It started with a joke

by Vinyl Snatch

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Porn, Sex, Fetish, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Big Macintosh, Zecora, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 5374

Big Mac goes to see Zecora after a brush with poison joke causes him to talk nonstop. What neither of them know is how much in common they have and where it will lead them.

Big Mac has never gotten a case of poison joke this bad. This time it causes him to say all that is on his mind. Unfortunately when he sees Zecora a lot more things come to mind then he should ever say. Some things come to Zecora’s mind as well. It turns out they had a lot more in common then they thought.

Written for AJ Aficionado for Summer of Sin Celebration. Hope you enjoy.

Contains:Hetero, oral, sexual rhyming and impregnation.

Published 2022-06-25 05:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-06-25 05:20:00 UTC

Too many words

It was awful. I never had a case of poison joke this bad. I should have listened to Apple Bloom but I didn’t. Now I had to pay for it.

“Heya Big Mac, where are you off in such a hurry? There’s chores to be done.” Applejack asked as innocently as she could.

“Chores?! Is that all you think about is chores?! There is an entire life Ah’m missing while Ah toil away on the farm! Ah, work the fields while you run off and have a life. Ah don’t have a life. Ah want a pretty wife and foals! Ah haven’t even kissed another pony. Ah saw you kissing Rarity in the barn. Sorry, Ah can’t stop talking. Poison Joke. Everything Ah think is coming out of my mouth.”

“Uhh.. we weren’t… it wasn’t–“ Applejack’s face was as angry red as a barn door.

I ran. I couldn’t stay near her anymore. There are too many things that bothered me. I had to get out of there so my words didn’t hurt her.

The town was an obstacle I wanted to avoid but there was no way to get to Zecora’s without going through it. I chose the most direct path and tried to skirt any pony I saw. Unfortunately the bridge was being watched.

“Hey Big Mac, where are you going this time?” It was Lily Valley. She’s a nice filly but darn it all if she couldn’t keep her eyes off my body and … special spots. Time to put my tail down.

“To Zecora’s! Ah got a big problem Ah got to take care of now!” I nearly bellowed my reply. It threw her off guard.

“I don’t think I ever heard you say that much before. I won’t keep you. I don’t mind watching you run away… with those big muscles.” She winked at me.

“Sorry ma’am. Ah don’t think of you that way! Not too fond of being stared at like a pig waiting to be fed neither.” I quickly threw my hooves over my mouth.

“A— a pig? I’m sorry Big Mac I– I didn’t mean…”

“Ah’m sorry too! Ah was just thinking of a good metaphor. Ah ain’t good with them. You’re not a pig but Ah gotta go.”

I didn’t want to see the look of sadness in her eyes. I guess I should’ve told her sooner but I just don’t know how to say what I mean. If anything this is proving I shouldn’t speak at all.

I steered clear of any other pony on the way. I didn’t need folks knowing all my secrets. I had always thought if you can’t say what you mean in a nice way it’s best not to speak at all.

The little hut was approaching in the distance. I doubled my speed only to put the brakes on right quick. It was my sister and her friend coming out. I couldn’t let them see me like this. Who knows what I’d say. I couldn’t tell them how proud I was of their little adventures, they’d probably find worse trouble to get into. I also couldn’t tell them how much I worry. It might stop them. I didn’t want to ever get into a foal’s way. They had the power to plow their own path.

I dove into a nearby bush. Sure I was bright red but it was a real thick bush. I watched the little fillies praying they would scurry off somewhere.

“Thanks fer helping us out Zecora,” I heard my sister say. “Think we could use those flowers we picked today fer a potion or two?”

“Of course little ones. It does me good – to know that you are working as hard as you could.” The zebra allowed the Crusaders into the hut with her.

Shoot. I couldn’t go in there. I needed that cure but I couldn’t be seen. Then they would talk and talk to me for hours. I needed a plan. I didn’t have one so I chucked a rock toward her hut. Thankfully it landed safely, but close enough to get her attention.

“Hello? Is somepony there? I know this rock came from somewhere.” Zecora looked around towards my bush and that’s when I noticed it. She looked just like a zebra from one of my zebra magazines. The ones I’m not supposed to have but couldn’t resist buying. Something about zebras made me tingle something fierce.

