Why Pinkie shouldn't have caffeine

by Autistic Witch

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 7 (EqG), Equestria Girls, Comedy
Length: 3015

During a trip to Sunsetbits, Pinkie's hot chocolate and Sunset's six shots, post all nighter espresso get switched, and now, they have to chase down an over caffeinated sugar superhuman.

There is a school wide ban on Pinkie having coffee, caffeine is banned in the Pie house, and Sunset has banned Pinkie from even touching anything with caffeine in it. This is all for a very good reason. Now, imagine what would happen if Pinkie drank the coffee of choice of the girl who has nicknames such as 'Night Owl', 'Vampire', 'Werewolf of Canterlot', 'Nightstalker', and 'Mistress of the Night'. Hint, nothing good.

Okay, this is my first attempt at this. It's not my usual forte, so tell me what you think. I'm trying to see if I can make something funny without it being at least 'T' rated.

Published 2022-07-07 03:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-07-07 03:50:01 UTC

Pinkie+caffeine=bad

Disclaimer: DO NOT TAKE MEDICAL ADVICE FROM A COMEDY

Anyone that takes any sort of life advice from a comedy is going to end up starring in a tragedy or horror movie.

The doorbell chimed as the Rainbooms interned the coffee shop. They were close to the local university, and it was finals week. Saying they were busy would be an understatement. Luckily, high school finals week was next week. The only reason they were even in this part of the city was because Star Swirl had dumped another magical artifact in their world, and they had just spent all day trying to seal that Pandora’s box. It wasn’t actually Pandora’s box, but it had similar powers. Sunset had half a mind to fine him for illegal dumping, or shave his beard, or both. Basically, she wished Twilight had told her he was alive before he went on his friendship spirit walk.

The seven girls entered the line and waited for the horde of college aged coffee zombies ahead of them to order and go back to their tables. The girls were all varying levels of tired from Pinkie and Fluttershy, who were awake enough to be coherent, to Sunset, who was leaning forward on Twilight to not fall over. When their powers first started evolving, everyone thought Rainbow was over using hers again, but after a week of having her geode taken away, they realized it wasn’t her. It was Twilight that realized they still had control over them and that it was likely their powers were just naturally evolving. Most of the girls just got a power boost to their existing powers, but Sunset evolved a new power, telepathy. She could hear the surface thoughts of people at a distance and form a telepathic link with anyone with a geode; she was able to talk to someone that stole Fluttershy’s. It turns out she really heard her Pinkie screaming when they were hanging out with the princess. As useful as her new powers were, overuse of them caused mega headaches, and she’d over used them. The only reason she could open her eyes at all was because she had sunglasses on, and it still was painful to do so.

The girls eventually got to the front of the line, and Pinkie began ordering for them. “So, I would like a hot chocolate. What do you girls want?”

“Black coffee”, AJ said.

“Venti latte, darling”, Rarity said.

“Vanilla frappuccino”, RD said.

“That has, like, almost zero caffeine in it.”, AJ said.

“Don’t care, want cold. Plus, caffeine works better on me than you.”

“Yeah, because ya’re tiny.”

“Ya wanna say that to me again?”, RD threatened.

“If you two are awake enough to bicker, you’re awake enough to order for yourselves.”, Pinkie snapped. Being the most awake doesn’t mean she’s not tired, and she can’t have caffeine. Pinkie looked back at them with an “angry Pinkie” face, which isn’t really scary on its own, looking like an angy bulldog, but with context, it’s scary.

“Sorry”, AJ and RD said.

“A medium roast for me, please.”, Fluttershy said.

“A dark roast for me.”, Twilight said. “Sunset?” Sunset telepathically transmitted her order to Twilight, not willing to expose her eyes to the headache worsening fluorescent lights, even with sunglasses on. “Mocha with five extra shots of espresso and a cup of water. - Sunset, that’s 384 milligrams of caffeine. A cup of coffee only has 95.”

“I’ve had it before.”, Sunset transmitted.

“That makes it worse.”, Twilight berated.

“Is she okay?”, the barista asked, referring to Twilight.

“Yeah, the red one just over used her powers, and now, her skull is mutinying. One cup of water and a mocha with five extra shots. I ain’t fightin’ with a tired boss.”, Pinkie said. The barista looked at Pinkie like she was crazy, but Pinkie didn’t care. It was normal for her. “That will be all, thanks. Oh, and my name’s Pinkie, with an ‘IE’.”

