Scar Flank's Journal

It’s been a few days since my last entry. Finding work in town hasn't been easy due to my less than reputable action against the tiny winged, meat headed pegasus. I don’t regret what I did, but my stomach certainly likes to remind me of how stupid it was. Going down the list of jobs posted at the job board in town hall was a fruitless task. More often than not, “Help Wanted” signs would disappear behind colorful curtains at my passing. Other ponies would just turn me away face to face or tell me that “the position has been filled, thanks anyway” before slamming the door in my face. Putting on a charming smile didn't really help as it would always look awkward and forced. My options were waning as was my ravenous tummy with each sting and bite to my insides. I descended the list of options rather rapidly. With energy spent and depression setting in I sunk my shoulders for the trek back to my home. “Excuse me sir!” My ears twitched to a voice from ahead of me. What could some pony want with me? Did they not know of my violent disposition?

Picking my head up a little I could see the hooves of a mare. The lack of stamina made my anxiety of being looked at a non-issue. Higher and higher I raised my head till we saw eye to eye. A concerned face greeted me as she spoke. “You look like a pony in desperate need of work.” Normally I’d snort at the thought of a pony taking pity on me. It always rubbed me the wrong way I suppose. But I was in no condition to argue, not to mention my imaginary Bro staring me down from behind her, giving me a look to tell me to just take whatever help I could get. With my eyes turned towards the floor I nodded to her statement. She wrote an address down on a scrap piece of paper and hoofed it to me. “Despite the aggressive act the other day no pony should go hungry. I’ll give you a chance.”

“Despite the aggressive act” she said. I guess I was a little more out of line than I thought. But even so, I know at least one pony knew the truth of that instructor’s bully like conduct. Hopefully she was doing fine at her job… well… as fine as she can be doing. All night I stared at the slip of paper, wondering what kind of job it could be. At this point any job is better than no job. My imaginary Bro paced up and down what little walking distance he could just spouting random possible occupations. I sometimes hate my overactive imagination. “It could be anything. It could be a job doing security. Wouldn't that be awesome? Ooh or a job tasting new foods for the town cook. That’d be sweet. Maybe even a job-“ After letting out a loud sigh cutting him off “Who knows? Maybe it’s a job where you shut up so I can sleep. Or better yet. It’s a job where we just sleep and worry about it in the morning”
“Why sleep now? You don’t have to be there till sundown tomorrow.”
“Oh well that changes everything. Ok then. I guess I’ll talk to myself ALL night.”
“……Really?”
“Ugh!!”

He was especially obnoxious that night. Back in the old days he’d only be like this after a good showing at the boxing ring. But this time he was only like this because my mind was actually a flutter of what the job could be. What could a mare like her have me do? I still didn't know the town very well and the address was unfamiliar. Come to think of it, I have yet to go looking for where I use to live in town. And still…I have yet to visit my parents graves. I don’t think I have the courage to face them yet. I never really knew them, plus I doubt they’d be proud of the pony I became. Not to mention I don’t even know their names. Finding out anything about them or where I lived might actually be impossible. Eventually my mind and my Bro settled allowing me to drift off into sleep.

My dream that night was one of particular woe. The voice of somepony I once held in my heart was humming a nostalgic song. With my heart twisting inside I could barely contain the tears from flowing. Tightly I held my eyes shut to hold it in knowing full well that those levies wouldn't last long, until I… felt her lean against me. Her horn was poking me in the chin like the old days; her warmth against me made the emotional torture all the worse. I dreaded opening my eyes and watching her vanish before me with disappointment upon her brow. It’s ironic. I pushed her away so she could be happy only to have her here in my dream, representing the arduous decision long ago made. Just as my hooves lifted up to embrace her a terrible pain shot through my chest, as though it was piercing through my very heart. My eyes opened to see the shack’s ceiling once more, hooves caressing my chest from the terrible nightmare that felt so real. I understood then, the second stage had begun. Now my dreams will have the impact to hurt me. It seems that there was still a long way to go before the final stage of my curse. More tears yet to be shed before I can finally rest my head.

