Ponyville40k: Dawn of Friendship

Bonus: Lt. Ditzy Doo's Rules of Conduct

Lt. Ditzy Doo’s Rules of Conduct

Somepony once asked me ‘what’s the most important thing you learned during your years of service?’ I couldn’t limit it to any one thing aside from the obvious ‘don’t panic’ so I decided to make a list of the important lessons I’ve learned through years of experience.

Not allowed to watch holo-vids while I’m supposed to be working
Not allowed to ‘borrow’ the CO’s personal recaf maker, even on the commissar’s orders
When driving the Red Hares, I am not allowed to ‘try something I saw in a holo-vid’
When driving the Red Hares, I am not allowed to use the radio to broadcast PSA’s
The Red Hare does not have a flux capacitor and I should stop making up mechanical problems that don’t exist.
Briefing reports are not to begin with ‘As the Empress foretold…’
Not allowed to trade my CO to the Griffau for seize rifles
Not allowed to steal baby teeth to trade with the Buffalorks
Not allowed to fill gasmasks with candy
Not allowed to eat apples while in formation unless I brought enough for everyone
[Addendum] Not allowed to eat apples while in formation even if I brought enough for everyone
Not allowed to tar and feather the recruits to teach them ‘how to think like griffis’
The proper response to a reasonable request is not 'That's what Luna said!'
Not allowed to draw bulls-eyes on the helmets of new recruits
The Eldeer are not after my lucky charms
The Eldeer do not offer fortune-telling services
Not allowed to invite the buffalork over for cider and fritters
Servo-probes are not to be used to build my own throne.
Never talk back to a Space Mareine with 'You and what army?'
Not allowed to refer to the Brothers of Harmony as ‘Jokester Jocks’’
Not allowed to refer to Joytroopers as ‘Astartes wannabes’
Paranids do not make good guard animals
Sock puppets are not allowed to take command of my post
Never, ever ask a tech-pony to ‘do the robot’
Never goad a tech-pony into doing the robot by claiming to do it better
Lazeguns are not a prescription for treating insomnia
May not call officers ‘lying, heretical scumbags,’ even if it’s true
Claiming ‘the Empress told me otherwise’ is not a valid reason for refusing orders
‘Cause I’m prettier’ is not a valid reason to contradict a superior officer.
I am not allowed to send recruits to fetch the following items: winter batteries for the lazeguns, back-up wings, a box of grid squares, helmet polish
Not allowed to challenge Navigators to staring contests
The astrocorns do not want to guess what number I’m thinking
The astrocorns are not trying to read my thoughts and I should stop accusing them of it
Must not valiantly throw officers into oncoming fire to protect the squad
The tanks do not transform into battle droids
Laughing gas is not to be used in conjunction with talent show comedy acts
Servo-probes are not to be used for target practice or run personal errands
Not allowed to use Tarot cards to make fake predictions about people I hate
Decals and custom paint does not make my weapon ‘master-crafted’
I am not authorized to declare Exterminatus on anybody
Det-charges on bottles of cleaning solution are not to be used to clean the latrines
I cannot claim time off on religious grounds because the world is going to end…more than once…per planet.
I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my gasmask
My proper title is Lieutenant Ditzy Doo, not ‘The Muffin Mare’
Major Braeburn does not want to know what I think of his plan or where he can shove it
Not allowed to invent new forms of paperwork that need to be filled out
Not allowed to execute nap time on ponies on the Commissar’s behalf
Not allowed to ‘go down to the colts’ tent and shake what my mama gave me’
[Addendum] Even if they had asked me first.
Parade Drill is not the time to teach the unit new dance routines
The Adeptus Fraternis do not want to take my confessions
I am not allowed to claim of visions from past lives
Not allowed to erect magic wards to protect against anyone in my chain of command
I cannot challenge anyone in my chain of command to a duel in the name of honour
Holo-vid soundtracks are not motivational material and should not be played over the loud speakers as such.
Not allowed to refuse an officer’s orders on the grounds that it’s ‘that time of the month’ for her
Don’t keep that in your helmet
‘Muffin’ is not an explanation for anything
The Adeptus Custodes are not janitors
If a thought makes me giggle for more than fifteen seconds, it’s probably a bad idea
An order to make my ‘make my boots sparkle’ does not involve unicorns or lightning bolts
Not allowed to rate officers by shipping appeal
Nopony is interested in a wet mane contest
Not allowed to invoke daemonic summonings to punish my superiors
‘Victory or a reasonable severance package’ is not an approved battle cry.
Not allowed to use the batletanks to ‘beat rush hour traffic’
Not allowed to drive the battletanks into town to get breakfast
Not allowed to return to base wearing parts of an Eldeer uniform while heavily intoxicated
Even if my commander did it
The Regimental Banner is not to be used as a cape
Not allowed to prepare the unit for a zombie apocalypse
It is no longer easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask permission
Not allowed to throw magnets at the tech-priests
‘Two cider limit’ does not mean first and last
[1st Addendum] It also does not mean they can be any size I desire
[2nd Addendum] Nor does it mean two kinds of cider
[3rd Addendum] Not allowed in the officer’s mess anymore
Servo-probes are not to be used to fly banners
Yes, space mareines are just as tough even ‘without three hundred pounds of fancy, pancy body armour’
Not allowed to make fun of a Appleloosian’s accent
Not allowed to refer to Great Crusade history as ‘that time we got into an argument over who’s god was cooler’’