“O-kay.” The barista gave Pinkie the total, and the girls split the cost. They were all too tired to figure out how much their individual drinks cost, so just split it evenly.

After paying, Pinkie and Rainbow waited in a corner for their drinks while the rest of the girls searched for a place to sit. Despite the inside being packed, the outside was more sparsely populated. Sunny blue skies and computer screens don’t mix well, even with them being in an alley of sorts. The girls were able to find a couple tables and sat down. Sunset’s head was still on Twilight’s shoulder, and she began rubbing behind where Sunset’s pony ears would be. Sunset ponied up in response to the touch and basically became a purring cat in Twilight’s hands, her headache somewhat easing. A student at a nearby table saw it, looked at his coffee then at his work, shrugged, and continued drinking.

“Guess how they spelled my name.”, Pinkie said as she and Rainbow rejoined the girls with their drinks, all the hot drinks in identical hot drink cups. They placed them in the center of the tables and took their seats.

“P, I, N, K, I, E, Y?”, Rarity guessed.

“Yup, it’s like they do it on purpose.”

“They do actually. If it’s spelled wrong, people might take a picture of it and post it to social media. It’s free marketing.”, Rarity said as she tried to find her drink. The writing was almost illegible, leaving them to have to open the cups and/or smell the contents.

Sunset grabbed her water and pulled a pill out of her jacket.

“Are ya sure that’s a good idea?”, AJ asked.

“They're just migraine meds. They already have caffeine in them.”, Sunset protested.

Pinkie grabbed one of the drinks, smelled the chocolate, and assumed it was her hot chocolate. It tasted a bit odd, but it’s not like it could be anyone else’s, as far as Pinkie knew.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t make it safe.” AJ continued to dissuade Sunset. It’s not like she was taking it with wine, but it was still mixing drugs without a doctor giving the ‘okay’.

“The caffeine makes the pain meds work faster. It’s not grapefruit.”

“Ah still don’t think that’s a good idea.”, AJ said.

“You’re not my mother.”, Sunset said in a slightly sing-song voice. Sunset popped the pills and downed them with the water. She then grabbed the only remaining drink on the table, but when she took a drink, she noticed something was off. She pulled the lid off and noticed the lack of foam and espresso smell. “Hey Pinkie, I think I grabbed your drink by mistake.”

“Then what did I just drink?”, Pinkie asked, looking down at her empty cup. “It tasted like chocolate.”

“Do you know what a mocha is, darling?”, Rarity asked, concern in her voice.

“No, I’ve never paid much attention to those fancy drinks.”

“It’s a latte with chocolate syrup.”

“Oh”, Pinkie said as if she just learned an interesting fact. “Uh-oh”

“Pinkie, how do you feel?”, Sunset asked.

As if on cue, Pinkie began vibrating in her seat. “Uh, not good.” Pinkie launched into the air and bounced off the sidewalk, then the buildings, and then whatever was strong enough to not collapse upon impact. The rest of the girls, and everyone else outside, ducked under their tables for dear life. Pinkie continued bouncing off the walls and concrete until one bounce sent her out of the alley.

Once the sounds of bouncing rubber stopped, everyone cautiously came out of hiding. The girls looked around at the destruction, luckily, there was no damage to the infrastructure, but the place was a mess with papers and bits of plastic scattered everywhere, and decimated foliage now stood in place of where well trimmed bushes once were.

“We should get out of here.”, Fluttershy said.

“It’s not like this is our fault. The barista’s the one who thought we were pharmacists that could read doctor writing.”, RD protested.

“Why don’t you try explaining that to the cops while we go find Pinkie Pie?”, Twilight proposed.

“Ngh, I just wanted coffee.”, Sunset whined.

“Quit the chit-chat, and let’s go.”, AJ ordered.

The six jumped into action and took chase after their hyper friend. Rarity used her shield to lift the non-fliers among them into the sky while the flighted of them got there under their own power. Sunset pointed Rainbow in the direction she sensed Pinkie, and she charged ahead, and The rest of the girls followed behind Rainbow. Even if they didn’t have Sunset, the girls could follow the path of destruction. Cars were dented, street lights were bent, and anything not made out of concrete was in pieces.

“We should probably skip town after we contain Pinkie.”, Sunset said.

