Applejack owns a musket

by thebandit2000

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Violence, Slice of Life, Death, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity
Length: 1031

just like the founding fathers intended

Twilight is tired of villains breaking into her castle, so she calls the other mane six for suggestions
and applejack has a rather odd one

Published 2022-07-07 02:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-07-07 02:20:01 UTC

"tally ho lads"

“Thank you coming everypony” Twilight said beginning the meeting.

“No sweat” Rainbow said “Not a problem darling” Rarity said
“oh... its not a problem” Fluttershy whispered “Not a problem sugercube!” Applejack hollered “I'm here too!” pinkie yelled across the room.

Twilight smiled “great, so to began” Twilight’s horn began to glow with magic as she lowered a screen and a projector.
Twilight used the remote that was left on the table, she used it to show an image of starlight sitting on one of the thrones giving an evil smirk.

“As you all know by now, many different threats that we faced over the past few years or so-” Twilight began to explain, switching over to a slide showing a group of dark changelings hissing at the camera “-have started to well.... invade my home as of late” she put bluntly, as well showing a small unicorn, with a stupid looking haircut having a dark liquid pour from his eyes.

“And I was thinking of maybe having some form of defense might be long over do” Twilight said shutting off the projector
“and seeing has how no protection spells work for whatever reason I thought that I might get some ideas from you”.

Twilight pointed to Rainbow Dash
“so Rainbow any ideas?” Twilight asked, Rainbow gave a small laugh
“we should learn karate, that will give them a run for their money” Rainbow proclaimed Twilight nodded.
“What about you Rarity?” Twilight asked
“Believe it or not I think we should with Rainbow’s idea, I know it can get me out of a few tight spots” Rarity explained
“besides I hear all the boys love a dangerous mare” Rarity cooed.

Twilight tapped her chin in thought “maybe” she muttered she turned to Fluttershy
“do you have any ideas Fluttershy” Twilight asked
“you could hire some guards” Fluttershy suggested
“hmm too simple” Twilight noted
“What the hell do mean ‘too simple’?” Fluttershy asked confused but Twilight ignored her and turned to Pinkie Pie.

“Any ideas Pinkie?” Twilight asked
“Use a knife, works every time!” Pinkie said happily Twilight raised a brow “have you used a knife on anypony?” Twilight asked, Pinkie’s face went blank
“n-no” Pinkie lied.

Applejack gave a long, hardy, anime villain sounding laugh “ya’ll are going about it the wrong way” Applejack stated turning towards Twilight with a grin “you should get a musket, just as the founding fathers wanted” Applejack proudly explained.

The whole table stared at her in silence.
“A what?” Fluttershy asked, Applejack snorted.
“Let me give y’all an example” Applejack began “say... four ruffians break into my house, I go upstairs and grab my powdered wig-”
“wait you own a powder wig?” Rarity so rudely interrupted “yep... got it right here!” Applejack said pulling out a wooden head with the said wig on it.

Rarity cringed at how dirty it was. “Anyway as I was saying, I run upstairs grab my powder wig, and my musket Kentucky rifle I run downstairs and blow a golf ball sized hole Through first intruder he’s dead on the spot”.

“Whoa applejack!” Twilight yelled “I just wanted a way to keep bad guys out of my home, not murder somepony” Twilight said shocked that her friend would suggest such a thing.
“Twilight its not murder if its in self defense” Applejack pointed out “besides you wanted a way to keep ponies out, well here ya go”

Twilight frowned “still... I don’t want to kill anypony” she admitted
“oh Twi we all got do things we don’t like” Applejack said sympathetically “but this I like to do” the farm pony admitted.
“Ok so you kill the first intruder, but what about the other three?” Fluttershy asked

“I’m glad you asked!” Applejack shouted “I wish I didn’t” Fluttershy muttered.
“Anyway I switch to my pistol since my rifle only has one shot, I fire but I miss him completely since it’s a smooth ball and I nail the dog instead”

Fluttershy gasped and covered her mouth with her hooves. “Why would you hit Wenona?” Fluttshy cried
Applejack rolled her eyes as if the answer was obvious “she’s an old dog shy” Applejack explained “she’s gonna die anyway”.

“But wait, why are you planning on missing?” Rainbow pointed out
“Were ya’ll not listening?” Applejack asked “I said it wasn’t planed, why would I want to miss?”
“B-but y-you said-” Rainbow stuttered
“Anyway I have to run back up the stairs with my cannon mounted at the top”
“wha- why do you have a cannon on top of your stairs?” Rarity asked completely confused at point.

“Doesn’t matter, anyway as I said I go upstairs to the cannon and then I shout at them ‘tally ho’ and light the rope” Applejack explained
“I have never heard you say ‘tally ho’...not once” Rarity stated Applejack ignored her comment and continued her story.

“Anyway the cannon goes off and kills two of the intruders and the shrapnel from the grape shot blows a hole in my house, and breaks a couple windows in the town” Applejack explains.

“But you’re a couple miles from the town how would that break windows?” Rainbow replied
“I think its because it is really loud” Twilight thought out loud
“are we not going to ask how she got a cannon in the first place!?” Fluttershy asked
“Or the fact that she plans destroying her house?” Rarity pointed out
“Hey guys I'm here too” Pinkie said wanting to be included.

“AHEM... moving on” Applejack commented “Then I fix my bayonet to the end of my rifle and charge at the last intruder he standing there in fear and doesn’t have time to react as the bayonet stabs his heart, he falls to the ground and bleeds to death as I laugh in victory” Applejack finally finished.

“And that is my idea... any questions?” Applejack looked around, the room was as quiet as the grave as all her friends gave confused and dumbfounded looks.

“What the fuck?” muttered Fluttershy finally breaking the silence.
“I have a question” Rainbow cried raising a hoof “what are the founding fathers?”

Author's Note

Happy (late) 4th of July I guess :applejackconfused: