping into the back-end of a parked truck when she attempted to parallel park. As there was no such thing as a ‘gentle nudge’ when it involved a tank, Fluttershy went into a panic over the damage she caused. Apathetic to her plight, I simply hopped out of the tank and continued on foot.

“Come along Spike,” I instructed as I passed by the front of the tank.

“Where are we going now?” he asked.

Considering my erratic behaviour for the past several minutes, I knew that he deserved to be kept aware of my plans. Alas, that required having a plan, which I had left behind in the observatory along with my credibility and self-respect. “Anywhere,” was the best answer I could give him. “I just...need to be some place where I’m not being pestered by all these blasted ponies!” Not the easiest of tasks in a city filled with thousands upon thousands of ponies but immersing myself into the endless sea of bodies milling through the streets at least allowed me to get lost in anonymity. Not wanting to get separated, Spike hopped onto my back but thankfully did not pester me with his further inquiries. I suspected he could sense my frustration and knew not to add to my burdens. As I drifted through the crowds, my mind worked furiously to try and device a new plan of action.

I thought that perhaps I could return to the observatory later and hope that Rarity was too preoccupied with other duties to notice me. No - hope was never a proper strategy to go into any situation. Maybe I snuck in carefully I could bypass the tech-ponies altogether. Another no - tech-ponies generally had enhanced senses, not to mention security systems and robotic assistants. I would have better luck trying to sneak into the Royal Palace. Perhaps a different tech-pony would be able to get what I needed. Again, that banked heavily on hope, this time the hope that another tech-pony wouldn’t be just as crazy, if not crazier, than the one that I had already fled from. Even shooting my way in was beginning to sound like a plausible idea except for the glaring problem in that tech-ponies were often so mechanical that ‘sleep’ had been replaced with plugging into a wall outlet.(2) A lazegun would be, at worst, a mild inconvenience for Rarity; at best, a pleasant, warm sensation to brighten her day before ruining mine. After a lengthy internal debate, I was still no closer to a solution that didn’t run the risk of levelling the observatory in the process. “What am I going to do Spike?” I asked out of the blue, catching my compatriot by surprise.

“I’m still confused as to what we’re doing now,” he replied. “You’ve been walking for like ten minutes without saying so much as a word.”

“Oh...right,” I muttered upon realizing that I hadn’t been keeping Spike up-to-speed on my still non-existent plans. “The tech-pony at the observatory was...difficult to deal with. Just like every pony I’ve met on this planet. Now I just...” I trailed off for a brief moment, partly because I was unable to find the right words to express my concerns and partly because I didn’t want to talk about my work in public. I decided to rectify at least one of those issues and made my way to a clearing, scaling the weathered stone steps at the foot of a massive cathedral. With festivities and celebrations springing up across the planet, the cathedral probably didn’t see much traffic and I was able to take a seat at the top of stairs with nopony in the immediate vicinity to eavesdrop or pester me.

“You seem to be getting a little bit stressed out Twilight. Maybe you should take a short break,” Spike suggested as he hopped off my back. ‘A little bit’ was an understatement but I simply nodded in response rather than let on how much the strain was getting to me. In hindsight, he probably knew far better than he let on.(3) “Here’s my idea - you stay here and maybe unwind for a bit and I’ll go back to the observatory with Fluttershy and talk to the tech-pony there.”

As my assistant, Spike’s duties typically consisting of cleaning up my messes both big and small as well as handling all the little tasks that I was often too busy to pay attention to. He tidied my libraries, fetched my books and scrolls from the archives, made sure I ate properly when my studies kept me preoccupied, and always provided me with a second opinion on matters whether I had asked for it or not. All in all, Spike made sure I was free from distractions when I needed to be but this marked one of the first times that he had volunteered to fulfill my duties for me. Either he finally recognized the degree of the threat I was attempting to prevent or he could simply tell just how badly the ordeal was affecting me. Whatever the case, I was infinitely grateful for his offer and I even managed a weak smile back when I nodded. “Just...be careful around them. They can be a bit peculiar.”

“To ponies maybe. I’m a dragon, remember? You’re all a bit peculiar to me.” I had to concede that point to Spike. Even though he had been raised amongst ponies his entire life, there were things inherent to his dragon nature (4) that clashed with pony culture or this case left him indifferent to things that normally made other ponies uneasy. At the very least, dragons were incompatible with bionic augmentations (5) so he wouldn’t have to worry about becoming Rarity’s next customer. With his newly appointed task, Spike raced off to find Fluttershy, disappearing into the crowds like a drop into the ocean. For the first time in a while, I was truly alone with my thoughts and it did not take long for me to immediate begin wishing that Spike had remained with me. I felt a bit lost and despite my earlier eagerness to isolate myself, I soon came to the realization that what I really wanted was somepony to talk to free of all the expectations that came with being an Inquisitor.

Perhaps a more spiritual pony would have noted that it couldn’t have been a coincidence that I was having these thoughts while sitting on the steps of a cathedral. Being of the more logical school of thought, I merely thought of it as a fortunate turn of events in a day that had been plagued by the opposite. I couldn’t recall the last time I had spoken to a priest but I figured if anypony could give me peace of mind, it would be a servant of the Ecclesiarchy. Upon opening the towering wooden doors, I was greeted with a waft of a rather peculiar aroma. Most cathedrals I had visited smelt of burning candles, incense, and old ponies but instead I was met with the fragrances of cinnamon, cake frosting, apple pie, and numerous other baked goods. Were it not for the three-story tall statue of Empress Celestia at the far end of the grand hall, I would have concluded that I had stepped into a bakery that had been cleverly integrated into a house of worship to capitalize on the massive congregations. The more likely explanation, however, was that the cathedral was simply lending its facilities to the ongoing festivities and this became evident when a pony emerged from the back room pushing along a cart topped with various cakes and pies. The main thought running through my head at the time was a wonderment as to why Equestrian architects had such a fascination with stone columns, as there were a dozen of them running the length of the chamber on each side. Then again, back during my days as a filly, I had insisted that the posters adorning my dorm room were of equal dimensions and evenly spaced across the walls as to maximize coverage. My judgment of aesthetics was questionable at best. The vast chamber seemed to amplify and reverberate every sound to the point where one could have heard a mouse hiccup from across the room and the pervasive silence meant that we were the sole occupants of the room. And because of the aforementioned acoustics, my approaching hoofsteps were as noticeable as an oncoming train. The pony pushing the cart stopped in her tracks as I was about half-way down the aisle.

“Oh, hello! If you’re looking for something to eat, you’ll have to go around back and wait for the cake like everypony else,” the priestess said cheerfully.

“Actually, I’m not here for cake,” I corrected her. The baked goods did look quite tempting though and the constant assault of delicious fragrances was quickly reminding me that I hadn’t eaten in quite some time.

“Well that’s just silly. Why would you come here if not for the cake?” she replied as though amused by this concept. “And everypony’s out back, no point lolly-gagging around in this big ol’ empty hall.”

“I was kinda hoping I could find a priest to talk to,” I admitted reluctantly.

“Oh! In that case we should find you the head priestess. Oh wait a minute, that’s me!” At first I thought she was laughing because she was pulling my leg but the sight of a Celestial Star pendant hanging from around her neck confirmed that this was no joke. I was at a bit of a loss for words at first - she wasn’t what I had expected from a priestess. Most ranking members of the Ecclesiarchy were stuffy, old ponies with graying manes that droned on about how only following the word of Celestia would ensure joy and harmony in life.(6) The priestess before me, however, was probably no older than myself and her curly pink mane looked to be more full of life than all of me put together. “I’m Pinkamena Pious but everypony just calls me Pinkie Pie. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you here before. What’s your name...and more importantly, do you prefer cake or pie?”

Confused didn’t begin to describe my mindset at the time, though I did manage to stammer out, “Twilight Sparkle...and, uh...cake, I guess.”

“All right! That’s another point for team cake,” the priestess cheered. “And since you’re new here, you get a free welcoming slice!” While the rational part of my mind knew that this wasn’t the time for cake, those thoughts were knocked out cold by a swift haymaker of hunger pain. Since I couldn’t operate on an empty stomach, it was easy to justify a quick snack. “Now how about you wipe that nasty frown away with some of my patented super-duper pink forest gateau?”(7)

Pinkie Pie didn’t even wait for a response before slicing off a piece of the aforementioned cake, which consisted of a tantalizing combination of chocolate cake layered with pink frosting and sweet cherries. Any semblance of self-control surrendered in the face of such a desert and I proceeded to wolf down the desert in a fashion quite unbecoming of a representative of the Empress’ will. But for a brief instant, as I savoured the moist, bittersweet cake, all the troubles of the galaxy just seemed to melt away.

“What did I tell ya? Nothing can stand against my gateau,” Pinkie Pie remarked. It took a second for me to realize that I had been subconsciously smiling as I ate the cake, a smile that persisted long after I was finished eating. “So how you take a seat and tell Auntie Pinkie what’s on your mind?”

“Well...okay,” I said reluctantly as I took a seat in one of the nearby pews. I was still uncertain whether this Pinkie Pie character was the right kind of pony I should be taking my concerns to but she was here and seemed genuinely concerned so it didn’t feel right to snub her. Besides, I owed her at least that much after that slice of cake. Actually I would have taken on the entire legions of Chaos single-hoofedly for another slice but that was beside the point. “It’s just...been one of those days where anything I try to do seems to fall flat on its face. It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that my work is incredibly important and on a very tight deadline. But whenever I try to get any work done, I keep getting interrupted by some pony who wants me to be my friend.” I thought I would have been a bit more cautious with my words but it seemed that once I opened the door, all my frustrations and grievances came tumbling out. “I know friends are important and all but none of them ever seem to be able to get it through their thick skulls that I just need some alone time so I can do my job and prevent the Equestrium was tumbling into unbridled chaos!” After realizing I had let slip far more than I should of, I wanted to pound my head against the back of the pew in front of me until the stupid had been knocked out of my mind.

“Oh, I know what you mean,” Pinkie Pie replied sounding remarkable calm. Now either she didn’t believe what I had said or she simply didn’t understand the implications. She shifted into the pew in the row ahead of me, resting her forelegs on the backrest, continuing on as casually as two old friends chatting over lunch. “Why the other day I was baking cakes for the big festival but then this funny looking pegasus came in asking if I could bake up a batch of muffins for her. That wasn’t too hard since I had plenty of mix left over from my last orders but just as I was putting the muffins into the oven, Commissioner Applejack shows up and she’s all ‘Ah need more pies!’ Then she just dumps a big ol’ bag of apples onto my table and I mean big! There were apples everywhere! By the time I got the apples all cleaned up it was the mid-afternoon post-lunch, pre-dinner rush so all the ponies were storming in wanting to place orders of their own.”

“So...what did you do?”

“The only thing I could do, of course - I asked the Commissioner and the pegasus to lend a hoof so I could get everypony’s order done in time,” she answered in a very matter-of-fact tone. “But then the kitchen caught fire so everypony got their orders done flambe style.” I wasn’t certain how that was suppose to be reassuring or uplifting since Pinkie’s attempts to help everypony created a small disaster instead. If anything, it justified my frustrations. However, the priestess wasn’t finished with her tale. “Since Applejack felt so bad about my kitchen, she sent down all her tech-ponies (8) to help fix it all back up and she even brought in a bunch of her friends to speed things along. Thanks to her, I was able to get all my orders finished and even had time to bake extra cupcakes for Applejack and all her guardponies as thanks! That just goes to show that when you take care of your friends, they’re always there to take care of you. It’s like the God-Empress once said, ‘the Equestrium was built upon the backs of ponies united and so long as they stand together, so shall the Equestrium.’”

“Hm...I guess...I guess you have a point there,” I muttered in response. “I’ve been so quick to insist on doing everything on my own and avoid delays that I didn’t consider how much they could have helped speed things up. Funny, you’d think as an Inquisitor I would know better than this...”

“You’re an Inquisitor?” Pinkie gasped as I mentally face-hoofed my lapse in judgment. “That’s so awesome!”

I was expecting something to follow: a demand, a request, a favour, something. But aside from an awe-inspired grin, that was all the response I got from her. “That’s...it? It’s awesome?” I asked, poking fate with the proverbial stick when I should have just left it alone.

“Well of course, silly! You get to fly around the galaxy in big, super cool space ship and get to meet all kind of ponies. And everypony’s always happy to see you because you fix all the stuff that’s making them unhappy. It’s like being a superhero but without all the secret identity stuff and an unlimited budget (9) - what’s not awesome about that?”

We were both genuinely surprised by the other pony’s reaction. I had always viewed my duty as exactly that - a commitment to all ponykind. Gifted with exceptional magical talents and a keen intellect, I felt obliged to use these talents to their fullest and to help the Equestrium prosper. A position within the Inquisitional allowed me the chance to use my talents to their fullest while also allowing me access to the largest repositories of magical lore in the galaxy. And to be honest, it was the chance for study and research that interested me most of all. Helping ponies was important but I had always figured my contributions to the Equestrium would be of the academic nature - helping ponies on a much grander scale with new knowledge and theories. To coin the old adage, I wanted to teach a pony how to farm than just give him a bag of oats. But perhaps in my fixation on the grand scale, I was ignoring one of the most crucial aspects of being an Inquisitor - a symbol of hope. The ponies who I thought of as a nuisance didn’t come to me with their problems, they came to me with their greatest hopes and dreams. And they all aspired to serve the Equestrium in the greatest capacity they could just as I aspire to every day. Perhaps if I had been more accommodating, I wouldn’t have been in the situation that I was.

“Wow...I never really thought of it like that,” I said, finally breaking the prolonged silence from reflecting on the priestess’ words.

“And that’s why I get to wear the fancy robes,” she said gleefully. “Plus it’s like wearing a giant bib all the time.” Deciding a need to demonstrate this fact, or simply because our conversation had made her peckish, Pinkie Pie dove head first the remainder of the pink forest gateau, devouring it in a most unwholesome fashion that sent frosting and cherries flying in every direction. Quick wits and quicker reflexes were the only things that kept me from getting hit by the collateral as I ducked behind the pew, narrowly avoiding a cherry to the eye.

“Too bad I couldn’t have found you sooner, might have saved me from wasting an entire day,” I remarked with a quiet sigh. I could see through one of the nearby windows that the sky was turning crimson from the setting sun, which meant that if I was lucky and got started, I might be able find a place to rest before nightfall. Worse case scenario, there was a cot in the Pegasus-lander, which was only marginally better than sleeping on a slab of granite.

“What are you talking about?” Pinkie Pie replied as she licked excess frosting off her lips. “It’s the middle of the afternoon. You’ve got at least five hours of this beautiful Celestia-given day to enjoy!”

“Then...why is the sky all blood red and...oh no...” It took all my willpower to keep from flying into a panic as I raced out the doors to confirm that my worst fears had come to pass. As I stood upon the landing, I was stopped dead by the sheer, overwhelming silence of the once-bustling city. Every pony had their eyes cast skywards, watching curiously as dark clouds began to churn above and bark out bolts of lightning out to the horizon. “No...no, no no, no! It’s too soon. This isn’t supposed to be happening already. They can’t be here already!”

Now despite my reaction, the priestess, who had followed me out, simply stared skywards with a quizzical look in her eyes. “You mean there’s a schedule? Maybe you should have sent out an RSVP. Sooo...who can’t be here?”

“It’s Chaosmistress Luna! She’s summoning a rift (10) in the warp from which the unholy terrors of all that is madness and chaos can spew onto this world like a tidal wave of insanity!” Perhaps I was laying the hyperbole on quite thick but one could not stress the severity of a full-blown discord uprising. As the clouds coalesced, the rift began to open in the center of the formation, an unholy red eye of terror across the sky from which the legions of Chaos began to emerge from. First came the Chaos pegasus, flying directly out of the rift and blackening the sky with their vast numbers as they spread across the city. Then came the daemons and monsters of the warp as bolts of fiery energy flew from the rift, creating smaller rifts across the city from which these monstrosities could emerge. The deafening silence had now been replaced with blown panic as the citizens began to run in all directions, their terrified shouts drowning out the blaring alarms of the city’s loudspeakers.

“I...am going to need to make a lot more cake...” the priestess muttered, apparently finally beginning to realize the severity of our situation.

“This isn’t the time for cake!” I snapped. “I need to get back to my ship and...oh sweet Celestia! Spike! I need to find Spike before it’s too late.” Hopefully, Spike was rushing back the cathedral at that very moment but the panic in the streets wasn’t going to slow him down, if not bog him down completely. And as if things were already looking pretty bleak, my eyes caught another glimmer in the sky and that was when I saw...her. It was Chaosmistress Luna without a doubt. And though she was miles away, little more than a glowing ball of light descending from the rift, her arrival sent a chill through my very soul as though the very fabric of the universe shuddered at her presence.

Then, as though she were standing before me and speaking directly into my ear, the voice of Luna herself echoed in my mind. “Hear my words, unbelievers, carried to your minds by the power of the Prince of Madness himself. He has marked this planet for his own and the Lunar Legion has come to spread His word. Our numbers shall blacken the sky; our great machines shall make the earth tremble beneath your hooves; our dark magics shall bend reality to our will. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Rejoice, unbelievers! For your slavery to the false Empress ends today!”

I thought that I had known fear or at the very least knew what fear was. That day I felt what true fear was as I watched the seemingly endless legions of Chaos flooding across Ponyville. But I knew that I could not allow the fear to take root - I had to act, if only keep my mind focused on something other than that urge to flee and panic. There was some fleeing involved, however, but for an entirely different reason as I noticed one of the fiery bolts of energy hurtling towards our position.

“Incoming!” I screamed as I shoved Pinkie back into the cathedral. The corporeal meteorite slammed into the landing, setting the stone ablaze in warpfire, and through the rift emerged a daemon of the warp. I recognized it immediately as a manticore - a mid-level daemon of Discord (11) that possessed the wings of a dragon, the body of a lion, and the tail of a scorpion. It wasn’t the first time I had encountered this particular breed of beast but it was the first time that I did so without an army of space mareines standing between me and the monstrosity. “Run Pinkie!” I shouted as I tried slamming the cathedral doors on the beast. They lasted about as long as a single-ply tissue against a runny nose as the manticore simply smashed the doors clean off their hinges. I barely had enough time to dive out of the way, let alone scramble for cover in the pews. Wooden pews, however, were an ill-advised source of cover and no sooner had I taken cover was I running for my life again as one of the doors was hurled in my direction. I decided to return fire in a similar fashion, uprooting one of the remaining intact pews and tossing it at the manticore. In retrospect, if a foot-thick door didn’t give a manticore pause, a flimsy cathedral bench wasn’t going to fair any better. The beast smashed the pew with one swipe of its paw before charging headlong towards me. Thankfully, if there was one lesson that Star Swirl had been hammered into my mind like a tent stake, it was to always have your teleportation spell at the ready.(12) I was on the other side of the room by the time the manticore went barreling through the remaining pews.

“Alright warpspawn...it’s that’s how it’s going to be, then let’s party,” I called out as I mentally braced myself for the next attack. As I had predicted, once the manticore spotted me, it charged once again at full speed. Just before it pounced, I dove to the side and hit it with the strongest sleep spell I could muster. The disorientated beast fell headlong, at full speed, right into the stone column that I had strategically positioned myself in front of. Wooden doors and furniture might have posed no threat but there was nothing like the reliability of Equestrian architecture leaving a functional pointless stone column. Unfortunately, my victory was short-lived as the manticore’s skull proved to be far more durable than I had imagined, appearing unharmed despite having nearly broken the column in half. It slowly got back to its feet, dazed but now angrier than before, which meant another blast of a sleep spell would be as effective as a lullaby. But just as the warpbeast set its eyes upon me, a cake suddenly flew in from the side, striking the manticore in the face - a pink forest gateau cake to be precise.

“Out! Out I say!” shouted Pinkie pie as she hurled another frosted payload at the creature. “I cast thee out in the name of deliciousness!”

“Pinkie, I told you to run,” I called over to her. With the manticore’s face smeared with frosting and cherries, I had the opening I needed to regroup with the priestess, who now sported a bizarre contraption upon her back. It looked like some kind of artillery but it had been painted over in pastels, adorned with flags, spinners, and streamers, and the mouth had been paint molded to resemble that of a clown’s face. “And what in the name of Celestia is that thing?”

“You said ‘let’s party’ and it’s not a proper party until I bring out my trusty party cannon,” she explained, seemingly proud of her jury-rigged invention.(13)

“This isn’t really that kind of a party.”

“That’s okay, this isn’t really that kind of a cannon.” As the manticore wiped away the last of the frosting, Pinkie Pie fired a blast from her party cannon. While the recoil launched the priestess off her hooves, the shot roared from the cannon in a shower of smoke, confetti, and streamers, detonating in a brilliant flash and a near-deafening bang. The manticore, blinded by the shot, roared and swung wildly in its frustration. One unfortunate swipe, however, hit the stone column already weakened by the previous impact, fracturing it and sending it toppling down upon the beast. When the dust settled, the warpspawn beast was rendered unconscious and pacified.

“That was...unexpected.” The rather unorthodox display of pacification tactics left me struggling for words but Pinkie Pie seemed uninterested in any kind of praise.

“It’s also great for birthdays,” she replied as she began hopping towards the open door. “Come on, let’s go find this Spike of yours!”

Normally I would have argued that this was no business for a priestess, no matter how heavily armed, to get involved in but at the moment I was horribly outnumbered and if I were to have any hope of reaching the Relic of Harmony, still stowed away in my ship, I would need every bit of help I could get. The situation outside was rapidly deteriorating as scores of mad ponies began pushing through the streets. The sound of lazefire and cake cannons in the distance at least reassured me that the Equestrian Guards were responding to the situation but with the rift still open and more Chaos ponies arriving every minute, it was only a matter of time before the Apple Guard were overwhelmed by weight of numbers. My only hope, the planet's only hope, was in me getting back to my ship and using the Relic of Harmony to stop Luna. That planned hinged on me not only accomplishing that which no other pony had done since the time of the Luna Heresy but also standing in the presence of Chaosmistress Luna for more than ten seconds without being reduced to a wallowing mess of babbling lunacy. I always had a tendency to set high expectations for myself but I had outdone myself that day.

"We need to get to the observatory," I explained as we hurried down the stairs. Unfortunately, a pair of ponies emerging from a chapel of the Empress caught the attention of every Chaos-worshipping pony in the vicinity. They were already amassing at the bottom of the stairs, their madness-filled eyes fixated on us, along with their assortment of lazeguns and cupcake stubbers.(14) "Well Pinkie, looks like this party just got a whole lot bigger." The odds were stacked heavily in their favour but it took more than a twenty-to-one odds to discourage me, especially when I had a pink-maned artillery piece at my side.

“Praise Celestia and party on!” she cried out, firing a volley at the heretical ponies. With our opponents sufficiently blinded and disorientated, I had time to charge up a powerful sleep spell. It was a risky move, however, as sleep spells were rarely used on such a wide scale and I ran the risk of being knocked out as well, either by the spell backfiring or sheer exhaustion. Thankfully, weak-minded heretics don’t take as much energy to lull to sleep so I was able to put the forty or so ponies to bed without joining their ranks. But only just barely and trying to trot down a set of stairs while half-awake was an equally daunting challenge. I almost managed to make it all the way down the stairs but unfortunately almost only counted with horseshoes and grenades and I unceremoniously face-planted into the sidewalk before the last few steps. “Come on Twilight,” Pinkie Pie encouraged as she lent me a helping hoof, “this is no time for napping. Nap time comes after party time.”

“You’re right...this is no time for resting,” I said groggily. However, even if I had wanted to rest, there were another dozen heretical ponies who had no interest in letting me do so. They stretched across the width of the street, barring our path. “Okay...going to need a new plan,” I murmured as the next horde of heretics closed in on us. I was still a bit winded from my last spell but I was prepared to take the risk.

By the Empress’ grace, however, that didn’t need to come to pass. “Friendship from the skies!” a familiar voice shouted overhead just seconds a blue-armoured pony crashed into the streets between myself and the heretics. It was an Ultrapony space mareine and, judging by the rainbow-coloured plume on the helmet, it was none other than Rainbow Dash. “Feel the love of the Empress, heretics!” she bellowed as she drew her pistol and started firing into the crowd. The Chaos ponies tried to return fire but their lazeguns and cupcakes were no match for the hate-enduring might of Dash’s power barding. Her shots burst into clouds of potent laughing gas amongst the heretics, causing them to double over in fits of uncontrollable laughter until sheer exhaustion rendered them pacified and silent.(15) With the enemies pacified, Dash holstered her weapon and turned to Pinkie and I. “Now that is how you make an entrance!” she exclaimed boastfully. “Swooping in right in the nick of time and then ‘bam bam bam!’ Down go the heretics! Be sure to let the Wonderbolts know about this moment when you tell them about me.”

Sweet Celestia, I prayed that Dash hadn’t flown all the way across town just to safeguard her hopes of becoming a Wonderbolt. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate the timely rescue but most ponies would have at least been a bit more tact about their reasons. “Shouldn’t you be with your fellow mareines?”

