Uuuuungh. I don’t even know where to start. Therapist said writing a journal was good for my health? I think it’s stupid, but ungh… Let’s give this a try. Dumb girl; she said that my wording tends to be messy and that writing could help me structure better my train of thought. I guess she might be onto something? Then again, I did kind of confuse the ever living hell out of her after I explained my problems. It’s been like this for weeks now.
… Sooooo… Yeah. Where should I start? I mean, yes, it’s easy to say “from the beginning”, but where exactly is the beginning? I’m almost willing to give up now, but then I wouldn’t be Rainbow Dash, wouldn’t I?
Hmmm… This is a tricky question. When did this all start?
Look, I’m only doing this for the sake of advancing my therapy and fixing my damn panic attacks or whatever. Therapist says it’s anxiety? It sucks. I mean, I don’t want to sound like Rarity and making a full melodrama of things, but this? I felt like a punch to the gut when she told me. On the one hand, it’s good; suddenly many things start to make sense. On the other, though, it kinda felt like I was diagnosed with something terrible. Yes, yes. I know. Cancer and AIDS and all of those are terrible illnesses, don’t get me wrong. But they’re also chronical, you get me? So suddenly finding out that I have these anxiety attacks and stuff because of it made me feel like this is something that I’ll have to live with the rest of my life… Maybe it is. Go figure.
Anyway, I’m getting out of track… [Imagine that, Rainbow Dash getting distracted]
Well, I guess I can’t really start without explaining how I met my friends, can I? I’ll try to be quick, since this isn’t what is bringing me to write all of this (otherwise, I’ll end up writing a full Bible, and I don’t think I can handle that much written stuff).
First is Fluttershy. She’s been my best friend since we were little. We know each other from elementary school and she has known me and stuck even at the toughest of times. Her kindness is what helps me keep myself grounded, otherwise I would have done much more reckless shit.
Then we have Rarity. She got here from Manhattan, as her accent shows. She actually started hanging out with Fluttershy first because they both share love for threads and fabrics and whatnot. I really don’t know much about this topic, to be honest. But they both really complement each other’s friendship, whereas sometimes it would look as if I stuck out… I think I did, though. Whatever the case, Rarity still helped me get through lots of stuff, though not as personal as Fluttershy. She can be so annoying, especially when talking about boys she likes. Dating is her thing, something which most of my group doesn’t really do much; she’s good at giving advice, but also pushy in trying to hook us up with guys she thinks are a good match… Yeah, we’ll get to that later.
Then there’s Pinkie: she’s a crazy party girl. Whereas Fluttershy and Rarity are close thanks to their interest in fashion, Pinkie and I love pulling pranks and partying. She’s really random! Haha, one time, she brought this huge-ass party confetti cannon the size of three big Pringles cans out of nowhere. I think she pulled it out of her hair? Pinkie works at a place called Sugarcube Corner and she offers us a discount on ice cream, shakes and cupcakes, so usually on weekends or birthdays we go and have a bite or two at her place. Above the bakery there’s two apartments, one for Pinkie and her pet lizard Gummy and another for Mr. and Mrs. Cake and their twins; Mr. and Mrs. Cake are the owners of Sugarcube Corner and also Pinkie’s landlords. See, Pinkie got a scholarship to study here at Canterlot U because she actually lives in a far-off farm, so it was really nice for the Cakes to allow her to live and work with them. How she manages to keep up with studies and her job is a mystery.
Then we have Twilight. She actually came from Canterlot over to our small town.. Yeah, I never got why we have Canterlot U here and not in Canterlot? It would make better sense if it were there wouldn’t it? But yeah, Twilight is a really geeky girl. Always obsessed with science and philosophy and history. She’s a jack-of-all-trades of knowledge, a walking library. It’s kinda funny seeing here interact with other people since Twilight is also a total dork. What she excels in knowledge and school stuff she lacks in social skills; we usually see her moping around the corner in parties, so we secretly have made it a thing to try and have a wing-girl (get it? Instead of a wingman? Hey, don’t blame me! I dig the whole feminist vibe even if I’m not too sure of many things feminist say) to prevent her from having a meltdown.
Then there’s Sunset, our newest member of the group. She and Twilight get along really good. Problem with Twilight is her meltdowns; usually she’s the voice of reason until such a thing happens, so it tends to fall on Sunset to fix things and keep Twilight at bay. Since she’s the newest, I haven’t had that much time to interact with her and she’s still adjusting to getting to know us. By the time she got here, even Twilight had grown into a member of our ‘clique’, as Rarity likes to call us (uuungh…), so a lot of the time it falls on Fluttershy and Rarity to explain certain things to Sunset.
