Far out in the rural pastures of the unfashionable end of the central part of Equestria lies a very small region of the country. Lurking within this small region at an inconsequential distance of roughly a few thousand hoof-lengths is an utterly insignificant sleepy little town whose wishfully friendship-minded ponies are so amazingly primitive they still think that airships are a pretty neat idea.
This town has ─or rather had─ many problems which were thus; most of the ponies living within it were unhappy and friendless for pretty much most of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem that ran along the lines of actually making more friends and generally being nice to one another, but most of these suggestions ran parallel with the movement of small shiny pieces of gold, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small shiny pieces of gold that were unhappy.
And so the problem remained; lots of the ponies were unhappy, and most of them were miserable, even the ones that got to ride in fancy airships.
Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in living in the small town in the first place, and some said that settling the town where it was had also been a mistake, and that perhaps the Two Sisters shouldn't have founded Equestria at all as it had made a lot of surrounding peoples very angry and was widely considered a bad move.
And then, one Sunday, just past one-thousand years after one of those Sisters had been banished to the planet's moon for causing what was likely the largest friendship problem within recent years, a simple-minded mare sitting on her own in a small park in the town off the corner of a local bakery called Sugarcube Corner enjoying a baked good, quite suddenly realised what it was that had been going wrong all this time. She finally knew how the country and indeed the world could be made a good and happy place, and this time they could make everything go right, everything would work, and nopony would have to get banished to any orbiting satellites.
Sadly however, before she could even get up and rush to tell anypony about it, a terrible and wonderfully stupid catastrophe occurred in which a nerdy purple unicorn arrived into the sleepy little town and began to cause all manner of bedlam with a few other local idiotic mares, that all quickly began solving all of their problems and the town's happiness magically started to increase. Then, the Sister that had been ferried away to the lifeless rock in space had come back as Nightmare Moon and everything only became crazier after the fact, friendship and happiness kept going up though so that was nice. With the town changing so rapidly the mare decided that maybe the idea she'd had wasn't all that good anyway, especially if friendship simply led to more chaos and ponies got the idea that more mares with outlandish attitudes started to make like they owned the place, and the idea in her head was wilfully lost forever.
This is not her story.
From then on she simply kept to her postal deliveries and tried not to drop anymore pianos and other such heavy objects on the nerdy purple unicorn, which was actually a complete accident that was thankfully glossed over because mares are meant to be tough, such as it was during an incident with the town hall wherein she dragged a rainbow-maned pegasus down into a haphazard hole she'd created by ditzfully slamming into things with her large bottom. Personally, while she liked all of these silly ponies she noted that before the nerdy purple unicorn had moved into the small town she was a great deal less clumsy, however nopony had ever really taken that much notice of her beforehoof and now she had many friends despite the rampant chaos, so she couldn't really complain about the outcome.
Again though, this is not her story.
But it is a story about that initially terrible and wonderfully stupid catastrophe involving the nerdy purple unicorn and some of its consequences. It is also the story of an illicit photograph, a photograph taken magically on a mobile phone powered by gem-magic. The phone and its subsequent magitech are only marginally related however to this particular photograph, of which comprises a very scandalous view of the Princess of the Night's backside. Not a normal pony's backside by any means, nor ever heard of being observed by mortal pony eyes, and until the terrible consequences and their following ramifications that changed how the small town worked, never actually beheld by a pony.
Nevertheless, a wholly remarkable backside.
In fact, it was likely one of the most remarkable backsides to ever grace Equus with its lovely appearance, the photograph managing quite splendidly to frame just about everything of a pony's plot one would normally expect and want to see in a salacious photograph to titillate the senses. But the story of this terrible and wonderfully stupid Sunday (but not the ditzy mare), the story of its extraordinary consequences, and indeed the story of how these consequences are inextricably intertwined with this wholly remarkable backside of a Princess begins very simply.
It begins with a stallion.
An Equestrian stallion living in Ponyville, Equestria, to be precise.
Who has no more understanding of his destiny or his impact in the cosmic events that surround Equus or indeed the events that generally unfold within Equestria, as does a pesky low-salary reporter for the Canterlot Gazette have any more influence over the current political intrigue secretly going on in the upper courts of the Monarchy. Which naturally is to say; very little at all. Which tangentially enough, very little at all was the level of interest he had in normal everyday life and its common happy affairs. He exists within the sleepy little town of Ponyville rather unremarkably and goes about his business in an equally unremarkable fashion, not ordaining the usual attention that many wonderfully pretty ponies receive, and indeed the higher levels that fashionable stallions are showered with as they go about their business. There are no grand adventures of a truly epic proportion in his daily life whatsoever, as certainly pertains to some of Ponyville's more outgoing and prolific denizens.