“Actually Commissar Applejack asked me to find you and take you to her,” she explained. “She said it couldn’t have been a coincidence that you showed up just before all this madness broke out so if anypony had an idea how to stop this, it’d be you. Please tell me you have a plan. As awesome as I am, I can’t pacify an entire planet on my own...well, maybe I could but that’s a lot of work.”

“Well we need to find my assistant first. He should be somewhere near the observatory with Private Fluttershy.”

“Then let’s hurry, Applejack can’t wait forever.”

“Hold on,” Pinkie Pie interrupted just as Dash was about to take off. “You forgot one of your grenades.”

“No I didn’t,” Dash insisted despite the fact that Pinkie Pie was directing our attention to the grenade on the ground between us. “I have a little display in my helmet that tells me how many grenades I have left. Obviously this is somepony else’s...oh ponyfeathers...”

In retrospect, we should have realized a lot sooner that somepony had thrown a grenade at us.

Footnotes:
1) Unfortunately, Twilight vastly over-estimates what the other members of the Inquisition thought of her. At this stage in her career, she was barely even known within her own circle of Inquisitors. She was ‘that purple one that lives in the librarium.
2) Most tech-ponies have sleep regulator chips, which allow the organic parts of their mind to sleep while the mechanical components take over conscious function. It’s kind of like controlled sleep-walking.
3) Of course I knew, it was my job to know. A job made easier by the fact that Twilight can’t hide her stress at all. There’s a twitch she has when she gets stressed.
4) Recovered dragon technology suggests that dragons are ‘taught’ even during gestation, hence why I could speak dragis without ever having met a dragon before.
5) That has something to do with a dragon’s incredible regenerative capabilities and unfamiliarity with our physiology. I am, to date, the only dragon the Equestrium has had long-term contact with. And I wasn’t about to let them start probing me.
6) Typically, it takes twenty or more years to reach the rank of Head Priestess. Pinkie Pie’s eccentricities ensured that no other priest wanted to be around her and her popularity made her impossible to replace. Thus, she earned the position by default.
7) It really is patented. And it was declared Ponyville’s official dessert in M42.123 after being credited with ending the Nanosprite Crisis.
8) Known as Enginseers, these types of tech-ponies are assigned to Equestrian Guard regiments to help maintain their vehicles and equipment. They are usually considered the most ‘normal’ of the Adeptus Mechanicolt.
9) Inquisitors are responsible for their own finances so it’s technically not unlimited. However, being able to seize any and all property as needed makes accumulating wealth very easy. Why do you think so many Inquisitors have gold-plated barding?
10) Typically, to breach the veil into reality, a summoning ceremony is required on our side of the warp. The star cluster alignment that Twilight was worried about, however, weakened the veil enough for Luna to create a rift on her own.
11) Daemons come in five different flavours, four of which represent the different aspects of Discord - madness, power, hate, and greed. The fifth type, such as a manticore, represent Discord as a whole.
12) The other two essential components to any successful Inquisitor, according to Star Swirl, were a loaded lazepistol and a thermos of tea.
13) We’re still not sure how it worked without blowing up in her face. It’s now considered a holy relic of the Ecclesiarchy.
14) Slang term for any primitive, food-throwing form of weaponry.
15) Standard space mareine sidearm is the Colt-Pattern Jokester pistol, which fires a shot containing a potent compound made of laughing gas, endorphins, and sedatives.

The Dawn of Friendship: Part Four

The Dawn of Friendship
Part Four

“We may be few, and our enemies many. Yet so long as there remains one of us who still fights, still loves in the name of harmony and generosity, then the galaxy shall yet know hope.”-Captain Blackmane of the Space Tersks chapter

The space mareines of the Adeptus Astartes represented one of the highest echelons of courage and harmony that any mare could aspire to become. The alicorn Regal Horn,(1) Primare of the Imperial Hooves space mareines, once said during the Great Crusade, ‘give me a hundred space mareines. Or failing that, a thousand Guardponies.’ Clad in armour that can withstand any hate and armed with weapons that could quell a tempest, they were the greatest peace-keeping force in the galaxy, sent to pacify worlds that had been consumed by hate and violence. But in the opinion of this Inquisitor, it was not the arms or armour that made the space mareins such a force to be reckoned with but their selfless devotion and loyalty to friendship and duty. A friend stands with you even as you gaze in abject horror at the grenade ready to explode in your face but a loyal friend dives headlong and smothers the grenade with their body. And that is exactly what the pegasus did even though she could have easily flown off with plenty of time to spare. Having instinctively slammed my eyes shut in anticipation of the impending pony-mess, I did not notice Dash’s act of selflessness until I heard the muffled ‘thud’ and opened my eyes to discover that I was still standing, completely untouched.

“Oh my goodness! Dash!” I shouted when I saw the blue-armoured pegasus laying face-down in a giant puddle of red goo. “Dash! Say something!”

There was no movement of any kind from the mareine. She simply laid on the street, her armour having absorbed the full force of the bomb. But then I heard a faint groan, followed by, “This...is going to take forever to scrape off...”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she insisted, although with a hint of exasperation in her voice. “It was just a glue bomb.”

“You could have flown away Dash, why did you do that?” I asked. Few ponies had ever gone to such lengths on my behalf before, at least not without me ordering them to do so first and most were usually quite begrudging about it. I was surprised to say the least.

“Have you ever seen a pony after a glue-removal procedure? It ain’t pretty,”(2) Dash said jokingly before trying to free herself from her sticky situation. She grunted and groaned as she pushed with all her strength but even with the added boost from her power barding, the powerful adhesive simply stretched and then pulled her back in. “Besides, we’re friends, right? And friends don’t leave friends hanging,” she continued in a clear attempt to mask her frustration. Once more the mareine attempted to push herself free, even using her wings to try and generate extra lift. And for a brief instant, she managed to get her entire body off the ground before the adhesive snapped back in like an elastic, slamming her hard into the road. “Heh...uh, speaking of not leaving friends hanging, I don’t suppose I could get a helping hoof here?”

Pinkie Pie, quick to help any pony in need, had to be stopped before she reached in and inadvertently made things worse. “Don’t touch her!” I quickly shouted as I pulled the priestess back. “That’s military-grade glue we’re dealing with. You so much as touch any of it and you’ll be in just as big a jam as she is.” No sooner had I uttered those words did I learn of the foolishness of using homonyms for sweets around Pinkie Pie. Now she seemed intent on licking the space mareine free and were I second later in grabbing the priestess by the tail, she would have become permanently and awkwardly adhered to Dash’s backside.

“Can’t you just use your magic horn thingie and conjure me free?” Dash spoke up as she grew increasingly impatient. I ignored my instinctual urge to explain to Dash that I couldn’t just ‘conjure’ her out but explaining those intricacies of magic to a pegasus would have been as useful as trying to explain dining etiquette to a buffalork. I decided to give it a shot regardless as there was no harm in trying, at least not to me. Rainbow Dash once more put all her strength into trying to push free while I helped by pulling with my magic. The results were even more spectacular a failure than her previous; the recoiling adhesive slammed her into the road with enough force to crack the concrete and send a quake up through my horseshoes. I could instinctively winced in sympathy. “Ow...” she groaned. “Twilight...can’t you just teleport me free of this stuff?”

“Teleport? Are you nuts? You’d be completely unprotected if I tried to transport you through the warp. Even if it was just for a second, you’d likely be driven completely insane from being exposed to that amount of chaotic energy!”(3)

“Nevermind,” she grumbled in response. “You could have just said no, by the way.”

The situation was growing worse by the minute. Every moment I spent trying to help the space mareine was another minute that I couldn’t spend trying to save Ponyville. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, abandoning Rainbow Dash was slowly becoming the only realistic option I had available. On the other hoof, being responsible for the mess that she was in made it impossible to leave her without a tearing a giant hole of guilt through my conscience. My training in magic revolved primarily around manipulations of the physical world, alterations in mental energies, and conjurations of the warp; what Dash needed was something more destructive than what was permitted by Equestrial law.(4) But ponykind had always striven forward under the guidance of both magic and science. When my magic failed, technology was ready to provide in the form of an all-too-familiar figure - a pony whose arrival I greeted with mixed relief and anxiety.

“I see it’s taken you all of five minutes to get into another mess that I must now fix,” remarked the tech-pony, Rarity, as she trotted past the unconscious bodies of several heretics. “I swear by the cogs of Celestia I can’t take my oculars off you for five seconds.”

“Well if you had been here a moment ago, you would have seen me totally save the Inquisitor’s hindquarter,” Dash replied defensively. “And it was just in the nick of time too so it was a good thing I flew off ahead like the little dragon said.”

My ears piqued at the mention of my assistant. I had already been hopeful that Rarity’s presence meant that Spike was close by as it couldn’t have been a mere coincidence that the tech-pony came this direction during the middle of a Chaos invasion. Alas, I saw no sign of my purple compatriot, nor the pink-maned private, or our forty-tonne tank. I promptly demanded an explanation as to my assistant’s whereabouts.

“Private Pansy decided to freak out and bolt the other direction,” Rainbow Dash scoffed, obviously referring to the fearful Private Fluttershy. “Spike told us to go on ahead and then took off after her.” I explained to the space mareine that I was not about to abandon my assistant and that our next course of action was to find him and Fluttershy. Dash, however, had an objection to that plan. “Hold on a second, the Commissar told me to bring you to her and that’s exactly what I intend to do. We don’t have time to be chasing after your little friend and a scaredy-cat guardpony.”

“Your bargaining position is rather dubious Miss Dash,” I explained to her as politely as I could. “We’re going to find Spike and Fluttershy and you are going to help...or you can stay there glued to the pavement. Your choice space mareine.” I had no real intention of blackmailing her but this option was far easier than trying to convince her after we had freed her. The only way I was going back to Applejack with the space mareine was if she did so by hauling my limp, unconscious body all the way back to the fort and, given her impulsive nature, I wasn’t prepared to rule that possibility out.

Thankfully, Rainbow Dash made the right decision, letting out a heavy sigh as she acquiesced. “Okay, okay...I’ll help you find them. Just cut me out of here!” But freeing the space mareine was not as simple as a quick run with a circular saw, as Rarity was quick to explain (despite nopony asking for one). Cutting Dash free would accomplish nothing as the residue left over on the barding would simply stick to the next thing that she came into contact with. The quickest solution was to simply remove Dash from her barding altogether, a prospect that she was none too fond of either. “You can’t take off my barding! I’ll be like...totally naked without it!”

I sighed once again at the pegasus’ stubbornness. I didn’t have time to argue with her so I simply put the issue to a vote. “Well, if anypony has an objection to Rarity’s plan, please raise your hoof now.” To no surprise, none of the other ponies in the group seemed to object, including Dash despite her best efforts. “Excellent, then we’re all in agreement,” I concluded smugly.

Pinkie Pie and I stepped back to give the tech-pony room to work. Taking off power barding wasn’t as simple as slipping out of a flak vest - it required an array of tools and a lot of technical know-how. The tech-pony’s extra mechanical limbs sprang to life, swarming across the space mareine as it pried and ratcheted away at the armoured suit. Even with the proper tools and instructions I doubt I would have been able to come anywhere close to the tech-pony’s speed and precision. I still had trouble field-stripping a lazepistol, never mind tearing away at advanced pieces of technology as though I were disassembling a bookcase. Within ten minutes, Rarity had taken apart the entire suit of power barding, revealing the blue pegasus that had been housed within (save for her head, which was still inside her helmet). Any sense of animosity spurned by our earlier disagreements disappeared when the pegasus, with a single stroke of her wings, pulled free from the last of her barding.

“Thank Celestia, I thought I was going to be stuck there forever,” Rainbow Dash said with a sigh of relief. The pony actually responsible for the rescue, however, took offense to the lack of gratitude and promptly displayed her distaste with a tug on the pegasus’ tail. “Oh...right, and you too, Rarity,” she added before muttering under her breath, “I still feel naked without my armour...”

“Here ya go then!” Pinkie Pie suddenly interjected. She slipped off her pendant and, like in a game of horseshoes, tossed it onto Dash’s neck. “Now you’re not naked anymore. Just don’t lose it - it’s my super lucky pendant!”

With our pegasus back in the air, I was finally free to continue searching for my assistant, whose ever-increasing absence was causing me greater worry. By twisted fortune, the fighting in the streets had coalesced around the pockets of resistance. With the Chaos ponies drawn to where the fighting was thickest, the remainder of the city streets had become almost devoid of life - an eerie sight to behold considering that only a few short hours ago it was a sea of joyful, care-free ponies. We made good speed towards the observatory, encountering only a handful of heretical ponies along the way, none of whom offered much resistance against Pinkie’s party cannon. Unfortunately, while the streets on route to the observatory had been relatively quiet, our destination had been the epicenter of a prolonged skirmish. The unconscious bodies of scores of ponies, both heretic and tech-pony alike, were scattered across the steps leading to the observatory. The tech-ponies had put up a staunch defense but even when supported by the towering machinations of their sentinel ponies,(5) they were eventually overtaken by numbers.

“Oh! My precious sentinels,” Rarity whimpered upon seeing the broken remains of her mechanical creations. She immediately raced over to the nearest wreck and instinctively began assessing the damage. “Oh what have they done to you? Your beautiful chassis is ruined. Ruined!”

“Rarity, we’re looking for Spike and Fluttershy, not tending to your robots,” I reminded her.

“Right...of course,” she acknowledged reluctantly. “M-maybe I can access the audio-visual logs in the data core and see if there’s any indication of where your friend went.” While Rarity went to work, Pinkie and I surveyed the area for any other signs of Spike’s whereabouts. It was a mixed blessing that I found no sign of Fluttershy or Spike, which meant that at the very least they managed to get away from the fighting. We managed to find the tank parked a short distance away but devoid of any pegasus or dragon. It was beginning to look like I had accomplished nothing but give Luna more time to conquer the planet when Rarity came back with good news. “It would appear that your Private Pansy flew to the southwest.”

“Her name is Fluttershy,” I corrected.

“Whatever. I suggest we hurry if we wish to find your friend.”

“Any pony know how to drive a tank?” I doubt it was a difficult task in any respect but since time was of the essence, I would rather avoid having to learn on the fly. The first pony to volunteer was the priestess, who didn’t even wait for me to agree before clambering into the driver’s seat. Since most priestess also didn’t keep artillery pieces in their closets, I had given up on assuming that there was anything conventional about Pinkie and simply took my place with Rarity behind the red hare’s main gun.

“Are you sure this is a wise idea?” Rarity whispered.

“Not really...but the unwise decisions seem to be having more luck as of late,” I replied as I braced myself just in time to keep from being thrown back by the sudden acceleration. Pinkie’s driving was as erratic as I had anticipated and without any civilians, the tank ploughed through the streets with complete disregard. Since we were making good speed I wasn’t going to complain about her reckless driving or the considerable amount of property damage she was accruing as the tank smashed its way past abandoned cars.

After a few minutes drive, we caught our first break. “Hey Twilight,” came Rainbow’s voice from overhead. “I saw our pegasus flying into the Carousel complex...but she’s being chased by Chaos mareines.”

‘Chaos mareines’ were two words that no Inquisitor liked to hear, being only slightly less welcomed than ‘friendly fire.’ Even in the best of situations, a Chaos mareine still made things ten times worse; between their unbridled rage, their madness, and power barding, they typically required a small army just to pacify. All I had at my disposal was an easily distracted tech-pony, a priestess of questionable sanity, and an armour-less space mareine armed only with harsh language. Needless to say, my roving band of the Empress’ compassion was barely suitable to pacify an unruly foal, much less hardened mareines. I might as well have gone in armed with a strongly worded letter. To make matters worse, the Carousel complex was a large residential building, which meant I was invariably going to wind up opening a door and coming face-to-face with a world of indescribable pain in the form of a power hoof. The tank was the only thing we had in our arsenal that could have potentially dealt with a Chaos mareine and even then the best weapon was to hitting them with the front fender. And to top off my pint of problems, I had yet to ever personally encounter a Chaos mareine on the field. The only things I had in my arsenal were a lazepistol and the anti-Chaos mareines stratagem taught to me by my mentor, lesson number thirty-two: ‘hit them with the biggest thing you can find.’ It wasn’t exactly Sun Shoe’s Art of Negotiation-style tactics but it had apparently served my mentor well in his years. Oddly enough, that was also his advice for dealing with stubborn bureaucrats.(6)

“Why would Chaos mareines be chasing around a lone private?” Rarity wondered aloud as we drove towards the Carousel complex.

“If Chaos ponies exercised reason, we wouldn’t have any Chaos ponies,” I replied. As callous as it may sound, saving the private was only a means to locating my assistant. Had I the option, I would have gladly left Fluttershy in their care; perhaps she could have entertained them with her theories on Eldeer linguistics and heraldry. We were only a few minutes out from our destination when Rainbow Dash suddenly demanded we pull over, even going so far as to fly in front of the tank to force us to a halt. I was about to berate our pegasus scout for the delay but the reason for our detour became immediately apparent. A short distance up the road, collapsed through the side of a small storehouse, was a downed trojan - the mechanical pacification walkers deployed by the space mareines. The ancient, armoured frame of the mechanical pony was speckled with the remnants of muffins and heavy cake shots and its body bore the deep gouges of the teeth of a power jaw. And yet, despite its condition, stumbling upon the trojan was a huge blessing for us.

“That’s Lyra’s trojan,” Dash explained quickly before flying over to the incapacitated machine. “Hey Lyra! Are you still in there? Can you hear me?”

“Is that you...Rainbow Dash?” a slow, soft voice echoed from deep within the machination, almost like the fading echoes of a ghost or an old memory. “I...cannot see, my sister. It is...so very dark...”

“It’s going to be okay Lyra, help is here,”(7) Dash reassured her. “Rarity! Get over here now!”

Judging by the lack of motion from the trojan, it was a safe guess that the machine was barely functioning, which did not bode well for the space mareine sealed within. But Rarity was already half-way to the trojan by the time Dash had called out for her as any machine in suffering was reason enough for the tech-pony to jump into action. “Move aside mareine and let me work,” Rarity insisted as she began to assess the level of damage. “Oh, you poor, poor dear. Whatever happened to you?”

“Chaos...mareines...” the trojan replied. “Too many to contain...and then...Chaos trojan. Be wary...they have turned the Carousel complex...into a stronghold...”

As if I didn’t have enough on my plate already, now I had the prospect of even more Chaos mareines waiting ahead for us. I was half-tempted to send Dash ahead to continue scouting in the hopes that Fluttershy and Spike would be smart enough to steer clear of the heretic-infested complex but she was far too preoccupied with her space mareine compatriot.

“How bad is it?” asked the concerned pegasus.

“Not very good I’m afraid,” Rarity replied with a light sigh. “I can restore the secondary power supplies and bypass the damaged relays. And with any luck I should be able to patch up the leaking hydraulics and restore oil pressure, if only just barely. That, however, doesn’t solve the problem with the phase interlock systems...” The tech-pony continued on for a bit longer but she fell into technical jargon that even flew over my well-educated head. To surmise, she could stabilize the core systems but the damage was so extensive that even restoring basic function to the trojan might be beyond her ‘insurmountable’ abilities.

“Leave me...it is too dangerous...to linger,” the trojan insisted. “I shall not...have others suffer...on my account...”

“And leave you with those barbarians?” the tech-pony scoffed. “Those brutes defile everything they touch and I shall not let them ruin this beautiful body of yours.” The very thought of Chaos ponies getting their hooves upon a machine as ancient as a trojan gave Rarity a renewed sense of purpose as she re-doubled her efforts. “If I can just find a replacement for this differential then I can...ah-ha! I’ve got it!” she exclaimed joyfully. “Oh Rarity, dare I say but you are absolutely brilliant.” In a surprising move, Rarity suddenly tore one of her front legs clean off and began stripping it down for parts, all while singing, “Oh the leg hinge is connected to the lug nut, the compression spring is connected to the solenoid...”

“Rarity are you...are you sure this is a good idea?” I interrupted, taken back by the tech-pony’s sudden altruism. “Are you going to be okay without a leg?”

“Oh...I’ll manage,” she answered with a light sigh as she gazed at the now empty socket. “I’ll just have to build another when I get back to my workshop. Besides, without it, this poor trojan will be helpless.” After a few more minutes of tinkering, she finally stepped back, very carefully and with the support of her mechadendrites, and the trojan began to stir back to life. First it was just the head, the eyes lighting up and the jaw opening wide as though it were breathing in new life; next came to the newly repaired front legs, which cautiously scratched at the ground before Lyra trusted the repair job enough to dig them into the concrete; and lastly, the trojan pushed herself up onto all four, nearly knocking over what remained of the building she had been lodged within. “My thanks to you...tech-pony. Once again...I may serve the Empress’ will...” Lyra spoke, her voice now resonating from the machination.

Not one to look a gift pony in the mouth, I stepped forward and put on my best ‘listen to me because I’m the Inquisitor’ face. “Trojan, your compassion and friendship are needed once more. Her Majesty’s Inquisition calls upon you to serve.” I had to lay on the formalities quite heavily despite my usual pragmatic nature but it helped stress the importance of my request, not to mention it adhered to one of the prime tenants of my mentor - always sound as though you know what you’re doing even when you’re clueless.

“Then my hooves...are yours to command...”

Now that I had a trojan at my disposal, taking on the Carousel complex suddenly looked like a possibility.

“So...on a scale of one to ten, how bad does it look?” Dash asked as she hovered incessantly overly my shoulder. As our tech-pony was now a cripple and tanks were the opposite of subtle, I had opted to have Pinkie Pie and Rarity on stand-by with the red hare a few blocks away in the event that we needed to make a hasty escape. And given what I saw through my binoculars, a hasty exit was as good an exit strategy as any other. The Carousel complex was a major residential spire, towering upwards at least twenty floors or more and likely extended downwards in the same direction. Part of me could understand why Fluttershy had chosen it as a sanctuary - there were enough floors, twisted corridors, and backrooms to lose an entire battalion in. I wasn’t entirely certain if such buildings were designed by a cross-eyed architecture or were some kind of ‘rat in a maze’ social experiment. Sergeant Gutterbug of the 171st Trottington Sentinels was credited with pacifying an entire horde of buffalork by simply leading them through the twisting corridors of a hundred-story spire before simply flying out of the upper floor windows to freedom. The buffalork eventually got so lost that they decided to just set up camp inside the spire and to this day they are said to still be roaming the halls, looking for an exit.

“I’d say about a six-point-five,” I answered after a second sweep with my binoculars. Dash and I had been spending the past few minutes scouting out the Carousel complex, primarily in the hopes that we would find something I could use as an excuse to bypass the area altogether. Dealing with a stronghold with Celestia knows how many Chaos mareines inside was an obstacle I’d rather solve with an orbital friendship laser. My plan was to sneak past the Chaos mareines with the aid of my magic, find Fluttershy, and then use Lyra as a distraction while we made our escape. However, instead of finding an excuse to leave, I only found proof that we were where we needed to be. “Scratch that...I see Spike,” I reported as I spotted my purple-scaled assistant skulking through the complex’s patio garden. “He’s...actually trying to sneak inside.”

“Past Chaos mareines? No way he’ll make it.”

Despite my normal level of confidence in Spike’s abilities, I had to admit that Dash was probably right. But unless I was prepared to charge across the open street and courtyard, past the dozen or so Chaos mareines wandering the streets, I had no way of telling Spike how crazy his plan was. I kept watching, if only out of morbid curiosity, as Spike dove into the shrubs to avoid a passing mareine guard. “He is so in over his head...” I muttered in dismay. But just as the mareine passed him, Spike suddenly leapt forth, tackling the mareine to the ground and shoving his lazepistol into the small unarmoured gap just beneath the mareine’s helmet.

“Did...he just...”

“Y-yeah. He...he did,” I managed to stammer in response. Spike didn’t just take down a Chaos mareine but he made it look easy. As I stared on in awe-struck silence, Spike continued his one-dragon assault on Carousel complex. A few seconds after he disappeared into the building, the echos of gunfire and exploding glue bombs rang forth.

“You didn’t mention Spike was some kind of commando dragon.”

“He isn’t...at least I’m pretty sure he isn’t. It must be some of his dragon instincts kicking in.”(8) Just then, a blast from the complex made the earth shake, accompanied by one of the window belching out a massive column of green flame. “M-maybe we should get moving and help him.” If there had been any hope of a silent approach, they had incinerated in a puff of smoke thanks to my gung-ho assistant. Dash and I raced back to street level where Lyra was trying her best to remain hidden, although I hadn’t the heart to tell her that she was still painfully visible behind the overturned truck she was using. Though I was reluctant to do so, a direct approach was the now only option at this point. I had always considered direct assaults to be the refuge of the tactically-challenged - the order sent forth when you cannot admit openly that you have exhausted your mental faculties. Though a lot of Inquisitors seemed to favour this approach, I prescribed to the school of thought that stressed the importance of not letting the opposition know when and where you were approaching from and giving them ample time to prepare a proper welcoming. “Lyra, I need you to keep the mareines distracted for us. Run up there and make as much of a mess as possible.”

“They shall feel...the Empress’ loving embrace!” the trojan acknowledged. The ground shook as the giant machination galloped down the streets towards the complex, it’s flank-mounted jokester cannon firing indiscriminately. For a brief moment, I almost felt bad for the Chaos mareines...almost.