Despite the terror of my dream it was still a little relaxing being able to sleep in a bit, hungry or not. I could tell that the sun was on the verge of setting. Like usual I did my little coat trick before going out and like usual I kept my hood up and my head down as I trotted through town. Instead of whispering ponies talking about me I heard the occasional door slam. As if I’d want anything from any of them. Raising my head up to read various street signs I neared my destination. Passing me by were small foals galloping to their various homes in town. Where was I going that I’d pass small children? Looking back as they passed one seemed to be left behind a little. Certainly seemed like the runt of the group. Continuing onward my path dead ended at… “A School!?”

There was no way in Equestria that I could ever work at a school. I’m no teacher, nor am I any good with kids. Oh Celestia, what could this mean? I figured at that point I could try flying away real sneaky like. “Excuse me, sir? You are just in time” Drat! She spotted me. I couldn't run away now. I had to play it off as a joke. “Hehehe sorry, thought I could run away, haha…ha” There was no way she would buy that. She giggled before responding “Nope, you got a lot of work I need done around here.” She totally bought it! “I’m sorry I didn’t introduce myself the last time we met, I am Ms. Cherilee. I teach the children here in this schoolhouse.”
“Oh uh well I don’t really have a name per se. Ponies just call me… um… Scar Flank”
“I noticed that little blemish back there. How did you get that if I may ask?”

It was strange, aside from my friends from my foalhood no other pony ever really took an interest in me. I told her about how I use to live in town as a baby and of my accident. I told her also of my early days at the orphanage. Felt better not to bring up painful memories for her to pity me over. She showed me into the class room and began to define what it is I was to do. There were all sorts of class room items scattered about. Drawings on the walls, bookshelves filled with textbooks, desks slightly out of line from the children’s anxious escape from class. Sights that reminded me of my foalhood raced through my head, it had been a very long time since my hooves had been in a classroom. The teacher appeared before me with bucket in mouth and various other cleaning items on her desk at the front of the room. “This is what I’d like you to do. The children leave this place in such disorder every day that I've decided to hire some pony to clean it for me. It’s not a great job to have but would you be willing to take up a task like this?” Her eyes widened, hoping that I’d take the job. Relegation to janitor duty to a bunch of kids? It’s not like I had any other alternative. Sliding my hood back I picked up a sponge and went to it. She let out gleeful sound before returning to her desk to look over her students’ assignments. I suspect she was tired of doing it herself, so why not hire a sucker to do it? And a sucker I was.

I had expected to be by myself when the cleaning had taken place. There was a stillness in the air as I washed desk after desk, dusted shelf after shelf and removed various trash strewed about the floor and receptacles. All that could be heard was the sounds of wiping from my sponges, various desk legs scratching the floor from each bump, flaps of paper that the teacher was looking over from the class’s assignments that day and even the occasional cough. The first night started out ok but then became awkward as no other conversations were carried on during my task. The sun was completely down, she looked over my cleaning and nodded for a job well done. Subsequent to locking up the school we went our separate ways. Before she got too far out of sight she called out to me. “Thank you Mr. Scar, see you same time tomorrow?” I just awkwardly waved back before taking flight into the starry, night sky. I was beat. Cleaning up that room really took it out of me. I was set to finally sleep and wait for work tomorrow. I nestled into my coat pillow and shut my eyes… only to have the open wide a split second later. “SHE FORGOT TO PAY ME!!!” The moment that realization hit me so did my stomach. Suffice it to say, that night was also of a woeful nature.

I had no nightmares to speak of, but the pain of hunger was nagging at me nonstop. Lounging around that next day wouldn't work, I needed something to take my mind off things. Perhaps a trot around the nearby lake would do the trick. With coat in mouth I swung opened the door only to be stopped by a basket of food sitting at my doorstep topped off with a hoof written note. My jaw dropped as did my coat. Food, glorious food sat their staring me in the eyes, begging me forth to consume it and satisfy my famine once more. I could almost sing about this wonderful treat… but I won’t. The note was from the teacher.

Dear Mr. Scar

Sorry I didn't remember to pay you for your services yesterday evening. It did not hit me until I tucked myself into bed. I thought that this basket of food could tide you over until later. Once again I am deeply sorry about that.

