Spike Takes the Internet Driver's License Test
"I don't care if it isn't legal!" Twilight Sparkle said. "You're a member of this family, and I'm your owner, and what I say is final!"
"Aww! But I don't want to have to pass a license test."
"Passing tests is a very important part of life. So you might as well get used to it now." Twilight pointed at a computer screen. "Log in, Spike. Did you memorize your password?"
"butts smell good," Spike said, using his cute little toebeans to tap each letter on the keyboard. The computer screen unlocked. "I'm in!"
"Don't get ahead of yourself, Spike. You have a lot more to do, before this family can issue you an Internet Driver's License. First, create an email account."
Spike rubbed his toes and his nose on the computer's touchscreen, opening Woofle Search. "I'll just do a search. Oh, here's a a site that wants to give me a free email account if I give them nude photos of myself and at least three friends' credit card numbers." Spike wrinkled his nose. "That seems kind of suspicious. I think I'll just sign up for Woofle's regular old wmail instead."
"Good boy, Spike!" Twilight said.
Minutes later, Spike had a new wmail account. "Now I'll create a social media profile. Here's a social networking site! It's a site where people read and write stories set in another world where everyone's a dog. I mean, everywoof is a dog."
"Huh. So do you want to make an account, to join the site?"
Spike's toebeans went to work. Minutes later, he nosed the "Send" button. "You see? Now I have an account!"
Spike opened some browser tabs. "Using my SocialDog account, I can read stories about lots of hot bitches! Maybe I can even meet some."
"That's not funny, Spike."
"No, it's serious!" Spike nosed the touchscreen again. "See, here's a story that looks cool." He read aloud.
Early one morning, the dog Spike (hey, that's my name!) woke up and licked himself. He stretched, and looked down at the basket beside his bed, inside which a tiny human girl was still asleep.
Twilight said, "What?"
Spike said, "Good morning, Twilight. It's time to get up."
Twilight said, "This is really weird."
The human girl opened her eyes. "I don't want to get up yet. Just bring me breakfast in bed."
Twilight stared, transfixed by a mixture of fascination and horror.
"But Twilight! If you don't get up, who will fix breakast? Because you know you make the very best human style pancakes."
"That's true," Twilight said. "I really do."
"And who else can put on the little human-style maid uniform and clean the house? It doesn't fit dogs."
Twilight sighed. "Breakfast first."
"Ok! Sounds good, Twilight." Spike patted the tiny human girl on the head.
"Spike," Twilight said, "do you think all the stories on that social media site are like this one? And why do those characters have the same names as us? I think that's weird."
"Maybe it's because when I created my account, I said my name was Spike? And when it asked for the name of a pet as my 'secret data' in case I ever need to reset my password, I didn't have a pet, so I just put in your name. But so far I think this story is really great. Don't you?"
Twilight mumbled, "For something on the internet, a lot of the grammar is mostly right. I could even say it's almost suspiciously good."
Spike kept reading.
The tiny human girl got out of her basket. She opened a tiny drawer in a tiny dresser underneath the edge of Spike's bed. She pulled out a maid uniform, which she slowly changed into, making sure every part of it was put on exactly right. For a more detailed description of how she changed clothes and how she looked at each stage, please join my Dogpatsreon and give me some Dogpats."
"What?" Twilight said. "I've never heard of Dogpatsreon."
"I guess it's like Patreon, but for dogs."
Twilight walked to the kitchen, where she--
"Spike! You can't pass the entire test by just reading me a story."
"Why not? Reading a cute story to someone is a good way to use the internet."
"Try doing something social."
Spike said, "Now that I'm a member of the site, a genuine Certified Dogreader, I can send messages to this story's author." He typed in a fan letter.
Dear SpikeTheDragon,
I really like your story so far, about the dog who has a tiny human girl as a pet. Where did you get such a creative idea?
SpikeTheDog
"Isn't that message ok?" Spike asked. "Don't you have to agree it's polite, and doesn't give away too much personal information to people I don't know?"
Twilight's shoulders slumped. "Sure, Spike. It looks just fine."
Spike's nose pressed the touchscreen, sending the message.
Spike read more of the story, about how Twilight went downstairs and used ladders to get onto the kitchen counter, mix batter, and start pancakes cooking on a griddle.
"Oof!" Twilight said. "This griddle is so heavy. At least it isn't cast iron. That would be even worse."
"Seriously," Twilight said, "who reads this kind of thing?"
"People who like reading about dogs?" Spike said. "And reading about the dogs' tiny little human pets, too. That makes the story twice as interesting."
"Sure, Spike. Whatever. But I really want to know more about where this kind of story comes from. Who thinks this is a good idea."
"Maybe this story isn't for you, Twilight. Maybe it's for dogs, like me."
"Scroll back a little. I want to see more about that Dogpatsreon link."
"Sure, Twilight." Spike scrolled the story back to the part where tiny Twilight changes into her maid uniform.
"Right there!" Twilight said. "It says we can look at sample content without sponsoring the writer or sending any Dogpats."
Spike nosed the touchscreen, and a popup appeared. "See?" Twilight said. "That's a crayon drawing of a half naked human. What kind of dog wants to pay money to see a naked human?"
"You're right," Spike admitted. "That is pretty weird. Maybe this site isn't for dogs at all." He sighed. "And here I thought maybe I'd found a place on the internet that was just right for me."
Twilight rubbed Spike's ears. "Don't feel bad, Spike. You showed you know how to use the internet. You even found the evidence that this website is partly a fake, pretending to be something it isn't. And you didn't send any important information you shouldn't have sent, and you didn't install any malware. I think you passed your test!"
"Yay!" Spike cheered. "So now I get my internet license?"
"Sure," Twilight agreed. "Just let me go get the supplies to make it official, with a little laminated card." She walked out of the room.
Spike took another look at the popup. "Hey, it says there's more of these sample pictures." He nosed the touchscreen. "Bow wow!"
A crayon drawing showed the human girl wearing only a short skirt and cat ears. After a moment, she lifted one hand towards her mouth, folding the fingers in to make it like a paw. She licked it.
"Wowsers! It's animated!"
She licked her fake paw, rubbed it over her face, and licked it again, in a repeating cycle.
"Bow wow wow wow wow wow wow!" Spike barked uncontrollably.
Twilight ran into the room. "What's wrong, Spike?"
"I'm sorry." Spike looked ashamed. "But you can see, she acted just like a cat. I couldn't help myself. I had to bark at her."
Twilight ripped a card into little pieces. "I'm sorry, Spike. If you can't be trusted to behave properly around catgirls, you can't be allowed to go on the internet by yourself." Twilight logged Spike out, and deleted his login account.
"Aww. It isn't fair. I'll bet there's a lot of humans who act crazy when you show them a catgirl too."
Twilight nodded. "There are. And someday, when the world is a better place, those humans won't be allowed on the internet without proper supervision either."