His name, quite simply, is Leon. He is a slightly shorter than normal Equine descendent of the ancient unicorn tribes in the region of Trottingham, and his particular special talent in an almost stereotypical fashion for the area is making rather good cup of tea, to which he bore quite a plain symbol of a cup of tea and saucer with a sappy little gold love-heart right above it upon his haunch. What was truly strange to him in particular was his name, in that he didn't feel himself to be all Lion-like, nor did he have a particularly leonine build, and yet his namesake was a common noble beast adored by dozens of cultures and peoples that alluded to the fact. His parents had taken their honeymoon in Germaneigh, so he had supposed that might possibly be the reason for it and took it as fact.
He couldn't exactly ask them about his name however, as they were currently buried deep within the cemetery just down the road from having been involved in a terrible accident during an opera some years ago while on holiday in Nippone. Leon had declined going along on that particular holiday in which after a wonderful performance by a lovely Kirin seneschal of Her Lady Sakura Blossom the Fifth's household, a burgeoning Changeling performer employed at the Opera House as a janitor had quickly taken to the stage to sing their heart out as well and showcase their hidden talents. On no account should this have been allowed as it was so terribly awful that Her Lady saved herself the continued excruciating pain by committing ritual suicide, and sadly, his parents were killed along with about the entirety of the audience of heavy internal haemorrhaging from being subjected to such an awful vocal range.
The Changeling felt that such a chilly reception to their singing was maybe just a little unfair, and had wholly attempted to sing an epic they'd composed just earlier in the week they'd titled The Joys Of My Murky Little Cave And The Collection Of Ichor I Keep, at least until their lower thoracic spiracles ─a very interesting and unique part of Changeling anatomy attached to their lungs─ promptly decided to seize and block themselves to stop the Changeling from being able to breathe, perhaps in a selfless attempt to save the rest of the audience from certain doom.
Leon's name probably didn't matter very much anyway as many didn't bother with it, and the most that anypony ever called him if they interacted with him at all was commonly the nickname of L, which he felt was entirely unnecessary as he had a one word name. His nickname ran in a similar vein of ignoring his full name ─as nicknames were staggeringly wont to do─ to that of incredibly beautiful yet utterly introverted Miss Felicia Flutterwyn Shy who lived just on the edge of the Everfree Forest and was quite simply referred to as Fluttershy, and who of which he generally avoided because despite her attractiveness she possessed a very strange habit of collecting far too many animals. It was a trait that often endeared her to many other ponies and especially stallions as she loved collecting the small cute variety the most, but for him it simply came across as high maintenance and very bizarre.
He is a slender and fairly normal looking light-fawn Unicorn if one disregards the overly long, messy, and horrendously unstyled deep-maroon mop of a mane and tail, and the periorbital dark markings under his striking goldenrod-coloured eyes brought on from an amazingly awful sleep schedule. His golden eyes might very well have leaned towards pretty, if not intrinsically accompanied by his piercing gaze that tended to make ponies considerably uncomfortable.
On this fine summer morning gifted to Equus by Princess Celestia, he is rather groggy, as he quite expectedly is every single morning, lending to that he greatly prefers to sleep during the day. It is a fair assessment to say that Leon was not a morning pony, if indeed at all a day pony, or arguably if he was at all a pony with the insanely mind-boggling amounts of tea he could consume ─which far surpassed that of any energy drink consumption─ and not suffer any heart palpitations or arrhythmia, and also still somehow manage to sleep at all despite the outstandingly high levels of caffeine in his bloodstream.
Except for when he couldn't, naturally because of all the tea he drank.
Or instead when he had an erection that demanded his attention.
Like now, when both things worked in tandem.
Leon grumbled with a mute level of discontent knowing that he wouldn't be getting back to sleep for at least another few hours until he'd had a wank and his body decided it had been subjected to quite enough of this staying awake nonsense. He promptly began to get ready for the morning even though it was currently two-twenty-seven in the afternoon, shuffling onto his hooves from wonderfully warm trappings of his fluffy duvet onto a somewhat chilly laminated floor and throwing on a comfortable robe to hide the large mast of morning wood hanging boorishly underneath him. It hadn't occurred to Leon yet that his gem phone had several messages awaiting his attention, and it hadn't properly registered at all that he even had a mobile magitech gem-phone despite that he'd already glanced at the screen and was in fact automatically floating it alongside himself as he went, nor would it register until his first morning cup of tea.