Signed

Ms. Cherilee

P.S. I have a proposition for you when you finish up tonight if you don’t mind hearing me out.

A “proposition”? What could that mean? Did she really have to word the message that way? I paced back and forth in front of my door wondering what it could be. And of course he had to show up. “Ya know, it could mean she digs ya. Heh! Get it? Digs ya. I made a funny.” I payed him no mind as I thought about it long and carefully. I just couldn’t think on this empty stomach. I had this nice basket of food all for me and a bench by the lake with my name on it. Sweet serenity came packaged with tasty fruits and a view of the lake. Before I could take a bite of the red, delicious apple within, “Dweebs! All of them are dweebs! Stupid Pinkie turning Dash into a loser!” And like that my serenity was shattered by the irritable words of a rude griffin. Her grumbling just got louder as her rant continued. I did what I could to ignore her and go back to my meal, keeping my eyes trained on my food and the lake. Louder and louder she became, flailing her arms in frustration. Glancing up at her only once out of curiosity made me the target of her ire. “Whatchu lookin at you punk!?” Nervously I kept my head down, I didn’t need trouble. Not now. Unfortunately it was too late. With a flap of her giant wings she was right there next to me, staring me down with a deathly gaze. “You have something to say to me, short stop?” She just had to say something about my height. The anger inside clawed at my skull, trying to escape all the while Bro whispered to me “Resist that urge to get angry. Look at her. She is just upset about something that does not relate to you. You will regret losing control. Don’t fight HER, fight your nature. I believe in you.” His fictitious voice in my ear abated the urge to retaliate.

“I didn’t think so!” She turned to walk away from me; I had succeeded in not giving into my darker side. Sadly, with swipe of her tail the basked was knocked to the ground spilling the contents. I was sitting here on the bench minding my own business and only looked at this angry griffin. My Bro’s calming message vanished from my mind. I felt it was time to let some steam off anyway. Her wings spread wide to take off, but not before I had my say. “So what did some little pink pony take your precious Dashie from you? How annoying. You sound like a crying child getting upset and throwing a tantrum.” Her wings stiffened before calmly folding back. She turned to me, wrath pouring from her eyes. With her talons outstretched she picked me up and forced me against the tree next to the bench. Pain was on the menu and she was ready to order. “What did you say to me you pipsqueak!?”
“You heard me you feather brained crybaby. No wonder your friend left you behind. All that anger for nothing. Did the wittle ponies make a fool of a big nasty griffin like yourself? Aww. Pff good! Who’d want to be a friend to someone like you anyways? “
“SHUT UP!!!”
“Struck a cord have I? Wow you sound so very lame. Maybe she wasn’t the lame one after all. Maybe YOU were too lame for her. The sight of you sickens me. I hate seeing pathetic things.”

Her eyes were intense. Angry tears were cascading off her puffy red cheeks. I was certain to receive the generous beating. But her wrathful grunts and groans became more dejected as she slowly put me down and collapsed into a mess of emotional devastation. I had to snap myself back out of it and realize what I had done. Against my better nature I had once again succumbed to my own inner malice. This once tough spirited griffin now lay balled up on the ground trying to hide her tears and shame. At that moment, at that one single moment I looked at her and saw a little bit of myself, saw another who was isolated for being different. Calmly I collected what food that could still be eaten and cleaned off the dirt. Sitting back at my bench with the griffin still whimpering I couldn’t even take a bite without tasting sour bile of guilt. It was no use. I had to fix this somehow. Bro had been giving me dirty stares for the entirety of my tirade. “Hey!” The griffon looked up to see me toss her something from the basket. She still looked plenty ticked but munched away at the fruit anyway. Slowly she eventually sat next to me on the bench. Hardly any words were exchanged for the better part of an hour. At least the guilt was somewhat gone. Her words broke the silence once more. “You tell a single pony about this and you will be on the top of my beat list.”
“What griffin? I didn’t see a griffin today. Besides, most ponies don’t interact with me anyway.”
“With the way you look, I don’t blame them… The coat is pretty rad though. Oh dude! Whats with that scar?”
“So I take it you had a falling out with a friend of yours?”
“Pretty lame dodge of that question. Pssh, if that dweeb wants to be with the other losers in this town, let her. She knows where to find me if she wants to ditch being a loser. This town is lame anyway. Anyway, what’s a pony like you doing in a lame town like this? This place is all happy sunshine sparkles and you look like thug with a gnarly chip on his shoulder.”
“I came here fairly recently from Manehatton.”
“Ha! That’s the look. You certainly look the part of an inner city thug.”