“What do ya think they’ll explain this one as, a sewer line explosion?”, AJ asked.

“We’ll see. The damage isn’t over yet.”, Twilight said.

Rainbow flew close as she could to Pinkie then took to running after her. Her movements were erratic and sudden. It was like trying to fight a glitchy opponent. Rainbow got close enough to try and grab her, but when she got within an inch, Pinkie jumped away. “Agh, stay still!” Rainbow flapped her wings so as to not fall over and moved in to try again.

“Gotcha!” Rainbow managed to grab Pinkie’s arm, but it wouldn’t last.

“Hahahahaha, wwweeee!” Pinkie pulled a Crash Bandicoot spin and flung Rainbow into a nearby building before bouncing away. Rainbow crumpled to the ground, feeling like she got hit by a train.

“You okay?”, Fluttershy asked as the rest of the girls arrived.

“Ow”, Rainbow said before pulling herself up enough to face the girls. “We’re not going to catch her by just grabbing her.”

The girls all looked to Sunset for some sort of plan. “Okay, I’ll try to figure out what’s going on up there. Rarity, use your crystal powers to cage her. The rest of you, try to slow Pinkie down enough for Rarity.”

“Got it.”, all the girls said. Twilight took AJ in her telekinetic grasp as the flighted girls went after Pinkie. Sunset began meditating as Rarity flew after the rest of the girls.

Sunset locked onto Pinkie’s mind and dove in. Her mindscape was pure chaos. The environment looked the same, but the entities were jumping all over the place. “Pinkie Pie! Pinkie Pie!”, Sunset called out. She waded through the chaos in search of Pinkie’s inner self. She had duck under wildly swinging arms and legs and sugary confections flying everywhere in order to navigate, but she was able to find her. “Pinkie! There you are!” Pinkie was spinning and jumping around, just like in the physical world, but she seemed more aware in here.

“Hey! Sunny! What are you doing in here?!”, Pinkie asked in a very excited tone, even for her.

“Pinkie, you’re out of control and destroying the town.” was all Sunset could get out before Pinkie nearly hit her. “Wow! Hey!”

“Hey! Sunny! What are you doing in here?!”, Pinkie repeated. She was not any more aware of what was going on in here as she was out there.

“Okay, my turn.” Sunset jumped at Pinkie and tackled her. The world crumbled away, and the two of them fell into the black void. Sunset began to panic as she started having flashbacks to when she put on the crown. “Pinkie! Pinkie!”, Sunset shouted while shaking her, but Pinkie still looked higher than a kite. “Screw this.” Sunset let go of Pinkie and returned to her own body.

“Ugh”, Sunset said, clutching her head.

“How’d it go?”, Rarity asked.

“We need to contain her until the caffeine wears off. How are we doing on that?”

“Well,” Rarity pointed over Sunset’s shoulder, and Sunset turned to look, only to see that the coffee had awakened chaos magic within Pinkie. Rubber ducks replaced cars, light posts were candy canes, pudding from an unknown source was being splattered over everything, and it began raining sprinkles, also from an unknown source. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, cotton candy or otherwise.

“What the f-?”, Sunset tried to say but was cut off by Pinkie putting her finger over her mouth.

“Nuh-huh-uh, no bad words, Sunny. This is an ‘E’ rated story.” Pinkie launched off, back into the fray, after saying that, leaving Sunset both baffled and annoyed.

“Great”, Sunset said sarcastically. The other four girls now surrounded Pinkie, but Pinkie was moving so erratically that they were unlikely to be able to keep it that way. “We need to get Pinkie under control before she decides to blow up these sprinkles. Let’s get down there.”

Rarity lowered them to the ground, and they charged in. “Rarity! Now!”, AJ called out. Rarity surrounded them in a crystal dome. Pinkie bounced around the dome as the other girls tried to tackle her.

“Can’t you magically put her to sleep or something?!”, Rainbow asked Sunset.

“I can try, but I need her to be still for that.”

“You heard her ladies!”, Twilight shouted. Twilight tried to magically grab Pinkie, Rarity launched creeping crystals at her, and the rest of the girls tried to grab her physically, resulting in faceplants and Pinkie whacking them.

“I got her! I got her!”, Fluttershy called out while holding onto Pinkie’s arm. However, that did little to slow Pinkie down, and Fluttershy was being flung around like a cat toy. “Um, help!”