The notifications went unnoticed.
Blearily wandering past the upstairs window of his landing, he caught out of the corner of a barely open eyelid that the pleasant and nicely curvy grey delivery mare with the unfortunate eye problem was making the rounds in full uniform with her delivery bag in tow, and she only ever came down this way if she was delivering something to his address.
It was a little strange to see her as he didn't recall ordering anything from his special catalogues, but nonetheless this change in circumstances shifted the priorities in his mind as the mere idea of interaction without a piping hot cup of tea in hoof slightly miffed him somewhat. Rather than go to the bathroom to wash as per his general routine he immediately trundled down the stairs into the kitchen, putting the kettle on with a quick gold flare of the horn and initiating the usual time-honoured ritual of putting a tea-bag and two sugars into the massive mug he always used, happening in an instant with well-practised ease.
With a deep yawn the word genitals very briefly wandered through the forefront of his mind, Leon not at all perturbed by the extremely particular thought as his eyes passed over the side kitchen window that faced out towards the path leading around to his front door, as the delivery mare spotted him looking at her and gave him a friendly wave as she came around. Leon stared back at the delivery mare's gesture a little blankly but managed the smallest of smiles, just for her, as she was a rather decent sort of pony he liked well enough that never casually flirted with him, not that he'd have minded the attention from her, though the general attitude she had was quite agreeable. He managed to retrieve the milk from the fridge and add it to his robustly tanning-lined mug after filling it with boiling hot water from the kettle, quickly putting everything back where it belonged and going to the door with his hot cup of tea next to him all within the space of a few seconds just as the decent delivery mare politely knocked thrice.
Taking a large sip that by all means would have scalded a lesser pony's tongue not used to drinking such vast quantities of freshly-boiled tea, Leon figured he wasn't suffering any indecent wardrobe malfunctions and opened the door to the very cheerful mare looking at him with lovely golden eyes as she wished him a good afternoon and hoofed over his parcel. He was fairly certain he mumbled something polite and thankful as he took it within his magic but it probably wouldn't register until later. He took another sip as he stared at the parcel he hadn't remembered ordering as she fluttered away on her large wings, thoughtfully gazing with a moderate measure of longing at her wonderfully well-proportioned bottom that was being compressed by the skin-tight uniform and was a step above most mare's bodies with the effort she clearly put into it.
'Moon', he thought, and picked up the fresh glass bottle of milk that had been left by his front door for him. Milk from cows. A simple enough practice that cows were happy to do even if it was seen as highly irregular by most outside of Trottingham or the Albion Isles, yet he didn't think so; it made tea a great deal better. He closed the door and sluggishly plodded into the kitchen to deposit the milk before returning back upstairs to go about his usual routine.
Sipping at his tea, chucking the parcel onto his bed, and quickly throwing off the robe to go hop in the shower, his stiff member idly bobbed as he turned about and cast a frown at it. Leon couldn't be bothered dealing with his dick right now or with opening the parcel at that moment in time, however he was certainly curious as to what was in it, wracking his brain and ruminating on the possibilities as he trotted to the bathroom. 'Moon', he thought again as he also thought about the reason as to why that word was stuck in his head.
Getting into the bathtub and putting the shower on full blast, he stepped in when it finally went from lukewarm to hot, leaning away from the falling water to sip at his tea he'd brought along with him before moving back and letting the water cascade over him. His face was buried within his maroon mop with only his horn free and glowing gold as he worked on putting the usual amounts of flowery-scented shampoo and conditioner through his mane, tail, and coat. When the conditioner was rubbed in and lathered he leant out for another deeper sip from his mug and stayed there out of the spray to let the formula work its way into the hair while he stood and thought.
Leon ignored his turgid stallionhood as it willfully twitched from the spray gently brushing it. Time for that would come later, and so would he. Oh, wait, the parcel... That was it, wasn't it? A new toy to pleasure himself with? He vaguely recalled something about the back section of one of the catalogues and the specific delights held within. Did he order something while blindly drunk again? Had he been drinking the previous day to the point he'd horny-ordered again? The times he drank alcohol were few and far between though he had accrued a small collection of forgotten toys that were hit or miss from such instances where he'd done such, numerous odd holes that were sort of alright and only a passing curiosity next to his greatly preferred toys that got the job done far more amazingly. Well, whatever, he'd solve that mystery after his shower.
Eventually Leon got out and started to dry himself through with a massively oversized and fluffy comforting towel ─well worth the five bits he'd spent on it and he always found he had a rather strange urge to take it everywhere with him for reasons beyond his comprehension─ when he'd rinsed all of the conditioner from his body, turning to one side as he looked in the mirror and examined himself and his slender figure, and frowning at its averageness. His eyes then wandered over a dust-covered make-up kit ─promptly placed and ignored since being gifted it by a mare once upon a time as he didn't really care for such things─ to rest onto his own plot as that seemed to be the best looking bit of himself by far. 'Moon', came the thought into his mind again, and the word moon played across his head as he tried to figure out why it was hanging around like an unwanted visitor carolling outside at Hearth's Warming.
Wait.
Sleep, erection, tea, genitals, mare, moon, parcel... phone?
Wait.
Leon's still-damp hooves quickly carried him out of the bathroom across the landing and into his bedroom to where he was certain he'd left his mobile phone, hastily ensnaring everything within his glowing corona and looking about for it before coming to realise that the device was actually already right next to his head, and brought it to his face with extremely high levels of curiosity.
He was immediately surprised to find that he had about a dozen new messages because nopony ever actually cared to message him other than the strange pink party mare he didn't bother remembering the name of, and that came along in the form of a written letter on his birthday, where he would find a perfectly made chocolate cake positively laden with all manner of varying little chocolatey bits from several different brands he enjoyed all over it, and neatly resting within the pastry box on his doorstep would the card affixed to it. He wasn't sure how the odd mare knew his birthday or his favourite type of cake and chocolates as he'd never told her, and also not gotten within twenty hooves of her since she'd rather loudly accosted him when he first moved to Ponyville, but she did far stranger things so it was incredibly tame in comparison and he certainly didn't mind getting free confectionery on his birthday. That strangeness aside, he flicked the personal code in on the overlay and the main screen popped up to reveal his messages.
Message sent from LovelyDreamwalker at 09:24am:
Art thou awake yet? Prithee We wouldst ask thou respond.
Well that was certainly queer. Who was this and how did they have his number? And really now, who even ever bothered to type in such a manner? With a slightly amused frown from under his drying dishevelled mop his magic flicked up to see the next message below, with a gentle snort sounding in the room as the archaic style of wording and complete sentence structure continued. Then again at least there were actual sentences, it was much more pleasant to the eyes and understandable than when some moron typed in barely legible text-typing.
Message sent from LovelyDreamwalker at 09:13am:
Prithee send Us a missive whence thou awaken.
The next.
Message sent from LovelyDreamwalker at 08:56am:
We didst surely not mean to offend, if indeed We have. A missive to inform Us that Our shameful portrait We didst send to thee hath not caused upset wouldst not go unappreciated.
Portrait? What?
Leon quickly scrolled through the rest of the messages all equally verbose and nonsensical in their old-fashioned writing style before sharply stopping the screen from moving any further up, and found himself completely stunned as he looked upon who was quite possibly the most gorgeous mare he'd ever beheld in existence. There was far more of that archaic text overlaid on the screen but that was wholly secondary to the photo of the ravishingly lovely unicorn he saw looking back at him with a certain degree of embarrassment and definite poised trepidation. She was an absolute supermodel of unparalleled beauty next to none other than the Princesses themselves.
The unicorn was almost otherworldly with her prettied up appearance and possessed eyes that seemed to stare into his soul, icy blue and chilling in how they captured his attention, yet with a fair amount of warmth to them like embers in a smouldering fire as they questioningly probed him for answers. Her coat was a nicely comforting shade of midnight blue that more fanciful stallions might have called nightshade navy or perhaps dusky sapphire, or whatever colour they'd decided was equally pretty at the given moment in time. Regardless of the colour it was clearly smooth, finely brushed, and attentively cared for. She was rather tall for a unicorn as well, having a very long horn cresting from her forehead as it glowed the same haunting wintery colour as her eyes. Her head and snout were quite striking and pointed and her muzzle was equally dainty in shape, only adding to her already heightened marely allure that he couldn't shake the feeling leant to the idea of regality.
But perhaps the strangest thing about her was the incredibly well done and highly styled mane, of which really hammered home his working theory of her being a supermodel because not many mares went for that sort of thing with their precious maresculinity to worry about. Even if beauty was above such a notion and adored in any manner on both sexes it still wasn't as common for mares to do all the fun and crazy things stallions were predisposed to in regards to fashion, and nopony he knew of around Ponyville other than the eccentric fashionista at the dress shop would ever go so far as to dye and style their manes to such a heavy degree, especially in order to look like the stars themselves.
