Not ANOTHER One! (An Anon-A-Miss Parody)

by CapNTilfy

Rating: teen
Tags: Sunset Shimmer, Main 6, Equestria Girls, Sex, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Profanity, Random
Length: 2413

Wait. Are you serious?! ANOTHER goddamn Anon-A-Miss Story?!

Oh my god, really?! Haven't we all had enough of this? I mean, just look at Sunset! The poor horsewoman can hardly take it anymore!

You know what, screw it. Just read it, you know how the story goes.

Or DO you?

...you probably do.

100th Story Special!

Featured 6/25/2022!

Inspired in part by shortskirtsandexplosion's story "Ma'am, This Is a Wendy's...?"

Which taught me not to hold back when I'm trying to be funny.

Here's a list of all my stories for easy access!

Published 2022-06-25 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-06-25 00:10:01 UTC

Make it STAHP

It was a chilly winter’s day as Sunset Shimmer and Applejack walked to Canterlot High, one of the most calm and collected schools in the district. Little did either of them know that soon one of the nicest places on earth would be filled with anger. Controversy. People would be calling for blood… oh wait, nevermind. The author was just foreshadowing the comments section. Anyway…

Snow fell around the pair as they reached the entrance.

“Wow,” Applejack said in awe.

“Yeah,” Sunset agreed.

“I love winter. Hot cocoa, the smell of new snow, buildin’ a fire in the fireplace… but my favorite part is just bein’ home for the holidays with all my family.”

“That reminds me, how are your parents?”

“Mah parents are dead,” Applejack roared as she slapped Sunset. The farmer blinked in surprise. “Sorry ‘bout that. Dunno what came over me!”

Sunset gently rubbed her cheek. “Don’t worry about it. You’d be surprised how many times I’ve asked that question to people I didn’t know were orphans.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow as they both entered the school. “Right… so like I was saying, isn’t bein’ home for the holidays with your family the best?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Oh shit, are your parents dead too?!”

Sunset shook her head. “No… I just haven’t been home for the holidays in a long time.”

“Oh. Right.” Applejack’s face fell. “Did they have the same holidays back, uh… where you came from?”

A ball flew past Sunset, who ignored it. “I don’t know about the same holidays,” she said. “But yeah. Everypony… everybody gets together with their families in the winter.”

“Even before I came here I wasn’t very close to my family,” Sunset continued as the same ball flew past her again. “And the first few years here… well, I wasn’t close to anyone.” She and Applejack opened their lockers and put their backpacks in. “I mean, I can’t blame anyone for not wanting to hang out with me… I did sabotage friendships and manipulate people after all.”

Applejack’s eyes widened as the ball flew over her head. “So you’ve been alone on the holidays… for all that time?”

“Yep,” Sunset said quietly.

“That… that’s awful!”

“Yep.” Sunset smiled. “But don’t worry about me! I’ve got you guys now!” She and Applejack hugged.

As soon as the hug was broken, Sunset saw the ball return and she grabbed it in midair. “All right, what the hell is this all about?” She looked at the spherical object, which had the word ‘idiot’ written on it.

“It’s some kinda new-fangled trend that started yesterday. Everyone ‘round here’s been catching that there ball… except for the staff. They have a tendency to drop it.”

“Trends are weird sometimes,” Sunset said as she threw the ball behind herself. “Well, I’ll see you later, AJ!”

“Yeah… later, Sunset!”

Applejack watched as Sunset left, then took out her phone and composed a text.

Hey girls! Friendship emergency! Secret meeting in the library after school! DON’T TELL SUNSET!

She sent the message to Pinkie, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, then shut her locker and headed to class.

Later that day, Pinkie was in the school library posting funny pictures of herself on MyStable.

“Oh, Pinkie,” Miss Cheerilee trilled. “I hope you’re not using a school computer to go to MyStable!”

Pinkie laughed nervously. “Of course not, Miss Cheerilee!” She watched her walk away, then switched tabs to view a video of questionable content involving a duck, an umbrella, and a clearly depraved clown with a wet hacking cough.

Don’t give the author that look! Just be thankful he didn’t include anything that would violate the Geneva Conventions!

Eventually, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash entered the library, with Applejack seemingly appearing out of thin air.

“So what’s the emergency, AJ,” Rainbow asked. “What’s up with Sunset?”

“Well, I think she gets pretty lonely around the holidays, an’ I think we can help her with that!”

“What’s your plan, darling,” Rarity asked eagerly.

“Two words: slumber parties! We should have parties at everybody’s houses, leadin’ up to everybody coming over to Sweet Apple Acres for the holidays!”

“Oh, I’d love to,” Fluttershy said excitedly.

“You know,” Rainbow said. “I don’t think I’ve ever met your family!”

“Really? Well, they’re-”

“Ooh!” Pinkie squealed. “Me first!”

Fluttershy slapped the palm of her hand against her face. “Motherfucker,” she muttered under breath. “Got the fans all excited for nothing!”

“Parties are my life,” Pinkie exclaimed almost overzealously.

“Uhh… sounds good to me, Pinkie,” Applejack said, feeling as though she needed an adult for some reason.

Meanwhile, Sunset was at her locker as she heard a high-pitched noise approach her. Since she wasn’t naked and dry-humping a fire extinguisher, that meant that she was awake and Pinkie had something ‘exciting’ to tell her.

To prepare herself, Sunset cracked her knuckles, then neck.

“SUNSEEEEEEEET!”

Pinkie tackled Sunset, who shoved her tongue into the partyphile’s mouth.

Yeah, the author knows what you came for. Hot, lesbian tongue-on-tongue action! ...Wait, there’s no romance or sex in Anon-A-Miss? Dammit, the author thought he did his research! Or was he just on PornHub all night?

You know what? Screw it, let’s just skip the rest of this scene then.

Later that day, everyone arrived at Pinkie’s house.

“Welcome to Party Central,” Pinkie chirped as the girls entered her room.

The walls were covered with streamers, while balloons were tied to nearly every damned thing. Confetti and party favors covered the floor, except near the television and a table which held refreshments and a DVD with clearly fetish-based content.

“Wow, Pinkie,” Sunset said in awe. “You really went all out!”

Pinkie blinked in confusion. “What are you talking about? My room’s always been like this!”

“Dibs on the games,” Rainbow shouted as she rushed to the TV. She sat down and grabbed a controller. “Someone wanna play me in Magic Drive Racer VI Deluxe: The First Prologue of a New and Seemingly Endless Story Arc?” She handed Fluttershy a controller. “Here, Fluttershy, try a round!”

“Um, thanks, but I don’t think-”

“C’mon! It’ll help you relax!”

“Thank you, but-”

“Look! If you do a finishing move on me at the right time, you’ll unlock a new Encyclopediadex entry!”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “I am invested in the deep lore now,” she monotoned.

Time passed, and the girls enjoyed their time together. Laughter was shared and games were played.

Sunset sighed happily as Rarity braided her hair. “So this is what you do at slumber parties? Just… hang out?”

“Pretty much,” Applejack said. “Eat, gossip, watch movies, tell scary stories!”

“Don’t forget comparing breast sizes,” Pinkie chirped.

Don’t look at the author like he’s a sick fuck! He can dream!

Rainbow interrupted the moment as she walked Fluttershy away from the television. “I think she might need to lay down.”
“So much backstory,” Fluttershy said with a mixture of horror and excitement in her voice. “So confused… need to play the rest of the series…”

There was a knock on Pinkie’s bedroom door.

“I’ll get it!” Pinkie leapt off the floor, then opened her door. Standing in the hallway was Maud, her sister. She was holding a ridiculous amount of pizza.

“Hello, Pinkie,” Maud said with in a monotone that would make Wednesday Addams a lesbian. “The sixteen pizzas you ordered have arrived.”

“Oh, Maud,” Pinkie chirped as she gave her sister a super-huggle. “You’re the best sister ever!”

Maud blinked slowly. “They’re dripping grease on my shoes.”

More time passed, which is an author’s way of saying nothing interesting happened for who knows how long…

Sunset laid on Pinkie’s bed with her eyes closed. She sighed happily. “Thank you, girls. I haven’t done anything like this in so long… you know, not counting that time with the sirens. It’s good to have friends.”

“Hey, I feel the same,” Rainbow said as she leaned forward onto the bed.

“Same here,” Applejack chimed in. “It means a lot to me. Havin’ friends to support me makes-”

“Country roads… take me home…”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Dammit, that’s my phone…”

“To the place… I BELAAAAAWNG!”

“Quick, pick it up before the Copyright Police bust down my bedroom door again!”

Before she could ask Pinkie what she meant by ‘again’, Applejack picked her phone up. “Whoever this is, you just ruined a real heartwarmin’ moment.”

There was a moment of awkward silence… then the person on the phone spoke.

“Frau Blucher.”

Sunset whinnied in terror, then blushed furiously.

“Dammit, Apple Bloom,” Applejack said in exasperation. “Y’all know yer not supposed to use that name in vain!”

“Couldn’t help it. Anyways, Granny wanted me to call and make sure you were doin’ all right.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “‘Course I’m all right! Tell Granny Smith to stop her worrying!”

“Yeah,” Sunset chimed in. “AJ’s doing just fine!”

“All right, all right,” Apple Bloom conceded. “I’m just the messenger. Have a good night… ‘Piggly Wiggly’.”

Pinkie blanched, then hurriedly looked out her window for the Copyright Police. She shuddered, then went into the fetal position.

“Creeeeping in my skinnnn... these scars won’t disappear…”

Sunset gave Pinkie a weird look, then turned back to Applejack. “So… how’d you get that name?”

Applejack heaved a sigh. “I was caught sleeping with the pigs.”