The banter between us stayed pretty much like that for the rest of the day. She’d joke about how “lame” the ponies in town are. I’d just nod my head to keep her entertained. The sun’s setting soon led to our parting. I had my work at the school to do and she wasn’t really welcome in town from what I gathered. Before taking off she yelled back from the sky, “Consider yourself off my beat list for now.” I didn’t look back, just raised my hoof up as my goodbye.

The children passed by, happy and care free. Once again the little one trailing behind the others eager to catch up. Normally it would be just another day of cleaning. However I had, at that moment, remembered her “proposition”. We exchanged pleasantries and casually went about our business. I couldn’t get my mind off of what it was she wanted to talk about. Maybe it was not that important after all. Maybe I have nothing to worry about. It was dead quiet yet again that night. “Oh right, Mr. Scar!” The sudden sound of her voice startled me as I dropped my sponge to the linoleum floor. She giggled and began again. “Sorry about that. I was wondering if you’d help me with a little something.” I gulped a little bit before responding back. “W-what d-did you have in m-mind.” She moved from behind her desk and approached me, my heart was beating rapidly with each hoof step. This couldn’t possibly be a good thing. Closer and closer she drew until she stood directly in front of me, inside my personal bubble. “Would you mind if I introduced you to the class tomorrow.”
“……What?”
“I can see that you are not at all the pony you make yourself out to be. You are actually well natured for your appearance and I can see that your scar makes things difficult for you. So I think it would help teach the class about not judging other ponies by their appearance if you’d let me introduce you to them.”

All the anxiety melted away as I let out a sigh of relief. I had really thought that Ms. Cherilee was… well now that isn’t important but what is important was the fact as soon as my nervous energy left me it came right back. I was going to be presented, to a classroom full of foals. They would see me. My spine became ice cold as I rushed into a corner of the room and hid under my hood. “What’s wrong Mr. Scar. I never pegged you to be a shy pony.”
“Typically I don’t like it when ponies look at me. I can handle it sometimes when there aren’t so many but… this seems a bit much.”
“You weren’t so shy around me.”
“I was hungry and didn’t think about it then. Haven’t you wondered why I wear my hood up all the time?”
“That’s a little silly don’t you think? Why don’t you want them to see you?”
“I dunno. I just feel, uncomfortable.”

She then placed her hoof on my head reassuringly. “It will be alright. I promise. I think the children will like you quite frankly. Well most of them anyway.” I looked up to her in puzzlement. “Most of them?”
“I have two foals who are a bit… on the not so nice side. But don’t worry. The others will be completely enthralled by you.”

Believing in her words just seemed right at the time. I don’t know if it was because she was a mare or just the first pony not to look at me like another bad guy. My nerves left me as I returned to the task of cleaning the school house. With a few nods of approval once more she locked the front door and presented me a sack of bits. “Hey wait a second I think you gave me a little too much. I mean I only cleaned the room. I don’t think my cleaning is worth…. 120 BITS!?”
“Think of it as a thank you for agreeing to my request and also a little investment to get your hooves on the ground.”
“I didn’t say yes though.”
“Then you are fired.”
“I’ll see you bright and early ma’am!”
“Hahaha, I was joking. But if you really don’t want to you don’t have to.”

Pausing to think on it for just a few seconds we both went our separate ways. I looked back before she got out of view. “Are you sure that I won’t scare the children? I mean you do know about my violent attack against that instructor?” She looked back with a smile. “I also know he was suspended for his bullying behavior to a newcomer to our town. Everypony just feels nervous around you because you look so menacing. But you are in fact more kind than you realize.” My shoulder’s lifted; the weight of my action didn’t seem so heavy anymore. The other ponies still thought of me as a bit scary but they also know I was only responding to his negative comments. Maybe I can let go of my shy, recluse nature. But the fact remains that I am knocking on heaven’s door from my curse coupled with my short temper meant that getting close to anypony is a danger to them.