Finally… Applejack. Gosh, where do I even begin with this girl? She’s the exact opposite of Rarity and Fluttershy. Probably my closest friend aside from Fluttershy. Fluttershy has the advantage of knowing me since we were little and so I can actually confide in her… And I guess this stupid journal too (I refuse to call this a diary, ok?). But Applejack? In a matter of months we grew close, like really really close. We don’t talk about boys and the like (I would actually leave that with Fluttershy), but other than that? We hang out pretty often. I’ve been to her house, she’s been to mine, I know her brother, sister and granny (she bakes the best apple pies I’ve ever tasted), she knows my mom and dad and my sister Scoots (who’s also besties with AJ’s sister)… AJ lives in a farm, but not that far away like Pinkie’s. Actually, one time they went through family records and found they might be related? Go figure, I guess, ‘cause the whole thing is up in the air. AJ’s on the track team, while I’m on the soccer team. Her work on the farm really shows, though. See, I’m an athletic girl through and through; ever since I was little I’ve liked getting my hands dirty. But AJ didn’t need to do any of that because she had to get her hands dirty. She’s got really strong legs and can haul heavy stuff without losing her breath. I can keep up with her, she can keep up with me, and yes, we both can get carried away in our competitions, but even at times, AJ is the one keeping me from doing reckless stuff. She’s honest and very patient—to the point I always ask myself where the heck she finds the strength to put up with my antics (sometimes I can’t even stand myself). If it weren’t for her and Fluttershy, I’m pretty sure I would have become a loner.
But yeah, what brings me here? Frankly, I don’t know. Well, I do know. What I don’t know is why things happened the way they did. It almost seems like I did something wrong.
See, for the past few weeks I’ve felt… Sad? Lonely? I dunno.
Pinkie had been busy for days; the Cakes had to leave both because they had a vacation and then they took their twins to the hospital, so the time she had to hang out with either of us was greatly reduced; Fluttershy had to take care of animals at the shelter she volunteers at, which meant making sure they had their proper meals and looking out for adoption prospects; Rarity was busy making yet another dress, and Twilight and Sunset were making a project together. Sounds great, though, doesn’t it? AJ and me, kicking ass and hanging out to pass time like old times sakes. Well, not exactly. This is how it went down the other day. We were at the campus gardens when I asked AJ what would happen.
“So, AJ”, I said. “Looks like it’s going to be just the two of us then, eh?”.
“Uh-huh”, she answered without beating an eye, looking at god knows what.
“It’s great, though, isn’t it? We can go to the movies or hang at my place and watch movies or—”
“What is it with ya and movies?”, she said, kinda annoyed?
“Huh? What’s wrong?”, I said.
“Dunno. Maybe you could have some variety”, she said, by this point I could tell she was clearly mad.
“Variety for what? Hello! If you haven’t paid attention, most of our friends are busy and it’s not like we can waltz in on Sugarcube Corner and make life for Pinkie harder than it already is, an animal shelter is not the kind of place I would like to pass time and unless you want to either stand still for hours on end for Rarity’s damned dresses or bore yourself to death with Twilight and Sunset, there’s no way in hell either you or I can pass time in either of these places. Music festivals are either too expensive right now or set for a few months, so it’s either just us hanging out or sitting by and moping in our rooms alone”, I answered.
“Ah mean, sure, but dontcha have practice?”, she pointed out with her southern accent.
“Don’t try and divert this, AJ! Don’t change the subject to avoid this!”, I shot back.
“Ah’m not!”
“Then what does me having soccer practice have to do with our friends being busy?”
“Well, Ah think ya can use that time ta do stuff and think fer a sec.”
[She did have a point, though; practice could help me get busy, but I didn’t need practice, I needed my friends]
“Yes, Applejack, but this isn’t about sports, it’s about us. About our friends! And—”
“Look, Rainbow, Ah’d love ta chat, but Ah don’t have time fer—”
“For what?”, I interrupted. “Apple picking season isn’t for a few months, so you can’t back down on claiming you need to do stuff at the barn.” Gotcha!
“No, but apples are not the only thing in my life, ya know?”, she retorted.
“Oh, yeah? What’s with you all of a sudden? Why are you giving me this attitude? You sound like I just said something offensive when all this time all I’ve wanted was just some time to hang out with you!”
“And Ah appreciate it, but—”
“But it totally sounds like you don’t”, I said. “For at least the last few hours you haven’t said barely a thing until I asked to hang out with you. It’s not like just now you got mad because of me”, I pointed out.
“Ah gotta get going, Dash”, she finished.
“Did I do something wrong, AJ?”, I asked.
“No, Dash”, and with that, she was gone. If I didn’t do something wrong, it totally seemed like she took it out on me like I was a nuisance.
These past few days I’ve felt my energy withdraw. I can barely keep up at practice, I can’t wake up as early as I’d like, I force myself to eat just to have energy to get through the day and sports. I see AJ on the track every now and then and the rest of the girls (including AJ) in the few classes we have together. I’ve been drilling my head in thinking what the hell could I have done to have AJ act like that, but nothing I manage to put as an explanation makes sense. Today it was Monday and I finally relented on writing down on this damn thing every minuscule detail that happens… Supposedly. Let’s see where this goes, but so far, I just feel left out. Blue. And we still have a full week ahead. Yipee…
