You are not immune to being hit by her car
“Oh my god!”
Twilight Sparkle scrambled out from the car, panicked. Her eyes locked onto the stationary form of a man, lying with arms splayed out on the road, the large imprint of a car bumper pressed into his chest. There was no blood, though, since blood would be inappropriate for the world of a children’s cartoon.
Sunset Shimmer stepped out from the driver’s seat with a smirk on her face, taking the time to flip her hair in a casual yet dramatic way. She leaned against the side of her car, watching with minor amusement and zero concern as her girlfriend knelt down to examine the body.
“He’s not breathing!” Twilight yelled, then placed her fingers to the man’s neck. “There’s no pulse…” She looked up at Sunset. “He’s dead.”
Sunset shrugged. “Oh well.”
Twilight’s eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets. “Oh well!? Sunset, you killed a man!”
“He had it coming.” Sunset replied, flipping her hair again.
“He had-” Twilight stood up, taking a deep breath in an attempt to take her anxiety down from a thirty-seven out of ten to somewhere in the low teens. “Sunset, I don’t know how you handle things in Equestria, but on this side of the portal, you can’t just hit people crossing the street they get in your way.”
“That’s not what I meant.” Sunset frowned slightly. “He had it coming because he’s a massive bigot.”
“Oh.” Twilight paused. “Wait, how do you even know that? I’ve never seen this guy before in my life!”
“Oh, well, it was yesterday…”
Sunset walked down the streets of Canterlot City, smoothie in hand. She pulled her phone from her pocket and quickly checked the time: She still had about half an hour before she was due to meet up with the Rainbooms for practice.
“Hey, you ****! What the fuck do you think you’re doing! Fucking *******!”
(Censor's note: No slurs allowed here. Use your imagination or some shit, I dunno)
Sunset frowned, looking up from her phone. A little ways ahead of her, an angry man was shouting at a pair of handholding girls who were huddled up against each other. “You ***** are what’s wrong with this country! Kissing in public, what if children see you!”
With a grimace, Sunset marched up to the man. “What the fuck is your problem?” She asked, giving him a glare.
The man turned to look at her, his face red with rage. “My ‘problem’ is these fucking *****! In my day, they would have arrested people for such disgusting behaviour…” He shook his head. “What’s the world coming to…”
Sunset narrowed her eyes, but before she could say anything, the man spoke again. “What, you one of them **** to? Shameful. You need to find a man to teach you discipline…” He scoffed, and then pushed past Sunset, storming off while shaking his head.
Sunset watched him go, and then turned to the couple the man was shouting at. One the girls was crying, her girlfriend attempting to comfort her.
Sunset looked over her shoulder to take one last look at the man before he stomped around a corner. She took a slurp of her smoothie.
“I’m going to hit that guy with my car.”
“So I did.” Sunset shrugged. “Like I said, he had it coming.”
Twilight looked at Sunset, mouth slightly agape, and then shook her head. “That… well, maybe he was a bigot, but that doesn’t mean you can just hit him with your car!”
Sunset tilted her head slightly. “I don’t follow.”
“Wha-”
“He was probably a transphobe too, you know.” Sunset said offhandedly.
“You- you can’t prove that!” Twilight stammered. “And even still-”
“Come on, Twi, please.” Sunset rolled her eyes. “Have you ever heard of a homophobe who wasn’t transphobic?”
Twilight opened her mouth, raising a finger… and then lowered it. “Fair enough.”
“I’d say you’d have better luck finding a unicorn, but…” Sunset gestured to herself. “Kinda a moot point, considering.”
“Okay, even if he was homophobic and transphobic, that still doesn’t mean you can just hit him with your car! That’s manslaughter… wait, no, it was premeditated, so it’s actual, literal murder.”
“Still not seeing a problem here.” Sunset said. She knelt down, and began rummaging through the man’s pockets.
Twilight pinched her nose, sighing with exasperation. “Sunset, murder is illegal. Ten years to life in prison illegal. It’s a good thing there’s nobody else on this road, which-” Twilight took a second to look around at the suspiciously empty street. “-is really weird, when I think about it- what are you doing?!”
“Seeing what he had on him.” Sunset replied with a shrug.
“You’re going to rob him too!”
“Of course not.” Sunset looked up at her girlfriend. “Robbery implies a threat of force. This is just theft.”
“Sunset!”
“What? The guy was screaming slurs on the street, he almost certainly wants you dead, and who knows what else- oop, here we go!” Sunset pulled a leather wallet from the man’s pocket, pulled it open, and frowned. “Oh. Like that.”
“What?”
Sunset pulled a card from the wallet and showed it to Twilight. It was a bright red, with a white circle containing an instantly recognizable black symbol. “He was a Nazi, too. A literal card carrying Nazi.” She grimaced. “Who even does that?” She flipped the card over in her fingers. “There’s not even anything else on it, it’s literally just a card with a swastika…”
“A Nazi?” Twilight paused for a second, and then her expression softened. “Oh well, guess he did have it coming. Let’s go.”
Sunset grinned. “Now you’re speaking my language!” She tossed the man’s wallet onto his body. “Like hell I’m taking any of this.”
The two of them got back into Sunset’s car and drove away, leaving the body of the Nazi homophobe behind. He probably did have a name, but nobody actually cares, because he was a Nazi homophobe. His body would later be found by some police officers, one of whom knew the man personally for reasons that should be obvious, but without any witnesses, his fortunate death would thankfully go unsolved.
As for Sunset and Twilight, they went back to Sunset’s apartment, and then had passionate lesbian sex. (Twilight was a pre-bottom surgery trans woman, which is still a woman, so the sex is still lesbian even if she has a dick. That’s just facts.)
Sunset would go on to hit another twenty-seven bigots with her car, twenty of which were also card carrying Nazis, though she would never find who was producing the cards. The police would never catch her, because they’re incompetent.
I don’t have a punchline for the end of this story. Fuck Nazis, fuck homophobes, fuck transphobes, trans women are women, also I didn’t have a place to put this but abortion is pretty poggers too. Story’s over, go home.
Author's Note
Pride Month is over but the pride never stops. If something about this makes you mad, and it's not the fact that this is a low effort shitpost, then maybe start running, because you are not immune to Sunset's car.
(Serious note: I do not actually condone hitting people with cars, regardless of how terrible a person they are. Please don't hit people with your car unless you are a trained hitting people with your car-er.)