Silly thing was I never really saw Zecora in the way I saw them magazine zebras. She was great with my sisters and a nice pony to boot, but I never thought of her in that way. Until then. It became painfully obvious how pretty she was as she got closer to the bush I was hiding in.

“Please don’t be afraid, I just want to offer aid.” She was right above me. I saw movement by the door and panicked. Before I knew what I was doing I grabbed the healer and pulled her into the bush with me.

“What are you doing?! I’ll scream if trouble is brewing.” The zebra still rhymed even when surprised. It was kind of amazing. But she struggled something fierce.

“Zecora it’s me, Big Mac. Ah’m having trouble that Ah need your help with.” I tried to sound as innocent as possible.

“Big Mac? Trouble? Is there danger around? Is that why you don’t want to be found?” She looked at me with those gorgeous eyes. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

“Nothing like that. But still horrible. Ah got into some poison joke and now Ah can’t stop speaking my mind.” I bit my tongue before I started blathering anything more.

“I warned you folk long ago, don’t mess around where they grow.” Zecora shook her head but smiled at me after. “Talking too much is not so dire, no need to act like you’re on fire.”

“It’s not good, Zecora. Ah can’t keep any thoughts to myself. It’s like Ah’m forced to tell the truth around everypony. Ah don’t want my sister to see me like this. Is there any way you can ask them to go someplace else? Not to be rude or nothing. Gosh, you look cuter than the zebras in my magazines. Oop!” It snuck out. I tried to focus my mind on all the important things but it snuck out just the same.

“Haha. Well, I’m sure your magazines are nice but you can see me, free of price. I shall get them out and help your woe, but I don’t see the problem though.”

She got out of the bush and walked into the hut. It was painful to see her go but the view was so nice I wasn’t complaining. I heard the fillies protest but they trotted out ears down.

“You better tell us this big secret when we get back,” Apple Bloom demanded.

“A healer must leave many things unsaid, patients don’t want knowledge of their ailments spread.” Zecora stood highlighted by the light from the doorway. It was like the beginning of one of those magazine scenarios. Next, she should call me in and put on socks and— I couldn’t keep thinking like this. At this point, I would say all of this and she would throw me out.

“Big Mac, the coast is clear, you can come in without fear.” She was calling me in like the magazine. I had to throw these dirty thoughts out. I trotted in and nearly fainted.

Zecora sat in the hut calmly rolling socks onto her hooves. She looked up and smiled innocently. Was she toying with me? I shouldn’t have mentioned the magazine.

“Are you ok? You are so pale. Has the poison joke made you frail?” She quickly rushed to my side and placed a sock-covered hoof on my head.

“Ah’m fine. I just started thinking of how close this was to one of my magazines and couldn’t stop. I mean is there a reason you have socks on now?”

“These are gloves to keep the herbs off me. What else did you think they might be?” Zecora cocked an eyebrow.

“Er,” I struggled to hold in the truth. The stupid joke was fighting with my mouth. “Socks. The sexy kind.” Land’s sakes I needed to cure this thing now.

“Oh, do you think I would seduce you? What sort of magazine did you compare me to?” She smiled with a small light of interest in her eyes. At least I thought it was. Maybe she was just enjoying my problem a little too much.

“Er… can we not talk about my secret zebra porn collection?” I froze. I needed a dang muzzle. Maybe I should just cut my tongue out.

“Porn? Do you have a thing for stripes? I didn't peg you as one of those types.” Zecora laughed a little at my discomfort. If I could turn redder I could have.

“Well, the lines kind of draw my eyes to places… Maybe we should get that potion now. Please?”

“The potion will take a half-hour to brew. It gives me ample time to get to know you.” Zecora placed another herb in the cauldron and began to stir it. Standing up on her rear legs made my brain think much worse things.

“You want to know more about me? There really ain’t much to know. Ah work the farm and help my sisters as best Ah can. T’aint much more than that.” I sighed it was embarrassing to admit how small my life was. “Spike, Discord, and I play Ogres and Oubliettes sometimes.”

“Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Best friend? Who do you see at the day’s end?”

“No pony really. Just my granny. It’s awful lonely, to be honest. Maybe that’s why Ah work so much. Takes my mind off of how empty it is.” I plopped on the ground but wished I hadn’t. The view of Zecora from ground level was much more suggestive. How did I miss how beautiful she was?