While Lyra kept the mareines busy, Dash and I slipped into the complex undetected. Finding Spike wasn’t a difficult task as we were simply able to follow the trail of glued or unconscious ponies that lined the narrow halls. I had to admit, Spike definitely knew how to storm a building.

“Any idea where our Private Pansy is?” Dash asked as she helped herself to one of the Chaos mareine’s weapons.

“I might be able to track their life force. Keep me covered,” I answered. Using magic to track a known entity was a common tactic in the Inquisition although my spell was still quite limited in its range and power. I could focus on a life force so long as I had met them beforehand and was familiar with their particular bio-energy signature. It was like trying to recognize a voice in a crowd - the closer and more familiar I was with the target, the easier it would be to pick him out from the dozens of other interfering life forces. I focused my thoughts inward, listening to the magical energies of life that pulsed around me. Each one was like a beating heart and it was just a matter of finding the narrowing my focus onto the right one. Thanks to the limited number of interfering signals and the fact that a dragon’s life force was markedly different from a pony’s, it was extremely easy to pinpoint my assistant’s location. “Found him. Follow me!”

By some strange miracle, Spike was still on the ground floor. Perhaps Fluttershy had not been as successful in eluding her pursuers as I had originally hoped. Then again, she probably hadn’t expected her sanctuary to have already been commandeered by the very ponies she was fleeing from.

“He should be just through here,” I said as we approached a door at the far end of the corridor. For a brief moment, things were starting to look up and I was surprised at how easy this had become. But like every time I seemed to get my hopes up, the galaxy found a way to smack me back to the cold, hard earth of reality. The moment I had finished prying the door open, I was greeted with a double-power hoof to the face, knocking my senses off into the stratosphere. When I came to, I was being dragged through a peculiar pony-shaped hole in the wall with the sound of indecipherable chatter around me.

“Can you hear me?” a voice called out to me, though I was still far too dazed to discern the source.

“You’ll...never get the secrets...of Coltana from me...” I murmured in response. I’m not entirely certain what was going through my mind at that moment, aside from an indescribable amount of pain.

“Snap out of it Twilight!” a more familiar voice barked into my ear. It was Spike - there was no mistaking the sound or the smell. Slowly, the world came back into view and I saw Dash, Spike, and Fluttershy standing over me. “Come on, you have to wake up.”

“Wha...what happened?” I groaned.

“Private Pansy somehow mistook you for a Chaos mareine,” Dash explained. “Kicked ya straight across the room and then some.”

“I’m so very, very sorry Miss Inquisitor...” the private apologize profusely. “Spike told me to wear these things and...I, I guess I don’t know my own strength...” she explained as she lifted one of the power hooves for me to see. Since such equipment wasn’t standard issue for the Equestrian Guard, she had no doubt borrowed them from a Chaos pony, which would also explain why the words ‘face here’ was inscribed upon it with an arrow pointing towards the business end. The fact that she was normally as strong as a wet towel was probably the only reason I was able to get up so soon and still had all my teeth accounted for.(9) “Please don’t banish me to a Penal Legion.”

“Let’s just get out of here, okay?” I groaned, still rubbing the sore spot on the side of my head.

“That...might be a bit more difficult,” Spike interrupted as he directed our attention to a door on the far side of the room. More specifically, he was directing our attention at the trio of Chaos mareines that were now standing down range from us. As is her nature, Dash immediately sprang into action, flying towards the Chaos mareines with such blinding speed that she was able to crash-tackle one of them, carry her out the room and through several walls before the other mareines even realized there was a sudden draft in the room. That, unfortunately, still left us with two very angry ponies to contend with. We dove for what cover we could and I managed to find refuge behind a concrete pillar.

“Fluttershy,” I called out to the private taking cover behind an overturned table. “Spike and I will draw their fire - you fly up and take them out with the power hooves.” The hit to my head must have done more damage than I had initially thought if I had considered Fluttershy fighting to be a viable strategy. The guardpony had gone completely catatonic once the gunfire had started - she was now about as useful in a firefight as porcelain vase. I let out an exasperated sigh and decided that I needed to take matters into my own hooves. I had a pounding headache and the gunfire wasn’t making it any easier to cope with. With my magic, I tipped the paralyzed pony onto her side and slipped off the power hooves. Being a unicorn, going hoof-to-hoof against other ponies wasn’t my first choice for conflict resolution, or even in the top ten, but Chaos mareines had thick skulls and it took some forceful persuasion to calm them down. Once I had the bulky, hock-length boots on, I teleported myself right next to the Chaos mareines. “Hello ladies,” I quipped before giving the closest mareine both hooves. With an bone-shaking clang, the mareine was sent hurtling into the second and subsequently knocking both of them into the wall. Chances were, the most I did was annoy them but I had bought myself a few precious moments. “Pinkie Pie, bring the red hare in. We need to get out of here quickly,” I voxxed back to the awaiting priestess.

“Okie dokie lokie!” my vox box crackled in response.

“Good, now we just need to hold tight and wait for our ride out of-” my words were promptly interrupted when I noticed a rainbow-coloured blur out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t even have time to react before Rainbow Dash crashed into me. Our tangled mess bounced several times across the room before finally coming to a halt by crashing into Fluttershy.

“Ugh...incoming...” Dash groaned.

“Thanks for the heads up,” I murmured in response as I pulled myself out from under the pile of ponies. Marching back into the room was the third Chaos mareine, unarmed but still fully capable of kicking our hindquarters with her bare hooves. Spike tried holding the mareine off but she charged headlong through the barrage of jokester rounds and knocked my assistant to the ground.

“Ha! Foolish ponies. Where is your Empress now, hm?” the mareine boasted with a demented laugh.

At first, the situation looked rather grim but a flash of movement through the window beyond the mareine reassured me that the Empress always protected the faithful. “I’d say about...ten feet behind you,” I quipped just seconds before Lyra came crashing through the wall behind the mareine.

“Who wants a hug?” the trojan bellowed before seizing the mareine in her power jaw. The mareine shrieked and wailed in vain as the trojan proceeded to smash her repeatedly against the ground, the walls, the ceiling, and basically anything else solid, before finally pitching her across the room.

“Your timing is impeccable Lyra,” I thanked the trojan. “Come on, it’s time to leave.” A moment later, Pinkie Pie rolled up in the red hare and we loaded the still catatonic private into the back. We were almost in the clear when we heard something heavy bounding up the road and since Lyra was standing idle next to the tank, there were no prizes in guessing who had decided to show up and make our world miserable. All our fighting had given the Chaos mareines in the area the impression that a large scale attack was going on and arrived in force to block our escape. Standing alongside a half-dozen mareines was a towering trojan of their own,(10) a twisted machination of malice and spite, adorned from muzzle to dock with spikes and weapons. The Chaos trojan wasted no time in taking the fight to us, barreling head-long at Lyra ramming her straight through the side of the building. Given the huge disadvantage and the fact our only anti-armour weapon was now lodged half-way through a building, there was only one logical order to give, “Get us out of here Pinkie!”

Our best bet was to just drive as fast as possible past the Chaos trojan but as the tank accelerated, it opened its maw and belched forth a wall of orange mist in front of us. There was no possibility of stopping in time so Pinkie just plowed through the haze, which was nothing short of a complete disaster. The orange mist began to corrode the tank, rusting and eating away at every bit of metal on it. Within seconds, the once proud machine was a rusted heap, the treads screeching loudly as they turned until finally there came an unsettling bang from the engine and the entire vehicle seized up. “What do we do now?” Spike shouted as the passenger compartment was enveloped in smoke.

“This is horrible!” Rarity shouted. At first I thought she was just pointing out the painfully obvious but as she began to shriek in distress, I realized that it wasn’t the tank that was alarming her. For, just like the metal in the tank, Rarity’s mechanical limbs began to rust and corrode from the Chaos trojan’s weapon. “Not my beautiful legs! Anything but that!” she cried out. While everypony else in the tank was bailing out, Rarity was bawling her eyes out...well, the one that still had a tear duct.

“Come on Rarity, we need to move,” I said as I tugged on her tail.

“But...but...my leeeeegs! She ruined them! They used to be beautiful...now I’m a monster!” As the Chaos trojan began to approach our ruined tank, Rarity’s distress turned into rage that burned with a hatred so pure it was almost holy. “By the thousand pistons of the Golden Throne, you will pay for this insult! Twilight - throw me!”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I said throw me! Quickly, before my circuit explode in seething fury!” As it appeared that Rarity was about to explode upon whoever was unfortunate enough to be standing close by, I decided to go with the plan and ensure that the trojan was the focus of her frustrations. I magically lifted the tech-pony and gave her a toss in the trojan’s direction. Even in a semi-rusted state, Rarity was able to latch onto the trojan’s head and her mechadendrites began scouring the machine even the slightest weaknesses in its armour. “Let’s see how tough you are when I start unbolting these,” she growled before detaching the trojan’s flank-mounted weapons. The trojan tried in vain to buck the tech-pony off but within seconds Rarity had control over the trojan’s motor functions. “Now let’s see...you can do without these. And this. Oh let’s not forget these...ahh, and these looks rather important. Opps, did I just disconnect your main coolant line? How clumsy of me! And do you mind if I borrow these differentials? I could certainly use them to repair my sentinels.” By the time the other Chaos mareines what was going and began firing on Rarity, almost half of the trojan now laid dismantled across the ground. With her rage sated and jokester rounds peppering the trojan, Rarity dove off from and hurried, quite noisily thanks to her rusted joints, to join Pinkie and the others.

I, however, held my ground before the trojan. Without our vehicle, the remaining Chaos mareines needed to be dealt with if we were to make any kind escape. The trojan howled and wailed in frustration, focusing its anger upon me as it attempted to seize me in its power jaw. But as I was still equipped with the power hooves, I knocked back its attempt with a swift blow to the chin. As its rage intensified, its attacks became more erratic and it swung wildly at me with its hooves. Between its unfocused anger and all the tampering done by Rarity, the trojan couldn’t have hit the road if it tripped and fell, let alone a tiny, fast-moving pony such as myself. As I dodged its clumsy attacks, I grabbed the largest piece of the trojan that had been dismantled, which just so happened to be what remained of its flank-mounted cannon. I stood still for a second to make myself an easier target and as I had hoped, the trojan reared up to stomp down with both hooves. The second it was at its peak, I swung the cannon right into its hocks, sending the machine crashing to the road.

Oddly enough, taking down the trojan was the easier task when compared to what I had to do next. As there were still several Chaos mareines wanting to be our new best friends, I needed to take care of them and quickly. Using every ounce of magic I had left, I hoisted the Chaos trojan and hurled it towards them. The tumbling mass of metal fell a bit short but the forward momentum carried it on as it bounced and skipped down the road until it bowled the Chaos mareines over, incapacitating all our pursuers.(11)

“Glad that’s over with,” I said with a tired sigh of relief.

“Lesson number thirty-two?” Spike remarked as he arrived at my side.

“Of course.”

“Care for some tea?” he asked as he whipped out his thermos.

“Tea would be divine.”

Footnotes:
1) Words that carry more weight given that Regal Horn was said to be incapable of telling a lie.
2) Let’s just say it involves a hot shower, an electric trimmer, and a large amount of rubbing alcohol.
3) Unicorns are trained from a young age to resist the Chaotic energies of the warp, while teleportation devices and star ships use special shielding for protection during warp travel. For more information, I recommend consulting Smart Cookies’ A Foals Guide to the Warp
4) Destructive magics are considered inherently evil and were outlawed in the Edicts of Unicornia of M30.151. Not that Inquisitors haven’t been known to ignore the rules in order to fulfill their missions.
5) These mechanical guardians are rarely seen in public. If you do see one, however, I suggest taking cover. They aren’t known for being able to discern friend from foe.
6) As well as broken toasters, unruly students, flickering holo-projectors, and stuck pickle jar lids.
7) Unlike the all-robotic sentinels, trojans are actually piloted vehicles. Sealed within the body is an honoured space mareine hero, whose body has become too injured or worn out to serve the Empress in a normal fashion.
8) Those instincts also include the recipe for a mean sapphire and ruby casserole.
9) A double-blessing, actually, as most Chaos power hooves lack the inhibitors used in Equestrian-made power hooves that keeps the force of impact below dangerous levels.
10) Unlike space mareine trojans, Chaos mareines are sealed within a trojan against their will, intensifying their hate and anger at their eternal fate.
11) Trojans suffer a crippling ‘tortoise’ problem. That is, when a trojan is knocked onto its backside, it’s almost impossible for it to right itself.

The Dawn of Friendship: Part Five

The Dawn of Friendship

Part Five

“We all know the foolishness associated with brash decisions but genius has never been associated with long delays.”
-Sun Shoe, Art of Negotiation

Under the protective escort of the trojan, Lyra, the remainder of our journey back to Fort Sweet Apple was relatively free of any major hindrances. Occasionally a wandering pack of Chaos ponies would be attracted to the resounding stomps of our escort and proceed to assail us with all the strategic foresight of a blind cat. Not since the poetic Charge of the Pegasus Brigade(1) had there been such a disregard to the most basic tenants of stratagem. As it would have been an exceedingly long walk back to the fortress, Rarity made the helpful suggestion to borrow one of the many vehicles that had been generously left behind by the populace. Pinkie Pie, unfortunately, made us swear that we’d return the vehicle as soon as possible to the owner since apparently one cannot ‘steal’ a car even if the world was going to end. The ensuing argument in order to satisfy Pinkie’s sense of morality reminded me of why Star Swirl never kept a priest on his payroll. It was just too much of a distraction. Morality was an important part of maintaining peace and harmony in the Equestrium but if the line between right and wrong were nice, clear, and defined then my conscience and I would probably still be on speaking terms. As it stood, that line was, at best, a giant cloud of smoke; at worse, on legs and constantly moving when you’re not paying attention.

Finding a proper vehicle to use proved to be just as time-consuming a pointless task as arguing with the priestess. My inclination to find something that would keep everybody happy was an exercise in futility - if it was large enough, then it wasn’t powerful enough. Or it wasn’t flashy enough. Or it was too rusted. Or it smelled funny. Or it had a hole the size of a pony’s head through the engine block. As my mentor once said, ‘some days, the only way to get three ponies to agree on anything was to put two of them to sleep.’ Thankfully, the situation didn’t deteriorate to the point where I had to pull out the lazepistol but it came pretty close when Rainbow Dash objected to Rarity’s suggestion of a sizable luxury sedan on the grounds that it was ‘a car for old ponies.’ Before that argument could continue, though, I stepped in an played the Inquisitional trump card. “Enough already! We’re taking the darn sedan and if anypony has an objection, they’re free to hitch-hike their way back to the fort! Are we clear?”

“Yes’m,” all the ponies chimed in unison as they piled into the car. I should have done that a lot sooner but as my mentor kept scolding me, I tried too hard to keep everypony happy. Since I was Inquisitor and thus had first claim on the front passenger seat, I climbed in and buckled in next to our driver, Fluttershy.

“Take us back to the fort please,” I said with a tired sigh.

“Uhh...Miss Inquisitor ma’am...there’s uh...no key in the ignition,” our driver meekly reported.

“Rarity, keys please,” I called out. On cue, a mechadendrite reached forth and punched into the steering wheel column and a second later the car sputtered to life.

The drive back to Fort Sweet Apple was as pleasant as one could imagine driving through a city under siege in a car built for four but seating six. And to top it all off, the air conditioning was also busted so I got to bask in the sweltering heat of four feuding ponies and a dragon. After listening to exactly thirty-eight minutes of ponies bickering about personal space, which way it was back to the fort, and who sat on whose tail, I was beginning to think riding the back on a manticore would have been a more pleasant way to travel. Actually, anything would have made for a more pleasant ride; launching into the sun packed inside a vending machine for example; or sustained heavy apple-gun fire. Either way, for once I was actually glad that the arrival of Chaos ponies eventually forced us to abandon the car and continue on foot. As I had anticipated, Fort Sweet Apple was under siege from the Chaos ponies, which meant there was a wall of madponies standing between me and my ship.

Fort Sweet Apple was probably the epicenter of the conflict in the whole region as it had been completely surrounded by vast hordes of heretical ponies. And to no surprise, their tactical insight into siege-craft was about as enlightened as their anti-trojan tactics, both of which seemed to center around the principle that eventually the opponent will run out of ammunition. The fort’s elevated position and high walls made it difficult to assail directly but that didn’t stop the Chaos ponies from trying. Between the ponies trying to break down the main gates, the ones attempting to scale the walls, and the pegasus swooping from above, the Equestrian Guards at the fort had their hooves full and I was worried how we would be able to get past so many heretics. It wouldn’t be as simple as letting Lyra run amok for a few minutes as even one trojan could only hold so much attention, not to mention there was bound to be one or two of them equipped with anti-vehicle freezas or lazecannons. Flying was out of the question too since there were so many Chaos pegasus already in the air, we would likely get targeted by our own anti-air defenses.

“Any suggestions?” I finally asked the others when my mental faculties failed me.

Rainbow Dash, who had been hovering above me for a better view, swooped back down with a brilliant grin across her face. “I’ve got an idea!” she exclaimed proudly. “I need one of your lazepistols.” I was hesitant at first to surrender my sidearm since Rainbow Dash struck me as the type of pony to be crazy enough to try and shoot a path through a horde of heretics. Had I known what her plan entailed, I would have gladly charged headlong into the heretical horde armed with only a stale baguette but since we were running a deficit on good ideas, I acquiesced into relinquishing my sidearm. “I’ll be back in ten seconds,” she reassured us before flying off.

For some odd reason, she flew back in the direction of our parked car. We weren’t left wondering for very long since the car went racing past us a moment later, heading in the direction of one of the heretics’ siege weapons, a large-caliber gluewitzer. Half-way through the charge, Dash bailed out of the car and allowed the careening vehicle to crash into the fortified position, causing the ponies manning the weapon to scatter in all direction. So much for returning the car to its owner.(2) With the enemy in disarray, she proceeded to launch a one-pegasus assault on the position. As I watched, my mind pondered on what exactly Dash had in mind that could possibly involve the use of a large cannon. Nothing reasonable came to mind but then I had a new thought - what if it was something unreasonable? The moment I took the unlikely into consideration, my mind froze in abject horror, as though my brain refused to accept the answer that it had settled upon. It was just too crazy to be considered. Alas, I had little time to think of alternatives as Dash had cleared the enemy position and returned in the aforementioned ten-second time-span and signaled for all of us to follow.

And for some silly reason, I decided to follow.

“What in the name of Celestia’s cogs are you thinking Dash?” Rarity asked as we gathered around the artillery piece. “I know we should be helping the fort but taking out a few artillery emplacements isn’t going to help Colonel Macintosh.”

“This is going to be our way in,” Dash explained as she tapped the side of the cannon. Sweet Celestia, she was thinking exactly what I had feared she was.

Thankfully, Rarity had enough wits about her to point the incredulity of the pegasus’ suggestion. “While this would certainly provide the velocity and trajectory necessary to get over the walls, you might have forgotten the small issue of what happens when he hit the ground.”

“Oh that’s easy,” the mareine answered with a dismissive wave of her hoof. “Just send me through first. I’ll be able to land safely and then I just catch you guys as you come over. It’s quick, easy, and, come on, it’s a cannon! How cool is that? Those Chaos ponies would never think of this!”(3) And with good reason. Since she was a space mareine, I could implicitly trust Rainbow Dash with my safety but as a rational pony I could only think of the million and one things that could go wrong with the plan. And each of those misfortunes ended with me as a crater either in the courtyard or against the fortress walls. Yet, for some twisted reason, I seemed to be the only pony in the group who didn’t like the idea. I would have said something sooner but the sheer audacity of the plan had knocked my brain into a kind of thought-process lag, incapable of processing anything else until it had finished grappling with its current burdens.

“Well, I suppose if I adjust the charge, one could launch a pony out of it without harming them,” Rarity muttered to herself.

“That sounds like superrific fun!” added the priestess.

“You girls can’t be serious,” I interjected when my brain at long last rejoined me in the present. “This is absolutely crazy! There’s no way this can work!”

“I don’t see you coming up with any bright ideas Inquisitor,” Dash replied smugly. “And nopony else seems to be complaining.”

“What about Fluttershy?” There was only one other pony I knew I could on for some kind of back-up in this debate. There was no way that Fluttershy would think this was a plausible solution. Then again, it was unlikely she’d consider any plan being worthwhile but that was beside the point.

“Oh, Fluttershy?” the mareine remarked rhetorically. Suddenly, she leveled her lazepistol and put a bolt right into the guardpony, who promptly fell face-first into a deep, blissful slumber. “Hm, looks like she doesn’t seem to have any objections whatsoever.”

“I hope you’re not planning on trying the same with me,” I warned with a harsh glare.

Dash seemed slightly amused by my response, simply laughing quietly as she tossed the lazepistol back to me. “Like that would work with your magic. I’m not stupid,” she said as she headed over to the cannon. “Rarity, prep the cannon and be ready to fire on my signal.” The tech-pony acknowledged with a nod and got to work, adjusting the barrel for the lowest attainable launch angle - too high and we risked catching anti-air fire in the prolonged hang-time, too low and we’d be decorating the wall. “You asked for a means to get back into the fort and I’ve given you one,” Dash continued as she began to lower herself down the muzzle of the gluewitzer. “Unless you can think of a better solution, your choices are to either follow me or try knocking on the door, assuming you can get there. It’s your choice Inquisitor.”

The sound of lazefire in the distance drowned out the grinding of my teeth as I willed my ire back into check. Nothing left a bad taste in your mouth quite like eating your own words. In the end, however, even though this was an idea as unsound as line-dancing through a minefield, I decided to go along with it. At the very least, I knew I could watch the others go before me and I could assess how spectacularly this plan was failing. “Vox us when you’re ready on the other side,” I reminded her as the pegasus disappeared down the muzzle.

“Now Dash, according to my calculations the current trajectory will give you about seven feet of clearance over the wall. It’s very important that you don’t do any flailing or otherwise disrupt your aerodynamics,” Rarity explained as she started dismantling a glue-shell in order to safely propel a pegasus skyward.

“Meaning what exactly?” Dash’s voice echoed from the muzzle.

“Just keep your legs and wings tucked in until you’ve cleared the wall.”

“You know...now that I’m in here, I’m starting to second-guess the soundness of my plan.”

“We best hurry then before you change your mind,” the tech-pony insisted with a quiet chuckle.

“I can’t believe you’re actually going along with this,” I remarked as I continued watching with immense curiosity and confusion. This plan flew in the face of the usual logic and reason that guided most tech-ponies but I was soon to learn that even tech-ponies succumbed to the baser desires that plagued the rest of pony-kind.

“Why Twilight, my dear, the opportunity to fire Dash out of a cannon is something that I have been dreaming of for the better part of a decade. I would be a fool not to pass up on this,” she explained rather coyly. Since Rarity didn’t strike me as the type to dream elaborate revenge fantasies, I could only attribute this to what I had already suspected from earlier; that the pair shared a long, colourful history together that had forged an unshakable bond of trust. Why else would a pegasus so willingly and casually climb into a cannon to be used as live ammunition?(4)

“Did you say something Rarity?” the pony-munition quipped.

“Nothing! Remember - aerodynamics!” With that, the tech-pony quickly pulled on the firing-rope and the cannon erupted with a thunderous crack and a rainbow contrail streaking across the sky. We all held our breath as we watched the pony projectile soar towards the fort walls, anxious to see whether she would soar over it or a become a pastel-coloured stain upon it.

After what felt like the longest, agonizing minute of the day, my vox receiver crackled to life with an affirmative, “That was awesome! You’ve got to try it out!”

As Dash’s ecstatic shouts were quite audible for my compatriots to hear, Pinkie Pie was the first to volunteer for the ride, quite enthusiastically might I add. “Me next! Me next!” she exclaimed, tossing off her party cannon before hopping over to the gluewitzer. After she proceeded to clamber down the muzzle, I carefully lowered her cannon in with her. The priestess’ enthusiasm was always reassuring even when all reason made running away seem like the logical response. Since all the calculations on trajectory were already taken care of and I had opted to lend my assistance, we were able to fire off Pinkie Pie within a few minutes. A distinctive ‘weeee’ accompanied the pink parabola that disappeared beyond the fort’s ramparts and a few seconds after that I received a confirmation vox in the form of, “Let’s do that again!”

Next was Fluttershy’s turn, who thankfully was still too asleep to object to use loading her into a cannon. A solid hit with a lazepistol kept a pony asleep for at least a few hours but chances were our guardpony would receive the most shocking wake-up call in her life. Rarity took an extra minute to recalculate the angle and charge to compensate for Fluttershy’s flailing once she was airborne and I made sure to warn Rainbow Dash to be extra vigilant on this volley. “Remind me to make the private something nice as an apology gift,” Rarity said before firing. By Celestia’s grace, Fluttershy’s trajectory went smoothly, save for Rainbow Dash reporting that the private was in absolute hysterics upon touching down. Personally, I considered that about as much of a success as one could get from the guardpony. Spike’s turn came up next and his lighter frame meant more calculations were needed in order to keep my assistant in one piece. It would have been a most cruel twist of fate to have spent so much effort rescuing my assistant only to propel him face-first into a concrete wall. Once again, though, Rarity proved to be the very model of a modern mathematician by launching Spike on a nigh-identical trajectory as our previous projectiles.