She had a very good quality gem-phone though that was likely powered by a ruby or diamond ─his was a topaz, a pretty middling and standard battery though quite affordable without bordering on offensive for the price─ as the camera of her phone even though slightly blurry in this specifically fast-taken shot, captured the individual stylings of star clusters within the long wavy caerulean mane that trailed over one of her shoulders. Leon couldn't make out much of her body from the shot as much as he would certainly like to but he could tell she was lying upon a decently large bed, and knew enough about looking at mares in underwear magazines to tell that she was definitely curvy in all the right places as her visage led out of the scree-Wait.
Wings?
Hold the bloody phone for a second, which he most certainly was.
Wings.
Flappy and fluttery and perhaps even swishy pegasi mostly-what-birds-use-to-achieve-flight wings, right there, unmistakably just past her forelegs on her supple sides as they moved out of the camera's focus. It was just the wings' high arches really, yet they certainly belonged to a no-doubt fully massive wingspan with their long feathers and primaries, secondaries, and such other pegasi terminologies he didn't quite fathom not being one himself and thus appraised of the general words they used for their flighty appendages, however those were quite clearly a pair of wings. He'd heard that there were other Alicorns in existence other than the Two Sisters, one such other being the attractive Princess of Love in the Crystal Empire whose unfortunate title more than likely led to an insurmountable number of lewd jokes at her expense, though other than that he was uninformed of anypony else that fell into that niche bracket.
Leon then chuckled to himself as he realised he was being an absolute bloody idiot. 'Supermodel', he chided in his head. The mare was certainly using very well-made false wings to achieve the Alicorn look, and he'd thought that the mane was a tad too regal as it was the sort of luscious manestyle that the Two Sisters had going on of course, with the odd waviness he'd seen in recordings wherein their uniquely ethereal manes floated upon the air as if a perpetual soft breeze swirled around them with every passing second. He was marginally curious as to how she achieved the look, glancing back to the mare's icy-coloured eyes with his interest well and truly piqued as he then started to read over the text that accompanied the image, so maybe he'd at least find out the why of the messages.
Verily We art most shook to Our Stars above; We hath quite mistakenly sent thee a portrait of Our genitalia and teats! Prithee We ask thou purge it posthaste! ...'Lest thou desire to gaze? Haha, We jest, purge it! But should thee crave... Haha, nay, banish it! ...'Lest? Nay, nay, prithee remove it! We jest for comedic effect to lessen Our shock but truly We art rather mortified!
He stared blankly at the bizarre text so inlaid with high damage control and falsely cheerful wording and wondered to himself a little further. 'Moon', he thought once more that morning as his rigid mast hanging below him beckoned its still obvious presence and he blinked rather hard, and again for good measure. A dawning awareness occurred and blossomed into a full realisation as he sharply flicked up to the first message sent from her and saw an extremely blurred dark-blue something in a picture glide up from the bottom of his screen, his breath hitching as the text had clearly stated just what lie beneath the hazy veil.
Well, there was an obvious course of action here.
Leon's magic tapped on the blurry photo, and all was revealed. What lay before his vision was beyond any shadow of a doubt one of the greatest and most glorious sights ever seen so far by pony eyes in Equestrian history.
The supermodel that wished to be an Alicorn had well succeeded in capturing the contour of her back and loin as they led into her shapely croup, widely flirting around the edges of the photograph into her wonderfully rounded and malleable bottom that he could only perceive as being rivalled by one of the Two Sisters' own positively massive posteriors ─of which he'd very attentively looked up endless pictures of them on his phone and in numerous magazines─ and her divine bottom heavily flanked both sides of a rather pronounced and cushiony looking ponut and dock above a truly wonderous vulva as it was in the process of incredibly aroused winking, its engorged clitoris largely similar to a love-heart in shape as it jutted proudly from inviting pink inner-folds. Such lewdness was only exacerbated by the sheer puffiness of everything, to say nothing of the enlarged teats that were also just visible in the view with their wide areola and swollen nipples managing to peek into the edge of the framing.