“I understand, it haunts me too. Herbs and potions is all I do. Apple Bloom is a welcome break, she’s like the foals I hope to make.” She slowed a little in her stirring and her eyes had lost a little glimmer from before.

“You want foals?”

She nodded.

“Well, Ah’ll be. You want foals, you’re the most beautiful thing in this town and you’re already good with my sisters… Ah just said all that out loud didn’t Ah?” I tried not to look her in the eye. I already knew the answer.

“It’s good to dream but life is here,” she chortled, finishing: “could you be the one to hold me dear?” She stopped stirring.

“Ah could! Ah could hold you all night long if ya need! Ah could do whatever ya need doing! Them shelves, Ah could build ya better ones! That bed can be raised off the ground. Ah could even make it bigger ifin ya need. Ah would stand by ya through thick and thin.”

What was I saying? Was I asking her out or proposing? The words were just flowing out of my head and streamlined to my mouth before I could even see what they were.

“Do you know what you say? What it could mean? I am quite different from your magazine. I have flaws and troubles beside. Those zebras are perfect, their manes are all dyed.” She huffed and tossed her spoon on the shelf. “They don't have problems! They don’t have fears! If you leave them they won’t burst into tears!”

She seemed a might upset. I wasn’t sure what I said to set her off. But I knew I had to convince her I was genuine and that it was about her.

“You’re right,” I started uncertainly. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, but the poison joke helped for once. “You're not one of those mares. You’re much prettier and sexier than they ever hoped they could be. Any pony that doesn’t think so I will have words with. Just not so many as now.”

Her ears perked up and swiveled towards me. I hoped I didn’t sound possessive or old-fashioned. I know folks get pretty persnickety about those things.

“You really mean that? Do you see me that way? Or is this just some ploy to get laid?” She stared at me with those gleaming eyes again. I was lost in those beautiful golden depths.

“Ah don’t lie very well and Ah can’t stop talking. What do you think?” I stared back with the same determination I used to plow the field with.

“You think I am sexy? Should I strike a pose? Why don’t you show me how it goes.” The light came back into her eyes and the tension released from her shoulders.

I smiled and did my best attempt to swing my flanks in the way that the mares in my fantasies did. I let my mane swish through the air and made a face only a duck could love.

It earned me a peal of musical laughter. The zebra held her sides at the sight of me, but still tried her best to imitate my stance. At that moment she was more carefree than any mare I met before. Her pose crumbled seconds later in another fit of laughter.

“Now that was prettier than any picture Ah’ve seen. Especially with those gloves on.” I didn’t feel the least bit ashamed to say so.

“That is quite good, but the thing I like, is how stallions look when this pose they strike.” She puffed her shoulders forward and snarled. Then closed her eyes and looked like she was lifting the heaviest plow in Equestria.

“Oh ya mean this,” I knew the pose well. I had laughed at it in magazines featuring “farm colts.” I felt my muscles bulge a little more than usual.

“Well, that is amazing. You’re bigger than most, but how good do you look when I’m really up close?” I opened my eyes again and found Zecora staring at me with intense interest. Was she… drooling?

I couldn’t help but strike another pose, then another. All the while the zebra was slowly circling me. Was she actually impressed with displays like this? I had no problem continuing to show my physique though I felt a might embarrassed.

Then she slowly stroked my shoulder with a hoof. I stopped for a second and stared at the striped face inches from mine. She reddened but didn’t back away, she kept her hoof tracing my back and foreleg.

With an apologetic smile, she whispered: “I’m sorry, I wanted to feel… what I see with my eyes is actually real. These muscles and strength I’ve only seen in the pages of my own magazines.” She grinned and I finally realized what she meant.

“You mean…?”

“I have… a slight flaw similar to yours – a collection of ‘Farm Colts’ in my drawers.” She smiled, trying to look innocent but looked guilty as sin instead.

I screwed up my face to look judgey but she shrugged it off. She continued to explore my body with her hooves. I tried to stand tall, like this was a normal thing but it was the scariest thing in the world.

“You look… kind of interested,” I ventured.