As relieved as I could be to watch my assistant step into the annals of history as the first dragon launched from an artillery piece, Spike’s departure meant that it was finally my turn to take a ride on the bullet train. Since Lyra obviously couldn’t follow suit, I told her that she was free to return to her space mareine sisters and continue the pacification of Ponyville. For a moment, I sort of envied the trojan - every sensible bone in my body was ready to jump free and make a run for it. Nonetheless, I willed myself to climb down the muzzle and mentally brace myself for the impending blast. I could not very well run away after having sent my comrades and my assistant through the same ordeal. Yet even with that taken into consideration, as I sat within the dark, narrow confine of the gluewitzer’s barrel, comforted only by the soft echoes of my breath and my jackhammering heart, I could not help but feel absolute dread towards what awaited me. So many things could still go wrong and my active imagination had no shortage of implausible scenarios to taunt me with, the craziest one involving a temporal rift that hurled me through the folds of space and time itself.

“So Rarity...how are you going to launch yourself out of this thing?” I asked, if only to create some conversation in an attempt to keep my thoughts from dwelling on doomsday scenarios.

“Don’t fret about little ol’ me, I could make this cannon dance a jig if I were so inclined,” she reassured me. “And now if you’ll please keep your legs inside the ride at all times and enjoy your flight.”

I was never the praying type despite having attended the same sanctimonious colleges as every other Celestia-fearing Inquisitor but in those briefs seconds I managed to recite every prayer and litany I could recollect. Being launched out of a gluewitzer is thankfully an ordeal that I have had only limited experience with but it is one that I can never forget despite my best efforts. The near-deafening blast probably left permanent damage to my ears and the spine-crushing force not only knocked my eyeballs into the back of my skull but likely took a few inches off my total span. Having my eyes flattened in my skull made it impossible for me to see anything, other than colourful blurs as I streaked through the sky. The only thing that I could definitively make out was a blue-shaped mass ahead of me. As I passed the blue, indecipherable blob, I felt two legs hook around my body and I began to tumble wildly through the air. After several rolls and nearly losing my lunch, the world began to settle and I was finally able to make out what was going on around me.

“Nice catch, huh?” Dash asked rhetorically as she chuckled to herself. The space mareine, hooves hooked tightly around my frame, slowly lowered me back to earth where my compatriots, including Commissar Applejack, were waiting for me.

“Y’know, for a second Ah thought buffalorks were the only ones crazy enough try invading by artillery,” the commissar remarked. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to compliment or chastise us, perhaps both. “Should Ah even bother asking what happened to mah tank?”

“Your tank served the Empress valiantly, may it rust in peace,” I answered respectfully. “But we have more important things to discuss.”

“No kidding Inquisitor,” Applejack snapped, sounding quite indignant all of a sudden. Her brow furrowed, the once warm and welcoming commissar I had met earlier now replaced with a firm, scrutinizing glare. “Ah knew your arrival had to mean something important was going but did it ever occur to y’all that maybe we ought t’know that there was going to be a forecast of cloudy with a chance of Chaos! Ah know your job can be all about the tight-lips and mum’s words but it just ain’t neighborly to drop in, borrow mah tanks, and just neglect to mention that Ah’m going to be up to mah haunches in heretics. Inquisitor or not, that’s just plain rude, y’know? And Ah don’t need to tell y’all how much I hate getting caught my mah trousers around mah fetlocks. What in the hay was going through your that magic-filled little noggin of yours?”

“I only...sort of knew,” I answered hastily. The commissar was clearly upset and justly so. Military ponies enjoyed surprises like they enjoyed a hoof to the face. And speaking of hooves meeting faces, if I didn’t choose my words carefully I ran the risk of receiving exactly that. Judging by the commissar’s ever-growing scowl, I was about half-way to that fate already. “I knew Luna’s return was going to be soon but I didn’t know when exactly this was going to happen and I certainly didn’t think it was going to happen here of all planets. That’s why I came to Ponyville in the first place - so I could figure out the when and the where. And be honest, if I told you there was a chance that Luna might return after nearly five thousand years, would you have believed me?”

“Well Ah...uh, might have...sorta,” her inability to formulate a coherent sentence was all the acknowledgement I needed.

“Now we can stand and bicker about who could have warned who but we have a planet to save and I’m going to need your help Commissar. Gather all the maps and senior officers you can and have them meet me at my ship in ten minutes.”

The hastily assembled strategy meeting was not quite what I had envisioned. Though Applejack had managed to scrounge up what maps she could of the city and planet, the senior officers that I had requested turned out to be singular. The meeting consisted of myself, Commissar Applejack, Spike, and Captain Red Gala. Apparently Colonel Macintosh had taken two companies out to reinforce the governor’s palace (5) while Major Braeburn and the remaining companies were spread out across the city trying to defend vital points and reinforce the struggling Planetary Welcoming Forces.

“The voice I heard earlier was true...wasn’t it?” Gala remarked as I unfurled a large map, using one of my storage crates for a table. “It’s Chaosmistress Luna...she’s returned to lead a new Black Crusade against the Equestrium. How are we expected to hold the line against those kinds of numbers without support?” The captain looked to the map with fear and worry clearly evident in her eyes, yet her Appleloosian stubbornness refusing to allow it to surface any further.

“The first step is to keep calm,” I reminded the captain. “The second is to cut the invasion off at the head. Creating a rift through the veil will have left Chaosmistress Luna in a weakened state. We have only a small window of opportunity to strike before Luna regains her strength and since time is of the essence, you ponies are all I’ve got to call upon.” I didn’t intend that as an insult to the competency or courage of the Fourth Apple Guard but dealing with the most powerful Chaos mareine in existence normally necessitated equally powerful space mareines. But the Ultraponies on the planet were unavailable (6) and the Cloudsdale would not be able to arrive for several days, assuming they ever receive word on our situation.

“But Luna could be anywhere,” the commissar pointed out. “It could take days just to find her and Ah reckon she won’t be hanging around all by her lonesome.”

“Probably not but she’s not going to waste any time either,” I continued explaining. “The rift she’s already created will only be useful in invading Ponyville. If she wants to carry her dark crusade onto the rest of the sector, she’s going to need to create a rift high enough and with sufficient size to bring forth their cruisers and barges. Once word spreads about this new Black Crusade, the Equestrial Navy will be deployed in force and if she can’t get a fleet assembled, the whole campaign will fall apart.”

“That’s assuming the astrocorns (7) at Segmentum Command ever receive news of this invasion,” Applejack remarked with the bitterness of past experiences. “Ah assuming that this all means y’all know of a way to track her down. You’re a unicorn after all...can your magic help us out?”

I shook my head but magic had never entered into my train of thought to begin with so I was unconcerned with this caveat. “Shrouding her mind’s presence is foal’s play for Luna. Not even the greatest unicorns in the Equestrium would be able to track her down by magic alone,” I explained to the earth ponies. “But she is not as clever as she thinks she is. If she wants to open a rift large enough for a space ship can use, she’ll need to get to as high an elevation as possible.” As cruisers and other large space-faring ships had all the aerodynamic properties of a steel ingot, they needed to be far enough from the planet’s surface to avoid plummeting back to it. A ritual is the only way to create a rift of such a size and thanks to the bizarre rules of rituals and incantations, direct physical contact with the planet was required. It had something to do with using the planet’s energy as an anchor but all that mattered was that it left only a limited number of locations that would work. “So what’s the highest place one can get to on this planet without having to get airborne?”

The captain and commissar glanced at each other for only a brief instant as the answer came to them both swiftly. “The orbital spire,” Applejack answered. “That thing’s so tall you’ll get crick in yer neck just from looking up so far. The ponies at the shipyards use it to load and unload cargo onto transports hanging in low orbit.” She then pointed out the spire’s location on the map, which was several hundred kilometers to the southeast. It was a long distance but now that I had my ship again, that distance could be quickly traversed.

“Then that is where Chaosmistress Luna will be,” I said steadfastly. “I don’t know how many mareines or Chaos ponies will be there but we’ll have the element of surprise on our side. I doubt Luna would ever expect us to take the fight to her.”

“So what’s the plan exactly? Ah reckon we’ll need to do more than just ask politely for her to stop.”

I knew the only way to reassure the commissar was to show my ace-in-the-hole, even though said card was still a bit of a mystery to me. I grabbed the crate housing the ancient relic and set it down atop the map. “We stop her with this,” I said proudly before carefully disengaging the locks. The metal crate creaked loudly as hinges not used in almost ten thousand years slowly swung open. “The Relic of Harmony - the very instrument of Celestia’s divine will that has pacified a thousand worlds and stopped the Luna Heresy.” The relic itself was an ancient unicorn hood, a shroud composed of steel and circuitry that amplified the power and control of any unicorn who wore it. At first glance it may have looked uninspiring, its once proud metallic surface marred by the grime of centuries of neglect; its shimmering jewels of power that lined its crest dulled by a fine layer of dust. “Now I’ll also need a squad of your best guardponies, preferably joytroopers if you’ve got any to spare.”

Captain Gala nodded in acknowledgment and excused herself to collect what guardponies she could. I didn’t want to compromise the fort’s defenses and I knew that a fast-moving strike team would far better than a large army. Plus I could only fit so many ponies into my ship comfortably. “This plan of yours is a might bit crazy...but, what the hay, y’all can count me in.”

“You...probably should stay with your troops and help hold the fort,” I replied hesitantly. While I appreciated the commissar’s enthusiasm, I wasn’t entirely positive that her help would be of any value. I needed peace-keepers, not a political officer.

“Like hay I’m gonna sit this one out!” Applejack objected passionately. In hindsight I shouldn’t have been surprised by this. “And mah ponies here can hold the fort just fine without me barking orders at them. Y’all need all the help you can get and Ah’m the pony to deliver. Put one of them Chaos mareines in front of me and Ah’ll introduce them to mah friends Bucky and Kicks McGee!”(8) Apparently anticipating my confused gaze, the commissar lifted up her hind legs to show me the master-crafted power hooves she was wearing, each one etched with their respective name.

“Welcome aboard then,” I acquiesced in the face of such a compelling argument. The more I thought about it, the more reasonable it seemed to bring the commissar along. She would be useful in keeping our accompanying guardponies in line, especially considering how frightening facing Chaos mareines can be. And at the very least, it would give my enemies somepony to focus on instead of me. I was just about to instruct the commissar to gather whatever gear she might need when I heard an ‘ahem’ from the boarding ramp, prompting my attention towards the ponies now standing in my cargo bay. It was Rarity, Dash, and Pinkie each of whom were grinning hopefully as though they were about to ask me to part with a hoof. “What are you girls doing here?”

“What does it look like? We’re coming with you!” Dash explained zealously as she stepped forward. “As an Ultrapony, I must stand against Chaos no matter the risk! My duty compels me to seek out Chaos at its very heart, to snuff out the fires of disharmony so that they cannot consume the innocent. I insist that you grant me the honour of standing at your side on this most noble of endeavours. Also, kicking Luna’s hindquarter is going to be so incredibly cool! No way the Wonderbolts can ignore those kind of credentials on my resume!” Up until that last sentence, I was actually impressed with Rainbow Dash, surprised even, by her uncharacteristic display of duty and righteousness. It was a nice feeling while it lasted. Even though she was lacking her power barding, I still felt a lot more comfortable having a space mareine on board.

“And you two as well?” I asked as I switched my focus over to the priestess and tech-pony. “Pacification isn’t exactly in either of your job descriptions. There’s no telling what kind of dangers we’ll encounter at the spire.”

“I assure you Inquisitor, danger is nothing that I am not unfamiliar with,” Rarity replied with a dismissive wave of her hoof. It was only just that I noticed that the tech-pony was now sporting a new set of limbs. They were far more simplistic in their form, looking more like a metallic skeleton than anything else. Only a few visible hydraulics near the joints disrupted the otherwise streamline design. I could only assume that she had visited the fort’s motor pool and ‘borrowed’ the replacement limbs.(9) “Besides, it looks as though your relic hasn’t been given the level of care that it deserves. I’ll have it as brilliant as the day it was forged by the time we reach the orbital spire. Also, I have extensive knowledge of the spire’s layout. You know, just in case you’d like to avoid walking in blindly.” Once again it was an argument I could not refute. I had no way of knowing if the past ten thousand years had any sort of detrimental effect on the relic. Bring the tech-pony relieved me of yet another worry.

“And you?” I quipped as I looked to the priestess, assuming she would have some sort of argument espousing the importance of her participation. “It’s going to be very dangerous, you know?”

“Ha! I laugh in the face of danger,” Pinkie replied in a jovial fashion that failed to put my concerns at ease. “That and kittens. They’re just so cute!” I stared at the priestess with a dead-pan expression, trying to ascertain whether that truly was the total extent of her answer. She must’ve picked up on the none-too-subtle visual cue and added, “Plus all that stopping Luna and saving the world stuff...I guess. If we win, will we get to throw a victory party?” That wasn’t any more satisfying answer than the previous. I simply let out an exasperated sigh and moved on.

“I guess I can make room on the ship for the four of you.”

“Then it’s all settled,” Applejack said, her spirits elated by the news. “How about y’all follow me then and we’ll get’cha some real firepower?” The commissar motioned for the other ponies to follow as she led them out. Since I had all the firepower I needed with my magic and lazepistol, I declined the offer. It was unlikely that Applejack would have anything available in her armoury that would be a significant improvement. The Equestrian Guard weren’t exactly afforded the best of equipment, relying more on quantity than quality.

I decided to step outside for a brief moment, if only to assess the fort’s situation. Guardponies lined the ramparts, the snaps of their blazing lazeguns merging into one homogeneous crackling noise not too unlike a roaring fire. The crackling noise was accentuated by the louder, rhythmic thumping of the fort’s anti-air walnutter batteries as they fired their nut-based flak shells at strafing Chaos pegasi. The Chaos pegasi were one of the more immediate threats, strafing high above the guardpony lines with volleys of muffins and cupcakes. Fortunately, casting my eyes skyward allowed me to notice a lone Chaos pegasus lining up for an attack run against me. I allowed only the smallest sigh to escape my lips, more of weariness than any sort of concern. I promptly raised a magical barrier that kept the oncoming muffin fire from hitting me, allowing me to take careful aim with my lazepistol and put a single bolt into the pegasus. The unconscious pony continued plummeting towards me, crashing into the ground several meters ahead of me before rolling to a halt at my hooves.

“What a waste of potential,” I muttered to myself as I stared at the unconscious form before me. He looked like every other Chaos pony I had come across - his mane dyed into bizarre, contrasting hues and thrown up into a spiky mess that followed no pattern or reason; his body adorned with strange tattoos and markings belonging to the dark god he now worshipped; and whatever cutie mark he had was gone, replaced with the grinning, dragon-like visage of Discord. Once long ago this was some old mare’s little colt, full of life and dreams and hope and love. But somewhere along the line, whether led by a feeling of loneliness, depravity, or even just idle curiosity, he fell into the wrong crowds and slowly corrupted into the husk of a pony I saw before me now. With time and treatment, perhaps one day he could be returned as a functioning pony of society but it’s unlikely the mental scars could ever be fully removed. It was a sobering thought to hold - the idea that such darkness was hidden within the hearts of all ponies.

Lost in thought, I failed to notice the approaching Captain Gala, who had following in her step a half-dozen stallions. I was actually taken back slightly when I saw them, surprised by their staggering size. What in Celestia’s horn did they feed their ponies on Appleloosa to grow them so big?(10) I barely passed their shoulders and each one of them was clad head to hoof in joytrooper-issued carapace armour. Only one wasn’t wearing the full-face mask and that probably had something to do with the large cigar between his teeth, which he rolled idly across his jaw every few minutes. “I believe I have found the right ponies you’re looking for,” Captain Gala said with no attempt to hide her pride in putting forth her best troopers for the Inquisition. “This is Sergeant Chance-a-lot and his squad.”

Before I could say anything in response, one of the troopers shouted, “Heads up!” A trio of pegasi came in for a strafing run, peppering the area with cupcakes. In an impressive move, the six joy-troopers, rather than running for cover, raised their lazeguns (11) swiftly and in tandem, firing a concentrated volley at the attackers. The furious counter-attack knocked all three pegasi from the sky...but not before the damage had already been done. Captain Gala lay on the ground, her body splattered with a dozen muffins.

“Captain Gala!” the cigar-chomping pony exclaimed upon noticing the captain’s condition. He immediately dropped to the pony’s side, lifting her head gently in one hoof. “Quick, get a medic!” he shouted to one his squadmates, who quickly heeded the instruction and raced off.

Slowly, the captain’s eyes drifted open. Though a pained expression contorted her face, she managed a weak smile to the trooper. “Carry on...without me,” she whispered softly before slipping unconscious once more.

The stallion, whom I presumed to be Sergeant Chance-a-lot given that his armour bore a sergeant’s stripes, clenched his jaw so tightly that it almost sheered his cigar in half. He carefully scooped up one of the flattened muffins and curiously sniffed at it. “Bran,” he sneered venemously. “Those monsters.” As medics arrived to ferry the captain away to someplace safe for treatment, the sergeant set his cold gaze upon me. I couldn’t help but feel as though I suddenly lost several inches in height but despite the suddenly feeling of insignificance, I held my ground and shot back with the most steadfast gaze I could muster. “Ah suggest we move out soon, Ah’ve got a hankering to put some Chaos ponies to bed if you catch mah drift,” he spoke, his voice surprisingly calm given the nature of his remarks. I simply nodded in response and motioned for the sergeant and his ponies to wait inside the cargo hold.

After several more minutes of waiting, Applejack and the others returned, now carrying a variety of new firearms and weaponry. I was just about to inform Applejack of the situation regarding Captain Gala when something caught my eye. Instead of four ponies returning from the armoury, there was now a fifth in tow and it was none other than the timid Private Fluttershy. Describing my mindset as perplexed would have been an understatement but thankfully Applejack had already prepared for this inevitability.

“Inquisitor, Private Fluttershy was wondering if she could have a quick word with you,” the commissar explained with an odd hint of pride in her voice. She slowly stepped back and gently nudged the visibly nervous young guardpony forward with an encouraging, “Go on...just tell her what you told me.”

Slowly, the guardpony crept forward, her eyes just barely lifting off the ground long enough to meet with my own. The mission’s urgency demanded a quick response and I was tempted to try and coax a response from the private for the sake of expediency. But I knew that would have had the opposite effect so I held my tongue, which was a harder prospect than I had imagined. “Um...well, uh...Inquisitor Sparkle, ma’am...I was just...I was just...” Fear enveloped the pony and her voice tapered off to an inaudible whisper, prompting the commissar beside her to give another encouraging nudge. “I want to join the mission!” she blurted out before her inhibitions could kick back in.

Though I foresaw her request, it was still surprising nonetheless to hear it coming from her mouth. “Private...this isn’t really your kind mission,” I answered, trying to find the gentlest way to explain something very ugly. “Back in the city...you ran away from the enemy. You froze when the fighting started. I need ponies that I can rely upon and...you haven’t shown me you can be that kind of pony.”

In the face of resistance, I expected the private to fold immediately. What I got instead was a pleasant surprise. “I know!” she insisted, cringing in shame at the thought of her previous actions. “I just...I get so jumpy and...I know I let you down Inquisitor. You and Spike and Dash were counting on me and I couldn’t even raise a hoof. That’s why...that’s why I need to make it up to you. Please Inquisitor...let me help you. I won’t be a burden this time. I promise!”

While her impassioned plea was a refreshing change of pace, I wasn’t entirely convinced by it. As I mulled over her words, I cast a quick glance over to Applejack. The commissar had a pleading look in her eyes, silently begging me to comply. The private appeared genuine in her determination and she did have a very large gun slung upon her back. Perhaps things would be different. “Oh...very well,” I finally sighed in agreement. “But be aware Private, you’ll need to be able to fend for yourself once we reach the spire. We might not always be there to protect you if things get hectic.”

“It won’t be a problem Inquisitor, I swear,” Fluttershy reassured me, her confidence seemingly bolstered by my acceptance.

I motioned for my comrades to board the ship, though I stopped Applejack before she got past me. “Captain Gala got hit by some Chaos pegasi, will the fort be okay with both of you absent?” I asked, not wasting time mincing words. This sort of bad news was something that an experienced military pony like Applejack should have been more than used to.

And as I has suspected, she didn’t even so much as flinch at the news of Gala. “This wouldn’t be the first time mah ponies have been without supervision. They know their training well and one of the lieutenants (12) will step in to take control when needed.”

“Okay then.” I paused briefly in order to find the right words. I needed a straight answer from the commissar and the wrong wording could put her on the defensive. “I can tell your troops mean a lot to you and that you care for each of them. But I need to know the truth, Commissar, is Fluttershy going to be a liability?”

“Ah wouldn’t have brought her if Ah thought that for an instant,” the commissar replied with an all-serious, dead-panned tone. “She’s stronger than y’all think. Trust me, she’ll surprise ya.”

Footnote:
1) The M31.854 Battle of Balaclopa still serves as a reminder of the dangers of allowing disharmony to persist within the Equestrian Guard. A feud between two commanders and communication difficulties led to the 82nd Pegasopolis Light Brigade flying a direct assault on an enemy anti-air battery.
2) We seem to have a habit of destroying most of the vehicles we borrow. Pinkie Pie eventually berated Dash into paying for the repairs. That pony wields guilt like a thunder mace.
3) True but it is a common buffalork tactic, which certainly says a lot about their level of strategy.
4) In retrospect, I am fairly certain that Dash would have gone along with the plan even if Rarity hadn’t been present. ‘To pull a Dash’ is common adage amongst Ultraponies and means ‘to succeed despite all logic in the plan dictating otherwise.’
5) Colonel Macintosh was actually already at the palace when the invasion began. He correctly predicted that the palace would be one of the main targets and the two regiments sent to support him were able to keep the palace safe.
6) Sergeant Rose and the rest of her Ultraponies were, at the time, occupied with regaining control of the planet’s main starport. The six-mare team was able to fend off thousands of heretics and ensure that the starport remained in Equestrial control so that reinforcements could safely land.
7) While astrocorns, unicorns specially trained to send and receive messages through the warp, were the only practical means for interplanetary communication, it wasn’t uncommon for messages to get held up for months or even years in transit. That’s what happens when you send messages through a medium that also happens to be the home of the very forces invading you.
8) These power hooves were originally known as ‘The Ambassadors’ and were worn by Applejack’s forefathers on frontlines across the galaxy.
9) As it turns out, Rarity really can charm the legs off a pony, or three in this case.
10) Applejack once joked that they got their stallions by heading into the woods and bucking them from the giant Appleloosian redwoods.
11) Since Twilight wouldn’t have noticed the difference, joytroopers are actually issued a more potent version of the lazegun, the coldshot lazegun. These supercharged rifles can even put an armoured Chaos mareine down with a few rounds.
12) That lieutenant happened to be Lt. Ditzy Doo. The defense of Fort Sweet Apple was one of her first major accomplishments in her illustrious career.

The Dawn of Friendship: Part Six

The Dawn of Friendship
Part Six

“Sorrow is temporary. Love is forever.”
-Colonel-Commissar Abe’Ram Goat

To say that the ride to the orbital spire was a crowded one was about as much of an understatement as stating Chaosmistress Luna is a bit grumpy in the morning. A Pegasus-class lander was designed to shuttle at most four or five passengers plus pilot, not the dozen ponies that I had crammed into it. Sergeant Chance-a-lot and his joytroopers were packed into the cargo bay, using whatever flat surfaces they could find as seating arrangements; meanwhile, my remaining compatriots found space wherever they could, one even going so far as to use the lavatory as a seat for a bulk of the ride. As Rarity needed space to perform the basic maintenance rituals on the Relic of Harmony, I let her sit up front with Spike while I got cozy with Dash on the sleeping cot.

“So...how long have you been a space mareine?” I asked, using small talk to try and dispel my evident discomfort from sharing a cot barely large enough for one. We both half-sat on each end of the bed, resting our hindquarters on our respective half of the cot while using our forelegs to keep ourselves level.

“About...thirty years or so,” she answered with an indifferent shrug. I got the impression that she didn’t keep track of such statistics as the space mareines had their own unique command structure that cared little for years and centuries.(1) For mareines, time was measured in deeds, which was part of the reason why she was always so preferential to spectacular but ludicrous plans.

