Twilight was no stranger to insomnia.
Whether it was studying for a midterm, researching for her latest experiment, or spending nights engrossed in the Canterlot Archives, she would constantly stay up.
Funny enough, when she was younger, she loved and reveled in her late-night exhibitions. She loved the solitude within the castle and being the only one to bask in the information she learned every night. She especially loved the look of surprise on Princess Celestia’s face after reciting to her the latest topic she learned that night, something she wasn’t supposed to know until much later in her studies.
However, lately, her unrest seemed less willing and more accidental, much to her dismay.
So the fact she couldn’t sleep this particular night hadn’t been a surprise to her. Though she had secretly hoped that after all the villains she had encountered, and defeated, over the years surely she would finally get some well-deserved rest. But, it seems even when she was finally given the opportunity to relax her mind still screamed and chased her.
She was foolish to think her mind would cease. She was foolish to think she would get the opportunity to breathe.
Lying in her bed and staring at the canopy brought her dread as she still felt wide awake with only her racing heart to keep her company. Occasionally, her chest suddenly felt tight, and then she would internally demand herself to regain control. She had to regain control. Taking in slow careful breaths the feeling welling inside her finally stops.
For a while she focused on her breathing, maintaining the even rise of her chest, keeping it consistent. It was something she learned with Cadance when they were younger. And Twilight found it humorous that she still used the same technique many years later. She had to thank Cadance sometime for teaching her such an effective method.
Controlling and only paying attention to her breathing helped her calm down in any situation. Before an exam, or talking to a prominent figure, or demonstrating her magic in front of other ponies, the technique had helped her maintain her composure. It allowed her to put her efforts into doing one task. Which was something she now desperately needed on any given occasion.
Earlier, she had gone through a set of diplomacy training with Princess Celestia. Part of her enjoyed and liked the fact she was learning one-on-one with the princess again. But the other part of her was ignited by a familiar feeling of dread. Dread that prompted her to be wide awake some nights. Dread she tried to avoid when first knowing about her position as Crown Princess.
Twilight had to get out of her thoughts.
Getting up from her bed and trying to find something to preoccupy herself, she led herself to her study. A private room across from the castle’s library. A spacious room filled with homely oak furniture and her favourite book titles, from Daring Do and the Marked Thief of Marapore all the way to Passions of the Soul by Hayscartes. But most importantly the room served as a safe haven for her on nights like these. Which had become awfully more frequent.
Lighting the candles around the room with her magic she paused when a cool breeze hit her coat, looking out the window that she must’ve forgotten to close the previous time she was here, she took the time to take in the night.
At night everything felt enchanting, the world seemed to pause as everything swayed with the winds and the glistening stars were ever so bright. Twilight adored it. Adored the silence. Adored being the only one at this moment to truly appreciate it.
But now they just seem to taunt her. As if they were beckoning her to go back to sleep and appreciate them while she rests. She paid them no more attention.
Walking towards the private bookcase, she reflected on the day. The diplomacy lessons went well. Clearly, the years of learning about friendship helped her consider all her options and then choose which would be best for all parties to avoid conflict. In this case, instead of avoiding a break-up in a friendship, she was avoiding a full-blown war. A lot was on the line when it came to diplomacy, much more important things were on the lines other than mere friendships.
Wars.
Important trade routes.
Natural resources.
The livelihood of every creature living in Equestria.
Economy.
Alliances.
These were just some of the things that were on the list of things on the line. Much more pressing things than friendships.
Even if she were to simply look at the ambassador from a different nation ‘wrongly’ or perhaps forget to bow, that could be the end of a possible relationship. The well-being of a nation rested on her very shoulders. She groaned at the very notion.
Though she excelled at all her meetings, Celestia even said she was doing well, but there was still a nagging feeling that swelled in her heart after every lesson. When’s the next time I’m going to mess it all up?
I can’t mess up. I can’t afford to mess up.
She felt her breathing quicken, only slightly, but enough to make her tremble.
Breathe.
Twilight looked around the room to cling to a different thought besides spiraling.
Looking at the window she does admit the silk curtains Rarity commissioned for her looked breathtaking under the night gaze; she simply hoped she could enjoy their presence unconsciously and not have them be the only thing keeping her from utterly going insane due to her wake.
Letting out a sigh, she decided to at least do something productive. Glaring at the pile of papers on the grand oak desk she sat down and began looking at new laws and paperwork she needed to file out. Paperwork she didn’t even know what was about. Nor did she really know what she was doing; she was just filling them and then organizing them. Not retaining, not absorbing, just filling them mindlessly for a selfish reason of escapism.
Maybe I should re-catalog the receipts next, it would be handy when taxes come-
“Twilight? What are you still doing here?” Her thoughts stopped when a familiar voice asked behind her.
Twilight placed the papers back on her desk and turned to see Spike, still rubbing his eyes to adjust to the candlelight. His grip tightly clutched onto a blanket.