The entire provocative affair of her backside led into strong haunches and powerfully supple thighs that travelled off-screen, as the nicely detailed and styled tail meant to be made of stars and space was flagged up and positioned out of the way while it curved deliberately over the cutie-mark on her haunch so that it couldn't be seen from where she lay at an angle. While not much else could really be seen from having nearly the entirety of the photograph taken up by an altogether perfect mare's lovely genitals and bountiful bottom, it was just possible to see the light smirk upon a dainty muzzle in the upper left corner of the picture where a head was partially in view.
His stallionhood was far more to attention than it had been seconds earlier.
Leon then had a second interesting realisation after a few more seconds of longful ogling at the perfect marely privates as he backed out of the photo and saw a note.
Accessed at 7:15am.
No sodding wonder he'd woken up early with a huge erection and was stuck with thoughts about genitals and moons! He'd been mooned by a drop-dead gorgeous supermodel! He must have viewed the picture when he was half-asleep and gone back to sleep, before his body promptly colluded to kick him into full gear to take care of the resulting problem his arousal had created!
That might actually explain the endless messages? He'd accessed them already so the supermodel would have seen a little notification that he had done so, and as he'd gone back to sleep then perhaps she'd become rather agitated. Leon couldn't really guess as to why as mares sent snapshots of their vulvas and such other sexual parts to stallions almost as much as he drank tea or wished that it wasn't always so sunny and warm, so unwanted or not it wasn't exactly a big deal to be making such undue fussing over, though then again he supposed that maybe a supermodel had a certain standard they were contracted to adhere to or face being fired.
He couldn't be sure that that was very likely though as most supermodels wore very sheer or tight clothing that pressed in or made things bulge outward, to the point where a few of his clothing fashion magazines he'd bought specifically for his carnal pursuits were prime spank material with how some mares wore such excellently compressive underwear and it was entirely possible to see the little contours of their neat vulvas, the indents of their ponuts, or indeed the puffiness of nipples and areola of their teats, all obvious and visible as the particular areas pushed against taut silky garments.
Leon succeeded in being given his third growing realisation and subsequent epiphany that morning as he accessed the gloriously salacious image to use it as his solution to the large problem hanging between his legs, and as his lecherous eyes scanned over that mouth-wateringly projected clitoris and that amazingly tumescent ponut to pass down over the sizable fat teats and back up, his eyes then came to rest on the supermodel's haunch where her tail covered her cutie-mark.
'Moon', he thought with a frown as he looked at her extremely coutured tail, seeing a stylised crescent moon within the starry-designed mass. But something wasn't quite right there as it seemed to him that if a supermodel like this was going for extreme accuracy in their look with a manestyle trying to match one of the Two Sisters, and trying more to exactly match Princess Luna's star-filled mane; surely she would be trying to have every little star and galaxy be as accurate as possible, which was already hard going because from what little he saw of Princess Luna's mane the ethereal haze constantly changed what various nebulas and galaxies swirled within it, yet if the supermodel had gone this far why would she stop there?
It pulled up other aspects he'd idly been pondering in the back of his head. Just rather small ones such as the odd manner of speaking, coat and eye colour, a long horn, impressive wingspan, perfect body, massive bottom, divine genitals... it was all adding up to something he felt he should clearly be seeing as the puzzle pieces languidly slotted into place.
And that was about the second when the epiphany truly struck and the final piece clicked into position, and the puzzle then finally completed itself.
"Moon!" Leon whispered aloud in alarm, glaringly transfixed upon the symbol on the mare's haunch. He recognised the wholly unique cutie-mark as he'd studied it quite enough from various sources, so though it was slightly buried under a tail the photo was crystal clear and it was unmistakably a cutie-mark of a fucking crescent moon! The very same marking that Princess Luna, her own gorgeously divine self, bore upon her haunches, he noticed the dark splotch underneath the blue haze surrounding the little stylised shape!
But... no. No fucking way.
No! Not happening! He didn't accept it, so damn well behave!
There was no, none, zero, zilch, zip, no fucking way Princess I-have-one-of-the-loveliest-and-greatest-rear-ends-in-existence-and-also-some-absolutely-gobsmacking-teats Luna, Her Royal Highness and Co-Diarch of Equestria had sent him of all possible ponies within Equus an absolutely stunning and spectacular view of her wonderous and perfect plot.
Yet he couldn't deny what his eyes were very clearly telling him, that would just be silly to ignore factual evidence. Leon downed the rest of his tea in a single motion like a lukewarm shot and let his mind start to run the possible scenarios at play here. It was clear this was either faked with some kind of special magic, or if he even started to fractionally consider the slightest smidgen of a possibility that he did have an utterly priceless snapshot of one of the greatest mares to ever live from such a breathtaking angle; it was completely sent purely by a monumental blunder on her part in a moment of clumsiness.
