The Elements of Harm Many

by Doctor Axiom

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Discord, Alternate Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Mystery
Length: 2257

Twifight Sparkill must obtain the Elements of Harm Many if she must defeat Lightmare Boon and restore Evil to the land! (a crackfic I've taken too seriously)

It's a beautiful day in the city of Cantershot, and Princess Killestia isn't taking Twifight Sparkill's suspicions seriously. How is she supposed to defeat an Ancient Good if she has to travel to Ponykill to make more minions? All the ponies there are crazy! And who is this strange creature with mismatched limbs that keeps trying to interfere with Spike's day?

This is a crackfic. It is a crackfic I have taken way too seriously. Please don't read into the crackfic, it's entirely an excuse to come up with a bunch of super edgy pony name substitutions.

Edit: Now with an excellent reading by Skijarama!

Published 2022-06-25 19:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-06-25 19:10:01 UTC

Go make some minions

Spike the dragon awoke with a start in a broom closet.

His broom closet. And his room.

Spike briefly wondered why he should be surprised to wake up in his one place of solace from his mistress. The base of his skull prickled and it felt like something was distinctly wrong with the world. He continued to wonder what could be wrong for a few minutes before he realized it wasn’t really a minion's place to wonder.

Satisfied with this thought, Spike yawned and disentangled his leg from a bucket. He crept forward to peek under the door. There was but the barest hint of light underneath, which meant he was still early enough to perform his EVIL chores without you-know-who getting on his case about it.

He opened the door and set his bucket and mop outside. Through the window he could see the first lazy beams of sunlight hit the myriad dark spires that made up the city. The view from the tallest tower of the castle was incredible, and he was always happy to see the intricate gothic architecture that made up the city of Cantershot. Spike sighed contentedly. The only thing more symbolic of villainy was the perfectly applied black eyeshadow of Princess Killestia herself.

He had mopped about half the floor of the main room when he heard a thump and a clatter from inside the bathroom.
“Twi..fight?” he called hesitantly.

A decidedly male-sounding groan responded. He opened the door. A strange creature with mismatched arms, mismatched legs, mismatched wings, two mismatched horns and a strange tail looked back at him with a shocked expression.

He pointed his mop threateningly at it. “Who are you!?”

The creatures eyes darted from side to side. Then it reached up a taloned hand and snapped its fingers. With a poof, it vanished.

A moment later the door to his mistress’s study burst open.

“Spike! Were you talking to someone?”

“N..No Twifight! There was an intruder here, but I think I scared him off!”

Twifight Sparkill peeked out of the door with a bob of her lavender head.

“That’s why you’re my Number One Minion, Spike.”

She continued down the stairs.

“Can you take a letter for me?”

Spike dropped his mop and broom and quickly grabbed a quill and a scroll from his desk. “Oh how horrible, but if I must, Twifight!”

“My most Hated and Feared Princess Killestia,

“My ongoing studies have led me to believe that a long gone force of goodness, Lightmare Boon, is soon to return!

“If it pleases you, I would like to obtain the Elements of Harm Many for you and be at your side while you crush this disgusting would-be usurper of your unholy throne.

“Your faithful apprentice, Twfight Sparkill.”

Spike finished writing the letter with a flourish, and exhaled with his green sending flame over the letter. They both watched as magic particles were carried away towards Killestia’s throne room.

“That sounds pretty serious, Twifight.”

“It is, Spike. I hope she takes the letter seriously.”

Almost immediately as she said this, Spike began to feel the fire well up within his throat. With a large belch, he exhaled green flame that materialized into a letter.

“To my faithful apprentice,” he read.

“I can’t believe you’re this much of a nerd to fall for old myths like that. I’m sending you to Ponykill to make some more minions and get the place ready for the Summer Sun Sacrifice.”

Twifight blinked at Spike.

“What!?”

“I think it’s pretty clear where she stands, Twifight.”

“I know but, ugh this thing about making more minions again. I already have my number one minion, why do I have to make more?”

Spike blushed.

“You’re a terrible and horrid mistress to me Twifight, but it couldn’t hurt for you to have more minions.”

“I guess that’s true.”

"Do you want me to pack your torture kit?"

"Yes. We'll definitely need it."

Twifight complained all the way to Ponykill, and by the end of the flight Spike was tired of trying to pacify her. The instant she landed, a pink pony with a trio of balloons for a cutie mark immediately made an overdramatic gasp, somehow inflated herself to 3 times her size, and then ran away faster than the eye could follow.

“How could she expect me to make minions in a town like this!?” Twifight flapped her evil checklist around frustratedly. “The ponies here are all crazy!”

Despite Twifight’s objections, however, the rest of the day went mostly according to plan.

They checked on the catering at the farm of a pony named Applejackknife. Applejackknife proved to be an expert at tortures of excess, even the experienced Twifight overate. The catering for the Summer Sun Sacrifice was sure to be appropriately evil and horrid.

They met a shy beastmaster named Cuttershy who absolutely fawned over him and the hellish screams she was able to produce from her animals would be the perfect symphony to go with the Sacrifice. Cuttershy even borrowed the enchanted feathers from Twifight's torturing kit to apply the most terrible tickle-torture to her beasts.

They ran into an incredibly dangerous and brash Pegasus named Painbow Slash who initially crashed into Twifight. After Twifight appropriately subjugated her with stern words, she showed off her skills at making the sky ominous and despairing in 10 seconds flat.

And of course, the dark and alluring Fatality, a unicorn that made Spike’s heart beat right out of his chest. Her eyeshadow was even better than that of Princess Killestia. Spike swooned just thinking about how evil she looked. He was sure her decorations would be more than appropriate for the Sacrifice.

They finally reached the evil library where he and Twifight were staying, and things got even better! Turns out the pink pony they saw at the beginning of the day was a party pony who was an expert at creating lamentations and terrible events named Pinkie Die. Pinkie Die had set up a surprise party to celebrate an evil new pony arriving in town. Unfortunately, as soon as the party started, Twifight seemed very frustrated.

“Are you having fun, Twifight?” Pinkie Die asked her.

“It’s loud, there are too many ponies I don’t know, and no one is taking my message about Lightmare Boon seriously!” Twifight shook her head. “How am I supposed to find the legendary Elements of Harm Many if I have to make minions and arrange this place for the Summer Sun Sacrifice!?”

Twifight stormed off to the upstairs room and slammed the door behind her. Pinkie Die seemed disappointed, but then went back to socializing.

It occurred to Spike that as Twifight’s number one minion he should try to cheer her up. Maybe he could make her understand that if the ponies in this town thought she was so evil they threw a party when they first met her, she’d be able to make a ton of great minions with no problem.

He made to walk up the stairs after her, when a talon reached out from the closet near the stairs and suddenly yanked him inside and closed the door.

The same mismatched creature from the morning stood before Spike, a pleading expression on his face and a hand covering Spike’s mouth. The creature made a shush’ing sound.

“You again!” said Spike, “I’m warning you, my mistress is the Princess’s personal apprentice and if you try anything funny, you’ll be in big trouble!”

“Please! Spike. You have to let me explain.”

Spike tapped his foot impatiently. “I’m listening.”

“My name is Discord, the spirit of chaos and disharmony.”

“Oh that sounds really evil! Are you here to help celebrate the Summer Sun Sacrifice?”

Discord clenched his hands in frustration. “I’m not supposed to be evil! I’m supposed to be good. You’re supposed to be good. All the ponies in here are supposed to be good, but they’re all here preaching about being terrible and awful and hurting and maiming and killing. I even overheard my dear Fluttershy talking about extracting ‘more screams’ from ‘her beasts’ and she would never do that. She’s the one who turned me good.”

“You mean… Cuttershy?”

Discord emitted a wail of despair.

“Yes. Yes, Cuttershy. I changed something, Spike, I changed something about the world we live in and now everyone is evil. I tried to change it back but it’s. not. working. But you have to help me! Somehow you seem the least affected by all this.”

Something prickled in the base of Spike’s skull again.

“I don’t think I should help anyone who claims to be a force of good. Twifight was already freaking out about somepony called ‘Lightmare Boon.’ You’re not with her, are you?”