Rarity’s eyes widened in shock. “You did what?!”

“I ain’t never felt so dirty before… I wanted to keep that a secret between the family, but Apple Bloom calls me that every now and then to take me down a few pegs.”

“Um,” Fluttershy said softly, her cheeks slightly red. “What was it like? I’ve always wondered what it felt like to be fucked by an animal.”

Heat rose to Applejack’s face. “Ah fell asleep in the mud next to them! I’d never have sex with a pig!”

Rarity’s excitement evaporated so quickly the author didn’t have time to come up with a witty analogy. “Oh, pooh, that’s not exciting.”

Fluttershy’s face reddened further. “I’m going to curl up into a ball and die now, if that’s okay with everyone.”

“Yeah,” Applejack agreed. “I think we should all get some sleep.” As she watched everyone around her slowly drift off to sleep, she wiped some sweat off of her brow. Thank the Lord nobody saw her with the family Blue Ribbon cow! What happened between herself and Mootilda was something she would take to the grave…

The next morning, Sunset and her friends returned to Canterlot High, hung over on their friendship and high as fuck on their platonic love for one another.

Jesus Christ, that was a terrible line. No. You know what? Fuck it, the author’s keeping it.

Pinkie Pie yawned as they entered, much to Applejack’s amusement.

“You tired, Pinkie Pie?”

“DO NOT QUESTION THE ENERGY OF THE QUEEN IN PINK, FOOLISH MORTAL!” Pinkie’s head slowly began to spin around with a sound that could only be described as REEEEEEEEEE

“Hey, Piggly Wiggly!”

Pinkie stopped immediately with a yelp. “Hide me from the Copyright Police!” She ran down the hall, flailing her arms like a happy muppet after announcing a special guest star.

Applejack scratched her head in confusion. “Did someone just…”

“Sis! Sis!” Apple Bloom ran over to Applejack with her phone in her hand. “You gotta see this! Look!” She handed the phone over.

Applejack looked to see… oh for fuck’s sake, if you’re reading this story, you know what she saw!

Good lord almighty, even the author’s getting tired of this Anon-A-Miss shit! Let’s just get to the good part already!

Sunset stared at her phone in shock. “What?! How did she get our pictures?”

“They’re not our pictures, Sunset,” Applejack said as she folded her arms.

“They’re yours,” Rainbow said dramatically, narrowing her eyes so intensely that they got letterboxed.

“All those pictures were taken by you.”

“Wait, but,” Sunset said in confusion. “I’ve had my phone all this time! How did she-”

“Yeah,” Applejack interrupted. “How did she? How did she know about my secret? How did she get the pictures from your phone? It was you all along!” She pointed an accusatory finger at Sunset. “You’re Anon-A-Miss!”

“No she’s not,” Pinkie said. “She’s Sunset!”

Rainbow gasped. “Copyright Police!”

Pinkie ran like a madwoman. Or like a cat chasing a laser. Whichever is funnier.

God, the author needs a drink… wait, where was he? Oh yeah! Blah, blah, blah, BETRAYAL. Blah, Blah, Blah, TEARS. Blah, Blah, Blah, OUT OF CHARACTER.

Moving on!

Sunset sighed heavily as she held her journal in her hands. She took out a pen and began to write.

Twilight? You there?

Sorry too busy with friendship to help with your friendship problem lolkthxbai

Sunset raised an eyebrow.

What the fuck, Twi?

Sunset received an almost immediate response.

I’m so sorry, Sunset! That’s my default away message.

Well, now that you’re here, I might as well tell you the whole story.

One long-ass exposition-filled tale of woe and misery later, Twilight became fully aware of the situation.

I’m so sorry, Sunset. I wish there was some way I could help you by doing more than just writing in the journal when I clearly have enough time on my hooves to come and intervene.

Wait, what?

…

Twilight?

…

Hello?

Sorry too busy with friendship to help with your friendship problem lolkthxbai

“God fucking dammit.”

The author’s almost done! Praise Celestia! One last skip!

“Yeah,” Apple Bloom said. “We’re Anon-A-Miss.”

Before anyone else could say or do anything, there was a loud knock on a door that could simply be opened with no struggle.

“This is the Copyright Police! We have you surrounded, Pinkamena Diane Pie!”

“FUCK!” Pinkie reached into her hair, then pulled out a large treasure chest. She took out various costumes and replicas of overpowered fictional characters and weapons, then handed them out to the Crusaders and the rest of her friends.

“Uh, Pinkie,” Applejack asked as they all began to glow. “Where in tarnation did ya get these?”

“From a dealer at a convention,” Pinkie chirped. “He gave me this cool stuff to use if I ever wanted to get out of displace!”

All the girls except Pinkie slapped the palms of their hands to their faces. The patrons of the cafe did the same, followed by the Copyright Police outside the establishment.

“Goddammit, Pinkie!”

The girls teleported out of existence, and into tales where nothing bad ever happened to them.

THE END.