“I...see,” I muttered in response. If Dash had noticed the disappointed tone in my voice, she didn’t pay it, or me, any heed. Things between the mareine and I fell silent for the remainder of the ride despite further efforts to make conversation. Dash had preoccupied herself by disassembling and reassembling the jokester pistol she had borrowed from Applejack and I even killed some time by watching the mareine as she ran through the motions with the precision that came from years of repetition. My thoughts drifted to the marieine herself and I wondered how a pony like Dash could have earned her way into the ranks of the space mareines. From what I had seen, she was reckless and egotistical, seemingly more concerned with her own glory than anything else. She had her moments of selflessness but even those might have had ulterior motives. As I watched Dash, I could see a sort of determination and focus in her eyes that I hadn’t noticed before and upon her lips, there was the subtle curl of a smile. While I spent the ride suppressing the constant gurgles of fear and apprehension, Dash seemed to be looking forward to our mission. Dare I even say, she was excited about the prospect. Nothing else seemed to matter to her. Perhaps it was this singular dedication and focus that made space mareines the legends that they were and it was likely also what made them such a mystery to everypony else. Hers was a mind as alien to me as the Eldeer. In the end, since a pony could only watch someone disassemble a weapon so many times before boredom set it, I decided to head back to the cockpit to check on our status.

“Careful!” squeaked the priestess as I stepped off the cot and almost put a hoof down on her tail in the process. Pinkie’s lack of chatter made me almost forget that she had been laying on the floor under the cot the entire time. Within seconds of vacating the cot, the priestess moved to claim my space and began chatting away with Dash. Technically, Pinkie did all the talking. I doubt Dash was even listening.

On the way to the cockpit, I stopped off to check on Applejack and Fluttershy, the former making use of the lavatory as a seat while the latter was sitting half-and-half in the hallway and the bathroom. “You two doing okay?” I asked.

“Ain’t exactly a stretch limo but Ah’ve had worse,” Applejack answered in her usual cheerful and confident tone. She had been passing the time by looking over a map of the spire on her personal dataslate(2), committing every room’s layout to memory. Like Rainbow Dash she preparing for the coming fight and was enthused by the prospect, though not to the same extent. Her professionalism brought a small bout of comfort to me as I would be looking to her and Dash for tactical advice.

“And you private?” I said as I redirected my gaze to the private sitting before me. Unlike Dash and Applejack, Fluttershy was idling quietly on the floor, her eyes fixated on a particular speck of rust on the floor plating.

“I...I’m fine,” she insisted. Given by the way she flinched every time that the ship was rocked by a bout of turbulence, I wasn’t convinced of this.

“It’s okay to admit if you’re scared, Fluttershy. If you want to stay in the ship, I won’t think any less of you,” I said in hopes of reassuring her. Even if I would be a pony short, one bad soldier could drag the rest of the team down. If she got into trouble, I suspected that Applejack would brave whatever risks to rescue her, which would only further detract from our mission. And while technically true that I would not think less of her for staying, that was only because my opinion of her as a soldier was about as low as it could get. Were she any less effective as a trooper, I would have had to reclassify her as an enemy combatant.

Thankfully, though, the private shook her head in defiance. “No, Inquisitor. I promise I won’t let you down. I know that so long as we stick together, everything will be okay.” That was enough to keep my worries at bay so I bid the pair farewell and resumed my trek to the front of the ship.

“Spike, what’s our ETA?” I asked as I opened the cockpit door. Between Spike and Rarity, there wasn’t a lot of room for me to stand so remained in the open doorway. My question was ultimately pointless, though, as I could see our destination straight ahead. When Applejack said the orbital spire was huge, she wasn’t exaggerating. It was one of the single-largest pony-made structures I had ever seen outside of a shipyard. It seemed almost...surreal in its enormity, as if something that massive shouldn’t be able to exist. Even though we were probably kilometers away, the spire occupied almost the entire window and stretched higher than my eyes could even see. Without anything nearby to give me any kind of scale to compare, I could not for the life of me guess the dimensions.(3) How something so grandiose could exist without collapsing under its own weight reflected the engineering brilliance of the Adeptus Mechanicolt.

“We’re still almost half an hour out,” Spike answered. “According to Rarity, a small gap exists in its radar field in airspace surrounding the spire. If we approach at a low altitude, it shouldn’t raise any alarms. Once we’re under the radar field, I can ascend the spire and dock at the highest port we can.” That was very clever thinking on their part and I complimented them for their ingenuity and initiative. It was a relief to see that I didn’t need to supervise every little detail of our flight, which meant I could focus my thoughts on our strategy once inside. An uncomfortable thought, however, did cross my mind.

“Just...how close to the tower do we need to get?” I asked warily. A part of me wanted to remain in blissful ignorance but the door had already been opened.

“About...twenty-five meters,” he sheepishly replied. Given that our ship was about eighteen meters across, that did not leave a lot room for error. All it took was one careless twitch of the control stick and we could clip the spire or wander into the radar field, dashing any chance of catching the enemy off-guard.

“Well, I guess it’s unnecessary to remind you to be careful,” I said as I gazed out the cockpit once more. “And where exactly will we be docking?”

This time, Rarity had the answer and even though she was busy at work she seemed perfectly capable of handling both my inquiries and the Relic sitting on the dashboard. “There is an access port roughly four kilometers up. Typically it’s used by the maintenance staff to make repairs on several of the climate monitors but I should be able to override the control panel in order to grant us access. It’ll put us roughly two kilometers below the main command center, where I am certain is where our Chaosmistress will be attempting her ritual.”

“How certain?”

“Ninety-five percent certainty,” she said without a moment of hesitation. “Unless she wants to perform the ritual in a utility closet or on the rooftop, the command center is the highest room in the spire. Unfortunately, access to the command center is limited to a single lift located on the far side of the tower from our access point. We’ll need to make our way through three cargo bays, which I don’t need to tell you will likely be heavily defended.” Rarity seemed remarkably calm despite the unsettling prospect of fighting our way through Celestia knows how many Chaos ponies in a tactically unkempt fashion. Perhaps because she knew that she would be standing well behind the rest of us, giving her ample space to turn and run should things go sour. Nonetheless, having this knowledge gave us some chance to better prepare ourselves. Since I still had a long wait ahead of me, I decided to head into the cargo bay and share the information with the sergeant and his colts.

“Equipment check! Sound off!” I shouted as to ensure every pony in the ship could hear me. After a lengthy, spiraling ascent up the spire, Spike had finally leveled the ship off at our entry point. The biggest obstacle we had before us, however, was that the maintenance hatch that Rarity mentioned was not a true docking port. That meant the best we could do was have Spike hold the ship steady as close to the hatch as he could and jump over once Rarity got the hatch open. This meant a brief exposure to the frigid air of the stratosphere. As such, we all had our weapons secured to our bodies and wore special breathing apparatus since once I opened the boarding ramp, all the available oxygen in the ship would be sucked out by the pressure differential.

One by one the ponies checked their equipment one last time and sounded off an affirmation of their readiness. With everything secured, I hit the button and unsealed the boarding ramp. The seal broke with a loud hiss which steadily grew into a deafening roar as the high winds whipped across the open bay door. The maintenance hatch in question was a small indentation in the otherwise smooth exterior wall of the spire with only a small ledge in front, to which the climate monitors were mounted. Rarity slowly edged herself down the boarding ramp, her mechadendrite tail clamped to ship as a lifeline. Despite Spike’s superb piloting skills, the high winds caused the ship to gently sway back and forth. “Oh...oh my! This absolutely dreadful...” Rarity remarked as she crept closer to the edge of the boarding ramp.

“Don’t tell me you’re scared of heights,” I shouted back as I was likely the only one who could hear her over the roaring of the wind.

“Heights, no. The prospect of falling however,” she answered but trailed off at the end. Reaching the end of her safety line, Rarity stretched one of her free mechadendrites across the gap and began interacting with a small control panel next to the hatch. After a few seconds, the hatch slide open and we proceeded to make the jump across. Though a slow process, each pony made it across without difficulty, save for Fluttershy who unsurprisingly became petrified when her turn came up. A part of me wanted to just leave her behind but Applejack’s earlier reassurances along with the freeza gun(4) strapped to her flank convinced me otherwise. Since by that point she and I were the only ponies left in the ship, I simply used my magic, grabbed the pegasus, and shoved her across the gap before she could realize what was happening.

Once everypony was across, we shut the hatch behind us. I had instructed Spike to stay close by for as long as he could but there was only so much fuel left in the ship so we’d have a few minutes at best to change our minds and leave. Most of the other ponies had already moved ahead without me with only Applejack lingering behind to lead me through the narrow tunnels of the maintenance passages. Eventually, the passage dumped us into one of the cargo bays that Rarity had mentioned. The open expanse was filled with shipping containers of varying sizes stacked wherever there was room. But while there were plenty of crates and small nooks for Chaos ponies to take cover behind, we saw absolutely no sign of the enemy.

“This don’t make no sense...why aren’t there any ponies here? You sure Luna is here?” the sergeant remarked as he led his squad forward. We traveled as a pack with one pony ahead as point, one as rear guard, and the remainder of the joytroopers spread in a wide arc ahead of me

“Positive...I can feel her presence,” I explained in a hushed tone as we cautiously proceeded through the cargo bay. I couldn’t tell if she was close and it wasn’t quite the same sensation as detecting a pony’s life force but I could feel the subtle changes in the warp energies caused by her presence, like watching ripples in a lake. Even in her weakened state, reality seemed to shudder at her presence. Perhaps she was not as vulnerable as I had hoped. I prayed to Celestia I wasn’t about to lead these ponies to their doom.

“If you can feel her presence...won’t that mean she can feel yours too?” the sergeant replied.

“Possibly. But she’ll be too focused on the ritual to notice somebody as insignificant as me,” I reassured him. As I kept the Relic in a box strapped to my back, my magical presence would be so small in comparison to hers that I should be no more noticeable than a raindrop to a lake.

The tension was thick as we pressed forward with still no sign of any Chaos ponies or any of the spire’s workers either. Fluttershy had it the worst - she crept across the floor like a terrified rabbit, her eyes darting across to every shadow and flickering light. The tension was even beginning to get to me too as I couldn’t shake the unsettling feeling as though we were being watched from the shadows. Every so often I would focus inward and listen to the pulses of the life forces around me but the only presence I could ever sense were our own. I was beginning to wonder if perhaps I had been mistaken. We crossed the three cargo bays without so much as a sign of anything being out of the ordinary.

“This ain’t right,” Applejack grumbled when we finally caught sight of the elevator lift in the distance. “Luna ain’t dumb enough to leave herself so open like this.”(5)

“Well you’re the military pony, what do you suggest?” I asked. Though many possessed one, military backgrounds were not an essential part of becoming an Inquisitor and I was a prime example of this. Though I studied the various arts of negotiation and conflict resolution, most of my knowledge was still based on theory rather than real-world experience. Having a ponies like Applejack and Chance-a-lot provided a useful pool of experience that I could draw from when I had no clue what to do next.

“If this is a trap, we’re already neck-deep in it so the best strategy is just to keep our eyes open and wait for the inevitable,” Applejack answered in a manner that did little to instill any sense of reassurance. Good to know our strategy for dealing with an ambush was just to grin and take it a like a pony.

As we drew closer to the elevator shaft, the inevitability we had been waiting for finally occurred. A large steel door leading to the elevator’s exit suddenly fell shut, sealing us in the cargo bay. It didn’t take a military genius to know what was coming next and the shout of ‘Chaos to the rear’ came as no surprise. Like a well-oiled machine, the joytroopers fell into a defensive position as Chaos ponies began to flood into the cargo bay. Dark sorcery must have been at work to keep all of them hidden from my senses but that should not have surprised me considering Luna’s abilities. We took what cover we could behind the various crates and began returning fire as our positioned was peppered with cupcakes, muffins, and lazegun fire.

“Rarity, get this door open!” I shouted to the tech-pony. I peaked over the crate I was using for cover and noticed a group of Chaos ponies taking up firing positions on one overhanging catwalk. Acting quickly, I focused my magic on the catwalk’s suspension cables, snapping several of them and causing the platform to collapse, throwing the enemy into further disarray. This barely stemmed the tide, unfortunately, as more ponies moved to fill the gaps in their lines. Soon they were outnumbering us more than ten to one and I was barely able to keep my head up long enough to even fire a few fleeting shots. “Rarity! I said get the door!”

“I am trying!” she shouted back. “But it is not easy to concentrate with so much shooting going on!” She was working on a control panel next to the sealed door but this left her in a relatively exposed position and she was continually forced to duck behind a nearby crate to avoid catching a few cupcakes in the back. “Dash, please be a dear and get these ponies off my back!”

“Oh fine, geez...” she replied in a mock complaint. Somehow I got the impression that she was simply waiting for somepony to ask for her intervention if only to make her impact all the more pronounced. “For the Empress!” the pegasus shouted as she launched into the air, arcing high over the Chaos pony lines and raining jokester rounds upon their heads. She began flying in circles above them, weaving up and down as she emptied magazine after magazine into their numbers. Occasionally, Dash would swoop down low and charge straight through a crowd of ponies and then falling back into her cycle of high-speed laps around the cargo bay. She became almost a rainbow-coloured blur, the cupcakes fired in response seemingly rolling off her body as she moved effortlessly through the air. The amount of focus needed to fly, manoeuvre, and shoot with such precision was likely beyond the limits of any normal pony. For a brief moment, I even caught a glimpse of that same steadfast, focused gaze and delighted smirk that I saw back on the ship. This was Rainbow Dash in her natural environment.

Now while I would have enjoyed watching Rainbow Dash fly rings around the Chaos ponies, I wasn’t willing to take the risk that one of them got a lucky shot off and knocked out our only space mareine. The rest of us took the momentary lapse in focus to push back hard against the enemy. I briefly casted a sideways glance over to Fluttershy, only to find her curled into the fetal position next to Applejack. So much for surprising us. Thankfully things were going so well in our favour that her absence was hardly noticed.

Alas, their numbers seemed endless and it wasn’t long before Rainbow Dash flew back behind cover with a sheepish grin on her face. “I uhh...don’t suppose any of your have some extra magazines I could borrow?” she asked rhetorically before holstering her empty pistol. Without Dash causing havoc amongst their firing lines, the Chaos ponies were able to reorganize into cohesive unit. Our only saving grace at that point was that most Chaos ponies had little education in the basic principles of fire control.(6) They probably would have been more accurate if they were throwing the muffins at us but even with their wild accuracy, their numbers made a compelling argument to keep one’s head down.

“Please tell me you’ve fixed our door problem,” I called out.

“I’ve just about got it,” Rarity replied. A few seconds later, her jubilant cheers alerted us of our newly-opened exit. We beat a hasty retreat through the door, which Rarity was thankfully able to close again once we were all safely inside. “I’ve locked down as much of the controls as possible but it’s only a matter of time before they figure out how to work a manual override.” Rarity couldn’t give us an exact time estimate, stating that it could be mere minutes if there was a pony amongst the enemy that knew even a bit about mechanics.

“Ah reckon we could hold up in here for a nice little while,” Sergeant Chance-a-lot spoke up, his eyes analyzing the layout of the room we were in. It was a relatively narrow hallways that widened into a small chamber around the elevator.

“I don’t know if splitting up our already outnumbered force is a good idea,” I said as I hurried to the elevator. We had a large enough force behind us and Celestia knows how much still ahead. The fact that there were only Chaos ponies thus far was equally worrying as it meant that the more battle-hardened Chaos mareines were likely being kept up ahead in reserve, waiting for us to arrive exhausted from the previous fights.

“Way I see it Inquisitor,” the sergeant explained as he casually rolled the cigar across his lips, “the only thing that matters here is getting Luna. And you ponies ain’t gonna get that done with a bunch of crazies trying to mess with you. And honestly, Luna wouldn’t break a sweat dealing with me and my colts. It’s best we stay here where we can do some good. We can keep them bottled up in this hallway and out of yer hair long enough to get the job done.” There wasn’t time for a lengthy debate or to weigh the pros and cons of the sergeant’s suggestion. He presented a valid argument and when both Dash and Applejack agreed with his assessment, I had a unanimous agreement amongst my military advisers. I conceded to the sergeant’s plan and we separated into our new grounps; the sergeant and his joytroopers formed a defensive line guarding our rear while the rest of us boarded the elevator.

“Empress be with you Sergeant,” I said in parting just before the lift doors closed. I wish there was more I could have offered him aside from empty words but short of staying behind myself there was nothing else to offer. They were smart ponies; they knew what they were volunteering for.

At first, it was a solemn, silent ride in the lift. Only the occasional clicking of a weapon check broke the otherwise pervasive silence. “Any advice when we get to Luna?” Applejack asked to finally break the tranquility.

“Run interference if you can but otherwise just let me handle her,” I replied. To be honest, I still had no way of knowing for certain if the Relic of Harmony would work. Rarity said it was as functional as she could make it but whether this would translate into results was another mystery altogether. Greater unicorns than myself have tried in the past without success but it had always been under laboratory conditions. This was the first time since the Luna Heresy that the Relic of Harmony has actually been carried into battle. The only comforting thought I had was the reassurance that even if I were to fail, the Equestrium would still be ready to oppose Luna. It would likely be a long, difficult struggle but the Equestrium would prevail. It had to. Either way, by the end of the day, we would either be heroes or distant memories.

We stepped off the elevator into a round, darkened chambered, dimly lit by only a few luminator rods that ran around the circumference of the room. “I thought you said Luna would be here,” the commissar stated in a hushed whisper to the tech-pony next to her. “There ain’t nopony here.”

“No, I said she would be in the command center. We’re on the lower deck,” Rarity snapped back, thankfully managing to maintain an equally hushed voice despite the resentment in her tone.

“And you would be correct. I was worried that you ponies would never show up,” a new voice sudden cut in, stopping us dead in our tracks. The dim lighting at first made it impossible to tell who was the source but I could tell it wasn’t Luna. As opposed to Luna’s dominating and commanding tone, this one was far calmer, more controlled. “I was sort of hoping for more of you but...well, beggers can’t be choosers I suppose,” the voice continued in a playful, insidious manner. The sound of heavy, metal hooves clopping across the floor accompanied the heavily-armoured mare as she finally stepped into view. And with that went my hope of finding Luna without running into any Chaos mareines. Granted there was only one but that was arguably even more disconcerting since it was unlikely Luna would have entrusted her safety to anypony but one of her finest.

“If you know what’s good for you, traitor, you’ll step aside right now,” Rainbow Dash barked at the Chaos mareine. As a space mareine, she naturally had an unrepentant hatred for the traitors who fell to Chaos.(7)

The mareine, however, simply chortled, a sly smirk appearing across her uncovered visage. “Now where would the fun be in that, hm? As much as the Chaosmistress has been waiting for you, I can’t just stand back and let her take all the glory, now can I?”

“She’s...waiting for us?” I replied as I was taken back by this revelation. “She knew we were coming?”

“The Dark God sees all, you silly little pony. He has eyes and ears everywhere. Did you honestly believe that we wouldn’t have noticed you scurrying about? Luna has known you were coming for quite some time and she even knows about the Relic of Harmony you’ve got with you. I’m sure she’ll want to thank you personally for saving her trouble of having to find it and destroy it on her own.” The Chaos mareine paused briefly, a black armoured hoof reaching up and tapping her chin thoughtfully. “In fact, I might be willing to make a compromise and meet you ponies half-way. I’ll allow the Inquisitor to go on ahead to meet with Luna but the rest of you will have to stay here and...entertain me.”

Everything about her offer reeked of treachery and deception but at the same time time was of the essence. Since this wasn’t a decision I wanted to make lightly, I turned to my cohorts for their advice. “What do you girls think?” I whispered.

“Ah don’t like it. It’s too convenient,” Applejack said as she motioned for the rest of us to gather in a huddle. “But at the same time, it might be our only good option.”

Rainbow Dash didn’t like it either, though her suggestion was fairly straight-forward. “I say we just rush her and clean her clock. When ponies stand together, there’s no obstacle too great.”

“Why’s that? You’ve tackled larger numbers all on your own,” the commissar riposted. “If we try to take her all at once, she’ll just delay us and by the time we get to Luna, Twilight could be exhausted or worse. What’s important is getting Twilight and the relic to Luna. The rest of us will try to take this mareine down as quickly as possible and join up with you.”

“And what if it’s just a trick? Traitors are nothing but liars and cheats. There could be a whole squad waiting up above.”

“I am insulted you would call me a liar,” the Chaos mareine interjected after overhearing Dash’s last remarks. The fact that her tone did not waver in the slightest suggested that she was not as offended as her words suggested. “I don’t mind such accusations when that is the case but this would not be one of those moments. Chaosmistress Luna is waiting for you the command center - alone. Now this is a limited time offer so I suggest you make a decision quickly before I make it for you.”

I could have listened to Applejack and Rainbow Dash bounce arguments back and forth for hours but the moment called for decisiveness. “Fine, I’ll go,” I replied in a hurry. I knew it was more than likely to be a trap of some fashion but there was no time to waste dealing with lackeys. I had confidence in the abilities of my teammates and I had faith that the Empress would provide for us...somehow. Despite a growing sense of unease, I trudged on, pausing only briefly as I stood before the Chaos mareine. To my surprise she seemed to keep her word, stepping to the side and pointing me towards the stairs on the far side. I knew this was going to be a mistake but my only hope at this point was to capitalize on their overconfidence.

As Twilight’s departure leaves a unfortunate gap in the narrative, I’ve been forced to rely on alternate sources to provide an account of what transpired between the Chaos mareine and the remaining ponies. After some searching, I did manage to find a report filed away in the archives. The bad news, however, is that it is from Rainbow Dash so it’s not so much a report as it is her rambling into a vox recorder for several minutes. I’ve attempted to tidy up the transcript as best I could but I wanted to try and preserve as much of the original entry as possible.

I can’t believe that [Twilight] just went and ignored my advice! This was a Chaos mareine we were dealing with; you could trust them about as far as you could throw them. Sure, the mareine did actually step aside and let the Inquisitor continue upstairs but she had no way of knowing what was waiting for her. For all she knew, Luna had an entire squad of mareines with heavies(8) pre-sighted for the top of the stairs. That’s what I would have done. [Sigh] But there was no point trying to talk sense into that mare now. If she wanted to get smoked by Luna all on her own then that was fine by me. It just meant I had to do more work when I kicked Luna’s hindquarter myself.

Once Twilight was gone, I figured there was no point in waiting for a written invitation to get the party started. Between the five of us, I could only truly count on Rarity and Applejack to be of any help. Pinkie just lacked the instinct necessary for diffusing hostile ponies and Private Fluttershy was just...well, one look and I could already tell she was completely terrified of the Chaos mareine. She couldn’t even serve as a half-decent distraction. [Inaudible muttering] but that doesn’t excuse her earlier behaviour. But I guess that’s why Applejack brought her along in the first place.

So with this Chaos mareine standing before us, I stepped forward and I said to her, “Before I love and tolerate you into a coma, care to introduce yourself? You know, just so I know what to put down on my scrolls later.”

The mareine just responded with this most infuriating of laughs and then said, “Spoken like a true lap dog of the Empress.” Thank Celestia she took that opportunity to slip on her helmet so I didn’t have to continue staring at that insane grin of hers. “I am Shadowbolt the Marauder; the scourge of a thousand worlds! Champion of Discord! Master of Pegasi and the crop of the Lunar Legion! And before I send you crying back to your pathetic ghost of an Empress, I shall show you what true despair is.” And ponies have complained that I have an ego.

If there’s one thing you can count on from a traitor mareine, it’s that they’ll never pass up an opportunity to gloat. That just gave me the few extra seconds I needed to properly size her up. Mark IV Maremus(11) power barding; structural weak points at the throat latch, inner elbow, hip joints, and wing ports. Durable but less responsive compared to Alicorn barding. Severing the exposed power cable just below the crest plate at the withers would cripple power supply to the helmet, forcing her to remove it and making her vulnerable to small arms fire. The seize pistol strapped to her left hoof, however, would be problematic. None of us had heavy armour so even a glancing hit would put us out of the fight.

I asked Rarity if she remembered how we dealt with those Thousand Mares traitors back on the Albedo. To which she said that she remembered but reminded me that back on the Albedo we also had a half-dozen Adjudicators supporting us. The plan was still perfectly valid since we were only dealing with a lone mareine rather than a hundred of them.

“Just wait for your opening,” I told Rarity. “Pinkie, stay back and watch over Private [Fluttershy]. AJ, you’re with me!” I knew Applejack was just as itching to show that Chaos mareine the Empress’ love so we charged forward together.

Naturally, I reached [Shadowbolt] first and I rammed her at full speed. It didn’t work out quite as well as I had planned. She not only withstood the impact but actually managed to bring me to a halt, locking her hooves against mine. Using her combined strength and weight, she flew upwards and redirected all my force straight into the floor...face-first. Applejack had more success as I heard a loud clang a second later and the mareine went flying across the room. Just as she regained control of her tumble mid-flight, I crashed-tackled her from below, driving her straight into the ceiling. Unfortunately, she wasn’t as stunned as I had hoped she would be; she kicked me off and returned the favour and driving me into the floor like a tent stake. Not the best way to start a fight.

Once again, Applejack used the distraction as an opportunity to get the drop on the traitor. The commissar went in with both hooves kicking. I have to admit, AJ’s pretty good when it comes to hoof-to-hoof combat.(13) I wouldn’t have pegged any regular earth pony as being able to hold their own against a Chaos mareine but AJ was pulling it off. The Equestrian Guard needed more ponies like her [Heavy sigh and inaudible mumbling followed by prolonged silence].

