Crackfic About Butts

by Triple-Rainbow

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Equestria Girls, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Sunset Shimmer, Profanity, Random, Zecora, Anthology, Applejack
Length: 1243

Because I'm sure someone will giggle at it.

You read the title. Just wanted to try my hand at a crackfic.

Published 2022-06-29 04:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-06-29 04:40:00 UTC

Short 2. What's in a Butt?

Balloonbutt stared at the quality piece of plot in front of her, quietly humming to herself as she pondered the perfect pseudonym for the plump pair of cheeks.

No-name-as-of-yet-Butt peered down at the pink party planning pony, still stirring the odd bubbling brew that had been baking when Balloonbutt barged in.

“Pinkie Pie, while I normally do not like to pry, may I ask why you are staring at my thigh?” To-be-determined-Butt asked.

“What’s your name…” Balloonbutt wondered, idly rubbing her chin while the other hoof poked the Zebra’s butt. “Also, why is thinking in alliteration hard? But the second question's not as important.”

“… Is this some sort of game? I’m fairly certain you know my name.”

“Not yet…”

“Have you been bewitched by some dark aura? My name is clearly—”

“Shhh! Thinking!... I know! I’ll give you my name! I like to share!” She decided. “From now on, you’re Balloonbutt!”

“Ballonbutt? Wait, what?”

“But if you have my name, then I need a new one… Oh! I’ve got it,” she said, leaning closer to New Balloonbutt with a devious grin. “Call me, ‘mommy’.”

“... Mommy?”

“Yup. But you have to say it louder.”

And then they fucked.

Short 4. I May be a Butt, but You're an Ass!

“Hey Ass!” An apparently racist pony cried out, causing Cranky Doodle to glare at them. Oddly enough, it was Applejack, a pony he thought he had gotten along well with.

She wore a bright smile on her face, not giving a care to the world about the mare buying apples from her cart. Nopony even batted an eye at her blatantly racist call.

“What did you call me?!” Cranky demanded.

“I said ‘Hey Ass’. How’s yer morning going?”

“Terrible now!” He yelled before storming off and being blocked by Pinkie Pie.

“Hiya Ass, why the long face?”

“Oh great, you too Pinkie? I thought we were friends!”

“We are friends, Ass. And it’s Balloonbutt. Unless you read about my new name with new Balloonbutt, if so, then I'm Mommy now. Anyway, why do you think we're not friends? Did Applebutt do something that made you think we don’t like you, Ass? You’re a great guy, Ass, even if you’re an Ass sometimes.”

"Stop calling me an Ass, you racist mud drudging mare!"

"Hey, language, Ass! It's not nice to call earth ponies mud drudgers. It's not like I said anything offensive to you, Ass."

Buck this town.

Short 5. Is The Butt Joke Old Yet?

Short 5. Is The Butt Joke Old Yet?

Much like buttholes, families were kept tight, and no family was as tight as the Applebutt family.

They kept everything in the family, handling their ripe and plump apples with a tender hoof, and flexing their flanks on the farm to buck from sunrise to sunset. Heck, when Applebutt was a little filly, her parents would buck until they were both drenched in sweat, using every ounce of strength to buck until they collapsed.

They bucked a little less when her ma was pregnant with Blankbutt, but the farm doesn’t tolerate bums, so she worked her butt off around the house.

Applebutt ended up learning a lot from her parents, and taught her little sis how to buck like a pro when she was old enough.

They’d ram the hard wood for hours, going at it like a pair of well-oiled machines, unlike those shitty inventions those two buttheads tried to sell them. A lifeless machine could never replicate the feeling of flesh hitting wood early in the morning. There was no passion or love in a piece of metal, and it'd never be able to replace family.

In the end, a family that bucks together, stays together.

Short 6. Butt I Miss It So Much!

No Butt looked at the calendar with a dejected expression, wondering how she should spend the holiday. Alone. Again.

Everypony else was probably having fun back in Equestira. They were all having a gay old time talking about their butts, touching other butts, making any silly joke that came to their butt-filled heads. And then there was No Butt, trapped in a world where calling someone sweet butt was wrong, and openly staring at some girl’s butt was weird. Buncha bipedal butt bashing bigots.

No Butt never thought she’d miss the holidays as much as she did. It was supposed to be annoying, a dumb tradition that should have taken the backseat to history long ago, a dumb joke that outlived its prime. But… But she missed the Butts.

Those pillowy plump plots and big bouncy booty’s, the amazing angelic asses and really respectable rears. None of these humans had any good butts. Sure, one or two of them had some holy haunches, but most of them were tiny tushie trixies.

It just wasn’t the same anymore. Especially without her old Celestia sized caboose.

No Butt had nothing to do but sit on her hands and play Grogar’s Bongos.

Short 1. Let The Booty Be Your Guide.

Compassbutt's butt swung east and west as she trotted ahead, braving unknown paths with her trusty friend taking up the rear, and enjoying the view. East and west, with a slight hop up north for a nice jiggle that did something to Lightningbutt's southern region. Her eyes were guided to her hypnotic cheeks, following an adventure that she never wanted to end.

“Rookie, notice anything?” Compassbutt asked.

“Yup,” Lightningbutt answered, watching Compassbutt’s rear sway and bounce.

“Glad you noticed. It’s really quiet here.”

“Uh-huh,” she was looking at something that’d be silent and deadly alright. Not that that was her fetish… Though, she’d be willing to “explore” a few others possible fetish's if Compassbutt offered.

“Too quiet,” Compassbutt pondered. Aw yeah, it was quiet. If they stepped off the path into ‘untold territory’ it wouldn’t be quiet for long. She’d be screaming and—

“Rookie, you know you’re narrating out loud, right?”

“… Buck.”

“Damn right. Now get over here and do just that, ‘Lightning Butt’.”

“… Lightningbutt was really okay with that, and they ended up having a lot of awesome adventure sex in the woods.”

“Rule one of writing rookie, show, don’t tell. Now show me!” She commanded.

Short 3. Butt Why?

The Princess was once asked what the meaning of life was by an aspiring philosopher.

The glorious Princess Sunbutt had one simple answer. Everything, from love and sorrow, life and death, fame and poverty, revolved around butts. But what would a butt be without the pony attached to it? Any pony butt could have a mark of the sun on it, but it took a large mare with a large flank to get their butt off the couch and actually accomplish something great.

While anypony could have a shield or a pizza on their butt, it took ponies who didn’t need a swift kick in the rear to be motivated to follow their set path in life.

It took powerful ponies to get their butts out of bed, to kick some butt as a secret agent or for a butler to butter bread. Ponies were more than their marks or their butts, they were champions of harmony who fought against villains and buttheads alike!

The Philosopher, after figuring out that philosophy wasn't for him and that he should be a psychologist, realized that Celestia was very self-conscious about her butt, and call a pony by their butt day was born.