“I’m thinking… but I must say – you’re the best offer I’ve gotten today.” She snickered as she shamelessly placed both her forehooves on my chest. I chuckled with her.

Her forehooves slid under my barrel, tracing the hardened abdominal muscles I built there. I was breathing heavily, so was she. The angle she took gave me a good look at her flanks. Then I realized her head was underneath me.

“Er, are you looking at what Ah think you’re looking at?”

She quickly lifted her head, red-faced, with a small smile. “Maybe, I wanted to see if the mares were right, your muscles aren’t the only thing full of might.”

“Er… Ah wouldn’t know. Ah don’t compare myself much. Er, anyway we don’t have to start there. Maybe something more like kissing and whatnot.” I tried not to think of where she was possibly leading. It wouldn’t do any good to get my hopes up and if I start spouting off it would kill the mood.

“If you want this to happen I need you in bed, I have to-“ She didn’t get to finish her sentence. My hooves moved like lightning and leaped into her bed. It creaked horribly but held me. I would fix it later.

I struck a pose I had seen in those magazines and bit my lower lip. I think they called it a smolder. Whatever it was called, it caused Zecora’s eyebrows to raise.

She moved a little slower, perhaps taking it all in. She glanced at the hut’s door which she had closed when I came in. She stood next to the bed, her face was flushed and she bit her lip. Then slowly climbed in next to me.

I placed my forehoof on her shoulder, and sexily reassured her by saying, “Ah’ve never done this before.”
Darn, the joke was still on me! She snorted and a little color returned to her cheeks. “Have you?”

She shook her head. Her eyes sparkled like gold and she smelled of jasmine. I pulled her close and inhaled that scent. She reddened this time. Then she kissed me.

I was surprised at first but it felt so natural, so good, I couldn’t help but give in. She tasted of allspice and some other thing I didn’t know. I felt like my body caught fire. A burning that filled me with excitement.

“I can’t believe I just did that! I never kissed a pony before. That was amazing! I want to kiss your entire body—“

Zecora kissed me again, stopping the flow of words. I said ‘thank you’ into her mouth then her tongue stopped mine. It was like a smooth warm slide that twisted around mine.

We broke for a bit and I noted Zecora’s wide smile. My heart nearly burst knowing she was enjoying this as much as I was. I ran my hoof down across those soft smooth stripes. She leaned her head on my shoulder and began kissing the tight muscles there. We were two of a kind enjoying the lust we had for each other.

She found the large trapezius muscle in my neck and began to so gently suck on them. I felt a wash of warmth hit my body, everything tingled. Was this just about her kissing or did she put some spell on me? I didn’t care either way.

I found her ear near my muzzle and nibbled on the outer edge. The soft skin and fur gently bent under my teeth’s pressure. Then there was a cooing sound. She seemed to like it so I continued.

“Mac, you’re making it hard to think, too much of this would push me off the brink.” She pulled me closer, I don’t think there was any space between us left.

“And that’s bad?” I asked, with a strange playful tone. I wasn’t the playful type. Not for something like this.

“Well, sex right now is … complicated. I’m pretty sure I just ovulated.” She pulled back and looked me in the eyes. It was a pained stare. I could feel the anguish in my groin which spread through my body.

“Big boy, don’t look so glum, I have ways to make you cum.” She smiled a mischievous smile. “Why don’t you relax? You’re in a safe place. I’ll just suck you off and take a load to my face.”

“What?” Did she just tell me she was going to—

She shifted us so that she was on top of me and then started to kiss my neck and chest. Thankfully it felt so good I couldn’t think. I lost all words and let the sensation of wet lip prints hop down my body. It wasn’t until she got close to my stallionhood that my mind began to whirl again.

“That feels good, are you going to kiss that too? Please do. I’ve always wanted to know what that felt like. It looks so nice in the pictures.” My hooves clamped my mouth shut again as Zecora stared at me.

I was about to apologize when she gave my rod a tentative lick. It sprang up so fast it nearly poked her in the eye.

“Oh! It was not fully awake? This is the biggest size I can take.” She stared at my log in wonder. I tried to hide my embarrassment behind my hooves. That quickly changed as she began to kiss it.

Each kiss was a flash of excitement and a bolt of joy. She started at the base of the shaft and worked her way to the top. Then slid her tongue back down it in a long stroke. It was like a moist piece of velvet brushed down its length and began to rummage around my sack.