Where was I again? Oh, right. Applejack and Shadowbolt. Anyways, while AJ kept the mareine busy I was able to scrap myself off the floor and proceeded to jump upon her back, hooking my hooves around her throat and left elbow.

I shouted for Rarity as I kept the traitor contained. Seeing what we were up to, AJ joined in, tackling the mareine’s hind legs and bringing her crashing to the ground. We were able to keep Shadowbolt pinned as our tech-pony’s extra limbs went straight for the exposed power cable just beneath the crest plate. Despite her strength, the mareine couldn’t get the necessary leverage to buck either of us off until it was too late. One of Rarity’s buzzsaw plunged into the gap between the armour plates and sheered the cable in half, disrupting the power supply to the traitor’s helmet.

“That will avail you nothing!” the mareine shouted back. It’s always a good sign when a Chaos mareines starts taunting you about inevitability. It was a sure-fire sign that you had gotten under their skin. And I would be annoyed too if somepony had cut power to my helmet, effectively blinding me. But even blind she was still a threat as eventually used her free hoof to prop herself up. She knocked Rarity off by unfurling her wings and then flew straight up, slipping out of AJ’s grasp, to slam me into the ceiling. This did knock me off but I managed to grab hold of her wing and brought her down with me. However, I forgot that AJ was still below us and we both landed atop of the commissar. “You wish to do this the hard way?” the Chaos mareine said just before she removed her helmet. “Very well, we do this the hard way!”

Like there was ever an ‘easy way’ with traitor mareines.

It became quite obvious that she had been merely stalling us for whatever reason. Now that she was angry, she really got into the fight. That just made it more interesting. First she grabbed AJ by the tail and pitched her into Rarity; then she grabbed me by the wing and hurled me headlong towards Pinkie Pie. As I lay at her hooves, I asked when she was going to get around to actually helping us.

“I thought I was supposed to just cheer from the sidelines,” Pinkie answered, apparently following my orders to the letter. Goddess, it’s so hard to tell when that pony’s being serious or not. Pinkie even added in, “And I’ve been watching the private just like you said - she hasn’t moved an inch!” [Frustrated sigh] And that last part wasn’t an exaggeration either. The private was still curled into the same fetal position as she was from the very start. I would have screamed at that pegasus to do something but I had bigger ponies to fry.

“Well...just shoot!” I figured if Pinkie Pie was going to trot around with a cannon on her back, the least she could do was make use of it. In fact, since the Chaos mareine was helmetless and thus had a major weak point, we all opened fire on her. Well, the others opened fire. I had to just sit there and wait. Made me regret wasting all my ammo on the heretics. [Frustrated cry] Even with most of us shooting, that blasted mareine just shielded herself with her wings. Those useless Equestrian Guard weapons did absolutely nothing! We might as well have been shining flashlights on her.

The only thing that made this all worse was I could tell what she was about to do next. I could see it coming a mile away but there wasn’t a darn thing I could do about it. The very instant our guns ran dry, the pegasus reared up, a black aura forming around her, and slammed both hooves down. That black aura then exploded into a shower of energy bolts that went whizzing through the air every direction [Dash makes several whooshing sounds]. Of course, I had no trouble dodging any of the oncoming energy bolts. Rarity wasn’t quite so lucky. It must have been a fear-inducing spell because the moment she got hit, she just curled into a ball and began trembling uncontrollably and whimpering. Kind of like [Fluttershy] except with a valid excuse.

Pinkie managed to dodge the bolts that got passed me and then said, “I thought only unicorns could cast magic!” Rules like that didn’t exactly apply to ponies that lived in a dimension where there weren’t any.(14) But I wasn’t going to be intimidated by a little warp sorcery and thankfully neither was Applejack.

We charged Shadowbolt in a pincer-manoeuvre. Once again, though, AJ couldn’t match my speed so I wound up reaching the traitor first, making the whole tactic pointless since she just struck at me first. Shadowbolt was fast, I’ll give that much. Even in Mark IV armour she reacted swiftly, blocking my strikes and forcing me to back off with a few kicks of her own. Applejack didn’t have any better luck. She hit the mareine with a full-force kick but Shadowbolt had braced herself and barely budged an inch. The commissar didn’t even get to mutter an ‘uh-oh’ before being hit by a seize bolt at point-blank range.

Guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that it was all up to me at that point. “It appears you’re running out of friends,” Shadowbolt taunted. Just thinking about the smug grin that was plastered across her face makes me so mad I could just scream! [Recording abruptly stops then resumes a moment later]

As I was saying, it was down to just me and Shadowbolt. Some ponies might have been scared but I wasn’t. Not one bit! If anything, the odds just made the challenge all the more appealing. “I don’t need friends just to deal with trash like you!” I told her.

And she replied, “Good. Stubborn foes are much more satisfying.”

If stubborn foes made her happy then I was going to make her day. I charged straight at her but while she was expecting another crash tackle, instead I changed course at the last second and flew over her head. While she was still busy kicking at the air I used to be in, I swooped around and snatched Applejack’s pistol. I wasn’t going to win by strength alone so I took to the air and start blasting laze bolts at her. All I need was a solid hit to the brain-box and she’d be sound asleep. Shadowbolt took to the air too and it became a pegasus duel! Spitfire had an entire chapter of her training codex dedicated to pegasus dueling tactics and I knew that chapter like the back of my hoof. Of course those chapters were written with a lot more space in mind but there was enough room in the chamber for me to manoeuvre. No pegasus in the Ultraponies was better at a duel than me. Okay, maybe Chapter Master Hurricane but...oh, never mind. This isn’t about her!

I started with the rolling scissors, followed by an inverted wing breaker but Shadowbolt managed to keep pace, countering with a high-pitch influx pinwheel. Laze and seize bolts were flying all over the room but we were moving faster than our bolts could fly. Then, we both fell into a diamond-nosed sweep!(15) What are the odds that we would both choose the same manoeuvre at the exact same time? Goddess, if she weren’t my enemy I would have been high-hoofing that pegasus. It was obvious that she knew all the tricks in the trade so I pulled out a move from my own personal playbook, the rainbow blitz! [Disappointed groan] But I should have realized there wasn’t enough airspace in the room to pull off that kind of a stunt. Half-way through the manoeuvre I got clipped in the wing by one of her shots. From there it was a one-way, non-stop trip to Floorville. I still can’t believe she managed to hit me. She must have been cheating somehow!(16)

When I tried to get up, Shadowbolt landed next to me, kicked my pistol away, then planted a hoof right atop my good wing. Without my power barding, I didn’t have the strength to force my way free. That darn mareine had me pinned to the ground.

Then the craziest thing happened. Just as Shadowbolt was ready to render me comatose, Pinkie let out an ear-piercing cry of ‘wait!’ And the mareine didn’t shoot. It was probably more out of morbid curiosity than actually heeding the priestess’ instructions.

Shadowbolt just looked to the priestess, who then began this impassioned plea, “Think about what you’re doing! Can’t you see all the misery and suffering you’re causing? How can you look at yourself in the mirror and not become distraught at this shell of a pony you’ve become?” I’m not sure which one of us was more confused by the priestess but Shadowbolt was at least holding her fire for the moment. And Pinkie Pie didn’t stop despite our puzzled looks. “Look at what you have become! You were once the pride of all the Equestrium, championing the cause of friendship and harmony. Can’t you look inside your heart and see that what you’re doing goes against every tiny little moral fibre in your being?”

Unsurprisingly, Shadowbolt couldn’t help but laugh at the remarks and eventually replied, “In all my years, I must admit that this is definitely a first. I have stared down squads of space mareines and companies of Equestrian Guards, stood firm against tanks, and gone hoof-to-hoof against the most wretched xenos this galaxy has to offer. Are you honestly trying to guilt me into submission?”

Despite having a seize pistol leveled at her, Pinkie Pie simply grinned and chuckled as though there was some joke we were both missing. “No, I’m just distracting you.”

We both just muttered a ‘what’ in response before noticing a hint of movement just a few feet to Pinke’s left. A flash of pale light accompanied the crackling hiss of super-chilled air, the unmistakable cry of a freeza gun. Shadowbolt tried to fly out of the way but she far too late and her hindquarter was caught in the stream of molecularized coolant, flash freezing the mareine from the hip down.

Shadowbolt was stunned, as was I, when she saw that it was Private [Fluttershy] holding the freeza gun. And did the guardpony ever look pissed; I’m talking ‘Luna just kicked my puppy’ level of rage. If hate could burn she would have set that entire spire on fire. And the private was not quiet about it either. “How dare you!” she started off, stepping closer to Shadowbolt with each word. The mareine tried to raise her pistol but was simply hit with another blast from the freeza gun, encasing the entire limb in ice. “How dare you hurt my friends!”

I think the mareine was still in denial that such courage could come so suddenly. “This...that’s not possible. How could you-”

“Not another word!” [Fluttershy] interrupted her as she shoved her freeza’s barrel into the mareine’s face. “I don’t care who you are or how many planets don’t like you, that does not give you the right to treat ponies that way, especially my friends! Now you are going to keep quiet and we are going to get you the treatment you need or, Celestia help me, I will see to it that they haul you into rehab as a pony-popsicle!”

Unsurprisingly, even under such a threat the mareine wouldn’t be silent. “And be turned back into another mindless puppet of that useless sack of flesh you call an Empress? I’d rather be frozen for eternity.”

I could tell that the guardpony wanted to pull the trigger and wipe that smirk off her face with a cyrogenic blast. But the private was merciful, a kindness I certainly would have not have given the traitor. “You were supposed to be the best of us. How could you turn your back to the Empress?”

“Wonder instead how she could have turned her back on all of us.”

I was half-expecting the guardpony to deep-freeze the mareine but she never got the opportunity. An echoing cry of ‘Girls!’ in the familiar voice of our Inquisitor diverted all our attention away from the mareine. In that brief instant, Shadowbolt conjured up one last spell and teleported herself back into the warp. And that is why we don’t show traitors mercy until after they’ve been treated. Still, the mareine was gone and that was all that mattered, even though three out of the five of us were currently on our backsides. Thankfully, though, that was when Twilight showed up.

Rainbow Dash’s audio log goes on for quite a bit longer but I’ve always found her record of events to be a bit ego-centric and sometimes factually incorrect.

I’ll be the first to admit that agreeing to the Chaos mareine’s terms was probably not the wisest decision I’ve made in my career. In fact, an older version of myself would have smacked the younger me for going along with it. But in my arrogant youth, I figured that my faith and magic would be enough to see me through and that Luna’s arrogance would be her undoing. While in a way that wound up being the truth, I could have avoided a lot of trouble and fright if I had simply stuck with my compatriots from the very start. My decision was final, however, and even though it left a bad feeling in my gut, I pressed forward past the Chaos mareine and continued to the stairs.

The stairwell was long and narrow, wrapping around the circumference of the lower chamber in a steep ascent. Behind me, I could hear the faint whispers of the conversation going on between Dash and the others and though I had only traveled a few meters, it felt as though they were a whole world away. The acoustics in the stairwell were worse than the narrow halls would have suggested. It wasn’t long until the only sounds I could hear were my own hoofsteps and my ever-increasing heart rate. Initially, I had wondered if Luna was even in the tower but that truth became evident very quickly. I could feel the fluctuations in the currents of warp around me; the fabric of reality trembling as badly as my own hooves. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t scared. Fear seemed to be taking root despite my efforts to keep calm and by the time I reached the top of the steps, it was a battle of wills just to take each step.

And as promised, standing in the center of the glass-domed command center was Chaosmistress Luna. She was...much taller than I had envisioned. I knew the primare alicorns were said to stand head and shoulders above even the greatest of ponies but Luna took that to an entirely new level. A normal alicorn stood at twice my size easily but being clad in pitch-black adjudicator barding(17) made her a towering giant compared to me. What was most surprisingly, though, was the fact that she didn’t seem to be undertaking any kind of ritual whatsoever. Luna was just standing there; a thought made more unsettling by the Chaos mareine’s earlier revelation that the Chaosmistress had been expecting my arrival. She had been waiting for me and apparently knew the line of reasoning that would take me to the spire. Was I truly that predictable?

“Thou must be the Inquisitor,” the alicorn spoke, the glowing optics of her helmet casting an almost paralyzing gaze upon me. “And we see thou hast even brought the Relic of Harmony with you.” If she was in any way concerned about the relic, her booming voice masked it entirely.

“T-that’s right,” I replied. Unlike Luna, I did not have the resonance to mask the fear that had crept up my throat. “And I’m fully prepared to use it if you don’t stop this invasion at once and return to the warp.”

Luna simply chortled in response. A very faint and brief one but it was enough to make most of my remaining willpower evaporate in an instant. “We would be willing to allow thou to giveth it thy best attempt.”

Oh sweet Celestia, she was actually goading me to use the relic. A smarter pony would have seen this as an immediate red flag and backed off but in my arrogance I went ahead and began channeling my magic into the relic. I could feel the ancient machination begin to come to life; the energy flowed through its conduits, slowly magnifying in intensity. But suddenly, just as the energy began to grow exponentially, it suddenly collapsed and dissipated like a house of cards falling apart under its own weight. The magical backlash that hit me was just as much a surprise but at least it was more shocking that it was painful, like a smack to the face; a smack with a lead-lined boot but a smack nonetheless. It was enough to knock me over and leave me grasping to regain my mental faculties.

“Oh dear, thou seems to have botched it most royally,” Luna mocked with another chuckle. “If thou art finished, we would ask if thou would be willing to spare thyself further humiliation and simply surrender the relic to us.”

I think term ‘bowel-clenching terror’ would be the most apt to describe my feelings at that instant. Not only had my trump card failed, it had blown up in my face. Yet despite every voice in my head screaming at me to run or surrender, I somehow managed to stammer out, “N-never! I’ll never give it up!”

“Most unwise,” Luna answered before leaping into the air. Massive mechanical wings unfurled as she was propelled skyward, moving faster than anything that large should be able to. I barely have enough time to react, teleporting myself away just as she came crashing down upon my position. Since I hadn’t taken the time to aim my spell, I re-materialized at a random location that was, sadly, only a few steps behind the alicorn. The metal ball at the end of her tail caught me in the flank, sending me tumbling across the command chamber. Either she had been toying with me or she hadn’t realize I was behind her until her tail hit me because it was not a full-force hit, as evident by the fact that I was able to stand up immediately afterwards.

“This is bad...very, very bad,” I muttered under my breath. I tried the Relic of Harmony once again, channeling my magic through the ancient device but before I could build up a charge, I saw Luna was preparing a spell of her own. Out of desperation, I redirected my focus into a spell, a bolt of disarray, and fired it at the Chaosmistress. But my magic couldn’t hold a torch to Luna’s, whose empowered horn was able to repulse the spell as easily as one would bat aside an annoying insect. After effortlessly dispatching my spell, Luna countered with one of her own, hitting me with a black bolt of lightning.

And then I felt...numb. I felt no joy, no hope, no energy, no will. All that essence had been replaced with a cold, empty pit of misery in my heart. Even my body seemed to lose all hope and will as my legs gave out and I collapsed into a whimpering heap. “It’s no use,” I murmured as I tried to keep the tears from building up. “She’s just too strong.” Even though the words came from my lips, they felt vulgar and foreign to me, as if some unseen power had shoved them down my throat. In my mind I knew this was the work of warp sorcery but it seemed as though nothing could stop the pervasive despair from taking over. I felt as though I were drowning in sorrow, mentally thrashing for something to keep me from being pulled under. “I...I don’t want it to end like this. I don’t want to be alone...”

And that was when my rational mind managed to find a life-preserver. It clung onto the word ‘alone’ because my rational mind knew that I was not alone. I had whole entourage of ponies just a floor below fighting with all their might so they can join me. Then, as if Celestia herself turned on a beacon inside me, a flash of inspiration flooded through me. The reason that I had been allowed to proceed alone was because they knew from the start that the Relic of Harmony wouldn’t work when used alone! It’s very name should have made it obvious as harmony cannot exist in an individual - it was the cohesion of many joined together in singular purpose that created harmony. The Relic of Harmony was never intended to elevate one pony above others but to lead from the front.

“Give us the relic and thy suffering will end,” Luna spoke, now standing before me with an outstretched hoof.

Clinging onto my last hope, I mustered every ounce of willpower I could to counter Luna’s spell. “Never!” I bellowed as I unleashed another spell. Ethereal chains erupted from the warp and began latching around the surprised alicorn.

“Thou only delay the inevitable,” she growled as she struggled against the magical bindings. It wouldn’t hold her for long but I only needed a few seconds to get away. I had to get back to my compatriots...no, my friends.

With renewed hope, I bolted for the stairs, calling out to my friends all the while. I found my friends tired but victorious over their Chaos mareine opponent. “Celestia’s horn, are you girls okay?” I called out as I raced over to Rainbow Dash, who was laying on her backside with a dazed look in her eyes.

“I’ll be fine, it’s AJ and Rarity that need your help,” the mareine insisted as she pointed over to the others. Both Applejack and Rarity were completely incapacitated, one locked in a catatonic seizure and the other trembling in terror. I knew not what horrors they had to endure in their fight but a quick purifying spell was able to alleviate my friends’ conditions.

“Hey Twi...did we win yet?” Applejack groaned when I helped her back up. “Is Luna gone?”

Unfortunately, there wasn’t a need to break the bad news to my friends as a loud roar from above shook the entire spire. A second later there was an even louder lightning-like crash, which I assumed was Luna breaking free from her bindings. I only managed a sheepish grin before motioning for everypony to gather close. “Here’s the short of it,” I explained as quickly as I could, “I need your help to defeat Luna and to do that-”

Too bad there wasn’t an opportunity to finish my explanation as Luna decided to forgo using the stairs and simply came crashing through the ceiling. Almost half a tonne of ceramite and adamaretium-clad alicorn smashed into the floor before us, nearly knocking all of us off our footing. “Insolent foals! Thou does not understand the powers thou toy with! We shall plunge thy world into eternal darkness and feast upon your misery!” Luna must have known that I had deduced the secrets of the Relic and now she was truly acting in desperation. That only served to harden my resolve. But before we could act, she unleashed another black bolt of lightning.

“No!” Dash cried as she flew to the front and throw herself into the oncoming spell. But the spell never made contact, instead it splashed harmlessly around her as if hitting an invisible bubble encasing the pegasus. At first I thought this must have been some kind of miracle from Celestia but then I saw the pendant around Dash’s neck begin to shimmer faintly.

“Pinkie, you never mentioned that your lucky pendant was a magic ward!” I exclaimed.(18)

“You mean...it’s not lucky?” the priestess replied, sounding almost devastated at this revelation. Tears were even beginning to collect in the corner of her eyes. “You mean...I’m not specially chosen by Celestia?”

“A magic ward?” Dash repeated with a bright grin spreading across her visage. “Hahaha! That means you can’t touch me with your fancy warp spells, Luna! What’cha going to do now, hm? Are you going to go running back to Discord in tears?” Dash continued her mockery by assuming her best Luna impersonation. “Oh Discord, Rainbow Dash was so meaneth to us! She’s too clever and fast and good-looking!”

Agents of Chaos were never known for their sense of humour as evident by the speed in which Luna leveled her hoof-mounted jokester at Dash. Magic wards were about as useful as wishful thinking against solid ammunition. But before Luna could fire, Fluttershy rushed forward and blasted the jokester with a stream of cryogenic gases.

“Quick, buy me some time,” I ordered as I stepped back to focus my magic.

The other ponies surged forward with Pinkie blinding the Chaosmistress with a shot from her party cannon. With Luna stunned, Rarity and Fluttershy went after the legs, with the tech-pony grabbing the hind legs with her mechadendrites and Fluttershy icing over the front legs. Lastly, Rainbow and Applejack kicked the Chaosmistress in tandem, knocking the giant alicorn over in thunderous crash.

All the while I was charging the Relic of Harmony with my magic. “Girls, get over here!” I shouted out when I felt the collective energy nearing the critical point where it failed before. Like harmony itself, the relic needed other ponies in order to reach its full potential. It needed ponies that embodied the elements of harmony: loyalty, kindness, generosity, honesty, and laughter. It was exactly what all my friends had been telling me before; when ponies stood together in service to the Empress, there was no challenge they could not overcome. As my friends gathered around, the energy contained within the Relic of Harmony began to grow exponentially, as if drawing energy from them while at the same time using their natural spiritual energies to maintain stability. A brilliant white aura began to radiate outwards from my horn, gradually encapsulating my entourage and soon afterwards bathed the entire room in light.

“This...this avails you naught! Thy magic shall never best ours!” Luna shouted as she broke free her ice-bound legs.

But these were the final desperate words of a desperate mare. I felt as though the very essence of the God-Empress herself was flowing through me. Never before had I felt such power - so righteous, so pure, so uncompromising. Reality did not just bend to my will, it yielded at my very presence. I dared not even contemplate what I could do with such power at my command out of fear that the very thought would unleash said power like an uncontrollable tidal wave. It was equal parts terrifying and euphoric but in hindsight I could take some comfort in that fear. It meant that I had not become so intoxicated with power that I had lost sight of my purpose and duty. My will would not waver; my purpose was clear.

“Your hatred is annulled,” my voice resonated throughout the spire. “Feel the Empress’ love, apostate, and be stricken from this world!”

If Luna had any kind of response, her voice was drowned out by the thundering roar as I unleashed the full force of the Relic of Harmony.

“Boy howdy, Ah gotta admit Twilight...for a second Ah thought we were all gonna get sent to the loony bin,” Applejack said, trying to hide her embarrassment behind a forced laugh. I suppose that was her way of admitting and apologizing for harbouring doubt. A straight-up ‘sorry’ was probably out of the question but I wasn’t seeking any kind of apology from the commissar. After all, I was also guilty of having harboured doubts, not just in myself but in the rest of my team. My doubts about Fluttershy had been horribly misplaced and I had yet to apologize for them but in the aftermath of the spire assault, every pony in the city has had their hooves full restoring order. With the exception of Applejack and Chance-a-lot, I hadn’t seen any of the assault team in the past week.

Speaking of Chance-a-lot, he and his team had put up one hay of a fight in that corridor. When we finally emerged from the elevator, we had found the sergeant as the sole stallion standing in a hallway filled with sleeping or unconscious ponies. He was covered head to hoof in cupcake frosting but still managed a cheery smile upon seeing us. Somehow he still had that cigar in his mouth too. And all he had to say to us was, “Back already? I was just starting to getting cozy with my new friend.” Said ‘friend’ was a heretic pony he had in a headlock who was still flailing helplessly against the giant pony’s grip.

“I’m just glad it’s over,” I said with a relieved sigh as I followed the commissar into Fort Sweet Apple’s main redoubt. “What’s the latest report from Colonel Macintosh?”

“Colonel says now that Chaosmistress Luna is gone and the rift is closed, those Chaos ponies are trapped on Ponyville,” Applejack reported with not even a feigned attempt to hide her amusement at our enemies’ plight. “Captain Apple Fritter is handling the mop-up operations but we’ve already pushed most of them Chaos ponies out of the city. They were last seen running with their tails between their legs heading north-east...probably to take shelter in the Everfree forests.” Something about the Everfree forest made the commissar burst into a hearty laugh. By the time she had managed to calm down enough for me to get a word in, we had boarded a lift and began a slow descent into the bowels of the fortress.

“What’s so funny about the Everfree forest? Won’t hiding in the woods make it harder for us to apprehend them?”

“Heheh, let’s just say the residents of the Everfree forest will be a might bit upset to find a bunch o’ new neighbors squatting on their lands.” She chuckled again but this time managed to keep it from getting too carried away. I was tempted to pry for more details but I had enough to deal with without contemplating the other inhabitants of the planet. If someone else wanted to deal with the Chaos ponies then that saved us some work and gave us the freedom to focus more efforts on rebuilding.

Keeping our guardponies close to the city was all the more important given the number of prisoners we had taken during our brief conflict with Chaos. The Adeptus Arbites(19) on Ponyville had already sent a missive to their superiors for the necessary transport to relocate all the prisoners to another planet for treatment and rehabilitation. Ponyville’s treatments centers simply weren’t equipped to handle so many cases and time was always important when it came to treating a pony for Chaos corruption. The longer a pony spent under the influence of Chaos, the harder it was to remove.

Applejack and I disembarked the elevator, proceeding into the lowest reaches of the fortress. Judging by the dust and poor lighting, it was safe to assume that few ponies ever made use of this old section of the fortress, which only better served my intentions. I quickly conjured up a small glowing orb for some lumination so I wouldn’t accidentally trip over a random pipe or exposed conduit. “Hey Twilight, might Ah be a bit honest with you for a second?”

“Since when have you ever been anything but honest?” I replied with a small giggle even though AJ sounded entirely serious.

“Ah just...this don’t feel right, y’know? Ponies deserve to know what happened at the spire.”

Though the exasperated sigh I released might have suggested a sense of annoyance, I had long expected this line of questioning. In fact, I was more surprised that Applejack hadn’t said anything sooner. As an Inquisitor, I had her absolute trust but that was only because it was required by Equestrial law. As a fellow pony, her concerns were understandable and I had prepared an answer long in advance. “What transpired on the spire is a matter of the Her Majesty’s Inquisition. It has been rendered classified for the security of every pony involved. You and all the other ponies that came with me are under strict orders not to breath so much as a word of it to anypony else. As far as any pony is concerned, Luna was defeated and sent back into the warp.”