Twilight smiled at his appearance, “Spike, why are you awake?” She asked while reshelving the stack of books beside her trying to look as occupied as possible to look as though nothing was amiss.
Spike let out a yawn, walking up beside Twilight to meet her, he groggy said, “I thought I heard you,” Twilight cursed herself for not being quiet, “and I wanted to check up on you,” he added.
“That’s really nice of you Spike, but I’m fine, you can go back to bed,” she said, slowly pushing him towards the door while keeping her focus on the books.
Spike turned and met Twilight’s eyes, she saw the corners of Spike’s mouth frown, “Twilight, why do you stay up so late?”
She halted her levitation spell and the book in her grasp fell to the floor, “I just have a lot of work to do,” she answered. Spike leaned down, picking up the book and placing it on the right shelf. He moved around a couple of books, unsatisfied with the way they were placed. He wordlessly continued to the stack of papers on her desk, “Spike what are you doing?”
Not pausing his work he responded, “Helping you of course,” as it was the most natural thing to do, “if we finish this fast you still have time to get some rest!”
Twilight let out a sigh, “Spike, I appreciate the gesture, but it’s really okay, I have it handled-”
Spike raised a claw to cut her sentence, “Nope! We’re a team, remember?” He grinned.
Twilight couldn’t help but smile as well, “Right, of course,” she whispered more to herself than to Spike.
“And I think you’re forgetting that I organize your files as well. The workload has been consistent, I don’t think the amount of work has a correlation to you staying up,” he said, his face etched with concern.
Twilight didn’t know what to say, “I…” she began before trailing off.
“Is something on your mind?” He asked.
“What? No-” She stammered. She responded too fast. Too hastily. Which prompted Spike to raise an eyebrow.
At that point, they had both stopped organizing the paperwork and books, which lay limply on the floor as the two exchanged, “Twilight, what’s wrong?” He finally asked.
Twilight bit the inside of her cheek, “I don’t really know.” she confessed, letting out a sigh of defeat.
Spike nodded as if he understood what she was thinking perfectly, although not voicing it out properly.
He walked over to the couch by the window, and sat on it, urging Twilight to take a seat, she did. She had to admit the cool breeze felt nice. Calming the heat in her mind.
“I guess, I’m a little nervous.” Spike moved closer to Twilight bringing a blanket to drape across her.
Spike nodded, “Ruling over a nation is a big deal.” Twilight nodded, although she didn’t mention the fact that that was the source of her stress Spike intuitively knew. As if it was his own emotion and mind as well.
“I just- I can’t believe things will never be the same as they were when I finally take the throne. Running a school was hard enough, I- I don’t know if I can even consider the whole country just yet. And what if I mess it all up! I swear we’re going to be at war on the first day!” She exclaimed, spilling the thoughts that plagued her earlier that day.
Spike let out a laugh, “Well, if we do go to war, at least rest assured I’ll be there to protect you. I’ll make sure they won’t come near you,” He proclaimed, swinging his arm around to act as a sword. Twilight chucked at the act.
“And if you do mess up, or stumble and fall,” He continued, “I’ll be by your side.” He whispered, giving her a reassuring smile.
“I'll always be here for you, Twi. Always.” She held onto the words Spike uttered like it was her lifeline and briefly allowed herself to believe them.
Spike’s whispered comforting words started falling on deaf ears because her mind was still ablaze. She didn’t know when but tears started falling freely. After a while though she did feel calmer, Twilight slowly looked up and saw Spike still smiling at her, he gently wiped the tears off her face. Spike moved towards her Twilight wrapped her arms around him.
“I think you’re overworking yourself again,” Spike admitted, snuggling closer to her.
Twilight draped her wing across Spike and laughed, “Really?”
He nodded, “Mhm, eye bags check, mumbling check, avoidance check, overnight organizing check,” He said waving a claw at every item. “As your number one assistant, I declare that you take a break. Preferably a long nap.”
Twilight smiled, rolled her eyes, and ruffled his spikes, “You know I can overrule that as a princess right?”
“You wouldn’t dare!” Spike said with an exaggerated gasp. “My rules are above yours, Princess,” he said with a pout.
Twilight chuckled, “And why do you say that?”
“Because I know what’s best for you.” He simply replied knowing it was true. They both knew it to be true.
A yawn escaped from Spike as Twilight hugged Spike tighter, “I suppose I won’t veto it then.” Spike smiled at that response and closed his eyes.
She focused on his slow breathing, the cool breeze, and the way Rarity’s curtain danced. For once she felt her chest loosen from the iron grip she cast upon herself.
After a few minutes, Twilight spoke up again, “Spike?”
“Hm?”
“Thank you,”
“Of course…” He said in a daze, finally falling asleep.
For the first time in a while, Twilight felt alright. She felt reassured that although things may not go as planned in the future she feels lighter knowing someone will be there to keep her afloat. And staying afloat for a while longer is all she needs as she feels herself begin to drift off. Holding Spike close to her and allowing the rhythm of his breathing to guide her to a peaceful sleep.