My chain of command does not include ‘a gaggle of mutant donkeys’
Not allowed to post pictures of my commanding officers on Inquisitional wanted posters
I am not undercover for anything
Made-up words are not allowed to be used in any official paperwork
I am not allowed to correct an Appleloosian officer about anything
There are no tiny, bearded ponies following me around. They do not exist.
Not allowed to use funeral march songs for parades
Not allowed to impersonate a deity in front of primitive world inhabitants
Not allowed to mark the CO’s tent as a paratrooper drop zone
‘Free muffins for everyone’ is not an acceptable battle plan
Not allowed to invent new, insulting commendations and award them to people I dislike
When it comes time to ‘do or cry’ I am not to flip a coin in order to speed up the process
Low-gravity planets do not entitle me to an extra serving at the mess hall
The Equestrian Guardpony’s Uplifting Primer is not to be described as ‘absorbent and durable’
I am not entitled to ‘supportive undergarments’ on high gravity planets
I am not to refer to the Captain as ‘mommy’
Not allowed to attach bumper sticks to anybody wearing power barding
‘My gun’s bigger’ is not a valid reason to contradict another officer.
A proper prayer to the Empress should not begin with ‘thanks for kicking Luna’s hindquarter’
Not allowed to send sexually-explicit messages via astrocorns to anybody in my chain of command or any other officer.
She is not to be referred to as ‘Commissar Sugarcube’
After-action reports are not to be written in Iambic pentameter
The Power of Celestia does not compel anyone
Not allowed to make it rain on any pony’s parade
The Lord-General is not old enough to have fought in the Great Crusade and I should stop implying that he is
Not allowed to request a bayonet charge from the battletanks
The battletanks are not to be used to ‘squish things’
Not allowed to quote non-existent scripture passages to impress the Adeptus Fraternis
I am not the Patron Saint of Muffins
Not allowed to play muffin-related holo-vids in the mess hall, even if they are extremely patriotic and morale-boosting
Lazegun power cells are not meant to be used to power portable holo-vid projectors
Not allowed to sell paperwork signed by Commissar Applejack for personal profit
Not allowed to barter souls while on duty
I do not need a new host body
Military-grade glue is not a substitute for styling gel
Not allowed the pie a planetary governor, if effigy or otherwise
There are no warp rifts under my bed, in my closet, or at the bottom of my footlocker
Zero-G training is not a time to show off my new gymnastics routine
Command decisions are not a democratic process and do not require a majority vote
Not allowed to introduce legislature during officers meetings
Not allowed to claim heretical regiments get better health coverage, even if it’s true
Not allowed to sell used flak vests to locals
Not allowed to barter my equipment to locals
Not allowed to refer to standard issued equipment as ‘t-shirts and flashlights’
‘Stand and cry like Guardponies’ is supposed to be inspiring
I am not authorized to call in the Inquisition
I am not allowed to launch my own Inquisition
Not allowed to join a cult while on duty
Not allowed to form a cult while on duty
Not allowed to pretend to be a different pony in order to get out of a patrol
I am not my own worst enemy
Not allowed to roll my eyes at officers
Not allowed to celebrate the end of the Luna Heresy through recreation by taking over the officer’s mess
Leaving hollowed-out computer monitors impaled on pikes outside the tech-poiny’s shrine is ill-advised
Not allowed to ask a tech-ponies to bless my cooking oil
‘Suffer so the Astartes can take all the credit’ is a bad slogan for recruitment posters
‘Equestrian Guard - come for the hazard pay, stay because desertion is heresy’ is also a bad slogan for recruitment posters
As is ‘Join the Equestrian Guard. You’ll probably be forgotten a century from now anyways.’
Not allowed to design recruitment posters
Not allowed to attend mission briefings in sleepwear
‘This is the Muffin Mare, can I take your order?’ is not the proper method when responding to a vox communication
Muffins are not a valid form of treatment for any medical conditions
Not allowed to nickname my unit, ‘the Crybaby Squad.’
Not allowed to refer to the latrine as the ‘Bronzed Throne’
Not allowed to play an audio track in the background and claim that I cannot hear it when a sanctioned mage inquires about the noise
Not allowed to form a barbershop quartet
Not allowed to imply that the Adeptus Fraternis is full of colt cuddlers
Not allowed to break an Adeptus Fraternis’ vow of silence by slapping his hindquarter
‘Flaky and golden brown’ is not a proper response when requested to give a sit-rep
Not allowed to perform impromptu song and dance routines while in uniform
Not allowed to perform impromptu song and dance routines even when not in uniform
Not allowed to throw a bag of tomatoes under a tank tread, scream, and then run and hide
Not allowed to taunt tech-ponies by claiming the answer isn’t 42
I do not have magic powers and must stop threatening to put ponies to sleep
Must not point out the idiocy of superior officers, even if it’s blindingly obvious
Must not wake up non-pegasus NCO by flying their cot fifty meters into the air
Not allowed to play knock-knock jokes on the Trojans
I am not allowed to perform marriages
Trojans cannot moon-walk
Freezas are not to be used to make snow-cones, skating rinks, or popcicles
Painted-on tattoos do not count as cutie marks
Not allowed to imply that a priestess would be a better motivator than the commissar
Nighttime curfew is not to be enforced with lazegun fire
Mission debriefings are not to be done through interpretive dance
Stop eating the ammunition