The idea made him baulk as much as it did endear him greatly more to the Princess in possible relatability that she could even manage to do something so amazingly silly and common that everyday ponies often did. Obviously she was flesh and blood like everypony else but she was just so... so much more, and on such a wholly greater plateau to normal creatures that it was like saying that snow had fallen against the ground at the wrong angle; it just didn't work or make sense because snow was a force of nature that was beautiful in its creation and didn't do things like post lewd selfies to random literally-who ponies, and he completely lost where he was going with this particular analogy because his brain was still doing somersaults while his eyes so very intently focused on that blatantly extruded thick nub of sensitive flesh poking from what was quite possibly Princess Luna's actual vulva.
His first immediate thought as eventually adrenaline and excitement and all other myriad of chemical reactions barrelling their way through his body generally calmed down ─except for his throbbing stallionhood, that had a mind of its own─ was that it would only be right and proper to delete the obscene image from his gem-phone immediately as regardless of the unique nature of the situation; if he entertained the idea that this was legitimate then the presence of the photo on his phone itself did in fact make the Princess rather uncomfortable enough to bombard his inbox with about a dozen or so messages of blind worry.
Naturally the second thought to come to mind was that the first thought should ever-so-kindly go and fornicate itself with a very prickly and obtuse cactus for ever deigning to show itself within the general vicinity of his head, and he knew he still wasn't thinking all that correctly because obtuse was not a term that could be applied to a cactus and was impossible as it was an amalgamation of plant matter and did not possess the proper attributes to be mentally impaired. Dumbass.
Leon, on the other hoof, was being obtuse.
It was pretty straightforward. Perfect Princess Luna herself or an amazingly convincing supermodel, the only truly decent action at this juncture moving forwards was deleting the snapshot and moving on with his simple slow-going life. He already had what was possibly a mountain of other sexual imagery to utilise and if he ever really actually cared about venturing outside and talking properly with other ponies and mares especially, it wouldn't exactly take a genius in spellcrafting theory to walk up to a female with their minds always so-frequently geared towards bewildering things like stallions with overly large testicles wearing lacy ball-bras and hints of eyeliner to pretty themselves up, and rather plainly propositioning them.
It wasn't as if he was such an unlikeable stallion that even the most average of mares ─of which average was a relative term as one was extremely hard-pressed to find an ugly mare at all even in a backwater like Ponyville─ felt that he couldn't even be flirted with without the opposite party possibly feeling the venture wasn't worth the effort, even though he had something attached to him that all mares deeply desired as much as they needed food and water to live.
Leon didn't believe he was particularly unattractive for a young stallion, he quite liked what he had going on well enough and there were certainly mares in the past that he'd caught the eye of and had also caught his eye. He hadn't really cared to flirt with them but neither had he exactly spurned their advances when they'd made them, he simply supposed that perhaps that wasn't enough and they'd moved onto greener pastures with stallions that were far more receptive to their wily moves.
It certainly wasn't the case that he had quite often been called an antisocial janefilly and was considered undesirable for his 'whimsy', and had been somewhat ostracised from his immediate surroundings by the local groups of stallions that enjoyed prettying themselves up with all manner of stylings, make-up, and foofaraw for mares intent eyes, or that they fashioned a drama surrounding him in order to keep him out of the loop.
Well... such things all might have had some measure of truth to them. Whatever, he thought with a sigh, glancing at the photo on his phone again. Delete the amazing sight, it was what would be decent.
He was apparently not a decent pony. Clearly.
But... Princess Luna dearly wanted him to get rid of it.
There was only a brief grumble as the image he so wished he would allow himself to save for nefarious purposes was moved into the bin, and then immediately removed from existence as his phone was set to do that. Leon never deleted much if anything as he rarely took photos, so it was a simple paranoid response to if he somehow ever lost the phone and somepony magically inclined enough ever cracked through the phone's barrier. Not that there was much to gain, though it was the principle of the thing.
Much as it was with not keeping the photo on hoof; if it truly was the Princess that had asked him to remove it, and not unkindly, he wouldn't feel at all right or comfortable with himself to ignore such wishes from such an actual truly noble and excellent mare. It would constantly bother him and the guilty thoughts would linger the longer he kept it in his gallery, and especially so if he'd used it for wank material after she'd been extremely upset by having sent it. He was sure he'd certainly feel different were the proprietress of the photo an insufferable pony that made others lives a living nightmare, but again if it was indeed Princess Luna herself, he knew that she was one of the good ones in life.