She nuzzled my shaft all the while as she lapped at the wrinkles. Then brought one of my boys into her mouth. Her mouth was so soft and the fur on her snout brushed my member as she drew them in.

After letting go, her mouth followed the rod up to the head again. She danced her tongue around the rock-hard tip, letting her drool slather it. Then cleaned it again with long strokes from the base to the tip.

“I’ve never,” she panted, “done this before. Would you… like a bit more?” She giggled and playfully held her tongue out inches from my knocking wood.

“Er is there any way to get a lot more?” There was nothing I wanted more right then. The world had slipped away. Chores, my family, the farm nothing mattered except that beautiful zebra and her playful libido.

She laughed again then returned her tongue to the base of my tip. She just sat there for a bit letting her saliva drip down it. Then an eyebrow waggle as she opened her mouth and wrapped it around as much of me as would fit. Which was about two-thirds. The suction she created was like a tornado pulling on a tree. Then the striped storm started to draw it back out.

I couldn’t hold back my sounds and let loose a mighty moan. The mouth attached to my wood smiled and began to shift forward and back. It was magical. I never knew mares could feel this good. That grinning face appeared and disappeared from my vision. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. It felt so good but I wanted to see that glowing face bobbing up and down. A vision I would hold close for all time.

The tornado ended with a pop and my shaft hit the fresh air again, oddly cool from the moisture on it. If sex with her lower lips was as good there was nothing that could stop me, save for Zecora herself of course.

“Now to finish you off, my big boy,” she said huskily, “I want your face to fill with joy.” She opened her mouth wide again and lowered it. She went to work and slid up and down my member. I wanted to thrust in there so bad but I couldn’t. It didn’t seem right, using a mare like a rag or something.

I placed my hooves on the back of her head but without thrusting I didn’t get as close as I needed to. It was so nice and warm but Zecora started to snort and her movements slowed.

I felt bad. It wasn’t like she was bad or that wasn’t enjoying it. I just couldn’t unload without a whole bunch of thrusting. Eventually, her movements stopped. She opened and closed her jaw a bit.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t finish the job, but my jaw is starting to throb.” Zecora looked a bit put out.

“It’s alright, we’re both new at this. Shoot, it might take a while to find out how best to do it. Guess we’ll just have to keep practicing to get it right.” I was hoping for a whole lot of practicing.

“Maybe you could go down on me,” her eyes twinkled, “while my jaw makes a recovery.” She scooched up the bed tracing my muscles again with her hoof. Guess I had to keep up my physique. Eventually, she shifted her hips right next to my head and slowly spread her legs open.

This was it. I clamped my mouth closed so I didn’t embarrass her by commenting too much. I rolled over and got a whiff of excited mare and sage. Then I saw it. The promised land. It stood tall like a temple, with dark walls and a pink winking center. My staff tried to stab through the mattress.

“It’s so beautiful, I don’t think Ah’ve seen something this pretty in any of my magazines.” I didn’t even want to stop the embarrassing words that flowed from me.

Zecora shifted, a little uncomfortable, but still spayed her legs wide for me. “Is this alright? Can you reach… all the good places in my peach?”

I felt like a foal on Hearth’s Warming. I approached it like a delectable flower and lightly traced the edges of the petals with a delicate touch, they pulled inward with the brush of my tongue. I was rewarded with a fresh sage-like flavor and an “oooh.”

It excited me. I wanted to try harder. I ran my tongue along the rubbery, smooth opening and found a large bulb protruding out. I licked it and watched her body jolt in delight. She started to leak onto the bed sheets. I felt like I found a new toy. Each time I licked that bulge her body jerked. I wanted to see what would happen if I sucked on it.

“Ooh ooh, Mac! That’s too much!” She moaned, hitting an octave higher than she had before. “Please u-use a gentler touch!”

“Sorry..” I let go of the joy bulb and aimed for that squeezing cauldron. My tongue slid inside and was immediately set upon by a vortex of smooth, delicate inner muscles. It squeezed me and tried to pull me inside. I let it have as much as I could.

She howled in delight, her pelvis started to thrust up and against my muzzle. My mouth filled with liquid sage. It was glorious. I watched in excitement as the zebra continued to slide along my tongue. She squeaked and grunted in time with the tightness on my tongue.