Our walk through the dimly lit corridor came to an end at a massive steel door, flanked on each side by a towering Praetorian-class sentinel-pony.(20) The two machinations stirred to life, their lifeless optics fixating on Applejack and I, followed soon after by the barrels of their twin-linked jokester cannons. “Halt. Identification required,” the machines chimed in unison.

“Twilight Sparkle, omega-level clearance authorization Inquisition Ordo Harmonious.”

“Omega-level clearance authorized. Standing down.”

“Ah know it’s for our own safety but Ah just...” Applejack groaned quietly as she tried to gather her thoughts. With the steer door unlocking to the chorus of thumping mag-locks and they hiss of depressurizing heavy-duty clamps as they released, conversation was rendered pointless. Even the slow, reverberating grind of the door sliding open made it hard to hear around us. It was a long, grueling minute before the noise died down enough for AJ to continue voicing her concerns. “Ah just don’t like the idea of lying to everypony like this. Was it really a smart idea to give Rainbow Dash the credit for defeating Luna?”

“The official report states that Rainbow Dash and ‘a member of the Inquisition’ were responsible for defeating Luna. I can’t let my name get out - I have to maintain a certain degree of secrecy after all,” I explained. Putting Dash’s name on the report was necessary in order to give it credibility. Would any pony have believed it if I had said that a squad of Equestrian guards were able to defeat the greatest villain of the past one hundred centuries? And I couldn’t say that it was the work of a squad of space mareines because there were only a half-dozen of them on the planet and all but one of them could be accounted for. There was no shortage of witnesses and public fanfare to make it impossible to accredit Luna’s defeat to the other mareines. The more ponies I got involved in this elaborate lie, the more difficult it would be to maintain so it was easier to just give credit to Rainbow Dash, who unsurprisingly had no qualms about it. Even if I hadn’t given Dash the credit, historians inevitably would give it to her years down the road - space mareines always got the credit in major victories. It made for better holo-vids. “Besides, it’s a matter of safety. No pony is going to try and go after a space mareine for revenge. You or Fluttershy or Pinkie Pie, on the other hoof, are relatively easier targets.”

“And what about this?” Applejack said as she motioned towards the open door ahead of us. “How do you think Dash or the others would react if they found out that instead of handing Luna over to the Inquisitional authorities like you said you would, y’all decided to lock her up in mah basement!”

“It’s too dangerous to move her elsewhere and the more ponies that know about her, the more dangerous it becomes. That’s why this has to stay between us, Commissar. If ponies found out that we’ve still got Luna, you can count on every Chaos pony on the planet trying to break down your door,” I reassured my friend as we headed inside.

It was hard to find a dungeon suitable enough to contain a pony as powerful as Luna but the old dungeon of Fort Sweet Apples had all the basic necessities. Bound by enchanted chains and contained within a prison cell charmed by the most powerful magic wards I could produce, the former Chaosmistress of the Lunar Legion looked more like a caged animal than a prisoner of war. Without her armour she was much smaller, though still a towering figure compared to us. Dark turquoise eyes fixated on Applejack and I as we entered the room, yet the alicorn remained silent.

“Even without her horn, y’all sure this will be enough?” Applejack asked, her own eyes unable to stop staring at the stump on Luna’s forehead. Removing her horn was one of the first steps I took in securing the prisoner - without it, it was far more difficult for her to channel the powers of the warp. Combined with the magic wards, she would be unable to summon the dark powers to do her bidding.

“It will,” I nodded. “Just think of the possibilities Applejack. We’ve already taken down Luna...but what if we could save her as well? What if we could give the Empress back her sister? What if we could give the Equestrium back its Goddess? To have Celestia walking amongst mortals once more!” I don’t think any pony would have ever dreamed of accomplishing such a feat. To bring back Empress Celestia would be to return the Equestrium back to the Golden Age when all ponies under the stars knew peace and harmony. What risk wasn’t worth that kind of a possibility? I knew the personal ramifications I would endure if my superiors discovered my plans but I was willing to shoulder that burden when the time came.

If only I had known what the true cost would be...

Footnotes:
1) Space Mareines undergo magic rituals that extend their natural lifespan. Though Rainbow Dash was likely somewhere in her early forties, she was still considered barely an adult by mareine standards. It’s not uncommon for a mareine to reach ages in excess of three hundred years.
2) Rarity was able to download an electronic copy of the spire’s blueprint before our departure.
3) Ponyville’s Orbital Spire measure roughly 12.2km in height, though similar spires on other planets reach even higher.
4) A heavy weapon that utilizes pressurized cryogenic gas to flash-freeze heavily-armoured targets and vehicles. Fluttershy apparently prefers it because it’s quieter compared to other weapons.
5) First rule of peace-keeping: if everything is going according to plan, you’re walking into a trap.
6) Unlike the ‘militia myth’ pushed forward by a lot of holo-vids, experience has taught me that the average pony can’t tell the difference between a stick and the business end of a muffin-stubber, let alone how to properly operate one.
7) Moreso considering the other mareine was a part of the Lunar Legion, who are considered the arch-nemesis and antithesis of the Ultraponies.
8) Space mareine jargon for a heavy jokester, which are a high-caliber, belt-fed variant of the standard jokester gun.
9) Whether by intention or ignorance, Rainbow Dash continued referring to Fluttershy as ‘Private Pansy’ throughout the audio log.
10) Since this was part of Dash’s personal audiologs, she didn’t always keep her language clean. I’ve censored her profanities since this book could be read by children.
11) As Chaos tends to rely on raiding and stealing to acquire materials, their technological development hasn’t progressed much in the past ten thousand years. As such, most are still using the same weapons they had during the Luna Heresy, as opposed to the Mark VII ‘Alicorn’ barding used by modern mareines.
12) Seize weapons use a high-density energy pulse to overload the systems, both organic and mechanical, of its target. Victims of seize weapons typically fall into a spastic or catatonic seizure, unable to move their limbs for several hours. Excellent for dealing with armour that can’t be penetrated by regular lazeguns.
13) Commissar Applejack was actually considered one of the best hoof-boxers in the entire sector.
14) Chaos Mareines blessed by Discord can possess limited sorcery, though unicorns are still far superior.
15) If you have any idea what Rainbow Dash is talking about, feel free to let me know. I swear she makes these names up as she goes along.
16) Perhaps if Rainbow Dash had studied her history more she would have known that Shadowbolt served as part of Luna’s personal honour guard during the Great Crsuade and was later made First Captain of the Legion, the first pegasus to achieve such a rank. This made her one of Luna’s most trusted and capable subordinates.
17) A heavier, more powerful version of power barding. It is so heavy, in fact, that only the primares were strong enough to fly or move effortlessly in it.
18) Most high-level priests are given a Celestial medallion that also functions as a magic ward. And likewise, most aren’t told of this added feature...
19) The organization responsible for enforcing Equestrial law across the whole galaxy. They also oversee all the treatment and rehabilitation centers for Chaos-tainted ponies.
20) Bigger, meaner, and even more likely to mistake a normal pony for an enemy.

Bonus: Lt. Ditzy Doo's Rules of Conduct

Lt. Ditzy Doo’s Rules of Conduct

Somepony once asked me ‘what’s the most important thing you learned during your years of service?’ I couldn’t limit it to any one thing aside from the obvious ‘don’t panic’ so I decided to make a list of the important lessons I’ve learned through years of experience.

Not allowed to watch holo-vids while I’m supposed to be working
Not allowed to ‘borrow’ the CO’s personal recaf maker, even on the commissar’s orders
When driving the Red Hares, I am not allowed to ‘try something I saw in a holo-vid’
When driving the Red Hares, I am not allowed to use the radio to broadcast PSA’s
The Red Hare does not have a flux capacitor and I should stop making up mechanical problems that don’t exist.
Briefing reports are not to begin with ‘As the Empress foretold…’
Not allowed to trade my CO to the Griffau for seize rifles
Not allowed to steal baby teeth to trade with the Buffalorks
Not allowed to fill gasmasks with candy
Not allowed to eat apples while in formation unless I brought enough for everyone
[Addendum] Not allowed to eat apples while in formation even if I brought enough for everyone
Not allowed to tar and feather the recruits to teach them ‘how to think like griffis’
The proper response to a reasonable request is not 'That's what Luna said!'
Not allowed to draw bulls-eyes on the helmets of new recruits
The Eldeer are not after my lucky charms
The Eldeer do not offer fortune-telling services
Not allowed to invite the buffalork over for cider and fritters
Servo-probes are not to be used to build my own throne.
Never talk back to a Space Mareine with 'You and what army?'
Not allowed to refer to the Brothers of Harmony as ‘Jokester Jocks’’
Not allowed to refer to Joytroopers as ‘Astartes wannabes’
Paranids do not make good guard animals
Sock puppets are not allowed to take command of my post
Never, ever ask a tech-pony to ‘do the robot’
Never goad a tech-pony into doing the robot by claiming to do it better
Lazeguns are not a prescription for treating insomnia
May not call officers ‘lying, heretical scumbags,’ even if it’s true
Claiming ‘the Empress told me otherwise’ is not a valid reason for refusing orders
‘Cause I’m prettier’ is not a valid reason to contradict a superior officer.
I am not allowed to send recruits to fetch the following items: winter batteries for the lazeguns, back-up wings, a box of grid squares, helmet polish
Not allowed to challenge Navigators to staring contests
The astrocorns do not want to guess what number I’m thinking
The astrocorns are not trying to read my thoughts and I should stop accusing them of it
Must not valiantly throw officers into oncoming fire to protect the squad
The tanks do not transform into battle droids
Laughing gas is not to be used in conjunction with talent show comedy acts
Servo-probes are not to be used for target practice or run personal errands
Not allowed to use Tarot cards to make fake predictions about people I hate
Decals and custom paint does not make my weapon ‘master-crafted’
I am not authorized to declare Exterminatus on anybody
Det-charges on bottles of cleaning solution are not to be used to clean the latrines
I cannot claim time off on religious grounds because the world is going to end…more than once…per planet.
I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my gasmask
My proper title is Lieutenant Ditzy Doo, not ‘The Muffin Mare’
Major Braeburn does not want to know what I think of his plan or where he can shove it
Not allowed to invent new forms of paperwork that need to be filled out
Not allowed to execute nap time on ponies on the Commissar’s behalf
Not allowed to ‘go down to the colts’ tent and shake what my mama gave me’
[Addendum] Even if they had asked me first.
Parade Drill is not the time to teach the unit new dance routines
The Adeptus Fraternis do not want to take my confessions
I am not allowed to claim of visions from past lives
Not allowed to erect magic wards to protect against anyone in my chain of command
I cannot challenge anyone in my chain of command to a duel in the name of honour
Holo-vid soundtracks are not motivational material and should not be played over the loud speakers as such.
Not allowed to refuse an officer’s orders on the grounds that it’s ‘that time of the month’ for her
Don’t keep that in your helmet
‘Muffin’ is not an explanation for anything
The Adeptus Custodes are not janitors
If a thought makes me giggle for more than fifteen seconds, it’s probably a bad idea
An order to make my ‘make my boots sparkle’ does not involve unicorns or lightning bolts
Not allowed to rate officers by shipping appeal
Nopony is interested in a wet mane contest
Not allowed to invoke daemonic summonings to punish my superiors
‘Victory or a reasonable severance package’ is not an approved battle cry.
Not allowed to use the batletanks to ‘beat rush hour traffic’
Not allowed to drive the battletanks into town to get breakfast
Not allowed to return to base wearing parts of an Eldeer uniform while heavily intoxicated
Even if my commander did it
The Regimental Banner is not to be used as a cape
Not allowed to prepare the unit for a zombie apocalypse
It is no longer easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask permission
Not allowed to throw magnets at the tech-priests
‘Two cider limit’ does not mean first and last
[1st Addendum] It also does not mean they can be any size I desire
[2nd Addendum] Nor does it mean two kinds of cider
[3rd Addendum] Not allowed in the officer’s mess anymore
Servo-probes are not to be used to fly banners
Yes, space mareines are just as tough even ‘without three hundred pounds of fancy, pancy body armour’
Not allowed to make fun of a Appleloosian’s accent
Not allowed to refer to Great Crusade history as ‘that time we got into an argument over who’s god was cooler’’
My chain of command does not include ‘a gaggle of mutant donkeys’
Not allowed to post pictures of my commanding officers on Inquisitional wanted posters
I am not undercover for anything
Made-up words are not allowed to be used in any official paperwork
I am not allowed to correct an Appleloosian officer about anything
There are no tiny, bearded ponies following me around. They do not exist.
Not allowed to use funeral march songs for parades
Not allowed to impersonate a deity in front of primitive world inhabitants
Not allowed to mark the CO’s tent as a paratrooper drop zone
‘Free muffins for everyone’ is not an acceptable battle plan
Not allowed to invent new, insulting commendations and award them to people I dislike
When it comes time to ‘do or cry’ I am not to flip a coin in order to speed up the process
Low-gravity planets do not entitle me to an extra serving at the mess hall
The Equestrian Guardpony’s Uplifting Primer is not to be described as ‘absorbent and durable’
I am not entitled to ‘supportive undergarments’ on high gravity planets
I am not to refer to the Captain as ‘mommy’
Not allowed to attach bumper sticks to anybody wearing power barding
‘My gun’s bigger’ is not a valid reason to contradict another officer.
A proper prayer to the Empress should not begin with ‘thanks for kicking Luna’s hindquarter’
Not allowed to send sexually-explicit messages via astrocorns to anybody in my chain of command or any other officer.
She is not to be referred to as ‘Commissar Sugarcube’
After-action reports are not to be written in Iambic pentameter
The Power of Celestia does not compel anyone
Not allowed to make it rain on any pony’s parade
The Lord-General is not old enough to have fought in the Great Crusade and I should stop implying that he is
Not allowed to request a bayonet charge from the battletanks
The battletanks are not to be used to ‘squish things’
Not allowed to quote non-existent scripture passages to impress the Adeptus Fraternis
I am not the Patron Saint of Muffins
Not allowed to play muffin-related holo-vids in the mess hall, even if they are extremely patriotic and morale-boosting
Lazegun power cells are not meant to be used to power portable holo-vid projectors
Not allowed to sell paperwork signed by Commissar Applejack for personal profit
Not allowed to barter souls while on duty
I do not need a new host body
Military-grade glue is not a substitute for styling gel
Not allowed the pie a planetary governor, if effigy or otherwise
There are no warp rifts under my bed, in my closet, or at the bottom of my footlocker
Zero-G training is not a time to show off my new gymnastics routine
Command decisions are not a democratic process and do not require a majority vote
Not allowed to introduce legislature during officers meetings
Not allowed to claim heretical regiments get better health coverage, even if it’s true
Not allowed to sell used flak vests to locals
Not allowed to barter my equipment to locals
Not allowed to refer to standard issued equipment as ‘t-shirts and flashlights’
‘Stand and cry like Guardponies’ is supposed to be inspiring
I am not authorized to call in the Inquisition
I am not allowed to launch my own Inquisition
Not allowed to join a cult while on duty
Not allowed to form a cult while on duty
Not allowed to pretend to be a different pony in order to get out of a patrol
I am not my own worst enemy
Not allowed to roll my eyes at officers
Not allowed to celebrate the end of the Luna Heresy through recreation by taking over the officer’s mess
Leaving hollowed-out computer monitors impaled on pikes outside the tech-poiny’s shrine is ill-advised
Not allowed to ask a tech-ponies to bless my cooking oil
‘Suffer so the Astartes can take all the credit’ is a bad slogan for recruitment posters
‘Equestrian Guard - come for the hazard pay, stay because desertion is heresy’ is also a bad slogan for recruitment posters
As is ‘Join the Equestrian Guard. You’ll probably be forgotten a century from now anyways.’
Not allowed to design recruitment posters
Not allowed to attend mission briefings in sleepwear
‘This is the Muffin Mare, can I take your order?’ is not the proper method when responding to a vox communication
Muffins are not a valid form of treatment for any medical conditions
Not allowed to nickname my unit, ‘the Crybaby Squad.’
Not allowed to refer to the latrine as the ‘Bronzed Throne’
Not allowed to play an audio track in the background and claim that I cannot hear it when a sanctioned mage inquires about the noise
Not allowed to form a barbershop quartet
Not allowed to imply that the Adeptus Fraternis is full of colt cuddlers
Not allowed to break an Adeptus Fraternis’ vow of silence by slapping his hindquarter
‘Flaky and golden brown’ is not a proper response when requested to give a sit-rep
Not allowed to perform impromptu song and dance routines while in uniform
Not allowed to perform impromptu song and dance routines even when not in uniform
Not allowed to throw a bag of tomatoes under a tank tread, scream, and then run and hide
Not allowed to taunt tech-ponies by claiming the answer isn’t 42
I do not have magic powers and must stop threatening to put ponies to sleep
Must not point out the idiocy of superior officers, even if it’s blindingly obvious
Must not wake up non-pegasus NCO by flying their cot fifty meters into the air
Not allowed to play knock-knock jokes on the Trojans
I am not allowed to perform marriages
Trojans cannot moon-walk
Freezas are not to be used to make snow-cones, skating rinks, or popcicles
Painted-on tattoos do not count as cutie marks
Not allowed to imply that a priestess would be a better motivator than the commissar
Nighttime curfew is not to be enforced with lazegun fire
Mission debriefings are not to be done through interpretive dance
Stop eating the ammunition

The Dawn of Friendship: Part One

The Dawn of Friendship
Part One

“Do not waste your tears for I was not born to watch the galaxy grow dim. Life is measured not in years but by the deeds of ponies.”-final worlds of the God-Empress Celestia before her internment within the Golden Throne

Every pony knows the story of the Luna Heresy. It was during the height of the Great Crusade, when the God-Empress Celestia still walked amongst us mortal ponies, that our great Equestrium was nearly torn asunder. The Great Crusade was supposed to be the journey that united all under the stars in harmony and compassion but instead we were thrown into total chaos. The Alicorn Luna, most favoured sister of the God-Empress, she who was supposed to be the greatest of us all, fell to the dark powers of Chaos. Fueled by hatred and jealousy, she became twisted and corrupted, until all that was good within her ceased to exist. And like wild fire, the chaos spread through the legions of the space mareines and the ponies of the Equestrium. At its peak, fully half of all the Equestrium had fallen to madness, twisted by the will of the dark god of Chaos, Discord. All of ponykind stood on the precipice of despair and would have fallen too were it not for the courage and compassion of the God-Empress and those loyal to harmony. During the Siege of Canterlot, the God-Empress herself confronted Luna and utilizing the power of the Relic of Harmony, she banished the traitorous Luna into the warp. Without its leader, the rebellion soon fell apart – some fled into the warp in pursuit of Luna but many would regain their sanity and compassion once removed from the influence of Chaos. The Luna Heresy was finished…but at a terrible cost. The once-proud armies of the space mareines and Equestrian Guard were in complete disarray, bonds of friendship and camaraderie ruined beyond recovery. And most terrible of all, the loss of her most beloved sister left the God-Empress in a shattered state of despair and sorrow. It is said that she could not even look a pony in the face without being reminded of her loss and falling further into anguish. With the fate of the entire Equestrium dependent on the light of Celestia’s smile, which powered the Astronomican itself and kept madness and chaos from breaking through into the mortal realm, she was left with no choice but to intern herself inside an ancient machine known as the Golden Throne. Physically isolated from everything, the Golden Throne allowed the God-Empress to sustain herself by feeding off the joy and harmony of all the ponies in the Equestrium while keeping her own anguish at bay. It was a bold move but her sacrifice allowed peace, joy, and harmony to slowly return to everypony.

But our challenges did not end with the Luna Heresy. The chaos sewn by the turmoil required a new campaign to spread friendship and compassion back to the stars. And not all were content to yield to the magic of friendship, amongst the dissidents were the impulsive Buffalorks, the fickle Eldeer, and the egotistical Griffau. To make matters worse, a hundred years after the end of the Heresy, Luna breached the veil between realities and attempted a new black crusade to bring madness and despair back to the Equestrium. That time, however, our harmony and friendship was strong enough to withstand her invasion and we were able to push her back into the warp. Two hundred years after that, Luna breached the warp once more and once again was vanquished. For the next ten thousand years, Luna would continue to return, each time more powerful than the last. But it has been almost five thousand years since Luna’s last attempt…many ponies have long since forgotten the looming threat and the stories of the Luna Heresy had become regarded as myth and legend.

Perhaps it is the story of the Luna Heresy, which I first heard as a young filly, that led me to become the Inquisitor that I am today. The stories of Celestia’s courage, compassion, and most importantly, her magical prowess, drove me to study the intricacies of magic. It was an arduous path to walk for it is well-known that unicorns are most susceptible to the whispers and temptations from beyond the veil. Power corrupts, as they say, and there are few powers in the galaxy that rivals the power of magic. The intense study and focus needed to master the use of magic can very easily lead a pony astray from friends, colleagues, and family. It is a perilous path that I once trotted down and very nearly lost myself upon. But at the same time, it was my obsession with study that led me to the best decisions of my life and to the planet of Ponyville, where I would discover something more powerful than magic. Of course, at the time I didn’t greet this travel arrangement with much tact.

“I...I’m being sent to where?” I stammered in disbelief upon first hearing the news. I had been hard at work in my study hall when the interruption came along with the news that I had once again neglected the basic necessities of sleep, food, and basic pony contact. It was hard to keep track of the days when you confined were to a windowless room, surrounded by loaded bookshelves and glowing computer lecterns, all of which was contained inside a large interstellar cruiser floating in the void of space. I was often able to keep track of the passage of time by the number of open tomes scattered across my desk and judging by the fact that my desk was completely blanketed in parchment, it had been at least two days, if not more.(1)

Spike, my ever-faithful dragon assistant, was fully prepared for my reaction and had brought along a stellar map. “The planet of Ponyville,” he explained plainly as he set the map down upon my desk. It took him a few seconds but eventually he managed to finally point out the planet’s location in a tiny star cluster located in Segmentum Caudis.

“But…that’s in the middle of nowhere!” I exclaimed once I had taken a closer look.

“We’re in deep space, everything is in the middle of nowhere,” Spike answered, unmoved by my staunch objections. “Besides, these orders came from Celestia herself, you have to follow them.”

Now, despite my assistant’s insistence as to the authority of my orders, I was under no such illusion. Every pony with any understanding of history knew that Celestia hadn’t spoken directly to any pony since her internment in the Golden Throne. What we had instead were the orders of some high-ranking official who slapped the Empress’ name onto the orders to add the weight of the authority of the Royal Court. And even if the Empress, in all her infinite power, was aware of my current situation, I was hard-pressed to believe that she would issue such an order. After all, I was the one who kept sending the Royal Court missives about my research into the next invasion of Chaosmistress Luna. Of all the ponies to understand the importance of my research, I would expect her to be at the forefront, encouraging my research rather than attempting to stymie it. In my arrogant youth, the notion of being in the wrong never occurred to me and I had considered the possibility that perhaps somepony in the bureaucratic behemoth of the Administratum was attempting to sabotage my efforts for any number of reasons. Perhaps it was in retaliation for my three hundred and eighty page dissertation on why the Administratum, the bureaucratic center of the entire Equestrium, was operated by block-headed cronies with the inertia of a beached whale.(2) Some ponies just couldn’t take criticism. I refused to believe that my orders were genuine even after I had snatched them from Spike’s hands and read them over thoroughly.

“By the authority of the office of the Golden Throne and our immortal God-Empress, Inquisitor Twilight Sparkle of the Ordo Harmonious is hereby ordered to proceed to the planet of Ponyville with all speed,” I read aloud slowly and deliberately, as if some error in the wording would somehow relieve me of these absurd directives. “The Feast of the Empress’ Ascension is commencing soon and the God-Empress has decreed that no expense shall be spared in order to ensure that the festivities are carried out without incident and in a fashion befitting of the harmony and compassion of the…blah, blah, blah…” By that point I had given in, sighing in resignation as I slammed my head upon my desk. I could not help but wonder what I had done in past lives to earn the ire of the universe to be treated so poorly. To babysit a planet of ponies having a banquet, no matter how significant the occasion was, was beneath the hooves a pony of my standing. One may as well send space mareines to polish the Golden Throne. “This is horrible!”

“Look on the bright side Twilight, at least we get to hang around for the festival. There's always big parades, theatre performances, magic shows, and all that delicious food! It'd be a blast. You could even make some new friends,” Spike said in a lame attempt to console me. Of course he would enjoy the idea of food and partying – being my assistant was a full-time position and any opportunity to escape from his usual duties were welcomed with the enthusiasm of a puppy at the sight of a shiny, red ball.

“Don’t you get it Spike? We are standing on the precipice of pandemonium!”

“A preci-what?” Spike repeated with a confused look.

“The brink of bedlam! The verge of villainy! The doorway of disaster!”