Leon didn't want to even risk the idea that Her Highness would have any dislike or disappointment in him by his own direct choice to cause her grief. This was a very strange situation to be in. He'd felt that it must have been a Thursday as he glanced at the corner of his phone telling him that exact thing after longingly peering at the previous picture of the beautiful mare with her flowing mane. He never could really get the hang of Thursdays.
With a final resigned sigh he breathed in and worked up the mettle to quickly throw a message to the unknown-supermodel-or-possibly-a-Princess with a few sharp taps, keeping it nicely brief and simple.
Don't fret, I deleted it. Have a pleasant night, your Highness.
He added the royal moniker just in case it really was Princess Luna. He still didn't quite believe his eyes yet it definitely didn't hurt to play it safe. If he was wrong then at least it might considerably cheer up a supermodel that wanted to play at being an Alicorn. With that done he shook his head and turned about to go and grab his amazingly fluffy towel, as his moppish mess of a mane was still rather damp.
After that though he was going to grab another cup of tea. He brought his phone along with him and decided to properly look through the other messages the mare had sent, finding they were all still quite odd and just as confusing.
Message sent from LovelyDreamwalker at 07:32am
We showed thee our marehood, answer Us!
He scoffed at the forwardness of it, finding an immediate followup.
Message sent from LovelyDreamwalker at 07:34am
Apologies, We didst not mean to appear forceful, We simply wish to knowest thou art not taken aback by such a scandalous act as it is most unbecoming. We hadst not meant to send the portrait in the first place as We hath said, We would appreciate a timely response!
Leon managed to get as far as halfway across his landing before there came a rather heavy rap at the door. Just one. Singular. That struck him as off because that was something that only older ponies ever seemed to do. It was quite the old custom with a history to it, his late parents had taught him as much. Back in the day it was considered highly rude to repeatedly knock upon a door because it disturbed the peace of the surrounding area and would invoke the local constable's wrath as sound carried through the older style of buildings quite readily. Ponies had rather good hearing so only one knock was ever needed to get their attention, and knocking multiple times had the effect of irking in excess for each additional knock. This had naturally changed over the years with general impatience and loudness of modern society that rather necessitated several knocks at times to actually get people to the door.
So a single knock was quite curious.
A thought came that maybe the nice delivery mare had perhaps come back though he quickly dismissed that as he doubted the mare would have the idea to only knock a single time, or so heavily. Well unless she used her arse, he'd overheard talk from some stallions once upon a time that spoke of its thunderous power.
That amusing thought in mind he cleared the bottom of the stairs and stood before his own door with a slight smirk. Leon mentally prepared himself for yet even more interaction with strangers ─of which once was rather a lot for him in a single day not because it overwhelmed him but because he just didn't really want the tedium─ and tugged his robe tighter to hide his still unwavering mast beneath him, then opening the door.
He found himself staring at a wall of midnight blue.
Then he craned his neck up.
Upon doing that Leon suffered the kind of miniature heart attack that his body had somehow managed to avoid for the past however many years it had been since he'd first consumed roughly twenty cups of tea with the space of a few hours, and promptly stumbled back as his system went through about a dozen different stages of shock and panic before settling on a semi-acceptable level of mildly alarmed.
Nothing quite said for there being a more considerable cause for startling rather like one of the Diarch's of the country standing just outside the front door.
Really jolts the senses into action.
Although currently Leon's senses were running far more rampant than simply being in action, and he was feeling both cold and hot in a deep flush while a shiver crawled up his spine that was typically associated with the instinct of flight from a situation that couldn't be handled and which flared up like an erection about to blow.
If the predicament he found himself in wasn't so daunting he'd laugh at the sexual thought. It was with a continuation on that particular theme of highly amusing that before he fainted a few seconds later, the thought that had struck into his mind as Princess Luna spoke in her lovely voice that hadn't registered at all from his state of shock, was the word moon.
Author's Note
As I say, this chapter and the story narration was quite inspired (see: blatantly parodied/plagiarised) by the Douglas Adam's style of things, chiefly Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I find it rather enjoyable to imagine Stephen Fry reading it as well, hence why a lot of the intro is ponified.
This slight RGR universe is just a thought, and can pan out into more to give a fuller idea of the state of things if things go well, but primarily I simply wanted an excuse to write more archaic Elizabethan styled Luna-speak because like her tiny bottom (not in this story at least), it excites me so.