Sleep was unreachable for me as I thought most of the night about coming to class for Ms. Cherilee and what would happen when I got there. One idea was of the children screaming and panicking as they climbed over one another fighting hoof and wing and horn to get away. Another was of them laughing at my scar and me losing control of my temper again. That one bore the majority of my fear. Then, in this bleak life of mine, I thought a little positively for a change. I guess that knowing other ponies knew I was just ticked off at the instructor helped pick up my spirits a little. Smirking off in the corner of the room, Bro entertained wild notions of how the day could go. “Maybe they will be all like, ‘WOW! That scar is so cool mister! Where did you get that jacket? I want one too’.” For once in a long while his ideas actually made me smile a bit. I dare say I was looking forward to tomorrow.

The sounds of birds could be heard chirping, stirring me awake as I contorted and stretched out my limbs. It was the first dreamless night I had for a while. I snacked on what was left in the basket and headed out after my morning routine. This time however, I did not put my hood up. It just somehow felt like it was going to be ok. It didn’t even hurt to smile all the way there. Go figure that out. For once, since I got here I could see the whole town as I walked about. It seemed a lot prettier than I remember from my first viewing of it at the market. Ponies passing by didn’t stare at me… well not too much. I was still a little nervous about all of this as I didn’t maintain eye contact with anypony along the way. The school during the day had a different appearance than at sundown. Removing my hood allowed me to step into a whole new world I never knew. It was so much more colorful and vibrant. With a few knocks I could see the teacher look over to me, nodding her head to enter. I could tell by her eyes that she was a bit taken aback by my wearing my hood down. I responded with an awkward smile. The class that once held a ruckus soon pacified at the teacher’s signal and all that could be heard upon my entrance was the creaking of the door and the few whispers between the foals. “Class this is Mr. Scar. He is new to town.” I looked around and saw so many young faces staring right back at me. Some of them in shock at my appearance, some of them fascinated, some a little uneasy and nervous, and a few who seemed less than interested. “Um… hi everypony.” My voice cracked just a little and a few giggles bounced from one foal to the other. One by one the children slowly raised their hooves to ask questions, and one by one Ms. Cherilee pointed them out. The first was a little one with a big red bow. “Are you the one mah sister met in the market the other day? The one who flew away after she introduced herself?” The country accent was too familiar, this little one must have been related to the mare with the hat. What was her name again…? “Um… yea… eh… sorry about that. I’m not too good at being social.”
“Heehee, she did say you were mighty shy.”
“Please tell her I’m sorry as well.”

The teacher then pointed to the next one. It was a little orange filly. “Where did you get that cool jacket? It looks soo awesome. If I had a jacket like that Rainbow Dash would sure notice me.”
“What? This? This jacket belonged to my Bro. He… uh gave it to me before I left Manehatton for here. Probably one of the coolest ponies I know. He even taught be to box a little when I was little.”

I had to lie to the little filly about how I acquired the jacket, she just looked so dang cute. They all did, I couldn’t make all these foals teary eyed. I wouldn’t have survived it. The next question came from a little unicorn up front. “Your coat looks a little torn, do you need it fixed? My sister can fix it for you mister. She owns a boutique and makes all kinds of dresses and stuff.”
“Hehe well hey now! My coat isn’t THAT bad. Come to think of it though…it does look a little ratty and stinky too. Think she can clean it as well?”