I pressed it further, matching her rhythm. It was like a trailer hitch bumping along the road. Every so often the trailer would squeal and moan. I glanced at the stimulated zebra and saw her face scrunched up in pleasure. At that moment, she was both adorable and exciting. I couldn’t believe I was the first stallion she let do this.

My tongue missed the rhythm and brushed against that bulb instead. “Oooooooohhh!” Her excitement filled my ears with a much deeper need. I wanted in. I didn’t want to be down here, I wanted to be up there with her.

I pressed my tongue on the large juicy pleasure organ and her soft mound rose and froze in need. It was an invitation I couldn’t miss. I kissed it first but that didn’t satisfy its want. I used my tongue and drifted along the edge of its risen orb.

More moaning followed. I was on the right track. The temple guard stood erect and I began to March around it. Every so often I would tease and taunt it by tracing the top of its large round head. The temple gushed in demand.

“This is… a bad idea but I can’t stop now… I need you… in here.” She grabbed me and started to pull on my head. My body quickly followed and I wasn’t sure if it was me that moved it or her.

I was on top of her in seconds, I couldn’t let my mare down. She wrapped her hind legs around my hips and pulled me closer. I could feel something moist on the tip of my post, then slid closer and prodded a small hole.

“Eep! Not there yet, I need you above. Here let me get it – now you can shove.” She opened her hind legs wider and pressed my member in with her hoof. Her canal was already slick and I easily entered. Well most of me. There was still a bit that didn’t fit.

“Oh! Oh my! Give me some time!” she hissed, “I need to get used to the size of it, my pussy feels like it’s going to split.” Zecora looked a little uneasy. She held me tight and took some deep breaths. Eventually, my cock could move.

“Big Mac wait, it feels so good,” she panted and I felt her moisten taking more of me. “But I’m wondering if we should. I want to feel you deep within, which could lead to making more kin.”

I sank further in. “Ah ain’t one to quit when things get tough. If that happens, Ah ain’t leaving you or our foal ever. “

She smiled as she slowly started to thrust. Anything happened, we knew it would be fine. She wanted me for more than just a good time and I would never want another.

It was so soft and warm, like a cylindrical sponge but with a smoother texture. Zecora began to writhe as I kept thrusting. It was all I cared about at that moment. The rising tide of pressure felt like my insides were going to collapse. All I could do was buck harder, faster.

The scene around me went white. The only thing I focused on was the looks from that beautiful zebra, and the thrusts of her stripe-covered body. She couldn’t even speak, just moan in pleasure. I just kept going like a hammer driving a nail. Each strike brought more liquid rather than sparks.

“Mmm... Mmac, I’m … I can’t… neeyyah.” Zecora screamed and bit my ear again, hard. Fluid soaked my crotch and undercarriage. The wave of pressure crashed through me like a tidal wave and finally burst through my hose.

“Yyyyyuuuuuppp!” I shouted as I lost control of my body. Zecora pulled me deep with her hind legs. Then my energy gave out. I can plow a field in a day, buck an entire orchard, and still have the energy to weed and sort. I didn’t understand how just having sex could be so exhausting.

I collapsed on her, luckily she didn’t get hurt. She giggled again instead and could help but laugh myself. It was a good feeling just laying in each other’s embrace. Her lips found mine and we shared the tingling sensation of bliss.

We laid together for a long while. I never found nothing as sweet as that moment. I stroked her back and watched as her enticing stripes rebounded to their original position.

“I think the poison joke cure should be done. I will wash our bodies to rid us of cum.” She winked at me. She was raring to go again. She didn’t have to tell me twice.

With the poison joke gone, I didn’t have to speak my mind no more. Oddly enough, I always felt comfortable speaking with Zecora. I didn’t return to my normal speech with her.

Things progressed with us. Months rolled by and the family found out. By that time it was becoming apparent that she was with a foal. I got an earful from Applejack and Granny but I didn’t mind none. They made sure I did right by her and she joined us on the farm.

Then my life changed forever as the first apple zony was born. Apple Stripe was the cutest little foal I ever saw. So though it might have brought me the most happiness in my life, I still avoid poison joke like the plague.