Despite my repeated attempts to get the message across, the blank stare Spike gave me in return told me that my words were soaring over his head like a stellar cruiser. “Come again?” he finally replied. (3)

“Something very bad is going to happen soon. Haven’t you been paying attention to any of my research these past five weeks?” No sooner did those words leave my lips did I realize how silly they sounded. This was Spike I was talking to – he got bucked off conversations if I used a four-syllable word. “Forget it, let me explain it to you,” I quickly corrected myself and magically grabbed several tomes from the nearby bookshelves. “As you know, ever since Luna’s defeat millennia ago, she has been attempting to finish what she had started by piercing the veil between the warp and reality,” I explained, being very careful to use small words for Spike to grasp.

“Uh-huh…” he muttered quietly, nodding as he followed my hooves across the tomes.

“After each attempt, it has taken her longer and longer to pierce the veil and start a new invasion but at the same time it has taken more friendship, magic, and harmony to push her and her ponies back. We haven’t had an invasion in nearly five thousand years, which means the next invasion could potentially be as powerful as the Luna Heresy itself!”

“Okay…”

“Now we used to believe that the delay was a result of her recovering her forces and her power and that her point of entry from the warp was random.”

“Yeah, yeah...”

Opening a fresh tome, I showed Spike a series of star maps of the previous breaches through the warp, each of which were noted with the date and time of the incursion. “My research has shown that Luna's invasions are not random at all but instead rely upon the astrological arrangement of particular star cluster, which cause localized distortions of the boundaries between the warp and reality.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning if I can determine the next star cluster that will fall into the required alignment, I can accurately predict the time and location of the next warp distortion Chaosmistress Luna will use. My calculations thus far have narrowed the date window down but I need more time to make the precise measurements needed for accurate calculations.”

“Still not following you Twilight.”

“I need to figure out when and where Luna will show up so we can stop her from doing bad things!” I snapped back at Spike in frustration. Once again, I was taking my frustration out on Spike but as always he remained unfazed by these mood swings. “And I can’t figure these things out because all my stupid star charts are four hundred years out of date! What blockhead of a pony thought it was a good idea to only send out cartographers every half-millennium?” That last fact was the coup de grace on the fountain of frustrations that was currently raining misery upon me. I let out a frustrated cry and slammed my head into my desk once more, kicking all the loose paper into the air.

Spike, knowing full well that my mood had a tendency to lash out at anything nearby with a pulse, made the wise decision to find a new means to pacify my temper. “Tell you what Twilight, I’m going to go set a course for Ponyville and then I’m going to put on a pot of tea.”

“Tea…would be divine,” I said, managing a weary smile. Through all the hardships I’ve faced, Spike was always there for me – knowing exactly what I needed before I even realized I needed it. As he departed from my study, I returned my attention to my outdated charts to continue with my research. I was determined to find the solution to Luna’s looming return, even if nopony believed me.

As I mentioned before, Twilight never expected her logs to be read by any pony outside of the Inquisition, let alone the general public. I’ve included a small excerpt from Smart Cookie’s ‘The Earth Pony’s Guide to the Equestrium’ to provide some necessary details. I highly recommend Smart Cookie’s ‘Earth Pony Guides’ when searching for an introduction to unfamiliar subjects.

Looking to travel out to the stars are you? Whether looking to find fame, fortune, or simply a better life, the Equestrium offers a plethora of opportunities to those with the courage and enthusiasm to seek it out. So pat yourself on the back for you are among the minority of ponies. Did you know that even though the Equestrium spans the entire Milky Way galaxy, encompassing thousands of planets and over a trillion ponies, only about one out of ten ponies ever experience warp travel in their lifetime? It’s true. Most ponies never leave their home world for one reason or another and even fewer will travel beyond their star system.

But not so fast intrepid explorer, there’s a lot to know before you venture out into space. Though every day, millions of ships successfully travel through the warp, the warp itself is nonetheless one of the greatest dangers in the galaxy. It is also a mystery to most ponies; even the most intellectual of conversations about the warp are 99% superstition and only 1% fact. But take heart, fair reader, for you have already taken the first step towards better preparing yourself by consulting a trained researcher rather than your local priest. While we will explore these all in greater details, for the reader in a hurry here are the bare minimum facts that you should be aware of:

1. The nature of the warp.

In the simplest of terms, the warp is an extra-dimensional space that exists parallel to our own. It is a dimension that does not follow the same fundamental laws of reality and physics that our universe does. And if there was only one lesson that you could take home from this entire book it is the following - nothing involving the warp is safe! Absolutely nothing! The warp in and of itself is inherently dangerous. Only the most trained professionals are able to minimize the risks to themselves and others when handling the warp and even then it is through the use of advanced technologies and magic. This brings us to point number two.

2. Dangers of the warp.

As I said before, the warp itself does not follow the normal laws of physics. The rules that do seem to govern the reality of the warp are unpredictable at best. The most commonplace danger of the warp is warp exposure, which can happen in accidents involving magical experiments or warp-powered technology. Exposure to warp energy, either raw or refined, can have serious effects on a pony. Symptoms of warp exposure include delusions, hallucinations both audio and visual, tremours, night terrors, listlessness, decreased vigor, depression, and mood swings. If you believe you have been exposed to warp energy, do not hesitate to contact your nearest emergency medical facility. Aside from warp exposure, the other great danger of the warp stem from its denizens. The most common are the daemons of Chaos, most of which are malevolent beings that enjoy causing mischief to any ponies they can. They themselves are ruled over by the Dark God of Chaos, Discord, who is considered the de facto ruler of the warp and is said to sit up upon a throne made of unicorn horns. But I digress, for we are delving into the realm of superstitions. As a whole, daemons are unable to interact with our universe except through a breach in the veil, the barrier between our two dimensions.

3. Breaching the veil.

Generally speaking, the veil between our dimensions is quite solid. Typically, it is only through deliberate acts that one can open a direct path to the warp. The two most common means this is done is through warp travel, which we shall touch on later, and unicorn magic. Unicorn magic is the most common cause of accidental breaches as a unicorn’s horn functions as a kind of lightning rod for warp energy. Through training and discipline, a unicorn can allow a small amount of energy from the warp into the real world to create otherwise impossible effects. Disclaimer: Under no circumstances should you dabble in magic on your own accord. Only trained and sanctioned members of the Adeptus Telepathica should ever attempt magic.

4. Warp travel is statistically safe.

Despite what I’ve said, millions of ships travel the warp safely each and every day. Indeed, the Equestrium would not be able to survive were it not for commercial trade between the many worlds. It is the harmony of these many worlds, all contributing that which they are best at, that has allowed our empire to grow to such a size. And warp travel is the only means in which to safely and efficiently travel the massive breadth of space. This feat is accomplished through three vital pieces of technology.

The first is the warp engine, which as the name suggests is the technology an interstellar ship uses to open a gateway into the warp. Bare in mind that warp space is not like traditional space; it is more like sailing in an infinitely wide ocean made of pure energy. A ship’s traditional plasma drives are then used navigate the flowing currents of warp energy. For the sake of safety, most ships will only travel short distances in the warp, jumping in and out at known intervals to maintain an accurate bearing. Long distance jumps, in excess of ten light-years, can have less accurate exit points. I myself once found myself a staggering one hundred and twenty light-years off-target.

The second essential piece of technology is the Gellar Field, which was invented alongside the warp engine. The Gellar field protects a ship when its travelling through the warp, keeping all the unfriendly locals from trying to stow a ride aboard the ship. Without it, every pony aboard the ship is doomed for even a minute exposure to the raw energies of the warp can drive a pony mad.

The last piece of technology is the Astronomicon. This ancient device actually resides on holy Canterlot atop the Royal Palace. This device is directly powered by the God-Empress and it serves as a kind of magical lighthouse for ships travelling in the warp. With it, navigators are able to maintain the ship’s relative bearings and judge the length of their voyage. Together, all these incredible pieces of pony engineering allow ships to traverse the warp safely.

5. Time in the warp.

As every other law of reality seems to take a vacation upon entering the warp, it is no surprise that time as well is distorted by warp travel. Time passes slower in the warp, thus you will always emerge at a date far later than what your shipboard calendar will state. As a general rule, take whatever time you spend in the warp and add fifty percent to it and that will be the approximate real-time the journey will take. Ponies who frequently travel through the warp have the joy of trying to calculate their proper age. While the Equestrian calendar might state that I am fifty-five, taking warp travel into account my age is probably closer to forty-seven.

6. Sending a letter home.

So you’ve just traveled across several light-years and have arrived in a new star system. The first thing you’ll probably want to do is send a message back home to mom and dad letting them know you’ve arrived safely. But how does send a message across the vast chasm of space? The answer to that is the ever-reliable Astrocorn. These unicorns are trained by the Adeptus Telepathica, the organization responsible for all magical training in the Equestrium, to send messages through the warp. Think of astrocorns as a magic mailbox. For a small fee, the astrocorn will take your message and send it to another astrocorn on the planet of your choice. The receiving astrocorn will then record the message and file it away to be delivered by a mailmare. Astrocorns can be found on almost every civilized planet at your local Administratum service center; as well, all interstellar vessel are required by law to have at least one astrocorn on staff.

7. Chaos and the warp.

If you’ve ever attended a priest’s sermon, you’ve probably heard the term Chaos thrown around a lot. Like the warp, it is often clouded by myth and superstition rather than empirical facts. Scientifically speaking, Chaos refers to the magical energy that composes the warp. In military contexts, Chaos is the semi-unified body of ponies and traitor space mareines that worship Discard and are actively opposed to the Equestrium and the God-Empress. In common usage, however, it is a catch-all term to any entity, both mortal and immortal, that utilizes these energies for malicious intents. If you encounter a servant of Chaos, or suspect a pony of worshipping Discord, do not confront them! Even non-unicorns that serve Chaos can possess magic powers (referred to as ‘sorcery’ to distinguish it from unicorn magic). Contact your nearest member of the Equestrian Guard, Planetary Welcoming Force, or local law enforcement.

By a small bout of good fortune, my cruiser was not far from Ponyville when I received my new orders. It would be several days of warp travel (4) before I reached Ponyville and I made sure that the limited time I had was used wisely and efficiently. I poured over piles of calculations and old star charts, scoured through ancient tomes for clues, and even attempted a small-scale recreation of stellar alignments in order to better understand its effects on the boundaries to the warp. With a hint of pride I must report that my experiment succeeded beyond my expectations, recreating the kind of warp-rift Luna had used in the past. With that knowledge, I was able to better predict where the eventual rift would open, although my estimates still covered several star systems, including Ponyville. Unfortunately, my experiment worked too well and I wound up accidentally summoning a lesser daemon-pony of Discord onto the ship. Spike and I spent the better part of a day chasing the little monster down and by the time we sent him back through the rift, he had succeeded in transforming half of my ship’s crew into various potted plants and small rodents; inverted the gravity fields throughout the living quarters; and flooded five decks with liquid soap, turning my engineering department into a massive slip-n-slide. By the time I got my crew and ship back in order, we had arrived triumphantly at our destination – stronger, wiser, and lemony-fresh.

After arguing fruitlessly with Spike that I could have maintained just as efficient a vigilance from orbit, I gathered my things and met him in the hangar bay for our departure to the planet surface. I figured that since I had exhausted my resources aboard my ship, not to mention made the crew extremely nervous around the mere mentioning of 'experiments,' I decided that my next course of action would be to take advantage of the facilities on Ponyville. The local observation stations and librariums might have more accurate star charts for the sector. By the time I had collected my research notes and got to the hangar bay, Spike was already loading some of our travel essentials onto the Pegasus-class landing craft we'd be taking. “Got everything in order Spike?” I asked upon my arrival.

“Aye, Inquisitor!” he replied with a crisp salute. While his mood had improved substantially since his brief time spent as a ficus tree,(5) I on the other hoof was still viewing my time on Ponyville with a mixed sense of disgust and trepidation. As always, Spike was fully prepared for my insistence on performing a last minute check on all our supplies – a trip from orbit to surface took several hours and I was not about to turn a landing craft around because Spike forgot his lucky sapphire again.

“Let's see...star charts – check; city maps – check; calculation cogitator – check; lunch – check; snacks for Spike – check; auspex scanner – check; Inquisitional badge – check.” I continued through my checklist without incident until near the very end, stopping abruptly and asking my assistant, “Hey Spike, did you see where I left the Relic of Harmony?”

“I put it with your cloak,” Spike answered, pointing over the square-shaped storage container that had been draped with a black cloth. “I'm really surprised that the Administratum just let you borrow the Relic of Harmony – the most sacred artifact in the entire Equestrium; never seen or held since the end of the Luna Heresy when Empress Celestia used it to banish her sister into the warp.”

I chuckled lightly to myself, amused not only at Spike reverence to the artifact but also the fact that he still thought I had acquired it through the normal channels. “I'm more surprised that it's been five years and they still haven't even noticed I've taken it in the first place. Those colts in the Administratum would lose track of the Golden Throne if it wasn't bolted to the floor.”

“Do you want me to pack the armour?” Spike asked as I continued my pre-departure checklist.

“I'd rather avoid drawing attention to myself,” I said after giving it a moment's thought. Being an Inquisitor meant being one of the most visible symbols of the Royal Court's authority. If I were to wear visible armour, I might as well have brought a giant sign along that said 'I'm important, pester me with your problems.' Time was of the essence and I couldn't waste it helping every pony with a moral dilemma or disagreement. Still, I always prided myself on my preparedness so some protection was going to be needed. “Maybe just grab a portable hate deflector...oh, and maybe a few lazepistols.”

If Spike wasn't in a good mood already, he was after the mentioning of 'lazepistols.' I could only peg his fascination with such technology to being a 'guy thing' since he could already breathe fire so it wasn't as though Spike was defenseless. Personally, I always preferred using my magic but one could not ignore the pacifying effects of a well-placed laze-shot. However, in his zeal, Spike didn't hear the part where I said 'a few' and returned from the armoury carrying an armload of lazepistols and lazeguns. “Please be careful with those,” I tried to warn my assistant. Alas, my words came too late as he clumsily lost his hold on some of the weapons, causing the entire pile to come crashing down. In the clatter, one of the lazeguns went off, firing a stray sleep-inducing energy bolt.

When I regained consciousness several hours later, I discovered that Spike had been thoughtful enough to load me onto the Pegasus lander, along with the rest of our cargo. Having deprived myself of sleep during my rigorous studies, the forcibly-induced nap was arguably for the best as I awoke feeling refreshed and in far better spirits than before.(6) Spike had laid me to rest in the lander's passenger quarters but once awake, I immediately made my way to the cockpit to check on our status. “Morning sleepy head,” Spike greeted upon my arrival.

“Morning,” I said before letting out a hefty yawn. He was lucky that the nap left me in a good mood, otherwise I would have spent the rest of the trip down to the surface lecturing him on proper safety protocols. As it were, I was content just to let things be and took a seat next to my trusty pilot. “How much further until we're there?”

“We'll be over the main hub of Ponyville in less than an hour,”(7) Spike explained. “We're just about to exit the lower...um, air...layer thing.”

“The atmosphere?” I suggested.

“Yeah, that thing.” As the Pegasus lander continued its descent at a steady pace, I made myself comfortable and began reviewing my research notes. There was still a lot of work to be done and I wasn't going to waste any of it sitting idly watching the clouds go by. Spike was still as excited as ever to be planetside during a Feast of the Empress' Ascension. It was, after all, one of the grandest holidays in the Equestrium - a celebration of when the Empress Celestia ascended into godhood. Ponies across the Equestrium gathered for these huge feasts in festivals that could span entire planets. Canterlot itself becomes inundated every year with millions of pilgrims all attempting to catch a glimpse of the Golden Throne. I even made the trek long ago when I still just a filly. I had to stand on my father's back just to see even a glimpse of the Golden Throne over the hordes of other ponies. It was my pilgrimage to the Golden Throne that first got me interested in the old stories of the God-Empress and the Luna Heresy. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel some temptation to partake in some of the festivities but I had more important responsibilities and the fate of the galaxy did not hinge upon me making friends and having fun.

I briefly gazed out the window but could see little else but clear blue skies. Ponyville itself was a relatively unremarkable planet. It was heavily developed with most of the surface covered by urban sprawl and what wasn’t built upon was either water, farmland, or mountainous terrain. At least the planet was relatively unpolluted, as noted by the clear skies, due primarily to the facts that Ponyville had only a minor industrial sector and its remote location meant interplanetary traffic was relatively low. In fact, the skies were almost completely devoid of any other air traffic, an anomaly that should have made me suspicious but I was too preoccupied to realize it at the time. When we were low enough for me to finally get a decent view of the city below, what I saw was equally uninspiring. Perhaps to the ponies that lived there, the pre-classical era architecture(8) was probably very appealing and gave the city a less modern, more warm and welcoming feel but as a pony who had been to dozens of worlds in the past, it really did look like every other developed Equestrian world.

Unfortunately, any hope I had of a peaceful flight to study was thrown out the window just as I was thrown out of my chair when the lander suddenly made a hard turn to starboard. Thankfully, the steel-plated floors broke my fall (and almost my shoulder). “Spike! What did I tell you about trying out things you saw in holo-vids?”

“I had to – we almost hit something,” Spike quickly insisted.

Once I managed to peel myself off the floor, I stepped over to the cockpit window to see what the hay Spike felt necessitated such an erratic manoeuvre. All I saw were a handful of white clouds and the vast, sprawling cityscape of Ponyville miles below us. “Was it a bird or something?”

“I...think it was a rainbow.”

“Spike don't be ridiculous,” I scoffed as I went back to my seat. “Rainbows are an phenomenon created by refracted beams of light. You can't 'hit' a rainbow anymore than you can hit a-...rainbow!” I had thought all my studies in magic had left mentally prepared for even the most bizarre sights imaginable but there were no words to describe what I felt when I saw a rainbow suddenly streaking across the cockpit and right towards the lander (other than 'evade!'). Spike veered the lander hard to port but whatever we were evading still hit the ship with tremendous force, throwing it into a free-falling spin. “Spike! Do something!” I shouted as the rotary force threw me against the cockpit wall.

“I'm trying!” he shouted, clinging to the control sticks as the spiraling vessel tried to buck him off. But then, just as suddenly as the madness began, it stopped as the lander stabilized and ground to a halt. After a few seconds, the stabilizing jets kicked in and all the alarms fell silent.

“What...just happened?” I groaned, now peeling myself from the wall.

“I think we hit the rainbow,” Spike said groggily. He was looking a bit green around the scales from all the turbulence but before I could offer any help, he raced off to find an airsick bag.

While I stood there wondering if Spike had remembered to pack any, my attention was drawn to a knocking sound coming from the cockpit window. Hovering right outside the window was a pegasus clad in full power barding – denoting her position as one of the Empress' space mareines. And the visible dent in her helmet was a clear indication that she was the source of our earlier turbulence. Her blue-tinted armour glistened in the sunlight, making her quite the imposing figure; and even though she had just been clocked by a several-tonne space craft, she seemed no worse for wear. In fact, she was more concerned with Spike and I. “Hey, you okay in there?” she called out to me, waving her hooves to get my attention.

“Yeah...I think we're okay,” I replied hesitantly. With Spike currently reacquainting himself with breakfast there was no pilot to keep the lander under control if something else went wrong, which I wasn't going to rule out given how well the ride had been thus far.

“You really should be more careful when you're flying. I can't always be around to save the day, you know. No need to thank me by the way – it's all in a day's work!”

It took a lot of mental will power to resist the urge to remind the mareine that she was the one flying recklessly, not Spike. “Well, I'm really grateful for the assistance miss...uh...”

“Rainbow Dash of the Ultraponies 4th company,” the mareine introduced herself.(9) “Now, uh...I gotta ask you leave. Sarge ordered me to keep the skies clear of all traffic.”

“And you do that by hitting them with your head?” I asked, questioning the mareines seemingly bizarre choice of traffic control. I doubt that was actually her intent but it seemed counter-intuitive to be pulling such manoeuvres when you're supposed to be maintaining a no-fly zone.

Rainbow Dash merely laughed in response. “That was just me kicking back and taking a break. Actually, noponies flown through here all day so I've just been practicing some of my slick aerobatics,” she explained before flying a short figure-eight pattern. “Check this one out, I call it the rainbow blitz.” Eager to show off her technique for whatever reason, the pegasus flew off, returning seconds later flying in a sort of spinning, helical pattern. Since the full extent of my knowledge of aerobatics could be written on the back of a cocktail napkin, I just smiled and nodded in my best attempt at looking like I was impressed. Once she had finished showboating, she fluttered back over and informed me, “Seriously though, you gotta move your ship elsewhere.”

“I would but unfortunately my pilot is kind of tossing his cookies at the moment,” I explained. And judging by the sound of Spike's retching in the other room, he had worked passed the cookies and was onto the breakfast sandwiches.

“Seriously? What do I look like? A towing service?” Rainbow replied sardonically.

“No but I am an Inquisitor,” I answered hesitantly, having to resort to pulling out the inquisitional trump card. The authority of my office outweighed virtually every other body in the Equestrium but I was always reluctant to make use of it. While I wasn't in the mood for making friends, that didn't mean I was prepared to get on everypony's bad side just to get my way. And just in case Rainbow Dash didn't believe me, I quickly flashed her my Inquisitional badge.

At first, the pegasus reacted in the typical fashion most ponies do when confronted by a Inquisitor, gasping incredulously. But then she suddenly pressed herself against the window like a filly staring through the glass window-front of a pet shop. “Oh! That means you know the Wonderbolts! Have you ever worked with them before? Are they really as awesome as everypony says? Do you think you can put in a good word for me with them? Oh, do you think you could arrange a meeting with Spitfire? I've studied all her moves!”(10) she blurted out at a speed far greater than any of her previous aerobatics. For the uninitiated, the Wonderbolts are a space mareine chapter that recruited its members from other chapters rather than recruiting initiates from the general population, thus making them one of the most elite units of harmony in the galaxy. They also worked almost exclusively at the behest of the Inquisition. It wasn't quite the reaction I had been hoping for but at least I had her attention.

“Well...I suppose I could,” I mused slyly. “But they wouldn't exactly be interested in a pegasus that just leaves an Inquisitor strand-aggh!” My masterful plan to talk Rainbow into assisting worked a lot faster than I had anticipated. As a result, the lander's sudden burst of acceleration threw me out of the cockpit, through the passenger quarters, and into the wall at the far end of the cargo hold. One would think after the first two times I would have learned to have put on a darn seat belt. And given how wonderful my luck had been running thus far, I knew that the ship would eventually come to just as violent a halt and I'd be launched back into the cockpit. My only hope was that the windshield was strong enough to prevent me from being turned into the galaxy's first pony torpedo.(11) As it turned out, the cockpit window was indeed strong enough to take the full-force of a head-on impact from a pony being launched at near-sonic speeds. Thus, I became the bug splat upon the windshield rather than the cannonball from the barrel. And because the universe decided that I should forfeit my dignity as well as any sensation in my face, Rainbow Dash came around to the front of the lander while I was still plastered against the windshield. At least somepony was having a good time, as the pegasus fell into a fit of laughter at my expense. Never before in my life had a simple trip from orbit to a planet's surface been so painful, humiliating, and mentally exhausting...and that's including the one time I was jettisoned out of a garbage compactor. Sadly, if I thought things were going to get any easier, I was horribly mistaken.

Footnotes:
1) It had been four.
2) Twilight’s Ninety-Five Theses on the Inefficiencies and Redundancies of Bureaucracy was at one point listed as the number one publication in the genre of comedic non-fiction. The only pony to hate that fact more than the Headmaster of the Administratum was Twilight.
3) In my defence, dragis was my native tongue and at that age my grasp of pony languages was shaky at best.
4) Alas, traveling through a dimension that laughed in the face of the laws of physics meant time spent in the warp did not equal time passed for the rest of the galaxy. We spent eight days in the warp but emerged seventeen days later.
5) To this day, I still can’t look at a fig without breaking into a cold sweat.
6) A tactic that I’ve used far more often then she realizes. Half of the times she ‘fell asleep’ at her desk were actually because of a well-placed shot from yours truly. Who needs a lullaby?
7) Since the planet Ponyville had only one city that spanned half of the planet’s surface, the city shared the same name as the planet. The main hub was the de facto capital due to the Governor’s palace being in the same district. Twilight often used the term ‘Ponyville’ to refer either the planet or the city since they were essentially synonymous.
8) Pre-classical architecture favours lateral development as opposed to vertical. It’s actually quite uncommon since most planets are too populated for it work. As such Ponyville had fewer than average spires and other high-rise buildings.
9) The Ultrapony barge, Cloudsdale had left a detachment of space mareines, under the command of Sgt. Rose, to aid with Ponyville’s buffalork problem
10) So has every other pegasus space mareine in the past one thousand years. Spitfire literally wrote the book on the modern aerobatic and tactics and it’s said every true pegasus memorizes the book cover to cover before taking their first flight. I’m still convinced that Rainbow Dash has yet to ever even crack open a book...
11) Actually, the galaxy’s first pony torpedo was space mareine Captain Sea Swirl of the Crimson Hooves who was launched from the cruiser Star Gazer in an unsuccessful attempt to board a buffalork transport. She was rescued a week later, having crash-landed on a nearby moon.