“No I’m n– ”

The door to the closet burst open with a flare of violet aura. Twifight was behind it, her horn blazing.
“SPIKE! Are you alright? Pinkie Die said you got pulled into the closet by someth– ”

Discord flew out the door in a flash.

“That was him, Twifight! The intruder from the morning in your closet in Cantershot!”

Twifight ran out the door to give chase. “Come back here! Don’t mess with my number one minion!” She yelled.

Applejackknife, Painbow Slash, Pinkie Die, and Fatality all followed her, murmuring things about helping fight the intruder.

“Where is Sweetie Hell?” Fatality asked Applejackknife as they came out.

“Fearilee is watching her with Apple Doom and Brutalloo,” Applejackknife replied.

As they all rushed out the door, they saw that Cuttershy was coming down the road with a flock of birds tweeting behind her.

“I’m sorry I’m late to the party,” she said, “who’s this?”

“That’s Discord!” yelled Spike from behind the ponies, “He says he’s the spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, but he also says he’s a force of Good!”

By this point, Twifight, Pinkie Die, Fatality, Painbow Slash, Applejackknife, and Cuttershy had surrounded the interloper.

“You’re all supposed to be good!” Discord screamed. “The world was good yesterday, and I broke it somehow! You have to believe me!”

Applejackknife pawed at the ground with a hoof. “It doesn't sound like you're lying. But do y’have any proof of that?”

“I’ll show you!” Quicker than anypony around could react, Discord flew up to Cuttershy and put his hand on her head. Her eyes seemed to glow and show spirals for a bit, and then she shook her head to clear it.

Discord gave her a plaintive look. “Please tell me you feel different now.”

Cuttershy harshly whispered at the flock of birds following her. “Scream in pain for me, beasts.”

The birds following her tweeted gently and happily in response.

Cuttershy cackled madly in turn.

Discord let out a wail of despair. “It’s like I can’t turn you good because my magic doesn’t think you’re evil!”

Twifight’s horn flared and she enclosed the good Discord in a bubble of violet.

“That should stop him from acting out. Honestly. Accusing us all of being good.”

“He’s got a point Twifight.” Something prickled in the base of Spike’s skull, just like the morning and when Discord spoke to him in the closet. “I mean, I know you’re my evil mistress and I’m your minion, but you’ve never abused or broken me. I’m just, I dunno, supposed to act scared of you and call you awful and horrible.”

Hope seemed to light up behind Discord’s eyes.

“I know what I did!” He exclaimed. He reached up with a talon and snapped his fingers. The world turned white.

Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Spike all woke up on the crystal floor of the Castle of Friendship. The sun was shining, it was a beautiful day, and Discord stood before them looking sheepish.

Twilight glared and asked, “Discord, what did you do?”

Discord started laughing. A joyous, happy, relieved laugh. It took him a moment to catch his breath.

“I changed the names and appearances of the concepts of good and evil! I didn’t actually make you all evil! I was so confused! I’ve never been able to overturn harmony and good before, and I was terrified that I had done so now! That’s why I had so much trouble changing it back.”

“Why in Equestria would you go and do something like that!?” Twilight asked angrily.

“Well, ordinarily even I know not to mess with the fundamental cosmic strings behind the universe, but Fluttershy said it would be okay if I made it so she could live forever with me.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I didn’t think you were going to try to tamper with the entire universe!”

“I really am sorry.”

Twilight rubbed the base of her horn with her hoof. “Well at least you didn’t have to deal with us AND the bizarre version of Nightmare Moon at the same time.”

“I’m just happy Spike wasn’t fully affected! If it weren’t for his insight, I wouldn’t have figured it out!” Discord flew up and tousled Spike’s head scales playfully. Spike swatted his hand away and extricated himself from Discord’s grasp.

“Are you ever going to pluck at the fundamental cosmic strings that control reality again?” Fluttershy asked.

“Probably not for another thousand years.” Discord looked around nervously.

Fluttershy sighed and shook her head again. “That’s good enough for me.”

Author's Note

Don't read into this cosmology, I beg of you.

Pretend I was having a fever-dream when I wrote it and take it for what it is.

Thanks for reading!