The whole class laughed at my lousy joke. I never felt so comfortable in so long. It was fun answering questions and interacting with these kids. Soon after hooves flew up into the air. The next question came from a little pipsqueak in the back. Ironically the teacher referred to him as Pipsqueak. “What’s your cutie mark mister? I can’t figure it out.” My belly full of happy butterflies went cold and dead. I felt terror as foal after foal looked to one another, tilting their heads at the oddity that was my lack of a cutie mark. Please don’t let me lose my temper. Not now. Not here. “Well… um… uh… ya see.” The teacher interrupted. “He had a terrible accident when he was just a baby class.” The looks on their eyes were wide and concerned, few of them gasping at the thought of such a thing. I had to say something. “Y-yea. It was a long time ago. But I’m all better for it. See? In fact I think I am all the tougher from it. Ha ha...ha.” I had to force a laugh to steer the conversation to a more lighthearted rout. The chatter among them became more and more audible as they wondered about my little mark. The teacher settled them down soon enough. Then the little guy in the back who asked the question shouted out with a voice so tiny. “I think it’s cool, Mister.” These well behaved children made forget all about my troubles. Then suddenly, a prissy looking filly with a tiara spoke out of turn. “Does that mean you don’t have a talent?” I’ll admit it stung a little bit but I knew she was just a kid. I just laughed it off. “Hehe actually I’m not sure what my talent is. The scar makes it impossible for me to know what it might be.” Another filly next to her spoke out of turn as well. “So you don’t even know if your special talent is something lame or not?” That one stung a little bit more. I guess these were the few fillies the teacher mentioned. The smile on my face became more and more burdensome as the heckling continued. “Now girls that is very rude!”
“His special talent must be cleaning or something because my daddy saw him cleaning the town not too long ago. Is that your talent mister? Is cleaning up pony’s messes your talent?”
“Girls! That is enough; now apologize to Mr. Scar this instant!”
“Why? Isn’t that what he is supposed to do? I bet he also cleans this class after school. I see him come here after we all leave.”

I just stood there dumbfounded at how cruel these two fillies were being. It felt just like my childhood all over again. Even if it was just them doing the heckling it still drudged up painful memories. I didn’t say another word. I just calmly turned around and walked out of the class. If I had stayed there any longer, I fear they’d see a side of me only few would ever get to see and be conscious afterward. The teacher rushed out as well as a few of the children. I just looked back and glared before jetting off into the sky. I should have known that this day wasn’t going to be awesome. Gilda was right all along. This town is really “Lame”. But where else could I go? I was furious. I haven’t changed at all. I can’t get past what I am. After landing near my house I took my anger out on a close by tree. Jab after jab after hook after hook, I punched this tree over and over, shaking leaves and critters from its branches. I must have done that for hours and hours. After I worked my frustration out on the tree I looked and saw many hoof indentations. It still wasn’t enough. I wanted to keep going until the tree fell over. But my energy was spent and my hooves were sorer than they had ever been before. Sitting there at the base of the tree, watching the world go by, Ms. Cherilee soon came looking for me. Why would she even think it was a good idea to come find me? “I’m so very sorry Mr. Scar. I didn’t mean for it to go that way.” I blankly stared at her, too weary to answer. “Those two have received a month’s detention after a week’s suspension. Please come back. The children really liked you.”
“He…ha ha…. HAHAHAHAA. Liked me? That is absolutely the problem. They shouldn’t like me. NO PONY SHOULD!!! I am probably the most unfriendly pony in all of Ponyville, maybe all of Equestria. You think my violent act was only because that meat head insulted me the other day? Heh! WRONG! I was only mildly annoyed then. If I get really angry some ponies don’t wake up for days when I am done with them. I am dangerous. Too dangerous to be around children or anypony for that matter. If you knew what I was like as a colt you’d be terrified to be in the same continent as me. Now I will say this once and only once. You and the others should STAY AWAY!!! All of you, just leave me in peace and forget you ever saw me!”
“But Mr. Scar I-“
“NO! You promised it would be ok. You promised that I’d be ok. Hearing that spoiled rich brat brought up too many painful memories. I’m a bad pony. I was when I was little and I am now!”
“No you are not! You are only pushing all the other ponies away and hiding under that coat because you are afraid of getting hurt! You are a kind and good pony I can see it. You don’t ha-”

I sprung up and advanced to within inches of her face glaring down on her, telling her to leave with my eyes. That look, the look I remember all too well. The look of fear was on her face, and I hated myself for seeing it again. She ran off after a few seconds. I don’t know if she was crying or not, but its better this way. I can’t control my anger. If I have another outburst, I don’t know what I’d do if I…. I think it’s best to just sleep for awhile. Staggering back to my shack, my figment Bro just looked away. It wasn't the first time I made him ashamed of me. Just imagining it tears a hole in my heart.