Rarity managed to hit Pinkie with some crystal as she ran across the ground, trapping her in place. However, conservation of momentum means that Fluttershy was sent flying, straight into Sunset. “Aaaiiiyyy!” *Crash*

“Ooh, you okay, darlings?”, Rarity asked as she spread the crystal further up Pinkie’s body.

“I’m okay.”, Fluttershy said.

“Sigh, I’m fine.”, Sunset grumbled. The two of them untangled themselves, and Sunset got up, put her glasses back on, and approached Pinkie. She looked just as high as her inner self. “Okay, Pinkie, night-night time.” Sunset placed her first two fingers on Pinkie’s temples and activated the spell. A soft light emanated from Sunset’s fingers, and Pinkie got a blissed out look on her face. This spell was normally near instantaneous, but Sunset first had to remove the metaphorical brick from behind Pinkie’s “brake”. It wasn’t anything strenuous. She just had to hold the spell for longer.

After a few minutes spent counteracting the caffeine, Pinkie finally fell asleep.

“Are we sure she’s asleep?”, RD asked.

“Yes, Rainbow, I’m tired, not ineffective.”, Sunset snapped.

“So, home and nap once we’re done?”

“Yes”, Sunset said more calmly. “Sorry for snapping.”

“Don’t worry, I understand.”

Rarity removed the crystal from Pinkie, and AJ slung Pinkie over her shoulder.

“Does this mean tha caffeine is out of her system?”, AJ asked.

“Not at all. I just forced her to sleep. She’s going to need to be kept under for the next ten hours, at least.”, Sunset answered. “Now, let’s see the damage.”

Rarity dropped the dome, and the girls surveyed the damage. Although the sprinkles and pudding that already existed remained, no more were being generated, and everything that had been transformed was turned back when Pinkie was put to sleep. However, any damage not caused by magic remained.

“Yeesh, that’s a mess.”, RD said. To make the situation worse, the sound of police sirens were quickly approaching. “We’re so arrested.”

“Everyone, look shocked and bewildered and stay quiet. I’ll handle the cops.”, Sunset ordered. Sunset quickly moved out of the road, and the rest of the girls followed.

Several cop cars came down the road, some of the cops parking and getting out to look at the damage. One of the cars stopped in front of them, and the officer stepped out. “Hey, did you girls see what did this?”, the officer asked.

“I’m sorry officer. We didn’t. As soon as we heard the crashing and banging, we ran and hid and only came out when the noses stopped. The only thing we noticed were the raining sprinkles.”, Sunset lied.

“Raining… sprinkles?” The officer looked down and only then saw what he was stepping on were sprinkles. “What the?”

“Yes, officer, it was the strangest thing. It was like normal rain but sprinkles.”

The officer looked back up at them with the most confused face Sunset had ever seen on an officer. “Is your friend back there okay?”

“We think she fainted from fright, but we’re taking her to the hospital, to be safe.”

“Do you need a ride?”

“No thank you, officer. We’ll be fine.”

“Okay, you be safe.”, the officer said, trying to find some normalcy.

“Will do, officer. Thank you.” Sunset turned away from the officer and began hurriedly walking away, and the rest of the girls followed in short order.

The girls hurried out of there with the cops more concerned with everything else. As soon as they were out of sight from the cops and anyone else, Rarity put them in a sphere and flew them back to Pinkie’s house, landing in her backyard. Twilight took Pinkie’s keys and unlocked the door, and AJ brought Pinkie upstairs while Sunset passed out of the couch.

“Do you think Sunset’s spell will keep Pinkie under for ten hours?”, Fluttershy asked.

“I’ll go make sure she’s restrained.”, Rarity said, then headed upstairs.

Twilight sat down next to Sunset’s head and stroked her hair and scratched behind her ears. Sunset showed no sign of stirring. Twilight pulled Sunset’s head onto her lap and continued stroking her hair and scratching her ears.

“So, what now? Should we watch Pinkie in shifts or what?”, Fluttershy asked.

“That might actually be a good idea.”, AJ said as she and Rarity came down the stairs. “Who’s goin’ first?”

The four remaining girls all looked at each other like in a western, and their fingers began to twitch. “Nose go.”, all the girls said and touched their noses.

“Aw nuts.”, Fluttershy said, having lost. “Wait, no parents or kids, I can swear for real. Fu-”